We're Here to Help - 73: You Are Not the Barber with Daryl Johnson and John Feitelberg

Episode Date: April 25, 2024

Jake, Gareth and special guest Daryl Johnson chat with a caller about some hairdresser drama. The guys also welcome back John Feitelberg to talk to a caller about someone walking in on their grandpa. Later, they follow up with the first caller from episode 18 "This is Where the Watermelon Comes Into Play with Max Greenfield."Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] (Ad-Free Episodes, Bonus Calls and Q&As): Patreon.com/HereToHelpPodVIDEO: Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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The show's had a big week. We've had it, yeah. Oh yeah, absolutely. A lot of new listeners. Yeah. And we appreciate you guys. We've been noticing and we appreciate it. Before we get into the specifics of this episode, can I ask a question?

Of course. Because you did allude to this on some of the calls you were going in for Reiki and you ended up getting Reiki. I did. It's a true story. And I just, toiki and you ended up getting Reiki. I did. And I just, to me, picturing you getting Reiki. It was even weird for her. What's it like? This is-

I feel bad for whoever did it to you. This is not a joke and I'm not going to go deep on this because I'm still not getting what happened. Okay. When did it happen? Last Thursday I believe. Okay. All right.

Maybe Friday, I can't remember. I went in there. She said, what can I do for you? I said, I'm here for Reiki I believe, maybe Friday, I can't remember. I went in there, she said, what can I do for you? Said I'm here for Reiki I believe. She said why, I said I guess, I was like energy trapped, that my therapist, who I like, recommended, I don't fully understand it. She got a little aggressive with me Garf. She did, in this moment or when?

In this moment. Okay. In a dark room, in her office. And she said. That's not why you're here while you're here. And I said, I think I'm here for Reiki. She said, that's not why you're here. And she said, I'm a medium. There's a very dark energy around.

Oh no. You're not here alone. And I went, yibbly. Then, Garrett, my wife went through Reiki and the reason I did it was she did it, and it just shows how different our lives are. Hers was a wonderful experience that left her a little bit of a stomach ache,

but she really felt like it was great and clean and a wonderful experience. That's what I was looking for. Cut to, I'm not gonna get into all the weird details, it was an hour and a half session. At one point, this woman has, I would say 15 crystals on my body. She's banging some weird gong near my ear. There's so much incense in the air that I'm thinking of calling the fire department. My body is moving uncontrollably. What does that mean? Gyrating kind of on the table?

Mentally, I'm just saying go with it. it just whatever's happening go with it. She's speaking in Spanish Why are you gyrating? This is it just that's what happens to my body every once in a while I have like a my lower body. So there is some effect. Yes. Okay. Something's amazing. Something's happening. I did not expect this She's going Clear the table I'm now going something that it wasn't right. It was a goddamn sands. Wow.

It finishes with all I can describe is a spiritual climax in my pants. Afterwards I go, I awkwardly go like, well, thank you very much. Do you validate? And she goes, just so you know, that was not Reiki. I don't do that anymore. It's too draining.

That is not what I do. And I went like, wonderful. I'm really glad I came. I was uncomfortable. I reached for my wallet. She said, you've already paid. I go, OK. And then we made weird eye contact.

And she didn't ask me to come back. You mean, there's a lot there. I know. We gotta get to the show, but you mean she didn't want your money? No, I had paid before. Okay, I thought you meant she was like, it took a soul tax.

But she did, you know those things that are always like, so now you gotta sign up for this, you gotta sign up for this. Yeah, yeah, right. She was like, get out of here. Now I'm gonna sell you, there was a whole room of crystals. Leave.

I thought she was gonna try to sell me like 600 bucks worth of crystals. I would like you to go. Well, we have a great show. With the new lighter, Jake, who hopefully got rid of his spirit. Something happened. I don't know what I believe, but I know something weird happened in that room. For me, I thought you were going to say you just were like, hey, here's your money.

No, I'm a lean in guy. Yeah, but even that is like to be gyrating. But comedically I'm always in the room, but when I'm in a room, when I'm in the situation, I always go, you're here and I'm here. Let's see what happens. Well, uh. And it weirded out both of us. We both left afterwards being like, well, that happened.

You drove by, it's a laser tag now. You're like, she moved? As I was leaving, she was putting up her sale sign up. We've got Darrell Johnson, who is- Guest helper one. Yes, he's, I don't know if we should stick with this, but now that I've done Reiki, I guess I'm more sensitive. Sure, guest helper one.

Guest helper, go ahead. So, Darrell is a guy who I had seen in a commercial years ago, and when I started writing Self-Reliance, I wrote with him in mind. And then he was in Drunk History. I find him to be so funny and such a great actor. So funny.

Oh, he's just a killer. Great on this. Great on this. And then Guest Helper 2, which we like calling him Guest Helpers. Obviously that's sticking. We have John Feidelberg. He's back. He's back for Call 2. Yeah, we had recorded with him before and he had really great calls.

We're spreading him out. He is hard funny. Yeah. His podcast, KFC Barstool Sports is great. He's got a very funny sketch show on YouTube called Out of Order. Yep. And great calls, great guests. And as always, thank you for liking, subscribing, all that stuff.

We have a Patreon where we now take extra calls. Yep, yeah. So yeah, we appreciate everything, and without further ado. Adieu. Adieu. Adieu. Adieu. Adieu.

Hi, how are you? Good, how are you? I'm doing well. I just saw that Gareth is wearing weed socks. Oh Busted what are you a cop back off Johnson? It says it. Let's be Hell hi, how are you? I'm good. How are you? I've been better to be quite honest I got two guys looking at me like I'm not crushing and I am so a player and you crush. Oh, yeah. Thank you We get your name, please

My name is Jackie Jackie and where you from Jackie. I Am from Missouri, Missouri No, and go channel and how old are you? I am 28 and Jackie. Have you ever listened to the show? I have yeah, thanks. Do you like it Jake? What's happening? Yes? I love it We got a special one today. You're not just on with JG Which is a new thing Jackie that we're really trying to land you're on really good Darryl Johnson who played my brother-in-law in the movie self-reliance and it involved in the bathroom scene Which I think is one of the funniest moments and you were making me laugh that day so

My goal was to make you break. Yeah, you did. Yes The whole entire crew laughs. Yes. How long are you sitting there? Uh three days No, just literally well. We finished after half a day. Oh, okay. So it was just sort of a... Oh, I just didn't leave. Oh, you wanted to stay. It was comfortable. That was what's best for the average fat boy. No, that's good if they've got those Christianies to... Yeah, I get it. Yeah. So Jackie, what can we do for you? The floor is yours. All right. So I am a bit of a predicament. I am stuck in like an awkward love triangle with two hairdressers that know each other and I need to break up with one of them but I'm not really sure who to pick or how to do it.

Ugh. Okay. Keep walking us through this. This is a pretty interesting set. I like what's going on. Yeah. Me too. This is exciting.

Yeah. There's a lot of layers to it. Any bad story, go ahead. Yeah, this is exciting. Yeah Walk us through it Please use fake names. I don't want the real people feel bad. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I've definitely I was a little bit nervous So I definitely changed everybody's name including my own Jackie yeah, what made you go to Jackie? Are you an Onassis friend? So, actually, Jackie is one of my really good friends who also listens to the podcast, so this is just like a little hey to her. Hey Jackie, what up Jackie?

What up girl? Yeah. But I will say that detail now maybe removes some of the anonymity you were hoping for because ... But that's okay, because everybody got a friend named Jackie. I got two friends named Jackie. I have two friends and their both names are Jackie Cuffeo. Both of them. Really? You have two Jackie's? Shout out to the weirdest story I've ever heard in my life.

And dare I say on behalf of the show, it's time to pick. I know. But we'll keep talking to you Jackie with the hairdresser Predicaments so what walk us through this give us everything and take your time. Okay Okay, so the backstory is my husband and I have been seen this hairdresser for years We'll get him. We'll say his name is Todd Okay, so you're you guys are a married couple and sometimes you bring in a third. Okay. Wait, hold on. Your hair, but to do the hair. Yeah. Yeah, just to do the hair. Yeah. Yeah, this is a swinger call, is it? Oh, is it? No, yes. Damn it. No, but but jack. I just got to be clear because we get a lot of swinger calls

We do you're literally just talking about these people do your hair Yes, they were Good okay, that makes more sense. Okay, and does Jackie does the and Todd does Todd also do your husband's hair? He does yes, okay, okay, good Yes, so now we all were clear so Todd does you and your husband's hair and the relationship was working? Okay. Yes Perfect. Everything was going great. We've been seeing time for years. He's really good at what he does, but he's a little bit of a hot mess So he actually used to date my cousin. So there's like a weird layer right there. Can we get a court? Yeah, you might need one at this point. Okay.

And so he used to date my cousin, but everything was fine. So we kept seeing him and then all of a sudden he randomly decided to close his salon move to a different state Go on like a eat pray love kind of self-discovery journey. And so we were like, okay that That's fine. So since he was leaving he recommended us to one of his friends Yeah, that's right no far this shit's on top everything's Todd's fault as far as we're Todd recommended you to who or Who will say her name is Kelly will go Kelly Kelly, and I'm putting an eye cuz she's a hairdresser not a wife I'm doing a Y. Yeah.

I like the I. Right? I think that's unique. Yes. And there's a heart over the I. Go ahead. I'm spelling Kelly with a C. So what does everyone think about that? I think you should take your socks off, you drug addict.

Okay. Jesus. I think you got it sober up. You know what? Listen, Jackie. You're druggy. I like a little bit of weed. I mean, is that a problem?

No, you don't. You smoked a lot of weed in the last two years. No, that was your life. And that was on Bert Crusher's podcast. And later you said it got on top of weed. What I mean, is that a problem? No, you don't And that was on bird crushers podcast and later you said it got on top of you go ahead I'm playing the part of Todd recommends you to Kelly with a C. Nice. Yeah. Kelly with a C. So things, you know, we switched over to Kelly. Kelly, I'm going to be honest, is not as amazing at doing hair as Todd, but it works. It gets the job done. And

so we were seeing Kelly, things were going fine. And then we got word that Todd secretly moved back home because his whole self-discovery journey didn't really work out. Totally fine. But he was wanting to get his old clients back that he recommended to his friend.

And so my husband immediately jumped ship and was like, I don't want to see Kelly anymore. I want to go see Todd. So he left and he went back to Todd and he was super excited about it, but then he was telling me that every time he went to go see Todd, that Todd was basically like, when is Jackie coming back? I brought stuff for Jackie. And then on top of that, another weird layer is that because he sold his salon, he started cutting hair out of some random guy's house that he's saying with and the guy

saying with like well awkwardly sit in the kitchen and watch you like get your Big this for me is a big detail Can I just interrupt and say I love you and this call that's great This feels like I'm sitting at Thanksgiving dinner and somebody keeps putting different things on the the table Yeah, and I'm like and macaroni and cheese. Yeah, and you know, you're gonna Like oh, there's just this is such a rich call. So thank you for that and please keep going So there's a random guy in the kitchen at Todd's house. You're in some Problems, yeah. Yeah, it's real awkward, really uncomfortable,

but not enough to deter my husband from going back. So the whole time I'm like, okay, maybe, now I feel some kind of weird loyalty to Kelly, especially with all that going on. So I'm like, you know what, I'm going to stay with Kelly and see how it goes. Well, I must have jinxed myself, because things are going fine,

and then I decided to kind of like switch it up But not really a whole lot in terms of like my haircut and she like royally fucked it up like really bad and explain Did you get a Rachel? Yeah, did you did you change colors and length? I just changed colors, but now Oh big I didn't get things But now you get bangs. Oh big I didn't get things Jackie so I have I'm a brunette and I was added I wanted to add a few highlights just like a few here and there Well, see highlighted my whole head and that's actually Quick moment. That's not highlight. Will you walk in front of camera for a second? Do you mind highlights do the whole change These are not highlights or these are highlights?

These are highlights. Yeah, those are highlights. So these, so she just got some highlights, well done. Thank you, now get off! Oh my God. So highlights for the morons would be just some streaks of blonde. So by the way, good call.

You're Bernat, you want a little bit of flair? Caitlin pulled it off. Yeah, Caitlin did. And happened when kelly did it. She fucked it up So she fucked it up and she just like highlighted like the whole my whole entire head So when I left like that's fully dying my hair was Yeah, like like like I was blonde. I wasn't a brunette anymore okay, so I was like that not, that was not the plan. And I didn't know what to do because my husband and I were actually supposed to take like our Christmas pictures two days after I got my hair cut.

So I was like, what the fuck am I going to do? Because my hair is not my hair anymore. So out of pure desperation, I crawled back to Todd, and I had to have Todd to fix my hair because I just felt like I didn't have a choice. So I just didn't imagine that. With the weird kitchen guy. Damn, Jackie. Yeah, with the weird kitchen guy.

Was he in the kitchen? I also didn't realize that you're fucking Joe Pesci from these movies. Yeah, you are savage. You're a killer. You said, will you fix the mess that Kelly made? That you're fucking Joe Pesci from these yeah, you are savage. Yeah You what you said will you fix the mess that Kelly made and that's what Todd wanted to hear cuz so he could say In the kitchen. Yeah, this was a terror Todd smoking and he just goes I do you'd come back Yeah, and you came back I fucked up. I fucked up. You're sure you came back with eight heads in a duffel bag. Yeah. Yes, that's right

So what happened was Todd just fucking live in it So Todd is gonna fix you now is the weird guy in the kitchen when Todd's doing this where else? So thankfully at my appointment he had gone out to dinner. So I Get your hair 30 when you can get your question Jackie So you just said well what's nice about him is you're just texting for a night cut yeah, not a lot of us have them I don't have anybody I can text it you do my barber used to come to my house at like 8 or 9 o'clock at night Really?

And what would the text? Well, it's because he's always late. So So to me that would be so wildly crazy if somebody else like I was like hey Can I get a cut at 430 in there like how's 9 p.m.? I'd be like why don't you fuck off? Yeah He's coming to me so I don't like that I'm gonna be at home But then all the hair goes on the floor and he just oh, I hate that element clean it you oh I hate that element. I don't want anybody else to clean it, but I'm gonna sue your barber hold on Yeah, somebody comes to your house cuts your hair leaves, and you're left with the mess. I mean I just got a vacuum He cleans everything and I think hairs like glitter. It doesn't go Part of the going there. Yeah, go into a restaurant and then having to clean all the dishes Yeah, it's very my barber was a mobile barber, so he didn't have a shot

Aimed all right Jackie so you went that you went to him you got a night cut and or night die and how'd he do? He did great. He fixed it. It was like magic alright, so Jackie Where are we is that all caught up? Or is there more back story? Yeah, so that's really the whole back story, but now it's like time for me to make an appointment. And Todd thinks I'm coming back to him, but Kelly, there's a small layer with Kelly. I was actually supposed to go see her last week.

She got sick and canceled the appointment by like the grace of God, because I still hadn't made a decision yet and so she's what she's also waiting for me to reschedule and i just don't know what i'm gonna do well jackie you've got a decision to make it's a question for you how big is this town yeah that you live in are you guys gonna bump into each other um maybe but probably not likely Is there a price difference? Yeah, is there any price difference is one cheaper than the other? I will say Kelly is a little bit cheaper than Todd and he has a and she has a place but also

Yeah, get what you pay. She also fucked it up. Yeah, but only the dying thing Yeah, but she ended it. Yes, but she ended up paying more because she ended up having to get the hot as Well, okay, so Darryl where you at? Uh, it's a very simple Solve to your dilemma, which is it's not funny, but it's go with Todd Yeah, everybody has a chance You fuck up. That's it. Yeah when it comes to your hair Your hair especially like with women who have very long hair and they're very attached to it

There is hair trauma that happens, but you gotta get it right and I heard a bad hair dye. That's you Hey, and so how does she deal with Kelly Kelly? I'm not coming back to you no more. You fucked up Then you hang up the phone because you don't owe Kelly nothing. I paid every one of your bills I actually think you owe Kelly less, honestly. Garf, where you at? Here's the element I don't like is the guy in the kitchen. Yeah. That to me is a real bad element.

Big red flag for me. It's a big problem. If I'm going somewhere and I feel like I'm being, it's like a voyeur thing. Yeah. That's a problem for me. So I would say, oh, sorry. No, that's okay. No, go ahead.

You're the guest. But can Todd come to you? That's a problem. Yeah, so I would say oh, sorry But can Todd come to you that's my pitch You're doing you got two people who want their haircut yeah, right you guys get your hair cut together from now on Yeah, you figure that out and you say to Todd we want you to come to our place And you have him do it in the garage or something like that so you're not living with air gets cold Jackie What do you think about do you want haircuts at your house? I will say Todd has come to our house before like randomly and done our hair So it has been done before and what do you think? Okay, yeah, I think I'd be okay with that

What else you got Garf anything I that I just that's it I would just have Todd do the house call because there's two of you and I don't think you owe Kelly shit Really fast Caitlin. Can you go on mic, do you mind? As a woman who's gone through this highlight? Well, I had one other. Okay, what would you do? I would go with the- with Todd because the kitchen thing is kind of weird, but you usually when you find someone you like you just kind of stick with them.

I have only gone to like one person, so. In your whole life? Wow. Yeah, well I just them. I've only gone to like one person, so. In your whole life? Yeah, well I just started dying my hair until like maybe two years ago. So you would stick with Todd. Kevin, where are you at? I'm Todd. Wow, for Todd. But bring his little friend into the convo.

I'm curious about his story. No, Kevin, get off mic. Kevin, get off mic right now. Kevin, put the mic down. Kevin, you know things are bad when I'm telling you to stop talking. I like that he brings his little friend in his convo. No. Yeah, bring him.

Garf, you said you had another one? Well, what you could also do, my initial idea was let's have a competition. Let's have a hair-off. A hair-off. But that probably can't happen. And they also kind of had it. He kind of did have it, unfortunately. But what you could also do is you could leverage the lower Kelly price to try to lower the Todd price

You could explain anything you can't negotiate with barbers. You can't negotiate with nannies you can't so there are certain jobs You can't nickel and dime because they'll go. Okay. Yeah, you're right. You got me 20% off and you know congratulations I'm now cutting hair at a rate. I don't't like, so now you're getting a 20% off haircut. And you can't do it in manis where you go like, hey, I want you to watch my newborn, but I'll pay you 50% and they'll go, then I'll let the baby cry. And you go like, well, I'll be at work.

So I won't hear it anyway. And the baby can't communicate. There's certain roles in life you gotta play. To me, that works. I also, I have another pitch. Please. How about you have Todd do it for you have Todd call Kelly and say you know what I got my client

back she not coming to you no more you fuck her up and I had to fix it Darrell I like that if you do that could you do it on like the Maury show yes I like that a lot let's call Sally Jesse Rafael get her to get her show back the results are in the results are in You are not the father So I like that a lot yeah, because if you feel like you're leaving Kelly hanging that's how Todd gets you back Yeah I'm gonna say no on that Jackie because the idea Todd call and Kelly could get really ugly now I gotta ask you Jackie because you're the star of the call

Yeah, what do you want to do in your heart of hearts? We're talking about your hair. This means a lot to you We know it. What is your gut telling you to do mama lead us out? What do you think? I think my gut is to go with Todd and yes The only thing I think that made me nervous about was the kitchen and he seems to be like a flight risk sometimes but if you leave. And he might be but it's worth it. Yeah. But then Jackie, if he disappears again,

you know what you do? What? You call Kelly and apologize and you wanna know what she's gonna say? I'll take the money. Yes. Yeah. And then you say, I was honestly, if he's gone, I was guilted out.

I felt bad, he kept saying to my husband, and I started with him, and I had to go back, and I'm sorry. And not enough people talk about the eat, pray, love that's cut short, that ends up just being the eat. Yeah. Which is really, which is the sadder one. Yeah, pray, love.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I like to go and eat, pray, love, and only eat, and I'd be like, okay, I'm good. I'm I mean I like to go right pray love and only eat and I'd be like, okay I'm good. I'm gonna go to Detroit and do my eat mine is eat comma watch TV comma head back home I do an EY God Eat comma watch TV comma miss everybody comma get really bored comma get lost on the highway comma Just head home fuck this shit. Yeah, I'm a or eat Lost on the highway comma just head home fuck this shit. Yeah, I'm a or eat

comma eat sleep sleep about it Get weird on the internet Regret it comma eat comma pray but like to my weird version realize it's not praying is talking to myself Yes, comma get weird on the internet comma get weird on the internet comma eat Come a wife mad comma. Oh shit. I forgot to get my kids Go comma come up with three bad ideas try to convince people it works Yeah, comma lose faith in ideas comma send an email. I shouldn't have comma drink. Yeah, oh no shouldn't a drink I'm a stop in Sedona see a vortex Yeah, I'm a drink a lot come up and drink it a lot

I'm gonna get back into a weed phase comma say I got it handled this time Comma say well, I only have a hit in the morning and then coffee come on I've got this handled comma start drinking it Let the alcohol get on top of me comma say things like I deserve this comma rehab comment I'm shouting I deserve this comma comma get into working out get hurt so fast comma eat comma realize I'm bald in comma should have stretched comma maybe look online for weird like sprays that you just like spray paint the comma Bought a spray. Yeah, yeah, come on spray didn't work demanding my money back

I'm worth this is a operator comma see yourself naked in the mirror and realize you look like a big toddler No comma comma break glass, comma eat. So I think our kind of thing to you, comma, is go to Todd. If he disappears, then crawl back to Kelly. Jackie, are you going to do it? Yeah, I think that's the route I'm going to go. And get the house call. While you're at it, get the house call.

You have a little bit of leverage. Yes. And apologize to Kelly. Just be like, Kelly, bit of leverage. Yes, use this apologize to Kelly Just be like Kelly. I'm sorry. I gotta go back to time. I would you're saying I love you Kelly. I think you're great I avoid the killing no I think you have to because like you said if he is a flight risk you might have to go back to Kelly and one Thing I know about hairdressers if they got fucking ego. Yeah, you know what? If another person oh you another person, oh, you're going back.

Okay. I'll remember that. And then when he flakes again, she can be like, nah, bitch, go to Todd. Are you going to bring it up to Kelly or are you just going to disappear and risk what happens if eat, pray love happens again? Right. I feel like I agree that honesty is the best policy and she is waiting for me to reschedule.

So I feel like if I just keep it light and just say like, Hey, this is the situation. It is just Todd is coming to our house now. It's just easier for me to get my head up. She goes, Jackie, I'll come to the house. I just don't feel like she will. But you're putting yourself in a vulnerable spot. Plan for that. Plan for. Have an idea of what to say when she says, well, I'll come to your house. Or have three people helping you. Or we do the hair off.

JGD. We do the hair off. You get them both over there and you get half of your hair cut by each and there's a time and see who does it best. Would you ever consider doing a hair off? Cause I love a hair off Because I love a hair off. I love a hair off.

I mean, a hair off would be great. Half and half. It's definitely like a Victor Victoria situation. And we all kind of judge the hair off. And then you go like, case in point, the right side is way prettier. Oh, we can fly in. We'll do commentary.

Yeah, I think I like this idea. Jackie, good luck to you. Like we always say, we're here to help. Ha ha! Perfect. Boom, we're here to help. Perfect. Boom, and the call can't be piqued. Biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz driving a van across the country, staying in random spots and weird cities. It's a beautiful life that I've carved out for myself, one that I know you're very jealous of. I will say the thing about Booking.com that really works

is that you can go from a little resort to a five-star hotel. You can kind of book anywhere. It's something that I've used to book family trips, and I find it easy. Yes, they really do cover the spectrum. I'm serious when I say that I book, most of the time when my travel is not booked, I just go to booking.com.

Cheesy. Just very easy to see what you're getting into. The place that you're looking at always matches the place that you get and like you said if you would like if you would rather Have a kitchen versus a hotel booking.com is a great place to see so book whoever you want to be on booking.com This episode is brought to you by Babel Jake, you know what Babbel is. Babbel, a language app helps you learn foreign languages, 10 minute lessons handcrafted by over 200 language experts to help you start speaking a new language in as little as

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dot com slash HTH. Rules and restrictions may apply. And we're having the best time. Back on back on. We're here to help Head Goat. John and I are cutting it up. Jake Johnson. Terrible start. All right, all right, relax everybody. I'm sorry, I'm hot. Coller, can we get, well first of all, great news. We're here to help America's number one podcast.

You got Jakey J. You got Gareth Reynolds. And you have our guest today, a man who had dinner by himself last night just to do the show, John Feidelberg. John, thank you for being here. Thank you guys very much for having me. I am truly honored. John, you said you're a fan of the podcast. Does that mean you listen to four episodes

to prepare for it, or you've actually listened to a bunch of them? I started listening to it to prepare for it. That's what happened. But that was a couple weeks ago. A month or so has been. Most of our listeners are people we say we're gonna book, and then we just get

John does KFC radio with Kevin. Yeah, they've been doing it for a decade at least Yeah, long time and I love it. I've been on it a bunch I think it's as good of a show as it gets it's great host you guys are killer. Thank you very much Thank you for joining us. It means a lot. They're having me.. Thank you. Alright, alright caller. Now to you. Sorry about that. I love you interrupting and going like, fuck off. Hey! You were right! You were right! Do you guys remember the premise of your show? Yeah. Do you guys want to comb each other's hair anymore? And tell each other how great your nails look?

I got a problem here, you clowns. You're the best. What's your name, please? I'm gonna be using fake names, and I guess you will see why. Okay. So I'm gonna be using fake names and I guess you will see why okay So I'm gonna go with Ashley Ashley John brought his own notebook. We love it Ashley age where you're calling from I'm 24 and I'm calling from Michigan. What can we help you with today? There's no like real The best way to say this so I'm just gonna come out with it and then I guess we'll go from there. Great. So I walked in on my grandpa watching porn, and you know, having a fun time with himself.

This is great. This is, this is, this is, I don't, and Ashley, I don't wanna set the bar too high, but this might be my favorite call opening I've heard. This is, I love what I'm hearing. Okay, so... Go ahead. Keep walking us through. So, were you living with grandpa? You're staying with grandpa? Because I'll tell you what, it would never happen to me. I would never walk into my grandmother masturbating because we don't have space like that together. Yeah, yeah. There's

space. We don't live in the same home. Set the scene. How did this happen? You've you've got us with the log line. Yep. So, yep. Agree. My mom and I, we were taking my grandma out to a store to go buy her a new rug. This is this rug needed to match her couch perfectly. So we were out the store and grandma was like, I need someone to go back to the house and get a nightmare. I don't know. Like, I think a lot of elderly people have this like couch cover on like the arms of the couch. Understood.

Yeah. That's like the same pattern of the couch. So you were, so Ashley, you were sent home as a kind of like a little Aaron chore to get more detail. Yeah. Let's give grandpa a name. Should we call him Grandpa Joe? Grandpa Steve? What do you want to call him?

Grandpa Gareth? No, I don't think we want to stay away from that one. What are we calling Grandpa? Do we have a name for him in your family? Like Papa, Na Na, Gaga, something like that? Yank, yank. Usually, usually we just call him Papa. Papa.

OK, so Papa truly believed he had about an hour to himself. Yeah, he's going gonna take advantage of it Y'all a rug shop and I got it. I got it. My feeling is at that age He's never away from grandma. Yeah mama are always near each other mama's always talking about that It's a perfect like combination of Dan of you like I just need a rug that matches his couch and he's like I just need 20 minutes Yeah, I just need you to go get that and we're both gonna be Don't we all relate back to that time when you were a teenager and you were gonna have your home to yourself for a minute Like the pushing to go on the errand you'd be like

Yeah, now I would set alarms in high school to get up early to start downloading Porn on Kazaa. So when I got home, it was ready. Ha ha ha. Incredible. Ha ha ha. So we relate as Ben to the idea that an errand is like, you're just like, as he's waving goodbye,

you're like, sweet grandpuppet, in his head, he's like, I know what scene I got. I got a feeling you relate to. We can live in this world of men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. But from doing this show, we have learned very clearly. Women are also from. Oh, yeah. Yes. So, Ashley, keep going.

You're out rug shopping. You're going to go home. You're going to figure out a color scheme and then walk. What happens? Yep. So i dot the house so the house is kind of three levels but it's still smaller house you can still here everything in pretty much he'd a lot

sadly and i thought he was not you know the third level that where that computer room and he'd there's like a desktop you know all that in there and i walked in on the third level. That's where the computer room is. He there's like a desktop, you know, all that in there And I walked in on the first level and You know, he's old he's in his 80s. So he's first of all, god, i'm just gonna say what a testament Yeah, it's awesome. Just yanking that taffy. Yeah, it's still working

You don't know that. Well, I think it is. Well, even we'll find out No working. I don't know that. Well, I think it is. Well, even if I find out, even if just yanking around that tootsie roll for fun, he doesn't care. It's about the images, Garrett. It's not about finishing the race. It's about racing.

As soon as I walk in on the first floor, though, since he can't hear, he had the porn on. Oh, boy. And what are you hearing? You're hearing what? Just regular like, uh, regular like or is there something weird going on? No, definitely several women Really? Yeah, you got to spice it up. There was multiple I could definitely tell yeah Well, it's harder to launch a rocket so you gotta have more scientists

I was curious I don't kind of porn a great watch agree reverse group bang is yeah Yeah, so several women together You're hearing all the voices you're walking around. We don't we well just assume well No, I just for people you know someone's probably driving right now with their window down and just to ruin their day I think you have mission accomplished So to all like the moms right now with like who've written in like I you know I put the kids to bed or I drop them off at school, and I do chores They're all like oh for fuck's sake

So and dads God bless So you're hearing multiple sounds of women on level one and two then what happens mm-hmm so I tried Then what happens? Mm-hmm. So I tried Flaming the door like three or four times very loudly. So he would like know okay, someone's in the house I need to stop Ashley your job was to look at a color scheme and leave Yeah, what I don't know why you're beating pots and pans just get out of the house. Yeah. Yeah trauma probably Yeah, it's called trauma probably. So, but to Jake's point, you just don't want him to masturbate. You're like, shut it.

You want to shut the project down. Yeah. Okay. How interesting. That's a bold choice. Okay. Yeah. But that's true.

But actually, that's true. When you heard it, you thought, he's got to know I'm here. He's got to stop. You did not think, I got gotta get out of this burning building. Yeah. Yep. Not all heroes work this. I still had to retrieve this thing.

Oh, I get it, you're on the first floor making noise because you need to get closer to the action. Yep, yep. You need to get into that room. Now I'm with you, I would do the same thing. Okay, yes, right, okay. Yep, so that didn't work, so then I was like, okay, I do the same thing. Yes, right. Okay. Yep. So that didn't work. So then I was like, okay, I just need to like make a run for it.

So I ran up the stairs into onto the second floor. I grabbed the thing I needed. But then on the way back, he saw me and I saw him. What did what did you see? Yeah. I saw him rambling to get off the computer and he's trying to get off at the computer. And then he whipped his shorts back on when he had it was really weird because he had like a normal button up top on.

Oh, so he's a quirky pig. Work at top party. Yeah. So that's like a mismatch out. First of all, I just want to say on behalf of the show, we're sorry to you Ashley and we're sorry to Pop Pop. Yeah. This is a bad situation for both of you.

John, what do you got? You're saying? I think I'm more sorry for Ashley in this. Like Pop Pop has the easy out that he's not going to be around for much longer. So he doesn't have to think about this. Ashley's got to think about this for 15 more years. That's an interesting take. And if that was one of his thoughts, that'd be where he's like god damn

And I got caught by my granddaughter. Well, I'll be dead within 15 This wine ain't gonna marinate too long It's not a steel trap anymore so he might forget about this in two weeks. Ashley, this will be with you forever. So Ashley, you see him, he's scrambling. Then what happens? So he walks out of the room and like comes to talk to me. And yeah, I know. When a man loves a woman.

Multiple women. Multiple women. And doesn't love them at all. Desires them. When a man desires countless women, then after grandma. I was trying to measure the couch in penis lengths. And so what does he say?

He was just like, uh, hi, and then said my name. And then I was just like, oh, hi, grandpa, sorry, gotta get this for grandma, gotta go. And then I ran out. Okay, and then did you tell mom and grandma? Nope, nobody knows in my family the first thing I did I should I shouldn't say that the first thing I did after I called my brother fair and I was are different Yeah, you got this then you need to suffer too

And I guess and so I agree that your generation could know and laugh forever about it You can't swallow this grenade or it's gonna kill you. So second of all, I think it's smart to call in. Let's get this off your chest. This is a weird one. I also think it's really smart you didn't tell mom and you didn't tell grandma. No reason to shame this old man.

As John says, he's nearing the end of this marathon. He's at mile 22 and a half. He'd be homed up in a second. Yes, yes. So you tell your brother, then walk us through. He's at mile 22 and a half. He'd be homed up in a second. Yes. So you tell your brother, then walk us through. Do we just want to, as guys, do we just want to take a vote on whether or not we think he went back to it when she left? No.

I think we all know. Yeah, we know the answer. What is the answer? He did. Oh, he went back. He did. No way. Yes.

Yeah, he did. Oh, come on. He did know what guys are a hundred percent. Yeah, he was caught by his grant. Well, he's already paying the bill eat the dinner. I Feel like when you're 80 it takes a while to get into that mode once you're in it you're like I I would say in reality. I mean I was on the first floor for a while Yes, but we don't even know if he was in the game in terms of in the game He was just watching the videos if you get caught by your granddaughter the last thing you think after that in my opinion is like Let's finish what we started. That's an after orgasm problem. I think the first thing you think is no way she comes back a second time Yeah I mean I wanted lightning strikes twice

Yeah. Well, and also, even if, I mean, not that I want her to. One of the out-of-lightning strikes twice here. That's crazy. So remember when I said at the beginning, you two guys are a good match for each other? Yeah. I'm looking at fraternal twins. Yeah.

We're a good guy. Look at you guys' faces. Oh, I already looked at you. I already pegged. This was, honey, I'm pregnant. All right, what? Bad news. What?

Twins. Whoa, that's maybe good news. Boy, girl, what is it? Two boys. Pop, pop. Yeah. Send one little list. We're going to give one up for adoption. Yeah. Jesus Christ, they're both doing podcasts. So at the same time, I would say most people are going, no way. What do my two twin sons say at the same time? Hey, lightning doesn't strike. Finish

the job. Finish the mission. You remember Bill Murray and Rushmore his two little sons You leave you tell your brother where we at then and how does this get to what do we do now? Is there another turn on the story? No, not really. So I just kind of locked it away since it happened. So this actually happened around, I would say two years ago. How's your husband doing health-wise?

He is still with us. God bless him. He's still with us and alive. Okay. I'm doing still okay. Good, yeah. But since since this event has happened. He left your grandma has a new wife who's like 24 years old and we're all gonna go like what the fuck pop pop. Lives in Chadwick. He's doing pretty good. Yeah. It's been just odd between us. I wonder why. Yeah. Okay so question for real is it odd from his end or is it odd from your end? That's yeah, the question is like what should I?

Do about it. I definitely think I should not say anything. I feel like now you lock right yes So like in the third floor so the question is now What do you do now is the goal because you want to get back to a normal relationship with your grandpa? You want to get away from the Weirdness how specific and you get in the what what do I do now part of this question? Yeah, so like we since that day like we barely even hug each other. Mm-hmm This is a sad turn. Yeah Ashley not to not to unearth trauma when you see him, do you just picture that moment, do you picture

him with the member out with the shirt on? Not all the time. I would say when we're in a group family setting, no. But if it's just like me and her, then yes, it will just lightly sometimes pop in my brain and I'm like, no, no, no, no get out get out. That's that's so tough It's hard because it's there's really two options There's the look you've got to figure it out for yourself like a way to just kind of come to terms it Or you've got a like grandpa look it was weird it happened

It's okay. I want us to what are you pitching you let him walk in on you know? So what are you pitching you let him walk in on no? He's not gonna admit to this pitch but his first pitch was Recreated where you're watching a video with a bunch of guys in his house He walks in you scramble and small talk that what that that's that's called the mirror tech that though No, listen, it's eliminating. So now there's now now we've been oh man indeed. Yes. But I, my gut is to to say something to him. That's my gut.

My gut is to go when you have a minute, just go, Papa, I love you. Hold on. Gareth, will you sincerely be Ashley? Yes. John, will you sincerely be grandpa? I. John, will you sincerely be grandpa? I sure will. Do you want any other backstory on grandpa?

Can we what did what did grandpa do for work? He worked at like a newspaper mill. Cool. OK, OK. You ever serve in a war? He did. He got all his fingers. Yeah, he does.

Is he a man who's gone down the road of staring too deeply into the bottle at times? He is not a drinker. Interesting. All right. I'll tell you what, I was real in his head. I'm out now. Yeah, I got to crawl my way back in. John, you're an actor. Recalibrate. Got to find it. Ashley, here is a legit pitch.

Gareth is going to try his hardest to be you. Yes. And here's what he would say he would do. And we're looking for notes from you after. If this is reality, if this is how it could go. And this is just a rough script for you. If you like it, you can use what you like. And okay, here we go. All right. All right. Okay. Everyone left. Hey, hey, pop up. Hey, Ashley. Hey, how you been? I feel like we haven't talked in a while Been pretty backed up for about two years now about yourself. Good better I'm your brother. I mean, I'm horny Rick

We might have to recount, Grandpa. But what a run. Yeah, what a run. We think Grandpa might fully be porn Grandpa. What a run. This is John's fantasy of Grandpa. Rick, I did three tours of the world. All I've seen is pinup women. Have you been on the internet?

They come to life, kiddo. They come to life. Man, it's like I'm right there. It's where I'm going. I'm just doing this to the ads on the side. All right, so we're gonna try again. Let's make Grandpa more of a traditional grandpa. More of a traditional grandpa.

Good note. Good note. And I'm Rick, your brother. All right, here we go. All right. Hey, Pop Pop. Hey, Ashley. How you doing?

Good. Rick's here too, so keep it in line a little bit this time. What's up, bud? How you doing, grandpa? You fucking weirdo. Yeah, all right. Yeah, grandpa. So grandpa, listen, I'm not sure if you remember this, but I do.

Remember a couple years ago when Nana wanted the rug to match the couch? You remember that? I have a vague memory. OK, well, anyway, that day, I came into the house and I saw you while you were in the middle of something. Do you remember that? No.

OK. This is real life, Ashley. So he's going to stonewall. A hundred. This is going to happen. OK. So excellent. Excellent job. Since a couple don't remember nothing. A couple of years talking about you go. It makes my role harder.

Because it's real life. So I saw you with your shirt on and your pants off. And I think you were doing something. I just want you to know that it's fine. I want our relationship to be as good as it can be still. So I don't care about that day. If you remember it or not, doesn't matter. But I just want to go back to just being like,

you're a regular granddaughter, and I love you, and I don't care what you do and I never told anyone and if you remember it you don't remember it doesn't matter I just want you to know I love you and and I want to feel like we have as normal a relationship as possible. Actually I'm gonna be honest with you I was gonna stonewall you and go a different way with this but that was really great and I do remember it and thank you for telling me it's okay. We're living in bullshit world now. Come on. So I thought that came from the heart.

I was like, I was gonna go another way, but you're like, you tell me it was okay. Yeah, it is okay. I gotta jump in. That to me from the outside, I feel like you're putting yourself and your grandpa in a world of trouble. I think the first answer that grandpa gave there

when you would say, hey, grandpa, do you remember two years? And he'd goes, no. And then you'd go, Hey, I walked in and I saw you doing something. You go, okay. And you go, and I just want to let you know that's natural and we can move on. He'll go, okay. Then you would walk in the other room and go, I need to murder myself. Life is over. My granddaughter just admitted to me. She caught me masturbating. Maybe this might be the other way to run into the fire is just to be like, you want to go out to dinner one on one.

So what I was going to say is this. I was going to call it the lunch. OK. And I was going to title. Thanks. Hollywood Johnson. The line. The line. And I was going to say, say to him in advance, hey, grandpa, can I take you out to lunch next Saturday so that he's got a thing? He'll go like you me and grandma

No, no, just you and then he's gonna have a little bit of like it's been a little bit off between us I know what she's probably gonna bring it up at that lunch. You don't bring it up You just say you make it really fun. You have questions. You keep the conversation going. You ask him about his past. I used to do this with my dad, but I would pretend we were doing a podcast when we were together and just ask him questions about his history. So just sit down with him and go, so when you first started your job at the newspaper thing, what was that like? And he'll go, ah, it was a long time ago, honey. You go, I'm just really interested in you. Turn it into ask about his child, about everything. So you leave and he'll go I was a long time ago honey you go I'm just really interested in you turn it in to ask about his child about everything so you leave and he goes

Well, that was the sweetest lunch. I've had in a what a special granddaughter and you're now past it Yeah, I mean now he's no longer thing. He's like she took a real interest in me She doesn't think of me as a piece of shit What he might be thinking is I love this fucking kid Me and this fucking tootsie roll between my legs have ruined another predicament you two got me Yeah, and he's looking back and he goes. I've been mad at you since 1951 in 1957 You fucked me in 62 you fucked me in 81 you fucked me. I hate this fucking dick Don't want him cutting it off, so let's not take them all the way there I hate this fucking dick. I love my granddaughter, this fucking tootsie roll.

We don't want him cutting it off, so let's not take him all the way there. But I think that's pretty good. And if you wanted to do a couple nods to the fact that you'd maybe allude to why this is happening, you could order the jerk chicken. And then when you eat it, you could go, you can't beat this meat. Something like that. John, you got anything near this or anything different that jumps to the top of your head I I mean my gut is always barrier as a guy who's been caught before yeah, but caught countless times

Have you count heavens to Betsy? Yeah heavens to bed? It sounds like the grandpa I would I would venture to guess Not countless, but yet there I've had Siblings and I had two parents. You got caught. People were coming in and out. And no one ever brought it up. And look at me now, totally normal.

So I'm going to change my path here. I would bring it up. Feels like that's the right, yeah. If you're going to go, I like you. Honestly, it really spoke to me. Your angle, too, where it was just like, I feel like, that's right. Yeah, but if you're gonna go, I think I like you. I honestly it really spoke to me your angle to where it was just like I get like I feel seen and I'm Represented here, but I think both those are good. I I would have a hundred percent said bury it until you said it's been two years Already, so this has been eating. Yeah, that's true. This is been a long time now. You buried you did bury it He tried and it won't stay there. No, it's a zombie

This is a zombie member. So actually you got kind of three things Gareth's first one was the mirror technique the Recreate the situation he traumatized you fucking traumatized his show time show time The second one is the the lunch And that is you go out and the third one is you tried to bury it, but it didn't work So some variation of bringing it up from John. Yeah, correct. Yeah, I I would go with I would bring it up now I think bring it up. I'm a firm believer in Barry, but two years in it feels like we got that means you got a You want a wild fourth real quick? Yeah Get him like a flashlight

Just just just be like grandpa. I see you. I love you. I help you okay? the browser subscription So we're just about third floor jacking is the username Ashley we're just about out here now. We got to go back to you. Are you going to do the mirror? Are you going to do the lunch? Are you going to do the bring it up? Are you going to do the gift? I would titles are awesome.

Lean towards the lunch. OK, I like the lunch. They've been the least awkward. I think so, too. And are you going to actually do the lunch or are you going to think about it? Because you might not have another five years to plan this one. Yeah. Yeah, I do have to say I'm not sure how much time is left, sadly, but go ahead. Actually, well, well, for any of us kid, for any of us,

if we're if we're not sure how much time is left, I'm back to bury it because there is still we're not talking about a 17 year old kid What we're not talking about a 17 year old kid grandpa? He's mid-eight, but it sounds like he's a little sicker now Yeah, and it seemed like There's the chance. It's the smallest chance in the world, but there's the chance. He's convinced himself It's all that you don't know great and and he's you know, we get a couple months left You don't want to you don't want to kill them. No, yeah And and he's you know a couple months left you don't want to you don't want to kill them Oh, yeah, I can see the awkward vibe you so the lunch is a version of burying agreed

So the lunch is the not only burying it. It's the celebration of the bear. Yes. Yes. It's saying not only my bearing it Yes, we're dancing on the great. Yeah New Orleans style yeah, it's not a quiet Barry like I'm sitting alone with these. It's saying get the brass band, get the necklaces. Yeah, I'm wearing an umbrella. We are partying. It's over, grandpa. So Ashley, in closing, you're gonna do the lunch? Yeah.

Would you maybe email him or however he communicates and get that going so that the lunch is happening a week from now? Don't let this build. You gotta attack this lion. Yeah, I can definitely do that. Okay. And will you follow up with Kevin how that meal went?

Yeah, I sure can. We appreciate you Ashley and John. Good luck. Thank you, buddy. Thank you, John. Great acting. Thanks, Ashley. Jake, we are also brought to you by Aura Frames.

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gift to send to mom or grandma. They can upload all the family pics in one place. It's funny that you say that because I am going to send one of these to my mother and I already know it's all going to be the grandkids and she really will love it. So it's a win. It is a win. So right now Aura has a great deal for Mother's Day. Listeners can save on the perfect gift by visiting AuraFrames.com slash Gil sent me to get... This episode is brought to you by Filo with Filo.

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Hey everyone producer Kevin here this next follow-up is from episode 18 Titled this is where the watermelon comes into play with max greenfield It's the first call from the episode and if you'd like to listen for a little refresher go for it. Enjoy Hey, hi, so we don't know who this is but we know it's a follow-up you mind taking the lead a little bit Sure, I called a little while ago because i'm trying to crush a watermelon between my thighs and my wife is not happy about yep Well, yeah, hold on. I gotta say something to you Word has it you make the rounds on podcasts my guy How many of these you got did what what's your name again real quick? Oliver Oliver, that's right because you're all over podcast. So Oliver

How many of these have you done before we get into this? Oh, only two, and it was you and I in one other podcast. That's not a lot. It's not a lot. We're still furious. People on social media overreacted. How'd the other one go? It was good. It was good. Yeah, it didn't have fucking Max Greenfield on it. Okay, Oliver, walk us through where you're at with the watermelon, with the training. And with your wife's reaction to your beautiful endeavor. So if you remember, I'm making a documentary about the whole thing.

Yes. Fitness-wise, I'm in the right place. I'm confident that I can do it. It's been logistics recently. Per your guys' recommendation, actually, we've rented out a farm for the documentary for a certain segment So it's been about it coming together to finally do the actual crushing. Okay And other I remember other recommendations we had was just crush mushy melons to get your confidence up

Yeah, the plum was a big hit when I showed people the episode. I'm very confident I can crush a plum. I think so. And how's your training been? And how's your wife's reaction been? It's been good. And I even think that my wife has come around a little bit on it, at least to the melon being crushed in the kitchen. Okay. We've introduced the idea of a Home Depot tarp

going over the kitchen. Yeah, also. Which seems to have smoothed things over. Of course, yeah, you'll find that goes a long way. And then when is the day the rubber meets the road, Oliver? When are you gonna crush the melon? Because you can't talk about it forever. You gotta eventually put that big thing

in between your legs and squeeze. So we're gonna start shooting I before the end of March This is great right now It's a logistical thing because I want my wife to be out of the house while it's going on fair I have a buff friend coming over to stand in the background for a bit I feel like it just comes off as really really like a lot. Yeah, it's happening in your home. Yeah I don't disagree. I I don't think you're gonna want her there. Well, you and another buff guy squeeze melons between your legs My guy. Well, it might be it might be a good idea to Be sweet and incentivize by you know, by giving her a day of doing something she wants

to do. You know, like whether you go, I don't know, I mean I don't want to be too on brand, but you know, if you want to go have her get a massage or have a day at a spa or have a manicure or something like that. Yeah, no, that's a great idea. Maybe have her go buy a shop vac. But you're starting, early March you're starting the dock, and just to be clear, the dock is a training thing at the farm?

Like a rock. So we're gonna, we're doing a training segment at the farm where I'm going to go there and crush some less than ripe melons. Okay good. Some mushy melons. And then I have a, I actually have someone on the dock who's going to, he's done it before, so he's going to kind of advise me on it. Is this a thing that people do?

Is there a community of you guys? To my knowledge it wasn't. So I saw this one guy do it, I reached out to him and I said, I kind of feel like I could do a more ripe, larger melon than that. He challenged his ass Oh, is he an old-timer and he said not a chance Only mentally only mentally okay, so you're gonna be doing a tree you reached out to this guy. He's your mentor He's in your corner. You're rocky. You're gonna go to Russia aka or

Siberia aka the farm you're gonna train And when do you actually pop the melon? What date is that? We're hoping March 24th, my birthday. Oh, I love it. What a lovely day. Yeah, will you please let us know how it goes? Yeah, can I ask you a question too? Oliver, are you, since you're documenting this,

do you have a title? I'm still sticking with Melons beware is the best I've also heard uh Yippee-ki-yay melon farmer like die hard 2 when they played on tv you could also call yourself the melon man the melon man melon musher oh that's melon mushers good oh we we got a workshop all of these I'm gonna just some pitches throw them up on the floor um so do us a favor man pitches roam up on the board so do us a favor man if you film what you're doing on the 24th we would love a clip of it we will obviously continue to push and a follow-up and a follow-up will obviously push your documentary for you but we'd love to know what happens on the 24th man it seems like you'd love to do a

follow-up we'd love to hear that but there's one there's one caveat no other podcast you're exclusively signing a deal with. We're here to help. Is that fair? All right. Fair, fair, fair. You guys will get the first follow up. That's fair.

Thank you. Wait, wait, wait. We'll get the first political there. You just pissed me off. Only follow up. Ours has to air first before it's like, yeah, it's all ours air. This is like the Leno Letterman battle. Yeah.

We need the star first. Yeah. And I think you're not going to go do another podcast. It's interesting that you went instantly that you were Leno. Oliver, thank you for the call buddy. Good luck to you. Thanks, bud. Good luck.

Hey, thanks, guys. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. And the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeough. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakeo, and our video editor is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh,

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