We're Here to Help - 56: Two Clowns is a Circus with Zach Woods and Brandon Gardner

Episode Date: February 26, 2024

Gareth, and special guests Zach Woods and Brandon Gardner talk to someone who loves committing to bits more than their wife. Later, Jake and Gareth discuss a therapist’s distracting office and follow up with the second caller from episode 30 “Not When Worlds Collide with Laura Clery.”Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] the video episodes of the podcast at Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodCheck out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com!If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPodAdvertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

and we are back so excitedfman. So excited. I'm excited. Yeah. And someone who's listening to this is very excited, too. I mean. I would hope they would be. Of course. They're listening.

Yes. They're doing their dishes. They're sitting in traffic. And they've come with us now. Yeah. Yes. You're on the journey. Early on, I think when we did our second or third one, I said, well, now we're in the

relationship. Yes. But we weren't. Now we're in the relationship. But I bet six months from now, we're going to knew it yeah yeah yeah now we think we know it now but we don't know anything but that's a very very uh it's a very meta problem so we have a great episode today we have two guests yes and you know what i don't feel like doing the intro like should we set it up a little bit more okay sure go sure, go. We have Zach Woods. Yes.

Brandon Gardner. From the show In The Know. Yes. On Peacock. But we don't want to over promote it. But it's on right now on Peacock. Yes, go watch it. Now really quick, what I want to say about Zach Woods, give him a little shout out. Sure. Zach and I did improv together in New York City in the year 2000. Wow. When I think he was a high schooler right out of high school wow there was a group of us uh and zach was always next level yeah he's one of these guys career i've watched i remember him i honestly think it was a chris gethard katie dippled a whole group of these they were all younger than me where i was like oh these are monsters painful when they're younger too but so like but also so good at the game.

Had to give it up. And so I then moved out of New York. And Zach's career I've always watched. And there are certain people that you see when they're starting that you're like, I know he's going to win. Yeah. Zach is one of those guys. So if you have not seen his show in the know, check it out. And what's it about?

Should we just? Yeah. Why don't we? Here we go. You're supposed to do it with me. That's embarrassing for you. Hello, gentlemen. Hello.

We're doing the intro. So. Do you mind telling us a little bit about your show on Peacock in the know? In the know. It's crucial. It's so important. It's really an important show. It's an election year.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Sort of your responsibility. Makes it. Right. And I think that's all you probably need to know about it. Well, it's really an important show election year yeah oh yeah so do your responsibility right and i think that's all you probably need to know about it well what's the premise it's really an important show and why should people watch it comedically maybe but more that's what i would say you know yeah you're gonna want to be able to tell your kids when they get older you watch what did you do they're gonna say what did you do when In the Know on Peacock came out?

Were you watching? Yeah. So if they miss it now, there's no going back? There's no going back. Not with Peacock. Peacock. It vanishes.

It vanishes. So if you don't watch In the Know on Peacock in the next probably seven to indefinite years, it's vanishing. When Peacock vanishes indefinite years. Yes. It's vanishing. When Peacock vanishes, it vanishes. Right. If there's a solar storm and their servers get erased. But also that's something we also ask specifically

for a kind of Brigadoon model where it's only on there for a little while. And how much time? And contractually, how much time? And it only shows in Scotland. Smart. That's smart. How long is it on there?

I think it varies on the individual. It's based on age. Algorithm. Oh, you guys cracked the algorithm. We asked and we said we want it to be racialized,

we want it to be religious and different races, different religions get different events. If you're Filipino, it'll always be on there. Yeah, you'll always have it. What an interesting model.

But God help you if you're Moldovan. You will. Get to it. You've already lost. You guys had eight minutes. Yes. Yeah. You will. Get to it. You've already lost. You guys had eight minutes. Yes. Yeah.

You couldn't watch a full episode. So in the know on Peacock. Hurry. Maybe now, depending on your region, but try, see if you get lucky if it's in now.

And now, see you later, guys. Back to our intro. Thank you. Good to see you. You too. All right, and we're back.

Do you want to do a return? Beanie, beanie, beanie. Come on. You too. All right, and we're back. Do you want to do a return? Be-de-be-de-be-de. Come on. It's mortifying. Man and God on YouTube. Anyway, enjoy the episode without further ado. Hey, hello there. How you doing?

Hey, how you doing, my friend? Pretty good. Well, welcome to the show. We're here to help. Can we get your name, your age, and where you're calling from, my friend? Pretty good. Well, welcome to the show. We're here to help. Can we get your name, your age, and where you're calling from, please? I'm Johnny. I'm 42 years old. Johnny.

Johnny. Hanging in with the Johnny at 42. I love it. Texas, you said? Yeah. Well, Johnny, we're going to guarantee success on solving your problem today, because you not only have Jake and I, but you also have, from the Peacock Show in the know, you have Zach Woods and Brandon Gardner joining us today.

Welcome to the show, gentlemen. Thank you. Hi, Johnny. So this problem will be solved. You have an issue. What is it? I do. I'm glad Zach's on it, too, because I know he's a bit kind of guy. I like to do bits. I'm in my 40s it too because I know he's a bit kind of guy I like to do bits

I'm in my 40s now I think sadly we all do I think that's a connecting piece for all of us in a bad way one too many bits bits are covering trauma and my wife is not so much into doing them but she'll always convince me in the beginning

that she's finally ready so then i'll start it and then she'll decide that she's not ready and just tell me out wait hold on the phrase finally ready is my favorite part agreed okay it's so sweet and so sad so you like to do bits i uh and your wife will not uh think she can help you commit to the bits but she can't what kind of would you walk us through a question garth so we can sort of get a better sense of what the bit looks like yeah so a few examples um most recently uh we're meeting some friends we haven't seen in a long time and we're meeting them for dinner. I know that they're going to ask how's work for her, right?

Cause she's, she's a hard worker. She loves her job. She's been there for like 20 years. I, when my wife gets drunk, she starts being a DJ with music and she absolutely, I've never seen her happier. I wish she could be a DJ. I really wish she could because it's a weird thing, but she's so happy when she's doing it. So then I say, oh, we should tell them that you quit your job of 20 years.

She's corporate. She's a VP for a large bank to follow your dream of being a DJ. And she's like, okay, how would we do it? So I start walking her through it. She's like, okay, you start. And then I'll kind of follow. And I'm like, okay, this is it. We're going we do it so i start walking her through it she's like okay you start and then i'll kind of follow and i'm like okay this is it we're gonna do it so then of course appetizers come they're like how's work and i'm like funny story you should ask um go ahead lauren and then i started talking about how she's gonna be a dj and she shrivels up and she's like, no, this is just something Johnny wanted to do.

And I'm like, Oh, that's one. I like to, whenever we go to friends places, like a dinner or something like that, if we're taking food, I like to take potato salad, but I like to put like a bunch of raisins in it. You're very funny. I agree. That's a great bit. If you're ever in LA and want to do the show,

you have a good bite. Honestly, that is such a good bit. Just like entirely too many raisins. I mean, but that, what's so great about that bit, like the other one is verbal. What's great about that bit is you're basically like ruining a dish for the bit. Yeah.

Did you have something? I was just going to say what's great about it is is you're basically ruining a dish for the bit. Did you have something? I was just going to say what's great about it is you just get to observe. That's exactly right. The bit's done. I like the gift, like the longest, darkest jean shorts I can find. See, Johnny, wait, hold on. He's got, what other bits you got? So another gift you give on holidays is long, dark jean shorts.

That's a great bit. And then who do you give that to? Just like friends and family? Your mailman? Friends, like my wife. And what is the reaction you mostly get, Johnny? Well, if we're lucky enough to see them open gifts. Oh, you send it even funnier.

You're just dropping bombs, man well done you know what life is too short to not give to not give short exactly it's a long it's long and dark and it's short see the issue we're all like johnny's we're all laughing because you're very good at this. So she's probably caught in a relationship with someone who has a bit of an extra touch skill set. And she loves it. And she might not be it. But yeah, she can't. I mean, you are talking about next level. We're talking about UCB early days commitment, fellas. I know you guys know what I'm talking about.

Early aughts. So, Johnny, what is so now we got a sense of you. Um, I think we all like you. You're very funny. Your wife is less funny, which is okay. You're saying she doesn't want to commit to all these bits is the question.

How do we get this poor woman to live in your world of bits? Or how do you accept the fact that it's sometimes nice not to have another bit maniac with you? Right, so I haven't changed. No, and you're not going to. I got to tell you, my guy, you're not going to. You'd have to. This is like the comedy version of what would require chemical castration.

That's correct. And it's not going to happen. This is a disease that you have that you're going to die with. I think the truth is that it's like, I mean, yeah, we can't force the bits into. You can't. Yeah. Yeah. So I do have a pitch on maybe how we either push her in that direction or we just have

we expand your bit world, which is really what you're after a little bit. Right. Save it. Yeah. Don't lose it. OK, I got it. So what is the specific question that we could help you with johnny what is it that you want the bits that i you know if i'm bringing

potatoes out of the raisins then she might text and be like just a heads up oh she tells on you most of your bits don't seem like they require a partner that's exactly right right so she'll kind of sell me out and then then it's then i'm the weird then i'm like super weird and they know that i'm weird yes by the way i'm i'm totally with you if i'm bringing potato salad with a lot of raisins and everybody knows beforehand and no one eats it then i'm just a weird guy who ruined potato salad that's right and that's different that's different the potato salad still is the king a month it's a good one it is but it's not it's very funny but it's not if let's say you're doing that bit and your wife tells everybody johnny's bringing his gross potato salad and everybody goes fuck all right so now we gotta get a second potato salad. Now you're just an annoying guy. That's 42 who goes by Johnny.

I think that's different. I think my pitch can work in that direction. I would like to hear the specific. What is the question? What is it? Is it about how to recruit her into? Yeah. Just will you say specifically what the question is? If you have it. So how do I get my wife to be on board with these bits? So here's where I'm going to go, Johnny. I know that your question is how to get her on board. And as your friend on this thing, I'm going to go in another direction. I'm going to say you're the bit king and you married a wonderful woman and you got a great relationship,

but you try to bring her into the mud. You know, there's a thing of like, if you hang around dog shit, like you've talked about, like if you have bad friends, you hang around dog shit too much, you're going to start smelling like it too. And in this example, and I say, and I say this as part of you, you're the dog shit, right? So the guy who does this way but johnny the guy who does too many bits and i've always been this guy it's why it took me five years to get through high school is it's fun to be that guy but it's also nice to have a partner who's not if you're ruining potato salad with raisins two clowns is a circus one entertainment. So maybe you're the guy who gives bad gifts. Nobody wants those jorts.

So once you've gotten jorts in the second year, you go, it would have been nice if he gave this thought about me rather than his bits. Right. But maybe your wife then gives a gift where they go like, oh, that was really thoughtful. And then I got fucking jorts from Johnny. Right. But when you get to the 10th, but Johnny, when you get to the 10th jort, they go, we love Johnny and his jorts from johnny right but when you get to the but johnny when you get to the 10th jort they go uh we love johnny and his jorts so my thought would be leave your wife out of it and

she's surprised too if she's ratting you out about the raisins guess what she's lost the privilege to hear the bit she is your first audience member rather than your partner am i out of line no i think you're right uh i quick question johnny completely irrelevant to any pitches have you ever given the jorts as a back-to-back gift meaning year after year meaning someone's gotten jorters no okay okay this year was was a year that i was going to get my buddy another well my buddy is uh the husband of my wife's best friend i was going to get him buddy another, well, my buddy is the husband of my wife's best friend. I was going to get him another pair of jorts because I felt like it was time.

Yeah, that's very sweet. Okay, this is what I would say. Along Jake's pitch, I think all that's very true. Maybe there's a way to- Kevin's dying over there. It was just so gentle the way he said, because it's time. And he sort of lulled us into his world where we're like, that makes sense.

Okay, so I think what you need to maybe do is, this is an option. I think Jake's is right, and I think you have a happy marriage. You should be happy. So part of you might just want to concede that this isn't going to happen. However, you could shame her into getting on board with a bit by tricking her and making her think that she is in on a bit that, you know, she's going to blow. But you tell the people that you're going to pull the bit on that she is in on it. So, for instance, let's say you're bringing raisin potato salad to a party. You tell her this is the bit, you know, she's going to bail.

But you have a few people there and you let them know that you're basically bringing raisin salad with a few potatoes in it. And their job is to act like it's the best thing ever. And that way, she is a little thrown into the bit and she's kind of the mark of the bit. And then you can reveal that. And then that sort of presents a future option of, well, if I cave on the bit and then you can reveal that and then that sort of presents a future option of well if i cave on the bit i don't know if i'm in on the bit or i am the mark of the bit gentlemen any thoughts on that here's my question for you johnny and this might be just like too crunchy but but here's my question what is the feeling when she bails on the bit is it a feeling of is it a feeling of like oh no this thing that i like about, she doesn't like or it makes her so uncomfortable.

She has to kind of anesthetize it. Or is it something where you feel like, oh, this could be so fun and I want to play with you? Is it that you feel like she's not on board for who you are? Like, what is the core feeling when it happens? I guess that's my question. She starts out on board. So like on the way to dinner, I'll kind of bring it up. And then we're talking about it. And it gets me really excited. I'm like, Oh, my God. And I'm just like, brainstorming and thinking what I'm going to say and how ridiculous and I'm going to keep a straight face. And I love seeing other people's faces when they're trying to be sincere and nice. get really really excited about it and then i think it's gonna happen every time like an idiot and then it then she just sells me out and all of that excitement and like the little boy in me

it just gets robbed and why do you think this is really helpful and then can i ask a follow yes why do you think so presumably she's excited about it too when you're when you're a couple of doofus little boys getting ready right she's feeling you don't think she's excited about it too when you're a couple of doofus little boys getting ready, right? She's feeling – you don't think she's being disingenuous in that moment. You think she just – her nerve fails her when you're actually at the do or die time, right? So why do you think – what is happening with her? Have you asked her what is happening in the moment where she hits the eject button? I haven't.

That's a good question to ask she uh she doesn't like to put herself out there or be vulnerable and i think that's a deep take on stupid i know johnny yeah well no that i think that's fair like okay so i was gonna say what people think about her or something like that johnny, I'm going to say there is depth to this, but it's also bits. And here's why I'll say that. So I do a lot of bits. I've got two kids. I've got them into bits.

My wife is like Johnny's wife. And I've been doing bits against my mom since I was a little boy. Raised by a single mom. She's very paranoid. She gets really hot really fast. So since I was a kid, I pretend that like she would say how was school today and i'd be like it was really good mr burgess gave me this like pill that made me like work really fast and she would go what and i would go like yeah he said i was talking too

much it was a little blue pill he said swallow it and don't tell anybody but then i was able to do all my work she would get to the point we would be in the car and she'd be like, and then I'd be like, it's a joke. It's a joke. It's a joke. So Johnny, your wife loved the fact that she's not doing this madness

because living in a fucking big castle is great unless you don't want to. Don't pull her into the madness. Just you live on it. She's your first audience member yeah wait johnny you're so i fucking love you yes just for what it's worth it's so fun you're so funny that's so funny great they're great they're such good bits great bits i think we could move him towards deepening their bond but i don't think that's what this is i think johnny's just looking

for a partner in crime yes and i don't think she's what this is i think johnny's just looking for a partner in crime yes and i don't think she's looking to be yeah and you probably have another group you can play this with your friends but if you do want to ruin your marriage i do have a pitch do it uh okay what about this this is what you set up you do the fit you shave you have a fake mustache you tell your wife at dinner you're going to play a lot with the fake mustache she's on board for the bit you tell the people that this is a bit you don don't have a mustache. She's probably going to call it out, and then you're going to fake get drunk at the dinner. So, you

show up to the restaurant. You go, oh, this new mustache is itching me. She goes, it's a bit. He doesn't have it. You take it off, feign a little bit of aggravation, and start ordering some whiskeys, but you may be set up with the waiter that you want apple juices, and you pretend that you're shit-faced before the appetizers arrive. She's embarrassed, and then at that point, you reveal she's the bit you made the bit about her

and that's what happens when she abandons you i cut this is dark but i kind of agree with garf you know what you could do johnny she's either with you or she's against you that's it and that is you give her one more chance and then you go honey yeah you're my number one ally but i'm the bit king you can either be the queen or you could be on the other side of this moat yeah and guess what's gonna happen you'll be you'll be you'll never know you'll never know so then you give her one more chance but if she doesn't play ball then you know she gets on the anniversary raisin potatoes and jorts or whatever you want to do. But maybe give her one more chance

to come on with the fake world of high stakes. And if not, you say, then unfortunately, it's live by the sword, die by the sword in this family. In this family. And so either you're with me

and we go after them or I go after you. You never know. And what might happen, what I hope happens, is she sees the fun of that and she and the friends go after you. You never know. And what might happen, what I hope happens, is she sees the fun of that and she and the friends come after you. And then you are in a fun big world. Something like that. Yeah, that's good. What do you think you're going to do, Johnny? We've had to leave her out. We've had trick her. We've had go against her. We've had

maybe get to more of the root of what's happening. Where are you at, Johnny? I like the final one. Yeah, I wasn't with it. I wasn't for it at first when you're talking about pretending like I'm drunk at the restaurant. But I do like that you're either with me or against me. Okay. Not in a hostile way.

This is bits, man. This isn't serious. Well, you know, now this is name dropping. This is very name droppy i was at a party with johnny knoxville who i assume will be buried in hollywood forever the most prestigious of the cemeteries but he he said this thing to me which i thought was fascinating he was like i can't do pranks with civilians anymore wow he goes because for me what it means and the threshold and what's okay is so different. And people think they want to fuck with me, but then it's like they don't want that smoke.

They don't want that smoke. Like paintball with a Marine. So maybe figure out, maybe have a conversation with your wife and basically ask, do you want this smoke? And she might say no, but you know what, Johnny? Because you guys have a nice thing. Say, do you want to be with me on these bits?

Do you want that smoke? Or do you just want to be totally out of it? And then let her answer it. And if she says, I want to be in, then go. If you double cross me again, you get me smoked. That's it. What do you think of that, Johnny? I like it.

Our anniversary is coming up, and I think I'm still going to get her jorts with raisins in the pocket. You know what I might recommend for the anniversary a new bit where you bit her and it's it's a big one that's nice because she's fresh and make it make it fresh for her and make it your best bit because if you just give her look if i'm your wife and on our anniversary i get the old raisins like i've seen this a fucking million times oh i got the jorts too no i deserve more she deserves your best bit and what gifts are really about and i've learned this after years of being the worst gift giver and i'm still really bad at it is it's just the thought so the thought that you give her has to have such a high level bit on a bit on a bit that she goes, this is a lot of bits.

And a custom bit. And for her, that ends, that turns, then her friends show up. Then it's something with her life. And then she goes, wow, Johnny. And you go, I've never thought harder on a bit. And the end of the bit is, I love you. If you want to be part of the bits, you can. If you don't, you don't.

The end of it is you ask, do you want the smoke? Yeah. And you're wearing the jorts. And you're eating the raisins. But something that this anniversary shows, you give her so much thought. And the truth is, you're asking if she wants to be your partner in this or no. But it's her option. And you love her no matter what.

It's a new proposal. I think a new proposal. And you're on your knee. Yes. What do you think of that, Johnny? Do you want this smoke? Do you want this smoke? I like that. You going to do it? Yeah, I will. I like that. Will you follow up and tell us the details of what you did? And we'll just do a follow up where you just walk us through that last bit. And I'm going to put pressure on you for it to be great because on the follow up, you're just going to call.'re going to get quiet you're going to talk we're going to say thank you so much sounds good thanks johnny all right johnny godspeed hey hey thank you guys so much today's episode is brought to you by babble that That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right?

Science-backed language learning app that actually works, which I find to be very important. Science-backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor. They come over. They're like asking for snacks.

They're being annoying. Or even waste hours on apps that don't really help. We're here to help, and Babbel is going to help you. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations. So, Jake, for instance, if you want to learn, I started relearning French through Babbel a little bit.

Yes, because I used to know French, but then I don't know French, but it's still there. You know what I like about it is that it's got a speech recognition technology. Yep. Because the problem with learning a new language is if you sound like you're from another country. Yes. If it can actually help

with the accent, that's a big ass turn. And applicable to situations you're gonna find yourself in. Like, when I think back to taking French, it was just so much. It was like, I'm never going to do that. It's like, how do you order food? How do you get a drink?

How do you ask for directions? So Babbel's great. Now listen. Listen, everybody. Should we bring him in? Wait, one quick pause. Should we bring in the closer? Studies from Yale, this is interesting, Michigan State University and others,

prove that Babbel is better. So one study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester of college. So if that's true, which Yale's no joke, it's just putting schooling in a different light. Yes. If you spend 15 hours, let's say you didn't go to college and you always feel like, well, I don't know. I didn't go to college. 15 hours.

You just did a semester. Yeah. That's wild. Yes. You just did a semester. Yeah. That's wild. Yes. That's a wild study. So speaking of language, should we bring in the closer or should I do it? Closer. All right.

Hold on. Let's get him. Kevin. Door's open. Oh, you meant Gil. Yeah. I meant Kevin. What?

I thought Kevin was going to do it. No, I thought we were talking about the closer. We were. He parked in front of all our cars, so might as well. Oh, we can't leave? Well, what's the problem? Go ahead. So that old jalopy is Gil's?

Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. No, keep it running. It's bad for something. A lot of smoke. I'm pausing a serious XM. Now listen, here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners. This isn't for people who don't listen, like Laura from one of the calls earlier. These are standalone.

At Babbel.com slash HTH. Jake, let me finish. Get 55% off Babbel.com slash HTH. Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash H-T-H. We're going to watch you to babble. We want you to babble. I'll tell you what. I don't want to babble your ear off.

I got to go back to the jalopy rules and restrictions. This episode is brought to you by ZocDoc. is brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Garth, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because, as you know,

my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement, and it was crazy. It was a crazy situation and there were so many times so many things like complications were popping up and there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly, somewhere close. You use ZocDoc. Yeah, you would use

ZocDoc because it's just so much harder if you're just like, you know like using search engines to try to find someone and then you call do they take your insurance the problem has it's all there for all the problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up yes and what i like i actually use zocdoc we since we started doing it i do like that it keeps it really clean and you could put all your information in yeah did you use zocdoc for your knee i did use zocdoc for my knee which i am

going to get an mri on uh but we don't think it's a tear that's the good news but i am going to get an mri oh the doctor report back it's just an old man's knee it's actually pretty much what it sounded like doctor said to me about my hips i'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like yeah you're just the i've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this. Well, you're mid-40s, yeah? Ugh, what a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on ZocDoc. But again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors

that take your insurance located near you, treat basically, and again, you can get an appointment quickly. You can also get it same day. That's absolutely right, Jake, if you're lucky. That's right, Gil Buchanan, ones and twos, 68 balmy. Don't worry about it. That's right, I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good, if you're lucky. That's right. Gil Buchanan, ones and twos, 68 balmy. Don't worry about it. That's right.

I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother. You literally never left. Wherever the best time in the world, go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Did you hear how much that costs, Jake? Free. Free. That's right.

And then find and book a top rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H. ZocDoc dot com slash H-T-H. Hello. Hi there. It's happening. Are you ready for the ride of your life? I'm ready.

Kevin said no there because there was a technical issue. No, Gareth, stop. Actually, she can't hear you guys. Hold on. Let me say that again. Are you ready for the ride of your life? Let's go from the top with a little less enjoyment. Are you ready? How's it going there? You're on the podcast officially. I'm with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds. It's the boys. We're back in town and we're ready to help. What's your name? Where are you calling from? And your age, roughly.

Awesome. My name is Andrea. I'm from Massachusetts. And I'm calling about a specific issue. Or, oh, you didn't have to say your age. Wait, hold on. A what issue? Specific. Did you say specific? Or Pacific. Because if you're in Massachusetts, you shouldn't have a Pacific issue. Or maybe that's the issue. You're nowhere near it. The Mox Brothers will be right back. Sponsored by Rocket Buddy. You can cancel your subscriptions at any time.

That's right, everybody. All right, so Andrea with an A from Mass. You're about 30s? Yeah. 31? 34? We'll go with 31. What's your sign here? Let's get into it.

A yield? I am a cancer. Ooh. Or no, I'm a Leo. Leo's known for not knowing their sign, actually. That's one of the specifics of Leo. How old are you? Let's say 31.

Let's say mass. Not specific, but pacific. Listen. What's your sign? I'm whatever you want me to be. What's your issue? Whatever you guys want to help with. So, Andrea, you're the boss here, Lady Jane.

So, I am a therapist in Massachusetts, and I have an office that I've been renting for over a year. And it's a great office. I really like it. No issues whatsoever. Other than the fact that the last couple of months or so, I have been getting an influx of flies throughout some of my sessions. So it makes for an awkward therapy session when I offer to kill some flies that are hovering around. And I'm talking that in one single day, I've gotten 15 flies in there. No windows open.

I have no idea how they're getting in, but I'm not sure what to do. What kind of flies are they? Are they like gnats or are they like fly flies? Yeah, they're fly flies. And they're, so I usually have trouble killing flies at home, and this might be a little too much information, but at the office, they're super docile. So I don't know what's in their system, but it's very easy to tell them.

Maybe they're listening to you give advice. They're like, that's very good. You've calmed them down. Yeah. First of all, I got to say, i like this call yeah okay good uh and i gotta say andrea i too personally and kevin does not know this and he booked this call i have this problem in my house you have a fly issue every once in a while and i don't know why and i've closed everything up and i've searched for the old food. I've searched for a dead animal.

I don't know where these motherfuckers. Searching for a dead animal is a fun move. Yeah. Okay. But I don't know their origin story, but every once in a while. Is it seasonal? Nope. No.

Every once in a while, there'll be one, then there's three, then there's five, then there's 20, then there's none. And this is not from leaving doors open no no so first of all i want to say i relate and i'm with you what do you do maybe that'll be baked into your advice well i'm we're gonna get to my methods because i get a little bit uh i get a little what is it marty sheen in apocalypse now i would imagine that that would be more of your vibe yeah and i don't think andrea probably wants to end up in her underpants sort of looking at a ceiling with a cut hand wilding out uh i i name the guys as your wife comes into the room you got a rag on your head you're like they're just coming out of nowhere i'll tell you what i start doing is i uh humanize them a little bit

and i give them names because what there's a few of them what you'll see is some are easy to kill uh just nobody's nothing's every once in a while you'll have one where you'll go like this has been good 12 hours you motherfucker and that motherfucker gets a name yeah i do know that a little bit yeah i know the sense where you're like you know honestly can we just say a respectful battle 100 and i A hundred percent. And I'll do that. And I'll go like, I'm not messing around, Alvin. You're that man. But I'll tell you what. So am I.

So am I. And by the way, what's the lifespan of a flight? 40 hours? So it's really. I'm no man of science. Really fast, Andrea. What kind of therapy are you doing in that office? Talk therapy.

So like cognitive behavioral therapy, just kind of the stereotypical. You go into the office and you talk for about an hour and try and, you know, help cope with different things that are going on. Well, good for you. That's good stuff. And I'm guessing the issue is that you feel like people are distracted or judging you or some version of that. I'll tell you what, it's gross. If I'm laying on my back saying stuff about, you know, my relationship with my dad and how in 1984 somebody called me stupid and then all of a sudden I hear...

You feel like a pile of manure. Yeah, and then I'm going to go, I'm such a piece of shit I brought these flies in with me. You know, it's hard for me to not believe I'm a piece of shit when I have eight flies on my arm. So let me just tell you, Gareth, you are not a piece of shit. Hold on. I got to get this one over here.

There's literally nine by your head. One of them is a horsefly. It bit me. You know what you could do, Andrew? You could blame it on each client and in the middle of the go, I've never seen these before, just as a form of therapy. What sort of deodorant are you wearing? They seem to be attractive.

Do you wear deodorant? Do these flies travel with you, dear? Oh, I don't know. These are not normally here. I thought you brought them. They've never been in my office. So as soon as you started talking about your relationship with, what was it, Stephen? 15 flies appeared.

Wait. And then I would imagine maybe a little hard for you to focus at times, right? You're probably like, oh, God, I missed that detail. You're living in a nightmare, Andrea. Is that correct? It is little hard for you to focus at times right you're probably like oh god i missed that detail you're living in a nightmare is that correct it is definitely hard for me and then also i noticed the clients notice it at times as well and so then you know and if there's you know one that's one thing but it's literally five so it's either me chasing these down around the room mid-session or it's us pretending they're not there i will say if i went to a therapist we got to talk and i go, she's great.

And I go, my wife goes, how'd it go? I go, great. Besides she's got the, she's got a fly problem. Yeah. What do you mean? I go, her office is covered in flies. She's a disgusting animal. She's, she's not the one for me.

So you're in a world of trouble. I would definitely be like, this is distracting. Not working. Yeah. While I'm talking, there's flies. What have you done to try to get rid of it? Yeah. So my windows don't open at all.

So I'm assuming they're coming from like a vent. So I've tried to do, you know, things around that. But also, it's not just my room. It's like the entire building. Because I find some dead flies in the waiting room. And so I almost have to do like a maintenance to sweep the area. There's some stink bugs, but they're less destructive. You're renting this space, I'm assuming?

Yeah, I don't think she bought an office space in a building. You don't know that? Who buys the office space? A lot of people buy office space. Really? Yeah. No. Don't look it up.

68 and Balmy. And have you tried to do anything? Have you raided the room? Have you bought any like fly killers or anything like that? Or you just were like, I'm going to call these guys on the podcast first and see what these two men who don't know much about insects have to say. Well,

I listened to your podcast every single time you guys upload an episode on my way to work. Thank you. Thank you. You know what? That's not lost on us. No. And you know what?

Now I know why you're a therapist. Cause you're a smart person. Yeah. And you're probably listening to You know what? Hey, that's not lost on us. No. And you know what? Now I know why you're a therapist because you're a smart person. Yeah. And you're probably listening to our podcast going, boy, these guys know how to solve problems. You probably. As a professional. Wait, hold on. Do you listen? Because you said going to work to give yourself confidence.

Please say no. Do you quite literally listen and go, no matter what I do, I have an office full of flies and it smells like manure, but I'm better than those assholes. I like that. I like how we're adding that it smells like manure just because I said manure. I'll tell you what, it doesn't smell like roses. That's absolutely right on that. Now, Andrea, have you ever listened to the show and thought to yourself, hey, that was horrible advice? No, never. It was a long pause. Well, she's lying. So this isn't about us, this is about you. And I'm going to give you my first pitch. So the pitch is not going to be, now that you said it was a building wide problem, this is a problem greater than your ability to fix. In my opinion, you have been there for a

year. You're not married to the space. This is time to cut loose, get yourself a quote unquote mistress, which is your new place and make the move. Because I'll tell you what your clients will do. They're not loyal to that little box with windows that don't open. They're loyal to you. And you don't want to have a situation where you're lying on your back talking about your papa and your nana in the homeland. And then a bunch of flies buzz on your face, it takes you out. Your fake client is amazing.

I am picturing some Russian immigrant. It was long both rides. Okay. That kid came alone. By the way, it doesn't sound good. It's just me and potatoes. I literally watched the beginning of The Godfather 2. And we're back.

A lot of context there. Well, listen, commercial office space is collapsing, collapsing it seems so that's definitely a possibility before you do that i used to go to a therapist and he used to have a white noise machine um to sort of drown out so that nobody in the waiting room could hear i thought you were gonna say to drown you out probably in a lot of ways i was white noise he had a white noise machine and headphones and earplugs, and he literally quit. And he was shaking a bag of flies every time I came in going, this can't work. Leave. Get out.

Get out. How many signals do you need, boy? And so you can buy a little. I was just looking online, and I mean, there's these little fly killers you can buy. I have had fruit flies many times, and it is hell on earth. But Garf, here's where we fly killers you can buy. I have had fruit flies many times and it is hell on earth. But Garth, we're not here's where we're not going, Andrea. Forty dollars. You're not going to create an office space with a bunch of weird like tape.

No, but you say it's a white noise machine was my point. Oh, like create the sound. Yes. If it makes a noise, you got a white noise machine. I just don't want people in the lobby to hear what we're talking about. I've got a question for you, Andrea. And I know we got a fake name and a fake agent and a fake sign, so no one's going to come back to you. You're probably on Los Feliz. What percentage of people cry during a

session? I say this asking for myself. I would say it depends on what they're dealing with, but I would say maybe 20%. Embarrassing for me. I was ever come in with the problem and said, it's just that my therapist has so many flies and I think I need to leave her. Yeah. Now pretend you're in my office and there's flies going around. Okay. So now you're at home.

Okay. Now I want the truth here. Have you ever, while somebody was talking, just thought, Oh, for fuck's sake, shut up.

And percentage of times you thought, no, no, Andrea, you've got a fake name. The the only way we're gonna get to the bottom of the truth here and figure out how to get rid of these flies is to get to the truth with you there we go i'm not sure what he's saying but i'm behind him 100 same thing with therapy if you know people are bullshitting you you know we're never gonna get to the the truth behind why nana hurt you so bad let's get real have you ever thought shut the fuck up you're bitching too much has that ever happened i have honestly never had that train of thought in my mind you're gonna have flies for the rest of your goddamn career because you're not honest

andrew i'm joking obviously what uh what are you thinking so far edgar because i will also say have you ever heard a bug assault no okay well it it's a gun that shoots little bullets that kills flies. No. So, hold on. That could be a nice vibe during a session to just sort of Terminator 2 out, a little bug assault, and you're just sort of popping them off one by one. Look, we've given you three tough options. And here's what we've given you.

Gareth has created, which I think is his best pitch, the idea of some sort of a white noise that pushes flies away. I think those are mostly for, mostly for mice and stuff like that. Well, no, it's not even that. It would kill the flies, but you could justify the noise if someone's like, hey, you could Oh, you're talking about when those zappers? Yeah. You're insane.

Nope. So those zappers, I have one. They're very loud. They're jarring. White noise. It scares dogs. White noise. So imagine this, Gareth.

Okay. I don't know. I just feel like my wife and I have them. Nobody in the lab is going to hear you. Go ahead. Then you make the white noise sound. So my wife and I. It's not great.

It's not my best pitch. So gun assault, which is, I guess, in the middle of a session, you start shooting at flies. You've told me they're slow and dumb. I do think naming them is fun, but it's not going to help you. In closing, here's my advice. You got to pick up and you got to leave. You got to get a new office. This issue is not going to follow you. What's your lease? What's your lease? When are you out? Is it month by month? I think it is. It's out in March and it's the most affordable lease that I've found. Of course, because it's full of flies.

So listen, you can go like this. You can go like this. I have this amazing house. And you go, no kidding. You go, it's so cheap. What's going on? Well, there's literally like a dead person. There's literally, it smells like manure

and there's a hole for a bathroom that you just shit in. But I'm not paying anything. You pay for what you get you have a fly infested office and you're a therapist this cannot i'm telling you this as a friend you're practicing flycology uh why not a title it not wow that hurts uh why not um why not talk to the person you rented from and explain this problem and maybe get a couple other people who rent spaces from there too and ask if they have a fly problem and sort of strengthen numbers kind of talk to the people who manage the building and say look you've got a you've got an issue so the

idea where we're coming is gareth is saying kind of unionize the office against the landlord and get something done i still think you're in a world of trouble i say say leave. Where do you think you're at? I might look for other places while I, so like a hybrid of while I talk to the owners. The owners just changed over, so maybe there will be a little bit more action with the new owners.

Yes. So I'll be able to address it, and then maybe I'll keep my eyes open for a new place while I do that. But I like the idea of humanizing the flies too, because, you know, they matter also. Humanize and unionize. What I would do is talk to the new owners. Title, possible. Maybe on the next call. Talk to the new owners and say, this has been an issue that

you've been talking to the old owners about for about a year. Everyone in there is sick of it. People are going to start leaving. Just do something like that really but i will say if you do the humanizing of the flies which i like don't lean into that when you have a client yes and i'm going to tell you why i'm sitting there and i'm in a vulnerable spot and then my therapist goes like i'm so sorry freddy's on your nose i go say it again and then she goes sarah's up in the corner. I'm going, this is Sarah. I'm going, this is another moment that old J.D.J. has made a bad decision. I'm sitting on the wrong fucking couch. And I'm going to go, whatever my copay was today, keep it.

Can we prorate the hour? Yeah. I think we're about 33 minutes. I'm going to boogie woogie. You have fun with Sarah, Alvin, and Jason, and whatever you friends are doing. Give them therapy. I'm going out and getting myself a big gulp. Andrea, thank you for the call.

Yeah, good luck. Thank you so much. This episode is brought to you by another food place because we are true fat boys. We like to eat over here. Because you have to say. Well, we got to help. Yeah, no, but you've got to say when you're saying yes to an ad, is this something you like?

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Yeah. What do you have? Cholesterol? No, no. He was like... Oh, mix in the protein bit of the protein. My doctor said I had to. There's no protein? Really? Yeah. What do you have? Cholesterol? No, no. He was like, Oh, mix in the protein. Yeah, yeah. I gotcha. He doesn't inject it in, if that's what you thought. But look, Factor delivers meals. It's super easy around your schedule. It's the perfect solution if you're looking for fast, premium options with no cooking required. Just sign up and

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I don't like Gareth. Let's do it. Today's episode is sponsored by Booking.com, a.k.a. Booking. Yeah. That's right, Jake. Listen, as you know, I'm on the road currently in a hotel currently that I booked on Booking.com previously. And you told us that. I don't. Nope.

I don't want to get into that too much. I i just want to say how great but no go ahead i mean well that you said it's pretty funny so the stand-up places book most of your nights but on the layover night when you don't have the club book in it you needed to book your own space and you said i used booking.com and it was so easy well we said well this is the goddamn commercial. No, you also pointed out that I have a room with two beds because when I pay for it, Luke, who's my opener, he and I share a room because, you know, you try to save money on the road,

which is why I use booking.com. And another thing that's great about booking.com is this situation without the two beds that I booked on Booking.com becomes a lot more Three Stooges-esque if it's one bed. So I get the two beds. They make it easy on you. You know what you're going to get when you show up. You're very familiar. It doesn't matter if you're looking for a remote mountain cabin or a relaxing beach resort or a hotel that you share with a guy you met in college there's multiple a multitude of choices you can get at booking.com i agree and i was just told when my kids spring break is and

my wife said we have nothing planned if you want to plan something and i thought oh i didn't realize this is uh gonna be on the old jakester and i'm gonna go to booking.com and in your head when you figure out a weird four days to keep everybody busy so the kids don't drive me nuts so booking.yeah save me there we go so uh this spring check out booking.com for your ideal hotel or vacation home no matter where you go in the u.s book whoever you want to be on Booking.com. Booking.com. Booking. Yeah. Hey, everyone. This is producer Kevin here. This is a follow-up from episode 30 called Not When Worlds Collide, and this is the second call from that episode. So if you want to have a quick refresher, check out Not When World's Collide. Enjoy the follow-up.

Hello. We know that this is a follow-up, but we don't know with whom. Can we get your name, and can you remind us a little bit of who you are? Okay, yeah. This is Bea. We had talked before about, oh, my God, the issue with my fifth grader having worn nipple clamps to school as earrings. Wow.

And so to recap, I feel like I'm seeing an old friend. Me too. Me too. So your daughter was going through some old boxes of yours, found some nipple clamps, warmed to school. boxes of yours found some nipple clamps warm to school if i remember the principal was uh you were going to talk to the principal about this is this correct yeah that is that is correct and i i had i talked to her after my daughter walked in because i know that we had talked before i showed you a picture yeah they don't look like look like earrings. They firmly look like nipple clamps. Exactly.

And your daughter came home, and then you sort of realized, oh, my God. And then just refresh our memory. Did anyone from the school reach out to you, or did you reach out to the school? I reached out to the school. Another crazy move, but okay. I agree. Daughter wearing nipple clamps, you have to get in front of it. It's dicey.

Okay. Anyway, you did it. Okay. Yeah. So I, yeah, I reached out to the school because I kind of know the principal and we had like had some recent conversations about appropriateness. We're very much like active in the LGBT community here. And the school tends to lean quite a a lot more conservative and i didn't know

if they would even say anything was like boy i think we had two separate conversations to be quite honest with you uh b thought we were in agreement yeah we're all allies but what's going on you let me down honey okay she didn't know right she. She hadn't noticed. Nobody had noticed because obviously I'm insane. Of course, no one would assume that. Sure. Yeah. And so what, what's, has there been anything new that has happened since? Yep.

What happened? And I don't know what to do now. Floor is yours. Your son wore a penis pump as a hat. Call the principal. Honey, we're here again. All right, so what happened? So my kiddo is in like gifted program stuff,

and I'm not going to get too far into details of that because if anybody hears this, they'll know exactly who I'm talking about. So we had to have a meeting with the school, with just her, about what the protocol was going to be for her going forward exactly who I'm talking about. So we had to have a meeting with the school, with just her, about what the protocol was going to be for her going forward with some of her advanced stuff. So we're talking about that. It went really well. Meeting is great. We're heading out of the office. My

kiddo walks out ahead of me. And then I said to the principal, I was like, hey, thank you for being so great about this and being so understanding. I thought about bringing you a bottle of wine or something, but I don't know if it's appropriate bringing alcohol into an elementary school. And she goes, well, I mean, I was hoping for something else. And I was like, what do you mean? And she said, think really hard about our last conversation, what you think I could be talking about. I panicked a little and kind of like laughed and was like well that's super funny maybe I should do that and she was like no like you should do that

what? stop it and I can't tell if she was joking she's not joking B are you let's just bottom line it just if there's some people like me listening are you saying that there was a vibe that she was kind of being like

clamp my nipples be holy fuck treat my titties like your daughter's lobes let's play mousetrap on my chest i've watched this video before and like so many times this is one of my go-to i'm gonna pull a jake line this is real this really happened this really happened it really happened and you know there's like the whole like the stereotype of like lesbian and bisexual women can't tell when other women are hitting on them and that's like the truest thing in the entire world i genuinely can't tell if she was joking or serious because this is like as far as i knew a conservative woman was like a whole mess oh yeah oh yeah they they don't have freak sides oh my god a conservative principal i think this is wild the fact that it's a conservative well okay b very quickly very quickly we need a water

break yeah very very quickly jake's gonna put his head in a barrel of water real quick very quickly is the teacher uh conservative married straight all that by appearance yeah are you single do i remember do we have this uh no you're not nope married okay married together for 10 years no interest in this situation of course interest listen to this woman you know yes okay but hold on we're not we're not going down the road i would love to go down this road i know i don't dead end a hold on. We're not going down the road. I would love to go down this road. I know. Don't dead end a good road. Fine, you're right.

It's a great road. I agree. I'm on ways. I want to go down the road! All right. Thank you, Heather. Is any part of you curious about exploring this? I think anyone who says that they're not is a liar.

Right. Okay. So now the new predicament, maybe not even the reason why you called, but just sort of the energy we're picking up on is that potentially now you don't know if this principal is putting out a vibe, a nipple clamp vibe. And you also aren't sure if you would be upset if she were. Yeah, no, I for sure wouldn't be upset if she was. In your relationship right now, would you have the option to pursue this in any capacity yeah okay now this is very interesting now do you think you want to try to do that do you want to push a little bit more to see if there's if she didn't she wouldn't have told us

something around there i you know i think oh my is going to sound terrible. I don't want to do any work. Nobody does. It's fine. I have a pitch. I have a pitch too. But the floor is yours. I want you to talk a little bit. I think that the, I mean, the reason that I called really is,

is I can't tell if she was joking. And then, and then if she's not joking and like, actually that will be like well received if I, and then is that a joke or is she like serious? Yeah. Even in the context of actually that being a real life thing to do. Do you know what I mean? Should I, should I bring her like a weird kinky gift?

And then if I did, is that a joke or is that like a. Here's the, no, hold on. Hold on. Yeah. Oh, a% you bring the kinky gift with a letter that says, per your request, then with a thanks for being so cool about everything, B, and their nipple clamps. Then the ball's out of your court. However, I will. Let me add a little something.

Two words in the English language that help everything. Fuck you. Ha ha. Oh, you ha ha oh ha ha ha ha yeah hey here are those nipple clamps you requested ha ha b agreed lol ha ha ha yeah i don't disagree so b what do you think of that because we could pitch around in circles on this, but it's going to end with us saying, give the principal some nipple clamps and let's see what happens. I can't believe we're going to be requesting a third call. A 50th call. I think it's a spinoff.

I think the new show is called We're Here to Talk to Be. We're Here to Clamp. I think we've already established that I've been sane enough that I'm obviously going to do that. Okay, so when you've finished with that and there's something that happens, will you please call again? Yeah, sure. Please. And I don't, by the way, Bea, if I may, don't, yeah, sure us. Come on, we're all in the same group.

We're pals. And by the way, we need this. With so much enthusiasm. Yeah. Yes, definitely, 100%. All right, so Bea, we need this. With so much enthusiasm. Yeah. Yes, definitely. A hundred percent. All right. So B, we'll talk to you soon.

Yeah. B, I mean, yeah. What are you going to put in the letter? What are you going to say to her really fast? Probably two things. I'm probably going to do like a wine and alcohol gift certificate and also those. a wine and alcohol gift certificate, and also those.

And then a note that says, per your request, and then some kind of emoji. How about this? Per your request, LOL. Per your request, haha, and then sign your name and say, P.S. They ain't earrings. That's fun.

B, listen. Please follow up. Listen, we don't say this to all of our callers. You legally have to follow up. Okay? We will take you to court if you don't follow up. I'll stop doing the podcast. The show's over if you don't follow up, B.

So, you know what I mean? Yeah, B, this is big. Can you do this as soon as possible? If she... Yes, I will do my best. No matter what happens, you follow up. happens hold on let's let the woman talk if she issues a restraining order against me i'm blaming both of you it's entirely your fault i'm naming you in the court document i agree that's happening b if if it goes sideways uh

yeah we will reach out to her with an apology and say it was all for a show oh yeah that'll help uh i uh i think i think you're in a good spot. It might. We're definitely putting you in a spot where you can walk away from this going, I was kidding. L-O-L. L-O-L.

If it goes really badly as an apology, you guys can just do like a cameo for my daughter who's so obsessed with New Girl that the fact that this podcast exists is going to be her 25th birthday present. We'll make one right now. We'll send it to you, and then we can't wait for the follow-up.

Okay. Thank you so much. That's so nice. Bye, B. Bye, B. Okay, bye. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds.

The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com. The album artwork is by James Fostyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.