We're Here to Help - 74: He Just Lost His Wife and Dog with David Cross

Episode Date: April 29, 2024

Jake, Gareth and special guest David Cross talk to callers about a lunchtime dilemma and an article about the Chicago rat hole. Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] (Ad-Free Episodes, Bonus Calls and Q&As): Patreon.com/HereToHelpPodVIDEO: Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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We're here to help. He's liking the headphones. You know where headphones are. The poster is behind you if you need a script. Oh yeah, Gareth Reynolds and Jake Johnson. And the microphone caller, you're on the air. We're here to help. We are back! Back, Jake! We have a great guest. We really do. You and I kind of let him know immediately how important this guest was. In our comedy careers. I am not underselling the

fact that our guest David Cross made me kind of see the world of comedy I wanted to start doing when I first got to college. And that's Mr. Show, right? Yeah, Mr. Show was like transformative. I feel it was exactly the same way. Back in the day when you would get a VHS tape that someone got off an HBO of Mr Show and you would be like man It felt like I think the way people talk about SNL in the late 70s early 80s. Yes, so where they were like Oh, this is cool. Yeah, like when I was growing up with SNL, I always loved it I loved the Phil Hartman's the Dana Carvey's I thought they were so funny, but it didn't feel like punk rockin cool

It just felt like so funny. It was like a video tape viral. I mean, it sounds so old. You're totally right. People would give you a video tape and you and your friends would be like, we are going to watch. And now we're in on it. Yes, totally. It was very, and I know all the sketches, like we could have gone on and on. So he's great and, and, and helpful and voice of an angel. Yes. And well, he's also got his own podcast called Senses Working Over Time. Also at Headgum, a Headgum production.

I was on that. Check it out. He's got some great guests. He has a lot of fun. David is unthinkably funny and he's worth a listen. And Jake, I have, I mean, look, the show is evolving. The show we admit we admit that the show is it's it's a growing piece. We're never finished. It's a lot. It's a lie. It's a lie. Which is why I think we call our guests.

Are you ready? Yeah. This came to me on a plane nap today., today? Yeah. Oh, this is hot off the presses. This is hot off the plane. So you have a name for what our guests will be or what the callers? Our guests. Okay. So our Monday guests. So when we intro them, we go, like David's on, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And I go, David's here. I go, hey, all right. You got, you know, you got Jake as always. You got Gareth. We're all right, you got you know, you got Jake as always you got Gareth We're here to help you but today we also got and the name of this person is our guest helper Wow

Good setup. Yeah. No, I think that it's uh, I think it's good. I mean, I don't know That was the realization on the nap. Yes. No, hold on just yeah, I think that it's, I think it's good. I mean, I don't know. That was the realization on the nap time. No, hold on just. Yeah. I think they are against helper. Do me a favor. Can you reset? Yes.

Cause I kind of feel the energy. Okay, yes. I don't feel it. Yeah. Oh no, you're talking about Kevin's energy. No, I'm talking about the energy overall in both of your areas. Now question before we do it.

I don't really think i have one question before i don't think i'm opening it's not kind of one of those things it's more of a statement please let us have a question all right one each how would you like the reaction to that bit to be all right kevin did you hit turbulence during this idea like did you wake up from a dream yeah and how much drinking i have a question i have a question to your questions. Yeah. Do you like to hurt friends? No. Okay. No. Today we're welcoming our guest helper. Yeah! Yes! Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a great guest helper, David Cross from Show! How's this? Mike, check, check, check, Mike, check. That's pretty good, thank you. Hello, how are you doing?

Oh hey, wow. Hey, you're on with David Cross. Hello, David. David, I'm sure you don't know the intro necessarily of this show, but if you wanna take a stab at it, or I could do it, it's up to you. What's the name of the show? It if you want to take a stab at it, or I could do it. It's up to you What's the name of the show called? We're here to help Posters behind you if you need a script

We're here to have He's like in the headphones behind you if you need a script Oh Yeah, gareth Reynolds and Behind you if you need a script. Oh Yeah, garroth Reynolds and Jake Johnson as a microphone Call you on the air. We're here to help Wow, is that right? Is that that is exactly? Shit, is that right? Is that that is exactly?

Do we use that as an alt? Honestly, that might have gorgeous. We might have if we have the rights Well the cats out of the bag you have Jake you have Gareth and we have an awesome guest someone who Jake and I are Huge fans of the host of senses working overtime and many other projects obviously. David Cross is joining us. And a cat. I'm a cat. Yeah and a cat. Yep. David is a cat and there'll be no questions about that. Can we get your name, your age and where you're calling from please? Yeah I'm from Minnesota. That's obvious. Sam. Okay. Sam is my name and I'm 42 about. Wow. Sam, what are you?

You sound, I gotta say you sound around 44 or 45. Is that, are you fudging the numbers on us or is that? I stopped counting about seven years ago so I'm not really sure honestly. Well, I disagree because you know that it's seven years ago. So it sounds like you did. So you're 49. You can't fight that early? I think David is in the account Sam if we have to pick up I mean David is right technically

Okay, Sam 42, Minnesota. There's a slight accent. I detected. What are you calling about? What can we help you with today? Well, I've been working at the same company now for around 20 years and for much of that I've been having lunch every day noon to one with the same couple co-workers and we get along great you know great chemistry they laugh at my jokes sometimes I laugh at their jokes it's a really good dynamic sure recently a couple months ago this new guy I'm just gonna call him Eeyore for to protect his privacy you're calling him Eeyore sitting with us yeah yeah I mean I don't want to say his real name. Sure.

Just a crazy fake name, but keep going. He's a real negative person. He brings the conversation down about two octaves. We just don't know what to do about it, you know? He complains about his boss. He complains about work. He complains about the 401k. He complains about the lack of bonuses that we get or the poor, poor raises every year.

And it's just, we don't want to talk about work at lunch. We just want to have fun, share memes, tell jokes, have a good time. But this guy, he's just like constantly saying stuff that just brings us down. It's just the real, he's a real Debbie down there. I don't know what to do about it. Oh man. I would be right next to him like we need a union. Yeah. So Sam, you eat lunch with the same group. You're having fun

You guys have been doing this for 20 years this new kid Eeyore comes to the group He's really changing the vibe. Is that where we're at? Yeah, he's just like completely bringing us all down Has anybody addressed it at all even in a kind of a passive aggressive way or just kind of brought up in the But he addressed it at all, even in a kind of a passive aggressive way or just kind of brought up the constant negativity? With him, yeah. I mean, some members have kind of got heated when he starts complaining. They say, you know, you got to stop talking about work. We're at lunch here.

But he just, he still shows up every day. And we didn't invite him. He just kind of started having lunch with us. He must have heard us laughing and thought, oh, this is a good group to hang out with and bring down. So where did where did your use to sit? I think he used to eat at his desk, but then he thought he's coming I'm gonna go make friends this is gonna be hard because what we're gonna do is we're gonna pitch on how to Alienate a guy who's a weirdo looking for friends. I kind of wish Eeyore was calling yeah

Yeah, because we are now we're the bullies. Sam, I hate to say it. You don't seem like it, but you guys are the cool table. Dave, go ahead. All right, I got an idea that is not bullying, but perhaps he'll take a hint or something. But if you guys predetermine each day at lunch, or the day prior, you guys should have some sort of kind of game or something

that isn't just people sitting around talking about their day or talking about this and that. So something that will preoccupy all of you. Like this is a bad example, but dominoes or something that three, four, five people can play so that you're focused on this thing, even if it's cards, poker, whatever the thing is, apples to apples, I don't know, but something that it won't allow for his negativity to get in there. And if he's trying to shoehorn it in, he'll realize this isn't working and maybe he'll

be dissatisfied and go fuck up somebody else's day. Yeah, which is really your best case scenario, probably, is for him to go pollinate at another table. Hey Sam, so is the question, how do we get Eeyore out of the table? Or what's your exact question we could help you with? Because we got the setup, Eeyore's annoying, but what's the official question? Yeah, we just don't, we don't want to come right out

and say don't sit with us Because you know, we're fairly nice people But we we don't want them to sit with us. We want him to go somewhere else or just you know, right And we thought about switching up our lunchtimes Let's start meeting at 11 and then when we get up to leave he'll come and see us leaving and Kind of get the hint, but we just don't want to come right out and say, you know, you're not welcome here. Sorry, it just doesn't work. I got a pitch.

Okay, go. Negative times a negative is a positive, correct? So I think it is. Okay. So yeah, so here's what I say you do. Next time he comes to the table, you out negative him. Before he sits down, you each have three complaints. When he sits at the table, Sammy, you're bitchin',

the other guy's bitchin', the other guy's bitchin', so you try to out-bitch him so he does not have a social role. If he's kind of a weirdo who just wants to sit at his desk, he comes, his role at the table is to go like, can you believe the 401Ks? Can you believe this? And then whatever he says, you go, yeah role at the table is to go like, can you believe the 401 case? Can you believe this? And then whatever he says, you go, yeah, we just talked about that.

Exactly right. And you go, we're there. And then you could go like, well, what else? And then when he goes like, well, how about the vacay- you go, hold on. And somebody goes like, the vacation. Do all his bitches so that he goes, I just didn't have much to say at the table. You take his role away from him so that he then has to be the positive guy Yeah, we could give that a try. He might out negative us. Well, let's keep going then you start bitching about permafrost

Yeah, I hate permafrost But what do you think of that as an idea of going negative on top of his negative and if he starts going negative You just steamroll and talk over him. So he has to go like, fuck, these guys bummed me out. I like that. I got another one. How about this? The next time he bitches, right, one of you just takes the napkin, wipes your mouth clean, throws it down, and goes, I just can't handle this anymore.

Oh. And walks away emotional, and then the rest of you go, look, Tom's going through a really tough time, so we're trying to keep it light around lunch right now. Then the next day, see if he comes over, and he realizes he can't do that anymore because of one of you, not all of you. Or one of you take plan two sick days, right? And then you say, oh, you know what?

Gary quit. He was inspired by what you had to say. And he quit. And he's he and his family, they're looking for work. Times are tough, but great job. Yeah, you've really. So we've got some options before we get to you on this one, Sam. I got one more. Go ahead.

All right. He starts doing it. One of you makes the shush mouth lips. Wait, who starts doing it? You know, starts getting negative. Man, the 401 it. One of you makes the shush mouth lips. Wait, who starts doing it? ER starts getting negative? ER starts going, man, the 401k. One of you does the shush mouth and points to the ceiling. Like they're listening. Yeah, but actually go plant something.

Go to Radio Shack. Minnesota's the last state that has Radio Shack. Go to Radio Shack. It's one of the largest economic drivers in Minnesota. Go to Radio Shack and it's one of the largest economic drivers in Minnesota, go to Radio Shack and get a mic looking thing, put it up there, a place that nobody would have really noticed. And then do Garret's.

That's a fun pit. That's a good one. Because then he's gonna go like, huh? And then you go like, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. They're everywhere. And then he's gonna, either he's gonna go like, oh fuck, I need to be at my best behavior, or he's gonna Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh, It's either big brother or he's like you're out of your way your lunch just got better. Yeah, Sam Where are you kind of at me too? So Sam, where are you kind of at with these ideas?

He's the kind of guy in company meetings will raise his hand to complain to upper management So I don't think the mic idea he would probably actually start talking more into the mic Well, that's could be funny for you guys then Entertaining he's talking to us the ceiling it does get funnier if he thinks he's talking to the boss yeah through the ceiling all right so but what else so keep going Sam I do like the idea where we just you know say saying we can't be negative at this table you know Joe is going through a really tough time he just lost his wife and dog. Well, let's wait. Why both?

That's gilding the lily at me. Why don't we start with the dog? A big dog. Dog or wife. I don't know if you need both. Dog and wife. What happened? Were they in a car crash?

It was a crosswalk. We know how much he loved his dog. You can't be negative. He lost his wife, his dog, every relative on both sides of the family. Switch it up. Just go, he lost his dog, also his wife, but the dog is really.

His house exploded last night. He came into work after his wife died? Yeah, the guy loves the company. His dog ate his wife and then had digestive problems. You've heard it a billion times. So Sam, do you think you're gonna, would you then pull him aside before lunch and say like, hey man, we just gotta tell you,

we gotta keep lunches really positive. Yeah, yeah. I would do the dramatic walk away. I would find the best actor of the group, which Sam, I love you. I don't know if it's you. But find the best actor of the group and say the second he starts harping for a minute, the napkin wipe, the throw down, and I can't do this today. And the walk away.

What do you think, Sam? You going to do it? And the rest you can. I think that would be a good plan B if the first one doesn't work out and I think I can hold on pal What is the first one? What is plan a plan? It was just a you know, tell them about the dog and the wife. Okay, let's let him win here So you're gonna start there if that doesn't happen then a guy's gonna dramatically throw his towel down and say his wife and dog died Yeah. Yeah, so Sam we're gonna get outta here. We hope you do that move,

and what we've learned on this call is that David has the voice of an angel. An angel. So is there anything- And might have just done our intro. Can you sing us out with any last advice, David? Sam, we were here to help, we hope it worked. If not, goodbye.

Thank you, Sam. Take care. All right. I'll give you advice. Thanks, guys. This episode is brought to you by Babbel. Jake, you know what Babbel is. Babbel,ble a language app helps you learn foreign languages 10 minute lessons handcrafted by over 200 language experts to help you start speaking a new language in as little as three weeks and it's designed by real people for real conversations. the babble as opposed to just trying to learn the language on your own is the speech recognition technology. Which is crazy. Which is crazy because it helps you figure out the accent because it's one thing to learn the words of another language but if you sound like an utter maniac and you sound like a weird robot no one's gonna buy it. But if you can actually learn accents to where you're speaking the language,

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You got the voice of a goddamn angel. I just go back to how has nobody just gone, hey, dude. Yeah, I know. That would be, I mean, completely what- That's the first thing you would do. In Minnesota, though, they're like, just tolerate it. Die slowly inside. Wait, they're on.

Oh, hello, caller, are you there? We're not talking about the last call. We're focused on you. Hi. Hi, how are you? Hi.'re not talking about the last call. We're focused on you. Hi Well, welcome to the Podcast you have Jake as usual you have me as usual and you have the amazing David cross host of senses working over time. Yeah, you like that. You're tickled already. So are we?

Yes, well listen, we're pretty much guaranteed success. We've already knocked one problem right out of the park. Have you seen the documentary Tickled? I'm in that documentary. Are you? Very quickly. Oh wow, it's amazing. I think top five. What's the premise of it? It's one of those great documentaries.

And man, we'll get to you in one second, sorry. Just a pin. It's one of those great documentaries where it starts out as one thing and ends up like what? There's so many what the fuck moments in it. The absurdity. It's crazy. Truly. Fun. Yeah, it's great.

The tone is hard to even explain. And you're really in it? Just quickly, because the dollop did an episode on it and that prompted David Ferrier, the director, to end the interest that was generated from that episode made him be like, oh, I'm gonna keep calling this. So he just plays a snippet at the beginning of us talking. I love a documentary that changes premise.

Yeah, it's like in that kind of capturing the freebies way. Yeah, totally. It's a documentary about party clowns. And then you go like, no, no, no, second half turns. It is a threat. But also, using that as an example with the title tickled I do feel like this will be less fun in the second half. It's crazy. It's great. Okay, it's bonkers How tickling sometimes hurts to yes

That's the back. All right, let's get to our can we get your can we get your name, please? Yes, my name is Larissa Larissa. Where are you calling from Larissa? I'm calling from Missouri Missouri about about how old are you? 39 39 and when's the big birthday to get to four zero? It's August 25th. You're gonna do anything fun. I'm going to be moving to New York. Yeah Yeah! Right before it. So, yeah. I think so.

That's a big move. That's a good move. So, 40, you said, fuck Missouri, I'm going to New York. You want city. And you're going to Buffalo. Yes. All right. Detroit, New York, represent.

Udica. I'm going to represent, I'm going to represent. I'm going to Albany, right? Big city. Larissa, what are you going to do in New York? I am a writer, so I'm going gonna write and probably work a bunch of other jobs What do you know where you're what area you're moving to? Um, not Albany. I'm gonna I'm gonna move to New York City Do you know what we're on what part of New York? Well, I'm subletting from an old friend from college

So I get to live in the East Village Nice there and then I probably went after that East Village. Oh nice. And then that's probably Brooklyn after that. Well, starting in the village is nice. You'll be able to walk everywhere. Yeah. It's a really nice start. All right, Larissa, what's the... I'm thrilled. You should be. It's a big move. Well done at 40. What is the, what's the question today?

Well, my question is actually I'm from, um, Chicagoland and I'm writing a story about a phenomenon called the Chicago rat hole. I don't know if you know about this. The Chicago rat hole? There's a neighborhood called Roscoe Village on the north side of Chicago. Sure, I know Roscoe Village. That's kind of a, okay, you know.

And it's a little bit sleepy and cute and always has been. And they have had for like 20 years, a rat hole or squirrel hole indentation in the ground. Like a rat died. It looks literally, we're looking at it right now. Wait, it's just one. One. It looks like one big rat.

It's a rat hole in the cement ground, but it looks like a cartoon. Yeah. Like a cartoon ran through a wall. Yeah. Like a loony tune rat. It ran through the ground, but it just looks like a kind of a fat bottomed rat with a big tail. Yeah. Okay. Which is what you were called when you were in Chicago, yeah, it ran through the ground, but it just looks like a kind of a fat-bottomed rat with a big tail. Yeah. Okay.

Which is what you were called when you were in Chicago, wasn't it? Still am. When you got home. Fat-bottomed rat. With a big tail. With a big tail, I wish. I might get told with a big nose I've never been told.

I mean your story. Okay, good, good. Okay, so keep going, we're intrigued. So my problem is I posted, like, you know, on my social media, like, looking for sources to comment on it. And I have a source that was like, not everyone works with, like, cryptically. I guess he lives, like, very near it. And basically, he said the raffle, like, belongs to them and everyone that's coming to it is an asshole. And like he hates it for the same reason. The rest of the world loves it.

He's because he lives there. He's upset that it's going to bring more people. Yeah, it's going to turn it into a like living above tears. The question is, how do I respond to this guy? Ah, OK. So then he then emailed you this. OK, is that as? Yeah. Yeah. Please don't publish this guy. Ah, okay. So then he then emailed you this. Okay. The email is... Yeah, yeah.

Please don't publish this article. We don't want to give it any more air. It's not dying down. It gets worse and worse with every news story, article, etc. I understand you're just doing your job, but we don't want to tell our side of the story. We've told our side and nobody listens. Lots of people think the rat hole is great because it brings quote people together, but it was already bringing people together.

It was a cute little feature of our community for decades. Now that it was discovered, it's being used to sell t-shirts and Etsy goods and trashing the community it was already a part of. Of all the events, ads, posts, etc. that have taken place over the last few weeks, only two groups asked us if they could film or post something. That's it! Everybody else just poured alcohol and garbage all over a family neighborhood because they thought it was funny.

Oh, they're giving alcohol to the rat and garbage to the rat. It's like to my homies. Oh, wow. They're giving it garbage. Putting trash on the sidewalk for the rat. We've been cut by broken bottles while cleaning up our yard. Come on now. Our families are woken by people chanting at night.

To the rat! Screamed at by people drinking in front of our house forced to pick up soggy food so it won't attract more rats and physically threaten. I assure you, all the people who quote, live in the neighborhood end quote, who love the attention, don't live next to it. I wish people to have fun, and some are,

but for every cute piece of art that took time to craft left at the rat shrine, there are about a dozen pieces of trash and ads. Respect him for admitting some of it's cute. Yes, he admits some of it's cute, and we finally heard rat shrine, which is something I didn't think I'd hear for a while. So what we ask is to take pictures and move on.

Go drink at a bar down the street and support the community even. Parenthetical, I don't even really mind the coins because they don't rot, smell, block the sidewalk or make noise. He likes when you leave money. Yeah, like a rat. That's what people used to do for years and we loved it.

We could sit in our house and hear people giggle and we all knew they discovered the rat, but now everyone has discovered the rat, so the only thing left is to exploit it for social financial gain. So please don't publish this article. Don't glorify the trashing of a community. Just move on.

End of official statement. Yeah, okay, now we got it a little bit. All right. David, first thoughts. Well, I would suggest is Hey, buddy, but whatever his name is, you know, hey rat I am going to Publish this it is not going to be a glorification

I Plan to talk about the negativity that some people in the neighborhood feel also. I'm moving to New York in August, so suck it. Suck it. Suck rat ass. I think that honestly, this guy is great fodder for an article. Yes, I agree. If I were you, I would title the article something like, people are making a trip to rat mecca, dot dot dot, but a community weeps inside. And you could set up all the exposition

of the rat that you're talking about, because that is interesting. But then really make this guy and the community a feature of the downside to it. Let's bring this conversation all the way back around to Tickle, the documentary that starts one way, and you're like, oh, it's about this way. Yes. And you're like, oh, it's about this. And then it takes a dark turn. No, it's about this.

Yes, because yes, it is on the surface, a seeming kind of cute little funny thing. But I think I think we're getting to something really fun here, Lewis, and that is it starts with the rap thing and then it turns. And that is there are rules when you visit the fucking raps. Social construct hours Oh, guess what your hours matter to don't leave food because it brings real rats do leave coins Because the people in the neighborhood like to get the money. The community suffers under the rat Don't drink all night, but if you want to go and have a glass of wine do it early. Yeah, Chardonnay or a

Don't break don't leave a bottle for the rat. Yeah goober. Yeah, what happens is it breaks bottles? so I would say I think our tickled advice is right and Maybe the end of the article is you do a favor to this community and to this man and about a block and a half Away, you put a weird little ferret in the concrete and try to create a little ferret area. But live. A live ferret. It's just head.

It has a sticking out. Living ferret and concrete. Yeah. But Larissa, I think we're kind of onto something fun here. And that is, so your basic article is about the backstory of the rat hole? The rat story. Yes. It's like the stud-t the backstory of the rat hole the rat story? Yes It's like the studs turkeling of the rat hole story It's all of these different voices like there's like those people got married there the person that tweeted it like it's all interesting

All all great first however you want people to go below the fold and go wait Let's go tickled on this and I haven't even seen it But now I think I know what tickled is gonna happen and that is... Nah, I don't think you're right. Well, I know that it turns. And so I think your article has to turn and the turn is people are becoming fucking rats and they're ruining this little neighborhood because what rats do to a neighborhood is they first come in and it's fine and you go, oh, we had a rat and then they get bigger and they're disgusting and they eat through the wires and they get...

And social media is feeding the rats. It's fun when a rat comes into your neighborhood. I'm just trying to get out of the call. Oh, it's fun. It's fun. Well, we all celebrate the first few rats. You know, if you see a little mouse. It's validating.

If you see a little mouse. A vast difference between a mouse and a rat. Yes, yes, without question. I had a lot of mice in my house over the last summer and it wasn't that big a deal, got rid of them. If we had. Oh, the rats. If we had rats, that's a whole different story.

I lived in Bushwick and we had rats in the kitchen. And there was two rats fighting under my sink. It was one of the more depressing life moments I had out in my 20s, sitting at my computer, writing in my little dorky Jake's writing folder, thinking I was Bukowski. The fight between these rats was so intense and they were so big that I didn't even get up.

I was like, I'm not even gonna go in there and try to get them out. I just sat there and put my head down until like the battle of these gladiators finished. Just one die. Yeah. gladiators finish one die. Yeah, they neither one rat punched the other rat uppercut so hard that he went flying up into space and then came down in Chicago.

Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha How did he know the legacy? So Larissa, what do you think about having your article not only address this, but pay respect to this point of view? And that is, this is a cute thing in this neighborhood, but people are going too far and it's ruining the neighborhood. And the title of the piece is, please don't publish this article! And then people will go, what?

And they'll read enough. And it's about how this is a cute thing that's getting popular and by getting it popular, it's actually ruining it. And people are destroying the neighborhood. I think if you want to talk to your acquaintance about it, just let him know that like, or let her know, whoever, that you want

to give voice to the community that is suffering under the wreck. And also, and I'm being serious here, I would write a response that does not require a further response. I would write kind of a statement saying, this is what I'm going to do, I appreciate all this, you've given me a lot to think about. I am completely sympathetic to your point of view and thank you very much. Yeah.

And then write your article. What do you think, Larissa? I think we've given you some solid takes on this. Yeah, you have a good take. But where are you at? I really like this and if this hits the air, it almost does like a double public service Yeah, anyone who goes there will be more respectful. I think that's what they're frustrated with. Yes

I think that's where you need to be rattle rules And I think it's the same thing like I am glad I didn't respond in anger and waited Yeah, great is great. And so I think we're kinda outta here unless we've got a song man. He did it. He was saying, we got a song man, not a song man. We've hired a man to say it.

We've got a man with the voice of a goddamn R&B angel, which is a new discovery. You didn't know David and no David as I honestly when it started I thought he was gonna be doing a bit of like a silly voice and when it started there were no jokes I thought I'm in one of the best voices of all time So we're gonna we're gonna go out on this one and say you're in good shape if there's anything from our song man And if not, no pressure, Yeah, I'm gonna save it up Yeah, respect well, then Gareth You're our new song man. It's really great

And thank you for passing I love Hollywood scraps, and we know that Gareth honestly doesn't have a bit funny voice He has a beautiful one. Thank you, and we know that he can go high when he really hits it Well doesn't do it as a bit about this try this hard. Tell me anymore funny voice. He is a beautiful one. Thank you. And we know that he can go high when he really hits it. Well, doesn't do it as a bit. How about this? Try this. Tell me any more. Let me just figure it out. So Larissa, hear this little tale about rats. David is so propped to.

Let's hear it. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. An author looks for the right place to write. A community is suffering while they fight Someone has to step in and help Not Jake and I, but someone else Come on Larissa, fulfill your fate And let the people know about the rat hate Come on Cap'n it do what you will and we hope the article will fit the

communities bill Can you do one thing where beautiful Thank you for coming. Garrett, pretty good. My pleasure. Thank you. Yes, thank you, David. Good luck out there, Lerner. Let us know.

Send us the article. I will. All right. Appreciate it. Bye. Bye. Jake, we are also brought to you by Aura Frames. Aura Frames are basically digital picture frames that allow you to share and display unlimited photos.

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Oh, Jake, don't. The challenge. Jake, don't. Jake. Now let me pitch you something that you might not be as excited about, but others might, friends. Oh, I'll tell you what I am excited about. Golden, don't. Jake, don't. Now let me pitch you something that you might not be as excited about, but others might. Friends. Oh, I'll tell you what I am excited about.

Golden Girls. Yes. Without question. Without question. One of the best pilots ever written. Best pilots ever made in TV. A show I grew up that loving Martin. Don't even.

That was truly. So look, if you can't get enough of TV Then there's no better way to watch file. Oh, like we said has more than 70 channels BtM TV AMC You've got a free seven-day trial. So listen Jake may I please all right sign up today at philo.tv slash Gil sent me that's philo.tv Slash Gil sent me to get 50% off your first month Gil view cap. Oh really just got him on the periphery Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. This next part is a chat that Jake and Gareth have with David Cross when he enters the studio. Please enjoy.

SketchFest. Yes. Yeah. I actually did with Bob, which was fun. And I know you know Bob well. But I mean, we've met. You'll love him. But Bob is I've heard great things.

Yeah. Mr. Show to me and like that's another one I've heard. I've got to check out. You heard great. It's so good. Heard good things. But I finally did. I was with Bob and Sam Fran and we did like this like great meet.

I'm sure you've been to that Chinese restaurant. He that he always goes to its catch house in Nanking. Yes Yeah, but then Bob did the wild thing where we were about two miles from the hotel and we were all there You know everyone's kind of whatever Bob wants to do we finished eating then he goes shall we walk back to the hotel? And everyone was like we could also uber and he was like, oh, come on. Let's walk good for him I'll get up these mats. I do. I'm the same way. And I appreciate it.

Yeah. Everybody was sweating. We had like Edelstein in the group. We got a guy who's like, you know, a big fella. I have photos of him on the hill where Bob's looking forward and he's just going like this to me. Good for him. It was.

Unable to talk when you're walking with the guy who can't talk anymore. And also the group had like levels. Like there were like people in the deep back where you're like, should we wait for him. It was, man, it was great. Unable to talk when you're walking with a guy who can't talk anymore, we're like, this is bad. And also the group had levels. They were people in the deep back where you're like, should we wait for him? And Bob's like, we know where we're going. And I'm like, the group is so divided. Can you Uber me to Bob?

Yeah. But also, seriously, thanks for coming in the day after Toby Keith passed. I know that's probably our few to compartmentalize. Well, I mean, you know, I appreciate you bringing that up because I had him down for several weeks later and... Yeah. And then when the news came, it was, you know, it's mixed emotions. Obviously.

You know? Because, I mean, I'm out, my square was, I think it was March 2nd. Yeah, so you were close to hitting it. I'm out about 2,500. Yeah, it sucks, I know, unless we. And now I gotta deal with that while I do this. Yeah, I know. Well, push it out, but if it takes ya.

Yeah, yeah, oh. No, I mean, will we? You also know you're a huge fan. Mm-hmm, I had a, oh no, I mean you know we're a huge fan mm-hmm he I had a Oh, no, I'm thinking of Lee Greenwood's god bless USA, but I had a remix There's a this is for real I used to do some bit that ended with god bless the USA like playing it mm-hmm and They put out after 9-ele, hit the 9-11 remix,

and it's got like an extended opening of the same kind of tinkly piano, and it has audio of survivors or various people, not survivors, because they're not in New York or the Pentagon, so they're all like folks out on, I just think it's the worst thing in the world and God bless America and God's looking out for us and we're gonna show them what's what you know and this is all over the the

Opening coda of the song and then it starts playing and then they bring it in again with people just you know Loving God and after one of the worst disasters That we faced, and we meaning white people. Yeah, white Americans. Yeah, yeah, and I was so rough for white Americans. I was hard. Yeah, and I remember getting out in the street

saying White Lives Matter. Yeah, no, I know, but you were doing that a lot. I still do that, I have a sign also that says. That was your special, the first special after that was called White Lives Matter. White Lives Matter, yeah. How'd that do? It didn't do great, right?

It was really, yeah. No, I mean. It had found an audience. It did, I mean, I didn't, it's one of those things, it's a labor of love and. Fashion project. You know, and I made it for, just for the folks at the McMurdo station in Antarctica, which I think has like 102 people or whatever. So it was just for the folks at the McMurdo station in Antarctica,

which I think has like 102 people or whatever. So it was just for them. I only, I asked, obviously it's for a small group of people. I want to make my money back, so I charged them $12,412 each. I wanted to model. Yeah, yeah. And so it didn't, yeah.

I mean, yes and no. But when you mix business with art, it does get tricky. That, yeah. And so it didn't, yeah. I mean, yes and no. But when you mix business with art, it does get tricky. That's the thing about it, you know? Hey, talk to Yoko Ono. Yeah, agreed. She's been on the show. Did you bring that up? Yeah, it did not, it went bad.

Really? Yeah, everything, every part of the show went pretty poorly. It wasn't a win. Did she take it personally or? Who's to say with her? It was hard to tell. I think we were part of her art installation, to be honest. We weren't sure what was she was doing a different show Hmm the whole time, but I real quick. I did think after Toby Keith died about

The mr. Show bit with hey, mr. Monkey. Don't be asking Here's the premise of this we take calls we've never heard the call either So here's the premise of this. We take calls. We've never heard the call either. So the three of us are gonna hear for the first time. It's our job to make the call have a beginning, middle, and end. You can do it every one.

So if you wanna pitch real advice, joke advice, whatever you feel like doing, you wanna go in. And people have called in and they email. Oh, they're gonna be live. No, it's live. Oh, no kidding. Yeah, so we can dig. So we get emails to the show.

Kevin pre-calls them a little bit. Okay, great. But earlier on the show, I was a part of that and I knew what the calls were. Okay. And then we realized it's more fun where we know nothing. Yeah, yeah, sure. So everything about that's gonna happen,

the three of us are now in it together. Yeah, great. And then the headphones, you're gonna need those to hear them. And that's it. Great. And we'll do a better intro when the episode comes out. We'll intro your pod in anything you want. Is it, what if, can I not wear the headphones and then you

just repeat the question to me? Word for word? It's gonna take, I mean it's gonna add some time to the episode. It'll be a disaster. I mean again, content's king. So I mean you can trust them. Appreciate you putting those on on you ever had headphones before Thing I didn't so the way they didn't expect to be help Help it for you. You just open like David. You're knocking on the door again. Okay like this wait Don't snap them right so hands on these hands on these open fingers out Yeah, they're gonna go to your ears and then go like this There you go. So take a close close

Now the sounds coming in here. This will probably Hello is this what I sound like yeah, oh my god, I bet you haven't heard yeah. Hello Yeah. Oh my god. It's odd that you haven't heard. Yeah. Hello. Yeah, man. Oh my gosh. How do I turn this off? Biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. And the associate producer and editor is AJ McKee. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakeo. And our video editor is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at oliverraleigh.com.

That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com. The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to garethrentz.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland, you can find them on Instagram at paddyholland2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash

your to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.