We're Here to Help - 6: Winning the Prom Dance with Zooey Deschanel

Episode Date: September 5, 2023

Jake, Gareth, and special guest Zooey Deschanel talk to a caller trying to get to know their coworker. Later, someone asks for some men’s health advice.  Check out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com!Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPodAdvertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

and welcome to episode seven of we're here to help. Six. And Jake, dare I say, we are helping a lot of people. Seems like the general mental health of the country has improved because of us. Would you agree? Do you really believe that? I do. I think we're seeing a pod bump. You think we're helping the mental health of the country? Well, yeah.

I think we're a North Star. I don't want to get too heady, but I think we're a North Star for people. And people, it's a movement without question. It's a movement. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Well, that's why I love you, because you're optimistic.

And an idiot. So we have another special guest star in this episode, which we're very excited about. It's someone who we've both worked with on New Girl. Jake, it's your main co-star. i'm very excited about this one zoe dashanel joins the podcast she was uh the first person we asked to do it i owe her a lot in my career as a kind of a friend and as a professional she taught me a lot she's really funny as always really great. And, uh, I felt really honored. She came and did the pod. Yeah. And she's great in this episode. Like she's always great. She's a killer. Yeah. So we have, uh, we have a nice call with her. And then, uh, after

that we, um, we, we solve, we have a less nice call. Yeah. We have, we have a harsher call. So, uh, so stick around for the sweet one. Uh, and then, uh, that followed by, uh, a less nice call. Yeah, we have a harsher call. So stick around for the sweet one, and then that followed by a very crazy one. And then, Gareth, you have something to tell the wonderful people of the United Kingdom, who we've also noticed have started listening to the pod. And we're very excited to have them. I'm a dual citizen,

and I will be there doing stand-up comedy from, I think, September 14th through the 24th and you can go to gareth reynolds.com i'll be hitting cities in the uk in scotland and uh and dublin ireland so go to gareth reynolds.com and there are tickets available jake everybody enjoy the show hi do you mind telling us your name, please? Lexi. Lexi. And Lexi, where are you from? Hi, Lexi.

Hi, everyone. I'm in Ontario, Canada. So Lexi, you're on with Gareth Reynolds and Zoe Dashanel and myself, Jake Johnson. Welcome to the podcast. Thanks, everyone. Thanks for having me. So do you mind getting us started and letting us know why you're calling in today? Jake Johnson, welcome to the podcast. Thanks, everyone. Thanks for having me. So do you mind getting us started and letting us know why you're calling in today? Yeah, sure. So I just started a new job and I share an office with someone and he's the most interesting character I've ever encountered, like in a corporate, like I'm in the corporate world. It's almost like I'm not there.

And my first week that I shared an office with him, he offered to show me one of the programs that we use. And he said, yeah, my calendar is up to date. So feel free to just pick a time that works for you as well. And I said, yeah, thank you so much for showing it to me. If you have five minutes today, I'd love to know like your background, how long you've been here, like just kind of find out more about you. And he said, oh, we can talk about it during our scheduled meeting. Like the scheduled meeting that's in a week when we sit five feet apart. So I'm just really at a loss. Like I have no idea what to do. I've tried to engage in conversation with him and he's just not having it at all. But how tight is the shared space, Lexi? Like our desks are maybe four and a half feet

apart. Okay. So it's not a situation where it would be easy to avoid him if it's like, sure, he's not a friendly guy, but who cares? There's always somebody who you don't really get on with, but you guys are kind of in it together. are there others around or is it really just you and this guy no it's a closed office so everyone sort of has closed offices and they're all shared spaces okay and what's his what's his name his name is stan stan so zoe if it was that the first take of maybe he just doesn't want to talk. If you're in a little closed off space with him. I know. That gets different.

I can empathize because you sound kind of like me. I am a friendly person. Generally, people say, I can't believe you're this awake at this hour. I'm like a person that gets to work at like five. I'm like, good morning, everybody. But I think I've realized that some people just like are not like that. And this just seems like an issue of like he's just really different from you. You guys work totally. You're like opposites.

And it's just like how you coexist. Like is there an option to switch offices? Maybe you say like, you know, maybe Stan and I aren't the best office mates because there might be some introverted person that would be a great office mate. Like they'd both be like in their own little zone, not bothering each other. But like your extroversion and his introversion are just like clearly like at odds with one another. And it's like not because he sucks and you don't or you suck and he doesn't. It's just because you're both so different

and your styles are different. But here's my thought, Zoe. Yes, practically speaking, you're dead right. Some people are oranges and some people are bananas and they're just never going to be the same thing. But God damn it, this is an arranged marriage. Lexi and Stan didn't pick each other. Their quote unquote parents did, the corporation.

They're locked in this thing together. And we both know from when, you know, seven years working together, we would have people in that hair and makeup trailer that very clearly in those mornings, we wouldn't be excited about a new guest coming in with a weird vibe. But yeah, let's get some names. What are some of those names? I would say Brian season seven, the guy who just plowed through. Let's plow through with the advice.

You said it. I didn't. Thank you. But I think there are ways to break through. And I think what we could try to help you with today, Lexi, is ways to break Stan down and get him out of robot mode and into let's find some. Go ahead, Zoe. This was my set. Well, I was just going to say that.

That was like my second thing I was going to say. So like, would changing be an option or no? No. So I think what's happened is that this is the last space and I'm the newest one to join. And so this is the space. And I definitely want to say that, like, I don't need to be best friends with this person. But I also just feel very uncomfortable being iced out. So I definitely am not going to be like bombarding him with like, be my friend. And that's definitely not what I'm going for. But it's just so cold that it's so bizarre.

It just makes me feel awkward in my own workspace. You need a little human back and forth. If he's eating a turkey sandwich, you go, how is it? And he goes, good. And you could say, I don't, you know, I don't like turkey. He goes, I do. And you fake chuckle and move on. You just need to treat each other like human beings, not two robots. Gareth, am I out of line here where are you thinking you're not out of line but i mean he's kind of dictating the terms of this let me ask you a couple of questions real quick lexi you're canadian correct correct is he canadian yes i'm willing to bet i can answer that too yeah in ontario canada do you talk to him about can stuff, guys. Hold on.

Problem solved. Thank you for the service. Hockey. Hockey. Maple syrup. Maple syrup. Moose. Now, he was in this office before you.

Was there someone else sharing that office with him before you? I'm not sure. I don't think so because the team is growing so i think maybe he was in that space and no one's been there before i think gareth are you kind of going with the fact that maybe he's like a cop and his old partner was the best and now he's got a new cop partner who's just not ready to warm up to Lexi? Yes. And his old partner is dead, so that's painful. It's 100% right. When you came in there that first week and you said like, you know, maybe we can get to know each other.

And he said during the scheduled sit down, what happened at that scheduled sit down with him? Well, what happened was, is that he went through, I'm so glad you asked. He went through the program that he was offered to'm so glad you asked he went through the program um that he was offered to show me which was nice um and then when we got to the end it actually took up the full hour and I said okay great and so how long have you been here and he's like I need to I need to this is the end of our meeting and I need to jump into a different one. Ooh, Stan iced you out. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's almost like a challenge for me now. Like I'm almost like, I'm going to crack this nut, but I don't know if it's worth it, honestly. I would match his energy. I go, okay. The more you want to connect with a person who doesn't want to connect with you, it probably feels tough for them because they feel like forced into connection. So if you just say like, it's fine, I'll let you be, just try to let go of wanting to connect with them.

Because at this point it sounds like it's a tough thing for him. So, so maybe just try to let go of it and that might actually be the key to connecting with them so i think what you're what you're pitching is a very respectful long play and that is you're matching the energy and then slowly you're hoping stan goes you know like a little bird in an egg slowly cracks out and then goes like my mother's from toronto and then you go like, I love the city and you could build a really nice relationship based off of patience. That is a really respectful take. I'm going the other. Okay. You're in a shared space, which means yes, to be respectful to Stan matters, but in the same sense, he's fucking up your day so i'm leading out with bits but i'm not

viewing stan as my audience i'm viewing stan as my co-partner and there's an invisible audience lexi i know exactly your move and i see you doing this move i can see you doing that too i can see you doing this move because i think you would do it, not even with people who were like Stan, but there would just be a guy on set that's just like a real quiet guy, maybe.

You'd just start laughing and be like, Stan, you're the best. That's exactly right. The closer. I would give him a nickname. I would find... the best. That's exactly right. You're right. The closer. The closer. Yeah. I would give him a nickname.

I would find, if Stan was wearing a blue tie, I'd be like, I got to tell you, that thing looks sharp on you. I wish I could pull blue like you, but maybe it's those eyes, Stan. You're looking great,

God damn it. And then bring in matching baseball caps one day. Then one day I would try to on purpose dress like them and I'd go, look at us, twins. And I would pretend that there was some audience there. And the reason this could help, Lexi, is some people just don't want to socialize at all. Other people don't have a way in. And if he knows that no matter what, you're on his team. So let's say you start doing bits and then you're in the

common eatery and there's others and he walks by you're not making fun of him in your heart of hearts that's your guy so you go like Stan how you doing and he waves and then people go like he's really quiet and you go great guy you don't know Stan like i do you don't know stan's a load of fun actually giving way back and we're super tight yeah but just make sure the dynamic is that you're making fun of stan because if the if he's quiet like this most likely my guess is he didn't have the easiest teenage years wow he probably doesn't love to open up socially because probably it didn't go great for young Stan. You don't go from like winning the prom dances, whatever those awards are called, to then all of a sudden being like quiet in an office. Right. It's a lot like the Eminem song, Stan.

It's tough. It's it's unrequited. Can you mute Gareth, please? No, no, I can mute myself. If we need me to mute, I can mute myself. I don't mind doing that. Hey, Garfman, what would you do here? I have two swings. Here's my first one, which is maybe a little more practical. Find out if he has

an Instagram or any kind of social media, and without him knowing that you're on it, can we all find Stan right now? Yes, absolutely. Because I would love to cyberstalk him. Absolutely. How great would that be for him to find that out?

What if he was like a TikTok influencer? And what if he did like really funny dances? Great dances. Oh, that would be the best. Like Stan. I mean, honestly, I doubt he has any social media. That's the kind of level of i thought that might be the case but that would just be a way to pick up on some little thing you know but okay you might find out horrible stuff on social media too

oh yeah you're totally right yeah so many options He's into like super weird piercings and you're like, oh my God. Wait, before you go on, Gareth, before you go on and remember exactly where you're at. Have you Googled, have you stalked this guy at all, Lexi? Because what Zoe just said is interesting.

Maybe Stan's a super weird guy. But then if I find that out, that's going to make it even worse because then I'm not going to want to connect with him and I'm going to know that I'm in an office with a super weird guy but what if you found out that he's a really he's a super nice guy and he's got a family and they like do barbecues on sunday and you know whatever he loves like yeah i mean it could go either way right it could go either way did you say he loves sunsets i said fencing fencing's even weirder if i if i stalk somebody and i go like this

he's a super fun guy he barbecues on sunday he loves fencing my thought is switch my fucking office he can put a sword in my heart lexi just show up in a fencing outfit and see what happens. I think that never falls. Oh, my God. Wait. Here's another play that's kind of like in between Jake's play and my play. Okay? Let's hear it. Let's hear it. You don't engage him.

You just start showing up to the office in weirder and weirder outfits. I love it. Every day. You show up in a full Darth darth vader outfit yeah but like don't even say anything just be like hey stan uh what's up and don't say anything and just see what how far do you have to go to get stan to react so zoe i love this but this is this is uh this is a zone i'm not kidding le, Lexi, I would push at, and that is see if you could find the thing that breaks the ice

by allowing yourself to be ridiculous. You know, do more and more things. And finally he goes like, is every day, do you have a different mug that has a joke on it with my name at the end of it? Like make mugs that say like get like stan you the man you know are so stupid so eventually he has to go like what are you doing and you just go i'm just trying to get to know you my guy we're stuck in this box stormtrooper you're like buddy i'm just trying to figure you out

all right garth man back to where you were. Okay, this is my last pitch, and it's not good. I'll say that right off the bat. But look, we tried honey. We've tried honey. Let's lean into the vinegar pitch. So you're trying. He's not.

I think at this point you shut it down. So remove any hellos. Stop trying to be nice. Start acting like he wronged you in some way and just act pissed off and see if that breaks through. If that doesn't, I'm going to pitch the sitcom trope of tape down the middle of the office and you sort of tape down the wall, tape down the middle of the office and you sort of explain to stan he's got his side you've got your side and you're kind of playing him at his own game and see if that makes him come to your side a little bit because i feel like the unrequited nature of this is just giving him the leash to kind of act like a dickhead right you could also that that's like the aggressive way but you could also play pranks

on him which could be like either aggressive well it's aggressive but it's supposedly unjust you know like replace something on his desk with something else in a fun way going off of that you rather than replace you could take a photo of yourself and photoshop a photo of him of you and you and him together at like disney and then put it on his desk where he goes like what is this and go like that was from our friendly vacation because we're bffs and have a banner that says like bffs forever and then put you and him in different locations all around the office. That's hilarious.

It is, but it could go sideways. Is there also something that, you know, that, I mean, that, the tape, it could work. You could get yourself in a real danger zone. Is there a move, Lexi, where you would ever, and actually I think this is kind of a Dash and L move. But I mean it. Like, I remember everyone told you that you would like, you would like you would

get like a like a cupcake truck for everybody oh yeah yeah and it'll just be a very open kind of vulnerable gift saying like i'm giving this to you to start this off and say like these are nice vibes right and i remember being like that was before i ever thought like oh an actor can just like get something for the whole crew but it would be like vegan cupcakes and i'd be nice wednesday bake something i could even bake something and bring it in like this is something i spent time on yes yes and you could say this is just for you as like my office mate. I just, I was, you know, this is just for us. So she can be like, oh, we have a special bond.

Cause that is a move you kind of do Zoe, right? Oh yeah. That started out with baking and then, then I, yeah. So it ended with cupcake trucks, you know? Yeah. And if you get iced out and if he goes like i will eat this cupcake next wednesday at four and then you're kind of like then at a certain point you might have to do a gareth move or you might have to do the me and zoe combined one where you dress weird or you turn him into

a character in your show with an invisible audience make it gluten-free and vegan by the way make it vegan and gluten-free because that way he has no excuse not to eat it. And maybe have the Darth Vader outfit on. Again, it's just a sidecar. Just a double whammy. Just be careful. So, Lexi, you've kind of heard a bunch of input. I would say on this one, pretty solid input.

I agree. What do you think you're going to do here? Well, I think I'm going to start slow and not dive right into the Darth Vader costuming. I think I might start with the, hey, listen, I might get there. I'm not saying you won't actually. We hope you do, Lexi. Not a beginning, Lexi. Yeah, I think I can always call back in six months and give a status check.

But yeah, essentially, I think I'll just start with like the nice gesture and I think the the minimal kind of I'm trying here can you kind of meet me a little bit in the middle and if that still gets iced out well then I have no qualms going you're a character in my sitcom and I'm going to be ridiculous and uh because as long as it makes me laugh like I'm not I refuse to stay in an office that makes me feel awkward. Like if I'm having a good time with it or whatever, like he's, he's being him and I'm being me and we both have to deal with each other. So I think I'll definitely go on the, the start flow and like really in an earnest fashion of, Hey, I'm just trying to connect with you. And if I still get iced out, well then, you know, all bets off. And we could go to the other, the vinegar side of things, as Garrett said. Keep a diary. I would say keep a freaking dedicated Stan diary.

And you just, every day, go home and write down, like, all the stuff Stan does. Because this is actually, like, he's, like, kind of a great character. And you're just going to want that. Maybe that's a good blog or something creative you can do with that. Cause it's really, I'm, I personally am, I'm curious to hear what, what happens. Totally. Yeah. And that, that whole, that whole act is very similar again to the Eminem video for Stan.

It's a lot of writing in a diary i'm just i just see so many connective themes that i would what is the next caller on what is what do you know about the song stan garrett can you break down what that song means to you stan's tea's gone cold and he wonders why he's even getting out of bed at all. And then there's more to it than that. But, you know, like you write his name on a starter cap. He's kidnapped. Again, it's been a while, but I would just refresh yourself with some of the Stan stuff.

I feel like that's really applicable. You know what? You're going to break through on this one. We're on your team. Keep us posted. Thank you so much. Bye, Lexi. posted. Thank you so much. Bye, Lexi.

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That's wild. Yes. That's a wild study. So speaking of language, should we bring in the closer, or should I do it? Closer. All right, hold on. Let's get him.

Kevin? Door's open. Oh, you meant Gil. I meant Kevin. What? bring in the closer or should i do it closer all right hold on let's get him kevin doors open oh you meant gill yeah i meant kevin what kevin was gonna do it no i thought we were talking about the closer they we were he parked in front of all our cars so might as well we can't leave well what's the problem go ahead so that old jalopy is gills? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. No, keep it running. It's bad for something. A lot of smoke.

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where you can search and compare highly rated in network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Garth, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because, as you know, my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement and it was crazy. It was a crazy situation. And there were so many times, so many things like complications were popping up. And there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly, somewhere close. You use ZocDoc. Yeah close. You use ZocDoc.

Yeah. You would use ZocDoc. Because it's just so much harder if you're just like, you know, like using search engines to try to find someone and then you call, do they take your insurance? Yeah, but the problem also- ZocDoc has filters for all that. The problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up. Yes.

And what I like, I actually use ZocDoc since we started doing it. I do like that it keeps it really clean and you can put all your information in. Yeah. Did you use ZocDoc for your knee? I did use ZocDoc for my knee, which I am going to get an MRI on. Oh, you are?

But we don't think it's a tear. That's the good news. But I am going to get an MRI. The doctor report back, it's just an old man's knee. It's actually pretty much what it sounded like. That's what a doctor said to me about my hips. I'm getting to the point where it's sad

when doctors are just like, yeah, you're just the... He goes, I've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this. Well, you're mid-40s, yeah? Ugh, what a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on ZocDoc, but again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you,

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dot com slash hth hello there welcome to the podcast we're here to help with jake and gareth uh who are we talking with hey guys this is caitlin hi caitlin and caitlin where are you calling from and uh and what is your age if we can ask i am calling from buckeye arizona and i'm 30 years old 30 years old um okay and i'll go ahead oh no you're fine all right thank you i feel that's the nicest thing anyone said to me on today's session um what what's up she doesn't know you like we know yeah it's all gonna go downhill by the end of this call caitlin you're not going to end it and go, Gareth, you're fine. It's just not going to happen.

You'll go, I like Gareth. I'll go, oh, Gareth, I like him. It won't be. You're a little scared of him at times. Later, you're going to email Kevin and go, is that guy Gareth okay? You're going to email Kevin and go, don't use this call. Are you sure he should be on the show? Absolutely.

I signed a lifetime deal, Caitlin. So, Caitlin, walk us through why you're calling. What is the problem you're having? So, I have been with my husband for 11 years now. We've been married for almost six. And we have three kids. We have a boy who is turning five in October. And we just had twin

girls in May. So we originally planned on two kids. That was like the max. I was even totally fine with just one kid because our son is great. He's a smart ass. He's super fun. And I would have been totally happy, but we got the girls and it's great. Now we made an agreement that we were both going to get snipped. I got my tubes removed and my husband's supposed to get a vasectomy, but he's really dragging his feet and he's thinking we don't need it, but we're very fertile. We did not try for our twins. They came from about 45 seconds on the living room floor before my husband went to work. Wow. 45 second quickie led to twins.

Wow, really? Yeah, you're really not building him up. One question for you two guys was, was the 45 seconds worth it? It was, you know, probably for him. Can we just say after 11 years together, a 45-second session says to me the magic is still there. As well as on the floor on the floor

there's a lot going on good for you guys actually he had just gotten a promotion he works at the nuclear power plant out here he's a reactor operator now i was very proud of him yeah you know and he's being real annoying so i needed him to shut up so i made it happen that took a turn by the way i think we were all thinking this was going to be the champagne uncorking and then it just became it was a way to silence him also hold on caitlin walk me through i might try to use your husband's technique here he was being really annoying and then you thought god you're so annoying i'm gonna fuck you on the floor yeah how does that math add up he's persistent sometimes it's the only way to shut him up yeah he's got a good proud of him yeah yeah he makes me laugh good for him yeah he makes me

laugh so we've been together a long time but he still makes me laugh my ass off so okay you're being a little annoying fine i'll give you the best 45 seconds of your life and very confident by the way caitlin very confident in your abilities yeah truly you know the best 45 seconds of your life yeah you're running two minute drills like look we got this okay so so you've you feel like you've held up your end of the infertility bargain, and he, because he's maybe confident in your procedure, but probably more that he just... He doesn't want the pain.

Yeah, he doesn't want someone dipping into his urethra or penis. I don't know how it works. I don't want to hear about the pain bullshit. I've been pregnant twice. Once with twins, both C-sections. Let me just put a blanket statement over this one. Women are physically tougher than men when it comes to like bodies and procedures yes you're not wrong absolutely pregnancy all that stuff going to the doctor getting your bodies checked anytime there's any level of a finger going

into my body by a doctor even in my mouth i feel like i've been attacked. Yeah. Men are weaklings. It's just a different beast. Men are weaklings with great PR. I think if we're being honest. I almost had to get a couple of years ago, the camera in my penis hole. And the amount of panic I had for that, up until the day I got there and they said I didn't have to do it. Honestly, it was as if I was going, my brother as, said, pretend you are a prisoner of war being tortured.

It's the only way you can get through it. Oh, well, that sounds a tad dramatic. Well, we're dramatic. I'm a sissy. Congratulations. So it's your husband. What's his name, by the way? I think Josh.

Josh. So you know what i think this is about caitlin what is it i think josh is a little bit more like the example i just gave of me than you'd like to met i think he is terrified of somebody snipping his testicles because i know somebody who's done it and guess what they didn't say you know they, it doesn't hurt. It hurts. Oh, yeah. Of course it does. It'll hurt less than potentially getting twins again. I agree. Yes.

I had a show talk to a guy who had a nightmare experience. So they do happen. But I think you're totally right. Now, do you feel like you've exhausted the tactic of just being like, you have to do this. We agreed to do this. You've kind of, you've exhausted the tactic of just being like, you have to do this. We agreed to do this. You've kind of, you've tried that. He's really good at dancing around the conversation. It turns into, oh yeah, totally, totally going to get it done.

Well, how about let's call the doctor? Like, let's take a step into making it happen. But then he got a herniated belly button out of nowhere and he's banging you for way too long you need to cut it down to 15 second sessions i mean the guy's like rod jeremy already come on so you bang that long on the floor you're gonna strain your belly button who do you marry sting for fuck's sake so caitlin i'm gonna say this The premise of this show is we are on the caller's team no matter what. My feeling as a guy when you're talking about getting your testy sniff is I want to be on Josh's team, but this show is not about that.

So we are on your team. So what I'm going to say to you is this. If this is serious, then you could say there's one very easy way to make this happen. I love you. We had a deal we don't fuck until the procedure's done that's exactly where i was going that's it and then like you're gonna have to do with those twins you got to stick to your consequences or you are gonna get run over and if he goes all right i'm gonna get it as soon as my back's better you go then you're going to get it as soon as your back's better

and you snip those balls because caitlin we're on your team sorry josh but i would say you gotta hold out the gold for him to finish it gareth i don't have a finish here you gotta hold the gold for his position to not hold oh that's why I got a partner on this goddamn thing. Allie, you slam dunk. Right now, Jake and I are in the end zone chest bumping, just so you know. And there's a penalty flag way off sides. And we both strained our belly buttons in the process. So that's my advice.

I would say if you really are insisting on Ben snipping them or Josh snipping them, I would say you got to hold out. You got to take away the water from the camel. Gareth? That's what I would do. I would just, I would say to him, I would just say, look, I mean, the whole reason you did what you did was because you wanted security that you weren't going to have any more kids. You feel like you guys are pretty fertile.

So, you know, yeah, you're just going to know yeah you're just gonna get you're gonna go with the hundred percent plan which is no sex until then also how grossly fertile are you guys i mean you got your tubes tied do you think you're really gonna like what are the percentages of that i'm no science man listen they're low but so is having twins when you don't have them in the family it's like a one in one,000 to have twins. And I'm not trying to hit that lottery too hard. By the way, having three kids and then another set of twins, your life's in a whole nother galaxy. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. There's just, there's no way I would, I told him if it happened, I would just disappear in the middle of the night.

Yeah. So, you know, you've gotten, uh, Gareth, what's your final be all advice? Is it also the holdout? I would say the holdout. I would say the only other thing I thought before that was that you talked to your doctor and your doctor mentioned something about how there was an issue with your procedure and he doesn't think it's as secure as you thought.

But I would rather not lie. I would always go in the direction of not lying. was an issue with your procedure and he doesn't think it's as secure as you thought but i would rather not lie i would always go in the direction of not lying that's interesting okay it's dark it's dark it's fucked up but he's he's playing a game so i think and then caitlin you could after he gets it say by the way i lied and then just bang him on the rug again then you rug bang him and he'll forget all about it because the lie 45 seconds later he'll be good to go yeah he did lies well actually like probably like three weeks after the procedure then 45 seconds later yeah you're right you're right um because if you do the lie caitlin what you're doing is you guys are still on the same team and then he's thinking for fuck's sake i don't want more kids and you're doing is you guys are still on the same team. And then he's thinking for fuck's

sake, I don't want more kids. And you're going, I would love to fuck on the rug. You know, you've been really annoying me. And we both know that's what turns me on. So I would, but the truth is we might have triplets next homie. What if we have quads come out? i just thought of a crazier one all right garth let's hear here we go you rug bang again okay okay three weeks later you're late oh then a little pregnancy scare yeah yeah throw the scare in his direction throw a little yeah give him a little chin music and do that thing where you go like i know my body i'm pregnant yes yes which really confuses a man and then you're like but have you taken the test i don't have to take a test i know my body i'm sweating at 2 p.m yeah you have to go as the

husband okay i back off he's then living in your world completely and you let him i mean you he fucked up he let you down he didn't you let him, I mean, you, he fucked up. He let you down. He didn't, you knew this was going to happen. You were talking about this. And when the guilt has built all that way, then you say to him, why don't you make the appointment?

Because I'm not actually pregnant, but this is what could happen. So quickly, you remember at the beginning of this call, you said to Gareth, uh, you're okay. Yeah.

You're fine. Or whatever it was. And now he's trying to ruin my marriage his advice to a happily married woman you've been with him since you were 19 is fake a pregnancy yes after having sex with him fake it so he gets scared his other advice his other advice is to it's fake it and then lie and say the doctor called and said there was a trouble with the booze. You supported that one. You love that one.

You bamboozled me. You bamboozled me. So now I ask you, is Gareth okay? It sounds like he might need to get it together a little bit probably before your next call. Thank you. So, Caitlin, here's the advice we've given you today. One was hold out sex. Two was pretend the doctor fucked up the procedure. And who knows, you might get pregnant, you might not, but your procedure was an utter waste of time. And three, give him a nice 45 seconds of, as you claim, something like the best 45 seconds of his life. And then say,

bad news. I've missed my period. I think I'm pregnant. Let him get the fear of God in him. And then say, this is your fault. And when you go, good news, I got my period. He goes, it's time. I'm getting them snipped. So with with that rundown what do you think you're gonna do caitlin i'm not the best liar so unfortunately the second two probably aren't gonna work out well i kind of stutter when i lie my ears get red so it's probably if that's true what an incredible trait. All of a sudden you're talking to a good friend of yours. Oh, they start stuttering. Their ears get red. And you're like, Caitlin, you're lying, my guy.

I'm all in. I'm all in. Let's get you at a poker table. Yeah. Yeah, when I was younger and I would try to lie, my mom would just grab my ear. And she felt it was getting hot. She knew that I was pulling shit. I wish that was, if that was all people,

I would be a detective. That'd be great. And then you get to do a cross examination and you just go like, did you do it? And they go like, I didn't do anything. And you just go, let me feel your ears.

Every Matlock, every episode ends with, can you come here please? Why? I'd like to feel your heart. Easy. Yeah. Caitlin, thank you so much for the call. We I'd like to feel your hot ears, you fucking liar. Yeah.

Caitlin, thank you so much for the call. We wish you all the best. Yes, good luck, Caitlin. We wish you the best. Yeah, thank you. And we'll cut out the pitches where I lied. Have a great life. Thank you so much. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson.

And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out all of his work at OliverRaleigh.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com.

And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road go to garethreynolds.com and if you'd like to be on our show please email us at