We're Here to Help - 81: You HAVE To Follow Up

Episode Date: May 23, 2024

Jake and Gareth talk to callers about a meet cute and a chef getting weird meal suggestions from his boss. Check out caller Val’s music HERE!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. And we are... Back! America's number one podcast. We're here to help. Don't look it up. Hey, everybody! Doing good.

68andBalmy. What a great episode. Ones and twos. We got a fun one. Gilly beans. Everything. We've got another one of my kind of personal favorites where that is the follow up is within the hour. And this, I think, was one where we were very ex.

We kept going like, you actually sent a screenshot of the email that she had sent an update. And I was like, what did she say? You go, no, I'm not reading it. We will find out. I checked the email. I knew it was her. And I was like, what did she say? And you go, no, I'm not reading it. We will find out. I checked the email. I knew it was her. And I was dying to hear. We really were invested.

It was a sweet girl. Very sweet. And then also very strange, as usual, a very strange little predicament that we're highly invested in. What was the second one again? I'm forgetting. Well, the second one was to do with. Well, go ahead, Kevin. You were going to say. The restaurant owner. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a fun one too. Yeah, we got a good one.

And then, Kevin, you, Hunk of the show, you said you had a little something. A little something I'm kind of nervous slash excited for, which is I've been working in podcasts for a while. I get invited to these little podcasts. Don't say you're quitting and starting a new line of work. This is your goofy way of announcing in Dunkin' Donuts. It could be, we'll see what happens. So I go to these happy hours that are always kind of like, some of them are fun, most of them are boring.

Not so happy. And it's always like a big fancy network that's hosting it and is like, oh yeah, we should do stuff like this all the time and then no one ever does it. So I'm hosting my own happy hour. You're hosting it. I called it no talent. So it's just the production people of like, it's just going to be like engineers and producers and stuff. Amazing.

And I deleted because I put too many times in the description, like let's talk shit. And I'm like, this seems like I'm trying to start a problem. So it's just like, shit. Yeah. It's just gonna be like a hangout thing. I'm going in disguise as an engineer and I'm gonna see what this asshole talks about

when we're not around. This is amazing, Kevin. So what initiated the idea of bringing a bunch of people together? What are you looking for? I have a bunch of people together? What are you looking for in this? I have a bunch of different pod groups that are all really great, but none of them are connected. And I was like, it would be fun just to have all of them in the same bar, basically.

So at the end of the month, 30 of them are going to all come to this happy hour thing that I'm going to host. And we're all just going to hang out and get to know each other and stuff. So it's going to be very low stakes, but. As a guy who didn't do speeches at his wedding to move it along. Yeah. I think you need to do a speech at this thing, Kevin.

Ooh. Ooh, yes. You can't throw something together like this and then everyone's there like, we're here, and then you're like, yeah, okay. So I'm just gonna be talking to these weird two guys in the corner. You have to. Tap on the glass. And you got 30 people who are a little socially awkward in their little groups and then people go like, that, okay, so. I'm just gonna be talking to these weird two guys in the corner. You have to. Tap on the glass. And you got 30 people

who are a little socially awkward in their little groups and then people go like, that was fun. I talked to like my two friends, met Kevin and left. There's gotta be a moment at minute 45, you say, hey everybody, thanks for coming. I did this to bring us all together, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I like it up. All right, Kevin.

And it's not 30 seconds. It's not enjoy the night. Yeah. You got to fucking talk. My kind of way, it will absolutely be that. But Kevin, are you asking me off and ask the caller? What are you going to do? Are you going to do it? Are you going to make a speech? Yeah, yeah, I'll do it. He's just, you know, hold a, give us a, a improvised, we're going to do a quick scene.

Gareth, you and me are two engineers. I was just, thank you, Jake. You're welcome, baby. I love you. Okay. All right. And we're at a bar. Yeah.

So I, a lot of the level, I mean, a lot of times I, in post, I just have to kind of bring the levels down. Same. My problem is there's so much popping. I get so many guys being like. Oh, the peas are. Excuse me everyone. I always call it a pie. Excuse me everyone.

Hold on, I think he wants to say something. Who is that? Hi everyone, hi, it's me, Kevin. I'm hosting this happy hour today. I just wanna say thank you all for being here. I know a bunch of really talented podcast people and just wanted us all to, I feel like I'm losing them. I know all these great people

and I wanted them all to be in the same spot together and have a good time and just want to say thank you for being here and enjoy a drink on me. Whoa! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Kevin, you brought it home at the end. Yeah, free alcohol. It kinda felt like I was bragging a little bit,

like I know all these great people. Yes. Yeah, that was great. And also, because what you're not trying to do is create a one big community that don't like, but you're just saying, this means something to me, you guys are my people, we should be like this. How about this? One drink on you is great.

We work on different shows and different projects, we are kind of all on the same team. Or, and you can do that as a way to make fun of the talent too. That's what I was thinking, yeah, that's a good idea. You could go. You seem a little hell bent on mocking the talent, Kevin, I'll be honest.

But there could be something fun of, even though we all work on other shows, we all have to sit around and listen to a bunch of fucking hotheads talk for two hours and think they're brilliant and then going this and we're all in this together guys. Enjoy a drink on me. That's good Okay, this is gonna be a hit and yes gareth and I will be there in tuxedos to be the real emcees. Yep Without question we will take we will have little prices, right microphones and we will talk the entire time And there will be prizes. And there's a bunch of crew members who will have to

listen to us talk. I would suggest anyone in the Los Angeles area go to every bar in Silver Lake for the next 30 days. Look for 30 guys who work behind the scenes in podcasts. Who look like they work behind the scenes. Everybody, thank you for listening to the show and we're out. Further. Further.

Further. Further. Further. Further. Further. Further. Hi. Hi, welcome to the show, we're here to help.

Can we get your name please? Sure, my name is Valerie, you can call me Val. Val? Thanks. How old are you, Val? Roughly, if you want to go right. I'm 28. 28, you're just a kid, and where are you from? I'm from Southern New Jersey. Southern New Jersey, you listen to the show a lot? I'm 28 28. You're just a kid and where you from I'm from Southern, New Jersey

Southern, New Jersey you listen to the show a lot. I do What do you like to be called a gilly bean a one and tour? What would you like? um Gilly gilly bean yeah, I could get a bit ambivalent. Okay. I mean I put her on the spot Yeah, okay, so Val 28 South Jersey floors yours all right So I traveled to Austin, Texas for the solar eclipse right there's this band I like they're called vampire weekend, and they played a show during the solar eclipse, and I met a guy Technically technically I met him in like a group chat beforehand

How did you meet him in a group chat? He was like you guys were all meeting up for the eclipse and he was in The group chat. Yeah, okay exactly. Yeah, so he was he was at the concert as well So I met up after the concert and then we found out that we were on the exact same flight home from Houston Okay, the crazy coincidence because we weren't anywhere near Houston. Okay, and so We you know, he was gonna take a bus. I was like, no, no, let's I have a rental car Okay, and where are you? Oh, you're from South Jersey. Yes And the guy and the guy is from DC in DC. And so there's probably how many people on this group chat? Maybe like 20 or 30 20 or 30 either college friends work friends, whatever. Yeah But it's just a group of friends friends They were just they were from reddit. Okay, so randoms

So you don't know any of these people and one of the people let's give him a name I'll give him a fake name. I'll call him Mike. Okay, so Mike writes I'm gonna go to vampire weekend You're saying me too in Austin see the solar out of the 20 or 30 Is everybody going to see this concert? Yeah, okay, so everybody's going so then in this group chat somehow It's established that you're gonna drive to Austin to see the solar eclipse No, I flew from New Jersey to Houston run to the car. Yeah, okay Yeah, so the airports in Houston you're gonna drive from Houston to Austin, which is about how long of a

drive? Three, three hours. Okay. Okay. So you have a three hour drive. Mike on this group chat says, I'm doing the same flight at the same time. I was going to take a bus to Austin. Or this is more in person after the concert and stuff. Yeah, I was in person. It was kind of just like we met and then happened to find out that we were taking the same flight home. Okay, great. So you guys meet at the concert, you kind of like each other. Is he handsome? Maybe. Yeah.

Give me a comp of who he looks like in terms of like an actor. Yeah. What does he look like? I mean, I sent in a picture. I don't know. Can I show it? Can I share it? Is that cool with you, Val? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. I want to see this We'll just give it so I just want to see what Mike looks like

and then Okay, look at you, too. Yeah, so you guys look like I gotta say a couple. Yeah, you do There's something there's something so you guys see each other you bond you both look fun You look like a get-on you say to him. I'm gonna Houston you want just jump in the car with me Yeah, okay. So yeah, so then we drive to Houston and it's super fun. We have a lot in common We go and hang out with his friend in his friend lives in Houston. We hang out with him fun Um, we stayed the night at his place. Oh you spend the night, you know But it was like it was put I slept on the couch

Okay, in this friend's bed. But listen, do you have another girlfriend with you or are you doing this solo? Solo. First of all as a 45 year old father of two daughters, be a little careful, Carol. Lily padding from Reddit to a random cart. Yes, now I'm glad it worked out. Yeah, we're staying in the future. We're staying in the sweetness, but you are talking to two old men who the bands we listen to. Yeah, just be a little bit careful, but continue your story. Okay. So yeah, so we, the next day we, we drive to our flight. We're running late. We're like running across the airport in our socks to our flight. And we, we we happen we happen to get

Seats right across from each other in the aisle. We're gonna try to sit next to each other But we were both sitting next to like parents and their child that we couldn't switch but we you know, we shared ginger ale and we tried to do like a Spotify jam session type thing where you are where you like listen to the same music. Yeah, we know Jake and I know the Spotify jam session. We do it with Vampire Weekend all the time. I know our podcast is wonderful on Spotify. Thank you for the interview.

We love you. So then what? You're sitting across from each other. Everything's good. Nobody's got shoes on. Yeah, and he gives me his sweatshirt. And he lets me keep it. Lovely. He likes you.

Yeah. And, but here's the thing. So, you know, we land, we, you know, say goodbye, and it's been just nothing. I mean, we've texted, but it's like every 24 hours he'll text me back and it's not very substantial and it's kind of just, you know, nothing really. It doesn't seem like the kind of text you'd send to someone that you're interested in. Interesting. Okay.

So I'm not, it's getting some mixed signals. Or he shy. Me? I don't know, he wasn't shy in person. So okay, so then what is the, now we have a great setup. What is the specific question we can help you with? I guess I just, I want want I'm kind of I feel like I'm imploding like I want to tell him how I feel because it feels like I don't know it feels like

a race against time. It does. I don't know I want to but I don't want to be we just met you know we we pretty much know each other about a week like a little over a week and I don't want to be weird about it and uh and I mean he's like he's a mechanical engineer. So like he probably gets like he could get any girl He wants probably I don't think that's a true statement What the hell I don't think that you didn't if you would have said he's like the lead singer of a picture He's a picture for the asterisk. Yeah. Okay. You know what? He's around a lot of these feels specific to you like this guy You know, he's a telemarketer. He's drowning in pants. What?

A mechanical engineer? That's a big, I gotta tell you, just in reality, that's a joke. I mean, they make money. They make money, but do they seem like these guys at the bar? Oh my God, relax ladies. There's a group of mechanical engineers over there.

Act normal. Act chill. Not reality for anybody except for Val. Excuse me, this is a velvet roped areas for mechanical engineers only. Yeah, no, not reality. So you're wondering what do you do now? How do we let Mike know? You know I got a pitch.

Oh, I got a pitch too. Go ahead. What do you got? But Val, is that, that's what we're doing? Yeah, I mean, yeah. Okay. Pretty much. Before, I's what we're doing? Yeah, I mean, yeah. Okay. Pretty much. Before, I know what Gareth wants to do.

So before we grab the reins and say- More mechanical engineer bits. Before we grab the reins and take over, you're in charge. We're here to help you. So I want you to say what you specifically have called in for help with, and then we'll try to help. Cause we'll run wild and just take over if we can yeah I mean, yeah, I guess pretty I mean pretty much

I want you know I want to tell him how I feel but I don't want it to just kind of blend in with any other person telling him How I there's no other people I told guys how I feel before but you got to cool it Then he is this absolute honk the women are jumping that mechanical engineers are playboys Who poisons your mind? This guy did. He did, on the three hour drive. He was like, boy, I don't know.

Gosh, there's probably a few of my exes on this flight. I don't know if I mentioned it. I'm a mechanical engineer. We just did a call where someone said they listened to the podcast with their cows. So I do think this is our demo. Shout out Grumps in Wisconsin Grandma Eileen Grandma Eileen happy 80th love you babe so Val let's get that out of your head

he's not drowning in layers okay he is not suffocating on women's underpants right now this is not a reality so you guys had a wonderful time together making robots he's probably fucking all the time. You know how it works Look at what I've done with this robotic arm that goes up Gosh, so get the stick the women are trying to break the door down. I've built a stick. Oh gosh What I don't even have to I move this remote and it hits them away So here's where we're at now. Would you like us to help you make a message and we could send him the message?

Sure. Because it's awkward if you just call, but if it's, we say his real name, which we beep out. And then we, you email him this clip and we will set it up and which we beep out, and then you email him this clip, and we will set it up, and then we will say, and there's somebody who's got something they wanna say to you, and then he hears what you have to say. Is that something you would want?

Because here's what's gonna happen on that. It's either gonna work great, or he's gonna have 10 babes sitting on his face right now and he's gonna go like, oh, she was gonna be the 11. Number 43, you're up. Yeah, I'm built the machine that creates the number 43. I've gotta build a bigger bed for all my wives.

So is that something you're interested in? You know what? Sure, why not? Okay. Now are you going to actually send him the thing that we send to you I? Will I will I will I'll pee my pants a little bit when I do it well Why don't we prep what you're going to say just also our demo? Why don't we prep what you're gonna say a little bit because I think that the question you want answered is pretty straightforward

But you're right. It kind of is daunting in the sense that it's like, you're gonna get an answer and one you're gonna really like and one you're not. I think what Val wants is, I had a wonderful time. I would like to pursue this if you would. Yep. I think it's basically like that. Is that correct? Or do we want to see each other again? Yeah, but I want to see you. Yeah, I know you're a mechanical engineer. You have been swimming in an ocean of models Your arms are tired, but do you like if fashion week were a man, but are you interested in seeing me? Yeah, so you're asking about well Yeah, are you ready to ask this man? What do you think?

Sure, yeah, do you want to ask this man out? What do you think? Um, sure. Yeah. Do you want to do this? Yep. Let me old man it for you for a sec. Let me old man it for a second here. You want to know what happens in life? You either win or you lose.

But nothing happens if you don't do anything. Here's the worst case scenario here. He writes back, you're weird. Pass. And you know what you do? It hurts. You laugh, you move on. The unknown, I always think in most things, but also in this sort of shit, the unknown is worse.

It's the worst. That's the one that sucks. You're basically going to say right now, these are my cards, you're either going to win or lose. Inner out. Inner out. And if he's in, fun, guess what? Still might not work.

Yep. You still might go on two more dates with him, you go, you know what? I'm so tired of the smell of women's bodies all over this hunk Yeah, I mean I want a regular guy like the quarterback of a football team Yeah, some guy is not some guy is not like constantly getting DM. Yeah, you know just give me a male model Herbert give me you know what I'd rather have than this guy give me a fireman with holding two kittens Yeah, because I can't keep doing this guy surrounded by metal and screw. I mean he's a mechanic So here's what we're gonna. Do we're gonna need and Kevin will you make sure you beep these out? Yep

What is your real name Val? It is now and what is his real name? Okay, so we are now going to start and then Kevin will you make sure she gets this little clip soon? Soon. Okay, are you ready Val? I'm ready. Hey, this is Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. And we're from a show called We're Here to Help. It's a podcast. And basically we try to help people solve their problems. Kind of what we do. You know it's for us. And we think it's fun for the audience. And it's especially fun for a young lady named Val.

Yep. Who you met recently. You had fun at Vampire Weekend. You drove from Austin to Houston together. Shared ginger ale on the flight. Had a sleepover. She slept on the couch. There was a hoodie exchange.

And she said she had a really wonderful time with you and thought you were just a really cool guy. Yeah. So, you know, we thought we would, you know, she wants to know what's going on. So she called into the show and said, since you've been home, the communication hasn't felt as strong as she had been hoping. Which is fine. We just are kind of curious what's going on.

So Val, do you want to find a point on this? Anything you want to say? Yes. All of that agreed. 100% all of that verbatim. Okay but is there anything you want to say Val? If you were to say a question. Do you want to go to a concert with me next month and we can go together and we could go and it could be a date. Yep. Possibly.

So follow up with Val, but that sounds pretty good to me and pretty clear. I like it. Do you want to go on a date with this lovely young lady? And we will figure out the logistics of this. You just want to know where you're at. Just want to know where you're at. So and you can follow up directly with Val and we appreciate you. All the best.

Hey Val, that's as good as it gets. What do you think? I got to say you started poorly. Yeah. But you finished strong. It's good. You started so bad I thought disaster when you said verbatim. I was like-

Yeah, I felt the disaster happen. I was like, oh, the disaster happen I was I was like oh this is gonna be a danger zone and we're gonna have to interrupt we didn't interrupt we've adjusted yeah we've got we've adjusted we've taken our notes we've taken our notes mostly we would have jumped in there we didn't and guess what you did kid you fucking landed the plane the landing Val and if he is out who cares yeah it doesn't matter and you know what if he if you send him this and he writes back

I'm not interested simply just write back. Sorry wrong Mike. Oh Yeah, that's exactly right. Yeah, he writes back and say not interested go who is this again? Yeah, that's true I'm gonna I'll do that now, please Follow up with us, please. Let us know this go. I will good or bad Yeah, I will remember if he's if he's not into it no big fucking deal he's the mechanical engineers they're out there don't worry about that and they're single yeah lose a lot of mechanical engineers oh we all know you guys are hunks and babes we get it and you know what we don't even need to air this if we don't like

this idea talk but what about for a follow-up if it is a pass which we're all hoping it isn't about obviously is a great guy What if we do a we're here to help Dating game with her and three eligible guys and we try to pair up Greatest thing I did I think so too. Okay, we could do that If this doesn't work out, we will show you there's a lot more fish in that mechanical I might be patron though, cuz I don't know that's main show We will show you there's a lot more fish in that mechanical that might be patron though Cuz I don't know that's main show could be but maybe it's a follow-up. We could just try it out and see I'm interested You know we can do it fast Kevin is into the idea obviously because a lot of produce

Lot of produce, but we could we could figure that out if you if you want we could figure out a version of that And if he says yes, we would love to have you both on. Yes, great, great. All right. That's that's like two best case scenarios. I think so, too. Val, you win no matter what. Maybe he wins. Yeah. And Kevin, if he if you don't win directly, Kevin loses.

Yeah. OK. Bye, Val. Bye. Thanks. Thank you so much. Bye. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Me Undies, Gareth. That's right, Jake. Listen, you know how weird it is. I mean, underwears or drawers are like the Wild West of wardrobes. There's no rhyme or reason. You know what I'm going to say about Me Undies? I'm going to keep this nice and simple, especially for dudes in underpants.

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it monitors your spending and it helps you lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. I think the whole idea of Rocket Money is that we have all these subscriptions, I know I do, that we forget about and then all of a sudden you charge $14 a month, $16, $9, and you don't even watch or use those things. So try Rocket Money. Well, you do the thing where you just are like, I'll do the week trial. Yeah, yeah. And then six months later, he's like, they got me. So Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of 500 million

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don't look it up. Enough people have started and it's not helping us. Can we get your name and your age and where you're calling from, please? My name is Eric, I'm 34, and I'm calling from the western suburbs of Chicago. Which one? I'm in Batavia.

I work in the Lyle Woodridge area. Okay. Beautiful. We're getting pretty far west,ridge area. Okay. Beautiful. We're getting pretty far west, my man. Yeah. Yeah. Are you talking to me or him? Eric, I'm just looking at you.

Don't talk to me. Yeah, okay, because I don't know what you're talking about. But, David, we're getting pretty far out there, west. You're still doing it. It's like- Oh, yeah, right on the fringe. You're right on the fringe. I mean, Gareth, what would you want me to do like this?

Or look at camera. Well, like you can- You're my guy. Yeah, I know, but it's like- Oh, because I'm- Yeah, it's me being like, oh, man, they got the my guy. Yeah, I know. But it's like, I got, oh, yeah. It's me being like, oh man, they got the best cheese there. They do.

No, it's not. Okay. Eric, what's the issue, my friend? All right. So I'm calling because I'm a chef. Uh, and my question is how do I get my boss to stop pitching me menu ideas from, uh, the Instagram account of his favorite restaurant? Great. Okay. Oh, what a clean restaurant. Great. Okay.

Ooh, what a clean question. Yes. So you're a chef. Uh, your boss watches too much Instagram. This is an issue I have. And then I get into all the health stuff and he's seen menu items that he's seen somebody else do and saying we should do that. Yes. And he's also very set in his ways.

Uh, whereas like an example of this is this past winter I wanted to run a grilled cheese and soup special. It makes sense because it's winter. He vetoed it because he doesn't like soup and then while we were getting ready to roll out the spring menus he saw on his favorite restaurant's Instagram that they had a grilled cheese and soup special and he suggested that next winter we should run a grilled cheese and soup special and he suggested that next winter we should run a grilled cheese and soup special and even made me the worst grilled cheese I've ever seen in my life. Okay so what other ideas has he seen on Instagram that he's trying to pitch you that you don't like? There's

this thing it's pretty popular right now called a Pinozzo. Some backstory work, pizza restaurant, like high end Neapolitan, Detroit style. But it's basically- Isn't it weird to say Detroit style in Chicago? You're okay with that? Yeah. All right. Okay. Keep going.

Sorry. Basically, you take a pizza dough, you fold it in half, you bake it, and then you make essentially a sub sandwich on it. Oh, Christ. Yum. So we ran that instead of grilled cheese, and it did terrible. It did bad numbers, okay. And well, just so you know, Jake could eat it

out of the garbage, because his reaction was that of what a dog would think of it. My reaction, I just realized I forgot to eat. Yeah. Wrong first call. No, well, you look good. I want something about like, you took a dump on your sheets, not a thing about Pinozzo.

I got a Pinozzo, yeah, Pinozzo. Am I wrong on that name? No, it's just a crazy name. So, okay, so he wanted a pinozzo Nobody likes a pinozzo you pitch good stuff like grilled cheese and soup. He says no he sees on Instagram. It's popular He then says let's do that. He then says let's do that. But not only does he do that He takes a Detroit dough, which is a Pekasha bread, cuts it in half, fills it full of American cheese, and pops it in the oven, and calls that the grilled cheese. Oh my God. So he's, unfortunately your audience is Jake,

who I don't know, it's not great, because everything you're saying he's into. What's bad about that, Eric? I'm Gareth. Oh, you did it again! That threw me off. Hold on, Eric, one second. Gareth oh you see you did it again that threw me off hold on Eric one second Gareth we always make do we yes okay it's just what you just did was weird we are always the way this show works talking okay you've been on the road too much I don't know I've been alone a lot

okay this is what happens okay okay so I can't look elsewhere okay I'm ready do it again do it again go it again so what's gross look elsewhere. Okay, I'm ready do it again. Do it again. Do it again So what's gross about the it's weird. I have to look what's gross about the food. You're talking about Eric I'll say his name scared The one that I made him at the beginning of winter Was Parmesan cross it and have like three different types of cheese and he just kind of threw this together I made a cheese Detroit pizza that he also had American cheese layer in the middle of respect

So you're just making better instead of the soup? Instead of the soup we could serve heated up marinara. Oh What that is out of Jake you'll admit that's's it. That's out of control. This instead of soup, hot marinara. OK, how often is he pitching you this stuff? Is this like is this coming at quite a clip? It's at least three times a month. OK, how many followers does this Instagram have? Well, he he doesn't have a popular one.

He's just following. Yeah, yeah, but that's what I mean. The ones where he's seeing these dishes how how popular is it? It's like a big one on his feet Yeah, yeah, the irony. He's the place in Bloomington normal, Illinois. Oh, there's one he's copy. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. He's obsessed with wow. I miss that. Okay Like makes pilgrimages down he does Okay, I got you. So he's got his his his idol. And that's weird that it's near you too.

It's not like it's just like a big Instagram. It's like a restaurant he can go to. It's kind of like he's, it feels a little like he's cheating on you. Yes. Or he. And then he comes home and he wants to try new positions that he like did with his mistress. Or he's got younger brother syndrome. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. And this other place in Bloomington is the real place. Yeah. Can we give a, you know, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of a, a little bit of comes home and he wants to try new positions that he like did with his mistress. Or he's got younger brothers.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. And this other place in Bloomington is the real place. Yeah. Can we give your boss a name just so we know him chef? Oh, let's call him bill. Bill. Yes, chef.

Okay. So nice, Jake. Thank you. So bill, just so we're caught up and then I'm going to have you actually give us the question as Succinct as you can how about that for a word that I landed. Yeah, so Shaky start but really yeah for those who listen Jake winked didn't know if the tea made a sound. It's good It was good. Thanks. So Eric you're a chef and

The Western suburbs you got a boss named Bill He's got a restaurant in Bloomington, Indiana Which is probably about two hours away from you. Maybe a buck and a half He is obsessed with the place He watches their Instagram and then he tells you to make things like from that place and every once in a while He throws together a shittier version of what you're doing and says do this. Is that the backstory? That is the back story. So then what is the specific question we can help you with today, Chef?

I guess the question is how can I get him to either stop pitching these ideas or should I just, for lack of a better term, shut up and take his money? Good question. Well, I think shut up and take his money is your last resort. If you can't be helped by us and it, and there's, yeah, let's, we'll go there last, last resort, but I think we can help you. I do too. You want to start?

Nice. What? I got stuff. Go first. Okay. Well, the reason why I ask how many followers they have, and I would guess they don't have a tremendous amount of followers, is because. They have 31.2K, I just looked at it.

Pretty good. Pretty solid for a restaurant. It's just the one location? Two locations in the same town. Pretty good, wow. I mean, that's shocking. That's very good. If they had 32,000 people go every day and order a slice of pizza, that is a wealthy. That's very good if they had turned 32,000 people. Yeah go every day and order a slice of pizza

Yeah, that is a well, that's very good. Yeah, so okay. Do you okay? So this is why he's jealous do you yeah for sure how many way how many followers does your restaurant have? Yes, I was gonna say does it have an Instagram? Yeah, I get I get the younger brother thing here. Do you okay? This is my first pitch I'm falling less in love with. But I was thinking if you could get them to post something that you have created, like they homage a recipe of yours.

And then you get to go to Bill and go, hey, Bill, just so you know, it's a two way street. Like I think like, do you feel like he likes what you do? Do you feel overall Bill enjoys your cooking, or do you feel like this is kind of a systemic issue to some extent? I think he likes what I do, but he's also a former finance guy who retired in his 40s and bought a restaurant. Right.

So I got something, and I don't know if it's right, but so there's a trick in editing, which I think I've brought up here. If you're editing something and you have executive or bosses, you have the hairy arm. So there might be an answer in the hairy arm, Eric, but we might need your help in figuring out how to do it in terms of food.

The hairy arm thing is in your, there was a guy who was editing some like survivor type show and his boss came in and hated the promo he had cut and was abusive and mean and told all the editors you guys are fucking dog shit so they had to spend another eight hours recut in this promo and they whatever they recut it they didn't they didn't do any of the work yeah but all they did was they left in a shot, they did like very minimal stuff and left in one shot accidentally of a guy's hairy arm in it. So it was like a weird shot of like some hairy guy on the show, his arm, and it was a total mistake.

So the boss comes in, looks, sees the footage, sees the hairy arm and goes, this is the worst promo I've ever seen. And rather than say that was a mistake, they just took the abuse. Then he goes, you're not, no one's leaving until this is done. That was the worst thing I've seen after that. They made no changes besides they took out the hairy arm. Five hours later, the guy comes, looks at it and goes, now that's a promo. So maybe there's something in you cook a recipe that he sees. You put an ingredient in it that's terrible. So it looks a certain way, but it doesn't taste right.

So that you get him to pitch what you want. That's pretty good. Right. Somewhere in there. I like that. I like the I also like maybe the opposite of that, which is that you take an element that he liked from the other one and put it in something that doesn't work and make him like to. I. OK, I have a pitch that takes that to the crazy. I got

one to realm. OK, you want to go for it? OK, you're gonna like mine. I think okay, so mine is shady and involves a second participant So what you need to do is you you push back a little okay? So he comes in and he says Whatever he goes the what is it the Pizzone? Oh walk me through it Eric you be you Know you be the boss okay G. Gareth, you be Eric. All right. Well, okay. Does that make sense? Sure.

And there's going to be a, we're going to have an intermission and then we're going to come back. Okay. Okay. So go ahead, Eric. You know, I had this really good idea of we could do this Kinozo, you know, you'd stretch it out and you would chop romaine and all the cold cuts that we already have, still full of pepperoni

and shredded mozzarella. We can charge 17, 18 bucks and it's a real unique item that people will look for. Yeah. My concern is we're putting lettuce in a pizza and I feel like our clientele doesn't like to spend near $20. I feel like overall the mean average for what people want to spend here is nine to ten to eleven dollars What do you think of that bill? It could be really unique. We cut down the price to have it be our loss leader Good I don't want bill to stop. Okay, that's good. So then I go. All right. Okay, you're right then okay, I make the Pozzono and

With everything he's talking about and I have a fake customer come in and order the Pizzono. And the customer comes in, orders the Pizzono. They're a little like, ah, it's weird. And they eat it and the first step is they complain. They don't like it. The second is not only do they complain, they get sick from it. So you call, they call back and they go Hey, the Pizzona was like it part like in a way where the possibility. Yes, this is disgusting My wife and I came in last night. It was our anniversary you you told me to get a no No, I wanted to get an Oso But you could also I'm loving where Garf is going because you have if you can get a friend to come in and go

I love your restaurant. Yeah, this is so off-brand and so I thought what the hell I had diarrhea for 16 hours I'll never come here again. I'll tell all my friends never to come in. What the fuck is a pinozo? Yep I think that's what you do that way he because it sounds like the fickle nature of this guy is see it replicate it and What you can if someone complains that it's like off brand, gave him diarrhea, it's not good. And he's telling people to say, Oh, you know what we could also do with this? And my interrupting. No, go. So Eric, you know what else you could do? You could create fake profiles and write fake reviews about anything.

Eric pitches you. I mean, anything Bill pitches you just write it and go like, what happened to this restaurant? Lately the menus are becoming utter dog shit. Cheddar, cheese, and a bunch of bread. If I wanted to spend 11 bucks on that, then they'll go, I pass. I could make this at home. Yes. And then you go, and then talk about the items you like and go, hey remember items like this? Yeah, your signature dishes. That's one. That's interesting. That made me kind of the items you like and go, Hey, remember items like this? Yeah. Your signature dishes. That's one. Interesting. That made me kind of think of another one.

Before you go and don't forget it. Yeah. What's your first thought of that, Eric? I like that. I think Gareth might make more work for me if I'm writing faith reviews saying that people are getting sick. Okay. Well, you just, I mean, I would just look, I think just start with the person coming in.

See how he takes that. I feel like a guy like that who doesn't know what he's doing. Who is there? It'll scare him. It'll make him be like, you know what? Stick to what we're doing. It's working. What's the second idea? OK, so the second idea, we've had this on our podcast where and I'm not gonna push anything,

and everyone's allowed to do what they want, but where people have come on this podcast and we've noticed that our podcast influenced them. And then I've seen them post on their Instagram clips of their show where I'm like, it's very similar to this podcast. And the commenting on there probably had a little effect. So what I would suggest is when you are basically ripping off a dish that this

place is doing, I would post it on your Instagram and you reach out to that Instagram and you go, Hey, I'm the chef from this restaurant. We're ripping off your Pinozzo. When I post about it, will you comment and say that looks exactly like the dish we created, you know, very shrewd. But I'm gonna tell you what Mr. Wonderful would say on Shark Tank.

There's no IP on this. You know what Bill might say? Good, people are talking. Bad attention's good attention. So I've got a pitch. Eric, one word on this one, and then some explanation because the word's not gonna make sense.

So it feels like it's more than one. It is. I felt confident once I looked down at the word. Yeah, it's actually eight words. It's probably gonna be three sentences. It's a regular pitch. Then we're gonna go back to Garret's fake customer because I don't have a good second half.

I'm gonna need some help. All right. Ready, Eric? Sure. Mentalist. Can I just say for a one word pitch, it's a great one word. You know what I'm going with this? No. I think I know where it's going. Okay, Eric, you, so a mentalist, we got two minutes, we got to do this one fast, but you know those guys, mentalists who go to like football teams and they go like, pick a number.

I know the number. You want to know why that happens because they're planting the seed earlier so there's a world where you become a mentalist and you're getting in Bill's head through messaging so he's itching you what you want the menu to be then you defer to him and go, you're the boss. I mean, that's, how do you propose this is where you're? So here's how I propose it. Okay. You start looking at the site he's looking at. Uh-huh.

So let's say they come out with some sandwich. Yeah. Well, you know Bill's gonna pitch you on that sandwich. So before he does, you've already made changes to it in your head. So let's say you wanted mozzarella cheese rather than American cheese. Well before you talk to him, you text him, low on mozzarella or something with the word mozzarella three times. Yeah.

Then let's say they had oregano. You don't want oregano in it. You want basil Then you do something that says the word basil three times So when he comes in he goes, you know, I saw this sandwich I go me too But I think we should make some changes What do you think should go in it for cheese if we don't do cheddar and he goes mozzarella and you go? I think that's a good idea and then you go but we're not gonna do a rag in oh, right That do you think and he goes? I don't know. I'm thinking basil and you go huh I'll do it you're the boss

That that's pretty good as a general tactic too if you want pitch him in the direction I you know everyone's doing mozzarella. We're doing what do you think? Yeah? That's a good idea. You know what we should do. That's great. Yes. We'll take it. We'll do mozzarella That's a great idea bill. What do you think of that Eric of the idea of planting seeds and then getting him to go where you want him to go? I think that's a winner We kind of are the management team including myself kind of already do that For anything to get done. It needs to be his idea. Yes, so I'm gonna heighten this a little bit I'm gonna call this mess mess, this approach, the Mr.

Todd. And I'll tell you why really fast at my kids preschool, there was this like little genius guy named Mr. Todd and Mr. Todd was like a baby expert. And one of the things he would tell you to do is if you're in like a standoff of a, of a toddler's

throwing a fit, you don't double down. You at the smallest victory they have, you over-complement it. So if you go like, I'd like you to put that book down and they're going like, no, and holding it. If their arm goes like this, just because tired, you go, I really thank you for doing that. Thank you for moving. That took a lot from you. That's very mature. Thank you for doing that. I appreciate it. Thank you. Thank them prior to the action. And give a tiny win and guide them where you want. You go, for doing that. I appreciate it. Thank you. Thank them prior to the action. And give a tiny win and guide them where you want.

You go for doing that. I say, let's take away that consequence. I said, you've already done it. Come here. Let's have a hug. You did it. Thank you so much for doing that. And all they did was their arm got tied.

So what you could do when he starts pitching you, you could Mr. Totten slash mentalist, wherever he goes, you know, Eric, I saw this thing on the set. You guys thinking the same thing, but obviously we take away the cheddar, we go mozzarella, no oregano, we go basil, and then you go, I think you're a fucking genius. And then go to another of your coworkers and go,

did you hear what Billy just came up with? We're doing the sandwich, but we're using mozzarella, and what did you say, you wanted basil in there? Which I think is insane, but that's the reason you're the guy. I like that too. What do you think? You wanted basil in there? Which I think is insane, but that's the reason you're the guy. I like that too. What do you think? I like that too. I have two more, and then just very quickly.

We gotta wrap up soon. Okay, the first one is someone from the restaurant, since it sounds like everyone there is like a little pissed off. Just have someone reach out to this Bloomington restaurant and have them block Bill. Just, it'll confuse the shit out of him. Just have them block Bill.

He won't be able to go there anymore. And then when he asks why you guys can be like, well, we were ripping off their recipes. Maybe someone figured it out. The other one is the next time that someone in your restaurant, in your kitchen is like moving on, they're going to get another job, whatever it is. You ask them to not just resign quietly, but to quit over the fact that there's too much creative control coming from an owner who doesn't have any culinary expertise.

Okay, so Eric, here's where we're at. Got the mentalist. You've got the fake customer kind of coming in and doing a little cosplay. You've got a post it and tag the other site. You've got the Mr. Todd, which is just manipulating him where you want. You contact the place in Bloomington and you try to block. You get bill blocked or you create a coup.

Whoever's gonna leave for leaving, you give them a hundred bucks and you say, will you pretend the reason that you're leaving, even though you're moving, is because the fucking owner is ruining this restaurant. Ruining the kitchen. Eric, what are you gonna leaving, even though you're moving, is because the fucking owner is ruining this restaurant. Ruining the kitchen. Eric, what are you gonna do, Chef? I think the mentalist, Mr. Todd,

but I'm probably going to pursue getting him blocked from the other restaurants. Great, so you're doing a three-hander. Great. If you get him blocked, can you send us the screenshot of them doing that? And we will block out the names of the place and block out his, but just the idea that he got blocked.

Yes. It's really fun. Maybe the message and, and, and we will block out all pertaining bill details, but blocking him will really send his wires in a real flood. It's really a funny idea. And maybe we can help you with that. We actually could. Do you want us to reach out to the restaurant and ask them to block this guy?

I mean, maybe. I think his Instagram is actually just the restaurant's Instagram. Great. So we have to block my restaurant. That's easy. But that's good. You're talking about restaurant to restaurant. Yeah.

So you let us know if you want us to handle that because we could send a message. Let's get you guys blocked. Yeah. Because if he doesn't know who he's copying. You're worried that the restaurant will tell him that it's very obvious what he does. I'm worried that he could trace it back. I don't think you would ever listen to this podcast. Okay.

Well, you don't need to, we don't need to hear that. Well, he's got bad taste. He's got bad taste. Terrible taste. Here's what we're gonna do in closing if you can get him blocked Please send it to him. If you want our help we will contact yes in a follow-up. Yes the other restaurant We could also have our social media person Caitlin very right out to them yep, but you take the lead and you let us know and no matter what we would love a follow-up on this because we need the artist making the art.

We don't need the business person telling Picasso to get out of the blue phase. By the way, yes, Picasso is when you put tuna salad in a calzone. Yeah, something like that. Okay, thanks Eric. Thank you buddy. Strong ending. Thanks Eric. Thank you.

See you. Hi. Hi. Welcome back to America's number one podcast. We know you're a follow-up, but we don't know what the follow-up is. So maybe you can just kind of bring us up to speed. What was the call? And then we'll get an update. Yes. So this is Val. I'm the one that met the guy at the vampire we yeah Die for this one. This is a great one. Where so yeah, I mean, why don't you go ahead? Yeah, well follow up on this one is you guys met you went to a concert together you drove to the airport together You really bonded since you got home. He kind of Stonewalled yes, so the G man and I sent a little video

Essentially asking him out for you. Is this all correct? Yes. Yes about what the hell happened the day of the video. I We hadn't talked for the whole day before so I knew I had to kind of like start the conversation up So I sent him a text that said brand friend Danowitz, which you know, it's a parks and rec reference. It has his name Oh, by the way, he let me he gave me permission to use his name, the name friend and you guys do that. But yeah. So I sent that message and he had said, you know, confession, I've never actually watched Parks and Rec.

So then I said, oh, that's fine. But have you ever watched New Girl? So then he said, oh, yes, love some new girl. I'm like, OK, I've planted the seed, like this, you know, it's time. So then I FaceTime him and we've never FaceTimed before, so he didn't answer. So I texted him, I said, I like FaceTime me, urgent. So then he FaceTimes me and I said, okay,

don't make fun of me, I'm gonna send you something, but you can't make fun of me and you have to call me back right afterwards. He says, okay, I hang up. I send it to him. And I send it and then 10 minutes goes by, I hear nothing. I'm like, oh my God. So I text him, I said, did you watch it? And then so he says, oh my God, yes, I did. This is incredible. But then nothing. I'm like, oh my God, film driving. I'm Yes, I did. This is incredible. Hmm, but then nothing. So like, oh my god, so I'm driving I'm like, I can't like you guys You know what you're describing Val what it feels like to be an auditioning actor for the first like

five years of all of our careers where you're like I kind of gave it my all and the agent goes like we followed up and and enjoy your day Jake they said They said they remembered you. Yeah. Yeah. All right, Val. So God, it's brutal, though. He said, incredible. Yeah, I saw it. Incredible. And you're like, great. And then he's like, nothing.

Yeah. So then I I just I don't call him. Yeah. So I call him. I will say what I like about you, Val, is you're aggressive. You grab the bull by the horns. It's good. I also say what I like about you, Val, is you're aggressive. You grab the bull by the horns. It's good. I also worry about this level of pressure. I think she's she's she's pressing. She's pressing.

She wants an answer, which I get. But I think the only way to make a diamond. Yeah, exactly. I don't know. They send kids into mines too. Okay, go ahead. So so then, you know, he answers the phone and he said and I kind of explained, you know, the podcast everything what it was and he said that was really cool. That was awesome.

But then he says, but I have to be honest. And that's what I knew. That's why I knew it was never good. It wasn't a good sign. Yeah, so hate when people have to be honest. Yeah lied. Yeah, I know. We're worst thing ever. Um, so yeah, it turned out that he had started seeing someone, uh, but failed to tell me before the trip, before the trip, like failed to tell me that though, did not tell me that. Um, didn't act like it on the trip.

Yeah. Oh no, he didn't. Yeah. He was single on the trip. Yeah. So, um, but you know, and I'm like i'm understanding he was cool about it. Um And you know, I asked him like is this like the most insane way you've ever been Asked out before and he said yeah, definitely. I don't know. He he said, you know He'd still be willing to keep in touch and everything. But yeah, basically the the answer was no

Well, I think it's yeah, look obviously not the answer you want, but I think I've said this before, like when I was single and I would like, like when I was like in my twenties, I mean, I would ask women for their phone numbers, like pretty easily and I would get shut down all the fucking time. But it would result in times where I wouldn't get shut down. And so I think that it shows it's really great that you tried, that you really put yourself out there. And you know, it's also maybe kind of cool

that he's not cool, but it's better that it's because of someone else versus he's just not feeling it. Yep, but also I think your first half is more right. Even apart from his response, you went for value one. Yeah. You, you didn't sit in a corner and go like, well, I don't know. I don't know.

You call the fucking podcast. We made a weird video and he said no, but guess what? You got up to the plate and you swung your hardest. You're not always going to hit a home run. You know, it's going to happen. Val, the next guy you like we're sending a video to. I was just going to say, we are, we pride ourselves on being the uncles. We're your uncles.

So the next time you need a video or the next time there's a romantic prediction, I will do it off air. We, I'll come there. I'm moving to Austin, it turns out. Um, but we will, we'll, we'll do whatever you want. If there's another bridge that you're a little hesitant to cross, let us help. We will, we'll do it.

And one last kind of advice on this. Just view this as the beginning of a path you're on. You did meet something in him that you liked. And so there's gonna be a journey you're on that's gonna be right. It's just not right now and not with him. Yep, right person, right time.

By the way, he owes you a hoodie if memory serves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also, now that you know you don't want him, he was dating somebody else. Go ahead, Val. Yeah, no, I mean, honestly too, I'm a swan writer, so one positive is that it fuels my art. And I told him that, I'm, you know, I'm a songwriter. So like this, it does like one positive is that it fuels my art. So, and I told him that I said, I said, I said, listen, I mean, uh, I've been writing a lot of songs lately.

So if you hear some familiar things on Spotify, does one of them sound a little bit like this? Jake and Gary helped me with my situation. They're the two uncles I didn't know I wanted this because I'm a genie in a bottle. That's verbatim. Yeah, that's so much a throw in the ocean. We appreciate the call. Follow up when there's an ex guy.

And if you write a song quickly about this situation. Yes. Kevin, how soon are we posting this one? A couple of weeks. this one a couple weeks? We got a couple weeks if you can go fast and send something we'll post the song. Yep All right, if not, no pressure Val. You're the best. Thanks for calling good work Val. Yeah. Thank you guys Blue bunny throats I look like lakes, relax We're never gonna die this way Each music skip, my music Play, never bother you

Drive east, flood north Like we're made to run All the people on the plane Think we're in love Never bothered you, love But it bothers you now My god, I'm never gonna figure you out Can't feel your wild and pure

Michigan hot, southern, hypocrite A weather known with darkness gone from all of it Eclipse, eclipse Lives in every place we've been Smellin' weird colors, never seen it before We're a captive country born to live and die in fear Oh Houston, we've got problems here Does it ever bother you? Wait until my sleekage broke Eagle runs on diacocca Rest of my meaning starts to cope

It bothers me too Oh God, I'm never, never, never gonna get you Can't free wild care, Michigan, hot, southern Hypocrit, away and on, the darkness gone from all of it I'm not gonna let you go again Because, because Lives in every place you've been At the airport running, running late to

Late, 8 a.m 88 to 980 I'll never keep my cool But I'm keeping you so safe You heard me on the radio My public heart, you still said no But I'll always be your only memory of Christmas We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakeo and our video editor is John De Bruyne.

The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at oliverraleigh.com. That's oliverralli.com. The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to garethrentz.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland.

You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulPod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.