We're Here to Help - 53: Carnival Fish Bowl with Lamorne Morris

Episode Date: February 15, 2024

Jake, Gareth and special guest Lamorne Morris talk to a caller grossed out by men crying. Later, Jake and Gareth help an engineer student with their class project. Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] the video episodes of the podcast at Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodCheck out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com!If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPodAdvertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

and we are back another episode coming your. We got a special one today. This is always, I mean, I think you say it in the episode, but this is really the friend of friends of the show is joining us. Yeah, the biggest friend of our show, Mr. Lamorne Morris is on today. Yes, I am. You and you're in the intro. Which is unusual. Yeah, it's never happened before. Well, we asked you not you're in the intro. Which is unusual. Yeah, it's never happened before.

Well, we asked you not to be in the intro. Well, no, I just because I really want people to tune into my podcast, The Morning After. Yeah, but we're not. What we're here to, this is there on our show to listen to this. So this is your show. This is we're here to help. We're recording yours tomorrow, but they're going to drop on the same day.

So The Morning After is going to drop today. This is a lot of scheduled talk that I don't think is really the audience is going to love. But it's just what it is. It's just what it is. So the morning after is my podcast. What is it? You know, we can do a little one-on-one right now. We can do a one-on-two.

Oh, you want to do a live teaser? I don't know if we can do it. Let's do a live teaser. It feels like. Live teaser. All right, let's go. Oh, you want to do a live teaser? I don't know if we can do... Let's do a live teaser. It feels like... Live teaser. All right, let's go. Guys, guys, welcome to the show. I think, first and foremost, what the fans really want to know.

Uh-oh. After all this time you guys spend together, have you ever seen each other's penises? Like, on purpose or an accident? Without further ado, enjoy the show. I kind of want to hear Lamorne's podcast. You start us hello hello who who is this um my name is porsche porsche porsche do you know who you're calling right now who you're looking for um oh i was looking for the podcast. Sorry. Well, damn it, girl.

You got the right place. Welcome to We're Here to Help. I am Jake Johnson from Chicago. You are on with Lamorne Morris, young lady. Oh, my God. I'm freaking out. Portia, remember when you didn't remember the name of the show?

That was crazy, right? That's so embarrassing. Everyone is going to eat me alive for that. But I heard Lamorne's voice and I short-circuited. So Portia, you're on with Gareth, Lamorne, and myself. What's your age, where you're calling from,

and what can we do for you? I am 24, and you're calling from and what can we do for you i am 24 and i am calling from oklahoma okay and what's going on i have been single for the past two years the past year have been trying to date and i keep coming across a problem where for some reason men cry in front of me very quickly and then i get turned off deeply disgusted and can't speak to them again this is wild well what the fuck wait hold on hold on so this is real. You've been going on a lot of dates and the men cry early and it grosses you out. Like, no, I'm not saying like first date, that would be absolutely insane. Right. Okay. And can you give us one example from one of these

guys? Walk us through what happened from the date to the crying, how it happened just so we can get a better sense um okay so the probably the most recent one i went on a date with him it was the date was fine itself um and then we were talking back and forth and we were supposed to go on another one i had something come up i rain checked and he left me a voicemail where he was crying i could hear the tears so he left you a voicemail where he was crying i could hear the tears so he left you a voicemail where he was crying about the rain check about the rain check yeah uh it was like i i thought i meant more to you than that like i thought we had a real connection and i was like oh what date was this two two that was after date one pre-date two what did you did you guys hook up on the first date yes oh not that one is there a reason you think you're attracting this sort of uh

driveling nightmare nightmares could correct word for that i think i um i don't know. I think I am a very empathetic person. I try and be like, I come across as very open and friendly. I listen very well. I have very big eyes and the eye contact is usually very intense. And so I have a doe eye situation. All right. So you got big eyes, you listen well. What's the question? Is the question, how do I get Ben to stop crying around me? So I think that's a bit of a big ask. The question is more, how do I respond to this going forward? Because it's also my New Year's resolution is to stop just ghosting into the wind. Yeah, but you're dealing with weepers.

Lamorne, have you ever cried on a date? On a date? Yeah. Yeah. Okay okay i've cried on a date before um early in the dating process and the pants come out the tears come out yeah no no what happened was um i was breaking it up with her breaking off breaking it off with her so i had to show i had to show that i was so hurt yeah walk us through what happened. I'll be her. So. You'd be her? What's happening on the day? Is there a waiter? Well, we were at a coffee shop.

Okay. Hey, what's going on? What do you want to talk to me about? Oh, no, you love me. It's the intervention cry. Let me say something to you. I hate you with everything in me, but there must be a part of me that loves you because I'm here.

I love you, Dad. Rocky, do-do-do-do-do, whatever the ending is, he fell off the wagon. Yeah, yeah. That man drink. So, Porsche, I got a pitch for you. Yeah. Okay.

I want to jump in really quick. Porsche, you're framing this question a lot nicer than your email, which was the subject was, how do I stop being grossed out by men crying? So, Porsche, here's my pitch to you because i think i think kevin's right you're trying to now that you're here and uh lamorne is here with his new podcast the lamorne and after have you listened to it yet i have not listened to lamorne's yet but i will after this okay dropping today right now so after this you can listen but here's what i would say i think you're you're kevin's right you're trying to come across nice and

saying how is this happening here's what i think you need to do when you are on the first date with this man you need to shame the other men yes you need to say in the middle of the date where he's like oh this is really fun and you go yeah and you go you know what's happening to me and i don't know if it's because of the big eyes and he goes what and he goes i have had so many men cry around me like little bitches and nothing turns me off more and so he'll go uh he was like getting emotional he'll go like so you have to shame a pattern that you don't want because some of these men might be thinking they like how emotional i am i'm honest with my feelings i'm open with my feelings and a lot of women might like it you're not one of those women it is just

crazy that i have guys cry that early but i think jake's right i would get it in the first date anecdotally yes just be like, honestly, I haven't been on a date since the last guy who just started crying, literally in between dates, started crying. And it was just a huge turn off. And then he'll go, what? A man cry? That doesn't happen. You'll go, honestly, I couldn't

have been more turned off. And then you go, and then I end up ghosting these guys. Lamar, what are you thinking? I was going to tell her to just grow up. Okay, so we're going to move forward from that one? No Lamar, what are you thinking? I was going to tell her to just grow up. Okay. Okay. So we're going to move forward from that one. No, no, no. Here's what I mean by that. You know, you just said you're 24, right?

Don't listen to this. There's a lot of, there's a lot of life to be lived. And there's a lesson learned. No, this is real. There's a lesson learned in tears. I feel like what's happening is, and we're all vibrational, right? You're sending off signals to these people that are clearly making them cry yeah they ain't doing blaming

her yeah they ain't doing it themselves yes they are let me tell you something when i go if i go on five dates in a row five dates in a row and i take and i take this woman to each woman to the same restaurant each time after we leave the restaurant they go take a massive shit yeah it's me it's my restaurant choices i am fucking up they bowels it's i gotta go let me take you across the street to a less shitty environment right now you're giving them the doe eyes you're probably saying key words that are triggering that you don't understand what you need to do is lean into it when these people start crying you gotta go yeah tell me what you're crying about little bitch and they're gonna be like what anyway yeah get that shit out today

because i don't want to deal with it tomorrow let's cry let's talk about it and you never know but if they cry in front of me yes i don't want to talk to him after i'm with you but portia what lamorne is saying is you're grossed out by it but push through it and maybe there's something hot on the other side well he's also saying and we're both trying to figure out his shit analogy but i think it's a good one which is if you are upset with people shitting on the date all the time change locations that's right right so he's saying you know he's saying you're doing something. Yes. I don't know if I'm into that. I'll be honest. Who cried like that?

Because, Lamorne, any restaurant you go to, you take a shit. Not everyone. What are you talking about? How often do you shit, my king? I don't shit at restaurants. You're saying they have explosive diarrhea during the date? Because... Or, you know, you kind of said, like, they go home and they take a big dump.

Right after we eat at this restaurant. Are you talking about him actually sitting? Every time you eat, what happens about X amount of hours later? I mean, X amount of hours

the body digests and processes. Yeah. But I'm saying, if five... Let me tell you something. I've been on a million dates in my life.

You know what's never... Probably a million and one. False. But you know, okay, maybe 12. Maybe 12. But you know, you know what doesn't happen? What?

After those dates, they go, can I use the restroom real quick and blow it the fuck up. Or you don't know. They might go home and do it. Or you don't know. Or they just do sprays and they do it fast. No, no, no, no, no, no. You can always tell. You can always tell.

How? The shame on their face when they walk out. If they don't have that shame yeah that mean they didn't they know they didn't just fuck up your toilet do you have shame if you fuck up someone's toilet are you proud of it absolutely if it's one of my boys i'm proud of it i leave the door open and i let them know i left you a little gift if i'm at a if i'm at a lovely young lady's home and i have to really ultimately go, I apologize in advance. Or do you do the fake shower?

Yeah. You ever do the fake shower? No, I'm not going to walk into a motherfucking house and just shower. You know, next thing you just be like, I'm going to take a quick shower. Have you done that, Derek? Yes. You're serious? Absolutely.

Yeah. What happens? You just sometimes you're like, hey, I'm going to take a shower real quick. Turn the shower on. You go to the bathroom and then you go like this, hey, no no no you set it up oh you know yeah you feel rumbling so you're starting to tee up the story a little bit man it's just so hot so hot yeah you know something like that that's gross but respectful but what if she's like let's shower together then you're like i'm taking a shit you got it you just come clean at the end for real yeah if you're at some oh this reminds me of the new girl story with the uh winter things the winter wonderland oh god it's so bad

but i have to tell you guys i have to let you guys know season one we were doing a thing where it was like a christmas episode we're all stuck in a car together and uh it was away from a toy we're on location so location's hard. There's a porta potty somewhere. But you got to leave set. It's a whole thing. And in the middle of it, it was me, him, and Max in the back. And Max and I were being bullies. And Lamorne was in the middle.

Oh, we used to nickname you Porcelain Morris. And Lamorne started going as if he got shot. And that's not a joke. It went like, will you do it? I'm not going to lie to you. It was painful because all of a sudden the cramp hit me. And I went, ooh. Fuck.

Like a soldier who got shot. But we weren't near a medic. But I tell you why I was doing that. Because the director of that episode was on some bullshit. Who was it? I don't remember. All I remember was they did a shitty job that moment. Because they kept saying let's go again yes let's go again let's go i was like what the fuck we going this many times for i gotta take a shit yeah but and i didn't i didn't

want to express that initially but just to me and max just to you and then max jake one jake is he just continued to talk about it yeah max was of course physically tickling my belly of course no friends no listen if me and you are sitting on the couch together and you know I got to take a shit, let me tell you what you don't want to do. It's tickle my belly. Because when I shit, it's everybody's problem.

The shrapnel going to hit you. The bits were worth it because Lamorne was clearly going like, ugh, stop it. And then we were like, but he's right. But also, it was as if we were like, wait, this isn't as serious as you're making

he's like everybody shut the fuck up and then we're like the end of it you just have to take a dump no no no you had too much curry at lunch this is different what this is different it was at the tip ah it was like you know how it like goes through its tunneling turtling it was it was the turtle was coming out of the shell it It was, exactly. You should have told me you were going to take a shower. That's what I'd do. I got to go take a shower. I got to go take a shower real quick. So, Portia, here's what, going back to you here. I think you've got to lean in on the date,

and I think you have to shame these dudes. Because if guys are crying around you, maybe you got the big doughy eyes. Maybe you got a sweet face. Maybe your vibe is just so warm and nice that they feel like you know we're all holding it in we all got big emotions but what you need to say is if you're gonna be that guy let's get through date six yeah shame it a little bit and let this guy know that is not attractive to me i am not into that how are you meeting these

guys pors at recovery meetings. Weep festival. The criers are mostly on dating apps. I would also put on your dating profile, not looking for a first date crier. Something like that.

I'm serious. Something like that that is a big, bold disclaimer. That's also going to prompt a follow up on the day. So your dating profile, what is that all about? Or you're going to go back and forth in the messages about it. It just gets it out there. And then they could laugh about it. And then what you're kind of talking about is the kind of guy you're looking for. Yes. Oh, I'm sorry. Denzel Washington's raising him. Denzel, what do you think? Nothing wrong with a little emotion. You understand what I'm telling you?

I said there's nothing wrong with a little emotion. Here's what you do with those tears. Yeah, you use those tears to grow. Because what happens at the end of a rainfall? Beautiful flowers, green, green grass, lush, lush landscaping. That's what's going to happen to you. Let them cry. And Denzel, really fast, do you like the Le Morning After podcast?

I got to admit, it's one of the greatest podcasts of all time. You understand? Because what they're doing on that podcast is they're setting people up for the future. Hope. When I listen to that podcast, I get hope. Sometimes when I'm in a place of despair, I go and put on the Le Morning After. pull up for the future hope that power i listen to that podcast i get hope yeah sometimes when i'm in a place of despair i go and put on the little morning after and it becomes the morning after pill the cure you understand yeah yeah thank you so much for coming it's not denzel

but it's just me so damn it i don't want to come back what do it all right porsche full disclosure uh denzel washington is not joining us. So, Portia, what do you think of on your dating app making a joke which is going to make you a funnier type person and saying what your wants are, somebody friendly and fun and sweet. I love dogs. Don't want to cry, guy. Blah, blah, blah.

What do you think of that? I kind of really like that i think my dating apps like they lean funnier anyway like i i make a lot of jokes on them already and then maybe that can make it lead to a conversation where they're like so is that also a joke and i can be like no actually that one was very real please don't cry i think that makes a lot of sense i think you're gonna win there we to go out now. We're ending. We want to thank the biggest friend of this show that

we've got. I agree. Thank you. We don't have a friend of the show as sweet as Mr. Lamorne Morris, a.k.a. Garrett Morris in the new SNL. Do you have a Garrett Morris yet? Do I have a Garrett Morris yet? Are you working on The Voice?

Yeah I'm working on it Can we hear what you got And it'll be fun for the audience When they see it later? It's pretty good It's a little bit like that man Okay Portia Are you gonna take our advice

On the app? I am gonna take your advice On the app Will you send us A screen grab After you've changed it And we will block out the name And we will post it

Along with this episode? Absolutely And are you gonna listen After this When you listen to your own things Send it to your friends And go like after you've changed it and we will block out the name and we will post it along with this episode. Absolutely. And are you going to listen after this? When you listen to your own things, send it to your friends and go like, Oh my God, I was on it. Are you then going to all listen to the little morning after podcast?

Cause Jake's going to be on it right away. Yes. I'm going to listen to the little morning after, and I, all my friends are going to have a listening party for this. That's right. So we thank you for the call. Before you go,

before you go, just one last piece of advice. You don't have to take this advice. Next time the person tears, they cry, next time they cry a little bit, use it as lubrication. That's our time, y'all. Thank you, Porsche. You can really ignore the end there or take it if you want. I like that you, that's our time

call yourself at this point. Use it as Luper. That's our time, y'all. Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science-backed language learning app that actually works, which I find to be very important. Science backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor.

They come over. They're like asking for snacks. They're being annoying. There are even waste hours on apps that don't really help. We're here to help. And Babbel is going to help you. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations. So, Jake, for instance, if you want to learn, I started relearning French through Babbel a little bit. Yes, because I used to know French, but then I don't know French, but it's still there. You know what I like about it is that it's got a speech recognition technology. Yep.

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Like when I think back to taking French, it was just like so much of it was like, I'm never going to do that. It's like, how do you order food? How do you get a drink?

How do you ask for directions? But so Babbel's great. Now listen, listen, everybody. Should we bring him in? Wait, one quick pause. Should we bring in the closer? Studies from Yale, this is interesting, Michigan State University and others

prove that Babbel is better. So one study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college. So if that's true, which Yale's no joke, it's just putting schooling in a different light. Yes. If you spend 15 hours, let's say you didn't go to college, and you always feel like, well, I don't know.

I didn't go to college. 15 hours, you just did a semester. Yeah. That's wild. Yes. That's a wild study. So speaking of language, should we bring in the closer or should i do it closer all right hold on let's get him kevin doors open all right oh you meant gill yeah

i meant kevin what kevin was gonna do it no i thought we were talking about the closer the we were he parked in front of all our cars so might as well. We can't leave. Well, what's the problem? Go ahead. So that old jalopy is Gil's? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. Nah, keep it running. It's bad for something. A lot of smoke. I'm pausing a serious XM. Now, listen. Here's a special limited

time deal for our listeners. Right now, get 55% off your Babbel subscription. But only for our listeners. This isn't for people who don't listen, like Laura from one of the calls earlier. These are standalone? At Babbel.com slash HTH. Jake, let me finish. Get 55% off Babbel.com

slash HTH. Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash H-T-H. We're gonna want you to Babbel. We want you to Babbel. I'll tell you what, I don't want to Babbel your ear off. I gotta go back to the jalopy rules and restrictions this episode is brought to you by zocdoc zocdoc is a free app and website where you can search and search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online.

Garth, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because, as you know, my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement, and it was crazy. It was a crazy situation, and there were so many times, so many things like complications were popping up. And there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly, somewhere close. You use ZocDoc.

Yeah. You would use ZocDoc because it's just so much harder if you're just like, you know, like using search engines to try to find someone. And then you call. Do they take your insurance? But the problem has it's all there that. The problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up. Yes.

And what I like, I actually use ZocDoc since we started doing it. I do like that it keeps it really clean and you can put all your information in. Yeah. Did you use ZocDoc for your knee? I did use ZocDoc for my knee, which I am going to get an MRI on.

Oh, you are? But we don't think it's a tear. That's the good news. But I am going to get an MRI. The doctor, you are? But we don't think it's a tear. That's the good news. But I am going to get an MRI. The doctor report back, it's just an old man's knee. It's actually pretty much what it sounded like. That's what a doctor said to me about my hips. I'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like, yeah, you're just the...

I've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this. Well, you're mid-40s, yeah? What a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on ZocDoc. But again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you. Treat basically, and again, you can get an appointment

quickly. You can also get it same day. That's absolutely right, Jake, if you're lucky. That's right. Gil Buchanan, 1s and 2s, 68 balmy. Don't worry about it. That's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother. You literally never left. Wherever the been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother. You literally never left. We're having the best time in the world.

Go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Did you hear how much that costs? Free. Free. That's right. And then find and book a top rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H. ZocDoc.com slash H-T-H. Hello.

Hi. Hi, how you doing? Good, how are you? Welcome to We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast. Don't look it up. I'm with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and you. Who are you? My name is Gracie.

Gracie. And your estimated age, gracie estimated age uh 24 give or take three months uh and where are you calling from give or take how many years they're crazy 25 yeah anyway just a rough range sure 24 give or take 40 years you should potentially be a baby this is wild no i i want you. By the end of the call, you guys can just kind of guess where I'm at in that range. Hey, Gracie, what diner off the highway are you currently waitressing at?

Gracie. By the end of this, you're going to guess. Hold on, honey. Are you on apple pie? And yes, you could smoke it here. We're out of cream. Because the year is 1974, darling. Where are you, Gracie? Ask Jay or not. Just saying. Ask Jay, please. I'm in New Haven, Connecticut. I think you, Gracie? You're not. Just saying. I'm in New Haven, Connecticut.

I think that adds to the lore. And can I get change for this dollar to play the jukebox that's currently at the table, that little weird one that's on the side? It's only a nickel? Yeah, that little nickel one? Absolutely, absolutely. But no, you can only pick Tom Jones. There's only Tom Jones. A dream diner. Perfect.

Well, what's going on gracie what can we help you with well okay so this narrows down my age a little bit so i'm a senior engineering student cool and so basically for engineering students like we don't do a thesis for our senior year we do like a capstone project for our last two semesters okay we can build literally whatever we want it just has to be like something useful and like novel like ideally a new concept cool and my problem is that me and my team of three other people keep getting rejected for our project ideas so we need your help coming up with a original idea so gracie you gotta you gotta help us first what were your other ideas well so our first idea which we were super pumped about

and we got immediately shot down was uh we were gonna make a shirley temple maker and i don't think they believe that we were gonna make shirley temples with it and so basically just so i understand because i like that you're talking about building right pretend i need you to see the inner me i'm a 70 year old guy in chicago who barely knows how to do email but gracie you're telling me you're going to build a robot? That's what engineers do? You're building robots, honey? Pretty much. Yeah, mechanical engineering.

Okay, mechanical robot makers. One of the things that you talked to your teachers about was making a Shirley Temple-making robot, and they said no. Is that correct? Yeah, we wanted it to be like an automated robot. Excellent. They made a mistake there? I'd have shot it down, I'll be honest you would have yeah wow let's keep swinging let's go

for the fences a little bit with the uh and then gracie will you give myself and audience members who are leaning towards my level of understanding i jake feel free to include me in what you're racing well oh no what were you gonna say i thought you're gonna say dumb it down dumb it down yeah why are you leaving me what do you think i know what's going on right now you said you didn't like the shirley temple i thought you were an engineer guy no no no no i'm an idiot okay so i just know i'm just a tastemaker i got so what are some of the things you make a pina colada i'm listening okay what are some of the things that your teachers would want well so well i mean i don't want to go like too fancy i'm not much of like a physics person like

most of my group we like just like building random shit but so the reason i want like to pick your brains about this because maybe you won't be the most like technically inclined people but thank you i like think like shark tank like like ideas that make your life more convenient. I'm Barbara. What's a little, like something, yeah, you're Barbara. Gareth, you're Mark Cuban. I go last. You've listened to the show.

Have you watched it on YouTube yet? I have a little bit, yeah. Mostly listen. I listen while I drive. I respect that. I'm the same way with podcasts. But who would we be in terms of Shark Tank, in your opinion? Yeah, forgetting what we just said.

And don't worry about our feelings. Cast it. Well, I mean, I think Jake, you're pretty spot on with Barbara. I think that's a pretty easy pick. Yeah. Yeah. Because Jake has no problem saying to someone, you're an agent of chaos and I don't do chaos. But also Barbara at the end always goes to like strong men.

I just want to get a hug. I think you guys, guys oh my they take off their shirt it's a robe company she goes i'll give you a million dollars for you to keep taking your robe off that's what i and she's also i do real estate i do this but i also don't know what she's adding to the table just kind of a yeah just she bought one lobster truck and here we are and she's made like a billion bucks off those guys and then they have to do little spots with She bought one lobster truck and here we are. That's like all she did on this show. And she's made like a billion bucks off those guys. And then they have to do little spots with her where they're like,

we've sold a billion rolls, but our profit margins are dog shit. And she's like, I'm swimming in lobster money. The updates. This is mainly B-roll. And then at the end, Barbara's just going to shout how she loves swimming in money. They're on the shore near their truck and she's on a yacht going like, keep selling my lobsters, you suckers.

I gave you $80 for 100% of your lobster boat. Everything you just said has happened. Yes, and it would happen to us if we pitched. Once they said you got two sharks, 100%, I'd go like, deal, deal. Who would Gareth be, Gracie? I don't know. I'm leaning towards Mr. Wonderful because of how critical he was of the Shirley Temple idea. But I don't see him as a Mr. Wonderful.

I won't be critical in perpetuity. Yeah, but all Mr. Wonderful pitches is the same thing. I'll give you one i want one dollar of every product for the rest of your life and then when you're dead i get 50 cents i'll tell you who gareth is robert yeah yeah i was gonna say damon it hurts but you're robert it hurts yes immigrants child of immigrants uh kind of weird but like it's annoying pretty quick like you know great vibe until you like keep digging and then you're like i'm gonna go but if there's anything where they're like so this is a

company that does like high heels robert will go i'll try them on yes and you're like yes they haven't even finished and then in the background of the pitch you just see like robert i'm like a zumba he's not gonna fit in those hold on then they on. So this is women's underpants. And then all of a sudden he's like, give me a minute. He's got them on his head. Robert, you're actually hurting their pitch. I made it about me super quick. Oh, totally.

That hurts. Who would Kevin be? Damon? I think. No, he would be one of the guests who comes in for like one hour. You know, like Ashton Kutcher does an episode. Yeah, right. You would be somebody who came in but didn't make any offers.

He's Bethany Watson, the woman who came up with the skinny martini. Yeah. From The Real Housewives. I'm the guy who opens the really big door just out of shock. That is so fucking funny. And you interview them afterwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kevin's the guy who's just like, all right, three, two, go. So fucking funny. That is it. And you interview them afterwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kevin's the guy who's just like, three, two, go.

Yes. Okay. You'll hear the music. Start walking when I point to you, though. Excellent. All right. So now we got it. So then really quickly, pitch us a little bit of what they like.

Just so we have a... And I know we know what you want from us sharks, right? You want some fun, crazy ideas. But we got a win here, Gracie. If we're going to put equity in this company and you want two sharks together, you want Robert and Barbara on this. Well, we got to figure out what the market is, who's winning, and then we could pitch on it.

But we are going to want 51% of the company. I agree. That is so true. I totally get that. You know, we're going to, we got all the evidence right here. You guys are the entire creative process. Thank you, Gracie. You're an agent of chaos and we don't do chaos gracie so gracie

tell us this do you have any comp when we say in terms of shark tank they talk about competition right if you want shelf space at the grocery store who are your competitors so what are they looking for and that we're going to refer to as your competition what do these teachers want what's your competition well so they they ideally want like i have a buddy from who he's graduating this semester and he since last semester he's been working on like 3d models of like a shoulder joint like like for the nursing students okay so he's 3d printing that so they can like study that so like i don't know they love like that scientific stuff okay now i get it so it's they they want things that are going to. She's brain shaming us right now,

Jake. Yeah, but what they. She's brain shaming. They want to, no. Yeah, you are.

Hey, Robert, cool it. I'm just putting the high. No, you became Mr. Wonderful. We might've just,

you labeling me, Robert might've changed the show's trajectory. I pretend to be mark cuban yeah and sometimes like when my movie was coming out we would be like he's mark cuban but i'm barbara yes it is a it's a podcast of barbara and robert yes man and and man and robert goes number one podcast. And Barbara goes, stop saying that. It's painfully accurate what has happened here. 68 and Balmy. 70 and Sonny. Ugh.

We got to. All right, I quit. I'm done with the podcast. I can't figure out if the door is push or pull. And you're just hearing rattling. I'm going to give proof on that one. Our Rachel Bilson, Olivia Allen episode. The reason it's all in weird shots and our Instagram quality is bad is because the cameras weren't.

They were on. They just weren't technically recording anything. The cameras were on. They just fooled me into thinking they were recording. So, Gracie, are you sure you want pitches from this version of Shark Tank? You're going to get them.

Because you're not talking to Cuban and Laurie. This is really fishbowl. This is hungry fish. Carnival fishbowl. Listen, give me the wackiest stuff you can think of. like incidences in your life ideally i want to be a millionaire so do we not gonna happen okay what are your hobbies my hobby oh i love woodworking so anything woodworking i'm a woodwork guy myself too

there's maybe an invention in here that could help i'm a we work guy what do you what do you make with wood i've built desks uh i'm currently working on beams to put in the like ceiling like a vaulted ceiling in my house like nothing to intricate yet i only just got like i'm just building up i'm go ahead barbara i have a pitch go ahead barbara oh okay all right i'm sorry to interrupt, but you just looked. She hasn't even said if she likes my idea yet. I'm out on Robert. The saddest part is when somebody goes like, I will give you the, you're asking, right?

$250,000 for 18%. And the person goes, thank you so much. Mark Cuban, would you go down to 30%? Mark, I'll pay you to work with me. By the way, I've never seen robert and barbara team up no imagine those are the two sharks you walk out with that's why it works that's why that's why it works um in that little post interview with kevin i'm so excited i got two sharks uh i came in here really hoping it was gonna be robert and barbara never you see

robert swimming in the fish tank behind him i mean what the fuck is this guy doing at this point it wears barbara she's again just bragging about those stupid robert has no money how is he here it's all black because i don't have the cameras on it's just audio it's just the sound okay wait what was your so here's my pitch i too am a woodworker gracie and a lot of the stuff i do i end up doing alone right and part of the stuff when you throw beams up is and i've done it the big goddamn beam and it's heavy and you need sometimes you don't want to like call a friend or hire somebody so you could create something that is a carpenter's assistant or a hobbyist and that is a funny looking robot hobby buddy with like a mustache and overalls or a wig and like overalls and it's a woman however you want they also have music that plays out of them

they because you also need music in their their stomach. You open up as a refrigerator. Uh huh. It can it can. You can also step on it like a ladder or you can move its arms up and it could hold beams in place. I got an idea, too. How about you shout a number at it?

It will repeat it so that if you measure what? Yeah, you can then say 32, and then let you measure length. What was with you also AI a little bit in its brain so that you go like, what's the area of this? Yeah. Right. And it goes like 64.

Yep. And then you go like, if I wanted to do a beam, cause a lot of times you'll go like when I was doing a roof on a little cabin, I'd go like, what's the slope I should do. And then it would go,

it's gotta be two inches down. So you just go like, and you name it, you go like,'ll go like what's the slope i should do and then it would go it's got to be two inches down so you just go like and you name it you go like hey alf what's the uh what's the version here that works and it goes like you're gonna want like a a three degree and you go like all right i'll do that all right everybody and you can also say you know because it gets boring you can go like got any good stories and you could program jokes you can program stories you could also go like you recommend any podcast and it goes like yes we are here to help we own equity in it so you know we're going back to shark tank here's what they always say your product would work great because I currently have a product that I do weddings yes we've sold over a hundred million of these and your weird gouda cheese

works in our photo booth idea yeah so we program we're here to help so that while you're working you just go like great name for it too we're here to for the hobby buddy yes it's there to help yeah i'm here to help no it would be the prompt would the prompt would be play america's number one podcast agreed but the name of the thing could be here to help yes so you create the hth and here's how you make more money off it grace is it just for woodworking if you want to go small market but you want barbara and robert it's also a mother's helper a father's helper It's around the house. You do a version and maybe we'll get Mark Cuban in here. You go to frat houses and it could be like the keg stand helper, keg stand helper.

It could also be like the keg filler upper. Yeah. It could also be the keg. Yes. Move the keg. So you're creating a robotic helper that each person could have options of what they want to program within it. What do you think? I mean, that sounds pretty good. I like it.

Especially for the woodworking, because I'm not looking forward to putting up those beams. How achievable is something like that? I think the multi-purpose aspect is we can keep it narrow. Let's target one audience. Hold on, but you start small. Gracie, when I first came

on to Lobster Boys, these were two guys who sold lobsters. Jake, what's happening? Because you're Jake and you're talking about a Barbara thing? I'm Barbara. Okay, that's better. I just can't commit to the voice. I think we all like it when you do, to be quite honest. Gracie, when I started, it was two guys in a van selling hot lobsters out of their butt cracks.

Their total sales were $80. I said, you're good enough to eat anything out of that butt cracks. Their total sales were $80. I said, you're good enough to eat anything out of that butt crack. I would eat a raw lobster with its shell on those butt cheeks, and I would because I'm an animal. I lived at the bottom of a swamp for three years in 1961. We cut 20 minutes ago. I eat alligators while they're alive. Barbara, Barbara, Barbara.

I fought a grizzly bear when I was 94, Barbara, Barbara. I fought a grizzly bear when I was 94 and I won. I am a grizzly bear. So here's what I would say. Keep the pitch clean at the beginning. All that shit I pitched. Go ahead. Well, I think that's right. I think what Jake's talking about is when they always talk about having a line.

That's your follow-up. That's your like, hey, and I think we could do it. But right now, you're a hobby. You're not a business. I think, right. Jesus Christ. It's too early for an investor. I think I met the guy who's watched more Shark Tank than me.

I think the things that were helpful, right, was the beam helping, the idea of being able to give you a measurement repeat. You name it, Woody. You name it, Woody You name it Woody. I like that. That's huge. Okay. Okay. And if you did do a line, each one could be named different.

Agreed. You know what I mean? Barbara. Barbara. Robert is the buddy for the guys. Barbara is the one that just rolls. Oh, you could also do like the grandma version. Yeah, right.

Let's just stay on Woody. So Woody helps you lift beams. Woody helps you color measurements. Yeah. Woody would have like- stay on woody so what so woody helps you lift beams woody helps you numbers measurements yeah uh woody also you put all your tools because one of the most annoying things about woodworking and i know you can relate gracie is you go where the fuck did i put that drill bit well everything is in woody why don't we have woody have a magnet belt yeah things like that there you go you got a little tool belt yes And it's magnetized

so that you basically just pop it on there and it's easy to rip off. But so all the tools are these and then you could say, you could also say to Woody, because here's a real pain, you're hammering something in and you go, hey Woody, I need two three inch nails and the hand picks it out of the little

belt and hands it to you. How about this too? If you can, now this is maybe getting a little crazy, but Woody has a laser that points to where the hammer is going to hit. And so Woody, in one hammer smack, can put a nail into

a board. Yeah, it could be. It's got to be held in. Now that's, I think, for the premium model. So Robert's a tech guy. Robert came from a Lithuanian family with no money. My parents were immigrants. We lived on latkes. They were janitors. We were janitors.

And not you. You were just a little boy in school. I'm not a janitor. I'm wearing high heels because that's what your pitch is. Help me, Jake. I'm drowning in Barbara's lobster ocean. I've had 740 lobsters today. The boys made no money on it. The doctor says that I'm pink like a flamingo because I've only eaten shells. So, Grace, what do you think about your pitch being Woody, the woodworking helper? Yes.

I'm very into this. Great. Because I know personally it would be very helpful. And you have passion for it. You know the problems you're trying to solve. Hey, Gracie, when you build this, I want you to come back to us and I want you to pitch to us the product on a fucking zoom with Woody.

And then guess what? We might raise some money and goddamn invest in it. And we might become real shark. Jake stand. Barbara's standing up on the Ottoman. just so you know. I'm gonna take this like I took those lobster rolls Gracie and you're gonna end up watching me eat them on my yacht.

We got a little great there at the end Barbara but it was really good up until then. Gracie will you do that? Will you give us a dry run of the pitch when you're ready? Absolutely. Absolutely I will. Gracie thank you for the call. Thanks, Gracie. Thank you guys. Appreciate it. Producer and editor is A.J. McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruyne.

The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.