We're Here to Help - 43: Machete Through the Jungle with Andy Samberg and Steve Berg

Episode Date: January 11, 2024

Jake, Gareth and special guest Andy Samberg talk to a caller about some bathroom etiquette at work. Later, guest Steve Berg joins the guys to help someone in the bedroom. Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] the video episodes of the podcast at Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodCheck out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com!If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPodAdvertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We're back! All right! Yes! The Garf Man's in upstate New York. Another intro, Jake, against all odds. And you. You're blowing past that? The upstate New York?

Yeah. I'm blowing past it. Oh, you're private. Yeah, I'm a private man. You're going to be gone by the time this comes out. It doesn't matter. You're not going to be gone. I don't want.

Listen. You know how they think. You're right. I get trailed like a bloodhound. You're more famous. I'm more trackable. Nobody wants to track me. Tracking you would be the easiest thing ever.

And grossest. Congratulations. You went to the same two restaurants I always go to. Yeah, you bottle in and out of them. I bottle in and out of them. Pistachio shells. Yeah, exactly. It's like tracking me is like tracking a Chicago detective in the 80s.

Congratulations. You can see the pistachio shells. You see the restaurant I go to. Coffee stains. And cigarette butts. Who cares? Congrats. I do not put a tight end.

By the way, you need to get back into smoking. We have a great episode today. Great episode. Two great guests. Our first guest, actually, Andy Samberg, which is a huge get. And I believe he's involved in a project you know about. Jake, what would that be? Yeah, so Andy came on board to be in the movie Self Reliance.

We had a great Zoom during the pandemic, which was a highlight of that boring year. He was so funny in the movie. He helped so much. He and Akiva and Yorma and Allie Bell, who they all produced the movie, they just really kicked ass and they're just kind of the best. And I really realized working with them how jealous I am of the Lonely Island guys. I've talked to Gareth about this, but how they just all have each other and they're so creative and smart and they just pitch like crazy. And then when Gareth and I talk projects, it always goes back to the Packers and Bears and we just get mean to each other. Well, the Packers are better.

But the movie comes out January 12th. Yes. On Hulu. He comes out. Yes. And Andy's episode on this show is really funny and disgusting. This is kind of a disgusting episode. Well, that's what I was going to say is we've got his,

his one is a little below the belt. And then our second one is a little below the belt too. So we're just preparing people. Steve Berg is our second guest who is our long time friend for a while. The bridge in our friendship when we started playing frizz ball and exactly. That's a whole podcast in its own right. I guess when you throw Steve and Eric in, that's our lonely Island.

God damn. Yeah. Yeah. And it's the loneliest Island. They don't help us. But Berg helps us on this one. And it's just two great problems. Yeah.

And his is also disgusting. Now, if you want, if you like Steve, which we know you will, everybody always loves Steve and go, who is that king? He's the funniest.

You can find his podcast, High, Strangeness. And it's a podcast about strange occurrences hosted by the strangers of the strange, Stevie Burke. Yep, a big, big strange man. Wore all denim to the recording. I'm sure you could go watch the video if you like. Which reminds us, there is video now of the show. So if you want to see like a lot of people when I was doing gigs this holiday season, we're saying they want video. We have video now. So you can go to our YouTube,

which again, why don't you promote the YouTube, Jake? We're here to help on YouTube. Yep. And that's what we we're good at this. So but anyway, we had episode episode without further i'm doing a little bit oh wait the bears packers have already happened so one of us congrats on the win jake without further ado hello whoa hey hey how are you this uh, can I get your name please? Bilbo. Oh, Bilbo. Isn't Baggins? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're all big fans of you. From Bag End. Yeah. Okay. Uh, and Bilbo, where are you, uh, calling from? I'm calling from, uh, Los Angeles. Heyo. Hey. Now, you're on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and Bilbo, we got a special one. We've got a man who I guess would be the reason why my movie got greenlit, Andy.

That's generous. By you agreeing to be in it. Then all of a sudden, we got old Anna Kendrick, too. So, Mr. Andy Samberg's on the call. Oh, boy. That's right, Bilbo. High Mr. Andy Samberg's on the call. Oh boy. That's right, Bilbo. High stakes. Oh boy.

All right, so Bilbo. Bilbo, are you quite ready to go on another adventure? Take us with you, Bilbo. I'm ready to tell you a tale. Okay. Young lady, the floor is yours. So me and my husband, we'll call him Frodo. It's a little bit problematic.

You guys ended up together. We're going with it. Yeah, we're going with it. That's some fanfic stuff, for sure. Yeah, well, I'll try to focus through the eroticism. Okay. So me and my husband and a couple close buds built a recording studio. And we get one of my personal musical

heroes coming in for a crazy session that he's going to book with my husband as his engineer. We'll call him Sneagle. On the last day of the session, I'm working next door in our other studio

and I'm like, yo, Proto, how's it going? I'm like, yo, Proto, how's it going? And he's like, today I found not one, but two chips in the toilet. Two what? Two unflushed human poop in the toilet. And I was like, yikesikes that's a weird situation too um and he's like and that's not it there was no toilet paper the lid was down the light was on and the door was closed each time and i was like that's psychotic a couple weeks past he comes back to finish some more stuff on this session before i

can even like ask my husband like how his day was he's like before we even ask like yeah same thing huge dump so wait hold on hold on hold on bill what bill what i gotta understand what the hell's happening on this call there's a musician who comes to your studio. He takes a dump in your bathroom. He doesn't use toilet paper. He closes the door and he leaves the lid up. Yes, he's not down. He's not wiping.

No flush, no wipe, lid down, light on, door closed. It's a very specific move. Very specific. This artist is treating the bathroom as if the room itself is a plastic bag and the door shutting is burying it under the door.

It's so crazy. It's so crazy. I have no shame around spreading this news because I think it's so funny and also mad disrespectful. How is this mad disrespectful? Just because he doesn't flush? Yeah. Yeah.

Or wipe. Well, he's an artist. He's an artist. Jake, you're pulling the curtain back a little too much for everybody on this one, to be honest. Who would flush their art? Who would flush their art? Is that what you just said? Yes.

Jake, that's not what he's producing. their art who would flush their art is that what you just said yes you're not talking about some mid-level fucking yuck you said he's a top guy it's the toilet paper that is hurting me the most gareth do you think this person is so healthy that it's clean break every time it could be but i mean that is thinking wish you are really that That's a real Russian roulette move on your health. Yes, you are depending on your system greatly. So what is your question? Is it, what do you do now? Because this is just a setup.

So my question is, how do I, someone who knows the person, but isn't on his session, how do I... Bring it up? Yeah. Okay. So I think I'm going to start off. So the question on this one is just to paraphrase really quickly, you own a studio. There's a musician who comes in your fans of him. You respect them. He takes dumps in your studio with no toilet paper and he does not flush and it's happened a lot and it's a reoccurring thing and it's going to continue to happen.

And you're feeling disrespected to the point of should you bring it up and if so how is that correct yes sir so i'm going to say 100 you bring it up wow that's so interesting jake yeah that is not where i would go yeah i was gonna say 100 don't i. I'm on team Andy. There's only one way it can go if you bring it up, in my opinion. How? Super awkward. Yes. And then never work together again. Or you bring it up in a conversational way.

Give me an example of how that would go. Yeah, walk us through that. Andy, you pretend you're the guy. Oh, I would love to. Thank you. And I'll pretend to be Bilba. Okay. Well, right now, oh, great take for me.

Here I go. Got to go to the bathroom. Do-de-do-de-do-de-do. Oh, my God. It's like, oh, no toilet paper. Going to put the lid down. Leave the lights on and go ahead and close the door that's my normal thing that i do hitting back to the studio i'm ready for another take

well i'm not bringing it up now because you're on fire so take two and you're rolling that's what happens the genius overwhelms the way that's the way if it's that's the genius and he needs it to stay hot well i'm an engineer man i'll flush a fucking toilet to get that gold but what i would do now let's pretend andy let's do it again and the day's over bill but do you ever go do you ever see him socially yeah you do okay that's what i was thinking so now i know but this but this but the socialization no bill but it's better because you can't do it in the studio when he's fucking dropping heat right and he just showed you that maybe it'll throw off the sesh maybe it's part of it but now andy we're at a dinner getting drinks after and we're all hanging okay we had a great session

all right so andy if you want to start as our guy let's call you a bill but give us a name for the dinner, getting drinks after, and we're all hanging. Okay? We had a great session. All right? So, Andy, if you want to start as our guy, let's call you. Hey, Bilbo, give us a name for the musician. Just use his real name, please. Schmeagle. No. What's his real name, please?

Jake, nice try, Jake. You're good. Some say the best. Gareth, I need you on my team here, baby. Yeah, can we? Okay, just for... Okay, we're taking a pause and recording the name. So, okay, Schmeagle, we're taking a pause recording the name so okay uh shmigal we're at the bar we just sat down we just had some food

eating food you were on fire today oh my god thank you brother you dropped some really great i mean i think this album's the best you've ever done are you serious man i hope so i'm also what do you put my heart and soul into it you know you're a musician artist but what's your favorite song from this album for sure stink roses and petals that's a great one it is i love the lyrics that i wrote the lyric what are the lyrics again and how does the melody go? It goes, Again, what a hit. Yeah, and then there's that big bass drop. Yeah, I bet.

So you know what I was thinking in terms of, I just have a question for you, because I've noticed you're a pretty clean eater. Oh. And I'm trying to get healthier myself. Do you feel when you go to the bathroom that, and if this is too personal, we don't have to do this talk, but do you mind, Smeagol?

I'm not sure what the question is, though. I can't answer it. Do you feel like when you go to the bathroom, sometimes it's so clean you don't have to wipe? I don't. I'm not sure I follow. When you go to the bathroom because your diet is so good, Smeagol, do you feel, because with me, I have to wipe so much.

It's disgusting. And it's wasteful. It's wasteful. Always divulging personal information to me, trying to loosen me up. Well, I was hoping you weren't going to be so aware of that. I just didn't realize this was a profile for Fucking Us Weekly. aware of that but i just didn't realize this was a profile for fucking us weekly what i'm trying to say here smiegel is do you take dumps in our toilet and not use toilet paper oh so it finally comes to a head well yes i do and you know what if you tell anyone i'll kill you

and we're never working together again and we're not really friends. Okay, that went sideways. I got to tell you, Bill, that went sideways. Boy, the mind of an artist. Yeah. And I would work with him again because his music was on fire. But here's what I honestly think. I think if you don't bring this up, that's a very easy move, right? It's really easy to just not bring it up. But the longer you work with this guy, the more it's going to happen the hanging socially does complicate it yes because you know him go

ahead garth what if you put a sign in the bathroom sometimes you go to public places and there's signs in the bathroom that are like don't flush the towels because someone tried that so what if there was a sign in there you did think of this or you did this but it feels so funny to be like flush your shit to you but if you think about the fact that like i mean this i would say this is a good starting point to just sort of be like hey we don't know who it is but fyi something along the lines of like these are old pipes when you flush please hold it like something that just is indicating that flushing is mandatory, which again, it should not be necessary.

Or Garf, shame a little bit. Okay. Give me that pitch. What does that sign say? Please flush thin walls we can all smell. Oh man, that is wild. That is brutal. I know it's brutal.

Thin walls? The thin walls. First off, you don't want to advertise your I know it's brutal. The thin walls. First off, you don't want to advertise your thin walls at a recording studio. Facts. How about this? How about this? Thinnest walls in town. Come on down.

You can hear the drilling. What about something in the world of please flush smells have been intense because you're not saying to him hey man we know it's you we're saying we know that you know that you're not flushing shared bathroom please make sure you flush oh wait i have a new pitch okay do it water pressure not strong please flush twice yes i like that too it's you're basically saying hey sometimes you accidentally don't flush and the wiping thing is just that's we can't fix that what do you think of that, Bilba, about putting up a sign? I like that. Like, you need to flush. White things on you. Ooh.

Wow. Hold on, guys. That's really passive aggressive, but it's really good. It's just aggressive. I'll say this. Well, because you're not doing it face to face. A sign in general is a passive aggressive, like, roommates in college kind of a move. Yeah.

Like, when there's three people in your apartment and you put up a sign being like, just a reminder, everyone who lives here needs to do the dishes. Yeah. Also, please don't eat other spaghetti, especially when that one person just got home from work and was excited.

So Bill, let's be clear. Do you have the guts to confront this person face to face i think i do but not in a social setting i could be like in it like like caught in the ass you know what i mean like yes that's what i was like hey hey man follow uh yeah notice that i don't know like because i'm not on the sessions which would be more hilarious and but what you're you're close to where the studio is oh yeah so why not have your your husband text you when it's break time and he's going in there you come in you follow artist into the bathroom after like directly and come out and go hey whoa

you left a that's a big leave behind bill does this sound like you might do this because there's a move here i think that's where i'm leading but i'm scared so then here's what you're gonna say this is intense so i like what garf said about having your boyfriend text you i like standing right at the door so when he opens it he knows that you know for sure right so one more time my leavings are godly andy will you go will you be smegal walking out of the bathroom and bilba will you try to confront him and let's see what happens? Right. All right, here we go.

So Smeagol's in the bathroom. Click, click, door opening. Hey, you. Hey, you. Oh, fuck you. Oh, hey, Smeagol. Oh, Bilbo. Oh, I'm just going to use the bathroom myself also.

Great. Because I do that too. Can't wait to see you in a professional and personal manner moving forward. Yep. Me too. Oh, look at that. Everything is on and the lid is down. Whoa, Nellie.

All right. My friend, you left a huge dump in the toilet. I'm going to have to ask you to take care of that. I'm going to just leave for a sec. You go ahead. All right, Frodo, let's kick it. I'm already all the way back at the booth. I agree.

Bill, but your pacing is so slow and weird. He's not hanging out while you do this. Oh, roses and weird. He's not hanging out while you do this. Oh, roses and petals. I agree. He's deep in his second song while you're talking to nobody going, so,

you should know that. About the human digestive system. Frodo, should we do a harm stack right here? Holy schmoly nelly. There's a dumper in the toilet bowl. Whoa, nelly needs to come back that's also part of

my takeaway i'm a hundred percent you can auto do that i my falsetto's off today i'm screaming after letting loose the biggest dump of all time all right i think we're ready uh to wrap this one up bilba i think here's where here's'm at. Here's your options from us. You can bring up socially in a bar environment. Hearing how you do it as your friend on this, I'm not going to recommend it. You could put up the number two is just let it go. You're a business. He's a big client.

He wants to shit and do weird things. It's worth having him. Number three is put up a sign, something that's very clear that says, please flush twice, or we need you to flush your dumps, or it's disgusting not to flush, something in that zone. The next option is a caught in the act routine that we just painfully lived through. So, Bilba, where are you at? Sign, or maybe I'm

not going to stand outside the bathroom door. Good. Super weird. But if he's in the studio again, I'll probably just like a little knock, knock. Hey, just a reminder, you gotta flush the toilet. You are gonna do that, Bill? That is wild. There's a huge

distance between the sign and knocking and being like, hey, start with the sign. Let's just start small and go from there. Let's end this with a win, Bill. Can we decide on a sign right now and would you do this let's let's end this with a window will you can we decide on a sign

right now and would you put it in the bathroom even though he's not there as a new store policy and you would like a photo of it flushing is mandatory yeah what um font do you want oh wingdings for sure yeah yeah would you do wingdings calligraphy laminate it and would you put it pretty big over the toilet that says flushing is mandatory if he comes back and he takes a dump and he does not flush after the sign then it's time to confront him yeah bilba are you gonna do it yeah will you send a photo to kevin yep yeah and last before we go and we need to do this for everything about it yep this is how we end all of them can you please tell us the name of the musician really fast without thinking go ahead every call like

this like jake said this is not out of the ordinary bilba thank you for the call we're Okay, bye. Good luck. Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science-backed language learning app that actually works, which I find to be very important. Science-backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor.

They come over. They're, like, asking for snacks. They're being annoying. Or even waste hours on apps that don't really help. We're here to help, and Babbel is going to help you. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations. So, Jake, for instance, if you want to learn, I started relearning french through babble a little bit yes because i used to know french but then i don't know french uh but it's still there you know what i like about

it is that it's got a speech recognition technology yep because the problem with learning a new language is if you sound like you're from another country yes if it can actually help with the accent yes that's a big ass and applicable to situations you're going to find yourself in like when i think back to taking french it was just like so much it was like i'm never going to do that it's like how do you order food how do you get a drink how do you ask for directions but so babble's great now listen listen everybody should we bring him in right one quick pause should we bring in the clothes studies from yale this is interesting michigan state University and others, prove that Babbel is better.

So one study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college. So if that's true, which Yale's no joke, it's just putting schooling in a different light. Yes. If you spend 15 hours, let's say you didn't go to college and you always feel like, well, I don't know. I didn't go to college.

15 hours, you just did a semester. Yeah. That's wild. Yes. That's a wild study. So speaking of language, should we bring in the closer or should I do it?

Closer. All right, hold on. Let's get him. Kevin? Door's open. Oh, you meant Gil. I meant Kevin. What? I thought Kevin was going to do it closer all right hold on let's get him kevin doors open all right oh you meant gill yeah i meant kevin what kevin was gonna do it no i thought we were talking about the closer the we were he parked in front of all our cars so might as well oh we can't leave well what's

what's the problem go ahead uh so that old jalopy is gills yes and you can turn it off i guess keep it running. It's bad for something. A lot of smoke. I'm pausing a serious accent. Now listen, here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners. This isn't for people who don't listen, like Laura from one of the calls earlier. These are standalone?

At Babbel.com slash HTH. Jake, let me finish. Get 55% off babbel.com slash hth. Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash hth. We're going to want you to babbel. We want you to babbel. I'll tell you what. I don't want to babble your ear off.

I got to go back to the jalopy. Rules and restrictions. I have fun. restrictions. This episode is brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Garth, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because, as you know, my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement, and it was crazy.

It was a crazy situation, and there were so many times, so many things like complications were popping up, and there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly, somewhere close. You use ZocDoc. Yeah, would use ZocDoc because Yeah, you would use ZocDoc. Because it's just so much harder if you're just like, you know,

like using search engines to try to find someone and then you call, do they take your insurance? Yeah, but the problem also- ZocDoc has filters for all that. The problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up. Yes. And what I like, I actually use ZocDoc

since we started doing it i do like that it keeps it really clean and you could put all your information in yeah did you use zocdoc for your knee i did use zocdoc for my knee which i am going to get an mri on but we don't think it's a tear that's the good news but i am going to get an mri oh the doctor report back it's just an old man's knee it's actually pretty much what it sounded like a doctor said to me about my hips i'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like yeah you're just uh he goes i've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this well you're mid-40s yeah oh what a jerk uh well that guy's hopefully not on zoc doc but but again it really does it filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you

treat basically and again you can get an appointment quickly. You can also get it same day. That's absolutely right, Jake, if you're lucky. That's right, Gil Buchanan, 1s and 2s, 68 balmy. Don't worry about it. That's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother.

You never, literally never left. Wherever the best time in the world, go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Did you hear how much that costs you? Free, that's right. And then find and book a top rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H. ZocDoc.com slash H-T-H.

Hello. Hey, how are you? I'm good. how are you i'm good are you good you're on with jake johnson gareth reynolds and the host of high strangeness a weird ufo themed podcast how is that that's great it's perfect steve berg uh can we get your uh first name please yes it's renee renee can we get your age please yes i'm 31 31 and where are you where are you from renee missouri the show me state i knew you were gonna say that actually wow welcome back to high strangeness renee he didn't renee he didn't and we're gonna plow ahead okay then hold on steve what city st louis easy renee no nope kansas city oh well does it you said easy so okay what can we do for you today okay so i'm calling in about my husband and I. We have been married for about a year and a half. Congrats. And we're very comfortable with each other, you know.

I like to think we have a good, healthy sex relationship, sex life. Congrats. Nice. Yeah. So occasionally, from time to time, he likes a little backdoor tongue action. You said tongue action? Yeah. Act like you've been here before. Jake, let's do another take.

Jake, let's do one more take where you react. Plus, he likes a little backdoor tongue action. Respect? What's the problem? Yeah. You know, nothing crazy. Just a couple of normal people from Missouri. The flyover states have changed, kids. Well, this is the show me state.

It sounds like it's happening. We're out here in weirdo Los Angeles hearing about people licking buttholes in Missouri. There's nothing wrong with it. I don't think so either. It's great. Okay, so every now and then he likes a little tongue back there. Great. A little, yeah, just, you know, nothing crazy.

Just a little tongue action. A little licking. A little licking. A little yum yum. Yeah. so that's not the problem here um the problem is this man is he's a very hairy man oh this is disgusting no no no we're gonna help you we're gonna help you take us with you yeah all right he's jake sorry he's a hairy man so we i think i know where you're going but why don't you just take us there anyway? You know where I'm going with this. Go with it.

You know where I'm going with this. So do I go just face first into this jungle? No. Hold on. But I feel like if I say something to him, I don't want to kill his confidence or kill the sexy. You know what I mean? I don't want to.

So how do I navigate okay okay backdoor jungle i've got some questions to start renee well put first of all much respect to you thank you for the call i apologize for my tone before i am on your team and we're going to figure this out so first question uh welcome back thanks it was just a jar and start it listen and it was my weakness yeah renee yes renee what's this guy's name what's your partner's name or any name or any name adam adam uh have you done this before with adam i have okay has he gotten hairier see what i'm saying colombo one more thing no it's been consistent i just i i need i need something to change i mean you need

help you know what's not sexy is pulling hair out of your mouth it's not but so your tolerance level is dwindling on this uh yum yum situation interesting so yeah i mean i got a very boring like fix and that's a dental dam but i mean is that going to ruin the situation either way you're i mean the problem with that is you're still it still – your issue is you don't want him to feel like it bothers you. So if you're throwing a dental dam back there, you're basically saying you're shutting it down for construction. You're right. You're right. Hold on.

Hold on. You just said butthole, Don. Pass. Come on. It's good stuff. Renee, basically what happened here is, I mean you know you're in love it's early you're going with it whatever and now that it's kind of settled down you want to make it a little bit easier because yeah you are asking your tongue to machete through a back jungle

and you want help with how to scribble the title we want we want we want to help you figure out a way i've got a foolproof plan already what What is it? Is it a dental dam again? Before you start, can you remember it? Yeah. Renee, can I ask you a Columbo question? Because Gareth is talking like Adam's friend and trying to find a way to get you there. And I need you real here.

Do you want to continue doing this or do you feel like you should continue doing this? Okay, so. Are you ready to retire and hang up the jersey yes that's exactly right no i feel like you know i like you know we like to satisfy each other so i like to you know i want to how do i satisfy my man without choking on a hairball okay now we're with you my i went on a road renee i needed to know that now we're with you. I went on a road. Renee, I needed to know that. Now we're with you. Steve, what do you have? Do you want my easy fix? Sure. Okay. So I love how open your sexual relationship is.

So you could always say, hey, Adam, I'm going through a phase where I'm into like smooth skin butts that are not hairy. And you kind of make it into a joke like, hey, what if we tried something crazy and we shaved your butt and it might be a whole new thing. Hold on. Let him go. Let him be. I love it. I think you're on to something. You could frame it as like it's a kind of a kink I want to explore.

I want to explore a twink butt. I've been exploring a bear butt. That's not really bad. If you pitch my kink is shaving your asshole. I would potentially say, and this happens in reverse all the time where women, guys go, I'm really into hairless, and this happens in reverse all the time where women guys go, I'm really into hairless and women go get waxes. Yeah, that's true.

I think rather than you having to shave his butt or do a big lie about being into a new kink, I would lean into this idea of I'm happy to do it. The hair is getting much. What about doing a wax to which he'll go, no gracias. And you'll go, well, I've done it for you. Yeah, there you go. That's the turn. That's a very straight shot.

That's an A to B, which I like. That option is there. And by the way, I think that what I like about it is that you are honestly approaching the subject. You're being respectful. I would imagine that he would go, oh, I get it. But I also get the idea that you want to try to navigate around this a little. So I'll throw a couple pitches your way in how to do that.

My first is, I don't know what your situation is in your pubic area, but if you keep it pretty high and tight, hey, we're growing it out. We're going to fight fire with fire we're gonna show him the problems with hairs quick pause don't lose this okay renee are we high and tight where are we at here kid no yeah we're high and tight okay and tight so we're talking about we're going

back to 1972 and we're gonna show adam okay what some of the some of the problems with having to navigate through the bushes. Because what if he says, hey, sweetheart, do you mind trimming because I'm getting hairs in my mouth? Could lead us to your plan. Right? Could lead us to... Why don't we go get a wax together?

Alright, well, that's really interesting. So there's that one. My second one is wild. But again, we just like to give people options. So here's what I recommend you do. You go back there. You're performing the duties that you've signed up for. You're performing yum-yum.

Yep, you're going back there for a little yum-yum. While you're performing a little yum-yum, uh-oh, one of the butt hairs gets caught in your mouth, and you fake a choke. I love this. And you start coughing and going, oh oh my God, I'm so sorry. Some of your butt hairs got caught in my throat and you go get water, drink it, gargle. So sorry.

And that leads you to, look, it's just hard sometimes to get where you want me to go with all of, give me a second. With the obstruction. With all the obstructions we have back here. It would probably help me and help you if we kind of just trimmed it up back there a little bit. I need to jump in. I need to jump in. Clear the freeway.

I need to jump in. There's too much debris. I need to jump in. Jump. Renee, you said you don't want him feeling self-conscious, so Gareth pitched... Gareth? What the hell's going on? Do you have pubes in your fucking throat?

What's your name? Oh, Gareth. Let me tell you what Jake just did. Jake looked at the poster of our podcast behind me and just said, what's your name? Well, why do you think I never introduce people, man? This is my buddy. My brain is adopted. I forget cousins' names.

What's your name? That's why I take notes. If it all just said Gareth, all of Jake's notes is just my name. So here's what I'm afraid of on that, Renee. If you're trying to make Adam not feel insecure and you fake choking on his butthole, leave the act to get water and then go sorry i was really hoping

to a conversation it's a really tough one it's tough but we're eight options so as of right now renee we've got steve's kind of version and that's say you've got a new kink. Maybe will he shave his butthole? You've got my version. And that is maybe ask for a wax and say you're willing to do it. Also, you've got Garf's option of you let yours get 70s and you fight fire with fire, which I might think is the smartest. And four, you've got fake a choke on a pube that ideally leads to a conversation and he then chooses to shave or wax. Where are you at right now in this stage? If we can close and win right now, we will. If we have to keep pitching, we will. But I want to hear

from you if you don't mind, Renee. My first instinct would to be to kind of dance around the idea of let's go get a wax together. Okay. Just so it's like a together thing. Like, so I'm not like, I'm not pointing my finger. Okay. So I feel like that's fair. But I am entertaining the idea of like choking on a hair because that would, but maybe playing it like downplaying it.

Yeah. Okay. You don't need to overdo it. Just so it's kind of like I'm making a point, but I'm not saying it. Renee, can we do a game here, Renee? Can you please be you and

I'll be Adam. We don't need an Adam. We do need an Adam. I can play Adam. I mean, it's what I have to picture Steve doing which I don't love. So then please, to be as sincere as you can. Yeah, of course, of course. So, Rene, you are performing Yum Yum on Adam whenever you are ready, and action. Really enjoy it.

Oh, yeah. Okay, I'm sorry. Cut. Sorry, Rene. Let's just cut right away. Hey, Adam. Keep the- No audio.

No reaction to the act we'll we'll let renee start with the kind of pseudo choke and then you'll be there for the conversation let you pull me back i'm gonna just say this as an as an extra i know you won the strike but in this you don't have lungs okay so let's go again and action oh babe are you okay is everything all right no i'm trying to i'm trying to get this hair. It's like stuck in my throat right now. I'm trying to get it out of my mouth. Hold on just a second.

Give me just a minute. I need to get it out of the water. Oh, God. Sorry. Hold on. Renee. The actor we paired her with is really good. He's pushing it.

Yeah, but hold on, Renee. I'm going to say as your your friend i would not do fake choke i would not she cut the fake choke she's doing a sort of it's caught in her throat choke is the hair in her yeah but it's caught it's not but i wouldn't do this and here's why you're entering a really weird zone she already did but in a conversation when you're saying you don't want him to feel embarrassed you're choking on his butthole hair leaving the act to get water for him to sit there alone and go like jesus my asshole is so disgustingly hairy but then i humiliated humiliated i think so too and then the next time you go hey maybe you want to get into

it he'll be like maybe don't kiss me anywhere beneath my nose because there's disgusting hairs from my ankles to my nose. And I'm sorry, I nearly killed you. I would say the go couples wax. I got another. Maybe I got a middle ground that leads you to the couples wax. You're doing the act and you tell him that it's hard to give him what he wants with what's back there a little bit. that it's hard to give him what he wants with what's back there a little bit. And it's more on the level of, for what you're trying to do,

it's a little difficult, and you think that you can do this after, and say, you know, after everything's finished, after you're in the throes of passion, you think it might be a good idea for both of you to go just clean up your nether regions together. That's interesting. Renee, can I go back to you for a second? Because I need to get to the core of this one a little bit. Where are you at in real life on this?

Are you thinking of doing a little bit of like a song and dance to get to this talk? Because I think this is a danger zone. She wants that. It is. I think that it a danger zone. She wants that. It is. I think that it could go south. So I think I need to play it safe and just maybe suggest a couple of whacks and just see the reaction from that. I think that's right. And then I can gauge where it goes from there.

And I think there is something to Gareth's idea of letting it rip down there a little bit. Because your dream scenario is he says to you, hey, any chance you want to trim it up a little bit and you could say sure how about you and he goes trim what up and you go maybe everything yeah i think if we look it's funny right now we're having a lot of fun if you enter this role play about choking on a butthole hair with your partner we explored it and we had a good time with it. Yes. But here's the problem. I don't think it works though. Here's the problem. I think you only get one real shot to do this properly.

I agree. So I think if you just straight up go with a conversation, you know, that also feels a little bit like out of nowhere. So that's why I think if you let it- The 70s. Well, if it's the 70s or even if it's when you are doing it right after, you say, it's a little hard for me to get to where you want me to go because it feels like it's coming out of an experience.

I was thinking that maybe just kind of like it's easier to get to the sweet spot without the debris in the way. By the way, he's going to like this. Title. He's going to like this too so yeah he's he's he's performing other things back there that probably are gonna go a lot better without this yeah nightmare unfettered yum yum access like you don't have to peel away yeah so renee what do you think about how would this play for you if you did the act and then said after, hey, you know, honestly, honey, it's a little bit hard to get to the sweet spot with all the debris in the way. How do you think that's going to play in your language with you and Adam?

I think that if it was while we were still, you know, in a playful, loving mood, I think that it would play out right. I think that would be how I would do it. So post-coital so we're we've got our advice from this group seems to be right after the act bring it up sweetly with the intent of i just kind of want to go further and give you what you want be better at it did be better yeah exactly uh yeah the other advice i don't want you to throw away is the 70s play fire with fire and let him bring it up. And then you guys, both could say, what if we did a waxing together after the first waxing, then you go deep and he goes, that was great. And you go, you know, it's actually, I never

thought of this. It's better without the hair. Yeah. So Renee, what do you think? What do you think? I think we've given you two rock solid ideas here. What do you think you're going to do? I think I'm going to bring it up after it happens while we're still in the playful, loving mood. That way it's light and not too heavy. I'm not bringing it up out of the blue. And if that doesn't go anywhere, then we'll go with plan B because then it puts the ball on his court. I think in that order you can kind of do both. I think you're exactly right

and and remember this the only other thing i'd say is like i would want to approach this as carefully as possible but you are doing this from a loving place and you know reminding him of that if it seems like it gets sensitive is going to be helpful it sounds like you're going to be coming from a very sweet place i think the the timing is right. Godspeed. It's a help me help you situation. What did I call you earlier? Gara. Gara.

Gareth. Gareth. Gareth. Gareth. You can find Garthy and Gareth. All right. So this is Gareth and Jake with special guest Steve Berg saying, just talk to Adam. Thank you for the call.

Good luck, Renee. Good luck. Thank you. Bye. Talk to Adam. Thank you for the call. Good luck, Renee. Good luck. Thank you. I think that one with some trims is going to be a lot of fun. Well, I think that's what her policy is. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt.

And the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.