We're Here to Help - 89: Wanted Read or Alive with Derek Waters and Luka Jones

Episode Date: June 20, 2024

Jake, Gareth and special guest Derek Waters talk to callers about tarantulas and try to find someone ripping up books. Later, the guys and special guest Luka Jones chat with a caller about naming your son Garland and follow up the second caller from 10 “Spaghetti Again with Damon Wayans Jr.”Pics discussed in the episode:Spider picUniform picWant to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] (Early Access, Bonus Calls and Q&As): Patreon.com/HereToHelpPodVIDEO: Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. All right, Gareth and Kevin. Jake, Kevin, we are back. Here we go. Well, Kevin, first, your lovely wife. Thank you. They're doing some, we just got an email last night. She's creating more merch. Kevin, the floor is yours

New merch comes out on Monday. We have a couple of very new exciting items Lee has been cooking up for the last few months and we all looked at him last night and Gave her the thumbs up. So keep an eye out for that on Monday and I saw that Gareth Gareth is in a fight with somebody in his hotel room and he didn't want us to see. Yeah, you are. You went like that. No. No, because, man. OK, yeah. So I've been Chattanooga and I put the privacy thing on and the maid just walked in with bold confidence. And to see this set up, to see this set up is, you know, not great.

But with the privacy up? It's a button and I hit the button. The privacy button is on, but but it wasn't. It wasn't on the door handle thing. But yes. And sometimes, first of all, those things don't stick on doors well, but also sometimes with the privacy button, I think it resets at a certain point during the day because I had recently.

A maid walk in when I was... So embarrassing. Naked yoga. Wait, is that a true story? Swear to God. Put some underpants on. Kevin, can we send them some me undies? Yes, they hadn't arrived yet.

Why would you nude, why would you do nude yoga in a hotel room? It's because it's your own little. I'm not going to get into it. I'm in my room. I'm like Martin Sheen at the beginning of Apocalypse. Now it's not OK. But is that true? Just about true.

You to do. Yeah. You just even like are you on the floor? Do it because you've got to be on the towel. Oh, a towel. OK. So there's a towel. There's a that makes more sense. OK. Yeah. That still it was carpet in a hotel room. Yeah. No, no. That is gnarly stuff my king but it was still bad it's pretty gross so that's so i was

my hand gesture was very like please no yeah i'll tell you what's really changed hotels for me and i haven't shook it is i saw some video where they did a blue light and the amount of semen on like the bed covers. I was like, and mind you, they might have heightened it for whatever stupid thing I was watching at five in the morning when I was going through like a weird phase. But now every time I go in there, I'm like, now I got to think of like some random comedian doing naked yoga. And I'm like, what have you guys done in these random rooms? But you'm not making semen, I'm doing yoga. But you, Gareth, if it's one person, then you've got to assume it's thousands of people. I'm not assuming it's you, I'm assuming it's anything.

The semen on everything is a... This is nasty and we have a caller in the waiting room, so talk about our guest. Sorry. So we have Derek Waters is coming in today. Derek Waters is one of my closest buddies. I love the guy. He is the creator of Drunk History. He is an unthinkably funny dude. We were in the same group when we were first coming up in LA together and I love him. He's hilarious. I think you guys are going to love these calls. And Garf? I would say watch Drunk History if you haven't

and without further. We also have Luca Jones coming out who is also incredible. He's really funny. He does a call with us. This was earlier, so we didn't do kind of interviews with people, but we got some really funny calls and that's why we put them together.

And I think you're gonna really enjoy it. And without further ado. Further ado. Hey everyone, producer Kevin. We look at a few pictures once again throughout this episode, so if you'd like to see exactly where those pictures are in the video, just click on the link in the description and it will take you right to the images we looked at.

Enjoy the episode. Hi. Hi. How are you doing? I'm good. How are you? I'm doing great. I have a very old friend with us and that old friend is not just Gareth Reynolds.

Hello. It is the creator who helped launch my goddamn career as well as probably like 30 people. Yes many friends of show. It is the if many friends of show it is what we used to call this the man with the spider web because I used to be able to go to an audition and say and I told you this but I'd say out loud hey you know Derek Waters and about three heads would pop up. It is Mr. Derek Water. Hey, how are you doing? Yes.

I'm good. Nice to meet you guys. Yeah. So this will be a special one for me in the show. I love you, buddy. Love you. Thank you. So, Derek, I love you guys, too. I love you, Gary. Thank you. I love you, Derek. I love you, Derek. I like you a lot. Hey, Jake, buddy. Love you. Thank you. So, Derek, I love you guys, too. I love you, Gary. Thank you. I love you, Derek. I love you, Derek. I like you a lot, Gary. Hey, Jake, I love you, buddy. Kevin, I love you, man. Derek, I love you.

Jake, I love you back. I love you so much, man. I've got a lot of affection for you. All right, man. I'm not ready for love. Love you, Kevin. It's only been 20 years. OK, it's crazy. What do you think? I love you, Gary. Yeah, weirdo. What is it? What a creep. Just do a call for God's sake. This asshole effect is disgusting. I love you. Yeah, weirdo. What is Great Call for this asshole effect disgusting Derek wants a Our first guess yeah smart first guess to ask for pen and paper and so can we get your name, please?

Yeah, I'm Maddie Maddie. I'm Maddie and with a D or T D Maddie How old are you Maddie hi Maddie and with a D or T a D Maddie, uh, how old are you Maddie? Uh 19. Oh, you're just a freaking kid. Yeah, you haven't even started this game Yeah, okay, and where are you calling from my mother's womb? Uh, you're a baby Oh you said new york Yeah, but I live in florida like i'm just here for school

Uh, where are you what school you going to in New York? I go to Stony Brook in Long Island. Nice. And where are you from in Florida? Gainesville. Tom Petty. Is that where he's from? Yeah. So you're from Florida and what are you studying in New York? I'm doing marine biology.

Wow. And what do you want to do with your degree? You want to look at whales? Easy, that's a good question Jake. I know Jake. Okay very familiar with the ocean obviously Just really flexing that muscle. What do you want to do? Look at whales? What do you all well lady? What do you got? So let me tell you this watch out for the sharks. I know everything about the ocean You know a lot of those fish can't breathe on land sharks. I know everything about the ocean. You know, a lot of those fish can't breathe on land. So Maddie from Florida, living in New York, studying whales from Gainesville. What can we do for you today?

Yeah. So my mom won't stop buying tarantulas and like other. Dookie. It turned out I got one. I got one in the pet and I was like excited about it and then Maddie I'm sorry Maddie just give us a second because you're really Fucking banger You're moving on real fast because when someone says my mom won't stop buying tarantulas It makes me feel like I'm watching a Jerry Springer episode and I just turned on the channel and that's

You know what it actually does it brings me happiness. It brings me joy. Same. It's such a great problem We just found a treasure chest and I'm so excited to open it And that's I think that's why I love the callers and the base for this show Yes, is because you guys are as much lunatics as we are Yes, all right, so this is happening to you, Maddie How old were you when you first got your transfer your first tarantula? Yeah, I think it was like two years ago So like 17, okay, okay, so you're 17, but that was the first family tarantula What was the tarantulas name Maddie yeah your word tarantula one minute in. What was the tarantula's name, Matty?

Yeah, your first tarantula. Can we get a name, Matty? Hold on, for in post, John, when you do this, every time the word tarantula's mentioned, would you do a count? A tarantula counter, absolutely. So really quick question. At 17, what inspired you to get a tarantula?

Honestly, I watched a video and I thought that they were cool and they would be a fun pet. They are cool. They are cool. And how long do tarantulas live? Is the first one still alive? Honestly, I watched a video and I thought that they were cool and there would be a fun pet They are cool. And how long did you answer was live is the first one still alive? Are these like turtles? Yeah, so so the the boys live like five six years But part of the problem is the females live like 30 That is a problem. What a great little system the female tarantulas have they've got it lord out They're also very fragile if you drop them they'll break is that is true wait is this true yeah not shatter but you'll kill them if you drop right okay shadow would be great I thought Jesus I

thought I like my vase it's a spider careful don't walk here barefoot I dropped a spider but aren't spiders whole thing is that they like go on a little string and go down yeah can't be like ooh. I'm coming to That's why they have the string yeah, yeah, so there's a female tarantula lives for 30 years The boys are five six seems like a fair split and so is the one you got at 17 are we talking about a boy or a girl? That's a girl. Oh, so you're on year two. You got 28 more years. That's your What's her name? No, I'm dating I named him Sven before I realized it was a girl and then I never changed it

Then there's a cool name. So one day your kids are gonna be taking care of Finn Okay, and then what happens after that the your mom sees Finn Picks it up realizes it's cool and wants to buy one. Um Kind of you can't expand neuter tarantulas, right? I can let me know if you need me But would that be an issue if you got a boy and a girl because you have a bunch of baby tarantulas Well, they all stay separate because they look at each other. I got you. They fight. Okay, so keep going So then you got Finn the family thinks Finn is cool Then talk to us about mom

All right, so he has like a prescription for ambient and whenever she takes it she shops online just about whatever we were talking about Ordered a bunch of tarantulas Maddie when did this start this starts like maybe three months after we got done. Okay. So two years, three months. No, one year, nine months. Okay. It's still. You have it, you need to subtract.

Can I just say, has anything tragic happened in your family in that time? That's interesting. Was there a big trauma? There's something that she's covering up with tarantulas. She's trying to fill the hole inside with a thousand tarantulas. We all watch horrors. We all watch interventions.

We know where it starts. Is this a, the music goes like, Mom didn't hug her, now she has 800 tarantulas. You've heard it a million times, Maddie. Is that a very relatable issue? So really quick, really quick Maddie, can we get some backstory on mom? Sure. Is mom with dad?

Where's mom at? Yeah, she's with my dad. How's mom and dad? How's that relationship? Has it been under any strain since you started throwing tarantulas into the relationship? Yeah, does daddy like those? They she started throwing tarantulas into the relationship? Yeah, does daddy like They both like It takes forever to feed them because you have to like individually feed them

So they make cute little like the parents. Oh wait, hold on. So are you the youngest? I am Maddie and can we get a number guys? You mean you you miss the you have siblings. No, she's the younger. I have an older brother. Right. Now they're the baby. Yeah, leave the house. Yeah. Mom gets a bunch of tarantulas. She needs to feed. This one's named Maddie, too. Yeah.

And their responsibilities, they last about 30 years. You know what you think in 2024 when you have a baby? Well, I'll be paying this for about 30 years. Right. Because it used to be college. Now it's about the length of a female tarantula Well, what do you think of that theory Maddie is mom trying to hold on to you and your youth by buying tarantulas on ambient Are you ten tarantulas and let's not overlook the ambient detail? I know it's a delightful twist that I never heard in the ambient disclaimer in the commercial may buy tarantulas

the ambient disclaimer in the commercial. Agree. May buy tarantulas. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha a problem before at one point she ordered plants and they were coming to our house for like six months Yeah, but okay. So mom but mom just takes sleeping pills drips out and buys weird shit So now what do you got? Yeah, so now one thing we got we got a little backstory on mom We know a little bit about maddie. We know emotionally what it could be. Uh, uh possibly now, uh The question I think we need to know is how many trans clothes does mom have? Yep. I'm excited I haven't like counted but I think we need to know is how many trans clothes does mom have yeah, I'm excited I haven't like counted, but I think we're around 25 Real life Yeah

I'm gonna need you before we're gonna take a little moment and when Derek first walked in today What'd you say Derek about the validity of callers? How many are real or how can you tell if they're real? So then I said well what we'll do at a moment That's crazy is and this is what I'm gonna ask you Maddie Will you next time you're at your mother's house and it'll be before we air this Will you send a photo of the tarantulas your face in it? Yes, but so that we can post during the video of this on YouTube at this moment the photo of all the tarantulas

We will know the facts if that photo never comes, but this one feels very real this feels But when we that'll be part of this so you will see the tarantulas so mom has 15 to 30 tarantulas Correct. Yeah, 30 tarantulas. Okay. All right. So where are they housed? What are we putting the do they have individual cages? Individual cages? Yeah, individual cages in my parents room, like on shelves in your parents room. Incredible. This is how they have friends that come over. Do they know less?

They know we have. We have some friends who won't go into the rooms with the spiders and them. What's what's the trepidation all about? Wait, so now let's get, so now we're all set up. Yes. Maddie, what is the question for the call? I guess it's just like, how do I make sure she doesn't buy more and in an ideal world, maybe like rehome some of them so I don't have to deal with them in 20 years.

It is a great, I'm still absorbing the problem. The problem of your mother being a tarantula holic is very difficult to process. But here we are. So yeah, so we're talking about how do we stop further tarantula purchases and how do we probably get rid of some of the tarantulas? Yes. Yeah. Cause he's really attached to them too. Of course she is because he's really attached to them too. Of course she is. But she's attached to them. So what does she like put, she's like holding them,

and I mean there's 30. So she's taking them out, she's holding them, your father's also holding them. They're probably in that, they might be in the room tarantula banging. I don't want to take it to a gross place. I'm gonna throw this up. They're separated, yeah, go ahead.

Maddie, you know, a lot of things happen when people go to college. They find themselves, they learn things about themselves. There is a couple people in the past that have gone to college and come back with arachnophobia. And you could be diagnosed with arachnophobia and say you can't come into the house anymore. Because I'll tell you what mom wants more than 30 tarantulas is Maddie.

30 Maddie. At least one. Is that possible? She would rather get rid of 30 tarantulas for one Maddie. 30 Maddie is a great pitch we might not be able to achieve. I bet she wants 30, but I think that is an excellent starting pitch Maddie, and that is, is an excellent starting pitch, Matty. And that is you are feeling afraid. So when you go home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, summer, you go,

there's so many tarantulas, mom, that I don't feel comfortable being in the house. I'm going to go to a fucking holiday in Express and she'll go, no, not the one off the highway. You engage her and you'll go, I feel safer in that neighborhood where they're literally smelly, smoking crack than being around 30 tarantulas. I like that. And if you wanted to even, okay, let's say that doesn't work. Okay. I like that as a starting point, right?

What else you got? You fake a bite and that pushes that forces the hand a little bit more into the rehousing. Or that starts it. So you, you make a bite with your, wait, do you have yours in New York with you or are they all in Florida? They're all in Florida. Okay. You got to do it there.

You fake a bite and then you say, now I'm afraid. God, it's just, their room sounds like where Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie banged. Yeah. It really is. Is, it really is there What is the aesthetic of the room? Is it like a regular parents bedroom with 30 to rain? I know it's not tarantula themed they don't have like But are they like is there like a black light? they have a strong like in an aquarium when you look at the penguins and you're like, you don't hear like

You don't hear like If they are I've never had a bigger in my life Do they have vials of blood each other's blood around their neck if I could go on a one-night stand with a woman Oh, we're fang and go home with her and we walk into a room and there are 30 tarantulas. Yeah dim lights steamers smoke machines Yeah, and you go like what the fuck and she goes like let me slip into something more comfortable I've never

been more turned on in my life I definitely not leaving no I'm like this is in I feel like I'm literally in the fucking jungle now what if she says to you she while you bang she wants to put a tarantula on your back for okay all right just curious where your line is even if she says should I take one out

past the truth is I wouldn't go in that bedroom because I'm a sissy Maddie. I Was a fake thing for the podcast. I'm a skate. I'm afraid of spiders Maddie Maddie, so we've got a fake a bite fear of spiders in that world What do you think would really happen with your mom? I Don't know if she would believe it because I'm kind of the one who pushed for the spiders in the first place Okay, okay. I don't think you're wrong. So I've got a question for you What about having a heart-to-heart with your mom about her tarantula addiction?

Okay, like an intervention an intervention and go and look honey. We all love tarantulas How many are you gonna have in this fucking house? You can have 500 tarantulas What is the end is a great a very fair it is fair to say what's going on? I would think three tarantulas is a lot of trance it is yeah And then you go some would say ten tarantulas is too many tarantulas You're talking about 30 and you go mom when does it end and get her actual? 30 and you go mom when does it end and get her actual? Sober also what let me ask you this first. What is do you think dad likes this or dad is tolerating this tolerating? Probably closer to tolerating. Yeah, why don't you get dad on your side for this intervention then?

He's not gonna stand up against the woman who just bought 30 tarantulas. What do you think? Does he have? I don't know. I can maybe get my brother on my team. Okay. I would go. I think dad would do one of these. Hey, you know the reality is I think she's happy with her tarantulas. So let's not talk about the tarantulas.

Let's talk about anything else in New York. And you'd go, dad, you live in a house with 30 tarantulas. And he goes, hey, it could be worse. How? It could be 50 tarantulas. Could be homeless. Could be homeless. Your wife. What could be worse? How could be worse? Your wife could be worse how could be worse your mom could leave me

Maddie live with trian Toulouse then live alone Maddie can I ask you? What has your mom when you like mom? What is that the front porch like is she like yeah? I got is she embarrassed at all like cuz I'm thinking Maybe you have in your glove box if these don't work you go to Ambien and you say that that's an issue Yeah, yeah, cuz that is that is that is if Charlie Sheen called it the devil's drug. I agree Ambien and said like you're creating a bad situation a loss. What if this shuts to Ambien and said like you're creating a bad situation? This is a lawsuit.

What if this shuts down Ambien? What if this got rid of Ambien? So Matt, Maddie, I think where we're kind of leaning is go to your brother and have a come to Jesus moment with your mom about these spiders because she's She's obviously got a hoarding issue and I got to say like I could make some calls to people at A&E We could have a camera crew there by honestly Monday. Oh, yeah Tarantula hoarders. I mean that's episode of hoarders. I've ever seen Yeah, what if now we try to convince me to keep them so we can make a show. Yeah

So Maddie here's something you could do here's a pitch You could post online in Craigslist Gainesville free tarantulas. Oh boy must prove That you're gonna be a loving home. So it's like, you know, you have puppies but people want free tarantulas in Gainesville Craigslist, I mean that's Every day is like get in line. Yeah. Yeah, but if there's not one it's a hot market Yeah, everybody thinks you think reptiles are tarantulas. Yes, right So I bet you could get some interest and then when I would say to mom is you go Hey mom, what's the end goal with tarantulas and I'll tell you what she's gonna say and I

75% confident she's gonna go. Oh tarantulas and I'll tell you what she's gonna say and I'm a 75% confident She's gonna go. Oh, I mean I I don't want 30 I already have too many and you she goes I just I feel so sad and I've been you go Well, I found 18 people who are willing to take them and then you'll only have 12. Oh, well what? You just you just said you have too many. So I have found homes. These are the people this is the situation They're all coming today at 6 pm to get their trans girls Then you can have 12 and you never buy another one. Is that good mom? And then your mom there then your mom's gonna have to say well what I miss you

When you moved out my life ended New york's changed you and why'd you have to go so far? I want to know, I'm going to take a sleeping pill and buy 40 transulas! What do you think, what number of transulas would you be comfortable with, Maddie? I don't know, maybe like 10 and under, ideally. 10 and under, okay, so then Jake, I think Jake's pitch kind of works into that a little bit, right? And what you could also do is, you could also donate, I bet you could find like an insect place, obviously, in Gainesville. Or schools. You could also donate the I bet you could find it like an insect place Obviously in gain schools or schools, but if my thinking on them They found like a place that'll take 20 in like an insect place

You could maybe have like a little an area named after your mother as an homage that would make her feel Oh and special. Yeah, so in honor of yes your mother these have been donated Yeah to blank. Yes Now I don't know if there's a hot market for tarantulas. I don't either easy to make They're not like you know they're not like panda bears. Where does your mom buy them from great question um? There's like a name Jeff with a G. Oh, she doesn't even know yeah, oh Jeff Some kind of it's like man every night at 3 a.m.. She's I get about five waters. Hey, honey

Just bought three more trench. Look you get the girls waking up the next day going to your email and being like oh god Troy I just bought four more tarantulas last night. I don't even remember it so Maddie what do you think about looking on Craigslist? What do you think about looking at different? insect places or whatever Schools or any place that would take them even a place that might take them and dissect them science stop it Anywhere that you could unload these you do the legwork you and your brother go to mom and say mom I think you got a problem and we have a solution and we got to stop buying friggin tarantulas Is that something you might try?

Yeah, I think finding somewhere if I could like donate them that would be cool But I think you have to do the homework on that and it's gotta be local. I don't know if they have Tarantula, you know, what are they called? We're like, I don't know if they have tarantula, you know, what are they called? Where, like, I don't know. All like beagles that don't have homes, they all go to like a beagle. Yeah, like, yeah. Rescue a beagle rescue if they have tarantula rescues.

If not, we got to show sanctuary was a sanctuary is what I was looking for. But you could also look for like tarantula sanctuaries. I'm sure they would also have some reptiles down there. They have some weird lizards and some dragon with three legs. So I would look in that direction, and then you gotta confront Mom, because this shit's gonna get out of control. She's gonna keep doing it.

Yeah, and the idea of having 1,000 tarantulas, honestly, pretty soon what's gonna happen is the Gainesville police are gonna go to your house. Sure. Because if I'm a neighbor, and I know some weird lady has 50 tarantulas, and I talk to her and she's all fucking knocked out on ambient. I'm calling the police. Yeah I'm calling the goddamn police. She is not shooting straight. Her eyes are all fucking fuzzy. She's in a gown outside

Yeah, and I go like this. I'm telling my wife that fucking weirdos got about a thousand tarantulas in that house I'm having it knocked down. Yeah So Maddie you're doing this cuz you love your mom. We gotta get rid of those tarantulas. Yeah, I Wait to see the tarantula counter the fact that we've said tarantula so many times that we're not even laughing anymore but I mean we've it's really just jumped into our our Verbiage Maddie. We appreciate all good luck. Good luck with these tarantulas. Yeah, thank you Seriously, Maddie. Good luck at school. Yeah, good luck at school. Stay focused This episode of we're here to help is sponsored by Philo

Philo's got current seasons of the shows that I like to watch that Gareth likes to watch on networks like A&E, MTV, Discovery, and TLC. You got classics like The Office, you got Martin, you got Friends. It's hard to get sick of those and you got incredible originals on AMC Plus from Mad Men to Orphan Black, Garf Man. And if you have kids, sometimes I'll watch Peppa Pig, you know what I mean? They've got tons of shows. And best of all with Filo, you get all this for just 28 bucks a month. What I like about it is there's no contracts, there's no hassle. It's just one subscription and a world of entertainment. And don't forget love after lock up Jake. Fantastic. Fantastic. Strictly underrated show so go to philo dot TV slash Gil sent me that is

Philo dot TV Slash Gil sent me to start watching and check it out now for a free seven day And Jake, you know this podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. I've mentioned before my website is Squarespace. We've built a website for some of our callers through Squarespace. Very easy and it just keeps getting better and better. There's a fluid engine, which I know you love, Jake. You can build your online store. There's a fluid engine, which I know you love, Jake. You can build your online store.

There's blogging tools. It's just very user-friendly, and it gives you basically everything you would want in a website, and you know it's easy to use if I have my website through it. I saw a big uptick on my Squarespace website, kevinbartelt.com, so I just wanna say thank you to everyone who went to my website after hearing our ad. Pretty cool. Thanks everyone.

That would be like me being like, if you want to see me on the road doing standup, go to garethrentals.com, which is also Squarespace. Guys, we are currently doing one ad. That's what I'm saying. So listen, if you're into websites, you're into a business, whatever it is, go to www.squarespace.com slash Gil sent me. Remember Gill, to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain by using the code, Gill sent me. Go there.

And Jake, we are brought to you by Cremeow. Cremeow is a rich, lathering, hydrating body wash, multi-layered fragrances. We love Creamow. You've been a big fan for a little bit. You've been pushing this one. I have. I'm glad. That's why I was so glad they came on board.

You know, when I go on the road, I'll put a little bit in the old travel one and I use Creamow. And I flew to Australia, took 25 hours. And let me tell you, that shower after was cream wow, if you know what I'm saying. And your thing is, and I've noticed the smell in the studio, but you've got a bourbon vanilla tint to you. It's a bourbon vanilla body wash. I'm glad you noticed.

It's vanilla. The bourbon's another thing. Yeah, that's scary. I've got a warm beer, vanilla body wash. But yeah, so we love CremeOw. Look, you can find CremeOw men's body wash in its new distinctive bourbon vanilla scent at Walmart or walmart.com.

Once again, that's Walmart or walmart.com. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hello. Hey, how are you? Oh my gosh, I'm doing good. How are you? Good. We're excited to have you. Yes. We've got a fun one.

This is wild. I'm a teacher on my lunch break and I feel like I'm a kid skipping school. Yes. Smoke a cigarette. Yeah. Throw a rock through a window. Jake, easy. Sorry.

Employment's important. I'm going back to my school days. Yeah. Can we, so before we get started, can we get started? Cigarette yeah throw a rock through a window Jake easy I'm going back to my school day. Yeah, can we so before we start I used to throw rocks through windows. Yes a Lot of you got in big trouble, too. I wonder why It was awesome. They frown upon that it was awesome to hear the fucking crack. Yeah, sure It was satisfying man felt like you were doing something. Yeah, sure. It was satisfying, man. Felt like you were doing something, man. Sure. We've got a special guest on today, the creator of one of my favorite shows of all time, actually,

that was created in the Rowena apartment, 3120 Rowena Avenue, getting drunk together, me telling you an Otis Redding story, me thinking I was blowing your mind, the next day you saying hey can I come over and Have Jeremy Connor and we'll film you till that's such a great origin story for a show that did so well Yeah, just be and the wrong for you to be drunk talking bullshit and for Derek to be like this And then I say what why do you want me drunk retelling it? He goes because I want to have actors reenact it and then I want Otis Redding to be behind you

and say, hey, what were you saying? And then you just shake his head like, this never happened. And that was the beginning of drunk history. You've got the great Derek Waters on the call. Hey, hey, hey. Whoa. That's right. Thank you for being a teacher.

Thank you for being a teacher. Thank you for being a teacher. And in many ways, Derek, you were a teacher. Oh, thank you. Derek taught history. Spreading knowledge in a different way. So can we get your name, please? Yeah, I'm Sarah, and I'm calling from Seattle. You are Sarah, calling from Seattle?

Yup, that's it. And you are a teacher, and what age group do you teach? I teach high school English. Oh, can you show them an episode of Drunk History? Yes, that's very it's related to English. What was the most shows in English? What was the most English

you have like great writers on that you get in the history of somebody? I'm sure you did something on Faulkner. You did something on Hemingway. I bet you did all those guys. I don't remember. Yeah. Derek was drinking beer again too. All right, Sarah.

We did Shakespeare. There you go. Show them the Shakespeare episode. Will you show them, please, would you show that class an episode of Drunk History Shakespeare so that you can be the coolest teacher of all time? Because it is history. It is, it's true.

I would love to, and then when I get fired, I can call back and you can help me find a job. No, Jake will come to Seattle and we'll throw rocks through the windows. Yeah. So what is the problem? What can we try to help you with? Yeah, so it's book related.

My husband and I. Well you got the three right guys for that. Combined we've read eight. Yeah, my nickname is Audible. Yeah. My you got the right guys for that Nickname is audible. Yeah And how do you spell reading Sarah Ready and Seattle and book and related because yeah chicken scratch Book related this might be more up your alley because the problem I have is someone in my neighborhood keeps taking books from the free little libraries and ripping them up.

What a piece of shit! Specific books or just random? Yeah, great question. Might be lit might be political yeah yeah I wondered that too but so far there's no pattern it's not a raccoon like a crazy no I knew but I'm also wondering if it could be a raccoon jumping into that library opening up the door. Have you seen them? Yeah. Well, what is little bears? Love them. I do. They are the funniest of all animals and they're

Fantastic. They're very not with rabies. Oh great. I'll take them with or without We've got a generational raccoons by my house and they come and eat our outdoor cat's food and I've had so many standoffs with me, three raccoons where they're standing up and I'm doing the, yeah, yeah. And then realize you motherfuckers aren't afraid. I love I've changed my tone.

They also can't see you. Well, they can hear. I mean, I'm right in front of them. OK, they can also sense. The other thing they hate is water. So what you do water guns, water, very smart. This is we film this? I mean, it sounds like this could be some great content for the show or just for us to enjoy.

Called, fuck you, raccoon. Jake out there trying to get rid of raccoons by shouting at them and then using water guns. Yeah. But this is only after I drink a lot. We're back to you, Zach. Sarah, so these books, where in the neighborhood are these books? How high is it to open? You're leaning into the raccoon.

I just want to know. Let's close that door, Jake. Who I want to take out is a kid. I want to see that it's too high for a kid. Could it be a teenager just trying to be funny? Is it one of those? Because we have some in our neighborhood. Is it one of those little poles that kind of goes about four

feet high, then the top is a little box with a glass door and you open it and there's a cute sign that says like neighborhood library. Is it one of those? Yeah. Yeah. It's exactly one of those and it's not mine. It's at the end of our block. So it belongs to one of our neighbors, but it's just like that.

The little pole with like a little house, little box thing. And how are you being notified? She's just going up and seeing the books ripped up. Well, whoever is doing it is not just ripping up the books, but then they kind of sprinkle the pages along the sidewalk for multiple blocks. True piece of shit. Son of Sam.

True piece of shit. So I got my first pitch. Okay, go. Oh, okay. You're gonna have to go a little bit backwards Financially to go forward and catch this creep and humiliate him. He's pitching. I also have a similar version Go ahead ring camera. Yeah Yeah, I was gonna say even though put a camera and then you get the images of his fucking dorky face reaching in and you post them all over

on every corner the black and white especially around the free library and you say wanted this fool stop ripping books you goober red or alive yeah and what we're red or alive yeah thank you Derek Jake was gonna gloss over that thank you I know I had to stop him but also Sarah I think out of this picture you make him the cover of a book. Oh And he sees his own image and I like the idea of making the book like a cover with this person's image on it Called the whatever the boy who tore the books. Yes, if he rips that up, it is a real serial killer Yes the books. Yes. Because if he rips that up, it is a real serial killer. Yes. So he can rip up his own face. In terms of paying for this camera, as a teacher, your thoughts are probably not.

I want to spend about 200 bucks on this camera. Yeah, I love buying my own supplies. You could go around to every neighbor and say, this is what I want to do. It is a wireless thing that we charge. Well, I'm willing to charge it and come back. We're only leaving it up at night. Can everybody pitch in? And if everybody on the street spends $10, then we could have this and we could fix this problem.

And I bet everybody will get really excited about it. It will be comedically community building. Yeah. Unless you get to the one house where somebody goes, huh? So then you go very... Someone's ripping up books? No, the other way is you realize it might be a neighborhood mom or dad who's just a weirdo. Yeah. Yeah, I used to be a detective. Well, that's kind of my worry right now

is because I'm starting to be distressing all my neighbors. Like, I was at the little library yesterday and someone across the street said anything good in there and I was like why do you want to know? Why? So you can rip it up and throw it everywhere? Now I feel like some community building might be good. I'm starting to like go the opposite direction and I don't want that. Derek, go ahead. Sarah, um, no Derek you said you used to be a detector? I used to. Not anymore.

But I'm just going to ask some power questions here we used to do in the force. Get ready, sir. Um, who owns this house that has the library? Um. You don't even know their names. Like are they married couples, a single man or woman? I don't know them personally. See, this is fishy.

I don't know their names, but it's an It's an older woman, kind of like a grandma level. But she's a little reclusive. I'm afraid she's like beautiful library. Hold on, Sarah. Detective Columbo's got something. I'm afraid of let's just call her grandma, might be regretting putting the library in her front lawn and does not know how to get rid of it. So Derek's giving you a profile. This could be, this is the Agatha Christie vid. Her in a raccoon.

This is the wildest spin you could imagine. Well, I wasn't, and I wasn't loving the pitch until I heard that the raccooned her in cahoots I'm now I'm actually no, I just think she doesn't know how to say like, you know what? It was fun for a year. Yeah, but since Lawrence passed away take it down Yeah, but she also but the raccoon but you're not it the raccoon doesn't communicate hold on I mean come back to earth Derek's pitch is an older woman put it up once a gun rather than just take it down

She rips up the pages and scatters them all throughout the neighborhood. She needs excitement, Jake. I just wanna be told I'm wrong. I wanna take that out of the equation. Jake, you got that? Okay, all right. So this neighbor that said,

find anything good in there, tell us a little more about this. This is why we spent too much money on detectives. I've always said that too much money on detectives walking around asking questions that are not getting it to the end. So let me ask you another question. What's the best donut in the area? Do you have any good sandwich?

No, this neighbor that said, find anything good in there. What did, what did he or she say? Yeah, he said anything good in there. What did he or she say? Yeah, he said anything good in there. And I will admit I've never seen this neighbor before. Interesting. Thank you. Was he in a cat or a regular outfit or something like that? So did you have a bandit mask?

Is that the guy that has the fuck, fuck books, necktie? Yeah. What does that have to do with anything? Yeah. What does that have to do with anything? Yeah. He has a tattoo that says I hate books and I read them. Wait, we're trying to get to the end here. Enough.

Yeah. So, all right, Sarah, hold on. I got to get us near. I don't know how much of I don't know if there's a better version than trying to give her a camera. I agree. I don't know what else you could do. There's like other weird things, but that one is the best a to b. You need to catch this person doing the act and most likely it is at night or at weird times. Do you know what any idea what time this happens has to be at night, right? She can't know because she's at work during the day who's watching a fucking book go ahead it's usually on

like a Thursday or Friday by the time I get home from work so I don't know okay at night or in the afternoon okay but it's end of week someone's grabbing a book and ripping it up we're gonna try to get you we're listen I think let us see if we can possibly get you a camera somehow. If we can, I think you do the Jake community level organization. Yeah, I do too. I also think after that, you could kind of, if you wanted to get real weird and pull some stakeout shifts and a few people could order some pizza, grow some mustaches. Let me finish. Well, grow some mustaches. You let the wife and the kids know you're gone for a little while

And you're watching this look. I love a fucking big pile of red pistachios, too, but she's a teacher I know that's why you got that's why you got a community There's a community Sarah can't walk around to a bunch of people and say hey want to do a stakeout I wouldn't get too crazy with the community or hopefully we can do the camera because everyone's a suspect Yeah, you know we could do on our show hell. I think she might have done it Why don't we also perfect cover to call in a show and be like hey, there's someone ripping up books for his this every good God damn it Sarah. Where were you the night the last time the books ripped up? I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry. I have had two big coffees and no food. I'm sorry, Sarah. You're just excited that Derek's here

I'm having a good time Your tone is all over the place. I'm having a good time for drunk history, too. It's still a production over Show he needs a new face on the show. Jake. You had a good run You're going like let some of the next generation get involved. I mean you're younger than you a kid after that monologue You're gonna go if you think that's funny. Imagine me drunk talking history Derek remind me to tell you this story about Einstein. It's fucking hilarious Drink after you see how wild ass with my weird bitch on that show What if I get there it got the drinks that I tell them the Otis Redding story

So Sarah I think in closing here's where we're at in reality, I think you got to do the camera I think there's a world where I would start going around to the neighbor, seeing if you could just race up. I don't think this stuff is too expensive. You should get the cheapest of the cheap and you get one that's motion censored. So once it opens, it goes on. I bet you can find one of these on Amazon for under a hundred bucks. I mean, the show could do it. Yeah, I mean, we could do it.

Do you want to just buy her a thing? I mean, it's the way that I hope everyone is suspect and then we could act. All right. So here's so here's what we're going to look into. Give us a week. We are going to try to find a sponsor to do it. If they're not, then we will send you a little something that you can put in there and we can try to get to the bottom. Does that sound right? That's that's amazing. Thank you. You're welcome.

And as a businessman, I fucking hate my partner. Sarah, what I just did was you should have seen part like Jake's eyes died a little bit when I just did out of pocket. He goes like this, well, why don't we spend all the rocket money money? Hey, rocket money. Right? Yeah. Hey, Sarah, we're going to help you get to the bottom of this. We're going to catch the son of a bitch.

And when we catch that son of a bitch, we're going to put him on this show. Absolutely. Derek. Oh, I would love that. The answer. Yes. And if we if we're going to print the books, we will. You're going to print the books and no, Garth, we're not paying for that. And we spent enough. And also when I made a money, Sarah, I guess I just indicated you need any laptops or I think we're not paying for that and we spent enough and also i've made a money sarah we're a podcast does your school need any laptops or ipads because i guess we're gonna do that

yeah well yeah if this is buying back some of the karma from all the windows you broke back in the day thank you so much for the call bye sarah thank you bye sarah thank you and jake we're brought to you by zock dococDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. We've both talked about how great ZocDoc has been for us since we started working with them. It's just honestly, honestly makes finding a doctor, finding an appointment so much easier

after years of struggling. Now you're like, oh, I could actually see a doctor soon. That's really helpful. So yeah, so we love ZocDoc here. We really think it's the best way to find a doctor in your area, in your network, get an appointment. So go to zocdoc.com slash HTH and download the Zocdoc app for free. Then find and book a top rated doctor today. That's

Zocdoc. Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash HTH. Zocdoc.com slash HTH. Hello. Hi. I speak for all of us in that we're great. And that's not just Jake and I, but also our guest for this call. Luca Jones. Luca Jones. Jumping in. You want to intro yourself?

Yeah, good. Take the reins. I'm Luca. You want to intro yourself and I respect it. Yeah, good. Take the reins. I'm Luca Jones. What's your name? Good. All right, great. Luca's got it.

What is your name? What is your age and where are you calling from? By the way, we might have to start a lot of episodes with, I'm Luca Jones. What is your name? I'm Luca Jones. What is your name? All right. What is your name, though?

My name is Ashley. I am 30 and I'm calling from Nashville, Tennessee. Look at you, knowing what we're going to ask. Actually, you are a fucking pros pro. Do you ever feel like you're a county there? And do you call a Nashville, Asheville ever? Are you like, it's my city. Do you ever do that? Can we come back?

Well, maybe more like a toll Like, get out of here. Because she's not. He's saying Ashley. Yeah. Ash, Ashville, Nashville. I'm sorry. Do you ever call? She said she wanted to get.

Well, we talked over. Nashley. I'm Luca Jones. Can we start over? It was more trashy in my college. All right. Trashly. Nice.

Wait, your nickname was Trashley? Only if you like select few. But yeah, absolutely not something I'll use and how come you were called trash Lee? um, I Love a good Malibu back in the day. I would really just When trash Lee gets to drink in another part of your personality comes out Yes, I get it. I can we just admit that we wouldn't have gotten there without my Asheville Hey, Gareth, and maybe you could call it trash Phil. Shut up. All right Thank you, Luca, all right Ashley, what's going on what can we help you with

So my question is am I an asshole for not letting my husband name our son garland Okay, wait Am I an asshole the garland he wants to name your son garland as in like Judy garland Yes, I think does well kind of walk us through Matter a little bit. OK, take your time. So by the way, my husband, by the way, actually, let me just say something really fast, because Gareth gets annoyed at me when I get annoyed. But I want to say you intro to it perfectly.

I know you're going to say this. You did the three things we always ask. You're a listener or you expect you. Second, you said, here's my question. You gave us the log line. I'm into you, Trash. Yeah. Please continue. said, here's my question. You gave us the log line. I'm into you trash. Yeah, please continue. I listened to every single episode. I'm a diehard. You're fucking awesome. And you're making this show more fun to make. So the floor is yours. Thank you.

Perfect. Okay. So my husband's name is Garrett, like Jared and Garrett kind of smushed together. And he's named after his, his grandpa's name is Gary. So it's kind of like an homage to Gary, but something different. And he wanted to keep the tradition going. And it was a hard no for me because I'm not naming my son Garland respectfully to anyone named Garland. Yeah, I agree.

Keep going. Okay. Thank you. Cause he like really wanted to name, like make. I kind of agree. Yeah, I agree. Keep going. Okay, thank you, because he really wanted to name, like make it like a family name. So his second option to that was Johnny, but I kind of vetoed that one too, because our last name is Johnson. So, like I thought he was a kid, Johnny Johnson.

Oh, so he was- I'm just not doing it. Okay, so the family last name is Johnson and they grandpa was Gary. He's Garad. How does Garland? How did we get to Garland? Yeah, because if you mush kind of so the family tradition is to mess with the name a little bit, yes, to kind of go gar something. G.A.R. Yeah.

If only there was like a great name that started with a G.A.R. Just toss a real talk, Ashley, for a second. What do you think of Garrett? All right. What? Jake. But as a real Johnson. OK, it's our Jake. It's the alt title to this podcast. It's amazing. I'm glad I could provide that. Come on, Ashley.

I'm Luca Jones and I'm dying for you. He vetoed that one, though. He doesn't like it. What's up? It's kind of difficult. Like his name, like people are going to I'm sure, Gareth, you can speak to that. People probably get it wrong and call you, Garrett. Oh, yeah, I've been like, oh, it's been hell. I've called him once on this podcast.

Gar Garth Garth, you said that sort of like, OK, so why my dad used to. So why do you want her kid to have that name then? Because there's, you know, misery loves company. Let's really, let's drag the child through this. I mean, and it resulted in me having a strong exterior. You would say, Jake always calls me the man of the show. But Luca. Luca, go ahead. My name was like made fun.

I grew up in like suburban Chicago, mostly. and like sorry and they yeah, thanks, and they were like They made fun of it all the time and then and I wanted to be like Brian and then when I grew up It was okay because yeah, I'm such plays in the NBA Yeah, what was the turn when you started liking the name Luke? Because I've only known you as an adult. Luke is a cool name. No, as an adult, it was a cool name. As a kid, it's hard. Oh, real hard.

Well, it's also that nobody would ever get my name right. Like, they'd never seen my name before, so it became very difficult for like a teacher. But we're kind of actually going in the world of a boy named Sue, right? Yeah, right. So you name a kid Gareth, you name a kid Luca, you name a kid Garad, the kid is going to go through

some stuff with that name that will give them character when they're older. And or trauma. And or trauma, but you are actually saying you want to avoid that. That's what my husband said. Right, but you want to avoid that. Well, he said that he didn't want,

I just, I don't even, okay, not that I don't care. I've had name picked out and it's really cool and it's kind of makes them sound like a little cowboy Well, you're biased hold on that's here Garland Garland Johnson sounds like a prohibition doctor that like gave his friends whiskey Well, you can't do that anymore. Obviously, it's the other way. Trashly, I would love to drink with you in Nashville. So if you come to Nashville, I'd love to do that. When are you going to be there? All right.

Tomorrow or no, no, you keep going. You keep going. So all right, Ashley. So I agree. So what name is a cool cowboy name that you came up with? Okay, so we went with plot twist. He's already born because I just felt bad. Like in hindsight, cause both names he liked were after his

grandma and his grandpa. So you've named the kid. You already, you for, you took control. Well, I was feeling really bad. Like I feel kind of guilty about it. Cause he like really wanted to like name it after a family member, but we went with Walker and his middle name is Adkins, which is his grandpa Gary's last name. And I feel like that's a kind of fair compromise, right?

So his name is Walker Adkins Johnson. So you're thinking Walker, Texas. Yeah, so now I understand the question. Your question, which I like that you said, I got confused. You said, am I an asshole for not allowing my husband, not he wants to name him this, what should I name him? Yes, I have it. So if I am an asshole, how do I reprimand the situator?

How do you fix that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You pop out another and let him name it. Okay, so for starters, let's just talk it out for a second. Does anybody, and look, shoot from the hip, let's just talk it out for a second. Does anybody, and look, shoot from the hip, let's be honest. Does anybody think she's a bit of an asshole

for not allowing the family G-A-R name to be a tradition? Because guess what, Walker Atkins, the grandpa's other, yeah, it's close, but it's not the G-A-R tradition. That tradition was killed with this. But this is also in Nashville. So that's like a fine, fine Walker. Walker Johnson's going to work just what, what was, what was Garrod's reaction?

Was he happy with Walker? How did he take this fight? I mean, it wasn't his first choice, but he's a big football guy. So in his head, Walker Johnson sounds like a good football NFL name. Okay. It would be a lot of things. He could be an MMA guy. He could be an artist. He could be a musician.

He probably not going to be a doctor. No, I don't want a doctor to go like, hey, I'm Walker Johnson. Well, you're like, spread them like in Los Angeles. You know, I mean, yeah, he could do like weird medicine. Yeah, like Reiki. He could do Reiki. Yeah, he does a lot of and goes to Cup. He called her John. I don't want brain surgeon. Yeah, right. He could do Reiki. Yeah, it was a lot of cotton goes cup He cut Walker Johnson brain surgeon. Yeah, no pass, but I don't want Walker Johnson doing cup into me But if Walker Johnson lives in Malibu and goes like dude your energy is out of fucking line, man

Let me put my hands near your ears. I might go like your middle name is Atkins to like this is a cool thing Yeah in this weird galaxy. I guess Atkins, are you going off Atkins? Like losing weight and only eating meat. Yeah. It does sound like a doctor name, right? It's like Norris time. It's the one you get less fat and eat a lot of cheese. So.

You're carrying around a lot of extra blood weight, so we're gonna let some of that out of you. But Ashley, your question is, am I an asshole for not allowing the name Garland? So we need to know, husband was not happy with it, but he deferred because of sports. So where are you guys at now?

Is he liking the name? Is he not liking the name? Has the home vibe changed? It changes with the baby. But has it changed because of the name? No. I feel like it feels right now, but just that he's a little sad that he didn't get to like carry on his tradition and like it's like his mom's grandpa. So it'd be like his mom's

grandpa's name is in there too somewhere. I got you. So here's my, here's my, here's my pitch. Yeah. You won baby one. He won's baby. Yeah, yeah, that's that's Yeah, which was so what if you picked up garland again, hey at a certain point, you know, here's what I gotta say Yeah, this and this we're live That's a loud motor. So I think that was No, that was baby number two man fucking garland byland. By the way, by the way, Walker's eight years old right now. So here's what I got to say. Here's what I got to say, Ashley. He's a he's into it.

He's a dad. He cares. The kids ain't yours. They're your they're not just yours. They're both of yours. Correct. So if you got Walker Atkins Johnson, that's your cowboy name baby number two you create the middle name Let him win the first name and then you're in a bad. My first name is Mark. I was named after an uncle

I've never been it but I am Mark, but it's my mom knew from the beginning It's always going middle name So you could let him win. You could say when you're pregnant, honey, our baby's name Garland. But you know, because you're calling the show, we're on your team, Garland's real name is going to be like, what do you want to name your next kid? Or, or.

Yeah, by the way, everybody does call Jake Mark here in town. Oh yeah, oh yeah, Jake, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a little Hollywood inside stuff there. Anyway, sorry. Um, I, I feel so honored to know that. Yeah. Well, don't tell anyone. We're not going to record this.

Um, I, I, I like the idea that you, what you could do. Yeah. Is like the baby could be called Garland, but you, you say it goes by this or something like that. I also have a, I have another pitch if you want it. But what do you think of that, Ashley? Of course. I'm not gonna lie. I'll say I'm gonna do it to your face,

but I'm totally not gonna do it. Respect. Okay, Garland's horrible. Respect. But you don't have to, I mean, by the way, I'm all for family traditions, but like, that's like a little silly. That's like a jokey one almost, right?

Garland? Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, not the name, the pattern. The pattern is goofy. It's not like just naming after. I totally agree. But this is what I would, it's important to your husband. Yeah.

So you're probably not gonna be able to talk him out of what he views as like a name tradition. So what I think you do is, why not say- Garfield. Why not say- Garfield! Why, yes. What do you think of Garfield? Why not Garfield? Why? Yes. What do they get Garfield?

Well, no, hold on. This is what you do. You feel like that's the same, but just you call his bluff. You come up with a GAR name that there's no way he'll want Garfield named Garfield or Gargargar. I have a boy named here under GAR names, Gard, G A R D.A.R.D. or Garde or Gardeña. So you could pitch an awful G.A.R. name. I think it's a girl one. But there's a bunch.

I understand you could pitch a dog shit G.A.R. name and make him say no to it. Yes. But what if what if he says, yeah, the downside? Well, then if he says, yes, that's way more fun. I think he would chicken out. I think so. He would. So that is all the bluff. That is the call the bluff. There is a would so that all the bluff that that is the call the bluff There is a version. I have a pitch on that. That is a potential call the bluff

But I when I first thought of it was something else. Okay There are certain football players right now that have names like D apostrophe Ferguson right or D apostrophe something. Okay, what you could do is you could do gar or D apostrophe something. OK. What you could do is you could do Gar apostrophe, then the name you want. Yeah.

Like, let's say you like the name Walker and his little brother is Jack. It's Gar apostrophe Jack. And they go Gar Jack. And he just goes, it's just Jack. Just Jack. Sounds like someone who robs your car. It sounds like it's like a Gar Jack.

But Gar John. Listen, those are awful. And I think you I think it still pitches into what I'm. Yes, I disagree. Just be like, look, I want to honor your tradition and give him dog shit. But be serious. Be like, what about Garjan?

So that he'll be like. You mean be serious in tone? Yes. Be serious in tone. And earn it. Make him feel like this is all in earnest. So put it in his court. So it would be like this.

So OK, Jake, you be him. I'll be her. OK. So put it in his court. So it would be like this. So, okay, Jake, you be him, I'll be her, okay? So I'm the husband. Yeah, so listen, I really thought about the idea of Garland. Thank you, yeah. And I love, I don't love that name still. Actually, let's do this.

Luca, you're him. Okay, ready? Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I still don't love the name Garland. I know how important that is to you. Yeah, it's a family thing. I know, yeah. And I, but I do wanna honor that. So I've come up with yes, of course. So I've come up.

Babe, thank you. Babe, thank you. Because I realize we named Walker Atkins like that was. Yeah, we did. Yeah. Okay. This is working. Relax. But here are a couple ideas I have to honor your tradition. Okay. Okay. The first one is Garfield. I love you. Sorry, go ahead. I love you too. The first one is Garfield. Now I know that a lot of people are going to think of the cat. Well, I'm thinking of the president. Wasn't there a president? Yeah, he was shot. He was assassinated. Oh, so that's bad too. Could be bad juju. Well, no, the cat's not that bad, but it keep going. I just worry that people will be like, Hey, he hates Mondays. He's going to ship the other cat to Abu Dhabi. Seems like a fun thing to talk about. The other one, I think what if we take a name that I like, like John, and we give you the GAR homage? So the name is GAR apostrophe John, Gar John.

Oh, I see. Yeah, so Gar John. Why don't we go, okay, so I got another idea. Or we could go another traditional name. We could do like, you know. Or we could just go like Gar Fuckface, right? Yeah, oh, are you doing, are you are you being like you're fucking with me you're trying to get around trying to get around I want to

divorce gentlemen gentlemen wow gentlemen careful Ashley that's the lesson do you think there's anything worse case scenario do you think there's anything in that that feels like it could be between you and the mister if you did this? Yeah, because he's pretty funny. I think we would keep it going for a long time. That'd be my head I would just have the name that I've decided and that we're going with But do you think if you played a game of chicken with him with this name where you did? Garjohn or you did Garfield. Gar-John is great. But if you have you leaned into Gar-John, Ashley, Gar-John.

All the way. And you imagine hearing that as a pitch from your spouse. How about Gar-John? But hold on, Ashley. With an apostrophe. With an apostrophe. In the middle there's an apostrophe that makes it clear to everyone we're compromising.

In the back of your head, you know you have a great two other options with regular names, with Atkins being also his middle name. So you've created a new tradition, and that is Atkins is the middle name as a connection to the family so that in the hospital when the baby's born, you're both playing this Gar-John game and then you go, in my gutter guts. He just doesn't look like a gargoyle. And then the emotion is not going to. Yes, but also he might, nobody would, but also Ashley, when your husband watches you go through this whole process of labor, what the man's job in

that is really easy, what the woman's going through is a lot of torment, pain, pressure, everything to make the family bigger. In that moment, you say, so what do you think? Do you want to go with Garjan or do you want to hear a couple other pitches? Tears are in his eyes. He's holding little Garjan. He just watched you go for 20 hours and he'll go, what do you think? And you go like, what name do you like?

Ashley, what's in the back of your head that you would like for baby number two? Oh, yeah. I only have a girl name. What is it? So hopefully Monroe. Monroe. So do you go like this? We could either name her Gar-John or or Gar-Jone or Gar-Jone or Monroe. And at that moment, yeah, I'm willing to bet a million dollars. He goes, Monroe is pretty. I don't think it seems like the perfect solution.

Yeah, I don't think you can lose. But you go all the way to the end, go ahead, Luca. Monroe, by the way, I think can work across the board. I don't think you need to, do you really, so you don't feel comfortable with, if you have a boy named Monroe? I think that could work. Walker and Monroe could actually work.

I don't know, I've actually kind of been thinking about that. No, just Monroe for the second. Yeah, I think Monroe could feel about it a little bit. I mean, Walker is your older brother, one row for the second. Yeah, I think Monroe is the middle. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yep as a set. Yeah. Yeah Now, what do you think about can continuing the Atkins as the middle? Whoo, I'm not opposed to it. Yeah, so I think Monroe Atkins doesn't flow as good though. So Ashley here's what I'm gonna say and I say this now is your friend

You're a tad of an asshole. And here's why, because you're not an asshole, but you're not. And I, and I don't say that as look, look, I'm an asshole. Oh, I'm a huge ass, but I'm delightful. Well, so, but what you're doing here is you're, you're making it so he can't win. So if you're just want to dominate and pick the names, then you could also just lean into the fact, am I an asshole? And you go, yeah, I'm an asshole.

These are my kids, I have better taste than my husband, and I'm gonna name our children. And he married you, he loves you, he's in, so he's gonna go, what are the names? And he'll go, deep down, my wife's a bit of an asshole in Steam World. If you don't want to be a bit of an asshole, you gotta give him something. I agree. And something doesn't have to be a bit of an asshole, you got to give him something. I agree.

And something doesn't have to be Gar-Joan. I... Give him a middle name. I think what Jake's saying... Listen, you have the asshole card in your back pocket, okay? So you can at some point just fully lay down the law if you have to. I would offer up the GAR solution,

like we're saying. And he's going to pass. Most likely he'll pass. If he doesn't pass and somehow you're going into labor with Gar-Joan's going to pass. Most likely he'll pass if he doesn't pass. And somehow you're going into labor with guard. Joan is going to be your next child. Yeah.

During labor, I think you pull the Jake pitch of the doesn't feel like that. Monroe would be better. Or he's not going to say no to that. Great. How about this? Middle names do not matter. Right. We all know that.

I don't even have a right. So middle names, by the way, you've got some people with the funniest, weird family middle names and when they get older, even as kids, they don't even have a right so man middle names by the way you've got some people with the funniest weird family middle names and When they get older even as kids they don't get teased but they get laughs and bars with like Steve Berg Middle name is what is it Tristan and Cindy? No, I think it's like it's honestly like he's A woman's name. It's when he brought out his ID or something. No And then he goes like Kristen he's like mine literally he goes like it's um You guys are gonna be after the traditional or the Nordic name for a man So what I would say Ashley is I would play with the idea of the chicken until you get to the hospital

Then cuz that's fun. You said he's funny. You guys are gonna enjoy that game the idea of the chicken until you get to the hospital. Then, because that's fun, you said he's funny, you guys are gonna enjoy that game. Oh, of playing chicken, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, of the, we want Gar-Jone, we want Gar-Jone. Or Garfield, I can go Gar-Field. And then in the hospital, when you've got Monroe, maybe have a backup plan,

you should have also talked to him about this. So he also likes that as the alternative name. In the hospital, you go, what I would love to do is while I'm looking at this baby, I'm seeing Monroe Garland Johnson. Are you seeing it too? Go ahead, Luca. Can I go just one level deeper?

Yeah. I can get on board with that. Oh, well then it's all. But I'm just thinking, your dynamic with your husband, what's his name? We haven't got there, what is his name? Garrett. Oh, Garrett.

Garrett, that's right. So is it that you kind of get your way on certain things anyway and he's like pretty fine with it or more than fine with it? I feel like it's the opposite. I am just so kind of like not opinionated on so many things that I'm like, yeah. Well, there you go. Well, there you go.

Well, there you go. No, no, wait. Gareth is shaking his head now. I mean, I feel like, listen, I love you. You're great. She's great. But I feel like you're wearing- You lied there.

I feel like that's what you wanna believe. Or just not self-aware in that way. Yeah, I feel like you wanna believe that, but that's fine. I'll see you later. Well, if that's true, if that's true. When you win here. If that's true, then you're're like can I just have an A

Give me one, please. So so Ashley What do you think about playing chicken for the fun of guard Joan or whatever you want? And then in the moment of you just went through Given labor the baby's trying to breastfeed having a hard time doesn't have a lip tie doesn't have a tongue tie How are you gonna do this your nipples fucking hurt the baby's sucking on him and pissing you off your body feels like shit You just are eating ice chips, and you're like oh and feet again. The nipple is very sore. I don't know if you You're in a world of I'd love to talk more about my nipples on the very sort But yeah, but yeah, mine are sore. They hurt but actually you're in a world of trouble. I'd love to talk more about my nipples on the top. They're very sore. Yeah, mine are sore right now. They hurt. But Ashley, you're in a world of trouble and at that moment you say,

can we please go Monroe Garland Johnson? And I think what he's gonna say is, would you honestly do that for me? And you'd say, I would love to. And therefore you both win. And then we answer the question is am I an asshole and the answer is fuck No, you're not because you gave him what he really Needed not what he thought he wanted. I right. Yes, or even if you are you overcame it in this moment and Yeah, yeah Because nobody needs your first son to be named Garland But to have the family name carried on through a middle name is not only not an asshole But it's kind to his family as goofy as super car tradition super which is a great start to a name

So Ashley, where are you at? How do we end here? What are you feeling? We're for sure gonna play chicken. Cuz I'm hilarious Depending on play chicken because that's hilarious. Okay. Um, depending on the first name we choose, I might be okay with Garland. Okay. Or I even said he could name it like after himself. Like I would get on board with Garrett more than Garland. So you just hate Garland. He said no. Yeah. Well, you want to break his family tradition. No, she, she's okay with the GAR. No, no. But if it's the same name, that's not the tradition That's not the tradition. Yeah, so do you want to hear other GAR pitches? I would love some if you have them just off the car Garlic

Garbage wait have we started? So go in there with some of those I will give you garbage I'm fucking garbage. He can't have that Garlic but he can't touch fucking guy Garlic and you can pitch there's hyphens in these and they're just fun. They play I literally can't think of how about how about rather than Garland I can't either it's how about rather than Garland you pitch as a middle name Gareth. That's great. That's perfect Okay, so after I think we got a game for you And it's the game of chicken with giving them Gareth and if you name a baby

Boy Gareth, well, I'm on the show. Would you please tell Gareth because it would make him very happy And we get a baby announcement little Gareth. I'll send a gift. I went Gareth will say I'll be sending gifts every birthday And if it happens and it works out this way, can we get a baby announcement of little baby Gareth? We will post about it in every year on his birthday as long as we're doing this show We'll have a little celebration for little baby. Yeah, please. Can we do that actually give me this a call is me calling you now Ashley, thank you. Thank you for the call. Thank you so much Thank you so much guys, love the show. Thank you. Hey everyone, producer Kevin here.

The original call for this next follow-up is episode 10. It's called Spaghetti Again with Damon Wayans Jr. And it aired on September 18th, 2023. It's the second call on that episode. So if you want to listen for a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Hello. Hi, welcome to We're Here to Help. Is this your first time calling or is this a follow-up? This is a follow-up.

Oh, great. Tell us everything. Walk us back to where we were, your name, the call, the solution, everything. Sure. So this is Rose. We spoke way back in September. I got in on the ground floor of the podcast. I called because my then 10 month old son, his daycare was requiring a uniform. Oh, of course, I remember this.

And the uniform made him look like a Target worker or something. Yeah. Is that right? Yeah. I had told you guys khaki pants and a red shirt, but I was wrong. It was khaki pants and a blue shirt. So unfortunately he did not embody.

So like a best by employee, much better. Geek squad. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. He's been fixing laptops all over daycare. Well, yeah. Your suggestion was basically like lean

in, get him a wallet, maybe a beret, paint a mustache on. Wow. Just kind of lean all the way in. And we did. I mean, I didn't do the facial hair or the wallet, but we got him cardigan. We got him That matched the uniform So we just kind of we went all in and honestly jokes on me having a uniform has been fucking awesome Like it's so nice to not have to pick an outfit every morning because now he's in like the summer programming of daycare and they get to dress down every day and now I have to like programming of daycare and they get to dress down every day and now I have to like

Assemble an outfit every morning and that's not super fun. So I was wrong. The uniform has been great Okay, and you've enjoyed play and so this sounds like a win for us pretty much. Yeah Yeah, okay, easy. I mean, it's not a home run, but it's a single that home run I'll take show the guys the picture and I'll block out the face on this collar? But Gareth, it's on base because it was an intentional walk because there's a power hitter coming. It's on base. It's on base. Yeah, but it feels like kind of a fake.

We're on base. Oh, he's very cute. Look at that cool cat. Look at that. That cat is so cute. You dress him like he goes to college. It's so funny to make a child wear a little uniform, but it looks great. It looks great.

Yeah. This feels like a win. Yeah, it's super cute. It's hilarious. I just bought like basically 10 of that same t-shirt and like a bunch of similar pants. He's living that man. Yeah Exactly. It's like a cartoon If you opened up his closet, it's like the cartoon characters where it's just all the same outfit lined up one after the other

But so all in all on this call Rose the initial thing was I'm so sick. I hate these Uniforms we then pushed you really lean in, you leaned in, only to realize, I kind of like the uniforms. Yeah, 100%. Excellent. And it's a win for us, like we're all saying. Yeah, Rose, we appreciate the call. This is a great follow-up. This is a feel-good story. Yeah, and like I said, I've been a fan now since I called in. I tell everybody that I'm in the New York Times because they reference my episode in that article with you guys. So it's been like wins all around.

I love it. And thanks for sticking with us since September. Yeah, appreciate it. Yeah, I'm on YouTube now. I was pre-YouTube, so now I'm here with all the bells and whistles. What do you like more, the YouTube or the audio? Here we go. I mostly do the audio because I listen while I'm driving, while I'm cooking, but then depending

on the, yeah, like I watch the Hannah Simone one just because I'm a big new girl fan and so I tuned into that. And now that you guys are showing pictures, I always go on to look at the pictures Can I make an assumption that you went to YouTube to see the outline of the man's penis on one of our most recent videos? 100% Figured you did, most people did Oh my god It like

without the picture did not do it justice I agree I would not have What'd you think of those pictures, yeah, I Yeah, I mean I felt pride for her I felt good for her that that's what she married into. Yeah, I think we all felt the same way as a community Yeah, well, I don't know it's tough. I was a little tough to hear how welcoming, because to me I go, oh, it's a little big.

But I guess we haven't heard that yet in the comments. I'm waiting for a call and I'm gonna go gross. Yeah, gross, yucky, too much. I want no indention on the pants. I wanna feel like it's barely there. And then Gareth and I will fight for her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, nothing below the zipper, please.

That's what I wanna hear. I'm looking for like an invisible nub, my lady. The micro, that's the micro. Something to push. Well, now you guys just have to only wear khaki pants on YouTube and whatever and On the contrary. What's happening there? I think it would knock our already low YouTube numbers even lower.

Pardon the pun, but we're looking to get them up. So... Rose, thank you for listening. We appreciate the call. Yeah, thank you guys. Bye. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt.

And the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeon. Our social media director is Kaitlyn Tanwakeo. And our video editor is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh. And you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com. The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike, D-I-K-E.

And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at paddyholland2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.