We're Here to Help - 47: Knuckle Deep in my Mouth with Rachel Bilson & Olivia Allen

Episode Date: January 25, 2024

Jake, Gareth, and special guests Rachel Bilson & Olivia Allen talk to callers about dentist crushes and mermaids. Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] the video episodes of the podcast at Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodCheck out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com!If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPodAdvertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

and welcome to another beautiful episode of America's Number One Podcast. Don't look it up. We're here to help. We sure do, Jay. We got a fun one. Well, we did their podcast. Yes, the Broad Ideas Podcast. Yes, and while we were doing it, they said to us, you could use our studio, but you should

do video. And they said, how do you do it? And I said, we do it. This is Rachel Bilson. And Olivia Allen. And they said, how do you do it? And I said, we do it. This is Rachel Bilson. And Olivia Allen. And they said, how do you do it? We said, we do it over Zoom. And they said, well, you guys are good together.

You really should do it in person. They commented on how handsome. They were like, you're handsome guys. They did. You have model good. It's like hanging out with two James Deans. They said. Yeah, they did.

And we took their advice. And so we appreciate them a lot. Yes. So if you have not heard their show, start with our episode. Yeah, they say that's one of their favorite ones. So start there. Give their show a listen. But we're very lucky to have them on our show today.

We have one of the best solutions. It's really good. It's really good. We're very happy with this. We honestly rushed this episode out because we were like, this is so good. Let's just get it going. Yes. So yeah, give it a listen. We honestly rushed this episode out because we were like, this is so good. Let's just get it going. Yes. So yeah, give it a listen.

We appreciate it. I mean, maybe the last time we'll say it, Jake's movie, Self Reliance. Go check it out. I think we can be done saying this. This is the last one. Self Reliance. On Hulu right now.

And then it won't be the last time we say this. Garfman, where are you going to be? I'm going to be all over the place from Las Vegas to New Orleans. Go to garethreynolds.com. How do you spell that as Gail Buchanan? G-A-R-E-T-H-R-E-Y-N-O-L-D-S.com. You'll go to the tour dates, and that'll send you to Slash Events.

And if you're at his show, and it's wrapping up, and he's saying thank you, maybe yell from the audience, take out with gail buchanan whatever you want listen if you show up and i'm walking on stage you can yell whatever let's have every live garf show have a little bit of gilly buchanan gilly bean buchanan alice and i are not on the rocks we're stronger than ever what if you had you know before a stand-up comes out somebody does the like you know him from, what if Gil did your own intro? It's hard.

Is it? There's a timing thing, but we could try it. Oh, because somebody's on stage doing it? Whenever I go, like, in Australia, you have to back-announce yourself a lot. Meaning what? Meaning you have to go, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for your headlining comedian, Gareth Redd.

And you're like, that's me, pretty obviously. So that is a good tactic for there, no doubt. And then what happens in the States? Like, the MC will bring it up. I got you. So they do, like, an opener and they bring it up. I got you. Opener, yeah, exactly.

I got you. But either way, it would be a pleasure. It would be a pleasure. Thank you guys for listening to the show and telling your friends. And without further ado. Now we're ready? Yes. Okay, here we go.

Well, that was a weird start, Kevin. Well, yeah, we think something strange is probably happening on this call, but let's get into it. Whoever you are, we'll get to that in a minute. You're on We're Here to Help. Sorry, America's number one podcast. You're on with Jake Johnson. America's number two podcast.

He's joining us. Yes. We can give them number one. Oh, come on. All right. You're on America. You're on with a couple of great podcasts that are tied for America's number one. You're on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, Rachel Bilson, and Olivia Allen.

They're the hosts of the Broad Ideas podcast. So listen, not to put any pressure on your call, but this is really, this is a big one. And if you guys have not heard their podcast, you need to. It's a lot of fun. Jake and I were on it. We're on it. So start with ours over there and then listen to all the rest. But we're excited you guys are here.

It is the best one. I'm not just saying. Oh, is that right? We do recommend it. Really? Like, what should we listen to? So all of our We're Here to Help fans, go check out their podcast. Listen to the four of us chat.

We had so much fun. They told us you guys need to be in studio. That's right. We listened. Everyone needs to see your faces. We listened. Now here we are. And you guys came to ours, and we appreciate it.

We appreciate it. We appreciate you. We appreciate it. By the way, right before we started, they said they had a pitch for a movie idea for us. So let's hear the pitch again. No, go ahead, ladies. You see what I do there? I'm a rat.

You are a rat. I'm a rat. Yeah, Jake's, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was you committing to it. That's right. So the movie pitch is just simply something about we all swap in some hotel room.

We don't swap. No, there's no. It's just, it's just. You pick them out. Yeah, I'm not going to get into the details. It's too much. It is too much. It's too much. You guys will see about it on Deadline. That's just... It's just... Check them out. Yeah. I'm not going to get into the details. It's too much. It is too much. It's too much.

You guys will see about it on deadline. That's right. Yeah. Absolutely. I can't wait. Thank you. And by the way, Jake and I are already in. I don't know if we said that already.

We signed the deal. And Rachel and I saw each other on Halloween. We sure did. Randomly on the street. On the street. You were a cowgirl or a cowwoman. Oh, yeah. I had to throw...

Yes. I threw on a cowboy hat. Cowwoman is a great adjustment. And I think I... or a cowwoman. Oh, yeah. I had to throw. Yes, I threw on a cowwoman. That's a great adjustment. And I think. Hello, cowwoman. Well, I think I called you. You called me something. I called you something that you said, like, this isn't right.

You were like, you're a cow. Cow. She. I think I called you a girl cowboy. A girl. And you said, that's not how it's said. And then she said, what are you, a man in a garbage bag and then she said what are you a man in a garbage bag and you were you were a man in a garbage bag it's actually a trash guy it was a it was a last

second i realized that really a costume and that street that we partied on together is a big kid mania street yes and i thought my wife said you got to wear something and she goes maybe it's a cape and when i got there the first person I saw said, what are you, garbage? And it was a night of people saying, so you're just literally trash for Halloween? And I went like, I think there was another plan. But at this point, I'm just trash. I think my first thought was Silver Linings Playbook, which was a little bit of a step up from garbage. That's what I did.

Didn't they wear trash bags in that movie? Yeah, they did. But Jake, yeah, I think he did. Didn't he was he did at one point i'm a film guy he runs i don't watch those movies i'm a film guy i don't know these movies so laney let's go back to you can we get your age please yes i'm 25 25 where are you calling from laney i'm from michigan michigan what part do you mind telling us? It matters. Oh. It does. Big difference between north and south.

Absolutely. You said western Michigan? Western Michigan, right on the lake. Oh. Gorgeous. Beautiful. I grew up right on that same lake. Same here, Jake.

Don't try to think you're better than us. Keep going. He's so sensitive. All right, Lainey. Something happened. Nothing happened. We're just lake buddies. That's all I'm saying. We're lake buddies. Yeah, we're lake but yeah we're lake pals relax we're not we are our buddies god laney listen to

jake he just doesn't want to align himself with anyone he's got to be on an island all along that's why we call him mackinac uh laney what is the issue what's going on i moved away from from west michigan for about five years okay and when i came back i went back to my childhood dentist office um and i was just getting you know a normal a normal you know cleaning sure um but i also needed to be fitted for a night a night guard because i grind my teeth at night so they gotta got to put that putty in your mouth. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's what they do. They fill your mouth with putty. You bite down. I mean, and it's spilling out of your mouth on the sides. Yeah. Jake, are you a dentist? I mean, you're using all the technical terms.

Olivia and I are dentists. Yeah. We went to school for it, but we quit. We got in a podcast game together. Okay. So you've got this. So the dentist threw a bunch of putty in your mouth, and it was leaking all over your face. Okay, so you're getting fitted for your nightclub. Yep.

Important note, not the dentist. The assistant put it all over my face. Okay. And then they take it out, whatever. They're going to do the impression. They don't show you yourself, so I still have the putty all over my face and mouth. No, no. And then this is where the problem comes in.

In walks the dentist. Let's get right quickly. Let's give him a name. Let's give him a name. He's hot. He's hot. Olivia wants to know, was he hot? That's coming.

Okay. But yes, his name, we can call him john dr john dr john dirty john dirty just pitch can we call him please dirty may we of course we can call it dr dirty john okay of course well that's the name of the movie they pitched us actually it is so weird movie they pitched us actually it is so you're not far off you're not far off okay so hold on so laney we're back you uh went to your childhood dentist the assistant puts a bunch of putty in your mouth you're just not looking great a super hot dentist dr dirty john walks in and now you're back in charge yeah well i was expecting my old childhood dentist to walk in. So I'm not expecting anything. I look up into the beautiful light above me and there he is.

And I'm like, who are you? I don't know. I have the putty all over my mouth. We start chatting. He introduces himself. And he is extremely hot. I can't tell if he's wearing a ring because he's got the gloves on because he's about to be knuckles deep in my mouth.

And Kevin, we got a title. Okay, so he's about to be knuckles deep in your mouth. Yeah, I guess my question is, do you guys think i should go for it and if so what route should i take um and asking him out or hold on lady hold on lady hold on you're doing what i love but you're doing it too fast yeah i hate the middle age never has this problem laney everything about you i like so far but i will say god damn it we got to slow down a little bit right so my question is like how was he in your mouth nice great question oh that is a good very rachel bilson question yeah come on

exactly yeah so um how was how were his fingers in your mouth oh i mean the name says it all he's dr dirty john it was wonderful in my mouth that but hold on is that real because uh sometimes people are in your mouth or in your body you know in terms of medicine and there's nothing and sometimes it is something i don I don't know. Is that true? Have you had something? Have you had a something? Jake, Jake, what the hell? That went sideways. Jake, what is true? I'm getting nervous.

That went sideways. Jake, please, for everyone, because we all have a similar reaction. Which I didn't expect. And I know. And I can tell. I can tell. I really thought that was going to be a universal. Of course.

So what did you just say? I said that there are kevin yeah i think you need to slow down and tell us what you're talking about we're here to help sweet lady but wait but wait what did you just say what do you mean i said sometimes there are situations where you'll go to a procedure uh-huh and it is just what it is. And other times you go a little bit more fun. Interesting. So this makes me really uncomfortable because my husband's a doctor.

Oh, wow. Does Jake go to him? He better not. And I know you liked it. No. I did and so did he, bitch. I do get nervous about that. Keep checking.

There's something further up. And guess what? We had a wonderful 45 minutes. Remember when Jake came back after his appointment with Chipotle and asked if they wanted to eat together? Chipotle was like, what? But so my question to you, Lainey, is when the procedure started, was it by the book? Was it science?

Was it flirty? Was it fun? What happened? Well, that was pretty run of the mill. You know, he just checked me out inside my mouth and it was good everything was good there um but then after we did chat a little because my brothers own a dental lab where they make implants and you know fake teeth sure um it's a good start so then we kind of had a connection

over that and he's like oh yeah i know your brother is like your family's so fun blah blah like it seemed like it was going going good you know skeptical for some reason i don't know why but we just did a look like we were on the same page and i admitted to me i did but then i admitted in the middle i'm confused yeah i noticed yeah. Yeah. But I was like, mm-hmm. Well, because she was saying that they were talking about this stuff, and I was going, in my mind, okay, that's... Oh, like, good start? No. Oh.

Like, nothing. I was like, that sounds like typical dentist talk. Yes. Ooh. Really? Okay. I mean, I could imagine... Is there typical dentist talk?

There's some... I feel like there's a post-coital chat after every... I'm kind of with you, Olivia. It's not like what you were talking about. It's like, what's your favorite cocktail you have on the beach? You're talking about my brothers also do this for a living. Do what you do, and I know the company. And maybe we could hook up in business with you and them.

It wasn't like our pitch that we came in with this morning. Great pitch, but that's right. And so, Lainey, I'm with her. My head nod was premature, but now that I've caught up to it, I agree. So, there's nothing really flirty happening. You're just chatting dentist stuff. And he put his fingers in your

mouth, but for you it was fun for him. He's looking to see if you need a fucking retainer. I'll tell you what doesn't get a lot of people boners is being like, you do need a retainer. So, don't forget to put the night guard in because your teeth grind a lot okay am i already um am i already in the in the grave and asking him out because uh he knows i wear a night guard go ahead wait first of all i just need to say this right before we started olivia said don't worry i give great advice i really do yes and she's And she's leaning in. Her body has changed. Her positioning has changed.

She's ready. She's doing a lot of the, she's doing a lot of, I'm just like, let's stop. Without even saying it, just so you know, Lainey, her vibe is a lot of child, please. Am I out of line?

Child, please. Yes. Well, I think there's a lot more that needs to happen before you ask him out. One, did you look him up? Great question. Yeah, I looked him up.

What'd you find? I can't find him anywhere. Oh, not sus. On social media. Sus. Sus? Maybe he's got a lot of riz. Really?

He's obviously got a lot of riz. Jake's just forcing riz in where he can. I only know two, sus and riz. So you couldn't find him anywhere? No, I couldn't find him on any social. Okay, that's not bad. Okay. Have you prank called the office you ask that

like it's normal yeah i know i'm like what do you mean by prank call do you mean like call hi i'm calling for so-and-so's wife are they around oh he doesn't have a wife wow this is really good i think you've done this way too many times this is great that's how she got her husband yeah right wait lady have you have you called the office no okay yeah the issue with that is whenever i call like to do appointment can you i don't know can you still start 67 people whenever i call to do appointments they actually you're totally right delaney it's a cell phone era because they know it is a cell phone era number comes up i don't know can you call from a friend's phone i know you need to know if he's married before you ask him out i don't know can you call from a friend's phone i know you need to know if he's

married before you ask him out i don't know if that's true i know i know i think it's true he needs to know if he's married before he says yes he does you're right if you're just the you're just the person interested that's not your job to do all that homework in my opinion is there only been one encounter just that one in the mouth the head there's been two appointments The way she says things is odd I like it Just one real quick Is it or is it just straight to the point? Wham bam dental exam

It's different There's been two exchanges between you guys Yeah What happened on the next one? The second one I could tell he didn't recognize me at first but then his face kind of lit up a little and he did he did recognize did or yeah he's like it took him a beat and then he lit up yeah yeah he didn't at first and then he was like oh how are you like oh i just

saw your brother downtown and i wanted to say hi to him but i didn't know if it'd be weird you know what and i was like oh Here's what you've got. I don't know. What? You've got a great advantage that maybe we're not taking full, we're not using yet, which your brother. Your brother. Yeah. Your brother had it. I already asked them. They said no.

What do you mean? They said no to what? I'm getting in the middle of this thing. They're trying to sell equipment to him. They don't want to hook up their little sister. Yeah, but you can easily be like, oh, this one's great. By the way, it's a lot of stuff. Can your wife help you bring some of it into the house? Right. All we want to know is if he has a wife.

Yes. And I don't think that's all we want to know. I want to know how she is with rejection. Lainey? Yeah. Lainey, how are you with rejection? Yeah. I mean, I can take it.

Okay. But I'm not scared of the rejection. I'm scared of the dentist appointments in the future being awkward. But there's other dentists. You know how dentistry is. You got a good dentist. You got to hang on to it. Jake, you know how it is.

You know dentistry. You know dentistry. I like everything about you, Lainey. Jake, you never tried to bang your dentist and come back for a cavity? Jesus Christ. Lainey, have you ever taken laughing gas? No, she had something here.

I know where she's going. It's really a great time. I don't know if you guys have ever had it, but I have to get it to get any work done. I've done it outside of the dentist's office many times. Me too. Hold on, Olivia. to get it i've got any work side of the dentist's office many times yes yes in high school out of a balloon hold on hold on olivia so one of the last times i got work done i got the laughing gas and

i told the dentist like i really like coming here like can i come here even when my work is done and he kind of giggled and he was like, it's working to his assistant. Like basically she's under the spell. Oh, I hear what you're saying. So my dear Lainey. Yeah, use the gas. I get really, really nervous. I need something to take the edge off if I get any work done.

And then once it kicks in. You have a planned little monologue about, I don't even know what I'm saying. I don't even know what I'm saying. I can't trust myself right now. I've had a crush on you since the first moment I saw you i want to go out with you then you can blame it on the gas yeah start spitting things out that are like i know it could go sideways you're all i think about yeah but hold on yeah you said before you give it good advice i called you out and you

just gave good advice thank you because right now I still think we're in this setup. But Lainey, I think that's a real home run. Because if you go in there and you're high, right? Yeah. And you go. Anything's excusable. Yes. And you go like this.

Oh, my God. And you're keeping your fucking head on straight as hard as you can. And you go, I when I walked in, I was expecting this old guy from my childhood. You're so fucking hot. The nurse will laugh and you'll go. And I'm so fucking single and I would love to go out with you and he goes it's working and you go yeah it's working i'm being honest and then he goes well i'm not sure my wife would appreciate this then you could say afterwards i'm so embarrassed and he'll go you were on laughing gas now you guys will have a sweet thing, but it's not weird. You do that sober, it's different. We might be onto something here.

Or just go to your dentist completely fucked up. No. Without even going down the road of show up drunk. Show up with a Bloody Mary. Where's Dr. Hot? Because the beauty of that is if it goes... Put me in the fuck chair,? Well, because the beauty of that is if it goes...

Put me in the fuck chair, Dr. Hot. Because the beauty of that is if it goes sideways, he goes, she came in blackout drunk and sexually harassed me. That's right. It's hilarious. No. We don't want that. So hold on.

All right. Now you're being that dentist, Jake. Okay. Hold on. The second appointment, we have not gotten the details of what happened. Oh, yeah. The first one, he's cute. He puts his fingers in your mouth.

You like it. Oh, the second appointment was that he saw your brother but didn't say anything. But he lit up when he saw her. Lit up. And then what happened? His face did do a little light up. He said he saw my brother and he should have asked him to have a beer when they were downtown. Yeah, so he's making the move.

Or he likes guys. Either way, your brother or him are getting banged like a cavity. Go, Jay. No, but he's saying that so that you could be at that beer, right? Why would you say that?

Wait, wait, wait. Then he said what? So he said, I should have asked your brother for a beer, wait, wait. Then he said what? So he said, I should have asked your brother for a beer, right? Yeah. Then he said what? And then he said that, he's like, yeah, it seems like you have a really, really fun family. Oh, see, there's something here. I don't know if that meant anything. I think.

I don't know. I know. I'm feeling vibes. I'm feeling vibes too. How old is he? 68. Yeah. This is.

It is the childhood dentist. It turns out it is. And at this point, we we're gonna say all right laney awesome we never asked what dr dirty john look like it's probably early 30s yeah okay okay there's a chance i mean if you go to the college in the in the dental school and stuff like mathematically you gotta be early 30s yeah i agree you're not gonna have an 18 year old dentist unless it's a prodigy also though can't you just like ask the assistant my dream honestly this isn't a joke is to find because i don't have a great doctor yeah i'm looking for a doogie howser i'm looking you You want a teenager? I want a fucking 17-year-old prodigy who goes like, you know, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- genius. I probably won't be in medicine in 10 years. I'm giving you 10 years of my life, man. Let's figure this out. You have a point. It's a dream. Everyone has a dream. My intuition's telling me for some reason he's taken. He's taken. But here's what I would want to know.

I mean, he's a hot dentist. You probably miss every shot you don't take. Yeah, you got to take the shot. But can you ask the assistant and say, gosh, he really reminds me of someone. Is he married to? Oh, you know, that's good. But hold on. That is good. Once again. But here's my question to you, Olivia.

Yes. Why are we asking so many questions about this guy's life? All we want to do is ask him out. Yeah, but. So you're saying just go and be like, are you married? Oh, want to do is ask him out yeah but so you're saying just go and be like are you married oh i would say i would you want you want to know the real reason because i'm serious i think i'm a little protective because i have a really hot husband who's a doctor and i guarantee you on the daily he walks in with his blue eyes and his gloves and people are i don't i would not want women

asking him out really i would want them no i'd want them to have respect you'd want him to say i'm taking yeah but i'd like to avoid it like i don't know it feels like woman code in a way like if that's if he has a wife like I don't find that really respectful. But I don't know. I don't want to be a home wrecker. That's another part. We're not talking about ruining a home. He would be ruining the fucking home.

I might be a bit protected, but I'd rather know if I'm going to ask someone out that they're at least available. So Olivia says do a lot of homework before the test. No, she disagrees. I know. I'm just taking it all in yeah you know i would say if you find this guy attractive and you know where he works that sounds threatening is that a threat no and may is a long time for a fucking hot dentist

as olivia knows you got to get your teeth into this guy right away because there's a lot of people grabbing at him so you you can wait until May. But guess what might happen in March? Dirty John might fall in love. And guess what? He might be right now available inside and look at someone's mouth right now. He's in some woman's mouth and she's going like, oh, this doesn't feel terrible. Do I need to retain?

terrible and do i need to retain it so what i would say to you is you're not gonna score unless you fucking shoot the ball right and so get your ass there and ask his ass out or just find out if he's married it's not necessarily asking him out no but what her point was like don't you know how she googled i like oh they said prank call the office but she also said she could be like, does he go here? I thought I saw him with his wife the other day. Who is this mythical person she's talking to? He was mistaken identity. The receptionist. Hi, welcome to blah, blah, blah dentistry.

Hi, this is Laney. I have an appointment in May. Did I see the dentist with his wife at a racquetball court? In January? I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. I will call him right now. Oh, shit. I will call the office right now.

Stop for a second, Lainey. Lainey, do you feel comfortable with Olivia calling? We will beep out the name of the place. Yeah. But can you give us the name of the dentist's office? Yeah, let me. This is great. And then, Kevin, how do we do this? Do you just want me to give you the name of the dentist's office um yeah let me this is great and then kevin how do we do this so we need to send people like you to wash laney here's what's gonna happen here's what we're

pitching to you you're gonna give us the name olivia is going to call in as somebody else not you and her goal is going to be to try to find out if the dentist is married. How she's going to do that, we're going to see. We don't know. She doesn't even know, I think. None of this will come back to you. There'll be no link to you, and we will beep out the name. Except when the whole office listens to this podcast. Which could be helpful.

Well, it's tied for two. You see, Rachel, honey, you're not supposed to say that. We're in the sales job. We're selling this woman. They'll play it at their wedding. They'll play it at their wedding. Now, lady, is this something you're comfortable with? Yeah.

Do you want me to just give you the number? Yes, we do. So how do we do it? Say the number. I'll call it and then put it on speakerphone and hand it over. And then just hold it near the mic. Okay. Okay.

Okay. How can I help you? Hi, this is Sandra and I am calling to organize a thank you delivery for and his wife. What is her first name? Uh, I am not sure I'm new here. So let me just put you on a brief hold. Okay. Okay, thank you so much. Her name is... Okay, thank you so much. And that's how it's done. Oh, my God! I'm impressed.

That was fucking great. I'm floored. Olivia, how do you feel? I'm floored right now. I feel good. You must feel good for it. I do. I feel really good.

That's like you just pulled off something major. I knew it. I do. I feel really good. You just pulled off something major. I knew it in my intuition. Holy shit. Now let's come up with ways where she can still ask him out. Lainey. Is that right? Lainey.

Thank you for the call. Now you can keep going to the dentist. This is a game changing moment he saved me yes she saved you she taught us all she humbled me yes very humbled your early versions of how you're gonna do this you have far transcended yes i am nervous around you yeah i'm impressed i know i 30 years and i'm that i don't even know you was yeah that was great that was that was master class that's riz that's right thank you for the call lady Thanks, lady. Thanks, lady. Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake.

Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science-backed language learning app that actually works, which I find to be very important. Science-backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor. They come over, they're like asking for snacks, they're being annoying, or even waste hours on apps that don't really help. We're here to help, and Babbel is going to help you. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations. So, Jake, for instance, if you want to learn, I started relearning French through Babbel a little bit. Yes, because I used to know French, but then I don't know French, but it's still there.

You know what I like about it is that it's got a speech recognition technology. Yep. Because the problem with learning a new language is if you sound like you're from another country. Yes. If it can actually help with the accent yes that's a big ass and applicable to situations you're going to find yourself in like when i think back to taking french it was just like so much it was like i'm never going to do that like how do you order food how do you get a drink how do you ask for directions but so babble's great now listen listen everybody should

we bring him in right one quick pause should we. Should we bring in the closer? Studies from Yale, this is interesting, Michigan State University and others, prove that Babbel is better. So one study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college. So if that's true, which Yale's no joke, it's just putting schooling in a different light. If you spend 15 hours, let's say you didn't go to college, and you always feel like, well, I don't know. I didn't go to college. 15 hours, you just did a semester. Yeah.

That's wild. Yes. That's a wild study. Speaking of language, should we bring in the closer, or should I do it? Closer. All right, hold on. Let's get him.

Kevin? Door's open. Oh, you meant Gil. I meant Kevin. What? bring in the closer or should i do it closer all right hold on let's get him kevin doors open oh you meant gill yeah i meant kevin what kevin was gonna do it no i thought we were talking about the closer they we were he parked in front of all our cars so might as well we can't leave well what's the problem go ahead so that old jalopy is gills? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. No, keep it running. It's bad for something. A lot of smoke.

I'm pausing a serious accent. Now listen, here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners. This isn't for people who don't listen, like Laura from one of the calls earlier. These are standalone? At Babbel.com slash HTH. Jake, let me finish. Get 55% off Babble.com slash hth jake let me finish get 55 off babble.com slash hth spelled b-a-b-b-e-l.com slash hth we're gonna want you to babble we want you to babble i'll tell you what i don't want to babble your ear off i gotta go back to the jalopy rules and restrictions this episode is brought to you by ZocDoc ZocDoc is a free app and website

where you can search and compare highly rated in network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Garth, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because, as you know, my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement and it was crazy. It was a crazy situation. And there were so many times, so many things like complications were popping up. And there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly, somewhere close. You use ZocDoc. Yeah close. You use ZocDoc.

Yeah. You would use ZocDoc. Because it's just so much harder if you're just like, you know, like using search engines to try to find someone and then you call, do they take your insurance? Yeah, but the problem also- ZocDoc has filters for all that. The problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up. Yes.

And what I like, I actually use Z zocdoc since we started doing it i do like that it keeps it really clean and you can put all your information in yeah did you use zocdoc for your knee i did use zocdoc for my knee which i am going to get an mri on but we don't think it's a tear that's the good news but i am going to get an mri oh the doctor report back it's just an old man's knee it's actually pretty much what it sounded like. That's what a doctor said to me about my hips. I'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like, yeah, you're just the... He goes, I've had a doctor who looked

at my body and then went like this. Well, you're mid-40s, yeah? Ugh, what a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on ZocDoc, but again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you, treat basically, and again, you can get an appointment quickly. You can also get it same day. It really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you. Treat basically. And again, you can get an appointment quickly.

You can also get it same day. That's absolutely right, Jake, if you're lucky. That's right. Gil Buchanan, ones and twos, 68 balmy. Don't worry about it. That's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother.

You never, literally never left. Wherever the best time in the world. Go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Did you hear? How much does that cost you? Free! Free! That's right! And then find and book a top rated doctor today.

That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H. ZocDoc dot com slash H-T-H! Hi! Hi there! how's it going oh good how are you oh great i hope you're excited we got a banger for you you're buckled in i'm super excited i guess so so are we but it's not just jake and i today okay you also have from the broad ideas podcast you, you have Olivia Allen and Rachel Bilson. So we are guaranteed to solve this. Yeah, it's a big deal. So don't be nervous. Keep your problem where it was at. OK, but what is your name?

OK, age, roughly where you're calling from, and then we'll get into it. OK, my name is Maggie. Hi, Maggie. I'm 35 and I'm calling from Dayton, Ohio. Oh, it's cold right now. I just want to say I'm a big fan of the podcast and also a fan of Nick Miller and Brian the Security Guard. We appreciate you.

I don't know if you guys, I don't know if you've finished New Girl, but season eight, Brian the Security Guard kind of becomes a bit of a player. That's my character. The whole show. Paul Blart. Well, like better than a Paul. He doesn't like to get Paul Blarted. That's not exactly the zone, right?

He was a co-star and the show only went seven seasons. Maggie, you know, keep going. Alright, Maggie. Dating funny buns to their bunch. Alright, Maggie, we're all having fun. Jake decided that some of the characters on New Girl aren't as important as the others. What's going on? So, I am a mom of two young kids.

Congrats. My daughter is three and a half. She's my oldest. Okay. So, my daughter is a big fan of she's a big fan of mermaids but you know it didn't occur to me i thought it was a cute interest at first but she actually thinks mermaids are real and this came up we were talking about and she asked where mermaids live how do we like go see mermaids and I mentioned to her that they weren't, they weren't actually real. Now she didn't believe me.

And my husband, Kevin thinks that we should just let her keep believing in mermaids. And I talked to some of our friends and they agree with him that we should just let her keep believing. We're talking about a three and a half year old. Just to be, just to be clear, we're not talking about like a 25 year old kid from your first marriage. I think we know Jake's's take uh three and a half years old yes okay okay so keep going so so some people are

like let her believe but you have a conviction that she should know the truth about the he's like and you're like nothing's real i want to see easter bunny well it's fucking a lot everybody dies everybody dies including me you love me so much. I won't be here forever. I'm deteriorating. And guess what, little girl? Same with you. You love your little brother. He's dead, too. Three and a half. You want to talk about mermaids? Let me tell you about what's happening in the Middle East. Yeah. Yeah. OK, keep going, Maggie. OK, so, you know, something, you know, she could sort of, you know, believe. And actually, after talking with friends, I was like,

okay, maybe everyone's right. Cause it seemed like everyone, you know, thought that, that I was wrong to tell her. Oh, understood.

I get it. So you're the only person who believes, let's just be more honest with our kids. Is that correct? And your world is saying, well, I guess I had never thought about this whole, the mermaid talk before.

Like when, when did this occur? Maggie, what's your stance on Santa? Do you tell her that a man comes down your chimney? We do. And we do the whole Santa thing. We plan on doing that for at least several years. Sure.

And what's your stance on, like, tooth fairies? How are we living on tooth fairies? This happened last night. I'd like to share. One second, Maggie. Go ahead. I was just going to say this. Olivia Allen brought ideas. Keep going. This this happened last night i'd like to share one second maggie go ahead i was just gonna say this olivia allen brought ideas keep going this just happened last night or this morning my son lost his tooth and he said to me this morning mom are you the tooth fairy and i

he's eight i don't like lying to him we do the whole santa thing but instead of saying um no i'm not the tooth fairy there is no such thing as the tooth fairy i said oh my gosh i wish that would be so cool i wish i was the tooth fairy you know and so then he was like great answer this is the direction i went into and you teased me about remember this was the move i do i do the same thing yeah yeah no yeah i liked it what's wrong with that well because i do my kids are my kids. Yeah, and they still believe. Well, no, they'll go, everybody at school has told us there's no Santa. And they cornered my wife and she admitted it.

Oh, no. And so they go, we want you to admit it. And I go, I wish I could say that. Exactly. I don't know. I go, she go, they'll go, we know what you're doing. I'll go, I don't even know what I'm doing. Right.

Am I positive that there's a Santa? No. Am I positive there's not? Right. No. Right. Rachel, where do you stand on this? On lying?

Yeah. To my child? Well, yeah. I do it daily. I stand firm. Oh, you mean about Santa? I don't care. Shit.

I told him the truth on that years ago. Yeah. And I was like, and you're going to die. Just like you said. So here's kind of where the issue of that years ago. Yeah, and I was like, and you're going to die. Just like you said. So here's kind of where the issue of this mermaid thing. Okay. Because I was all set to let her keep believing in mermaids. Because I even asked her, you know, I found out she didn't believe me.

Because I asked her, do you think mermaids are real? And she says, yes. And then she goes, I don't think fish are real. Oh, wow. I like your kid. I like your kid. That's a fun turn. reel. I like your kid. I like your kid. We read this book at the library about this girl

who doesn't know she's a mermaid until she goes swimming and her legs get stuck together and eventually turn into a tail. And so we are getting ready to take a family trip to Florida. And a few days ago, she said that she was worried that when she goes swimming her legs are

going to get stuck together yeah so this is we're kind of like the mermaid issue comes in so that's all ready to have her believe but now you know she's three so it's hard to tell what's really going on in her head she's three she said it seemed like she was worried about it well I'll tell you what when you get to, the problem is going to solve itself. So we know Florida is going to answer a lot of these questions. But the one you're in right now, Maggie, is should you continue this belief that mermaids are real

or should you go with your conviction apart from what the people in your life say and tell her here's the truth my little daughter mermaids are bullshit how do you know the truth I'm with you I really am I am too have we been to the

bottom of the ocean yeah here we go there could be I've never seen one yes no true we've never seen one but Maggie you can say that I've never seen i've never seen a sasquatch but steve berg started his podcast high strangeness uh maggie is that the kind of root of the question what do i do now i'm trying to figure out what we could specifically help you with because this doesn't seem like it's a picture. Right? Your question seems to be more, do I continue the lie or do I end the lie?

Or am I phrasing that wrong? Right. Yeah. Like, do I continue, you know, letting her believe mermaids are real and kind of worrying about things like her legs being stuck together? Well. Or should I tell her they're not real? All I would do is I would prep her for the reality that if she goes to Florida, her legs might not stick together.

And that doesn't necessarily mean anything. But don't be freaked out. We'll have a good trip either way. And then, yeah, I don't think you have to rip off the mermaid band-aid just yet. No. Rachel, where are you at? I mean, I think three people on this podcast believe in the existence of mermaids, to be quite honest with you. I still think I am one.

I choose to believe. I choose to believe. That's why i won't go to the ocean she's so young and i think it's part of the beauty of a young child is like this these beliefs and magic and whatnot and i would fully support that because guess what there comes a time where they don't believe in shit anymore and it's really depressing and i think you want to hold on to that a little bit and I wouldn't worry so much about like lying because you're not lying. You're supporting a child's imagination. Yes, you're enabling fantasy, which is fine. And fantasy is important.

Rachel finished. So is that where your kind of is? I think you support it. And if she's worried about her legs, you know, it's like, well, it never happened to me. And let's see what happens. But let's see what happens. And if they turn turn into mermaid legs we'll deal with it then and you buy her that mermaid fucking tail thing they can wear 100 and she can pretend to be a mermaid and live out her dream i like that a lot and you're supporting her the love of her

i think that's a really good idea too i think like it may probably not three and a half because they're still learning how to swim we don't need to houdini the legs just yet but yeah not yeah not yet they have towels yeah yeah my kids had those mermaids yeah yeah but eventually you get a mermaid tail but they're fine but it's a different it's a different thing than the question because the question is and i like where you're going with that rachel and that is do i continue the lie or not right so the reality is in florida she's not going to turn into a fucking mermaid and then you're going to deal with it then olivia what's your kind of take what's your gut feeling i mean listen my son's gonna be five next month and i have to refer to him as bumblebee from

transformers and every time i do that i'm not like hey bumblebee's not real yeah i'm like yeah you're bumblebee you know it's you're just you're supporting their creativity and their freedom and i would just give her as much permission to play in that as possible yes and have fun with it so maggie question to you here yeah because this seems pretty straightforward uh what's your hesitation here kid you got a three and a half year old baby why are you trying to squash this i'm a little lost yeah i guess i i think you know i'm starting to agree that to let her believe that mermaids are real i just the flip side of this is sometimes it's hard to tell if she's worried about turning

into a mermaid or she if she really wants to so I also don't want her to be disappointed if she wants to get her mermaid podcast. Jump in. Kids are energetically connected to our fears. And I think that if you continue to worry. That's the smartest thing that's ever been said on this show. If you continue to worry. I'm going to pitch dress up like a mermaid and tackle her. And I'm going to go, it's actually not bad. Why don't you leave some salmon scales on the ground and say one visited you. So what you want to do is

you want to eat 15 pounds of tuna. Yeah, there you go. More is caught than taught. Our children catch more of what we do than what we teach them. And the more you worry about this being a thing, the more she'll worry about having a tail or not having a tail. So really the most important part is you handling your relationship to it.

And then really quickly for our audience, Gareth, can you explain what that means, more is taught than caught? It's great. What Alina's pitching here, and I like it, is when you're in Florida, go on a fishing journey and hire someone to get caught in the net because what's caught is taught. And then when you have a mermaid in the net,

you bring it on the boat, you whack it over the head, and you say, you did this, you did this. And then you throw it back in. That could be a buzzer. That could be an ant. Taught, yeah, make sure the net is caught. That could be somebody. Because otherwise, that little mermaid's going to try to get out.

And look, down in Florida, you can go to a lot of different clubs and hire a lady to do that. And then later that night, order Mahi Mahi for the table and let your daughter know you're eating mermaid. But, or order a bunch of fish and say, mermaids don't use forks and knives. Eat what you're facing, little mermaid. Or just let her listen to this episode of the podcast.

Or order fish and be like, you are a mermaid. You're practicing cannibalism. And then when she says, I want grilled cheese, you go like this. Mermaids don't eat that. You know what you can do? Pretend she's a mermaid, but say mermaids need to have like little gummy vitamins. Yes. And broccoli.

And then go, here's the thing. Little mermaids can't eat gummy bears. Right. Until she goes, well, I don't want to be a mermaid. And you go like this. So are you officially not a mermaid? Officially. If you want grilled cheese, you can't be a mermaid and she'll

go i'm not a mermaid you go thank god then let's go get some fries so you can do that or you can do uh olivia's advice i think you have two great routes here so maggie what do you think you're gonna do here that's a tough one so i i think i'm gonna go with just kind of going with the flow letting her believe in mermaids. You know, just seeing when we get to Florida, seeing kind of where it goes. You know, not trying to correct her. Sorry, just so we're clear, you are hiring

the mermaid actress here? No, she said it's a tough one. She's not sure yet. I wrote all that down. Hire a mermaid. And by the way, if you get there and she's like, where are the mermaids? Blame it on DeSantis. He's outlawing so much stuff. He got rid of mermaids like two years ago. That's true. And so Maggie.

They offended him. He got rid of them. In closing, you're going to take this one day by day and see what happens in Florida. That's the end of it? Yes. Wait, I don't understand what's tough. Can Olivia call you with a problem about your problem? Is that possible?

Olivia, in closing, what do you say here? I say, well, because you guys pitched a really extravagant plan. And then you said, what are you going to do? I gave her really clear marching orders to look at her own fears and worries and then model that for her child. And she said, I don't know what to tell her. Well, that's because she's one of our listeners listen to broad ideas we can help you everybody also listen to broad ideas and then come back

here but this is for sure maggie one of ours yeah but it sounds like maggie you're leaning in the olivia direction but she doesn't know because guess what the other let me yeah i just want to be clear i'm'm I'm good at this. Let go with the flow. Let her keep believing in mermaid. OK. I know. But if things go sideways down there and she's crying, hire a lady, put her on a boat, fake

catcher. I'll come down there. I'll wear a wig. I'll shave my chest. I'll get to that. Yeah. So you got to her at all. Oh, no.

I don't want to be a mermaid anymore if it looks like that man you want to be a mermaid that's what happens when you hit your 40s hello oh my god I want to be a mermaid like in Disney you want real life this is what happens to mermaids I'm dating an octopus you know what we'll do Maggie

Gareth and I will show up real half cocked on alcohol smoking cigarettes and we'll let her know this is what and I will show up half-cocked on alcohol, smoking cigarettes, and we'll let her know this is what happens to little girls when they become adult mermaids. Yeah, or what we could do is we could show up at the bar and look like a couple of mariners. And we could be talking about exchanging mermaid tails at the bar.

Drinking fruity cocktails. So we're going to do that, but we're going to keep the three-and-a-half-year-old away from us. Maggie, we appreciate the call. Rachel and Olivia, thank you guys for coming. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Oh, my God. Wow.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. And the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio. And our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh. And you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com.

That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.