We're Here to Help - 76: Bathroom Trash is Private with Hannah Simone

Episode Date: May 6, 2024

Jake, Gareth and special guest Hannah Simone talk to callers about getting called out for being too high by the neighborhood kids and a mother-in-law seeing some private toys. Later, the guys chat with Hannah about her early days as an actor and behind the scenes at New Girl. Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] (Early Access, Bonus Calls and Q&As): Patreon.com/HereToHelpPodVIDEO: Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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And we are back! All right. Jake. Jake. Garrett. Just talking about, what story should I regale people with in the intro, man? There's so many options. Yeah, you were talking about it for sure.

Yeah, and that's a good way of putting it. We have a special one today. We really do. For you, for me. Yeah, for the audience, I hope. For the audience. Something that I didn't realize about our guests She told Kevin and after we were texting and she told us she doesn't do podcasts now

She does her own when she does a huh from new girl. You knew her as Cece Miss Hannah Simone joins the podcast yep crushes it like she always does, and then we have a great chat afterwards, which was really fun to do. Yeah, there was a lot I did not know. Same with me. Yeah, it was very interesting. It was really fun to talk to her, she's really fun on it, so for the New Girl fans, I think it will be a treat,

and I know it was for me. And for me. And for you. Again, I know that I make everything about myself, but she, in the Brian scene, yeah, we were all working together that day on new girl I don't think Hannah was she was there. Is that true? Yes, it's true I tried to bring that up, but you guys are talking about all the other episodes Yeah, but you know, there's did she and I'm not saying this to be mean

We're now back to making it all about you what it should be about. Yeah, it is about Hannah No, what a great person. What a about Hannah. It is about Hannah. No. What a great person, what a great chat, what a great episode. Did she remember that she had done a scene with you? I don't think that anyone was picking up on that strongly. I don't either. I thought the scene was just you and me and LaMourne directing.

No. No, because we were at a daycare. Yes, I remember that. Yes, and she, and I had a call with Max. So if you want to know the truth, Jake, on that day, LaMourne was directing, you and I were acting, Hannah was there too, and Schmidt and Brian had a call. But the most important character from the show,

Zoe, you did not interact with. No, but- And that's why history forgot you. No, that's a wrong thing to say. Anyway, she's great. She's really great. It's a great episode. We're happy to have her.

Yeah. Watch, subscribe. Yeah. Click the link below. Click the link below if there's a link. If you're listening, just try to touch the windshield. Check us out on all the stuff, anywhere your podcast is available.

Yeah, and smash the like button. That's what we, destroy it. Everybody international, once I did the, oh, also, Kevin, you have something you wanna add. Yes, everyone, we're so appreciative of all the emails you give us. Does it feel like it with your tone? Two that we're seeing a lot of

that maybe we can mix it up with is wedding advice and prank advice. If that's your first thought, maybe send us your second and you're much more likely to get on the show. Thank you, we love you. And, and you can't. I just got a sense of what it's gonna be like to be Kevin's child. Oh yeah, horrible.

And he's gonna go, you know your mother and I love you very much, but your grades and your behavior are on this house. I'm screwed. Yes. Have been problematic. So let's make an adjustment there. We love you, we thank you. We're gonna take the air out of the basketball and then you can play with it.

We love you and thank you. All right, goodbye. Okay Hannah Simone without further Hi, can we get your name please? Hi, how you doing? Good. How are you? You guys can call me TJ TJ Where you calling from TJ? I'm from Grand Rapids, Michigan. Nice again. And about how old are you TJ? I am 29 years old 29. So TJ you're here with Gareth and I as always but then a Star nice from the show not dead yet But another show that you might know better

that I know her from, Miss Hannah Simone, AKA Cece from New Girl. The old friend is back with us. No way. Yeah. You got Hannah. Hey TJ, hey TJ. All right.

Relax, TJ. So TJ. Hi. He's very excited. I gotta excited. He's moving his collar. You know what it really sounded like? It was, he got a little bit nervous. And he wasn't with the old J.K. Garf. No, nothing.

Still got it, still got it. You still got it girl. Alright so TJ, what's the problem? The floor is yours. What can we help you with? Yeah, so lay the groundwork for you. As you may know, last week was 420. Yes.

And I decided to celebrate. I took a picture of the floor. I took a picture of the floor. I took a picture of the floor. I took a picture of the floor. I took a picture of the floor. I took a picture of the floor. I took a picture of the floor. I took a picture of the floor. I took a picture of the floor. I took a picture of the floor. I took a picture of the floor. What can we help you with? Yeah, so lady groundwork for you as you may know last week was 420

Yes, and I decided to celebrate I took what I consider for me a hero dose of gummies I usually take like 10 to 20 milligrams. They took 150. Oh my TJ to see what happened. So are you calling to say it hasn't stopped yet? To see what happened. So are you calling to say it hasn't stopped yet? Yes, you're so high. That is a wild. That's a lot. One fifty. Yeah.

Are you sure? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, one call. Yeah. What if right now we just look like a gummy bear? He turned into a gummy. Yeah. So here's the problem. All right. So, DJ, on the 20th, you're a guy who lives in the 10 to 15 milligram world of gummies You said I want to take a hero's dose you went a hundred and fifty milligrams. Yes, sir floor is yours

All right, so I went to the bathroom I'm not sure if this has ever happened to you guys But I kind of got like locked in the mirror in the bathroom. I was staring at myself for a while window was open Get the fresh air in there. You know, I wasn't thinking about it. And put in some eye drops, since I saw how red my eyes were. And outside of our bathroom window, you can get, like, we have a yard, kitty corner to us that can kind of see into the window.

And I heard a group of neighbor kids watching me as I was staring at myself in the mirror. This is our first drug call. That surprises me. It might be. It surprises me too. Genuinely shocked. Really? Yeah, I thought this would be the wheelhouse.

I did too. No, Kevin curates it for the guests. What are you trying to say about me right now? Exactly, woman. Slow down, slow down. You're the druggy, not me, mom. Gummy mummy. Oh, what you trying to say about me? Okay, so you got some kids who are looking at you Yeah, and I heard him I heard him talking they're like, oh he's an eyedrop that means he's high like oh, it's 420 Yeah, he's high like oh that man stared at himself for too long. Oh like I dropped to the floor, I closed the curtain.

He's paranoid. I went back to the base. It's not a gunshot. Okay. Okay. No, but I was scared. Okay. I get it.

150 milligrams. Oh yeah. Yeah. So I guess I have a couple of questions. I kind of, I mean maybe it's the drugs, but I kind of feel like I owe them an apology. Is there in a way that- I'll jump in right now.

It's the drugs Yeah, hold on hold on. I'm not even sure there was kids Well, they were they were kids they were dressed like it was the 1880s They were top hats were just trees. Yeah, there was like three trees together. Those were little boy trees. I said, I'm so sorry Okay, so TJ you just so we can catch up to this hallucination So TJ you just so we can catch up to this hallucination You took 150 milligrams. You're looking at yourself in the mirror. Your eyes are fucked up You then see kids looking in the window. They see you you have a panic attack Drop to the floor now. This is wheelhouse

Yeah, the the panic attack the crawl to the basement and then you're now going a couple days later. You sobered up I hope you're feeling back to normal and you go I should say something yes is there something I can say that's not ages of like six and 14. I've seen them around the neighborhood. Six? What time of day did this happen? This is a guy in his 20s. Yeah, well, this was a Saturday.

Please don't approach a six-year-old. By the way, pre-kids to me, if you would have said, if I saw a group of kids and you'd say, how old are those kids? I'd go, anywhere between two and 50. That's right. Honestly, no idea. Are they in school? Kids and you'd say how do those kids I'd go anywhere between two and fifty Are they in school any any school between first grade and graduate school? What about maybe teachers? I don't know. I gotta see all I know is they were kids and they're younger than me That's all I know. Okay, so I need to talk to your six-year-old about what he's talking about

Tripping on drugs, please stay away from these children. So how about how many kids? We're just trying to get we're trying to figure out TJ one of this is Happened and one of this was heightened in the world of 150 milligrams. Yes, sure. What was drug induced? Yeah, maybe drug and they can be seen these children before yes Are they neighborhood kids? Yeah. Yeah, I've seen them like when I I do yard work and they're in their yard, like I'll see them. So you know, I walk my dog around the neighborhood, I'll see them. OK. And do you have the kind of dynamic when you see these kids? Do you say hi? Do you wave?

I'm high. I mean, hi, it's a wave. But that's that's the extent of the interaction. Just a friendly wave. OK. And they saw you. So they're if they knew it was 420 euroneidrops, they're not six. If they're six, those are the coolest six years I've ever heard of in my life. Pass the torture, bro!

But like, so the kids understand weed culture a little bit. So my guess is you're looking at 10 to 14. Maybe 12 to 14. Yeah. So it's a different story than six. Yeah. But these are neighboring kids. Sure, I mean siblings different story than six. Yeah, but these are neighbor I mean siblings like there were some younger ones and they've been with their siblings like a couple couple houses in the neighborhood in the back

you know you were being laughed at from kids because the drugs were on top of you and you're a little bit embarrassed by that yeah. It's okay. All right. This is we're getting a little emotional and that's okay. This is a safe space. No, that's the truth of it. The 150 milligrams are still in my guy. It's yeah, it's it's it's. But I'm with you TJ. I get it. I don't know if you can explain to someone who doesn't take edibles. 150 is insane.

Okay. So the specific question here TJ is if you do drugs by yourself and it gets on top of you and you look at yourself in the mirror and you're seen by neighborhood kids who tease you, do you owe them some sort of an explanation and if so, what? Is that the question? That's my question. Thank you. Thank you. I think it's a great question. It's a great question. And I think it's actually more complicated than you two guys want to make it

Really? Yeah, you guys are both now. Yeah cool, but imagine you've taken drugs and don't pretend you have To happen real talk. Yeah, okay. Good. Jay. No, she's going real time Yeah, real now we're getting real here before everybody gets silly on you I think TJ you got to go like MJ Michael Jackson man in the mirror go back there go back to the mirror Look at yourself dead in the eye be like I'm in my late 20s. I gotta get my shit together talk to that Talk to that guy and finish you know what draw the blinds next time you're talking And you say

Draw the blinds next time. You're talking to six-year-old neighborhood boys and you said go MJ? Yeah. I don't know. You know what? Go over to the house and ask them if they can play with a llama in your yard. Let's get real.

Go to the neighborhood boys, be Michael Jackson, and do what comes natural. Look, I'm going to go next door and pull a Michael Jackson and ask if the six-year-old could spend the weekend with me. It was a man in the mirror reference where you guys went. Where you went went young lady. It's disgusting.

Hi, I took a bunch of drugs last weekend and your children saw me. Can they stay with me for the summer? So TJ, Hannah's first thought is maybe go back in the mirror. That's right. Ask yourself, it's not about the kids, but what's going on. That's right. Ask yourself. It's not about the kids, but what's going on? That's right. Her weird way of getting there was to pull a Michael Jackson in 2024. There's a man in the mirror. That's all. That's all I was saying. There's a lot of man in the mirror. You guys went left. I was looking at the music. You guys were looking at something

else. That's all I said. But she's saying pull a Michael Jackson and ask yourself some questions. Now I'm going to go, the other thing she said before it gets all weird, I'm obviously gonna go all weird because look, I'll be honest, at 29 years old was I eating gummies? You're goddamn right I was. Was it occasionally getting on top of me?

TJ, you better believe it was. Was I looking in the mirror going, hey cowboy, where's the horse? Yeah, because it happens. Yes. Did I ever have moments where I was very embarrassed and I walked to a TJ's, a Trader Joe's, not this TJ, and the drugs were on top of me

and I realized people are staring at me and I'm holding a frozen pizza and I haven't moved in 45 minutes? That happened during new girl So my thing is to you is I Genuinely think you do owe them something what yes, but I don't think it's a formal apology TJ. I think I'm not talking about the kids. Okay, I'm talking about the kids sniffing teenage years who know about 420 who probably do drugs themselves. Okay.

He said six to fourteen. What are you going to say? My pitch is something in this zone TJ. I can't wait. I mean look I don't have a finish. I need help on the finish. I have a start. Alright, walk us through it.

My start would be something of the extent of when you see the older kids there, not the young ones. If you see a six year old, don't pull a Hannah Simone Michael Jackson. Get away from the kids. If they're under 10, let kids be kids. This is twisting. The narrative on this is twisting. Moonwalk away. Oh God. This is twisting. The narrative on this is twisting. Moonwalk away.

Oh, God. Moonwalk away. But we're talking about, if you got the older kids, the kids who knew what you were doing, I think you gotta walk up and go, fellas, the other day you guys saw me in the mirror, huh, doing the eye drops? And they'll go, yeah, and go, sorry, you saw that? I should have closed my blind. 420 got on top of me.

Didn't mean to weird you guys out. Are you sure that they knew you were doing drugs? TJ. Like, are you sure that because you could have just been really high, super paranoid. All you were doing is eye drops in a bathroom mirror. But TJ. It's a tell. we all know you're on Said yeah, I had been there for five ten minutes maybe so if they had been watching them they saw me to Hannah's point it

He took a hundred and fifty milligrams like yeah There's a good chance that the drugs made him think the kids were seeing. So that's what I'm saying. It was probably one kid. So I got a question for you, TJ, now, because we got to get the planet Earth on this one because we could just pitch silly on silly. Do I need to know for real now? Because you said two different things earlier.

You said you heard them say for 20. He's on drugs. I don't want to pitch on something if you just got high and this is paranoid who gives a shit do whatever you want Did you actually hear them or is this you just got paranoid and had a panic attack? If you just got paranoid and have a panic attack, the reality is is 150 milligrams is too much my king Yeah, yeah, let's live in the 25 MGs. Yeah. Because guess what? In your 20s, you got to figure out where you live. You don't live at 150.

Now, if you were that high and you heard a neighborhood 14-year-old go, ah, he got too high. And all the kids laughed and little kids saw a 29 year old your grown-ass man TJ Then there might be something that needs to happen We just need to know what the reality is that happened on 420 so walk us through what really? Happened that night in the mirror on the 150 Okay, so I am in the basement watching a movie, melted into the couch, having a nice time.

Princess Mononoke, Studio Ghibli, animated movie. You're speaking English, right? I just want to make sure. Are you on an edible right now? You just put us all on 150. Every audience member just went, did I eat the fucking edible? Princess Mononoke, Ghibli. Okay, so now TJ. Ghibli, yeah. 150 every audience member just went did I eat the fucking edible?

Okay, so now TJ are you yeah, are you solo tonight? This is the 20th? I'm with my wife Okay, good. Is she she she's over what a lovely women are the best It just is a new theme is just I know What do you do less that when we ordered in and Greg turned into a puddle? How about you? I had a half of glasses of wine. I had a 150. I had a Chardonnay and he called the cops and said that he felt bad about something he did to a teacher when he was eight.

So you take 150 milligrams, she's sober. You guys are downstairs, you guys are watching some movie I'm not even gonna try to pronounce yeah, and then you're melting the color. It's kind of a lovely night No, you having a good time for him for her. It's very yeah, very okay So you guys are both happy then the floor is yours. I had upstairs to use the bathroom Pop the window open get some fresh air. I love it when I'm high Need it Okay, All right.

I use the restroom. There's like a commercial endorsement for air. I should point out, I do have a commercial time with air. Get some air in there. Beautiful, fresh, got air. I love it. Air. That is. I love this stuff. I use air every day. I should point it out.

I stop smoking weed and TJ, you're making me miss it. I agree. It makes you appreciate it. I agree. Like you're like birds. You know what I love? That I have eyebrows. Because the sweat is stopping at an eyebrow. How good is water? Oh, my God. How good is a seatbelt? This is snug.

Well, his wife's like, OK, you open the window. Yeah, I open the window. I use the restroom. I wash my hands and in the sink, I'm staring in the mirror. I don't know if you ever stared in the mirror, like when you're really high or in the rooms, but like you can stare at yourself for a long time. Yeah. And TJ, what are some of the thoughts going on while you were there?

Can you walk us through it? It's just like when you make eye contact with yourself, you're like, well, so, whoa, this is me, huh? Like that in the mirror is me, huh? That in the mirror is me is what other people see, and that's what I'm seeing, but I can't see if I'm not in the mirror. And that person, oh, he's moving. You know, if you had those thoughts, I would tell myself.

Yeah, yeah. No, you're recognizing yourself as being- Okay, it's making me more paranoid. Sorry. No, no, don't be paranoid. Safe. You're in a safe space. So you're looking in, you're seeing me, this is me.

I'm tripping up. Then keep going. Yeah. And then I look directly in my eyes, see how red they are. Eye drops as I like tilt my head back. Cause when I hear the neighbor kid whose yard is like, it's kitty corner, kind of close to us. And that's when I hear them say, Ooh, that he was like staring at himself for a long time. So, oh he's been hurting. His eye drops, it's 420, yeah. Okay, and the kids saying that, now ages are important here, TJ. And I know as a guy in my late 20s, I know it's tricky.

Sorry, you're saying you know because one time you were in your late 20s? Mm-hmm. Because what are you saying right now? Two decades ago. I'm in my late 20s, you geezers. What are you saying? I'm sitting on a couch with a bunch of old people.

I like being around older people. This is my theory is that Jake knew what this call was about and he prepared. Yeah, yeah, I agree. Because he's having a great time. I agree. Jake's melted. Saying some wild things. I'm just 150 milligrams.

That eyebrow thing was a real realization that just happened in front of us. Jake got so high, he's 29. That's right. He's got seatbelts on. Alright, okay. So, there's a big difference TJ, between 6 and 14, right? 14 has gone through puberty, 6 is a baby. So, what were these kids?

The kids you were talking about. And how many? And how many? Because this will change the answer. I don't know how old kids are. Yeah. Fair. But you know, there was a range because like I said, siblings of older kids, the oldest one must have been around 14, 15.

There was a there was a couple little ones. Okay. So I assumed six. When I see little, I assume six. Can I just ask time of day? Yeah. Good question. Six in the evening.

Okay. On Saturday. Yeah. Okay. Okay. And so they start laughing and how does that make you feel, TJ? Yeah, not good. No, never does. I just would like to point out,

we've just sat here and laughed at TJ loudly as he relives his experience. No, TJ, with you. There's a big difference. We're with you, we're team TJ. Yeah, so they laugh and then you TJ freak out. Mm-hmm And yeah, and you drop it like that didn't know what to do He didn't want to make eye contact agreed. They have dropped down real quick

So when you army crawl back to the basement, what does wife say? Do you tell her? Yeah Uh, no, I can't have to process what just happened. His tracks. I tell her after the movie is done. And what do you say? So I told her this, essentially. I wrote it down after so that I could submit this question to you guys after I told it to her.

And what does wife, how does she respond? She questioned me also. She questioned if the kids were there. So good. Imagine. This is the female response. Are you, that's so good. Just imagine. This is the female response. There were his shrubs that moved in the wind because of the air. And then you had a little bit of a panic attack and crawled back to your wife.

Because you are watching a... Am I not wrong that this movie is like a cartoon? Right? So there's like little childreny people in the cartoon. You're 150. It's a lot. This may not have happened. There's a chance.

The way that you think it did and everyone's okay, except for you in this moment, what, which is why we're here to help. I think it's very possible. Listen, there's a lot of possibilities. You're highly inebriated. We're just, you know, it's witness testimony that would be easy to cross examine. Yes. Does your wife know about the the paradox you're in now?

Does she know that you're feeling this way or did you just save it for us? Yeah, not really. Yeah, I guess I was saving it for you guys to help. Because if it if it's not if it didn't happen or if it excuse me if it did happen and I convinced myself it didn't happen and then later on I make eye contact with these kids, you know, like okay I got two pitches. I think this is gonna come down to two roads One leave it. Yep to repeat it. What is going on with you? To repeat it. What is going on with you?

You are. I think it is. Leave it or repeat it. And I think one. I think you just try to have a side segment. Welcome back to leave it or repeat it. All right. Why? Why? I leave it. I get why repeat it. Because there's oh, there's TJ.

There's something on every big drug trip, whatever There's every once in a while something that gets left behind There's a soldier that gets left out there and now you flew home Something happened in that mirror with those kids that fucking spun you out. Hmm. So my recommendation is 25 milligrams. Okay. When it hits, melt on the couch with honey this Saturday, watch a similar movie, the sequel, I'm sure that movie's got nine sequels.

When you're in the second one, go at the same time, set a timer, ding ding ding, go. I need to go to the bathroom, go to the bathroom, look in the mirror, get back to this is me, me, this is me in the mirror, see what the fuck happens. If the kids are out there again, you've already opened the window, you got air, you go, how you guys doing? I'm putting my zine in my eyes because I have allergies. I.

Right, but you got to, you ever seen Flatliners? Boy, not a reference. Any of us expected what this calls. But you got to go back, man. You got to go back to the trauma. How does that movie through the trauma? I think Julia Roberts does. You know what?

You're actually onto something. I know when you're walking around the yard doing your yard work Yes, just to yourself loudly complain about pollen and allergy you have never confirmed to them Yes, that you were high. Okay, they made the jump. Yes, and now just go in there's a rub in your eyes Do I drops in the yard your mr. Allergy your mr. Allergy now do that and that way you don't have to feel paranoid that now you're like the you know The druggy name you could also say the pollens really bad come around yeah, so do that TJ You have and I don't think you need the 25 milligrams to do that so just carry on 10 to 15 guys You know take a hundred see what happens, so TJ. Here's your 200 fuck it Let's see if you can float we have I bet you can levitate we have three Take a hundred and see what happens. So TJ, here's your rule. Do 200. Fuck it.

Let's see if you can float. I bet you can levitate. We have three ideas for you, and then we got to hear what you're actually going to do. One, leave it. Whatever happened in the war, it happened in the war, you're home now. Two, repeat it. And Hannah's saying be five to 10 milligrams, but you can't go back to the jungle on five to 10.

The chopper took you 150. I think you got to go at least 25 I would actually say to you between you and me and nobody else fitting But then get your eyes in those mirrors Lock back in with TJ Weird yourself out. Let the air hit you and if you see those kids you're gonna feel anxiety You open the window you go the fucking allergies are killing me guys three Just become the neighborhood allergy man. Like yeah said that's what I'm saying for Hannah said

Michael Jackson But so those are your real top three TJ become Michael Jackson What do you think you're actually gonna do because this is a tough TJ? Yeah become Michael Jackson become like what do you think? You're actually gonna do is this is a tough one. Yeah, so I probably do too I will repeat it just because that sounds like a fun experiment. Yeah, I agree. Um, but what mg's are you going here? Probably 20 25 maybe like this back. That's gonna be a good a good long stare in the mirror. I think sure Yeah Like, that's going to be a good long stare in the mirror, I think. Sure. Yeah. But I'm also going to lean into the allergies and go kind of with what Hannah said, not

the Michael Jackson stuff, but like the- MG's not MJ's. That's what we say. Yeah. Okay. So you're going to start becoming the neighborhood allergy guy? Yeah. Boy, what an era you're entering.

And then TJ- Hey, nerd. Are you going to sneeze, nerd? I'm high. He has to go back to the other way Calls back how do I become the I gotta put the allergy thing back in the bottle? I don't want to be the allergy nerd. I'm a high guy So TJ when you hit those 20 so 20 to 25 milligrams you're in the mirror. Now put yourself there for a second, okay? You're in the mirror, I'm TJ, TJ's me,

this is how people see TJ, the air feels good, those little kids are on the corner, okay? The older ones. So can you see them in your head right now? Yeah, I got them. What are you gonna say to them? I'm going to like sneeze real out a couple of times and really sell the allergy.

Let's hear it. Yeah. Yeah. Window windows open. So, you know, played up pollens coming in. Oh, maybe maybe two or three bigger than that, probably. I'm in the conference room at work,

so I can't go too big. OK. And then lean out the window. Damn allergy season. Right, guys. work so I can't go too big. Okay, and then lean out the window Sam allergy season right guys TJ I don't know No, I was I got worried about you there. I yeah. Yeah, I got worried about you. Just simplify simplify Just say like pollen muttered under your breath. Yeah, I Okay, I did two weird fake sneezes and then go, hey, allergies. I think lean more in that hand of direction

of over eye dropping whenever you see these kids. That's it. And you can do a little mudder. Think of the long con versus the one strike. Yeah, and so I'm gonna- This is your life now. I'm gonna make an amendment now on what I was pitching you after hearing it,

cause I don't want you in a bad zone. You become Mr. Allergy Man all the time sneezes. Whenever you walk by those kids, literally sneeze and put Visine in your eyes. You could also do a, like, if you see the kid, honey, where's my Allegra? Yes. Claritin, I can't find the Claritin.

Good Lord. Kleenex. What's that? Kleenex. Kleenex, yeah, use Kleenex. We love Kleenex, Gary, we're here to help. So, always have Kleenex. Kleenex. Yeah, use Kleenex. We love Kleenex. We're here to help. So, always have Kleenex with you, but I do also think, man, you gotta go back to the

belly of the beast. I think you gotta go 25 or Moss. You gotta get in that mirror, and that soldier that dropped to the floor, you gotta walk out of that bathroom high. And I don't mean the drugs high. I mean on two feet. Because something happened to you in that panic attack, army crawling down to the basement high and I don't mean the drugs high I mean on two feet because something happened to you in that panic attack army crawling down the basement to your

wife that we got to get you back on two feet you're right something changed me something changed I can do better you can do better guess what you want to how many times young kids have laughed at me couldn't count oh god and you want to wife they had every reason to yeah I was doing something weird, I looked up, some kids were looking at me, they laugh. You just can't fall to the floor and army crawl to your wife. You gotta just, if you're a guy who's taking 150

and having a this is me in the mirror, you gotta walk out of the bathroom with your shoulders up high, right? Everything else is high, get the head held that way. Now we just gotta get you off that army crawl, TJ. Everything else is high get the head held. Yeah now we just got to get you off that TJ but maybe leave the kids alone if they're laughing at you Don't yell out the window at them. Yeah, don't fake sneeze. Yeah, you're allergy. Gosh darn allergies. Am I right? What do you think of that TJ I think that's a plan. I really appreciate you guys talking me through this.

You're a good man. All right, well I had to help. Will you follow up with us after your next session? Yeah, definitely. Cause I want you walking, and I don't want a five milligram or where you're in control of it. That grass has to get on top of you. And then when you're starting to have that panic,

you gotta go like, I am TJ, this is me, I am TJ, this is me in the mirror, and walk out of there, shoulders held high. And worst case, when they're looking at you, just sing Man in the Mirror. That's what I'm saying. Just the music. Thank you, TJ.

Thanks, TJ. Good luck. Thanks, guys. Thanks, buddy. This episode is brought to you by a company that we both use a lot. Yes. And that is DoorDash. DoorDash.

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the gil set me terms. This episode of we're here to help is brought to you by Kleenex ultra soft tissues, your ally to help tackle your allergy symptoms this season. If we are gonna do a sponsor that's going to be a Kleenex, why mess with any brand that's not the brand that is called the thing we use? Yes, I agree. That's cool.

Yes, and they are, when they say ultra soft. Try it. I dare you. I'm gonna tell you, here. Try it. I dare you. I'm going to tell you the reality. I dare you. Everybody in this audience has used a Kleenex. Here's the thing. You know what I really feel? You go. Everybody should have a box of Kleenex.

That's what I was. Yes. And I'm going to tell you why. Uber and Lyft. When I get an Uber and Lyft and I'm in the back and they got the little mints, the little lifesavers and they have a box of Kleenex and I'm able to go. Yeah it in my pocket my first thought is you take a little shower back there, huh? With the hand you do a little hand sanitizer altoid a good JGJ shower I get in the car. I got a big meeting not bad. I smell bad. My breath is bad

I'm a hand you're sure back on I'm actually what is the day I'm taking a JGJ anyway Listen, we we love Kleenex. We have Kleenex all over the studio No, we don't we did before that's somewhere. Well, here's a lot of them. Here's the reality of Kleenex We they are the best of the best we all know it if you're going to use a Kleenex Don't buy an off-brand. Yeah, buy a clean by the one by the that's... Don't get those like weird little packages that come that look like a little sandwich package. And like you said... You have to open weird... And like you said the other time we were talking about it, like enough with the paper towel.

That's just trash. Just yeah. Also Kleenex's ultra soft tissues are hypoallergenic and allergist approved. So for this allergy season, grab Kleenex and face allergies. So for this allergy season grab Kleenex and face allergies and Hello, hi, can we get your name please? Oh my goodness, this is Lake Lake Okay, where you calling from Lake? I am calling from New Jersey, New Jersey And did you ever watch new girl? Can I just tell you that new girl was like my go-to show for a very long time

That's really sweet. And how does that make you feel Hannah Simone our guest? You've got Gareth and you've got Brian the security guard hello. Yes, that's right. You remember Yeah, and then you've got the great reunion. This is the freaking reunion of the Brian. The crowds asking for a reunion. They got it. Let's do the scene. Oh my God.

Yeah. Oh yeah. So like you're acting, I can see very good. Very. What can we do for you? So, I have a situation and when it happened, I said, Derek and Jake are the only people that can help me with this situation. That's bad.

And, and. I mean, I'll show myself out. Thanks for stopping by. But she didn't know, but now you also got Hannah Simone. It would have been weird for her to say it then. If she said, Derek and now you also got Hannah Simone. It would have been weird for her to say it then. If she said Garrett and Jake and actually Hannah Simone. That would have been perfect. That would have been perfect.

Yeah, it would have been perfect. Yeah, it would have been a dream. Okay, so what's going on? I'm so sorry. That's okay. No sorries. So my husband and I have a three-year-old son. Respect.

And a couple weeks ago, my mother-in-law, who I love, was watching our son at our house for us. I think this is probably common with some adults when people come over I sort of just throw everything into my room I don't want anybody in the master bedroom just I will clean where guests will see. So I guess while he was asleep for his nap he took it upon herself very generously to do some chores around the house and our bathroom where on Lake that's out of control it's an out of control chore but I'm excited out of control move by mother-in-law yeah it gets crazier all right let's party anyway, so she went into our bathroom and the door was open and on the ledge in our shower

There were a couple of adult boys There walk us through drying off one of which is a Clone Willie. Oh boy. Oh What it's you mean is that a spin off of Free Willy? Clone Willy?

Can I guess? Clone? It's called Clone Willy. Can I guess? Yeah, guess. I'm gonna guess, and I don't, this guess might be crazy because I don't see the point of it, but it is your husband's penis made into a sex toy. Is that right? You pretty much nailed it.

You have access to it in a mold? You have access to it in penis. I swear to god I feel like my wife would want any other penis. I know. I'm like I got you a gift of my dick again she's like I've had enough of it for 20 fucking years. How about a not Jake dick that'd be fun. Can I also get a not Jake personality and face? Of that I wanna fuck. I'm looking for a clone Willie and just a Willie Willie. Terrible gift for a partner to give another one. But how do you clone? You have to send in a picture.

You gotta send in a mole. It might be 3D. To be fair, we did that for a good reason. When we were dating and we were young and things were fun and we didn't have a kid, he is a state trooper and when he was in the police academy, dating and we were young and things were fun and we didn't have a kid. He is a state trooper. And when he was in the police academy, he was gone for six months. So I was like, so he's gone for a long time. So he's there. I had a good reason for doing that.

OK, I got you. He left. He left a little piece of himself. May I ask, why is the clone Willie out now? All these years later, when you have access to him? Because his personality is terrible, but he's got a great cock I can't after the kid. I can't fuck this guy What an honor yeah The floors you're so there's a clone Willie drying in the shower.

And my mother-in-law saw it. And that means that she saw his cock. And then what happened? Well, so she made a comment like, oh, I took out the trash for you guys. And she had taken out the trash that was in her bathroom and sort of said it was like a slow like, uh, some other stuff in there. And so I just said, thank you so much for doing that.

You didn't have to do that. And, but my question is, do I address it? Do I bring it up? Do I leave it? What do I do before we, yeah, this is a good one. Before we start, Hannah, did you have something you want to say? You're still processing. I'm just, I'm done. I have so many questions about how you make a clone, Willie. Like I'm kind of stuck there right now. Like I just,

I'm in that space at the moment. I've never heard of it. It seems wild to me. Okay. So back to your mother-in-law though. Did, did she say it in a way where she was like making eye contact? Like I saw something yeah Yes, hello speaking Eye contact, okay. So yes what she was saying with her eyes was I saw my son's dick in there But she doesn't know because of you, but how would she know it's her son? Yeah, she doesn't know I'm done all she said was I saw a dick. She's not dick. I was do I was babysitting my grandson. I was trying to help out

your fucking Dildos hanging up in the shower. I want to let you know let's never have that happen again. Mm-hmm right Yeah, and I gotta tell you like it's's out of control she went into your bathroom. Yeah. It is. It's wild, but here we are. But here we are.

So we're on your side, but if she were calling, I would say, Mom. Yeah. You're nuts. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. I have a question and a pitch. Okay.

My question is, and I think I know this, it is, like, what's it made out of? Hmm, weird question. I'm made out of? Weird question. I'm just thinking of Christmas. Besides for weird reasons. You'll see in a minute. And would it fit in my mouth? And also, what's the link? Stainless steel.

What's the link and is it weird to get one of your own to just have? Hello, caller, are you there? Can I fly with it? In my butt? Yeah, wouldn't it be weird to put my cock in my butt while flying? Hello, caller, are you there? Question my cock in my butt while I'm flying?

Hello, caller, are you there? Question for you, like, if I made a mold of my dick and put it in my butt, how would you judge me? Is it strange to give Jake mine for Christmas? We, by the way, we just found each other our gifts. Oh, my Christ, no, we didn't. Okay, here's my pitch. She saw it, it is what it is.

I don't think you can directly be like, hey, I know you saw your son's cock the other day in our shower. I think what you should do is the next time she's hanging out for a minute, explain that make it sound like it was a gift from a bachelorette party that you went to. That's interesting. Make it sound like somehow organically bring up the gag gift, which was this weird bar of soap that you know how those things are. Yes.

Everything's a penis. So I had all this penis accoutrement. But there's a lot of good ways to set up the idea. That goes back to the first call of the allergy man. Yeah. You're creating a distraction of the gag gift get. Like I've got a lot of gag. Question for you, like, before we get into this, what's your instinct?

What are you kind of deep down leaning towards? Do you want to bring this up with mom? No, no, I don't want to bring it up with her, but I did not consider the fact that she may have just thought that it was a dildo in my head. I was like, he's a hundred percent certain that she just saw a mold of her son. No way. No. Does it say clone Willie on it anywhere? No. No, that she doesn't know it's his cock. She doesn't see that cock for a while. But I get her irrational fear. Sure. Well, it's because you know. And then once you know something, that's all you know it is.

Yeah. What does your husband say? Does he know that this happened? I think I just told him like your mom went into our bathroom today and there was stuff out and he like sort of blew it off. And he's like, can I come home? I'm tired of this apartment. This is good spaghetti. It's been different living alone. There's two Budweiser's and mustard in the fridge. Can I come home? If you like that little Willie, how about the whole me? Get out of here.

I got one that has a human attached to it. A loving being. Who's a little creativity and joy. And who's also going through a pretty sad period. So, all right. So you're not, cause my instinct on this one would be we got to, we got to face the bull head on. Of course. That's your instinct. But it really what does that mean? Bring it up to her. Yeah. I like that Hannah's reactions here. I love watching Hannah's reactions throw you a little bit.

Just say nothing. I really. But hold on. Well, the mother-in-law is not saying anything. And then her own son, who is aware of the situation, is going like, this is a nothing burger. Yeah. But Hannah, hold on. This is is so you've got you've got a very handsome partner. Yeah. Hunk. Sure. Good looking guy. Yeah. You want a mold of it?

Let's say you made a mold of that thing. No, I'm asking you Jake. I would love one. Let's walk you because you're very casual. I wouldn't bring it up Pat. No. Hold on. Yeah, big old mold of it. Big old emphasis. Okay, stop. It's in your bathroom. You've thought about this before is what I realize. Yeah.

Yeah. A lot. Yeah. It's in your bathroom. His mother comes to your house. You put it in your master bathroom. It's not on the living room table. She goes through it, sees it, and then gives a very passive aggressive.

I threw some things out from your bathroom, letting you know, clean up after. OK, you just put sauce on it, though. Like, like, did she put sauce on it when she said it? Or was she kind of just like, I saw something. Was it more just a little like, oh, or was it like, I saw something like you just did it. So I'm wondering if I was maybe like overanalyzing in my head. She was like, I brought up direct eye contact. Like, I took some trash out of your girl in your shower or your bathroom.

I mean, she had some. And what I saw was. So what's the subtext here? She's judging you. Bathroom trash is private anyway. But, agreed, but she's, so. Bathroom trash is private. It is, have you ever seen someone's bathroom trash? Tidal, Tidal.

Bathroom trash is private trash. I totally agree. That is where you're like, look, this is buried treasure, no one can know my bathroom secrets. I agree, bathroom trash is private is a great line. It is. That's a great shirt. This is buried treasure no one can know my bathroom Is a great line That's a great shirt a little strange to think that the mom-in-law is going in there purely innocently I feel almost like a mom like I was cleaning your room and I found drugs under your mat

That's exactly right. I was reading your diary entry and I found out that you smoked a cigarette. That's right. Hold on. Hold up. Hold up. So now Hannah, where you're at now. So there's already a plan that exists for this in our situation, my husband and I's situation, which is when it's your family and something comes up that feels tricky. He deals with it. You deal with it because it's always going to be way easier hearing it from your kid than the daughter-in-law or the son-in-law.

That's clean. So guess what? Tell your husband, this is making me feel uncomfortable, I feel a little bit weird, but I trust you to know your mom better. You can, you figure this out. Even if, does that rule apply in your house, if your mother-in-law gives you the sauce?

Sure. Oh really? Yeah. So you'll go like, hey. Well yeah, we're the partners in it, and I'll go like I didn't understand the reaction I felt kind of weird will you help me through it and my family? You're weird and does weird so him I got you interest. I like that. So what do you feel about that like of? He came out of her let him deal with it. That's right hot potato

That is it is a good idea. That is not something that my husband's going to do. Okay. But then if he knows that, if he knows she's cool, then I think you have to trust the thing to be like, it's cool. And I think it's more about now instead of looking back, look forward and you need some boundaries. So I have a pitch.

I think the end of that I agree with, but I have a pitch. I think there's certain that I agree with but I have a pitch I Think there's certain ways that you could do boundaries in a very polite and nice way And that is like this doesn't make me feel comfortable and sometimes on planet Earth that works You got the kind of mother-in-law who's sniffing around and then putting a little bit of extra heat on you We're not talking about a 16 year old babysitter who got confused This is a grown-ass woman who made a, walked into your room, sniffed around and judged you. And went into the bathroom. So you want to know what I'd do if I'm you?

I start leaving some wild stuff in your bathroom. Oh boy. It's your bathroom. More clone willies. Got a family of them. I would do dominatrix stuff, but the guy outfits. Oh, God. So she has to go. Oh, my God.

There's like a ball gag and like whips and chains where like a woman is doing it to him. So she's to go like, oh, my God, she's killing my son. And then when she finally calls it out, go, this is our personal stuff. Stay out of our bathroom. So you saw our sex acts. So it's basically like you are catching the rat. You're putting a little cheese out, you're putting more cheese out, and then finally you're saying when they go like, the cheese you're putting out is weird, you go get out

of my kitchen. But you're putting it out there to give her the reaction, so you're forcing a boundary where she goes, I can't, she'll tell her husband, I can't go in there, the stuff I've seen, what'd you see, whips and chains. And he's gonna go, what are you doing going in there? A full arm and lube. Yes, there was a bucket of lube that was eight gallons.

There was a woman in there in leather just standing. Who said she couldn't talk because Lake would hurt her? Couldn't talk unless I had the mouth key. Ha ha ha ha. Now in terms of this galaxy, because what you're then doing is you're not facing it head on. Right before you leave, she goes like,

don't worry, I got Mason or whatever the kid's name is. I'll watch him. You go, sounds good. You run upstairs. You put some underpants on a watermelon. You put a knife in its head. You put I'll watch him. You go, sounds good, you run upstairs, you put some underpants on, a watermelon, you put a knife in its head, you put it in your shower, you leave. All the stuff she's dealing with is between her and her,

and clearly she's not gonna tell her son. So let that disease live within their family until she stops going in your bathroom. It's insane, obviously. This is like, you've really got the Goldilocks here. You've got three very different heats. Yeah. I would add to my pitch,

you could have your husband drop that you went to a bachelorette party and left the accoutrement around. Yeah. But that's, I'll walk away. I mean, I like all of the pitches. So here's where we're at. You've got the bachelorette pitch, which is just you bring up to her casually.

So many penises. Yes. I went to this thing. They gave me all these penises. I don't know what to do with it. Good Lord. Right. Do you need a penis pencil? I mean, my house is inundated with cock stuff.

You didn't see your son's penis in my shower. So you know. The second one is the Hannah Simone. And that is this isn't my mess. No. So I'm not dealing with it. No, I already got a three year old. Your mom, it's your mess. I'm very good with boundaries.

I'm Hannah Simone. That's right. And you got then you got Jakey Jays. You got Jake Johnson. And that is what happened if meth fell on heroin. That is you want to get weird with boundaries, honey? Let's get weird. You go sniffing around my attic, I'll give you something to see.

Oh my God. You wanna open the box? I'm telling you, you wanna open the box? Yeah, you're not gonna find a diary entry, I promise you that. But what you see, you're not going to forget. And that'll create what you want. And that is, mom's going, I'm happy to watch the kid.

I don't go in their room. I don't like what I see. And you go, what happens in that bathroom has nothing to do with you. Yeah. So what do you think you're going to do? So I sort of already thought, because it wasn't just that, there were a few things in there. So I sort of already thought because it wasn't just that there were a few things in there. So I don't know what else was in there by the way. Well, we

can think about it later. A couple of things that grownups can play with. What do they play with? They need to have a moment. Don't be so confused. I'm genuinely confused. What do they play with? I want to know. Monopoly? It was just there were a couple. It was, no, there wasn't Monopoly in the shower. It was a couple of vibrators, a clone of Willie. What do you want from me? Sometimes we gotta have fun, right? Yeah, I love it.

So you had three vibrators. So, so there, yeah, so there were a couple of engineers. So it was boys. Also, why are you washing three vibrators at the same time the day your mother's come over? Okay, wait wait I should I should Wasn't me by myself just like ripping through vibrate juggling who was using them we were oh They me and and my husband okay, okay there you go Oh, they me and and my husband. Okay. Okay. There you go

You had a session the mother-in-law might just also have this impression that you Guys aren't having sex and you're just you know, her son is not being satisfied You're not interested in him anymore. I mean and she couldn't be further from the truth because you have a clone of his dick You want to have her son's dick? Yeah, yeah, that's right Yeah, what a compliment if she only knew if only knew. But where were you going with that? Hannah said that the mother-in-law might think that they don't have. Yeah. Like that might be her concern of why she brought it up. Cause she's kind of going like, is something wrong? Is something going on? Because you've got all these toys and not my human son. And she may be not enough. Like, what do you think of that? That's an interesting spin.

Could the heat have been? Is there something going on in the bedroom? Because it's harder when you have babies. I walked into your cock room. There was a toilet. I don't think the mother in law would jump to, oh, my son is using these sex toys like no mother's brain is going to go there. She's going to my daughter in law is using all these things something must be wrong

That's interesting. Maybe she's just concerned. I also did not think of it that way I was sort of thinking like along the lines of what Jake said like where she went into the bathroom and she was like Oh my god, like my son and daughter-in-law are doing such crazy things together good for them I'm never gonna go into their bedroom again, right? I didn't even think that she was like neither. Why does she have so many fucking vibrators? Yeah, that's the thing And grandma's walking in she saw that oh, they have a healthy sex life She's not gonna say anything, but if she thinks that her son is being iced out I will say this if I concern if I saw if be concerned. If my mother walked into my bathroom and saw

like three fake vaginas. And a huge dick. Or no dick, just three fake vaginas, she would go like this, like, Jesus Christ, take her out to dinner. She would go, yeah. She would literally go, have you thought of listening for her once?

Asking her a question? Maybe you wouldn't eat a plastic vagina There's a bunch of sex toys She might just be worried about the health of your marriage again get your husband To go be like when you walk by be like man. She's so hot hand of the husband. Ooh, she's so gorgeous So I have such a crush on her Just make her feel reassured that your marriage is great and healthy in all the ways. Get him to do it by dropping non-sexual things, but like fun little crush things.

And I bet you she'll just go, oh, thank God. Oh, I know. That's a turn, Hannah. So like, what do you think? See, this is why I called you guys. That's a turn. Woman on the couch. That's the name of your memoir.

Yeah, that's right. In all ways, it's where I live. I know. That's a turn. Woman on the couch. Yeah. That's the name of your memoir. Yeah, that's right. In all ways, it's where I live. I know that about you. So happy. Yeah, so happy right now.

That's pretty interesting. Do you think that this issue is mom might be a little worried about her baby boy? Because guess what happens when the sex leaves, so does the marriage. Facts. And she's afraid. That's and she's afraid on my first doesn't go well No, if you're if you're not playing with those dildos a veggie might be in a little bit of trouble Yeah, so what she doesn't know is things are going great with mom and dad. Yeah. Do you think she might be a little afraid? I see this is why I called you guys because I did not think of that I automatically assumed that she would have thought that that was her son's dick in the

shower and I automatically assumed that she would have gone, all right, never going into their room again. Good for them for keeping things spicy. So can we give a suggestion that you actually try to pull off just to see how this affects it? Can you ask your husband to in front of your mom? compliment your looks If nothing else, it's sweet, right?

Where that all of a sudden he if when you pick her up, he just goes like what a beautiful woman I'm so lucky. Yeah, and the mom goes like she'll be happy My son's happy and give him like a real kiss or yes like a real kiss I'm on yeah after she's on the go You said a real can name with emphasis and after she's up three dildos careful what you're telling mom And then be like we're freaks mama Like just shirts off loving hand is like no take his bottles off make eye contact with the mom It's hard to kiss with a ball gag

so What do you think about having? Husband just drop some hints that things are going good Yeah, and see if that's the zone mom was getting it about having husband just drop some hints that things are going good. Yeah. And see if that's the zone mom was getting in. Okay. That is definitely doable.

And I mean, it's not like we act like we hate each other when she's around and then, no, he could also ask her, he could ask her opinion on like a bunch of flowers, which ones do you think you would like? I want to give these to Blake. Yeah. You know, that might be an organic way. It feels like we'd. That could feel like there was also trouble in parenting. Yeah, but then you go, I love her.

You gotta make sure that. Yeah, it's like fun and flirty. That husband and wife are both like into each other. What do you think of some version of also something hanging in that bathroom of don't go sniffing in my attic? So you have him compliment you. Yeah just go on eBay and buy one $25. Whip.

Okay. All right. Just something hanging up that just creates a little bit of panic. Yeah, that's definitely doable. So one hanging whip that if nothing else is a funny memory for you and your husband Yeah, that eventually you could put in like your living room. Okay. It's a joke. It's a gag but a real scary

violence it could be shaped like Whip whip so then he's complimenting you we're fixing that too You're just making your bathroom an unsafe place for a mother-in-law to enter. I would just like to say the only woman on this couch, instead of like traumatizing grandma, cause she's definitely going to go sniff in there again. Cause she feels like maybe there is trouble in paradise. Leave like, like some super sexy lingerie, just something.

Are you flirting with her? Kiss in front of her, leave laundry. What are you doing? Because then you're not wearing that by yourself. You're just sitting there icing at your husband. I get it. It's this thank you. I get it. Why are you putting sexy laundry in?

I understand why you're on like a separate couch. It's a whole other way of thinking. Two reasonable people here trying to like help you through this moment. This is toxic coutillinity. Just because Gareth agrees with you does not mean it's two reasonable people here trying to like Gareth agree it does not mean it's to reasonable people and you just said put Laundry on the ground versus a whip no mom is gonna want to go in and be like oh my son is being whipped by my Talk about it. He's dating Indiana Jones I can't go you're gonna have to talk about it. He's dating Indiana Jones

But no mom wants to walk in and go like there's my daughter-in-law's Sexy, but then she's gonna know that they're like she'd be wearing it for her husband And then maybe she'll just back off everything I got so that is the idea of I Get it girl. He's he doesn't know stop it I get it girl. He doesn't stop it So like in closing we've given you some wild advice will you walk us through what you're gonna do Yeah, I think um like having him compliment me or like, you know, get me some flowers or do something civil-race in front of her is a Good sort of like not passive aggressive, but just like, hey, we know what you saw, but things are great. Those weren't just her vibrators, she

uses by herself. And also just, although this was a few weeks ago, and she has not she's been to the house since and she has not been in that room. So that may have just been enough. But I mean, I can always throw a whip in there and So we're going with the husband compliments and a whip in the bathroom Yeah, that's all doable. Can you do us a big favor? And when you get the whip can you send us a photo of it hanging in your bathroom? And will we don't need to see his dick. But it hanging in there and then we can post that along with the episode.

Sure. Can I just have one question? Is it weird for me to get a clone Willie of myself just for myself? Thank you, Lake. Thanks, Lake. I appreciate it. Very body positive. Yeah, appreciate it. Very body positive, eh? But yeah, thank you. Thank you. Bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, Jake.

This episode is brought to you by Aura Frames. Yes, Jake. If you're looking for the perfect gift to celebrate the mothers in your life, which I know we are. Yeah. Always. I've been talking to Eve a lot lately.

Me too. Have you been talking to Pam? No, Eve. Eve don't like you. Yeah, she does. No, she like you. Yeah, she does. No, she don't. Yeah, off air she likes to get wild. You know what?

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Oh my Lord. Can you call Gilly and see if he's required? Gilly Beanie, are you here? Is he around? Oh, my Lord. Can you call Gillian? See if he's required. Billy, you here? Yeah, you talk. What are we? What's going on? What's been up lately? Show's been going great. And we're wondering if you.

Hi, Jake. Hey, Gillian, how are you, pal? Been a while. Yeah, I mean, I see you every day. You look good. Yeah, you look the same, my friend. You seem well. You too.

So do you want to read the call to action and this? Head to HTTPS colon slash slash. That's right. I'm doing those. You too. So, do you want to read the call to action and this? Head to https://www.squarespace.com slash Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code Gil sent me. Let's do it one more time just to make sure. Go to www.squarespace.com slash Gil sent me to save 10% off of your first purchase of a website or domain using code Gil sent me we should all go out and get some beers. I Just what is like what do you send in photos it all feels so

Well, I know the way they probably used to do it and that was the the way you do the Hollywood stuff with the mold I know the way they probably used to do it and that was the the way you do the Hollywood stuff with the mold Where the way they like we do a mold kit and you'd be doing that and then sending it back or expensive I think it is expensive molding kits. They do it with a molding kit clone Willie glow in the dark only 42 bucks. I found one that's my penis casting Yeah, the skin tone of your chain is casting. that's how you got on New Girl, right Jake? I'm actually looking for clone Willie but for juniors. Neon purple.

I want your dick but I want it neon purple. That looks like a lot of molding. Can I get half that molding? It feels like a lot. So Hannah, thank you for doing our show. Oh, you're welcome. We appreciate it. Thank you, Hannah. I want to ask you for doing our show. Oh, you're welcome. We appreciate it. Thank you, Hannah.

I want to ask you some questions to go back in time a little bit. Oh, OK. We didn't get to do this when Lamarne and Max and Damon and Zoe first did it, but we started interviewing at the end a little bit. Oh, all right. And it's been fun. It started, I think, with Rain. Yeah. When he came in

right before he left, we were like, we chat a little bit. Is that because you're a little bit of a fan? Yeah, I'm a fan. But we would have this is different. Well, you and I have stayed in very good touch via text. True. So we did not work together a lot. No. So the new girl experience for you,

and it was really funny seeing you in here because we do communicate. Yeah. So but we don't see work together a lot. No, so the new girl experience for you It was really funny seeing you in here because we do communicate Yeah, so but we don't see each other a lot and we didn't see each other a lot during that era We would be around each other but not the same. What was your art? Because I know that you were a VJ. I know that you're I didn't get that wrong. No, you're right Yeah, I was just like the arc is so but what I'm strange. Because I remember you and I would always whenever we've always chatted it's always been about business and it's always been about lifestyle. Yeah. So that's not the way most actors talk. No? Most actors it's always process and character and ours would always be like schedule and where our characters sit. And, you were always mad as like an attractive lady.

You had to be like heels and skirts and I would be in like sweatpants. That's true, I call it the Jake Johnson School of Acting. And I remembered it ever since where he's like, always make sure you sit down and have a drink in your hand. Your character should always like to be drinking. Always sitting down is a great idea. So smart.

But you've become a master of it. Thank you so much. But how do you get New Girl? So if you walk us through that, like what is that journey in? Oh my gosh. I mean, I think like the shortest version of that is that the year before, or yeah, the year before. 2011, right around there. Yes.

Slum, um, 2011 is when we shot our pilot. So it was that the 2010, I think slumdog millionaire had come out and just just massive droid at the Oscars. And you're still in London. I was, where was that? No, I was living here in LA. Okay. When did you then first start moving out here? I moved out here in 2008. I was a where was that? No, I was living here in LA. Okay. When did you then first start moving out here?

I moved out here in 2008. I was a VJ. And was it, was it thinking, acting? Was it sitcoms? Was it comedy? Was it everything? I knew that I always wanted to be an actor. You did, cool.

I had always done it just as my own passion because there was no like opportunities to do it professionally unless you were going to be the butt of the joke or put on a funny accent or do things that I personally couldn't relate to at all and felt like degrading to the culture. So that wasn't my jam. And I'd come from like my whole career had been working at the United Nations. I was a human rights and refugees officer.

I was working with women and children in refugee camps and traveling around the world. So I had a whole- You go from that to like me, Max Lamourn. What a drop off. Yes, I did. You're like, she didn't say much those first few years. Zoe and you alone, I could see like a little bit like, you all of a sudden in scenes with Max,

with like me and Lamourn walking in the background, you're working with. As Jake's like, you all of a sudden in scenes with Max with like me and Lamar walking in the background, you're working with. As Jake's like, these hours are brutal. You're like, hey buddy. Hey, let me teach you something. Always be in sweatpants. Hey, we're out of the chocolate chip granola, so this is hell.

Your character, usually your character should love M&M's. Have a great day. You walk into a light, ow! Jake. All right, so keep going. So you into a light, ow! Okay. All right, so keep going. So you're doing real stuff. I've been doing that stuff, and I'd always been doing theater

and just stuff for myself that I just enjoy doing. But what was the, in terms of that era of Hannah, what was the dream vision? Was it movies, was it dramatic, was it comedy? Like what was the kind of path? I mean I always thought to be honest with you that I would do drama. Like I like that kind of storytelling. I really enjoyed it. But yeah, it's kind of was like good people being around good fun people where like the process was like open and we could all contribute.

You could have like a seat at the table, have your voice heard. That's kind of who I'd always kind of grouped with and I had enjoyed it. And then I quit being a VJ and I got an opportunity to host a video game reality show, which got me my visa down here. It was eight weeks of work. It paid me more than I'd ever been paid. So I was like, perfect, no problem. This is wonderful. And then. And is that personality or or is that kinda like, you're just running through it,

or are you kinda showing your personality in that? It's just hosting, and I love hosting. So it was really great, I really enjoyed it. Easy work, light work, because I enjoyed it. And then Slumdog hit, I wanted to act, and I would go to my agent, and they're like, you have a blank resume. Like no one cares about theater.

It's not happening. So I was like, all right. And there was just no opportunities for like an Indian woman unless you were going to be like the joke in like one scene or I call it the bit of the like exotic, erotic, weird thing. You have to just be like this, whatever, just to be stared at in the scene. That also is not my jam. So Ended up working other jobs down here slumdog hit then all of a sudden there was like four pilots with all Indian casts no, and they were

Shitting themselves because there was no one to you could sit there and carry a network comedy Because no one had been given the opportunities such a weird town And I'll never forget getting a call from my agent at the time and he was just like panicked and he was just like you're Indian right you're Indian. How Indian are you? How much of it is Indian and I was like, I'm half Indian. He's like, great, you have like nine audition. How Indian are half Indian, hold on. It's half and half, that's wonderful. That's exactly right.

It was the craziest thing. And I remember going and it was an audition for Outsourced. And I went in. Outsourced was pre-New Girl. Pre-New Girl, this is the year before for NBC. And I went in and it was like all of us, just all of us that I'd ever met were like in the room, and we couldn't believe we were auditioning for Leeds. Yeah, cool.

And it was the wildest thing, and it was with Ken Coopas who had come from like the office, and it was like really cool, and it was like a weekend of just like workshopping, and we were testing, and I didn't book it and they brought me back multiple times and this was the part to be honest with you that was so frustrating to me because they hired someone else who had a darker skin tone than me and they were like we love Hannah so much but she doesn't look Indian enough.

And I was like, this is the wildest thing in the world of why I lost a job. What a swing. It was so crazy. And then I went and auditioned for another pilot called Nevermind Nirvana. And it was Seth Yankewitz that was the casting director. No way.

And I went all the way and I tested, I didn't book it. So even though you're not booking these, when you're getting that far, that means you're hitting. Yeah. You're in a pretty nice groove, you're feeling pretty confident, you're knowing that like, all right. It was my first auditions,

like it was just the wildest thing. I went from not being able to get in a room to like testing. Yeah, okay. And so then I didn't book those two roles, Outsource then went and they did a season. And I was heartbroken because I thought, well then that's it. That opportunity is never gonna present itself again.

They wanted specific Indians. And then the next year they were casting New Girl and Seth was the casting director and remembered me from Never Mind Nirvana and brought me back. And if I had booked outsourced, I wouldn't have been able to come in for that audition. And I went in and- Did you have to go through all the steps

or did you jump forward? Was it a producer session when you started? Do you remember? I don't remember, to be honest with you, what the first one was. I remember I had a chemistry read with Zoe and I made her laugh really like hard, like just like when I came in and we were just chatting, caught her off guard or something, and she laughed.

So that was great for them to like see. And we just kind of got each other that moment. That was great. And then, yeah, then I went in and tested. But everyone I was testing against were people I recognized. Right. And no one even knew who I, like who I was. And I remember at the end of that, um, the studio session, I think. It felt really quiet in the room.

And then Casden turned around to the room and I was the last person to audition turned around to the room and he goes was the last person to audition, turned around to the room and he goes, that's how you do it. Is that true? Fuck. And I walked out and I was like, I don't know what that means. I think that's good. I don't know what that means. Good for you.

Wow. But that was, I'll never forget that moment. And it was just like really, and now like I know him. I know that that was like a genuine. Sweet moment. He was saying to everybody, let's go, let's do this one. And did you feel was Zoe right away? A chemistry. Did you guys kind of know what the thing was?

Yeah, because my sense of humor was really, um, dry. Yeah. Um, and I just think that that just like tickled her and worked for what she liked to do. And I think that everyone that she had seen coming in before me in that little chemistry read had a similar kind of like bubbly kind of energy as her. So like we kind of got each other and that's the dynamic in most of my close girl, you know, my girl friendships anyway, is just like kind of yin yang each other. So that was nice for me too, to be like, oh, I can just kind of be in that zone

of how I like to be. Totally. And she got it. Yeah. And they got it. Did you know in the pilot stages, because I knew that if done right, there was going to be a Nick Jess thing.

So it was just little moments in the writing where it would be like, the way he looks at her, and I'm like, oh, I think they're building this. Did you know it was gonna be a C.C. Schmidt thing? No idea. Okay, because I didn't know that either. But I was also so green that I didn't even know how to look for the things.

I will say that Max was, is, but was then like so kind. And like, he just knew it was like my first time trying to figure it out. He's also really smart with this stuff. Yeah, he was super sweet. And he, I always say this, like even to the end, cause I had to do so much stuff with him by the end.

He just has a way of, you know, like yes, ending you to the end. He will always just make it funny or meet you where you're at. And we had to do so much emotional stuff and he would always be like really in there with you and it just makes you better. And so I always felt really safe with him.

And as a friend, we had so much downtime in that first season and him and I would sometimes just be hanging out and talking and he was just really, just, I don't know, kind and safe. And I think that that was just like a natural, just then chemistry of someone who was super seasoned. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just kind of taking me under his wing. And I don't know if they kind of saw that and was like, oh, this could actually.

Oh, so nobody brought up to you when you were starting. There's a potential because that became a huge part of the show. Yeah. Yeah. No, no one said anything to me. And it was kind of fun week to week to find it out. And to be honest with you, it's one of the reasons why I really love TV. Um, because I feel like if you sit down with a film script, do you see the whole arc beginning to end, but it doesn't mimic like the reactions you have in real life.

You don't know your boyfriend's going to cheat on you next week, right? So you would love with him this week. But TV, when it's really fun and new girl had periods where this hit, where when we would be at the table, read, you'd go like, oh, that's a fun turn. And TV, when it's annoying is you go like, no, don't do that. Right. Like we were, it's all building. And when a show is really working, the writing staff and the crew and everybody together is building this thing that almost feels like

it already exists. And now you're catching up to it. So the reason I asked about the you and Max thing is some of those things felt predetermined in a weird way where it would start and you'd be like, oh, this is a thing. Like, LeMourne in it. When LeMourne first auditioned,

you're like, there's nobody else. Right? Right? Right? Like, this doesn't make sense without you, man. Yeah. You, that show, if you and Max aren't together in that, I don't know what the show is. But like, the Schmidt season, like, that is the show.

The Nick Justin, that is the show. Like, all the stuff that you're, but the Brian trying to stop those kids from going to that preschool in that one episode That is the show funny because when I read that script I was like, where are they going with this for the season? Yeah, I was like, where is this? You weren't invited to the table right now. Well, no, but that was like a such a twist Oh, you know who? We almost got for that was Tony Baker. Yeah, but then the whole hold on So the whole thing even on the day, you know, I didn't know they were gonna turn into a Nick Bryan thing

It wasn't a Nick Bryan thing. Well, you did yell on set a lot This is a will that was in the script though. That was in the script When we're done rolling yellow, but that was in the What are you talking about? And then how different was it going onto this, the new TV show, not that yet. So then our show ends, you got a little bit of a break. Then you're going back into network television. Yeah.

And we had been texting a bunch about jobs and what to kind of do and what we both wanted to do. I mean, I jokingly call you my manager. Yes. Yeah. That makes sense. Yes. Well, Jake is one of the few Yes. So we, but we have been talking. Well, Jake is one of the few like truth tellers,

I feel like in this town. He will just say to you, that's a terrible idea. Don't do it. Don't do it. And I, so I remember asking you about Gina, because I realized the group of people that you have around you is everything. Everything.

It's everything. So I mean, the show runner, the people around you, and then. That's right. So I always call every single project. I'm always like I call everybody. I do this. I didn't use to I do the same thing. Yeah. Any links? Yeah. I'll do the cold call. What do you think? Please talk off the record. Yeah. Are they fucking nuts? I've walked away from a bunch of stuff because I'm just like no thank you. Yes. But I remember and I'll never forget because I text you and I was like tell me about Gina and you said run to work with her.

Yeah she's great. And you're right she's like now my closest one of my closest friends she came up and stayed with me in Canada. Yeah we're like sisters. She's fucking awesome. Yeah and killer talent. Oh my gosh. So she's got all the loves where you're like everything you're doing is we had a weird thing we did a show up in Canada together during the pandemic and my kids got obsessed with her. Yeah. And like, you know, like certain kids just pick somebody. It was just Gina, Gina this, Gina that.

And so one day she was like, if you guys want to come up to where she was staying had like a little farm. She's like the kids can play in the middle of it. She goes and my wife and I were there and she's like, why don't you guys go out to eat? I'll just watch the kids and my wife and I were like, no, Gina, you know, maybe. And she's like, go. We did. Yeah. We went out to eat.

The kids came back. They still talk about it. Yeah. You're like, she's just one of those humans. You're like, and then on set killer. She's also an EP. So she also gets it. You're like, oh, you know, the shorthand about like when we're wasting time

You also know when you now need to bring it. Mm-hmm. So it's like oh if she's if she's the person you're with in scenes Oh, yeah, no, she has your back in such an incredible way Yeah, but she can also just be like a boss bitch on set and how'd you handle it? But she does in a way where it's impossible to dislike her She's not a she's got the magic thing. But when she barks, yeah, oh, yeah people listen Yeah, no, I love her so much and I love that show So much so we're hoping it comes back. Hope so and if it doesn't or if it does What would you like to be doing in about 10 years? If you're not out of the game, right? We could all be out of the game. There's a moment where we all go like, I'm leaving the casino.

Game was fun, chips were fun. But what would be like a fun in the future, Hannah Simone, if you landed doing something like that, you'd be like, that was pretty fucking cool. You know what I really find is like the thing that, I don't know, seeks me and I hope that I get to do later in life after I stop doing this kind of work is the way I got that video game reality show to host was because Padma Lakshmi was hosting Top Chef and the EPs of the show that I got cast on were massive fans of Top Chef.

So if she hadn't been there, they never would have hired me. It was as close as they could get. An Indian girl walked in with bangs. And then when, and Frida was part of Slumdog and the, it just shows like the power of how much like representation matters. Cause I remember asking Liz Merriweather,

I was like, you have no idea what you did putting an Indian girl as just part of this like American group of friends and just being this, you know, just as part of the gang, it's changed things. I talked to so many young girls who look like me and they see themselves in the mainstream as something possible. I didn't grow up seeing that. And Liz gives the bet. Like she said, the best thing. She has no idea that it's the best thing, but she says, I don't know what you're talking about. I just hired the funniest person. I was like, that's amazing.

And so for me to figure out, and Jean and I talk about this a bunch, is how then I just keep that door open and create the opportunities for other young girls, boys that look like me to kind of be able to get their foot in. It's huge. I don't think there's a lot of boys who look like you.

I'll be honest. I mean, you've got a very specific- You of boys who look like you. I'll be honest. I mean, you've got a very specific. You never know. Never know. You never know. I could be wrong. I don't know. I just know if there is like a great it's a great little guy. Holy shit.

That is a shock. Like. That little boy looks like Hannah Simone. It is Hannah Simone. Wait a minute. Wait a second. Listen, I go in disguise sometimes, okay?

I don't like to talk about it a lot. Smart. And then last before we go, just because of the new girl connection, when you look back, what's one scene that always kind of pops into your head or one memory that you always kind of take with you, besides the Brian scene?

Is there like a scene? Don't feel like you have to say Brian. But is there a scene that you did, is there a moment that you were a part there a moment that you were part of? Because I know, none of us knew that this show would keep living. I for sure did. I did not have any understanding

that the audience was gonna grow. I was very into the audience at the moment, and the audience at the moment on network TV was bleeding out. So by the end, the fun of it for me was, we're shooting this in a fucking vacuum. Right, who cares? Let's cross- cross covered have fun. We all know the bits Yeah, I'll know how to make each other laugh. We know how to make the crew laugh. Let's have fun

Now realizing that oh streaming happen and people are gonna be able to watch it and see it forever and new generations find it You're like, oh what an amazing gift, but then in looking back. What is a moment that you get to go? Like I was pretty cool. But then in looking back, what is a moment that you get to go like, I was pretty cool. I was in that moment. I mean, there's a lot. Yeah, there's a lot of question. Pretty good at it.

Yeah, not bad. Not bad. I saw it in her eyes. She's like, I'm here with Charlie Rose. This moment is like the only reason I'm doing this. He did a very good job interviewing Tony Hale earlier. And I learned and I literally, I literally said, literally said, look, I was a great interviewer and I got to step up my game.

I am sharp and sound. You did great, Gareth. Here's the obvious one, but the obvious one is not the one that first came to mind. So I'm going to go with what first came to mind. I mean, the obvious one was the Prince episode for so many reasons. By the way, your- Untold stories of the Prince. We're going reasons. So by the way, your untold story of the Prince,

we're going to do it on like our podcast. I'll drop it. And then there's so many things that nobody knows. So that for sure was like something that will live in my brain. This one, how he texted. Remember the memes? No, the capitalization. Oh, yeah. The will you just say that? Yeah. Yeah. He would email me and it would print emailed Hannah all the time, all the memes. No, the capitalization. Oh, yeah. The sub, will you just say that here?

Yeah, yeah. He would email me and it would be- Prince emailed Hannah all the time. All the time. Wow. And it was like, yeah, the letters, the numbers, everything big, small, and a lot of like crying Oprah gifts and things like that. But punctuation would be really-

Lowercase, lowercase. I would show you. I would show you these. I was obsessed with it. All lowercase would be like, hey, lowercase, H- you I was I was obsessed with that all lowercase would be like hey lowercase HG capital Y yeah and then like girl then it would be like a bunch of stuff in this subject it was the wildest emails I've ever seen yeah the the first moment that came to mind is one that no new girl fan has

seen because they couldn't they didn't put it in the show, but I remember when it happened and it was the last thing, almost the second, or maybe second to the last thing we ever shot. And I was like, they're gone, they've gone crazy. Was that they had Nick and Cece kiss. What the fuck? Yeah, I know. You don't remember this? You don't remember this? You don't remember it?

I remember this. I would remember this. We both started laughing so hard. This was at the end? Yeah, at the end. It was in the series finale. They were trying to like do the cooler reenacted. I am kind of remembering this.

They was behind the door and then they were trying to do it and then we both were laughing so hard and we were like no Yeah, yeah, I know You're totally so what I remember the reason I was I was gonna ask and I didn't know why I was gonna ask it but I was gonna say like when we were talking about the you and Max and the Nick and Jess of like how different of a show right because in the pilot Max pitched a line at the end when we're all on the couch. And I had felt like that was written where Nick is going after Jess, Jess is the funny one. Cece, you were like the really hot one that all the guys wanted, right?

And then Coach was the crazy one and Max was the really funny one and Jess was the whole lead. And then as we're all sitting at the couch Max pitches at the end where he goes like wouldn't it be funny if I said to her like I'll do you and I remember being like Well, if that joke lands then the question is like then this guy is trying to have sex with her and she's not in Right. I remember being like then I don't know where Nick fits in because then she goes like jar But then I thought like oh and in my head. I'm like like, then I don't know where Nick fits in. Because then she goes like, Jar. But then I thought like, oh, and in my head, I'm like, if that were to happen, then it's either going to be, it would have been coached then.

They tried that. I remember. And Damon and I, he was supposed to put me against like a wall. Yes, I remember all this. Lift me up against the wall. And him and I couldn't stop laughing. And I think I like chipped his tooth a little and then he, and we just couldn't get it together. And I remember Finkel and Bear being like, this. But that's what I mean.

There's something about it because the idea of Cici and Coach from that pilot feast, it's interesting, once Lamorne came, it was different. Yeah. Lamorne and Cici, they're doing a mess around. Yeah. They ain't getting it. That's right.

They got it from a mile away. No way. It's a different beast. That's right. They got it from a mile away. It's a different beast. That's right. But you're like, when you're talking about what's great about TV is it changes. And the writer sees something and then push towards it. And you're like, that's what gets really fun. But so then go ahead. So the moment you remember.

I just remember it being so funny because they kept us so apart for so many years and we were just like friends on different shows. It's all felt. Yeah, you're just like you should get a better car No, you said to me you're like I have enough savings I feel like I'd like a car I don't know how to do it. I was like, I gotta go. That's right. And then we both had the same legs I'm saying the same little sign it. And I was like, I gotta go. And then we both had the same legs, the same little signage, whatever. Yeah. So that was our relationship. And it was just a funny thing. It was the second to last thing we shot.

They like pulled the loft door and they were like, all right, now you guys are going to do like, reenact like the cooler kiss. And you guys are going to do it in the true American game or whatever. And we both were just laughing because we were like, in what world would this cross these characters' minds? I never liked when New Girl went crazy, crazy like that.

There were times the show would experiment with, like, how wild is this show? It's not what that show felt like to me. It felt like sometimes the bits we could get really silly, but it was never like community issues. It was never like, we weren't that show that could also kind of be a cartoon. And when we did it, you would feel it.

It would be like on set, you're like, I can't do this. There were certain moments you're like, this just doesn't feel like it. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, but that one's on the cutting room floor. That's really funny. It makes me laugh. That's really funny.

Yeah. Hannah, you're the best. Thank you, Hannah. Yeah, great to see you in person. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakiya,

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