We're Here to Help - 69: Pudgy & The Brit Mouth

Episode Date: April 11, 2024

Jake and Gareth chat with callers about getting some stuff back from an ex and befriending a crow. Later, the guys talk to the second caller from episode 31 “Crap Rat.” Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] (Ad-Free Episodes, Bonus Calls and Behind the Scenes): Patreon.com/HereToHelpPodVIDEO: Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you are enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. All right, I'm going to promote this. So go ahead, go ahead. All right, Jake. Here we are. Garrett, you're going to promote something. GarethRandles.com. Yeah, well, that's great. That's great.

Well, I want to just say quickly, The Dollop, my other podcast, is 10 years old, which is we're still learning to walk, but The Dollop is 10 years old, which is we're we're still learning to walk, but the dollop is 10 years old and we're doing a 10th anniversary show April 27th at the Palace in Los Angeles. And you can go to dolloppodcast.com for tickets that event. I know Jake, you'll want to come to that for sure. Yeah, I've made it come. Yeah, I maybe love watching Gareth talk for an hour and a half as his partner goes like, this is a lot of Gareth. Can you imagine that? You know what would be a problem? Dave and I being in a room alone together.

And that would be a bad, that would be bad. I would be like, all right, we should get these boys away from each other. Now I would go, Hey man, I get it brother. And then we'll bring it Evan man. You know, oh no, that would be horrendous. A partner intervention for me. That's a funny sketch because we've all had comedy partners and writing partners, and we all drive each other insane. If you had every person I've ever written a script with in a room, that would be my nightmare.

Anybody I've ever partnered with together, they'd be like, he's tough when we get notes. He's tough when we get notes. When I gutted you by calling you Moe, you really took me down to my knees when you said I make everything about myself. Not only as a like a psyche, like a psychological problem, but also as like a comedy trope. Well, I mean, it's I wished we had like a the most perfect for me, by the way. I mean, it just got me.

So but if we had somebody hurt equivalent, it doesn't. It just feels so good. but if we had somebody who was equivalent, it doesn't. It just feels so good. But if we had somebody who had such a mo reaction, we had somebody who comedically in like the 50s and 60s always made it about them in their long stories. The way we had Robert and Barbara, who were perfect for us. Yes. Mo's perfect for you. You've nailed it. Yes. Thank you. If we had Mo and you know, it's not but like Mo and Carrot Top. Right. Just again, let's not over lead into this.

But that's what I said. It's not. Well, we were talking earlier that you drive a van to stand up shows on our Patreon. We were just talking on our Patreon. That's true. We were talking on our Patreon. Look at us, the Patreon guys. Yeah. But we were talking about how if you're just traveling around, why do you need a van? And I was saying maybe you're bringing a lot of props to shows. And you said you don't. I don't. Yeah.

But I thought you would be great with props. Okay. Anyway, listen, we want to thank everybody for tuning in. Kevin, do you disagree that if Gareth leaned in, because you're doing a lot of crowd work now, or is that just for social media? That's, I mean, I, you know, about 30% of the show is crowd work, depending on that. But that, what's happening with that is because you don't want your actual jokes on social media.

Yeah, because you're working on the hour, so that just gives you stuff to clip. But what you could do for social media is prop work. You could like lift up a clock and then like do it. Even prom joke about like walk me through this joke. I don't know, but something like a big clock and then, you know, I could like pretend to hump a clock and go, time's a real fucker. Yes, exactly.

You. But here's what I think you would be actually good at. Uh huh. Here is you can't have any written jokes with the props and Luke surprises you with props So every show for 10 minutes you call propped to comedy you got you call it Luke's box And you open up Luke's box and just Make jokes No, I'll just go with a very simple. No Yeah I think you guys could you see it in the way that in the way that you try to get a friend to drink like a mayonnaise drink with like ketchup in it at a restaurant.

I think it's a good idea. And I think that would be fun. Okay, no, not doing that. Not happening. And it's been really good to get because just because prop comedy is considered hacky. Or because you deep down don't think you would be funny doing prop comedy. I like what I do more than I would like doing. You can't add an extra 10 minutes in. No, I'm not. How about your, your propo? Yeah. Hey, let me, I would love to do props.

Let me tell you this, sweetheart. I, you know, it doesn't work. You know, everything, you know, straight on it. No, Krakow. You do 10 minutes, Garrett. You're going to know straight on it. No, Krakow you do 10 minutes Garrett You're gonna be at Madison Square Garden in six months. Thank you. I'm a continue at the thickles over at Wichita All right, you want to go to Madison Square Garden again to be very clear. I never got to Wichita So I just for the story without further ado Hello hi there

Welcome. Hi. Hey, welcome to we're here to help America's number one podcast. Don't look it up cut it out Can we get your you know with Jake Johnson Gareth Reynolds Brian new girl? Can we get your your name? Your age roughly and where you're calling from exactly. Oh roughly roughly exactly. Okay. Um, my name is Isabelle. I'm 26. I'm calling from the greater Los Angeles area. Great. What does that mean? Um, do you want me to tell you where I live?

Yeah, roughly. What's your, when you say LA, they're McDonald's close. Well, not in my city, but where do you live? Culver city? Well, part of Tony, no much further than that. That's why I said greater. I live in like Pomona area. Okay Okay, so It's okay. This isn't about geography, but you're not in Los Angeles What what can we help you with today is well so a month ago?

My boyfriend of seven ish months broke up with me. Oh, shit. It was. Yeah, it was. I mean, sad and sucked in all the normal ways that breakups are awful. But besides that, it was like pretty fine. There was no fight or anything. We just broke up at the end of this conversation.

But hold on, Isabel. What did he say. He just wanted somebody who had more Of the same interest that he had for like a long-term relationship. Okay, that's fair. Fair one. Yeah, I agree. Okay, so Sounds like it's for the best. Oh totally for the best. Okay. Yeah, I'm glad it happened when it did The problem is that at the end of the relationship you are at the end of the conversation He was like so let's give each other some space. We will connect in two-ish weeks to have any getting off our chest that we need to

and give each other our belongings back. I was like, okay. Jesus Christ. Pretty grown up. I don't think I've ever broken up this well, if I'm being totally honest with you. Hey, let's give each other in two weeks, we'll have a great conversation.

We'll exchange things. I'm a total asshole. That's great. You're so much better off without this fat, hairy loser around you. This, let's give each other in two weeks. We'll have a great conversation. We'll exchange things. I'm a total asshole. And you're so much better off without this like fat hairy loser around you. This is how I did it. I'm sorry, I'm a mess. You can keep all the DVDs. This is how I did it.

Hello. Ha ha ha ha. All right, so keep going. OK. Well, that's the problem. So it didn't turn out that way. These two weeks have come and gone. I haven't heard from him.

I do feel like the onus is on him to reach out just because he's the one who broke up with me and be like, yeah, be like a little pathetic if I was the one to reach out. But that hasn't happened. And the real problem is that I just, I need my things back. And I don't know how to do that in like a somewhat dignified way Okay, uh, what things I think this all sounds fair. Yeah, by the way, what can we call him isabella? You want to give him his real name or a fake name? Let's call him erin

erin's prick, okay, so What things did you leave at erin's? He has a protest sign that I made. He has my vibrator. Hold on. You made a protest sign? Yes. On cardboard? Yes, but it's a nice one.

I get it. That's OK. It's like a vision board. OK, so a protest sign, a vibrator. You said a vibrator? Some shrooms that he bought for my birthday that we were planning to do together those are gone So protests I can meet you and I got a protest on vibrator and By the way if we're talking about a scene where you're exiting jail and the things that are getting returned to you are these three

Things your character is so beautifully defined already. I totally agree. A protest sign. I love the character. A protest sign of vibrator and shrooms. Fantastic. You're already a character the audience is with. So, and his three things would be what? Yeah. We hate him. That's the thing. What did he leave at your house? I don't have good things from him. So it's not like great bartering material. So I have like a couple books of his books, how to be a jerk off. What books one of the books is about like, just like a memoir from this Mexican author. Another one is

about like, not in a religious way, but it's like a historical way not in a weird way Come on. Give us some meat. What can we poke some holes in here anything about fat 40 year old guys? Yeah, fat hack you grease ball loser times have changed fat boy get out of town Going a podcast Chubby podcast, Chubby. Hey, Chubby Boy, why don't you start a podcast with your friend at Edgum? Dude, most of them from your closet. You'd be a little bit bad about the drive.

It is better in person, but I'm a little bit mad. All right, I'm sorry. So you have some books about Jesus. A Mexican man. Not an unlikable guy so far. What else do we have? A bowl and some silverware. Bowl, oh, Jesus.

OK, so not much. So he can pretty much get everything he wants in a shopping mall. So far what else do we have a bowl and some silverware? Oh Jesus, okay So not much so he can pretty much get everything he wants in a shopping. No, he doesn't need his stuff back So your question is basically how do you approach this or get your things back? Logistically because he kind of pitched a thing that he's not following through on and you kind of feel like your stuff back Yeah, I yeah. I don't feel like I'm asking for a lot. You're not. You're not. It's your stuff. What do you got?

I mean, to me, I feel a little straightforward-ish about this. Which would be just contact them? I would text them and just be like, you know my address, can you leave the stuff I want in a box? I'll leave your stuff out front. I mean, it's... I think to you it feels humbling, but it's really just to get your stuff back. You don't...

The thing, the fact that he pitched like this follow-up breakdown conversation and didn't follow through, whatever, you don't need that. I mean, whatever, it's over, right? But you want your shrooms, you want your vibrator, you want your protest sign, just let him know you want that stuff back. Hey, Isabella, can we, can we help you get it back? Ooh, Jake, this is why Jake's- I would love that. Isabella, can I just tell you why Jake's the best?

Did you hear what I pitched? Put it in the box up front. It made sense though. But what you're pitching, how do we get the show involved? I think it's good. He's got the producer's mind. That's why I think when people see Self-Reliance, they're gonna be like, wow, this guy really does,

this is what he does. This guy really can't land a plane or a film. Let's do it. All right, so let's talk guy really can't land a plane or a film. Let's do it All right, so let's talk about that podcast It just took one big screening to realize I'm better on the radio, okay, so here's what my thought is What we could maybe do to help We could maybe start a clip right now where Gareth and I are talking to the same camera,

probably two, which I'm assuming is a nice two shot, and we could talk directly to Aaron, then you could email him this clip without any context. I like this. No subject line, no written anything, you just send it to him. Or even just the subject as follow up. Do you think and then what we're going to need from you is about is notes if you don't like it. Here's what I don't want to have happen. This is not what the show

is. You go, yeah, thank you. That's a lot of fun. And then go never when I send that to them. Because I got to tell you, we only want to do it if you're going to do this. I absolutely want to. I think having it be like a joke will make me feel better about that. Because otherwise like dad. Yeah. So then before we start, what is it that you want in this video in terms of what would be the most helpful obviously we need to ask for the stuff We can address him as erin we could call you isabelle And we can keep it short But is there anything else in there that would make this easier for you when you sent it?

So you would have a little less embarrassment. Oh, that's kind. Um It's a goddamn problem, okay, wait first keep going is well. I apologize Jake's been doing great, but he's having a bit of a downward spot It's not called pudgy losing a tooth Do you know tooth? Oh, we got a new show right now G Brett mouth Pudgy and Britmo Our new and Brit mouth will solve it. No, Pudgy and the Britmouth. Pudgy and the Britmouth.

By the way, let's talk to my friend. I'm like, alright, what you got in? If this was pre-podcast and we were doing a morning radio show, which is essentially what this is, those would be our names and we'd be doing a morning zoo. Yes, yes. And you definitely are leading it and I'm just going like, yeah, I was actually last night at the Rams game.

Oh, don't think I like that very much, honestly, lost a number of tooth. I gotta tell you Isabel, we love the voices. So here's where we're at. Don't mind us, pardon me, can we have another spot of information? He does a thousand of them. So here's what we're gonna do.

I don't like the scene of this, precisely. And I love every one. I always say he's the Robin Williams at a morning radio show. Hey come on, what are you talking about old friend? Let's take that! Okay, Isabelle, so here's where we're at, sweetheart. Time to fall, Arki!

You got punchy in the brit coming at you on 89.5! Alright, thanks a lot for joining us! Hey, fuck off, man, where's my cocaine? Out there, you! Oh, I'm the star of this! Where's my vibrator? And then those guys are such ego-makers. Yeah, yeah.

They're always fighting. Yes. And then they come back. Oh, great bacon, great story. Unbelievable, wouldn't it? So, Isabelle, we're going to start this soon. Could you give us a little bit of direction? Sure.

Is there any way that I can give you our real names? Yes, give us the real names and we'll bleep them out. No, we can't bleep them out. Well, and when we air this. Oh, do you want the real names bleeped out? When you air it? Yeah. Can you do that? Yes. Okay.

Okay. So what we're gonna do is we're gonna do a take and then we want your honest direction, okay? And we're gonna do this until you're happy and it might be the first one, it might be the second one, okay? Gotta be one of the two. But, and we are gonna keep this to under a minute

So Kevin, can you help us? I got a timer right here. Okay, great Okay, thank you Kevin. Yep. Thanks Kevin. Yeah. Thanks Kevin. I got a show. Okay, Kevin's got all his teeth. Look at him Braggart and Three you want me to start? Yeah two one How you doing? This is Jake Johnson G Gareth Reynolds, and we're on a podcast called We're Here to Help. And we need to send this to you from our friend because when you guys broke up seven months ago, you know, recently you were together seven months. That doesn't matter. Keep going.

Cut. When did you guys break up? We broke up last month. We were together for seven Reset all right, so I have to one. Oh, so he's only not called. It's only been two x-ray And we're in the weird night, but we're doing it. She doesn't do it. It's okay fans. All right here We go does change the premise back to one does not it still holds okay in three two one Hey, how you doing? I'm Jake Johnson. I'm Gareth Reynolds, and we're sending you this message from Because after you guys split up she left some things at your apartment Garf. What are those things? Well, she just wants to get back her protest sign her vibrator and her mushrooms now

I pitched that there's a really good chance those mushrooms are gone And if they are they are but we like some we would well if you could replace them would be great But we would love if you could get her back the vibrator and the sign and ideally the shrooms And she's gonna give you back the couple books and whatever the hell else you have the silverware in the ball You'll get your bowl back so you can eat. So what do you say? Let's end this in a cool way Let's figure out a drop you guys don't have to see each other It's not dramatic dramatic. No, it's tender this happens, but we just want to get her stuff back. Are we good? Please ten seconds. Maybe plug the podcast. Also, if you like podcasts, it's called we're here to help

It's a call and advice show. So yeah, you know, we're on yeah, wherever you listen to podcasts. Perfect. Great So, what do you think? I loved it. I do have a couple notes. Okay, okay Always okay. So this is that I got him to start watching a new girl with me We didn't get very far. So he definitely knows Your character What season did he stop at just so we know was it also hold on was it the Brian season or no? We've done this bit so many times. We don't need Kevin in the background to go the Brian bits you do Even if I cut it out every time

Did he make it to season so we're gonna do the Brian Did he see the Brian season as they call okay, so keep going so keep going Okay, yeah, you can maybe hype up Brian a lot so he feels like he should go back and finish watching. Great idea, great idea. That's a great idea. And then if you want to, I have, what, okay, the amount of shrooms that he said he was gonna give to me

is specifically three and a half grams. So if you wanna mention that. Sure, okay, great. Back to one in three, two, one. Hey, how you doing? We're here from the show. We're here to help and We're making this message on behalf of Yeah, that's Jake Johnson. You might know him from the new girl. I'm Brian

I was the security guard in season 7 also of new girl But we're not here to talk about that All we want to talk about is how you kind of said that you wanted to give back the stuff when you guys broke Up and we just want to follow up on that and that stuff is what she needs is the protest sign the vibrator and three and a half grams of shrooms, so however you get them to her and so Let's get this wrapped up soon. My friend if You see this differently Then you can call us too. But right now we are talking to and saying those three things she wants and she'll give

you the books about Jesus and the ball, the silverware, all that shit goes back to you. No problem. So let's just do the exchange as soon as we can. Thank you so much, my man. We appreciate you. Let us know if this is okay. I don't mean to seem like an enforcer. I play a security guard.

What do you think? That was perfect. Thank you so much. I think security guard What do you think? That was perfect. Thank you so much. I mean I work there we go and then If he follows up with you with any weirdness Just tell me send him to us send him the Nick and Brian. Does that sound fair? Yes, absolutely. So in the email if he comes back and there's any tone that you don't like Yeah, send him the response is

Kevin what's the show email helpful pot at gmail helpful pot at gmail and say take your grievances there. Okay Let us know if you get your stuff back and it's a happy ending all right got it. Okay. I appreciate you guys Thanks, Isabelle. All right, cut it out Thank you. This episode is obviously brought to you by Kleenex. Jake, Jake, ultra soft tissues, okay? It helps tackle your allergy symptoms. So if you have symptoms for allergies,

this is the way to go. You wanna know what I'm gonna tell you why I like Kleenex? Why? Because Kleenex is such a successful company that I view a soft little piece of paper that you use. Yeah. I call it Kleenex. That's what a brand wants. A brand wants this. And I'm not kidding. If you rub this, feel that.

You weird cave person. But there's quality. Garf, Garf, this, feel that. You weird cave person. But have you, but there's quality. Garf, Garf, this is not how people use Kleenex. No, but I'm doing- You human animal boy. No, I'm doing my Southern attorney. Let me quickly cross examine if I may. By the way, this is the new bit.

Just one more, this is for your Colombo bit. Yeah. Just one more thing, ma'am. Oh my, you know what, Kleenex, thank you. I will always have a box. We'll always have one here. And when, two ideas, two bits. Okay.

If a pitch is hard, we use it, or if the other guy's bit is getting sweaty, you just go like this. There you go. It's going to be horrible. Listen, Kleenex Ultrasoft tissues are hypoallergenic and allergist approved. So you can attack watery eyes, battle runny noses without worrying about irritating your skin. We love Kleenex. Obviously, we use Kleenex. We're going to be using Kleenex more on the show. Oh, it's actually very soft.

Whether they are, the gentleman likes it or not. So for this allergy season, grab Kleenex and face allergies head on. We'll be glad you did. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. That's right, Jake.

Look, we love Squarespace. We've used Squarespace. I use Squarespace for everything. Every website. Our show also did. We built one for the party, Jake. Look, we love Squarespace. We've used Squarespace. Obviously. I use Squarespace for everything. Every website. Our show also did. We built one for the party boys. Wigs and suits. That's right.

That's right. We lifted, Kaitlin and Kevin. Kevin, how long did it take to make that website? Super fast. Kaitlin knocked it out in like a half hour. Yes. She posted about it. She made it really fast and it's a great website.

She said it was super easy Yes, and Squarespace is it's extremely user friendly. So Squarespace has it like we said, it's a great place to build your website It's very easy But there's also a great place to sell content sell exclusive content on your site by adding a paywall sell memberships Files to your customers that they can download PDFs music. It's a great place to upload your video collection, organize your video library, showcase your content on a beautiful video page. You can sell your video library by adding a paywall to your content. There's tons of stuff, but listen, you know who we bring in the closer. So listen, do me a favor. Go to Squarespace.com slash Gill sent me to start your website or use any

of these features today. You can get a free trial and when you're ready to launch, go to www.squarespace.com slash Gill sent me. That's www.squarespace.com slash Gill sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Now go for it everybody. It's Gill V. Cannon. Hello?

Hi, can we, first of all, welcome to the show. Hi. Thank you so much. Yeah, we're happy you're here. I'm happy to be here. So why don't you just start and get into it. We're not gonna do a traditional setup. We're gonna do something new.

The floor is yours. Tell us what you want, say what you want. You're the boss, we're your helpers, we're your ones and twos, we're your Gilly Beans. That's right, welcome. Well, first off, I'm a big fan of the dollops, Garrett, so I haven't heard a ton of love for the dollop on here, so wanted to give you a little love.

Okay, thank you. So this is what happens when you don't lead the call. Hey, I'm on the dollop too, I'm gonna do Garrett's bit about New Girl. Remember when I was on it? Did't lead the call. Hey, I'm on the dollop too. I'm gonna do Garret's bit about New Girl. Remember when I was on it? Did you see my episode? Jake, you were on the pastimes. Jake, you know what?

I was on the dollop. No, you're on the pastimes. It's different. I was on it. Did you see Jake the security guard? You know what you were? You were Jake the guy who didn't know how to record a podcast when you did that.

Is that true? Yes. Considering where you are now with your you did that. Is that true? Yes. Considering where you are now with your home set up. I don't even remember. I think you ended up recording it on your phone is what I believe. I was better with the pandemic one. You were better with pandemic. Absolutely.

But this isn't about me being on the dollop, which I was pastimes. God, he makes everything about himself. It's just like, you know what I mean? Can we just get it already fun guy? This is a fungus fun guys Alright, I have a cute vest Can't we give you a little love Jake my husband and I think you in the minx is your aesthetic So 70s porn producer that is your aesthetic. Thank you. And as Gareth would say I have a mustache I

Have bell bottom. Thank you. And then as Gareth would say I have a mustache. I Have bell bottom sure to thank you. Can you please take the you know what? What's your name? I'll never do that again. Hi, can we please get your name, please? Yep, Rachel. I'm 33 and I'm just gonna say the Midwest Midwest Okay, and I was obviously joking we appreciate that intro Yeah, so you Rachel 33 from the great Midwest with the Garf man I can both agree with hmm. We both love them. I love the Midwest spent 13 hours in Chicago the other day Thanks, American Airlines You like that story check out part one two and three on patreon Rachel Rachel. What's your problem?

So let me shotgun this real quick just bottom line it and then well I thought you were gonna drink a beer really fast, which I was gonna say you really We know it's okay before I do this. Let me shotgun too quick. Oh Milwaukee And then let me rip this cigarette really fast. Hold on. I'm gonna rip a dart Yeah, and then I wanna play cricket and I rip a dart yeah and then I want to play cricket and I just got all my 20s. I'm going to rip a dart, play critic, throw some bar dice, shotgun two beers, have some bar olives then we can start. All right Rachel so shotgun your own Milwaukee and take over. Yes so I need to help with a birthday gift for my husband so his birthday is next month

and the context is we had a pretty tough last year. So 2023, just a few different things made it really rough. And so I'm looking for like, some ideas that are like kind of a big gesture that says like, thanks for hanging in there with me. And this year is going to be better and all of that. Fuck, I'm scared to ask about what happened. I know like our show. It would be good to give us as much context. this year's gonna be better and all of that. Fuck, I'm scared to ask about what happened because it doesn't feel like our show,

but I feel like we gotta know. It would be good to give us as much context as you're comfortable with for the gift. That you put too much deodorant on and then it turned you blue or something, stupid. Well, not quite. So it's gonna take a turn, it's gonna take a dip, and then we're gonna come back.

We're gonna climb out, Rachel, we're gonna climb out. Yep, I we had to put down our dog and he was old to be fair but still rough yeah and rough we had a really stressful I sold my house and then moved not too far away but it was just not a good experience for that and then I got laid off from my job. Okay, so Was it your dog or both of yours? It was my dog. Yeah, so you had a really bad last year and he yeah I suppose that's true. Okay, you feel like he really hung in there with you through that so you want to kind of really I like This and what's his name or what should we call him? I'm gonna call him mark. Okay, so mark stuck with you

We like I mean we're married, but yeah Guess what 50% of people don't know that's true. Yeah, true our parents and so he's over fun guys Stop it since I've known him has wanted to make friends with a crow Excuse me Hold on, Rachel. We had a setup that was making sense, and now there's a turn. Hold on.

A turn that, might I add, I'm in love with. Yeah. Yeah, so not like one crow, he doesn't have like a crush on one crow, as far as I know. Oh, so he's playing the field. He is playing the field. So he works in medicine and works nights,

and so when he's done with his shift in the morning, there is a murder of crows. Nice. Outside his office. What a term. The best. Yeah. It's been a few years since, I don't know, we were watching something, listening to something and I was like, oh yeah, crows are super smart. Like I'm not a bird person, but I do know that about crows. Yes. And they remember faces. Crows are shockingly smart shockingly smart Yeah, I'm Lee great memories if someone wrongs a crow crows will attack the power for they'll get revenge They will shit as well as if you court a crow and it recognizes you as a friend. It will come back to you legitimately, I have a crow in my backyard that I have a

Minor relationship with. The crows are, that's amazing. That's my dream. It started because its baby fell, and my wife and I couldn't find it, but we just heard the crow, and it ended up another animal ate it. And so we at first had a bad relationship with the crow,

and then it's been around, and now the crow is just, it's like a, we have outdoor cats and The crow is like one of the outdoor pets we have that's the best So I guess you might be the expert on that. Yeah, do you hear Rachel react? Yeah, Rachel's like this is it. Yeah, so your husband wants a relationship with a crow. Yeah And I guess Kevin started me a place with that. So your husband wants a relationship with a crow. Yeah. And I guess Kevin, so start me with that.

So this sounds insane. Yeah, it's going to be like a hangover. I bet you're wondering how Jake asked that question of why? Well, there's a little back story. Rachel had a tough year. Let's go to her. She likes the dollop and mix. So I'm like 75% with him. I want this to be like a work friend and not like a bro, a crow bro you bring home.

We also have indoor outdoor cats. Don't brush past the weirdest thing you've ever, we've ever heard. The idea that you're like, look, we don't want to over commit to the crow. What do you think? A bro, they're going to watch Packer games together? Oh my God. Hey, this crow's going to shotgun a beer real quick. I wanna over commit to the crow pot. What do you think, a bro, either they're gonna watch Packer games together? Oh my God, hey, this crow's gonna shotgun a beer real quick. What do you think, you're gonna come home

and the crow's gonna be wearing like a Milwaukee Bucks jersey? Hey, dinner almost ready, Rach? At most, Rachel. It's gonna crow in the backyard a little bit. Can we throw a tombstone piece in the oven, Rach? It's not gonna be like an old fraternity, buddy. Exactly, those are my questions. Okay, so- Whispering the mark. I've been right. It's not gonna be like an old eternity, buddy Bring the marks, so here's what he's got a lot of

We can help you Rachel. It's just a goddamn crow. Yeah, it's not gonna be You're not gonna feel threatened and it's not gonna so I'm dating a crow and married to a mark. I Didn't know if I'd be like beholden to like go to all of their funerals and like, no, I don't know how all of these. You know, we're. Crow law is very different to ours, Rachel. And so, Rachel, just so we can get back to planet Earth on this one. Yeah. What's the crazy question here?

So the question is either apparently you have experience with this so the idea was like maybe something like symbolic of that that says like It's a weird thing. I think that you're trying to do but like I love you and I support you Okay, or like I said since you do seem to have some experience what are legitimate? Inroads with this crow and like I checked cameo and there are no nerds on Cameo that know crow stuff, probably. Wait, you texted Cameo? Have you tried CameoCrow?

Wait, you texted Cameo? Yeah. Okay. What is the Cameo part? Can we get a sound bite of her saying, okay, this is actually for real? And when Garrett does a pun, can you play Rachel's? Okay. Yes. Can you actually try to, I was like, just a sound you play Rachel's Yes, can you actually do it? Oh, yes, just a sound effect whatever we got

But you just hear from another call the only people who get this will be the jelly beans or the ones in Tuesday the six Day, and bombings, but you just hear it Okay I'm used to gutting Jake, but callers at least normally play cake I love when the callers are getting with the college like Alpil. Yeah so What are you talking about cameo? I didn't understand that reference. Did you know? Oh, so cameo is like a service thing that some I would say low-level we know

But you're talking about celebrity you're looking out for crow doctors on there Yeah, that's what I get. I know a cameo is. The most tangential, like, could this person say anything about, are they also a weirdo? Oh, I understand. Do they also have a crow friend? Still. I'm trying to get to the bottom of this. Are you looking for, were you trying to find a cameo of somebody to say to him, you're not a total weirdo for wanting friends with a crow, thanks for sticking with your wife?

Or are you looking for a way to get him a friendship with a crow, thanks for sticking with your wife? Or are you looking for a way to get him a friendship with a crow? Or are you trying to let him know that you're okay with the fact that he wants to be friends with a crow? What's the want here, Rachel? Yeah, so kind of either of those things, either something symbolic of I support you

and thanks for supporting me, or real tips. So real tips, here's what I real tips. So real tips. Here's what I would do. So I wouldn't do the symbolic thing. If I wanted to do a friendship with a crow and I stuck by my wife for a bad move, losing her job, her dog going down, and I went like,

she really kind of killed me for 12 months, made the vibe really lame, and then there was a cameo of like Bud Bundy from Married with Children being like, hey Jack I think it's pretty cool. You like crows. You got a great gal in retro. I'll go like give me my 12 months 12 months back Thanks for the 42nd cameo from like a WWE wrestler, but hey, man. That's not a fair trade I Not a fair trade. Oh, I agree. I I Will go ahead. Here's what I would do

I would find his interest besides crows and I would make any custom made birdbath in the backyard that is Really cool and his style not yours. So every time he sees it he goes like wow It's the Packers or whatever he likes. A bird bath that is set up in your yard, I would get a lot of bird food specifically to crows. I would figure out what crows like to rest on. My wife does more of this, so I don't know for sure, but we tried to attract owls.

So we got all these owl little homes and nailed them up on trees. So I would figure out the best place that crows like to hang out. And I would have that for him. So he goes, what is this? And you go, this is an ideal home for a crow to nest because where a crow nests, it comes back to. So you're trying to make your backyard a safe place for a crow to nest because where a crow nests, it comes back to.

So you're trying to make your backyard a safe place for a crow family to go. This is our space. And then you're going to feed it, give it a bath. So you're saying to it, you guys are safe here. You'll never be in danger. We are your friends. And over time, as soon as they have babies they'll go I gotta say we like Mark's vibe he comes out here and feeds us every day and before you know it you're gonna get the quack quack and then Mark gets to look up and go I

have a friendship with a crow or go on cameo get Bud Bundy to go like all good rock and roll nice dude I hear you like pigeons or some shit for 375 bucks I will talk for two minutes in my car cameo in four months yeah hey right on everybody I wish you all the fucking best check me out I am living in David Faustino just call it out my main man mark call not my main man mark in Mars marks and your love of crows. So I really hope that- Rebecca sent me, she loves you. And then David goes, I think 80% of that went to Cambio.

Yeah, I think Jake's right. I mean, my rudimentary crow knowledge is also, they really like shiny things. They use those to like build their, I think there is a way to try to build a relationship. It's a bit of a hard, tangible gift. So that's why I think the stuff that Jake's talking about is good. I think you can also get these like bird feeders that stick on your windows.

So you basically put like whatever seed the birds want and they don't want to crow that close, my friend. I don't know if you'll get a crow that close. Yeah, but so you're going to get we have those like hummingbirds and stuff like that. Yeah, that was a way. Hummingbirds are fine Crows a bad man crows crows can be very sweet. Yeah, they can but you're talking about attracting a Dangerous character. So you want to keep it? You want to keep that murder up in trees? You want a little distance?

But look, I think that's awesome. I think that's solid of advice here, Rachel. I mean, it's a super weird call. I love it. I do too, but I think there's a world where we've given you some help. What do you think? I think so, Andy. I got another pitch. I got another pitch. Go. Rachel, I got another pitch. Okay.

Just because I want you to leave this and feel like this was worth it to you. Go to an animal sanctuary where there is a wounded crow and have Mark, when he gets home, he goes, Go to an animal sanctuary where there is a wounded crow and have Mark, when he gets home, he goes, what's in the box? And you go, it's your fucking new crow. Whoa. And then what he does, neither.

You were already talking. It's a fun show for fun guys. So then what his job is, is to nurse the crow back to life and safety. And then what happens when you release it, then you've got the bird bath, then you've got the place for it. So that crow views Mark as its father.

I love the imprinting. I don't know how easy that's gonna be to do. Off of that though, I would also say, yeah, go to take them to like some Audubon center or call around and be like, what is your, like ask about crows, be like, what is your like ask about crows? Be like, what not only what can I do to attract a crow, but also do you have crows there and take him there?

Get him in the world of crows a little bit more. I saw a documentary about a family that took a baby hippo in, and now the hippo lives in the house and thinks it's a house dog. Oh, man. So you're talking about you want to enter a weird world. Go to one of these places and rescue 10 crows and let them live in the house. I listen I'm not opposed to that one bit. So right Joe. Where you at? What do you think you're gonna do here? I really like the the birdbath idea and probably coupled with this call if it's ever aired Let him know where my head was and so I mean this would not be a super surprising

conversation to him, but I Think the birdbath sort of a dedication a representation of and you could you could have something engraved in there kind of sweet I know we're about to close on this and this is not my style to do this. Go Jack Be vulnerable. I'm real fun show for fun guys It's a tough show sometimes for tough guys. No it isn't.

Sometimes it's a vulnerable show for vulnerable fellas. It's never been that. Sometimes we take it down. When? Sometimes we take it down. This is the first time we've taken it down and I don't think it's working. Kevin, cut the take and found it. So here's the other pitch.

And Gareth recently hasn't been doing the crazy one so I have to do him. That's crazy that you feel like. Have you had a crazy pitch? I the other pitch. And Gareth recently hasn't been doing the crazy one, so I have to do him. That's crazy that you feel like. Have you had a crazy pitch? I like your pitch. So here's my crazy pitch, but I actually have to say it to you. Go. I kind of think you should go to a sanctuary and get baby crows that have been abandoned

and raise them in your house like parakeets. That is, that is. Because they have these. I am shocked I haven't. The only reason I. That's that is that is I am shocked. I have the only reason I have a pitch that is because I just don't. Are you ready to take? No, she's not. But you also just lost your dog and you just moved. And this isn't about you. It's about Mark. And so if you get a baby crow that needs a family,

will you just turn that new house into a home? I have another pitch go Go, but what do you let's hear your yeah, Rachel So we do have cats and they do their indoor outdoor and they have brought in birds before okay So the cats will kill it. All right ready. Yeah one word parrot My god parrot, okay. Let me tell you a little something about parrots. First of all, I do a joke about this.

Let me tell you what you're not going to have to do with the parrot, Rachel. You're not going to be grieving the parrot. These things live to be 140. They live forever, yeah. You have to have a child in order to will it to some being. Okay? You're also, we're talking about a house bird, domesticated. Paint it black.

And, don't listen to Jake. I don't think he made it through the spray paint. I should have put a mask on him. But also, I mean, we're talking about a lively communicative bird. You know, there could, you could try to pair it up. So I've got a question on that, Rachel. Are you sure it's crows or is it just big bird?

No, it's crows specifically. Okay, all right. So then I'm gonna- So paint it black like Jake said. So then I'm gonna say our advice, it sounds like it's the bird bath, it's the bird food. There's a turn where Garf was saying, maybe go ask around at sanctuaries.

I'm really pitching, maybe find one that is already wounded that just needs like two weeks to six weeks of care that your husband can do so that when you release it, you're releasing it into the yard. But the floor is yours, fan of the dollop. Minx too. She called it the Minx. It's just Minx, so she's not a fan.

She just saw photos of me in 70s clothes. We all have. It was a big press campaign. More people saw the pics than the show, goddammit. So, Rachel, what are you going to do here? I really like the bird bath idea, so I'm going to go with that. Okay. And I think Jake was leading before he decided that you should bring a family of crows in your

house. A really nice sort of,ows in your house a really nice sort of if you can maybe get some sort of inscription on there that make it sweet to mark a happy birthday yeah you know like something like that crows are loyal you're my crow yeah once like a crow will always stick around so yeah something like that yeah crows crows stick with you from the good and the bad. I know how valuable a loyal partner can be. I hope you find one here too. Ooh, Garf Man. One word, sweetness. Yeah. See, sometimes it can be sweet guys. Thank you very much for the call. Thank you, Rachel. Let us know. Hope it works out. You bet. Bye-bye. Bye. Hi, everyone. Hope you're having. You bet. Bye-bye. Bye. B. Garfman, you want to take us over?

Hi, yes. Welcome, welcome back. We know we're having a follow up. We don't know who you are or what you called about the first time, so maybe bring us up to speed. Sure. I'm Caroline from Indianapolis, but you guys might remember me better as Crap Rat Mom. Wow.

Wow. Wow. What a great title you have. Crap rat's mom. I'm proud of it. And so to so to recap on this one, your son wanted to be referred to as crap rat and he wanted to do it at school. And you couldn't get away. He couldn't get away from that name. Is that correct?

Um, yes, sure. correct? Yes, sure. Wait, sure, what have I done wrong? No, well I called you guys initially because he was really scared to start kindergarten. And you helped me realize I was scared for him to start kindergarten. And then we did end up talking about the more interesting problem of Crap Rat. Yes, I remember that. We were like digging and we were like, okay, this is kind of interesting. And then you reveal the detail as a throwaway that he likes to be known as Crap Rat. And we were like, back up.

So walk us through what's going on with little Crap Rat. Yeah, how's our boy? How's kindergarten? Are the other kids calling him Mr. Rat? Where are we at here? Hey, crap. Well, I am in some ways sorry to report that crap rat has sunsetted with your help. You're we gave the wrong advice. Yeah, it was good advice.

It was really quickly. So how did you do it? What happened? Take the lead. So pretty much the first time I tried to lean in and be part of No, it wasn't. It worked really quickly. So how did you do it? What happened? Take the lead. So pretty much the first time I tried to lean in and be part of it, that kind of got him over it pretty quick. It became cool.

Once you liked it, he was like, that's not cool. Is that true? I wanted it. You started calling it- Call me shit mouse. And he was like, oh, this is the worst. He was just done with it. Yeah.

Like, hey, crap rat, you want to come play? He was like,'s like call me Greg So funny and so deeply parenting Yeah, my kids are really we're really into like makeup and all that stuff and we really tried to raise them of I was like Hey, if you want makeup or army clothes who cares and all they wanted was like Makeup or army clothes, who cares? And all they wanted was like makeup, heels, all this stuff. And at first I said to my wife, I was like, I don't want to go down this direction. They're like five years old.

And she goes, whenever you try to stop it, it'll get bigger. And whenever you lean in, it'll fade away. And that is exactly it. As soon as I take an interest in something that they think is kind of like cooler, edgy, I'm I instantly take away the cool. Instantly you're like they're like I really like this and I'm like that is cool. They're like I've never liked it. You know, I used to do that as a kid. You know what? Never mind. I actually hate this right on. They're cool. That's what I was thinking too. Couldn't be lamer. Couldn't be a worse vibe. What should we look for next?

That's what I was thinking too. Couldn't be lamer. Couldn't be a worse vibe. What should we look for next? Yeah, exactly. Now does Oscar have any new nicknames on the horizon? Anything new? Jenny new? I mean, he's like crap rat's really cool.

Oscar's even cooler. So he's always into something. His new thing, he's got real friends now in kindergarten. Oh boy. Welcome to the real world. Before that, he had, yeah, he had a lot of imaginary friends, but now he has real friends and they like to dig for pirate treasure on the playground and sneak at home. Then I have to think of ways to get it returned to the school because it's part of their garden

beds. Sure. He's doing really, really well. Good. Yeah, it sounds like he's... Yeah, he molted out a crap rat. Well, I don't know how you feel, Jake, but I feel like you'll... How old is Oscar again?

He's five. He'll be six in about a month, but he's still five. So you're not... I don't know much, but I guess you're going to run into other issues with Oscar, who will always be crap rat to me, if I'm being honest. But when and if you do, you have an open line here. We're invested. We would not mind trying to help him out. We can only do things if he's got like stupid nicknames like crap rat. If it's like real

stuff in school. Oh yeah, real keep it away from us. Remember. You helped me with the real stuff though. You truly did help me. Like honestly. Yeah, it was very helpful. Well, I think we owe a big thank you to ourselves for doing that. And what was the advice Gareth helped you with? Did he say, gross, 70s bush?

Why are you, Jake, why are you coming to me? Jake, we gotta win, and now you wanna talk about the MVP? What's going on? Well, because I brought up the Bears. Yes, you are. So before we started this call, Jake, Jake started bringing up sports and now he's coming into the call a little bit more animate. I just got to get nasty.

We appreciate the call. We're very happy about what happened with crap rat. We can do it. Let's take a moment of silence, everybody. Yeah. For crap rat. Can we take five seconds to pour one out for one of the all-time great little kid nicknames. So RIP Crap Rat. We love you. Heads down.

All right. Rest in power. Rest in power. All right. We appreciate the call. Thank you. Bye. Thank you. Thank you. Bye. Bye. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt.

And the associate producer and editor is AJ McKee. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakeo. And our video editor is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh. And you can check out his music at oliverraleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com. The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike,

D-I-K-E, and if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to garethrentals.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.