We're Here to Help - 65: Don’t Look It Up

Episode Date: March 28, 2024

Jake and Gareth talk to callers about messing up a sympathy card and wedding bets. Later, the guys follow up with the second caller from episode 19 "The T-Shirt in the Pool Club."Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] (Ad-Free Episodes, Bonus Calls and Behind the Scenes): Patreon.com/HereToHelpPodVIDEO: Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. We are back. We have another solo show. We're excited about this. Yep. Yeah, we, I mean, yeah, it is nice to, it's nice when we just solve, get back to the beginning, the roots. Yes. When you and I hung out, we talked about the idea.

Yeah. That was not that long ago. And here we are Hello, hey welcome to we're here to help America's number one podcast don't look it up Can we get your name your age and where you're calling? Yeah. Hi for sure Lauren 21 last thing the first last name in the history Let's cut your last name. You know, we're gonna we're gonna beat the last show liability

Laura by the way, guys listen I've been through it. I tried calling your number and it took me to an emergency line three times I don't a lot of people don't know that this is an emergency. Is that true Lauren? It's true I swear so what happened you went to an emergency line walk us through that I called them two times first time They said hello didn't sound like a familiar face. So I hung up Okay, try it again, and I said I'm looking for a podcast and they said this is it's an emergency Oh, yeah, I want to hear what she says. Go ahead. That's it. Yeah, they said this is a I don't know something emergency line And then what happened and then I emailed and I said help and then I tried again and it worked

Interested why to run you've been on there. So you decided to say your last name. Why it's an emergency Well, I feel like I'm being interrogated. Yeah, the bar is set high for this so interrogated. Yeah, the bar is set high for this. So, uh, Lauren, what is your age again and where are you calling from? Twenty one years old. OK, 21. I'm from St. Louis. St. Louis is hell of an arch. Yeah, it's Missouri, buddy. Well, there's also St. Louis. It's dog shit. We only talk about the one we like. St. Louis, Missouri.

Lauren, please tell me which one are you? Please be Missouri. What is which which other one exactly? Say attitude st. Louis abyspo I think there's one I knew there might be a second I think there might be a you drive through this country enough you're gonna see well There's a second she was Maine. Yeah sure Nobody look at the key to this show don't look it up.. Don't look at either way that part of your catchphrase

I'll take for this show. Thank you. It could just be don't look it up and I'll tell you Note don't look it up. I like that as a shirt. Uh-huh all of our advice all of our facts. Okay, don't look it up, Jake I like it being re yes. Yeah, we're here to help don't look it up. Don't look it up Lauren What's the problem? Yeah Lauren from the main st. Louis because there are two others don't look it up It's like 15 don't look there's a lot of them. What what can we do for you? What's going on? Alright, listen, so like I said, I'm 21. I like in turn an intern. I'm at a radio station. Yeah, I Interned at SNL not to brag. Don't look it up. Is that right up? I did though look it up look it up You did yeah when I'm doing that yeah, you're 21 so before Jake Johnson was Jake Johnson

Stop it before the Garth before Garth Garth still Garth Jake Jakey Garth are sadly No, it's not it's about you Lauren. You're the main St. Louis. We're not the interns. Intern at a radio station. You can say the call letters if you like. If not, keep going. Dude, I'll say them. Where does it? Well, if I know them. Wow. 90.7. 90.7? Playing the hits. 90.7. It doesn't matter. Just playing the hits. Drive time, traffic nine to 11. 90.7. Kirby in the peach tree in the morning, don't look it up.

Lauren, what the hell's happening? You're letting us derail everything. We're ruining the call. Okay, so it was like weekend to the job. It's a very good environment here. They're passing around, happy birthday cards are the only ones I've seen passed around. So I get this beautiful colorful card at my desk while I'm working and I am very deep in

work on my Adderall and so I write have a great day exclamation point happy birthday smiley face. Turns out I get a message later on the woman sent a photo of her crying thank you so much I would fight a bear for you all so I asked my editor what was that card that got passed around earlier. This woman's sister died. Oh, Lauren. Lauren. Lauren.

Happy. You wrote, a woman's sister died and you wrote, happy birthday. Have a great day. Smiley face. Just all these ones, condolences, Teresa. I'm so sorry. Have a great day. So Lauren, walk us through it. So sorry. Have a great day!

So Lauren, walk us through it. So you say have a great day. What happens after that? Well, so I don't know if you're familiar with Slack. It's like a messaging corporate app that everyone has to talk to each other on. What corporate are you fucking messaging with? Hey listen, I'm a gigger. You know me, I'm Lily Padden.

I'm from job to job. I'm in there. You're a man of mystery. You know I'm a Giger. You know me. I'm Lily Padden. I'm from job to job. I'm in there. You're a man of mystery. You know I'm a stranger. First of all, so are you. Agreed. And you know if you- I wish I was on Slack. Yeah, Jake's gonna download Slack. But Jake needs to- we could do one here. We're coworkers. This is as close as it gets.

Yeah, that's true. Okay, so on Slack- We could also create a website on Squarespace. Yeah, oh god, we love them. We could also get rid of all these unneeded ads on fucking rocket money Hey, well hold on a second Jake now. You're taking a bite of my pie hold on. I'm getting a call I should contact sock. There we go good job. All right. I'm sorry Lauren. Okay, so Alright, so keep going Slacking it up. So it's a photo of this woman

crying All right, so keep going. So you're slacking it up. So it's a photo of this woman crying. The message says, I would fight a bear for you all. Thank you so much. I've been crying all week, basically. Thank you. The woman worked on a different floor than me, and I haven't had any interactions with her. But it's just the fact that the card physically got passed around, and everyone else in the office

must have seen that message. It's really the energy Yeah, but her response was Her way of saying thank you after the passing thanks to everyone. I would fight a bear for you all yeah She feels so supported that she would go into the woods. I don't think you're in a bad zone, okay It's uh well you're so Lauren your problem is that you feel like people are like hey there you're a fucking funeral psycho Like you see that like really stupid like what? Is it intern so yeah? So I do too, so what is the what is the quite? It's an interesting setup

I wouldn't kill yourself too hard over this when she did respond with fight-a-bear But what is the question the question is should I ask her about it should I got on her? She's cool She's well listen. She has pink hair Cool, she might would fight by the way. I love that. She's cool. She has pink hair. You know, she's cool She's got pink hair. She's fighting bears. She's a different floor. She's cool So the question is what what should you do now? The question is should I talk to her? Should I clear my name? Do I need to clear my name?

What's my next step? Easy. I think I'm gonna lean towards what you're going with. So when you say, clear your name Lauren, what do you pitch and what would you do? I'm probably gonna go for a jokey pitch, you know. Let's hear it. Say, maybe at the next happy hour I'll say,

guys you know, I don't know if, you know that sympathy card that got passed around a couple weeks ago, I actually wrote happy birthday on it. Do you guys think I should go to a psychiatrist and you know, hopefully they'll laugh. Hold on, I don't hate it. I was saving you up to fail. I just forgot about the happy birthday.

Yeah. I mean, this sympathy card, it does add a layer of total disconnect yes that Lauren what else would you pitch happy birthday have a great day because one thing is you go at happy hour You're pitching to bring it up. What else are you thinking? What's what's cooking in between those ears of yours? Because I think you got golden between those ears Okay, thank you. that's great to hear. Don't look at it.

So it's a very, like there's cubicles all around me. I'm thinking the next time one's passed around, maybe I can say, oh here, I'll do this. Do you guys read the other messages that people write? You would write that in the note card. No, no, no, no. But hold on, that's a funny thing to write. Is anyone reading this?

Yeah, you're creating a thing where you're sending messages to your co-workers in the cow Lauren Yeah, I'm a little bit embarrassed about my last one for whoever's reading Lauren Still underwater from my last one What were you gonna say? What were you thinking? Next time it's faster and I'll say to the guy next to me, do you read what the other people say? The guy next to me is like 50. I just don't know if I'm approaching wrong.

Does he have pink hair? Is he cool? Go ahead, Gar. No, he's not even pink hair. So he's not cool. And leave him be. Jesus Christ. And he's so old.

What has he got? Brown? Yeah. Gray? Gross. I have a bit with my niece and nephew where every year for their birthdays, I buy a card from the wrong section. That's fun. So it'll be like, you know, like on your anniversary. And then I'll cross out and go happy birthday.

And then inside the card, I'll go there was a mix up. I don't know what happened. Anyway, happy birthday. So I've been doing that their whole lives. It might be funny for you I like your happy hour and you could pair that with now because of that you have a card bit which is whatever the occasion is you write the wrong thing in there and so if it's like Let's say it's like it is a congratulations in there. You could write so sorry for your loss, Lauren Yeah, you know agreed you could keep that bit going and I think we like to read this as a BW go always be wrong Yes, and that paired with your happy hour context fun could be interesting So right now Lauren you got bring it up at a happy hour

So everybody can playfully tease you. If you listen to this show, you know a big part of what we like to do comedically is mess with each other and our guests and the callers. So what, and the only way you can be somebody who messes with people is if you allow yourself to be the one who get messed with. You can't just give it and not take it.

So you're saying, Lauren, I'm gonna be the butt of the jokes on this one and I like it. I'm down. Okay, yeah, good. One of my favorite types of people and one of the things I like the most is when if you care about somebody, you know how to tease them, right? And so what you're saying is, hey guys, I screwed up. You guys can tease me. Now it will create an environment of fun. So you could do the one to Garf's ABW.

Always be wrong is also right. So what are you thinking, Lauren? What do you want to do here? Well, I am always up for creating an environment of fun, but I just am worried that I'm overstepping. I mean, I'm, I'm just a stupid little intern. I don't even think they want me to have a personality, but I just am worried that I'm overstepping. I mean, I'm just a stupid little intern. I don't even think they want me to have a personality, but I could lean in, you know? Oh, Lauren, we both know you don't believe that.

You even said that in a sing-songy way. Oh, no. You're like, oh, I'm just a stupid little intern with cool pink hair. I think the other thing, I think the other thing. What color is your hair, Lauren? I'm sorry. Brown. Get it pink.

Point brown. Get it pink. Get it pink. Be cool. What are we doing? Just so you know, personality is probably helpful, like to getting hired for if it's not this job, another job. I think it's OK to have a little running bit. Of course it is. I think it's OK. I don't think somebody's going to see that and be like, what an asshole.

Yeah. And if they aren't there, an asshole. And also their hair is probably brown. Yeah, those Lauren tears brown. Yeah, well, that's so Laura Changing it. That's part of the advice too. So here's here's where we're coming at You bring it up at the bar. You have a cocktail you let it rip. You see what happens You'll feel the vibe very if all of a sudden the vibe from the table is very clearly She's just a little intern then let it go. clearly, she's just a little intern, then let it go. When I was just a little intern at SNL, I didn't make any jokes. You wanna know why?

Nobody wanted them from me. I did have a moment, really quick, intern story. I used to wear a white t-shirt and like a mesh kinda hat like that. It was right around the era of Johnny Knoxville jackass started yep but I did not have cable okay and it was pre-internet so I didn't know who they were talking about I didn't know what Jackass was I was bringing coffee and like scripts to the great Tina Fey Jimmy Fallon it was his

first year of hosting the Weekend Update. Wow. And they said like, hey, cute little intern boy with no pink hair, you nerd with brown hair, bring this to that room. So I was like Tina Fey, Jimmy Fallon, and a few writers, and I was very excited, and my thought was I was gonna walk in and they were gonna go like, hey you, I can tell you're gonna be a big star in this game.

Wanna do bits with us and write? And I was gonna be like, who me? That's my dream. And I was thinking like, it could happen. I get my bits ready, right? Be ready. I'm gonna go in the big room with the big players. And I was nervous, but geeking myself up

and I walked in and Fallon goes, hey, jackass! And they all laughed. And I thought he meant like, hey, dumbass, you're a jackass. And I went like, it threw me so bad that I went like, ugh, walked in, put the things down left, kept it to myself for a while, didn't even tell my buddies who I was interns with,

like real good, like actual friends. Real pain. Didn't tell anybody. Real pain. Then later, and I'm talking weeks later, maybe even months, I saw something about jackass and I was like, jackass? And I saw something about Jackass and I was like, Jackass? And I looked at how that was dressed and I was like,

oh, I look just like him. Yeah. And I was like, oh, good bit. So now you're like, I've got to come back. Yeah. I was like, remember when I used to enter? Yeah, but I won't jump into a pool of eels. Yes. What? So I'm going for the the the bring it up have fun at the bar Always be wrong or pink hair. Those are our three. What are you gonna do Lauren? Well, I'm gonna hopefully go for bar first, but my concern here is what if the next card that's passed on is sympathy I'm gonna be really careful and thoughtful but I

Mean, what if it's what if her what if her her brother died you can't do sympathy bit That's the off limits to this which is well you can't like for if there's another sympathy Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. Happy birthday. Have a great. I agree. Don't double down on the next Your bit can be done for the revelry. Yeah, you know what? I'm a hundred percent going in to bring it up at the bar around friendly people and let them tease you a little bit I agree. Lauren, own it. We appreciate you and as always playing the hits on 90.7 in St. Louis, Missouri. Don't look it up in the mornings. We're willing to fight a bear for you. Next up, Leonard Sheinard. Thank you, Lord. Thank you so much. Bye. Good to hear you guys. Have a good one.

Good one. Bye. This episode is brought to you by ZockDoc. ZockDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online Garf what does that mean to you? Well it means a lot because as you know my mother was in town for a while she had a hip replacement and it was crazy it was a crazy situation and there were so many times so many things like

complications were popping up and there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly Somewhere close you use that doc Yeah, you would use Zoc doc because it's just so much harder if you're just like, you know Like using search engines to try to find someone and then you call do they take your insurance? The problem is that has it's all there for all the problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up. Yes. And what I like, I actually use ZocDoc since we started doing it.

I do like that it keeps it really clean and you can put all your information in. Yeah. Did you use ZocDoc for your knee? I did use ZocDoc for my knee, which I am gonna get an MRI on. Oh, you are? But we don't think it's a tear, that's the good news.

But I am gonna get an MRI. The doctor report back, it's just an old man's knee. It's actually pretty much what it sounds like. The doctor said to me about my head. I'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like, yeah, you're just the I've had a doctor who looked at my body and then when they go, well, you're mid 40s. Yeah. What a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on Zoc Doc. But but again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you, treat basically, and again, you can get an appointment quickly. You can also get it same day.

That's absolutely right, Jake, if you're lucky. That's right, Gil Buchanan, one's a two, 68, follow me. Don't worry about it. That's right, I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother. You never, literally never left. Wherever the best time in the world, go to ZocDdoc.com slash HTH and download the zockdoc app for

free did you hear how much that cost free free that's right and then find and book a top-rated doctor today that's z o c d o c dot com slash HTH zockdoc.com slash HTH Today's episode is sponsored by Booking.com, aka Booking. Yeah. That's right, Jake. Uh, listen, as you know, I'm on the road currently in a hotel currently that I booked on booking.com previously. And you told us that I don't fair. Nope.

I don't want to get into that too much. I just want to say how great but no, go ahead. I mean, well, that you said is pretty funny. So the stand up places book most of your nights, but on the layover night when you don't have the club book in it, you needed to book your own space. And you said, I used booking.com and it was so easy. We said, well, this is the goddamn commercial. No, you also pointed out that I have a room with two beds because when I pay for it, Luke, who's my opener, he and I share a room because, you know,

you try to save money on the road, which is why I use Booking.com. And another thing that's great about Booking.com is this situation without the two beds that I booked on Booking.com becomes a lot more Three Stooges-esque if it's one bed. So I get the two beds, they make it easy on you, you know what you're going to get when you show up, you're very familiar. It doesn't matter if you're looking to get when you show up, you're very familiar. It doesn't matter if you're looking for a remote mountain cabin or a relaxing beach

resort or a hotel that you share with a guy you met in college. There's a multitude of choices you can get at booking.com. I agree. And I was just told when my kid's spring break is and my wife said, we have nothing planned if you want to plan something. And I thought, oh, I didn't realize this is going to be on the old Jake stir and I'm going to go to booking.com and in your head when you figure out a weird four days to keep everybody busy so the kids don't drive me nuts.

So booking dot. Yeah, save me. There we go. So this spring, check out booking.com for your ideal hotel or vacation home, no matter where you go in the US. Book whoever you want to be on booking.com. Booking.com, booking.yeah. Hello.

Hey, how you doing? Good, how are you? I'm doing great. What's your first name, please? You're on the show, by the way, Jake. My name's Hannah. You said Hannah? Hi.

Hi, Hannah. My name way Jake. I'm in Canada. I am you said Hannah Hi, hi Hannah. My name is Jake Hey, hey, hey, Hannah, where do you live not like you're addressing? Maybe just a city and state I'm living in New York. The city? The city. You know, I used to live in New York City.

My mother lived up in Troy, right near Albany. You ever been? Yeah, I've got some family in Albany. I don't know if I've been to Troy. Is that what you said? Yeah, Troy's right. It's a neighbor to it. It's the disgusting neighbor to Albany.

I feel like this is going well. You want to take over, Garrett? You know, Hannah, it's called the Big Apple because of all the great apples. Can we get your age, roughly? I'm 27. 27. You're just a kid. In New York City, 27.

Come on. Are you living the Carrie Bradshaw dream? Yeah. Are you ever spinning in Times Square alone with shopping bags in your hands? Okay. What is your problem today? So, I'm getting married in June. Congratulations. And I found this app

I found this app that is kind of like a sports betting app but for First things that go on in the wedding. Oh, this is fun. Oh, wow. Let's give a boy. Hold on. Let's give a plug What is that plug because I want to use that app. It's called betting on the wedding Oh my god, is that the funniest idea ever? Okay? I know I just thought this time like an Instagram real a couple weeks ago, and I can't stop thinking about how cool I say this I used to work weddings. I was a wait I was a caterer at weddings, so I've worked over 300 weddings crazy. Yeah, they're all Wow, I was on a show called the real wedding crash as a tank. Yeah, well you all. Oh, wow. I was on a show called The Real Wedding Crash as a tank. Yeah. Well, you also beat me for that job.

Well, you didn't miss anything while I was literally. I think career wise, it worked out a little better for you. I think we're both doing great. I'm not making a joke. No, I know. Are you unhappy with where you're not very happy? Very lucky. You're very successful. You know, stop it. And I would I wouldn't wear that vest, but you're very successful.

All right, Hannah. So keep going. Where's the problem? Everything sounds great Yeah, no, I just need help coming up with some ideas for things that wedding And let me just tell you something and I don't want to put too big of a spotlight on my man here rule book but this considering Jake's experience in weddings and Jake has a what I would call a savant skill as far as coming up with bets. The amount of times that Jake

will text me bets or ideas for things that I'm like, how did his head even get here? So I think we're the right people to call. just so Hannah to be clear like that to be clear to us and the audience And correct me when I'm wrong but there's an app called betting on weddings and You can bet on betting on the wedding betting on the wedding and you could bet on things that are going to happen And you're wondering for your wedding. Mm-hmm. What can you bet on or what do you expect to have happen or what are good, clear bets? Just so I'm a hundred percent sure what we're doing. Okay. And so you're thinking of betting on your own wedding?

I want to have things that the guests can bet on. So you, you set up the, Oh fun. You set up what you think the things will be in the app for the guests, correct? Correct now I'm like over under. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So the first thing the over under for sure Absolutely is the bride's made her speech. She cries. Yeah, okay So who is gonna make your speech? I think two sisters that are like co So who is going to make your speech?

I said two sisters that are like co-matrons. So the sisters speech when they get up there within the first minute and a half, the first bet is do one of your sisters cries or gets choked up in their speech of the 300 weddings I worked. I would say 80 percent of the speeches for the brides at one point they said and when I met Sarah, I just love you, I love you girl and then the woman, the bride has to go like off mic, I love you too. Right? It's always the same. There's always the aww sentiment in the air.

So the first one is crying during her speech. The second one is a medium funny speech from the guy that the audience acts as if it's really funny. Because it's the whole idea of like, you know, but it's this whole world right now of like, on Instagram it's like, she thinks he's cheating, what are the boys doing? It's not funny stuff. It's like, this idea of boys. What are the boys doing? It's not funny stuff

It's like the this idea of boys will be boys and they're such legends the guy gets up there right his fucking confidence of being funny is Shocking compared to the stuff that comes out of his mouth and his response is as if Chappelle's making that yeah that speech So a medium funny speech from him that gets a laugh within 30 seconds. And that laugh is bigger than anything any female has done for the whole day. I love it. I think great. I've got a, I'm going to run you through a litany of ones that I just wrote down.

Okay. Okay. How about let's set an over under on your vow time. Vows, I would guess, what would you say vows are approximately with your experience? I would guess they're about 45 seconds to a minute. Well, I would say mostly the females is a little bit longer. I would say the female vows are anywhere between a minute and a half. So over under for hers would be a minute and a half. So why? Over, under, for hers would be a minute and a half. Why don't we set yours at 90 seconds,

and then I think you could also add onto that, maybe a parlay, that you get tiered up. Yeah, or. That you or the groom well up during the vows. The bride keeps it more together than the groom in this moment. Great, great. But what I will say say during your vows, the over under could be if there's an

audible, aw, from the audience, because the female vows, when they say something of as soft as you are my person, some aunt, mom, sister at a really pedestrian line goes, uh, or when you even at? 27 go I Didn't know if I would ever find anyone. I I think for that one. You'll find one later I think for that one 68 make sure to be clear that it is like parents of the bride and groom do an audible awe,

because otherwise people could bet on that and then influence it by awing themselves. Also, how about the kiss? When it's time to kiss the bride, does the mouth open at all? I think a bet on is there any mouth opening or is it more of just a peck? Also, does someone dip someone, something like that?

Or it's also, during that kiss, this is an if. If it goes longer than two seconds, do people cheer? Yes, good. Because people love to, when that kiss gets a little bit heated, to go like, yeah, woo! Or that could be a two. Does a man over 200 pounds shout? Yeah Let's make it let's make it cleaner a man over 185. All right. All right a man over a buck 85 shouts Yeah, or woo during the kiss when?

The couple does their first dance. Is it one of those really dorky planned ones? Oh, yeah, where they go like please welcome to the stage for the first time Mr. And Mrs. Blah blah blah and you guys come out to like the Bulls music. Yeah, right It's like boom really what the fuck then on that first song where it starts off as like, you know Joe Cocker's like you are so beautiful then the record the record scratchers. And he goes like, jump around. And you two geeks are doing a choreographed jump around. What's so great about this too, Hannah, is that you're in charge of whether or not

these things happen. So the fact that you're setting these things up, you can kind of Easter egg it a little bit. Like, that should totally be one. But is there a twist during the first dance? But I would do I Would see if this app does it but some of them rather than creating over-unders because you are controlling it And so are the people is I wonder if the app doesn't mean and it's based off Betty like in certain casinos

Oh, right how many people bet on one thing changes the odd. Yeah, right Then yeah, that's that's for the app. Okay. Yeah, some more, which we're definitely going to be working with after this call. I'll wear a shirt right now. I've already got one on under the vest. Betting on the wedding? How about betting on the anything? Yes. Oh, God. It really is. Our wheels are turning.

How about does the rose, does the rose girl or the rose child, do they make it all the way down without assistance from an adult? Great child, do they make it all the way down without assistance from an adult? Great. A lot of times it seems like they get out there and all the preparation has sort of faded. You can make it all so simple. Does the flower girl, it's not rose girl.

Stop. Does the flower. Single. I've never been married. Does the flower girl get distracted? Yes. Is there a, yes. Or is it singular get distracted? Yes. Is there a yes? Or is it singularly focused?

Now the other one, who's marrying you? Is it a priest? Is it a rabbi? Is it a random? I was going to say her fiance, you idiot. It's a what? Cut that. A priest.

Yeah. A priest. Does the priest get a laugh? Oh good. Because some of them squeeze laughs and some don't. Does the priest get a laugh? Oh, good. Because some of them squeeze laughs and some don't. Does the priest get a laugh is important. Now, here's another one for the food. Is it buffet style or is it served?

Oh, are you asking me? Yeah, he's not asking me. So it's the cater, the people you sit down at the table and it comes to you. Correct. Chicken or fish? Yes. Yes. So what are your what are going to be your options? Do you know? Is it is it comes to you, correct? Chicken or fish. Yes, yes, correct. So what are gonna be your options, do you know? Is it gonna be one thing or are you gonna give people an option? I think we're giving people options ahead.

So then the odds are what is the most popular. Oh, great. Because we used to do buffet style and part of the fun of working there because we would do two a night was I'll find a worker and we would do over-unders on what tray was emptied first. So if they had steak and I had chicken, I would go like, with this gross kind of brown sauce I think you're going to win.

And they would go, steak's not as healthy. And then you would watch and one tray would empty and people would come back. That's great. So betting on what is the hit of dinner. Yep. The most served dish. Yes. Yep's great. Betting on what is the hit of dinner? Yep. The most served dish. Yes. Yep. Great. Love that. During the ceremony, does a kid cry?

It does a kid like scream and start having a little conniption, something like that. Another one. Yeah. Someone blacks out. Someone gets so drunk that they black out. I'm going to go even earlier on that, because how could you tell? Well, someone is far? Someone is embarrassingly intoxicated, so let's go you can I would say yes to embarrassingly intoxicated, but I'm gonna even go before that I'm gonna go on the dance floor Before or after midnight you set a time

Does one of the guys take off his tie and put it around his head like a headband? Gee, it really is. Because there's always the legend who unbuttoned their shirt too far and then does that. And that is like the crazy guy in your group of friends. Like, oh my God, would you look at Chad literally dancing with my grandma? The right. It's great. And so will that happen?

And if so, how soon? Because that has a lot to do with how much Chad drinks. Two, another thing on the dance floor is will a woman wear a man's sports jacket who is not her boyfriend? Here's why I say it. Ooh. Because that's the beginning of part of these weddings There's the moment and I've seen 300 of them and if it's the animal kingdom, which let's be honest We're always watching each other like it's a fucking chimp tribe

Is I would go? Now all the singles are looking to fuck The marriage are gone. they're slowing down. The couples who have a kid are like, oh my god, this is the first time we've had a date. They're slow dancing, it's annoying everybody. Then you've got the older people start to fade. Oh, does grandma, does one of the grandparents

dance and everybody laughs? Because there's a moment when grandma or grandpa dances to Drake and everybody cracks up like it's amazing. It's not amazing. It happens at 80% of weddings. Okay, but then there's a moment where things start to fade and the singles aka the vampires We've come out to suck some blood. I've been there and one of the moves. It's time for cleanup. It's time for cleanup for both genders Yes, and one of the moves that the women will throw out to say, I'm looking, is they will put a man's sports jacket on on the dance floor after dancing.

And even if it's not that guy she wants, she's letting people know, I'm okay to wear your button down tomorrow morning when I get my morning coffee. May as well be a varsity letter jacket. Exactly right. So one of that is will a woman wear a man's sports jacket who she is not with post-dancing while she gets a drink or like smokes a cigarette outside to that one? How about members of the bridal and groom party or some version of that hookup? Yes. So I'm going to say this.

We've given you a lot. Oh, wait, let me run you through a couple. Yeah hookup. Yes. So I'm going to say this. OK. We've given you a lot. Oh, wait. Let me run you through a couple more. OK. Yeah. OK. Yeah.

Who catches the bouquet? Yes. Will at the cake cutting there be a face smush? Will someone smush cake into the other one's face? Great. And can't even read that one. Got real excited. Will somebody show up in like a new vest because we're on YouTube now, but also a podcast so that question

Okay, so Hannah That last one doesn't make that was actually more for this and that would be a hundred percent once Gareth sees Our style the episode got 20,000 views so then he went to JC Penney and got a whole new outfit clothes Style of the episode got 20,000 views so then he went to JC Penney and got a whole new outfit clothes It's so cold that would be your other goals. We literally had one YouTube video that does well the next day Gary, what do you think of those? I had a what do you think of those ideas? So if one of them address like the monopoly man everybody We're gonna make a little claim if one of our YouTube videos gets to 50,000 which eventually it will it's all summer clothes

But if one the first one that gets to it the next episode while we record Gareth will do this entire day in a full Suit yeah, or I'll wear that outfit. That'll be the only outfit. I wear that'll be like my podcast Okay, So now Hannah We've given you a lot of options We can send this recording to you so you can look back at it What do you where do you think you're at? Have we helped are you gonna use any of these out of hearing these? Which ones do you think that you liked? Yeah, I'm loving these. I love the crying kid idea I've got a lot of needs the nephews. I think that's a good one

That's a homerun The sports jacket not one I would have thought of that's a good one sports jacket. Okay. Oh Yeah, I think they were all really good. There are a lot of good ones in there. Okay, what about a hookup? We're just gonna go over have some big easy ones just hook up from the bridal groom party. You like something like that? Yeah. Do you like them are married to each other? It's like my my siblings and and in laws. OK, and that's got to be strangers hook up. So, yeah, I agree. You know, yeah, I agree.

Yeah, and it won't happen. So do you do you want the element? Let's go over the big basics. So we get big wins wins who catches the bouquet Yeah, that's a great one that one matters right so who catches it. Let's lock that one in I think Gareth Does the flower girl get distracted is a lot of fun because everybody can be watching this little kid and that little kid will Not know about this Betty nap and when she starts to turn to see like her dad by the way people go like no I'm there. I bet and I sit at the aisle and I start jingling keys.

I think that's a really fun one. And I think the do one of the sisters cry is a fun one. Yeah. Yeah. I also think I also think which does better. Chicken fish. Yeah. Something like that. OK, yeah, that's fine, Hannah Have we helped here today? Oh, you've helped a lot. Well, then goddamn the calls over We're throwing rice

Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science-backed language learning app that actually works, which I find to be very important. Science-backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor. They come over. They're like asking for snacks, they're being annoying, or even waste hours

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But so Babel's great. Now, listen, listen, everybody. Should we bring him in? Right. One quick pause. So we bring in the close studies from Yale. This is interesting. Michigan State University and others prove that babble is better So one study found that using babble for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college So if that's true, which Yale's no joke. It's just putting schooling in a different light Yes, you spend 15 hours

Let's say you didn't go to college and you always feel like well, I. Let's say you didn't go to college and you always feel like, well, I don't know, I didn't go to college. 15 hours, you just did a semester. Yeah. That's wild. Yes, that is. Yes.

That's a wild study. So speaking of language, should we bring in the closer or should I do it? Closer. All right, hold on, let's get him. Kevin? Doors open. All right.

Oh, you meant Gil. I meant Kevin. I thought Doors open. All right. Oh, you meant Gil. I meant Kevin. I thought Kevin was gonna do it. No, I thought we were talking about the closer. We were. He parked in front of all our cars, so might as well. We can't leave. Well, what's the problem?

Go ahead. So that old jalopy is Gil's? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. Nah, keep it running. It's bad for something. A lot of smoke. I'm pausing a serious accent.

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Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. This next follow up is from episode 19, titled The T-Shirt in the Pool Club. It is the second caller in that episode and it's from October 19th, 2023. So if you'd like to check that out for listening to this follow up, go for it. Thank you. Hi. Hi. Hi, welcome back. We're here to help for probably your second call. We know it's a follow-up, but that's all we know. We don't know who you are or what you called about the first time. So why don't you do that and then you can update us. Okay. My name is Jamie and I have the husband that has the interesting morning routine of dressing naked.

We think about you. We know who you are. We've talked about you in like interviews on other shows. And we've also, we've used this as an example a lot on calls. And it's how I wake up. Yes. So, so Jamie, you started living with your husband and when you did, he does a morning routine where he takes off all his clothes and he stretches by the bed and you're seeing things

that you don't wanna see. Yes. Yes, exactly. And your question was, what do I do now? We talked about maybe putting a little barrier up. This was the beginning, I think, of fire with fire. I don't think we pitched a divorce, which was you stretch in front of him.

Yep, show him. You show him what he's showing you. And so walk us through what you did and where you're at and what our final advice was and all the good stuff. Okay. Well, it kind of backfired. So I was going to, I took the advice. I was going to throw underwear at him. And yeah, that's right.

I'm gonna clue them in. But I ended up letting him listen to the episode and hoped that he'd be like, oh man, that is weird. But it actually turned out that he was like, these guys think it's fine and they think your dad's weird because he wears a T-shirt in the pool. No. No.

I forgot about dad. Dad, listen. I forgot about dad in the pool. And he's like, you come from a family of weirdos. I'm the normal one. It didn't help. Yes. By the way, when he listens to this to your husband, what's up, man?

You're not wrong. You're not wrong. Whatever I say to Jamie, I was a lie. I was with you. Keep stretching that weird butt in front of her. Let them balls hang. We need a butt t-shirt. All right.

So keep going, Jamie. OK. Well, I was going to say, I actually have my husband here with me. Oh my lord. Hello. To defend himself. Please, hop on. But before I pass it over, I wanted to make sure you guys are still on my side, right?

I am definitely on your side, yes. I got to tell you, Jamie, I go which way the wind blows. I am on your side. I am on your face. I'm on your face I'm on your side. Okay. Okay. I'm passing over his name is Jordan. Here you go Hey, what's up fellas? What's up Jordan first fucking grads So man, I feel like I am you know, I'm a working man I got a eight to five I feel like I am, you know, I'm a working man. I got an eight to five. Uh, I, I learned a long time ago, you know, in order for me to, to, to get a workout in to run or to lift, whatever it is,

I got to do it in the morning. When I get home from work, I'm not going to want to do it. And so I feel like I'm being efficient. You know what I mean? After I get done with my workout, I take off my clothes, go shower. And as I'm getting out, brushing my teeth, doing my thing, you know, I'm, I'm being efficient. I'm taking advantage brushing my teeth doing my thing you know I'm being efficient I'm taking advantage of my time two birds with one stone and I feel like if Elon Musk would do something like this he's a genius you know but for me to do it you know being efficient I feel like I'm weird I'm crazy what's going on right I just don't get it I feel like if anything she should

be thanking me right like I'm rocking a dad bod right now and I'm, you know, a dad bod is, you know, one half step away. Are you even on your side? Keep going, Jordan. You're on fire. You're on fire. So she should be thanking you first direction. Keep going. Yeah, I feel like I'm like, I'm one half step away from t-shirt at a pole, right? And so like, I'm trying to do my job. You're fighting for your fucking sex appeal for her. Exactly. You're trying, you're trying to keep it high and tight for her. Exactly.

You're stretching those fucking hammies so that she can go, damn. And you can go, my body is your toy, my dear. Oh, God. Exactly. Put it back in the box. This pyramid is for you to climb. No, no, no. Wrong.

Jordan, let me ask you this, Jordan, because look, I fully support the idea that you're trying to be efficient. And you got to do it in the morning. I agree with that. Understandable. What's the resistance to putting a little bit of fabric just over the area? The zone. For Jordan, he's got a point.

Why not wear underpants? We're talking about eight seconds. Yeah, Garrett, you're totally right. Jordan, all, everything you said about Elon Musk, the efficiency, all true. Throw some underpants on no But man like so I'm in this routine. I'm 34 years old. I've been doing this for however long I like my body is trained. I can do it without thinking get out of the shower Brush start brushing my teeth and instantly start doing it. I could easily I could walk

You know all the other side of the bedroom to the closet do that But man, that's just gonna throw off my entire day And by the way, I'm with you again now the officials Jake Jake you are running your own wind sprints over this He's 34 years old his body's for her he has time I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna zone. I'm gonna if Elon Musk did it. He's a genius. He's putting chips and monkey heads Um, I this is this is what I would say Why not a two pitches and then a rationale? Okay, let's keep the towel on after the shower

If you're worried about wasting this 20 seconds that it takes to walk across a room And I feel like you probably don't live in Buckingham Palace. It's probably easy to go find where your clothes are. Or why not keep the towel on? Or why not bring a pair of boxers in the bathroom and have them folded somewhere where you could just put them on after and you can do your stretches. And here's why. Number one, marriage about compromise. Someone has shot off a flare in this household and has asked for a little bit of help.

And number two, for your own benefit, you want to preserve the magic. You want her to get excited when she sees your sloan. You want her to be excited when the clothes come off. There's something about, I'm not saying that you should feel inhibited, but there's something to the idea of we're showing, we're only showing the car after a washing and a waxing in a good way. And that makes her want to drive the automobile a little more. Gareth is saying you're a hot, sexy hunk, put on a little burlesque show in the morning with this. Am I wrong, Gareth? Is that okay?

No, I think, look, we've got the dad bod. We know everyone loves it, but let's not show the dad schlong. Let's keep that under wraps a little bit. Jordan, what's our rebuttal to what Garrett says? Because whatever you say, I'm probably going to jump on the train. 100%. How are we fighting this one? I mean, I think like, that's not a bad idea to take the underwear and, you know, into

the, into the bathroom on the front end. But so like you dry yourself off with the towel, right? But like how dry are you completely? You know what I mean? I don't know if like, like there's still a little bit of dampness that needs some time. How about this? Here's what I'm going to pick. You get out of the shower, you dry yourself with the towel, which again, I, when we're talking about routines, that's a big part of it. You're forgetting about efficiency, Garrett. No, I'm not. I'm going to continue.

Brush your teeth, right? Then when your teeth are brushed, you should have dried off. Put on those underwear. I think you're forgetting he works from eight to five and he's been doing this for a long time. Don't try to out blue collar me. Just why not have a pair of underpants that are for our post shower, our stretch, and then after you've got those on, we can then move into the day pair.

So we're talking about a cumulant 45 second addition of time, which I think for your lovely wife whom you care about, who you love to get naked with, so that she enjoys this all a little bit more. 45 seconds of time with an underwear swap, nothing like that. I'm not asking you to be Lady Gaga. You just got a pair of underwear for the stretchin' and then you got a pair of underwear for the work day, which we respect.

We respect our working class. Jordan, our rebuttal please, sir. Oh gosh, I mean that's just taking away, that's adding, so 45 seconds you multiply that by seven. Jordan, Jordan, Jordan. Wait, hold on Gareth, let us do our rebuttal. taking a weightless adding so 45 seconds you multiply that by seven right Jordan Jordan wait hold on Gareth let us do our rebuttal i mean the amount of time that he's spending on this call we could have had 15 underwear ads Jordan what's our rebuttal to that you're talking about 45 seconds times 30 years you've just there's

a life that's been lost right Right. Exactly. Stop it. It's just like, we're just, we're just throwing time down the drain. Exactly. If we're adding some of those things. Exactly. I don't know. I think you love your wife too much to waste all that time.

Exactly. That's insane. Because that's time that could be spent holding each other's hands, having a bottle of white wine together on some picnic, but instead you're wasting it putting g on some picnic, but instead she's not And he's seen the inside of your sphincter Jordan for the love of God I think we're just talking about there are certain spots that are only meant for the doctors and we're to your your you can't be walking around

You know Peeling backstage curtains to a show that she wants to watch when she's ready to watch it. I think, again, and I'm gonna say it for the last time, I think the move here, you could even make it cutesy and you could get a pair of specialty underwear made that on the back said, my stretch pants, darlin', and you just put those on for the post shower stretch while you're drying, while things, again, I think you're a grown man. I could even send you a video on how to dry yourself, but that'll be on OnlyFans. But I just think- Patreon.

Add that little time. Add that little time and it preserves the med. You're talking about a lifelong marriage. You want to get as much out of this show as you possibly can. So I think this a little goes a long way here. So Jordan. What do you think about a pair of? funny underwear for her a message on the butt something like this is for you or This is all for you or whatever it is. What do you think about a funny pair of underpants? You're putting on to Heighten the romance and the gamemanship of the work you're doing, you know, for her,

you're putting, you're getting your body ready for her. I get it. The reason I do my crunches, I do my squats. You're welcome. You're welcome, sweetheart. Yes. That way she's reminded every day of the sacrifice that I'm making. I can get behind that.

And Jordan, listen, you believe in what you're saying. So we fully support the rationale. And I think you're right. This should buy you a little something. So this is a negotiating chip. You're welcome on the back of a pair of tidy whiteys. It's great. That you get like a 10 pack of them on Etsy.

Yes. That every day you put them on and she's watching you bend over. Yes. But it says, you're welcome. Yes. Jordan, I gotta say, is a pretty big win for you. And then the and says, you're welcome. Yes. Is a Jordan, I gotta say is a pretty big win for you. And then the next time that you're debating, whether you want

burgers or Thai food, you get to tip, you know, you're tipping over the edge for Thai food because of your welcomes. Now, is this something you're going to do Jordan? I think we can get behind that one. I think so. Really? Okay, good. Yeah.

There we go. Uh, can you, okay. Can you throw Jamie back on the phone? Yeah, I will Thanks, buddy. Thank you Jordan All right, I think I can get behind that too. So you guys you're both pretty happy with this solution Yes, because he'll be covered Jamie. It's your job. It's your job now to get him the underpants with a thing on it Yes, he's a man of efficiency now to get him the underpants with the thing on it. Yes.

He's a man of efficiency. Yeah, he doesn't have time for this. He can't be going on Etsy. You got time and money for this. Jamie, he works from eight to five, and then he's got a stretch and he can barely fucking dry himself. If Elon Musk's wife wanted him in a pair of underpants, she's buying them. You are married to Yoga Warren Buffett.

Get in line. So I think the compromise is this. Jordan will wear the underpants, but you got to bring them to him and you have to have them in the bathroom. So put a little stack in the bathroom. So when he does it, Jamie. Jamie, listen with great-

It's not a problem for Jordan. Well, yes. Jamie, only the underpants. Jamie, this is your. Do you understand your marriage to Joe Biden to his body? He's doing it for you. Good Lord. He is creating a sexual fuck. Jamie, when you hear this call back, you will Jim God damn it.

Jake has taken some really bizarre turns on it. And and honestly, I'm just going to tell you, we got to the best place possible considering how much Jake was blowing in the wind on this call. So I know we came to a good end. We did. And I think an end is the only place we could come to when we're talking about covering up the ass. But I will say, I think that this is this is as good as it gets and we give free advice that is free

But I think on this one the price tag will be we want a picture of him in these stretching with the face blurred out Or or just the underpants or just the underpants? And then one with them one one of them without sorry We'll blur that out. Can you send us a photo of the underpants with what you'd be your welcome? You can even put your name on it too. You're welcome, Jamie, however you guys wanna decide. And this is our first time asking for someone

to send us a picture of their underpants. Not the first time you've ever asked that. No, not the first time I've asked. The first time I'm on air. Yeah, Gareth is like, that's the 850th time I've asked for a woman to send me a photo of the underpants. And this'll be the first time I get the air. Yeah, Gareth is like, that's the 850th time I've asked for a woman to send me a photo of the underpants of the weird- And this will be the first time I get the yes.

And it's of her husband. It's of her husband. Jamie and Jordan, we appreciate your call. Yeah, good luck. Keep us posted. Thanks, guys. Thank you. OK.

OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson.

And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakeo and our video editor is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at oliverraleigh.com. That's oliverr-a-l-l-i.com. The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike,

D-I-K-E, and if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to garethrentals.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.