We're Here to Help - 54: The Barn Boys with Jonathan Scott

Episode Date: February 19, 2024

Jake, Gareth, and special guest Jonathan Scott talk to callers about weird rituals and a midlife crisis purchase. Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] the video episodes of the podcast at Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodCheck out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com!If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPodAdvertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

all right jake wearing the headphones gott, we're here to help. We are back for Paul. Jake getting insecure about the headphones. Damn it. We got a great show. Buddy boy, we sure do. We have a special one. This is great. I think, you know, we definitely sometimes when people come on the show, we don't know

what to expect. And I mean, today was just a killer. Well, I knew to expect we've got the great Jonathan Scott. Yes. The future husband of my dear friend and co-star Miss Zoe Deschanel. And without question, our favorite property brother. It's not even close. We hate Drew.

We're not Drew guys. We're just not. We like Drew. But we do. But Jonathan was so great. Well well i knew he's a man of mystery because everything he kind of does uh in terms of his shows you can tell he's always producing he's always moving i knew he's i know he's a magician i know he does martial arts he's like a black belt in taekwondo uh he does everything he's a he's a renaissance man he

really is and he is uh is extremely helpful on the show. Yes, he is. But we're trying something new on this one because we ended up just chatting after because I wanted to ask him a little bit about Zoe, and I wanted to give him a little bit of a compliment because she's an old friend. So at the end of this, stick around after both calls. We do like a little fireside chat. Yeah, a little fireside chat with our man our

new best friend yeah so favorite property brother yeah so uh follow everything jonathan does you obviously already do you everybody knows who he is yep enjoy it gareth reynolds.com yeah starting my tour february 26th uh basically through april 7th on and off i'm going everywhere so go there for tickets and lamorne morris is looking good in that photo. Man, you miss him? Yeah. Yep. He texts a lot. Right.

The Lamorne and After Show is also a podcast which is now our competition. Yeah, so. And I know that because he sent me a photo of his show doing better than our show

on Apple Podcast and he said the people have spoken. Suck it. Well, fantastic. And I told that fool when we started we were topping the charts and he said take it easy i was joking um so yeah support that go watch the episodes on youtube

follow us on social media and especially youtube on this one because we do have uh some photos that you'll see why there is a visual moment but even if you are somebody who, because I am not a YouTube watcher. Right. So I do listen to my podcast on my phone when I'm working out. Okay. But just do us a favor. Check on YouTube.

Fast forward to the part you want to see because Jonathan shows a photo of something that is relevant. And crazy. And totally insane and sticks with me. And without further ado, enjoy the show, everybody. Ones and twos. That's right. and totally insane and sticks with me and without further ado enjoy the show everybody hi hi can we get your name please my name is julia julia julia i am and julia where are you

calling from um i'm calling from oakland california, cool. And how old are you, Julia? I'm 29. 29. So you got a special one. You've got the great Jonathan Scott with us. You're welcome. A relatively new friend who I've met through an old friend, Zoe, but a hell of a likable guy and somebody we're really happy is here. Jonathan, thanks for joining, man.

I am willing to bring my wealth of useless information welcome to the show it's a low bar we've set here as far as being able to help so anything you do will be good so julia the floor is yours what's up so i'm gonna i'm planning to move in with my boyfriend later this year okay and um recently i like i heard this story and it really stuck my head it was about like this guy who like as exercise he walked around his house on all fours just every day like for 20 minutes so the hemp and that's not a joke is that right the like are you talking about like a weird kind of crawl on all fours because you're really using your core

yeah you guys are looking at me like I'm crazy. What you're saying is crazier. Crazier. Yeah, crazier. You guys are looking at me like I'm crazier. This is a thing. Just imagine a chick around his house telling his wife he's Hemsworth-ing.

Honey, can you get up? I Hemsworth to the fridge. I get a bite to eat. I Hemsworth back to the couch. I don't know if you eat pasta. It sounds sexy. It's like belt sanding naked yeah not sexy yeah things are shaking well but that's why you add hemsworth because if you said the johnson you go by the way just he just goes on all fours throughout his house and he does the sloppy johnson you heard about the sloppy johnson that's where he eats pasta while bear crawling in his house?

Fucking boner time. No, for you? Julia. Not for us. We are in the presence of a lady here. Yes, and the caller. So, Julia, you heard a story about a guy who goes on all fours to exercise. Well, yeah.

And so I was like, wouldn't it be wild if you were moving in with somebody and you found out they had that weird thing that they do every day? And so then I realized wild if you were like moving in with somebody and you found out they had like that weird, like this weird thing that they do every day. And so then I realized that I'm about to move in with somebody and I have the opportunity to give him this wonderful experience. But I don't want to walk around on all fours. That's right. It's like that doesn't seem right to me. He would never believe that that was like something that I just usually did, you know. So I was trying to think of something else so basically the idea here is julia you could freak out the significant other you're moving in with

by creating something that he doesn't know yet you can play a good little prank first of all yeah you're my hero yes we're all proud this is amazing we're all proud of you what about what about something less exercise and more you have a fake doll that lives with you i've actually met somebody who had a fake baby that they would take around in a car in a car this is good that's great what about but it could be like a grown-up one and you could say it's my roommate and you treat it like it's totally real you could even call it jake yeah interesting let's let's be honest it's a great first pitch it really is because i i mean even in my like limited experience going through like a toy store they do have those kind of bigger like like you've never had a sex doll my god

but if you put it in a pram it's adorable you see the spin this guy does yeah it's like a big thing in a maid's outfit that one can be on top of you can power wash it it's the usual it's fine but really gotta be dishwasher safe so julia here's where we've started cascade this idea that there is a version of a doll that you have and love jonathan said the idea of uh jake he had told a story about early on about uh when he was first birthed his brother had uh been sitting on his head and smushed his skull so when he came out he had a mushed head you could create the idea of like the you twin doll that you've always had with like a really scary smushed head so that you know because if you want this to be believable if you go far he's gonna know it's a bit but what we want is

him to believe yeah this is now part of his life yeah i have more backstory. I have great backstory. It turns out you had a twin in your shoulder. Oh, no. And one of those. And don't worry, the teeth are still there inside, but the rest of it absorbed into your body. And so you grew up with this doll that is representative of your twin. This is phenomenal. And that just gives you a little bit more backstory to make it believable.

Before we go on this road, because this could be interested, Julia, if we're going to pitch on this, I need to know, is there a chance you what's what's your boyfriend's name? Or what should we call him? Call him Charlie. Charlie. So is there a chance that Charlie could believe that you had a shoulder twin, which I guess would be a version of conjoined. How long have you been together? A little over a year.

I feel like I would have mentioned that. I don't know. I feel like a year you could still get away with shoulder twin. But I feel like 18 months were past. But I don't want to go down a road that she then says at the end. Okay. I'm not so. Okay.

Have you ever had a shoulder pimple that could pass for teeth? the skin yeah these are good questions no unfortunately i want to tease you my man but you're coming out on fire i know it's really it's fucking a man it's hard to pour water on this i mean i keep wanting to say this is getting too crazy go away from shoulder twin do you have a weird pimple on your shoulder that could be the spot of the shoulder twin julia um and my only thought too is like if it's a big doll like he has been to my apartment before you know i mean he would have seen something like that but i mean if it were something small what does he go through every drawer and every that that's another red flag right there i also think you have the freedom to say you had some stuff in storage and now that you're moving in with each other you brought a couple things out of storage i think you have the freedom to say you had some stuff in storage, and now that you're moving in with each other,

you brought a couple things out of storage. I think you're weird. Now that I have a bigger space. Okay, so we've got weird doll. We can go back and keep pitching on that. I'm sensing a little hesitation. She's pushing back. Let's go to a second pitch.

Let's go to a second pitch. All right. Gareth, you got anything? You got something? Well, so you were talking about weird exercises. So I will say when you move in with somebody for the first time there is a lot that does get discovered there is a newness to it yeah so we do have the crawling on all fours when you're entering that world maybe we create a

morning routine for you that you might only pull off for a day or two before you break. Yes. But is shocking and disgusting and just makes him do. Go ahead. Is the coffee enema at the beginning of the routine or the end of the routine? That's exactly right. Technically the end. That you have things that you do that early in the morning or. Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee. Are you willing to put java in your anus?

Will you? The amount of times I've heard that in this business, man, that takes me back to when I first moved here. That's how you got New Girl. Liz Merriweather's first thing. Can you say any lines? No. Are you willing to put Java in your anus?

Absolutely. Yeah, of course. Do I sign the contract? You know, when you test for a pilot, you sign first. Yeah, absolutely. So what do you think about if we created a weird morning or two? We need more from you, Julia. What do you want this thing to be?

Give us some rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I mean, I think like routine, you know, because I was trying to think about things and like a doll is a good idea. I mean, I think it would work if it were like, you know,

if it were something that, you know, reasonably I maybe could have had the whole time, like something small, like a little like troll doll or something. Troll doll's great. The more creepy lifelike the better yes yeah you can you could have you could just if you wanted to do like troll dolls you could get like eight of them you know what we could do here's a weird play we create this idea that you have this twin doll

you've had it since you're a kid it was as a smash head it could be called jake you know what to connect both of the ideas you do not mention it to him but in his area that like you know when you move in there's going to be a part of the closet that's his you clear stuff out you wait until he goes what's this and you without breaking go like jake and she goes what is it and you go oh i've never that's like very significant for me that is good and he goes he'll laugh or feel uncomfortable and you need to play dead serious this is my twin doll i've had it since i was a baby i love it oh here's what we could do we make it disgusting and you say this will be given to my first child. Oh, yes. And this will be passed on because it means a lot, and it was given to me by my parents. And we create, like, a disc, and it, like, make it smell weird,

rub it in mustard. You can run it over with a car, put it in some mud. Yeah, a little mustard in the hair. What do you think of something like this, Julia? Is this something you could commit to? Yes, actually. I mean, it's kind of, I do have sort of, like, weird collections of toys.

Okay. That one would have been, like. I mean, it's kind of, I do have sort of like weird collections of toys. Okay. That one would have been. I like that backstory. Do you like the backstory of the twin? Yeah. Okay, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think if you can pull it off with serious face.

Yes. It'll go a long way. But what is something, if we do the twin, what is something about you and your life, Julia, that we could connect this doll to that's going to make Charlie. that's gonna make jonathan's doll shopping by the way no i have a doll what color hair do you have by the way that's like

light brown i literally have the doll it was on an episode of property brothers and i came across it and it was under the bed and i pulled it out i'm like it's a life-size creepy as fuck doll and i pulled it out and that it was exactly what we're talking about this woman said she's had it was her best friend as a kid she's had it her whole life i i literally have a picture here somewhere of it and which is not very effective in a podcast but if we get it who cares i have and you say life size what are we talking here when i lifted lifted it, it was like five feet tall. Okay, so Julia, just to be clear then, if there's a world where, and Jonathan, do you have that doll? Do you have access to it or no?

I don't have the doll. I have the photograph, but I'm sure it exists. Do you want, are you thinking something five feet tall or are you thinking something small? I mean, I'm about to move to San Francisco, so I'm probably going to have a pretty small apartment. Five feet might be a little. So when he finds this photo, we're going to pull it up as a reference for you? I think either way, it's a parting gift.

But when you think of, when we were pitching the twin thing, one of the things that could really spook Charlie out is if whatever the backstory is truly connects to your life yeah in ways that it's it's almost too real that he's not allowed to laugh oh i mean honestly i i cannot wait hold on gareth is looking at the photo of the doll okay so we'll send you a photo after julia i i don't really know how to describe the doll other than the fingers are disproportionate to the rest, which is not good. The doll is haunting. The doll has a bit of a red face.

It has sort of Julia Louis-Dreyfus hair. It looks like a small witchy Julia Louis-Dreyreyfus with again the fingers are shockingly long also a shocking expression a shot just a very off-putting but i will say with the backstory that we're talking about jake's having a look with the backstory that we're talking about is particularly it kind of would line up so well um oh so this is shocking and this is really good i'm glad you showed this your react the way you said that you just played nonchalantly oh how do you not know about yes oh did i never tell you this yeah but julia here's the other catch with this doll that i like and this is a different direction that i was pitching i was pitching

like scary doll from like the movie Annabelle. What's great about this is that's a little person. Yeah, and the hands are so problematic. Like, but that's close enough. The fingers are so problematic. Like even whoever designed this like had some idea, but somebody must have been like,

why is each finger a hot dog? I'm not going to lie. The husband in this episode that we did, he hated the doll and she would not get rid of it it's pretty good he hated it oh my lord i really think i mean again yes i think we i if i were you and you want to go absolutely fucking crazy a doll like what jonathan just showed is really. I will buy the doll for you. I will buy the doll and send you the doll. Out of the Property Brothers budget, you get the weird Julia

Witch Dreyfuss. Julia, I have a pitch for you based on what we just saw, and it might change a little bit, and it's going to make you a fucking weirdo to him, which is the point. Yes. So, what really scares me about that doll, like, if I went to a woman's house and that was under the bed yeah that would scare me honest to god to my butt absolutely that would

like really fuck with me yes if i moved in with a woman after a year and i saw that fucking weird doll i would go on a tailspin so here's what i'm pitching we figure out a way to get you a doll that looks just like you and is very realistic and you have like a little you doll but it seems as real as that so it's not like a fucking weird it and i i think maybe we go bigger than a little like if it could be the size that that doll was and production if we can find it we'll send it to you yes but if we can put under your bed a four foot doll that weighs like 65 here's what here's what i would do that shit is really scary it's awful it is it's awful it's like if you saw a smell but i also want him the first time he looks under your bed to scream

because he thinks it's a person well what i would do too is i want that moment i would parse out i would part if you're gonna do, I think, which you should. I was your friend. I would invite you strongly. Thank you so much. I'm sorry I misspoke. Legally when? I would parse it out.

So I would, you know, maybe two weeks before the move, I would explain this like it's a bit of a difficult secret for you. Just get the fact that this twin existed in your world. Explain how you do that. So you just go, look, there is something like. Jonathan, will you be Charlie? Do you mind? All right, I'll be Charlie.

What's up, babe? Do you mind if I do an affectation? Please. Should we be more affectionate if we're? I mean, well, look, we're about to move in together. Yeah, so this isn't even a big deal. But there is. I know. Just because we're getting serious and we're about to move in together. This isn't even a big deal. But there is... What is it? Anything?

I know. Just because we're getting serious and we're about to move in together, I did just want to tell you that I did have a strange thing happen before I was born. I had a twin. And the reason why you've never heard about her is because she didn't make it.

She was partially on me, attached to me. And this crazy as this is. Conjoined? Yeah. And it was like a head. And they're not sure what happened, if it just fell off or if I ate it in the womb. But I've always. If you ate your twin, it's so gross.

Where's that voice coming from? I'm in Julia's head. I'm in Julia's head. A weird neighbor who gets to say who he is. No, Julie, I'm just in your head. I'm in your head. Well, get out, motherfucker. Am I the neighbor?

Yeah. No, stay out. Stop. What the hell is he doing? Nothing. Nothing. Honey, are you losing it honey put me under the bed baby it's a very emotional experience i just wanted to tell you that because it really means a lot

to me and i just you know i love you and i haven't told you that yet so that's just something well should we have post-traumatic revelation sex now absolutely at least guess at least guess his neighbor is really weird i'm gonna can i give my third party unbiased opinion of the acting it was no it was it was totally middle of the road where it needed to be right yeah i was i prefer jake's proposal where she doesn't even say anything and then pretends that it's like. But I mean it. Because we heard it. I wanted to hear the setup.

All right. Okay. But I like that it's just there. I actually like that we go, I think we go size. I think we have to do Jonathan's size of a doll. And I think we put it under the bed and let him find it. Yeah. So that it's horror and then you double down and say like oh this why would I even bring it up I've had this forever I've got a follow-up yeah I love that yeah okay what if we do this if we really want to play the

long con a little bit more yes why don't you if he freaks out which he will if he's a human man uh why don't we then you suggest calling into our show to see who's right and we do a follow-up call where jake and i'll totally take your side to fulfill the prank on him fully that could be a fun second half so julia where are you at with this so so far we've given you the idea of creating, Jonathan came out hot with an idea of pitching a doll. We could go small. We could go kind of smashed head. And then we've kind of leaned into this idea that we went down the road of it could be a conjoined twin that used to live off your shoulder that maybe you ate. Probably.

Maybe pitch it beforehand. And then we've kind of ended with the idea of spending a little bit of money that's worth it for the bit. If we could also find something, we would send it to you. We'll help. If we can find it. Yeah. kind of ended with the idea of spending a little bit of money that's worth it for the bit if we could also find something we would send it to you we'll help uh if we can find it yeah but the idea of getting a pretty good sized doll yeah that looks pretty realistic just put it under your bed let him find it so then julia here's what we need you to do to make this real. Yeah. You do research and find the doll and then email Kevin. And I'll tell you, if you want an option, we have it. I mean, what we saw on Jonathan's phone was shocking.

Yes. Well, we don't have it. It belongs to some random lady. You know, we could do an episode with every picture on my phone because there's so much weird shit on my phone. This phone can never get stolen. Thank you for the call. Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel.

That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science-backed language learning app that actually works, which I find to be very important. Science-backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor. They come over, they're like asking for snacks, they're being annoying, or even waste hours on apps that don't really help. We're here to help, and Babbel is going to help you. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations. So, Jake, for instance,

if you want to learn, I started relearning French through Babbel a little bit. Yes, because I used to know French, but then I don't know French, but it's still there. You know what I like about it is that it's got a speech recognition technology.

Yep. Because the problem with learning a new language is if you sound like you're from another country. Yes. If it can actually help with the accent, that's a big ass turn. And applicable to situations you're going to find yourself in. Like when I think back to taking French,

it was just like so much of it was like, I'm never going to do that. It's like, how do you order food? How do you get a drink? How do you ask for directions? But so Babbel's great. Now listen, listen, everybody. Should we bring him in?

Wait, one quick pause. Should we bring in the closer? Studies from Yale, this is interesting, Michigan State University and others prove that Babbel is better. So one study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester in college. So if that's true, which Yale's no joke, it's just putting schooling in a different light.

Yes. If you spend 15 hours, let's say you didn't go to college, and you always feel like, well, I don't know. I didn't go to college. 15 hours, you just did a semester. Yeah. That's wild. Yes.

That's a wild study. So speaking of language, should we bring in the closer or should i do it closer all right hold on let's get him kevin doors open all right oh you meant gill yeah i meant kevin what kevin was gonna do it no i thought we were talking about the closer the we were he parked in front of all our cars so might might as well. Oh, we can't leave? Well, what's the problem? Go ahead. So that old jalopy is Gil's? Yes.

And you can turn it off, I guess. Nah, keep it running. It's bad for something. A lot of smoke. I'm pausing a serious accent. Now listen, here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners. This isn't for people who don't listen, like Laura from one of the calls earlier.

These are standalone? At Babbel.com slash HTH. Jake, let me finish. Get 55% off Babbel.com slash HTH. Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash H-T-H. We're going to want you to Babbel. We want you to Babbel. I'll tell you what.

I don't want to Babbel your ear off. I got to go back to the jalopy. Rules and restrictions. I have fun. This episode is brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Garth, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because as you know, my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement and it was crazy. It

was a crazy situation. And there were so many times, so many things like complications were popping up, and there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly, somewhere close. You use ZocDoc. Yeah, you would use ZocDoc because it's just so much harder if you're just like, you know, like using search engines to try to find someone, and then you call. Do they take your insurance? Yeah, but the problem also— ZocDoc has filters for all that.

The problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up yes and what i like i actually use zocdoc we since we started doing it i do like that it keeps it really clean and you can put all your information in yeah did you use zocdoc for your knee i did use zocdoc for my knee which i am going to get an mri on but we don't think it's a tear that's my knee, which I am going to get an MRI on. Oh, you are? But we don't think it's a tear. That's the good news. But I am going to get an MRI. The doctor report back, it's just an old man's knee. It's actually pretty much what it sounded like. That's what a doctor said to me about my hips.

I'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like, yeah, you're just the... He goes, I've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this. Well, you're mid-40s, yeah? Ugh, what a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on ZocDoc, but again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance, located near you, treat basically, and again,

you can get an appointment quickly. You can also get it same day. That's absolutely right, Jake, if you're lucky. That's right, Gil Buchanan, 1s and 2s, 68 balmy. Don't worry about it. That's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother. You literally never left.

We're having the best time in the world. Go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Did you hear how much that costs? Free. Free. That's right. And then find and book a top rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash h-t-h zocdoc.com slash h-t-h hello hi welcome to the show hi thank you can we get your first name please uh i am emily emily

uh where are you calling from emily i I'm calling from like central New York area. Sure. Central New York area. Very mysterious. Very general. Cool. I like that. And what's your sign?

I'm a Capricorn. Okay. Interesting. Favorite snack food real quick? I thought you were going to say yield for a second. I like a no pun. I like a street cleaning. And Emily, you got a special one today.

no pun i like a street cleaning uh and emily you got a special one today you've got obviously me and uh garf and then you've got mr jonathan so this will be who the hell is that the man who created property brothers and pulls his dead weight brother along for the ride. Yeah, Drew, for no reason, we're coming after you, you son of a bitch. Sit on my head? Yeah. You're never going to live in here. You sit on our guy's head?

Then we sit on your head. You're coming for your head, Drew. So all of a sudden, we have an enemy of a show for no reason. All right. And it's really weird. It's a very likable guy. I support this. Not a lot of people have civil war at the property.

Yes, exactly right. So Emily, thank you for the show. Drew, if you're watching, turn it off. Come on,

turn it off. We're coming for you. So Emily, what is the, uh, what is the problem? What can we help you with? All right.

Um, so I am excited about you, Drew, by the way. Did you just call me? Well, Emily, you blew it. I'm out. Oh, no, Jonathan. Jonathan. Jonathan.

Emily. Emily. Drew's the enemy. We're here to help. First of all, we're here to help you. You can't call a twin. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ.

We've got Jonathan. We hate Drew. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. We've got Jonathan. We hate Drew. I liked you so much. Yes, same. We hate Drew. We hate Drew. Okay, I'm on your feet.

Emily. No, you need to promise after this call, you call five people and get them hating. Yeah, it's like the ring. I will. Now, Emily, now because of your big blunder, you have to sing a quick song about your love for Jonathan and your hatred for Drew. All right. In three, two, one, go, Emily.

I love you so much, and I hate that Drew guy so much more. All right, now, Jonathan, is she forgiven? You know what? We're back where we were. Okay, Emily, what is the problem? She saved it. You saved it. All right, thank you. If it we were. Okay, Emily. What is the problem? She saved it. You saved it. Yeah.

Okay, thank you. If it happens again. Okay. I don't know what's going to happen. It's the end of the call. She's not going to say a name for the rest of the call. There's no way. Yeah.

All right, what's going on? I absolutely will not. Okay. So my husband is going through a midlife crisis, as we are calling it. And like your classic midlife crisis uh he wanted to make an absurdly expensive completely unnecessary purchase um and i eventually caved let him buy it but with the condition that i can get or do something similarly absurd for myself respect and i really need help figuring out what I want.

Okay, respect. Everyone is thinking the same thing as me right now. Yep. What was the purchase? Yeah, I agree. You really teased us. So he bought a kit to build a barn so he can build a barn right next to the freaking house.

I don't know if that's stupid. So he's going through an Amish life crisis? Hold on. Yachting will be erecting a barnyard. Emily, what's his name? Ezekiel. What's his name? No, Adam.

Adam. Great. Building a backyard little cabin or a barn. It's adding square footage, usable, functional square footage. Is that midlife crisis? Well, it's just very funny. It's very funny to picture like a Corvette. What's he, what he wants a threesome?

He wants to make a barn. I thought it was going to be like a Miata. Yeah. I've had the great Jonathan Scott in my backyard looking at my midlife crisis builds. I built a little cabin. Then you were in the area and you came and looked at like the little like porch area. You were doing great. You had your eye on the prize. was good thanks buddy but what's that what's

your concern with this yes why is this a midlife crisis is this not something that would add useful space to the whole family oh because he wants to fuck his new girlfriend in the barn well the barn because the barn is a part of america and the barn becomes his own country so either the barn has its own laws or the barn is like a 60s shack room we're just in a bunch of different he's in austin powers outfits in there you're like yeah baby so is part of the barn what is jonathan's right what's so bad about the barn emily emily you're up against three barn fans You done fucked up Emily By the way you just nailed us in the worst way We're all barn fans

Gross We're barn fans We're the barn boys We just became the least fuckable three guys The barn boys don't need to fuck we got each other If she called in We can build fencing If Adam called in and said I'm thinking of building a barn

We would all go do it Kevin why is this even a call We just want to take this guy out for sandwiches Can we help Real quick Emily is Adam there He sounds awesome He's not here for a good reason and it's for the barn

So This is like We're talking about a whole ass 30 foot by 60 foot pole barn. Huge 25 foot. It's humongous. Does he know what he's doing? No.

We don't build barns. Is he getting a permit? Yes. He's got that stuff figured out. How big is your lot? We have 80 acres. we got 80 acres we have 80 acres he wants to put it right next to the house what so why is he so dead set on it being right next to the house because heat and electricity so it makes sense okay well listen we're not here to cheerlead the barn. But hold on, Emily, because before we get to yours,

and we are on your team, just so you know, we're going to pitch a stupid shit for you. My pitch for hers is also a barn. You build a barn next to his barn. You build a bigger barn? You build a bigger barn. One foot bigger in every area. He's 60, you go 61.

Would you classify yourself as an anti-barnite? Mm-hmm. Are you a barn burner? No. We are in the country. There are lots of barns around. I don't understand why we have to build our own barn when you could, like, go to the neighbor barn.

Have you ever seen Field of Dreams? I think he's having a Field of Dreams, but with a barn. If you build it, they will come? Yeah. Again, with the shag shack. Yeah. Yeah. Again, with the shag shack. Yeah. Yeah. If you build it, they will come is the grossest way to think.

I'm not a barn guy anymore. I don't want a bunch of people. I've never been more in. I don't want people in mid-New York all coming in a barn. Well, because it's hard to get out of the straw. Yeah. Guys, stick to the tarp here's my question is i don't understand i agree with you i don't understand why it has to be right next to

the house because if it's just a matter of power you can just buy a longer cable to run power to the barn in its new location so is there a flat area that's maybe a couple hundred yards away from the house yes there's plenty plenty to choose from has he started building he took down trees by the house okay yeah so i'm starting to get more on emily's team here it's not just the barn it's kind of weird yeah it's like you don't have to be so close. Is he doing a zip line from the upper story window to the barn? That's a good pitch for yours. I'm back with Adam now. I'm a zip line guy.

All right, hon. I'm going to go to the barn. We have a zip line. Wait, go ahead, Emily. We have a zip line. You do have a zip line? We have a zip line. Fucking cool.

This barn is for not for equipment or animals it's for like circus stuff okay hold on you gotta lead out with that emily what does that mean what's that peasing and stuff so right now he is traveling like five hours away to pick up a an olympic trampoline okay we already have an olympic trampoline okay wait do you em Emily you do realize you buried the lead yes the midlife crisis is not the midlife crisis is not that he's building a barn

it's that he's building a circus it's that he's becoming a clown I have another revelation I'm a former professional clown Jesus Christ I was a clown for years and years i also trapeze uh and so all of these you're also a martial artist and a magician what is going on if you're hiring for the circus what does what does your husband do professionally where is drew

where is drew Where is Drew? Where is Drew? What does your husband do? I mean, we're both scientists, but he is like also a pole vault coach. He was an all American athlete. And his father's into circus. Like, this is not totally weird. I need to just get clean on something. So he's building a circus next to your house with a big trampoline. What else is he putting in his fun

circus and why is it so and why why is it yeah he's not moving why do we need the barn yeah but hold i just need a little bit just because i really do think you buried the lead on this circus stuff a barn when you live on 80 acres makes sense to me yeah i imagine some tools and maybe some animals that's what I imagine. An actual barn. I'm getting really thrown by the circus. Yeah, I know. When he's unicycling around on his own.

So what else does he have in there? He's got a trampoline. What else does he have? So there's like ropes and silks. Like he has this idea that we're going to be doing a lot of aerial acrobatic type things. Where did this come from? I think, again, from his mother and father who are

more circus oriented interesting so his midlife crisis is tapping into this childhood thing that his family did yeah circus meant a lot this was cool and he's like you know they say uh before people die they move back to the type of environment that they grew up in. So if you grew up in cold weather, all of a sudden you're living in Florida. A guy like me, at 80, I'm going to be like, maybe I'm going to go to Chicago. Because you want to die where you started. Don't worry. Your husband's not dying.

It's fine. But midlife crisis is the start. It is the start, Jonathan. Have you thought of any of the things you want to do? Have you thought on any worlds that you're interested in going into for your barn? That's where I'm really stuck. I'm generally pretty content. I don't need a barn. I get it.

You're not having a crisis but what are certain things like if you know what are certain things that make you really happy if you have a free saturday and no one's around yeah what do you like to do again that's really hard like i'm still i'm in that like mother of young kids constantly like cleaning the house and taking care of the kids i get it um so i don't really have moments to myself. How about this? While you're working with the kids and everything's tired, you're working, you can't sleep, you do have a fantasy, right?

What is something you would like to do? Tear his barn down. So I've been learning, I've been teaching myself French with the idea of going and being able to actually speak French. Okay, I got a pitch. I got 30 pitches, but go ahead. First pitch. None of them are good.

I should point that out right away. First pitch, you build a French bistro. I was thinking bistro. And it is, you get the tables, you get the chairs. Yours is outside that connects to the barn, and it is a French circus. So all the, if he ever wants to put a sign like your last name circus it has to be in french the aesthetic everything has to go french and if

he's like i'm not loving this you go that's how i feel about the barn right because what you might be wanting to play is a little bit paris a little spite paris but we could start building something in that world that you're doubling down on this french thing where he goes like why is everything in our kitchen in french and you go i'm learning the language and he goes i know i get it but it's a lot and you go it's kind of how i feel about a fucking trapeze act in our backyard jonathan what do you got on that phone really fast? Spite in French is Dépi. The barn de Dépi. Gareth, let's hear some pitches. Well, I guess, okay, so he has his barn.

How many kids do you have? Two. In order for him to have his barn, you could say that for one night a week, he's got to go out there with the kids, and you get a night off because he gets to go do sort of the little circus act with the kids this is actually gives you a free night because you know and you could take up a hobby you could keep learning your french you could do something like that yeah so he kind

of like the whole idea of the barn is that the kids like my daughter already knows how to do rope and some silk type stuff like he wants to encourage it more with them. This is information that we should have known. This is all kind of nice stuff. You know what I'm getting out of this one, Emily? You're a selfish asshole. Just so you know, he was making eye contact with me when he said it. It seemed like it was to you.

It wasn't me. It wasn't me. I will point out, kids do love the aerial stuff and the silk it is a lot of fun to do those sorts of activities uh analyzing all of this it sounds like actually the one other question i have first how big was the financial impact of this thing that he bought is it oh my god i'm totally irresponsible or was it like yes no that's actually that's actually what's most out of character that's what shows it's a crisis it's like what did you just what but your question today emily was not what do we do about my husband overspending on building a barnaholic now but your

question was what did we do for your your midlife crisis right yeah so i just what so for you so i think we're gonna end this pretty soon because here's why what we have learned is your husband did a really weird thing but it does he is incorporating the kids what we've also learned about you is you're not sure what you want to do and i think your midlife crisis is time to find what makes you happy apart from your job apart from your kids and apart from the weird fucking circus which you're not interested in so emily you got to get your groove back you got to find what makes you this is city slickers and you got to go get your smile back yeah i also think what you could do is you could pitch i mean because this is quite an undertaking to have a circus barn. You could pitch that you get a trip to France, maybe in a year. That's what you do. You take

a solo trip. You use your French out there. You get 10 days around a beautiful country. There's a lot of unrest. Yeah. But but you could pitch something like that. Also, here's another option. You could just I mean, i don't know what we're talking about how much he's spending cut that in half and you can just gamble with it yeah i was gonna say you sell the tickets to the circus and you get to keep the money oh sell oh yes that's pretty good the one thing i will say is i don't think you making another irresponsibly expensive is the move is the move because then it puts you doubly in a financial right hardship so you know there are positives it sounds like with this building i'm gonna stop calling it a barn because it sounds like it's maybe just an unattractive i think

you're building it's a box it's uh it's a box but you know make make the most it sounds like it's happening okay it, it is happening. But I agree. I think if you could find a little bit of your joy back again, and, you know, we've got two kids, and believe me, I know how much time that takes. It is so important for you to find something that makes you happy. And as a family, you need to make time for that.

That's important. So here's where we're going to end this one on emily because i think jonathan's right there so you can either lean into what he's doing but he takes the kid he teaches him this stuff and you find your kind of hobby what you like you could take yourself on a solo trip to france you could build a bistro, which sounds like you're not going to do. You could gamble. You take half of what this barn costs. Yeah, you just find a place. You could.

And we didn't go deep on this one, but there might be something here. And then if I had more coffee, I would have pitched harder on this one. But that is, you could sell tickets to the circus and create a weird side business. You're talking about getting her further incorporated into this. So Emily, what do you think you're going to actually do in this truly unique setup of a call? So I really, honestly, I like the idea of like he goes with the kids. He takes the kids into the barn one night a week, and I find my own personal happiness again. This is great.

I love it. And also, maybe I'll just go to France anyway. Great. Do both. Yeah, he's building a barn. And also, while you're finding your happiness, it might be you seem like a highly educated, smart human being, so you're probably going to learn the language pretty fast.

And may I recommend Babbel. Babbel. With Babbel, all things are possible in Linguistics. Yeah. You can start making pizzas or you could watch, you could make a list

of movies you've always wanted to see or you could get into specialty cocktails. What better thing for him to come back to the barn and you're shit-faced?

So, Emily, we appreciate the call. I think this is going to end up being a happy one for you. And really weird stuff yeah super yeah super weird really wild spending money you guys don't have to dangerous barn swings that we're all in support of pretty much until we learned about the clown i've also learned in a

real like you were also a professional clown yeah that's that's got away we just got the alarm. We are on it. Emily, thank you for the alarm. Thank you, Emily. Good luck out there. This episode is brought to you by another food place because we are true fat boys. We like to eat over here. Because you have to say. But we got to help. Yeah, no, but you've got to say when you're saying yes to an ad, is this something you like? And it's all becoming food. It's great. Factor is truly

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and they got wellness shots and all that stuff. I'm a vegetarian, so I eat... Are you a full veggie? Yeah, pretty much. Every now and then I'll mix in a little bit of the proteins my doctor said I had. There's no... Really? Yeah. What do you have? Cholesterol? No, no, he was like... Oh, mix in the protein. Yeah, yeah. I gotcha.

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we have a whole different scenario a different dynamic because drew was a surprise so my parents did not know there was a second baby holy shit what there was no ultrasound so back then in canada when you only had an ultrasound if there was a complication and so we there was no ultrasound so back then in canada you only had an ultrasound if there was a complication and so we there was no complication our heartbeats were exactly in sync and so i was born and the doctor left and then the nurse was like clean up and she's like i doctor i think there's another one and mom drew was born to mom going oh shit and then drew came out now my head was all like misformed and like everything and so they were like oh god it's because drew was sitting on my head in the womb

so when we get bullying today yeah well i'll always be like doesn't matter because twins are competitive i won the first competition i was born first andrew's like i had my ass on your face i mushed your head that's amazing that is crazy what a shock for your mom also not doing ultrasounds that is crazy yes yeah i mean it was a newer newer technology that's wild now i will say how old are you and i'm 44 44 you're only a year younger than me yeah but i what were you guessing you're putting him as boyish you're gonna say 30s well i was i was thinking like no probably he was going like 50s. No, because you're like, that's crazy.

I'm like, really? Because my phones have only been around for what, 10 years? My stupidity ages me back to a lot of people. You are stupid. I am dumb. But he's great looking. But you're good looking. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what I'm going for. Really quick before we get rid of you, just because you are marrying a friend of mine yes yeah what's going on with it where are you guys at we so we're engaged i know that um we're trying to figure out the right place because i you know but we both have the same thing where we it can't just be like some place. It has to be something that has a history or a meaning or a connection to us. So we've been having a challenging time figuring out what is right. And I also don't want it to be so complicated or expensive for people to get to. That makes sense.

You already never come out anyway. I'll come to this. You will? You'll come to that. I will come to this. All right. You're not invited. I figured.

But I'm very available available i got a location yeah we're trying to plan it the barn when we want to do it also you know maybe it's because we're you know a little bit older we're you know lazy but we want it to just be easy we want it to be warm i love that and we want it to be a hell of a good party yeah yeah well what i will say is somebody who knows zoe well uh and i've gotten to know you better i'm glad it's you no thank you you're a fucking good human on the good team and knowing zoe when you did that show we were so close and we like battled through everything for so many years we all became like cousins yeah so like seeing how everybody ends and like what's

happening uh she landed well and i'm uh it's fun to watch well i appreciate that is it a guest list thing because you don't have any room for other people or because there's a vibe what's not you went like this between us well all of us i mean can you picture us at your i think all of us at a table that'd be a good i'm great at weddings jake could bring you as his date but i really like his wife i bring my wife i love his wife you bring me gareth never stops talking i'm gonna bring him to a wedding oh come on i'm great i'm Jake could bring you as his date, but I really like his wife. I bring my wife. I love his wife. You bring me, I'll bring Aaron. I'll bring my wife. Gareth never stops talking. I'm going to bring him to a wedding.

Oh, come on. I'm great. I'm great for a speech. This is how the wedding will go. In the middle of your vows, in the background, you'll hear. I knew I should have done that. Shoot or shoot. And I never stop shooting.

Shoot or shoot. I think the funny thing is we've talked about this too because so many people are so stressed about who do we invite. You know, everyone's got to say, I'm like, we've both been married before. I don't care what anybody else thinks. We will do what we want. And one of the rules is everyone invited has to be someone we both know and spend time with.

Yeah, I think that's right. And yeah, we want to keep it simple so i love it man yeah that must be because you did it before you've been married before that must kind of take a little bit of the the pressure off in a way because you feel like now this is for you a little bit more oh yeah because even when you're you're dating somebody when you're younger you don't know what you want you don't even know what love is and we were literally having this conversation with our eight-year-old yesterday she's like you know she was trying to explain to us that a crush isn't love it's just a crush i'm like yes this is true i didn't know where were you you know then

when you're a little bit older you know the stuff you want most importantly you know the stuff you don't want in a partner and i have to say i'm the luckiest dude alive because we we just gel like you wouldn't believe. That's awesome, man. Yeah. Well, we're going to stop wasting your time. Thank you for coming. You're the best, buddy.

This was not a waste of time. Okay, good. Not only was this great, this was the best laugh I've had in a long time. We saved lives. And we saved lives, guys. Just remember that. Yeah, and if you are really searching for a location, I mean, we did just find out about a pretty cool barn in Central New York. There's no chance he's always going to Central New York, some weird guy's barn.

Unless there's a zip line. Yeah, which there is. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. And the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com.

That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.