We're Here to Help - 80: Identical in Every Way with Max Greenfield

Episode Date: May 20, 2024

Jake, Gareth and special guest Max Greenfield talk to callers about an intimate question for a twin and a leopard gecko conundrum. Later, the guys chat with Max about being directed by Jerry Seinfeld and behind the scenes on New Girl.Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] (Early Access, Bonus Calls and Q&As): Patreon.com/HereToHelpPodVIDEO: Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. We are back. We sure are, Jake. And boy, oh boy. What do we say? Well, I love this one. How do we even start? I loved this one. Yes.

We had a dear friend of mine and ours, Max Greenfield is on the pod. Great. I love the guy. He's unthinkably funny. He just walked out. And what he doesn't get credit for is he's smart He's very smart. We do a lot of bits but that beginning of new girl, which we talk about in the end He knew what he was doing in a way that I sure didn't there's a calculation

And I think even in the advice on the show there is a calculation. He's he's definitely yeah I think sometimes people come into the world we've created and they're like, you two are out of your minds. And we're both like, hold on, Biff Whiff did it first. Yes, yes, yes. Biff was first, who cares? Yeah, who cares? That was big.

I did realize for the first time when he said that this is a sand castle, not a real castle. That's right. One big wave and we're out of here. Yeah, with ease. But Max Greenfield came on. I love him. He's the best. Most of you who listen to this also know New Girl.

So as you're in for a very special treat, he's in Jerry Seinfeld's movie Unfrosted. On Netflix. On Netflix. And he's unthinkably funny. So if you have not watched that yet, watch it now. And on CBS, he's on the neighborhood with the great Cedric. Seventh season did he say? Seventh or eighth.

Crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Cedric the entertainer. And next to that show on CBS is a show about Damon Wins Jr. and his daddy. Is that the title? It's something about like me and my daddy or I love my daddy.

So check out the neighborhood on CBS and then followed by a show about Damon and his daddy. Love I love my daddy. So check out The Neighborhood on CBS, and then Followed by A show about Damon and his daddy. Love Me My Daddy. Love Me Daddy. Love Me Daddy. Love Me Daddy. It's a wonderful show.

That's great. But yeah, it's a really great episode. It's really fun. And then we have a really fun chat at the end, where it was nice to be able to ask Max a lot of his POV, and his way into this game. Yep. So, uh Enjoy the episode without

Hello Can I get your name please? Yeah, this is Robert Robert. Hey Robert. Where are you calling from Robert? From Kansas Kansas and about how old are you? 32 years old. Robert you got a special one. My old buddy, my partner in crime, a guy I've spent

more hours with than most people in my life. Close family. Close quarter. In a little room talking shit from new girl. Mr. Schminnie max Back again, and I'll say the funniest part of unfrosted in my opinion. I agree appreciate truly which is saying something Well, you got to kill everybody's funny in the movie. It's a murderers row, but XCG stars Yeah, Robert. What can we do for you today? Well, I need some advice about

My twin brother and trying to figure out whether he's circumcised or not. Well the hell that is you picked a good one for Max Open. Okay, so you got a tweet. All right, keep going Robert floor is yours walk us through this. Oh My wife and I recently had a son. Okay, congrats About six months ago and decided that he should be circumcised I'm circumcised and so it is natural that yeah, you ought to be sure ought to be too and then From from there. We brought him home and like you do, after you bring a new baby home, family comes to visit.

Twin brother and his family, his wife stopped by and congratulated us. And it was kind of unexpected. He started to kind of question me and berate me about why we are going to circumcise it. Really? I just kind of brushed it off and went on about my day and didn't think too much of it. And then my wife and his wife were texting back and forth about it later on, a week or two later. And when they talked about it and said that whenever they decide to... It's a real Kansas pace to this one. I'm loving it.

they decide to they talked about whenever they have a son that they won't circumcise it huh you know when my wife asked why she said well her husband my twin brother isn't circumcised what the fuck from from there it just kind of got confusing. I didn't. Yes. I assumed from... Of course you assumed you both had the same thing done. Are you guys fraternal or identical? If you're identical, your parents are doing weird science stuff. Yeah, they really... It's like twins. Yes. Are you guys identical? Yes.

What the fuck? What should we call your brother, just whether it's his real name? You can call him Paul. Paul, okay. So you're... And you're're cut and you don't think Paul is cut well he doesn't know but his well why not maybe she doesn't know what cut is maybe they just did a better job on you yeah maybe his is like yeah he's got that that kind of mop top but so so where else do we end up here because this is why are your parents alive?

Yes. Yeah. Okay. There we go. So when you brought up that you're going to circumcise your son, Paul kind of pushed back and said like, no. And then he said, because I'm not, why would we do this? And you said, cause I was circumcised. You never said that to me.

Okay. It was his wife who said to my wife that he's not. That's crazy. Is there any other setup on this one? Anything you're gonna reveal later? It's like one of those riddles where the answer is like, the doctor's the mother. So is there any other details about this?

It kind of sprang to mind that maybe it had something to do with telling us apart when we were first born? Wait, what did you do? As a way to tell the boys apart, hit different dicks. Pull your pants down. Well, that works when you're nude. Yeah. Yeah. It's a tough one when your clothes gets tougher when school starts. Unless you put your, unless you're wearing really tight clothes or just wearing that dick like an elf It's trying to rash guard on with no underpants. Yeah Maybe oh, no me no no like a mannequin Jake. We know which ones you can you?

Not mom. Why'd you cut the whole thing off? All you left was nuts My twin brothers got a heart down to his knees That's it. That's a problem Small issue having a twin brother with a cock. That's way bigger. That's significant. So Robert just to catch up to you You and your brother Were twins you're cut. He's uncut

We're twins. You're cut. He's uncut. Maybe it's because your parents wanted to be able to tell you apart. Is there anything else before we start getting into this? This is a wild call. That's it, really. That's crazy. Okay, so what is the specific question that we can help you with?

This is a fascinating setup. I want to know whether he is or not, whether he's just mistaken or okay. You want to see your twin brother's Dick, Robert own it and just say it. Okay, so we now know this situation on this. Yes. Does anybody have an initial pitch? I'm still in a bit of shock to be quite honest with you. Now, let me just bring something up to you, Robert. Is there any world and you know, your family better than yours.

I don't want to put your parents who are probably if you're in your thirties, we're guessing sixties in Kansas. I don't want to put them in an uncomfortable spot, but is this a world you can bring this up to mom and dad? Yeah, that's your. And just, um, it would catch them off guard, but I could, I'm not entirely sure how I would say that okay So that doesn't seem comfortable, so we're looking for a way to accidentally get it well stick

There's really there's two places where as men we see each other's dick Yeah, I have a quick good is there a rift at the current moment between you and your brother No, we're a close family. We're a close bunch you You ask because of the circumcision. Well, I said well, I mean Why wouldn't you just ask your brother? It's a fair point to write but also that feels too simple Part of the reason why I didn't is because it it's hard for me to tell whether he knows what? Circumcision is yeah, it's a very strange predicament Yeah, it's a very strange You know what circumcision is it's a medical, you know, it's a medical procedure what I don't know every medical procedure How about this one?

What's the reason? Give me one what circumcision where you cut the top off? Yes Yeah, you don't think your brother knows that there's like the weird like skin part that some kids get cut off and some don't It not if I'm not done to him All right, I got a question for you Robert. Mm-hmm. Any chance you could ask your brother to come out and compare decks Whoa, I know it's weird But you could is there any world you could say? We're talking have you done it to your son yet? Yeah Yeah, I was gonna say if you had you could say I want to see the difference before you done it to your son yet? Yeah, yeah. I was gonna say if you had, you could say,

I wanna see the difference before I do it to my kid. Well, again, I'm sorta glad that we can't pursue that path if I'm being totally honest on behalf of the show. But part of it, if he doesn't know if his brother knows, you can't just ask. Going to mom and dad does not seem like a through line. What we need to pitch on, in my opinion, is how we get we got it

And saw yes, we've got to do max. Yeah, well one. I think it's a mistake to involve the child agreed the baby boy Well, that was your first bit. Yeah, no no what you say agree really quick, but he's talking about what you just said Well, you went right to I think we need to get the boy Bring the golden child before us miss quoted I'm not saying bring the boy's dick. Bring the golden child before us. Misquoted. Misquoted? No. I'm not saying bring the boy's dick out. I'm saying because- That's what he said.

I think it would be a good idea- He said show your brother the boy's dick. I didn't say show the kid the dick. It would be a good idea to run it back from the show. Show me your dick. Because I'm thinking about doing it to my son. That's not how it came across. Not bring the boy's dick out.

It's a baby, you pervert. No, don't. You just put it on across the boys tick out. It's a baby pervert No, don't you have my put it on us twins dick if you're identical twin half that dick is mine my god That is not legally sound. I don't think you should involve the boy. I agree well finally glad you came around J Max a hundred percent agree don't involve the boy that guy's let's say you're I get pointing at my dad. We're doing it man What's my dick? I don't do anything. I'm pretending. We're twins. You're pretending. I'm a little boy by the way Baby boy Baby boy, we're doing that little baby boy dick

Circumcise you cuz I'm your dad and I'm doing it in house I know you well enough looking at me like like a child You've done this me before I'm like I'm No, you're my brother. You're not I don't play the brother. I'm not standing for you I said to you show me your dick and you boy You've been the boy No, that is what you were no what it came across not going down on the heaven show me your dick. And you made it to the echo. And you said I'm the boy. I'm the baby. Nope.

That is what you were, that's what it came across as. Not going down on this. Kevin, put it back in the episode because I think it's very, I left with the same feeling that you were asking for baby dick. That's why you're sitting on that couch

and Garrett, that's why we've got a couch between us. Robert, back to you and your brother. He's very good. We need to find a way. Are you kind of pitching, and I don't want to pitch on stuff and at the end of the day you hang up and say, that didn't help, right? Are you looking for a way to try to accidentally see Paul's dick? Yes.

Or are you looking for a way to have a conversation with Paul and we could help get that language right? What's the best path forward for you? Where's your gut leaning towards? Probably some form of conversation, I'd say. I just don't know what to say. I wonder where we got to seeing his dick then. It felt like that's where you were leading us and now you turned on me.

It's a shame, because I have great, let's see his dick pitches. Let's see the first one. The first one is you say, hey, look, I know we had a little circumcision friction. Yeah. Let's go get a beer. And you take him to a place where you know the urinals are trough.

Ah. And you do a couple beers. And a couple beers deep, when he gets up to go to the bathroom, you go with him, and you just glance down at the schlong real quick. You do the look over. Yeah. Well, I think you're right in the sense that drinks need to be involved. Yes.

Are you guys drinkers, Robert? Not so much. OK. Sometimes. But I do like your idea of doing some form of a kind of a bathroom look-see. Kind of a sneak to see. Yeah. Well, because Robert, you're the one that said you're not sure if he knows if he's circumcised

or did someone in here say that? No, he doesn't know. That's true. That's what I said. I don't know that he knows what he's talking about. Right. So if there's a conversation and you go, have been circumcised he could say no and he has been Yeah, so yeah, I think and I don't want to put words in your mouth, but I think you're looking for evidence

You got to see the dick. Yep. I really feel like it's a parent's decision because there was somebody who made that call I think this is a two-parter. It's one, you should try to see the dick, and two, I actually think you should go to mom and dad over Paul. Max, what are you thinking? Again, I'm gonna come back to the simple, which is just ask your brother. What?

And say, hey man, and even if he doesn't know what circumcision means, hey man, will you describe what your dick looks like? No way with this flying Kansas. You ain't that guy. You can't do it publicly. You ain't that guy. Hey, will you describe what your dick looks to me?

I'll take it to the Jiu Jitsu mat right now. We'll have some calamari for the table. Or talk like that. All right. But you asked totally sober. Yeah. Seven drinks in, ask me. Hey man, can you just-

No, you're not, seven drinks in. I am seven drinks in. Yes. All right. It's a problem. 11. 15. Hey man. Hey.

It's been a good night, man. Yeah, it's been fun, brother. Yeah, dude. And we don't ever do this anymore. We don't do it enough. It's a good time, man. I'll tell you who we are right now. Robert now Robert and Paul couple of farmers that ain't a vibe Different man, we are good actors man

Hey man describe describe your dick looks like. What's that hog look like? Are you the top part? You're crazy man. You are man. You asked me about my dick. Yeah man just carry on. We're identical twin brothers.

We have the same dick. That'd be crazy. I never even really thought about that. We should look at him. Because like our faces look alike, our hair looks alike, our bodies look alike. We got the same size feet, it's nuts dude. I could like put my shoes on your feet right now, it'd fit dude. We should see each other's dick man. It's the one, it's like the last frontier. Let's see if everything is the same. Okay, hold on. And then you take them off and then you look at it

and you get the information that you need, but don't like, don't telegraph that you're trying to get that information and then you just go like this. Same! Robert, Robert, did you hear Max's pitch? Name one flaw. Wait, no, hold on. I want you to, Robert, I want you to try something. Just as an exercise. Will you be Robert, Max, you be Paul? Yeah. And Robert, I want you to try to do your version

of what Max just did to see if you can get to see your brother's dick, but do it in your world. Wait, I'm the brother. You're the brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Robert, the way Max was kind of leading it Let's see if there's a world you can be influenced by that and we could help with it. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, I'll give it a try. All right. All right, buddy. All right, so I'm at hold on just to be

How old are we? 32 30 32 and I live in Kansas. Yeah, and what do you guys do in Kansas? What kind of stuff? I don't play a lot of music What's my height and weight? for 11 Mostly hogs Don't make this a fantasy For 11 for 11 350 by the way, you know who's mad at me?

I'm sure. Robert, go ahead. Hey, buddy. How about another drink there? Oh, thanks. Robert, appreciate it. More than usual we're having tonight. Look at us. Oh man, how about them? Oh, how about them?

Oh, Patrick, Patrick. Yeah, Patrick, my home's all right. So. It's a little a little hot out here. Oh, yeah, maybe taking my shirt off. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah Shit man, I'll take my shirt off Alright man feel better better yeah this place is hot as shit they gotta open up some windows in this motherfucker I mean you can you can take your pants Goddamn we're brothers after all. Nah man I was thinking the same thing. Let me just hold on real quick. I got this new belt shit.

Oh hell yeah this feels much better just sitting here in our underpants. It's cool that nobody's saying anything either like just they're letting us be us. They know we're brothers they know that we look we look really really similar don't we look at well that's because we're identical twins my brother and I love you are we perfectly identical in every way you think well I'm looking at you right now everything looks the same to me let me say. Let me say something, you're handsome too. That's very nice for you to say. Are we identical in every way you think?

Well I'm looking at you, you're looking at me man. For sure. Look at us. It's coming, there are some differences I guess but you know I mean like my eyebrows feel a little bit differently but I don't know. What do you mean, man? That's a cool noise are you are you circumcised what Am I what I Have another drink You just said a word I don't know You don't know what that word means you said something about a circumtie what Circumcised I'm sorry brother. I don't know what you're talking about. Can you can you elaborate?

That's all I got man. Oh Robert keep going. I promise you is finish it off finish it. You're right there back in back in Do you want me to describe what circumcision is to you? Well, yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what that means When you're a little little boy or a baby When you're first born they cut your foreskin off. Do you know what foreskin is? I sure don't Maybe maybe we'll do a Google search together here and I'll show you the difference. Yeah, look at it. Why are you guys in your underpants? You led the horse to water and then you kicked it in its ass

You don't get a guy in his underpants in a bar and then do a Google take a lane if you do Do that with your clothes on? Although it is a nice. It's nice. It's nice to picture. I gotta tell you that was my favorite reenactment We've done without question that without question. That was as why- Robert, your timing is excellent. It's really weird stuff. Don't sleep on Paul's timing. Agreed, Paul's incredible. Yeah, but I know who Paul is. I know, yeah, you're right.

I know Paul's work. I think Paul- I'm a die-hard Paul guy. I don't know Robert. So, Robert, why didn't you finish? It's just awkward. I don't know why I told my brother that. It's awkward. Agreed, man. brother that it yeah, I agree man here

Hold on let's help you out Gareth you take over. Okay. All right. I'm Paul. So hold on this sir. What? This is a scientific thing. Well, this is a Hygienic I can't you're using all these big well, it's a good way to Keep it clean. It's like You know like let you ever watch like 600 pounds sisters a lot of stuff gets caught under the layers of skin keep what clean? the tip of the penis the penis's tip

Come on, man The penis's tip. Oh come on man, we're sitting here in our underpants and talking about my penis. Well I don't know why I got us naked to be honest. I kinda... You said it was hot as shit in here man. It is hot as shit. I feel good in our underpants. I'm hot, I was hot too man, I felt good. I'm just sitting here in my underpants and now you're talking about my dick and you're

making it all weird. Well just the tip is, sometimes the doctor takes the tip so in future, it's not as hard to keep it clean and did the doctor Take your tip. I don't know. I got something Robert. Oh, no, wait, this is the moment. This is the moment Yeah, my tips gone So I have no tip Wow looks like a helmet. Maybe I should look at mine again. Yeah. Get it out. Let's maybe look at it together. Let's look at it together. And I'll tell you if you have your circumcised or not. Okay. Let me just quickly tell everyone the Bartle. Yeah. Give him a

heads up. Hey man. Don't look. Don't look over here. All right. I think that's the move. I don't think so. Jake was in video village writing notes the whole time I actually think this led us to something that could work Robert, but it's really weird drug him That's another option, but I think what this could work There's one guy if there's a medical condition you're going through there's one person who could help you out If there's a medical condition you're going through, there's one person who could help you out. Your twin. It's like a liver donor.

It's like he's a perfect match. You need to say you're having something that's happening with your genitals and you're asking as a really embarrassing flavor, can he take a photo or can you see his dick to see if there's what's happening? The rash on his is abnormal or what have you? So you're asking as like a we're the same But I want to know if you're having the same thing that I'm having and I think it's because of being Circumcised and I think your wife said you're not and I'm wondering if it was a big mistake that I did and a mistake

I did for my kid Are you experiencing this and maybe show a photo of the tip of yours and be like, does it look like this? And he goes, no. And I go, what's different? And he goes, I got skin going over. And then you realize, oh, we have different dicks. Then the question becomes, why did mom and dad do this?

But if you go over that buildup you did with the first Robert and Paul that felt really weird to me my man The really slow rhythm that you guys are drinking beer. It was a will they won't they? But it was and then I think you're alone in this I don't think so. It was a good take But I will say Robert Ailey's I think there's a world where you can blame this idea of You have a question about your penis. It's embarrassing. He's the only guy who can answer it Where you could say like do you have this blank issue guys? What do you think of that as they were looking for a solution here? I like it I also think if we're gonna go the conversation conversation route, I, I know I pitched,

I think, get a look at it. I think the best way to do it is to get a look at it at a year and a but the wives have already been talking about this a little bit, right? This is where the information came from. I hear what you're saying. So why not have your wife talk to his wife and be like, Hey, I just want to make sure we're clear just because I think you might be Robert is cut. just because... I think you might be right. Robert is cut. Paul did not have the tip of his penis cut. Hey Robert, what do you think about using the wives

to have this talk? It's normal girl gabs. I mean, yeah, it is pretty normal girl gab, you're right about that. Especially if you guys aren't around for it. Just default it to them. Robert, I'm also gonna ask a totally different question. What are you gonna do with the information once you get it?

That's the second part of this. I don't know what to do. Wait, what does it matter? Write a song about it? I don't understand. There's two situations. Well, sure, walk us through. Either he doesn't know what he's talking about or he's not and then we need to know why.

If he's not it opens up a big can of worms about your family in a real way. If he doesn't know what circumcision is, kind of who cares, he might be a little bit, you know, his light bulb might be a little dim, who cares. If your parents circumcised one of you and not the other and never told you, you ever seen the documentary three identical twins Oh my lord. Yeah, just weird stuff. You can do with identical. Yeah That isn't a penis is no, but that these are questions I would ask mom and dad then my advice to you Robert is I think you trying to do the weird

Let's take our shirts off our pants off. It's hot in here. It's gonna put you and Paul in a bad spot It's fun. It's fun. It was a lot of fun to be around It was the hardest I've laughed in a while. I think it might be the hardest I've laughed on the show But I don't think it's the move. I like the idea of medical procedure. It's hard. It's hard to do photos of it I think Gareth is right. I think you his wife is leading out very firmly. He is not circumcised She might not know what it is so that if your wife goes my husband is a hundred percent circumcised I don't understand why he wouldn't be yeah and then if she says he's not then you could google it together the wife's and

she could say his dick is like that then if you find out you and Paul together can go to mom and dad and on the show hey on the show please as a follow-up please I've never wanted to follow up more I will pay we will literally pay for your this is when I'd go to Kansas but the next step Robert is going to mom and dad because the why on this if it's to tell you a part that's about as weird as it gets and if it's not it happened a doctor died yeah like there's no reason. Like there's no reason. Lightning strikes. There's no reason. But so Robert, will you ask your wife to take the lead on this? I can do that. I'm also also kind of leaning a two pronged approach. What's

the other prong? What's pronged too? I thought about the what you mentioned earlier about building full liquids and then trying to get a peak. I let listen good work do both. Let's do both. Okay Let's do both. Well, hey, hey worst-case scenario you find out what his dick looks like twice. Great Robert there's I can't think of one thing that's bad about you my If you're ever in LA do not you want a career you want to you want to hang out you want to stay with Jake in His garage where he has a jujitsu man So Robert will you genuinely please follow up with us? Are you gonna start with getting him drunk and get a look at that hog? Are you gonna start with the wives?

I think I'll start with the start with a good trying to get a peak. Okay Robert I'm I mean this I'm really peak. Okay. Robert, I mean this. I'm really proud of you. Okay. So after the peak works or doesn't work, how are you going to do the peak? Will you walk us through actually what you're going to do? I think it's just as simple as, you know, we're both out eating somewhere or out of a bar. And then if it's a bathroom with two urinals, I mean it could be anywhere.

Well you make sure that you take them to a place that's cloth based. But it's like the Godfather, you need to set it up. You need to have the right bathroom then. That's what I mean. Yeah, you definitely gotta make sure. You call the place, you ask a question they've never been asked before.

Hey, do your urinals have dividers? There's kind of an open space for men to wet their penis whistle. Oh, it's open. Can I make a reservation for tonight at eight? And then once he goes in, then I'll just follow. Yep. You do, you very simply do the, ah, I'll hit it too.

And then go right next to him, keep talking and get a look at his dick. Yep. Robert, we appreciate the call, buddy. Keep us very posted. Thank you. Thanks, pal. We'll keep you posted. Right on, Robert. Good luck.

God bless. God bless. God bless. God bless. God bless. God bless. God bless. God bless.

God bless. God bless. God bless. God bless. God bless. God bless. God bless. God bless.

God bless. God bless. God bless. God bless. God bless. God bless. God bless. God bless.

God bless. God bless. God bless. God bless. God bless. God bless. God bless. God bless.

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You don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocket money comm slash help gilly really fast. That's right It's rocket money comm slash help rocket money comm slash help get help Hi, can we get your name please Bizz, biz, biz, biz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz Schmiddy here! Hey, Sarah! Schmiddy Vakes is here! That's awesome. Yeah. I'm really excited. Don't stop. Bring him back. Schmiddy's right here in the front.

So Sarah, what can we do for you? Utah 23. What's the issue today? The floor is yours. A couple months ago, I bought a leopard gecko. I don't know if you know what that is, but it's a really common pet. They are spotty. They always have a really derpy face.

They're so cute. So I always wanted one. They're a lizard. Oh, but with the spots, don't you? I told my husband's family all about it, which his little cousin, let's name him, Timmy, proceeded to ask if I ever go on vacation if he could watch The Lizard. And I said, oh, of course, I'm actually going to Hawaii in May. You can watch it then.

A couple of months go by, we put our house up for sale So I decided it'd be easier just to sell the lizard so I did I sold her in late March until two days ago, I went to a barbecue a family barbecue and The little boy runs up to me to me and he says When when am I watching the get-go? I know it's this month Um, I've been raising dubia roaches to feed the gecko as a pet. So he's been prepping for months for this

and me being an awkward person I am said that, oh, that will be so fun. Just pretending like I hadn't just sold the gecko a month and a half ago. Sarah. So now I leave on May 21st and they're expecting me to drop a gecko off on the 20th. So what should I do? The most things I come up with is just telling them that it died. Pretty good.

Two quick questions. How old is Timmy? Timmy is about six. Six? Wow. Man. Okay. That's going gonna be hard to disappoint a six year old. And what were you talking about with the roaches? He's raising roaches to feed the gecko. The little boy is? Let me tell you something. I have two dogs. My kids don't do shit. Yeah. This kid is raising. Yeah, he's raised ro Roaches he's ready for his own gecko Can you have a conversation with the parents and say listen? Oh, can we get is it time for Timmy to have his own gecko? I like that Well, they had told him if he did a good job watching my gecko They would think about giving him his own gecko

Well, can but you can have a conversation with the parents and say listen, this is what happened They'll understand your side of it and then maybe we get timmy his own gecko clearly he's a responsible kid yeah but here's the catch what is so then you what if timmy's not ready for it and the parents don't want the gecko does sarah take the gecko back then no i mean look you know how you find out if you're not ready for the gecko yeah the gecko dies oh i'm not rooting for it but you know that's how you know how you find out of the if you're not ready for the get-go. Yeah, yeah, the get-go dies I'm not rooting for it, but you know, that's a your page of the fast. So Sarah Max's pitch is You asked the family to buy a gecko. What are these when you saw it? So if you want to take responsibility you she can but Sarah can buy the gecko for the question What is a gag when you said you sold it on the market? What does a gecko run for? Is it 10 bucks, is it 500 bucks?

It's a wild question. What's a leopard gecko come for? Well it needs at least like a 20 gallon tank. Okay, but you have a tank. I had one. Oh you sold everything. I re-homed the gecko. Oh okay, so how much?

So the gecko is gone. So when you sold everything, how much cash did that person from Craigslist give to you in your garage? About $300. Okay, $300 is in your world is pretty significant, yes? Yeah, yeah, we're right out of college. So spending $300 for little Timmy is not really what you want to do right before you go to Hawaii and piss a bunch of money on drinks and food in a hotel. Yeah, it's not. It's not ideal. You said talk to the parents.

I had already essentially lied to her too, because she was like, oh, I just need to know the plan. And I just said, well, I'm leaving the 21st because I'm an awkward person. Yes, that gets it. That leads us to the pitch that I think you had, which is that the get-go dies. The get-go died. I think you have to deliver some bad.

Well, what the fuck else are we gonna do? I mean, this kid is raising goddamn roaches. Take responsibility for your lies and own up to it. Do you know what show you're on, you idiot? What do you think this is, Dr. Phil? They're not here to hurt. So, hold on. let me just click, because I'm with you, Sarah, on this one.

You had a Gekko, a little leopard guy, you spent about 300 bucks, you had the whole system, little Timmy got excited, you said free babysitter? Yes, the parents will help. You then were moving, you didn't want to move with it, you sold it, you got 300 bucks. What'd you put into this whole Gekko? Did you just break even,

or was there a profit on this little guy? This is no Shark Tankie. I actually lost money on it. Okay, so you lost a little bit of money. Then it's coming up, and in the moment, will you walk us through why you lied? Yes. And I don't have any judgment.

I just want to kind of get a sense of that moment. I have quite severe anxiety, and my husband decided he wasn't gonna go to the barbecue Oh, so you went solo. Did we get bug bites? Whose party is this that you went to that your husband didn't your family? No, it's his family. It was his brother's graduation party. So first of all, he screwed you, but we're not, that's not what this call's about. So you go to a party, your goddamn anxiety is spiking. If I'm you stay away from the cheese. You're going to get spider bites. I'm not even there for one minute when the aunt comes up to me and was like, so I need to know all the details.

Okay. And she said, Kimmy is going to come and ask you because we've been working on his words to come and ask you this hard question of when you're going to drop the gun. And walk me through your anxiety level at this moment. Are you a 10 out of 10? Oh man. Yes. Okay. Yeah. I'm, okay. I was already working myself in the car. I'm like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to go

get a hamburger. I'm going to leave. By the way, are you me? Yeah. What are you? I mean, honestly. I feel a lot of anxiety. I'm going to go get four hamburgers, then I'm gonna eat a bunch of that weird chili. I'm gonna freak everyone out and then get in the car and go home. Then I might go, hard seltzers aren't really alcohol, drink about nine of them and go, after eight they are.

Take a bag of Snyder's, eat them in the car, nobody knows. Hey, yeah, Sarah, uh. Hey, Jimmy, I'm gonna get go. Take care of me, I'm not eating roaches. Stay away from Sarah, stay away from Sarah. Everyone back away from Sarah. I'm a gecko. Take care of me. I'm not eating roaches. Stay away from Sarah. Everyone back away from Sarah. So your thought is I'm going to eat a hamburger.

I'm going to do the rounds. I'm going to do the right thing by my partner or my husband. And I'm going to get out of here. This little boy bombards you. Yes. And what does this little guy say? So he is hiding behind his mom. He finally gets up the courage to say When are you gonna drop the gecko off? I'm so excited. What was the gecko's name? You don't have to worry about food

Sarah, what do we call this little lizard? Was bink after jar jar bink. Okay, so he's like, when do I get equal success level with this gecko and uh jar jar I'd say so he goes when do I get my hands on this lizard? And you go what? I go, I leave on the 21st. I don't mention the gecko. I just say, this is what I leave. And then what happens?

And then he's like, well, great. Don't worry about food. I've been raising roaches for it. That's a turn, dude. Jesus. That's going to shout a nightmare. I'm throwing the hamburger on the ground at that point. I'm out of here So I've been raising roaches and you hadn't asked him to do this

No, no this I had told him that you know leopard geckos are hard because they have to eat live food Fuck let me ask you this Sarah. Do you have any contact with the person you sold the gecko to? Good question. None at all. I thought about finding someone who would rent me a gecko, but it's really hard to find someone who will rent their gecko. I don't think there's a big business

for renting geckos in Texas. Yeah. And I like to invest in bad businesses. I don't see an upside there. No, it means you might want to throw a little money in the get-go market if I'm being honest. Yeah, but like rent a get-go. The kind of person that wants to rent one. It's not a hot business. That's one in a million.

Yeah, no, you're right. Yeah. Okay, so we are in a situation where the trip is coming up. You have told a lie. You got to get out of it. This little boy is very excited. He started a roach farm. There's talk that his family might do it, but we don't know if they're gonna follow us through. You might have to ghost them. They can't. It's his husband's family. I honestly think I'm going back to the beginning here, Sarah,

and a tragedy occurred. I think it had to die. Because I was gonna pitch the idea of like a fake one that you get a little... Yeah, but he's gonna... But then he's gonna think it died. He's gonna see a cage full of roaches and be like, Pink's isn't eating, Pink's is going hungry.

As roaches are just overtaking this little aquarium. Or, here's an idea, here's a weird one. You go get a little tank and you get like a little enclosure and you say they're very shy. You can't interrupt them if they're in there. This is absolutely insane. A little thing of like clay in the corner of it so he can see the outline. A clay mix.

And you go like, so they're very nervous. He might not come out, but you just put the roaches in there if he wants to. Just wait. And then after the few days, you go, you go great. And he goes, how was it? He never came out. And you go like, goes how was it he never came out and you go like oh well he sometimes does well it's like nobody look listen if we're not going the route of being honest and Owning up to it, and we're gonna put a lie on the lie. Yeah, you got to sell it, and I think you get a tattoo of The RIP binks yeah, RIP Binks. Yeah. RIP Binks.

Just a Binks tattoo. And then you say, you say, little, hey, little boy, Timmy. Hey, little guy. Hey, little guy. You know, hey, you have to, you know, yeah, you have to back out of the driveway. Yeah. Yeah. Uh huh. Okay. Yeah. And you know, you know, we just Yeah, uh-huh. Okay. Yeah, you know You know we just got that new Dodge Ram. I okay the car yeah

Max are you Sarah? Oh, I tried dipped into Paul Cowboy Are you circumcised little guy? What a fun out there, Utah Go at all and it did either Hey, um, so, you know how we rented the Sienna for the last couple months The car yeah, we'd love we love it. We fit so much stuff in there, we drive around. Anyway, you know, we have to back out of the driveway. At your house?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, you know, sometimes you know how we let Binks run out in the front yard. That's dangerous. Well, Binks loves it. I can't wait to meet Binks again, because I have all the roaches ready to go.

He's going to eat so well while you're gone. That's the thing. So, we were pulling out of the driveway and we'd forgotten to put Binks back in the house. Oh no. No. And, your dad ran over Binks. Wait, my dad did?

And- Why was my dad over at your house? That was a turn, Sarah. Wait, my dad did? And- Why was my dad over at your house? That was a turn, Sarah. Watch, don't, cause Sarah, if we're gonna do this, don't put it on you. My dad was over at your house and he ran over Binks? Yeah, and I knew how badly he would feel about it.

Oh my god. So I didn't tell him. But I didn't- Is Binks okay? I didn't do it. Is Binks okay? Binks is dead. Oh my god! I'm sorry.

But I had all the roaches. Save them, they'll be useful for something. What will they be useful for? Maybe they could be your pets. What? You can take care of the roaches, you can name them. Sarah. You can give them all Star Wars names.

Sarah, what do you think about, honestly, telling the family that Binks died? Is that a path you're comfortable with? It's I feel like it might be one of my only options Great change of voice there. It was you that was you were not comfortable. This is a situation Yes, you don't want to hurt this little kid. No, I get it But the kids gonna get humming because here's why So Max is pushing towards, this is so easy. This is obvious. Just tell the truth, right? And own up to your lie. Is that correct? Yes. And so that version, Sarah, is you calling Timmy's mom and saying, Hey, I sold Binks like a two months ago at the party. I had anxiety and I lied to you.

It's now coming up. Uh, but there's no banks. Then that mom is going to go, what the fuck? Cause now I have to say to my, I have to handle your mess. Cause your lie. So you could do that or you could do the other lie and that is you just call the parents and you say I've got very bad news binks died or or or or please to your weird clay gecko yeah get a fake one

okay put it on a rock and the fucking thing yeah take it over there yeah keep going don't listen to Max Keep going. Timmy killed the Gecko Interesting Tim you brought over a living Gecko. That's gonna traumatize the guy, huh? We are what are we gonna do danger zone? There's no solute. This kid is we're hurting Timmy So Sarah forget about Timmy so you hurt yourself when you made the lie agree, and you're only gonna make it worse if you keep on lying I think I go to first of all I thought your reaction as the mom was super intense you do yeah Really yes, it was like a friendship ender

Now here's not a friendship under to me if somebody said to my kid My kids all excited, and then they said as soon as they sold it we sold it fine This lady came to my house ate a hamburger told my kid. It's coming up alright. This is a weird lie My kids all excited and then they said as soon as they sold it, we sold it. Fine. This lady came to my house, ate a hamburger, told my kid it's coming up. All right. This is a weird lie. I know. I'm Sarah and I go to the mom.

Okay. I'm the mom? Yeah. Okay. So Sarah, how quick until this trip starts? I just need these facts. Twenty-first, right? Twenty-first.

So you're leaving in about two weeks. Yeah. So when was the barbecue when you lied? Two days ago, okay fresher than I thought fresher than I thought yeah Imagine how annoying Timmy has been to this mom keep that in mind All this fucking kid talks about is this guy go sure and the roaches, okay? Hey, honey. Hey, I'm not your mom. I know but you're Timmy's mom and I need to talk to you I said get out of here I want to talk to you about my anxiety

I have I don't know you that well. I have a mental health issue And sometimes I've it's okay You know the gecko I had Timmy at the Timmy is so excited. He know he he's raising these roaches. I know it is a whole thing. No, he is I'm not excited. We got rid of the the the binks that they spotted gecko. We got rid of it The the binks that they spotted gecko. We got rid of it What do you mean? We got rid of it? We were moving whatever the I was moving the house and we needed to get rid of it And we said we don't we don't have it anymore, but because of my anxiety. When'd you sell it?

I don't know a month ago. Why didn't you tell me I would have fucking bought it cuz I didn't fucking think You the moment I sold the thing I was thinking about the house really well You know financial crisis the first thing you do is sell a lizard get a job bitch You told my kid he's been raising roaches you sell it a month ago. You're telling me right now I'll buy the roaches off of them. I'm offering The roaches cost $5,000 You had an opportunity you know we're thinking about getting a lizard what do you have drugs you're a drug addict The roaches cost $5,000. Come on, the roaches don't cost $5,000. The roaches, hey! You had an opportunity, you know we're thinking

about getting a lizard. What are you, on drugs? Are you a drug addict? You got a, what are you, selling in an alley? It all goes right back to this. You selling a lizard in an alley? Not my selling a lizard! Your little boy came up to me and he was all right.

My little boy is, hey kid, roaches. He's the most annoying little shit I've ever met in my entire life! What kind of kid raises roaches? Hi Sarah. Hey Timmy. Hi! Uh, this is your kind of aunt. Oh.

Uh, so- Why are you yelling? Oh, we just got worked up, honey. Um, so, uh, Sarah, is there anything you want to say to Timmy? Can't wait to see Pink's. Anything that you want to say? Yes. Sigh. Um say yes Sarah go ahead

Jimmy being died Because of your dad Thank you very well Let us wait are you gonna actually what are you gonna really do really fast? Oh, yeah, I think I'm gonna say that dinks died yeah, and Since my husband was the reason this happened. I'm gonna blame it on him May I add another layer your husband brought up to me. No my husband led golfing So he's the reason oh cuz he wasn't at the party

That's why yeah, so he was there. I could have done it. I could have told the truth. I think that's right, okay So Gareth what were you well? I think that works. I was gonna say have your husband deliver the news put it all on him He's closer. He's closer It's his fault he relates to them the bad news is is that this is why you get married the lizard the lizard passed away Natural causes. Yeah, what do you think of that? Or do you want to do it? Oh, I'm not gonna do it Okay, so I thought it was an option. You really I didn't I know you did like five reenactments where you're delivering the news You don't want to jump in at one point. Let us know that was I didn't realize What do you you heard how it played out as horrible every time?

No, my husband is the only option I'm gonna go with the clay option by the way, I already told them I just wanted to call the show. Why don't you make one of those like cakes those hyper realistic cakes? We need a hologram Daddy just take a big bite of it I'm trying cake lizard Chocolate so Sarah the final advice is you're gonna, and the thing you said you're gonna do is you're gonna have your husband tell the family

that the Geico has died. The Geco. Is that true, the Geco? What did I say, Geico? Geico, you're doing that. No, the insurance. Free ad. Yes, or buy a new Geco.

Those are the same. Wow, you are a real. I mean, if you're gonna buy a new one. Let's go. Is that a real option? That's what I thought about it And then telling them that they could buy it from me. Yes. I like that Hold on. That's actually a real play

You buy it's very into the finance. Yes, Jake right now. Yeah, but here's a real I'm not trying to get a profit. No, you want to cut you are I mean, I make a little bit of so we're 300 all in if you sell So but but Sarah this is a lot one point. So this is a real option. I want back door What if you actually? Buy the tank by the thing give it to her Hey when Timmy's done go you, you did so good, then say to the parents, if you guys are considering getting one, I would be open to sell you this,

and I would just do it for what I paid, 500 bucks. How about just this, he wants one so badly. If it's okay. I'm kinda getting sick of it. Keep going. No, you just go, I wanna buy you one. Like, we bought you one. and if it's okay with the parents Well, she doesn't want to go down to 300 bucks. I Think you do it. I think you buy

You go afterwards you go how was it and it here's you know, you do you could front load that plan by saying hey look I think let's do the trial run where he looks after it and then then do you guys just wanna buy it off me after the Hawaii trip? See if they find. What if they say no, then you say it just died of natural causes? Yes, you say, listen, this is gonna sound crazy, but it died, or, I mean, that's really it, that's it. That's the end of my pitch.

Sam, here's what I really think. Here's what I really, in my heart of hearts, believe. We've led you to some weird ones. I wouldn't do the clay one. That feels really crazy. If you get caught, you're in a danger zone. Yeah. Community, you're a legend. The line about dying feels really strange to me.

Here's what I would actually do if I were you. I would text the parents and say, I'm not against, um, selling it to you guys at cost, you know, whatever, blah, blah, blah. If he's into it. Um, and so this could be a trial run. I'm kind of done with my gecko phase of life. And so if they, he's already raising them, the parents know they're eventually going to buy a fucking system for this gecko. So afterwards you just say how'd it go? They go good. And you go, look, the whole thing could just be yours. 300 bucks.

And they go great. I mean, whatever you want to say in the last second. I mean, I'm not going to say that. I'm just saying that. I'm just saying that. I'm just saying that. How'd it go? They go good and you go look the whole thing could just be yours 300 bucks and they go great I Mean whatever you want to say in the last second like let your hamburger anxiety take over. Yeah. Yeah, how much is it? $25 I Got a callback. Why I'll pay you

But Sarah, what do you think of just? Fucking going for it given because we don't want to hurt Timmy Getting him a fucking gecko. What if you go with the clay one, but You don't give him the clay one you take the clay one with you to Hawaii and you take pictures of you with the clay one you're taking the get you weekend of Bernie's this thing and then You you let them know on the weekend of pinksies. Oh my god. I forgot to drop it off It's been everything we left them in oh why he wanted to stay he was so happy

He met all of his relative relatives and other iguanas and shit and any drink the water You left them there. It was beautiful How could I bring them back? Or I tried to bring them back. He was finally home. He's in natural habitat. They killed him at customs. Is that your pitch, Jake?

So Sarah, now with these new round of pitches, what do you think you're going to do? Is there any world you're going to just buy it and go for it? Because I think what's going to happen is they're going to love it. Timmy's going to crush his weekend. His little roaches are gonna be perfect He's gonna fall in love the parents are gonna go I mean, it's the best literally growing roaches the best twist is the roaches kill the gecko yes, but what do you think of that as a plan with the idea of

Afterwards you figure out a fair price and you sell to them. Would you think about doing that? Where yet? Yes, I've actually been looking on Craigslist to see if there's anybody that already has a whole setup that is looking to get rid of it. Okay. That I can just pick up and then take to their house. Why don't you get them a really small cage just for the weekend, like a little starter kit

and they can then buy whatever they want after. Go to PetSmart and get in a $20 a little home for it. Say you broke the other one, it cracked. Or you don't wanna travel with it. Sure. That's a little home for say you broke the other one it cracked Oh, you don't want to travel with it sure that's a good idea But you just get like one of those little travel cheap ones And then you go this is just for the weekend and then go you want it to fucking get go What do you spend? What do you go to PetSmart buy one of those lizards for 18 bucks? That's not a $300 creature It's the hundred 40 bucks so 40 bucks and a fifteen dollar thing. It's ready got its food

You're 65 bucks in but what do you think about that go and spend forty bucks on the little lizard fifteen bucks on the little cage? Bringing it there for the weekend if they want to get another big cage fucking go for it. I like that I do I'll do that Sarah. I think this is the best way out of a very weird hamburger lie Yes, that's why I called this podcast. Well, we're happy. Listen, it's been a great two hours and I never thought I'd say get go so many goddamn times. And we appreciate it.

And appreciate. Max, we appreciate you. Thank you, Max. Sarah, hopefully we helped you. Keep us posted, Sarah. I think you did. This is insane. But are you gonna actually do this? Oh yeah, I'm probably gonna go to pet smart now. Thank you

I think this is gonna be a happy ending especially for Timmy not for banks. He passed away Me too This episode of we're here to help is sponsored by Fylo Fylo has shows movies live TV for just $25 a month You can even try it for free with a seven day free trial I gotta tell you if you got a seven day free trial and you don't have a TV system you're liking try it for free Yes, there's no contracts. There's no commitments. There's no hassles. It's a better way to watch TV. And they have a lot of shows.

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What was, uh, being being directed by Seinfeld like the best really what's he so it was I didn't realize like I mean I was always a huge fan of the show yes of him and of him but I didn't totally do the math internally how much he had influenced everything that I had done interesting and so when we were doing new at all I was always saying like, I mean from the very beginning when we started that show, I was like, this is all fun and games, but we should really, you know, just knock out a wall and put a live studio audience there and then we'd be making a real show.

Yeah. But you acted like that and changed the way I acted like that and it worked. Well for that, for that. For that show. And I certainly had like, you know, a very specific tone on that, on New Girl. And we joke about this, you know, Dave and Brett who were running the show at the time,

they would come in and they would be like, Max, please just do one take like a human boy. But you knew they loved it. And when I would get that note, I would go, oh, I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing. Like, I'm right in the zone. And it was my favorite. And so that when we started working on it,

and because the way that I was situated and positioned in that movie where it was really just Amy and I, and we were basically, for the most part, in these really sort of contained I, and we were basically for the most part in these really sort of contained scenes, and Jerry was directing, so he didn't have to think about acting at all, and he would come in, we'd rehearse it, they'd block it out,

and then he had like four or five Seinfeld writers, which is also amazing. So you got to live that dream. Who were coming in and rewriting it very much like you do on a multicam which at this point I had been on for you know five six years and so I was like I'm so comfortable here and I'm getting to do the exact thing that I want like the tone that I want to be doing cool man with some with the Gary and and he was

you know and on day one we get him to laugh and from that point on It was just it was on it was the greatest. That's I got a question for you actually that I've talked Without you on but how did you know the tone of new girl before the rest of us because obviously Zoe and I thought we Were doing freaks and geeks. Yeah, and we talked about this. Yeah, Liz. I think was all over the place She was kind of the genius, but she was doing all shows. Finkel was more, like when you say Finkel and Brett, Finkel was more in your camp, but Brett was more in the me and Zoe camp.

I think they all... But you knew what you were doing. I think they knew too. You did? Yeah. And I think, I mean, it's structurally was, is no different than most TV shows. Right.

You had, like, you can, like, Big Bang's a good example. You brought this up, I remember it. You had Johnny Galucki and Kaylee Cuoco were doing their thing and establishing that relationship, which is the centerpiece of the show. Right. But you need the third piece, which is the centerpiece of the show. But you need the third piece, which is Jim Parsons,

because if you're on a half hour on network TV, it's like the love story is nice, but we build that over time. You need jokes, the punchline guy. And that balances out and you ride with the punchline jokes, punchline guy, until you catch up with the the love story and so it wasn't even that I understood the tone of the show it's that it was very evident what you guys were doing I would never forget I walked by the monitor one day and you and Zoe

were doing like some toothbrush thing right and you were like oh my god this is you guys were like it was so clear and you were like oh my god this is you guys were like it was so clear and you guys were doing incredible work and it was subtle and it was really nice and you were like this is you know this is Sam and Diane this is every great love story on a network TV show and I go okay that's that part of the show and then I think it was like I forget what episode it was it was early on, but I had to do that thing where you guys walk in

to the room and I'm like trying to figure out where I look sexiest in my bedroom. Yes. This is like episode two or three. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like pushing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you guys are just down there like on, what is happening here? Well, I remember we talked about it. I was like, I don't get what show you're on or what show I'm like pushing it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and you guys are just down there like on what's happening

Well, that's I remember we talked about I was like, I don't know what show you're on or what show I'm but he but even But that was your reaction not only in real life Yes, and and and then I've ever said everybody's coming in and they're going oh, this is good and I go, okay great This is what they want this to be. Yes you guys and also Lamorne wasn't a thing on the show yet, and they had put him on a shelf. They had told us they put him on a shelf. So it was really just the three of us. Yeah, you're not wrong.

And so that was the structure. Hannah hadn't started really. No, she wasn't even a regular on the show at that point. It was just the three of us. And I was like, if this is the three of us. This is the thing. Yeah, it was like you have to balance the tones. But where are you, Max?

So when did you realize, oh, this is a fucking real arc here? Cause you were then lean into that. Cause I thought at the beginning of your member, we thought for sure it was going to be Damon and her. Uh, Damon and Hannah from the, it was very clear there. And then Schmidt was kind of bouncing around as the funny guy. Then when Lamar and Cabe for some was very clear It ain't gonna be the more But we got a woman whose character is straight-up a model

Yeah, and she was her contract was something like 13 out of two we're gonna She's gonna be around it can't just be with Zoe on her adventures Yeah, there was a moment when it started well Liz and Brett and Dave were super smart and that they just let the show sort of Play out and then wrote to what they were sort of seeing on totally right and I think Smartly, I think they noticed oh I think we can do more with my character and just make him like the woman on the show and like he's got a new girl And it was like what if we put him with like everything seemed to be working really well with Hannah's character and so I think and what ended up happening was which I think was great was they put us together and

You know, they gave us some some obstacles in beginning, and it was hit or miss, and that and that, but... It allowed you guys, they sped our relationship up... Right. ...in order to slow yours down. Oh, that's interesting. And so if you look at, like, all of the big things that happened, or a lot of the big things that happened, like, we were the set piece for a lot of big moments for you guys.

Huh. So it was like... Explain what you meant....Ce and Schmitt's wedding, right is a moment for Nick and Jess Oh, right. You know, I mean, yeah, and it was like Schmidt and CC or whatever like whatever they're like they're getting engaged these things are happening in that these big big story What would be like a movie, right? big, like, what would be like a movie. Right. We get to play out the Jess, Nick stuff

within that and that creates the set piece for you guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I like, I really, I love that dynamic. Yeah, me too. It was fun. And I think it all was in service of that relationship. Yeah, I actually think it was all in service. And when I look back on that show,

and we've talked about it off air, but the hit that that thing has done on Netflix and its new life, I didn't see happening. By the end of our show, we did not get big ratings. We were not, we did not all go on Conan in director's chairs and get a big applause. It wasn't a big ending. So the fact that it's had this whole second life

has given me time to actually learn gratitude about it and appreciation as opposed to like, fun job, lot of good bits. Fun goofing around with Max. And being like, I'm 45 and there's a new person who loves the show. You're like, pretty fucking cool, man. Yeah, and I think we lived on Netflix

for a really long time. And and I like joke about this with my daughter, who is now 14. Crazy. She's 14. She's just the kids all know about it at that age, but they're not like fully into it. Interesting. It's like they're just before it's really college. Yeah, interesting. Because they're in they're in their dorms,

they've got nothing to do. And also, you know, I think there was, I also think there was an insane influx of people who were introduced to that show during COVID. Pandemic changed everything. I'm just going to watch all of it. Well, they missed having a group of friends. Totally.

Who were nice to each other and all came together at the end. But because it's so available now I think you know you get these like There's always gonna be new college kids Yeah, and they're gonna and they're gonna always discover it and it's gonna be super weird because you know We're gonna be 60 like if not There's gonna be like you know 23 year 23-year-old girls who are gonna be like, 29? And I'm gonna be like this, oh my god! 48, brother!

You know what's gonna be funny? 62, lady! You know, we talked about it before. We were all like, you know, little bitches about it, whatever, this idea of like, will there ever be a something? You know, we're all like, I don't know what it means. There's eventually one day the rubber's gonna meet the road and we're all gonna be together doing something. I don't know what it means. There's eventually one day the rubber's gonna meet the road and we're all gonna be together doing something.

I don't know what it is. The old girl. But whatever that bit, whatever that thing is, if it keeps living, look, if it's on Hulu and then it eventually dies out, it'll go away. But if people do keep finding it, the idea of what that reunion would be, it's not gonna be three episodes,

it's not gonna do what Will and Grace do. I don't think New Girl will ever go away. Yes, you don't. No, no, no, no. So this is what I'm saying about it. So you even said when we first started with season one, I was having a freak out. It's too much work for me. I couldn't keep up with the lines.

I was just stopping with weed, but I was drinking so much. It was too much for me. I was losing it. You also were, you were in a tough position because Zoe's the lead of the show. Yes. So I was in her stories. And you had to ground her stories. Yes. And you're watching me run around and bounce off of walls and hit every punchline.

Right. And the writers are just like giving me joke after joke after joke after joke after joke. And I remember you were like, I'm, do they not think I'm funny? Yeah. What do I need to do here? Totally. But also I was there all the time

because I would be in your scenes too. Totally. So I was there all, and also before and I had no experience. So I was used to being eighth on call sheet working on the Tuesday. I get it. I was like, this shit's too much. sheet, working on the Tuesday. I get it. I was like, this shit's too much.

But your position on the show was always like, I've been there before, we were going, what am I even doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is going on here? Totally. I don't understand, like. But you, really quick, were a big part of the turn for me.

You remember the scene I'm talking about outside of the house, where there was a scene where we were, I think it was parking lot or something, like parking spot something. We all had to run, we were here, and they wanted it in a wide shot, run to the garbage can, throw something out, run back. Every take Max did, Video Village was giving

like a standing ovation. It was like a vaudevillian show where the audiences were throwing roses. Zoe was going, everyone was happy. I was going, there'd be like a real long pause, and then everyone would come back and be like, really great, great, great, Max, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they'd go, hey, Jake,

you were running to the garbage. Before we did the take, I go like that, I did one and Jake's going, what the fuck? And I go, Jake, watch, I'm gonna do a, and I was aware, I said, I'm gonna do a ridiculous one, even for me. And I know, watch what happens. Literally, right before it's like,

here he goes, watch this. And I literally did Brazilian Jiu Jitsu cartwheels. You know what you really, speaking of the Seinfeld, you did Kramer. Cause you would run out and then you would do like a, then you would spin, you'd see the garbage, you'd be like, whoa, whoa. You took every moment, heightened, heightened, heightened.

Big laughs. So then he said to me, because I was banging my head against the wall, and I'm like, there's no bit. I'm just throwing something out. And he goes, listen, pretend there's a live studio audience. And he goes, can you hear him? Can you see him? We're doing it. And I was like, I got it.

They're all there. I did a take to be a brat, to just make Max laugh. A big part of that job was making each other laugh. Well, I mean, when it turned into that, it became the most fun. For me, hands down. It's what I when I look back, it's literally you and me. I think probably if if there's a version of us not like totally losing it, that maybe that show's still on the air. I don't want to be on it, man. But he goes, pretend there's an audience. I do a take where I think afterwards,

I'm gonna have a talk about my attitude problem. I'm like, it's so broad. I'm literally running like I have clown shoes on. Afterwards, Brett and Dave, Yeah, that's it man I had this like really clear moment of like now I'm lost Because I don't have a clear moment of I don't know but now I my head just got cut off I'm a chicken and the race just started. I'm leaning in Man, well before we let you go max

In terms of when we started New Girls season one at some point I said how many of these you think are gonna go and you said we're doing at least five years and we would have moments and then you'd be right. So you said before you're like New Girls gonna keep coming back. What do you think is gonna happen in terms of some idea of a reunion, some idea of a something? What do you think the end goal thing will be? What do you think it'll kind of look like that we'll all eventually do or nothing?

Because I have no gut instinct. I mean, it's really where it's up to Liz. Yeah. I have no idea. What would be your gut thing that you think would be? Because we're all still like, the amount of time I still text with Zoe, with you, with Lamar, with Hannah, it's still going in amount of time I still text with Zoe with you with Lamar with Hannah

It's like it's still going in ways other projects don't I've done movies where I really like everybody and then everyone just kind of scatters I think it's partly because of Netflix that we keep getting brought back That I'm like if you would have asked me two years ago will never be a union I would have said a hundred thousand knows is there any talk of anything or it'll just sort of... It'll keep getting like brought up randomly. Whenever you have to do press, they'll say something. And mine has always been, these are ridiculous questions because it's not gonna happen. And just recently with like a new generation of young people,

I'm like, eventually something is gonna happen. I... So the New Girl Writers Room would do this Secret Santa every year. Okay. And it was a big deal. JJ Filman is like, this is her Super Bowl every year. It's her favorite thing in the world. And Sarah Tapscott got real into it. And they'd do this thing and they'd buy these elaborate gifts or like these like wild, like somebody there was like a Billy Joel, like insanely elaborate, truly hilarious gifts.

And it was a big deal who got who when the end of his, anyway, so I had heard about it in that last season, that like smaller eighth season or seventh season, when we were shooting at that new studio. Yeah, yeah, in Creator. I go, and like the writers room new studio create on I go and Like the writers room was right upstairs I go I'm gonna go to this and

So I went up there and I watched and it was and everybody knew it was the last season And it was like and JJ and Sarah like decorating the whole room and it was it was and it would the vibe was Amazing and everybody's like who's so excited and JJ had Liz okay, And so I, and you know, JJ's a neighbor and I saw her doing, like making these things at the house, but I never put two and two together. She presents the gift to Liz and this is on the last season. And I'm going, Oh, I, oh yeah, I really remember this and JJ had made dolls of each character. They were about like this big and she had like and they were pretty good but they were also sort of funny because they were clearly homemade. Watching Liz open that and start to like get emotional and look at these like ridiculous dolls.

It made me realize that she is invested and always will be in this show and these characters in a way that I will never understand. Yeah, totally. As many as many times have I've showed up and played that character. What I'm, I'm there's, I can't even see how she sees it. Totally. So. It's whatever, yeah, you're exactly right.

So it really comes down to like, if they're gonna come, I mean, I'm sure, if she wanted to do something, whatever, yeah. She could do it tomorrow. The only way it would ever happen, and if it happened, she would come, there'd be a text around, and she'd go, I have an idea.

Yeah, and she was like, I finally feel like there's a version that makes sense to me that I wanna do. And I don't know that she ever gets there. Cause I remember watching that like Friends reunion and who was it? It was Lisa Kudrow had said, she was talking about the creators of the show.

And she was saying, you know, you work so hard to wrap everything up in the end. If you come back, you got to undo that. Totally right. And we ended in an odd way where it was this flash forward. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can't really, like, go back in time. So now we'd be going past then, and then you're introducing kids, and it's a whole thing.

It's a different thing. And like, who knows? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But again, like, if Liz. If she cracks it. If Liz, and if also like if Liz if she cracks it if Liz and if also if Liz cracked it and she was like and she was like I'm I really have a great idea and I want to do this that's I go back yeah interesting but it's anything other than that it's not it's not a real it's not a real conversation but it's also because

it is one of those last net big network shows not every show would have the audience or the opportunity to do something like that and that's why like if you have Netflix where people keep rediscovering it there's actually an appetite for something like that where there probably isn't with shows that are on air as much yeah and and and and what you hope you don't do is ruin it is ruin yeah oh yeah it really not worth doing it. By going back and. Well, the Seinfeld thing.

All right, so you got paid. So why? The way they did the Seinfeld reunion on Curb Your Enthusiasm was one of those kind of loophole reunion shows. Yeah. Where you kind of got to see it all, but it wasn't like that specific. But whatever any thing, but I agree with you about the Liz thing. I don't think there's any, besides it's fun to impress and always blaming it on

Lamorne and saying if you ever do press go you under a ring go we're all in but Lamorne want to the contract. Besides that fun. He's the one who blames it on you didn't he? He does. Oh. It's not funny now. Well I know we're he and I are just constantly going after each other these days. He did a whole thing about like and then Liz sent out a text and was like, Lamourne, what are you doing? Because he did something and he goes, Jake Johnson won't do it, he's too expensive. You're the best, Max. This was the best.

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