We're Here to Help - 86: Seeing Past The Piggies

Episode Date: June 10, 2024

Jake and Gareth talk to callers about a co-worker's lack of shoes and an engagement photo mishap.Later, the guys follow up with the second caller from episode 79 "Mamas’ Boys with Eve" and the second caller from episode 80 "Identical in Every Way with Max Greenfield." Images from video ep coming soon!Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] (Early Access, Bonus Calls and Q&As): Patreon.com/HereToHelpPodVIDEO: Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. We are back on a Monday for another show inching towards 100. That's right. And Jake, listen, Mondays are tough for everyone. So we're here to help you get through the toughest day of the week. That's what Garfield says. That's what Garfield says. It's interesting actually. That's a good segue into something I wanted to mention, which is I have rats in my place.

Oh no. And one would think your cat would maybe be an ally, but no. I have them in a crawl space. Underneath the house? No, in the above crawl space, small attic thing. The way I sort of learned about it was I just heard claw. It was actually someone who was staying at my place looking after my cat. And she was like, yeah, I think you have like rats or raccoons or something. And I'm like, what? And sure enough, I started to hear it like you just at night

would just hear like clawing. And so I talked to my my girlfriend's uncle is I talked to hear it. Like you just at night would just hear like clang. And so I talked to my girlfriend's uncle is, I talked to my cat. My girlfriend's uncle is like a exterminator guy and they were giving me advice, but I'm like, I don't wanna set traps. So I called the guy and he came out and he- You didn't wanna set traps?

I didn't wanna go into the crawl space where there were rats and- Oh, you didn't wanna physically- Yeah, yeah. I thought you meant like as like a humane thing. Yeah. Well, I did start. I did start asking for humane options.

I wouldn't do the poison. No, because poison then some other animals going to eat it. Then before you know, you know, like a poor coyote. The point there's totally. Yes. Did not want to do that. So went with trap traps and the guy starts. Yep. And he starts with peanut butter.

And I was like, that's it. I felt like every step of the way, I was like, I feel like I could do this. But didn't work. He's like, the peanut butter is not working. They love it. And then he goes, by the way. So then he goes, all right, we're going to have to step it up. And I'm like, OK. And he goes, Snickers. And I'm like, what? And he goes, Snickers. And I'm like, what?

And I go, little snicker addicts. Yeah. So I'm like, OK. You know, like I'm like waiting for like the thing where I'm like, you're a professional. And I think we caught one one. Yeah. But there was like more. And then so I'm like pressing him. I'm like, dude, they're still there.

Like I'm in town for a very small window. Like I need help. And he goes, all right, we're going to have to go like nuclear on these fools. Thousand grand bars. Slim Jim. He said, Jim, this guy's a goofball. So, Garrett, this is when I knew you were in trouble. You said exterminator guy. Yeah. The term is just exterminator.

Just get a professional. Exterminate. I Yeah, the term is just a exterminator. Just get a professional Professional I got like a stone college student who is just thinking rats are what going through a vending machine. Yeah Yeah, he's just all right. Let's go for it Let's do a white powder doughnuts cuz I know that would get me in a cage Yeah, I bet you he's just using the budget and he's just like it's a Ryan. He's eating this He had this is what he has at home. Yes. He's like, you know what we should do?

Chinese food leftovers, Chinese food from three nights ago. What's that? My wife says I can't eat anymore. I think it's some weird noodle thing. I don't know, but it was an orange chicken deal, but it wasn't great. So they love that. Have you gotten the rats out? Uh, in the process, there's been a couple more.

So we've gotten a couple more. I had a neighbor who had this problem in the crawl space. Do you have an, is your place old? Uh, kind of old. Yeah. Cause here's the problem. This, the guy who, my buddy had a house that was a hundred years old. So rats are very intelligent, like crazy smart. Yeah. These fools have been in that crawl space for generations.

This this has been passed on from my grandparent to grandpa. So they're like a fucking Slim Jim. I'm leaving you the attic. Yeah. Well, they know every entrance. What you're going to have to do is you have to get rid of all of them. Then you've got to seal your house., they're just getting fatter. They're just becoming more stronger because we're feeding them slim gyms and Snickers Yes, but you're going to have to the if you're gonna fix this and don't the amount of seal that you're gonna have to do

You're gonna have it's basically like a little mesh netting that you have to put look around the outside of your house If you see a no crack there in that's that ended up being like part of the plan Is that they're they're coming in and out through those holes? But don't you can't have an exterminator guy. He's a guy you need an exterminator because this is this guy Guy yeah, no shit. That's why every time he came back first of all I was like buddy Why don't we just start with all of these things like you're keep asking like all right well now that it's crazy We got to do slip start with slim Jim's. Did you pay him or yeah?

No, this man has been paid well for what he's doing. Well on let's hear a number I don't why you refer to him as a guy. He who cares? What's like $700 for the whole thing. Yeah. Get a real exterminator. It's going to cost you. It's going to cost you more. It's going to. No, you got ripped off. You got ripped off. I know. I know, dude. We should put subway sandwiches in there. But here's the trick. I'm going to eat four fifths of it. Well, the weird part is a sandwich. I took a peek up there the other day and one of the guys he'd hired was living in there, but here's the trick. I'm gonna eat four fifths of it. Can I get eight bucks for a sandwich? I took a peek up there the other day and one of the guys he'd hired was living in there

just eating. I was like, Trent's in the ad. I got Trent's. I should have got it Mike's way, that's on me. Gareth, you're gonna be on the road, where are you going? Jake, you can go to garethrents.com to see me in Chattanooga, Tennessee, June 18th, June 19th, Nashville, June 20th, Huntsville, June 21st, Atlanta, June 22nd, Atlanta, June 26th,

Pottstown, Pennsylvania, June 27th, East Providence, Rhode Island, June 28th, Boston, Massachusetts, June 29th, Springfield, Massachusetts, June 30th, Rochester, and then 5th and 6th, I'll be in Toronto, Canada, garethrendles.com. And Kevin, how's the weight loss going? So I told my personal trainer about it and now he's really invested. So when I'm doing like 15 reps on like 12, he goes, let's win that bet. Yes. Can we have the trainer come into an intro?

I'll ask him. Yeah. Eli, he's really cool. Yes. That sounds fun. Without further ado, everybody, enjoy the show. Hey, everyone, producer Kevin here. Just jumping in really quick before we get into this episode,

we look at a few pictures throughout the recording. So I'm putting links in the episode description for when those parts get discussed You can just tap on the link and it will take you right to that spot in the video version So you can see what we're discussing. That's it. Enjoy Hi, hi there Welcome to we're here to help Can we get your name age and where you're calling from please? Yeah, absolutely

My name is Beverly. I'm calling from Fayetteville, Arkansas. And I'm 29 years old. Wow, that took a turn. It's a new girl thing. You know this as a cast member. Oh, right. When we do 29.

Yeah. No, when Max does it. It's OK. We can do it together. When we did it, though. No, no, hold on. Oh, god. No, when Max did. It's okay, we can do it together. When we did it though. No, no, hold on. Oh, God, listen, we're not gonna go down that route. All right, three, two, Beverly, what is going on?

What can we help you with? Yeah, absolutely. So I just got a new job. Congrats. Who started last week. With this new office job, I have a little bit of a hurdle that I wasn't expecting and is pretty horrific. And I really need y'all's help with it. Let's go. My cubicle mate, every day after lunch,

takes a walk for lunch. She takes a walk outside and then she comes back and she removes her shoes and her socks and she airs out her toes in our shared cubicle space. I'm going to share that. I'm going to share the picture that you sent. Oh, OK. Got to go. Oh, fuck me. Oh, Beverly.

I believe in no free toes, but this felt like essential footage to share with you guys. Yeah, I agree. So, hmm. Oh, and it is is the smell part of this? The smell is definitely, I mean, again, I'm in where I live in Arkansas. It is humid here and she's taking lunch time walks. There really is an odor. There's an odor and if you can notice, like, I was trying to be as fly as possible, but like they're not they're not staying underneath her desk Right, and you pull up the pick one more time. Yeah, you guys know what else is freaking out at the office

No, everyone plays it cool in one of the pictures. You can feel like someone standing in the background Like right is the carpet? Yeah Okay, so walk us through so my guess is the is what do you how the hell do you handle this? Right. Yeah. Are you a mind reader? Have you done this before? Yeah. So only about 100 episodes. Yeah. I've listened to everyone. Let's find out.

Well, we thank you. We appreciate you. We appreciate you, Beverly. You're one of the good ones. Are we talking directly to her? Are we going over like, hey, like, what do we value in a cubicle here? Like what do we like this is our shared space. I've talked to my chiropractor about it. I talked to a lot of my friends that there's a lot of people in who are like following along who are very invested.

I was like, I've talked to my chiropractor. She's baffled. Exactly. Exactly. Anyways, um, so I guess my question is like, who do I go to? And then after that, like, what do I say? Like, what are my next steps? This is too much. So we're going to be able to help here for sure. Right. Oh yeah. Yeah. We got, I already got some weird ones. Yeah, we can get you. But save those first. Oh yeah. Cause we're going to get I already got some weird ones. We can get you, but save those for a second because we're going to get there. Let's just get a little bit of backstory, Beverly. She's not your boss, is she?

No, no, no, no. But she is, she has more seniority than like half of the people in the office. But that doesn't, she's not the boss though, but she's been around. Tough. So in her eyes, you're in her house. Right. Yeah, so is it like a hazing? Nope.

It's just, it's like for her point of view, she's been there long enough that you're working in her living room. Yes. Okay. And she's so comfortable there that she's like, who cares? You know, nobody's ever cared. Now, um, question about, let's give her a name. How about a fake one so we don't offend her of course call her diamond So what's diamond's personality like? Um, she doesn't really have an inside voice But always has something interesting to say his tracks

Yeah, and she um, I don't know. We're still getting to know each other It's honestly like it's hard for me to see past the loose piggies. You know what I mean? So maybe that's it. Like maybe I need to like get to know like her more. I just feel like this feels like a really big roadblock. Yeah, it's tough. I'm truly like hiking.

I feel like hiking. She's been time outside. We talked about that. I don't know. Gross. I wish she did. Yeah, it's tough. I'm truly like hiking since I'm outside. We talked about that. I don't know. Gross. I wish she did. Yeah, it would be great. It's just gross. When I fly, like if I'm on a long flight, I will go shoes off, but I will hide them.

But when I see people go shoes and socks off, that to me is like, what is going on? That is, that's just a bridge too far. It's really bad. Yeah, my skin is crawling. Yeah. But first of all, I think because you like you're saying you kind of want to preserve the job, you don't want to rock the boat. I don't think you want to confront this head on. I don't think you want to go above her and complain. I think we've got to either die hard, shoot the glass, or we've got to just come up with ways that would dissuade her from taking her shoes off. Gareth, you want to start pitching some stuff

of how to get her out of this as we're trying to figure this one out? Okay, so here's the first one that I would say is just a way to dissuade her a little head on, and that would be to say that you're seeing spiders. That you've seen a few spiders. That you think you got bitten by a spider at work. You could whatever you could.

What about releasing a rat? Yes, but I think like what's good about a spider is that she can't, first of all, if it got connected to Beverly, she wouldn't get in trouble. But here's what I'm afraid of with that. If it's right, there's cameras in the building. So like, yeah, okay, we're not going to release a rat. You can't rat it to it. You'll be the weirdest.

But so here's the way that we need something more than a spider. And here's why. Because she could she could not connect that to her feet and be like, oh, disgusting. Okay, Lucy, you want to hear the other specials? Yes. I think what you could do is if you wanted to try to out weird her, you start clipping your toenails in the cubicle. Holy shit.

Ha ha! Best response we've had in a while. Holy shit. You sort of go like, you invented a locker room. Like I'm in my living room. I love the locker room. Yeah, we're in the locker room. This is a party.

So Gareth, we had a call similar to this with a man who flossed in the living room. Yeah. And we talked to his wife about clipping. That makes sense. Cause we're at home. God damn it. Beverly's at work. It's, but this woman is making it home.

This woman is not the boss. No. Okay. I think, I think there's gotta be a slide. I like spiders think I think there's got to be a slight. I like spiders. I think there's something there to say, like, here's another one. Good. You start Parmesan in the floor. Oh, my God. Classic.

You start putting Parmesan on the floor. We can't keep pitching this. We've cut this out of 65 out of 80 episodes. Maybe this one will stick. I'm telling you, someone is going to parmesan the goddamn floor. By the way, parmesan on the floor is a great idea. Parmesan it, a little water on it, she'll start to feel a little footy film. And she'll start going, what the hell?

Here's one B on parmesan. You're talking, post her exercise or feed her out. You're eating spicy Chinese food or Mexican food with weird hot chili oils. You spill it on the floor. You tell her you're really sorry. As you're cleaning it, you rub it in all over her area and it's hot oil or, Ooh, let's get weird. You break, you tell you drop a glass and you break it.

And you say, you go like this, Hey, you tell, you drop a glass and you break it. And you say. This is really good. You go like this, hey, you get there early, you get a really thin wine glass or some water glass. You knock. Yeah, I should be arriving to work early with wine glass. Fair enough. Any sort of thin glass that breaks.

Yeah. If it's cameras, they can't see you break it. And if it drops more than three times and it doesn't break, you're a weirdo. But if you can- Well, you know what you could do is you could get that fake breakaway Hollywood glass. So that it actually-

So you could get a fake- Shatters everywhere. You shatter it and when she comes in you go- And there's blood everywhere. You could say- What, Beverly? It's fake, damn it. Pump the brakes, Beverly.

Pump the brakes here. Is that a horror movie? Let us drive. No, fake blood everywhere. Fake blood everywhere. I thought we were going to Hollywood. No, we don't want- No, we don't want fake blood. The brakes Beverly pumps No, but I think this idea is something what if you did this Beverly you got one of those fate you can get it on Amazon I'm sure breakaway glass so it's easy you fill it with water you accidentally knock it it breaks everywhere You clean it as much as you can when she in, you put a note up that you say, sorry, broken glass in this area

because it's carpeted, can't get it all. Be careful. No, that's like really good. I feel like I need to introduce another character, but if we don't have enough time, then we don't have to. Please, we do have time. Beverly, we have time. The receptionist, she lords over the building and she

notices it's like a picture frame is like off kilter and she'll like send out a mass email to everyone of like who Did this to the picture frame and she's always checking if the housekeepers are doing their job and Like going in very tedious. So I would hate for someone to, you know what I mean? For like, yeah, him or Tim, we'll call her Tim, to get onto someone else because of the mess I made. I understand. But I also hear you guys are coming from and it's goofy and it's fun. I understand, but you're right that it's going to make the receptionist get really OCD,

be really tough on the janitors. Everyone's life's going to get bad. And then, uh, diamond's going to be walking around a shoeless. How about something like this? An anonymous note to the receptionist saying, just so you know, there is a coworker in your floor, in your building, walking around, shoeless, rubbing their feet all over everything. There has been word that there might be athlete's foot spreading. I thought you would want to know because I expected more from you.

Right. And then the receptionist goes like, we got a wreck. Yeah. Tim's going to freak out. Everything's got to be perfect. The picture frame's got to be perfect. And you just go like, and then all of a sudden the answer is no. And then it's a battle between them. And then you could sit back and go like, I don't even know what's happening. Another one pop to thumbtacks in the carpet near where she goes barefoot Erath no home alone her home alone her we're not hold on home alone her why don't you throw a Paint can at her head burn her with an iron

Yeah, the homeowner turn feather the woman We can't inflict pain. How about this? Wet the carpet and shock it. Electrocutor, homeowner. How about this? I got one. Okay. This is in the world of the nails. Don't wash your feet for three days.

Get your feet smelling yeasty and disgusting. We all know it's not far off. Within 30 hours, all of our feet are the feet of an animal Really cook those sons of bitches Beverly when she takes her shoes off you take yours off Your smell has to be so intense that she goes like ooh You know, you know what I think we do on that one. We parmesan your feet Tonight and then let them cook You know what I think we do on that one? We parmesan your feet. Why not? Tonight. And then let them cook for three days.

We parmesan your socks and you wear the same socks for three days and you're joining the locker room and you've got little flaky parmesan smells. I mean I honestly think there's something too. If I did something where I took my shoes off and somebody else did and their feet were disgusting and I thought mine were fine. I would put mine on and then if they put theirs on too, I would be like, let's agree to disagree. I'm just keeping these on and they keep theirs on. Hmm.

Yeah. Yeah. So we've got some options for you and I want to kind of hear where you're at. This doesn't necessarily mean the end, but we got the world of spiders. Right. Coming from down under. Coming from down under. Spiders from down under. We've got the idea of maybe put like a mouse get a field mouse put it in your purse.

When her feet are off just put your purse on the ground let it crawl out of your purse. We've got the parmesan cheese it. Just put parmesan cheese on the floor I guess. Hope the camera can catch you. Cuz if they if they catch you Yeah, but the camera catches a rat coming out of your bag. They're gonna have some other questions to change I noticed you punched up your pitch and post a little bit by the way. I Have a soft version of that which is just like Casually saying like did you hear about the mold on the carpet or something? Oh Kevin thank you you always come in yes. All right look we all love Kevin but Jake has been working hard for the month it's a bit it's a lot. It all changed with my with when my

mom said that thing a more Kevin now there's this idea that Kevin Kevin there's a perfect amount of Kevin. I love the mom episode. Thank you but there's there's a perfect amount of Kevin. amount of camera. But there's a perfect amount of camera. So then we've got this idea of breaking glass, which you didn't like. Right. We've got the idea of the anonymous note to the receptionist. And I love that because I also love a good gossip and I feel like that would really travel well. Oh, what about a few random notes on pieces of paper that you leave throughout want her to be attached to the chaos. If the chaos gets traced back to her, then everything becomes real weird. I'm leaving the notes if I'm typing them up so they can't see my handwriting. Oh great.

That's what all the other notes are, like in the kitchen that are like clean up your shit and different things like that. And you know where else you could leave them? You could leave them while you reach into the fridge, leave it in the fridge so no cameras things like that. And you know where else you could leave them? You could leave them while you like reach into the fridge, leave it in the fridge so no cameras are watching that. And the note says, have you seen the stinky toes? Ooh. Put those little piggies away.

Put those little piggies away. So Beverly, what do you think you're gonna do here? Yeah, I honestly love the note idea. I could get to the Parmigiano-Reggiano idea if I knew where the blind spots were on the cameras. So those are the two directions that I'm feeling that are the most me, that are the most true to who I am, and the most realistic. That's good.

Here's two ways, two things with the Parmesan pitch. But I think if you like, no, go with it. Two things you can do with the Parmesan is nobody's gonna fucking go back. These cameras probably delete their footage after 24 hours. So nobody's going to be going back and CSIing the cameras to see where the Parmesan came from. But if they do, so embarrassing. You haven't met Ken, but I hear you. Okay, here's the way to cover it. One day for lunch, you're going to Sabaro, you grab a slice, and you fucking load up a tray with Parmesan, and when you're sitting at your cubicle eating it, you're fake, you're kind of emerald, yes, you're just, yes, you're dumping it every, you're a sloppy

eater. Worst case scenario, you're a little sloppy Parmesan piggy so your thought Beverly is you're gonna put a note around are you gonna actually do this well now I'm thinking spiders now I'm thinking fighters post-Parmesan sand castle what a twist you've thrown our way so what does that mean spiders walk thinking like okay so I usually get to work like about 15 minutes before she does. So I can do something like a long lines of like, hey, like, I don't know. I'm kind of like not really a critter person, but I feel like I saw something crawling around our cubicle.

Good. So we have why don't you just early in work while on camera pretend to see a black widow under the table, take your shoe and kill it, and then go like, whoa, whoa. And then everybody all day you go like, I killed a black widow right under Diamond's desk. I wouldn't even kill it. You saw it and you got a picture of it and you looked.

And when she comes in you have the Google image of a black widow up and you go, I literally, this is literally what I just saw on our carpet, a black widow. I just, I just Googled it. This is what was on our carpet. I threw my, I just like trying to hit it with my shoe, but it like made a move. So there is like a black widow here. I'm pretty sure.

Oh my gosh. We have a time with ticks here. We have so many ticks and she was just talking about how she just got a new dog and they went hiking this weekend and they like had to get all the ticks off the dog and they don't know if they got them all. Good. And she's freaking out about ticks. And it's a tick season. That's great. You live, go like this, hey I just want to let you know I saw two ticks in the carpet this morning and you say it when her feet are off. You do that Beverly as a favor.

You go like this, hey girl, be careful with your feet off. I literally saw a tick right in this right where you were this morning. She'll go like, ew, gross. And I go, I'm telling you, Diamond, check yourself. But I would keep those shoes on. That's good. There we go. Because I care about you and I don't want you to have Lyme disease.

I, because if you get that in your foot, that could leave the pans disease. That could be real bad. Mm-hmm. Plus someone put a note in the fridge about the ticks. Also, there's a ton. And then she goes, maybe the ticks are here for all the Parmesan. Floor, all the Parmesan that's everywhere. I like a Parmesan of pizza.

I got my Parmesan. There's a rat coming out of your purse. All ideas are the best idea. Home alone. And then all of a sudden, when she says that, a bucket of paint hits her right on the face, and she falls into a Christmas tree. And then you go on a little zip tie out of there.

And then Beverly just runs three feet, goes to her knee, and goes, yes. And keep the change change you filthy animal Beverly we appreciate the call I think Tix is a while but I think we all nailed it yeah good team effort thank you guys and then follow up with us right away yeah dog all right y'all have a good one you too bud all right thanks bye Awesome. You too, bud. All right.

Thanks. Bye. Bye. And Jake, this episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is a way to build your own website and they keep expanding with what they can do. My website is a Squarespace website. I put it together.

It's so easy. It's so user friendly. We put a website together for suits and wigs suits and wigs. We all know that sweep in the nation, but they offer so much stuff. They offer ways for you to sell your content, ways for you to sell your merch. It just keeps expanding and expanding. So garethrents.com is Squarespace. Garethrents.com is Squarespace. garethrentals.com is Squarespace. So is kevinbartel.com. It's got all the shows I work on.

Pretty cool. By the way, huge, huge, huge update. Also, slow down, Kevin. Kevin leans all the way back in my chair. Pretty cool. Oh, boy. That just happened, everybody. The most aggressive, weird overlap of the history of we're here to help.

Alright, so head to squarespace.com slash Kevin freaked out during this ad company. Squarespace.com slash Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using the code Gil sent me. of a website or domain using the code GILD7. And we are brought to you by Dell. That's right, Dell. Look, seasons change. Why not your tech?

Upgrade now during Dell Technologies' Summer Sale Event and save on select PCs like the XPS 16-powered Intel Core processors. You'll be able to bring your most intensive projects to life with built-in AI, minimalistic design, immersive visuals, and cinematic audio. Please complete your dream. Please. I'm not begging you. Plus, complete your dream.

Set up with deals on select monitors, mice, and more must-have electronics and accessories when you shop online at dell.com slash deals. You'll have access to exceptional tech and electronics, plus free shipping on everything. Amazing prices await you for a limited time only at dell.com slash deals. That's dell.com. That's Booking.yeah, and I got a saygarf. I just used Booking.com.

This last weekend, I went to Santa Barbara with the family. Booking.com found us our place. It was easy. It all worked out great. And I like that it's easy. I think you think it's one of those things where you're like, oh, I don't know if there's a... Using Booking.com makes your life so much easier, like you're saying.

And like I always say, when I go on the road, I have like sometimes three, four nights off. And there's so many little things you want to know before you go into a situation, and booking.com just makes it very, very easy on you. Yes. So we're here at the pod, so use booking.com to make your life easy, don't get fancy, and this summer you can book whoever you want to be on booking.com. That's booking.

Yeah. So head to booking.com to book today. Hello. Well, hi there. Welcome to America's number one podcast. We're here to help. Don't look it up. You're on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds. Kevin is having an espresso. He's a super weird guy. Can we get your name, your age and where you're calling from, please? Yeah, of course. My name's Savannah. I'm 32 and I'm calling from Nashville, Tennessee.

Oh, beautiful. Great place. OK, what's going on? Let's jump in. OK, great. So I'm calling in because my now husband, Ben F Fiance at the time and I did engagement photos together. We planned a big beautiful wedding that we didn't end up being able to follow through with because of unforeseen circumstances. And so these engagement photos are kind of the only memento that I have of that time for us.

Um, so we did them in a really scenic location. It was beautiful. And when I got the shots back, I was really excited. Uh, but as we looked at the shots a little bit closer, um, you can see a very clear outline of my husband's penis in almost every single shot. That's, um, first of all, Savannah, congrats. Hey, Savannah, congratulations. Yeah, it'd be a lot worse if you couldn't see the outline. Well, it also will get into it, but it also depends on the outline size a little bit.

But it makes me think that it's decent because you're seeing it in a photo from kind of, you know, gray sweatpants and you see right away and you go like my guy, darker pants. Yeah, I'm saying this as a friend. I'm saying this as a friend. Sometimes I go to the farmer's market. I'm like, I shouldn't be showing it off. Hey, can I buy a pair of shorts to put on my sweatpants? Why? I didn't realize I was who they were.

So, Savannah, you question for you. What kind of what was the big wedding that didn't happen just out of the fun of hearing about it? So, Savannah, question for you. What was the big wedding that didn't happen just out of the fun of hearing about it? Yeah. We planned the beautiful wedding. I did all the things. I rented all the packages. Nothing in the world of weddings.

Sure. That one package especially. Yeah. Nothing in the world of weddings is cheap. It was kind of unforeseen circumstances, but we ended up having to cancel. I got you. What we did instead was just a really intimate elopement that we didn't plan, that I have

no photos from. Oh, Savannah. No one enjoyed it. No one was there with us. Oh, Savannah. So, this is special. Yeah. Yeah.

What did you do in the photos? What were the big photo days? So, we did. It ended up being, we went out to this place in Clarksville. It's called Dunbar cave And it's just it's a beautiful cave scenery and with the photos it's like unless you have a Close-up of our faces or a shot where we're just big Yeah, we couldn't if I had a nickel for every time a big old dick ruined photos, my man, I would be a millionaire.

Jake, Jake, Jake. Sorry, sorry. This is the call I wish my wife would call in. I know. Every guy, this is their dream. Your big dick ruined photos. Let's just out it. Savannah, he's got a hog, right?

Did you guys see the picture? I sent in a picture. No, there's a photo. I know, you sent a picture. Yeah, I sent in a hog. Yeah. Right. Did you guys see the picture? I sent in a picture. No, that's a photo. I know. You sent a picture. Yeah. The screens aren't working.

I sent in a picture this morning. I asked him not to put it on YouTube, but I wanted you guys to be able to understand what I was talking about. No. We'll react to it. Can we blur out his face and put it on YouTube? Turn him into a star? That's not a bad call.

You can blur out both of our faces and put them on YouTube, maybe. Now we're talking. Okay. That could be the wedding photo. I don't want both of our faces and put them on YouTube, maybe. Now we're talking. Okay, now we're talking. That could be the wedding photo. I don't wanna do, it's no shame to the photographer. I was too embarrassed to ask her to fix it. I assume that she obviously noticed it. It feels like a user error,

like I messed up picking out our clothing possibly. But basically what I would love to ask you guys is, how can I honor these photos? They're all that I have I you know I have the few that I can use but what can I do with these pictures to kind Of honor them whether it be like a silly fun way or something that I can do for he and I but right now I'm just sitting on Oh my god, we're seeing him now. Oh my god Oh my god, we're seeing him now. Oh my god. Yeah

You know he needed he needed to be in a pair of me undies Yeah Me undies me undies the only pair of underwear that'll hide the shlong me undies Don't show it off show it off behind the closed doors We needed some me undies on this guy under those khakis. So the photo is a lovely couple walking in the field. He's wearing some brown khakis for those who aren't going to pop over to YouTube. And you just see his hog. You just see that dick sitting out there. It's very clear.

It's not subtle. The term third arm comes to mind. It's a major player. It's a major player. I'm not going to say we're not talking about the biggest dick on planet Earth, but we're talking about a solid hog. Yeah, we're talking. It's made an appearance.

Savannah, we're just explaining for our audience because they might not be able to see it. So, yeah, we're not talking about like, oh, God, the Internet's broken. But we're saying, yeah, there is a decent there's some decent stuff going in that wedding. Yeah, we're not we're not saying, oh, God, the internet's broken, but we are saying put a ring on that. Savannah. Yeah, we are saying that hog up in the bar. Yeah.

We are saying that guy belongs behind the cage. We are saying maybe throw something over that hog. Cause it's terrifying. It's the 1800s. Your husband would have put in some sort of public wooden cell and people would have thrown rotting vegetables I mean he just yeah, because it might be a witch's dick because honestly it looks like something a wizard could cut It looks like a spell was put on his dick and that's all we're saying no man's dick. That's a wizard

Yeah, so so that's all we're saying yeah there were not saying anything bad What we're saying is we're really jealous. He's got a great penis and good for him and shame for us. I mean, we're not there. Truly, every photo I've ever been in, I do the same stupid smile, I do the same hand expression, and I just pray to God that my dick pops through my pants and it's never happened. What we're saying is if Jake and I were to have a shot like that, we would need five to 10 minutes of warm up prep

and we might get three quarters of the way there. And we're also going to need mango. In early sponsor call back to the early listeners. Yeah. So Savannah, the question is, is how do you honor these photos? Because it is a full body shot. Part of it is it seems like you guys are frolicking in the field. And what you want to send to family members like grandparents and mothers is the the

innocence of a frolic not what happens after the frolic and that is that hog comes out you try to make babies together right yeah so what do you think of a very simple let's just go let's start right down the middle of a Photoshop yep yeah you do see and I thought about this too is like sometimes you see forums online where people post pictures and be like Can someone help me fix this? And they put insane things that I didn't think about that I haven't thought about having someone else take them in Photoshop them. I'm not able to do that myself Okay, I got it. Yeah, but like a company because all you got to do they can now I mean AI can make entire movies these days

I guarantee there's some program that can just blend a shade of life. I mean, I know is a fact they can Yeah, you need a prick shrink, you know, I had to do it for I made a little movie in the whole movie My big old dick was in every shot. It cost us imposed. Thanks. In post-production. It cost us hundreds of millions of dollars They were like this movie is not about Godzilla's dick. No, that's why we lost money, Garrett. It's like it is in the hall. Every project I've ever been in that's lost money, it's because my big dick, they had to blend it out.

It's true, yeah, I know, the post is a nightmare. Every job I didn't get as an actor, it's simply because they called and they said, of course you're better than Joaquin Phoenix for this part, the problem is your big dick is gonna cause us a fortune and put us to wear out. Jake's not gonna be able to walk the line. He's gonna trip over it with that swan.

So Savannah, I think the very clear, get out of the dodge of this, is to look for a company that blurs it out. But I think we should pitch some other options. Yeah, I think that because, well first of all, we don't know if that's possible. So that is so I would I would say that that's the first port of call and we can even you know, when this app airs, we can have people reach out if they think they can, you know, it's true, get a hog eraser going on.

Maybe we'll do this one fast, Kevin, and we'll see because then what we can do Savannah if you're interested So this is a to Savannah if we do this one right away and somebody writes in we can't Guarantee, they're not gonna just be weirdos with this day. You actually you might want to go to a real company Yeah, the more we know we thought this the more I think that we could just it could just be weirdos who have a wedding photo fetish. Yeah, yeah, I would say find a company. Don't don't go to our listeners. It does feel like professionally modest. Yes, I think that's exactly right. I wonder if there's actually a company because the way you just said that, Savannah, you know, many photos there are where a woman's a woman's nipples popping out and she's like, God damn it.

It was my wedding. I was with my seven best friends and my sister and then, you know, Grace's nipples were popping out in every photo. There's a company that comes in. Of course it is. You know, all those like spring dresses, all those like linen outfits, those like, you know, Miami style weddings where everyone's in white. You know how many hogs you're seeing on the beach there?

Oh yeah, yeah. You're seeing six out of the 10 guys, their hogs are in the photos. It's like wild pigs. Yeah, and you go, I wanted this wedding photo of my beautiful wife and I on this boat. I didn't want six of my groomsmen's hogs in every photo. There's a company for that. And guess what?

Yeah. Khaki lackey. Guess what, Robert? I'm willing to put $3,500 for 33%. If you want to partner up you and me, I'm Barbara. Let's go hog kicks. The deal. And I think what we need is we need a hog eliminator.

Um, I am the hog eliminator. Easy Barbara. Barbara, listen to yourself. Like hungry hippos. Barbara, Barbara, Barbara, Barbara. I'll eliminate the hog eliminator. Easy Barbara, Barbara listen to yourself. Like hungry hippos. Barbara, Barbara, Barbara, Barbara. I'll eliminate the hogs. My parents aren't from America. That's doing shark tank again?

Yeah sorry, it's a trope. So that's the first pitch. Here's another pitch. Can you just redo some pictures? Can you guys get in your Sunday's best? Can you go out somewhere? Can we find a way to maybe hook you up with someone who is, you know, going to give you a discounted rate? And can we just get some redo shots?

How long have you been married? That would have been, we just would have hit two years in March. So I think that would maybe be an idea if we... But it's different, guys. Here's why it's different guys big it is here's why it's different because Sweet Savannah does not have pictures of the actual wedding and so you could redo it but there was something about that era was something about them together then And it's hard to recreate that it's hard. It's a reenactment

I don't think it was hard. I think it's just big. It's crazy. Can we is there a is there a don't get don't even get me started. Is there a way Savannah with these photos and maybe Kevin, you could pull that one up again. What about just we crop them all? Can you screen share with her, Kevin? She's on the phone, so no, but I can send her I can screenshot and send her what I just did. So here's a very simple solution and it's not perfect, but I actually might do this over the Robert and Barbara company Dickerace. I would just say you crop these photos and you see what you

got when you pushed in because here's what you don't want to do. You don't want to lose the joy you guys had. You don't want to lose the joy you guys had. You don't want to lose the optimism you guys had. You don't you want to capture that moment. I just say push in. Yeah, you got to push past the hog. I think we put it out. We see if we can get maybe some Photoshop help.

I think, Jay, I it doesn't look that bad. I know it really doesn't. I do feel like you could do a recreation as well, but I also think there are probably some of the solves we're pitching right now are easier. So Kevin will send that to you, but what do you think about those? Those are very basic pitches,

but those seem to be like the easiest way to. Yeah, but Garth, we're not gonna go crazy. We're not gonna be like, all right, Joe's like a pirate, and you know. Yeah, I mean, we're not going to go crazy. We're not going to be like, all right, dress like a pirate and you know, yeah, I mean, we're just trying to work or it's just trying to cover a hog. Yeah. I look, the problem's fantastic. There's no notes on the problem. So so what do you think of that?

The only problem with this one is us. I mean, we didn't need to do shark tank. Well, we did really. I mean, we both just were like, uh, did put it's hard. I agree. I agree. Problem is, I was great. It's a great call. And he's and congratulations again,

to both of you on your wedding and to him specifically. I hope you many a son. I hope many a son. Many a son. Yeah. So what do you think? I mean, we're pitching basically Photoshop. We're pitching, we're pitching, cropping in on the picture, pushing in. And lastly, if you want the real Hail Mary,

we're pitching a re-shoot. Yeah, all of that makes sense. I think those are the most, like, the easiest solutions. I think what Jake said about pushing past the hogs and just taking the crop, I haven't messed with them but if you guys are looking at them and They look better or they look like that as a passable solution. I guess that would work Savannah beyond beyond passable there. It's a good photo when you yeah, the photos are really great I mean genuinely and then what were you kind of thinking when you called it?

Because we're giving you a pretty run-of-the-mill type thoughts, but I want to hear, will you save it, Garv? Yeah. Savannah, what were you kind of thinking in the zone when you were calling? What were you hoping to hear? Well, I was wondering if if there was a way that I could take these pictures and maybe use them in a way that as they are to still enjoy them, but maybe something that might honor them. But it may be something that has to be just for me and my husband, but just ways that I can still use these

pictures. And like you said, Jake, appreciate them in that moment for what they are. Yes. And, and get kind of capture that, but still, you know, not just have to sit on them. I have a couple of shots, you know, that we can use where we're like us that face in each other, they're close up to our faces. I really like the scenic shots and I like the way that they turned out and I love the area that we're in and I just like to be able to use them. So that's what I was thinking. So Savannah, in that really fast, you can make a pick, you can make one of those little like Apple books where you put them all together in a book that's not that expensive and you could send it to all his friends and your friends and every single photo has this dick in it.

It's almost like a where's Waldo for everybody. So it's meant to be funny, but they are pretty shots. But you celebrate the fact that you allow everybody to have a huge laugh. And in every single photo, there's another deck back. This is what I was going to. This is what I was going to pitch for for friends and family who you don't want to acknowledge that reality. What I was going to say is you could.

What if you put a little text over it like something that's like married? Yeah, like our special day or the date of the wedding or something like that. And then what you could do for the version that Jake's talking about is you could just put little hearts over it. You can even call it a heart on. Yes, but you could also do hitched and you do it like it's a banner, like a wedding banner and it just goes right over the dick on each one.

I do think even if you do the heart on, I think part of the fun then is do one where the dicks are just out in the open sure I gotta tell you if a friend sent me that book I would die laughing in every page cuz then you get to tease your buddy and be like your dick ruined your wedding So that's for Port Savannah And then you look and it's like you guys by a river and I'm like, I don't see the dick then you push in you Go like there's that fucking heart. There it is. You found a way, my friend, to ruin photos. Yeah, I think great stuff.

I think that's fun. And I think it like you're saying, if you want to do that big panoramic one, throw a little fucking text over that sweet for you. And then you could send that to me with the wedding date. Just right there. Nothing crazy, but just a a little something and then if you do the one where the dicks revealed the book is as you guys can see now you guys all know why I married him yeah yeah I like so everybody goes like I don't get it like she said we know I married him he's sweet he's funny they're loving and then when they see the photos, they go like, oh, the book title could be it ain't his personality.

Title title. So Savannah, now I feel like now we've given you advice in a lot of zones. What do you think you're going to do? I like it. I like the I like the hard on. Like you said, I love the book idea. I think we'll start with the hard on and I can close it a little bit and try to edit it. But I think making up the book and having it, even if it was just for us, would be totally worth it.

Can you please send us one for Kevin's new studio he's putting together and we'll have it behind us as one of the stuff we've got. Classic. Yeah, yeah, I'll do that. And then we go back. Well, I was just going to say, and then if you feel like you want to follow up on any of these other versions that we've pitched, let us know. But we definitely want a copy of it. And it's probably worth doing a follow up when we look through the copy with you

just to see how it all sort of shakes out. And will you also if you do the hard on where you're just putting a heart on the head of his penis in every photo, would you please send us that too? Please. Yes. All the stuff. All the stuff, Savannah. We're invested in this.

And you know what would be great for the follow up is if we can get him on too. Oh, yeah. I love that. Yeah, we just want to, you know. And if you guys ever split up, will you give them my number? Yeah, we want to go out with them. Thank you for the call, Savannah. Thanks, Savannah. Thank you guys. Gareth, Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions,

it monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. How many weird subscriptions you think you got, Gareth, that you just pay every month on? Well, because of Rocket Money, I know that that was a lot. There were a number of things. Some sad, some make you feel bad. When when you see you're still paying for like beach body or something like that, and you're like, oof, I really dropped the ball.

Or Kevin's 25 personal training workout. He's gonna get that. Rocket Money has over five million users and has saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions. It's crazy. Saving members up to 740 bucks a year when using all of the apps features.

So stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash help. That's rocketmoney.com slash help. Rocketmoney.com slash help. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Kleenex Ultra Soft Tissues, your ally to help tackle your allergy symptoms this season. And look at Kevin holding up a box. I am actually now traveling with a travel pack. Right.

Always good to have because, you know, when it's allergy season, you know, you got to use a little Kleenex. I love spring, but here in Australia it's winter. So my allergies have gone totally crazy. Um, but yeah, we love Kleenex. We we've said it before, like we've, we've started using Kleenex again and we're like, yeah, this just makes sense. If you're going to use anything, get the best, don't mess around.

It's hyper allergenic. it's allergist approved. So for this allergy season, grab Kleenex and face allergies head on. Yes. There's no need to have a nose like WC Fields. No, there is no. Kleenex! Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. There is no Kleenex. Hey, everyone. Producer Kevin here.

This next follow up is from episode 79 called Mama's Boys with Even Pam. That episode came out on May 16th and it is the second call from that episode. Enjoy the follow up. Good afternoon, boys. How we doing? Can I take a guess? Let me hear it. Golf? That's it baby. Beautiful. Way to go Jake. I mean you knew it too Gareth. I mean the baby's back. Let's go. What happened with the tournament? Okay wait, why don't you tell us your name and why don't you just real quickly reestablish what was going going on and he needed to win a tournament

But he didn't want to practice a golf. Yeah Actually win and it was something about your mother. Yeah, Nino, of course and your mother Sows the winner on a jacket and you wanted that jacket. Is that right Nina? That's it. You got it. All right Okay So Nino what advice did we finally give that you were gonna take? About how you were gonna win a golf tournament without getting any better at golf. Where did we end up on? So to start a little drama between the two boys ahead of me Yeah, right come in right an aggressive Rodney Dangerfield attitude slash attire

The boys on the group. Oh yeah, let's dance. Yeah. And then keep giving them drinks and try to countermine with a couple of waters and white cloths along the way. That's what I'm telling me Nino. Are we talking to a champion? We are unfortunately not talking to a champion.

However, I have exceeded my third place and I comfortably sat in second at the end of the tournament. Wow. First time for that. Walk us through how the hell that happened. Yeah. Well, the two boys that we thought were the top of the, we took care of them and then there was a... You killed them? A little silent assassin we didn't plan for. Nino, Nino, Nino. Nino you jumped you jumped. You killed how did you take you take how did you take care of them? They're in the Hudson River. They're dead? We don't want to talk about it. No uh we beat them pretty pretty solid and then so you just you just you just beat them at golf. I bought a lot of alcohol too. Oh, so tell me what, in terms of what plans you did, walk us through what happened.

Don't feel like you got a rush to the end. So the weekend starts. Talk about what plans you put in and how they went, please. So I was going with the drama between the two of them to start. However, on the first round, it was the two of them, myself and my father. And I started with a little, you know, Jay said, your drivers really has been showing up lately. And Jay just looks at Mark and goes, I never said that. So that fell apart like a whole two. I lost that. They were like, no, I just I backpedaled.

I didn't expect that. And I was, that was gone real quick. Understood. By the way, I think that's a nice, but that's a nice lesson to the audience. The way to handle drama is just, if somebody's trying to start shit, just go to the other person and go like, that didn't happen, right?

And I also, I also think in our plan, it was like, you're supposed to whisper it to the one. You don't do it in front of everybody. Yeah, you're not like, yeah, yeah. I guess they thought that was. That was kind of how it started, but it didn't work. Okay, all right, okay. And then we went for the booze.

We buying rounds at the turn, flagging the cockerel down. I'd grab a drink for myself, crush a water at the same time maybe, keep going. Work great for day one. Jake, you want to say it or you want me to? No, you go ahead, Garrett. What's great is our advice was you don't drink and you swap it for water and what you took from it was every drink I also have a water.

Well, that's also part of the problem for round two, I kind of had to go to the bathroom with the waters and then I was fine. Yeah, you know the plan, you know the plan. Remember the plan? The plan was that you you rope a dope them and you're just you you you you eventually didn't even. It was, yeah, that plan kind of just, I thought, oh, well I'll just get drunk and we did. Okay. All right.

So the drama didn't work. You did it in front of them. You said like, the driver's not working. They both go, no, that didn't happen. You went abort. Then rather than you get them drunk, you had one water. You did one water, forgot to drink the water and everybody got drunk. Okay.

Yeah, that's accurate. And then did you do anything with Rodney Dangerfield or? I came in pretty hot on day two with the exaggerated outfit to a flaw, to a, well, not anything. So I thought I killed it. Was it well received by all Jesus I'm right sure I'm you know the picture which is this is not right no no it's not I want a different road a little bit you had a pajama outfit with dress shoes it looks like a three year old got a beard and got to go golf. What do you like about it? And you know,

well, it was easy to figure out what I was wearing that day. It all matched. Okay. So I mean, he's wearing a short sleeve matching pair of shorts, rubber ducky the boys, the other boys just kind of fell apart and I took advantage of it on the day one when I was washing out with water, got a nice little early lead and then started trotting away from there. Well, here's what's good.

We can't consider this one a win for us. No, it's not. Okay. He didn't win, we didn't win. But here's what's amazing. And I will say, we could have won. We really could have won. How so?

I just think if Nino had stuck to the full on drink swap, we could have won. We really could have won if. How so? I just think if Nino had stuck to the full on drink, we could have won. But we again, what we love about him is, is that he is kind of only a quarter did our plan. But I think if we if he had fully stuck to the system, we would we would. I mean, we were already in striking. You're not wrong, Nino. Fuck, man. We got the second place in this tournament by getting drunk still We didn't even really do but we just drank two waters

Yeah, exactly my mom still disappointed in me too, so it's definitely not a win anywhere Alright, so then he but look nobody nobody is mad at second place But I think next year you have to execute the water swap. We got to get a championship. I think that's right. I think we need to, okay, we did it this year. We learned maybe that we actually could do this. Yes.

So this is a win because guess what? And you know, we got it. We took a big step toward the championship. You go back to like the, the early bulls or any great dynasty. They never win the first big year. They always get knocked off in like the Eastern conference finals and it's all intense and you hate the rival. Then the next year you make a big adjustment. It's like the fact that this was, you went from nothing,

you said you were not even close to winning, to you snuck in second place. Second place. I did. How far out of first were you? How far? A buddy came out of nowhere that we didn't know was coming, who is very good and booze and being obnoxious didn't really take him out of his stride Well here here's what I think we do Jake and you you tell me what you think about this I think look we don't need to make any active moves right now I think we schedule another follow-up two months ahead of next year's tournament and We see what kind of shenanigans we can pull and some of the shenanigans might just be pep talking Nino into actually just sticking to the water plan for a day or two

Yeah, yeah, and maybe I will have enough time for a lesson or two along the way Couldn't hurt. I think that makes sense Nino. We appreciate the call. You're a lot of fun and we're excited for next year Thanks looking forward to talking. Have a good one boys. All right bud, thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Hey everyone, the original call from this follow-up is from episode 80 on May 20th. It is the second call from that episode, which is called Identical in Every Way with Max Greenfield. So if you want to listen to that original episode as a quick refresher, go for it. Hi Okay, welcome to America's number one podcast we're here to help. How are you doing?

You got Jake. You got Jake Johnson. You got Gareth Reynolds. You got heartthrob KB Kevin Barton, by the way, Kevin weighed in got Heartthrob, KB, Kevin Barty. By the way, Kevin weighed in yesterday, he's three pounds lighter. Anyway, it doesn't matter. What is your name, where are you calling from, and what's your age, please? My name's Sarah. I'm calling from Utah and I'm 23. Okay.

Beautiful state. Um, but we don't want to do the local stuff. What, what's going on, Sarah? What can we help you with? So this is an update. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh, cheeky. Yes, it's, I don't know if you remember,

but I lied to my husband's little cousin about not giving away my leopard gecko. Oh, yeah, the gecko. You say yes. Of course. This one was genuinely stressful. Yeah, so Sarah, remind everybody of the details I would say yes. Of course. This one was genuinely stressful. Yeah. So Sarah, remind everybody of the details of your story, what our advice was and where

we're at. So the details of my story was I got a leopard gecko. I told my husband's little cousin that he could watch it while it was gone. He got really excited, started breeding roaches to give it. I got rid of the gecko and when the little cousin asked me when I was going to drop it off, I just said I leave on the 20th and didn't tell him I had gotten rid of it. So we came up with buying him one, but I didn't want to be out $300. So I wanted to make sure his parents

would want to buy it off of me first. Did Garret say something weird, like create like a puppet of one or something? Don't tell me. A doll. Yeah. Is that right? Okay, Sarah, keep going.

It's weird when I hear my pitch is back and I'm passing. The other option was just to tell them it died, but we both felt really weird about. Yeah. Oh, no honesty. Of course not. So what I tried to do, what we landed on was I was going to see if the parents would want to buy me the Gecko off of me, and then I would buy another one and then just transport it.

Yeah, I respect that play. yeah so I did I texted them I said hey I was I'm thinking about getting rid of the gecko would you like to buy it off me now and they said well we think we're probably gonna wait till like his birthday before we get one which isn't till like December so me not wanting to be out $300 and not wanting to have a gecko I decided to go with it died probably a little bit sussy after I asked them if they wanted to buy it Sarah not a little bit suspect you said do you want to buy it from me for three? Well, we're gonna wait you go either way it died. Did did you leave any time?

How quickly did you say it died? Seconds that initial garrison she didn't even they didn't even finish talking cuz they they stepped on each other like you and me do She goes they go, but you know little dots They go so they it's currently still we're not interested until the died Like you and me do. She goes, they go. Both have the little dots. They go, so it's currently still, we're not interested until, died, it died. It's dead. Well, it just checked anyway and it's dead. It's irrelevant.

So how long, Sarah? What happened? Walk us through it. It was a good question. Well, I called you guys like a week before I left or two weeks before I left. So I asked them if they wanted a bite because I went to look at the geckos and like get all the setup.

So I texted them weeks before and then they said no. Then I have an avoided personality. So I didn't tell them it died till the night before. You waited till the night before? Sarah, you should have called back. Yeah, we need you needed us. The night before is a crazy move to the little cousin.

I was just going to say it's it's as far as it is. It's gonna die on Christmas Eve. Yeah, exactly what I was thinking. Exactly. That literally saying like, how do I tell the kids about the tooth fairy? And you go really bad news.

And they go like, I put my tooth under the pillow and you go to very died. I died. I just saw the body. It was tiny. It was gone It's gone, but it was a brutal death didn't die of natural causes. So your teeth are now just nothing Sarah can I show the Screenshot of the text exchange will blur the number out. It's so funny. Yeah out it's so funny yeah is that okay yeah he definitely did believe okay let's see okay jake you want to read it you want me to read it you read it please all right so here we go hey this is sarah sadly my gecko passed away last night so you won't be able to watch him this week while we're away oh no so sad to me dot dot. Yeah, she ate some of her substrate and got impacted.

And then no reply. Well, that's a common way less word geckos die. So I was trying to like give a reason. So Sarah, one thing here on this, cause that was a great excuse. You didn't just say died how, I don't know, heart attack. You gave a very good way these things died. They never responded?

No, no. That's not good. Never. But later that day I get a text from my mother-in-law saying, oh, I heard about your deco and I'm so sorry. I'm sharing the screen on this too, Sarah. Oh my lord. Okay. So here's another text exchange.

Two people on this one. This one is from the mother. I'm so sorry to hear about your gecko, lizard emoji. And then a picture of flowers, which i guess is as nice as getting flowers and then i believe you it's my husband and then your husband the hero comes in and writes sad sad day crying face emoji sad sad day like it's d. I think sarah did a really good job and maybe i'm reading this wrong Maybe you might yeah I feel like they buy it and it's over and the reason the family didn't write back is they got to deal with

You know little cousins they go like fuck. Okay He's so excited about this goddamn gecko then they're thinking we got to go buy a lizard So I don't think they were thinking what a terrible lie. They said like, god damn, this little lizard died on the worst day possible. Then mother-in-law wrote, the only question I have about the family, and maybe this is a Utah thing, but is sending flowers a pic of them

the same as actually sending flowers nowadays? If so, that's insane. I will send a JPEG of photos to everybody I know and get credit for it. That'd be great. That'd be great if you could do that with any present. Yes. Just be like, motorcycle. Do you love it? Yeah. Hey, my man, I got you an Xbox.

Hey, buddy, you know, I sent you the photo. I send you a photo of everything in my room. So but Sarah, where are we at? Did you win? Did you lose? This is a heck of an update, but I'm, I don't know to celebrate or feel bad for it. Well, what is your vibe, Sarah? Do you feel like you got away with it? Yeah. Well, I haven't seen them in person yet. The dot dot dots really threw me off.

Oh, they, what do you mean? They started to and then stopped? Well, no, in the text, if they said, oh no, so sad, fine. But they did, oh no, dot dot dot. Yeah, they did like a, oh no. But so what is that dot dot dot? What is that? Well, there wasn't a question marker. So what does that mean?

Will you read their- This is the problem with text punctuation. I know. It's so hard to read, but to me, it's a little more like, okay. Yeah. It's like that. Yeah. That's what you think. So too, Sarah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, cause my, but I overthink everything. My response, cause I do really wild punctuation in my tech sometimes. I'll do a dot dot dot before the word. Sometimes I'll do like a hyphen hyphen. Yeah. What are you trying I'll do a dot dot dot before the word.

Sometimes I'll do like a hyphen hyphen. Yeah. What are you trying to say with a dot dot dot before the word? Not thinking about it, my man. Just the fingers are going fast. You know what I mean? Okay, that's weird. No, the dot dot dot is a pause to me.

So it'd be like, so sad, dot dot dot, tough day. You know, it's like like basically you're writing a script and you write like parenthetical beat here's here's what i think you would want to read this is what you'd want to read oh no exclamation point that's terrible period no worries obviously you're right we just hope that you're okay exclamation point Sarah. How how old is the person who put the dot dot dots? Has to be like 50 Okay, then you're in the clear. I think I by the way Kevin. I think you might be right Yeah, I think it's more of just because then they told yeah, but then they told their parent like the mother-in-law

Yeah, but then they told their parent like the mother-in-law if the mother-in-law seems to be believing she's believing for sure I look either way here. We are I mean, there's not much you can do now the goose is cooked Maybe there is dead. Maybe there whoa, by the way, you just started a new Christmas tradition The gecko's dead the goose is good good And we got three presents left before Santa dies. So, Sarah, is there anything you're looking for at the end of this? Are you done with this? Do you want one last?

You trying to prove a point? Where are you at? How do we end this? For some reason, I just figured once I told my husband's uncle that it would just die there. The fact that he told the rest of the family, I feel like now this is just a lie. I'm going to have to live with the rest of my life. Yeah. I could guarantee a win here. You're, are you, are you saying I've got a winner? You're are you now you saying I got a winner. You're going to pitch. I'm going to pitch. I love you, Sarah. This is now going to be in your family forever.

This happened. This might come up in six years. So we got to figure out a way to just keep your bulletproof. Come December, you gift the little boy a gecko. Okay. So nobody talks about the one that died mysteriously after you tried to sell one. There's no conversations of like, Sarah's a super weird lady. Well, okay.

She's a generous lady. But then I'm out $300 still. You're out $300. Yeah, but guess what? You got to buy him a gift anyhow. No, I don't. He's my husband's cousin. $300 still. You're out. Yeah. But guess what? You got to buy him a gift anyhow. No, I don't. He's my husband's cousin. So here's the thing.

OK, by the way, fact, it seems like you rather it's I guess you're comfortable with the situation over spending $300, which is totally fair. I got something. The show will buy the Gecko. Whoa $300, okay You know what the show? We will use some of that goddamn Rocket money calm and what if we bought the Gecko for the kid in December Kevin? You're the dad of the show

Can we buy a Gecko? He's not the dad of the show. He's about 20 years younger than us. He's my dad. Stop it. The dad of the show. You're two decades older than him, Gareth. Jake, first of all, I play young. You know this. Stop it. You look young too. Stop it. I thought he was our boss.

No. No. Kevin's not our boss? Gareth, the way we look this way is one thing. If you saw us behind, there's just a huge glare in both our balls. Kevin has a full head of hair, but back here, you and me, it's just bright white, just reflecting the light right there. I thought he was our boss.

No. If we can't afford a $300 gecko by December, we have bigger problems. So I'm going to say yes, we can. So then, okay, so then here's how I say we frame it. The way I say we frame it is that you buy it now, we'll reimburse, hold on. And you say to them, Oh, she doesn't want the gecko all this time. But I, that's the way, but let's get as much out of it as we can. You say, Hey,

just so you know, I've been so bereaved over this. I replaced the gecko. Oh Gary. Sarah, come on the Gecko. Oh, Gary. Sarah, come on, bail me out. Everyone's laughing. All right, Sarah, what are you doing? No, I don't. I'm, we are, the problem is we're still selling our house. Yeah, no, Gary.

The problems why I got rid of the Gecko are still very much in my life. Okay, so, Sarah, back to where? Cancel the, hold on, cancel the house sale. You're not selling the house. No, no. You're gonna need to wait a year. You're not selling the house. You could eat away a year. Back to planet Earth, Sarah. I would say you can bring up to them later,

talking about November, if you guys, or you could say if you guys are still thinking about it, that could be something that maybe we could get as a gift for them, but it would be, I really miss our gecko, I'm still really sad about it. It would be nice to have one in the family. You can even send that as a text to them to which they could then even say like, oh, that's really sweet, but that's okay.

Just to really button it up, a nice thing, end it here, no more get-go talk. What do you think, Sarah? Are we out of line? No, that sounds like a good plan. Are you going to do it? Yeah. I mean, you're getting a free Gecko. I, I look, I'm not trying to be rude, but your attitude for getting a free Gecko,

you're pretty muted right now. What I want to see is some fist pumping and some, well, it's not like we're giving away like a Honda Accord. We're pretty much Oprah with lizards. You get a free Gecko. Yeah. You get a free Gecko. Everybody who calls him today, we're getting you again.

Under where the whole five thousand dollars so Sarah will you let us know what happens when you follow up with them and if you decide to go this route. Will will get you the money for the get go sounds like a good and the way we're gonna do it we're not just sending you money we doing it really weird. You're gonna send us the receipt from like, geckos.com. Yeah, you're not gonna screw us. And then we really want to know that this gecko's going to this little guy. We want to see the gecko with today's paper. Period. We're not idiots. Now if you want the free gecko, just take a picture with today's paper. We're not dumbasses.

Sarah, we appreciate the call. Thanks for following up. Thanks, Sarah. Thank you. Bye-bye. Bye. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds.

The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. And the associate producer and editor is AJ McKee. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakeo and our video editor is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at Oliver Raleigh.com That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com. The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to garethrentz.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland, you can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland

2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.