We're Here to Help - 97: The Deep End with Justin Long

Episode Date: July 18, 2024

Jake, Gareth and special guest Justin Long talk to callers about a boss's emails and a neighbor asking for help floating in the pool. Later, the guys chat with Justin about New Girl, impressions and Vince Vaughn. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. And we are back. We're back, Jake. Like it or not. Our guest today is fantastic. It's fantastic. It's not even worth really belaboring over it, but he is not only great on our show, which you're going to hear in a second, but he really is.

You talk about it in the post-game interview interview Yes, so talented and has done so well and listen to the if you're somebody who just likes the calls and don't really listen to The chats we recommend really listening to this chat because he gets so funny and you really get a sense of how great this human Is but it's Justin long and Justin played ginslinger on new girl and season one and Justin played Genslinger on New Girl, and season one, he just let it rip in a way that I didn't know was possible, and I think he changed the show for the better. I think we all realized,

oh, we can just really go for it. And I think he deserves a lot of credit for the fun of that show. And I think he's a great actor on The Calls today, too. There's a lot of acting. He also has a podcast, which is a very popular podcast, but if you haven't listened to it... Life is Short with Justin Long. Life is Short with Justin Long.

But it's a joy to have Justin. I just love being around. He's cracking everybody up. And thank you guys for listening and sticking with us. Thank you. Without further ado... Hello. Hi. Can we get your name please? Hi guys, I'm Marzalene.

Marzalene. Marzalene. Okay. Yeah. What a cool name. And where are you calling from? I'm calling from Anaheim, California. Anaheim, okay.

Nearby or neighboring? Nearby. And about how old are you? I'm 25. 25? Great. Great. Lovely.

Kevin. So, did you ever watch New Girl? Absolutely, I have. I have. I have. Nearby or neighbor nearby and about how old are you? I'm 25 25 right great lovely So do you ever did you ever watch new girl? Absolutely, I have yes. Do you remember? Jess's first big boyfriend Was I believe a clown? You remember genslinger? I do remember Genslinger.

Just as long as you're on the bottom. Hey, Marceline. Gens. After it was, people just say it's Genslinger. Yeah. Gens. We talked about Gens for years. Yeah.

The Gens. Yeah. Uh, so, uh, the floor is yours. I really want to say your name. I'm really bad at names. I know I'm going to mispronounce it. Do you mind. I really want to say your name. I'm really bad at names I know I'm gonna mispronounce it. Do you mind if I nickname it to Mars? Yeah, go ahead. That's totally fine. Your friends call you Mars Marzelline. I call me Marcy Marcy Better Marcy the floor is yours

Talk to Brian and Nick and the ganslinger Three stars a new girl. I was on one of the episodes. So I was hoping you guys could help me with this weird issue I've been having with my boss. Good start. It's like the beginning of my employment. All right.

And I just kind of want to start by saying he is a good boss. Or like, I don't have any bad feelings about him. He's like a good boss who really cares about his employees. Marcy, let's give him a name really fast. Yeah, sure. His name's Alan. Alan. He has a name. Well, there we go. Now we know him.

Yeah. Him being a good boss is why I don't mind some of his weird quirks. His weird quirk is that his personal email is also his work email. We see everything. Oh, I don't understand. Wait, what do you mean? So on your you all have access to his his email. Yes. And so we're a long term. So it's really important that we see all of each other's emails.

That's for organization purposes and stuff like that and filing. And he uses his work email to talk to his family and to talk to his doctors, which is fine. But then I started seeing his dating profile. Oh, shit. Oh, this, what a treasure trove. I agree, this is gonna be a winner. But before we start, Marcy.

Calling it early. Just because I'm a little confused. So at a law firm, your work email is open to everybody? Is that unusual? So like if the three of us worked together, I would be able to see everything Justin and Gareth emailed? Yes, because we're all CC'd automatically. He programmed it that way so that we don't miss anything for our law.

So everything he sends out, you get access to. Wow. Because he only has one email, whereas most people Very on it like on there's something very honest about every email you say or he made a little mistake Maybe didn't realize everybody's seeing all this He must not I think this is a little mental error. Yeah, okay, especially his daddy How old is Alan just so we know?

60 Alan is 69 years old Do we say anything about that? Well, I mean I think the you know, obviously we're all you're ensuring Okay. Yeah, but we're picturing face on go ahead, but I will say this so it's not a surprise. He's over 60 This is a mental error. Yeah, I think so emails just started for this fucking guy X amount of years ago. He already had a full career before. Or is he a gentleman who has nothing to hide? I mean, you're digging profile. Marcy, the floor is yours.

It kind of gets worse because we also see the emails he sends to himself and I just happened to be clicking through that day and I happen to see he sent himself a YouTube link and what Google does when you send Links is you can see the picture of the thumbnail of the video you oh It was the eggplant emoji and I was like no there's no fucking way he's sending himself a video about his dick But it was a video of can I enlarge my seedling?

Oh my God, I can't call it. Yeah. I did say he was. Can I enlarge my eggplant? He's in horticulture, he's a gardener. He's looking for robust foods. He wants fertilizer for his eggplant. This is really embarrassing for Alan.

I'm so glad you used a fake name. Alan is not a voyeur, he's not doing this on purpose. Well at least we know it's an accident now. He's looking at the self-improvement. Siri, make my dick big. So Marcy, what else have you seen? Siri. No, I've just, there was one where he sent pictures

of himself, appropriate ones, thank God, to a woman for his dating profile and talking about how attractive she is and all of that. And he has a girlfriend. Good for him, okay. He just wants a bigger dick. We all do. Yeah, don't.

I agree, yeah. I'm like, oh God, if you saw my Google search. All right, Jake, let's keep it on the path. How do I put my small dick in my big butt? Stick on the show. I agree. Wait, what was the last thing you said? And I'm hoping it wasn't said.

Cut it out, Kev. All right, yeah, I mean, he didn't say anything. All right, listen, Marcy. Kev, can you use that to sell the show? Yes. We have an episode title. So your boss is dating and you're exposed to it, and so to speak, and he wants a bigger dick.

He wants a bigger dick. And there's photos he sent to his girlfriend, what else? Are the photos, how, are they appropriate? He sent to somebody who's not his girlfriend. Right, so he's cheating on his girlfriend kind of. Okay, he's 69 years old. Yeah, kind of. He probably went through a divorce about five years ago.

What an animal. Maybe he wants to play the piano. He wants to play the piano. Before it's over. He didn't sow his oats when he was younger. And now he's like, it ain't over for me, this internet's cool. He's got some, as long as I have a bigger dick,

it'll expand my ring. I can't do it with this tiny little sausage. I can't watch this YouTube video at work. When I get home, I'll figure out how to make my dick big. Note to self, watch this link titled, how do I enlarge my cock in my 60s? So what else, Marcy? Did we close up the Shapiro case? So where are we at?

We are paralegal. Um, has told him on multiple occasions. We can see it. Oh, I forgot this was a law office. Jesus Christ. Imagine if this goes, your lawyer telling him as it works and the hasn't changed it or made a move so far. So what can I do to like get it through to him?

Oh, Marcy. So the paralegal already said something. Okay. Interesting. Wow. So he has been told, so what can I do to get it through to him? That's my question. I understand. So the paralegal already said something to him. Okay, interesting. Wow. So he has been told, but he didn't do it. I'd love to witness that conversation. Same.

How do you jump off that? Oh yeah. I mean, you care about him. How do you do it? How would I tell him? Yeah, I'm Alan. And I'm the paralegal. You're the paralegal who has to say it.

Hey, Alan. Hey! Hey, man. So I- Donald, how are you? Yeah, good. So I need to. How are you? Yeah, good. So I need to tell you something. By the way, sharp looking shoes.

Thank you. What do I get a pair like that? Nike. Nike. Yeah. Or kind of anywhere. Oh, with a swoosh. Yeah.

So your emails, you know how you CC everybody. Did you get the last one I sent about the party that my girlfriend's having? Huh? Oh, I meant to send it out. Yeah, I get all of them. Oh, you do? Yeah, so... Well, not my personal one.

Yes, your personal ones. This is what I'm telling to tell you. It's embarrassing. You have to have a work and a personal one, because everything that you look at on YouTube, everything you look at on YouTube, we all see. No.

Yeah. What are you talking about? I don't really look at stuff on YouTube. Everything you look at, sir. Everything you look at and you email yourself, every employee here sees, and I promise you, we should have a work email and a personal email, and we never have to talk about it again.

Everything you've sent yourself from YouTube, sir. I've got the only thing I've ever been on YouTube, Tom. You have, sir. Tom, I don't. Everybody's seen it, sir. I've got totally I've ever been on you have Everybody's seen it sir. I don't sir so Marcy Marcy. Yeah Yeah, so I think here's I got my first pitch for you We can enter the world we can enter the world of crazy on this one very easily

We probably will yeah, but I want to give you a first order of operation that feels like a fastball right down the middle that's about 91 miles an hour. It's pretty basic. Somebody who's good at technology at the company goes into his email and blocks the CC to everybody then starts him a new email. Same if he likes Gmail. I'm sure this guy's a fucking a well calm tiny egg planted gmail.com, but you start him a new email That is his work email you give him the code and you say we are now as a company doing a different thing We all have Law firm. That's a good idea law firm underscore Allen law firm underscore Alan. Law firm name underscore Marcy. And we're just using these.

You save a 69 year old man of utter humiliation. Yes, good. You don't want him to go, if everybody who I worked with knew I was looking at YouTube, if everybody saw my Google search, I would die. Yours especially. Yours is insane. Insane, insanely embarrassing.

Jake Johnson, how do I get my dick back? Jake Johnson, Jake said, how do I get my dick back? Put on dick and butt. It goes, how do I get my dick back? Am I a silverback gorilla? How do I become a gorilla? Does jujitsu shrink your dick? This is not about me, Marcy, it's about you and Alan.

So what do you think about- Dick smaller after jujitsu, why? Rash on dick, jujitsu Matt? I have no rebuttal, which hurts the worst. It's just getting pounded by bullets. I don't have a gun. Okay, so Marcy, this is about you. What do you think about somebody, what about you, Marcy, create a new initiative and that is work emails. Name of the law firm, underscore your last name.

Everybody gets one, including Alan. So he just goes, okay. Then you go, now everybody's gotta un-CC their original work email. When you hear that, what do you think? We kind of already, we already do that. I definitely think that's the right first move. But, okay, so since you already do do that,

I like what you're saying, Jake. You wanna spare this guy. You gotta. You can't let him know. So maybe there's a way to kind of do it again and perform like, hey, we're doing this. Just make a bigger. Mandatory.

Make it really clear. Yeah, it's mandatory and make it really clear. Just be deliberate with Alan about this change. Go ahead, you got something to add? Yeah, go ahead. No, you go. Well, I think maybe because it does feel like he knows this.

Maybe you've got to shock him into it a little bit by by showing him what it's like to experience this embarrassment. So maybe you or someone you work with sends a screenshot of a date. I mean, again, you just fabricate this, but you send a screenshot of you writing something dirty to someone on a dating profile and send it to everyone and then be like hey sorry I just send that from my personal my bad actually a great idea because what you do is you create an embarrassing scandal yes yes that you can talk to Alan about and go like I don't know what to do because Jenny sent something. It was a YouTube video about how to make her personal parts smaller.

Bigger, smaller, smaller. How do I get a bigger vagina? Yeah, that's what every girl asks. Got tapped out in Jiu Jitsu, my vagina hurts, why? Oh my God. So, vagina rash, Jiu Jitsu related. What do you think about creating a fake scandal? That's a great idea.

It's a great idea where, and Marcy, maybe you're the one, maybe you're, what we say. You could be a hero. What we say in Jiu-Jitsu is sometimes you're the hammer, sometimes you're the nail. Yep, all right, let's remember what's going on over here. Jay, let's focus on the. I agree.

Yeah. So what do you think about creating a scandal that you do the email where you send something personal and then you have to say to everybody, you say, hey, I'm going around personally to everybody who works here, and saying I sent something, I messed up about a dating site for my personal,

and I'm really sorry. It's so embarrassing to me. I'm so embarrassing, and as a way to make sure this doesn't happen again, I'm asking if everybody creates this new work email thing because personal stuff is getting leaked around and other people are saying it's happening too. And he now sees what it's like to like,

you know, have a window into someone's dating life. We gave advice kind of like this that was wildly successful about a nurse who had one of the other nurses with really bad breath. Oh. And she didn't know, but the- I remember that one. The patients were complaining.

You know, I've said something. You have? I did it in high school, in a high school play. What happened? He thanked me. He did. The guy said- What a smelly thank you.

And he said, oh my God. And I said it very gingerly, you know? I mean, the approach was like, hey, listen, you know, I had my hands, I was like, I was coming out of a, like a hostage situation. We give up. Yeah, give up. Hey, listen, you know, I had my hands, so like I was coming out of a, like a hostage. We give up. Yeah, give up.

And I said, I have to, I was just very tentative. And I said, but your breath is, it's, and he said, and I think, I don't even think I got the whole thing out. He said, is it bad? I said, it's, and it was, it was so fucking bad. So, Marcy, what do you think about, that's a good person. What do you think about doing the Justin Long

and you walking into Alan's office. I don't know if I could do it anymore. Uh, and saying straight up to him, Hey Alan, I think you're a great boss. I really like you. I really like working for you. I need to tell you this as somebody who respects you and likes you, you go hands up hostage situation direct, direct, and you say, I'm seeing everything you're sending and I'm seeing stuff about your dating apps. I'm seeing stuff

I'm seeing YouTube videos about how to enlarge your well, you don't have to be clear You don't know if you could stop that you could say I'm not looking at it So you have a penis and we're all talking about but you could basically but you need a way YouTube's a weird place to go But for a 16, it's not a side of Pornhub Alan But the idea of going I don't know the reference. Yeah, Jake, what an amazing... It's like a mirror cat, people pop up. Jake, Jake, acting like he's like, Jake, Jake.

YouTube, I know. But YouTube educational. Oh my God. Marcy, this is about you. So you go in, I like that. You go in... Well, what do you think about going in, doing the Justin Long and having the talk? Could you do that, Marcie? I think I can, but-

Let's practice! Let's practice. Justin is Alan. Okay, and I have two scenarios. I'd like to try two scenarios. Marcie's the same. I'm gonna be different two times. The first one's probably more likely.

Okay, Marcie, I want you to do this as real as you can, okay? Okay. You just walked in, Alan's in the office. Ah, hello Marcy, come on in. Please, take a seat. Hi Alan, how are you? Well, how are you? How's Sean?

He's good, he's doing great. Actually, I'm not doing as well as I hope. I just kinda wanted to come here and talk to you about something. Of course, you know my policy, open door. We share things here, nothing to hide. Let me finish my narration of this children's book. Please, please pull up a seat there dear. Hold on, let me finish smoking my pipe. And also trying to make my emoji bigger. Oh, the egg grass.

Sorry, you're back here. L-O-L. All right, keep going Marskies. L-O-M. Oh Yes, yes, I'm sorry As do I You've been a very great boss to me, which is why I really care to come and tell you Um, I could see all of your emails. It's like no no shame like no worries about it I just wanted to let you know, like I respect you and your personal life and I wouldn't wanna impose on that.

If, yeah. So, yeah, I could see all your emails. Of course you do. That's why I see yours as well. That's why we send them to one another. I'm sorry, dear. I don't understand the issue. Oh, I could see your dating profile, Alan,

which is again, fine. And also I do see emails you send to yourself. Now here's, I'm gonna throw the, this is the plan B scenario. Okay. Probably less likely, but you're the same Marceline. Please come in. Hey Alan, I just, I wanted to come and talk to you

just because I respect you as a person and as a really good boss. You've been really good to me. Oh dear. Just wanted to say, I can see your dating profile and all the emails you send to yourself. It's not a big deal.

No, I know. Yes. It's what you do in your personal life is your thing, no shame at all for that. No, no, no shame had. I know, yes. I know, yes, I know that's quite, nothing to hide. And so, just for, I'm so nervous, I'm like shaking. No, there's no need to, oh dear, you're fine. I have nothing to hide, and it's what I try to foster here in the office is full transparency. Yes, so I have certain issues that I don't mind

that you know about. I think Justin was right to say that's less likely. But if it is, there's no solution. Well, if there is, you're right. Then he's a voyeur, he's doing it on purpose, and you move on. He wants people to know he's out there, and he's trying to make things happen.

I'm about to get weird. Yeah, so Mar move on. He wants people to know he's out there, and he's trying to make things happen. I'm about to get weird. Yeah, so Marcy. Maybe he wants advice about how to. I will say your side of that was very strong. Yes, yes, very good. I thought it was very nice. If I'm Alan, which one day in my late 60s, I will be.

Sooner. Hopefully. Sooner. This is going to happen to me relatively soon, where someone says, you really screwed up with your technology and we saw what you looked for and it's embarrassing for you, my man, and I'm saving you. That's crazy, I'm close, I'm about as close to being Alan

as are you than Marceline is to being Alan. Yeah, that's exactly right. Jesus. Let's not go there. That's all right. Mercy. Justin Long has a have called life is short But Marcy so to go off of that you're very good at that that could work there is also the

Creating a scandal that Garth pitched. I think is really one more just in case very quickly You guys do like like company meetings or like there's five or six of you around a boardroom I mean, I don't know how the real business works that happens alright yeah uh... that five of us the added okay but i don't like someone's computer is up on the screen maybe uh... i see we're going to get set that up all

i think you're carrying all of them yet but i don't want to lead the witness okay why not into one of these meetings when you're doing these things in your kind of walking through whatever you have to Accidentally click on one of the windows which is the YouTube video I'm gonna make your dick bigger and be like sorry that was in one of the emails. Sorry something like that But that doesn't yeah, but he's still got to suffer the embarrassment of it. Yeah, it's another embarrassing Hail Mary, but this is so so Mar, your options from us are shame him,

which doesn't feel good, but it is effective. Two, create a scandal that's entering the problem through the back door. And then while you're there saying, we've got to solve this problem, let's all do work emails and stick to it. Personal emails and work emails have to be different because of this huge scandal that just happened, this very embarrassing thing. And three, I don't remember. Honesty. Of course we never remember that one. Three is the weirdest. Be honest with the guy.

So the floor is yours young lady. What are you gonna do? I think I really like the idea of the projection of the computer screen. Oh wow, I thought she was gonna pick honesty. Always the wildest one. Yeah, really. And how are you gonna do it? Walk us through the plan.

Can't wait. So, and take your time, but really how you'll execute it. Are we all gonna be members of the meeting? You're damn right we will. Yeah. That'll be really funny. It is in person though. So if you guys want to.

No, I would actually, I really would like to hear how you're actually going to execute this one. Because this is a wild move, I see. It's a swing. It's a swing. What I'm thinking is that I'll have my email pulled up already, and there's already like, it separates the Gmail into

The primary inbox and the social the socials inbox and something else And so what if I already have the socials email pulled up and that's where I see all of his dating profile anyway So he'll be able to see that we get his dating profile, right? On the social email side and how do you adjust to the fact that he's an old timer and he's not putting it together? We used to do this to my dad where we could do something right to his face and he wouldn't see it.

That is so funny. So I think- But how do you push it? I think you act it up. Act it, be like, oh God, sorry. Yeah. Oh geez. Yeah, that's interesting. Fluster, yeah.

Yeah, fluster. So part B of your plan is if he's not noticing Then you need to act so embarrassed by your screens frozen and it takes you a little bit of time to close everything Then you need to apologize and say sorry about that, but I'm getting everybody's social emails to it. Some really weird stuff comes up Yeah, that sounds like a plan now because this show is not called. We just fuck around for no reason Alternative time. Oh, are you actually gonna do this? I? Am actually yeah, and when are you actually gonna do it? Our next meeting should be in a few weeks, maybe three, okay

Will you, Kevin, can we schedule a follow up? Kevin, can I fly in for the meeting? The day we're going to do a follow up with you for the day after, regardless of how it goes, if you have a great story, not a great story, we just want to hear what you did, you're going to call in, remind us what it is, tell us what you did, how it went down and we might have to give some follow up advice, but let's schedule another call with you. so we hear what happens. Okay, that sounds good.

Good luck, I can't wait to hear this next call. Be careful, be careful. And she is so good at the direct approach. Yes, you might need it, but let's start with the- This will be more fun for us. One last pitch in this is, do you have a coworker who can be kind of your teammate in this? Huh? Hmm. That's good. Yeah

Jazz jazz. Oh, are you talking about the music? My teammate is So can you talk to jazz so that you and jazz are a coordinated effort to win here I think so. Yeah, I think she'd be down for that. Play it out play it out You're driving but everyone every Batman needs a Robin and a big stock that needs them alone exactly Like the jet is that is that sounding good? Yeah, that sounds good to me Marcy. We'll talk to you in three weeks Thanks, Marcy. Thank you Marcy Thank you, Marcy. Thank you, Marcy. Okay, thank you so much.

Thank you so much. You guys are awesome. Thank you, bye. Bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz. Bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz. Gareth, I am a big Hulu person. Same. Hulu has New Girl on it,

Hulu bought my movie Self-Reliance. Yep. Hulu's the one that I go to a lot. They have sponsored our show and I'm excited about that because I know we're both fans and I like their animation Are you an at are you an animation guy a huge animation guy Jake? I love it And that's why we're talking about Hulu anima ham Anna mayhem is your animation destination to watch full seasons and new episodes of your favorite shows

Family Guy Futurama solar opposites hit monkey and Jake your favorite Bob's Burgers. You can also catch shows like The Great North, Grimsburg, Crapopolis, and many, many more. You know what? I'm going to give a pitch to the audience. We're here to help who are listening to this. If you haven't seen Bob's Burgers on Hulu, just start it. Because I'll tell you, it's really funny.

It's really well written. It's just one of those great animated shows that just, I get why it's got so many years under its belt. So we checked that out and you don't get any sort of, we're here to help. Gil sent me tag to watch it. Just probably have Hulu. Just watch it.

So just watch it. We love it. We're big fans. Hulu Animaham, your animation destination, now streaming on Hulu. Hulu. Biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, Hulu. Hulu Animaham, your animation destination, now streaming on Hulu. Buz, buz, buz, buz, buz, buz, buz, buz. Hello.

Hi, welcome to the show. Hi. Hi. Hey, can we get your name, please? Hi, I'm Mia. Mia, can we get your age, please? I'm 21. 21, you're just a kid.

And where are you calling from? Indianapolis. Cool, Shapiro's Deli. You know Shapiro's? Love it. I do. Mia, you got a special show. Yeah.

Not just the Garfin I. That's a regular show. Yeah. That's a given. And that's a fine show. You got the guy who I think was the funniest thing on New Girl. Get out of here.

That made especially the guys laugh so hard. Maybe only the guys laugh so hard. We talked about it. But you made Max Lomore and I laugh in ways where we were losing control and we also, when you left, we realized, oh, that's what this show is. You're allowed to be utterly ridiculous and it works. This is something he says when you're not here.

He said that repeatedly. As funny as it gets, as fun to be around as it gets, the best vibe on a set, Mr. Justin Long, AKA, The Gens. The Gens. The Gens. The classic Genslinger.

Mia, thanks for hanging in there throughout that very flattering introduction. I love you too. I love you man. I'm really happy very flattering introduction. I love you too. I love you man, I'm really happy to see ya. Me too. You said I love you too, is that T-W-O or that's T-O-O? I meant it as a T-O-O, but you're right, he didn't technically say I love you to me.

No, he meant he was trying to include himself. Oh, oh, Gareth, I'm just kidding. Mia, what's- I love you too. Mia, you still there? I love the three, all of you. Yeah. Mia, so what can we do for you today? You've got a bunch of people who are going to be pitching.

I think we're going to solve this one. The floor is yours. So last summer, I'm a senior in college. I moved into an apartment for my senior year and I'm staying there. And it has a pool, which is great. And so last summer, like in July, when I moved in, I went down to the pool and I was just hanging out like in the shallow end. And there was this woman in there who started talking to me. And she was super friendly, super nice. And then she asked me if I knew how to swim. So I said yes, because I do know how to swim. And she was telling me that she didn't, but she really wanted to learn. Love the setup you have.

That's great. Can I ask a superficial question? Roughly, what would you guess this lady's age was, Mia? 115. Six. I think maybe like late 30s. Late 30s, okay. Okay, and at what point, how, may I ask,

did she ask you that? What was the context? It was just kinda out of the blue. I'm scared to go to the deep end, are you? Because I can't swim, can you? You drowned before too? I dropped a quarter down there. I'll never be able to get it.

Nobody's ever been in the deep end. Do you guys know how to swim or are we all just standing in water? Why do they even make a deep end? Where's the lifeguard? Yeah. Cause I'll need one, would you? I'm peeing.

Are we peeing? But Justin's right. How does this come up, two women standing in the shallow end to somebody saying to the other, do you know how to swim? That's never happened in my life. I've been in a lot of shallow ends. No, it's never happened to me either.

It's three and a half feet deep. Wow, that's even weirder. The deep end, wait, the shallow end, okay. The deep end. That's the shallow end. Oh, it's a kiddie pool. The shallow end's the outside of the pool. It's inflatable.

Yeah, we're in our yard. So Mia, you guys are standing in three feet of water. You're small talking about Indianapolis, what's happening. Long's Donuts. Long's Donuts. Which I hope you've been to. Yum, yes.

Yum, yes, so good. It was all normal, okay, but then she asks me, she says, would you mind staying in the pool while I practice floating? I love that you said the loading. I was already in the pool, so I was like, sure, I'm not just gonna get out. My answer would be 100% yes.

I mean, you kinda have to. I would honestly say I'd prefer to. You'd be a monster if you said that. No, I gotta. No. But also, the opportunity in life, a stranger goes, mind chillin' while I do float practice? I'd love it, thank you.

I don't think I've ever seen float practice. I've never seen it. I've never seen anyone practice floating. So the woman says, am I watching me float? You say, of course. Yes, okay, but here's where it gets weird. Sure. She tells me, okay, thank you so much,

I'm gonna go get my gear. What? Gear? Okay, keep going. Her float gear? You're a great caller. Yeah, this is fantastic. For a second I thought you said deer. So did I.

Which would have been maybe less, maybe. Scarier. Scary. Yeah, yeah. Things can kick. It escalates. That's when you go, actually, I can't do this. I'm not allowed.

I'd stick around for that. She says, let me get my gear. Yes, so she goes and gets her gear, and I'm talking nose plugs, ear plugs, swim caps. What? What? Okay, then what? That is great.

And so then she like, I'm just sitting over by the steps kind of and she's kind of near me, she's practicing floating but she gets kind of scared. She was just learning and she asked me, can you help me? Well she wanted you to hold the back. Now I'm, this is unsettling. This is now unsettling. I'm still 100% yes.

No, I wouldn't have made it this far. I would. The second I saw gear, I'd be like, you know what? She says, will you support me? What do you say Mia? Yeah, so that's exactly what happens. She tells me that her friend once held her and I've kind of always been a people pleaser.

Me too. And I've only known this woman for like maybe an hour. I love this call. I would have held her. Me too. I can't believe an hour's gone by already. I held her. Oh my God, Mia.

I held her. How, is she making, when you say she's scared, how is she exhibiting her fear? Is she thrashing around? Okay, well, she wasn't thrashing when I was holding her at first. At first it was fine. She looks pretty serene. And that was another thing I was battling with in the moment. It's like, do I make eye contact?

No. Like, what am I supposed to do? No, because then you're stuck there. Yeah, no, you're looking forward. You're looking forward. Yeah, yeah, you're like. Eggs at the pool. That's what I was doing.

Yeah, you got it, your brain's alive, but your eyes are the eyes of a squirrel. Yeah, like you're trying to find a bathroom in a dark hotel, an unfamiliar hotel. You're just looking forward. Or like you're in a virtual reality. Yes. You're not here, you're elsewhere.

You're this, yeah. You're in this, you go to a small place. It's like trying not to laugh with you. It's like trying not to laugh, yes. So, all right, so you're holding this woman, loving this, then what happens? So everything was okay for like maybe a minute and a half and then she got startled again

I think maybe her head went a little far back or something She should not be in the pool She wrapped both arms around me Oh my lord And I was kind of holding her like a baby until I think she realized that she could just stand up Hahaha So now this is a hell of a setup. I don't understand where the questions come. Is your question. How do I repeat this? Should I move? No, I don't want to do it. That's the question. But here's the problem. Okay

She is a frequent pool goer and I know this because after this like strange but like kind of intimate Interaction god, I would look out my window and see if she was at the pool before I would go. And he was there like all the time. Practicing? She's waiting for... Did she recruit other people to help her float? That's a great question. No, it was just us. It was just us and I never saw her do it with anybody else, so it seems special. Can I ask, did you describe her physically? I mean, I don't know how, I don't mean that in. What, yeah, what is- What does she look like?

Just in terms, I wanna get a full picture of when you're holding her, what that looks like. Okay, she had on like a really cute yellow one-piece. Okay. And she was a larger woman. Okay, okay. I'm kind of petite, and so I mean roughly twice my size.

And she asked you to cradle. Like a reverse baby. This is remarkable. It is, it is a backwards baby. This is why. The old backwards baby. The old backwards baby, the old. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what we got here. Everyone's a while, life is good. Oh, this is, yeah. And just you go like, you know, everyone's going, like, what are we doing on this rock? Is it worth it? And then you go, there's some lady, twice the size of another lady goes,

mind holding me in the pool while I practice floating? And the other lady goes, I guess so. And then, now I can't go swimming though. Then that lady calls her show years later. And three strangers are dissecting it. Sometimes it works. Yes, yeah. Sometimes on this rock it works.

So Mia, the question is then what? How do you get back in the pool without holding this woman? Yeah, so like she works from home. I'm gonna have the summer off. You wanna go swimming, you're a one year old kid. It's in Indianapolis, it gets hot there. Burning hot. You want to go swimming. Yeah. When you're okay. It's Indianapolis. It gets hot there. Burn it. Just you can't go to your own pool.

What, what are we, what are we naming this woman? Can we give her a name? Martha. Martha is good. Will you try to put in your words the question for today so that we don't over talk you and fix a problem that's not exactly right. Okay. and fix a problem that's not exactly right. Okay.

How can I be prepared to see Martha at the pool and not hold her? Interesting. Okay, great. Should I ask her if she's learned how to swim yet? If I see, I think it's not an if, I think it's a when I see her. You will see, you will see Martha. So should I ask her about her journey? I think you've got to confront this.

Because if you're looking out the window. It's going to be, yeah. This is annoying. And you don't know, she might be looking out her window. You might have imprinted on her. So you're saying. Like when a duck sees someone. You're going to see Martha.

You're saying Garf, lean in instantly. Well, I think we've got to confront it. Get it out of the way. I have an idea because I am also a people pleaser at Mia. So I struggle with these things. I mean, not this thing specifically. You've done it. I can say I've never struggled with it. You've ever been in a pool. I'm a a people pleaser, Mia, so I struggle with these things. I mean, not this thing specifically. I can say I've never struggled with it.

You've ever been in a pool? I'm a former float coach. I'm a float enthusiast. I'm a floatist from way back. I'm the float coach. Yeah. I think what if you gave her, you set boundaries, and the boundaries are, because you sound like a nice person,

I'm sure you wouldn't mind helping again, as long as there are boundaries, if you say you go to the pool and you have this in your back pocket. I'm sure you wouldn't mind helping again, as long as there are boundaries. If you say, you go to the pool and you have this in your back pocket, you say, if you see her there, Martha come, no. Stop, hold on. Mia, will you be Martha? You know Martha, right? Yeah.

Will you actually try to do this like Martha? Oh, this is a good idea, yeah. And then, but really try to do her voice if you can. Really, Mia, get into it. You're about to work with a fantastic actor who's gonna step into 21-year-old Mia. You're at the pool, Justin, you are Mia. Okay, Mia, if you were to greet somebody,

you see Martha coming, what would you say, just so I have just a frame of reference? I wouldn't greet Martha first. Okay, good to know. So then, Martha, you gotta greet Mia. Okay, so I'm at the pool already. She you're wearing a yellow bathing suit and Mia's in something else. Okay, I'm petite She's big. Okay. Yeah. Hey girl. How's it going? I haven't seen you in a long time Hi, hi, Martha. It's Martha, right? Yeah, yes, okay

I've good to see you. How's the floating been? Oh my gosh. I was hoping you'd ask. Can you help me again? Martha's aggressive. I would love to Martha. I have so little time and I want to help.

Can we, I have five minutes. I have five minutes where I can help you. And then I have to little time and I want to help. I have five minutes where I can help you and then I have to get to my, because I have to practice my moves. I'm a random guy at the pool. What are your moves? Oh, you know, I've been, my back is, well, I'm not a middle-aged,

because I'm not a middle-aged guy, I'm like a younger woman, it surprises me that I have this back issue, and my hip is out. It seems like an older guy's problem. I've been playing pickleball with some pals. So Mia became just. Yeah, Mia became, it was too flattering a setup.

I couldn't commit to Mia. Mia, I had a question for you. In hearing that, is Martha that aggressive? I mean, I think that there would be like a little more small talk. Yeah. Okay. Let's do it. Sorry.

Let's try. Let's sorry. Let's get into it again. Cause I think that's putting you in a danger spot. I'm just saying the truth. Yeah. Okay. So we're starting to get Mia, you are back to, um, uh, Martha, you are Mia and you

are the lifeguard on duty. Right. Your name is Brian, the security guard. Oh, the lifeguard on duty. Great. Your name is Brian, the security guard. Oh great, Brian the guard. You're the security guard. So I'm gonna be a little more reticent to help. Oh yeah, or however you think is best. You're Mia, this is your pitch.

Okay. So you just saw her, Martha. Hey Mia, how's it going? Hi, hi. We haven't, it's Martha, right? Yeah, yeah. That's right, I helped you with the floating. Yes, thank you so much, you're a lifesaver.

That's what I am. Go ahead, keep doing your stuff. Hey, Brian. Hey, how's it going there, Mia? Good, good. Haven't seen you in a while. Be careful, Mia, I'd maybe talk to Martha. Quiet, Ralph, just sit over the pool

and get drunk alone again I've been I've been I've been away. I've not been using the pool, but it's been so hot lately So I just had to take a dip. It's so nice to see you. Good to see you too Martha. Take care. Ooh Mia it might have just fell into something really nice into the pool into the pool. Mm-hmm So here's a way you could do it go to the deep end no you're a killer you are joe pesci in every score says yeah yeah that's your barrier in the desert so i'm changing everything and going to your pitch yeah when you walk in she says hi jump in the deep end.

She goes, wanna help with, will you help me with floating? Go, I can't hear you, I'm in the deep end. You wanna talk to me? Swim over. Although, I will say Martha sounds like somebody, you know people chatting too much on a plane, you're stuck. You put the headphones in, I've done this,

and then you get the, and then you take them this, and then you get the... Yep. And then you take them out, what's that? Take one out. Yeah, no, I was just wondering if, do you like all the nuts? Because I noticed you left the cashews in the, and then you have to put them back in, and then what do you do?

Martha sounds like somebody who would... We'll keep pushing. We'll keep pushing, keep liking them. Okay, but what we could do is we could make the AirPods, not music, but a phone call. So you could be on a call the whole time you're there there fake a call, but we're entering a bad zone. She doesn't she wants to be at that pool a lot Yeah, she's not where but you can't there's something here. She wants to relax. Yeah, but what about the idea of some sort of waterproof headphones

That seem as if you are swimming listening. So if she talks to you. Plugs. Plugs, you go like, earplugs. Earplugs, that's great. I wear them when I sleep. Yeah. Yeah. Because I'm middle-aged.

That's great. Why am I looking at this camera to talk to Mia? Mia, because a lot of people wear them. Yep. And then if she asks you anything, make a big show of like, sorry, sorry. Agreed. Yeah, it's a lot.

Say it again, it's a lot. And then she's gonna have to think about what she said, it raises the stakes for her. Yeah. So it's not just casual for her. Because right now Martha's at a casual level with you. Agreed. And you wanna get away from casual.

You want it to be a little bit more, you know. You could also combat that if you went down to the pool with someone. Like then it would be an even weirder task. But then we're, yes it is. All right, I got one more. Okay. Why not the next time you see Martha,

you're gonna have this, agree to help be the float coach again. And while you're float coaching, you start to go underwater too and you have a petite all freak out. And you go, oh my God, I'm sorry. And you're like, sorry, sorry, Martha. And you get out of the pool and you go, I don't know.

It's like, I already have a little bit of trouble in the pool. Trying to help you. So you can't do it again. Bad coach. Yeah. Bad coach. You freak out a little. Yeah.

Unexamined float trauma. I would say you could go two paths on that because you could go trauma coach where you're creating a really weird performance in the middle of a very weird situation. Yes. You're out weirding her. Yeah. But the other way to do it is very simple. Kill her.

Nope. She gets in your arms. Let go. Let her go. She gets in your arms. Let's say head is on left arm. Just do the, uh, mood. And she goes like, and you go like this, sorry.

And she goes like, honey, you this sorry and she goes like honey you let my face go under you go sorry she goes let's try again also good and then she goes bad what are you doing i'm not a floating expert it's also i just came here to swim this is a dangerous one yeah out weird her how would you out weird her you're you're cradling her you're floating and you just turn right to her Yeah, they're at her. Oh and get close You could ruin because part of floating or home relaxing Oh, yeah, so what if you do that face to face lullaby or no? You don't let her relax start telling her about your dreams all your dreams are violent

That's so you're like oh, she's like oh, this is good, and you go Yeah, I had a crazy dream last night, and she was what happened you going this now It's the same reoccurring when I killed a hundred babies or just say that you Baby's say that you house rats just talking about your right you have in your apartment Yeah, just I I have like 30 rad make her- Someday I wanna bring my rats down here. I train rats. Rats, anything that she goes, Mia is not a safe place. I come down here to wash the dander off.

That's good. I wanna teach them how to swim. In case the apartment gets flooded. I'm glad I have an ally in here. So Mia, what do you think of the idea of outweirding the weird situation to make yourself not a comfortable spot? What do you think of the idea of out weird in the weird situation to make yourself not a comfortable spot? What do you feel Mia? I think that would be effective Okay, so let's do this Mia Justin you're Martha. Okay, you're in her arms

Mia you are now cradling Martha in the mid deep waters. Okay. Oh my god Thank you girl. Thank you so much for this. It's I don't know what it is. Why I never learned to do this. I'm starting to shiver a little bit. No, you're you're doing a great job. You're doing a great job. But can I tell you about the dream I had last night?

A dream? Sure. Sure. Don't let my hand go too far. Dream sure sure I was I was in my apartment and all of a sudden my collection of rats and jars Started exploding all over the apartment. There was glass and water Dead rats all over you try you dreamt that you had rats? That was part of your dream?

Well, those are real, yeah. Great. You really have rats? Yeah, in my apartment. Do you want to come see them? I have 30. Don't invite a wee go over. As much as I hate rats, I guess since we're such good friends,

I should probably get used to the rats. Game over. Mia, here's probably get used to the rats. So game over. Okay, game over. Mia, here's what I'm going to say. I think your instincts are very good with the weird and out. I think you can win there. Never invite a weird person who steps over boundaries into your home. You're going to have a roommate soon.

And you don't have rats in there to prove. Then you become crazy. Right. You got to go get rats. Yeah, then you got to get a rat. And then you're entering a whole new weird situation. Now you're entering a sitcom. Then you are the rat person. Yeah.

Now you're living a sitcom. Yeah, we're in Act Three. So here's where we're at, Martha or Mia, and we gotta go to you. You get onto that pool, you see that woman in yellow, you jump in the deep end. She tries to talk to you, you have earplugs in. Yeah, there's swimmers' plugs.

You tread water to take them out. If she says, honey, you can't communicate, say to her, come here. She says, I can't swim. You say, sorry, I'm swimming. Okay. Boundaries firm. Two, you become a bad float coach. She wants you to float.

You do it poorly. Three, you have a traumatic experience while being the float coach, and you have a freak out that ruins her experience. Four, you out weird her while she's in your arms, you make direct eye contact, you whisper about your dreams. Hum. Hum, you turn her safe place of floating

into an unsafe place, you are no longer a safety for her. You are the weirdness. Mia, what are you thinking kid? I think I have to go with the first one because the other three involved me holding her again. Yeah, I think that's a really smart move. Cause they also have the potential to galvanize the relationship

and make it harder to get rid of her. her until how are you gonna do it Mia? I'll be Martha. I'll be Martha. Okay. Thank God. Hey Hey girl Hey, man, yeah Hey, oh, I guess you may you reminded me. I gotta go get my gear. I'll be right back. I'll be right back Oh, no, okay. Will you be here? No I'll be right back. Oh, no. Okay. Will you be here? Oh, no Get a shirt that says that oh

No, I mean just by the way. Yeah, just two times has Martha do so hard You had a flashback. Yeah concerns me that I'm infinitely better at playing Martha than Mia. So Mia. Yeah, you're really good. Mia, here's what we recommend. You're going to be great. When you get there, you're listening to something, you're busy, you're in your own world. If she starts to say hi to you, pretend you can't hear and jump right in that deep end. And when she asks you, if she asks you to help her float

and you don't know how to get out of it, do a bad job, dunk her. Yep. And here's the best news. The best news is that you, no matter how many interactions you have with her, it's just gonna be fun fodder. Yes, forever.

Forever. You're gonna have this story. One day you'll be talking about this and it'll be an ongoing saga, hopefully for us. We'll be hearing from you again. And Mia, please, please follow up. Please. Please.

And you sound like such a nice person. I feel for you, but it's what makes so many great coms. I mean, it's Plains Transan Automobile. It's great. Yes. You have deep endell. Yes. Mia, thank you for the call. I'm honest to Dell. Yes. Yes.

Mia, thank you for the call. I'm honest to go. I knew you. The next time you go to that pool, will you call us right away and tell us what happened with Martha? Yes, 100%. And don't just say randomly,

I'm gonna be in the deep end. You have to go in the deep end. Yeah. Don't say oh no. Don't say oh no, think these things. Think oh no. Thank you, Mia. Okay, Thank you, thank you, Mia. Thank you, Mia.

Hello? Hello, hello. We got you perfectly. You're on a follow-up call, but we don't know what the follow-up is so the floor is yours. Hi you guys. My name is Marceline. I'm the one who could see their boss's personal dating and did good emails. Okay so what happened? Where are we at? What was the advice we gave? What did you end up doing? Walk us through this. Okay. Thank you.

So the advice that you guys gave was to put it up on a projector during a meeting. Yeah, it kind of failed. Oh, it's fine. But we also recovered and did a Plan B, which is also what you guys said. Hold on, slow down. You're jumping. You're jumping. You're jumping. What happened with the fail? Okay, I'm jumping. All right. Yeah. What happened with A? Okay. So what happened with Plan A is I had it all set up me and the paralegal jazz

we had it set up to Click through a few emails and happened to come across like three of his personal emails One from like his dating email and one from like his kid or something Yeah, so when I pulled up the Gmail to do it though the page rebooted and one from like his kid or something. But, uh, yeah. So when I pulled up a Gmail to do it though, the page rebooted. And yeah, sometime, like I, I don't know why it rebooted. I like tested it like three times, but they rebooted anyway. So it brought me back. It brought me back to like the inbox homepage. And Alan noticed

and I looked like we had seen a ghost. He asked us like, why do y'all look like you've seen a ghost? Because we all knew it went bad. But he had no idea. Yeah, he had no idea why she and I looked so weird. But he knew something was up. Okay. Yeah. Then you didn't want to go back and do it again. Well, exactly.

Cause you're like, yeah, smart. Okay. Yeah. So then that was plan a, it was a fail, but not your fault. Technology screwed you. And then what was plan B? Yeah. Plan B actually came to us like from the universe or something because the emails started up again, but this time there was like um it was him obsessively emailing his girlfriend asking

him to call her or asking her to call him um because i think she found out about the dating profile so um he sent himself screenshots of his text saying like, uh, you left me on red. Um, just wanted to know if we could work this out. Oh my God. Yeah. Getting older is humiliating. So, so wait, so where did that, where did that lead then? Yeah.

So basically, uh, Jazz and I made eye contact from across the room because it was happening in real time. And so we love that. By the way, I love that your partner in this is named Jazz. Yeah. Yeah. Because you are making it up on the spot too. Yeah, it's just like so Jazz was over there.

I had my fedora on we went in there. We were both smoking little cigars and we figured this out. It's like, you know, Alan, he's got his legs all the way from the floor to his neck. Exactly. So you and Jazz, you guys tap toe into this thing and what happens then? Yeah. So, uh, we just rushed over to where his desk was and we were like, Alan, Alan, um, Hey, we can see what you're saying. Oh, by the way, perfect. Perfect. Better. Yeah. So like it worked out and then he was just like, oh, oh, so you could see everything I'm sending to. And we were just like, yes, it's no problem. We understood it was private.

Like, but this is, oh, but you use the small one and that is I'm not talking about the other small one. I'm talking about the small one of he just sends a text to his girlfriend saying, please call me and you go, I just saw that. I'm probably seeing other stuff. Let's fix this problem though. Yeah. And we made a plan with him to email. And so what did Alan say?

What happened? Was he thankful? Was he? Yeah, he, he Was he? Yeah. He took it really well. I'm shocked that he didn't get embarrassed. He was just like, oh, my bad. Yeah, let's make an effort to fix that.

We'll get into contact with our old IT guy. Yeah, it's being filtered into an archive inbox now. Did you guys notice that I've been watching videos on YouTube on how to make my penis bigger? Okay, just wanted to make sure The one thing I just I gotta make it about us for a second Gareth because this feels like a really happy win that Wasn't our I'm gonna I'm gonna bring you back to us. Thanks. I think it is a win for us Okay, because we set up this whole concept, this whole plan in motion. Respect. I think we teed up the emotional ability

to be able to jump through this ring of fire and make it happen. So even though the plan that we set up didn't work, they were ready for the mission. And when the moment represented itself, they struck and they struck hard because of our pep talking and because of what we told them to do in the locker room. Something that you just made me realize is sometimes our pitches are going to make you run a mile to just go a block forward. Because it's all part of our master plan. You know, we really wanted you to go here.

Talk to Alan. Talk to the Alan inside of yourself. No, actually we really wanted you to go here. Talk to Alan. Talk to the Alan inside of yourself. No, actually. Okay. Go ahead, Jake. Yeah, no, actually, actual Alan. Actual Alan. We're talking about actual Alan. Actual Alan and the Alan in yourself that watches YouTube videos because our dicks, Gareth, aren't as big as we would like them to be. No, Jake, I'm going to mall you. In ourselves. But Jake, even weirder, we're not talking about our inside dicks. It's getting crazy. We're both wrong, but what you said the first time was right.

We will make you walk a mile to go a block. And don't watch YouTube videos because it doesn't work. Yeah, but that's so irrelevant to even be making that point. Thanks, caller. Bye. Thank you so much. Yeah, bye. Bye, thank you. Sorry about the end of the call and the middle.

You're good. You're good. Thank you, bye. Bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz. Bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz, bizz. Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. This next segment is an edited chat with our guest after the calls.

To hear the full extended conversation as well as early access to episodes, you can go to patreon.com slash here to help pod. Enjoy. Okay. So Justin, I would like to chat with you. You're not wearing your things. We don't have to.

It's just us now. You don't like it? Oh, you're not either. No. You can wear them. I'll come later. Your performance, and we said it to you on your podcast,

Life is Short, which I was on, which was one of the most fun parts of the pandemic. I didn't want it to end. Me too. The one time we replayed an episode, because we went on vacation was Europe. It's just our favorite. We just, whenever I tell people about it,

like people I want to impress, I'm like, ah, listen to Jake Johnson episode. It's nice, man. Jake's doing all the heavy lifting. It's so. It was so fun. That story you told about the Tom Cruise, I mean, you told some. Johnson episode. Jake's doing all the heavy lifting. It's so. It was so fun. That story you told about the Tom Cruise, I mean, you told some.

Yeah, we got into it. Just phenomenal. But you, I've talked about you behind your back a lot because what you did on New Girl to me was, and I've said it to Gareth a bunch. Many times. It changed my brain. Oh man.

And your path is fascinating to me because your impressions are incredible So your straight guy acted is something we talked about a lot on new girl together You can play the lead you can play the guy and this is why I loved Guilty as charged Justin yeah, but but you came in- Opposite Natalie Portman maybe. First of all, before we get to that, how did you get hooked up with the Vince Vaughn group? Did you do events before you- That's a good question because a lot of those guys I did, I did a Cole Hauser before I met

Cole. You did? What's your Cole Hauser? No, it's kind of like this, and the jaw is kind of like that. And when all those guys would get a little drunk, they'd all kind of like talking like that. Yeah, now you laughing right now, yeah? Now you fucking listen to me. And he'd get really scary.

But Vince was through Sam, through Rockwell. And how'd you meet Rockwell? Doing Galaxy Quest, my favorite. Oh, wow. So we did Galaxy Quest, then we did a play. We really, so Sam was the one guy. Sam's the best. He's the best, he loves you.

Yeah, I love Sam. He was the one on Galaxy Quest that, because this was my first big job, and I had never been to LA, and you know, this job where we talked about those big movies where you're on a lot, and there's like aliens smoking cigarettes. It's like what you think of in the Hollywood experience.

And so it was all so new. But Sam was the guy on that. And I didn't know Sam as an actor before that movie. But he really took me under his wing. And he'd introduce me to all these actors and stuff. Where's your Sam Rockwell impression? When he listens, it's kind of, oh yeah, oh my God, yeah, yeah, oh yeah.

You know, sometimes, you know, I know he doesn't really know what I'm saying. Like, you'll tell it, my brother told me that there was a turkey, like, in his yard, and it was just on his car, he told me this on the podcast, it was just sitting on the hood of his car, and my brother's afraid of, he has a fear of foul. Of course he does.

Yeah, and so I was like, oh God, I wish I had a video. I wish there was like a ring camera of like you, because he tried to make noise around it. First he went, he tried to shoo it. Then he went, yep, yep, you know, he tried to, and I was just thinking about how funny it would be to see my brother doing that. And so if I told Sam that story, he'd go,

oh yeah, a car, what kind of car? And he's like, well that's not really the point. Yeah, oh my God, oh my God, should we eat, you ate turkey? Like, no, I didn't eat, you know. And when he gets excited, I like to be excited Sam. Like if I told him I did this. He'll probably hear this. That is a great

way to like when they ask the wrong questions. I just wasted the last 30 seconds of my life. My wife always does that. Am I like pitching an idea? Am I pitching an idea I'm working on? I'll tell her everything and she'll go like what were they driving? I'm like it doesn't matter. Relevant.

I just made that part up. I'm trying to talk to this guy on the phone. This important call. I took up the call, but I had peanut butter. I was eating peanut butter. I'm going like this. Oh, what kind of peanut butter? It doesn't matter.

It was just peanut butter. You told Sam about this. Yeah, and he'd go, oh, so Jake's, oh, he was on a podcast? No, it's his podcast. We were on a podcast. He was on a podcast. No, it was his podcast. We were on his podcast. Oh my God. If I told him, he'd go, oh my God, that's awesome. He's fucking awesome.

Love Jake. Gareth, he sounds funny, man. It's awesome. Yeah. And then, how'd you? I'm sure he's done that to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God.

I've experienced. Yeah, yeah. Justin's awesome. So he would do that. He was Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've experienced that. Yeah, yeah. Justin's awesome, you know. So he would do that. He was like, such love for him. I mean, I could cry thinking about him. He's the best.

He's the sweetest guy. And so talented. So talented. Crazy. And he knew, he liked my impression. So he would like, he would make me do them for the people that I... He was like a hype man.

How'd you find your Vince Vaughn? So Vince was... Because that was what you were killing me, I remember. Well, I think we both probably just watched so much of, the outtakes of Maid are like- Yes, same thing. Well, Vince Vaughn in that era, and we took-

Killer. Killer, and also changed everything. Yeah, I agree. Watching him in Swingers and Maid, and then seeing him transition to the big studio movies. Comedy's real hard too. Everything he did, I was like, whatever he's doing is right.

Well I feel so lucky because I got to experience Vince when he was, and he said it, he was doing all those, he was trying to be like more of a dark, you know he wanted to be like a brando-y type actor and he's capable of it, you know he's so good. So he was doing like domestic disturbance and those, he was playing those like darker roles and then old school kind of brought him back to comics. But there was that period after made, before old school where he was doing these dark movies. And so when we'd all hang out, he was just,

he loved kind of like hanging out and talking and like telling stories and you know, and he loved it so much. And all the stuff that you hear in wedding credit and he loved it so much and all the stuff that you hear in wedding garages and stuff like, like coming here for the real thing, you know, or like all that stuff was, that's just him.

It was, I'm gonna take some, I love when he eats in that movie. He's just shoving food in his mouth. Ha ha ha, you know, and he's laughing with food coming out. He's like unhinged in that movie. I think I told you this, the Vince is always this when he gestures, cause he was in a car accident, and Sam was too.

They both have that, they both have kind of like. Weird fingers and thumbs. Weird fingers, yeah. Sam's got like, he's like, oh yeah, I was hit by a bike. I was delivering burritos, you know, so he's got that. And then Vince has a thumb that, so when he gestures, he hides it like this, and he kind of hits you like that. You're laughing, but I'm telling you something.

You know, it's like, and I think Vince was the guy that like he did for you probably, like. Yeah, yeah. Just changed everything. Changed everything. I mean, like the possibilities for, and really taught me that you had to keep everything, and you do this better than anyone.

I mean, to me, you're up there with Vince. You keep it all on story. I mean, to me, you're up there with Vince. You keep it all on story. I mean, we have fun and we go off and like, but like you are so good with story. And he, we were doing, I remember so clearly we were doing a scene in, because I was used to hanging out with him through Sam and we were just fucking do bits till,

he used to be really into this Elvis bit. He was fascinated by like late Elvis. The funniest. The funniest. The funniest where he's like, and Vince would be like, I mean, it's wild, he's fighting, you know, there are ninjas coming on stage, he's doing karate on stage and he's getting really into it, you know, and he's like, but he's into the music as well

and it's like passionate. And he would do, and he would make somebody, he was usually Vince or Elvis, you know, and he would, he'd go, okay,, okay, so Elvis is talking to a girl, and he's with a girl, and some other guy, a cowboy, tries to come in and take the girl, and he's being kind of aggressive, and he's not being a gentleman.

So okay, and he'd always make me the girl. He'd always go, okay, so Justin's gonna be the, Sam's gonna come in, and you know, and I go, okay. So he'd like to, you know, so I had to be. That was my, that was my intervention. And you know you're wrong. And I had to commit. Oh, you like to, you know, so I had to be, that was my, that's the second. And when you know you're wrong. And I had to commit. Oh, you have to, yeah.

It's so funny with certain people, if you're all with you, they'll go like, all right, of course I am. It's like in Shakespeare's days, I would've probably played in the Juliet parts, you know. I understood it, I understood, I was also 21, 22. And one night we were at, we got, Mike Myers was sitting there by himself

and we had all been like hanging out, it was a chateau, we used to go to the chateau and just, and I had never seen, so Mike's by himself and Sam and I were like, oh, jeez, Sam's like, oh my God, Mike. And Sam knows everyone and people love Sam, but he didn't quite know that, how much people respected him.

And he go, should we say hi? And I'd say hi to him. I'm not just going up to Mike Murray. He goes, well, I kind of know him. I go, well, okay, well, say hi. And we went out to Mike saying hi and I'm like, I can't believe I'm talking to Mike Murray. It's amazing, like legend.

And we said, we were hanging out over there and Mike was like, yeah, I heard you guys laughing. And so we brought him over to hang out and now Mike's doing the bits with. And we said, hey, we're hanging out over there. Mike was like, yeah, I heard you guys laughing. And so we brought him over to hang out. And now Mike's doing the bits with, and it was so crazy. You're doing bits with Vince Vaughn and Mike Myers. Oh, and Sammy Rockwell.

They're big guys I looked up to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Billy Crude up, all these actors that I loved. And at one point that night, Mike said, I gotta go, it's too much, I gotta go. It's too much, he tapped out. The bits were too much. It was just hours.

He's tired. Did he leave or did he go somewhere else in the chateau? That would be amazing. That's a good question. Maybe do another, that'd be awkward. But it was too much. It was too much. Wow.

But we would, I have such clear memories of laughing, back when you could smoke inside, we'd be laughing at this table and Vince would be holding court and telling the crazy and the greatest stories. And the women would come up to the table because it'd be these handsome actor, got Billy Crudo, Ethan Hawkins, these guys that, yeah.

And so women would come up and they go, their move is always, can I get a cigarette? And Vince would like, without breaking stride, and so I said to the guy, I had him right here, and he just like, with his other hand off for a cigarette. And he's looking at me like, I'm the security guy. And he's like, gives it to him. And so she takes the cigarette, and then the next move, usually they would ask,

and they'd be confused, because these were the, and I was like, I'd never seen women who looked like this. Like the most beautiful women, you know. And so I'd think, I can't believe he's not inviting, like saying this. And they'd say, and they couldn't believe it. You could see that it had never been said no to, you know. And they're like, can I get a light?

And you go, and then the guy comes at me, you know, and he grabs his Zippo and he just flicks it without looking at her. And the guy's coming at me like this. I'm like grabs his Zippo and he just flicks it without looking at it. And the guy's coming at me like this. I'm like, hey, there you go, sweet, thank you so much. And if they stayed longer, or they'd be bold enough to say, can I sit here?

And he'd go, you know, we're just hanging out with the guys tonight, thank you so much. I think there are a lot of guys out there who would love to get their hands on you. You know, I'm sure there are a lot of guys that would like to get to know you, but we're just having a fun time with the guys. And I remember thinking, I can't believe he's doing this. Like, I'll sit, he said, let us see you.

She can take my seat. She's like, yeah, I'll stand up for a while. Exactly. But it was so, but then I think about those nights and I think like, what, it was so much more, you know, not that, and then Ginny Groff would be around, there were women there, but it was like. But it wasn't about trying to hook up with you. It wasn't about trying to hook. It was just doing the bits for the game of the bits. It was so much more, you know, not that and then Jenny Graf There were women there was like trying to hook up

It was just doing the bits for the game. It was pure bit Which is just like all hours in the morning just joy Yeah, and then so we so that makes more sense So when you cuz when you came on it was early in the show We didn't know what the show was and you were brought in as kind of like a straight guy Genslinger the beginning of it did not have jokes. No, no. And you and I talked about it

because Nick didn't have jokes. Right. And you and I were kind of talking and we were both big guys, we were doing a ton of bits. Yeah. And you were like, I gotta make this guy funny. And at that point I was more kind of say your lines and if they let you improvise, you know.

But you can't get fired. Well, that was also your, that was your first big. For sure. Yeah, and so there's gotta be a part of you that's thinking, I just wanna tell the company line. Of course, you wanna get fired, but you came in and just. Well, my, I was inspired by you guys,

I was like stirred up by you guys, cause there's, you know, that environment, you know. Oh God. That environment is like, all I wanted to do was like do bits with you guys. And I realized that there was a really funny dynamic in that I was an innocent, like, and positive. It was like, kind of like Bill Murray in What About Bob.

He's just like, hey, you know, everything is, it's annoying, he has no idea how annoying he is. And so that's what I wanted only to do that with you and Max and the one. Well, you did a bit that I'll never forget, but it was when you were breaking up, Genslinger was breaking up with Jess and we were on a balcony and the bit was-

Yeah, I showed my wife, Kate saw it for the first time, she had never seen you grow up, and she was like, this is really, you love it. Nick was stuck on the porch. It's about them. Nick, the whole bit was after he leaves, I say to her, like, sorry that happened. We have a sweet moment.

Every time Justin would improvise, he'd be like, you did something where you'd be like, I really care about you and I love you. And then you would go, and you too, Jess? They would say like, verse one, everybody in the crew cracked up. Unthinkable timing. He wouldn't stop. I mean, I was cry laughing.

And you would know it was coming. Forget the on story thing. Forget that compliment. I learned how to be, tell the story. Particulous. Yeah. Justin, you're the best. I absolutely love you, buddy.

Thank you so much, man. Thank you for coming. Yeah, pleasure're the best. I absolutely love you, buddy. Thank you so much, man. Thank you for coming. Yeah, pleasure. The best. Truly. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt.

And the associate producer and editor is AJ McKee. Our social media director is Kaitlyn Tanwakeyo. And our video editor is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh. And you check out his music at oliverraleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com. The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to garethrentz.com.

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