We're Here to Help - 62: I'm Milwaukin' Here! with Lisa Gilroy

Episode Date: March 18, 2024

Jake, Gareth and special guest Lisa Gilroy talk to callers about a discontinued soda and book club drama. Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] (Ad-Free Episodes, Bonus Calls and Behind the Scenes): Patreon.com/HereToHelpPodVIDEO: Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. And we are back that's right jake here we are another episode boy what an episode too we had a lot of fun doing this one we did we've got the great the hilarious lisa gilroy um so funny she's so funny i first met her uh or not her, but I first got interested in her because she did this Willy Wonka bit on Instagram that I thought was real. And I thought it was so unthinkably funny. Well, you were even referencing it at some point when we were doing the show. And I had not made the connection, but I like i've seen that it was so funny yes you know what she is one of these people and now that we are veterans of this game garf because we are

we're not are we not yes i don't know if you are not of podcasting oh no yeah we're veterans of trying of the hollywood grind of the grind yes uh is that people like a lisa gilroy i'm now starting to realize that like somebody will pop up and their talent will really take them to the top and all of a sudden you'll see them and then they're in more and more stuff and then there's in something else and then you go like oh wait they're in that thing too and then they have a whole moment and it's becoming fun to watch. And it's so frustrating when you're a guy like me who's like, why did that never, what the hell?

You know what we need to discuss, Garf? I'm having fun. We're having fun. I'm having a little morning whiskey. I've been doing some heroin in the room. You have a wild way of making everything about you. You know, Jake. Everything. Believe it or not, Jake, it in the room you have a wild way of making everything about you you know jake everything believe it or not jake something that's come up in my relationships is this real oh yeah they're

like but i'm talking i try to know it's not it's the fun well it's a big so they'll say like you know i'm having really bad period cramps and you'll go you think you have bad period i have or no what i'll do is i'll go i have grammar issues and they'll be like this is a dumb conversation because then you'll go you'll go honest to god i have the i have a heavier flow than you uh my flow is pretty bad i i honestly haven't gotten my i haven't got my period in over six months you'll go they'll go i'm having a really bad period you'll go i haven't had my period in 45 years you got it bad my hormones are out of control yeah so she is on a podcast with the very funny ike barrenholz called the chris chapman do-over yeah you can find that anywhere you find podcasts she's so funny and

she's so great on the show huge fan of hers huge fan um and we're lucky to have her uh and uh like we always say we really appreciate all the support uh the show is on youtubes yes go watch it this intro is on zoom but the call is in person and also we have other quick news to announce by this time the kev man will be officially the market which is bad news for anyone trying to bang him not true not true yet the wedding's off the wedding's off no no no

oh sorry by the way then I want to say a wonderful choice by your fiance to make the decision all her friends are pushing her to make actually Kevinvin she called the show when you weren't working with us we said dear friend you can do better the ship my dear and then when kevin called we said lock her up put a ring on this one but you are getting married kevin

very soon yep now to close this the way we did it, if there's a theme, Gareth is now going to say, I'm single. You know, I actually, marriage is not something that's happened to me. But I'm available. I have a cat. Your kid does, you really, it's sad how predictable I've become. Sadly, both of us. Yeah, well. Besides the cat man.

When you called me Robert from Shark Tank, it cut deep because of you. And same with me as Barb. You are Barbara. Anyway, we are also a podcast that has calls, which we'll get to now. So everyone, thank you for everything. And Jake, why don't you hit it? Enjoy the show. I did it wrong.

That's okay. You did great. Without further ado! Enjoy everybody. Hello, can we get your name, please? Hello, I'm Ben. Hey, Ben. Where are you calling from, Ben? Hey, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Go Pack. Go Pack. Benny boy! I'm from Milwaukee, Lisa, so this is a big deal for me. Milwaukee. I got this, Jake. Whereabouts Milwaukee from? Give me a little suburb. What are you talking? Lake Drive? Well, I grew up in West Bend. West Bend.

Now I live by West Allis. Oh, West Allis. That's nice. See, you're a West guy. You don't like Easts. We're losing the room here, Ben, but you and I... I think you're also losing the accent. Come on. Listen, it's a great start. Go ahead, Jake.

What'd you think of what you got? Milwaukee. I'm Milwaukee here. I'm Milwaukee here. Nice. You are here with a special guest, Miss Lisa Gilroy. Regional accent expert. I'm Milwaukee.

Give us a little Florida. Oh, Florida. What's the matter with my pizza? Give us a little New York City, girl. Yeah, what's the matter with that one, huh? And now take us all the way down to Texas. Also, we're not marching, eh? Wonderful.

Now, jump over the pond to mexico i can't do that ben what's the problem tried to get her there's no collar that's kevin on the line this was a real gotcha moment hey ben what's the question what can we help you with all right so i gotta give a little backstory first when i was a a teenager, I drank a lot of soda, big soda guy. But I drank too much and I got a bunch of cavities. I got like over 10 cavities one summer. And then I was like, no more, no more soda. So I got into sparkling water instead.

But, you know, it's just not the same. Until during quarantine over at pick and save nice i found soda flavored water root beer cola and dr flavor doctor and i was freaking obsessed and uh i didn't drink anything else after that i drank this stuff all the time and made all my friends try it. And then I went in one time and there was a sign on the shelf saying it was discontinued. There was still some on the shelf, though. So I bought every single 12-pack. It didn't say?

We'll find out in 10 years. It didn't say. So I bought every 12 pack in that store And I went to other stores and bought them And I was drinking them over the last So Ben you have issues with addiction Let's stay away from anything you'd ever put in your nose My guy

He's addicted to water so sue him Driving around getting it by the case Going like you got any of this weird root beer water Listen Dr. Flavor has a PhD, Jake. Dr. Flavor is wrong. Dr. Flavor, every woman's ex-husband. By the way, the best vanity license plate is Dr. Flavor. Oh, what a great name for her ex-husband.

Dr. Flavor. So you went around and you bought out all the Dr. Flavor. I'm showing them the picture you sent. Holy fuck, yeah, you weren't kidding, huh? Okay, Ben. Fizz and cum. And did you get more than the trunkful we're seeing? Because while it's a lot, I mean, it's, you know.

Oh, so you said this was soda-flavored water, but it's soda-flavored sparkling water, which is soda. Fuck you. Wait, is it? Well, it's probably low sugar. Is it? It's all chemicals. Zero sugar.

Okay, okay. But it's just chemicals. What percent close would you say, is Dr. Flavor trying to be Dr. Pepper? Exactly the same without sugar. How close percentage-wise does it taste to being the same? And don't say 100%. I haven't really had real soda or real Dr. Pepper in a long time.

Suck some out of one of your cavities. Try one now. Let's see what happens. Give a little slurp. So, all right, Ben. So I think we got the setup. You had a bunch of cavities. You were a big soda guy.

So was I. Something about the Midwest. You found Dr. Flavor, which you can basically get fake soda, which is root beer and Dr. Pepper. But for somehow they don't have sugar in it. You filled your hatchback. Yeah. They discontinued it. You bought what looks like 18 cases of it.

What's the problemo? Problemo is, well, definitely the problem is that it's gone. And I tried a bunch of things to try to get it back. I wrote to Kroger. Oh, wow. They said it wasn't popular enough. Take it easy, man. It's just a stupid joke.

Ben, you're a goofball, dude. Ben, when you wrote this letter, did you cut out magazine letters? It's just weird soda water. I wrote to Kroger. I petitioned. Ben, you're a goofball, dude. Ben, when you wrote this letter, did you cut out magazine letters? It's just weird soda water. I wrote to Kruger. I petitioned. I got some friends who were picketing. It's fucking root beer, man.

Jake, you can never be a therapist. No, no, no. It's why he's great for this show. First of all, you're acting like a fucking goofball. It's why he's great for this show. Relax. Jake. So I'm thinking of leaving my wife. Well, fucking do it, you goofball.

Okay. Ben, what did Kroger say in response to your ransom? Nothing. They didn't write him back. They did. What did they say, Benny? It might have been an automatic email. It said it wasn't popular enough. That's not an automatic response. That's someone being like,

whoa, we got a live one here. 100%. That weird drink wasn't popular enough, comma, Ben. Also, Ben, stop writing us. Okay, so you've basically explored avenues to try to find

Dr. Flavor. It's not working. What else have you done? You wrote to Kruger? I should also tell you that there's a Facebook group for fans of this water. What? Come on, man. And they have petitions.

Oh, my God. Really? So what are you asking? Is this question now you're going to say, how do I get a girlfriend? I'm going to say, cool it with the Dr. Flavor, goof. I was going to say, hey, homeboy, get a couple of cavities. No girl likes this stuff. So what are your interests?

She's like, well, I'm in a book club. I like this. How about you? Do you want to go find Dr. Flavor? I love Dr. Flavor. I love the Dr. Pepper one. I love the root beer one. There's some in Mackinac.

We have to take a boat. Yeah. I'll tell you what's not a panty dropper. I wrote to Kroger. Kroger. You keep doing like it's. While he's in a nightmare. Freddy Kroger.

Scariest bad guy. Freddy Kroger. His nightmare. Freddy Kroger. Freddy Kroger. Scary as bad guy, Freddy Kroger. In his nightmare, Freddy Kroger, I'm moving Dr. Flavor away, Ben. So, Ben, what's the question? If you die in your dreams, yes, you die in real life. Well, I have cans left out of the 40 cases. How many? Six cans.

Better save them for your daughter's wedding, brother! You gotta really... When do I drink them? In a follow-up, what do I do when they're gone? That's the question after all this. I'm nervous about the cans going away. You are? Yeah, I don't know. It makes me feel like...

Well, we've got to pick really great moments for this. Lisa, are you an addiction lady? You got some stuff? I just really don't like the ending of things. And like, you know, like if something like a perfume gets discontinued, that happened to my mom's perfume when I was a child. And I made her spray a tank top and put it in a Ziploc bag for me. Wow.

Hey, Ben, I think we found the female Ben. What is the plan with that tank top bag um i don't have it anymore okay wow okay interesting regular let it go don't have it so the question can you send it to ben i'll tell you i don't have this and i'll tell you you don't got a ziploc bag with your mom's tank top in it as therapist jake would say i'm not a nut ball so your question is then you got six left when to drink them and then what to do yep well i'm gonna i can pitch first unless somebody's got something oh i think i have a really good idea perfect okay so this is i think you should take it and and start to do science you have six cans left so start to do some kind of science with it so that by the end of the sixth

can you can make it yourself i don't think we should just be casually enjoying this i think you could find take it to a lat take it to a hospital and say hey what's the blood work on this do you have a but hold on they're emergency? Don't say butthole on. You said butthole. Jake, you didn't say butthole. I don't know what Lisa was saying. Is that Jake's safe word? Yeah, butthole.

I guess it's too confusing. Butthole, butthole, butthole, butthole. It's a really bad safe word. Hey, do you mind if I take your pants off? Butthole, butthole. Butthole, butthole. Okay. Ah, butthole, butthole.

The massage is about to start. All right,. Butthole. Butthole. Butthole. Butthole. Okay. Ah! Butthole. Butthole. The massage is about to start. All right. Go butthole. You're saying find some sort of a lab. Make your own Dr. Flavor? Yeah, because, you know, SodaStream, I don't have one, but people say that there's pockets of flavor you can do that are like pop. I mean soda.

So, yes, I hear exactly what you're saying. Ben, is there any world you're going to become a science man and figure out how to make dr flavor like teach a man to fish kind of ben yes i do have a soda stream and i did buy some weird dr uh pepper flavored extract on amazon and it just went hit and right yeah i get it because you want to know why it was discontinued my man yeah because they're putting they're putting poison in it has to be they're killed hey ben ben but they should they're trying they're trying to kill you my they should just put a warning on it well the one cigarettes yeah but there was something in there that they knew this shit ain't right for a can american company to be discontinued for health you're not wrong i just got another idea what is it? Okay Ben

the last six cans that you drink take your, sorry I'm going to say penis. I don't know you at all but put your penis on the counter or wherever you want to put it drop a book on it hard while you're drinking it and then you won't like it anymore. And then you won't miss it and you won't need it. Ben what do you think about

throwing a book on your penis when you drink your last so sorry i've no but as a doctor i've tried to communicate this is an interesting idea and that is you love these and you're having some i want to say ben as a friend you're having some weird thing with this doctor flavor shit and it's connected to something that connected to you as a kid was soda. And Lisa's saying, take it, slowly be drinking it. So you're getting that whole endorphin rush. You're now little boy Ben. Ben, you're safe.

It's that sweet taste of root beer that you can whack, throw a book on your dick. And if you can't do it, get a friend to do it. So Ben, what did you think about the idea of drinking the drink, whack yeah throw a book on your dick and if you can't do it get a friend to do it so ben what did you think about the idea of drinking the drink having the endorphin rush and dropping something like a book on your penis and not a paperback brother i know what you're gonna try to get away with yeah it's not for fun don't like that one okay okay don't like that one okay so then i i got a pitch for you all right i got two got two. Go ahead. You go first. No, go. So here's what I would say.

I'm not a big believer in dragging this shit on. I'm a believer in you got a problem. It's time to end it. So take the six cans, drink them as fast as you can. Go nuts. Enjoy them. Let them go on your chin. Weird.

Just go nuts. You're going to get a bit of a stomachache. By three, you're going to say, like, I've had enough. Keep pushing. Remember the old idea of, like, if you catch your kid smoking? Dad's going to make you smoke the whole pack. Want a cigarette? Yeah.

Here's 20. So what I would say is back to back, very little air in between. Chug six Dr. Flavors. Afterwards, you're going to get the stomach ache. You're going to feel gassy. You're going to go, why did I do that? Throw a book on your dick. And then you go to yourself. It's over, Ben. It's over. Flavors, afterwards, you're going to get the stomach ache. You're going to feel gassy. You're going to go, why did I do that? And then you go to yourself.

It's over, Ben. It's over. Ben, it's tough. Jake's giving you some tough love. I like it. I'm going to give you two. You're in a Facebook group of psychopaths for Dr. Flavor, correct? Yes.

Okay. Here's my first pitch. Two cans. You leave for yourself for a special occasion. Let's get some money for the other four. Auction them off, get a little bit of money, and then put that into an experience for yourself. That's my first pitch.

My second pitch is why not just have, like Jake said, maybe have two or three of these and just put three away and save them for moments that you'll know. I feel like it's not going to be good to just be like, this is going to be for my 40th birthday or shit like that. So that might be a way to go about it too. Okay. The other thing I was going

to say that's super weird, but in the Facebook group, hold some sort of weird Dr. Flavor contest and get two other people over and you and two other Dr. Flavor cheerleaders enjoy two cans each. I have a better idea than that. Go.

Well, that's a tough way to hear it, but okay. Sorry, sorry. But I think go, speaking of Dr. Flavor competition, start the annual Dr. Flavor parade and fair competition and have everybody come together once a year on December 25th, of course, 7 a.m. And have everybody bring their recipe for Dr. Flavor. Now, you're going to ration these cans for once a year because you taste everybody's recipe,

then you taste from the can to see who's closest. And everyone has 365 days to workshop their recipe, and by the end, you will... That's a great idea. That's six years, six cans. You will have your own recipe by then. So, I've got one other idea, and then we're going to get to you.

I would go in your bathroom as soon as this calls over, take all six, and pour them in a toilet bowl. What's going on with you? You're such a cruel creature. What's going on with you? Ben, see, this is the problem with these big city Chicago guys. No, here's why. You're trying to talk to the salt of the earth, and you're offending him.

Here's why, Ben. You're on his side. You're on his side. Here's why. Every once in a while while you have a great love story you love someone they love you you fall in love what a wonderful thing and then it's over what a sad girlfriend down the toilet no because then you could go what happened you go well she cheated on you and now she's with the other guy and every once in a while you go oh my god i'm

listening to that song by the police that was our song and you remember him and you think all those dreams we had they could come true you know what you got to do take all the old letters cut them up throw them in a toilet bowl if you still have one of her old t-shirts spray it with your perfume and put it in no rip it up pick up dog poo with it oh throw it in the garbage because it's over ben you could create a weird parade on Christmas and have everybody come up with these things. And you know what you're going to get in six years? Something that don't taste like Dr. Flavor.

And you know what? I can guarantee you, the only thing you've got to watch out for at that festival on Christmas Day is somebody's going to be on the tippy-top of Mount Crumpit looking at an arrow down with his little fucking dog and ruin your parade. And that's Jake Johnson.

So you hear your options, Ben. And then we're going to need to know what you're going to arrow down with his little fucking dog and ruin your parade. And that's Jake Johnson. So you hear your options, Ben. And then we're going to need to know what you're going to do, because I think at this point, it's fair to say we care about you. So you either find a scientist. By the way, I love our first call. We've been talking to him for so long. The first one is fine. Number two, which you don't like.

Have you seen Jurassic Park, Ben? Imagine that with Dr. Flavor. Is there any in amber? Number two is the penis drop, which is a you fuck with the association while you're drinking. Three, chug them all at once so you get a stomachache. I don't remember who said that, but I think that's smart. Weird. Four, save two cans, sell the rest, take yourself on a trip.

Not to be confused with the bird. Yep. With the bird. You said save two cans. Six. Six. Just go in the bathroom and pour them all in a toilet bowl and get rid of them. That's a crazy pitch.

I think that's a smart one. Honestly, and by the way, this pitch is only coming because Jake Johnson's mouth is sewn to the sewage system, and he wants to drink your sodas, man. Oh, he's going to be under your toilet. He's like, flush them down. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. He's going to have his head in there like a massage table. He normally eats your poo.

This would be such a nice change up for him. Well, yeah, it's not bad. Don't be deceived. This is not a selfless pitch. Number seven, create a Dr. Flavor cocktail. Jake, I feel like you're- That's the best one. Jake, it's a great one.

And Jake, you have attitude on pitches that aren't yours. Yours last one was to put them in the toilet. Okay, so then number seven, create a parade, a Dr. Flavor parade, where every year at 7 a.m. on Christmas, a bunch of Dr. Flavor fans where every year at 7 a.m. on Christmas, a bunch of Dr. Flavor fans come out, march around. They all create their own soda in their house, which is disgusting. It's a little disgusting with all their weird germs.

People do that. They bake pies and bring them to the fair. Is that disgusting? No, I agree. Maybe it's not disgusting. Everybody drinks it. Then you all share one weird can of soda and see who's right. Or you're somehow the only judge

and everybody watches you drink the real thing while they've made their fake ones and you go like, nope, the real one's better, and everyone goes, this parade sucks, can I have one? You go, no, but next year you can watch me drink another. And we get five more years of you guys watching. Attendance was pretty

low again this year. And then all your friends get to watch you drink them so ben take us out of here my friend what are you gonna do to get over this doctor flavor addiction because you gotta you got a problem my friend and that's coming from one guy who's got addiction issues to another i like the chug them all at once option what combined okay the science and then piss in the toilet so jake you drink it yeah honestly other? I like the chug them all at once option. What? Combined with the science option. And then piss them in the toilet so Jake can drink it? Yeah, honestly. Then drink your piss.

Okay, so hold on. You seem to be a reasonable guy. Drink them all six and then what? And then I like the science option as well. After I'm done chugging them, I'm not going to give up. I'm going to do some science. Don't chug them if you're going to see the scientist. You can do them in the other order.

Hey, Ben, are you a family member of mine? Because you got rocks for brains. You seem like one of us. I'm going to chug them all, and then I'm going to say to the scientist, it kind of tasted like root beer. And he's going to go, do you have a sample? And you're going to say, no, I just drank all six before I got here. I have a terrible stomachache.

I drank all six. Can you make them? So if you're going to do the science thing, my guy, you got to do that first, right? Okay, I'll leave one can for science. And are you going to chug the other five? Yes. Hey, Ben, are you at home? Don't do it now.

Are you willing to do it now? I mean. Ben, you said you wanted to get over this. Yeah. I probably got to give my wife at least a couple of them. So we'll chug them together. Okay. You know what it sounds like?

You ever have an addict in your family and you do like an intervention? And you go, you got to stop now. And they go, but my boyfriend Rodney, I need to have one more cigarette with him down under to the bridge yeah and you go so not now oh but definitely tomorrow morning i'm done well there is no more cigarettes in this world so ben your move is gonna be you're gonna take one save it for science and then maybe chug the other five with your can i girlfriend this is real might be the craziest end to a call we've done and that's really saying something.

But Ben, is that right? Is that what's going to happen? Or don't forget Jake's old-timey pitch, drink them, drink them all six. Why don't you drink them all six, huh? Here at Dr. Fizz, we recommend you drink them all six. All right, Ben. Good luck to you, man.

Drink them all six. Thanks. Bye, buddy. It's been a pleasure. All right. See. Good luck to you, man. Drink them all, sex. Thanks. Bye, buddy. Been a pleasure. All right. See you. Goodbye. Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel.

That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science-backed language learning app that actually works, which I find to be very important. Science-backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor. They come over. They're like asking for snacks. They're being annoying. Or even waste hours on apps that don't really help.

We're here to help, and Babbel is going to help you. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations. and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations. So, Jake, for instance, if you want to learn, I started relearning French through Babbel a little bit. Yes, because I used to know French, but then I don't know French, but it's still there. You know what I like about it is that it's got a speech recognition technology. Yep. Because the problem with learning a new language is if you sound like you're from

another country yes if it can actually help with the accent yeah that's a big ass and applicable to situations you're going to find yourself in like when i think back to taking french it was just like so much it was like i'm never going to do that like how do you order food how do you get a drink how do you ask for directions but But so Babbel's great. Now, listen, listen, everybody. Should we bring him in? Wait, one quick pause. Should we bring in the closer? Studies from Yale.

This is interesting. Michigan State University and others prove that Babbel is better. So one study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college. So if that's true, which Yale's no joke, it's just putting schooling in a different light. Yes. If you spend 15 hours, let's say you didn't go to college

and you always feel like, well, I don't know, I didn't go to college. 15 hours, you just did a semester. Yeah. That's wild. Yes.

That's a wild study. So speaking of language, should we bring in the closer or should I do it? Closer. All right, hold on. Let's get him. Kevin? Door's open.

Oh, you meant Gil. I meant Kevin. I thought Kevin was going to do it. No, I thought we were talking about the closer. Well, you were. He parked in front of all our cars, so might as well. Oh, we can't leave. Well, what's the problem?

Go ahead. So that old jalopy is Gil's? Yes. And you can leave. Well, what's the problem? Go ahead. So that old jalopy is Gil's? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. Nah, keep it running. It's bad for something. A lot of smoke. I'm pausing a serious accent. Now listen, here's a special limited time deal for our listeners.

Right now, get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners. This isn't for people who don't listen, like Laura from one of the calls earlier. These are standalone. At babbel.com slash hth. Jake, let me finish. Get 55% off babbel.com slash hth.

Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash hth. We're going to want you to babbel. We want you to babbel. I'll tell you what, I don't want to babble your ear off. I've got to go back to the jalopy. Rules and restrictions this episode is brought to you by zocdoc zocdoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you

and instantly book appointments with them online. Garth, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because as you know, my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement and it was crazy. It was a crazy situation. And there were so many times, so many things like complications were popping up.

And there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly, somewhere close. You use ZocDoc. Yeah, you would use ZocDoc. Because it's just so much harder if you're just like, you know, like using search engines to try to find someone. And then you call, do they take your insurance? Yeah, but the problem also. ZocDoc has filters for all that. The problem with also just searching it is all the

ads pop up yes and what i like i actually use zocdoc we since we started doing it i do like that it keeps it really clean and you can put all your information in yeah did you use zocdoc for your knee i did use zocdoc for my knee which i am going to get an mri on but we don't think it's a tear that's the good news but i am going to get an m on. Oh, you are? But we don't think it's a tear. That's the good news. But I am going to get an MRI. The doctor report back, it's just an old man's knee. It's actually pretty much what it sounded like. That's what a doctor said to me about my hips. I'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like, yeah, you're just the...

He goes, I've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this. Well, you're mid-40s, yeah? Ugh, what a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on ZocDoc. But again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you. Treat basically. And again, you can get an appointment quickly.

You can also get it same day. That's absolutely right, Jake, if you're lucky. That's right. Gil Buchanan, ones and twos, 68 balmy. Don't worry about it. That's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother.

You never, literally never left. Wherever the best time in the world, go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Did you hear how much that cost you? Free! Free, that's right! And then find and book a top rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C

D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H ZocDoc dot com slash HTH. ZocDoc.com slash HTH. Hi. Hi there. Welcome to America's number one podcast. We're here to help. Are you excited about being on the show?

Hello. I am. I am. Sorry. It's all right. It might be a satellite delay. Can we get your name, age, and where you're calling from, please? Yes.

My name is Harriet. I am 24, and I am currently calling from Chicago. Oh, great. So you are on with Gareth, myself, and somebody who I'm a very big fan of. She knows us through Instagram, because I've DM'd you about it. Yeah. And talked to your manager'd you about it. Yeah. And talked to your manager about you. Jake, relax.

Miss Lisa Gilroy. Hello, sugar baby. Welcome to Radio 49. Thank you for joining us, Lisa. Thank you for joining us, Harriet. And thank you, Jake, for joining us as always. And thank you, radio lady. And Gareth, take it or leave it.

All right, Harriet, we're back. Rocket money. Can we get your problem? What's going on? Let us know. Yes. Okay. So I recently joined a book club off of the Facebook group that I'm part of.

But Harriet, you're 24, honey. I know. What the hell is going on? And's a book well okay i feel like covid set us all back so everybody's researching back to facebook whatever sounds like it sets you forward to 65 honey baby i'm kidding i'm sorry um so from the start we all like get put in this group chat from the start this girl in the in the group is immediately kind of targeting me, it seems. She's very dismissive of all of my ideas. I'm not a very outspoken person, but I was like, I'm going to be direct.

I'm going to plan this out, get this book club going. It'll be great. Every time I threw something out there, she was like, nope, not having it. Throws out her own counter pitch that, in my my opinion is worse, but it is what it is. Hey, Harriet, let's name this bully. Let's just call her, let's call her Darla. Darla? You picked the cutest name in the world?

Or also the most like old lady name too. Darla. Darla. I hate your stinking guts. You devil. Okay, so Harrietriet you've joined a book club there's a group chat and darla doesn't like any of your ideas the floor is yours continue so then we split the group into two based on like which part of the city we're in and she appoints herself as the leader of like the north side group are you guys are north side well all right I'll stop.

I'll stop. Keep going, Harriet. Things are going really good for me. Hey, Jake. Harriet, keep going. I can't stop now. Can we mute, Jake? Jake, will you mute yourself?

What were you going to say, Lisa? Northside Harriet. Oh, boy. Wait, is that a Chicago accent? Oh, you're from Chicago? Yeah. Daddy was a cop on the south side of Chicago. Back in the good old days.

Back in the battle with... You remember this song? Yeah. Do you? Of course. Say more of it. North side of Chicago. The night Chicago died.

Night shift. Yeah, I remember that. That's really good. feels like you're north side of Chicago the night Chicago died night shift na na na na na na na na na night Chicago died yeah I remember that that's really good Jake you have no clue what's happening right no you don't know the song

no I'm gonna send it to you it's fantastic carry it wait hold on what is the song it's called the night Chicago died

and who wrote it it's like a 70s song daddy was a cop it started the first lyric is daddy was a cop yeah it was like I was a cop I was a cop. The first lyric is, Daddy was a cop. That's cool.

We saw Chicago. Paper lace. It's an incredible song because it is storytelling about something historical. The night Chicago died. Pretty cool. All right, Harriet, listen. We're not here to talk about the night Chicago died, but it feels relevant.

Okay, so two groups right one north side and one's your side keep going darla runs the north side oh darla is the north side okay darla's on the north side i'm in her group i guess she points herself as a leader in the big group they said hold the first meeting in a public place immediately we get into the small group she says i'm hosting this at my apartment it's very small and i'm a pervert yeah she says i have a dog i have two cats my boyfriend lives with me it's a small apartment but i want to host it's also like a solid 35 minutes away from everybody else in the group come into my place well Cool, cool, cool.

And yeah. So I was like, okay, rude, whatever. But I'm going to choose my battles, let it go. She starts getting mad at everyone in the group for not responding to her messages. She's like throwing out like dates and times that don't work for anyone and then getting mad that no one will respond. She's like December 25th, 7 a.m.

What's going on? Huh? 2028. What are y'all up to? Yes. Like someone would say like specifically, like I get out of work at this time. She'd be like, great.

Half an hour before that, let's meet. Perfect. Not great. Whatever. We finally decide on a time, get the time and date settled. A couple of days go by and she posts in the group and says hey guys this is random but can anyone dog sit for me today um my sitter canceled or whatever and is this the same caller yeah same problem i thought we were

just getting to the end and now we're dog sitting yeah this is all darla this is what it's like to be a darla's group harriet the mean darla just because there's a lot cooking in your setup you guys are in a book club no no no i'm not mad at it i'm just trying to catch up i'm gonna explain it please what's happening is darla pretended to be part of the book club wanted to host but, but really she's going to Mexico with her boyfriend. And when everyone comes over for a book club, they're dog sitting. That's what's happening. And then she's going to make them stay overnight.

She's like, sleep over book club, but it's just free dog sitting. And then they're like, where's Darla? Where are my clothes? There's a note on the fridge that says, like, the dog needs to go out twice a day. The door won't open. Dog needs eight people to sleep with. Here's the book I want you to talk about while I'm gone. So then

Darla says, I need a dog sitter. Yes, I need a dog sitter. She does not offer any payment except she says, quote, we can give a one-hour massage tune-up. Oh my god. Wait, wait, what? She's combining like... Wait, Lisa,

go ahead. A one-hour massage tune-up? is that what you said tune up tune up exact word not tune up tune up tune up

she massages tune up by the way I'm a tune up massage man that's great what does one hour massage tune up mean am I stupid I'm not gonna get deep tissue

I'll just do like a couple spots like it's just like a little like yeah there you go thanks a lot. Thanks for looking after my dog.

Hi, do you want Swedish or... I'll just take the tune-up. And she said we, which is ultra terrifying. Robert Kraft, the owner of the pager, has gotten in a lot of trouble for the old... Just the tune-up. It's just the tune-up! I think Lisa does make a great point, which is that it was a we.

That's very scary. Which is not great to be like, don't worry, it's me and my boyfriend. You never need four hands on me. I disagree. Harriet, we're back. If I'm getting a tuna thing, I would rather. You want a four-hand tuna slap down? I would love to go like this.

Do you mind taking your bottoms off? Sure, Darla. Hello, Craig. Hello, Jake. Yeah. Tune me up. Right. Let's get started.

We got an hour. I'm going to watch the dog for free. So Harriet, what? So they said we can't pay, but we will give you an hour massage tune up. The floor is yours. Then what happens? Yeah. So I'm just...

The meetup's supposed to be next weekend, and no one responds to that message. I don't respond to that message. What would you possibly respond? Hey, stop texting. What would a response be? This is a book club? Yeah, so I'm nervous that based on the responses,

I would be the only person to show up. So I'm wondering oh did i go and if i go can you guys help me plan an escape plan or if i'm the only this is crazy i mean this is supposed to be a fucking book club but the call the question is nobody has said yes to going to the book club meeting at darla's weird place with her weird boyfriend nobody responded to the dog sitter thing do you go and risk being the only person with her and her pervert boyfriend is the book club all ladies no are there any men in the book club no people have said yes they are going to the book club they just have no one responded to the dog message whatsoever oh no but that's okay you don't have to dog sit yeah so i so do you go to what do you

go to the book club yes i have a holistic question why are we letting darla saddam hussein this fucking book club why not start us up do we need do you know darla do we need darla involved in this my gut is to start a side chat and just say look we're dealing with a crazy person who's bringing tuna massages and dog sitting into a fucking book club where she's dictating what we're reading i'm done with it i'm starting a new one so you're doing it closer to everybody because we're not going to be under the thumb of this psychopath any longer so harriet we're starting our pitching with the idea of a coup but for every great government takeover imagine you're on an island there's a leader there it's really wild kind of you know animal

kingdom kind of stuff i'm back to the animal kingdom stuff i saw this great thing where this is seems like it's irrelevant but it really is relevant. Irrelevant. Go ahead. A crocodile ate a baby hippo. Tried to. Okay. Oh, it ate it. Oh. The hippos got together as 70 of them and they stomped the croc to death.

Letting everybody in the river know you fuck with one of our hippos you're going to get fucking hippoed so jay you should find darla put her head kind of on the pavement the part where this the sidewalk comes up curb stomp and go curb stomp but what i'm saying what i'm saying is going off of what garth pitched is if there's a coup well harriet are you the hippo who's starting it? Because you can't be a fucking coward while starting a coup,

because I'll tell you what'll happen. That fucking gator will rip you all apart. Am I on a line, Lisa? No, I think Jake's right. You're either going to be the baby hippo, or you're going to be the start of the mutiny hippo. But also, can you just DM someone else in the group and say, are you going to see if you'll have a friend?

I could, yes, I could. I've been nervous that nobody else is getting weirded out and they're all going to be like, no, she's completely normal. You're the weird one. So what is the social dynamic of the group and where do you fit in? Because earlier when you said that she was targeting you, can we get an example of something you pitched? Yes. So I had said, i just want to find uh when we were talking about where to meet i had said just want to find a mid location for everyone so everyone's traveling about the same distance what about this coffee shop or this coffee shop

and that was when she said nope i'm gonna host it okay but she she she did she say nope or was she like or i have marble countertops. We could come to my place. And then you don't have to deal with paying for coffee. My boyfriend's there. He massages. Did she say it with such a demanding presence or did she pitch it? I think she said like, I'd like to host it.

Oh, I'd like to host it is pretty assertive for a woman in a book club, I have to say. It's a lot. Is it? For me it is. Her energy is not great. I would never in my life say i'd like to blank anything especially like yeah why not too scared what if someone doesn't like me after i say it i'd have to be like if that was me in that in there and i'd go like maybe i could host but it's probably a stupid

fucking idea if you guys hate that let's not do it that's how i would i'm leaving the club do i do think it's very assertive to say i'd like to host because then it's like you're going to be the son of a bitch then if you say like no yeah that's interesting she is dominating but harriet have you suggested anything else in the group and look we just need a little honesty here i gotta know if there's any smoke to the fire that you're a bit of a weirdo too now we're on your team but i just gotta make sure if we're telling you to attack sometimes somebody grabs the reins of a situation yeah because there's too many harriets fair there's too many emails where you go like oh for fuck's sake or like were you in the facebook group going like we should read lord of the pigs lord of the pigs they're all like it's lord of the fives and

you're like it's one of the pigs let's read it lord of the pigs i want to i want to and what about this story i wrote it or if somebody pitches something else are you somebody goes like could we read this like is there anything that you've been embarrassed about by your behavior from darla's point of view no no i don't think so i pretty run of the mill like the only yeah i don't think so i've been pretty just go with the flow the only thing i said first off was before we split into the two groups they were getting really into the nitty-gritty of where everybody's going to meet up. And I just said, hey, let's split into groups and then

decide from there. And that was kind of the only real assertive thing I said. Was one of the coffee shops that you pitched Starbucks? That's a good question. You're safe. Because if it was, I'm with Darla. I'm not going to fucking ask.

The vibes are trash. I'm not going to look up there. There's also a middle ground between, now, not Starbucks. My house is where my boyfriend is, and he gives massages. You're not wrong. But when she's rich, you don't know. She could have glass walls. She could have glass walls.

She could have a condo with the most pristine carpet. It does sound like she's in a glass house. You could be sitting in the nicest chair you've ever sat in. That's true. You're not wrong that certain people, and this will happen if you're all going to watch a game, right? And somebody goes, we can go to this bar. Somebody goes can go to my house and you go and you go like you're rich oh yeah and they're like there's a reason why i offered you ordered a fucking rich 200 wings a

rich person is not bartering for a dog sitter fair they're not you're that's fair you're not good good colombo work okay so and then question about the dog center thing before we continue to pitch. Nobody responded to that? Nobody responded. At some point, like two days later, someone said, are you a massage therapist? And she said, no, I'm a holistic healer or something like that. Wait, hold on. I'm a what?

Holistic healer. Something like a holistic healer. And I got into the nitty gritty of that. What's the nitty gritty? She gets up in your holes in a ballistic way. I'll watch you. I go whole ballistic.

I go whole ballistic on your ass. I go where the tuna gets made. Yuck. That one actually made me feel sick about humanity. Isn't that the childhood rhyme? It's like milk, milk, lemonade Underneath the tuna gets made Round the corner is fudge made

Go a little further, there's the tuna shop Up inside, slopping around, that's where the tuna is at That's how the rhyme ends This one's actually making me feel barfy Quit teasing Fucking do it then Quit yarf edging I gotta say the addendum to the Quit teasing. Fucking do it then. Quit yarf edging.

So I've got to say the addendum to the round the corner fudge is made. There's three non-rhyming lines about the tuna shop. I love. I'm not feeling sick. Keep going a little further. You'll see at the corner. Take a left. Hey, bring it in.

Bring it in. This one's for the girls only. Tuna on my right. corner take a left yeah bring it in bring it in this one's for the girls only tuna am i right so harriet there's there's a there's a lot to chew on this one that's why we haven't got the pigeon so when somebody wrote back are you a massage therapist she said no but i'm in a holistic two days healer and then the hero is the person who after two days is like, fuck it, I'm okay. Hey, are you involved in this professionally? No. Because one of my notes, one of my pitches is going to be to start a group email where you write to her included, I don't want to watch your dog for free for a massage or who's the we?

I need to know who would be touching my body in order to watch your dog for free. No one's going to watch the dog. So what's the point in asking the question? I'll tell you what it is. I'll tell you what it is. You're forming your group of hippos because the first time... I wish you hadn't seen this video. I'll tell you. I'll send it to you. The first time

a fucking croc ate a baby hippie. You know what all the hippos do? What are you going to do? Look at hippos do what are you gonna do look at its teeth and then one of them goes like should we stomp back and they go you seen them those are dinosaurs and one of them went i think if we all got together we might win here and another one went no and then 50 of them slowly went you're forming forming the coup. If you do it as a group, you go, hey, Darla, quick question. Who's we in this massage? And she goes, my boyfriend, Craig.

And you're like, Craig's going to massage my naked body? No one said naked. What are you going to go to get a massage fully clothed? I do. You're not going to get in a tuna hole. I go in my jammies and I don't take them off. I say put the lotion on top of the jammies. I'm a

Christian woman. I'm not going to let someone get in my butt ground. I get bare naked in the lobby. I'm sitting naked next to other people going they're like who's next and I go eventually my fat ass is going in and I'm going to be on the table before you at it.

I slept here. Yeah. Okay, to your hip, I think, listen, we're dealing with a fucking book bully. Yes. Right? This person is taking control of the book club. What's the book, by the way?

Oh, it's called Freedom is a Constant Struggle by Angela Davis. The irony. Fitting. Freedom of the Constant Struggle? Yes. Title. But a very true title.

Here's my, I pitched the, listen, this is what I would pitch as well. Could someone join this group and Darla maybe not know they joined? You're talking about a fake email start? Hold on. Is that possible, Harriet? Jane Doe. Yeah, I think so, yeah yeah so this is what i would do i would send a message that just says something to the effect can i interrupt gareth go baby

because i think i know where you're going you might be right can we join the group chat i can you join the group chat you're talking about a possible jane does what gareth was pitching and that you were going to be the new fake voice. What I'm saying is send us the goddamn group chat right now. We will live write to Darla and the group as a mysterious new woman going, can we hear more about this weird massage? Even bigger. Every ad on you gave is perfect.

But this is just a person saying, hey, Darla, I'm going to be honest. I joined this book club to, like, read books. You're kind of taking the wheel in a direction that I don't like. I'm leaving the book club. And that way, you sort of send the effect. You're going away from the whole weirdness about the massage and the dog. I think that could be part of it. But I'm talking about an exit letter.

Interesting. It's like, Darla, what's going on? This is a book club. You're insisting we go to your place. You're asking if we can dog sit. You're offering up couples massages. You're not wrong. Bizarre.

Lisa, what do you think? I think we've missed a fundamental piece of information that we should have asked at the very beginning. Does anyone in this Facebook group know each other? What's the... Good question. Is it just like you found each other through the loveofbooks.com?

Yeah. No, I don't think anyone knows each other. It was formed through a queer Facebook group, through the love of books.com yeah no i don't think anyone knows each other it's like it was formed through like a like a queer like facebook group and then like we made the book club from that group so i don't i don't nobody knows one another so we could create harriet we could do this we could do the hippo stomp hey harriet it's a facebook we have to make a whole profile oh no but you said you're on an email chain too no no it's just the facebook group but i would love to make it let's do it. We could start it.

I mean, Kevin just rolled his eyes. I'll tell you what Kevin didn't do is sit up in his chair and start typing. Well, here's the problem with it. I couldn't lean farther back in this chair. So here's why I don't want to go down that road because then we got to accept being friends and blah, blah, blah. Okay. So here's what we need you to do, Harriet.

You got to fucking be our Jane Doe. Yeah, you got to make it. And here's what I think you to do, Harriet. You got to fucking be our Jane Doe. Yeah, you got to make it. And here's what I think you've got to do. Jane Doe was famous for communicating with the apes and translating that to people. And she wrote many books about it. She sure did. And that's what you can do here. That's what you can do here.

You can kind of translate for everybody. She spent time in the gorilla community. Yes. She became one of the gorillas, and you could do that too. Yep. So here's what, here's going to be at least my pitch going off of Garf's pitch. Harriet, you got guts. Nice.

I just need to know. Yeah. Are you an animal? I can, yeah. I can not start from there. Jake would like to represent you in Hollywood. Now I'm going to tell you this. I take 40%.

It's only because I deserve it. Jake would like to hippo pocket you. Here's what I'm going to say to you in Hollywood. Now I'm going to tell you this. I take 40%. It's only because I deserve it. Jake would like to hippo pocket you. Here's what I'm going to say to you and Lisa. Leave the breathing to follow. I'm going to get my girls together. Jake. Listen to me. I'm talking to you and Harriet.

I'm not talking to Harriet. She could hear you, you idiot. I got to take 40%. I understand. You're hear you, you idiot. I gotta take 40%. I understand. You're done. We're done. So Harriet, do you have fucking guts? Yeah. Alright, will you

open your Facebook right now? One second. Wonderful. We're gonna pen a response and you're gonna hit send. We are gonna create what she's We're going to pen a response, and you're going to hit send. As Harriet? Yes. We are going to create what she's going to write directly to Darla's weird ass, and we are going to break this group in half.

I'm scared. I am too, Jake. You know who should be scared? The alligator. The crocodile, Darla. Crocodile, right. Because this is actually getting scary, because no one knows each other, and you're going to someone's house now.

Yes. It could be so weird, and she's already proven that she's a bit weird anonymity of a fake she's a goofball she's could you imagine lisa for real if somebody said would you do me a big favor and watch my dog we will massage you for an hour in real life imagine how close of friends you'd have to be and then imagine it was a stranger it's insane actually i don't know if it's better to be massaged by someone you know very well or not at all it depends on the person okay okay weird it's never okay if it's like people you know then you're like they're trying to like make something happen here if it's strangers it's crazy yeah yeah harriet are we open yep we're good i'm gonna start interrupt me at any moment i'll start right now okay

dear darla oh come on are you typing yep that's so part of this thing is what we're gonna need after you send it we're gonna need a photo of proof that you sent it because i don't like doing these podcasts where we're just spinning our wheels. Okay, right now I'm writing it down rather than typing it. So you lied! Now you're turning me into Darla! We're going to my house for the book club. She likes to write. She's a book clubber.

Can you open up your computer? The speakerphone doesn't work. Oh, I got you because you do it on your phone. Am I the only one that's remembering the Little Rascals Dear Darla letter? Yes. Little Rascals. I don't remember.

What is it? I love this. It's literally Dear Darla, I hate your stinking guts. Listen, you say what you want to say and I'll find the letter. You make me sick. Yes, that's right. Kevin knows. So here's what I would recommend.

Dear Darla, I feel as if you have taken over this book club in ways that have taken away some of the fun for me. Am I out of line here? I'm being looked at like I'm a psycho. You're assuming fun has been had already. It's a good option. All that's happened is the freedom of the constant struggle has been cracked. Yes. And a location has been chosen. I don't know if they're really hooping it up. Okay.

How about this? Dear Darla. What the fuck is wrong? I know. How about this? Dear Darla. No. Dear Groot.

Dear Groot. Dear Groot? What does that have to do with it? Dear Groot. We should watch. I would like to meet at this coffee shop because, one, it's closer, and two, don't want to be massaged while being asked to watch a dog. If anybody wants to meet here, I'm flexible with timing.

May I suggest Tuesday at 8? If nobody's there, all good. Have fun being massaged by a stranger. Okay, alternative pitch. Dear Darla, I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You're scum between my toes.

Love, Alfalfa. It's also good. I have a third. Go. Just leave the fucking group and join the other side of the book club. Go south. Yeah, but you don't live on the south group and join the other side of the book club. Go south. Yeah, but you don't live on the south side, so that would be extra.

But 25 minutes away is going to be the same. Oh, that's true. Can you ask where the south side's meeting? I think they posted it, and I think it's out in the south suburbs. Okay, that's too far. Is it someone's house? Is it someone's house? No, it's at a library.

A library. That's charming. So here's another pitch. Go for the fun of going. It's going to be a great story. Show up. Figure out what's going on. Ask a lot of questions about the dog and the massage.

Know that Darla is a maniac, but this could be a story you have for a lifetime. Or, last one, fake profile it and do what you just said from a different account and then see if people show up for that coffee shop meeting and then you could show up there and if somebody else goes you're like i don't even know the girl who started this i just showed up because it was closer to my apartment where's shannon harriet what do you think you're going to do here i think that i might go okay soft out the vibe and then if it's just bad all around the first one i'm gonna say

we're not meeting there again let's meet at this coffee shop and if she doesn't want to yeah do a coup do the hippo move will you do something really fast where uh as a group thing could you just email who's the we in that massage It's a really weird thing to say we. It's crazy. You're adding a mysterious set of hands. It's so insane. And so what you're going to do is you're going to go, you're going to suss it out. Will you call us back in so we can hear what happened?

Yes, I will. In the meantime, could you really fast just write who's the we in the massage out of curiosity? Question for the group. If you're in a massage and your head's in the hole and your slimy little butts like slapped down on the table and your why slimy because you're already you're in oil you came with your own oil okay and you you you put your faces in the hole and then you you had seen the massage person they were like yeah you know lay down get comfortable whatever then you you got your face in and then they came in they said we are gonna get started now would you lift your head from the hole to see who's up

who's around yep you would oh yeah you really would i would if that was said i would be like what's going on no because wouldn't you assume that she's saying we like oh like the universal but then what if you thought you felt four hands i would i would look i'm also i'm a guy who looks around the room no you, you're not. When you get massaged, you peek your head out of the hole and you I take a moment. I don't. You hurt your own neck to do a whole crane around. I do on elbows up. No.

Do you want to make eye contact with the masseuse the whole time? I have to, yeah. No. Not the whole time, but at least a minute at the beginning. We got another caller in the way. Thank you for the call. Hey, Harriet, keep us posted. Okay, will do. Thank thank you harriet enjoy being 24 yep yeah good luck today's episode is sponsored by booking.com aka booking. That's right, Jake. Listen, as you know, I'm on the road currently in a hotel currently that I booked on Booking.com previously. And you told us that off air.

Nope. I don't want to get into that too much. I just want to say how great. No, go ahead. Well, that you said, it's pretty funny. So the stand-up places book most of your nights, but on the layover night, when you don't have the club booking it,

you needed to book your own space. And you said, I used booking.com, and it was so easy. And we said, well, this is the goddamn commercial, Garth. No, you also pointed out that I have a room with two beds because when I pay for it, Luke, who's my opener, he and I have a room with two beds because when I pay for it, Luke, who's my opener, he and I share a room

because, you know, you try to save money on the road, which is why I use Booking.com. And another thing that's great about Booking.com is this situation without the two beds that I booked on Booking.com

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Jake's my buddy. I don't like Gareth. Let's do it. You know, it's not that crazy to pitch like the food science thing because i met a hot girl at a party who was a food scientist really her job was to make like recipe for oreo like she was like i don't make cookies at home i make 50 000 cookies at once have you not seen the netflix show is it snacks or something is it snacks is it fucking snacks is that the one where they make a snack and you don't

know if it's like a little piece of furniture or it's a snack until you cut it open no is it cake but with furniture i'm bad with titles and names it's something where a bunch of food scientists make weird snacks it's not called is it snacks i hope it is called is it snacks oh maybe it's called it is snacks it is snacks drink them all snacks i have a question for you before you go what's your story out here you came from canada and you did second city yeah toronto yeah then what'd you do i did kids tv hosting up there too what show okay so canada's version of like nickelodeon is called ytv yes like youth television okay fun so i did the host like the interstitial hosting oh and so did you where were you at toronto did

you main stage it were you etc i was touring tourco and then my green card came through and i left to come to america so how so you did the ride you did all the classes you got tourco you were starting you were going to build up was the dream at that point to get main stage, either go SNL or go Chicago? Uh, at that point, like none of that was on my radar. I never ever thought that I would move to the States, but then I started seeing people who did main stage move to LA. So then I started putting in my paperwork and I was like on the road to main stage. But then when it came through, I was like, got to go, you got to go, you got to move within like six months of getting it or you lose it. Ah, and did you know you wanted to do this even as a kid? but i also used to be a drama teacher in edmonton alberta

you did yeah so that was kind of like what i thought i mean i knew i wanted to do this but that's not possible in edmonton so then i was like oh i'll be a drama teacher who did you watch as a kid that you were like that made you want to perform um sarah silverman like sarah silverman program and uh like snl and everything and all those like yeah yeah wacky ladies so then you went from there in edmonton you went to toronto you did the second city you get to torco you then get your thing and you move to los angeles yeah and who'd you know in la not a single damn person you did the same thing you didn't know anyone yeah so then you got out here you knew no one and what'd you go how'd you get from zero to something did you do groundlings i did groundlings on ucb and so you just started

taking classes immediately like it was my job yeah i did both tracks and then groundlings has like a big bottleneck before yeah you get like a year and a half break for like the writers thing yeah yeah and then so then i really started doing more like herald night and stuff at ucb and ask so ucb was what kind of launched you through. Which one went first? UCB, definitely. Interesting. Because Groundlings had the bottleneck. So then I just like doubled down at UCB.

And then where'd you get your agent? What was the thing? God, this guy's so needy. Where'd you get an agent? How do I get one? How do I get one? Are you SAG? Yeah.

What's Taft-Hartley? Yeah. I'm the other one. What's not SAG but the other one? That's what I am. It doesn't matter. ACTRA. matter actra actra the canadian i just pay that guy uh so what was the thing that got you broke you through in sag no how'd you get it because i did the same arc i came with so did garth we were at the improv olympic back when that used to exist so you guys came here together so you did have a friend no we met each other at the same improv theater.

Where? Improv Olympic. This was before UCB was here. This is closed down. I moved to LA the same week that IO closed. I saw one show there on like a Monday

and it was closed by Wednesday. A lot of people say there's that one kind of impact. When we moved here, I moved here in 2004. Garf, when did you get here? Probably right around then, probably 2004. UCB was not here yet. It was only New York. I had done it in New York moved here i moved here in 2004 garth when did you get here probably right around then probably

2004 uh ucb was not here yet it was only new york i had done it in new york back in like 2000 2001 but i it was io and groundlings in second city kind of but groundlings like you said was the one where you were like yeah but there's like that bottom but also io used to be the fun one because there was a bar you could smoke weed in the green room you could get your show put up if you gave the guy who run it weed yes you that was the party place you could kind of go there and get started no fun uh but nobody i did the main stage sketch show there and i was all excited i had like my head shots and they were like yep dude you're gonna get signed at the end i went to the person in the box office we had like 50 things none were taken where you're like oh no one's seeing this shit so what

was the thing that kind of got you started something i don't know if i've been started you got started for how'd you get naomi oh that was okay actually so i was doing mod which is the sketch night at ucb and herald team which is the long long form. And all the people with their reps got submitted for the SNL showcase. And then the AD of UCB got to submit two people who were unwrapped. And so they submitted me. And I went and I tested.

And in the process, my manager was watching in the crowd. Oh, wait. So that night was the test? No, it was I went. And then like two days later got a call saying like they're they want to fly you to new york i could not believe it i didn't have a rep i didn't have reps nothing no yeah you have to come up with all of the things

you were going to do in your audition in like two days how ready were you no because i already well i guess i just kind of threw together like a five minutes from all the sketch stuff that i had done i wouldn't say i was like super ready but that's why i was shocked yeah i just couldn't believe that shit's that's the unheard of story yeah how nervous were you so nervous yeah and the vibe in that room is crazy right well it's actually really devastating because i tested well twice but the first time i went there and then like hours before my test got a call because I had done. So now I have a fresh manager, right? Who had signed me just before I went to the actual test. Yes. And she called me and she was like, I'm signing the test deal.

And there's something has come up with a show that you did. Some sketch show that you did. Totally Unwrapped had been in L.A. for like not even a year. So, of course, I was doing all sorts of weird non-union stuff. Yeah. And this show that I had done, that was a sketch TV show. I did like a non-airing pilot presentation.

They owned the rights. And they like pulled the plug on my test. Holy shit. So then, so then yeah. And so what happened? Well, I cried so hard.

I burst a blood vessel in my eye and then I flew back. That's a character. That's a good character. And then thank you. And then I tested again the next year. That's fucking nuts. And then the next year was all new stuff. And then thank you. And then I tested again the next year. That's fucking nuts. And then the next year was all new stuff. And then was that environment crazy?

Was it like as sterile as we always hear about? I mean, the weight in the dressing room was hell. But I thought that the room itself was pretty warm. I felt like there was laughing in the room, which was nice. And in my dressing room, the TV was turned on to everybody else's thing. Could you turn it off? No, but it wasn't turned on, but I turned it on,

and I could see everybody else auditioning. Did you watch? Yes. Oh, that's crazy. Did you feel like that helped you? Yeah, because you know what? Here's the thing, and this is just my belief, okay?

We're all pretty bad. Like, I think if you're an adult person doing sketch comedy with wigs, you're bad. We're all pretty bad. Like, I think if you're, I think if you're an adult person doing sketch comedy with wigs, you're, you're bad. We're all bad. You know? Everyone's sad.

It's not, it's not, not embarrassing. It's the kind of the most humiliating thing you could do with your adult body. Right. So what, it just made me feel so comfortable.

It's like, we're all just, you know, you hit a level and there's like, probably a thousand people that are doing exactly the same kind of work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one's really that. I mean, maybe once in a blue moon, someone's, like, better than the other. It's just everyone has, like, opinions about somebody. It's a bit sad for everyone. Yeah, and have you watched, like, at Groundlings or UCB, the, like, showcase nights before tests where everybody's going and trying out their stuff? It's like, it all starts to just turn into mashed potatoes.

Like, everyone's, it's the same thing. Yeah, no, that's very true. So you got a sense of calm and then went in there and did a pretty good job. Yeah. Good for you. Did you do it? No, I did. Well, I didn't.

I was really into sketch and improv. And then I had a night where, I'm a money guy. I love money. Oh, do you? I love the business. I can't tell by your outfit. That's crazy. Thank you so much for coming.

I don't love spending it. I don't love spending it either but i love the game of it uh-huh my father was a car salesman my mother was a stained glass junk artist so like the mix of the two that is the craziest sentence ever that sounded like the the dr evil monologue for austin powers my mother was a prostitute named chloe my father was but she had like junk shops where it was all like she wouldn't let me negotiate with customers. She would like if. She still won't.

She won't. But if somebody came in and she wasn't there and literally would get like a piece of furniture we found in an alley and stripped it. I'm picturing Eartha Kitt

in Ernest Scared Stupid. Oh my God. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. But we weren't we were not allowed to negotiate. So it was like 200 bucks

and then there was incense and the incense was 15 and the person goes like 200 bucks would throw in the incense and if i at 15 if i went like you got a fucking deal my mom would go and joe pesci when you're little i've always been joe it's gonna make sense when i'm like 65 okay okay uh but i would get in trouble so in terms of like this game the business and the grind of it i think is like such an exciting part of it yeah and so this sketch and improv world once i started realizing like you got a seven-year deal you're not making money ever and like all the like that whole world that's not true you make like 4200 an episode on snl congratulations like actually pretty good.

You can start making more too if you're there for a while. But I started doing- I think if you're there for 25 years, you get $7,000. You become Lorne. But when I was doing UCB, I started doing the same character rather than doing a bunch of different characters because it was plain. Joe Pesci. Kind of.

I had a big mustache at the time. So every character, like Berg used to do food. I would always go out there and go like, what are you talking about? Well, you used to have the mustache and it really booked you gigs. I remember when you, I remember one of the first commercial I saw you in after we became friends was a Tampax commercial where it was like. They'll give everything to a straight white man. It's unbelievable.

Well, no, Jake was not feeling fresh, but Jake was the bad tampon showing up for the date. I was the before. You were a tampon? No, he was himself, but he was manifested as a tampon. To die happy and come back as a tampon. I need some shit. If I could have one dream, it would be to be a fucking tampon. Wait, that's like, remember the phone call between the Prince Charles and Camilla?

Oh, my God. They leaked a phone call between them. And he was like, I'd love to be your tampon. He literally said, if I came back in another life, I'd love to be a tampon or a maxi pad. Never been a regular person. Yes. Did you ever work with Sarah Silverman? Have you ever done anything with her?

I just did a show with her this week. Did you tell her? Was it a trip? I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell her. In your head, were you like, what the fuck is going on? I did catch myself looking at her in a way that was like, I could tell if someone else was watching me watch her, it would look insane.

So I was trying to play it cool and like break eye contact sometimes. Yeah. But it was difficult. Yeah. It's really strange. I just love her. I just did that with Bob Odenkirk. I was going to say Dave Cross.

Because Bob Odenkirk, he was my guy. Oh, really? Yeah. Mr. Show for me was everything. That was the show we all copied. And I did the sketch fest with him and naomi and we were walking back and i just did that thing where i just like stared at him and i'm like you're just that thing wow but question for you and then we'll let you go because i first found

you when you did that charlie and the chocolate factory bit oh yeah what was that you just decided like she did a bit on did you see this no? No. I had no idea who you were. I'm not. I don't do any of the comedy theaters anymore. So I've missed like all the generations coming up. She made a video where it was a first person thing where she was talking about people who visited her on set and how they got out of control and how rude it was. But you played it.

I do know what this is. So you played it. That is so fucking funny. I saw it. That's so weird. No one had told me about it. It was one what this is. So you played it. That is so fucking funny. I saw it. That's so weird. No one had told me about it. It was one of those things that popped into my algorithm. I was judging you so bad.

I'm sure you were. I thought you were just some actor. Uh-huh. And I was like, this is what's fucking wrong with the new generation. And you got emotional and your acting was really good, so I believed you. And I was dumb enough. I didn't put it together. And then it was about like the last 10 seconds. I'm like, this is a fucking bitch.

So subtly. I bet a lot of people felt like that. I bet there were like people. I had people text me and go like, oh, my God, just saw the video. Are you OK? Yeah. Sorry. But I thought that's what launched you.

So you had already tested. Things were already going for you. Yeah. saw the video are you okay yeah sorry but i thought that's what launched you so you were you had already tested things were already going for you yeah i shot that when i was shooting a show in toronto so that's where i got the idea because i was like what if i brought that is so funny i did not put that together and then i'm buddies with uh jake samansky from jury i love how is that for you jury doodoo is my dream like that's all i want to do is to just improvise forever you could tell i mean not as much little as's all i want to do is to just improvise forever you could tell i mean not as much little as i know i've seen the show and you can tell when you're doing your bit as that character how great you are at making all that shit up oh thank you it's my only thing i

like to do and we did like you know we did a little rehearsal beforehand but it was so much like you know keep it chill and keep don't make it too crazy or like funny or don't say anything like weird because it was so you know don't want to no one wants to be the one that like breaks the bit but then as soon as it started i was like but you were like pushing it a little bit you were pushing it a little bit what are you gonna do call cut and you can see his face he's going like jesus christ it's like i've been saying what she's saying but it's the same thing that why we're the willy wonka video works it's like all you simply need to get away with anything you want is two feet of blonde hair. And then people start tuning you out immediately.

You can say the stupidest shit you want. It's comedy camouflage. Yeah. So funny. Well, thanks for coming. You're really funny. Yeah, thanks so much, Alicia. Thanks for having me, freaks.

Thank you. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme

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