We're Here to Help - 8: Anyway, How Are Your Kids?

Episode Date: September 11, 2023

Jake and Gareth talk to callers about following an unusual Twitter account and a high school reunion. Check out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com!Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rateWe’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPodSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

And here we are! Another great episode of We're Here to Help. Jake, we're back. We're helping. We already know the episode number. Which is? Spoiler, it's eight. So no fun to be had there.

No. And we have two calls today. A lot of fun. We also, before we even start, we want to, again, just thank everybody for not only listening, but subscribing and telling people the show is doing uh very well and we're very happy with that so continue to do that for us like subscribe all that bs yeah and we've also been noticing that you guys are spreading it on social media and those posts and it's really helping and so truly thank you we love doing this show and we hope to keep doing it and you guys are

helping but today we got a really fun one go ahead gar Well, Jake, what we like to say is that when it comes to helping the show, you guys are here to help the listeners. Let's cut that, Kev. Yeah, that should be cut as soon as... Can you cut it now? No, we're currently recording. So we got two today. The first one's a wild one.

Or maybe it's going to be the second one's a wild one. One of them today is a wild one. It's about a woman, and we're just going to give a little setup on this one, who called in because she's going to her high school reunion, her 20-year reunion, and she doesn't want to. And she's looking for help, but she doesn't know the help she wants. So we create something with her that ends up getting wild. And we have a lot of follow-ups with her.

And our second one is kind of just a classic weird one. Super weird. There's a woman on Twitter with some weirdness. It's someone who has an issue with a Twitter account she's following. She's a super weird lady and we love her on this show. Yeah, we love it. Hello. Hi, thank you for calling in.

This is Jake, and you're on with Gareth. How's it going, guys? We're doing good. Good. How are you doing? I'm doing well, except for this terrible problem that I have, which I'm hoping you guys can help me with. Yeah, we don't know anything about it, so do you mind breaking it down for us a little bit?

Yeah, absolutely. So it's a twitter issue somehow i started following someone i don't know if it's because of like the whole elon musk takeover of twitter and everything got completely screwed up but um i don't really pay attention to who's posting much thing you know know, much on my feed. So I see like pictures of kittens and little dog and I'm like, oh, this is nice. And sometimes there'll be like a couple of pictures and I click on it and, you know, I'm just going about my day. And one day a photo comes through on my feed and it's blurred out. Now, I know that should have been an indication however yep this has been

happening to photos that don't need to be blurred out since the whole musk takeover yeah uh-oh or i'm an idiot i don't know so i'm like oh it's going to be another picture of the kittens or the puppy wait hold on hold on what's your first name my name is sailor sailor and where are you from i'm from florida florida so you saw a blurred out photo and you thought i'm gonna click on it because it's probably a blurred out kitten sailor yeah i know i know i know We all know what blurred out means. Yeah. Blurred out. We all, Sailor, you're not tricking us.

I also hit the blurred out, but I'm not going like this. I'm hitting it looking for two kittens. I'm not looking for kittens when I hit that. I mean, the idea that you're like all right let's see i think for some reason the kittens are puppies yeah oh it seems like the the uh kittens are moving and they must be wrestling let's see what happens when i hit the boy i i honestly didn't even think about it when i clicked it i didn't really put thought into it okay so you hit the blur yeah i really didn't okay so i i it unblurs and i'm like i'm like what the fuck am i looking at

and it took me a hard minute it turned out to be a scrotum oh that's not a kitten like a close not a kitten at all no no definitely not just to be clear this guy is posting photos of kittens and testicles yes and puppies and puppies too his own animals wait so these are his his kittens yeah his puppies and oh did all the testes look the same are they his nuts but okay so i don't know i don't know i i will admit i'm kind of like on that highway to danger zone because i have since i clicked on it one more time months later not months weeks later whatever again just i do i definitely doom scroll but it's kind of like russian roulette am i gonna get am i gonna see a kitten a dog or is this guy scrotum and i'm horrified but i can't

stop looking at the damn photos even though interesting throw up in my mouth okay of the scrotum i don't want to see that but i just i get it i don't know it's like danger And so what is the What is the question here This is a really interesting setup What is the What's the question today I need to stop looking at these guys I just need to stop this guy

I just got to block this guy altogether I mean he does it because he thinks it's funny It's like a joke for his friends You know And there's some days where he's like hey gang just want to tell you you're doing a great job he's like a suit he seems like a super happy nice guy and so this guy it's so confusing it's really funny so this dude's whole profile is positivity kittens puppies occasional nutso i gotta say pretty solid now that i know what this guy's doing i do really love it it is i get it he's playing scrotum that's what's 11 that's exactly what's happening and so you as the person are involved in this weird

relationship with this guy's pictures that you want to be done with but you can't stop clicking yeah correct correct sometimes right sometimes you get kittens and puppies but is sometimes is sometimes the blurred ones when you hit it, is that ever a kitten? Yeah, right? Yeah. Oh, my God, is that good. So he's selling the concept of you're probably going to get a cute little animal. Or you're not.

What a hilarious piece of shit this guy is. I hate to tell you, Sailor, that what you're doing is you're selling two grown men on what might be the best Twitter. This is not going in the direction you need. Well, hold on. So I have a question for you, because now I get the predicament. I didn't get it at first.

Okay. I thought it was kittens, puppies, and then blurred photos of scrotums that's what i know and then i thought like that's an easy one but it's not right it's really cute kittens and puppies that you really want to see and occasionally the reveal is this dude's gross notes yeah and let's be clear yeah i want that one thing if i wanted to see like someone's scrotum or whatever i want to choose that fine whatever i'm not saying like i'm a prude but it's like it's shocking i totally it would be shocking to me yeah no it is how do i stop doing this

i don't think call. I don't. Unfortunately, I'm still in the fog of war that this guy is. I'm in love with the concept of his Twitter. He put people in a really interesting conundrum. Because let's say, honest to God, if it was something like kittens and puppies don't do much for me, but if I had a site that I liked and I would be looking at somebody's post and I thought, I like these, whatever dopamine is released is making me happy. And then all of a sudden it was his balls and I got like slapped in the face and I wasn't happy. I could see myself ending up in

your situation, Saylor, where I go like, I'm a gambler. And, you know, the reason you put money in a slot machine is you're probably going to lose, but you might get three sevens. And so, you know, you're probably getting nuts, but you might get kittens. Here's the problem, Sailor, is that my advice is a question, and that is what's his Twitter? I'm not telling you. No, you can't advertise for him. Because then there's going to be a lot of copycats. I'm not giving this guy Twitter fame. But he's really cracked something here.

Look, I think, okay, my advice to you that you want is block this guy. My advice that I believe, I don't think you want that. I do. I think you, no, I don't think you do. I think. If you did, Saylor, you would not be calling us. It's very easy to block. Yeah.

I mean, you're basically like, how do I lose weight? And it's like, quit eating all the chips. But you're like, I love chips. Well, I think there's a shock factor still. Like, I'm one of those people that how many times does, I mean, I'm definitely, I don't know. My friends are like, you know, so-and-so died of, you know, a drug overdose. And I'm like, really? He did drugs? And i'm not an idiot but i'm kind of like that person you know let me let me ask you this

sailor have you ever clicked on the blurred image and it was a kitten or a puppy and you were disappointed a good question that's a good say we need you to think on this one a little bit longer come on you're hanging in there sometime you gotta click on it yeah we need to give this your classic 60 second pause because this is a good question and i'll tell you why you could also google kittens and puppies and you'll never get balls you will never get balls if you google kittens and puppies what's the point though you could put safe uh whatever the you know the safe searching up yeah yeah and you will never come across a gross pair of nuts you will just get tens of thousands of kittens and puppies there's a journey here because the cat had the kittens, and they're like, oh, look how small they are now. Oh, he got you hooked on the story.

This guy's scary. He's scary. This is the kind of person who should be buying Twitter, not Musk. This guy deserves the billions. Okay, so I get it now. So you feel that you've gotten invested in the story of these two, this kitten and this puppy you don't want random kittens you just want to see these cats these kittens and puppies grow up yeah

what do they look like now well first of all sailor you're the best i care about my one now uh and second of all um so you so here's a real question to you. Cause I actually am with sailor now. I don't think she wants to see nuts. I agree. I thought you did. And I thought we were about to, I believe that I think you're genuinely mad when you see nuts and you really just want to see Milo and the gang grow up. This guy, this guy's a genius.

Well, he's put you in a really tough spot. And the only way you can actually get out of it, you know, look, if you have a family member who has a drug addict, you've got to cut them off at a certain point. You've got to just say, you're not getting better. I can't go down this road. This guy's Twitter, he's a dark individual. He's got you in a corner, and he got you invested in Milo and the gang.

And he knows a lot of people are clicking those things. You've got to cut them off. This guy got you to go to the nut show by selling you a kitten ticket yeah exactly right yeah yeah so i yeah my advice my advice on this one is two roads uh and it's you know it's really a question for you sailor and that is sometimes you got to get punched in the face a little bit to get what you want like know, when you're going after a dream or a goal, you know, you got to eat a little shit to get there. Right. And so if you care that much about the story of these cats and dogs, well, then watching what happens to their evolution, you're going to see some nuts along the way. The other path is just, I have to cut them out,

even though a part of my brain is interested because I just don't want to see his testicles anymore. There is no middle ground. Because if you decide, I'm so interested in the upside, I'm going to deal with 15% testes. Then you just when you get it, you just got to go mother fucker got me again. There you're nuts, dude. And move on. That's pretty much where I'm at right now, but I think I need to be done with it. You do? Okay. I do. So then my advice to you based off that is to block them and never, and when you're having an urge,

call the show. Yeah. We are here for you. I think Jake's right. You already know what you want to do. Yeah. But I'm just going to say the other option is

take your hat off to the greatest Twitter of all time. But yeah, nobody empathizes with not wanting to see balls more than people who have balls. Yeah, I will say he's put you in a tough spot. So, Sailor, what do you think you're going to do here what's going to be your final take are you going to block them you know i think um so i told you i went down the rabbit hole like who is this guy what the hell is going on um and his wife is also on twitter and steve doesn't post any pictures of balls but she does also post pictures of the puppies and kittens. And, you know, maybe I'll just drop the line and be like, hey, just, you know, still want to be updated on what's happening with little Milo and the gang, but I can't look at your husband's balls anymore.

I'm sorry to have to walk away. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Not as fun. Yeah, but also, hold on. This entire time, there was another feed from his wife with all the same pictures, but no ball. I didn't know that. I didn't, not the same.

Sailor! Sailor. But I didn't know that until recently. You just told us that his wife also posed without the nuts, which means if they really want, who cares? Cool it with your objections here. You keep talking yourself back to scrotum Island.

I mean, I think it's this, I think it's this, and I think, you know, this, I think you could block him and just literally start following the wife, and then you will know what happens to Milo in the game.

Two, block the both of them, move on. There's quite literally hundreds and thousands of kittens in the world. Or three, look at yourself in the mirror for a hard 60 seconds, as you like to say say and admit there's a part of you deep down in there taylor that kind of wants to see those nuts because i don't see any other world why you are still following this guy when his wife posts the photos i'm gonna put it like this sailor you love furry little creatures and a set of nuts is among them because i'll tell you this i'm blocking them i'm blocking i'll tell you this i mean i mean

this seriously if i were you and i was looking and i said like that's a cute ass kitten and i go i'm in and i go oh milo look at him getting older. Oh, blurred. Testes, blocked. Yeah. It would not take me two blurred photos. Fool me once, you know, you heard of that? Fool me twice, you heard of that? You've been fooled about 250 times.

Not that many, but I do like to give people chances. You've given a lot of chances. At this point, you're in a weird relationship with this put to this profile yeah you got it if you if you want to stay in enjoy the show if not no then get out yeah and what are you saying you want to get out yeah i want to get out yeah so then open your twitter right now okay uh and we're gonna ask for a screen grab of this. Yeah, especially so I can get this guy's handle.

And then will you take a screen grab of it with the... I'm sure there's an icon that says following if it's anything like Instagram. Yeah. So will you take a screen grab of that? I will, yeah. And then will you, is there a button that you could put blocked?

Yeah. Yeah, you can block people. Okay, so can you block him and then take a photo of that? Yes. It's safe to say that you are leaving Kitty City because of the ball tax.

Yes, you're out. True, yeah. Did you block him? I feel better. Did you're out true yeah did you did you block them i feel better did you block them i did will you take a picture of that and send those all to the email and make sure we can see the handle on it please thank you and and then if you ever unblock him yes this is one stop lying to yourself you know what you're doing and two would you put would you please call in yeah if you if you if you relapse let us know yes i i will definitely let you know i have a feeling i'm not going to relapse but i'm a woman with many issues so you know i can call i think i might be calling my own podcast with a similar issue like this soon.

Thank you for the call. Thank you, Sailor. Thanks for your help, guys. Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science-backed language learning app that actually works, which I find to be very important.

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it's just putting schooling in a a different light yes if you spend 15 hours let's say you didn't go to college and you always feel like well i don't know i didn't go to college 15 hours you just did a semester yeah that's wild yes yes that's a wild study so speaking of language should we bring in the closer or should i do it closer all right hold on let's get him kevin doors open oh you meant gill yeah i meant kevin what kevin was gonna do it no i thought we were talking about the closer the we were he parked in front of all our cars so might as well oh we can't leave well what's what's the problem go ahead so that old jalopy is gills yes and you can turn it off i guess keep it running i want the rest it's bad for a lot of smoke i'm pausing a serious except now listen here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now.

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I got to go back to the jalopy. Rules and restrictions. This episode is brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Garth, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because, as you know, my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement, and it was crazy. It was a lot because, as you know, my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement and it was crazy.

It was a crazy situation. And there were so many times, so many things like complications were popping up. And there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly somewhere close. You use that. Yeah. You would use that because it's just so much harder if you're just like, you know, like using search engines to try to find someone and then you call. Do they take your insurance? ZocDoc has filters for all that.

The problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up. Yes. And what I like, I actually use ZocDoc since we started doing it. I do like that it keeps it really clean and you can put all your information in. Yeah. Did you use Zococdoc for your knee i did use zocdoc for my knee which i am going to get an mri on but we don't think it's a tear that's the good news but i am going to get an mri oh the doctor report back it's just an old man's knee it's actually pretty much what it sounded like doctor said to me about my

hips i'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like yeah you're just the he goes i've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this. Well, you're mid 40s. Yeah. What a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on ZocDoc. But but again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you.

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That's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother. You never, literally never left. Wherever the best time in the world, go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Did you hear how much that costs, Jake? Free. Free, that's right.

And then find and book a top rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H. ZocDoc.com slash H-T-H. Hi. Hi. How are you? Welcome to We're Here to Help. This is Jake and Gareth. Can we get your name? Hi, my name is Kelly. Nice to meet you, Kelly. And can we ask where you're calling from and how old you are? I am calling from Louisville, Kentucky, and I am 38 years old. Well, yeah, you're probably calling for a reason. You want to tell us what's up? What can we help with? Sure. So I have, again, I'm 38. I have my 20th high school reunion coming up in a few weeks. And, you know, I wanted to see, I'm a little nervous about it.

I wanted to see if you had any advice for me. You know, I haven't seen most of these people in 20 years. So, yeah, whatever you can do to help know, I haven't seen most of these people in 20 years. So yeah, whatever, whatever you can do to help me, I'm, I'm appreciative. All right, Kelly. Well, let's get a little bit of backstory. What was your vibe in high school? I wasn't like super popular. I wasn't, I was just kind of there. I don't know. I had, that makes sense. And what's going on with your life in Kentucky? I have a wonderful husband, Sean.

We have two dogs. I'm an artist. Cool. What kind of art do you do? I do some painting, some mixed media. I do a lot with disco tiles and mirror tiles and stuff like that. All right. So let me just cut into this one really fast because I'm not seeing an issue here.

It seems like you've got a really nice life. You have a really cool job. But if you're telling us that the people at your high school don't really know you, you haven't really kept in touch. You have a really nice life with two dogs, an artist and a great husband, and you're going to go, but you just feeling anxious and part of you doesn't want to go. but you're just feeling anxious and part of you doesn't want to go, then let us help you create a fantasy fucking story that you become the talk of the reunion.

And everybody goes, do you remember Kelly from high school? And they go, no. Do you know that she works for the CIA? Do you see what I'm saying, Garf? Now, I don't want to create a whole splash if deep down you say, funny podcast, I'm not doing it. I only want to go down this road if you're in with us and you actually do this, because then I want to follow up with you.

Okay. I mean, I think I can commit to this. If this is real, Kelly, then we're with you. Oh, God. If this is what you want, then we're very with you. But we don't want you to do this because we want you to. That's exactly right. We want you to do this because you want to. That's right, Garth. I do want to. I don't want to do anything to hurt anyone's feelings or anything like that. Same. We're the same way.

How about we inflate the world you already have? You do this art, but why don't we throw some names in there of the people who are buying this art that is more interesting that's it you've got your you sold a couple pieces to simon cowell um you know barack obama michelle obama just bought a piece i i think that's really interesting to go with the big paintings let me ask you a question. What Gareth just pitched is a great, realistic lie that will make the night fun. Where I'm sniffing towards, and again, just like you don't want to hurt anybody at the party, I don't want to end this with you go, that backfired on my face. I had a terrible reunion. We don't want to hurt you. You don't want to hurt them. What we want

is for you to leave the reunion with your husband, get in the car and crack up, right? And go, that was one of the best nights for a night. I kind of felt obligated to go to. I mean, I, I have to know, do I, do I need to commit before? No, no, you do not. Because I, I mean, I have to know what you're thinking now, at least. Okay.

So what are, uh, if I throw out something at you, what are things of interest to you? 80s music. Gareth immediately started thinking of people she's been in affairs with. Keep going. Of course, yeah. Okay, 80s music. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Dogs. Dogs, okay. Should we stay away from art for this one or no not necessarily because no but here's why no because it could give you validity it can give you you can have more details yeah is sean is he gonna play ball yes absolutely okay and how many of your close close friends are going to be going to this reunion like four or five. That's a little bit trickier. Okay. Cause they know you. They do, but I can just kind of, I mean, I feel like, yeah, I can tell him just go with it. Just whatever

happens, go with it. And I think they'll be down with that. Well, I mean, if you were to say like, Sean is in a pissy mood and he's drinking a lot at the bar because when Rod Stewart commissioned a piece of art for you when rod stewart commissioned a piece of art for you and you guys went on a dog walk together you ended up having an affair and rod stewart you think wrote a song about you and sean found out about that two days ago but has still agreed to go to the event because you said it was important to you something like that something like that okay yeah i love it soft pitch okay thank you i love it. Soft pitch. Okay. Thank you. I love it. I think there's something there.

Who are you? Who's your favorite band or musician from the 80s? I mean, I'll just go ahead and say Madonna. Interesting. Okay. So Madonna has definitely bought your artwork. Yep. And you just got back from doing a full commission at her house and while you were there

the strangest thing happened to you and the only reason you're talking about it at this reunion is that like you can't stop thinking about it so there's a way into it where people go how you doing and you'd be like good how are you then you'd be like, good, how are you? And then you'd be like, I'm so sorry if I look tired. I have like not slept. Jet lag. As well as maybe Madonna drugged you. Oh God. Yeah, I know, we're all surprised. We're all horrified by her behavior.

Yeah, but Gareth and Kel, it's different than you think. She didn't drug you in that way. That's what she does. She has a party and you've never, have you ever done acid, Kelly, in real life? No. Okay, so it would be a little weird for that party

to think of you as doing acid. So you have sold, so Madonna found your website. She found your art. This happened years ago. You have not talked about it. But over the years, she's bought over like 12 pieces. And you know Madonna. You email Madonna.

You talk to Madonna. You've been to Madonna's house. You've put art in like six of her different properties. But you've never partied with her. And on this last one, she was having a get together. And at that get together, you're like, these are not my friends. I'm just the same old Kelly from Kentucky. I'm just like you guys.

I'm just like you guys. I'm just genuinely friends with Madonna. But apart from that, I'm just like you boring people who want to just talk about your boring ass kids. While you were then with Madonna, she had some sort of punch that she called a gorilla juice or the dog's bowl. And you drank it because literally everybody was drinking it. And you started feeling like really, like truly scared. And then one of Madonna's friends said, like, did you drink the gorilla punch? And you said, yeah.

And she said, like, the ride. Cause you've just had the equivalent of 10 hits of acid. And you, even at this thing, you are not feeling like yourself. And it has been 14 days and people will go, what? It's your first drink since then. And yes. Okay. Um, what do you think of this as the beginning of a journey? Are we anywhere near a zone you're interested in? Yeah, do you like this? I do like it. Yeah, I'm not incriminating anybody.

I like it. No. Maybe in Madonna's defense, there was a sign under the crazy juice that said MDMA or like acid. But that sign, like someone took it or fell off like it got mixed up. Or you just thought MDMA was Madonna. Yeah. But also everybody who goes to these parties has been to all her parties. Yeah.

So she didn't do it to be an asshole. This is what these music hollywood parties are and then they when they go then what happened you go upstairs there was like a wild orgy of like 80s and 90s musicians and she's like it wasn't what but you always have to be self-deprecating be like it wasn't hot and they go what do you mean but you go like like they're like is this serious you go like like i saw rod stewart naked and they're like you didn't you go he's probably 80 years old and you're like it was gross he had trouble moving from bang to bang but like you just paint a very realistic crazy picture of a madonna party that and lead out with. I want to make this clear.

It was not my idea of a good time. And then you add weird, gross details. And then they ordered Burger King by the bundle. So all of a sudden, there was a table where there was 400 Whoppers, but nobody ate them. I have a pitch about the fries too. It's something my friend does is he will get three orders of fries and then put the best French fries from each of those three orders into one and then say,

now I have the perfect set of fries. That could be a thing Rod Stewart did that like maybe distracted from the orgy because he kept- Now I've got the perfect thing of fries, finally. So the talk of the reunion is this madonna party that makes because most people aren't going to know what to talk about you're giving everybody a really fun evening it's just not true yeah can i pitch that lionel

ritchie was there oh hello and i'm going to tell you why because i'm gonna tell you why i say lionel it's gonna make it seem more realistic it just is he's the host of some show right now he's out and about looking for attention his daughter is nicole richie so you could go really obscure and then people would be like huh if you say yeah it was in Los Angeles, but Lionel Richie was there holding court. You could say at one point Lionel sat at the piano and did a song and you could then genuinely say he has a beautiful voice. And you could make it seem like you're saying that as like a friend and they'll go like, no shit, it's Lionel Richie. But you're saying it like your friend Lionel happens to have a beautiful voice, which will give you a lot of cred. But he did not do old stuff. He was doing new stuff.

So it was kind of a drag. I like the mixed feelings of hearing Lionel's beautiful voice, but it being the new stuff and that kind of like uneasiness. Everything has to cut into it a little bit where it was a great party, but like the food was burger King and that's trash. Yeah. Lionel Richie was singing he has a beautiful voice but i didn't know any of this and he would also stop in the middle of it

and then like experiment and you'd be like what is happening here here's the greatest ending to that story once you've wrapped it up and people's mouths are agape just go anyway how are your kids that's it that's it what what's going on with you guys and then they go yeah uh david is uh in little league and you like this oh my god wow wow yeah well he uh well i'm coaching him it's not about me oh my god that's amazing and then then at a certain point look at your phone and go like this oh madonna is such such a bitch. I am not writing back. Kelly, is any of this ringing true, or have we just been weirding out in the desert? Where are we at here?

No, I think I can definitely, you know, I don't have, I don't know if I can take it to your level because that's, like, professional. Yeah. I can do my best, though. Where do you think you're gonna play ball as far as like some of these pitches you have the wild madonna story you can also just tell that you're uh you know you're selling a lot of your art and that you sold to madonna and that you know yeah and that that's one around there that's true so out of all of that are you gonna take any of

that or are you just gonna kind of show up to the party and get drunk? What do you think you're going to end up doing here? Gold status is, I think, the party, the Madonna party. Yep. I love the Burger King, love the fries. Great. The curation of the perfect fries. I think we should definitely work with that.

fries. I think we should definitely work with that. Do you like the idea of the drugs or did we go in the wrong directions with that and the orange and all the old man boners? Was that a mistake? No, I don't think that's a mistake because I think you need some, because what's the first thing anyone is going to want to ask is what the hell was going on there? Who did you see? What was happening? So you have to come to the table with something. And I think that is going to knock it out of the park. Yes. Coming to the table is what an orgy is all about. Will you follow up with us?

Please. And will you potentially follow up with us with the four or five friends of yours who are in on it too because if you actually tell four or five friends and you guys design the plan because i'm going to tell you and i'm saying this now for real because i want you to go for it but there's a chance it goes sideways and if it goes sideways what's gonna happen is somebody at the party is gonna go to somebody else at the party and go do you remember kelly whatever from high school and they're gonna go kinda and they're gonna go she's a super weird liar yeah there's downside and they're gonna go what

do you mean she just made up some entire bullshit story about lionel richie and i don't even know why i don't even remember her so with great success comes risk and you've got a huge win here but you gotta make sure you sharpen your sword don't go into this battle half-ass your your team and sean need to be ready your story needs to be rock solid you need to have addresses you've been you can't say i've sold a bunch how many like five or ten bullshit if you sold to madonna you know exactly how many paintings you've sold seven and last Right. And last but not least, before we hang up, what are the things about the party that you're going to call your friends? Will you do a quick role play?

Just you run it and tell us what you're going to say to your friends about what the lie is, just so we can kind of hear and hear how it sounds. Okay. So off the top of my head, I think it would be something like, hey, you know, we're all kind of apprehensive about going to this thing. So I was thinking to make it a little more fun. You know, I have some ideas about what to say I've been doing lately that might sound kind of out there. Uh, they might involve some celebrities and doing some things that, you know,

you know, I definitely haven't done. But you guys just need to have my back and just go with it and just yes your way through the night. And, you know, if you have any issues, let me know. Your setup there was phenomenal. So then when they say, okay, well, what are you going to say? Do you mind continuing? I would say that I've been selling a lot of artwork to Madonna over the past few years. Specifically, I've sold four pieces. You, because this feels so good. You

sold four art pieces to Madonna. You'll have more details if you need it, but then please continue. Yes. And last Tuesday night, I went to a party for the first time. She invited me to what she said was just a little get-together that she does this, like, Tuesday night thing. But anyway, it was the first time I got to hang out with her. So I went to her house in Brentwood in L.A. Good. You're very good, Kelly. It's great.

Thank you so much. I promise you, you're doing great. Okay. Okay, so here I am in Brentwood and, you know, we're just kind of hanging out and then all of a sudden I see Rod Stewart walk in

and then Lionel R Richie comes in. He's actually holding, like, four bags of Burger King. And then, you know, I think, like, his assistant or something brought in, like, this whole box, like Costco-sized box of fries. And I'm standing next to Madonna, and's like oh that's so sweet he always remembers I like to curate the perfect serving of fries and so anyway we're hanging out and there's this bowl like I've seen this bowl of punch you know that everybody's kind of been drinking from and I decided to try some and it was weird because on my way somebody was like oh you're into that too and I was thinking like yeah I get thirsty so anyway I tried some

and next thing I know we're in her pool house Rod Stewart's not wearing any pants at this point Rod Stewart's not wearing any pants at this point. Things are getting, you know, interesting, like L.A. interesting, like not Kentucky interesting. Yeah, like I'll be honest, I'm struggling to even remember what else was going on because I just felt like so out of it. And that's when I kind of realized like, oh, this punch. Hello. That's why somebody tried to warn me. But, you know, we don't do that in Kentucky. So I had no idea. But yeah, it was a really crazy night. And I'm still honestly trying to recover. Great job. Thank you. By the way, you're a fucking star. That's a great story. Very believable.

If I'm at that party, I'm 100% in. You got to do your homework on what happens on all the side streets. Okay. So your party, your A story is great. But what's happening in all those rooms you went into? Because if it's an orgy were you fully clothed and they're all fucking that's not realistic if it's an actual orgy then it's dark in a certain room you're not sure like just know your details because if you're telling the story no one's gonna believe you just saying let's just leave it at that they're gonna

go well then why are you telling yeah yeah so you just need to do a little bit of homework on the details. Your tone is spot on. You're very believable. Details. Yes. Crushed it. Thank you. Kelly, thank you so much for this call. Yeah. We truly wish you the best. Yeah. Let's, let's do this as a team. We got your back. Thank you. I appreciate all of you and your help. And I hope you have a great day and I'll let you know how it goes. Thank you so much. Good luck, Kelly.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out all of his work at OliverRaleigh.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road,

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