We're Here to Help - 46: A Face for Animated Spider-Man with Stavros Halkias

Episode Date: January 22, 2024

Jake, Gareth, and special guest Stavros Halkias (Stavvy's World, Fat Rascal) talk to callers about hiding their RealDoll and updating your "how did we meet" story. Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] the video episodes of the podcast at Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodCheck out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com!If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPodAdvertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

and we're back we're back another episode with dude. Ah, the fat rascal himself. You know his Netflix special, Fat Rascal. And if you don't, watch it now. Hilarious. Stavro Halkias is our guest. So funny. You can watch his special, Fat Rascal, on Netflix. He's also got a podcast called Stavi's World.

Which you've done. Which I've done. Which is an advice show. But he takes emails and things like that. Or like voicemails. This dude, if you don't know him, he's so funny. He also did this unbelievably funny thing where he creates this character who's a Ravens fan. Oh, he's nuts.

And he's a huge Ravens fan. And he's just a killer, and he's so good on the show, and we appreciate having him. Yes. So I think you're going to enjoy this. Yep. Enjoy that. Watch your movie, Self Reliance. We're not going to stop beating that drum.

I think it's, yeah. No. No, watch it again. And see the Garf Man on tour. Enjoy that. Watch your movie, Self Reliance. We're not going to stop beating that drum. I think it's, yeah. No. No, watch it again. And see the Garf Man on tour. On tour. Just go to garethrownells.com. I'm going from Vegas to New Orleans. How long are you going to be on the road, Garf?

I'll be on the, I mean, for a while, over a month. Probably about six weeks with a few days home. And in the middle of it, at your lowest, what do you think the lowest is going to look like? Because you've said on this podcast you've eaten on toilet bowls. Chewed. I was chewing. What's the difference?

There's a difference. Did you spit it out? No. Did you swallow it? Well, it would be weirder. That's called eating. Okay. The lowest, the low point will be probably about three quarters of the way through when

there's a two show night. I'm tired. I'm sick of driving. My voice is hoarse and I've sort of caved on the diet. And at this point I go to the lobby at like 1230 at night and I don't have a problem letting them give me the judgy eyes while I get like three twixes. You know what I mean? And like a Fanta.

What else is there? Yeah. It's a nightmare. I shouldn't have to get healthy and get like baked chips. Fuck off. No, I'm not. No, there's's probably gonna be a baked chip phase yeah yeah for sure which will be what i'm lying to myself by about week two or something like that you're still hungry after yeah the low point will be that and then i'll wake up with like a chocolatey like nose

and be like who am i yeah what happened what's wrong yeah yeah and we uh ask you guys to do nothing thanks for listening watch Watch us on YouTube. Thanks to everyone who also sent us screenshots of them telling their friends. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good Kevin. So thank you guys for everything and without

further adieu. Enjoy the show. Not you, you asshole. Oh, you're the audience okay bye hello welcome to we're here to help uh you're on with uh jake johnson gareth reynolds and fat rascal stavros halkis how are you? I'm doing phenomenal. What about you guys?

Well, we'll change that. Can we get your name, roughly your age, where you're calling from, and then just jump in with what we can help you with today. Yeah, I'm Amber. I'm 30. I'm from Northeast Ohio. Nice. And I'm calling because last year I started in only fan okay a little little low on cash so okay

after about two months of doing that i made like three grand so i'm like okay maybe make an investment towards this wait you made three grand you made three grand in two months. So $1,500 a month? Okay. So I decided to find a niche of my own. Okay. Smart. Smart. So what I ended up coming up with was, you know, a real doll is a thing, but you never see women with a male doll. Ooh.

Interesting. You're not wrong on this, by the way. No. Okay. Okay. Okay. So I bought one. Now, quick question, Amber, before we go deeper, because these dolls, there's a lot of different kinds.

There's the cheap plastic blow-up kind that you throw in a pool and can kind of float on. And then there's those weird ones that look like kind of people and they cost a lot of money, and you have to, to like change their innards after you're finished. I like the idea that while Jake is being like, I'm fairly familiar behind him as a freshly used real dollar.

I'm not familiar with this market too much. Or my Elvis, my guy who works, all of a sudden you see it coming, I go, get the fuck out of here. Not now. You fucking rat, get in the corner. If I want Hannah, I'll say Hannah, not real doll. So what kind of doll are we talking, Amber?

Okay, so I didn't go full out, but it is realistic. Okay. We're talking. Yeah, it's got like body hair and all that. Body hair? Like, well, yeah. What kind of type of guy did you go for?

Well. You're going tall, short, you're going heavyset You're going skinny, you get to pick That's the issue, I wanted a tall guy I'm like 5'7 myself And he's 5'6 I can't even believe in the world of real dolls Women are shaming short men Golly man

Short sex dolls get less pussy I'm not interested What a world You're fucking sex dolls get less pussy? I'm not interested. What a world. You're fucking sex dolls. Sex dolls too short. You're already too short. Incredible, Amber. Wait, they don't have, when you do it,

you can't pick the dimensions? Yeah, you can. Charges. The issue with that is, it's so heavy. And I'm strong. Please tell me you got a fat one. I was hoping for 285. That'd be awesome.

One that can't be used on Sundays because I'm watching the game. It's a super real doll. One whose dick works sometimes, but it's not great because of his diet. You have to flip a coin. You press a button. It's like, hard or not hard? Sorry, babe, I got whiskey dick. You didn't get a real doll.

You got a husband from the Midwest. Okay, so you get a doll. It's 100 pounds. It's 5'6". Gotcha. Okay, so the fact that he's so heavy, he just kind of sits on my ab lounge sure in my basement so the issue with that is i have a seven-year-old

okay yes are you he's got questions whoa he knows about it okay let's hold on she can't move him well all right okay immediately i think i have an answer here please now the the hard dick might be an issue you got to get a suit of armor to drape over this guy you gotta have it like you gotta have it like medieval times yeah so that it just looks like you're really into like king arthur shit yeah you know like that's the perfect you know or like star wars or like you know what mean? Like, yeah, like put some kind of memorabilia on it. Now, the hard dick will be an issue. I'm not going to sugarcoat it.

We're not going to lie. That's a doctor. If you're a doctor right now, you're going like this. You have stage four cancer. I'm not going to lie. You're going to die. But here's what you can do. The doll is five, six hundred pounds with a rock hard dick i don't want

that around any kid i don't care if it's dressed up like han solo fuck off we gotta put this thing on wheels and get it out of it you can't have the kid go like mommy i was wrestling with the han solo and i got both like why does chewbacca have a human cock? It's never going to occur. So, Amber, you got, what do you call this thing on the fans only, on the OnlyFans? Do you got a name for this boy? Yeah. Unfortunately, I do. What's his man's name?

So, number one, the penis is removable, so I don't keep that on him. Oh, okay. Does it come in different sizes, or are you disappointed in that, too? I like to switch it up, you know. Sometimes it's slashed, and sometimes it's not. Sure, sure. Wow. So I actually have thought about dressing him up.

Yep. Maybe as, like, a military man or something. Sure. Yes. Support the troops. Amber, is that for you or for the boy to dress him up? You know, I've made him a cop.

He's arrested me. Oh yeah. This is about myself. So that's kind of what I told him because he asked me about it, you know, and I kind of did tell him it's like, Oh, it's like a statue type thing.

Yeah. I got some questions before we start, before we start pitching. I just got some backstory questions. What do you call it? What do you call in this five foot sixer guy? What's his name? What do you call him?

Oh, yeah. Curious. Yeah. Do you guys remember the Max Steel doll? No. Max Steel. No. Like a way cooler Ken doll.

OK. OK. So I call him Max. OK. Nice. OK. And so you. So I call him Max. Okay. Nice. So you wanted to fuck Max Steele as a child, basically. Boy, I'm looking at some pictures of Max Steele here, and this is quite a type.

Okay. Yeah. And so how's business been with Max? What was that? How's business been? You used to make $1,500 a month just by yourself, and then you got Max in the game. Has Max been worth the investment?

Yeah. Yeah. Didn't seem confident. That's not a ringing endorsement. Didn't seem confident. So you were doing pretty good, $1,500 a month. You're not mad at that in Northeast Ohio. You're going, hey, I just do this little side thing.

I'm showing a little bit of this. I'm doing a little bit of that. I'm making a little bit of money. I'm switching out the cocks. I'm having a little bit. No, this is pre-Max. This is pre-Max. Oh, right. And then you go,

I'm having fun. How much did you spend on this doll? I know I'm going down the side road, but I'm a business guy. I love numbers. No, this is good.

This is good. It matters to me. This is like kitchen night. This is like OnlyFans nightmares where it's like we go in, we look at your books. You know what I mean? That's exactly right.

This is OnlyFans rescue. You're John Taffer. Oh, my dream. Your max is disgusting. You never clean your max. You're John Taffer of my dreams. Your Max is disgusting. You never clean your Max. You got fruit flies swinging around this hot cock. And then you got some fucking yuck

dude in a cabbie hat touching its butthole and going, this thing has never been cleaned, John. It's never been cleaned. So what'd you pay for Max, Amber? A little under three grand. Okay. Three thousand dollars? These things are expensive.

Yeah, so that's two months of work. Has it spiked your sales? Have you gotten more money off of the Max infusion? See, that's the thing. Since I got them, I kind of just haven't been doing so much of it because I work full time. What's the point? I know. You've invested hold on

you can't just get a real doll for your kid i don't mean to colombo this one again gareth but something's not adding up so i gotta say it started with my fucking where's one more thing when you were talking the numbers, because a lot of these OnlyFans people are making big money. Yes. So if you're making $1,500 a month, you're talking less than 20 grand a year to be naked on the internet. So this is already, you're making a move. Then you buy a doll for $3,000, which as john tavern this is this is bad numbers yeah

two months terrible margins these are bad margins and then you stop doing it when you get the doll amber what's going on here did you just want to fuck the doll and did you just and that's okay if you wanted to fuck the doll but is that what we're dealing with here i mean maybe It's okay if you wanted to fuck the doll, but is that what we're dealing with here? I mean, maybe. You know, it's nice to meet a female dirtbag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Usually this is guys that are like this,

but it's like, I like, this makes me feel good. You create nine lies of bullshit just to go, no, I got the VR set because i'm interested in going on roller coaster rides honey i walked in the other day you were jerking off on the roller coaster so amber is this deep down you just started this little thing to see then you got a little bit like it is what it is and now i'm gonna buy this doll because i want it i'm a little disappointed in the size of it but it's heavy i would like to be the kind of person that fucks my toy then puts it away but i'm also lazy let's be honest i'm gonna fuck it when i want to fuck it which isn't all the time but i'm gonna go in

my basement three times a week and fuck the shit out of max i'll do whatever i want and i don't want my yeah but i don't want my son to come down there and see like a glistening sexton. With a freshly swapped out cock. I like the idea that you're probably up there with your son like, put away your trains. I'm going to fall on these while downstairs you're not putting your toys away. And so are we getting closer to the truth or farther away, Amber? You're the boss here. I mean, it's pretty accurate i think the fact that

he is so hard to move yeah it makes it harder to you know film content interesting right okay because all it is is you just getting on top of this thing and there's only a couple good angles of that and then you're done and you go i'm not doing it again where do you film the content uh with him in my basement which is glamorous so it's like i'm right i gotta think of something here amber i gotta pitch i gotta pick up here's my pitch and this is a way to do two things at once we gotta get you back into making content we gotta get you back making money you gotta pay for max right this can't just end up being you started a thing it went a little bit sideways you have a big sex yeah this can't be the unicycle of fucking yes let's make this work but unicycles

close to where i'm going garth okay okay i would put wheels on its back and it's and i'm gonna tell you why i'm gonna tell you why so part of the fun of you filming it maybe getting some lingerie and film you doing this to it, right? So that's its own king. Women doing construction. I'm sure you're going to pull some numbers on that, right? Women building.

Then once you got it on wheels, well, part of the fun, you could set up the camera and you could jump on it and fuck it while you're moving past camera. And so the game of it is partly movement, right? You can tie its arms to something and pull it up. You can do a little like, you know, pulley system. So you can play with the idea of moving Max, which could be fun. And you could, you know, potentially get some, a little bump in money. And then you can wheel his ass right where the laundry is or a closet. And that door can have a lock. Okay, okay. I like that pitch. I would pitch maybe you move somehow,

you get a trusty friend over there, and you move Max to your bedroom. You have your own space up there, right? Or somewhere? Yeah, definitely. Yeah, I would maybe try to find a way to do the Stavros pitch of like covering him up in something in your bed, like hiding it from the seven year old.

If you're like the basement is kind of dingy and gross, which I get, you know, you don't want to be like doing this around paint cans. So I think you could move him to your room. You make more of a show of it. And it just is lean into it. Make it an actual thing. I think you could just like Jake saying to separate yourself from other OnlyFans stuff, you could make it like Max is kind of the everyday Midwest guy

and you could be having arguments with him. You could infuse little, you know how when you watch porn, there's like 13 seconds of plot? You could do a little bit of that. You could kind of reinvent the stories and be like, and just kind of be like, you know what, Max? I'm a little sick of you forgetting my birthday. You know,

whatever it is, start with that. And then you bang the shit out of Max. So you're infusing a little bit of story into the real doll, uh, world that you're creating with him. But I think get them out of the basement, just like any man who's living in the basement,

get them out. What is that app that you call? And for like 30 bucks, it's called like rabbit hunter or something like that. You could get task rabbit, task rabbit. What what a great task rabbit this would be good content for an only fans too you gotta some some kid going like 20 bucks to move a hundred pound thing and then go what is this he's got a yeah no questions amber do you have a bedroom or a room or an office, something that you could keep your son out of in your house?

And then you just drape an American flag over him when you're done? What's the layout of your place? Is this possible? Or is the basement and the bedroom or an upstairs little office all the same? Is this kid going in every room? No, I try to keep him out of my room. You do? I don't think my fiance would like sharing

the bedroom with him jesus christ this is these these m9 chamelon i know they're hilarious what the fuck that's a turn that's a turn you've been fucking with us this whole time you knew what you were doing. You were just waiting to drop fiance on us. Let's get this motherfucker moving the doll. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. The fiance can move.

No, he's 5'3", 65 pounds. He's got no mouse bones. Boy, this doll's huge. Yeah, yeah. Look at the size of this guy. A three-inch dong. Whoa. Someone's packing. Amber amber what does the fiance feel about max uh at first he's like why the hell did you buy this and i told him he's like okay whatever

he just kind of i mean he's supportive but he's like so you're basic amber you're a dude you're we're talking to a dude right now the real call, how do I convince my fiance it's okay that I have a sex doll in the basement? And because you're a woman, you can create an OnlyFans and make $1,500. Because if a guy does this and he goes, You're absolutely right. He goes, hey, you know what I did is I started an OnlyFans. We go, how you doing for business? He would go, zero.

Nobody. But then what'd you do? I decided to up the ante. I got six sex dolls in my basement. But my fiance doesn't like it. I know what that call is. It's just lean into who you are. The only difference is you're female,

so you were able to scrape together $1,500. I think the advice here is still the same. I think to justify the purchase of this doll, you should really lean into the OnlyFans. If you're serious about doing it, otherwise you just bought a real doll, which is totally fine. But I think to push in the OnlyFans, Amber, where are you at? I mean, I wouldn't be opposed

to it. I took a little break there. I could probably get back into it. I feel like we're trying to push you into OnlyFans. But I gotta see if this is what is it. Did you fade on it because you weren't psyched about the numbers? You weren't psyched about doing it? Does the fiance have an opinion? Where is the OnlyFans. But I got to see if this is what is it. Did you fade on it because you weren't psyched about the numbers? You weren't psyched about doing it? Does the fiance have an opinion? Where is the OnlyFans gag?

Like, where are you at with it? Because I don't get why you got Max and then slowed down on content. I switched jobs. Oh, you just lost your... You started making a little bit more money. You lost the time to do it. Well, not only that, but like... There better not be a big reveal.

Wow, I really do sound like a guy i i sling tires all day long so coming home and moving him around well first of all amber you are the best you're fucking slinging tires fucking max if you tell me you're a chicago's bears fan we're gonna lock this thing up i think do you think of Justin Fields? With oil on your hands and go straight from tired to banging max, upload it and just make that your only fans.

Here's what I'm thinking. You were at a different point in your life, right? You had more time. You made, what it sounds like, it sounds like from the numbers that you made about $3,000 and then you bought, here's what happened. You bought yourself something you always wanted. You got a part-time job to buy a new toy,

and that's what this is, and stop OnlyFans. Fuck Max when you want to, and you're good. You have a new job. This is a financial thing, right? You literally did OnlyFans to afford this, and I think we're done here. I think it's like like fuck it when you want to put it in a closet when you have enough time when you feel like it fuck max but when you don't

like you know you earned yourself a fuck doll a fun little thing to have in your house it's funny it's weird and you wanted it let's be honest let's stop beating around the bush and that's that your life i agree i think just upload it when you're done. So here's going to be the turn then. What we've kind of said was I still like my wheels idea, but nobody else seems to. And I'm now understanding

it is a little bit weird to put wheels on a toy and then fuck. I mean, she worked with tires all day. It would be right. Amber, now I know you're a badass. I know you could really rig that thing up and make Max just like a weird robot. You could roll around and fuck.

I'm not going deeper on my perversion here. I'm not the caller. I'm going to drop this. The idea of getting your fiance to bring it to a bedroom is a no-go. You're strong. You're moving. I like the idea that you use this business to make a little bit of money. You bought a toy.

Great. But then that leads us back to the seven-year-old son. great. But then that leads us back to the seven-year-old son. And so I think in closing, where I'm kind of seeing this is going personally is we all feel as if you did this, if we were your therapist, we would say you did this because you wanted a sex toy and you deserve it. But maybe go online on Amazon and buy 10 different outfits, put them in a Santa outfit in December, put them in an Easter bunny outfit in April, put him in a Star Wars suit and tell your son, this isn't for you to play with. You go to certain people's houses in the 80s and they would have a dog butler by the door, or at least you saw it on TV.

You know what I'm talking about? Silver spoons or whatever it was, it would be like a dog butler by the door with a bow tie and that meant you were rich right so you just have that you have a weird thing downstairs that you dress up every few months it's a cop it's a whatever but that thing is not meant to be played with it's meant to just be in the background while you're a kid playing a video game in the basement and that's meant for you amber when you're done fucking throwing on tires like a fucking badass and your fiance is annoying you about the dishes or something else or you just want to watch the game and he's yapping in your ear about how was your day how was your day and you go my day was fucking exhausting i was throwing tires i don't want to talk about it

all i want to do is get these fucking nuts off then you go down in the basement you fuck the hell out of max amber because you deserve it and then put the santa outfit back on who cares amber where are you at are we all right are we close what are you feeling i kind of like the uh the seasonal outfits not a bad idea yeah yeah and listen and listen if you want to upload more content, we're not telling you to stop if that's what's in your heart. I just know that it's a lot of work and that it's like friends of mine that do it. It's like,

it's a kind of a part-time or full-time job. And the ones who make a ton of money, they're fucking working hard. It's crazy. And so if you want to do it, do it. And in fact, I think the seasonal outfits will actually help that if you do want to do it. And in fact, I think the seasonal outfits will actually help that

if you do want to do it. There's nothing like a costume that, you know, that I, again, I have friends who've made a lot of money showing titties on the internet and they say, you throw a little hat on. Now you're, it doesn't take much for guys to just jack off in a new way, you know? So the seasonal outfit will help if you want to do that. And here's the other thing.

If Matt seems like you really wanted to fuck Max here, and you wanted a doll. The window where your son is even going to buy that it's just this little statue, the clock is ticking. 18 months. You know what I mean? The clock is ticking.

He's going to have one friend come over with an older brother, and they're going to go down to the basement, and your son's going to go like, this is Santa, and sometimes Easter Bunny. It's going to go, that's and your son's going to go like this is Santa and sometimes Easter Bunny it's going to go, that's a sex toy for your parents. Hey, I got Santa's, look, I made Santa's dick hard. By finding this weird drawer.

No question. So enjoy it right now. This is Max's prime. You know? Get your money's worth. Get $3,000 worth of nuts off in the next 18 months and then there might be a freak from your only fans that you could sell this to used i was gonna say yeah that's the only way because i don't know the resale value on these things

you know because if you bought it for three grand i don't know a lot of people who are going like yeah can i get it for you you're not not going to negotiate. You're not going to go, hey, this thing's pretty beat up in the crotch and face area. I'll give you $600. And you go like, the back door hasn't been touched. And you go, I can see that, but the front and the face is destroyed. The back door is beautiful. That's true. You could sell it to a gay guy.

You're like, look. That's exactly right. You know what I mean? I'm going to give you a rock star deal. We are going to give you a deal. And that gay guy is going to go like this. Is he under 5'7"? It's a different market. I mean, I'm interested, but it's a little weird with all these wheels on the back, I guess.

Amber, thank you for the call. We appreciate it. Good luck out there. Thank you guys for your help. All right. See you later. Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science-backed language learning app that actually works,

which I find to be very important. Science-backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor. They come over, they're like asking for snacks. They're being annoying. They're or even waste hours on apps that don't really help. We're here to help. And Babbel is going to help you. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations. So, Jake, for instance, if you want to learn, rooted in real life situations. So, Jake, for instance,

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Because the problem with learning a new language is if you sound like you're from another country. Yes. If it can actually help with the accent yeah that's a big ass and applicable to situations you're going to find yourself in like when i think back to taking french it was just like so much it was like i'm never going to do that it's like how do you order food how do you get a drink how do you ask for directions but so babble's great now listen listen everybody should we bring him in right one quick pause should we bring in the close studies from yale this is interesting michigan state university and others prove that babble is better so one study found

that using babble for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college so if that's true which yale's no joke it's just putting schooling in a a different light yes you spend 15 hours let's say you didn't go to college and you always feel like well i don't know i didn't go to college 15 hours you just did a semester yeah that's wild yes that's a wild study so speaking of language should we bring in the closer or should i do it closer all right hold on let's get him kevin doors open oh you meant gill yeah i meant kevin what kevin was gonna do it no i thought we were talking about the closer the we were he parked in front of all our cars so might as well oh we can't leave well what's what's the problem go ahead uh so that old

jalopy is Gil's? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. No, keep it running. It's bad for something. A lot of smoke. I'm pausing a serious accent. Now listen, here's a special limited time deal for our listeners.

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Thank you for joining us. We're here to help. You are with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and our special guest today, Stavros Halkias. Hello, Stavros. Thank you for joining us.

Nice to be here. Stavros is the king of advice. He's the fat rascal from Netflix. So, yeah, you're probably a little more intimidated than you would normally be for this call. But get your bearings. Hang in the pocket. By the way, Stavros, what an amazing title of a... The best.

It's so funny. But calling him fat rascal. Even having Gareth right now going, but calling it Fat Rascal. Even having Gareth right now going, you got the Fat Rascal from Netflix. You got the Fat Rascal on the horn. What a win. Thank you. What a win.

Thank you, thank you. And I do want to say yes. Before we get into it, I do want to say yes. This is, you know, I have done advice a lot. In fact, you know, I just want, let's just get this out there. Gareth, February of of this year you come on stavi's world an advice show six months later what do i see what do i see oh gareth's gone

through his phone found his most famous friend and now he's got and now he's got my fucking show you know we're calling this you know he pitched me on this garfield's world garfield's world and you know he wants to be called the chubby rascal hey listen i'm just putting the facts out there and now let everybody analyze it as they may i'm just saying there's a very uncharitable reading of the last year. Here's what's the saddest part about that. I'm his most famous friend. Step it up, therapy. Step it up. This has turned on me so quickly. What I like is we talked off air

for about 10 minutes. That's because he knows how to podcast. We were throwing out, bro. We were friends. I was lulling you. I was lulling you into comfort you that's why you're the fat rascal besides why you got rascaled baby classic fat rascal you got right guys thank you so much for having me yeah you got it all right let's start listen to me you thief oh you fat rascal stole this i agree, though. He needs a live

action Spider-Man, not an animated Spider-Man. Yeah, let's go. Let's get somebody whose face has been in a blockbuster, not just his voice. Well, what we've always said is Jake has a face for animated Spider-Man. No, I've got a profile for it.

Front on, I can fake it. But in live action action i have to turn at some point yeah yeah that's the only spider-man who walks backwards that they're out of the room okay can we get uh your name uh your pseudonym acceptable age roughly and where you're calling from my name is heather all right heather i I'm Heather. Yep. And I am 34 and I am in Florida. Okay, great. And what can we do for you today, Heather? What's going on? Okay, we're gonna go on a little trip real quick, a little background. All right. So I was set up with this guy, Ryan. And we were set up through mutual friends. And we hit it off really well,

which obviously leads to drunk sex um so after the session we fall straight to sleep um eventually ryan gets out of the bed and when he does i feel just warm liquid running down my back and i you know operate and I touched the seat. The seats are also damp, like pretty, pretty. And then through the dark, I see this man stumbling to the corner of the room and he's in the three point dance, like, you know, held up against the wall. Sure. And I distinctly hear the sounds of running liquid coming from the corner of the room. And we're at our friend's. The friends that set us up were at their house. So we're in a room in someone else's home.

Right. So he's able to. Yeah. Yes. He's just as bad at her house or his. Well, I don't know. It's a neutral ground. There's something interesting about that.

Yeah, but a first hookup, a first hookup, even if it's at my house, I'm going to be like, I'm so sorry, Heather. Yes, we fucked. And then I diarrhea or pissed all over my home floor.

You're losing no matter what. It's better for Heather, though. You're losing. It's better for Heather, though, because she can now just be more of an... I mean, it's not great, honestly. She's not proud of the guy

but she's not going like i need to like call rug doctor yeah it's i would say yeah i would say it's a matt it's degrees of losing there's no winning agreed agreed yes but her house it it's even it's a next level problem yeah yeah yeah you're right being at a friend's house is the biggest loss because if it's her friend she has to go like you know that guy i fucked last night and she's like and he goes well not only was he only a medium talent but he fucking pissed all over your floor and then she goes heather who are you yes you gotta repaint yes all right so happens? So you wake up and this guy, Ryan. All right. Keep going. Oh, we take a turn. We take a turn. So, you know, I gather up my stuff. I get the fuck out of there. I'm like, this guy just pissed all over me. I'm out. I text my friend. Hey, girl, this guy pissed everywhere. I'm out. here's where it's her the next morning she called me and she was like hey so i just checked out the room um are you sure and i was like uh yeah like literally everywhere i heard it i felt it you know i saw him in the corner of the room she was like well i went in there and looked my husband and i

checked it out there's no scent of pee there's nothing wet there's nothing remotely damp like literally no evidence of piss anywhere and i'm like what the fuck and he's like so are you just like weirdly not interested in him and trying to get an easy way out like what's happening escape um and then it just became a cool movie um this guy's a hero so far frequently have night terrors and they're very real and they're not always terrifying like one time i found a basket of puppies in my room i thought so sometimes they're fun but this nightcare was um humiliating obviously so in my humiliation i'm like fuck this guy like i make him a bad guy like fuck this guy like i hate him like whatever hold on hold on heather so you had a dream that he pissed a vision got so worked up that you left without saying goodbye and he didn't and now you're kind of in the world of what do i do now

is he even real no he doesn't fast exist okay so fast forward last the last section fast forward seven months later have not talked to this guy in seven months we run into each other at a party and i you know i've had some drinks i'm feeling feisty and i'm like hey ryan and he just like nods like pulled shoulder he's like yeah i'm like this motherfucker. Like, you're not going to ignore me. And so last month. Yeah. Last month, we just celebrated our seven year wedding anniversary. What? So I'm married.

I'm married. This guy. This was years ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. OK. Oh, wow. OK.

So this is our this is our like, you know. That's your meet-cute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is our meet-cute. So I was riding in. He phantom pissed on my back. Yeah, yeah. That's how we met. Wait, so this really didn't happen because when I'm hearing this,

I'm like, you've been gaslit by your closest friends is what I'm thinking here. There's no way to dream piss, but you're saying you clearly dreamed piss. It's a wet dream. If this was're saying you clearly dreamed piss a wet dream this was yeah this was if this was eight years ago that makes a little more sense because like you know you're in your 20s everyone's dumb and young they're making shit up they're leaving because now it's like i'm check i'm making sure it's piss personally i think it's a 34 year old you have to do your piss diligence but as a 20 year old as a 22 year old maybe you're whatever that's a fair point well she's a very puppies she likes this is a very different story

if you're 35 years old yes hugely different it's a different story yes so heather just to get clear uh just because this was a wild setup yeah it feels like we called into your show a little bit yeah yeah yeah agreed and look i'm not the sharpest tool in the shed but i'm just trying to put together what happened so seven years ago you hooked up with a guy named ryan you fucked you had a dream that he pissed all over the bed you left without saying goodbye and continued to piss in a three-point stance by the way yeah yes he's down with his day he's just pissing on the corner you saw it and then in your dream you stood up and walked out but you did that in real life too oh yeah because you didn't say goodbye to this guy

yeah you got out of there so sometime at a certain point of driving home you woke up i'd imagine and it became real i was i was definitely awake yeah you're awake for the leave the leave happened you just basically dreamed all the urine yeah it turns out there's no piss you see this guy seven months later he cold shoulders you you for some insane reason give him attitude about that yeah you're like this guy this this this guy yeah we can are you kidding me we can go over that a little bit or move on, but that's a wild ass move. I can't wrap my head around it.

Wild move. You fucked him and left in the middle of the night because he fake peed and then you're mad at him. I told everyone that he pissed. Yeah. And then you're like, what is up this guy's ass? Wild. Wild.

You're clearly the villain. So, I mean, there's no, there's a world where you're the good guy. You're's no, you're the good guy. You're the villain going like I'm fat man. Yeah. But then, yeah, yeah,

no, I definitely realize I'm the villain. It's good. But then you court him and you marry him. Yes. She's like, by the way. And then the question is,

Oh, I've been cheating on him the last two years. How do I get out of it? No, the question is, I've been cheating on him for the last two years. How do I blame him? No, how do I blame my night terror? I thought it was an apparition. So Heather, what's the question after this wild setup? Where are we at? The question is, how can I frame this to people?

You know, you meet new people. How did you and your husband meet? I am tired of being like, oh, we were introduced to mutual friends because I mean, that's boring. And I don't want to be like, well, I thought he pissed on me and it's a whole wild ride because that's inappropriate in some circles. So I just need some guidance on like, what would be a nice, like happy medium? Or we can just totally go in a different direction and come up with like something cool and crazy. You guys got kids? Yes, we do.

Okay. How old are the kids? Are you sure? Or are they just like a shared vision? I mean, I don't know. Some days I wonder. We have a five-year-old and then I had a child before I met him. So he is 15.

15 and five. So now let me ask you this. Do any of your kids piss the bed? Is there some kind of karmic? They do not. Oh, interesting. That would have been. They don't, but they do have night cares very frequently.

So I know it's like a craziness that runs in the family. That's cool. And so you don't want to lean in. When you tell people and people go like, how'd you guys meet? What are you saying now? When I'm like gauging the audience, if it's somebody that can't handle the fun, I'm just like, oh, we just were introduced to mutual friends. Like, that's it.

And there's nothing beyond that. Which is true. I just stopped it. Yeah. But you want a spicier version. See, the problem is you've got a real all or nothing like introduced through friends is very boring you're right great but your actual one is like i mean it gives me a night terror like the idea that you would be like i dreamt he pissed on me

so i took off after a one-night stand and then i was a real weirdo to him at a party because i made him the villain in the story where i'm the joker. Yeah. But then I guess his life was going pretty bad at the time. So he gave me another shot, even though I didn't deserve it, given the circumstances. And here we are. But guys, Ryan did not call in Heather. Yeah, I know. So we are giving great advice to Ryan, and that is run, Ryan, run. But we are talking to, we are talking to Heather. And so Heather, when you're pitching,

this is the question is, because obviously your real story about what happened is fun for those who like the fun of it. But is it who, when you're talking to somebody at the school or somebody at work or somebody who's, you know, an older relative and you want a better story. Like definitely something wild and fun because somebody who's, you know, an older relative and you want a better

story? Like definitely something wild and fun because I don't, you know, I'm not a boring person. I obviously am a little bit psycho, but you know, I want something with some fun behind it. So it's not just the boring stuff. So Heather, here's a thought when you're telling people what's going on. I think we got to lean into the idea that you have night terrors. And I think the origin story has to be about a dream. It might not have to be about Ryan pissing everywhere after you fucked. I don't think it can be, yeah. I agree.

I think I like the idea that Ryan's a true psychopath, and we're going to find out later in like a news story how dark this gets. And so we're going to move away later in like a news story how dark this gets and so we're going to move away from ryan being a psychopath on this but that is an option so what do you think about telling people leading out with the fact that you have night terrors and part of the connection was via a night terror okay i mean still sounds like i'm in i'm into some weird shit if i'm like, Hey guys, I just met you. I have night terrors pretty frequently. Heather, you are, here's you want, if you want a full lie, here's the problem with the full lie.

You're just, you're going to paint yourself into further corners. Like, I think you do have to kind of try to find your sanitized version of this one. Otherwise it's like we met bungee jumping. Then it's like, well, where, you know, there's like, you're opening yourself up to more problems.

Here's one thing I think we can clean up right away. Yeah. Right. We, you have a, you have a branding issue with these night terrors. You call them vivid dreams. Okay.

Night. Okay. And by the way, I also don't think you know what night there's are. Cause you said you've dreamt of puppies. That's not a terror. You just do have vivid dreams, right? So you have just these really powerful dreams.

And I will say from a storytelling perspective, that's what kind of threw me for a loop because I'm ready for a fun piss story. And then all of a sudden it's a no, it's a dream. Now I'm hearing about somebody's dream, which is the most boring thing of all time. You've tricked me into listening about your dream. You know what I mean? You have rebranded. But by the way, great branding. Yes.

She got us here, but he's right. We need to rebrand to sell this story. I think you guys have better ideas than me because I'm saying we stick with piss. Yeah. That's a great option. Wetting the bed is so funny. Agreed. And then the fact that he's later exonerated because you've laid the groundwork.

Vivid Dream has to come up from the beginning, right? Yes. Because that, to me, that kind of, I was like, wait, what are we talking about? Dreams? I thought we were talking about piss. So you need people to, you need that to be kind of hanging out there. People know you have these vivid dreams. This is right.

And then you talk about how, oh, and by the way, talk up the way you met, right? Like, yeah, what happened is your friends set you up. You guys were in your twenties. You had a couple of Mike's hard lemonades. You both sucked each other off, right? Not exactly romantic.

Talk about how it's the most romantic day of your life. You know, I'm connecting with this guy and it was like, he's the only one in the room for me and you know we're kissing and the next thing you know I wake I we have this beautiful night of passion and I'm like wow this could really be something and then I'm woken up by this warm liquid on my in the bed and I'm like wait that's weird and then I see him get up and he's I hear this liquid and I freak out and I'm like, wait, that's weird. And then I see him get up and he's, I hear this liquid and I freak out and I'm like, oh my God, this night has been crazy. This beautiful moment has been ruined by an adult bedwetter. And then if you really want to listen, okay,

now if we're getting crazy, get crazy. You could, you could fucking bring in some doctor character that diagnoses you with weird dreams or something. You know what I mean? Like it's a Kaiser Sosa moment. I like the pitch. But Heather, here's what I'm 100% agreeing with him on.

Same. It's yours. You've set it up wrong. So not wrong in terms of it was fun to hear, but if you want to tell other people, it starts off, how'd you guys meet? If your first line is, well, for starters, I have very vivid dreams and I've always had them. Then he's totally right. You lean into the fun of it. So when you get to the piss, you are not confusing everybody. They're able to kind of laugh at you and then see that in months later, you guys rebuilt from that. I don't think this is a bad story for older people or like somebody at the school. That's a sweet story. Well, I think you've got the two versions. And I think what I think what Stavros is saying is right

is like, look, if you're just at like a PTA meeting, just be like we met through mutual friends. Be done with it. But the story you have really is amazing. I would say if you wanted to cut out anything, cut out if you want to cut out anything, cut out, if you want to cut out anything. Don't say the three-point stance. No. Okay. We lean into the three-point stance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a great visual.

So you just wake up and this guy's pissing. If you don't want to say you got pissed on, I think you can cut that detail out and you still keep the spine of the story. I think if you eliminate that part, right, that's kind of the weirdest part. Like if you're talking to people you don't know too well. But then I think if you eliminate that part, right, that's kind of the weirdest part. And like, if you're talking to people you don't know too well, but then I think when you buy it back with

the vivid dreams, good rebrand, right? I think you, you buy it back and then it is actually a fucking amazing story. But what do you think of this kind of pitch? And that is leading out when you start the story with the fact that you have vivid dreams so that when you say Ryan's in a three point stance, pissing in a corner, they're able to see Ryan that way and have a laugh as opposed to thinking this really happened and take away the idea that the piss was on your back and touching you. And leaning into what Savi said of it was really warm at the beginning. It was a great date. You really liked this guy. You knew from the beginning this is my person but then

you have a vivid dream that he's three-point stance pissing in a corner and you left without saying goodbye and he felt the same way he didn't understand why you left so when you guys saw each other you both had to get to the bottom of it you explained the story fell in love instantly you've been together ever since i love it beautiful where are you at heather that feels nice it feels nice it feels like a disney movie so it feels define define disney yeah he's piss charming are you gonna do it heather are you gonna do that yes you are yeah for sure yes i can't wait to meet new people. Much like a great rom-com, the one you wanted the whole time was right there in front of you. Now try to find a famous friend to be the lead of that. We got a movie, everybody. Thank you for the call. We appreciate you. Thanks, guys.

Good to talk to you. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. And the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio. And our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh. And you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions That was a hate gun podcast