We're Here to Help - 45: Skid Marcc with Mary Holland

Episode Date: January 18, 2024

Jake, Gareth and special guest Mary Holland talk to a caller with a dirty bed sheet situation. Later, they chat with someone hoping to surprise her mom. Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] the video episodes of the podcast at Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodCheck out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com!If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPodAdvertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

and here we are again we are back back. All right. Another episode. And we got a fun one. Yes. Absolutely. We have a guest. We have the great Mary Holland. Who is fantastic. Yes.

I know her, well, from a number of things, but she was on Who? Yes. A bunch. And was like the most versatile voiceover actress. I've worked with Mary. I believe she was on New Girl, too. But I've worked with her a bunch. A lot of us have been.

She is always somebody who can do everything. Yeah, and she's in your film Self Reliance. Now on Hulu. Now on Hulu. She was one of the, I wrote it with her in mind,

she was one of the first people I wanted to cast. I knew if I had her in the family and I told her this, that I knew the family was going to work. Yes, which it does.

Because she can be really tough while being funny. Yes. And if it went one way too much in either direction i didn't think it was going to work totally she's great she is a home run and really great on this and what a problem what a problem two problems what yeah but this the agreed there's one that's great and then the garf man has a tour coming up that's right uh jake you're not the only one who's hit pay dirt in the Hollywood business. I myself have also been crushing. I'm going to be going everywhere starting February 26th.

You can join me on the road. You can go to garethreynolds.com for any of these tour dates. I'm going to be in Las Vegas, Salt Lake City, Denver, Wichita, Springfield, Missouri, Des Moines, Iowa, Kansas City, Tulsa, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Houston, Austin, San Antonio, Lafayette, New Orleans, Madison, Milwaukee, Chicago, Cleveland, and then there's more to come. It's a lot. So go to garethrennels.com if you want to join me for any of those shows. And if you're a fan of the show, we ask you to go support the Garfman. And also, please check out our YouTube. Our numbers are shockingly embarrassing.

Yes, we're mortified. We're doing really well on audio, and we love you for it. But we're doing two kids from the suburbs of somewhere. It's Wayne's World. We're doing Wayne's World on YouTube. Hey, man, check out our show. We're in his studio. But it's good.

It is very fun to watch the show, especially when we have guests on and all that. But we really do appreciate everyone talking about the show and telling each other. So we thank you for supporting and listening and telling your friends what you have. And then we're hoping we got some younger people who like YouTube. Yeah, go on YouTube.

We're going to have 80 views. If not, we're going to Rumble or Twitch. Don't make us do this. What the hell is Rumble or Twitch? Jake doesn't even know what it is. Anyway, we appreciate it. Enjoy the episode episode it's a great one and without further welcome to the show we're here to help hi hi can i get your name please leila leila uh where are you coming from layla nashville tennessee

nashville uh and uh what's your age i'm 24 24 you're on with jake johnson gareth reynolds and a phil hartman type actress who i've worked with many times and I adore. She is in the movie Self Reliance, which I directed. And I'm in. Her name is Mary. Hi, Mary. Hi, Layla. I'm actually, my parents live in Franklin, Tennessee. So, yeah.

So anyway. There was a pause there where I thought she wasn't going to be into it. There was a pause where I was going to be like, all right. So anyway, should I get to my problem? Is Mary okay? I'm good. I'm good. I can name any town

in any state. Hey, Mary, give us three more cities in Tennessee. All right, Layla. So what are you calling about today, Layla? What can we help you with?

Okay. So originally when I reached out, I had a dilemma where I'm dating this guy. We've been dating for around four months. He came over for the first time and we were getting busy. Now, we were

just warming up and I was like, oh, I have to use the restroom really quick. Ran to the bathroom, came back. I'm like, okay, we're great. He goes, oh, I have to go too. So I'm like, okay, that's fine. He goes, oh, I have to go too. So I'm like, okay, that's fine. That's fine, whatever. Very understanding of you. Yeah.

You say that like he said something weird. He just said he had to do what you just did. I also will move weights. Oh, that's fine. That's fine. Very cool, Layla. I'm super chill with people using the toilet. I'm one of these girls.

Go for it. So you're hooking up. Let's Layla. Let's give this guy a name just so we can have something to refer to him as. Let's call him Mark. Mark. With a K or a C. Who cares?

But I do. Yeah, it's weird. We're going to say two C's. Two C's? You're a lunatic. You guys are in a weird standoff. The the two of you what you've just done to mark standard name now it's marxist yeah exactly layla the fact that you said casually we're gonna go with two c's means you're a true hey fuck it can i add a k so that's m-a-r-c-c-k is mark boy

i like that okay okay so you're Okay, so you're with Mark. You're hooking up, just warming up. Warming up probably. Clothes are still on. But you're just crying. Yes. Easy. No, that is warm.

Listen, listen, listen. Okay, listen. This is important. So my bed is all white because, yes. Oh, boy. It comes from the bathroom. Hold on. Can we just enjoy that detail for a moment?

The bed is all white. Yeah, that's a great. Oh, God. So we call a setup. Okay,? The bed is all white. Yeah, that's a great. Oh, God. So we call a setup. Okay, so the bed is all white. That's what they call a setup. I don't think it's going to stay that way for long. I don't think it's going to stay that way.

And we're back. All right, Layla. This is the show. So you've got, that's it. Thanks so much. So you've got the white bed. Mark comes back. Yes, all the clothes are off.

Okay. And I'm doing something on him. But he's sitting down and doing something to him, obviously. He gets up so he can take positions. And I see something dark on the seat. Like in the glow of my bathroom. I see something dark on the seat. So I'm like, oh crap, maybe I

started my period unexpectedly. So I like click on the light because these are expensive sheets. And it's the marks of booty cheeks. And like the brown shit in the middle. What? And I'm like, where he was sitting. Like a dog with worms.

When you said the marks of booty cheeks, I just want to make sure I have that correct. Well, you are a doctor. We also have a title for the episode. I just want to make sure I have that correct. Well, you are a doctor. You always have. We also have a title for the episode. I always have been a doctor. The booty cheeks, are you saying there's an imprint, or

did the booty cheeks also leave a stain? No, the booty cheeks left a stain, like dirt marks where the cheeks are, and in between the cheeks there's a mark. Wait, and just to be clear, because it sounds like we're tracking a Yeti. Did the, are you, so there was the dirt marks on the booty cheeks, but then are you suggesting also there was a trail from the center?

Yeah. It went right in the, you can literally see. And different, different, different colors? Just so I can be very. Wow. Okay. I got to get out of the weeds. Different colors. Guys, I got be very... Different colors. Wow. Okay, I got to get out of the weeds. Different colors. Guys, I got to get out of the weeds on this.

I have a soft stomach, and I'm thinking of barfing. Okay. Do it on my white bedding. So, Layla, I need to know, before we dive deep into this, is this 100% true? 1000% true. Okay, that's more than that. All right. We're 100% with you now.

You're in a world of hurt. This is disgusting. As your friend, because you call it... And you were just on him. I'm that wasn't. All right. We're 100% with you now. You're in a world of hurt. This is disgusting. As your friend, because you call him. And you were just on him. I'm sorry this happened to him. Your body was touching his body. You were being romantic. You were being kind.

And he leaves you a shit stain. Generous. I would even say. Generous. As a lover. All right. Keep going. Keep going.

Sweet Lila. I'm sorry. I hate Margaret. She's in a fucking cake. Wipe your fucking ass, Mark. All right, Jake. Let her keep going. Lila, I'm with you.

I hate this fucking guy. We're all with you. If you're going to take a dump at a lady's house, take a shower. All right. You animal. All right. I don't know. I think I'm against her.

I'm just kidding. I thought you were going to say you were against the shower post-dump when you get in bed. I'm just kidding. I thought you were going to say you were against the shower post dump when you get in bed. I'm against it. I think it's the most me I can give you. Let's hear Mark's philosophy out a little bit. No, I'm just kidding. Keep going, Linda. Okay, so the lights come on. Notice

his booty. We kind of just stared at each other for a second back at the spot. In dead silence, I just take the sheet off my bed to go spot clean it because there is a sheet and i really care about my bedding so i'm just rubbing the seat and he's dressed and i was like we can we can just talk about it later and he just left oh yeah oh my god what did you you what what was your read of him was he was he proud was he is that really your question so i'm glad we got a doctor in here yes uh i can answer for

you he was very proud did you high five him when he put his hand up for the high five i think what he said is why are you cleaning up my shit stain? Where are your marks, lover? Where are your marks, lover? Oh my God. But did he seem ashamed? Did he seem mortified? He was mortified. I couldn't care about his feelings

because my distant cotton sheets had poo on them. I agree. Did the stains come out? Just to jump ahead and then we'll get back in. Were you able to get the stains out? Mostly.

There's a faint memory of him. He ruined the sheets. Layla, he ruined those sheets. That's what we call a ghost turd in the afterlife business. Go ahead, Jake. And so what is the... I got this. What is the...

Mary, I've got this. He doesn't. Mary, I'm doing great. I know. What is the... Mary, I've got this. He doesn't. Mary, I'm doing great. I know. What is the question here? Because all I see is you're a lady who lost some sheets and they're expensive. And a man. Yes.

He's dead. Here's the question. We ended up meeting later for coffee so we could talk about it. Wait, you did? Why are you feeding this man coffee of all beverages? He's a leaky spouse. I wanted to get the of all beverages why i needed an answer why would you okay hold on did you reach out to him after or did he reach out walk us through that please i reached out to him because he was obviously too ashamed and i'm an understanding person i just said hey let's grab coffee and maybe we could just chit chat. I didn't want to be, you know, broad.

Respect. I like that play. That's very nice. And then what happened at the coffee? Will you walk us through that? I finally bring it up. And he's just like, what? I thought I went to good.

And I'm like, what did you just say to me? And then he explained further that he was never taught how to properly clean his body and that he doesn't like to touch his butt. So he tries to do it as little as possible. Wait, he tries to do as little as possible. This is a turn I didn't expect. This is a crazy toilet philosophy. Touch his butt.

So I'm thinking, here's my dilemma now. Do I come up with some anal cleaning curriculum here? Or do I just let this man be? Because I'm wondering. Oh, you're thinking about his life. I'm like, should I just help him out? No, she's just thinking about him as a human. Yeah, but I mean, as far as a romantic partner,

that is over. Well, no, yeah. But he never smells bad or anything. He's so nice. You heard his philosophy, do as little as pot. This is not long term. Hold on. And Layla, I do think, you know, he pooped on your sheets. Yeah. And so

I think at that point, I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? Jake, I don't know. Jake, I don't know. Jake, you know. Layla, he doesn't smell bad and he was raised poorly and the poor man just doesn't like bad and he was raised poorly. And the poor man just doesn't like to touch his own bottom.

Okay, well, let me ask you this. Kevin's got that issue. All right, not the hunk of the show. Stop it. Kevin hasn't wiped in two years. I have never seen him touch his own butt. There, I said it. He's told me. He goes like this.

Why would I want to touch my own butthole? And I go, to wipe. And he's like, ew, it's a butthole. Yeah, and then he sort of scooted away. Let me ask you this leila does any part of you think that if you could fix this you would want to get back that's the right question yeah like do you feel like you got a good guy except you know how they say certain women like to see men as like projects yes this would be a big this is big this is a foundation is he

a project or are you just trying to help him on planet Earth? Well, I feel like both. It depends because I think if we all come together and create a solid curriculum, he could come on the other end of this so clean because right now, I feel like he's such a good character. It's a battle of timidness versus character.

You see what I mean? I do. If you come up with a curriculum, I would like for you to send that to me. Well, we're going to come up with it right now. We're going to come up with the pitch of how to get there. I mean? I do. If you come up with a curriculum, I would like for you to send that to me. Well, we're going to come up with it right now. And we're going to come up with the pitch of how to get there. So, Layla, here's what I think we can help you with. If this is not the right pitch, then you tell us. Okay?

We're going to try to figure out how you can talk to Mark and teach him how to clean his ass while not humiliating him and keeping the option of, if you clean that ass, I'll finish what I started. Oh. Title idea. Jake only speaks in titles now. I mean, when it's there, it's there.

So, what do you think of what we can help you with? Is that why you're calling in? Yes, you guys. Help me get them back to track. Okay. So quickly, just so we know a little bit, how much do these sheets cost? Roughly. $150 for the flat sheet.

For the flat sheet alone? That is crazy. And I say it's important to know that because those mean a lot to you. For the flat sheet? For the flat sheet alone? That is crazy. And I say it's important to know that because those mean a lot to you, and eventually that's going to have to come back for you to fully forgive them and move on. They just are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just are. No, that's true.

This is going to be two years later, and you're going to be in a fight, and you're going to go like, disgusting-ass piece of shit. I'm out of $150 shit. So you've got to get that back. By the way, I would just say if I were him, I would also consider that this couldn't work because you do have the trump card for any argument oh good and it would it would be bad i taught you how to wipe your butt yeah but at least i wiped my ass you're like

i also just want to say quickly leila i love that you invest in your betting okay yes yes so leila when he when he talked about his childhood and how he was taught, what did he say specifically? His parents never physically showed him how to shower. How to shower? So he had to physically figure it out. Well, like clean his body. Yeah. So he had to figure it out by himself.

So his philosophy, this is what he was supposed to do. After he pooped, he wiped once, and he thinks that has everything out. Like even in the shower, when he cleans his butt, he wipes once, and he thinks that has everything out. Like, even in the shower, when he cleans his butt, he wipes once. So this is a caveman. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Just so I can do a little math. Yeah. We get one wipe after the act.

That's it. And then in the shower, we get one wipe. But if he takes a shower. And so at no point are we ever checking fully clean clean right i'm gonna tell you what he's gonna love you for teaching him how to do this it feels better to be clean now but the other thing i'm gonna say is this wow a lot of times when relationships begin i know in my relationship with my wife we still laugh about how i lived right i was in hollywood i was on a futon she said that i had

a down uh blanket that had holes in it and she said i put the blanket over us and feathers were little feathers went everywhere but we love that's like a magic show yeah i love that that's celebratory but like doves the joke she'll have is like you went from basically like living in the woods i used to think that pe that Pepsi was the same as water. Oh boy. So, and that pasta was very healthy. So a lot of relationships do start with a version. That's true.

Let me civilize you a little. This is an extreme one. Yes. But Mark has not learned how to wipe his goddamn ass. And to Mark's credit, he came to this coffee day. And was honest. And was honest. And another thing I'd like to say is

i don't and maybe maybe i'm the the mark but i don't please tell me you wipe your ass i never do it's self-cleaning um i don't know if my parents my parents ever walked me through how to take a shower. I think at a certain point, you piece that together. Yeah, but here's what's... No water and just a little bit of soap. We all kind of get there when we get there. Here's what I would say, Layla. You seem to like this guy's character. You seem to think he's a potential winner.

I would potentially, rather than sit down with him face to face and explain how to do it, maybe send them a YouTube video. Love that. And start off and just say, I want you to watch this and I want you to do it. And you could also say, I'm willing to be with you, not in the bathroom, but be with you when you do it because I'm going to walk you through this, Mark, because I care. Now what you're entering a world of real intimacy

between you two, a real team. And also, I mean, I also just want to put out there, what a cute story for your wedding. What a not cute story. So Mary, will you do the speech as the bridesmaid? Yeah, of course. So Layla, you just got married to Mark and now we'd like to bring up Layla's best friend, Mary Holland.

Hi, everyone. First of all, Layla and Mark, I'm so happy for you. Love you both so much. Listen, we all know the road to true love never runs smooth, but sometimes it runs a little too smooth. Am I right, Mark? Oh, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

For those of you who don't know, Mark. Keep going. Keep going. You're at a wedding. Mark, well, basically, they were warming up. They were hooking up. They were warming up. And they both went to the bathroom.

I'll just walk you through it. So they were dating or they went on a date and it was like things were good and so leila has leila's got nice sheets okay and if you if you know anything about leila that's my girl if you know anything about her you know that she loves her bet and we all do yes but leila really takes care of it. And so Mark pooped on it. And you know what? Anybody else and this is a testament. And I know everybody's telling me to shut up right now. But this is a testament.

Let me finish. This is a testament to their love because Layla anybody else in that situation would write Mark off and say never again this person pooped in my bed and but but anyway

give me the mic but Layla said but Layla said but Layla said Layla said no I'm going to help this person because I really see a future

shit smash oh go I really see a future so anyway I think it's wonderful and I love you guys to Mark and Layla yes so I don, I think it's wonderful. And I love you guys. To Mark and Layla.

Yes. I think it's a very uncute origin story. I love it. Especially that you taught him how to wipe his butt. But I think there's something about the YouTube video. I think there's something about being honest and clear and saying, if you're into this, I can show you how to wipe but you gotta do it if we're gonna be real where are you at leila in terms of where we're kind of talking right now i'm thinking

i'm definitely gonna do the video idea i thought maybe it could be cute too if we showered together Together? That's cute. Ew, ew, ew, ew. Hold on, hold on. He has a dirty ass. I was just going to say, let's make that a secondary third. At some point, you have to relay the message very clearly that your ass needs to be clean. Needs to be clean. It just is a given. Are you going to be outside the door shouting instructions? Kevin, do you have internet access?

Yep. Will you Google really fast or go on YouTube and see if there are videos i got them i got them all up jake you do no i don't just go to your history but they they were up before right yeah yeah yeah you do a side podcast just white bros we're gonna look at something right swipe up and see if there's swipe up uh oh boy he comes in and he nails it. Front to back. See if there's a video of anything there that we could send her way. Because what I would love you to do, Layla, is send this to them.

And then I think I would like a follow-up with both you guys. Kevman, do we have anything teed up? Yep. There's a video called Skid Marks. And we'll send that your way. That's a DJ. Do you have anything? So here's what we recommend, Layla. We recommend you send in this video.

The question to you is, do you want an email teed up or do you want to just send that cold? Teed me up an email, please. Okay. Let's start that email. Does anybody want to start it? Mary? Oh, gosh. Hi.

How are you? Okay. Good. I hope you're well great i'm doing okay all right yeah we're really getting in the weeds of the high um all right so what what have you been up to lately okay he can't answer it um i happen to i don't know if you know me but you probably don't know if you know me, but you probably don't. Okay. No, he knows you. And then I'll link to my IMDb. And then I'll say, listen, I think that this kind of video could be helpful for you. I like that.

And you don't have to respond. Okay. I like that. What do you think of something like that? Obviously, shave the first weird nine questions. Or add nine more. Do you like cheddar cheese? Is this your email? What did your dad do for work?

You can't just launch right into it. But you could. You could say they had a talk. They had a coffee. I think you could. Well, yeah. I think you could get it. I mean, I think just like like hey listen you know i thought you were about to vape young lady that would be amazing i was going to really see you he's getting high a little vape he's really

high i'm so high right now i think like hey mark look i you know for our conversation we had coffee i really care about you i want to like help you a little bit and i think you know, for our conversation, we had coffee. I really care about you. I want to like help you a little bit. And I think, you know, just watch this video again. There's no judgment here. I just really want to help you. And yeah, something like that. That's nice.

And then, hey, who are you? And then what you could also do is if this is helpful, would love to see you again, because then you're basically saying learn to wipe that ass and i'll go on another date but i can't if you're gonna ruin my sheets yeah what do you think of that yeah i think this is perfect thank you guys so much so let's see what we have layla let's do the email let's do the youtube and then will you follow up with us on his response definitely okay thank you for the call and mary holland thank you for being Okay. Great. Thank you for the call. And Mary Holland, thank you for being here. Yes, thank you, Mary.

Thank you for having me. Layla, thanks for sharing. And then remember, if you two do get married, Mary's got to come and- I'm ready with a maid of honor speech. See you later. Thank you.

Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science-backed language learning app that actually works, which I find to be very important. Science-backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor. They come over.

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Yes. If you spend 15 hours, let's say you didn't go to college and you always feel like, well, I don't know. I didn't go to college. 15 hours, you just did a semester. Yeah. That's say you didn't go to college. And you always feel like, well, I don't know. I didn't go to college. 15 hours? You just did a semester. That's wild. That's a wild study. So, speaking of language, should we bring in the closer or should I do it?

Closer. Alright, hold on. Let's get him. Kevin? Door's open. Oh, you meant Gil. I meant Kevin. I thought Kevin was going to do it. No, I thought we were talking about the closer. We were. He parked in front of all our cars, so might as well. Oh, he can't leave.

Well, what's the problem? Go ahead. So that old jalopy is Gil's? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. No, keep it running. It's bad for something. A lot of smoke.

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This episode is brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Garth, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because, as you know, my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip

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And what I like, I actually use ZocDoc since we started doing it. I do like that it keeps it really clean and you can put all your information in. Yeah. Did you use Zococdoc for your knee i did use zocdoc for my knee which i am going to get an mri on but we don't think it's a tear that's the good news but i am going to get an mri oh the doctor report back it's just an old man's knee it's actually pretty much what it sounded like doctor said to me about my hips i'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like yeah you're just the i've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this, well, you're

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And then find and book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H. ZocDoc dot com slash H-T-H. Hi. Hi, welcome to the show. We're here to help. Hello. hi hi welcome to the show we're here to help hello hey you're on with uh jake johnson gareth reynolds and one of the stars of the movie i directed self-reliance and somebody who i adore on and off screen miss mary holland hi one of the stars of hoops as well that gareth was an

executive producer writer on one of the actresses on New Girl, which Gareth was on. One of the actresses in a Sprint commercial that I directed. A Sprint commercial that took place at a barber shop? And Stevie Berg was in it. I remember that one. I think that was all the credits we've done together. The first of many. The first couple of many.

So can I get your name, please? Emily. Emily. How old are you, Emily? I am 40 years old. That a girl. And where are you calling from? I'm calling from the large state of Texas.

Texas. That's good. You're talking east, west, north, south. Gareth is a big Austin guy. I just went to Austin. I was there yesterday. What a town. Where are you?

Oh, I'm in the west. West. West Texas. That is good for me. What can we do Where are you? Oh, I'm in the West. West Texas. That is good for me. What can we do for you today? So I would like some help navigating a situation that my sisters and I find ourselves in. Our parents will be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary coming up soon. Congrats to mom and dad.

Made it to gold. I know. It's 50 gold. Congratulations to them. And my mom has been starting to plan it. It'll probably be in 2025 because that would be 50 years. And she has it in her mind that she, she had it in her mind that she would like my sisters and I to lip sync or

sing and dance to sister sledledges' We Are Family. Oh, my God. Wow. That is a big ask. I like mom. Lip sync or you can sing. Hey, that's an option, too. She wants you and how many sisters?

If we're feeling brave. Emily, how many sisters do you have? Two sisters. So she wants the three of you to sing We Are Family. Yes, and I'm pretty convinced it's only for that one line. I've got all my sisters with me of course well also we are family the first half is pretty great it's appropriate too yes yeah okay so she wants it could even be everyone can see we're together as we walk on by

yeah go ahead how much of it do you know garth huh wait a minute let it rip a little bit just like birds of a feather i don't tell no lie all of the people around us they say can we be that is this the song yeah doesn't sound like anything i've ever heard yeah me either it started but then your face got really red and your eyes watching you but your eyes got aggressive your eyes I was watching you. Your eyes got aggressive. Your eyes got scary. Well, you're shouting it. Remember, this is a song about- You were saying we are family, but your eyes said I'm going to kill you. I've always imagined this drunk at a Christmas.

Yes. You know, so you're just going like, we are family. Yeah. See, I don't think that- Hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah. No. That's not what this is called. All right.

We'll cut that out and we're back. Rating. Yeah. First of all, Emily. I apologize. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. I don't feel good.

I feel bad. So I'll be totally frank with everybody. Okay. I'm not happy. I think I threw my back out. It was shockingly aggressive. It was bad. It was scary.

Yeah, I'm pissed. There is blood. I don't know where it's coming from. I'll locate it soon. Why are you mad? I don't know. Something happened. I have a'll locate it soon. Why are you mad? I don't know. Something happened. I have a lot of family trauma from when I was a child, and I guess I just was, I'm furious.

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, Mary. Thank you so much. I was waiting for someone to apologize to me. And I'm very sorry, too. Well, Jake already did it. Okay. That's a tough one to hear.

So, Emily, we are going back to you. We are getting away from the Garfman. Absolutely. Smart call. Your mother and father are having their 50th anniversary, and mom wants you to sing We Are Family With Your Sisters. I know that song. Continue. So she approached each of us individually, but then we have our own text chain to be like, so mom just asked this.

So we were already, like, knowing that the question was coming. And we each other told her like, it's not something we're really comfortable doing. It sounds really awkward for us. It feels really, it seems like it would be really awkward for the people who were in the audience. It's weird.

And so I propose. It's also her day though though, so keep going. It is her day. I got to tell you, when she gave birth to you, she wasn't like, this is really fun for me. I'm looking in my ball and seeing. Oh, I have to spread my legs in front of a doctor. This is a tad awkward. Oh, you're ripping through my vagina.

I'm loving this. Kind of did it for you, so keep going. So I propose as like maybe karaoke like okay let's just turn this into something silly that everybody is doing everybody takes a turn yeah she did not like that i'm with mom what's your mom's name by the way who i like more than you right now all right jake i'm into mom emily what's mom's name her name is connie connie sweet connie i'm 100 on connie's team so far So you then said a karaoke version, which is just putting a bunch of cream and coffee and calling it coffee.

So you got sugar and cream and they're doing it. Jesus Christ. I'm getting too hot. You want to know why I'm getting hot? Emily, Emily. Everyone can see. Sorry, go ahead. Maybe give it a little love and there's something there.

Emily, you want to know why I'm so with connie right now why is that because she asked you and told you clearly what she wants and you guys said yeah but no well what is the what's the holdup what why embarrassed well is that it i mean it's it's a stage fright yeah yeah how deep does? I mean, it's just it's it's not something that the three of us would be comfortable doing. And which we are trying to like actively. How many people are we expecting at this event? I don't have an idea on numbers, except my mom is inviting like a lot of our family. OK, they're pretty big family. And you're grown up. Like really? You're adults. And we're we're adults. I have one more question. I would say probably like a hundred people. Okay.

And Emily, are there other performances at this celebration? Or is like, are there other, is there a band, like, are there other performances or is this the only performance? I think that she is like envisioning some like speeches and stuff like that. Of course she is.

I don't have an idea that it's going to be like a dance party or anything like that. Oh, okay. I don't think that it's going to be that. It seems like it's going to be like a dinner and then there's going to be like talking. And then they're going to do the clinking of the glasses. We are clinking glasses, as you do. You're going to close it down. Ours would be the only musical performance.

Where in the program would it come? Did she specify? Peak. The peak. Three quarters deep. She talked about it and each of us kind of told her gently, no.

I'm going to lose my shit. I'm at a 10 out of 10 angry. Did she seem upset when you told her no? Disappointed. But I think that we get points for trying to come up with something. So we also ask. What? Hold on.

Go ahead, Emily. Emily, go ahead. In what world, Emily? Jake, you're not Connie. Jake is far deep in character as Connie right now. Honestly, Emily. He's got a shawl on somehow. I'm fighting tears.

Where are you going to get a shawl from? Because I'm not mad at you. Right. Well, are you sure? I'm just hurt. All right, Connie. Emily, what was the counter pitch that you and your sisters gave? Karaoke.

So I suggested karaoke. Right. And she did not like that idea. And then my older sister suggested that like, Oh, like what if we just like take a speech? And she, she was like,

okay, that's fine. But you can tell she's not excited about it. So I want to think of something. Okay. Okay. This is like the middle ground between. Yeah.

Between what she wants. Like a speech and something ridiculous. Like I got a GARF. You go first. like i got a pitch garth you go first no go ahead no you go okay well i okay what you did the the speech pitch actually could end up helping us because you have now set expectation very low you've gone from like a musical celebration to like what if we all spoke? And she didn't like that. So the bar is low. So maybe what you do is, without telling her you're going to do this, the three of you could get up there to start a speech. And then you could have a backing track.

And you don't have to sing it, but you can start playing the song. And you can get the name and email of every guest there and let them know at some point during the ceremony, everyone is going to have to sing We Are Family. So you three can sort of start it and then everyone will sort of support you throughout it and then you all

can sing it to them. And everyone can get up and it can be... Such a fun surprise for her too. I love that. I love that. My picture's going to be something similar where it was like you could stand up to make your speech but you like slowly bleed into the lyrics of the song. Oh, that's cool, too. And then you.

And then. That's a good start. The three of you can build to that. The three of you can start a speech that's a little regular and then start with the lyrics slow. And then the music comes up. You sing a little bit and then everybody joins in. Can I ask you a question, Emily? Yeah. Could you. Is this Connie or Jake we're talking to? What's the difference? You sing a little bit and then everybody joins in. Can I ask you a question, Emily? Yes.

Could you... This is Connie or Jake we're talking to. What's the difference? All right. Could you give us a little taste? Just get over the anxiety and the weirdness and give us a little taste of how you would sing We Are Family. Just push it.

Everybody can do it. nobody likes this feeling you have but once you start it's happening worst case scenario we're going to tease you who cares we tease each other all the time so we don't expect you to have the voice of an angel just go for it a little bit just so we can know what we're working with you know on three two one action we are family. I've got all my sisters with me. This is great. Yes! You're fine.

You gotta do this. Shoulder shimmies. Shoulder shimmies. This is what I would say. This is what I would say. Okay. I think the best version is what we kind of came up with, but just to put a finer point on it. A small little speech just to tee up the magic of this moment.

Yes. Then each of you takes part of the lyrics from the first verse. Yes, yes, yes. And your mother's going to kind of be like, huh, then the three of you together start with the we are family and then everybody joins in.

Oh, Emily, it would bring the house down. Oh, Emily G. So, Emily, what do you think about that idea? Because first of all, you sang, you were fun. We got it. I was pretending I was at the event. I'm charmed. I think Connie would love it.

What do you think about starting with a little speech where you tell your mom you don't feel comfortable, you'll do a speech. She's a little disappointed, but you say, sorry, we're just not doing it. Speech starts. It's pretty sweet i like mary's idea of a line starts getting muttered the early lyrics of it then one of you does the really hard transition whichever sister is the bravest and everyone can see that we're together and even as we walk on by emily yeah that's true. We sort of we kind of walk like birds of a feather. I won't tell no lie. All of the people

are right. And you gestured everybody to stand up. And then because also, Emily, and I know we just asked you what you think of it, and then we cut you off. But I do want to say... This is it. I do want to say also, you are going to, if the worry is about,

Oh, all eyes will be on us. All eyes will be on you anyway, when you're making speeches. And so, so this is like, and then you're, it's fun because it's communal.

It's like church. You're singing a hymn. Yes. So what do you think, Emily? Are you going to, would you consider selling your sisters on this idea to give your sweet mother the moment that she wants

and it's a sweet moment i've been trying to give to pam for a long time all right that's my mother mary okay go ahead emily what do you think emily go ahead i do like this idea very much you do and i don't think that it's that we all have like stage fright i think that maybe it would be awkward to stand there and sing the whole song yeah yeah yeah i hear you and it would be awkward to stand there and sing the whole song yeah yeah i hear you and it would be awkward to stand there and do it sincerely like it's a good version where people go like what the fuck am i watching these three sisters are giving you is the hollywood ending because it's we've set the seat we've planted the seeds and then here is a version that's a little bit this is moment. And you could also send it to everybody in the crowd besides your mom and dad and say,

when we get into it, please sing with us. My mother asked for us to do it, and we want to show her that we are all family, and we all love her and your dad. But we are all family to this group. And we're all sisters. Even the men. And I would do a secret email.

I would try to email everyone the lyrics so that people are prepared for this as well. I think that's really fun. Emily, do you think you're going to do it? I think I'm going to try really hard. You have a year. I'll probably have to get my dad in on it. Sure.

I don't know who all they're going to invite. But my mom loves surprises way more than my dad does. Perfect. This is it. This is it loves surprises way more than I do. Perfect. This is it. This is it. Play this for your dad and your sisters. So what do you think? Will you try to pitch your family and then get back to us?

And if you need more help, we're on your team. And if not, if you just got it, then just follow up with us. Okay. I will. This is going to work big. I love this idea. We're so excited, Emily. This is big.

This is a winner. All right. Thank you all so much. I really love this idea. This is going to work big. We're so excited, Emily. This is big. This is a winner. All right. Thank you all so much. I really love this idea. All right. And guess what, Emily? We can both admit now we were fighting at the beginning, but now we're close. What an arm.

What an arm. I was really nervous. Emily, we were at each other's throats. No, she was not. You were at her throat. But guess what? We got all of our emotions out, and now we're close. This is you. Yeah, I guess. All right. I'm exhausted. Emily, we're going to have to let you throat. But guess what? We got all of our emotions out and now we're close. This is you.

Yeah, I guess. Ugh. All right. I'm exhausted. Emily, we're going to have to let you go. I love you so much, honey. Let's talk really soon. All right, buddy.

All right. Thanks, Emily. Jake's a little lost in whatever happened. Thanks a lot. Bye, sweetheart. Love you, honey. Stop calling her sweetheart. Thank you.

Thanks, Emily. Bye, baby girl. Bye, my daughter. All right. Not your daughter. You're a man. All right. Go ahead.

You're not Connie. Thanks. We're Here to Help is hosted by jake johnson and gareth reynolds the show is produced and edited by kevin bartelt and the associate producer and editor is aj mckee our social media director is caitlin tanwakio and our video editor is john debruin the theme song is made by oliver raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver, R-A-L-L-I.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com.

And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.