We're Here to Help - 51: It's Your World, We're Just Pitching In It with Chris Distefano

Episode Date: February 8, 2024

Jake, Gareth and special guest Chris Distefano talk to callers about themed parties and a dog-watching situation. Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] the video episodes of the podcast at Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodCheck out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com!If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPodAdvertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

and we're rolling are back with the studio Back in the studio. Back in the studio. A hit. Big guest. Big guest. Hilarious. This guy is everywhere. Yes. He really is.

He's crushing it. He is crushing it. Chris DiStefano. Chris was, when I moved to New York for a show for about six months, he was in the pilot. And then I was like, we got to put him in the series. And he and I. What pilot? It was called Philosophy.

It was an MTV show that did one season. Most of my things do one to two. That's how I like it. What was the show called? Philosophy. What was the premise? It was like a panel show. I didn't know about this one. Yeah, that's the problem with the show. What year was this? Oh god, this must have been 85? No, uh 2010. Okay, I got you.

2011. Okay, now I'm back. chris and i used to go do open mics with our buddy mike cannon and we used to just hit my chris knew every mic and sometimes we would be in like some guys literally in some guy's living room with like six other comics and i'd be like what's happening right now chris comes on the show he's an absolute killer we appreciate him yes go go go follow him chris de stefano on instagram He's got a podcast called Chrissy Chaos, and it is chaos. He is nuts. He's also touring all the time. He's on the road all the time.

Where do you find him? His website? Yeah, I'm sure he's got chrisdistefano.com. But if you go to chrisdistefano on Instagram, I won't be doing venues as large as Chris, but I will be all over the place. You can go to garethreynolds.com. I'm touring all over the place for the next few months so go there but you know great episode and before we go like always

i love you man i want to thank you for everything you've done lamar king shit don't get emotional let's just get into it buddy king shit king shit we appreciate you lamar and your poster and and it's given jake a new focus rest in power without further hi hi there welcome to the podcast we're here to help you're on with jake johnson who's wearing uh grandma nina's glasses uh gareth reynolds and our guest today, the biggest stand-up comedian of all time. A killer. A killer. Bushwick's own.

Yes. Chris DiStefano. How you doing? Can we get your name, rough age, and what you're calling about, please? And where you're from. Okay. I'm Emily. I'm 37, and I'm from Northern British Columbia in Canada.

All right, Emily. So walk us through where we're at on this one. Okay, so I need your help planning a party. It's going to be a coming out party for my new boobs. Oh, wow. So what does this mean? You're having, you got any fake boobs and you want to reveal them at a party?

Yeah, you know, I've been waiting like 15 years for this moment and it's expensive and people have been really waiting for this moment too. So I feel like I need to give it to the people. They've been supporting me and now I need to... Emily, walk us through a little bit of your backstory because if you're like...

Her back hurts more than it did before. Walk us through your backstory and your back problems. I had my first kid like 15 years ago. So I've had three kids. So the boobs have gone from a solid double D to a tuck-in-your-pants B, if you get where my drift is going. I don't know what a tuck-in-your-pants B is.

I know it's a common thing in British Columbia. It's the tuck-in-your-pants B. It's kind of a regional thing in British Columbia it's the tuck in your pants bee it's kind of regional thing but I performed out there Gareth knows I perform all over Canada the tuck in the pants bee I know that it's you know long saggies flapjacks is what we call them here on the east coast

medically so you 15 years ago so basically you had double D's you were always Emily with the big boobs yeah and you know what i was in high school yeah and and you liked that i loved it it got into bars under age yeah you know i get it of course so it's a strange little world okay and so you then the children uh slowly started to destroy the boobs destroy your breasts and my life and your life it sounds like you're a great mother who's happy you had them.

And so the kids have slowly done that. So now your kids are raised. You're having no more kids. And you're like, I miss. They're still young kids. Well, okay. 15 years ago, she had her first. So what are you at?

A 15-year-old, a 12-year-old, and a 10-year-old? 15, 13, and 8. You don't need to raise those anymore. They're good. So you're almost out of diapers. The goose. Because we're going to assume she's definitely out of diapers now. Well, you know, I got a 13-year-old and an 8-year-old and a

2-year-old and you'd be shocked who's in diapers and who isn't. Chris. Chris is actually in diapers. All his kids are potty trained. Chris is figuring it out. His kids are fucking brilliant being like, the 2-year-old's going like this, what do I got to do with this fucking guy? He doesn't learn. I'm wanting.

And then so you want to kind of regain what you had so you went uh the surgical route you got them done i'm sure it was an excuse no i'm getting them done oh you haven't even got oh and so what is well you're gonna have a while before you can actually pull the trigger on the party because you can't you know i know i bought you know my girl got them and then remove them you know You can't move, you know, like I bought, you know, my girl got them and then remove them. You know, you can't move your arms really up and down for a couple of days. You can't do a bird impression for like three weeks. One of the first things I encourage you to do is to move everything from the top shelves

down where you, cause you can't reach overhead. Just FYI. Yep. Good. So don't make cans of soup or whatever you need. Yeah. There'll be no soup if you're not putting it on a high level.

So Emily, are you still married to the same guy with know with another guy where are we at in relationship world i'm still married and where is he at with it does he is he excited about it i'll answer this he's ready you know actually he's more team like well i'm doing it it's already paid for and booked but he hates spending money so he's only yeah he's he's got the purse string tight and so he's a little bit and but he'll be happy well emily i want to make sure that you know that you're beautiful with or without the boobs and i hope that you know i do i do know but there's a comma right well no because i think you smile but we all know that your eyes are saying there's i could be wrong the glasses yeah yes yeah no that i just

have a twitch that i think that the money that you're spending on that uh on the boob job i know is significant and you can actually go ahead and I have opened up an investment company if you'd like to give me that money I can invest that at doing two points better than the active market right now. Alright, it took a bad turn. It took an interesting turn because I'm a guy who makes financial mistakes

and I'm interested in Chrissy Double D. You have two points above us. You should not be talking off air. Don't talk anymore. I beat inflation at every turn. I'm going to get us a little bit more money because we are sponsored by Rocket Money. Rocket Money, burning up all your subscriptions. Rocket Money, burning up all your subscriptions. All right, so Emily, you've already paid the money.

You are doing this. You're getting the procedure done. Your question is, and we're here to help you, and you're saying, you've already paid the money. You are doing this. You're getting the procedure done. Yes. Your question is, and we're here to help you. And you're saying, how do I make this party fun? Well,

there's a very easy way, correct? And that is, it's an adult only party. And like it's somebody's fucking Kinson year or sweet 16 or bar Mitzvah. You do the before and after photos. You know what? I used to work weddings.

I've done 300 of them. You know what's all over the walls of a wedding? When they first met, when they were little kids. So you have photos of you as a teenager. It's all you and you chop off your face and your lower body. It's all photos of your chest. And then you get all of them with kids. It's you holding a baby at a beach where those boobs

start getting beaten up yep and it's 14 years ago then 12 years ago they're getting more beat up and you make it fun you get a tit pinata yes but you you go all out and you know what this is you've got a huge you know you do you get two pinatas one post and one pre the one pre has already been beaten up there's no candy in them and it's a tiny little pinata. And you go, anybody have fun playing with this one? And you go, and that's why we did it. And then you got another one that's huge, full of goodies. Full of goodies.

And the first pinata just looks like those tucked in bees. You just get a long, dirty sock with a bunch of oranges in it. And you know what you do with it? Two socks with mandarin oranges in them. You fill it with peanut butter and let raccoons rip through it yes that's what guys that's what happened to my double d all right and and emily i'm sure right now you're like a lot of applicable advice has been thrown my way i'll invite live raccoons in my house to eat peanut butter from socks you can put it outside up in british comely there's tons of those little bears a little okay

i i i think i think what what Jake is saying is pretty good. Like, you know, you wanted to show people the new you. Yeah, yeah. A version of how I would do this, first of all, with the pictures. Yes. I would go the route of Nutrisystem, not a sponsor. I always found it so gratifying when someone would jump through a picture of old them. Yes.

So why not? Why don't we get old picture of you where you maybe a picture you saw where you made this change and let's blow that up. It's a great. And let's have you jump through that at the party. And I would even say this because you don't want to start the party with a moment like that. What if we have a change?

So we have a change of clothes why don't we start you in something that is kind of like you will you'll be fully healed but not showing off the new gals as much as you want like a Walgreens sweatshirt yeah let's get you a sweatshirt exactly that's what you walk around the party in an hour wearing and then when it's time we get a roll, we get the picture up, and you in your form-revealing dress that you want to wear, you jump through it, show the new you, and then you party the rest of the year. And so I think Garf is really onto something, and I think the game of it could be, because I also really like the titty pinata.

Yeah. And I really, I think there's an idea, title, I think there's an idea, title, I think there's an idea, and I'm going to take half credit, but it really was Chris's, but because I rephrased it. Well, you guys are going to work the market together. Maybe I get a point on it, but you get the majority of points. I said, Tit, if you want to invest with me, we can get you more points than the active market. I'm very excited about it.

It's Tit. Titty Pinata is better than Tit Pinata. But it did start with your investment. Yeah, but Jake, you were on to something great. You got sidetracked. So I say you do the party like Gareth is saying in two phases. There's a first half and a second half. The first half is, thank you so much for coming.

I'm wearing a Walgreens sweater. And everyone goes like, you look amazing. And everyone's talking and it's nice. Then you leave. The lights dim. You jump through the photo. Then the titty pinata comes out. Then the photos are up, then you might have

to end it, Emily, and we're gonna pitch and then we're gonna hear from you, but this is about one thing and one thing only, and that's showing the fucking nude... You can't show the full nude boobs to your friends. Imagine this. Hey, come to my party. What's it about? I bought a Ferrari.

You got a Ferrari? I made a lot of money. If the Ferrari was in your underwear, okay. Hold on, Gareth. I bought a Ferrari. You want to come see the party? Yeah, everybody comes. How is it? It's fucking awesome, dude. It's the best. Dude, you have no idea. Can I see it? No. Listen, I'm not going to lobby. Check out the Ford Escort. I'm not going to say that I wouldn't go to a party

where someone shows tits, but I feel like what if your mother's there or someone you work with? But Emily seems like a very cool, free-spirited British Columbian woman, and I think that it's a different thing. I would assume you're not going to have the kids there. You're not going to have close friends. No, this is an after-hours party.

This is for friends and fun, and what I think, Emily, is I agree with Jake. You absolutely have to show these at some point, and I think maybe every idea that Jake had, I think is amazing. The pinata's the party, but I think we started off, the invitation

starts off with a funeral for Emily. Yes! The old Emily is dead. So I want them, you invite them to your own funeral. They don't know what the hell's going on, and it's really a funeral for your old tits. Yes. And your dead tits. That's really fun. And you even ask the surgeon

if you could have some of that, you know, some of your old tits. Okay. Pass it out. Have that in a Ziploc bag. Oh, you know how people give ashes? You can free ashes of the old boobs. You know how much money I made off my girlfriend's placenta? All right.

How much? A lot's getting said right now. Fast. About $15,000. Then I invested. It got 8%. What a fucking king. I'm going to get a lady pregnant, have a baby on the side, give you that 15

grand, and in about three years, we're going to be fucking rolling in it. Bang! I'll own this whole fucking building. Now we're fucking talking. What's great about this show... He's making fucking money with Chrissy D. Jake, I'm going to put you on a word count for a second.

What's great about this show is that you get a lot of options, and you get to pick. So you've heard everything from just wear a Walgreen's sweater to start to let's bury your old tits. Yes. So what are you thinking?

Okay, I'm loving a little bit of each and it needs to be unhinged. I love to throw a big party like last year. I don't know how many people came, but it has to be unhinged. I love to throw a big party like last year. I don't know how many people came, but it has to be themed. Everyone has to dress up, so we have to think of a costume. All right, hold on.

Emily, let me pitch on it before we get out of this road. It's a funeral. I think Chris is right. Everybody has to wear all black. Everybody's got to bring flowers. Everybody's sad because they are coming to a – because you don't want to do like 80s Magnum P.I. Then they they go why am i dressed in short shirts and a wine shirt to see some tits it's a different thing i mean i get why it didn't work what i started made sense and i get the point

the example was the example but you're right i think you don't you don't it's going to be hard to find a theme that fits into this funeral does but here's what you say in the thing. Comma, have a change of clothes under your black. And that is the after hours. Yes. So this party goes into. The party has two halves. And so your sad black outfit can also be your black dress. Yep.

Right. Emily, how do you like that? Okay. I like the funeral idea, but I almost think we could twist it and turn it the opposite way, because it's either death or rebirth, right? Yes, that could be the second half. I could get... Oh, that could be. I could get the... What if I got the bioproduct from the doctor and I actually buried it? Yes. That was, I believe, a pitch that I laughed out of the the room but here we are back to burying the old titties um but keep going emily because you're on to something here so you're

talking about in the party burying the titties yeah i like starting it off with like a turtleneck or cremation we could have like a viking pier but starting off maybe a black turtleneck and then people have scissors and then everyone like slowly cuts away at the turtleneck and then people have scissors and then everyone like slowly cuts away at the turtleneck and makes it smaller and smaller and kill a big reveal this is the hottest party i've ever heard i love this i have a question how long of a flight is it from los angeles to british columbia where it doesn't matter i'll run there faster thank you kindly starting now with scissors yeah i'll far as gump it but em Emily, this is a fun idea. You're talking about wearing a big black turtleneck

and then at a certain point, the people at your party are cutting it. Here's a turn. Who's getting the invite? Is it like uncles and brothers and dads and sisters? No. Okay. Like all my amazing friends.

Okay, great. And so your kind of community of friends know this side of you? They've all seen my boobs. Okay, so it's going to be fun. It's going to be boozy. It's going to be flirty so it's going to be fun. It's going to be boozy. It's going to be flirty. It's going to be fun.

Is that the kind of party we're talking? Yeah, exactly. Cutting, having everybody walk up and take a cut of your turtleneck while they're passing it one by one is such a huge idea, Emily. Your old breasts to some extent. Yep.

Or cremate them. And then how far, so keep going because I think you're on fire here. So funeral theme, burying the titties, people get scissors, cut your turtleneck revealing. Continue. Okay, so if I'm thinking funeral, you know how you're talking about

like pictures along the wall? Yes. I like the boob progression, but I also like to throw in a twist. What if it was like pictures of, you know, the boob progression but i also like to throw in a twist what if it was like pictures of l you know if boob or elbow game so like you don't know if you're looking at cleavage or if you're looking at someone's like this is elbow sure you know amish people we should have called you agree you know same thing you know amish men are attracted to women's elbows

and in the amish community that's the thing that women cover up most. Really? An Amish man is attracted to a woman's elbow. I never thought that's what would be weird about the Amish. This is a community that you keep diving deeper. Google it, but they're not doing their own Googles. They're not involved in that. Yeah, they'll never hear it.

So the boob progression with elbows is a very fun idea. So we go funeral theme at the beginning. We do barium. We do an idea of a Viking funeral, maybe. You're going to decide or barium cremate, which is what Chris said. Boob progression on the wall. Are they boobs or are they

elbows or are they like fat creases? Who cares? Okay, then keep going, Emily. Okay. And then we need a game. What you could do if you wanted, and again it's your world, we're just pitching in it. But what you could do

is you could, if you wanted, you want to do the reveal you could have some pictures of other boobs and have people guess which ones are yours. Yeah, that's a game. And then right before the reveal, then you can show which ones are yours. Yes. That's a game. And then right before the reveal, then you can show which ones are actually yours.

Yes. But you do that before the scissors. Yes. So then you have everybody's guessing. Right, right, yes. But there's like five photos, and you have to like put a marble. So that you have like 13 marbles in these,

so those people are standing there, and one team wins. Or what if you did it like this? What if you do it in the order you're talking about, right? And so you have three options. And then each person gets a raffle ticket and they write their name on the back and they put it in the bucket of which one they think it is.

After the reveal, you then tell them which one it is and you pull a raffle ticket out of that bucket for a winner. And here's what the winners get. Selfies with the tits. Okay. No face photos, but they get to take a selfie with their face next to your boobs. They line up. There you go. Or like a hooter

shooter. Sure. Yes, or a hooter shooter. So Emily, how are you feeling about this party? Because honestly, I think it sounds really good. Wild good why are you at i'm excited i mean i'm gonna have to add more so that it's a little bit more unhinged or like a little bit wild that we can't get you where we need to get you with this well how and what do you want to do you want to no no no no no this is this is good i just don't want anyone

to be sad at a funeral here Here's what we're pitching you. They dress up like a funeral, right? You bury your dead boobs. Yeah. Right? You then have photos of the wall of real boobs that are yours and some people guess on it. They then cut your shirt with scissors.

We might be burning your old ones. Yes. The winner all takes selfies with your boobs. After you jump through a picture of old ones. Yes. The winner all takes selfies with your boobs. After you jump through a picture of old you. Yes. No, and that's how you end at the end. You're at a three-hour mark of this party. Everybody's drunk.

You're at 1130 at night. What the fuck else do you want? Let's have some fireworks when I do the reveal. Fun. And I think that'll top it off. I'll shoot them off i'll shoot them off your tits yeah there you go great seriously why not so emily let's get real for a second are you gonna do all this i 1000 will do every single thing and more do you like the

idea of blowing fireworks off could you get your husband to help on that you need a fire marshal but yeah yeah he's a firefighter oh he's a firefighter we didn't know that wow so then we have access to hoses and keep going jake in closing will you pitch back to us what you're actually going to do at this party so what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna send out invites first and i'll make it something about like the rebirth or death or i'm gonna make it serious so i think i'm gonna or something. I'm going to make it serious. Death and rebirth. Yeah, I think I'm going to like start off serious so people are kind of weirded out. And then, you know, have a dark candles, everything,

like actually like a funeral for like the first half. And then we're going to change that music up. Yeah, we're going to change it up. People, you know, they're already cutting off my turtleneck. I don't know if they're closing. We don't know what's happening yet. But the drinks are going to flow. You're resurrecting the tits.

A resurrection thing. This is fun. That's right. We're going to say our goodbyes to the old boobs. We're going to put that to rest. We're going to do a Viking pier in the backyard. I love the Viking thing. They invented biological warfare.

That's a fun fact. Okay, let's stick to the, keep going. Light that shit up. Then we're going to get people ready for phase two. And I'll set up a big tent, and then I'll put that blown-up photo of me, and then we'll do the drum roll, maybe, and then I'll run through, and I'll be like...

Great. Some fireworks potentially there. Yes. Some fireworks. We're going to do those games. We're going to... The guessing game? Yeah, we're going to do those games. The guessing game? Yeah, we're going to do the guessing game. The boob versus noob.

I like the raffle idea, so I'm going to put that in there. Real good one. And yeah, the winner will get to take a selfie with my boobs. And the thing you were talking about, take a shot off your boobs in a selfie and all the winners get the shot in a selfie. Just make sure that the wounds are completely healed before we do the shot off your boobs in a selfie, and all the winners get the shot in a selfie.

Just make sure that the wounds are completely healed before we do the shot off the boobs. Absolutely. Don't send us an invitation out until you know you're good to go. We don't need an infect-she-weck-she. Absolutely. But, Emily, we—title. Emily, we appreciate the call. Keep us posted, and congratulations, and enjoy. Yeah.

And remember, put all your soup at eye level, like Chris said. You're not going to be able to get your Campbell's as easily. That's important. You can't lift your arms overhead. Thank you for the call. It's called McKaning. Thanks a lot, Emily. Bye.

Bye. Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science-backed language learning app that actually works, which I find to be very important. Science-backed, Jake.

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Listen, everybody. Should we bring him in? Wait, one quick pause. Should we bring in the closer? Studies from Yale, this is interesting, Michigan State University and others, prove that Babbel is better. So one study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester of college. So if that's true, which Yale's no joke, it's just putting schooling in a different light.

Yes. If you spend 15 hours, let's say you didn't go to college and you always feel like, well, I don't know. I didn't go to college. 15 hours, you just did a semester. Yeah. That's wild. Yes. You just did a semester. Yeah. That's wild. Yes.

That's a wild study. So speaking of language, should we bring in the closer or should I do it? Closer. All right. Hold on. Let's get him. Kevin. Door's open. Oh, you meant Gil.

I meant Kevin. I thought Kevin was going to do it. No, I thought we were talking about the closer. We were. He parked in front of all our cars, so might as well. Oh, he can't leave? Well, what's the problem? Go ahead.

So that old jalopy is Gil's? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. No, keep it running. It's bad for something. A lot of smoke. I'm pausing a serious accent. Now, listen.

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I got to go back to the jalopy. Rules and restrictions. This episode is brought to you by ZocDoc ZocDoc is a free app and website Where you can search and compare Highly rated In-network doctors Near you And instantly book appointments With them online

Garf, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot Because as you know, my mother was in town for a while She had a hip replacement And it was crazy It was a crazy situation and there were so many times so many things like complications were popping up and there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly somewhere close you use that doc yeah

you would use that doc because it's just so much harder if you're just like you know like using search engines to try to find someone and then you call do they take your insurance the problem has it's all there for all the problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up yes and what i like i actually use zocdoc we since we started doing it i do like that it keeps it really clean and you could put all your information in yeah did you use zocdoc for your knee i did use zocdoc for my knee which i am going to get an mri on but we don't think it's a tear that's the good news but i am going to get an mri oh the doctor report back it's just an old man's knee it's actually pretty much what it sounded

like doctor said to me about my hips i'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like yeah you're just the he goes i've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like well you're mid-40s, yeah? Ugh, what a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on ZocDoc. But again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you. Treat basically.

And again, you can get an appointment quickly. You can also get it same day. That's absolutely right, Jake, if you're lucky. That's right. Gil Buchanan, 1s and 2s, 68 balmy. Don't worry about it. That's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to if you're lucky. That's right. Gil Buchanan, ones and twos, 68 balmy. Don't worry about it. That's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads.

Good to see you, brother. You literally never left. Wherever the best time in the world, go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Did you hear how much that costs? Free. Free. That's right. And then find and book a top rated doctor today.

that cost you free free that's right and then find and book a top rated doctor today that's z-o-c-d-o-c dot com slash h-t-h zocdoc.com slash h-t-h this episode is brought to you by another food place because we are true fat boys over here because you have to say hell yeah no but you've got to say when you're saying yes to an ad is this something you like and it's all becoming food it's great it's great uh factor is truly amazing um look it's eating better uh with factors delicious ready to eat. They get delivered to your house. They're not frozen meals. You can cook them in the oven. You can cook them in the microwave.

They can be ready in just two minutes. They have so many options. You got pancakes, you got smoothies, and you got more. Yes, and they got wellness shots and all that stuff. I'm a vegetarian, so I eat. Are you a full veggie? Yeah, pretty much. Every now and then I'll mix in a little bit of the proteins my doctor said I had.

There's no protein? Really? Yeah. What do you have? Cholesterol? No, no. He was like... Oh, mix in the protein. Yeah, yeah.

I got you. Yeah, no, he doesn't inject it in if that's what you thought. But look, Factor delivers meals. It's super easy around your schedule. It's the perfect solution if you're looking for fast premium options with no cooking required. Just sign up and save. So head to factormeals.com slash gilcentme five zero and use code gil sent me 50 to get 50% off. It's gil sent me 50 at factormeals.com slash gil sent me 50 to get 50% off. Come on, everybody. Join Factor. I eat them in the garage. Jake's my buddy. I don't like Gareth. Let's do it. Hello, caller, are you there?

You're on We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast. Don't look that up. Yep. 68 and ball me. You're on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and our guest today, the greatest living stand-up comedian, because some dead ones are better, Chris DiStefano. That's it, baby. You got it. And who knows if I'm alive? I could be dead. I could be AI.

Well, that would be awesome. I wish we had the budget to do it. Can we get your name, please? Hi, yeah. My name is Kate. I'm calling from Oregon. What can we help you with today? What's going on? All right. Hey, guys. Let me say first, it's a thrill to be talking to you i love the new girl i've watched the entire series twice thank you it's actually a new girl it's not the new girl how old are you kate um i'm 39 oh you're the old girl i'm 39 too i'm kidding i just want to do it in my fours man i want to do a new girl old girl thing and it wasn't great. I'm hungover. Okay, here we go.

I just wanted to set up a bit. I love you, Kate. So, Kate, keep in mind you're putting your fate in the hands of Chris as well. So, all right, talk to us. What's going on? Kate, 39, Oregon. Where are we at? Okay, so, all right.

So, we're from Oregon, or we live in Oregon now, but we're not originally from here. And this year, we went home for Christmas. And we have a dog, and we needed someone to uh house it and dog sit for us because my dog has just a really hard time being kenneled um and so he's a live animal we we hired a girl who used to walk him for us years ago who i found on craigslist okay and um she's a really nice person she's super sweet she's great with dogs it's the holidays. I don't want her to be alone.

I told her she could have her boyfriend over and stay for the holidays. So we go home. We think everything's fine. My husband gets a notification on his phone a few days in on our ring camera that they're coming into our house. No big deal. But it looks like they're carrying in lighting and camera equipment oh gosh and so my husband he's looking at me he shows me the film he's like um is this something we need to be concerned about like no it's fine

oh kate i'm liking this setup i am too are we all thinking the same thing they're doing like a calendar for the dog no okay sorry no so kate you have a dog sitter who's a female she knows your little fluffy dog what's the dog's name murphy solid name agreed so you got the females watching murphy you see on the ring camera this lady and a guy are bringing in cameras and lights into your home while you're not there okay keep going and lo and behold it took me a whole 10 minutes to discover that she's actually in the sex industry and that she and her boy her boyfriend is her partner in porn okay all right all right okay and like homemade porn. Wow. Yeah. You let this lady in her house. What's her name?

I don't think I want to tell her name. Let's call her Lisa Ann for now. Yeah, that's fine. Lisa Ann sounds great. Okay. So Lisa Ann, I find her that she has an OnlyFans account. And my mind is just going crazy. I'm thinking, I have to see if my house is in this. Of course.

So I subscribe to her page. That's the reason I do all mine too, just in case they get in my house. It's a location-based subscription for most of the... Every time I've ever looked at court, I'm just making sure they didn't fuck in any bed I've ever done. Absolutely, yeah. I know, that's mostly what it is. I'm not into the

thing. It's how I look at, it's my Zillow. This is the way people used to say with articles. I look at Playboy for the heck of it. I'm looking at porn just to see if they fuck. I'm just trying to see

how they're arranging the furniture in the room. Yeah, exactly. Okay, so Kate, you get on a subscription to your dog sitter's account, which is a really hot turn of events. That, like,

somebody who works for the family doing OnlyFans on the side, your husband's jumping into help more now than he did before. Probably he's got to see what room. Come on, let's solve this mystery, babe. Go back a little for the shot.

And so what happens when you look at Lisa and stuff? Do you see your house? No. So they've got like these like sheets and stuff in the background. So like, you can't tell where they are. And so any, but, but, but my, it's two things. My mind is going wild with the possibility that they were doing live cam stuff.

And so I wouldn't find anything on there anyway. And then the second thing is she sees that I have subscribed to her page and she messages me on it. And she's like, oh my God god how did you find me um thanks for subscribing we've got the message up here oh you got the message oh god oh my god yeah the message is uh oh my god that's great mind-blown emoji how did you find me thank you for subscribing monkey covering the eyes so i'm gonna say this kate if you're wrong here you're out of fucking line you're making a move you are you better hope she fucked in your home at this point because you have somebody watching your dog who has like a quiet thing on the side to make extra money she's a dog sitter we're not talking about a wealthy

woman and then the woman who pays her is now like, show me your naked body. You might be a creepo here, Kate. You better confirm there's cum on your ottoman. Kevin, we got ourselves a title. But Kate, I'm saying this, this show, the premise of this, as you know, is we're on your team.

I'm promising you, you're in a fucking danger zone. So, okay, so she writes that. It didn't look like in the screenshot we saw that you replied. Did you not reply? I didn't really acknowledge that. I text messaged her and asked for my key back. And she was like, it's in my pussy right now. So let me just do some Kegels, and I'll have that for you in about 10 minutes.

That's why they're Kegels. Thank you. So wait. So you wrote back. You did not write back to this. You just wrote back another thing and said, can I get my key back? Yeah. So from her point of view, you follow her on OnlyFans.

You look at her naked. You watch her have sex with her husband. She reaches out with a funny little monkey face. And then you, for some reason, after not liking what she's doing on only, where's the key? Where's the key?

Hey, is that right? Hey, you might be in some trouble here, kid. This could be an HR nightmare for you, kiddo. How my question is,

do I ask her if anything was happening or do i just let it go and just what do you do now is the question you feel like your space was a little violated but she but gareth yeah but you didn't see it i agree she saw sheets well where else are these people gonna fuck and you saw about you did not see your home kate no i didn't so so you really want to know how do you what do you do how do you approach this subject and do you and before we pitch and start thinking on this you said can i get my key back and what did lisa ann say she said sure and she brought it over and dropped it in my mailbox and when you got home to your house was it clean yes it was so was there any evidence that people were fucking all throughout

your house because as we've known on this podcast from other sitters and you know gareth has said the same if people are in your house they have free reign to masturbate i've admitted to dog and cat sitting and masturbating in the house 100 yep that's usually what i do yep i have no privacy i got three kids so the only way i can masturbate peacefully is i dog or cat sit yep that's right exactly right what a funny business you could start on the side right now people go like i'm a big fan of his he's he's really doing this yeah 35 a night and he's genuinely good with the cats why is he doing that and i just show up with a roll of paper towels how are you yeah thank you so much i'm not gonna sleep here i'm gonna be here for literally 15 minutes but i will take care of your which room do you want me to spank in you pick and so

chris where are you at well here's the thing i think legally here if people haven't if you're coming over and there's house sitting and they're having sex in your house and filming it there's no problem with that you basically did think they would probably be having sex in your house and filming it, there's no problem with that. You basically did think they would probably be having sex in your house anyway. You got to assume. Every time, I always, like, even when I order furniture, like Raymoor and Flanagan came over last week, and I was like, I assume they're having sex with, you know, all the legal women in my family.

They're moving it in. That's a wild way to view the business of these people. Whatever they want to do. So, Chris, your belief, your belief is that everybody who delivers to your home has free reign to not have sex with their partners, but have sex with everybody over 18 who's willing in your home? Listen, I go by the rules of the founding fathers, and they said— Your boys. That's all.

What did they say? Well, the only thing they said, the only thing I wouldn't do is I wouldn't quarter British soldiers. If British soldiers. If British soldiers are going to come in. But is that the Third Amendment? Yes. They cannot live in my house because that's a rule. Yeah.

But if you're not, as long as you prove to me that you're not a British Red Coat. So as long as they are not living in your house when you've opened the door. Yes. It's kind of like vampire rules. You've invited him in, so now you deal with the vampire. Yes. I'm not quartering soldiers. That's the only thing I won't allow. But everything else. And I think that's...

When we started this call, did anyone think that Chris would be walking away from quartering British soldiers? I didn't see that coming. That's the only one that I really... I protect that one more than the guns and freedom of speech. I want you British soldiers to get out of my house. We should be fighting for that amendment a little bit more. We really should. We should have that as the...

It's the third. It's the third. So the first and second we're really big on, but then the third we're like, we should have that as the, it's the third. It's the third. So the first and second we're really big on, but then the third we're like, eh, either way. Yeah, yeah, the other,

yeah, I mean, you know, any British, you know, Ricky Gervais comes over, he's like, get the fuck out of my house. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I wouldn't make it a big deal.

I wouldn't contact her about it anymore. I would ask her if you're going to do that again, you are more than welcome to do that again, but you need to, I would like 10% of the profit.

And we want the dog calendar. I would ask for money for it. I would ask for a little bit more money, but I would have no issue doing it. You're bringing in and out your own sheets. I swear to God. So if somebody came to your house, because I got kids too. So if somebody came to my house and I felt this way,

I'm realizing doing this show, I'm more of a prude than others even the lady who was just masturbating like crazy in the living room i thought like oh go to a back bedroom oh and gareth said honest to god i have free reign to stand on your dining room table and jack off yeah i want it because there's a kitchen island i'll do what i like if somebody i'll eat sushi off myself if i want to yeah because i will say this kate uh i'm gonna go on the other side of Chris's take here, and I would probably bring it up. Kate, I have a quick question for you. Producer Kevin here,

not to blow up your spot, but I know you are a teacher with a class that starts in three minutes. How many of the students are in the classroom right now while you're on the phone? No, I've locked them out, and I told them that they can't come in until I open the door. Okay, so then we're going to move on this. What do you teach, real quick? This is important for me to know. I teach high school English. Oh, high school English.

What does the word daft mean? Kind of dumb? Crazy. Daft is a synonym for crazy. You would know that if you knew 17th century British. This is some Columbo stuff. We might be in a new world here. I don't think it's Columbo.

I don't think it's the word Columbo. Give me one be in a new world here. I don't think it's Columbo. Give me one example of a preposition. Oh my God. Are we serious? Okay, she's got a bunch of them. Kate, we got two minutes with you. Here's what I think you do. I think you reach out and I think you say,

hey, we saw you come in with a camera and lights. We do not feel comfortable with this. I just need to know, were you making OnlyFans videos in my home? I want the truth. There's going to be no legal anything. I just need to know where we're at. Garf, am I out of line there?

I don't agree. What do you say? I just let it go. I mean, what are you going to do? There's no win for you here. I understand why you feel like the space was violated, but it happened. You got the key back. You're not going to use her again.

I just think what is going to come from this follow-up? I think you just got to let it go. Chris, in closing, what's your last piece of advice? Chris wants to quarter British soldiers. My last piece of advice is I would say let it go. Let it go. Are you singing? Yes, let it go. Let it go. You know, as Elsa says, yes, let it go. Let it go.

I would say move on. You know, if they're sexual, beautiful people, give them the credit that they deserve. They had beautiful sex in your house. It's a sanctuary. And when it all fails, remember conjunction, junction. What's your function? It's a mixed bag, Kate, from Chris. But I think if you look deep in there, there might be something.

I'm not sure, but there might be. And then, Kate, in closing, what are you going to do? I don't know. You know, I really, she is a really sweet person, and I don't want to offend her. I think I just wanted to know, like, to hear from an outside perspective. But I've got a quick question.

Were you happy with the job she did with Murphy? Well, she didn't take him on any walks which is what like what they were supposed to be doing so there were no walks yes oh there you go that's oh because you saw on the camera there were no walks yeah here's the real question we hired a dog sitter she didn't take the dog on the walks she just fucked in my home all the time what should i do my answer is don't hire her again yeah she just fucks in your house and makes videos and doesn't walk your dog you got one job walk the dog by the way this isn't a question she must have been doing this for a while she's probably like what's a ring cam yeah because you at least do like a fake out

and in so you're loading in gear like it's union if she's not walking the dog you do not bring up the fucking you don't bring up anything you just don't hire again yes great okay what do you think of that kate i think that's probably a good option don't just again. Yes. Great. Okay. What do you think of that, Kate? I think that's probably a good option. Don't just get off the phone because you have a class full of children there who are waiting to learn about prepositions and what to ask me. Before we go, will you do us a favor

now? Uh-huh. Will you start your class with one lesson? Chris, how should she start that class? Well, I wanted to ask, what is the loose lesson plan for today? And then I can zero in a question. They're analyzing a short story. Oh, they're analyzing a short story.

Is it Edgar Allan Poe? Great question. No, it's a George Saunders piece. It's pretty hard. George Saunders, what's the short story about? It's about violence committed against a teenager and what is right and what's wrong. Let's not have Chris talk about that one. Fertile for comedy.

I only have one question. Was the teenager hot? Okay. Thank you so much for the call. We appreciate it. Appreciate it. Thank you for calling. Thank you guys.

Bye. Appreciate it. Bye. Bye, Kate. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. And the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio.

And our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh. And you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com The album artwork is by James Fosdyke You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke

D-I-K-E and if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.