We're Here to Help - 5: Find Your Goblin

Episode Date: September 1, 2023

Jake and Gareth talk to callers about friends who steal the show and committing to a bit at work. Check out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com!Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPodAdvertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

all right here we are episode 5 jake yep this is episode five. We got a really fun one today. We've got a man who needs help because he has a friend who he hangs out with a lot who is far too handsome. Yep, something you said you've suffered a lot from when we go out. You definitely have felt that a lot. And so I think we do a good job of kind of being able to relate because we each represent the role. You're the caller and I'm the guy. Yeah, I'm the hunk. Took me, I was like, where's he going with that? Okay, I got you. He also asks in this one, you will find out he, after the fact, he emailed and asked us to beep out his friend's name.

Yes. So you're going to hear a lot of beeps. He mentions it a lot. So there's going to be a lot of beeping out of Ian's buddy. And he did that because he realized this is a real story with a real guy who he genuinely likes but also hates because he's like six foot three and a hunk. Yeah.

So we accommodated. Kevin accommodated. It took Kevin, uh i think 30 hours to do all the beeping we've got another fun call from a young woman who what i believe had a stroke of genius which is something i think can happen yep she made a bold move at work and um and it came back to bite her yeah kind of the question of hers is what do you do then yeah the way to circle back on um some strange decisions while working as a barista and then before we uh push it off to those calls i also want to say that uh you've been in a slightly weird vibe today we've done some calls and now we're finishing with this intro. Yeah. But is everything okay?

Yeah, everything's fine. Everything's fine. I'm fine. Everything's fine. You had the weirdest technical issues in the history of our show. No mic worked. Yeah, I don't know. Listen, that threw me.

I'm a podcaster and a comedian, and if I don't have mics working, that's tough for me. Jake, it would be like if your script on your kindle wasn't working at your acting place or whatever you know so so you'd get thrown what yeah you'd get thrown exactly so you're a little when asked is everything okay you did snap at kevin i did not snap and you did it's kevin kevin was there a snap there wasn't a snap there was an adjustment there was like uh oh okay this is the dynamic today then before you self hung up on yourself and left the zoom that was not a great move when the zoom when you record a zoom it asks if you're if you want to leave the meeting or you got it when it's being recorded i on accident hit hit leave meeting and then then

i hit a low then i hit a low and before when kevin said will you turn off your screen to recharge and we were both looking down at this point you said don't say anything behind my back truth be told okay there was a uh a hurricane that was downgraded that was coming to Los Angeles. Tropical storm. I was in Fort Collins, Colorado, and I left right after my show. So at midnight, I drove the craziest route, like 22 hours, and then got home. Oh, you were driving through that? I drove around it.

Oh, wow. I was like Bill Pa it like i was like i was like bill paxton and i was like tornadoing it and i i don't know it was a crazy 22 hours and so i really think that attacking me which is what i've been is not okay um i was really just trying to save myself and my cat this is a story about a man and a cat anyway ladies and gentlemen enjoy the show hi hi there how you doing you're on with uh jake and gareth can we ask your name please my name's ian uh hey so you uh decided to email us uh do you mind telling us what your question is? Sure. Well, I mean, it's more of a problem, right? If this is a question podcast, then I've called the wrong one. Ian, you're a spicy little taco and I like it. Why don't you jump in with what you need our eyes on?

How about that? Sure. So my buddy is one of my best friends. He's a gentle giant. He's like 6'5", and he's too good-looking. He's tall, and he's too good-looking. I'm about as tall as he is broad. And when we go out, especially when we're both single, it's like I'm not even there. It's weird. It's like they're looking at me but they're

looking through me at him i don't know what to do uh what's your ian what's your height what are we looking at here what's my height yeah five eight ish is that is that five seven yeah respect to john dick ian what do we walk around uh if you were to step on a scale what would that scale say to us oh man i wasn't prepared for this emotionally uh you know and we gotta go deep baby we gotta go deep 190 190 on a good day uh and we talking about and look i'm a guy who's starting to lose my hair are we talking about a full head of hair up top, Ian? Or are we, in certain lights, can we see the scalp? Well, you can see the scalp because it's shaved.

You know, I knew that I was losing the war, so I won a battle. By the way, much respect. Ian, how old are you, brother? 38. And what do you do for work? I'm an account manager, so nothing sexy. I just help tech companies do their tech stuff. So it's solid, but you're right, it's not sexy.

And the gentle giant, what's his name? His name is ****. Of course it is. It's a great name. It's a hot name. And what does **** do for work? Well, yeah, exactly, right? He's a massage therapist.

Jesus Christ. You're up against it. I think you need to drop it. That's my first thought. Hold on. We're not there yet. We're not there yet, Carl. He's 6'5".

He's a massage therapist. He's great with his hands. Allegedly. I mean, professionally. Yeah, it's a great end is he single well right now he is that's part of the problem when he's in a relationship it's great because it's like it it shuts off some of the magnetism but not now ian are you okay you're single yourself yes yes sir okay and and when you go out are you going out just to hang out with... Or are you like, hey, let's go out and let's talk to some women?

You know, it almost doesn't matter. When we go out, like, we could be out just for fun, or we could have maybe the intended meeting people. Even if it's just for fun, it's like... You're fucked. The attention is sucked out and away do so so the time that you're spending together can be usurped by female attention just because this guy is so stunning yeah one time he set us up on a double date and i feel like both girls like it was like i was a fourth wheel i was like a fourth yeah so i just have so i'm gonna relate to you a little bit on

this and i'm gonna call out a friend. It's going to embarrass him. But I did a movie with Damon Wayans Jr. And when we were out in bars just talking to people, we were both in relationships. The way women look at that man, the way waitresses looked at him, it was as if nobody else was at the table. Very rarely would like a cute waitress get my order right because she was just focused on damon in a way that was so annoying he also does a very uh move in that he wears a strawberry hand lotion so he smells like fruits

oh wow he smells like he's good with his hands oh you have no idea he's a killer the ladies absolutely love him but i'm going to tell you because you walk around at 57 190 i would love to tease you my man but i'm not far off so you you next to is me next to damon and i'm going to be honest here this is a losing battle there's not going to be honest here. This is a losing battle. There's not going to be great advice for a random woman to go. Yeah, he's five, seven chunky and bald, but that's my guy. You want to know why? Because he has a solid job as long, but if you get out of the picture and you create a little dating app and you meet a woman who knows what she's getting i'll tell you what even from this call you got a winning personality am i wrong gareth no you're right and that's what i'm going to suggest we lean into

now here's the thing right your problem is that is getting too much female attention and you feel like you're just off to the side. But one of my favorite relationships in nature is that of a big shark and that little fish who hangs out under the shark. And the shark is eating chunks of meat and and just devouring everything and and all anyone sees is the shark just eating everything but little do we know that under there is a fish who's doing no actual work and still satiated granted the belly might not be as full the life might not be as exciting but there's still enough food to go around. Ian, you are that little fish, my man.

You are actually getting the doorway into many conversations with women that you probably wouldn't have. Now, I'm not even saying that your whole life has to be like a couple of sitcom characters out at a bar every time you go out. But if you are trying to get female attention, is actually maybe an asset if you flip the way you look at it a little bit. Maybe the perspective is just, okay, so is talking to that woman and her friend. I can also be a part of this conversation. Like Jake's saying, the personality is not an issue.

And Jake will tell you just like I'll tell you. Guys like us, the feature is the personality. The headliners, the personnel. No women are seeing Jake and I in bars and going, whoo, you got to give me some of that. We have to look straight up in the air to see six foot. Yes, absolutely. Ladies like that number. I'm going to tell you one thing I'm going to advise you not to do.

like that number i'm going to tell you one thing i'm going to advise you not to do okay and i promise you if you end up reading some ridiculous book like the game or anything like this it might sway you in a nightmare direction never right peacock yeah don't nag either i guess don't don't carry dice in your pocket well i wish i i wish i called you guys before i blew my budget on bracelets and those are returnable so here's where you're at ian is a real friend he is yeah i probably shouldn't use his name it's okay i mean look why because you told him he's unthinkably handsome and all the girls like him god forbid he hears about this hey man you just put me on a podcast where you said all the women love me and I'm really desirable.

Could you not do that again? In what world? This is just contributing to the problem, really. Now, every once in a while, they have the term iron sharpens iron, and you want to be around people who bring the best to you. Well, sometimes you're going to want, you know, the way has you. You're going to want your own Ian. You know, try to find somebody who's 5'3", 260.

And so when you're walking around, you're the shark, my man. If you could, if I may, if I may. What did he say? He said a goblin. What did he say? He said a goblin. I think adding a third, if you can add a third to this dynamic that just gives, I mean, again, I think we've already got our plan, but we're just giving you options. The whole thing, the whole point of this podcast is that these are options.

We just want you to win. There is the play. Get a goblin. Get a goblin. So your comparison is the play where you- Get a goblin. Where you- Get a goblin. So your comparison is the thief of joy. You're asking me to go out and steal someone else's joy as sort of like a food chain and attractive- Don't put it like that.

Don't put it like that. We're just talking about the fish under the shark having a tinier fish. Let's keep it in there. This is what we're thinking. The shark eats the fish. Is there a fish small enough to attach to me is what you're asking. Yes, and there is. Of course there is.

And Ian, there is. There's thousands of them. And it's another bar. It's another world. And guess what? The other guy, you're Ian. You're Goblin, as you call him. What?

Well, you called him a Goblin. I don't call him that to his face. Of course you don't. No, God, no. But guess what? The women call him that to his face. Of course you don't. Yeah, no, God, no, no. But guess what? The women call him that in the bathroom when they all go to the bathroom together. And then one of them says, I got dibs on Ian. And the other one goes, no, I'm flirting with the sexy accountant.

And the other one goes, fine, I'll go with the goblin. I'll jump on the goblin grenade. So I think our advice on this one is you've got to, one, understand when you're with the great white shark, the massage therapist, just kind of get whatever you can get. Two, maybe create a dating app that's just your own thing. And three, find yourself a gross little goblin guy, become friends with them and go out to bars with them and pick up girls and be the alpha dog. That's smart. That's smart. I mean, obviously I've thought of all these things already, but hearing funny, famous people say it makes me believe it could work.

And so Ian- Just believe in Ian. A lot of times it's just that simple. Now, Ian, that's really beautiful Gareth now should we take a moment for the listeners to kind of recalibrate with the emotions because that was poignant are you going to actually apply any of these moves and if so if your move is I'm going to look for the goblin do you kind of have one in the back of your head where you're like, my cousin Jerry could work? I don't have any goblins on the bench. So I might have to think up a move. I like the idea of creating the two worlds.

I mean, it's kind of painful because we're really good buds. But I will probably have to try and just go out with my more even friends, more even to me. But what do you think about like a dating app? I've been on dating apps. I mean, they're okay. They're kind of, I don't know. They're not great. They're a little depressing.

They're not great. So you kind of, Ian, you want to meet a girl and you would rather meet a woman out and about rather than a dating app? Yes, 100%. I think that's better in general. Then if you don't really have a goblin, which it sounds like you don't yet, I would keep your eyes open. But really what you got to then do is unfortunately, I think you got to create two worlds. Yeah. Well, we really wish you the best, Ian. We really hope that you are able to

navigate this a little bit better with our help. Even if you haven't, we're probably going to tell people that we helped you because that's kind of the vibe we're trying to put out in the world. If you have a breakthrough, if there's something interesting that develops in this, don't be afraid to email the show because we like to follow up if there are developments.

We wish you the best, man. Thanks, Ian. Thank you, guys. It was fun. All right. Bye now. All right, bud. Thanks, Ian. Thank you, guys. It was fun. All right, bye now. All right, bud. Good luck. Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right?

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But so Babbel's great. Now listen, listen, everybody. Should we bring him in? Wait, one, everybody. Should we bring him in? Right. One quick pause. Should we bring in the close? Studies from Yale. This is interesting.

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I didn't go to college. 15 hours. You just did a semester. Yeah. That's wild. Yes. That's a wild study. So speaking of language, should we bring in the closer or should I do it?

Closer. All right. Hold on. Let's get him kevin doors open oh you meant gill yeah i meant kevin what kevin was gonna do it no i thought we were talking about the closer the we were he parked in front of all our cars so might as well oh we can't leave well what's what's the problem go ahead so that old jalopy is gills yes and you can turn it off i guess now keep it running i want the rest it's bad for a lot of smoke i'm pausing a serious except now listen here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now get 55 off your babble subscription but only for our listeners this isn't for people who don't listen like laura from one of the calls earlier. These are standalone. At babbel.com slash hth.

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Rules and restrictions. I'll tell you what, I don't want to babble your ear off. I got to go back to the jalopy. Rules and restrictions. Mail time. This episode is brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Garth, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because as you know, my mother was in town for a

while. She had a hip replacement and it was crazy. It was a crazy situation. And there were so many times, so many things like complications were popping up. And there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly somewhere close you use that doc yeah you would use that doc because it's just so much harder if you're just like you know like using search engines to try to find someone and then you call do they take your insurance the problem has it's all there for all the problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up. Yes.

And what I like, I actually use ZocDoc since we started doing it. I do like that it keeps it really clean and you can put all your information in. Yeah. Did you use ZocDoc for your knee? I did use ZocDoc for my knee, which I am going to get an MRI on. Oh, you are? But we don't think it's a tear. That's the good news.

But I am going to get an MRI. The doctor report back, it's just an old man's's knee it's actually pretty much what it sounded like doctor said to me about my hips i'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like yeah you're just uh he goes i've had a doctor who looked at my body and then when like this well you're mid-40s yeah oh what a jerk uh well that guy's hopefully not on zoc doc but but again it really does it filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you. Treat basically. And again, you can get an appointment quickly.

You can also get it same day. That's absolutely right, Jake, if you're lucky. That's right. Gil Buchanan, ones and twos, 68 balmy. Don't worry about it. That's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother.

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a top rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H. ZocDoc.com slash H-T-H. dot com slash hth ZocDoc dot com slash hth Hi, how you doing? Good, you're on with Jake and Gareth we're going to try to help you

can we get your name? Yeah, my name is Melissa Melissa, and where are you calling from Melissa? St. Petersburg, Florida Florida, beautiful and can we ask how old you are? Melissa. And where are you calling from, Melissa? St. Petersburg, Florida. Florida. Beautiful. And can we ask how old you are? I am 30, actually.

30, actually. Lovely. 30-30! All right, Jake, we're going to need you to... I'm going to right away, Jake, tell you to take it down a major notch. Coming in real hot early on this. We don't even know the context for this one. Dirty 30 from St. Pete's! All all right we're not um no you shouldn't don't love it melissa that's not what we need to do right now is encourage him so melissa can you uh fill us in why are you calling what's going on i could i could fill it in this is melissa she's she's living that dirty dirty life down in st jake i i bet it's a little more specific than that.

So, Melissa, I'm assuming your problem isn't that you're in St. Pete and having a dirty 30. Would you give us some context? What's going on? Well, I really appreciate Jake's energy, but I will get into this. Thank you, Melissa. That's why I called. Thank you. So, I work in a very, very busy coffee shop.

One of my first shifts, actually, I believe, I'm making a drink. You know, they give me the ticket. I'm getting it all ready to go. I see a man standing there in a Panama hat. And all of a sudden, I go to read out his drink order and call his name out. His name was Gary, by the way. And I turn to Gary and I tell him with an Australian accent that I haven't been able to repeat or recreate that his latte is ready. And it was so genuine, and I have never heard myself sound so good at an accent

that I have never really tried before, and I was impressed with myself, if I may say so. Can we hear the Australian while we're just in the accent portion of the tale? I got to level with you i tried to recreate it because it's waiting for this moment and it's it's not great um that's the next day when you came in all right yeah let's hear what you got and then you can grade yourself compared to how you did it on the day all right it's gonna be a zero but i did say something on his his second drink on the ticket was something it a flat white, and I did just call out like an extra hot flat white to take away, and that was it.

Now, by the way, that's not a zero to me. Gareth, am I out of line? Oh, it isn't? You're a little out of line. It's pretty bad. But I will say, no, no, no, no. Listen, I think it's great. I fully support what you're doing, but it is.

I understand the predicament more now, but to call that a zero, look, I'm no, I'm no accent. Honest to God as a professional actor. Here we go. Why don't you and I have a quick little talk as Australians and then nightmare, maybe not. So you start just because i can't remember how they sound and then let's just go a little bit back and forth and we'll see if we can find your best go ahead oh i'm blinking all right i'm just gonna repeat my uh coffee order and then i guess you can be gary all right i've got an extra hot flat white for takeaway well that sounds pretty good to me oh god i'm gonna take it away and then i'm gonna pretty good to me. Oh, God. I'm going to take it away,

and then I'm going to go back to Sydney, where I live. Okay. Listen, I just hope that people are able to see your face, Jake, because it just looks like the look of a jazz musician, just like deep in a solo, but it was not earned at all. It was so bad. Melissa, you're not going to be the tastemaker of the accents on this show. I'm sorry. I cannot allow it. So you do the accent, you do the latte, he takes it, he leaves. He has been coming in regularly now, not every day, but I have somehow avoided speaking in front of him and i normally in a little chatterbox at work and i i just dip my lip since he walks in so the question on this one just to kind of paraphrase is a guy named gary came into your coffee shop and how old is gary about

i'd say he's in his 60s oh 60s okays. So he's an older guy. Okay. A little silver. A little silver fox. Is he handsome? Yeah. It doesn't matter. Yeah, he's pretty handsome. Any guy wearing a Panama hat is attractive. See, that's where I think we just switched dynamics and roles on this podcast. It looks like he's on a safari. That's a hot look.

Anyway, go ahead, Jason. So a 60-year-old guy comes in and first, because of the hat he's wearing, you use an Australian accent when you hand him his latte. And since that moment, you have not interacted and you have avoided him. And so the question is, what do I do now? Yes, what do I do now? I think this one could be pretty clean. Garf, you got anything to start? Because I know where I'm going.

I think we're probably going to go in the same direction. I think that you, well, how long ago did this happen? This was, I think, about two months ago. Okay. And I know based on my accent that I had now, it's easy to believe he might have thought it was a joke accent, and I don't know how to explain this phenomenon, but it was so perfect at the

moment and it came out so eloquently that I I have to believe maybe this is me just overthinking it but I have to believe that he thought it was real yeah so I I really am not fair I'm gonna suggest that you just jump back into regular Melissa I think you probably can get away with it. It's been two months. And, you know, he's wearing a Panama hat. This guy's probably floating in his own little airspace to begin with. So I think you could probably get away with now if you got to call out the order, you can just go back. Or I would suggest the slow move back to your regular accent. Don't hit the Australian so much. Maybe act like you talk a little funny every other word. And then two interactions later, you're back to regular Melissa. So that's my pitch. My pitch is

you just go back to normal or you're two conversations away from de-evolving. Melissa, I think that's solid advice, but I'm going to go in a slightly different direction here. And I mean this sincerely. I think every once in a while in this great life on this weird planet of ours, we are struck with moments of brilliance. Was I when I did my Australian? No. Were you when you did your Australian with me? No. Were you the day that you gave Gary his first latte? Were you touched by whatever in this world is greater than us, an angel or what have you? Yes, you were.

So here's what I'm going to recommend for you. The only problem you get into is a little old thing called anxiety and overthinking it. The next time Gary comes in, you just walk up to him and without thought, let that accent come out and let's see what happens. Because it might be a weird electricity between you and that silver fox that creates the best Australian accent you've ever done. And the only way you're going to know is if he's gifted you this thing or not is to either fall flat on your face or nail an Australian accent. You ever heard of people who get in like car crashes and they

have brain damage and then they wake up and they can like play Beethoven. Yes. Right. So my kind of advice is the brains are very weird things. We don't understand them. And I think there's a fighting chance that you and this guy in this coffee shop have tapped into something that has transformed you and given you the ability to do accent work that you never had before. And I would say, don't let your thoughts get in the way of that. Just lead out and see what happens. So just so we can put a finer point on this, what is the path you're going to take in your situation with Panama Gary, who thinks you're some version of Australian?

What are you going to do? I think, guys guys your advice is solid and probably the wiser of the two and i should probably take that but i do think i am kind of buying into this cosmic energy thing and i might just get weird with it so here here's why here's why i push that uh and you know here's the reality i'm not a human being who is afraid to embarrass myself. So the worst case scenario is he goes, can I get a latte? And you get that stomachache. You're going to get butterflies in your stomach. And then you got to tell Melissa to stop thinking. And you're going to turn around and go, here's your latte for you, Gary. And in that moment, Melissa, because I didn't think I let, I let Gary's energy hit me. So if you let it hit you and then he says, Oh, thank you so much. Uh, are you from Australia?

And don't be Melissa. Just go. I am actually, I'm from outside of Sydney. I lost it because I started thinking because I started thinking it got horrible again because I started thinking yeah, it showed, but the first one was pretty good can we agree on that not bad but then you went like i fell apart yeah sick leprechaun agreed my second so i fell apart but my point to you melissa is grab that drink turn around and just fucking go for it and worst case scenario if it's dog shit then you both laugh together and he has a great story and okay i've come around on that a little bit that is the fun approach i i and then i think you figured that out at the moment yeah but but yeah it started from fun so maybe maybe you put it in fun. Absolutely.

I'm going to spend every day in the mirror practicing to make you guys proud. We will do this together. Melissa, thank you for the call. There's one set of footprints. Thank you, Melissa. Hold on, hold on. Thank you guys so much. Hold on, hold on.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Thanks a lot, Melissa. We appreciate it. There's one set of footprints? What does that mean? Keep us posted. Appreciate it a lot. Bye-bye now. Thank you so much. Take care now.

Alright, bye-bye now. Take it easy. Thanks a lot. Florida! Love it. Take care. Bye-bye. See you later. Thanks a bundle. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin

Bartelt. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out all of his work at Thank you. And if you would like to be on our show, please email us at helpfulpod at gmail.com. That was a HeadGum Podcast.