We're Here to Help - 78: Very Strange and Beautifully Weird with Nikki Glaser

Episode Date: May 13, 2024

Jake, Gareth and special guest Nikki Glaser talk to a caller with a weird massage therapist. The guys also chat with Nikki about crushing The Roast of Tom Brady and some exciting big goals in her future. Later, Jake and Gareth follow up with the first caller from episode 73 "You Are Not the Barber with Daryl Johnson and John Feitelberg." See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. We are. Everything about this one's different. I'm starting a different. Gareth Takeo. We are. This is a wild, fun one. For those who've listened to our show a lot, you will see that this one feels different. We only do one call.

Yes. For those who are new, who came from a clip or came from because of Nikki, we get it. Well, the truth is basically. So Nikki Glazer is our guest today. Yes. Who I've known for. We had actually had shows on MTV at the exact same time in the exact same studio. So I met her I think like 10 or 11 years ago. So we wanted her on to promote her special Someday You'll Die. Someday You'll Die which is on HBO which is already out. It came out a couple days ago. So yeah so we were very excited and then she was coming in today already but then she had there was the Tom Brady roast on Netflix over the weekend that was live and you know we talk about

it but she just absolutely murdered. Well I had a murder I texted you because Let last night before I went to bed I was like, you know, I've been a fan of Nikki forever, but I was like, I'm gonna watch it Yeah, and I thought I was really just gonna fast-forward to hers Uh-huh, and then as it starts going it was a wild show see Tom Brady that way seeing all the players having hard Just did a great I was just in it. Then she murdered in a way. Yes. That was spectacular.

Well, it's also great to watch her do it with the context of the time of the show. Yes, because she really does. If you haven't seen it, definitely check it out because she just murders. And I mean, we talk about that. But anyway, so we had her in, but we were just so excited to talk to her. Yeah, I will say I geeked out more than I usually do. Because we were starting to do it right. We were sitting down.

Kevin was ready. Kevin had two calls readied. Mostly I am making eye contact with Kevin. So we're doing hand signals about timing. I will say not seeing you made it easier for me to go. And I will say I was seeing you and I was going, I don't think he's ready to lose. I think he's like save this for after yeah but we just talked about the timing of what's going on with her and the roast and then we just got to talking we did one call we lost the other call

because we talked so goddamn much the call's great too calls great she's great and then we just talked forever after because she truly is just such a lovely person to talk to and Fascinating stories a great guest. So everybody follow Nikki Glaser. Yep. Watch her special now. Yeah, I'll the roast. Yep I mean, she's got a ton of shit. So she's if you don't know Nikki you will soon. Yes, and you will she's she's having a real moment She really is on fire and it was great to have her in She's have Kim Kardashian's DM in her while she's listen. There's a lot about your way as we say without further ado Hi welcome to the show we're here to help hello, thank you so much. Yeah, we're all pretty excited Listen, I'm gonna find out who you are where you're from and what your age is in a second.

But before we do, we just had a great chat with our guest helper. Did you by chance watch the Tom Brady roast this weekend on Netflix? I did not, but I heard about it. You heard about it. Well, you probably heard about the MVP of the roastast, who joins us now, known for many things, but why don't we just start off by celebrating her MVP award for The Roast of Tom Brady. Guest helper, Nikki Glaser is here joining us in studio. Okay?

I also, which I am- Oh my goodness, what a treat. Yeah, that's right. Oh, thank you. I will also say I have a special out on HBO on Saturday, May 11th called someday You'll die and that's just a coincidence that the roast happened this very same. We will promote that in our intro this no Trusted you guys too, but I'm just getting it all about your time in young life. I mean really

Coincidental but insane and by the way HB was a little annoyed at first that they found out I was doing the roast I go you'll just wait and see. You want the PR? You're an HBO person, Nikki. It's crazy. Don't go get your name out there on another network. That'll help us. Yeah, exactly. How dare you?

OK, can we get your name and where you're calling from your age and then we'll get into your problem. Yes. So my name today is going to be Sam. Sam, hello. And I'm 32. And I am going to be Sam Sam hello, and I'm 32 mm-hmm And I am going to be from Portland a lot of lies, but we welcome lies Like this alright Sam what's going on? What can we help you with? Okay, so I have a great

Chiropractor that I love to go to but the thing is when you go to the clinic They start the adjustment off with like a five-minute massage from the massage therapist, right? Fun. So, I have... I'm excited about that five minutes. Me too. Not the cracker. Sam, before you even got into anything, Jake heard five-minute massage and...

That doesn't count because I'm going to a chiropractor. Okay, I'm not even sure what that means, but it's dark. Yeah, I don't know means. Okay so you get the five minute massage, some people are super jazzed about it. Okay. They're happy ending chiropractors. Oh man. They just crack your dick until it finishes. That is next level. Okay Sam, so keep going. Oh my goodness. Okay, so that massage therapist also offers hour-long massages, right? You can book a private massage with her. So I did that and it turned out to be just the wildest experience because she's a pure

lunatic and it has just really spiraled into a really weird situation Sam Sam you're fast-forwarding give us your fast-forward at the wrong time of the movie yeah you book an hour yeah you said it was the weirdest hour of your life because she's a lunatic could you walk us through what happened in that hour yes so well first of all she plays, I can't remember what it's called, but you know, like satellite radio. So there's commercials during the music. Well, no, she's not paying.

Getting the free Pandora. It's like, sorry about that. You have to hear a zip recruiter. Actually, they're a great company. I've heard they're really helpful if you're looking for, if you need employees. Yeah, yeah, if you need a job. They'll have so many to you by the end of the day, I think. It's like very quick.

Look, let's be honest. It's crazy how good they are at what they do. Yeah. So, okay. She's playing the satellite. What else? Okay, so then, I mean, and the music itself is not relaxing. It's like, you know, just loud, like.

Like what? A mixture of like love songs or else it's like some, just upbeat, like a lot of instruments. It's just a podcast. Yeah. Boom. Yeah. Okay, so the music's incongruent with the setting.

Yes, and then beyond that too, like, well, first of all, I'm pretty sure she's a bit of a peeker too. I don't know what that is. Yeah, you do. Meaning, meaning. A massage therapist who's a bit of a peeker, what's your guess? She's looking under the towel. She wants to know what's happening backstage. She's saying, could you lean forward a little bit? And then she's going like this.

Oh my God. Now you really think that she's trying to take a peek? Oh, I've been called worse. All right. Is that the guy from? Yeah. Just peeking. Hello. Hey, Sam, can you walk us through what you mean by a peeker? Yeah, you're exactly right, Jake. So I'm pretty sure she's yeah, when you're turning over, she's looking, she's not turning away. Also, there's been a couple of situations where the sheet has just been that fully covering me and I'll try to like move it. And then it moves.

She pushes it away. She's initiating something here, Sam. I hate this woman. Did you get a bad vibe from her during the five minutes? Obviously you did it. Was there any indication that this was going to be a God? I hate when. That's a a bad vibe from her during the five minute? Obviously you didn't. Was there any indication that this was gonna be? Oh God, I hate women. That's a good setup.

She gives you the five. And I'm like, this is comfortable. And she's peaking, she's moving. I hate this for you. I'm so sorry. I'm having an opposite reaction so far. That's interesting. You really hate this?

Yeah, because it's massage. I stopped getting full body massages because I just find it, even when there's no peaking going on, I find it too intimate. There's someone touching your body too much, and then afterwards they're like, get out! And they're like, get changed! And they get you water, that's the nicest thing they do,

but they're not even like, they're- Where do you get your massages? Even at- Get outta here! Take your water, hydrate! Usually at Thai places, but also even nice spots, I just feel like you just have this moment, like it doesn't feel sexual, but it's an intimate moment

and then you're just thrust out into the harsh whole world. There should be cigarettes, hillotons. Yeah, I only do foot massages because I don't wanna be fully nude. I just wanna be able to get out of there quick. I do foot massages fully nude. I insist upon it, I really do. Sam, when you're talking about satellite music,

satellite radio, couple of zip recruiters, we got a peeker here. Unzip recruiter. Are you feeling unsafe or are you feeling you're a fucking creepo? Where are you at right now? Well there's more that she does. But so far I'm like, I'm so far I'm just like this is hilariously strange and beautifully weird, but then- Hilarious, beautiful, key words. Jake. Sorry. Sorry.

She'll also do weird stuff like she'll talk about something and then she'll pull out her phone, so stop massaging, pull out her phone and show me something on her phone. Oh. This is worse than a dick. Yeah. I'd rather be penetrating.

This is worse than a dick. I'd rather a thumb in my asshole. I would literally be like, put your thumb in me. ... than have to look at some fucking video you saw. Instead of showing me this cloth in a tree, will you just put a finger in me? And so she pulls out a phone, mid-massage, starts showing, then what happens? Yeah. And sometimes what she's showing me is like other clients that she's judging that come in. What? No. Yeah, and she's like, look at her, this is come in. That she's like this person.

Yeah, and she's like, look at her, this is her. And she comes in and she puts the chiropractor and I'm just like, well, you know. What is she saying about these people? Like how many on their bodies or like, look how like fat, like what is she saying about these people? Like she's talking about how flirty they are with the chiropractor, how embarrassed they should be.

And like, you know, it's kind of judging them that way. And then they're just, got it. Weird. Now, are you getting Vibage? Can we get a name for this chiropractor, this massage therapist, just so we have something to call her? Yes, let's call her Georgia. Her real name is perfect for the lunatic that she is,

but let's call her Georgia. So we got Georgia. So are you getting vibes from Georgia that she's thinking there might be an Extra fee that you're gonna give her at the end of this when Georgia goes to work the peach fee like is there is she leading you towards saying like a World where you pay for the hour with Georgia, then you give a tip of $50 in Georgia Finishes what she started. Well, I don't think so because she has asked me multiple times like, are you seeing somebody yet or are you married? And then she talks about her

marriage and it's all very chaotic, of course, as you can imagine. Why would it be normal? But I have the number one advice. What? Block. Cut off this woman immediately. Okay. So never ever respond to a text message from her again. Block her. Don't go back to that chiropractic place if you're scared to see her again. Find another one. You might have to move. This one's trouble. The chiropractor's so good.

Okay, so hold on. Well then call the chiropractor and say, can I come in when that woman's not there? All right, hold on. We're getting there, Nikki. Oh, God, sorry. Hold on. We're jumping to the dessert. I'm so sorry.

I'm still in the hour-long appetizer. Yeah. We're still peeking. So Georgia, I'm peeking for sure. Turn over. Turn over. Turn over. And we got to go back to the front. You mind turning back over?

Let me just grab that white sheet and rip it off. Weird that I keep rotating. So Georgia, just so we're clear, she's peeking. She's judgy. She shows you the phone. There's a lot bad about Georgia. A nightmare. You do not feel like you're going to be assaulted,

but you surely don't like her. Is this correct? Where are we at? Take her over, walk us through, maybe get us out of this massage room and into the problem. Or? They're texting.

She's texting her later on about, how's your relationship? My marriage is shit. Like, that sounds like this woman is just like, let's keep being friends. Is she texting you? Is that true? Sorry, no.

It's at the table. No, she's not texting me. This is at the table. This is while you're naked. Sorry, sorry. Sorry. Okay. This is while she's peeking. Oh my god Why is they why are they talking? Yeah, okay Even if it seems like I want to talk I promise you I don't I'm just being nice Fake asleep God, okay, so it's at the table you're getting a lot of info Georgia doesn't understand social cues. Georgia's a wild card So now what's happening? It's a lot. She's wild. Well her massage itself is also You can figure it out. Why are you going? Yeah, her massage itself is also extremely violent

That's a wild term for massage Boy, what doesn't she offer? Right? Well, it's more of like a sports therapy space. Where'd you get the massage? In the alley behind the Arby's. Oh yeah, sports therapy. So it's pretty rough.

Oh, so she's pushing deep. Yeah, it's a chiropractor's office. It's, yeah, it's more sports therapy. So it's not a relaxing massage. It's more, yeah, deep tissue. So the massage is done and then she immediately is like, when are you coming in next? And then I feel scared because she's pushing for the second day. No, you don't do that. This isn't the depth. No, it's the next visit. Every time I decline a massage, she looks at me in this way as if she's putting a curse on me, I swear.

And it's just so weird and scary. And then I come in the next time and she kind of looks me up and down and she's mad at me that I didn't come back. You know she's pulling up your picture for her clients. Oh, yes. Absolutely. You are the massage spotter. There's a whole story going on about you and her head. You know who's particular. Oh my God. Okay, so you go back for chiropractic care and there's awkwardness. Yeah, because she's the five minute massage before the adjustment, right? And I've made up plenty of excuses like I'm busy, I'm busy with work, I can't schedule an hour massage, but she just keeps asking every time I go back.

So my question is, how do I get rid of her but still see my chiropractor who's awesome and super professional and very sweet and does a really good job? Wow, that is a great problem. What do you think is your first thought? I think this woman's behavior is so egregious that it does warrant protecting other people from this madness.

So it warrants you calling your chiropractor, writing her an email and saying, I wanna say you're the woman who does the massage. I went to her privately. She made me very uncomfortable. She talked about other clients, your other clients. I don't think that she, I wanna continue seeing her, but you, but I would like to come in when she's not there.

So don't say like fire her, but like I only wanna be there when she's not there. Can you let me know? It's totally fine if she's not, I can find someone else, but that's how I feel about her. I feel like that her, but like, I only want to be there when she's not there. Can you let me know? It's totally fine if she's not. I can find someone else, but that's how I feel about her. I feel like that's, they need to know. Can I pitch on your pitch? Yeah, please.

Legally, you're allowed to. Thank you. Yep. Have a peek. Just after the whole massage set up, I'm now in a danger zone that I put myself in the camp of a terrible- Pro-peeker?

Yeah, as a pro-peeker. So now I'm coming up very gently now. Okay, so you have a mea culpa. I'm not looking at your idea. I'm asking if I can pitch on it. Jake, I've never seen this side of you, this apologist. This one turned, this one turned. So I like what Nikki's saying on this,

but here's what I would be worried for you. This woman's an animal. Yeah. This woman's a psychopath. I don't like inviting an animal to my backyard. I'm not one of those people that goes like, anyhow, my name is Jake, this is where I live, that person sucks, you're an animal,

bye, have a good Wednesday. So what I would do is an anonymous Yelp reviews from multiple accounts that's very specific. Nikki, jump in, what'd you have? I love it. You're not lying, you're being anonymous, so it's not like you're like, don'd you have? I love it. You're not lying. You're being anonymous. So it's not like you're like, don't say like, I'm David.

Like try not to lie in this. I feel like we- Specific. The satellite is weird. The massage is violent. She's showing me, she's peeking. Somebody else- It's the perfect launch and anonymous complaint.

And then somebody else comments and go, oh my God, I believe she peaked too. She also showed me other women, I feel pressure to go in there. So then the chiropractor has to go like, Georgia, what's up here, babe? What are you doing? And she'll go, I don't do that.

There's 11 complaints. And then what you really hope for, Sam, is other people go, I've been holding this, I guarantee you're not alone. It's very difficult because you obviously wanna get the chiropractor care, but how do you avoid it? A few pitches on how to avoid it without going directly at it, okay?

First of all, I would say you have to say to the chiropractor, you no longer want the warmup massage. I don't think you need to have that. But is this woman lingering around then, being like in the corner with her arms crossed, like, I don't even want the warmup massage. I don't think you need to have that. But is this woman lingering around then being like in the corner with her arms crossed like she's not even gonna want the massage? I would do it with a phone call. I would call.

But you still gotta go. Picture like a gargoyle in the corner of your room hovering, like that's what she is. Sam, I don't think there's a way to keep doing this without having to deal with her. Cause if you skip the five minute massage, you have to walk past her and she's just going to stare curses at you. Yeah, but I have a part B on that.

Yeah. Arrange that you're not getting the massage. And when you go in, go in on crutches, just go in on crutches. Just make it seem like there's something different with you. You can't be touched in that way. It might just make her be like, that's weird. So just go in. It kind of murkies the waters a little bit. It really does. It's gonna make the adjustment a little awkward.

Well, I think that, I think that's- So you're telling me your ankle is broken? No, don't touch that. Yeah, yeah. What's with the crutches? But no reason. You just say you sprayed your ankle. You're just being extra safe.

I'm not saying it's gold. Okay, I gotcha. I'm not, listen, I feel- You're not even saying it's bronze. I'm not even Another thing I would do is Nikki said this before is she there every day Could you schedule it around when she's not there? Is that at all possible? That is the best logistical way to do it. That's it to just call and be like is there a day she doesn't work Hold on a voice hold on that voice. Yes. Hello. I'm a dude. You know, that's really I just call and be like is there a day she doesn't work hold on a voice hold on Oh, that's voice. That's hello. I'm Matilda

You know that's really I wouldn't lean in the voice, but that's really into the ball in and say is there any day? You have a different massage service if they say why say no reason. Yep. No reason Planting the seed or you email the chiropractor. Yes, and just say hi seed or you email the chiropractor. Yes. And just say, hi, uh, really love incoming. Don't want to stop question. Is there any other massage therapists who use if they say, no, not at this time, then go great.

Thanks. Yeah. We're just putting a seed in that garden to go, you got something weird cooking here. My man, look around. Well, here's the three quick points that i'm concerned about okay first of all i love my chiropractor so i don't want to change him too i'm afraid of saying anything to him because they are a very small business i don't know how close they are are with each other like

what if he goes up to her and is like hey this person complained about you know what i mean and then she like finds my address this is definitely also like the reviews, I don't want to talk their point. I don't, I don't want to like, I don't want to jeopardize their business reviews by giving us a bad reviews on the website because I really believe in their, in their business. Cause they are great. She's just the, she's the oil spot in the water. You're putting, you're putting yourself in a corner here and we're trying to help you win. So to make omelets, you got to crack some eggs. Yeah. Yeah. There's something that's got to give. You are not the one who did anything wrong.

Georgia's a fucking weirdo, dude. She's peeking at your private parts. She's talking the whole time. She's beating the fuck out of you. She's talking shit on other clients. Yeah. Her behavior is out of line. You don't want anyone else to experience what you went through with her. A Yelp review where you say love encaps the chiropractor. We'll keep going back. Dr. Blank is a 10 out of 10. Just wish the massage therapist didn't A, beat the living hell out of me, B, peek at me while turning over the sheets, 3, play this weird satellite music, and 4, and worse, show photos and gossip about other people's behavior.

That's good. It's an unsafe environment. I don't like it, but I love, love, love the business. And if nothing happens with it, I'll keep going back to him. And that's how much I love him. I will grin and bear through the weird peaking. How about this? Wild Pitch, you have someone who doesn't live in your town come to town for a chiropractic care visit.

Yours are too... There's too much work. Nikki, Nikki, welcome to the show. I have a feeling that this is what it is. But yours are filled with lies and like... Nikki, this isn't what we want it to be. I'm sorry, are you going on Team Peek? Is that what you want? Oh, I'm on team pay for all day I don't actually mind the peaking because I would maybe peak to if I was a therapist like your eyes

Can't help what you see Jake Jake? Jake Marinara sauce all day you never try it. I don't know what that means but a chef chef Yes, you make pace you do bagels. I like donuts all day. You don't like your fingers. It's all about Christ it's all about Finger after they massage me was one of the craziest things I could ever imagine, but I bet it happens a lot. Which leads me to having a friend come in from out of town. This is too much.

Hold on. It's an option. Unless it's you. But you have someone from like, whatever, you have someone from Milwaukee coming to town for a week, you go, hey, here's a weird ask. They go in there, they have the experience, during the experience, they lose their mind. They walk out, they go to the front desk. They go, this person is fucking out of their mind. This is what I was teasing you, Sam. Do you have anybody in your life who's funny? Who's weird? Who's willing to do a weird thing

and willing to, because if it happens and right afterwards the person goes, Hey doc walks right in after awful. Do you know what that massage? Well, here's the problem. How about this for a fucking turn? George is perfect that day. No, no, no. And then it's you.

Then the person goes, then we know, get the fuck away. It's validating that there's a person, Sam, that you could pull into this? Is that a reality you might do? Yes, I have plenty of options. Yes, present this to someone and someone who goes, I would love to do that. Yes, I agree. Because there are people that would love to do that. For fun and to help you out.

Yes. And if you do, I mean, you are kind of falling on a sword a little bit to just be like, look, this person's fucking crazy. You know what you could do? Should not be in this business. You know what you could say to them? Go do the hour long go do the thing if they're terrible with these things Tell the chiropractor if not tell me too

Yeah, because if not Fuck you're in a weird relationship. Well, yeah either way you get a little more insight, but that couldn't you know, it's your fault Yeah You prompted the people you not wearing. Yeah, honestly, how. You prompted the peaking. What were you not wearing? Yeah, honestly. How dare you? But Sam, do you think you're going to actually do that? So here's our kind of advice.

We'll give it to you all where it's confront her head on, make an anonymous yelp, don't go back, call and ask when she's not going to be there, or bring in a fun family member or friend or ringer to go through it. If it goes sideways, they go directly to the chiropractor immediately after. In reality, will you find somebody in your life to do this? Yes, I can do that. I think between going in or having somebody else write the review, I think I would...

No, Sam, it's not writing the review. It's if they go in, they're doing it in person. Okay. Yeah. Okay. They get the experience or they can call up right after right after it's then doing it so that if you can't find somebody, then you do the Yelp review. Is that what you're going to do?

Okay. Yeah. I think that's a good like planning and plan B. Let's do this. If plan a falls apart and you can't find somebody call back in and we're going to give follow up and we'll help figure out this Yelp review. I'll fly out. If you can't, if you can find a person and you want to call back in, we'll follow up and we'll discuss how to do it. But we're invested in this story. So let's see how this one the sad version is I fly out there and I'm trying to get peeked at she's pulling my towel So Sam follow up with us on this one we want to hear the end of it, okay, sounds great. Thank you so much

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that is called the thing we use? Yes, I agree. That's cool. Yes, and and they are when they say ultra soft Try it. I dare you. I'm gonna tell you a shot. Here's the reality. I dare you everybody I dare you has used a Kleenex. Here's the thing. You know what? I really feel you go Everybody should have a box of Kleenex. That's what I was. Yes, and I'm gonna tell you why uber and lift When I get an uber andft and I'm in the back

and they got the little mints, the little lifesavers, and they have a box of Kleenex, and I'm able to go put it in my pocket, my first thought is, thank you. You're taking a little shower back there, huh? Little one with the hand sanitizer. You're doing a little hand sanitizer, Altoiding it up. That's called a J.K.J. shower.

I get in the car, I go. J.K.J.'s got a big meeting. Not bad. I smell bad, my breath is bad, and my hands are dirty. So can you put your shirt back on? I smell bad my breath is bad my hand you're back on I'm actually what's the day I'm taking a jakey-jay anyway listen we we love Kleenex we have Kleenex all over the studio no we don't we did before that's somewhere but here's a lot of them you do here's the reality of

Kleenex we they are the best of the best we all know it if you're going to use a Kleenex don't buy an off-brand yeah buy a clean by the one of the best, we all know it. If you're going to use a Kleenex, don't buy an off-brand. Buy a Kleenex. Buy the one. Buy the one that's, we call it. Don't get those weird little packages that come that look like a little sandwich package that you have to open weird.

And like you said the other time we were talking about it, enough with the paper towel. That's just true. Also Kleenex's ultra soft tissues are hypoallergenic and allergist approved. So for this allergy season, grab Kleenex and face allergies. Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. Happy belated Mother's Day to all the moms that listen to the pod. Because the guys asked so many questions about the roast, we unfortunately lost our second call.

However, you can enjoy this extended chat with Nikki, followed by a follow-up. Enjoy. Okay. You killed that roast. Oh, can't wait to talk about it. Thank you, that's so nice. You must be. To such a level.

And I know you know, because you're a pro. I didn't know other people, I will say I didn't know other people would notice like everyone's like you worked you can tell the hard work It it it it worked. Oh, I had it was great. Yeah, I had when you were walking out Thanks as usual, but this one seemed like well was also I don't think you're ever gonna have a scarier room you have to walk out on no How was that highest risk level all all time in arena? But it was the biggest reward.

I mean, I was thinking about it. There is literally nothing. I'll I'll never get this much attention the rest of my life unless I die tragically. That's the only way my face will be everywhere. As a comedian or Will Smith punches me. That's the only time a comedian will be talked about. If he was there, that could have happened. You could have had both in one night.

If he had been there. Right. I actually I think you were right If he was there, you could have had both in one night if he had been there. You're right. I actually, I think you were right because it was live, because it was Tom Brady, because it was Netflix. It was like, even if you don't want, like when they used to do them on Comedy Central, you only watch those if you liked roasts. This was more, if you don't watch it and check it out, you're missing something that they're trying to do. It was like the MASH finale. Yes, it was like.

Levels of like, I've never, I don't remember, it's like the Super Bowl in terms of like, everyone's kind of talking about the next day. Well, that is kind of. But you also, it was like the Super Bowl that you won. I know. Which is crazy. Because it's what you are one of the.

I never thought I would feel this way. There's no competitive thing like this in comedy. You don't get in thinking like, I just want to someday win the live Tom Brady roast on Netflix. This is not a thing. You want to know why it happened, actually? Why? Because of all those jocks.

Because for them, there's a winner. Competitive. Yes, absolutely. You beat Brady. You killed Brady. Yeah. Well, he did really well. I mean, he did.

He Brady did in terms of, like, he worked hard and did his best as someone who is not a comedian could come in There and do he handled it all really well, but still it is like wait hold on. We're I mean he did okay He was pretty good. It was a three. It was three hours in That's a lot of setup for his thing. Yeah was it's the end of the game you bring in the best Yeah, and I was like fuck. Yeah, my man very confident. He always is and I was like this is good I have seen better tonight.

And I'm not a roaster, but that was, calabrian football is the best. I was like, you're gonna bring in the closer, get Nikki back up here. That's interesting. But yeah, he did say that. And you couldn't just buy in and you're like, yes, you are just an incredible human being.

That's what he represents to me, the pinnacle of human achievement. Yeah, agreed. And so it's just, he is the best in that sense. Like he's the best human that he's like a cheat. But you can do the setting and intention and making a statement that works in some things. For me, now I don't roast, I wouldn't want to do,

I would have been dog shit up there. You know you would have, but. I would have, but he he said get ready for the best He said his intentions clear. I'm about to kick some ass. He killed Peyton Manning. I was like, here we go big boy Then he started doing some in the middle where I was like, you're very good. You're a quarterback You have a great stage presence. You're good at jokes Yeah, this isn't the best of tonight if this is a football game, right and I'm the coach I'm going to sit your house. He didn't go to the after party. He got back, you know, and I'm the coach, I'm going sit your ass down.

He didn't go to the after party. He didn't? He got back. You know, like, no, he didn't. Well, because the show got nasty. It did get nasty. I'm sure he had to, like, process it. I don't think they, I don't think he,

I think he knew. He didn't know what he was getting into. I think he did his research. Obviously, he's Tom Brady. He knew, he watched out of the roast. He thought, oh my god, they went so hard on that person. They're not, they're not going to find stuff about me that, that is, I don't have any of these flaws that these other men or women have had in the past.

But I don't think he knew we were gonna come after him for like, you lost your family. Like, because that's not true. Like, he just lost his wife. You're the one that said he lost his family. Yes, I know. And he really didn't. I mean, like, I wanna be clear.

He did not, like, let's not go, he's a really good father. If I learn from all my research, he's actually a very good father. And did he lose his wife? We don't know what their relationship was. He might be glad. He even said, I lost the love of my life football.

Yes, but hearing the guy who took your weezy, eating her up while picking your ass, it's like, yes. I can't believe I said that to someone. I mean, I was questioning it all week. You should see me, a week ago I was like, in a really weird state of mind of like, oh, I wrote the jokes, I'm like, I'm feeling good about them.

And then it's like, wait, I actually have to say this to him. And are we going this hard? Because you don't know what anyone else is doing. So you're like, where's the bar? So you don't see anyone's script. No, and like, you know, Jeff Ross and I are like in the same clubs, but I don't be in the, I'm not in the room when he's doing his,

he's on the room when I'm doing mine, I think, even though I think I saw him one time. But he can be, because he's an executive producer on it, so I'm like, I guess he gets to watch. But we do have like a respect for each other in terms of that, but there's a part of, an element of that where you don't know where the line is, and so like, I think a day or two before, I found out someone was gonna make like an Aaron Hernandez reference and I go oh we can go there because I I didn't really

Know about that story, but in researching everything I could make fun of I got into that story I was like, oh, this is ripe and then I go this is too sad. This is like it's really it's all CTE related It's not like yeah, but he was also a dark dude before he was but like it's still Tragic like that guy was born. Oh, yeah before. He was, but like, it's still all fucking tragic. Like that guy was born into a situation where he was always gonna end up on that kind of track. It's really, really tragic. But at the same time, it's like, okay,

well I can't make an excuse for not saying that's too sad, but then I can't joke about this other thing, you know, something else. So it's all fair game. But Gisele was a little bit like, she made a statement that was like, I'm disappointed in it. And I'm like, fair.

Fair, I agree. Sure, I felt sad for her. You should be disappointed in me, but I might my thing is Giselle you have been bullying me my whole life by existing like just the way you look how dare she I have I felt You've killed victimized you feel yes, we're kind of even yeah I mean on my I don't I'm obviously joking when I say that but I'm kind of a little bit not because I I'm obviously joking when I say that, but I'm kind of a little bit not, because I definitely suffered with body dysmorphia. Like everything the girls in that group, even now,

but like in the 2000s, we all meme about how like tragic it was for young girls. And Giselle coming on the scene, I just remember being like, what is that? And how do I look like that? And I can never look, but I don't have, there's no, it's unreal. And it really did, she made me feel insecure

so much in my life. So if I did a joke about her getting her ass eaten, like, it's not the worst thing to wish on someone. You did a joke on, By your boyfriend? It wasn't like an unconsenting ass eating. I bet he eats great ass, by the way. Yeah, I'd say great, I'd love to be that to Juju's joke.

But you did a joke on him. I will say, your crypto, Oh, no. That was fun. I don't think there's ever been a more perfect joke at a more perfect moment. Because he's got such a, he's having such a moment. Like he's in everything and we're all kind of like, it's him? Like he's cool. Like he seems likable, but you're like, it's him?

And it started like, oh, everyone's going to hit him a little bit. But no one was going after Grant. It was like, and then you did the joke about crypto and it was like, oh, yes He's a gay man. It's just Tom was dumber. Yeah, and I was like, it was like this woman is killing such a great angle To take oh like like okay Well, he lost because we're trying to we wrote so many jokes about 30 million dollars He lost in crypto and like there's pages and pages of jokes that got tossed out that were so good,

but that angle of like, that you're an idiot, and then making it about Gronk, and then the act out of like, me no know what, but that was really fun. As well as Gronk, Gronk's reaction was so great too, because it was almost just, he paid it off again, part of the pun, by just being like, wait, what just happened?

Yeah, it was, I think the reason, my guess would be why Tom didn't go was not you guys, because I felt like the comedians were really funny, you guys were all, it was really clean, it was really clear what you were doing. If I were him, I would be mad at like, his friends, like Julian Edelman was like, hey, bottom line, you're a super weird dude.

And whoever this guy in the crowd, Alex Guerrero, I don't know his story, I don't know all the Patriots, but he would be like, I just want to be clear, like, hey, Tom, like, I like you, you've changed, you're weird as hell, and it's because of that guy, and you're weird as hell. And the next guy would go and be like, you're a great quarterback, man, but for real,

this is not on television, I'm on drugs and I'm drunk. You fucking weird as hell, man. I've had so many times these moments of clarity. I'm on drugs and I'm drunk Line I watch all these documentaries. There's not a single person from his past that was like I knew he'd be something Not even one usually they find one guy who's like I knew he had it not a one Oh Tommy, no, that's fucking cool that he was the only one he had really good parents and support parents But yeah, just proves what you can be is same with Kevin Hart Like I was surrounded by these guys that like believe in themselves so much don't question their success. It's gonna happen It's always gonna it's it's been happening already and sin to happen

And that's what I did. I was really doubting myself right before I went up Joke about of me. Yes. So Kevin Hart did a joke that I have in my set. That they were, it was Tom's fucking around so much, his dick has CTE and I say my clit has CTE. And I'm like, but I have a good tag for mine. He left, I had a tag that was like, I would show you Tom, but the NFL is making me cover it up. So it was like, okay, at least I have that tag.

But I was also like, it's the same fucking joke. And like, dumb people are gonna think like, why did she just tell the same joke? Smart people are gonna be like, oh, they didn't was also like, it's the same fucking joke. And dumb people are gonna think, why is she still the same joke? Smart people are gonna be like, oh, they didn't make sure they didn't have the same joke, but it's still not gonna do as well. And I was just like, fuck. So I'm panicking.

And then I have nothing, it's live, and there's no commercial break, so I have no producer to talk to to be like, can you take it out of the prompter? Like nothing to do. So my writer, thank God, is in the front row, one of the writers I worked with, and I just looked at her, and she's looking at me like,

and she's just, we're both like this, like shaking our feet, trying to think of another line really quick that can go after me saying he's on my fantasy team. But how could you even communicate it? You couldn't. I'm looking at her and I go, what do I do? And she's just like, and she's waiting,

and we're both talking, and she just goes, and then we both have the same calculation, which is there's gonna be enough time in between that the most audience is gonna forget about that show. I forgot about it It's actually the athletes. Yes. And so it subconsciously everyone will be like that's not as funny as I think it It's not gonna kill as hard as if it didn't exist before But they will have forgot they won't go wait a second. That was already heard it was the perfect amount of time maybe a minute before and it would have been not in that threshold of like That was already heard. It was the perfect amount of time, maybe a minute before

and it would have been not in that threshold of like, so she just looked at me and she goes, just do it. And I was like, yeah. And then I decided to do it, but I was still like, I was still nervous because there was a lot of jokes in my set that I was just like, I don't even know if this is gonna work in this setting. I've worked it out at the laugh factory,

but it's just, I was so nervous and then I started thinking about all the things that could go wrong and I was like, no. So you're doing that on stage. Oh, that's so much to. Yeah, because I'm thinking about that, this is all, this has been two weeks of running through all the things that could go wrong and I was like, no. So you're doing that on stage. Oh, that's so much to- Yeah, because I'm thinking about that. This has been two weeks of running through all the scenarios. But your head up there.

Yeah. Because one thing I felt nervous about you, especially where you went early, is I was thinking when they called your name and it was me, I wouldn't want to be a female at that point. I wouldn't want to be doing it. I was like, just wait right now. This didn't feel the moment. I had the best spot. You loved it. It wait right now. This didn't feel the moment.

I had the best spot. You loved it. It felt the best spot because Jeff had blown it open. Kevin had blown it open. Drew Bledsoe, who obviously wasn't as fantastic, like Joe Caffey and those other guys, but did a really good job. I wasn't going up to something unfollowable, but it wasn't dead. It's much better.

People go, no one should have followed you. It's like, no, it's good to follow people that are killed. Like you ride that momentum. But anyway, it was the perfect spot to have, but I just right before, like it was probably two minutes before I was getting brought up. During Drew's set, I was just like, you are gonna kill.

There's no world in which you don't. Like I really was like, you have to Tom Brady this. Like it's already done. It's, you're going to, everything's gonna be the best time you've ever done it. It's, I felt it through my body. I'm trying to like do manifestation stuff recently. And you have to like feel the feeling

that it's already happened. Like what's done is done. And you have to feel it, like physiologically. And you've prepared yourself. You are prepared. Yeah, I was prepared. Even if you feel nervous a little bit. There's no way, like there, I couldn't have prepared more.

It's like, I'm ready. So it went as I envisioned it. Like it kind of worked. But it is crazy because you are leading up to that moment. You are sitting there. You are like, holy shit, it's about to happen. You're doing it. It's going well.

You're probably feeling the groove. And then it's over, and you get a standing ovation. And then you sit down. And at the end of it, you did kind of like, not that you're going to pick someone who did the best, but if there was an MVP of the roast, you've clearly unanimously been you've been selected for that What did you think that was a thing?

Well, it wasn't but even before that when Kevin Hart then stopped it Oh, yeah, and just when you got the standing ovation that he did that He didn't do that No, but it was really class because there was a class in watching it I was watching I was doing the whole thing and he did a good intro But it was like a lot going on I was was like, fucking guys got a hard job. He's like running the room. He's going like, everything's good. He also was setting the tone for get ready.

This is different because it's not on Comedy Central. This isn't for a small roast group. You guys are at home. You might feel uncomfortable. Trust me. He did do a good job. He was great. He set the table. Then you killed in a way where when I was watching it, I went like, oh, now the thing is different.

Now we're no longer at the beginning. I was like, how's this gonna go? How's these jocks gonna be versus these? And the comedians were, it wasn't your usual roasters. It was more like, this is a new group. These are more podcasters. So I was like, what is gonna happen? You hit that and then I was like, oh,

and I liked that he said, perfect set, perfect. It was like, I think gonna happen? You hit that and then you were, I was like, oh, and I liked that he said perfect set, perfect. It was like, I think that's what everyone was feeling. I was fucking nice of him. Yeah, but also you must just be feeling so, it was really cool. It was really cool. You had to feel so good. And then there's so much left to do. I didn't know I had a standing ovation.

I wouldn't have known if Kevin didn't say it because I was just kind of like, I knew I killed and I didn't wanna, I don't like gloating at all. I'm not someone who's gonna do a fucking dance after I'm touched out. Like I just, I of like, I knew I killed and I didn't wanna, I don't like gloating at all. I'm not someone who's gonna do a fucking dance after a touchdown. Like I just, I'm like, it was, cause for me, everyone else has to perform. I don't wanna be like, and that's it folks, like, you know.

Game over. Yeah, cause it's kind of felt like it in that moment that that's what everyone was kind of, it was feeling. So if you look at me afterwards, I'm like, literally I turned into like an armadillo that I like, my spine gets turned and I'm just like, oh, thank you. Cause I don't want to feel like I just killed like, um, so when he said that it was really nice for me because I wouldn't have known.

And, um, and, and it was also like, you don't need to do that. Like, he told everyone how to feel about it. Really. Even though everyone felt that way already about it. I don't agree. I don't agree. Yeah. I think he said, I think he said, which I think was smart, but was in the air. I think it was so cool. I think he said, which I think was smart, what was in the air. I think every once in a while, and mostly it's a move where I don't, I didn't like those old stories of like,

Carson would pull somebody over and that meant you made it. That old world of the kingmaker, I'm like, I don't get it. I don't think that's what he did. I think he was trying to be really present. And he's like, I got three hours, I have to host this. Then he goes like, I got a teleprompter of jokes. Hold on That was fucking this night is really good I own this thing too. This is my ass. Mm-hmm. That was what we're doing here guys. Yeah, that was really

That's a really good point hearing that you weren't confident the Tom Brady before because when you walked in there was the feeling I was like I was like I I had a moment once you started, I was like, uh oh, here we go. Oh, good. I was like, what was the after party like? It was my mom dancing, my mom and dad were there, I flew them in for it, and so they were just really like, I'm Nikki Glaser's mom, just like,

and so it was me trying to manage that, but it was just like, I kinda kept in a corner, I really was like, kind of processing it all, just like, I kind of kept in a corner. I really was kind of processing it all. And I was getting a lot of attention, which felt inappropriate around other people that had also performed. You must have been a little tired. So I was kind of like, I just want to get away

from having to be like, well, we all, I felt too much. It was a gloating thing. You felt about it was your night when you were like, but we're a group over here together. Yeah, I didn't want to be like, it was a lot, thing. You felt about it was your night when you were like, but we're a group over here together. Yeah, I didn't want to be like, it was a lot, but it was fun. There are a lot of comparisons to Tom Brady, like you were saying before.

The fact that you had this big event, you fucking crushed it, you were kind of the focus of it, and you kind of now have the trophy a little bit and are driving around town with it, deservedly so. I really am. But it's deserved, but it has to be, it is a little strange. It is. There's nothing I could not have predicted until it happened, until it literally happened. I don't think anyone knew this was going to be this big of a deal or there would be some chance to have something come out of it that is this big of a deal. Yeah.

A real moment. I'm Taylor Swift for a couple of days. It really feels that way. My of a deal. It's just a real moment. I'm Taylor Swift for a couple days. It really feels that way. My face is everywhere. People are hearing people talking about me in other conversations. There isn't something that's culturally this big in America. You know what it is?

Really ever. Is that this used to be entertainment. Entertainment, Rob Reiner told me a story about All in the Family. We were talking about what it was like then, and he was talking shit about what it was like here and already like 2012, and he goes, we used to have a joke that we knew was gonna land,

let's say it was like at 7.45, and you go, we record it, we know it's gonna hit, he goes, you could hear America laugh together. And I was like, man, in the world of like dogshit ratings and streamers, I don't get it. Nope. Everybody's somehow tuned into that. Yeah.

It felt like an event. It felt like an event and that event hit and when you plan something like this, no one was bad, like everybody scored, but it was like when you watch a Super Bowl and there's a big game, that's how Patrick Mahomes became, you go like, this flicking dude is doing it. How Tom Brady can go, well they're losing,

and then you go, what's this fuckin' weirdo doing? You go, I don't care what that guy, if he only eats avocado ice cream, he's that good! And then when something is that good, I think we as people, we all just love it. And you had that moment. I'm feeling it. It's so interesting.

There's a little bit of people who have never been nice to me or being nice to me but it's mostly like everyone's just like Genuinely happy for me in a way that I never felt like when you have success in this business Yeah, you know people I've felt it here and there when you have things come out and stuff But this is just like people running into me just going You I'm gonna tell you another reason why this is different though. It's just like a weirder different. Let's say there's an announcement on deadline that you sell a show to NBC about your life.

Yeah. Who cares? If I see you, I'm not going like this. Girl, you did it. No, you're not. The reason this is different, it was a scary tense environment. What I liked about the roast, it was not comfortable. Those athletes, you know it's not just alcohol at that party.

You're like, but it's different. You're like, you're inside the locker room in a way that like we have now turned athletes into like lovable cuddle bears who are there on Sunday morning being like, hey, it's Fox News. You're right. I did get in a lot of trouble for trying to kill people on the field and they all said I turned into somebody else

and then you watch documentaries about like University of Miami where they'd have a group and they would fight each other in the locker room. Wow. But now we know all these athletes is being like, that was a different time. Yeah. Tune in at nine.

My brand. You saw how they were outside of Fox Sundays in the morning and you're like, there's nasty, there's competition. Yes, there's vulnerability. There's like their fear of Belichick. They're like, you know what? Actually I'm going to tell it coach.

What? Like, like Gronk's like struggling with themselves. It was so fascinating. Belichick who chose nothing. Now you know what it was. And then watching Tom watch him. I was like, this is a tough dynamic when Belichick gives Bledsoe a big hug at the end No Peyton Manning he gets up to hug Peyton while Brady's there and I wanted to be like dad just say to Tom

To do it stop fucking with I am so he fucks with him so much I don't think I loved Belichick that night Yes, but I I watched that you know, Patriots documentary, The Dynasty, which was fantastic. And what an asshole that guy is. Will you fucking tell Tom that he did a good job? Even once? Even that night you felt it.

Yes. What was the vibe in the air? You know, I'm on the side, it sucks because I wanted to be able to see it because it was so much from the side, but the vibe in the air was, when Rob threw that glass, the vibe was like a little bit like, what the fuck was that? Like that was so much from the side. But the vibe in the air was when Rob threw that glass, the vibe was like a little bit like, what the fuck was that? Like that was kind of dangerous and weird. Also, you could have gotten people's eyes in the crowd.

It was very dangerous. He's lucky. I mean, he really played into the stereotype that had been set up all night about him. I think that's probably part of it too. Yeah, he did us a favor. It's also what it is. You're like, that's who he is.

And then Julian Edelman doing all, I mean, I gotta re-watch his set. He said ridiculous things. He was so funny. And then Ben Affleck miming, giving a deep throating. Yeah, totally. Like that was a strange moment.

There was also funny, Kevin Hart called out that white boy humor is a lot of second dick. That was right. And he's like, that's never been called out as it is. And I thought the amount of times I've said to other white guys, like, and I suck you dick. And I'm like, I do that joke as well. And then all the white guys at a certain point were like,

you know, I'm a football player, I'm a badass. I would eat your ass, Tom. And Tom's going like, you got it, man. I'm like, this is a thing we all have to stop doing. That was a great observation. It might be the night that I think Kevin Hart might have ruined it for white guys. We're not allowed to do this anymore.

He called it out. You're so right. And it's not over. Even after he called it out, the jokes kept coming because they were already in the problem. Oh, yeah. They couldn't take it out. They were like, ah.

It was live. But you're like, poor Ben Affleck. Hold on. Skip ahead. There's a lot of ass-eating stuff here. Poor Ben Affleck. After it's a white boy joke, it's a white boy joke, it's weird him having to go like,

be like, aw, Ben, awful. After it'd been ruined. Yeah, it was, but that was, it was a weird magical night. Yeah. Well, you, truly thank you for coming on because you're having a moment. This episode is brought to you by Aura Frames. Yes, Jake.

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Fylo has shows, movies, live TV for just $25 a month You can even try it for free with a seven day free trial I tell you if you got a seven day free trial and you don't have a TV system you're liking try it for free Yes, there's no contracts. There's no commitments. There's no hassles. It's a better way to watch TV and they have a lot of shows Yes, we could highlight a lot that we like, but why not just start a challenge with love after lockup? By the way, quiet on set, the dark side of TV. Did you see that?

Yes. Crazy. But don't sleep on love after lockup. I agree, by the way. You and I are so connected with this sort of stuff. Philo has more than 70 channels like bet MTV and AMC And it's free for a week and it's like 25 bucks. Yeah a month. There's no contracts. No commitments No hassles just a better way to watch TV. That's actually right all that action Kevin You're moving around like a fucking drug. So why don't you sign up today?

Skipping around why don't you sign up today at filo dot TV slash Gil sent me. That's right everybody. That's Why don't you sign up today at Filo.tv slash Gil Setme. That's right everybody, that's P-H-I-L-O dot TV slash Gil Setme to get 50% off your first bump. Filo! Buz, buz, buz, buz, buz, buz, buz, buz, buz, buz, buz. Buz, buz. Well we had to, but we chatted so much I think we lost a call.

Um, I'm sorry. No, it's not your fault. It was us, it was us. Um, but do you mind if we chat a little more? Is that cool? I love chatting. Okay, all right, great, great. But do you mind if we chat a little more? Is that cool? I love chatting. Okay, all right, great, good. All right, awesome.

That's all I wanna do. Yeah, okay, well actually, can I have you guys help me with a problem? Yes. And this is kind of like, this kind of has to do, there's piquing involved. Please, go. Okay, so I did-

And this is true. This is true. I literally have to decide today and I just can't decide. I did a PETA shoot, the naked PETA shoot, the famous one where it's like, I'd rather go naked than wear fur It's like a way for women to get naked and have an excuse that they're doing it for charity Yeah, it's the it's the best thing ever I've been a vegan for years and dying for them to ask me because if you just do a shoot where you're like

I'm hot people are like cool. You know you're very you but this is for like animals It's like the anti Carl's jr. So I have two pictures Okay, I have to decide between and will you guys look it's I I think I've covered up enough in them Yeah, are you comfortable having on the phone? We put them on the screen? I'm pretty naked in this but my nipples are covered so it's fine but I want to know if I go with the sitting one or the standing one and why each why you chose that and I don't know if I can show this on the podcast itself, but it's still me I think if it's out by then then it'll be fine. Yeah, right. I am if I can show this on the podcast itself, but I think it'll still be. I think if it's out by then, then it'll be fine.

I am very nervous to show this. I'm not trying to be like, look at how hot I am. This is literally, I'm not trying to find, there's no sexuality in this for me. I just, here we go. Oh dear. Let us talk without you. Be like, you're not here.

You're not here. Oh, that's great. That's a great one. My jokes kill, my clothes don't. I don't like that slogan, I just wanna say. It's too, like, I'm funny. Boy, look at that. So are you fully, when you do it, are you?

I wore a nude thong, you can see, but like, yeah. It was like all females in the room. So that one kind of looks like, can I talk? I'm sorry. The one against this is it looks like I'm singing, but I don't hate that, because I do have a single coming out. Like I'm trying to have a singing career at some point. So don't mind it.

I just started trying like four years ago. I was like, I've always wanted to do this. So that's not something I'm opposed to, but it's supposed to look like stand up, but it could be a bit where I'm going like, I'm doing an act out. No, that doesn't. I think that's true.

It doesn't feel like stand up to me. Okay, yes, okay, it does. The next one definitely does. It feels like you're at a stand up place, but but you're singing so the standing one is more stand-up Okay, so that's one. These are the two options. Yeah two for sure Two for sure. I really yeah percent. Okay, I agree. I think your eyes are open It's there's something weird about the city one. Okay, and I don't know what it is. They're both really flattering picks Yes, but one the where vegan written the way the legs are cropped

There's a lot going on where I'm like the facial expression that looking that way. Okay This one is just like a then done deal. Yeah, that's like I wanted was like an like an emphatic that one because Mike, you know, my girls chat is torn my Assistant like everyone I'm sending to, it's kind of- I'm a hundred here. And I'm so glad to hear that. And I wanted a male perspective that is, and also the element of that looking like stand up

and not one not. I also like that your hair is covering your nipple versus like something feels censored. Yes. I would say everything I like about this. Okay, you can take it off the screen. Thank you so much. Yes, okay, thank you guys.

I'll send the standing one. Great pictures though. Thank you. You guys feel great about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was actually, you know, usually, I don't know how you guys feel about photo shoots, but it's like-

The worst. It's horrible. It really is horrible. And I don't like to look at the, sometimes it takes months for me to like look at them. There's something really weird about having to go, like when you perform, having to actually just try to be judged

upon how you do in stills. It's fucking weird. There's no control. And when you run out of faces or poses and you're like, what is happening for these 30? Can I just ask a random question and if this is annoying, tell me to shut up? Shut up.

So that whole thing right there, there was a lot of obvious insecurity and blah, blah, blah. Yeah. But hold on. Your performance, that person who blah, blah, blah. Yeah. But hold on your performance, that person who walked down stage, that was one of the most confident human beings. I mean, I've ever, I think one of the reasons why what I love about Tom Brady is at the end of the

game, I'm at home eating chips with wings on, I have anxiety, stomach aches. I'll be like, there's a minute left. And then I'm at home eating chips with wings on. I have anxiety stomach aches. I'll be like, there's a minute left. And then I'm like, how are you calm, motherfucker? Everybody's watching. When they called your name up, I was like. I am, I am Tom Brady when they call me up, but like off, off that kind of, when the eye pressure is on,

like I turn into a different, it's, I'm the same person, but I'm the best version of myself. No, I don't doubt myself. As long as I'm prepared. Interested. You know, like, I'm fine. But like... Yeah, like, when I did that shoot,

I was totally confident. Like, I was like... It was great because I'm usually so worried about my face. I'm like, no one's looking at my fucking face in this. Like, it's like kind of... And my body is whatever it's gonna... Like, and you can... It was just... It felt freeing in a way that was like,

I really enjoyed that more than I've ever with a shoot with clothes on, honestly. Like, it's been easier for me to look at pictures from it. It's a weird thing, but yeah. I am probably one of the most insecure people you'll find. So how did you get into standup? What's your whole arc in doing? It's like, I've talked about it so much,

so it sounds, I hate to say it because it sounds like I'm always talking about my dark, dark past, but I was anorexic, I almost died from it, I was gonna die, and talking about my dark, dark past, but I was anorexic. I almost died from it. I was going to die. And then someone was like, you should try stand-up comedy. I tried it and I was like, okay, I have a reason to live because I wanted to be on TV, but I was not getting booked.

I wasn't getting roles in plays. I wasn't getting to go to theater school. I wasn't a good enough singer. I didn't know how to play an instrument. So I was like, I guess I'll just like die. And so I caught anorexia and then I was literally dying. Literally dying. And then I tried stand up,

which I didn't even know was a thing, like I never even considered to do it. But then I was good the first time. Like I had, it was the first thing I was like. In Cincinnati? No, I was at college, I was at my freshman year of college. I just did a campus thing and I was like clearly better than the rest.

And I was like, this is the only thing I've ever been good at in my like exceptional act. Like I wasn't good for many, many years, but it was just, you know, when you know. What do you think it was about that first one when you knew like, oh, there's something that I can do here. It was like, I could write a joke. Like I could treat a joke like a math problem

and like solve it and really do a turn of phrase that would really surprise people. And I was studying Silverman. When I decided to do that show until I did it, I found her. It was like 2002, three? And I was just obsessed with her. And so I looked at how she wrote a joke

and was like, can I kind of figure out how to do this? And I was like, oh, I think I can. I think I'm actually not so bad at this. It was just, you know, you have that moment where you're like, well, finally I'm exceptional at something. It's really cool. With Stand Up 2, when you actually first are like, when you pass the threshold of like,

I'm good enough to keep going. I'm not killing, I have notes on myself, but you're like, I see the path ahead, kind of. I knew it was gonna take eight to 10 years. Yeah, which they just tell you basically in the orientation. But you kind of don't believe it. You think there's a way to skip it, but there isn't. You're not allowed, if you did believe it,

it probably would not make it possible. While you're doing it, you're going like, I actually think I'm gonna beat, and then you bomb, and you're like, oh, I do suck. But it's enough of a carrot where you're kind of following it the whole way instead of looking at it like a 30 mile, like 30 miles away. I didn't, yeah, I didn't really think

about the future that much. I was just like, just try to be as good as you're supposed to be at three years in. And now that I'm picked up guitar and singing, I'm like, trying not to compare myself to 39-year-old singer songwriters. I'm like, OK, I'm comparing myself to a 12-year-old on YouTube. Am I as good as them? like, okay, I'm comparing myself to 12 year olds on YouTube.

Am I as good as them? Okay, good. I'm in the right trajectory. One of the things that is so great about being able to talk to you right after this thing, which you are agreeing with is a moment, a crazy moment in time that is really rare, hard to come by, is that I've known you for quite a while, and you have been like grinding it out doing so many different things for so long, still becoming very popular and doing very well. But you've done so like when I first met you when we both had shows on MTV, you had Nikki

and Sarah live, which was we were both kind of just like, what the fuck is this? And it wasn't going great. And it was very strange, very strange time at MTV, but you kept getting gigs as it went on and you kind of kept progressing to the point where you kind of have like, you seem like one of those people where, you know, it didn't happen for you as fast as maybe some other standups, but now that you're here, you are so prepped for it.

And it's so, there's such ownership over it yes and probably even from this moment going forward you're just gonna keep I can sustain it now and you can see that it's gonna get bigger and bigger and yeah you can it's it wasn't over you have the proof yeah you are so fucking funny you are such a good stand I know how to do the work that's gonna yeah it's like it's came at the right time there were so many chances along the way and you feel like a failure when that show gets canceled or that show never even gets picked.

All the things that you think are gonna be your future, but I'm so glad, I was always pretty okay though. Like after the first show got canceled and I realized like, oh, people forget really fast. Oh yeah. And it's onto the next thing. Was that, was that Nikki and Sarah Lyme? Yeah.

Yeah, but then it was like, you know, okay, I'll do a reality show. I'll host this dating show. I'll just like, and if they go away, I don't care. You did Blind Date, you did FBoy. You even did a show that followed you going home. Yeah, an E called Welcome Home, Nikki Glaser. I just, I'm like, now at the point I'm lucky enough if it sounds fun and it's like something, I don't know, now people are like, what do you want to do?

What's your movie? I'm like, I don't really want to write a movie it seems hard what do you like I mean that is it's funny to follow up the question you don't like with the question you don't like but like if someone were to be like what is your like do you just want to keep pursuing stand-up now is the next thing that I would like to do that I'm like okay that would be a really cool goal and be like I did that but I think keep doing standup, keep figuring out, keep writing music and incorporating that. And like, ultimate goal is like, Taylor Swift asking me to be in a music video

in like a comedic way. Oh my God. That's so possible. Honestly, like, I think that's it. Like, she tends to have comedic moments in her stuff and cameos. And so I'm like, okay, that's like a really, that will be the coolest thing I could ever do.

Performing with her in some aspect, because she's my favorite person. Like, that would be really cool but I'm really like happy with my life I mean I really like it's so cool to see like I don't really right now for you guys it is so it's not it's not it's really hot as it just it must just feel like a little bit like a whirlwind over the past it is it's like one of the let's like my life will never be the same kind of things so what are you gonna do like when do you? Like when do you go home?

When do you have a break now after this? I'm going to do press in New York after this and then after my special comes out next week and then I go back to St. Louis and then I'm just back on the road every weekend and I just signed a deal with a promoter that has me like the next 200 shows. So that could be over the next two years

or 10 years if I want. So it's like, I'll just be, I just tour every night, every weekend, I'm out on the road. And then just keep shooting specials, but keep doing fun stuff. Like I just did, are you smarter than a celebrity? Like game shows and stuff coming out here for that.

I just like saying yes to fun things where I get to meet and hang out with fun people. Travis Kelce hosted that. That was really exciting for me. And then I got to do Natasha sitting next to me. And by the way, get us closer to the goal. I know. We're in the blood. He did, And by the way, get us closer to the goal. I know.

We're in the blood. He did, he said my name today on New Heights on the podcast. And he said, if I ever do a roast, Nicky Glazer's gotta be there. And I was like. Oh, how about, I heard you also, Todd Bowles. I know, he's a fan. But like, it's the weirdest. That was so weird.

He's like a 60 year old guy. And he was like, I haven't seen the roast yet, but I love Nicky. And he's like, I'm like, what is happening to this woman? That was so weird. He's like a 60 year old guy. And he was like, I haven't seen The Roast yet, but I love Nikki. And he's like, what is happening to this woman? That was so funny. I didn't know Tadpoles had ever seen any comedy ever. It does not seem like he would be like, I love comedy. Now I know how absurd that is, because so many of my guy friends wrote me, Todd Bowles is a fan, please look him up.

It was so funny. I thought he was saying that because he had just seen it. But like, you're enjoying it here in Spain. I hadn't even seen it. like got into football because of Taylor Swift I am one of those people that literally started going like there's something to this This is actually really fun to watch and I've always been like I don't get it Not in a way that was judgmental is like I really wanted to understand and enjoy football and now I do and I'm like Oh now I'm like in with that like now I can go to games and stuff and start like I can you could go on the

sidelines I mean Everybody in the NFL world watched that roast. I can't believe that is so exciting to me. That's just on a mission. Your world now, like if, when the season starts, the first big game on NBC, you should be on the sidelines. Just like before the game, you're now part of the NFL world. I have so much research to do. I'm roasting Brady. I can't wait. This have so much research to do. I roasted Brady.

I can't wait. This is so exciting. Who is your team? Do you have a team? I don't, will you guys help me? Well, I mean, you're from- I mean, no, no, chiefs are my team. Chiefs are my team because I'm from St. Louis.

Yeah, it's perfect. And it's Travis Kelsey. That's a great name. It's my team. And then you go to the first Chiefs game of this season wearing a Taylor Swift jersey. I gotta go. I am so, and oh my God, yeah, this is so exciting for me.

This is my new identity. There's a big play there too. This is my new identity. I needed one. Swiftie was, it's like, Swiftie will always be there, but like a Chiefs fan is like, I feel really. There's a lot of alignment here in a way that feels pretty determined.

Oh my god. I genuinely think you should push into the, I am into the NFL now by roasting Tom Brady Yes, the way you did. Mm-hmm every split every person who likes the NFL has seen that everybody who's seen it I had to go who had didn't know before went that girl Nikki Glaser whoever's that is. She's really funny I'm gonna start I'm actually gonna start trying to understand the game and like learn the nuances and be able to speak, because I feel a little bit of a, I tried to get into it, you know,

my boyfriend bought a board with magnets to teach me about the game, like back in October, and then this Tom Brady thing came about, so I was like, I was already kind of educating myself. I had so much more knowledge than I would have going into Tom Brady because of Travis Kelce, but now I just, it's a lot to learn though. I'm excited though.

You should lean into being a Chiefs fan. I'm going to hard. Flex that muscle. Mahomes and Kelce and who the coach is named. Andy Reid. Andy Reid of course. The human walrus. Yes.

Okay. I'm really going to dedicate myself. I hope Chiefs Nation accepts me. You should also try to do a all-state commercial with Kelsey. I mean, with moms. Dude, you're so right. You should get into that galaxy a little bit. And the other thing you should do for your special,

you should do the, whenever I do press, I'll do like the sports press. Yeah. So I'll do like, you know, you do like Rich Eisen, you do the NFL Network. You do the whole, you do Wake Up NFL, you do all those shows because now you're connected to that world.

Because all of them wanna do what, the reason we lost a call was cause I geeked out talking about the Rose. We don't do that. But I'm like, it was the mixing of the worlds. It's the mixing of the worlds. I'm so excited to be in that world. So all of those players seeing that whole like locker room,

how they were hanging out, I'm like this is weird It's so common. I did dominate a guy who we never see get dominated I I would push the we're here to help to you. I am push hard in this for I am really I'm sending an email to my my Special yes, because a lot of people who watch like that woman who called in yeah She was when she said she hadn't watched it. I was like, that's right because it's NFL Yeah, so you could get a huge boost everybody who watches the NFL. Yeah, saw that guess what? I'm doing on Saturday night. Yes, I'm checking you should I'm like start calling yourself roast

The like goat of the roast because Tom Brady, I mean you did win the rough. Okay, but I don't know Yeah, I'm just because that's kind of Jeff Yeah, you know gross master. Yes. So Nikki. Here's a clear pitch Here's a clean pitch. You got SNL you got special you got 200 gigs. You're fine The clean pitches you get on the Kelsey podcast, whatever that's called Yeah, and your goal is to be in the box with Taylor opening game. And I think if you even mention that. Yes, I guarantee.

Hold on, let me feel like it's happening. Put it in your body, you're right about to get on stage. There you go, keep going, Jay. You're in that box with her. I'm walking back into the box. She's kind of ahead of me, I don't know if I should walk next to her or with her, and she goes, come here, walk with me.

And she wraps her hands. We walk like this. Because we're like besties now. Then while you're in there, what is she talking about? I have this idea for this music video. Yes! Oh my god. Oh my god. Now you're shooting as friends.

I mean, that dream is right there. Eating me vegan chicken wings, dipping it into the ranch and the ketchup like she does, like we know she does in the box. Oh my god. This is an okay peak. So when you go do, you know, this is a great piece This is the right kind of the right peak guys, but now let's violently massage the body when you go do the whole press tour Everybody you say you just go like this. I'm just really hoping that Taylor Swift who I love more than football got me into it I just want to be in the suite with her. I want to be doing the thing with her.

I want to watch football with her. Do you think that is going to what, she's going to see that and go, let's make that happen? Or is she going to be like, that's so desperate? No. Maybe that's wrong. Maybe I pushed too far. What do you think?

I really want advice. I think the podcast is the way. I pushed too far. You can definitely do the podcast. I think talking about on that, first of all, you're a Chiefs fan. Second of all, since you've become a Chiefs fan kind of by proxy of watching this relationship,

you just wanna end up in that box. You can do that in a way that's funny, but also there's like, she's a little serious. I belong there. I know I do. You do. You know what? That's the idea.

It's I belong in there with her because she's the best. She would have a great time with you. We would have so much fun. And to pitch it, if you ever do see this, Taylor, I'm not gonna, I will always worship you and think you're the best thing in the world in a way that I do of all my best friends who I can be very comfortable and cool around

and not make you feel weird. High risk, yes. I love you like a best friend already. You see a line. But we would have so much fun whispering. There's no flags on this friendship Yeah, and I will keep secrets for you forever In fact yesterday TMZ outside of Jimmy Kimmel was like as a Swifty

Can you comment on the fact that Lana Del Rey was caught same but and I go as a Swifty no comment And so I your secrets will always be safe with me girl. I mean that is It is I now I have to be honest. Is she Sam and you're Georgia? No. All she wants to do is watch the game. Jake, I'll answer on behalf of Nikki. I'm saying this as Nikki's friend. No, you're not.

Dude, you're so right. She's going like this. I'm going. I'm thinking of walking him and you're going like this. And the other thing, I was like, thank you forever. Look at these photos. Yeah, it's too much. I'm going to massage your butt with my elbow.

It was giving Georgia, okay. You're giving Georgia violence. I need to back it off, okay. You're just in a suite together, chill out, dude. It's chill. You're not gonna defend her honor, she's not your best friend. Listen, you've got it, you're right there.

No she is though. No she is, Georgia, Georgia. But Taylor, Taylor knows that her Swifties are, she just, she hasn't become friends with us, but I bet she would admit, like, if you love my music and love me the way that I love my fans, you would be my friend. Because I have the same relationship with some of my fans

where I'm like, if you listen to my podcast, which is like not funny, it's just me like crying and being like full on every day, like I just come in like whatever I am. Then you're with me. Then you love me. I think that. You could be my friend.

When they come and meet me and they go, I think we could be best friends. I go, we could, but you live in Milwaukee and I'm not, this isn't gonna happen. So I do understand. I think she understands it. But you know who also feels this way? Hmm.

Georgia. Georgia. Georgia. She goes, if you're in my room for an hour, I love you I care about you I know your body I've peaked I've seen everything I'm like, yeah, I love every part of you. I know you I massage you hard because I care we gossip And you know what Sam wants just a massage and to get that chiropractor, you know Taylor wants to watch the football game Right a little like a little twist of my mental illness.

And I could go, it would go to all fours. You say it, you are saving. No, but I think it's gonna win. I think you're gonna get it. I think, I really, I feel, I have awareness that I don't wanna be a Georgia and I would never. Exactly. Because you're the person who roasted

Tom motherfucking Brady. Fucking Brady. And I'll do it again. And like, I'm gonna, yes, you're right. That's who I am. We literally helped me. And then, and then the thing is now, now hold on. So let's, all right. So there you are.

I have like a trajectory for my career. Great. Now how do we, how do we slot into this? I am. How do we slot into this? Kim Kardashian DM'd me on the way in. What? What?

Your guy was meeting me outside to find, cause I couldn't find the place and I texted him. And he goes over here and I go, hey, I'm really sorry. I just have to finish up this this text I'm sending. What did you say? And then I then I go, I'm so sorry about that. I go, Kim Kardashian just DMT. He goes, really? Like he was the first person to find out before anyone.

What did she say? She said, you killed it on the roast. What did you say? And I wrote back, Kim, oh, my God, I was trying to make eye contact with you every chance I could to mouth to you Kim, oh my god, I was trying to make eye contact with you every chance I could to mouth to you, you fucking killed girl, which was no surprise after your SNL monologue, which was elite. You are so talented.

Thank you so much for writing me. It was so nice. Did you think she wrote back? I don't know. Should I check? Of course. This is going to be so anticlimactic if she didn't. If it just says scene.

No, but if she didn't, she's Kim Kardashian. Maybe it's just scene. If it says scene, that's not great. If it says scene, then yeah, you're all thanks. And you capitalized killed it. I don't know how you do this. It's abuse. L.O.L. How about this? Fuck. Yeah. In town for a couple of days.

How about a coffee? Whoa. Is that insane? Is that Georgia? That's no. I don't know. I did not get the vibe that she wants to hang out. I like if I get that ever. this just about this I will jump on a big fan Hopefully we cross paths again. Yes, or do you let it go? Do you drop it here? I will say I'm not following her I'm sure she saw that because it probably said like follow back, you know when you following you I don't know

I don't even want to look cuz I'm so horrified that like when people but I'm only not following her because she's Too pretty and it was triggering. Here's what you do. It wasn't because I was not a fan right back and late I'm a little late tonight follow it'll be buried. She won't yeah. Yeah. Well, she's got so many I bet yeah, she won't know she's not gonna wake up You would notice is that it says follow back like when you go to someone's profile Yeah, I mean God it would be so humanizing to be like she's just like me in a side note We're not going deep on this because we're obviously talking Kim Kardashian, but Kevin doesn't follow us. Yeah, Kevin won't follow us. We've worked with them for almost a year. Is there a reason? Now it's just out of particular.

I don't follow most people. I just follow my sisters this year. He does follow people. He follows other people he does podcasts with. But yeah, Nikki, you are the best. You guys are so fun. This was another wildest episode. Really? We've never done this much like this. Oh, really? But we've never, the moment you're on, I think it threw us both. Oh, it was so fun.

It was really fun to watch. I'm such a fan, keep doing what you're doing. We're such fans of yours. You're so fucking, I've been a fan of yours for so long. And I just watch you from afar and just, you're incredible. And I've known you forever, but I haven't met him yet. And so I have to gosh a little I've been a fan of you for a long time and like Gareth I've known you and I got a stomachache watching you go up and I thought this is a skit cuz you know

I'm also a stern fan. So I've seen yeah Like you started yeah, yeah how you're like what they, won't they with Mark the Bagger? Yeah, exactly. Well, like you've just, you've incorporated into that world where I'm like, oh, this is a really nice win for her. Oh. You know whose arc you kind of remind me of, especially of writing your own ticket. A young, a young lady out of, I believe Nashville, but I could be wrong there.

You mean? The little singer songwriter. Yes. A kid who said, I'm gonna do things my own way. And who enters world where people go, are all these songs the same? And she goes, no, they're, this is what I'm gonna be writing. And then she starts dating a football player and a lot of people go, that's not what we want from her. But she said, you know what happened when somebody stole her whole library? What'd she do? She goes, I'm gonna

fucking do it my own way again, Taylor's version. You know who I'm not? I've learned a lot from her. I really have. I think you might learn a lot from each other. I don't think this is a Georgia Sam. I think these are two Sams.

Oh my God. And you're the Georgia. And I wanna be- That means so much to me. Well, Nikki, you are having a moment. We are very proud of you. Keep telling it. Thank you, Nikki.

Thank you guys. Come back whenever. Whenever. That means a lot. I will. We'll do a proper intro where we'll. Oh yeah. A little special.

All that. Thank you so much. Seriously. Thanks so much for coming. This episode is brought to you by Dewar. Dewar is a clothing company that we've been very excited about. As you can see, I'm wearing the pants. I'm wearing the shirt. They are comfortable. It stretches just right. If you're listening, go on YouTube just to see this goddamn fit. In the first one, the setup of that was I had gotten clothes for Gareth and

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This next follow up is from episode 73 of the podcast that is with the first caller of that episode, which is called You Are Not the Barber with Daryl Johnson and John Feitelberg. It came out a few weeks ago on April 25th. So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Hello. Hi there. Welcome back to We're Here to Help, America's Number One Podcast. We know that you're following up. We don't know who you are or what the follow-up is. So can you tell

us your name and what the first call was? Assuming it was just one. Yes. Yeah, this is Jackie. I had called you guys about my hairdresser dilemma. Oh, yeah. Right. Yes. Yes. You had a We had two. Two about my hairdresser dilemma. Oh, yeah. Right. Yes. Yes, you had a... Well, you had two. Two hairdressers. Yes.

I had to break up with one of them. Yeah, one broke up, then one came back and one did a really bad job. Then they did highlights. Yeah. Yes. Well, and you basically, you were in the midst where you wanted to get rid of the one hairdresser who would also hang out for a while after, was that right? No, no, there was somebody in the kitchen.

They did it at home and there was a guy in the kitchen. His roommate. Oh, right. His roommate would just kind of watch like a Tarantino scene. Yeah, real weird. Yeah, real weird. So what's the update? So the update is I did take the advice of everybody from the show and I did go with

Todd, I went back to go see him, and so I did have to break up with Kelly, but it worked out because she never ended up reaching back out to me, so I just never responded back to her essentially and kind of ghosted her and it kind of worked out. So hold on, you broke up Jackie via email? So I didn't actually have to say anything to her. She was waiting for me to schedule my next appointment and then she just never followed up with me about it so I just never responded to her original text and then I have not heard from her since so I just didn't say anything.

I wonder if she knew the highlights were bad. Or she listens to the show. I feel like she probably knew. I think she knew she screwed up. I mean, if she listens to the show, then we got to say this to you. Call on in. Let's get a call on in. We love you, Jackie.

Come on, Kelly. Let's have a little fun. We will turn on you fast, Jackie. Jackie means nothing to us, Kelly. We go which way the wind blows. There is no loyalty, just ratings. Just ratings in a rating-less world of podcasts. What, how, what are the metrics?

So Jackie, quick thing, how's the new, how's the new do? How's Todd? Well, the haircut is great. Going back to Todd was a really good choice. I will say, the guy does, I did finally meet his roommate. I've gone to see Todd like two or three times now and all of those times his roommate sat through like my entire two-hour haircut. And it, I mean, he's a nice enough guy, but it's a real weird vibe. So I'm just gonna kind of see how

long I can ride that out for it because it's a real weird vibe. So I'm just gonna kind of see how long I can ride that out for it. Cause it's, it's a little weird, but the hair is great. Do you know? That's a turn. I thought we were ended. Oh yeah. No, there's a problem. We can always find a problem. We were doing the thank you for the call. And now there's a weird guy in the kitchen. No, no, we've got, there's always issues in minutiae. All right, go ahead, Gareth. Well, so does he see, he obviously has more people come to the house for haircuts, right?

Yes, yeah. Is he public in any way? Does he have a Facebook? Does he advertise? No, he does not. And so, so basically you cut the guy's hair, there's a weird guy in the kitchen, but the hair is good,

and are you just gonna push past the, there's a weird guy in the kitchen, but the hair is good and Are you just gonna push past the let's just refer to a male roommate who's around as a Luke? Are you gonna do anything about the Luke? You're gonna push through it. What's gonna happen? I Think for right now, I'm just gonna like ride out the situation and see like if he's there every single time I don't know. It's kind of awkward, but he's nice enough and makes like kind of normal conversation. But again, it's still like somebody sitting there watching me get my hair done. But I think I'm just going to like ride it out until I'm weirded out. Just for the sake of being guys who can't. Yes, he's right, by the way.

Just for being the sake of Gareth, our guys who can't stop. Yeah, Garth, can we pitch a few things of what she can do to get the roommate out of there, next haircut really fast, kind of rapid fire. If we just think really quick, she's getting a haircut. Yeah, that's perfect. One, tell a story that is really off-putting and a little gross that he might, if he's eating in there,

something about like bad food you had, you had Indian food, the reaction, so that he thinks, oh, Jackie's disgusting. Right. I like that. I like that. How about faking a panic attack because he's watching and say it's not connected to reality,

but just sort of be like, I'm sorry, it just it gives me anxiety. I'm really sorry. Like, you're really lovely, but it just it's good. It heightens my anxiety a little bit. Oh, three, ask him personal advice. I mean, a personal questions and then give really abrasive advice. Being like, are you in a relationship?

And he can be like, yes. You know, I'm seeing somebody and go, okay, let me tell you what to do. First of all, after them where it's like, I'm not asking for advice. And then second of all, pink is not your color. You should wear light blue. Also, go change.

And so he's like, when she comes around, she just fucking gets in my shit. I think that's really good. Annoy him out of the room. Another option would be have someone say you're really sorry, but you have to talk to your friend who you haven't taught, who's been like in, you know, whatever Algeria for two months. And and then on speakerphone, have your friend complain about a situation adjacent to this. Like her husband's brother is staying with you guys and every time you're cooking dinner, he just stands there and stares and it's really awkward and off-putting and weird.

Also the old classic, G. classic GR talk about your dreams. Yes, go on about a dream. Just sit there and go. He's like he said they're eating cereal. Todd's cutting your hair and then go like I had the weirdest dream. There was a bear. There was a cougar. There was a beaver.

I was in either Canada or Africa or China. Water was everywhere. Water is everywhere. But also there was no water. I had long hair. You ever have that? Short hair, I had medium hair, and he's just gonna be like,

oh, for fuck's sake, shut up. All right, and the last one, okay? The last one is this. You have started a TikTok, like where you basically squirt people with a squirt gun and bring a squirt gun in and just film yourself squirt people with a squirt gun and bring a squirt gun in and just film yourself Squirting him with a squirt gun and just keep saying it's for your tick-tock reels Jackie

six options Bad stories fake panic attack bad advice. You're really sorry But there's some you got a bad story squirt gun for tick-tock You think you're gonna do any of these next time? I feel like bad advice or just like kind of being an annoyance in any sort of way could work. Yes, it could be. So I feel like I could go that route.

Really investigating him would be off-putting. Yes, but make sure the advice is something you know he doesn't want. And the other thing you could do in terms of being annoying because you liked that is don't be afraid to eat there with your mouth open and make the sounds that ruin food for others. There are certain people who will eat around me and the sounds they make, it's either like they're an animal

attacking meat or a gross lover And it ruins food for me. Where your hair like. I agree. Yeah. Mmm. Mmm. I think they're a good option. We're like shut up.

Eating during it would be good. Yeah, but even if you have like a turkey leg that you could just bring in your purse and just bring it out, take a bite, and let him just go. Whichever way you go, bring a turkey leg to eat. Yeah. Jackie, producer Kevin here,

does he, when the haircut is done, does he ever compliment it, like, hey, it looks good? No, he just sits there. He doesn't say anything about the haircut. He's just like, see you later. I hate this man. It's so weird. I am that man.

It's real weird. You need to ask for a review after the haircut, too. Get a nice compliment. Oh, that's interesting. Create drama between him and the hairdresser. You know what you could do? Actually, this is a real option, Jackie. When the hairdresser goes, you know what I really think we should do?

I think we should just feather the back a little bit. You got a little bit too much weight at the top. Stop, go to the roommate and go, what do you think? That's great. Because I guarantee they got a really good little the roommate and go, what do you think? That's great. Because I guarantee they got a really good little- Really undermine the hairdresser. Yeah, but also if he's in there, then what you're saying is, I guess he's your partner. And for the roommate, it's like, no, his ass isn't my partner.

He's basically a hobo. I let live here because I'm so generous. I'm the alpha in this weird little dynamic. And then you go, all I see is two alphas. I don't see a beta. So you want to diet. And then you go to the guy sitting at the table and you go, is light blonde the right color?

And the guy goes, yeah, good darker. And then you go, maybe darker, Todd. And Todd goes, he doesn't know what he's talking about. I like that. He's an idiot. That's a really good one. He's a fucking idiot. If you want to create a horror film vibe to get him out of the room, bring a doll

and while your hair is getting cut, cut the doll's hair with your own scissors. And act like a star. Oh my God. Jackie, we wish you the best. Go kick some butt, good luck. All right, thank you guys. Yeah, we'll see you again.

Bye. All right, bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeon.

Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakeo and our video editor is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at oliverraleigh.com. is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at oliverraleigh.com. That's oliverrallly.com. The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can find him on Instagram at james underscore fostike, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to garethrentz.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland, you can find him on Instagram at paddyholland2004 and if you'd like early access to episodes subscribe to our patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod.

And if you'd like to be on the show email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.