We're Here to Help - 52: Look at MY Goatee with Lamar Woods

Episode Date: February 12, 2024

Jake, Gareth and special guest Lamar Woods talk to a caller about an interesting sleeping position. Later, Jake and Gareth chat with a non-confrontational divorce lawyer. Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] the video episodes of the podcast at Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodCheck out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com!If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPodAdvertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

we are back hey jakey we have a fun one today with Mr. Lamar Woods. Yes, great guest. We love this call a lot. Lamar was a writer on New Girl. Yep. A great writer, super funny. He created Brian's security guard. Yeah, I mean, we'll get into that bio.

I don't think we need to spoil the supper right up at the beginning. He also was in a pilot that I i shot with josh greenbaum the great documentary you were there yes oh yeah right he was we shot in the backyard together my backyard josh an incredible director incredible so this is a really fun episode uh lamar has his podcast called xoxo gossip kings yep check it out yep and also his album comes out on valentine's day called highly sensitive person lamar you'll see in this call is hard funny and we recommend you check him out yep and uh i'm also going on tour really soon so go to gareth reynolds.com i'll be going everywhere chicago added a second show no way yeah what theater are you in chicago the den fun it's

great spot but yeah great call again, we're on YouTube. If you want to go check that out, that's great. If you want to see us, it's very dynamic in studio. And we appreciate all the support and the love. And without further ado, we do short intros. Hello. Hello. Where are you calling from quickly?

Can we have a word? I'm actually calling from London. Ah, lovely. Capital. Absolutely smashing that is. All right, one second. We're just having a bit of an issue. Just make sure.

Can you hear us or are you muting? Hold on. I'm not talking to you. I've got a technician over here. So just give us a minute. Work your fucking hand for sure. All right. Well, if you can yank that wire there, that might be nice.

No, I don't have to wait no more. Hold on, we've got this. No, because he's got London right here, hasn't he? Just want to make sure we've got your... What time is it where you are, mate? Very quickly, just get that out of the way. Oh, it's half seven over here. Ah, 7.30.

Hey, Lamar, what time is it over there? What are you doing at? Oh, down here, mate. It's, man... Oh, shit, you say it was half seven? I got to go to work, baby. I got to get the fuck out of here. I'm supposed to be at the factory right now.

I like how it started with a little accent. Then in the middle, it was lost. And by the end, you just said, fuck it. Yeah, there was a real realization as you were going through it that I got to self-poll. Yeah. All right, Gar garth do our intro you wanna uh well listen uh first of all can we get your name uh it's ben of course it is like the clock but smaller uh age uh i'm 27 27 and ben you are on with uh garth myself and new and New Girl writer, comedian, musician,

podcast host of XOXO Gossip Kings. Coming out with an album that's dropping Valentine's Day. What's the name of that? Highly Sensitive Person. Highly Sensitive Person. A man who wrote the episode of New Girl that created Brian, the security guard.

Ben, you know Brian, the security guard security then you you know brian the security guard from new girl last season right hey i love new girl so we're not talking about the show and it's totality though just very specific we're looking for a myopic take on brian last season you're familiar with not the last season second to last season last season was it last no season six last season it was last season yeah i was in the room like, they were all like, man, this episode is done. And I said, yo, man, I'm not doing this until we get a security guard in this episode. You see that? Hey, Brian.

And that's... Lamar, what's the real story about the casting? Do you remember it? I do. I just remember... Lamar. He's talking to me, Garrett. All right.

All right. So I remember I got a bunch of castinged because I had a homie I wanted. My homie Tony Baker was funny. Tony Baker is great. He is great, to be quite honest. He was going to be Brian? Yeah, yeah. We went with my friend?

But Jake, imagine now. I was so pissed. But Jake, imagine now. You can't unsee Brian. You know what I mean? Now that you know. Tony Baker's funny. It's like saying someone else should play Scarface.

Doesn't make any sense now that we know. Keep going. Right, right. The sad head down after Scarface is incredible. Somebody else might go ahead and get up. There's like a, oh. Because he likes Tony Baker, too. He's great.

That's so funny. Yeah, and then I suggested it to Liz, but I don't think she knew who he was. But they were like, oh, Jake's got a homie. And I was like, all right, well, anything for my man Jake. Let's do it. Back to you, Ben. Ben, what's going on, man? I need some help.

I've got to convince my girlfriend of seven years that I prefer to sleep top and tail for a little while what the fuck let me translate very do you know i love you tail yeah she goes head yeah her feet are where his head is you're sleeping in bed like cousins yeah oh okay you prefer that like i need to change where i'm sleeping every now and again and we just bought our first place together and i can't change my position anymore and now it's like i can't get good sleep hey ben is this real you want to go top to tail with your wife because i grew up in i grew up in a kind of house where we like moved beds every once in a while and we would go top to tail where we would have like my brother my sister and mother in one and we went top to tail if a woman i was with went like, good night, love you, want to go top to tail?

I'd go, no. Or the good night, love you, and then putting her head by your feet. Yeah. Ben, what is this? Who hurt you? And why was it childhood? Yeah, you can't be doing that to the ladies out here. Walk us through this, Ben.

I don't know what it is, but for some reason, ever since I was a kid, if I'm sleeping in a new position or in a new location, I just, it's so much more restful. Top and tail? I actually know what you're saying. What? It's like the, whatever you have.

Yeah, like it's like, that's how you get comfortable. Are you, really quick, by the way, Ben, I'm actually not teasing you.

I get it. Are you guys both good sleepers? No, I'm not a good sleeper. I go through back and forth. Do you do the same routine every night? I just started doing that. Yes.

Like sleepy tea. And is it working? A little bit. You do celestial seasonings? Yeah. I want to have some smooth caramel chocolate. Yeah. Yeah.

Smooth caramel, big black. Smooth caramel, big black. Are you talking about the person in bed with you? Or a tea you drink? No, this is a guy. A little bit of smooth chocolate Big Black. I'm sleeping with the same woman every night. It's been transformed.

It's a big, smooth chocolate caramel, man. It will work for me, too. I'll go like this. All right, Lamar. Have a good night. Jake, go to sleep right now. Go to sleep. It's bedtime.

And then even if I'm not sleeping, I just go like this all night. Close your eyes. Great. Yeah, no, but it's getting there. It's getting there. So, Ben, are you a good sleeper or a bad sleeper? I'm such a bad sleeper. I have a CPAP machine.

Interesting. And so why do you want to go head to toe? You just think that changing it up could be fun? to go head to toe you just think that changing it up could be fun well the other night i woke up in the middle of the night and i was so uncomfortable that i actually did it and i just had the best sleep after i did it i get it this is why i'll get a picture a man in a c-pap machine then deciding in the middle of the night to go diving towards the feet and waking up the most rested. What did your girlfriend say the day after when she woke up

with your feet near her face? I actually woke up before her, so she doesn't know. This is a really... She doesn't even know about it. So, yeah, this is interesting. A secret talk to Taylor. You're trying to figure out how to lean into this, and it's not forever, but it's a phase.

And you need to try this to see if you get better sleep. Is this correct? Yes. And walk us through. And Ben, what's your girlfriend's name? Audrey. Audrey? Yeah.

What do you think she's going to react? Will you give a pitch where you play both characters, you are Ben and you are Audrey, and walk us through what you think would happen okay darling look i get a bit of sleep if i sleep in top detail or just moving around i don't know what it is had it since the kids i just need a couple weeks to do this then i'm off traveling it's fine know your feet are disgusting what are you doing sleep like a normal person. All right. So that's what I was afraid was going to happen.

So Audrey's a straight shooter. Yeah. She's not just- She didn't even know she slept next to feet all night. Yeah, yeah. I got you. You're going to be in a world of trouble here. You've got to-

It's not great. It's not great. It's not great. But what I would say is the CPAP maybe does you some favors. So you must be a horrendous snorer, right? Awful. Awful, yeah. So the sleepy accent, everything about it is so great.

I'm thinking top to tail, and it's awful. Awful is one of the best English accent words. I think what you should maybe do is recreate the other night. You felt shame. You brought your head back up so that she didn't feel that anything had changed. I think what you could do is tomorrow fall asleep regular when she wakes up, whether you're awake or not, pretend you're still asleep. You're down there and tell her you had a transformative night's sleep and see what she says. If she complains about your feet, I think there is a way to remedy that. Are your feet disgusting and smelly?

No, they're just feet. Yeah, so just wear some socks. Wear some nice little cutie socks. Ben, here's what I'm going to say on this one. And I'm glad you did, Audrey, and I appreciate it. And I got kind of a sense of you two. And I don't think this is going to go great at 26 to say like this i want to sleep head to toe i gotta say it's from the outside it's not a sexy pitch

now if you guys if you told me you were 57 your kids were in high school she might go like oh for fuck's sake who cares but at 26 you just moved in together no woman wants to be with all her girlfriends in a bar and go like what's the latest and then you go like i'm getting into i want to have plants in our house to have more life also ben and i sleep head to toe ben sleeps on my feet like that's not a great pitch but so here's what i think you do you do it in the dark and you do it as secret every night and that is you go to bed you can't be leading this double i'm pitching double life no yeah double life so so i'm a really bad sleeper yeah i've been with my wife forever she is a closes her fucking eyes and falls asleep yeah but she wakes up with

movement so she's a very sweet person unless you wake her up right so right before bed she's like i hope you get a great night love you i love you she i'm moving around yeah you know i'm hot and then all of a sudden she wakes up she'll go what are you doing i'm like laying in the fucking dark for two hours so what i did for years is i would sneak out and go on the couch yes and then if you wake up at 6 a.m sneak back in the bed but that's just yeah and they don't buy no one no one gets hurt i feel you i feel i kind of feel that so my kind of thought is you get in bed you give each other a kiss you put that huge machine on your face good night we're doing pass out right she's asleep

you can't sleep ben if you can't sleep sleep but you can't so then quietly do the shuffle quietly reverse top to top and then all of a sudden you tap the tail go to bed if you wake up and she goes what are you doing you go huh i don't know why am i down here we don't do the accent you did it in my sleep all right all pretended sleep Lamar don't you take another swing at the accent Can I take another swing at his mate Okay This is what I think you should do Okay

Wow So My man I'm with my man I can't do this Lean in There's something about yours Alright

I don't know where you're from But wherever you're from Do Jamaican Okay Yeah I'm on I'm down in London man You gotta go get the collard greens first Alright here's my

you don't admit you don't get one sentence and then he jumped but you see his eyes die a little bit yeah yeah i'm gonna do jamaica all right man then he goes like this oh there's a moment especially when you do a pod because podcast is such a weird uh experience where you like become super self-aware of what's happening you're like where am i right now it's 11 o'clock i'm like what the fuck am i doing okay so here's my advice though i got advice for you okay it's a little bit what jake said this is what you do you do your you double life it right yeah and then the one day plan a whole day for her like the best day ever like all her favorite shit take her to the whatever she likes to do to go to the mall i don't know big day yeah big day and then when the day is over and she's like man

i just gotta say this is the best day ever you say it's because i got some good sleep last night let me tell you how to why let me tell you what i need to get that sleep to get that to get more days like that what do you think of that? You like that, mate? I think the bribery could work. Me too. I like that too. And you could even go a little further. Be a real crabby piece of shit one day

and say you slept like shit. And then the next morning she gets waffles and she gets a really nice breakfast. I actually ended up sleeping. I just slept so well. I did top to tail. So, Ben, here's what we're looking at. I have a couple others to cap her out.

You go, go, go. Two others real quick. One is wild. One is practical. The wild one, 69. 69, and post-69, lay down and go, gosh, this could work for a sleeping arrangement. You're post-coital everyone's

orgasmed and now you've got a pitch much more open environment just a pitch i don't know i will say this gross but maybe effective don't get on a 69 but i'll tell you this i do shit on 69 60 i'm okay with it yeah is that i wonder if that's something that you just don't do like when you get older you're like the idea of unless you're like in your 60s at a swingers party yeah and then you're like yeah also here's what i kind of feel about a 69 it's enough it's like having a hot fudge sundae and dinner at the same time that's exactly what it is i'll have a i'll have a steak baked potato and a drink and my dessert and you have a spoon in each and you go like this steak and so you're like slow what's the rush it's just i want to take our time now if you say hey we really like each other we have 45 seconds yeah you have an appointment yeah You can't do one thing at a time.

You can, but you're telling me you wouldn't want to try a mouthful of steak and ice cream? I wouldn't want to try it. It might be great. From 17 to 25? I tried it! I tried it. It was great, but now I'm an adult with responsibilities. And I didn't say

I'm going to finish my meal. Let it digest. It's the sexual rubbing your stomach, patting your head. Yes. How much can you get done at the same time? I agree that there's a little bit about like, can we do this?

But Ben, for your purposes, I think you could collapse after a successful 69 and go, boy, I think this might work for sleeping. And then if she goes, she laughs because what she will, and she'll go,

get up here. Yeah. Then what do you goes, she laughs, because what she will, and she'll go, get up here. Yeah. Then what do you say, Gareth, as Ben? Yeah. Let's do it together. I'm going to be Audrey. All right. Well, hold on.

Let's, num, num, num. Okay. Oh, boy, did I ever finish. I'm not finished. I'm done. I'm not finished. You know, this could actually work as a sleeping arrangement down here. I'm not finished, you shit. I'm actually done.

Finish what you started. I've had a steak and a banana split, and. I'm not finished, you shit. I'm actually done. Finish what you started. I've had a steak and a banana split and it's been fantastic at the same time. It's all over my fucking hair. And next time, I've told you, warn me, you cunt. Listen, don't bring cunts into this. But warn me because you're 26 years old and you shouldn't just shoot when you shoot. I believe I'm 27. I'm actually 27, I believe.

Okay, finish what you started. Well, it's actually going to mess with my plan a lot. What's your plan? I think I should sleep down here. I think you should fucking sleep in your own flat, you asshole. Get out! All right, sounds okay. Ben, that's sideways.

Yeah, but Ben, Audrey's being really tough in this one, right? Did you hear his version of Audrey? Ben, do us a favor. Do you mind? Yeah. Pretend you and Audrey just 69. Will you be both? Ben, do us a favor. Do you mind? Yes. Pretend you and Audrey just 69. Will you be both? No, let me be.

No. Come on. I know you are. I'd like Ben to do it. Ben, will you be you and Audrey? And will you pretend you just finished 69ing? And then picture that you're just going to stay. She should have finished.

But you just, somehow you both finish. Or you don't. She does. Yes. But you just, somehow you both finish. Or you don't. She does. Yes, she does. She has to, at least. And then you're deciding to say, I'm not coming up to end this with like a cuddle and a kiss and talk. I'm just going to immediately go to bed in that position.

No toothbrush. Nothing. So Ben, the floor is yours. You've just finished a 69. You're Ben and Audrey. Okay. Oh, yeah, the floor is yours. You've just finished a 69. You're Ben and Audrey. Okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

I'm going to bed. It sounded like he hurt his back. All right, Ben, keep going. And then Audrey, what are you doing? Go shower your wig. You're dirty. All right. So his Audrey's close to my Audrey yeah look it's not great

let's do it again I'll be Audrey oh he gets to be Audrey so now you're Ben and Lamar is Audrey alright so Ben you just finished and will you pitch that you want to go head to toe with sleep and let's see what happens I'm quite tired and uh go to bed i'm just gonna sit up over here at the end of the bed

yeah i like the way you ate my pussy today i need to get the fuck out of here by the way she sounds jamaican with, with your lack of commitment to accents, it really worked when you were mad about how somebody ate your vagina. That felt right. All right, last one. Ben, I'm Audrey. Let's go. Okay.

And then, hey, Lamar, will you be Ben? Okay. Oh, Christ. My fanny's tired. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, I think I'm just going to knock out right here. At the end of the bed, Ben. Are you going to honestly, yeah?

God, that's very much your mom, and that's doing a lot for me. Especially with the idea of a 69. You didn't do Audrey. You did Pam, and you know it. And you did that to fuck with me. Because, Pam, I won't go head to toe. Let's go head to head. Stop. Stop. didn't do audrey you did pam and you know it and you did that to fuck with me we are because you i won't go head to toe let's go head to head stop stop and if you're not finished i'll go back to the mind stop hey you're busting this guy's chops right now yeah sorry yeah i'm gonna be on the

peloton for some reason later like talk about this kind of undo a 69 well no i'm not uh his mother is beautiful all right all right ben let's go to my last pitch because that one was completely derailed and ruined sorry the c-pap does you a favor i went on the road with a comic who had a c-pap and he fell asleep with the c-pap in his hand one night and it was the worst night of sleep i ever had but it was crazy so it like the story was off the charts and i was, what is happening? So what you could do, right? You could have a couple nights where you fake fall asleep without the CPAP and snore into her ear. Right. And she's like, yeah.

So she has a bad night's sleep. She could go to the point where she's complaining about it the next day. Then what you could say is, I'm having trouble sometimes getting it secure on my face. I think I'll disturb your sleep less if I'm down and we do top to tail and I'm down there just in case I don't secure it that I'm not snoring right into your face. That's pretty good, Garth. So, Ben, here's what we kind of have for you. And I think we got some options, and I think you got to pull one of these,

and I think it might work. But we've got a double life. Tough. Gareth doesn't love the double life. Well, I think he's not going to sleep great, but okay. But that is, you're just getting a little less sleep. We've got the Lamar's big date. Yeah.

And then at the end, this happened because of sleep. We've got the reverse of it, and that is extra crabby. And then she goes, like, what's going on? You go, i'm just not sleeping enough which leads to a conversation where you pitch head to toe you've got a you also could do a combo of that too of mine just be crabby don't say why just be crabby and then do it a big day and then it'll be such a yeah and then you say because i slept i'm feeling so good yeah you do a 69 right after it's over you You just say, I'm going to stay down here to sleep.

Good luck with that one. That's a good idea. Good luck with that one. She's the first one to do that. Yeah, yeah. And if you do that one, good luck. You're going to be single again soon. You can try this again with the new one.

Then you do the, and I think this is interesting, Ben. You do the loud, exaggerated snore that she goes, are you good? And you go'm i'm having a hard time getting this machine to work right i think it would work better if i had my head on the other side i disturb you less and that maybe she could help come up with the idea with that too right because then she'll go well do you want to switch positions? And then you could say, you stay up here. And then you go, I don't care if we're head to toe. And she'll go, neither.

Who cares? So, Ben, what are you going to do, man? Wait, we're not doing the 69? We're not doing the 69. This is now real life right now. Just to be clear, Ben, your orgasm. Your orgasm. I think that is the least likely to succeed. Your orgasm is hard.

His thought is the orgasm. It's half seven. You got to hurry. I got to go to work. I feel like the double life is the least bad option. I think the double life is the way forward with the bribe at the end. The double life with the bribe at the end. So the double life and then eventually you lead to the big date and you say, I slept so great last night.

And she goes, that's awesome. And you go, yeah, I couldn't sleep. So I actually went head to toe and it really worked for me. So hopefully she goes, let's just try that for a while. And you say, with me, it always changes every few months. So this won't last forever. But if you're good with it, I am. Yeah. What do you think your wife would do like if someone went into your house like i snuck in your house while you're sleeping and filmed you sleeping on the couch and sent it to

her and like she the whole time she had no idea wouldn't care she wouldn't care yeah she's asleep yeah it's like i was yeah what's that gonna do with me yeah she wouldn't care she'd say what the fuck is this guy doing in our house filming you sleeping and I'd go we're working on a spec pilot you're missing the point

yeah exactly honey you don't get it you miss every shot you don't take it's gonna be great we got my bad girl we got Tony Baker it's gonna be a good

parody finally two Bryans we wish you all the best buddy thank you for the call and Lamar thanks for coming in man oh yeah 69 if it doesn't work thanks buddy today's episode is brought to you by

babble that's right jake listen you know what babble is right science-backed language learning app that actually works which i find to be very important. Science backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor. They come over. They're like asking for snacks. They're being annoying. There are even waste hours on apps that don't really help. We're here to help. And Babbel is going to help you. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations. you babble's tips and tools are approachable accessible rooted in real life situations so uh jake for instance if you want to learn uh i started re relearning french through babble a little bit yes because i used to know french but then i don't know french uh but it's still there

you know what i like about it is that it's got a speech recognition technology yep because the problem with learning a new language is if you sound like you're from another country. Yes. If it can actually help with the accent. Yes. That's a big ass turn.

And applicable to situations you're going to find yourself in. Yes. When I think back to taking French, it was just like so much. It was like, I'm never going to do that. Yes, 100%.

It's like, how do you order food? How do you get a drink? Yes. How do you ask for directions? So Babbel's great. Now listen, listen, everybody. Should we bring him in? Wait, one quick pause.

Should we bring in the closer? Studies from Yale, this is interesting, Michigan State University and others prove that Babbel is better. So one study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college. So if that's true, which Yale's no joke, it's just putting schooling in a different light. Yes. If you spend 15 hours, let's say you didn't go to college

and you always feel like, well, I don't know. I didn't go to college. 15 hours, you just did a semester. Yeah. That's wild. Yes. That's a wild study. So speaking of language, should we bring in the closer or should I do it?

Closer. All right, hold on. Let's get him. Kevin? Door's open. Come on in. Oh, you meant Gil. I meant Kevin.

What? I thought Kevin was going to do it. No, I thought we were talking about the closer. Well, you were. He parked in front of all our cars, so might as well. Oh, we can't leave. Well, what's the problem? Go ahead.

So that old jalopy is Gil's? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. Nah, keep it running. It's bad for something. A lot of smoke. I'm pausing a serious XM. Now listen, here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get 55% off your Babbel subscription.

But only for our listeners. This isn't for people who don't listen, like Laura from one of the calls earlier. These are stand-alone? At Babbel.com slash HTH. Jake, let me finish. Get 55 percent off Babbel.com slash HTH. Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L

dot com slash H-T-H. We're going to want you to Babbel. We want you to Babbel. I'll tell you what, I don't want to Babbel your ear off. I've got to go back to the jalopy. Rules and restrictions. This episode is brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Garth, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because as you know,

my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement and it was crazy. It was a crazy situation. And there were so many times, so many things, like complications were popping up, and there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly, somewhere close. You use ZocDoc. Yeah, you would use ZocDoc. Because it's just so much harder if you're just like, you know, like using search engines to try to find someone, and then you call, do they take your insurance? Yeah, but the problem also-

ZocDoc has filters for all that. The problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up. Yes. And what I like, I actually use ZocDoc since we started doing it. I do like that it keeps it really clean and you can put all your information in.

Yeah. Did you use ZocDoc for your knee? I did use ZocDoc for my knee, which I am going to get an MRI on. Oh, you are? But we don't think it's a tear. That's the good news. But I am going to get an MRI. The doctor, you are? But we don't think it's a tear. That's the good news. But I am going to get an MRI.

The doctor report back, it's just an old man's knee. It's actually pretty much what it sounded like. That's what a doctor said to me about my hips. I'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like, yeah, you're just the... He goes, I've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this. Well, you're mid-40s, yeah? Ugh, what a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on ZocDoc.

But again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you. Treat basically, and again, you can get an appointment quickly. You can also get it same day. That's absolutely right, Jake, if you're lucky. That's right. Gil Buchanan, 1s and 2s, 68 balmy. Don't worry about it.

That's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother. You never, literally never left. Whenever the best time in the world, go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Did you hear how much that costs? Free. Free. That's right.

And then find and book a top rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H. ZocDoc.com slash H-T-H. This episode is brought to you by another food place because we are true fat boys. We like to eat over here. Because you have to say. Well, we got to help. Yeah, no, but you've got to say when you're saying yes to an ad,

is this something you like? And it's all becoming food. It's great. It's great. Factor is truly amazing. Look, it's eating better with Factor's delicious, ready-to-eat meals.

They get delivered to your house. They're not frozen meals. It's easy. You can cook them in the oven. You can cook them in the microwave. They can be ready in just two minutes. They have so many options. You got pancakes. You can cook them in the oven. You can cook them in the microwave. They can be ready in just two minutes. They have so many options. You got pancakes.

You got smoothies. And you got more. Yes. And they got wellness shots and all that stuff. I'm a vegetarian, so I eat... Are you a full veggie? Yeah, pretty much. Every now and then, I'll mix in a little bit of the proteins my doctor said I had.

There's no... Really? Yeah. What do you have? Cholesterol? No, no. He was like... Oh, mix in the protein. Yeah, yeah. I got you. Yeah, no. He doesn't inject it in, if that's what you thought. Cholesterol? No, no. He was like... Oh, mix in the protein.

Yeah, yeah. I got you. Yeah, no, he doesn't inject it in, if that's what you thought. But look, Factor delivers meals. It's super easy around your schedule. It's the perfect solution if you're looking for fast, premium options with no cooking required. Just sign up and save. So head to factormeals.com slash gilcentme50.

And use code gilcentme50 to get 50% off. It's gilcentme50 at factormeals.com slash gil sent me 50 to get 50 off it's gil sent me 50 at factor meals dot com slash gil sent me 50 to get 50 off come on everybody join factor i eat him in the garage jake's my buddy i don't like gareth let's do it hi there hi there how are you i'm good great are you i'm great thanks that's great jake you good you good hold on the second caller we're just going to get a little temperature on jake here you good buddy no problem uh can i get uh first of all welcome we're here at albany mary's no more podcast don't look it up can we get your name age and where you're calling from please yes uh i'm james um i am 31 and i am calling from

arizona arizona jake you're good yeah what part of arizona james phoenix wow i don't know why you're hiding the i'll tell you what i've flown in there a bunch because i love jet suite x so much ah phoenix a pretty good airport i agree i just went to the grand canyon over spring break what a blast sky harbor is pretty solid. It's great. Are you kidding me? Yeah. Driving from there to the Grand Canyon, beautiful.

Sedona, beautiful. Yeah. Downtown Phoenix, nah, not great. But there's a lot about Arizona. The drive through that state is spectacular. That makes me happy. I figured a couple of Hollywood elites like you would think Arizona's a dumb desert country or something. I don't know.

I think we have to hear. Thank you. Come on, Jake. Although I'm joking. I know you. I also appreciate you calling us elites. Yeah, by the way, let's not sleep on the fact that you just called us elites. Because nobody in Hollywood is calling us elites.

Yeah, if you think we're elites, there's a problem with your scale. But, James, we're not here to talk about how Jake and I are struggling to get our place in the hierarchy of Hollywood. We're here to talk about you and solve your problem. Now, what in God's name is going on and what the hell can we do to fix it? Yeah, what I what I wanted to talk to you guys about is I am a pretty non-confrontational person just by nature. I'm I'm, you know, kind of I've just always been like a people pleaser. But here's here's the thing and i didn't say this yet but basically this trait sometimes i think doesn't quite jive

with my job and like what i do for a living which is which is i'm a divorce lawyer oh what the fuck what what that's a turn jimmy. A non-confrontational divorce lawyer? The sweetest divorce lawyer. Well, have you tried giving her another chance? I know what you walked in on, but there's got to be a reason behind it. Have you ever tried to see it through his point of view? I mean, honestly, what do you say a 50-50 split? That sounds pretty fair right down the middle.

Well, it seemed like it was your money because you made it, so I don't know why you're asking for half. It feels unfair for you to try to take what's actually his. All right. So you're a divorce lawyer who's non-confrontational. Keep going. Can you help me find a way to be both? Because like I said, I like being nice. I don't want to be an asshole, you know, but is there a way?

Do you think there's a way for me to do that while still being a good well let me cut the shit really fast because these are one of the this is one of these big kind of abstract ones that are tricky for us so let me ask you this are you successful at your at your job i think so i i've only been doing it for about six months i jimmy how's the money are you doing okay what's What's the scratch? I'm doing okay. Yeah. So I don't see a problem, honey. Do you think

your nature has gotten in the way of you doing your job better? The only thing is that I think one of the things is sometimes my clients, I think, want a bulldog, like kind of a badass who's kind of like a stereotypical lawyer. Killer.

Like, I just felt like, oh, fight for you. Yeah, exactly. So, Jimmy, I'm going to jump in here with a pitch. One, slick your hair back. I want gel in that hair. And when you think you're done, put another scoop in. And two, I want you to grow a goatee uh no professional goatee a professional goatee and three i want to do an exercise with you and here's what the exercise

is going to be i'm going to tell a story to gareth and you interrupt me and take over the story and you say get get back to you are you ready to start? Yeah, and I'm just going to pick up the story and keep telling it. Or you're going to go back to making this about you and your goatee, okay? But while you do it, I want you to imagine that you have a thick goatee and you have your hair slicked back. Are you ready? Okay, yeah. Do you have that?

I got it. What's on your fucking chin, Jimmy? A big-ass goatee. Well Jimmy? A big-ass goatee. Well, not a big-ass goatee, but a... Professional. You know, a tasteful professional goatee. Okay, good. You're not a new metal singer.

Let's not get too into how professional it is because now you're making it seem like a polite goatee. Yeah. It's a little disgusting, Jimmy. You're mormoning the facial hair. I mean, I wouldn't go crazy with it, but it would be something that wouldn't offend anybody. Tasteful, nothing too much.

But I want a goatee that might gross somebody out a little bit, okay? So now, Jimmy, we're going to start. You got your goatee. Okay, you got your hair. Hey, Garrett, those shoes. I'm really liking those shoes you got. Thank you. Because you could run in them.

Yep. That's what I like about them. You could also go to dinner in them. That's what I like about them. But they look nice. They're a good workout shoe. What I like is on the road, I can wear these to work out

and I could also wear them on stage. 100%. You're talking about a carry-on. Yeah, hey, Jimmy, remember the exercise? Hold on. Jimmy, that's actually a great point. Jimmy, Jimmy,

the only way... Jimmy! Like... Shut up! Shut up! Look at my goatee! Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. I'm the divorce lawyer here.

You already blew it. You blew it. Did I fuck it up? Well Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. I'm the divorce lawyer here. You already blew it. You blew it. Did I fuck it up? Well, yeah. Oh, I thought you told me. Jimmy. Jimmy. Jimmy.

Oh, man. Jimmy. First of all, by the way, might I suggest going with Jimmy? It's a little more sleazier. It might help if you had people call you Jimmy. You got the goatee. We're talking about a new guy. We're talking about changing a lifestyle.

But the problem with what you just did was Jake asked you to interrupt. And you waited for us to pause. You waited for the pause and then you complimented. So we're going to go again, Jimmy, and you're going to find a way to interrupt. Did you hear the way that Jake reprimanded you? That's the energy. That's the divorce lawyer you're going to be by the end of this call. All right, here we go. Are you ready? All right. Yeah, I'm i'm ready i'm ready i'm ready what what's on your chin jimmy a tasteful yet dastardly goat okay i can live with that i can live with that i gotta tell you

i love the hat because it reminds me of signs all throughout Chicago growing up. That old style. I thought you meant the movie for a second. Okay. No, that old style sign is still. Jake, shut the fuck up. Whoa. We're talking about me now. Whoa.

Whoa. Yeah. I don't give a fuck what you were just saying about that hat. What's going on, dude? All right. What do you want? I'm the one with problems. What's the problem, dude?

I don't need Hollywood elites. Oh. Hollywood liberal elites like you guys. Oh, my Lord. Talking over me. Oh. Okay. I'm sorry need Hollywood elites. Hollywood liberal elites like you guys talking over me. Okay. I'm sorry. Now you'll see from my visage that I've got a goatee. That means I am serious fucking business.

Okay. You'll also see. Well, look. Yeah. We see it. I'm not trying to be a dick or nothing, but it's just like the way you guys were just ignoring me sorry all right so can we kind of get back to my thing now yeah yeah yeah all right yeah but james all i have to say to you is you did it my man you're ready great i love it you're there king i i love it that's the energy I tell you guys, this is not a joke. I'm literally,

my hands are shaking right now. All right. Well, why don't we do this real quick? James, it was so good. That was great. Let's do this real quick. Okay. I'm going to be a client and I'm going to tell you, I don't want to go for too much. I want to make, now I'm not saying you go this route, but let's just do the exercise since we got your hands shaking. Okay. All right. So I'm going to tell you, I don't really want to go for the gut on this. I don't want to rip the throat out of my significant. You tell me what you want from me, okay? Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, she was cheating, but I kind of feel like at this point, I just want to make it smooth. Just get out. I mean, you know, whatever. It doesn't matter too much. I'm just kind of in a dark spot. Listen, listen, listen. Look at that goatee. Yeah? Billy? Yeah. out i mean you know whatever it doesn't matter too much i'm just kind of in a dark spot listen listen listen look at that goatee yeah billy yeah billy can i can i tell you something billy yeah jimmy how are you gonna let this woman waltz into your life basically trick you into marrying her

right she emasculates you well sleeping around with all these other guys. There's one guy, but okay. Well, no, it's true. You're a worthless, little, feckless little man. No, it's true. She made you that way. And you know, how are you going to just let her just take you for, you're just going to let her take you for a ride?

Well, no. I'm watching the pilot to Better Call Saul. Yeah. It's happening. This is great. You've become, by the way. Jimmy, dude, you're right. You're the guy. Jimmy is his name, right. Yeah. It's happening. This is great. You've become, by the way. Jimmy, dude, you're right. You're the guy. Jimmy is his name, right? Yeah. So James, we're put into bed and you're

becoming Jimmy. You said something in this that I really loved. Your tone is right. You're very intimidating. You're not a people pleaser. You're very scary. I would create a little catchphrase and that is, no, no, no, no no no no let me tell you something and you say that a few times so when they go no and you go I guess no no no no let me tell you something and then later when you're good no no no let me tell you something and you can also say let me tell you something I've been doing this for a long time and you go I've seen people like you a million times I like oh yeah and you're saying like even practice?

Yes. Like as a meditation? No, no, no, no, no. Let me tell you something. Yes. You're the boss. Take some deep breaths and do that. So let me hear you say that a few times in different tones.

Then no, no, no. Let me tell you something and then take a beat. I've seen people like you a million times. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Look, let me tell you something that's great pretty good okay okay let's do another one a little bit a little bit you've seen this a million times man you're danny glover you're too old for this shit okay all right no no no no no no no okay look i No, no. Okay. Look, I've seen this a million times. Buddy, Billy, can I call you Billy? Don't ask.

I've been in this game. I've been on the streets of Phoenix, Arizona, honestly, since you were just knee-high to a grasshopper. No, no, James, you're turning it into a joke. You're 31. Listen to me. Listen to me, okay? I've seen people like you on this show a million times come in here and start getting real and then turn it into a joke okay let me tell you something did you see what i just did there yeah go ahead no i just did the thing to you here's what you did different you went like real yeah it wasn't real here's what you did you went can i call you jimmy do you mind and then you said i've been doing this since you were a kid well they know

you're 31 years old and they're gonna go fuck this guy he's playing a character james you're not playing a character but there's a goatee you know all right you know what that's good you're not wrong but i'll also say this. Keep in mind, just because I got to say it. If you're doing well financially, you're trying to be a good human. I mean, my biggest hope in my life is that my daughters meet a guy like you. Yes. You're not the bad kind. You're the good kind, James.

Guess what? You're extra considerate and you think of others. Yes. Since when is that a bad thing, especially as a divorce lawyer? You're an empath. And maybe, maybe consider being a mediator. Ooh. Because you would be a perfect mediator.

Ooh. Oh, my God. Because a mediator, you know what you want? Is you want somebody who can see it through both eyes and can talk to each person. And the couple goes goes this was a bad situation but I'll tell you what James was so helpful and great and he helped me lose some

of my anger. Plus he didn't have a goatee. What do you think of that James? Is that possible? You sounded tickled by that. Genuinely I love that. I honestly hadn't considered it but like that's a viable career path that honestly i would love kind of getting to get to kind of help people see both sides and what that

naturally goes to who you are and i think the mediator game is going to get bigger and bigger with divorces more and more people are going to realize these fucking snakes are robbing them all their fake calls and their meetings you're bleeding two people dry you're taking the money from the family and you're giving it to these fucking rats. But a mediator, you're going, I really am just needing the fee so I can live too. And my job is that we all leave happy. That's you, James. James, what I like about that pitch is you can stick with James. There's no goatee. There's no LA looks in your hair and you stay yourself. So James, in the end, way better. I gotta be honest with you guys. That's way better. Thank you. What do you think you're going to do for real now?

Cause now I'm really invested in you and I hope I never have to use your services. Yeah. I'll see you real soon. Yeah. But what do you think James? I love it. Like genuinely, I think I'd like to do that. I mean, it's probably, it's, it's, I think my understanding is, you know, the mediator position, usually it's like divorce attorneys, you know, who've been doing a little for a few years and then they get into that. And so like, you know, maybe after I do this for a year or two, I think that's right. And then I think what you could do is when you meet with people, genuinely, thank you. I haven't even considered it. Great James. And then when you meet with people, part of the thing could be is I didn't, you go, look, I almost went down the road of growing a goatee and slicking my hair back and turning it into a piece of shit

because that is the only way you could be a divorce lawyer. And I thought there's got to be a better way. And I'm glad you guys are looking at divorce in the way that I'm looking at it. And this doesn't have to be ugly. We can be non-confrontational. We can be people-pleasing. And we don't have to interrupt each other yep james thank you for the call good luck buddy good luck bud oh my god thank you guys love you i love the show have a good one guys we love you man and we can say that to james yeah i love james we love you i love you james we love

you buddy you're one of the good ones on earth, James. Yeah. That warms my heart. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, I'm hanging up. Bye! We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. And the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKean.

Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio. And our video editor is John DeBruin. The. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com

That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke D-I-K-E and if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road

go to GarethReynolds.com And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.