We're Here to Help - 55: Cruizin for a Boozin

Episode Date: February 22, 2024

Jake and Gareth talk to the Chief Beer and Pizza Officer at a grocery store and someone with an odd cat problem. Later, the guys follow up with the matching shirts caller from episode 48 “Me Like Brown Shirts and Money with Emily Hampshire.”Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] the video episodes of the podcast at Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodCheck out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com!If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPodAdvertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

And we are back! Better than ever. Better than ever. Better than ever. Number one podcast in America. I'm excited about something. I know. Well, truth be told, we don't even know what episode this intro is going to be a part of because you just wanted to get an intro because you've got this unbridled enthusiasm over something.

So the new HeadGum Studios, some of the stuff on the walls, you know, I get a little picky and I said, let's make some changes. Yeah. We got lamorne morris up there rest in power rest in p and then gareth i said why don't you throw jose up the one behind he goes i got a better one can you explain what is on the wall so we have uh a poster of me as i was probably five. And it's me doing a poster for like trains, like toy trains. How'd you book it? So I used to do, well,

I truth be told, this is the company my father worked for. Okay. But I used to do like, there was a time where as a kid, I did child modeling. Oh my God. Hold on.

You guys want to see Garfield as a little boy model? Here you go. And this one is me playing with trains in front of a fire. You're fucking adorable. You don't even know which one I am. You're the little boy, I think. I'm the little boy. And it was the summer, and we had to do it in front of a fire.

And I just remember asking why there was a fire if it was the summer. Good question. And I had a lot of those questions. And then eventually i was probably like six i told my parents i didn't want to do it anymore really yeah because you said i'm not a little boy model i'm a comedian yeah yeah and you went right on stage yeah yeah so we have a great episode today yeah gareth reynolds dot com follow my tour you saw all these beautiful photos yeah let's get those numbers up jesus blow those up everybody thank you for listening. And without further ado.

Caller, hello. Can you hear us? Yes, I can hear you. How you doing? Beautiful voice. Good. Good. Can we get your name, please?

My name's Joe Cruz. Whoa, relax, Joe. And where are you calling from, Joe? I'm calling from Lincoln, Nebraska. Nebraska, great. And about how old are you, Joe? You can say I'm 38 years old. Okay, what would you say?

What's that? Nothing. So what can we do for you today? Just a weird way to say your age, like we can say versus like how old you are. Are you 38 uh yes i am 38 i'm 61 years young motherfucker but you could say 38 on the paperwork you could say whatever you want i'm from nebraska the government thinks i'm dead i burned my fingerprints off so joe what can we do for you buddy all right so i i got a real serious question I need help with. Okay. I was just appointed chief pizza and beer officer for Casey's General Store.

Now, Casey's is a Midwest sensation, their fifth largest in the nation for pizza sales. Okay. Joe, you got a red tie, mustache, black hair. Is that you? Yeah, that's me. That's me. You look like a jake johnson cousin quick pause uh we'll do this in post throw up my uh first headshot where i was wearing a bear

sweatshirt great uh we we're kind of brothers here my man yeah all right so your chief beer and pizza officer at what at casey's and what's casey's it's like it's a gas chain uh gas station chain general store chain awesome man congrats you also have a great headshot yeah okay so this is obviously enticing from the beginning um but uh how did you get this role were you working at casey's before and they're like this guy's a drunk and quick pause quick pause and you gotta also joe you have to make me a promise and i would like you to put this in writing but in hopefully 50 years when you pass away and there's the service they always put a big photo of the person yes will this be your wreath picture your wreath picture so that everybody has to cry and be sad but but they got to look at that.

I miss him, but that is an inappropriate image. That would be my happiest funeral to go like, I love this guy. Absolutely. I'll write the will right now. Yeah. That would be my wreath picture. Casey probably has someone who can do that for you. So you were working there, and then what happens?

Do you just get promoted? No, no, I wasn't working there. I'm outside. You just like to party. So it's a little controversial. I just love to party. But my friend saw the contest or the job opportunity. Okay. Send me the link. She's like, Joe, you eat so much pizza. You drink so much beer. This is perfect for you. Wow. So I went ahead and applied, and I won the job over 500 candidates. Great. Yeah, I'm ready to go. When you say the job, before we get to your issue, what is the job? You just go around partying?

Basically, no. around partying basically no the what they want me to do is pair a pizza and a beer every week until my time served great so i'm gonna every we're gonna be doing thirsty thursdays i'm gonna be pairing pizza and beer together and then i'm gonna tell the community and i'm gonna tell the world about my discoveries and what i find wow Wow. Well, what a fantastic start, Joe. Congratulations. Second, let's,

let's give you some, so you're doing a good job over there at Casey's where, where can they find is Casey's all throughout Nebraska? Is it just in Lincoln? Oh, it's in 17 states. Oh, it's in.

So, so you, this is a big gig. Yeah, I definitely have driven by Casey's. Yeah, it's in so so you this is a big gig yeah i definitely have driven by casey's yeah it's big uh it still hasn't quite hit me how big it is but it's in 17 states that's what we call casey's country great and it's all straight through the midwest well first of all now because i'm sure your bosses are going to listen to this the first thing casey's needs to

do is put that headshot on billboards all across every highway there needs to be that with your recommend so thirsty thursdays is the night of the pairing yeah so first of all to uh joe's bosses that should be on the highway yeah right before the casey's pull off and go is it thursday yet yes if so thursday thursdays check out what and what is like what is your we also need a name for you can't be joe what's wrong with joe cruz joe cruz is cool but that guy in the headshot you know and i don't mean this as a cruise control but like cruise control is interesting but you are now a character. And that guy in the headshot is selling all of us his personal beer and pizza. And we trust him.

You're no longer a guy named Joe Cruz from Lincoln. Could be Casey Cruz. Casey Cruz. Kind of like a little bit like interesting. It's funny to see that picture. I mean, maybe it's different if you grow up around Casey's, but it looks like you're Casey. And maybe it's sort of like a Dalai L deal or like wendy's yes yes like maybe it's like a dolly llama deal where when they move on from joe we just get another guy in and that's the new casey

cruising for a boozing cruising for a boozing cruising for a boozing's good bruising for bruising no no no all right we'm gonna beat the shit out of you until you drink this lager um okay joe so all right so let's what is your exact question before we pitch you on everything what's your question well what i really need help with is getting a tagline down so when i finish the videos or something i need i need that catchphrase okay and then give us okay so the videos are going to be kind of what well there's i'm going to be doing a lot of little promotional things like throughout but right they they really want thursdays to happen uh let's see tomorrow i'm going to go record a little video like introducing myself at a store

see if people recognize me as the customers come in they will soon so even if they don't don't get your feelings hurt at the beginning so okay thank you for that well it takes a while i was a little nervous that no one would recognize me believe me my friend i've done many things where i'm like in an indie movie and they're like stick around to like do a q a with the star and not only was no one at the theater, but nobody stuck around. You just got to grin and take, you just take the beating. It happens. But so what we're looking for is essentially we have on this show and our commercials, we've got a guy we've hired named Gil Buchanan.

Yeah. And Gil Buchanan comes and reads our copy a little bit and does our ads. But we're basically looking to turn Joe Cruz into this version of you that at the end of every video you do, it's you're Joe cruising for a booze in with the thirsty Thursdays where the pizza tastes as good as the blob, whatever that is. And I'm going to say I'm going to have some bad pitches and Gareth is going to win this call. I don't know. I don't know. So and really what you want is you want the you want a catchy tag which i think is great you want a thing that is a signature joe cruz or casey cruz we'll see where we get to is your line at the end something people return to something that's very yes but i'm also going to say and joe jump in and interrupt us if you're feeling inspired because we talk a lot but

we got to keep hearing from you so uh okay what do you think because when i'm looking at this photo and i we just saw it with taylor swift at the super bowl we see it with every football player that goes to a basketball game the big funny thing that people do started with your boy aaron rogers is when he when that uh, left tackle would be at a, uh, bucks game. They show that they're the, like everybody else, they lift up their beer and they chug it. Part of what I think we should end every video and everything you do, Joe, is at a certain point, you take a huge bite of pizza. Then you chug the remainder of your beer, you wipe off your face and you go like

oh rick flair you go like thirsty thursdays cruising for a boozing you tap into like a little bit of sound a little bit of excitement when we're starting in that what's your first kind of feeling? I'm digging that. I like the energy. I like just leaving it with a big bang instead of like, goodbye, everyone, and I trickle away. What do you think about ending each one with a beer chug? I like it. There's one problem. I am terrible at chugging beer.

I actually think that could work for us. Okay, keep going Well, I mean when you think about the virality of like videos and what if you are unable to do it Mm-hmm. I think that could be a funny thing That you could keep trying Yes keep trying to do that if you sort of say you eat a slice, like if the way we ended the videos is you eat a full slice of the pizza. Wait, hold on. Say exactly where you're at. Are you fast at

chugging pizza? I can chug pizza fast. Great. Okay, keep going. So, I think the way you do it is like, and you're not just only the spokesman for Casey's pairing of the week, you're also a client. And you shove a piece of pizza in your face and then attempt to chug the beer. Or there's some version of a catchphrase, because I love it.

Everything that you do that where before you do it, you go, you go, you chug pizza, you sip beer. Yeah. And then you eat a slice of pizza really fast. And then you try to chug, but you go slow. Yeah. And then you eat a slice of pizza really fast. And then you try to chug, but you go slow. Yeah. And then you go like, I'm Joey Cruz. And what I'm going to tell you to do is come to Casey's where you eat fast and you drink slow.

Yeah. The beat goes on too long. Then you finish. And then we create a Ric Flair where you go like, I'm Joey Cruz coming from Casey's to tell you to eat fast and drink slow. Then you go, whoop, whoop, yeah, yeah, Thursdays. I mean, I can work with that. Something like that is great. The slow sip is very funny.

I think if we know that you can't chug beer watching you try to do that at the end of every one of these, as we will tell you, as people who have a podcast retention is great what is going to keep people watching until the end of the video they might start at what i think what can get people to finish is we see a sized beer like you have in your casey's picture and we are promised that you're going to attempt to chug the beer but can't. Where are we at on this, Joe? And then it could pump up other people that are really good at chugging beer. Yes, totally. And they would be like,

well, look at this guy. Can't even do it. Well, you could even say if you think you can chug a beer better than me, send us your videos. We want to see them. KC's Thursday Thursday. It can't just be the beer because we got to remember we're selling a brand. Yes.

And that is, this is not about, this is not a frat party. Yes. So part of it is you are pairing the perfect pizza with the perfect beer. So you eat that pizza fast. Why? Because you eat a bunch of slices of pizza. Yeah. We're not selling everyone to get blackout drunk at a gas station.

No. We're telling people to eat a bunchout drunk at a gas station. No. We're telling people to eat a bunch of slices, have the perfect beer with it. You are trying to drink fast, but when you finish, you go like, can't chug it.

Tastes too good. Yeah. Now give me a taste, Joe, of I've given you my Ric Flair's. If you were going to just go from the gut, don't think this, give us three different sounds that you could make that are high energy excitement that we can create a joe cruise sound oh okay oh okay all right and

so say this we're gonna go like this just to get you started go eat fast, drink slow, cruising for a booze in with Joe Cruz, and then say the sound. All right. Take one. Eat fast, drink slow, cruising for a bruise in.

Yeah. How about this? We got a Ryan sitting there. That's the Howard Dean. That is the Howard Dean. And we all know his campaign didn't really go too great. But it was pretty good. How about this? We got a Ryan sitting there. That's the Howard Dean. That is the Howard Dean, and we all know his campaign didn't really go too great. But it was pretty good, Joe. How about this? That is.

Eat fast, drink slow. We're on cruise control with your man, Joe. I love that. Yeah! Hold on. That's great. Eat fast. Drink slow.

Hold on. Joe, write this down for a second. Eat fast, drink slow. Eat fast. You're on cruise control with your man joe you're on cruise control with your man now do you want to say joe cruise or no i don't know i think i mean i don't think the cadence sounds better as just joe do i think so yeah eat fast drink slow you're on cruise control with your man joe and then what i would do is i would i this would be my my pick you eat the pizza before that delicious and then you toast at the end we know if we watch these videos you're

always trying to chug the beer at the end so that you don't have copy to get through after that. You end with your attempt at chugging a beer. And we just love to watch that because we know you can't do it. And then you do a sound effect. Yes. Right. Yes. I'm digging it.

I'm digging it. So let's try that now. So that was your Howard Dean. I think that's a winner, but let's hear a different sound. Let's just do a few of these in a row and get a sense of what you're uh remember it could be like a whatever you want or uh yeah whatever you're the boss okay all right here we go eat fast drink slow you're on cruise control with your man joe oh yeah pretty good great now here's what i'm gonna say the energy from the your audio does not match the audio the energy from the photo yep so the guy in that photo

is coming at a 10 the guy on the call is a six and a half so So can we see, now keep in mind, you're now a character. You're Joe Cruz. And Cruz is not the way you spell it. It's Cruz like cruise control. So Joe Cruz is bigger energy, more excited, because what he lives for in life is drinking beer and eating pizza.

So let's give a little bit more of, right before you start, go, oh yeah, baby baby take a beat and then get into it let's see how that sounds wait i'm sorry what did he's giving you a warm-up so here's the warm-up before you start go oh yeah baby then say your eat fast line i should grab a beer for this but it's okay we're okay we'll we'll wait yeah you're joe cruz 130 there not only should you grab a beer you should eat some pizza all right we'll wait for you to come i haven't gone to get the i'm getting i'm getting i got a beer yeah great hey joe were you oh wait you're calling from your phone so you can't film yourself

too never mind uh it would be so great to now what we're going to do is we're going to show this video. Yes. So the end of this call, send us a video, the first video you make with us, and then we'll connect it to it. Great. All right.

Deal. Deal. And we'll tag you on all that good stuff and hopefully, uh, get you some numbers. I like that. All right. So Joe fucking bring the goddamn heat.

You are Joey Cruz. Oh yeah. He are Joey Cruz. Oh, yeah. Eat fast, drink slow. You're on cruise control with your man, Joe. Cheers, baby. Great. I'm still chugging. Keep chugging.

Oh, it's really cold. Keep going. But it tastes delicious. That's fine. And then Ric flair the end i i think hold on gareth talked throughout the whole fucking ending i'm supporting him so i think it's really good we didn't hear the end so here's the one thing i'm gonna say i think you're there i would love to hear it one more time we need a new beer and in real time

hear the ending to see how long it goes. But that chug doesn't have to be too long. Because if they're going to be posted, they might not keep all that in. So just do your first big sip. When you need to stop, stop. I love if you want to comment on the beer, do it.

And then give us a big Ric Flair ending and let's see how that feels. And then I think finish chugging the beer as we're going to black. But I think we might be in a great zone here. How are you feeling, Joe? I think I can handle this. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling good.

All right. So we are not going to interrupt this one. I just want to hear this is yours. We aren't, because I will say Jake was a little chatty. I want to hear how you do it. You're in charge now. Okay. I'm resetting here.

Hear how you do it. You're in charge now. Okay. I'm resetting here. I do got to say, I'm at my real-time job, and I have a couple of coworkers just staring at me right now. Let them stare, Joe. That's good. I can handle the pressure.

That's right. This is cruise control. Hey, will you ask one of them to film you? I'm an eye doctor. Hold on. Will you ask one of them to film you? Yes. Yeah, I certainly can.

Let's just do that. Can you grab the top phone for your phone and record me for a second? What is this other job you have? I work at a certain fine shop. Oh, nice. Perfect. It's called Perch Merch. I love it. All right, so Joe.

If you're in Lincoln, Nebraska, stop by Perch Merch. Let's stay on one promotion at a time here, Joe, okay? I'd like that you're a multi-hyphenate. All right. All right, all right, all right. Your buddy's filming you? We got it. Okay.

Yep, she's filming. We're good. Okay. Now, Joe, go fucking hard on this one. All right. I just ate a big pizza. We're good to go. I feel a burp coming.

It's awesome. All right. I just ate a big pizza. We're good to go. I feel a burp coming. It's awesome. All right. Eat fast, drink slow. You're on cruise control with your man, Joe. Cheers. Woo! I mean, pretty good, man. That's pretty good.

How are you feeling? I'm feeling good. I'm liking it. I'm feeling good. Yeah, Joe, I think you're in a great zone. I would make sure your Ric Flair is not Ric Flair's. Woo! So you got to give that a little extra different heat.

Give me three quick options that are not howard dean or rick flair yeah baby okay it's number two three two one go all right okay number three three two one go cheers honey and three two one go three two three two one go party time 3, 2, 1, go. 3, 2, 1. 3, 2, 1, go. Party time. Party time. I think to your point before, it's the gas station. Do one more. 3, 2, 1, go.

Casey's baby. Casey's baby. That's great. Then you tied it. That's great. Casey's baby. That's the end. Hey, Joe, thank you for the call.

Joe, we can't wait to see the video you just took and the future Casey spots you're doing. Yes, send us everything, man. We will for sure post it up. Will do. Congratulations. Yeah, you got the best job, man. Thank you. Thanks, buddy. Alright, go back to making signs drunk.

Will do. Thanks. Bye. Today's episode is brought to you by babble that's right jake listen you know what babble is right science-backed language learning app that actually works which i find to be very important science-backed jake listen don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor. They come over, they're like asking for snacks, they're being annoying, or even waste hours on apps that don't really help. We're here to help, and

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Yep. Because the problem with learning a new language is if you sound like you're from another country. Yes. If it can actually help with the accent, that's a big-ass turn. And applicable to situations you're going to find yourself in. When I think back to taking French, it was just so much of it.

It was like, I'm never going to do that. It's like, how do you order food? How do you get a drink? How do you ask for directions? So Babbel's great. Now listen. Listen, everybody. Should we bring him in?

Wait, one quick pause. Should we bring in the closer? Studies from Yale, this is interesting, Michigan State University and others, prove that Babbel is better. So one study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college. So if that's true, which Yale's no joke, it's just putting schooling in a different light. Yes. If you spend 15 hours, let's say you didn't go to

college and you always feel like well i don't know i didn't go to college 15 hours you just did a semester yeah that's wild yes that's a wild study so speaking of language should we bring in the closer or should i do it closer all right hold on let's get him kevin doors open all right oh you meant gill yeah i meant kevin what kevin was gonna do it no i thought we were talking about the closer the we were he parked in front of all our cars so might as well oh we can't leave well what's what's the problem go ahead uh so that old jalopy is gills yes and you can turn it off, I guess. No, keep it running. It's bad for something.

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and the Jalopy. Rules and restrictions. Play it live. This episode is brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network

doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Garth, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because as you know, my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement and it was crazy. It was a crazy situation. And there were so many times, so many things like complications were popping up. And there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly somewhere close you use that doc yeah you would use that doc because it's just so much harder if you're

just like you know like using search engines to try to find someone and then you call do they take your insurance the problem has it's all there for all the problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up yes and what i like i actually use zocdoc since we started doing it i do like that it keeps it really clean and you can put all your information in yeah did you use zocdoc for your knee i did use zocdoc for my knee which i am going to get an mri on but we don't think it's a tear that's the good news but i am going to get an mri oh the doctor report back it's just an old man's knee it's actually pretty much what it sounded like. That's what a doctor said to me about my hips.

I'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like, yeah, you're just the... I've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this. Well, you're mid-40s, yeah? What a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on ZocDoc. But again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you. Treat basically. And again, you can get an an appointment quickly you can also get it same day that's absolutely right jake if you're lucky uh that's right gil buchanan ones and two 68 balmy

don't worry about it that's right i've been kept in the closet for a while on this show but i'm back for the ads good to see you brother you would get a fist bump literally never left wherever the best time in the world go to zocdoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Did you hear how much that costs? Free. Free. That's right. And then find and book a top rated doctor today.

That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash HTH. ZocDoc.com slash H-T-H. Hello. Hey, caller. Thanks for joining. Jake has been pretty bad at the intros today, so we're going to let him handle this one. I give to you now Jake Johnson. Jake.

Hi. Hi. Hi there. Hi. What's your name? I'm here. Hi. I'm here too.

What's your name? My name is Aubrey. Aubrey. Hi. What's your name? I'm here. Hi. I'm here too. What's your name? My name is Aubrey. Aubrey. Aubrey with a B? I mean. Yes, Aubrey with a B. Or a D like a plaza. With a B.

I'm in a solid not funny zone. But it's become funny. Agree. Okay. For you. It's great for me. Aubrey. Starting the call with, hi.

She's like, Kevin, I don't know who this is. She's like, does somebody else talk? Yeah. Get this fat ass off the line. Okay. So Aubrey with a B. What city and state are you in? I am from Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Hey. Fuck yes. Hey. Fuck yes. This is our first Milwaukee. Milwaukee, the good land. Yeah. Great state by a great lake. You know, my brother had his bachelor party in Milwaukee.

Well, you have Wisconsin ties. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And I love Milwaukee. Could be a show title spin-off, Wisconsin ties. Yeah. Okay, where in Milwaukee do you live in, Aubrey? So I was in River West for a while.

Sure. And I'm on the outskirts. Oh, beautiful. So almost River East. That's great. Good for you. You drinking a lot of beer out there? How old are you? Hell yeah. I'm 25. 25. What's your favorite bar? Let's give him a shout out. Art Bar is my favorite bar in River West. It's amazing. Art Bar? Hey, everybody at Art Bar, if Aubrey comes in, can we please give this woman a free drink? Yeah, maybe a shot. Do you take shots, Aubrey?

I am definitely more of a sour beer girl. Okay. All right. Well, give her a sour beer. All right, Aubrey. Hell yeah. What's the call about today? Is it okay?

I feel like drinking. Go ahead, Aubrey. I would love a drink. I would drink. It is, what is it, 11? Yeah. I would drink. Okay, go ahead, Aubrey. I would love a drink. I would drink. It is, what is it, 11? Yeah. I would drink. Okay, go ahead, Aubrey.

What can we help you with? Yeah, so I have an orange girl cat. She's really, really sweet, but really freaking amazing. Do you need me or is this just a Gareth call? Go to the car, Jake. I'll handle everything. So I'm calling from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I got a big fat cat and I'm a little bit lonesome and I wear a vest.

Gareth? So I am G Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I got a big fat cat and I'm a little bit lonesome and I wear a vest. Gareth? So I am Gareth's algorithm. I am Gareth's algorithm, the person. You are Gareth's Instagram. Honestly. If you were four random people with not a lot of teeth from another country singing, you would be mine. Okay, keep going.

This is great. Orange cat. Orange cat. What's the cat's name aubrey her name's lavi like say lavi okay um so a while back she started digging into my bathroom trash bin and she pulled out my q-tip and she licked it clean off like a freaking popsicle so this is what i'm saying about animals is they're disgusting they're not our children come on you've got friends who've done that keep going um so i'm like naturally a curious person and i was like why the heck do you like earwax and i fed it to her directly from the source if this cat talks i'm moving on hold the

fuck on yeah you confronted her hold on yeah don't blow past this. This is abusive. You've got a big old fat cat named Livvy. It ate your earwax and you picked your ear and gave it to the cat. Yeah. I was really curious to see if she'd eat it. I don't know how I missed that. I think I was so enamored that I didn't hear that. This is animal abuse.

Is it not? Well, it's hard to say, Jake. I mean, it's certainly, I don't know. This is real Wisconsin behavior. In Wisconsin, they call earwax the head popsicle. 100,000 people in Green Bay are like, why is your guy being so mean to the children? Hey, why is Jake throwing a flag on the play? Let him play.

You got food in your ear. Give it to your animals. What are you going to do, waste? It's just going to sit in your head. You know, they say money doesn't grow on trees. Well, food does grow in our ears. All right, so keep going. Okay, so you give the cats some of your ear candy.

I'm going to barf. So supposedly it's a protein thing. Shut up. It's actually not bad. Shut up. No, I swear. Don't you spin this, you mad woman. Google it.

Google it. So you're claiming you have a you spin this, you mad woman. Google it. Google it. So you're claiming you have a protein source in your ear for animals. Yeah, yeah. So then why doesn't everybody do this since the beginning of time? I'm going to start. After a gym session, just start eating from your ears? Yeah, or just pick your ears and just feed it to random dogs. Go to somebody's house and do this food source.

Oh, my God. You're a beautiful cat. Do you mind if I just pick my ear and feed it? It's a protein source. I'll tell you what they're gonna do they're gonna knock you out sit good boy here you go all right so keep going you pick your ear protein this is just yeah so she's obsessed with it like she'll come to me and she demands it and i'm at this point i'm at this point where she gets mad if i don't do it and it's obviously weird and i need to stop and so i'm like jesus christ are you asking what other thing on

your body you can feed the cat cat food yes cat treats so so here's what i really feel like aubrey you and i were vibing. We were connected. We were on the same page. And then you're feeding your cat from your head. You know what I really feel like this call is, Aubrey? What I honestly in my gut feel? I feel like I'm out with Gareth and he's introducing me to his new girlfriend. And I'm sitting there and we're all talking.

And you're telling it. And Gareth is drinking a red wine laughing going like, yep, I get it. And I'm going, these two fucking banana head deserve each other. Or it's like this where I'm like, look, I met a girl. We have so much in common. She's great. She's great. She's a cat.

She's way younger than me is what you should say. She's way younger than me, which is great. Which is great. Like I'm dropping references that I think she'll know and she's like, what's Wayne's world? Like it's great. Do you like like I'm dropping references that I think she'll know and she's like what's Wayne's world like it's great do you know what I'm saying it's just one thing

little thing little thing just again not a flag what is it buddy well she just wait let's do this okay yeah

great Aubrey we're gonna play something out really fast alright let's do this for real okay alright so Gareth and I are at

catching up great work today, man. That was really good, man. Not my girlfriend, but this girl I've been going out with. She really likes the show. She really likes the show. We should have her on. I think she just wants to come down and watch the taping one day.

I don't know if she's ready for the camera. She doesn't have a vest. The thing is that everything's good, dude. She's from the same place as me. Like, we go out drinking. She's from London? No, from Milwaukee. So we have the.

But aren't you from England? You just kind of fake Wisconsin? It's a confusing origin story. I'm not even sure, to be honest with you. But it's a bit of a mix match. Hold on. I'm sorry. One second.

Yeah. Can I get another beer for me and whatever? I'll have a Malbec, please. So, yeah. I'm so sorry Malbec, please. So, um, so I'm so sorry, one second. Thank you so much. Yeah, of course I'll take a selfie. Really? So you like that too? Yeah, wonderful. Oh, you like New Girl?

You've watched, have you seen the last season? Oh, okay. They have it? No, or they have and didn't really register them. I'm so sorry, hold on. Nice to meet you, Steven Spielberg. I'd love to talk projects with you. Oh,ielberg i'd love to talk projects with you oh spielberg hey hello keep going i'm so sorry hold on one second jesus christ you can't go out with jake business manager yeah it's done what on the stock market well i guess we need to

give all stock market we need to give all that to charity because that's my vibe okay clearly there was no one on the other end of that phone call so she's great and um and she has this cat and i love this cat her cat's named la vie say love it exactly so french which is the language of love i shot dork okay dokey and um and and so it's great the one thing is that the cat and her i guess have this they've developed this sort of thing where she feeds the cat her earwax, which I don't love, but I'm also willing to kind of like, like, I really like her. Like, everything about her is great. Again, I mean, she likes sour beer. You know, she's down, it's pretty, she's great.

We're hanging out in River West when I go back. So, but, so there's all that, but she's, yeah, the cat, I guess, pines for the protein. I guess there's a lot of protein in your earwax. Nobody would know that, obviously. But she's feeding the cat the her earwax. And I mean, I'm not saying like she like there's you know, she's got like a special nail. Like she calls it the digger. And so she takes the diggers. You need to invent stuff. The story is as weird as it gets. Aubrey, before the digger part how did you judge you oh yeah it's weird i completely own that i'm a weirdo so aubrey the question is now we've set

it up we're all three on the same page we got to get out of this behavior correct yes yeah and it can't just be a cat tree because she doesn't care about that as much it's like she's upset so i got my first pitch go uh you've created a crack at it you don't say to a a someone you love who is smoking crack all the time well let me give you less crack or let me give you heroin or let me give you this other pharmaceutical drug you know what you do you handcuff them to a radiator let them sweat it out for four days as they barf in a bucket and then when it's all over cold turkey it's a fucking cat that's locked in between the walls of your apartment you just say no okay come on and when the cat gets close you go no and when it goes to your ear you go

we both made a lot of mistakes but it ends now i don't care how we got here it we got here because of my bad behavior but we're gonna get out of here because of my good behavior aubrey how long has this been going on good question um It's been about two years already. Jesus Christ, Aubrey. Aubrey! Now listen to me. I'm way too old to be a partner. I'm talking to you like you're my child.

You listen up, young lady. Are you out of your fucking mind? You're feeding a cat earwax for two years? You stop this right now. We're not doing three pitches. This is a one-pitch call. Aubrey, stop feeding your fucking cat your earwax. You hear me, young lady?

I think we got a clip. I mean, we definitely got a clip. Aubrey, I'm talking to you now like a dad. Do you hear me? This is out of line. She can hear you very clearly. She's got nothing blocking it. Aubrey, this ends today.

Oh, my God. I'll tell you what, honey. I'll drive up there with your mom. I'll take the cat from you. Mom and I will be there in the Oldsmobile. I'll leave Chicago after work today. I'll be there by 7 15. Okay?

I will take that fucking cat and I will bring it back to Des Plaines where your mother and I now live. Do you understand what I'm saying, young lady? It ends today. It ends today. If you stick your finger in your fucking ear and you give it to this cat one more

time, Livvy belongs to me and your mom. Am I crystal clear, young lady? It ends today. Say it back. This ends today. Good. The other thing I want you to do, are you near that cat?

I'm not. Okay. The second you get home, and honey, I had to do this to you when you were a kid about some of my yelling. You look eye to eye to that cat, and you apologize for your behavior. You say to that cat out loud, and I got certain friends, Eric being one of them, that believes animals can understand English. And he talks to them like they understand English. And then he goes, they're smarter than you think, brother. And I go, are squirrels smarter than you think?

And he goes, you ruin everything. So I want you to look in that cat's eyes and I want you to say, I am sorry for my behavior. We are in a world of trouble together and I'm going to be the adult that get us out of this. Yeah, I think I needed to hear that. I needed to hear that aubrey aubrey you are in a cycle of madness and we need to pull you out before it gets worse and worse who knows what else this cat's going to be begging to eat out of your body how old is the cat it's going to be dead soon she's four so half of her life she has been thinking that eating ear amber is normal.

Yeah, I honestly, I had little pitches like you can pretend the treat comes from your ear, but I think Jake is right. Let's hear your pitches. Well, I think you're doing the Indiana Jones. You know, you've got the idol in the bag of sand. Again, a reference, you're going to have no clue what I'm talking about on Aubrey, but some of our other listeners. She's like the movie with Charlotte Love?

Yeah, I do. Yeah, exactly. She's like the movie with Charlotte Love? Yeah, I do. Exactly. She's like, the Crystal Skull? No! Okay, we're talking... I think we're talking Raiders of the Lost Ark. So, maybe what you can do is get like a... You know, some kind of little treat that is in a little package

that looks... You put it in your ear. You just put your finger in the treat and then you fake dig in your ear, so we don't have to put treats in your ear your ear. You just put your finger in the treat, and then you fake dig in your ear, so we don't have to put treats in your ear, because then you could be going to a rapid care. And then you're sort of showing the cat that treat, and you could kind of do that for a little while, but I think what Jake's right.

That's just methadone. But do you... What we need to do... But hold on, do you have any other little guys? Because there's a fun thing to that. That's really it. You sold me with your rage. So I don't mind. I do think there's something really funny it you sold me with your rage so i i don't mind i do think

there's something really funny about putting them fake in years but i still think that you gotta just go cold turkey aubrey what the hell are you gonna do yeah i think i just need someone to tell me to knock it off and just quit cold turkey i mean it's gotten to the point where like other people know about it and it's weird obviously and they're like yeah it is i just need to stop yeah so yeah it's at the end of the day you know look we're not really judging if if you knew everything that the old garf man and jakey jay has done with stuff out of our ears to even begin you would realize you're not the weird one we are yeah but it is time to stop this shit and by a week and a half from right now this thing's got to be a distant memory from your past when you went down a weird alley but it's time to go to

the street where the street lights are on and people could see what you're doing yeah i uh unfortunately aubrey i i think we all know the truth and jake hit you with a heavy dose of it and uh it's time to stop not just for you, but for the cat and just for anyone who you get close to. This is this is a flag. So not great. Will you follow up when you have executed this? If there is a backlash from Libby, which there will be because you've created an addict. But when she's out of her phase of addiction, will you give us a happy ending update? And maybe if we could get maybe we could get a video of the process of kind of getting her off the junk. You know, maybe a video of Libby pining for the junk.

If she's going after your ear, will you film on your phone? You telling her no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I will.

Hey, Aubrey, we wish you the best. Good luck, but it ends today. My God. All right, thank you, guys. Thanks for calling. Thank you, Aubrey. This episode is brought to you by another food place because we are true fat boys.

We like to eat over here. Because you have to say- Well, we gotta help. No, but you've got to say when you're saying yes to an ad, is this something you like? And it's all becoming food. It's great.

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said i had there's no really yeah yeah What do you have? Cholesterol? No, no. He was like... Oh, mix in the protein. Yeah, yeah. I gotcha. Yeah, no, he doesn't inject it in if that's what you thought. But look, Factor delivers meals. It's super easy around your schedule. It's the perfect solution if you're looking for fast premium options with no cooking required. Just sign up and save. So head

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I don't like Gareth. Let's do it. Today's episode is sponsored by booking.com aka booking.yeah that's right jake uh listen as you know i'm on the road currently in a hotel currently that i booked on booking.com previously and you told us that i don't fair nope i don't want to get into that it's too much i just want to say how great but no go ahead i mean well that you said it's pretty funny so the stand-up places book most of your nights but on the layover night when you don't have the club book in it you needed to

book your own space and you said i used booking.com and it was so easy well we said well this is the goddamn commercial no you also pointed out that I have a room with two beds because when I pay for it, Luke, who's my opener, he and I share a room because, you know, you try to save money on the road, which is why I use booking.com. And another thing that's great about booking.com is this situation without the two beds that I booked on booking.com becomes a lot more three stooges ask if it's one bed. So I get the two beds. They make it easy on you. You know what you're going to get when you show up. You're very familiar. It doesn't matter if you're looking for a remote mountain cabin or relaxing beach resort or a hotel that you share

with a guy you met in college. There's multiple, a multitude of choices you can get at booking.com. I agree. And I was just told when my kid's spring break is, and my wife said, we have nothing planned if you want to plan something. And I thought, oh, I didn't realize this is going to be on the old jankster, and I'm going to go to booking.com. If I can figure out a weird four days to keep everybody busy

so the kids don't drive me nuts. So booking. Yeah, save me. There we go. So this spring, check out booking.com for your ideal hotel or vacation home. No matter where you go in the US, book whoever you want to be on booking.com.

Booking.com. Booking. Yeah. Hey everyone Booking.com. Booking. Yeah. Have a little refresher, check out that episode, and enjoy this follow-up. Hey, Dave. Hey there. Hi there. We don't know who you are, but we know this is a follow-up call, so why don't you bring us up to speed? Who are you?

Yes, I'm Chris. I had called a few months ago regarding the wardrobe faux pas I had where I wound up wearing the same shirt as one of my coworkers. Oh, same shirt? You're a bigger guy. You wear the same shirt. There was one shop in the town. Yeah, you're in a small town and you guys had the same big and tall tastes. You got it. So, Chris, what's going on? The floor is yours. Catch us up. All right. So, a little update. So, Christmas went, um, I got a couple of new shirts and, uh, we didn't wind up, uh,

getting each other gifts for new shirts, but we did wind up, uh, pointing out the absurdity of how we wore the same shirts he had noticed as well. So we, we actually decided to work out a schedule. We have a couple of shirts that we, yeah. You have a shirt schedule. This is amazing. Was this with Emily Hampshire? Yeah. Emily was the one who kept saying, why can't you guys just talk?

And I think Gareth and I were with you being like, it's weird. It would be weird. How did this subject get broached? We actually wound up talking, mingling at the Christmas party that we had. And, you know, a little bit of alcoholmas party that we had and uh well you know a little bit of alcohol kind of helped to uh loosen things up you know and so we uh chris who started who started it you or him um i actually did he's uh he's a little more introverted than i am fucking alpha dog what'd you do i uh just kind of joked how i said uh i like your shirt and he's like oh

yeah uh yeah and so we kind of like pointed out that we just kind of laughed about the fact that we both obviously have the same taste in shirts. So we just kind of. And you guys kind of became buds. It is bonding. Yeah. Oh, this is great news. Yeah, it's great.

Actually, we do hang out when we go to lunch. We will go out and get lunch together. This is the greatest follow upup in a while this is great so you guys have become the same shirt brothers yeah that's what gareth has been trying to do with me since i was hoping you'd wear big blue today i don't know why i did i know you have three shirts um so and what is it you guys just literally literally are, you came up with a little graph or a little spreadsheet where you get to decide who wears what shirt on what days? Yes, exactly. So we have two shirts that we both have the same pattern for. So what happens is on Tuesday...

It's like joint custody. Yeah. So on Tuesday, he wears one pattern, I wear the other. And then on Thursday, we swap. This is incredible. Now, do you guys, is there anything written or was it all verbal? It's a verbal contract. What a wonderful thing. I love it. And can I make a suggestion?

Because it sounds like you guys are becoming boys now, which I love. And I think was our dream, even though Jake and I did laugh at Emily's pitch. And I think was our dream, even though Jake and I did laugh at Emily's pitch. Since you guys are buddies now, why not either once a month or during Halloween week? Why not wear the same shirt two days a week just to be big boy brothers? You're like the Bash brothers. Yeah, that would actually be a good idea. I guess for Halloween, we could find a popular culture twin set, you know, from like a movie or something. And we'll dress like that. So, Chris like a movie or something. And, uh, dressed like that.

So Chris, appreciate this followup. Yeah. Congratulations. What an ending. Yeah. Way to go. Thank you so much.

Yeah. All the best. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke.

You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.