We're Here to Help - 93: Toe-worker

Episode Date: July 4, 2024

Jake and Gareth talk to a law student whose family keeps asking for legal advice and someone who is unsuccessfully ghosting an old friend. Later, the guys follow up with the first caller from episode 86 “Seeing Past the Piggies.”Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] (Early Access, Bonus Calls and Q&As): Patreon.com/HereToHelpPodVIDEO: Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. And happy birthday, America. USA, we've never been better. And we're back, Jake. It's America's birthday and I'm going to celebrate America. Do you remember, I don't, do you remember we spent a July 4th together, probably 15 years ago on a hike. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We've talked about it on this and there was explosions. This is our anniversary and that should have been a good sign that this podcast would be

really weird when I needed five stitches in my foot and you and I went on a long hike together. Yeah. And when we got down, I took off my shoe and my sock was red with blood and you were like you hiked the whole Time like that and I was like big good to see you buddy speaking of long Hikes that were unnecessarily painful yesterday My I have a Tesla which I hate

And I do yeah, I got it cuz my kids really I hate and I do. I got it because my kids really wanted it and I leased so I was like, it's three years, it'll be fine, it'll be nice to not pay for gas. The car does so many stupid things. One of the stupid things is they don't have keys. So everything is, you got like a weird credit card and then it's your phone.

So at first you go like, that's really cool, man. Like no key, even though we've used keys forever, and they've been going good. It's worth. That's not an issue keys are okay Yes, but everything was fine. I I don't want to say because I'll get teased, but I went to jiu-jitsu yesterday And there's nothing funny about that you're trying to get into fighting in your mid-40s You have a fake locker room bully bully sex doll and I was running late not a sex doll Sexy, but not a sex doll and I was I was running late and I left my phone in the car It happens who cares sure we've all done it sure

You're excited to get in the gym and hurt your back, and I did hurt my back real bad bully and Excited to get in the gym and hurt your back. And I did hurt my back. Real bad. Bullying. And long story short, the class ends, and I go out and my doors were locked to my car. Oh boy. Because my phone had overheated in this stupid Tesla and shut off.

Oh shit. And my wallet was in my car because why do I need a wallet when I'm getting beat up in a Jiu-jitsu mad? What am I gonna tip them afterwards? Officially getting wrong like how you doing? I don't know and then I have money to pass. I'm not bringing any money So I then had a life moment that really got on top of me. I didn't have a phone I didn't have any money. I was wearing what Gareth would describe as a very embarrassing outfit. I was over four miles away from home and it was also 98 degrees and I had a little hand towel for sweat and I just walked home. And I put, well, what are you going to Gareth, this was the crazy thing about technology.

There's no pay phones. I was gonna walk up to a stranger and be like, can I use your phone to call my wife? Don't you have any friends from the class who just whooped your ass and could drive you home for- Maybe they could go to the locker room and hang out with a little- Thanks for tapping me out.

Go to your bang dungeon, roll around with your dummy. Bully. Thanks for tapping me out. Not only is my technique bad and my body's bad my moves are bad because I like my phone in my car Hey This was an ego no honestly what happened is they think closed right after me they took everybody left and I was so much blood On the mat like we got I was I was one of the last to leave blood on the mat. They're like, we got to lose this.

I was one of the last to leave. And so I had to, I had this really wild moment of we don't have cell phones. Back in the day, I was like, we used to have pay phones. You could call collect. You imagine if somebody got an unknown number, we get spammed so much. Oh my God. There's no chance my wife will answer. She doesn't answer when I should be right.

Yeah. No, now so much higher probability of answering when you call from a pay phone. I was like, and then I had this thing where I was walking down the street, I was so dehydrated and I thought like, I wanna walk into a store and ask for water, and in LA there's like such a homeless issue, I'm like, no one's gonna give it to me,

I'm in this weird sweat outfit with a towel on my head asking for free stuff, I'm like, this world is insane. You need to find me those free dog water dishes that they'll put in nice little bit. You need to go to the doggy dick here. What I really did was buildings that had waterfalls. Tell me the hose, please. Oh my god.

I hosed my own head, I hosed my towel. Jake, you are famous. The idea that I potentially could be driving through Los Angeles and be like, It's not great. Is that Jake Johnson, sweaty with a towel over his head, drinking from a building. And then people driving by would go, I don't think so, because that dude doesn't have anything going on in his brain. He has a towel on his head. Also, I was wearing a water shoes because I couldn't

find my shoes at the last minute. What are water shoes? They're shoes you can go in and out of water in. My wife got them for me and I've never worn them. Jake, are you saying like aqua socks? Yeah. You are rolling down the street. It was bad, Garrett.

In aqua socks? It was bad, man. It was a bad scene. Why are you going to Jiu Jitsu in water? Because my man, I was running late. I just had to get there. But why are those even, I mean sandals? I'm going to be honest because there was nothing available and I'm not going to like take my socks off to get choked out. So I just needed something that was sockless and these were just in like a drawer. And I was like, that'll do it. And they were too tight and my feet. It was awful. Found you.

Anyway. Four miles. And in the heat. And then you walk in and what is Aaron's like, what are you doing? You're like, hell. It had been over. So it was over a three and a half hour adventure.

And she was like, I've been calling you. What is going on? And then I went like, I locked my phone. And as I was talking, it was like a mirror. I was like, this is what this poor woman has to see for 20 years. And she was like, are you? And I was like chugging drinks. I'm like super dehydrated. And she's like, it was honestly a moment where if it was a movie

going back to the wonder years, it would be at that moment. I realized I've made a mistake in marrying. This isn't who my life should be with. If I'm sick in the hospital when I get older He has control of my decisions. Do you know Aaron's phone number by heart? Oh 1900 hot Happy birthday America. Happy birthday America. Enjoy the fireworks be safe Also, if you see me walking down the street and I'm sweating and I just throw water out

Throw water film him only film him Kevin. What do you got about episode? 100 come wild animals right. Thank you for saying that my studio is coming together the Construction has officially finished all the gears coming in now So it's gonna look great, and I'm brainstorming some ideas with our crew. We got here to help production group techs popping off ideas, so a lot in the works, very exciting. I got a Patreon extra idea. What if we have a contest, Jake,

where there are 15 questions we answer, and whoever knows more about Kevin without researching, he'll follow on Instagram But let's do a bet that matters. I wanted that matters to me. Okay, fine. He doesn't follow us Okay, man, Jesus you were maybe I'm gonna change maybe I'm gonna stop following you Gareth just what is your deal? Just don't check Jake. I'll call the goddamn show But I like that idea. One of the things we should do.

How do we get those questions? We can't write the 15. We don't have a 15. Kevin could just give us like 15 questions that he thinks are pretty vanilla that we should probably. Maybe things he's talked about over the course of the show. I think that's fun. Okay.

How about we do 10 so it's a clear percentage. Great and then the winner gets a follow. I think that's fun. Okay. How about we do 10? So it's a clear percentage. Great. And then the winner gets a follow. Great. I love it. Thank you everybody for listening. We're very excited. Enjoy the fireworks tonight if you're in America. Enjoy the fireworks and then also enjoy the fireworks later tonight because I was talking about the show. Also, watch out for your animals tonight. The fireworks scare them and they run and they go and there's more lost animals tonight. It's a wild thing. Very true. Very true.

Lock them up. Put them in cages. Lock them up. Well, I don't know about the cages. Just keep an eye on them. Either way... So last but not least, as Bob Barker would say, lock them up! All right, everybody.

Not further ado. Hi. Hi. How are you. Hi. Hi. How are you? Good. How are you? Good. Have you ever considered reading a book, being like a book narrator?

Good voice. What's that voice of yours? Good voice. Oh, really? Thank you so much. We hear a lot of voices. We hear a lot of voices. It's a good one.

Yeah. It's a keeper. Can we get your name, please? Oh, thank you. Yeah, it's Ellie. Ellie. It's a good one. It's a keeper. Can we get your name, please? Thank you. Yeah, it's Ellie. Ellie, it's my niece's name.

And where are you calling from, Ellie? So I'm going to do a broad reach, and I'm calling from the New England area just to protect the guilty on the innocent, as it were. And Ellie, what's our age range? Are we 8 to 15? Are we 20 to 35? Are we 40 to 60? Are we 71 to 100?

We're 32. We're 32. We're 32. We're 32. We're 32. We're 32. We're 32. We're 32.

We're 32. We're 32. We're 32. We're 32. We're 32. And Ellie, what's our age range? Are we 8 to 15? Are we 20 to 35? Are we 40 to 60? Are we 71 to 100? We're 32. 8 to 15 would be an interesting age range, but no, I'm in my 30s. I'm 35. Right in between us. Nice, okay. All right. And in what field do we work in? I currently am a second year law student.

Oh, okay, great. So, working towards a law degree and a law profession. Interesting, I respect it. Okay, and let's say someone's asking for your lunch order just real quick, what are you gonna go with? I hope this is wild. Three hoagies, double beef. Hard to talk about.

With just a pile of lamb. Yeah, and next to it a lard and then three kids Ellie, what do you like to eat for lunch? That's an interesting question, but I can't even yeah, that's why So we're definitely gonna go either Mexican food or Indian food great and then if we're still feeling hungry we're going for ice cream, right? What the hell the day's over. Hey, Garrett, what's your favorite lunch? Well, I'll tell you.

When she said Mexican, I was like, oh, that would be great right now. Remember when we used to go eat pupusas? Yeah. For sure. In that water. 99 cent pupusas. Those are the best. Let's circle back on the lunch.

Okay, sure. All right, Ellie. Well, why don't you tell us? That was nearly avian. Because I was about to answer. I know. Ellie, your problem today. And it's not. Because I was about to answer. I know. I know. That was your problem today. And it's not us.

I'm here to help you with lunch choices. Thank you. So I mentioned that I am a second year law student, but I'm calling in to ask for your advice today because I am having issues conveying the fact that law students and Legal professional are not the same thing to my family. So I will go back and visit my family members and immediately I am just Bombarded with legal questions really I can't answer Like I legitimately like there's a character in fitness test that says I'm not allowed to give legal advice so Not only do I say this, you know, I'm, I can't give you advice.

It's just not something I can legally do. I don't even feel comfortable, but that has yielded no positive results. Of course. And I got to tell you, Ellie, it wouldn't stop. It wouldn't stop me either. It wouldn't stop. Gareth, if we had a second year law student here, we'd ask questions. And when they said, I can't legally say you go, where's the judge?

Come on, it's just us. Yeah. So I'm a little bit, I'm a little bit, I'm just trying to clarify. I'm in the woods a little bit. I think I see a light at the end of the tunnel. You're a second year law student, but everybody in your family asks for advice and you're sick of the advice. Is that correct?

It's not so much that, um, that they'll, they'll ask, they'll ask him for foreign certain things that only a lawyer can do. They'll say, can you write my will? And I say, one, I cannot because I legally can't. They think I can't. Oh, so they think you're already got a will. So they think you're already got a will. Okay.

So you're the only kind of connection to the legal world and you're not allowed to do these things yet, but they keep asking. Will is quite an ask. Are there other weird asks you've gotten? Like at what clip are these coming at you? If someone that my family works with or someone they know has a question, they'll be like, oh, let me talk to my daughter because I'll have the answers because I'm lawyer adjacent

and I have to be like, actually, you can't keep doing that because you're not lawyer adjacent. I'm not adjacent, and I have to be like, actually you can't keep doing that, because you're not lawyer adjacent, I'm not a lawyer. I'm gonna tell you, it is obviously not similar, but when you start doing comedy and getting on TV, everybody wants to pitch you SNL sketches. The worst is when you're a standup, and someone's like, I've got a skit for you.

You're like, I don't do skits. Well, I mean, a lot of times I will, I used to get a lot, you know, I was in line the other day, this would be a good thing for SNL, and I'd go, I'll send them a packet. I'm a lot. You know, I was in line the other day. This would be a good thing for SNL. And I would go, I'll send him a packet. I'm not there. Also, they don't want an unsolicited sketch idea

about a bagel shop from an 80-year-old woman. Is that how it works? Yeah, it's not how it works. I would, I started to do this. Like, I started to push him, because like my mother would do that a lot. She'd go like, you really should do something about Uncle Nigel.

And I'd go, what? I'd go, okay, what is it? I'd make her, I'd be like, how deep do something about uncle Nigel and I go what I'd go. Well, okay What is it? I'd make her I'd be like how deep you want to get in this game? That's fun It sounds like what I used to get it sounds like one of your plays Don't call him plays. So Ellie make them up Don't call him plays. I'm older. I'm 40s. So Ellie, what is the specific question and you got to take control? I'm gonna tell you why it's just Gareth and I and we're Feeling wild. Yeah, it's like you got your second year lawsuit. Can I ask some law advice from you? How do you shut us up?

legally may not Now I see the problem I know it's just us I don't know if we're legally allowed to give her advice. Yeah, exactly the more I think about this I think her ask is quite inappropriate. So, Ali, what is the specific question? And then, and I don't know if you know this, but a caricature I played on television, went to law school, passed the exam,

and then in the funniest realization when we were doing Bits on Set one day, we realized, wait, he passed the exam and then decided to work at a bar and sweep floors? I think it was Lamar who was like, your character's an idiot, dude. Hey, this is season five. What are you doing? That's horrible.

Yeah, actually, wait, I passed it? I didn't fail, I passed. So what is the specific question? Not only that, but your character passed the California bar. Yeah, it was the hardest, that's right. My brother passed the California bar and said the same thing. He's like, wait, this idiot who right. My brother passed the California bar and said the same thing.

He's like, wait, this idiot who can't spell rhythm passed the California bar? And I was like, yes, and then chose to clean dirty dishes. Not an idiot. So, Ellie. Not an idiot, you can author. Yeah, Ellie, this is not about us. Yeah, stop it.

I gotta give you some legal advice. Yeah. Take the reins. Yeah, no. What is the question young lady? We are wild and spazzing out who why the hate this call hates it. Kevin misses the Judge yeah, yeah, yeah, and the judge is gonna be you're gonna get hung up on it. Just put on patreon Sentence your call to Patreon So Ellie what is the question?

So, my question is, how would you both deal with this? I guess, what advice do you have for someone who's tried reason, I've tried logic? Ellie, I know exactly what I would do. I got three, go ahead. Awesome. I would give really bad advice. That's one of mine.

And when they said, like, would you write the will? I would write the will like you're a goddamn idiot. And then they would call it a bill. Yeah. And then they would go like, what are you doing? And you go like, well, I have I told you, I'm just a student. Yeah. So I think the will should just be. Money goes around. The merry go around and they go, huh?

And you go, what do you want from me? I'm a student. If they go, what would I do in that legal situation? You go, well, like I've told you, I can't legally give advice, I haven't finished, but here would be my suggestion. Don't give the money back and run. Yeah, that is a way to go. Just get the word spread that you're terrible

at legal advice to the family. I mean that. Oh my God. Yeah. What else you got, Garth? Well, and that one you can have a little fun with yes that one you can really be like look I think you go the treasure route make someone sleep in a haunted mansion Do you want me to write the will yeah put it in a big treasure make a map and throw it in the ocean or yeah?

Just like right on crayon on the back of a restaurant menu and just like send that to them as a PDF So could you maybe just be show your family that you're a bad second year law student and they don't want advice from you? I think it would be interesting to kind of tweak it a little bit and do what you're saying, which is like write an absolutely outrageous will. That could never be actually seen as a legal document and just pass it off. You know, even jokingly say like, this is the best that I can do. It's not legal binding.

And I'm a student. And whatever you write, spill coffee on it and then scan it and send it with like a ketchup stain and like a coffee stain on it and be like, here you go. Came out pretty good and spelled good GUD. Yeah. So that's option one. What do you got option two, girl? OK. Option two is what you could do is you could tell your one of your parents. And this is just a

way to spread the word through the family that someone you went to school with just got in a lot of trouble for espousing legal advice that they were not allowed to. BardARD. BARD. Yes. BARD from the bar. And so you could say you just so so and be stressed out and be like I feel like bad because I've given our family a couple bits of legal advice which I shouldn't do. You got to spread the word to everybody. Never tell anyone it can never happen again. Yes. A fucking student in my school just got kicked out.

Yes. You don't even want to tell your family directly. I think a parent would give that like extra. That's bold. You know how a parent is. You know I have out. Yes, you don't even want to tell your family directly. I think a parent would give that like extra. That's bold. You know how a parent is, you know. I have parents, we all have them. So that's one. I have only one, keep going my dad.

That's pretty. Yeah. Your father lives on forever. Your father. I love you big brother. Yeah, big croco. Love you big fella. Why'd you kiss your two fingers, Jake?

And show them to the sky. Let your mustache rain down on all of us. All right, so Bart is a really interesting one. Yeah. I got one. Okay. Charge him. Mm, that's a great one.

That puts you back in kind of your original predicament, but I think if you come up with a number that is pretty high, it's pretty good. You be a family member, I'll be Ellie. You know I love the biz. Let's do it fast, we don't need a whole bunch of salad, but what you were doing before you got to this stage. That was I love the best. Let's do it fast We don't need a whole bunch of setup of what you were doing before you that was a good potato salad all right Hey, Ellie. Can I ask you a favor real quick sure how is the potato salad? Oh my god?

It's so good I never thought I'd like it with raisins in it, but someone told that crafty move, and I'm never gonna forget his watch Christ why do we invite that guy to these things always with it's really tough Okay Why do we invite that guy to these things? He's always with me. It's really tough Um, so alright, so I was in a parking lot the other day someone backed into my car Oh, is this legal advice? Yeah, they don't have a turn on one second I have to start the clock because I do have to charge you it is four hundred and twenty five dollars an hour No, Ellie a five thousand dollar retainer Ellie that's for the first five hours

So if you want to do this, you could just make the checkout to me and it would be $5,000. Do you wanna proceed with this or do you wanna drop it? Because I've asked you a lot. It's just a simple insert. I understand, it's just what I do. No, I'll figure it out. Okay, thank you so much.

How was that raisin again? Really good. Well, it was just- Checkmate. Do you see what happened there, Ellie? Checkmate. You see? Bobby Fisher did. Yep, he really did. Yeah.

Because the person's gonna go, she's an asshole, but you know what you're gonna say. You're an asshole Yeah, I put a bounder up you jumped over it. I kicked you in the ass. I I like that one, too What do you think of that Ellie? I got one more Let's get the one more and then we'll be loving all of these Okay, the next four and then you're gonna decide the next one is the next big family events picnic Whatever the fuck it is. Yeah. You wear a shirt that says not at all a lawyer.

Yep. Put the vibe out there. Okay. So now, now here's what you got, Ali. We're going to recap and then the floor is yours. Okay. Number one, you give bad advice. Then the word starts to spread that Ali might be a dope.

Yep. Don't count on our family lawyer. Number two, somebody at your school got barred, you're very scared, spread the word, this can't happen to you. Three, charge them. Four, next family event, wear a shirt, a hat, or a pin that says I am not a lawyer. We're all three.

I cannot give advice, please stop asking. Enjoy the chicken salad. Ellie, what are you gonna do? Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. So I think that I'm definitely, just the idea of having a shirt like that is amazing. So, and then I, like, so I think I'm definitely gonna get the shirt

and wear that the next time, because I think that's hilarious. Oh, you're going for more than that. Okay. Right. I love it. A two pronger. I'm going for with the side of two, one in three.

How you put that? Good. Well, so while one in three definitely have their merits, there's still like that, that issue that it might come back. And I, you know, I want to make sure that when I can practice, that people know that I give fair fees, which is another legal responsibility thing. Pretty sweet. Yeah.

I'm a good attorney. But I think that saying that someone was barred from my law school and just really freaking out about it- I love it. Which is something I can definitely latch onto. Ellie, let us know how it goes, but also you might have just started something here, and that is referring to how you're doing it as if it's a restaurant and you're making a thing,

because you said I'll take a four with a side of two. Yeah. I think that's gonna be something we're gonna pitch a little bit. This is a restaurant. This is a new menu. What are you choosing to eat today? That's very good.

I like that. Ellie. Ellie, we rest our case. Ellie, we rest our case. Full circle. Ellie, you're a contempt of this podcast. Thank you for the call, Ellie. Thanks, Ellie.

Thank you so much. Bye. Thanks, Allie. Thank you so much. Bye. Bye. Bye. This episode is brought to you by Mando. Mando is a deodorant that we all use here at the show,

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So that was before, and after, here it is. Here's the after. He needs me to leave my partner, otherwise he won't. Yeah, I'm stuck, that's it. I left for Nancy, and now I'm coming back from Nancy. So thank you, Babbel. It's beautiful to hear you speak that language. But it's really easy.

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Oh my gosh. I think it's weird for us to be here. I think it's weird for us to be here. I think it's weird for us to be here. I think it's weird for us to be here. I think it's weird for us to be here. I think it's weird for us to be here. I think it's weird for us to be here.

I think it's weird for us to be here. I think it's weird for us to be here. I think it's weird for us to be here. I think it's weird for us to be here. I think it's weird for us to be here. I think it's weird for us to be here. I think it's weird for us to be here. I think it's weird for us to be here.

I think it's weird for us to be here. I think it's weird for us to be here. I think it's weird for us to be here. I think it's weird for us to be here. I think it's weird for us to be here. I think it's weird for us to be here. I think it's weird for us to be here. I think. Hello. So weird to be here. Oh my gosh. I think it's weird for us too. Yeah. I can welcome to weird here to help.

Well, what can we do for you? Take over. Tell us what you want to tell us. The floor is yours. Here is a picture of a chip. Okay. So I'm gonna have you guys call me Luanne. I am from, well, real house.

I'm from the house of the house. I'm from the house of the house. I'm from the house of the house. I'm from the house of the house. I'm from the house of the house. I'm from the house of the house. I'm from the house of the house. I'm from the house of the house. I'm from the house of the house. I'm from the house of the house. I'm from the house of the house. I'm going to have you guys call me Luanne.

I am from, well, real housewives. I am from Wisconsin. Nice. Luanne, where in Wisconsin? I don't know how specific to be. Southwest. Southwest, okay. What's the biggest city near you in the Southwest?

La Crosse. I'm from the La Crosse area. Okay, sure. All right, La Crosse. And what's your real name and where are you actually calling from? Would you like my address? No, just your social security, please.

All right, we just want to get into it. Long story short, I met this girl when I was in high school. She was nice, but like really weird. But also I was really weird. So it was fine. I viewed it more as like an appointment situation. But as the years progressed, it became very obvious that she it was like a monumental, important friendship in her life. I was hoping that when we graduated, which was in 2013, that it would naturally die as high school friendships do. But she has not let it die. And I, for about a decade,

have been getting once a week Instagram messages from her. And in this decade, I have responded, I went and counted this morning, I've responded eight times in a decade. So they continue to come once a week. So I've pretty much been ghosting her for 10 years. And my guess, my question is, is there any way without me being a total a-hole that I can let this die

and end this friendship or at least like maybe once a year? That's a good question. So Gareth, will you break this one down? Just do an old school recap, just because it's the first of the day that coffee is just hitting and I'm just waking up. Well, OK, we have, quote unquote, Luanne calling from somewhere in Wisconsin. And how do you kind of manage a friend who thinks you're there, a really good friend of yours,

but you don't really care for the friendship at all. And as far as inconveniencing goes, it's really kind of minor because it's just like you're getting a message a week and there's really nothing. It's so easy to avoid, but you're just irritated by it, which I get. You're just like, stop. It's kind of like it's a little bit of like nesting in your world which just feels annoying yeah so how do you kind of like how do you rebuff it I got an easy one okay God texts do what what tech overly religious text God god texts mmm I don't think that's going to work because I am overly religious. Underly religious. Well, by the way, is she? Is she? Well, OK, so part of why I think this friendship spiraled out of control is because when we were

in high school, my mom invited her to our church and we drove her to church every week for four years. OK, so now you're saying this. this you're only gonna message with people who believe in the Okay, what are her what are her politics? This is a real idea. I She only sends me Harry Potter memes Hmm. I don't know any I don't even know her it's been a check. Okay, okay to the path You're kind of going down a little bit Jakey boy. Yeah, what if You start kind of going down a little bit, Jakey boy. Yeah. What if you start kind of spamming her with something? It doesn't need to be political or religious,

but it could be like a weird charity. Like, you know, now you're trying to like save turtles. Yep. There's always something, Gareth, when friendships break and a lot of them for a lot of people happened in 2020. Yeah. But it's when one person goes, I'm not trying to be crazy, but, and then you respond with, I hear you man, tomato, tomato, I'm not going down that road. And they go, let me send you 40 texts about it. And by around the 15th, you go, how valuable is this friend? So we can go in any direction. I like what Gareth was saying about turtles.

We could also do anything. It's just you become- Isolated quote wise, that's a great one. I like what Gareth said about turtles. Kind of sums up doing a podcast. With me. Gareth with everybody. With me. Okay. All right, keep going. Where are you going? But I'm good. So this idea of if it's not religion, if it's not politics, what's one weird thing that you could pretend to be into and pretend to send a group email that she's just part of it that she has to go? This woman changed. I don't know her anymore. I don't want to be in her life. I don't like this and all you need to do is once a week Friday at 5 p.m. Send another weird one. I don't know why I'm initially leaning towards geology

Sure. Hold on information about rock. Go on go on I mean, I'm already boring myself Go on. I mean, I'm already boring myself. Luanne, what could that email look like? Well, I think I would have to do like a medium amount of research first. Just collect a bunch of rock facts and then just once a week, just share what I've learned about sediment. Sure.

Okay. I think that's really nice and boring. It's super boring. Yeah. It's definitely, it would be annoying. Um, Kevin, what do you think. Kevin, what do you think? Kevin, what are you thinking? You lean towards the camera.

Kevin, you're you're you're weird about your Instagram. You don't follow Jake, right? What's your gut? I couldn't stop thinking about my high school geology teacher wore socks and sandals every day, Mr. Jarvis. And I was wondering if there is some sort of narrative you could create about someone else maybe that you keep bringing up Yeah, you know that made me think when you said talk about some somebody else

One really boring thing that people do is when they're talking about somebody who you don't know somebody else in their life So one thing you could do is you could bring something up to everybody in like a group email that like a geologist, something with rocks you're really into. And then she would write back like, yeah, Luanne, so excited, you're excited. And then you'd be like, but what you don't know is that her mother is dating a guy who's a postman.

And then a, I'm not kidding kidding you get AI to write it you go 15 pages maybe we flooded her Letting the market right just get wrong with words We're trying to I here's another angle What if you just hit her back with like 30 dolphin emojis every time she writes or like Something super weird where she's like, oh, she's like lost her mind a little bit or something like that. I think part of what's good about this too is it kind of gives you a little bit of a game within it.

Now, now instead of just feeling like irked by whenever she messages, you're going to try to find what stops her from doing it. Yeah. What about gibberish texts? Messages. Yeah, you're gonna try to find what stops her from doing it. Yeah What about gibberish texts? Lean on the keyboard. Yeah, but also like literally start doing a regular response where you say like hey really nice, too And then do it like mad libs just more weirdest word in there and then What about this what if you start writing back? Do you have a dog or a cat? I have three cats. Why don't you start writing back from the perspective of one of your cats and be like, this is Luanne's cat. Yeah, she might love that. That's what I think

she would really like. Hold on. But there's something about the cat. Give me your email. I like the energy of this woman. There's something about that that could be really interesting. What if you wrote overly long emails about the interpersonal relationship between the cats, and when you think you're done, do three more pages, but like about their relationship with each other and about how like, it's been really strange lately when like Wiggles isn't doing this, like Tiger Lady's getting very mad at her and I think it could, and you just go deeper and deeper in so that- Great cat.

Thanks. So that this woman has to go, I think Luan is off the deep end, I don't care about her cats. Because what you're looking for is, you want her to dump you. Also, another one, you could just copy the message she writes you and paste it back. That's interesting Oh, how about this? What if you just reply all I farted?

That's good to every time she emails you you just write back. I farted this is your right like why are you saying? I am right. So this is just you. OK, all right. So just when she DM'd you, you just write back, cool DM, I farted. Or like, toot so hard. If somebody said to me, if I wrote an old friend, I wrote some whole thing about my life, and then said, what's up with you?

And they wrote back, I farted. I would go like, did you get hacked by a 10-year-old? I would say our best approach here is for you to pick four of these. Did you get hacked by a 10 year old? I would say our best approach here is For you to pick four of these. Yeah, and let's just start going down the list Yeah, and give each one a three-week run and oh the cumulative effect of this is she's gonna be like boy Louann Lester goddamn. Yeah, what if every time I would guess what I think so, too What if every DM you wrote back? I'm a turtle. Yep Man, I honestly a half of these I just feel like she would do herself genuinely.

Say that again. What does that mean? She would do herself genuine. She would say she's a turtle to you. She'll be like, awesome. I'm algae. I could see myself sending her a meme and her responding. I farted.

Maybe be best friends with her, she sounds cool. She's like, great. Rekindle this friendship. What's the downside of this cool lady? Something that gives me like the very, very small annoyance is when I send a friend a meme or a link or anything and they respond, ha ha, I saw this. Like just that realization that,

it takes the excitement out of like, I can't wait to show this to someone. And they're like, I already saw this. If you could hit her back with maybe not every single one, but 90% of them of like, yeah, I saw this. I think she might be like, why even send these? She's seen them all and then and then you have the obvious option which is that you either just

totally ignore it you muter or you just fucking go nuclear I mean we could all just do that if you're looking for a normal response you've come to the wrong place but rationalities left the building yeah mean, that's why you're called. Before we used to say like, well, there's always a path. We've been doing this for a year now. You don't want that path. That's why you're here. One thing you could do is,

and this is a long, weird play that could work. You could respond back to her with specifics that aren't her, but the same name. And then she writes back like, I don't think we went to a water park last weekend. And then you can write, who is this? And she goes, Stephanie Anne. And you go, Stephanie Anne who?

And she goes, and then you go, oh my God, from high school, we haven't seen each other in like a decade, I'm so sorry. There's people, there's a friend of mine who I see and I literally thought that was you then you go like all the best So nice hearing from you. Hope you've been good in the last 10 years in your life like go kick butt girl Love ya All right last pitch from me Google bad foot injury and just send back a picture each week of a really gnarly foot

injury. Yeah. That you could not have picked anything more specifically horrifying to me personally. And I do kind of love it. Why bad foot is so specific to you? I think feet are so gross. Interesting. Interesting.

That's a great idea. That's about growth. That's all great idea. It's about growth. That's all right. Well, look, I mean, we have kitchen sink you. I think I don't know. What do you think, Jake? I would say the idea here is to just really start working through them. If they're working, then abandon them.

We have a ton of options. So then Luanne, let's go to you. What are you going to do? Yeah, I very much like the like return the spam idea I think I could really get chat GPT to work for me and get some long messages going about something dull I like the turtles business. I like the dolphin emojis. I like the gibberish. I like the cat. I like it all I'm gonna I'm gonna try a lot of things and see what happens Can you follow up with us and send us screen grabs of what you're doing and we'll block out the names?

Yeah. And let us know which one is kind of working the best. Yeah. And if it goes sideways, call back because it might. Absolutely. You know, this is a this is a high wire act. Absolutely. Absolutely.

And again, there's always the option of just ignoring Which Again, you don't forgotten what have you forgotten what show you're doing? I have Are you now Tony Hale? Are you biff with hailing who cares I don't know I would call your dad Yeah, this why why would you do this? You don't have to do it this way. I love it when someone like Tony comes in and is like, what are you doing? We're like, oh, sorry, we go nuts. Yeah. I think we need to talk about this person in a real way.

Are you OK? And I'm like, hold on. So take the gumball, put it in your butt hole. Do you have a costume shop near you? Luanne, we appreciate the call. Keep us updated, please. Yeah, let us know how much And we're brought to you by rocket money Rocket money as we've talked about is a personal finance app that finds and cancels unwanted subscriptions It monitors your spending helps lowers your bills all these things so you can grow your savings. I've talked on the show before about how I was paying for a Packers radio station that I got one day for a playoff game and turns out they'd been getting $7.95 a year from me

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Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash help by going to rocketmoney.com slash help. That's rocketmoney.com slash help. Rocketmoney.com slash help. Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. The original call from this next follow-up aired on June 10th. It's called Seeing Past the Piggies and it's the first call on this episode. If you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Hi. Hi. Welcome back to the show. My goodness.

Happy to be here again. It's been a long time. It's been a long time. We miss this of who you are, what your problem is and give us a gosh dang follow up. Oh man, here for that. My name is Beverly. I am calling from Arkansas. And it was about a month ago that we chatted last about a certain toe worker with a certain habit of removing their. Did you say toe worker?

Shoe. Did she say toe worker? I think she did say toe worker. I thought I heard that. I think so. Get it trending. So this was about the woman who you worked with in a hot office. She takes her shoes off and Gareth suggested Parmesan in the floor, which was still an

all-time favorite for me. And so what did you do? What's happened? And walk us through you do? What's happening? Walk us through it. Where are we at? Yeah. Well, you sort of say, I really appreciate, I really appreciate like the validation from you guys and from the here to help just like community. So I just want to shout out everyone out for that. Shout out community.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm here for that. Yeah, of course. So what I first did is I, there was someone with stinky food in the office. And so I asked her, Oh my God, like, do you, do you smell that? Like, are you, you know, and she, she responded with it. She doesn't really have a sense of smell. Interesting term. So or shared space. Right. Of course. And it just kind of eliminates any of those pitches about like anything smelly or out

of thinking. Um, so then I try more about the texture. True. I'm sure it is more about the texture, but I would also suffer because then it would also be like, and I, you know what I mean? You ever heard of a war where one side said like there were no casualties yeah it's true mmm not reality not reality but keep going Beverly you're always talking about war Jake yeah embarrassing so then I tried the whole thing. Bully. Keep going Beverly ignore them. No it's okay I'm here for this. I we're here for this. I tried this thing where I was like hey I think I saw like something crawling around like I'm not really a critter person but I got a little freaked and like I know I'm having

this conversation with her while her shoes are off of of course But I was like, I know you like to take your shoes off and they just want to make sure that your toes were protected From like any sort of like spider or like whatever And I had to review the podcast notes actually before I said that to her to see what good job I've word for word because I was good job about it. By the way, first Oh, thank you. Most people don't take any of our advice. You took notes. Yeah. You get a 10 out of 10.

Second of all, thank you. You guys are my therapist is how I dream. So dangerous. But it keeps going. It's so dangerous. My next follow up will be how to find a new job because I was getting fired. Absolutely.

So to which she looks at me just like super straight face and says, oh, we have spiders here. And so I was like, okay, so we're not bothered by smite by spiders. We don't really have a sense of smell. And then I was like, I just need to get curious here. I need to ask a little bit more about the why behind the what, like get to the root of the issue, hopefully. Do you ever want to co-host an episode with the way your brain works

Yeah, goddamn genius. Oh my god Well, thank you you're doing a woman with a real brain, oh my god Then I asked if she'd ever had any incident with her shoes off I have an ally in the office and he was helpful in this conversation of just trying to make it feel like more casual and the ally and I found out that Simon, she essentially introduced the lifestyle of going barefoot to us. So by asking her these questions, she told us about how this is all a part of her, like life perspective of strengthening her feet and her legs.

And so, um, she goes on to explain, no, I don't need that energy. She goes on to explain like those shoes need to have no souls or no heels. I've heard about these people. They cut their soles out of their shoes. Yeah. And they keep the shoes on so they can go into stores. Right. I know this world, Gareth.

And she picks up her shoe to show me about how the toe needs to be an extra wide toe. Again, she picks up the shoe because she's not wearing it. And she shows it to me and she tells me that she loves to wiggle her toes around. And I'm like, sadly, Diamond, I know that not because you told me, but because I've seen you freaking do it. Like in our cubicle. Dems be fighting words. Did you say that? Did you kind of go with like a real like, were you kind of, I mean, were you kind of like that aggressive? I'm not saying anything, but according to my ally, my face was saying everything.

So I, yeah, so now I kind of realized that I'm not up against the strange habit, but I'm up against like a lifestyle, right? Like it's just, it just feels a little different. It's obviously still goofy, but it feels like a little bigger than that. And so I was like, I need, I need like a physical barrier for her feet. Peanut butter and jelly. The shoe, no peanut butter and jelly, the floor, because she She doesn't have smell but text. What'd you try? I got some like Arm and Hammer like carpet deodorizer.

And I get to work before Diamond does. Yeah, essentially a Parmesan, but like my nose wouldn't be bothered by it. And I sprinkled it all over her side of the cubicle. And it looks obnoxious. It's very, the floor is white. So she now tracks it. And wait, wherever she goes, she tracks it with those. Right.

And that day, like she doesn't say anything about the white floor, but she also doesn't take her shoes off. And it's fantastic. So like solve the issue the next day. Um, because we think it's so goofy that she hasn't said anything about the white floor, my ally asks her, what's going on in here when I'm like not in the office? And she responds with, well, Beverly is scared of the spiders. So she's put down some spider deterrent in the cubicle to keep the spiders away.

Right. Not like the, not the reason why, but like still like we got what we wanted, right? And then yesterday, you guys, I do the same thing and she comes in and she takes off her shoes. And I sent in a video and that has what has hurt on this follow up because I just sent it in this morning because I was so bummed out. Can we see the video, Kev? Yep. One sec. It's just really fast. It's just her feet. It's her feet walking back into the cubicle without even a gun on. There's a big community for this.

What's interesting is that it worked and she didn't even say anything to you. She assumes you have a spider phobia oh fuck me what the fuck and I just want to say like we have consecutively had like 10 days of heat advisories here in Arkansas and like we're she is dedicated she's dedicated to her lunchtime walk picking up trash making the world a better place and I love that and I want to like cheer her on for that. Yes, but like this is tough. It's good. It's just the feet. It's the bare feet. You know what we gotta do Beverly? I think you gotta go to one of the higher ups and ask for a new office and say you love Diamond.

She's great. Just say it's grossing you out. Yeah. You don't want to make this a big HR thing. You don't want to get her in trouble. You already have laid the foundation with the fact that you saw spiders over there. So it's not going to look like you're directly saying because of what she does. No, also you just say like I'm asking one-on-one to move. Yes. Yeah. And you go, I don't want this to be about her. Yeah. You tried to fight this war with a we're here to help method. She's greater than our ability to stop. I could get like a doctor's note from my therapist. We can write a doctor's note because we're the therapist. We're doctors and we're not going to keep answering emails.

What people are saying. We're not, we are doctors, but by the way, should we, we've been doing a practice for almost a year. You know what we could do? We're doctors. You know what we could do is we could, would you actually take this to your boss? Cause we could write a- I would 100%. So why don't we write something from Dr. Johnson and Dr. Reynolds and nurse, uh, and even- no, say it, Gareth. We could talk about how nurse Bartelt doesn't follow us.

We could talk about how Nurse Bartelt doesn't follow us. And it's like... And we could say that she needs her own space from this as her therapists. This is... These feet are having a bad thing for her. And you... And when you are moving, if you can, we just... It's all about the spiders. You don't like spiders.

You're arachnophobic. So, just to clarify where we're at, because I think Gareth and I are gonna sell something, but I don't know if you wanna buy it. We're thinking of writing a letter to your boss and addressing the feet. But what you say to her is it's about the spider. When you move, if it were. Are you comfortable with that?

You guys are addressing the feet in the letter or saying that I'm sort of tighter than the letter? You can't say to the boss, my client needs to move because there's a spider we'll give you one of each is that okay or is that like a extra i don't know you guys it's another 50 but we'll do one of each are you subscribed to the patreon yeah are you on patreon Are you on Patreon? Um, not yet. Well, that's...

Okay, second one's Patreon. Well, for $5, you'll get 30 letters. We're writing notes to our Patreoners. And also a magic cloth that you can hold up to the YouTube screen and touch us. Absolutely. But we'll write you one of each. We can do this.

And then you pick, and why don't you hand that to one, you pick which one and you tell your boss and you say, look, this is just, I've been talking to my doctor about this and this is where we're at. And but just to talk about this spiders one for a second. If we're saying our client needs to move because there's a spider, the spider is not in one area in the office that spiders everywhere. But if we say our client is very arachnophobic and she saw two spiders in that area,

she says she is comfortable just moving to another section of the office. Then her boss is going to think she's a fucking nut. Imagine being the boss there, Gareth. Yeah. Now, but imagine being the boss of this. Our client is really uncomfortable because the woman next door has a lifestyle where she doesn't wear shoes in the Arkansas summer and it stinks and it's gross. But the boss knows this. Like the boss, like she's literally wiggled her toes at this boss

and he doesn't do anything. What about just going straight up to the boss and saying, hey, I know it's wild. What about going straight up to the boss and just saying this, we all love diamond I do too I'm not looking to Ralph Lundy Feathers can you move me somewhere in the office so I'm away from those bare feet because it's gross to me I think that's like an actual play it is talking about spiders in a letter is madness yeah but you're used to living inside of the nuts it's not crazy to be like I don't want to be next to someone with bare feet if a grown-up were a diaper If a grown-up or a diaper at work and dirty it you're allowed to say I don't want to be around them because I smell

Dirty diaper you don't have to say I don't want to be around them because there's not there's a scorpion in the air Not a bad pitch not a bad pitch have Bev wear a diaper Not a bad pitch the woman doesn bad pitch. Have Bev wear a diaper. Not a bad pitch. The woman doesn't have the woman has smelling issues. She'll just be sitting in her own filth. Tell you what, if I see someone sitting there in a dye dye, I don't care what it smells like. I don't love it. Beverly, here's what I honestly think you need to do here. And this just takes courage. This takes courage. This takes guts. And you can do this. You need to walk up to your boss alone and say, can we have a meeting one on private private meeting meeting?

And they'll say, sure. Is everything okay? And you'll say, everything's fine. Then you got to say, we call the feeding. I love working here. I am not looking to lose my job. I love all the people's personalities. I'm very happy.

I have an issue where sitting so close to Diamond because she is shoeless, but I do not want to offend her. And I do not want to make her feel bad because I value her as a person. Can we do something secretly between you and I where you move me to another part of the office so that she can continue her lifestyle and I can continue my lifestyle

because my life already think feet should be covered in public and she already thinks I'm afraid of spiders and I saw some over there so I'll easily be able to say it's just spider thing. I would say let's just drop the weird spider thing. Nope, we're sticking with spiders with a jake lecture or not. It feels like it confuses a very simple thing. It's a good cover. But what do you think about that Beverly? I think he's right

Yeah, I just want to say with all of the Episodes that I've listened to like this feels like actually really helpful And like you guys are really sound and on thank you what you do here. So out of ten Yeah It was a weird compliment Garrett because she knows because of all the ones I've listened to. This one's the only one that's only kind of good. Jake, hit her with the rating question. Out of ten, Beverly, zero means we've done a terrible job. Ten means we've totally solved your problem. What would you rate us? Because this is a positive, so it's for sure more than a seven. Yeah. So what would you rate us?

Yeah, for sure. I'm going like a 15. But by the way, Beverly, what are you actually going to do? Yeah, I'm feeling like I would love like a hard copy letter. Uh, that just feels like it will be like, so, the umph that I need, the courage that I need to go and talk to my boss. Why do you need the, this is goofy. You're going to hand the boss a letter as opposed to just having that very clear talk?

Don't you think like having something to like hold onto and hand over? No, no, it's a fake letter. It's a paper trail, it's a paper trail. If you went to your therapist and a therapist said my client's uncomfortable, also if I'm your boss I'm going like... Beverly, this is Dumbo's feather. You don't need the letter. You have it inside of you to go there and have this conversation. You don't want a paper trail because it's going to make you seem worse. I think you just say it's gonna hurt you. Yes,

but take a deep breath and just go in there and say look I am not complaining. I love being here. Yeah, this is not a squeaky wheel deal. No, but can you move me her feet? I don't love her feet. I have a thing about feet and you know what you know what he's gonna say. You guys, is this something I'm doing today? This is something you're doing after lunch. Oh my say? This is something you're doing after lunch Oh my god, this is something you're doing right right after you hang up from us You are walking in and you're talking your head. This is the moment do not overthink it each day is gonna get harder Just put on a smile. Are you on a cell phone right now? Yeah, start walking in. Oh my god, Jake. We're not going to matrix this. Start walking in.

Jake, you're going to freaking get me fired from my job. Okay, then I don't want to do that. I want to get you- No, you're not. Okay. I'm leaving the parking lot. Okay. So here's our advice.

Our advice is go into the boss, have the talk. If you're afraid it's going to make you lose your job, do not do it. And again, if the boss puts up, if your boss is like, what are you talking about? Be like, you know, I'm just saying, it's cool. We'll figure it. Just, I don't think it's a crazy, great. The boss will not say that.

And if there's room to move you. They'll move you. Okay, do you guys wanna be on speakerphone for this? No. Yes. Whoa, Jesus Christ. I do. Do you think your boss is gonna like see that you be on speakerphone for this? No. Yes. Oh, Jesus Christ. I do. Do you think your boss is going to see that you're on speakerphone?

Yeah, we don't want to. If that's going to rock the boat, I don't want to do it. Because if she catches it, then I think she's going to be like, what are you doing? I agree. Ready, set, go. I'm just kidding, you guys. I'm not going to do that. I can't do that.

Oh my god. Goodbye Beverly. Beverly, let us know how it goes if you're gonna do it. I think you're diamond by the way. You have no shoes on. We just entered your world. You're the, you sent a video of your own feet. Hey thanks Kyle. Bye buddy. Alright, let us know.

Bye. OK, bye. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. And the associate producer and editor is AJ McKee. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakeo. And our video editor is John De Bruyne.

The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh. And you can check out his music at oliverraleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com. The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to garethrentals.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at paddyholland2004.

And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.