We're Here to Help - 60: Craggily Hand with D’Arcy Carden

Episode Date: March 11, 2024

Jake, Gareth and special guest D’Arcy Carden chat with callers about social media frauds and avoiding an awkward sibling run-in. Later, the guys follow up with the first caller from episode 40 (Parental Guidance with Eduardo Franco). Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] (Ad-Free Episodes, Bonus Calls and Behind the Scenes): Patreon.com/HereToHelpPodVIDEO: Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Hey, America's number one podcast. Don't look it up we're back we're back we got a fun one today you like today i like darcy carden a lot darcy carden is awesome i didn't know her at all we made a movie during the pandemic called ride the eagle great movie uh trent o'donnell are the director of it had worked with her on the good Place. Apart from being a great actor, she's maybe the best vibe in Hollywood. She's great. She's great on the show. She is. She just has a great energy.

She was very welcoming. She's so good and cool and talented and likable. She's got a new podcast called WikiHole. I just wanted to double confirm with yes kevin you know me with names darcy the notebook came out so darcy because yeah you want to be safe sad yeah you want to be safe yeah of course so darcy got mad at me because darcy's name is d apostrophe rc yep and then she's got a funny story that she just chose to do that when she was 10 oh wow so i because of d brick of shaw ferguson yep nfl would only call her d rc card and finally she said like listen asshole just say you're doing it on purpose you were doing very because

of the way my brain right i would go like hey the rc what's going on and then fine but it happened so many times she had to finally say like. Is it too late for me to apostrophize? Am I allowed to do that? Yeah, Gareth. Ooh, please be Gareth. The game hasn't been working as Gareth too well, so I feel like I could.

Gareth is hilarious. Yeah, Gareth. Gareth. It's kind of good. Kind of good. It's not great. But she's great on the show she's helpful follow her yes yeah we love her so uh but yeah it's a great episode and we thank everybody for

listening and go to the youtube and subscribe what do they say smash i want to say smash the subscribe you know what or do it however you want yeah we're cool because we've been asking you to do this and asking you to do this and asking you to do that. You know what I had a thought, What don't you ask us to do? Oh, go ahead. Well, they do.

They call in. Yeah, why don't, yeah, exactly, yeah. So you guys all want. I think it's a fair, so go fuck, oh yeah, you're right. I think it's a fair relationship.

Okay, yeah, sorry. I'm getting late. I think it's a fair relationship. He did, obviously. But I want to say thank you for everyone for listening, and that's it.

Listen however the fuck you want. There you go. Jake's drunk. Enjoy the show. Oh, you know whatake's drunk uh enjoy the show oh you know we might do all right well should we tease it well we just we've just been texting it we don't have to say where we might do it okay but we are talking about doing a live episode after hours where we have a couple of cocktails yeah after help i think that'd be fine i agree yeah i think that's a i could see that getting i could see the person on the call being like,

are you guys okay? Yeah, I'm done. You forgot about the problem a lot. I'm waiting for the call where the person hangs up out of just simply enough's enough. You've truly wasted my time. I can't wait for the person to fully bail. Same.

Bye. Without further ado. Hi. further adieu hi hi how are you great um glad you guys are having me on we're glad you're on what's your name mandy mandy and uh how old are you mandy i am you'll get 37 or 38. I think I'm 38. I got you. I've been there. So we'll say 38. And where are you calling from? Ohio.

Ohio. And what's your favorite band? Oh, do they have to be alive? No, of course not. We're not asking you to sing live. What's your favorite alive band? I'd say the Velvet Underground. Ooh, Mandy's cool.

Favorite living band. You know, keep going, Jake. Okay, so you are on with Garf and I as always. And then today. Today. You might know her from The Good Place. Uh-oh, it's not Kristen Bell. You might know her from A League of Their Own.

Not Abby Jacobson. And you probably don't know her from my little movie that we made together during the pandemic, but I sure know her from it, and I know her to be a true star. Miss Darcy Coney! Hi, Mandy. I know you're in that movie, too.

Good movie. Did you see my dick? Yeah, you better. I dressed as a League of Their Own for Halloween, so. You did? Yeah.

My girl! But was it from the show or the movie? Well, it's from the movie because it was easier. Yeah, that hurts. That hurts my dick. But Mandy,

did you watch the show? Yeah. that hurts. But Mandy, did you watch the show? Yeah. I started. And she didn't. She started it. Mandy, we're going to get to your problem in a minute, but I'm just going to tell you a little bit about Fragile Hollywood. She started it. When someone asks if you've seen it, the answer is yes.

And when someone asks if you liked it, you say yes. Hey, Mandy, did you see the show? I loved it. There you go, doll. And last but not least, Mandy, what was your favorite part of Ride the Eagle? Yeah, what was specifically your favorite scene or line from Ride the Eagle? What did you like about it, though, Mandy? Probably just the way the ending really gets you.

It actually does, though. Mandy, you get it, girl. What's your question? I'm going to set you guys up with a little bit of the backstory about this person who my problem involves my question will come at the end so okay um i've known this woman for about 20 years just like kind of ran in the same circles anyway i follow her on instagram she's really into social media I like used to do blogging full-time so I'm kind of like in that game but anyway so she's been posting a lot of food content and her food

photography is getting like really good and my profession is photographer and like I'm a professional photo stylist in the commercial photo industry so when her photography started getting like really good i became suspicious like there is no way that the person who took this photo is not a professional stylist okay so quick reverse google image search aha i'm right she's a fucking so i'm like okay like what but then I look and see since 2019, she's been posting food photography that was not hers. So I'm like deep, deep down a rabbit hole of looking up all these photos and then seeing my own comments from like two years ago.

Like, wow, girl, you've really outdone yourself. This is amazing. You feel like a fool. What fool? Exactly. I feel like a fool. So she has said that she is starting a cookbook this year. Okay. And that tipped me over the edge. All right. So whose photos are you using? Like,

whose recipes are you using? This is fascinating. Here's my main question. Okay. Okay. So I'm not trying to be a jerk and I have issues with confrontation, but like, I don't think she should be running around a self-proclaimed social media guru if this is her character and like her clients should know. But now I'm not trying to cancel her or like publicly flog her or anything, but I do feel like it's gotten to the point where I'm fantasizing about all the ways I would publicly out her. And that's really not what i'm trying to do but i think she how would you do it mandy that's what you guys are supposed to tell me you don't say to somebody i've been fantasizing all day about you and they know what have you been thinking you go you go first no you let out with the word fantasy mandy so what are some fantasies that you want to do oh so i do see her out in public and i've never said a negative thing to her or like let on

anything and it's like she kind of acts cold towards me so i'm like does she know like i know so recently i started commenting like a little bit more um like she screen recorded she screen recorded a video of someone else's video that I had already seen. And she didn't. So I was like, what the hell? Like, this is a popular video. Like, I don't understand where she thinks this is going. So I commented, oh, yeah, I saw this video too. Okay. Tip toeing in because I feel like if I do say, I want to just say, did you take that photo? Like point blank, did you take that photo? Did you write this recipe?

So I need to quote the great Biff Whiff and say, who cares? And here's why. Fuck, this is so dad. But here's why. It's a private account to her friends and family. She's got 2G, 2,000 people following her friends. You know, if you said she's got 600,000 people and she's stealing from these restaurants,

she's just a geek, dude. Yeah. She's an insecure geek who's posted to her friends and families and they're all going like, you're actually, I'm glad you went to chef school. You didn't waste your life. She's sad. I think.

Give her a heart emoji. Move on. Mute her's that is such dad advice and the hard thing mandy because i you and i are the same because i would feel the same way i'd get obsessed about it and not be able to i would privately okay but not do anything about it but the real truth is who cares it really is it's it's full on who cares but what you actually have to do and this might this might make you feel a little bit good you gotta unfollow her because you're only you're only acquaintances she's actually treating you kind of shitty in person which makes me want to

fucking murder her she adds nothing to your life if, she's kind of turning you into this person that you are not, which is like an obsessive hater. That's true. I think you have to... It might feel a little intense, but I think Unfollow her... Or just do the fucking mute. No, I think Unfollow is a little

nastier. It is nasty. It's a little nastier. Garf, you got something, and I know it's crazy stuff. It's a little nastier. Garf, you got something, and I know it's crazy stuff. It ain't sane. We might need it, because Mandy might want it. I'm a who care. Darcy's an unfollow. I think we're all going to agree on this.

Do not hit this head on. Right. I would not confront her. I mean, this person is disturbed, and I've had disturbed people in my world, and you want to Homer Simpson into the bushes. Okay. You don't want to see her at the market and go, Oh,

Hey, nice chicken. Fucking liar. So I think that is all right. Stay away from it. But you do have the itch and you want to scratch. Yeah. So there's a couple of ways.

There's a couple of ways you could scratch it. The first is make a fake profile, but it's private you can she'll still take her she's she wants to follow i like this she wants a following you get into the hen house and then you start wolfing it up a little bit i saw this before this is a different recipe wait what are you doing are you just taking other people's shit and reposting it you kind of put the fear and god of her a little bit yeah the problem with that one is to what you guys are saying she can just very simply block you move on from that but it might rattle her a little bit yeah the problem with that one is to what you guys are saying she can just very simply block you move on from that but it might rattle her a little bit right the other thing unless you

create 10 fake profiles you get crazy she wasn't always private yes oh for sure yeah let me tell you these fucking people who are emboldened and enabled by social media yeah they do not want to get caught right that is the top tier thing the other thing you could do is, as we saw in some of the screenshots you sent us, they are legit recipe websites and shit like that. What you could do is you could make a fake email from one of these places and say someone sent us this. You are taking things that are ours and you're using them. Cease and desist.

A cease and desist. And you could step it up in that way she has sent someone a cease and desist letter for her business before so amazing mandy this is also another like maybe scratch the itch is like go to the original recipes the the pictures and the recipes that she's taking from and post them on your stories or whatever, especially if you guys share a lot of followers and just be like, oh, I made this last night. It was so good with like a picture of the original picture.

Oh, yeah. Just to kind of be like, I got my eye on you. Yeah. So she sees it. So she sees it. And maybe even your mutual followers or friends or whatever see it. Ew, this world is so gross. No. All this that get out get out no no no don't go nice no no you're saying get out don't even worry about i'm saying follow but we are right now

yeah don't go nice but i am like the only reason you're thinking about it is because you're looking at it the second you get out of there your brain will settle. This ain't you, baby. This ain't you, Mandy. To borrow the expression, she's living rent-free in your head. Yes, to borrow. Oh, for sure. Mandy. I stole it.

I know. That's from a recipe website. They use it. Mandy. I made it my own. Here's where we're at a little bit here, friend. You could always do as dubbed the dad advice. Who cares?

You know, that's what i would probably do you could do the unfollow and that's that's aggressive you could do the passive aggressive version of that and mute i live in the mute world right you could create which i think might be right a fake profile that you're like a foodie yeah and. Yeah. And then turn on her. Then in the comments go like, oh, my God, girl, your photo was featured in the restaurant's menu. Your photos are featured in every restaurant I've fucking seen. Hold on. That's actually a great way to do it if you want to go that way. Yes.

Pretend that you think her shit is getting borrowed from these big places. But you could do that as you. No, I would do it as a fake profile. But how about this? As Mandy going this. On the comment, oh my God, girl. Bon Appetit stole your fucking picture. I would do that under a fake.

Bon Appetit is using your artwork. Yeah. Congratulations. Congratulations. The only thing is if you do create like a fake account, play it through to the end and make sure that you are so fucking secure that she won't figure out that it is you

because that will feel so bad. If you do a fake account, I have to give you advice. Don't meet another person, fall in love with them, and never FaceTime with them, and then have Neve and Cammy from Catfish show up at your door a year and a half later and you go jake it started from something else i didn't mean for it to get this far but all my feelings for you

the only difference is is i'm not that jake has watched a tremendous amount of cat that's the reason we're doing this it really is but so then you've got the fake profile right you got a fake email from the restaurant with a cease and desist. Yeah. Bold, but cool. And then it's fire with fire where you start taking photos from the restaurant, posting it on your social media and saying, like, had the best popcorn shrimp of my life at this place. So now, Mandy, we got to go to you here. What you feeling, girl? What you feeling? Well, I feel like I like two, but if I'm going to send,

the two that I'm leaning towards would be the email with the cease and desist from the original creator. But then also I like the whole like posting the recipe on my Instagram and saying, wow, I made these. Just like only those two. But you got these two you got to pick. But I can't do both because if I- You can't do both.

Mandy, what do you like? Mandy, what do you like more? This is the finale. Only one rose can be handed out. I think I got to do the post it on my story because I want to like get under her skin and know that like, you know. Remember, hold on.

Remember when you were saying this isn't you? Yeah. This is her. It might be. Mandy. Yeah. It's going to feel so good when you were saying this isn't you? This is her. It might be. Mandy. It's going to feel so damn good. Absolutely. This is good stuff.

If you like the move, fucking go with it. I want to see her in public now and just look deep into her eye. Blow up your world, Mandy. Blow up your world. You guys are turning me into fully that person no you are you're that person

you are that person Mandy you're using us we love you Mandy you got this Mandy you're gonna play her sport and I gotta tell you when it comes to this woman she's in a league of her own watch it on Amazon Prime the whole thing

watch till the end you're in a league of her own watch it watch it on amazon prime the whole thing yeah watch till the end you're gonna want to watch a good place here ride the eagle and barry and barry and barry good luck let us know hey there we're here to help the podcast now as a patreon you can go to patreon.com slash here to help pod where we're going to have uh unreleased calls unreleased calls ad free ad free episodes other special features extras so if you like the show you want more of the show go to patreon.com slash here to help pod today's episode is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right?

Science-backed language learning app that actually works, which I find to be very important. Science-backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor. They come over. They're, like, asking for snacks. They're being annoying. Or even waste hours on apps that don't really help.

We're here to help, and Babbel is going to help you. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations. So, Jake, for instance, if you want to learn, I started relearning French through Babbel a little bit. Yes, because I used to know French, but then I don't know French. But it's still there. You know what I like about it is that it's got a speech recognition technology. Yep. Because the problem with learning a new language is if you sound like you're from another country.

Yes. If it can actually help with the accent. Yes. That's a big ass turn. And applicable to situations you're going to find yourself in. Like when I think back to taking French, it was just like so much of it was like, I you're going to find yourself in like when i think back to taking french it was just like so much it was like i'm never going to do that it's like how do you order food how do you get a drink how do you ask for directions but so babble's great

now listen listen everybody should we bring him in right one quick pause should we bring in the close studies from yale this is interesting michigan state university and others prove that babble is better so one study found that using babble for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college so if that's true which yale's no joke it's just putting schooling in a a different light yes if you spend 15 hours let's say you didn't go to college and you always feel like well i don't know i didn't go to college and you always feel like, well, I don't know. I didn't go to college. 15 hours. You just did a semester. Yeah.

That's wild. Yes. That's a wild study. So speaking of language, should we bring in the closer or should I do it? Closer. All right. Hold on. Let's get him.

Kevin. Door's open. Oh, you meant Gil. I meant Kevin. I thought Kevin was going to do it. No, I thought we were talking about the closer. We were. He parked in front of all our cars, so might as well.

Oh, we can't leave? Well, what's the problem? Go ahead. So that old jalopy is Gil's? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. No, keep it running. It's bad for something.

A lot of smoke. I'm pausing a serious XM. Now, listen. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners. This isn't for people who don't listen, like Laura from one of the calls earlier. These are standalone. At Babbel.com slash HTH.

Jake, let me finish. Get 55% off Babbel.com slash HTH. Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash hth. We're going to want you to babble. We want you to babble. I'll tell you what, I don't want to babble your ear off. I got to go back to the jalopy. Rules and restrictions.

I have fun. This episode is brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Garth, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because, as you know, my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement and it was crazy it was a crazy situation and there were so many times so many things like complications

were popping up and there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly somewhere close you use that doc yeah you would use that doc because it's just so much harder if you're just like you know like using search engines to try to find someone and then you call do they take your insurance the problem has it's all there for all the problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up yes and what I like I actually use ZocDoc since we started doing it I do like that it keeps it really clean and you could put all your information in yeah did you use ZocDoc for your knee? I did use ZocDoc for my knee, which I am going to get an MRI on.

Oh, you are? But we don't think it's a tear. That's the good news. But I am going to get an MRI. The doctor report back, it's just an old man's knee. It's actually pretty much what it sounded like. That's what a doctor said to me about my hips. I'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like, yeah, you're just the.

I've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this. Well, you're mid 40s. Yeah. What a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on ZocDoc. But but again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you. Treat basically.

And again, you can get an appointment quickly. You can also get it same day. That's absolutely right, Jake. If you're lucky. That's right. Gil Buchanan, ones and two. 68. Bomi. Don't worry about day. That's absolutely right, Jake, if you're lucky. That's right. Gil Buchanan, ones and twos, 68 balmy. Don't worry about it. That's right.

I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother. You never, literally never left. Wherever the best time in the world, go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Did you hear how much that costs, Jake? Free. Free. That's right.

And then find and book a top rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H. ZocDoc.com slash H-T-H. Hello. Hello. How are you? What the hell? Australian. Where are you from? New Zealand. Australia. Australia. Hello.

Like a dear friend of ours. That's right. A bald friend. Trent O'Donnell's bald? Who are you thinking of? I know. I'm thinking of Trent. I'm just kidding.

Oh, and we know Trent listens. You murdered him. He's not really bald. Trent is bald in a wig. Everybody knows it. Everybody in town knows it. Oh my God. Trent O'Donnell, the director,

one of the EPs on Ghosts, big Hollywood guy. Huge. Yeah. Fucking bald. Bald. And spray paints his hair. And I just want to say how much I love Trent,

and I just am ready to, if he's casting anything. I don't only do this. Go ahead, Jamie. So you don't think he's bald? No, I think he's actually perfect. I have not heard. Was the bald? That was one of our old What you call? Well, there's been so many. Trent's the king of mean jokes.

Yeah. But always nice to you on our text. Very nice. He and I were always mean to each other and always nice to you. our text. Very nice. He and I were always mean to each other and always nice to you. So we have a special guest today. You obviously have me and Garf, but you have, from The Good Place, from League of Their Own, but I know her from a little indie that we made during the pandemic, Ride the Eagle. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Darcy Corden. Thanks for having me, boys.

Thank you, Darcy. Who I always want to call DRC. And she goes, you're an idiot. Because it started in truth, not as a bit. I like that. Jake, the other day on the show, it was an amazing moment. He was about to say my name

and he looked at the poster, which says our names, and he read my name and he said it, Gar. I said Garif. And he goes, I've known you for 20 years. I had to say Jake,

that was bad. That's too much. And it was. Well, because the way my brain works is once I have an image and I've always had D apostrophe yes

RC yeah so you'd be like it's Darcy and I go you got it and then I'll go like this yeah I know DRC you've got to cool

DRC so back to you first of all thank you for coming Darcy thank you for having me and Australia thank you for calling on what I imagine

is the middle of the night it's Saturday it's actually June there now, isn't it? I don't know how you guys hear. Happy holidays, whatever holiday you're in. Can we get your name, please? I'll go by Jess. Jess, very Aussie.

You say Jess or Jeff? Jess. Oh, Jess. Okay. We'll stop doing the accent. I actually will not stop. I would love it if we stopped. I wouldn't.

I can't. You want to do it. No, I don't. I can't. You want to do it. No, I don't. Do it. Repeating bits. Do it. Do it. How are you doing, Jess?

All right, Jess. All the way from Ireland. No, Australia. That's where I know DRC from. Well, our good friend turned to the north of Australia. What is happening? Jess, how old are you? I'm 34.

I actually wanted my partner to be on the podcast, and we'll call him Nick. Nick. And he's 48, through the math. So there's 14 years between us. Okay. We've been together 12 years, and we like to keep things pretty fresh and exciting so we keep it fresh 12 years in hell yeah hell yeah one way to keep it fresh is say hell yeah during it hey do you

want to do that hell yeah hell yeah can i try that hell yeah hell yeah okay so you like to keep it fresh you've been together for 12 years. There's a 14-year age difference. You guys got together. I'm just a math guy. You were 22. He was 36. Jesus, good job. Beautiful mind over here.

Russell Crowe. Jake's in a mind palace of numbers right now. 48, 32, 36, 48. All even numbers, so easy, but honestly good. Darcy, you've got to give him the win. You have felt like every special ed tutor I've always had this is really three years below your grade level but also good

but also the capital of Montana is Billings another mic drop from a 32 year old man in a class with 8th graders in a class with 8th graders and I dominated you little dorks and you didn't dominate them you

got a b minus pretty normal yeah you are right at eighth grade spinning a globe and going america because i rule all right buddy all right okay jess also i think we'll get to this yeah but the jess and the nick the jess and the nick of it all are we are we new girl fans yes these are fake names right jess yes so you did just you're looking to have a three-way and put a schmidt in the mix hell yeah but my husband wants a winston hell yeah do you have justin long's number put a genslinger in the middle of that sandwich okay justin long is as funny as it gets he really is have you worked with justin yes holy shit is he funny he's gets He really is Have you worked with Justin? Yes I have

Holy shit is he funny He's amazing Has he been on the podcast? No but What's he doing? I'm going to reach out today I'll reach out too His

What he did on fucking New Girl Yeah Broke New Girl He was so good on that show I love His fucking bits are killer Yeah Okay Jess

Come on What is our problem here? You guys want to keep we can talk about bits forever but we're talking about you're really letting everyone lose focus you're the leader of this team we're 14 years in 12 years into this relationship and you like to keep it fresh okay tell us all about it hell yeah action yes so nick decided to get on some dating apps, like Swingers app. Okay. Anyway, so one of the apps tells you who's in the local area.

Okay. Fun stuff. And to our surprise, my sister. Oh, no. He's found my sister and her husband on the app. Okay. And he's seen pictures he can't unsee. Oh, no. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. husband on the app okay and he's saying pictures he can't unsee pause pause pause pause describe the pictures you're on a pause cast describe the pictures jess he tried to make me look at them

yeah don't don't that's not cool misery loves company yeah they're they're at least they're at least in brawn under they're at least in like underwear we. They're at least in, like, underwear. We don't know. We don't know. Jess, what did he see? What did he see, Jess? No, it's further than that, but there's no faces, so I had to look at one with her craggly hand just to verify that it was her. She has a craggly hand? Her old, like, hand with something in it,

but I won't go into that. On the swinger thing, she put a photo of his dick? Holding a... Is it his dick or like a device? Yeah. His dick. Okay.

Yeah, so his... His dick, her craggly hand. What makes her hand craggly? Yeah. You're turning me on. You don't know Jake's weird little fetish. I'll give you $350 if you use that craggly hand on my dick.

Hey, don't lotion it for a month and then come over. Your hand's beautiful. Could it get any more craggly? You have any liver spots? 500 for liver spots. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And winner. Oh, God.

Old hands with really long nails. Okay, craggly hands. Old hands. Long nails. Huge pink dick. So like a witch. Yeah. Wait, did you say huge pink dick? I read in between the lines.

D-R-C. I read in between the lines. That's D-R-C. That's not Darcy. Darcy is like the sweet five. Huge pink dick. The person you always want on set is as good as it gets. D-R-C.

How big was that pink dick? How big is that pink dick? Tell us about that pink dick. And make sure it's big. Okay, so you saw your brother-in-law's potentially large pink cock in your sister's witch hand. I just looked at the hand.

Okay. But he wanted me to verify it. Well, Nick wanted me to verify that it was her. Also, this is really not a new girl. The names are off. That is a Fox pretty sweet show. And then he wanted Nick

to double team Jess and Cece. You're like, Jesus. By the way, there's fan fiction. And by the way, there's fan fiction of The Good Place. And if you ever go down that road, it is very fun. Is it really? Oh, yeah, yeah.

We used to read it to each other when we were doing too much press. Because it would be like Schmidt with his tight pants and his big. You'd be like, oh, my Lord. Goes deep. Okay. Jess, you're in charge. Okay. Then I verified it with her hand.

But the problem we have now is that I don't know if they know we're on the same site, but I don't want to run into him. For sure. Oh, at a swinger party, right. But Nick... Nick does. He liked that big old pink dick and those crackle hands.

No, no, no. No, no, no. I agree. I agree. Sorry, I'm back to... Absolutely not. Tuesdays at 9 a.m. after the Mindy Project

and before Glee. Craggle hands. Old hands. I want to ignore that we saw it, but he wanted to bring it up to the brother-in-law just so we don't see them. Just like to go, if we in case see them at an event or something.

I'm going to cut to the meat of this one now. Gross. So what is the, I'm going to open up the meat wings of this one and try to get inside the truth of this question. Stop now. What is the official question? I want to ignore it. Okay.

But Nick wants to let the brother-in-law know that we know, so we don't end up running into him at an event or private party. But I want to know, if he does bring it up, how does he bring it up without being awkward? Darcy, the floor is yours. Okay, I have a thought, which is you're actually in an okay situation because you're both in the same situation. So there's no judgment.

There's no judgment to be made. There's no way they can judge you guys. The only bad thing you would be doing is putting the image of, you know, your craggly hand and Nick's dick in your sister's mind. But other than that. Yeah, it's terrible i know but that's i guess that's just part of being an adult i don't know it's hard but i think if you got if if nick talks to brother-in-law in a very cool way in a non-sexy way you're him i'm the brother-in-law how would you do it okay and we're oh we're australian sure no that's so much harder let's just do regular okay let's just do regular american

not regular sorry okay sorry okay um jake johnson canceled australia not regular says hey don't say fat guy don't say fat guy just say the guy from Noogal one of them I'm double cancelled hey Ross yeah what's going on Rachel no no I'm Nick you know me oh yes hey Chandler

all the tropes what's going on so we have a bit of a situation over at the house. You can tell me anything. Okay. I hope this isn't uncomfortable and I hope this doesn't feel too awkward. Relax, Ross. But Jess and I are, you know, you know us 12 years deep trying to keep it fun. Us too. Oh yeah? Yeah. I guess even saying, oh yeah, I'm kind of being false because we got on this new app and we were thinking about maybe opening up the relationship a little bit.

Let's swap. Oh no. Oh. I want, I'll give you craggle hands. You give me craggle feet. Okay. Ross. Pull it back, Ross.

I've been wanting, I wanted to be fucking yours. You've always been wanting that? Yeah. We've been together for over a decade. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. That's what this is? I want her bad. Ross.

You finish. Gross. What kind?? Yeah, I want her bad. We're only on the- Ross. You finish. Gross. What kind? On Kragle House. Regular. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

So I think, Jess, what you've seen there is your husband and brother-in-law are just maybe going to bed. A couple of rows. A couple of rows. That's great. So here's, I'm kind of, I kind of know where darcy was going with that and that is keep it honest and keep it clean and just come up because how could they judge here's a question i have for you just okay so what you guys see each other it's not like you go to a swingers club

and you see each other and everybody there goes like oh my god we saw each other now we have to suck each other's genitals you still can make a choice. Oh, good lord. Are you fucking kidding me? Am I out of line? Out of line. There is no... I would not be banging in the same house

as my brother, let alone... You're not wrong, actually. Oh, I'm watching his feet navigate a tarp while I'm about to go hog deep into some stranger? No.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got an alternative pitch. I like that. Honesty is a great approach. And there is this chance too that they know that you're into this. They might have seen your fucking thing. Maybe they were inspired by.

Potentially. And look, it's great that your husband's seen your brother-in-law's dick. We can all celebrate that. Agreed. These apps, at least like Tinder and like when I used to go on the road and use Tinder and shit, you can set your location to a future spot. So like if I, and I'm just going to peel back the curtain

of being a creep. If I was like going to go do a show in Phoenix. You might get a little head start. A week before I'd be like, hey, let's see what this, so I'm not carpet bombing that night. You know what I mean? Just like What's the term carpet bombing? That's where I'm just saying yes. Is that a sexual term? But what does that mean it could be well

roywood jr and i used to call it that because we'd go on the road and just before he's not a single man anymore but you'd have no time right so you'd go on tinder and you would carpet bomb you'd say yes maybe yeah right right we'll see we'll see anything and you don't have time to go i mean i like that she has a cottage right i really what you know what i mean you got time is fucking money. You got like two and a half hours to get someone to the show. Hell yeah. But you can change your location.

So I would like set it somewhere and then I'd be like, oh, I have a week to maybe like talk to someone if I want to invite him to a show. So why not if you wanted to? Invite him to a show. So you'd invite him to a show and then bang after? I mean, I don't want to. You're so confident. No, no, no.

I'm way more confident having her come to a show than be like let's go out and I can just charge her in a regular environment even if the show's bad they're in like oh my god

I'm in Wichita I'm in Wichita yeah they're like this is amazing he contacted me and I'll also say the show's we're all having fun

the show's not gonna be bad okay no no no we know so we're all having a laugh but the show's not it's not an option of course and I'm yelling and we're all having a laugh, but the show is not an option. Of course.

And I'm yelling, and we're all yelling. And everybody here is yelling. And everybody here is yelling. So, hey, DarrenReynolds.com, you can see him live, and maybe he's going to try to fuck everybody there. The show won't be bad. You guys, with you guys both yelling,

I have to tell you, I'm a listener of the podcast, and sometimes I picture both of your voices as two halves of one whole. You guys have the opposite voices. They make one full circle. You know what my mom thinks? It's too wild and it used to be

better and now she falls asleep while listening. Oh my god, it's already over? It's always been over from the beginning. She was really in the first few because she goes, you know, it reminds me of car talk. And I was like, yeah, that's kind of it. And she's like, I like that because you're in there. And then she goes, Ben, you it reminds me of car talk. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, that's kind of. And she's like, I like that because you're in there. And then she goes, Ben, you guys just won't shut up.

She got too wild. Mom, I'm giving it another try. Maybe not this episode. OK. It is. OK. So so why not say you're like, where where are you in Australia? I can say that.

Melbourne. Yeah. Melbourne. Melbourne. So you can set it to set it to somewhere outside of Melbourne. If you were in Perth, you'd be pretty screwed. But then how are they going to fuck? So then you get a match.

I don't think you can. Yeah, you can. Oh, you can on your swinger app? No, on this one, I think it tracks you. It tracks you? Well, you were going to keep going. No, my plan got shot. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, what do you got there, sir? Jess, is there a block feature? I bet there is. No, but that doesn't matter. Oh, because it's all about the parties. Here's what I think you've got to do. I've got another idea. How about this? Anytime you guys are planning to go to some

event, the day of you text her and say, hey, do you guys want to get some drinks later? And if she says she can't and the reason seems weird, you pull the plug on the floor. You stop. Or do you have kids? You could ask her to babysit. Oh, that's good, too.

I can't. I'm going to a swingers club. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got something for you. Okay. I got something for you, Jess. And I'm sorry that I got to be the fucking voice of reason. It's okay.

Here we go. But I'm not doing this dance around yeah bs with you okay okay here's what you do all right there's one there's one answer here and it's the goddamn right one okay easy what's your sister's fake name jake rachel let's call her let's call her rachel rachel and ross and let's call her husband ross yeah you go rachel ross me and nick need to talk to you you sit down you said we saw your big pink dick and your craggle i mean it i mean it i mean when you said you were right i know i'm right hold on okay jess hear me out it's like an hour ago hear me out

because i've been vamping as i think of the answer so now i got it but now i got it always lead out with confidence yeah this is really but then you say this remember that i've seen your big old pink dick. Hell yeah. And your crock of hands. But here's the point that I'm trying to make to you. Get there. We're on the same goddamn app, you and us.

Okay. And now we got to. This town is too big for two sheriffs. So we now have to have a real conversation. Where you spray, we don't lay. Yes. The term is awful, obviously. Where you spray, we don't lay.

And where we spray, you don't lay. So therefore, we make a spray calendar. Thank you for the call. This one's done. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. All right, Jess. Listen. That's really good. Alright, Jess. Listen.

That's really good. Where you spray, we don't lay. And it all is about the honesty. And it's about the honesty and it's about, let's discuss this. And then if fucking Ross is a creep and goes like, or maybe we can spray and go, get out of here. We're done. Or, who the fuck knows. No, I agree.

You weren't agreeing. You were pitching the weird thing and and you got two words in, and the reaction was bad. I thought I was talking to DRC and the comedian who used to tour with Ronnie Woods. No, no, no. No, I'm talking to Darcy and Garrett. My name did not deserve that treatment, obviously. It's adorable. Okay. Jess, I think the point here is if you're going to do it, I think Darcy's pitch is right.

Have Nick go in. That was my pitch too. Talk to Ross. Yeah, but then you just got all weird with a craggle hand. Where you spray, we don't lay. You liked it so much before he started talking. No, she didn't. We made eye contact.

I did like it. I think they should get a tattoo of it. Me too. They should get inner. I'm going to get it on my lower back. Jess, what do you like? Take over. The floor is yours. Get us out of here. I had a tattoo of it. Me too. They should get inner. I'm going to get it on my lower back. Jess, what do you like? Take over. The floor is yours.

Get us out of here. I had a couple of drinks. I think I'd go with your one. Wow. Good. And now you. And that would be fun. So let's do this now for a second.

Now you are going to talk to Darcy as your sister. Okay. So I'm Rachel? Yes. Okay. And Jess. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck yes. You Rachel? Yes. Okay. And Jess? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fuck yes, you can do it. Sorry. South African? Are we supposed to let that go or can we talk about the bloodbath that you're clearly involved in? Let's not get lost in the weeds. I think you took us to the weeds

and then said let's get out of here. No, I'm not. I'm not hosting my free stuff. So Jess, you're talking to your sister right now? Just here. Just us. Not in real life.

The guys aren't here. And us. Not in real life. The guys aren't here. And Jake, I know you don't like the add-on, but do you want to be the husbands and we go get a beer together real quick? Yes, but we've already left. We're not here to see. But you don't want to see that just to kind of... So we're gone drinking a beer. Okay.

Jess, it's so good to see you. I'm glad you guys came over. The boys went to get a beer, I guess. Oh, hi, sis. What? I have no idea. No, no. I can't talk to you. I know. It's sis. I have no idea. I can't talk to you. I know, it's weird.

I feel like something's going on between us. Do a little Australian. Okay, okay. I know. Oh, shit. I know. Great. I feel like you go. You go. Actually, you talk. Well, here's the thing, you know.

I saw the craggly hands on a site. I love Australians. I don't really want to be seen in the same venue as you. Oh, oh, oh. You're the best. If you know what I mean. I do. I do.

I can't remember. Commit. I do. I do. I can't remember. Commit. I do. I do. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. You're about to be replaced by Gareth. No, no, no. Take over.

I keep going to you. Take over. Crikey. No, no. I'm back, I'm back, I'm back. Get out of here. I'm just getting pissed. for this one at all.

No, no, no. I'm back, I'm back, I'm back. Get out of here. He's just getting beers. So we're both on the same site and you saw my craggly hands and I don't want to see your craggly hands. So what if where we spray, we don't lay

so Jess we're gonna close this one up and here's the closing we think you're close we think you got it we think you gotta talk to your sister and I think you should say the reality is we saw the site we're on the same thing all good let's schedule this out let's create a spray calendar

sorry to keep going but I think you can keep it I know I know I think you can keep it. I know, I know. I think you can keep it like, like really, really non-sexual. You can be like, I know this is weird, but we're both on this thing. Like, ha ha ha. Let's not ever talk about it again, but let's have this spray schedule. All right. So Jess, our final advice is have the guys do it.

Have a talk without you ladies and then move on. But it sounds like a lot of fun and we hope you guys have a lot of fun down there in Melbourne. Yeah, have fun. Cragly. If you're at a spray party and you see Trent O'Donnell's bald head, just spray right on the top. Yeah, get in there. He'll love it.

So Trent will love it. He'll be going like this. Spray on top of this. Spray me. Spray on my head. What is he even? He's an Australian weirdo. Spray is a jack?

Yeah. Okay. even he's an australian weirdo jacks is a jack yeah okay jess have fun with this and you know stay safe and and remember you know like you and nick are bye jess okay bye this episode is brought to you by another food place because we are true fat boys over here because you have to say hell yeah no but you've got to say when you're saying yes to an ad is this something you like and it's all becoming the food it's great it's great uh factor is truly amazing um look it's eating better uh with. Delicious, ready to eat meals. They get delivered to your house. They're not frozen meals.

You can cook them in the oven. You can cook them in the microwave. They can be ready in just two minutes. They have so many options. You got pancakes, you got smoothies, and you got more. Yes, and they got wellness shots and all that stuff. I'm a vegetarian, so I eat Are you a full veggie? Yeah, pretty much. Every now and then I'll mix in a little bit of the

proteins my doctor said I had. There's no Really? Yeah. What do you have? Cholie? Yeah, pretty much. Every now and then I'll mix in a little bit of the protein. My doctor said I had to. There's no protein? Really? Yeah. What do you have? Cholesterol? No, no. He was like...

Oh, mix in the protein. Yeah, yeah. I got you. Yeah, no, he doesn't inject it in if that's what you thought. But look, Factor delivers meals. It's super easy around your schedule. It's the perfect solution if you're looking for fast premium options with no cooking required. Just sign up and save.

So head to factormeals.com slash gil sent me five zero and use code gil sent me 50 to get 50% off. It's gil sent me 50 at factormeals.com slash gil sent me 50 to get 50% off. Come on, everybody. Join Factor. I eat them in the garage. Jake's my buddy. I don't like Gareth. Let's do it. Today's episode is sponsored by Booking.com, a.k.a. Booking.yeah. That's right, Jake. Listen, as you know, I'm on the road currently in a hotel currently that I booked on Booking.com previously.

And you told us that off air. Nope. I don't want you told us that off air. Nope. I don't want to get into that too much. I just want to say how great. No, go ahead. Well, you said it's pretty funny. So the stand-up places book most of your nights. But on the layover night, when you don't have the club booking it,

you needed to book your own space. And you said, I used booking.com. And it was so easy. And we said, well, this is the goddamn commercial, Garth. No, you also pointed out that I have a room with two beds because when I pay for it, Luke, who's my opener, he and I share a room because, you know, you try to save money on the road, which is why I use Booking.com.

And another thing that's great about Booking.com is this situation without the two beds that I booked on Booking.com becomes a lot more Three Stooges-esque if it's one bed. So I get the two beds. They make it easy on you. You know what you're going to get when you show up. You're very familiar. It doesn't matter if you're looking for a remote mountain cabin or a relaxing beach resort or a hotel that you share with a guy you met in college there's multiple a multitude of choices you can get at booking.com i agree and i was just told when my kids spring break is and my wife said we have nothing planned if you want to plan something and i thought oh i didn't realize this is uh gonna be on the old jakester

and i'm gonna go to booking.com. To see if I can figure out a weird four days to keep everybody busy so the kids don't drive me nuts. So booking. Yeah. Save me. There we go. So this spring, check out booking.com for your ideal hotel or vacation home.

No matter where you go in the U.S., book whoever you want to be on Booking.com. Booking.com. Booking. Yeah. Hey, everyone. Producer Kevin here. This next follow-up is from episode 40 called Parental Guidance with Eduardo Franco. It's the first call on that episode, and it came out January 1st this year. So if you'd like to check that out as a quick refresher before this follow-up, go for it. Enjoy the follow-up. Hello? Hi, you are on a follow-up, but Gareth and I do not know who this is. So can you give us your name and remind us of your call?

Yes, this is Anna. I am the tourist whose parents still kiss them on the mat. Oh, yes. We talked to you right before the holidays, I believe. You did. You did. And I think our suggestion was take photos of it and make it a book. Was that correct? Yeah. You've got a great memory. Yes. That's shocking. Thanks, Anna. The floor is yours, Anna. What's happening? We are very interested. And I got to say, Garth, the follow-ups are becoming my favorite part of the show.

They're great. Should we just put a finer point on what this first call was very quickly? Yes, yes, yes. So essentially, you had the issue where your mother and I believe your stepfather were big mouth. They gave mouth kisses. And it was your stepfather were big mouth. They gave mouth kisses. And it was your stepfather would give you a mouth kiss too. But not her brothers. And not your brothers. And it was about to be the holidays.

And we were recommending, I mean, I guess we gave, as always, a litany of options. But yes, we'd sort of landed on the best thing was that this was sweet. Maybe we embraced the oddity of it. I'm not going to have them forever. And you're not going to have them forever. So we turn it into some sort of like decoupaged book where you're able to share this experience. And now, Gareth, I'm excited. I got to give it to Anna. The floor is yours.

Anna, please start catching us up. The best part was after my family, not my parents, but my brothers listened to it, I got a text from my brother's wife that said they do it to me too. So I guess they kissed my sister-in-law. Wow, that's even crazier. Okay. Amazing. That's crazier.

All the women getting kissed. I know. I know. And we failed to get pictures honestly i kind of felt like i was emailing too much and i didn't want to like send more pictures because i did send a photo that already existed from my wedding of my stepfather kissing me on the mouth yeah is it cool if i share that on the pot anna sure yeah all right i'm showing everyone right now. Oh, my Lord. Oh, my Lord. That is the cover of the book for sure. That is a part that looks like the groom just isn't wearing a tuxedo.

Jake, let's and again, I mean this and I just want to give the audience in case they can't see this a description of what we're seeing. He he's he's wearing a nice little hat and it's not even it's definitely a straight up lip kiss. It looks locked. There's there's also his left arm. So it looks like you're in a wedding dress the problem is that he's got my left yeah he's got the left arm on the back of your head which indicates that there is a little bit of entrapment there is a bit of a lot on my head what's on the back of your neck oh i didn't even notice that yeah so he's definitely got a backup plan for if you pull away yeah i mean he just he drops that elbow in the center of the neck she's not going anywhere. It's like a quarter Nelson.

And then just lastly, as a guy who's been watching a lot of romantic comedies with my 10 year old daughter, that is a beautiful dress, Anna. Yes. Nice work. Thank you. That was the highlight. I mean, I think the marriage. I didn't know that you could rent heaven for a wedding, Angel.

But they always say when a woman puts on a dress, she said, this one was made for me, and I got to say, that one was made for you. Oh, my gosh. I have full-blown skills. And let me just ask if it hurt when they removed your wings. Sparrows, please. Sparrows, stop.

Okay, go ahead. Jake, go ahead. You're doing great, though. You don't have a thought on the dress. I have that gear. You don't have to talk. No, I know. I have a little bit of another follow-up.

I don't know if it's breaking the fourth wall, though. Please, break it. Well, we actually, my husband and I do comedy, and we had Gareth on one of our shows recently at the Venice, and he absolutely crushed. He was amazing. So if anyone out there is listening to this and they're like, Oh, he's coming to my town. Should I go? Go. It is worth it. So funny. Thank you again for doing the show. Yes. I didn't even realize that was you. That's

crazy. Walk us through what that is. Garth. Uh, I did her show and I, I do not. Yeah. I did not make the connection that this was, uh was who you were, which is wild. Now I'm making that connection. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Well, now I have to say, though, a good alt title for this show is you don't have to talk, Gareth. Any bit, even if you don't have anything, you just hear Gareth go like.

There's a bit. I'm in it. I'm it i'm in it i'm working i'm working on it so fantastic oh he's a very funny man so anna you're the follow-up to where we're at now is yeah he you found out the your stepdad is also kissing your sister-in-laws. And so where are we at now? What are you doing? What's the latest? Oh, it's like while we were home, we all were like huddled in the corner talking about it. How do we get these pictures done? Like we as a family are all in.

It's made such a fun bit for us that will last for years. You know, they don't go home very often. So every time I go home, we're going to try our hardest. We tried to get some this time, but it was a little too difficult. But we're going to figure out a perfect way. It's a tough moment to catch. Here's why it's a tough moment to catch. Because if anything, you might need to hold it longer to catch it.

And then we're entering a dangerous zone. Yeah, I think that's correct. Well, if he's holding the back of my neck, I guess I didn't even realize that. It's got to be long enough. He's locked in. And last, before we go, what's a plug? Where can people find you so that they can see your comedy as well? Oh, that's amazing.

Anna Samary, just my name is my handle. Also, if you just want to look at that video you took of the three, it's got three million views now of the tourist. Did you see that on Instagram? I was like, could a girl get a tag? That was crazy. Which one was this? With the guest when I was talking, when you go, when he goes

or you could be a pug. Oh, Eduardo Franco. Oh, pug rep. Yes. What is he, a pug? Well, to be fair, I don't think we anticipated that video exploding like it did. Oh, I know. That was wild. That was wild.

So, yeah, Anna Sameri. And then Jake, while I have you, just because I don't know if I'll ever speak to you again, I love absolutely everything you've ever done. I know this isn't a movie you wrote, but Safety Not Guaranteed is like literally top three favorite movies for me. Standing Ovation at the end. Damn near changed my life love that movie so much and nobody talks about it as much as they should so i just wanted

to give you your flowers for that i appreciate that anna we appreciate your call and this is a really fun call and we hope good things happen for you thank you so much thanks guys i'm a pretty talented producer too but great chatting with you. Jake, isn't it weird when you... That was sad, Kevin. It's just crazy when someone makes everything about themselves. I agree. Yuck.

Disgusting. Gross. Yuck. Thanks, Anna. Bye. Bye. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds.

The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's OliverRaleigh.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. That's OliverRaleigh.com. That's OliverRaleigh.com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.