We're Here to Help - 99: The Inner Circle with Andy Richter

Episode Date: July 25, 2024

Jake, Gareth and special guest Andy Richter talk to callers about getting in a restaurant owner's inner circle and gossiping with your girlfriend's mom.Later, the guys talk to Andy about his early days on Conan. Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] (Early Access, Bonus Calls and Q&As): Patreon.com/HereToHelpPodVIDEO: Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. We are. You're moving the mic away a little bit. You have a little sound effect. A little bit of a producer pop. Which is ridiculous because they can do it all in post. It's also like we are. People need to hear you like. Like, whoa.

Trippy, dude. You know what? It's the equivalent of an ice goal and everyone's smoking weed, and you get like weird lights in your room, where you're like, hey, check this out. And they're like, what? And then somebody takes a ball hit, and you're like, no.

You're like, was that cool? And they're like, yeah, pretty cool. Cool for you. I have like three cool things in my room. Check this out. Check out the ceiling. Check out the ceiling. check out the ceiling. Why?

Stars, man. And you know what I never understood because I had those stars on my ceiling. Some people would do like mine. I just stuck them up at random. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah. Some people would go like, what is that?

Is that like the actual galaxy? And I was like, you mean, am I gonna study something? No, I just literally put them all up. What you're seeing is Jake God Yeah, this is if I were to design the universe in my way We kind of go though something like this and then you would see certain people where you'd go like it happened in college Where you'd be like at some random girl's place you'd be like cool Then she like that's where Jupiter is and I'm like Alpha Centauri

What I don't even know that is I did the same thing I just stuck him where I do want to get high and I'll show you some stuff mine was like all of them right near the bed And I was too lazy to get a ladder over there So my galaxy so my galaxy sort of stops where I would have fallen from the bed And then I don't want to bring a ladder on the wall and you go why and you go I don't even know but I didn't know any of you all and then I did like three in the bathroom one on the hallway floor And then I did like three in the bathroom one on the hallway floor Just like bucket man, it's cool whatever then I at first I'm like you can have a whole line of them I didn't stick with I would love to see little Jake and it was sorry Arnold

Yeah, coming up with his little galaxy my mom said to me and it was a really weird realization But she was saying that as a kid I used to play games, I'd try to get my brother and sister to play Monopoly with me or war or whatever. This makes sense. Or darts. Russian roulette. Russian roulette.

She would say the weirdest thing in the world would happen because they wouldn't play with you and you'd go play Monopoly alone as like different characters and she's like, but you would lose. Oh, that is like the craziest character Developed that would be like I feel like something you put in a script The kind of guy would play Monopoly alone and somehow find a way to lose and be disappointed and say like I would do it

By country I'd be like Russia beat USA and she'd my mom would be like, what do you mean? And I'll go that I lost and she's like, how could you be disappointed? You're you were alone. And so and I would try my hardest as each character. And when one of the characters I didn't cheer for, I'd play horse alone. And I would lose that horse because I'd be like, Russia hit it from three. Oh, my God.

I remember playing. I remember it like because we had some like there were probably five, four years where I didn't talk to my dad. And so I'd be playing basketball alone in my front yard. And I remember the one day where my little English mother came out and goes, what's she playing? And I was like, horse.

And she's like, mind if I have a go? And like, she threw one shot and we were both like, go back in the house. Like we were like to each other. She was like, I guess I'll, I was like, yeah, just let me be kind of lonely and sad out here. It's what makes single moms, my mom did it once with me where I was in the backyard throwing a baseball against a wall. Yeah how big of a player was the

garage door? Everything. Everything. And she was like I'll play with you, pitch it to me. I threw one at her and she was like ah Jesus. I was like mom first of all thank you. Yeah. She's like we could also throw the football I'm like pass., first of all, thank you. Yeah. And she's like, we could also throw the football. I'm like, pass. Go. I would rather not play sports. Go in the house. Go in the house. I remember that so vividly.

Yeah. Such a funny sad. Just sad. And then the sweet mom looking at her son and being like, he just needs someone to play with and you know what? I'll do it. Well, but I think that probably led to why I was allowed to like start drinking in my house, probably around like 15 or 16

How did we make that jump? Eventually, my mother was like you just come into my world by the way. That's another connection I was allowed to drink beer at around 15 in my house. Really we had my mom one day said some weird like I Somebody had moose head at a party Yeah, I had moose head and I really liked it and my mom did not drink She was like if you really want Moosehead, why don't we go and get a six pack and put it in like the basement fridge?

And I was like, I'd like that a lot. That would be really cool for me. Thank you so much. Yeah, you're like, what do I say to close this? I would have friends over, we could drink at my house. That's what I had. That is what I had. Look at us connected.

What about cigarettes? No. See cigarettes, we even opened it up to that. Did your mom did your mom smoke? Yeah Oh, that's why yeah We had a we had a good few year run where we crossed over smokers and she found my cigarettes What brand I'd Marlboro mediums at the time? Yeah, sure the best by the way, well, I always think new ports I what that reads I always your outfit That reads, I always think- With your outfit.

I always think- Ha ha ha! Sorry. I always think if there's like a meteor headed for Earth, the first thing I'll do is go buy a pack of Marlboro mediums. This is not a joke. I've had a very similar thought. If I ever get diagnosed with a disease and it's over,

I'm gonna smoke pot every single day and I'm gonna rip cigs. Yeah, oh, cigs will be bad. I miss them so much. We'll get like, you and I would probably get five deep and be like I don't want to do this anymore But the romanticized version lives in my head where I'm like, I will I'll tell you what I well We're not doing a cigarette commercial in our intro. We've got a yeah So first of all to anybody what I will say the dumbest part about cigarettes is when you realize

What they do to you and the company's making them trying to kill you and you're getting hooked because you've seen people in movies yeah so nowadays if I see somebody smoking weird I think they're honestly especially way lonelier than it used to be you're the dumbest thing on planet way lonely I look as cool as you think you do you're the worst now stop it and it smells weird to everybody is not smoking I guess Richter is on the show and for people like us We'll talk about the years when we were that you know in high school our formidable years He and Conan it was the best the best It's such a trip like that's one of the things that's great about a show like this is like meeting people who you're like

Totally like when we had David cross honor Andy Richter. You're like dude you you really were Informative into what I wanted to do. Andy Richter is crazy funny, he's so good on the show, he's got his podcast, Three Questions, he's just, he is exactly what you want him to be. As always funny, always charming. Great on the show, great problems, great producer, chunk with a hunk.

And this is coming on after we've done the 100. Day of, right? No, this is coming on Monday. No, this is Thursday. This is Thursday, so this is tonight. Oh! Yep. Tonight.

It's not too late. Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, if you wanna join us for the Live 100. Yes. In studio Patreon. Yep. After dark. Get on Patreon.

Help after dark, we're calling it. Patreon.com slash here to help. Pod. Here to help Pod, yeah. Here to help Pod. Get on, if not, you're gonna hear it soon because I think this is episode like 96. So.

This is 99. Holy shit. That's insane. Yes, it's wild. So everybody, first of all, a little bit of gratitude towards you good people. Thank you for being with us. We are at 100.

Gareth, thanks for initiating this pod. Jake, thanks for agreeing. Been a blast. Loving it. Eventually. Yeah, it took years. Warmed me down like everything in life. Kevin, you're a hell of a producer.

Oh yeah. Thank you. To our whole team of people working, you guys are all killing it. Yeah. And to the audience and the bass who are here, we just had like Matt Walsh in, we recorded one with him.

Yeah. And what he was even saying, he's like, man, there's a whole community form in here. And we feel that and it makes it really special. Well said. I think we really are so appreciative. And yeah, we feel the feedback and we appreciate that. Let's make 100 more. Let's make 100 more and enjoy this episode without further ado. Enjoy this episode without further ado. Hello. Hi there. Welcome to the show. We're here to help. Can I get your name, age, and where you're calling from, please? My name is Will, 34, calling from Jersey.

So ready to go. Well, Will, I'm not going to lie. You've got Jake, blah, blah, blah, Hollywood superstar. You've got me. Hollywood superstar. You've got me. Hollywood superstar. Stop it. Sag after eligible. But you've got a banger of a guest helper today.

I'm sure I speak for Jake when I say we've been a fan of this man for a long time. He's killing it in the podcast industry. You know him from the food podcast he just hosted. In Culver City. But you know in Culver City that he just hosted. In Culver City. But you know in Culver City that he didn't know he was going to host. But he's a staple and a great friend of the show already. You've got Andy Richter. Andy Richter is here.

Andy Richter. Yeah. All right. You love that. Hey, buddy. Will, act calm. How are you? Jesus. Be calm, Will. Jesus Christ. You do know who I am, right? I do, yeah.

I'm 34, I'm not 12. Wow, 12 or 60. Yeah. We're gonna dig on the 12-year-olds though, Will. Yeah, yeah. No, he's right though, he's right though. You're not an influencer on YouTube? No, and you know what?

And I'm constantly trying to make headway with the 12-year-olds, and it gets me in trouble. Yeah. Gets me in a lot of trouble. All right, Will, so listen, you've got three great heads to help you with the problem. What's going on? So here's the issue I have, guys. I have an Italian restaurant that's two blocks from my house.

My wife and I, we frequent this restaurant a lot, right? And what I need your help with is I need to get into the owner's inner circle. What? Why? That's where I need to be. Why? Hold on.

Here's why, I'm glad you asked. Okay. Here's why. So I live in a dry town. It's BYO when you go there, but you know, they don't serve alcohol, but the owner has this cabinet of like top shelf whiskey and bourbon and when he's like Regulars come he gives them a big glass of this whiskey when they sit down and chats it up with them, right?

I need to get to be a regular. I want access to that Shelf of bourbon. I get this I get it. Yeah, why is your town dry? Yeah, what's going on over there? So it's a it was a Quaker town, right? So the Quaker that was our high school mascot to the Quakers and so the high school mascot was a Quaker very intimidating Oh fuck here come the Quaker. All right, we'll show those wild cats with Quaker Yeah, it wasn't the best in high school. I can tell you that. Okay. Well you didn't leave Okay, so he's got a nice whiskey operation going over there and you wanna be on the inner circle

of this Italian restaurant. Okay, pretty straightforward. So Will, is there anything we need to know about you, about the Italian restaurant? What's your dynamic over there? And what's he like? What's this guy we're trying to get in with like? Yeah, so an Italian immigrant, right?

It's his own restaurant. He started it. Antonio is his name. He knows me and my wife. get in with like. Yeah. Yeah. So an Italian immigrant, right? It's his own restaurant. He started it. Antonio is his name. He knows me and my wife. We go there every month or so. So he, we have a favorite waitress that is there and he sees us, he says hello, he leads us right to our waitresses section and sits us down there.

So he knows who I am, but I need to take it to the next level. I need to get there so I can be in the whiskey club. But is it just for, cause of free boo booze is that what we're dealing with here It's the it's the aura of sitting down at an Italian restaurant the owner comes and says hey my buddy Here's a glass of my finest whiskey. That's like some mafia shit. Yeah, I literally wrote mafia Yeah, you want to be in the mall. Yeah, kill his enemy. You want to walk in kiss each other on the right? You wanna be in the mafia. Kill his enemy. You wanna walk in, kiss each other on the cheek.

Right, right. And mouth. Put it not on the mouth, put it the good cheek. Right, right. Different mafia. Okay, eventually have them twist the arm of a studio chief to make you a movie star. Yeah, because you have a beautiful voice.

Yeah. And you got killer eyes, but nobody knows you. And nobody wants to work with an Italian in Hollywood. Yeah, you can in a nightclub act, so you can only go too far with that. So, in terms of, I think the pitch on this one's gonna be pretty clean, Will, and that is, he's the godfather. You are not 100% Italian blood.

But how do you get in? There's always like a weird Irish guy. There's always like the weird, in those mafia movies, they're like, You gotta have a screw there. They're like, the Jew. And the Jew's in the group. You curb stomp someone and everyone's like, weird in those mafia movies. They're like the Jew. And the Jews in the group. You curb stomp someone and everyone's like, whoa, we need him.

Yes, so it's either we go that direction, which I'm going to pitch against. Yeah, the curb stomp. Yeah, OK. Either you beat the hell out of somebody outside. Yeah, I think you hit his enemy with a car. I think that's the move. But I think the way you get in good graces

with the Godfather are gifts. I agree. That's what I was going to say. You greased the palms. Hold on. What happened? You went so hard with curb stomping as soon as I say gift without hesitation. Well in many ways a curb stomp is a gift.

It's an offering to the God. Garrett's first push, curb stomp is enemy. I go gifts. Garrett goes, and I agree. That's our pitch. I couldn't agree with you more. Legally speaking, that's where I'm at. Curbstomp is put someone's open mouth on the curb and then stomp on their head, right?

Yeah, you put, yeah, exactly. And that's very different than what I was saying, which was a gift, which I quite literally mean like a bottle of wine. Yeah. Or, or, I mean, and this is my quite serious pitch here, bring him a bottle of nice whiskey and say, can I add this to your collection? Because I like to have a nice drink after or before my dinner.

And since we come in here so much, it would just, I wouldn't have to bring the bottle with me and I wouldn't be carting back and forth in open container. So can I just store my nice bottle of booze in, you know, with your, and it would become like the step brother of your nice bottles of booze. And then you're saying then slowly work your way to actually be in the circle. Yeah, and then the first time he comes in, or the waitress, you know, they bring you some,

you tell him, hey, you really should try this, you know. You really should try Jim Beam. That's smooth. Yeah, yeah. Sweet old crow. What do you think about sneaking your way into the inner circle by giving a nice bottle and then also saying, help yourself

to give it to your other guests too. But when I come in, can I get this? But this is just a gift to you. What's your thought on that? How would Antonio respond? What's the vibe? I think that would work. My fear is, I don't want,

if I'm just doing this at the start, if I don't get into the inner circle, then when my bottle is done, does that mean I just got to keep supplying my own stash and he's just serving me my own whiskey to me? Well, very, very fair. Yeah. If it's not meant to happen. I mean, you do have to confront the fact that this is not meant to happen. The man already knows you.

The man already knows that you are, quote unquote, a regular. He says meant to happen. The man already knows you. The man already knows that you are quote unquote a regular. He says hello to you, now go sit over there and don't drink my fucking whiskey. But if you soften him up, even if it's a little against his steely Mediterranean will, he might soften him up enough where you become like a pity member of his inner circle. We'll take it.

So that, Will, that's the first pitch. That's not the pitch I'm gonna live in personally. You like Curbstone. Well, no. Well, I'm done, I'm actually gonna leave. Great to see you. Jesus, that's some respect. Because what I like about that is

that's the back door way in, but what I'm afraid is, Will, is what you said, and that is when it's done, he goes, do you remember the Johnny Walker Blue? Can you get a case? My guys liked it, and you go, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not the whiskey supply man. So what are you going with?

I'm thinking mafiosos, I'm thinking gifts. So I like the idea of starting with if it's a bottle of wine, I like the idea of something for his shop, finding out what he likes. Like if there's like, what kind of artworks on the walls? Is it horses? Is it landscapes of Italy? Your standard Italian restaurant,

like painted scenes of Italy. Okay. Right. I would try to find something that you could gift to him that feels personal so that he's forced to look at you and go like, it's pretty thoughtful, Will. Yeah. And you go like, I just want to say, Antonio, I love the restaurant, I love being part of the community,

I respect everything you're doing. And here's a Zabaro gift card. Yeah. And there's a place down the road that gives free breadsticks If you want to make an adjustment, I I like this, but I would say You know bring in Wine to a restaurant. That's like Coles to Newcastle unless it's like oh, this is a porch a good Portuguese You know like it's like it's a good yes, but some other country. Here's a pitch. Okay. Where's Antonio from in Italy?

Ooh, that's a good question. I could find that out. You gotta find out the town. Find out, find out. The wine is from that region. Yes. And you just say, hey, for my wife and I, we love having this in the neighborhood.

Right. This is a regular place. It means a lot to us. And I just wanna say, you know, in a town like this that's dry, Yeah. it's really nice having you here in a place like this that's dry, it's really nice having you here in a place like here and I thank you for being here from the home country

to this new home. Right, right. That's a good way to open up. What I like about Andy's pitch is you're telling him, I like whiskey, which you're not getting if you're giving him a painting. So who are the regulars that he's drinking with, Will? I mean the thing is I don't know if it's an age thing, because most of these guys are like 50s and above, so I don't know if I just, I don't have the respect from him.

When they're hanging out there, are they like rat packing it up, or are they with their wives, or are they all coming to dinner together? Or with the guma's. That's the mix. I have seen them, there might be some guma's there too, but it's usually a mix between family

and they're with their wives or with their other friends. I got a real question, Will. Could they actually be mafia? Whoa. Did we just blow the lid off of something? I mean, it might actually be. You going back to Kerbstown? Yeah, it might actually be.

Guys, let's remember this is a Quaker town. Yeah, right. But they might be in the Quaker town because there's less cops. That's what's so great about it. Or it's all witness protection, and they're meeting up again. They're my blue heavening at Antonia's. Is there a reality, Will, that, you know, it is Jersey.

It's not, we're not talking about Utah. Yeah, yeah, but, you know. Why, they picked this town? But do you really think that these are, these are like truly connected guys? Yeah. There's a possibility, but I don't think it's very strong Okay, does that their love does that exist? I mean cuz everybody knows whether there's

Connected people in their neighborhood. Yes Yeah, yeah that definitely exists. It does exist in your town. Here's in your town. Yeah, they're here. Oh, okay guys Yeah, yeah, so if there's a group of people saying well you're just Yeah, so if there's a group of people saying well, you're just Without I just respect because I would consider you a one of us on this couch Here's just a geek who's watched mafia movies. You want whiskey? Be careful what party you're asking to go to exactly you don't want to go like this is from the home country And then they give you a gift and then they go now. Here's the gift we need from you You go right right? I'll just pay you the $84 for the three drinks.

Or just, or what do you do for a living, Will? I'm in sales. So you then I'll be like, hey, well. Perhaps we can get some speakers. Yeah, exactly. Whatever you're selling, why don't you sell it to us at a discount? We would love them right off the,

right off the truck. Yeah. The right off the truck price. Well, how weird do you want to get, Will? I mean, we could go that route where you bring them a bunch of minks from a truck you held up or something like that. That's what I was going to say.

Cards and cigarettes. Yeah, just bring them a bunch of cigarettes. The other thing is just find out his wife's size and just wheel in a rack of dresses. Yeah. Yeah. Take your pick and tell me, you know, that's all I'm saying. And then there's like the ones with pockets, have bottles of whiskey in it. Yeah.

So, Will, how weird do you want to get to get this spot at the table? I think the last suggestion, I'm gonna look like a rival to that. Who is this guy bringing in all these me-toes? Exactly, what cartel is he in? Well, you don't understand how it works. This young buck coming in here.

You're a threat, because these are older guys. Very disrespectful, yeah, okay. All right, how about this? How about this? How about, I think you could combine all of these, but maybe you don't want to overly grease the wheels here. But what if you, the next time you go out there, bring a backpack with you

and have this nice bottle of whiskey in there. Yes. Okay? And if you've got the mafia guys over in their little whiskey corner having the whiskey jam session, that's when you kind of... Drop it on the table. Drop it on the table and bring it to them with Antonio and say,

I always see you guys here drinking whiskey. This is my favorite whiskey. I kind of like this, Garrett. And then you're kind of like portaled into the group as well. Let me get a pitch on that pitch. You can't have your wife with you. Well, you go to dinner...

Why? But you go to... It's a different animal to invite them both. What if you go to dinner. But you go to, what if you go to dinner and you let her know this is gonna happen one of the next three dinners. So you go to dinner with her and then they're there and you go, all right, look, order quick. And then you gotta get the hell out of here. Get the fuck out of here.

All right, you're gonna get curb stopped. You're in too deep, Felicia. So she, Felicia. Whatever her name is. So we're now turning Will into full Donnie Brosko. Yeah, yeah. So his girlfriend, her wife is Anne Heas're now turning Will into full Donnie Broskow. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so his girlfriend or wife is Anne Heishnow. Yeah, right, right.

He's gone way too deep. Yeah, right. Exactly. Have you ever considered dressing a little bit more from a pioso? How about this? How about this? Wear a lavalier, a Hollywood microphone. You know, a little more... How do I say?

Yeah, yeah. Mustache, slick hair, toothpick, leather jacket, shirt on button low, tight slacks. Chef's hat. Check out a pizza box dressed like that. Have you ever considered that maybe your look isn't right? Get a pizza slice outfit, show up, start napkinning yourself a little bit. I'm so greasy, huh? Good.

Sure could use some whiskey. A little whiskey might drive me out. So will grill question about you 34 from Jersey sales. What's your look man? Do you if they're gonna be a black and white photo of that that table? You're gonna fit in? That's another thing. Yeah, I mean, I definitely probably don't look the look the mafia part. I can tell you that. but I also think dressing in as a caricature of like a pizza shop owner might not do me too well Either yeah, I was kind of kidding about that kind of what you projected it now. We're now we're just joking

Yes, but the idea will of having a look that looks a little bit cooler well, yeah of having a look that looks a little bit cooler. Well, yeah, I would guess. A leather jacket's cool. A sector's cool. A bracelet's cool. Yeah, a bracelet's the weird addition that nobody understands. A gold bracelet?

Sure. But yeah, maybe a nice suit. A nice suit, something like that. How do they dress at the owner's table? We need to get an image of this circle. What's the vibe? You said over 50, but what's the vibe of this table? Are they a bunch of like golfers?

No, no, we're talking like, uh, but three top buttons are on buttoned hair and chest coming out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We've all seen the movies. Yeah. And we'll, what's your look? Uh, not that I can, I can tell you that. Yeah. But for real, will sport coat, no shirt. What do you look like? How do you dress? Usually, usually like, uh, some sort of like even a collared shirt or like a golf polo, I'm not, I'm not looking like, so let's, so we were joking a little bit, but I actually think this is real.

Their little circle is because this is who the owner relates to, makes him feel like he's home. So he's not selling them drinks because they're his family, they're his people. He moved from Italy to here, this is his group. You are a Quaker guy from New Jersey who he likes. But he's not feeding a weird golfer who's 34, you're not one of him.

So to be in the mafia and not be a full-blooded Italian, you gotta find a way in. Because they're always the guys who find a way in, but you've gotta fit into that table. And part of it is how you look, how you talk. You don't go to the table and if they're all going like, hey, did you see the Yankees? And you go, well, baseball is nothing but a bore.

You're not gonna fit in, right? So I think the first thing is, you change your look a little bit. You start dressing a little, only when you're there. But you have your Antonios look. There's a jacket, there's a shirt. What if he bumps into Antonio at the grocery store and he's out of his look?

Then he fucking hides, he runs in the back. I think he's gotta commit. He runs in the back where, he runs in the back. I think he's gotta commit. He runs in the back where the employees go to the bathroom. Yes, that's what Donnie Brosco eventually did, but he didn't start that way. But I just think, yeah, but he lived in a different town, he's in the thick of it. Well, I gotta say, I'm 100% with this.

I think you should find a way into this inner circle. What do you think about changing your look a little bit? And I'm saying subtle at first. Yeah, sport coat. Subtle at first. I'm on board with the change of the look. Because what you don't want to do, don't turn this shit into Halloween, don't look like a clown, because one of those guys might be a real guy and they might kill you.

Yeah, you got to look cool. So just watch Saturday Night Fever and dress like Tony Manera. But Will, what do you think for real about, you know, look at what they're wearing and then have something that those guys would think you look sharp and just show it up a restaurant or two like that. Lay the foundation, two or three trips like that. Trip three, then we bring the whiskey.

Yes. We do the drop off. So, cause that drop off is then, and what do you think of if you do the look, right? We would love to see photos of your look before you go. Andy, you don't like the look? As we talk about it, it just seems, it seems phony. And I think, I think knowing Antonio as I do,

he can smell a fucking rat. It's true. And if you go in there in costume. Now you're saying we'll do a fugazi. Yeah, I think, I don't wanna be a fugazi. I just think you gotta kinda be a little more, I mean, think of it like you're trying to woo him. But you have to be subtle,

but I think that you do have to let him know, hey, I wanna be your pal. I love this restaurant. You could also just butter him up too. You could also just take one moment to say, you know, I really wanna let you know how much this place means to me and my wife. You know, this is such,

I'm gonna feel like I'm at home with family when I'm here. And he'll be like, oh. You're not my family, look at the way you're dressed. No, no, no. You don't know him like I know him. Yeah. I think we're all coming back to courage stomping. He came to America to get away from the, you know,

the stifling Italian aesthetic. And he went to Quaker Town where it's so much more loose. Yeah. So, Will, here's where we're kind of at. A change your look, which Andy does not like. Andy likes a butter up, be authentic, maybe give a whiskey. Yeah. I like a find something where Antonio's from,

but I'm really into the Donnie Brasco, not even as a bit. Can I add onto that? You might wanna just lay the foundation with a, you could tell Antonio, I just did an ancestry and I'm way more Italian than I thought. That foams the runway for the makeover. Or Will, here's a quick question. Do you either, you or your wife cook or bake? Yeah, we cook.

Something homemade is always appreciated. Canolis. Interesting. You bring him, no, not canolis. Canolis with a nail file in the middle. That's cold stuff. Curbs the Newcastle. No, bring him a cake, bring him some cookies.

A cake that says, hey, we're Italian. Your cannoli are so good, here is our famous banana bread. Or I don't know what the fuck you bake. They still put a nail file in it. I don't live your life. So Will, we've given some solitude. I mean, you're really being aggressive towards Andy, honestly. Will, we've given some options. We I mean, you're really being aggressive towards Andy, honestly.

Will, we've given some options. We've got a slight Donnie Brosco. We've got a butter up. We've got a mention that you did a test and you're more Italian. And a sistery. Bring him some version of a cake. Bring him a bottle of whiskey and say, is there a chance when I'm here, here I could be drinking this and then hopefully you get part of the community and maybe you find out that owner circle I'll bring the whiskey too and say if you want to pass it around to your friends, feel free

Like I love this whiskey. What do you think you're gonna do for real here? No, I think I'm gonna do I'm gonna do a blend of your ideas I do think I could dress the part a little more. I think I could when I go in there. So I am gonna take that advice and I do think I could get like a nice bottle of wine as a gesture and tell him like you were saying, hey, this like Andy, like this place really means a lot to me.

So I think if I do those three steps, I don't wanna push it too far where all of a sudden now I'm getting mixed in with the mob because I don't have time for all that. But I agree. I think if I start light with the dressing and the getting him a nice bottle of wine, I think that could get me in the inner circle. And compliments about the thing. Andy, your thoughts?

Yeah, no, I think there's validity to all of these. And I think that a hybrid approach is good. One thing that did, I forgot to ask, can you enlist this waitress in your, in your campaign? Like, do you feel? Yeah. Yeah. Cause I think, I mean, is she, is she, is she aware of your desire to be his Yeah. Yeah.

Let's have her put a gun in the bathroom. I need to get a better idea. Please wear this. Wear this wire. in the bathroom. I need to get a better idea of what he's like. Yeah. Please wear this. Wear this. I'm going to be on a man outside that says OK, delivery. No, but like, can you tell her like how what what do I got to do to get into the whiskey club? Ha ha ha. No, seriously, what do I got to do?

I took her like 40, 50 percent every time we come. She's smart. We're trying to help her with her bills. If she doesn't know about my desire, but if I go in there and ask her, she could definitely give me some insider details. That's your first step. I think Andy's right. I think Andy's absolutely right.

And I'll add one more thing. The night where you feel like one of these nights, go in a half hour earlier and tell your wife you're gonna have one drink alone at the bar, or you're gonna have a wine at the table alone. You gotta bring, there's no bar. It's dry, it's dry. You can eat calamari at the table.

But you can bring your own booze. Oh yeah, that's right. Yeah, so you're gonna just sit there and be like available. I think Solo's smarter. Yeah, you wheel in a wet bar of your own. Bring a decanter and stand at the window forlorn. Have your pinky ring hit it a couple times. Yeah.

Will, I think we gave great advice. I think Andy hit a home run at the end. Yep. I think the waitress is a big start. And then from there, I think slowly do the other ones. But I think she's, I think she's option one. What do you think? I love it.

Yep. This is perfect. I'm glad I called. This is awesome. Great advice. Keep us posted. Keep it He but we really want to hear what happens on this one. This is important tragedy today Thank you, well Quaker Jones body known for their quaint behavior turned dark today This episode is brought to you by me undies. For most of the year, fancy underwear technology sounds unnecessary.

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at meundies.com slash here to help that's meundies.com slash here to help for 20% off plus free shipping. Me Undies comfort from the outside. This episode of we're here to help is brought to you by Booking.com. Booking. yeah. You know, I'll tell you, Kevin, I'm booking a trip right now to New York with the family. Cool. And just a little six day end of summer kind of thing.

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but you got a nasty smell to you, Kev. What do you do to fix that human problem that we all live with? I'm using Cremos men's body wash, specifically the bourbon vanilla body wash. I'm smelling handsome. I smell handsome. And what is happening to that love at home? Are you coming home and Leah's just ripping? Yeah

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How y'all doing? Well, let's find out where you're from. I'm detecting a southern accent a little bit. What's your name, age, and where are you calling from? I'm Lexi, I'm 33, and I'm from Atlanta. Okay, Atlanta, beautiful. Dirty birds. Now, Lexi, look, you've got Jake, you know and love him.

You've got me, I love you. But you have a home run hitter, we just learned the hard way that our guest, our guest helper knows how to dish out advice. He also gave me the nickname Gardi, which won't stick. But give it up for the great Andy Richter who's gonna help you with your problems today as well, Lexi. Wow, hello, thank you so much for helping me.

Oh, I'm happy to. Well well. I mean you know hold your horses I was just gonna say what happens things get weird. I'll bring you home eventually yeah, all right Lexi tell him to fuck off Yeah, but I bet that'll work things get weird, but we'll bring you home eventually is never what a dad wants to hear All right, well the curfews Ted sir, well, things are gonna get weird, but I will bring her home eventually. Yep, I know, we might take the long way. No, we're not gonna go with Garrett. We'll see some sights.

Gardie's out. You might see a pond with a head in it, but listen, we know the freeway. Lexi, what is the- You'll get her back in some form. Yeah, don't worry. Lexi, what is the issue? The floor is yours.

So the issue is around my girlfriend's mom. So my girlfriend's mom doesn't live in Atlanta. We try to call her a lot, but whenever we call her, she really wants to spend the whole time kind of complaining or gossiping about her work. And she only wants 100% support, no opinions, perspectives, no solutions. Like you just have to 100% support her. Is your girlfriend's mom named Eve Johnson? Okay, keep going. Sorry, mom. That was a joke. I just have to 100% support her. Is your girlfriend's mom named Eve Johnson?

I can't keep going. Sorry, mom. That was a joke. Don't get mad at me. Enough. The problem is I really love it. I absolutely ask her questions. I egg her on.

And my girlfriend hates it. Yeah. I'm familiar with that, where your in-laws don't have the same magical power over you as they do over their actual children, and vice versa. Because I've been married twice now, with both of them, both in-laws, my ex-wife would be like, oh, they tried me. And, and like, with both of them, both in-laws, my ex-wife would be like, oh, they tried me.

And I'm like, it's not so bad. I think they're kind of funny. Fuck you. That's drama. And it's the same thing with like, my siblings and I will be about my, we'll just be like, oh, god damn it. And then there'll be like a spouse there like, what are you, what's wrong with you guys?

She made everybody cake. I know, but she's forcing us to do what she wants. She's muttering you up. Yeah, that's her victim cake. Did you notice the V on it? I will say it's very good. Yeah. And that's very thoughtful.

So Lexi, what's the issue then? The issue is, so when we're on calls with her, I'm asking questions, I'm egging her on, and my girlfriend is like giving me the like, hang up, stop it, and then she ends the call early. Good stuff. And so now I think she's making calls with her mom like when I'm not around, so I won't ask these questions anymore. Well, can you make solo calls to her mom or is that weird? It's weird. I think that would be too weird right now. Okay.

But you can build towards that. I can build towards that, yeah. How long have you guys been together? Three and a half years. Whoa. Oh, yes. Honestly, I think you could take the plunge. I do too.

And I think it's a full on honesty approach of like, honey I know she drives you nuts, but I mean I'm delighted by her. I want her insouciance. Can I just give her, let me talk to her separate. Or when she calls, put me on with her, you go away and you know, whatever, and then come back in 10 minutes. That's what I was gonna pitch maybe. Let's give your girlfriend a name, whether it's real or fake, what should we call it? and you know whatever and then come back in 10 minutes.

That's what I was gonna pitch maybe. Let's give your girlfriend a name whether it's real or fake. What should we call her? Elle. Elle, okay. Like E-L-L-E or the, I just need to know as a picture. Is it just a big L like a Sesame Street character? E-L-L-E.

Okay, all right, great, French, lovely. Nice. Better, obviously. I'm thinking of the magazine. Yeah, because it would be weird. Okay. All right, great. French. Lovely. Nice. I think another magazine. Yeah, because it would be weird if we just pictured a... Anyway. So I think that's kind of right.

If you said to Elle, I like this part of the conversation and it gives your mother a chance to kind of unburden herself of this part that you don't like, do you mind if I kind of take that? Yeah. Have you had a conversation along those lines similar but not quite that I've said like you know you know she just needs someone to talk to I don't mind it and she's been like well I want to talk about other things and you know I want to ask her about family or about her hobbies and I don't want to hear about her coming at work and then I

kind of been like you know what I'll just call her later this week and she'll be like, you're going to call her without me. I can tell it would maybe irritate her, but I haven't pushed further than that. Maybe we kind of hybrid it. Go ahead, Andy. What do you got? I'm just going to say she's going to be irritated one way or the other and you let her pick which way she's irritated.

Or I got a different one, guys. Chill out, Lexi. Stop talking to her mom. She likes it. There is that. We're not, there's like a huge elephant in the room, we're going around it. This is her mom, she's got issues with her mom,

she loves her mom, put out. Go find another 65 year old lady to hang out. Yeah, just ride the bus and let's over here complain. There's plenty of old ladies who want to complain about their days. Does it have to be this old lady? I think you could pitch this to Elle in a way to kind of take the heat off of the thing that she doesn't like. OK, like if she doesn't like this complainy part,

what you could do is you could have a code and you could tell Elle like, all right, look, any time we get in a conversation, you could talk about work, you could do the part you like, and the second that you feel like it's veering into the direction of she won't stop complaining, a part that I'm not going to lie, I kind of do enjoy, why not you just say, oh gosh, sorry, I got to go do this, or oh, I got to go downstairs? Some version of that, and she excuses herself, and you get 10 minutes with her mom where you just let her rip. Like Elle could have a code word like fuck this. Yeah. Yeah. Something subtle that her... Question for you Lexi. What is the, what is the

specific question on this one? The specific question was what should I do? Should I stop gossiping to make my girlfriend happy or do I try to find a way to gossip around her or keep doing it in front of her? Yeah, well, yeah, we've given you some, another option that occurred to me and it's, you know, it's, it's just salesmanship here. Tell Elle, I want to talk to your mom because I want to get to where you are. I want to get so sick of her bitching and complaining that I can't take it anymore. And then we can go back to group calls because you and I'll both avoid that topic because I hate it so much while you're secretly delighted to soak up all of this misery.

But I am. I think that's fun. I am missing something here. Like say, what's so great about her mom? Like you're not saying I'm talking to her mom. She's a fascinating. Yeah, she's just she's just complaining about work I promise you that's 85% of women over here Can we hear a complaint? What would a complaint sound like from the mother just just so we sort of feel what your destination is? Gareth, will you do it first?

You do your guess. All right, okay. And then Lexi, you be Lexi. Okay. And let's see if this is actually kind of accurate. Okay. So Lexi, you're you, Gareth is your mother-in-law, okay? All right, ready?

Okay. Oh God, I'm just so, you know what I am so sick of? I keep putting out all this. It's Atlanta, it's Atlanta. I keep putting out, you know what I'm so sick of? I keep putting out all this. It's Atlanta, it's Atlanta. I keep putting out, you know what I'm just sick to death about? I keep putting out bird seed for the songbirds and these nasty old crows keep coming in

and eating all that songbird food, which is not cheap by the way. Like I bought three bags cause they were on sale for $8 each, but now they're back up to 15 each. And so these nasty ass crows are coming in, they're eating all the songbird food God, just so you work with a bird. Yeah. I'm also curious what Lexi would have to say

Well, I'm just letting her know Jake Jesus Christ, you know Sounds like he is Anyway, Lexi and that just annoying and L. Oh god, just drive me crazy crows are just such Alpha birds and she doesn't complain about birds all right what is she complaining about that's not a bull's eye what the hell Lexi the guys are having fun but you and I are obviously still connected give me it what's a world that she complains about? Like someone in her office left their door open

and is speaking too loudly. Oh, I'll tell you, you know what drove me crazy? Chad this week, he did the same thing where he talks on speaker phone on his phone so you hear both sides of the conversation and he's just shouting and he leaves that door open. So everyone in there knows his gossip. I guess he has a hammer head.

Darlene sits at her desk and she eats praline so loud. She just crunching away smack smack smack all day long I'll say what did you do after that? I was just furious Well, I sat there stewing but I'll you know Chayden and I just keep gossiping to each other about it, but it's just nothing ever gets solved That's everyone keeps eating our lunches. I put it on my share with L list. So Lexi, I got a question for you in hearing typical old lady work gossip. What is it you like about this?

I think one is that usually he's like, she's very fiery. So she'll do something back. So I'm always interested in like, what does she do? Is it funny? She'll be loudly, she'll scream. Yeah, she'll scream outside of their cubicle. Are you egging her on like she's a character? Yeah, do you think she's doing it partially

because of your audience? Like she knows you're into it? Or you're teasing her, and this isn't a mean way. I don't mean this in the mean way, because I also do this. But you just find her as a funny character and it just tickles you how she behaves on planet Earth and so when she has a story you go like oh my god this is the funniest 15 minutes of my day is that part of it I think that is it and your girlfriend feels she knows you're kind of making fun of her mom

Because there's a vibe and we used to do this to my dad a lot my brother and I would egg him on we were Teasing him and when my wife was around yeah She would get really mad at us and we would have to do when she wasn't around because we're like right We are teasing him. It's also so funny though. You're pranking him. You're pranking him. Yeah, yeah. And they don't know you're being pranked. So they'll go like, well, I was really mad.

And you go like, well, what'd you do? Well, I threw the cake at him. And you go like, fair reaction. Yeah, yeah. Totally fair reaction. A 76 year old woman throws a cake and then what happened? She was mad and she should have been. What'd you do?

And your girlfriend might be like, stop. She's eating my mom. Stop whining her up. Yeah, yeah. Is that partly what this is? Yeah, I mean, she hasn't said that, but I'm now realizing her reaction, and I think that's probably right.

Does Elle, do you think Elle understands what you're doing as you being a helpful caretaker and, you know, in a sympathetic ear? Or does she think of you as somebody who's sort of enjoying, you know, viewing her, like you viewing her mother the way Jane Goodall does apes? Another title, you're a title.

Another title. You're a title. Does she not like that you're Janie? I was going to say not the first one, but I definitely don't want to see it. It is the second one. So I've got a question for you because this might help. Cause what Andy was saying before is right. And that is our view of our parents is very different from the other. So I've got a question for you because this might help because what Andy was saying before is right and that is our view of our parents is very different from the other.

What if you explicitly told her the game that you are playing so that it's like take your emotions out of it. You're like, it's just really fun. So maybe your girlfriend could roll her eyes a little bit but at least see the bit as opposed to being like now I'm 15 again My mom's dragging me crazy. She's doing it about my teachers. I hate this bitch. I hate this bitch rather than you're older now You don't live with her. It's really funny and we don't get this forever

And I also think it probably provides her mother with like great outlet I just kind of let it rip. So if you say, look, you're gonna kill two birds with one stone, I enjoy it. She likes it, it makes her feel good. So why don't we just come up like 10 minutes into any conversation, excuse yourself and I'll do it. And how about this? That's asking a lot.

From the girlfriend. Yeah, speaking on Elle's behalf, that's asking a lot. Because if somebody asks that of me with my mother, like it's kind of, like the list of symptoms is kind of funny. I'd be like, no, it's never fucking funny. The list of symptoms, like, is, I just feel like that's the clock running out on my life right now. You're right. While I listen to it.

It's a true point. It's a true point. It's a true point. So Lexi, I don't know, you're in kind of a tricky one. What are you thinking of doing? I do think what will buy me time to maybe build a relationship with her mom is for a little bit, I think I can kind of trick my girlfriend into thinking it's fun.

Yes, okay. The way you just said it, I could be like, oh, it's very funny She's such a character. We're not gonna have her around forever but a little bit on that and Really just try to get her at least to not be annoyed with me and let me talk to her about it and then eventually Can I be able to call her? Can I pitch on that? Yeah, what if your girlfriend gave you a hand signal and that meant it's over? So if you're doing it, you're having fun, and then whatever reason, you tell your girlfriend,

you're the boss of these calls. As soon as we're starting to go in a zone and we're talking about Chad at work and your mom is getting hot and I'm dying and you're not having fun anymore, just give me like a wrap it up finger and then I'm done. Yeah, that's a really good idea. So she's in control of it.

Yeah, cause you do really have to let Elle lead the way. It's her mother and I understand you enjoy this, but is your enjoyment more important than Elle's discomfort? Right, but you're gonna be with Elle for a long time, correct? Yes. Hopefully. So there might be a time that moms

live it in your house later in life. Yeah. So the longer you guys are together, the deeper this bond is, and what you're saying to L is, I have a relationship with your mom apart from you. But at the beginning of it, you can be in control of it, but eventually me and mom are going to just let it rip about the nurse's behavior.

Oh, you're going to need a clubhouse. You got a live-in nurse who's coming around, what do you think of her? And she's going to go, she's terrible with the ice. She makes me drink too much water. She's stealing my mints. And if you can enjoy that ride, that's nice for the two of you. Yeah, that sounds great. I really appreciate it.

I feel really good now. I feel like I have a solution and something to try that will make we have a solution. God damn. We're here to help. We're here to help America's number one podcast. Don't look it up. I'm flying into the weekend.

Sky high. This is high. I'm a goddamn Mother Teresa. We appreciate the weekend. It's sky high. This is high. I'm a goddamn Mother Teresa. We appreciate the call. Please follow up how it goes when you talk to Elle about it. If it goes sideways, it goes well. Where were we at?

Thank you, Lexi. Thanks, Lexi. Thank you. This episode is brought to you by ZockDoc. ZockDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in-network doctors, choose the right one for your needs, and click to instantly book an appointment. We're talking about in-network appointments with more than 100,000 healthcare providers across every specialty from mental health to dental health,

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Hello. Hi, welcome to We're Here to Help America's Number One Podcast. Fix us, get pitches. So can we get your name and can you- Did you fake it on purpose? Can we get your name and can we get an- We got a smart audience, right? Can we get your name?

I'm sorry. Jake is on one today. He's just been, he's been tough to work with three car Just like rock and roll. You don't want to go backstage Can you tell us we're named? All right, three two Can you give us your name and can we get an update on what your situation was and remind us and all that jazz? Yes. Yes. This is Lexi. I called because I like to gossip with my girlfriend's

mom and it was you two and Andy Richter and y'all helped me figure out and a very kind sincere way to kind of come up with this like we're on the same team mentality with my girlfriend, make her feel like you know we're enjoying her mom's character as well as like giving her an out and creating kind of like a word a safe word or like a sign for when she was done with the conference. Great. You basically would engage with your girlfriend's mother. Too much. Too much and your girlfriend became uncomfortable but you did it because you were kind of entertained and her mother would like go on like little tears and stuff like that. Her mother's a little nutty.

Yeah, and you enjoyed it and she did not enjoy that you enjoyed it. And also because the girlfriend was getting triggered by a lot of stuff and so what is happening now, Lexi? Where are we at? Well, after I felt quite motivated and like very like, this is going to work. You guys gave such great advice. Don't love this stuff. So I went. Don't love, don't, do we feel it? Does everyone feel it? No, I was the other way. I felt quite motivated and like very like this is gonna work you guys do such great advice Don't love don't do we feel it. Does everyone feel it? No, I was falling for it. No see, let me tell you

What she's doing right now. She's chumming the waters and we're going. Oh boy. There's a there's some meat up there There's no meat up there. There's meat. No, no, it's not jake. There's a hook. There's that she's about to hook us I'm biting. I'm feeling don't bite you idiot. No, there's a lot of meat. It's just no there is it i'm bite. I'm don't bite you idiot. No Well, she she was I think I really did convince her I you know, I gave her her favorite beer We were talking came up with a sign. He was like, okay, let's do it So the next time we called her mom Was great. We got to gossip for a little bit, but it only lasted about five minutes until my girlfriend did the sign, which is putting her finger across her throat, like, headed out.

Very subtle. Yeah. Subtle sign you came up with. Right in front of mom, I hope. Not like touching the nose or pulling on an earlobe or something. You did the pirate kill you move. Okay. Right. you move. Okay. Right.

So good. Okay. So I was like okay that was great five minutes she's happy I felt like maybe she wouldn't complain then about like a week or two went by we hadn't called her mom and I was like we should call your mom and she's like okay but I don't want you to gossip with her we'll do it next time. I was like okay no problem then a couple weeks went by. So I finally asked her, I said, we haven't talked to your mom in a long time. Can we call her? And she says, I've been calling her without you because I don't like that

you gossip with her. So in the end, it didn't quite work out, but I still got those lovely five minutes. And Jake immediately said, stop doing it, which I think probably would have made my friend more happy. So it didn't work out, but I still appreciate it. And I think it got me five more minutes than I would have gotten. And I will say Gareth was right on this one. I got a hook in my mouth right now. I'm in a boat.

I don't know how I got here. The water was warm. Yeah. I'm looking at it. Someone just lifted me up and took a photo of me yeah I don't get the vibe I can't breathe you're in an igloo cooler you can't go back and forth there's some guy with a stick trying to hit the back of my head and he's saying he's not dying he's not dying and he's doing it wrong it just hurts I hate this Moe finally gets beat. No, Mo gets beat by Pigly all the time, just not on air.

Well, I mean, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we try. No, that's fine. I mean, well, look, I guess what matters is that you and your girlfriend are, you know, being honest with each other. But, but yeah, I don't know. That's a bummer. So what happens happens let's say are you done with mom what goes on now well she's gonna come stay with us in person um

in next month so i you know my girlfriend can't do that fine in front of her so i think i'm just gonna maybe lean into the situation in person a lot and just annoying her and then make it up to her girlfriend afterwards. Why don't we do this also? Maybe when you go into that situation, give the watered down version of it where you get some, but it kind of forces your girlfriend into maybe feeling like you can modulate this a little bit so that going, so that after that you could say, hey, your mom and I had a couple little gossips but we didn't do too much so maybe going forward we could have you know a one or two a month session where I talked to your mother as well or like see break up with a girlfriend I agree

he got to let mom go I think you know sometimes you can't love two women at once oh Boy, I tell his old time. You know look we wish everybody had everything all at once You wish your great girlfriend had a little bit more of her mom's gossip, but she does it Look, I love Gareth and Pam, but I've had to choose Jake you haven't and stop it right away Go ahead stay on stay on track here hurry. I wish Gareth was day on here stay on track. You can focus Jake. You're right. I can't Jake I'm gonna looking up. It's bad news I think you're self-hooking. No, it's Pam's hook. Stop talking about my mother. Okay, I agree Stop saying that cuz that means you don't.

I'm in love with her. Stop. Lexi, she's in love with me. Stop it. You don't have to call me dad. I want you to call me Jake. Lexi, Jake. Lexi, back to you, please.

Good Lord. I'm in love with her. I actually. Jake, it's not back to her. It is back to her. Lexi, you were gonna say something. I think that's important now. I actually think that my

girlfriend would be very happy with both of those suggestions. Selfishly I'm gonna try the watered down one. I think there's an opportunity that if she doesn't feel overwhelmed and if she doesn't feel like maybe like I'm not enjoying it so much. Yeah, don't overly revel in it. Okay, let's do this. Gareth, you're the woman. Thank you. Lexi, you're you. I don't need to hear anymore. And I'm your girlfriend.

And let's see a watered down version. And Lexi, really fast, can you remind Gareth what the mom is like? I got a feeling I know your girlfriend, she's mo' too. My girlfriend's mom is southern. She loves to talk about work gossip. And she loves to talk about how she doesn't listen to anyone in the office and she does whatever she wants.

And I really enjoy that. Okay. All right. Oh gosh, what a long day I had. That flight was so long. I'll tell you what, I came back to like 35 different emails. I was just overwhelmed. By the way, five of them were from Candace. Do you remember I was telling you about her? Do you remember that, Lexi? Yeah. Well, you know, she's the one who has the twin daughters who are at, they're at Penn State. And all

she does is just tell me everything they do at Penn State. And I'm always just like, well, I don't even care. Like, what are you doing? But she just keeps going on and on. So she forwarded me two emails, one from each of them, talking about how they're having some trouble in the dorms. I guess there was a big water leak. And I'm just like, Jesus Christ, I mean, I may as well check the box and throw y'all the spam right now.

I mean, that's just crazy. You know what I'm saying? Like, I just don't understand how many different times I'm gonna have to hear about these daughters. Keep in mind, I have met them. So if I were gonna be invested, I'd daughters. Keep in mind, I have met them. So if I were gonna be invested, I'd be invested now. Guess what, Candy?

I ain't, okay? I could listen to that all day. Yeah, but that's the thing with Candy. Candy will ramble. God, she'll just go on one. She'll just go on one. It's like, it's just like a bag of cocaine did a bunch of cocaine. You know what I'm saying?

I'm just like, good Lord, stop. It's just crazy sometimes. And it's just like a bag of cocaine did a bunch of cocaine. You know what I'm saying? I'm just like good Lord stop It's just crazy sometimes and it's even worse at work because if we sit around during lunch and there's a lull I mean she will tell you of her whole biography with a mouthful of tacos And you're just sitting there going like can I just at least can I enjoy something? I'm trying to have some noodles in company I'm not sitting here. I didn't turn on a Netflix six-parter, you know, just knock it off already. It's just getting ridiculous You know what speaking of noodles? What should we have for dinner tonight? Oh god, I couldn't have noodles I'll tell you a lot of times when I have noodles I get cramps I don't chew them as well as I should you know a lot of in a lot of Asian countries

They'll just slurp them up. They don't even chew them. So I tried doing that for a while It just didn't feel good And then one time I did that with spaghetti when I was at Maggiano's, and everyone looked at me and I said, well, they're doing that in Korea. But everyone looked at me funny, and I tried to bring up a video, but I didn't have Wi-Fi. And then when I asked Maggiano's for the password,

the waiter came over, gave it to me, and it was one of those ones where it wasn't working. I wasn't trying to make the whole dinner about me logging onto Maggiano's Wi-Fi, but you know how those malls are, they'll just have that public Wi-Fi. And you're like, what, Maggiano's can't afford a modem I mean Jesus Christ I could get one from spectrum here

But in two days the speaking of which if you move to a new neighborhood you can only get spectrum I mean, I don't know why remember when you have opportunities I remember when I first moved to Arkansas you could get castle Castle cable was the one and they had Wi-Fi too, but now you have no options and I love how they go Do you want high speed? Oh my god. You No, I want slow speed. Yeah, whatever takes the longest. Why even give that option? I never understand that in the car where you have the max AC button. It's like, yeah, okay, I want all the AC. What do you think I'm turning it on for? I want AC. Give me the AC. Or low power mode on your phone. Yeah, okay, yeah. No, why doesn't the

whole thing just have a low battery mode? That would make way more sense. How about they always put it in low power mode and then I charge it, I get to 80% and it shuts off low power mode and then I'm back to waiting for low power mode and I do that at 79%. It's like, what are you doing?

Just make the whole thing, you know what I mean? It's just crazy. But that's my way of saying, I don't think we should do Panera maybe. I don't know, their commercials always do nice slice of life representations of big family moments. Could be for us. Mm-mm.

What do you girls think? That sounds great to me. Elle? Awesome. You think he helped her, Gareth? Yeah, I mean, it didn't hurt her. Do you think that was the premise of our show? I mean, I don't know.

I think we all got a little lost in that one. I don't know. We were all going. I mean, I don't know. There's a lot of talking over each other. It was pretty spot on though for for what happened. And he's a talker. He is. She's a talker. Imagine someone like that.

And I think I love to listen and engage and ask questions and Elle's like, what are we having for dinner? How do we move on? You didn't do anything wrong Lexi. That was a perfect, you didn't egg her out. If she's mad at you about that, then she's mad at her mom. That's all you do? Well, I might have asked questions, but I didn't this time because we were practicing

me not doing that. Yep, see that's what we were going for. Well, pitches get fixes. Well, keep us posted Lexi. After that time when she comes, will you let us know how that goes? And if you're able to contain yourself? Yes, I absolutely will.

I really appreciate y'all. We appreciate the call, we're sorry it's not going smoother, but I don't think you're doing a thing wrong. Nothing wrong. Oh wow, thanks. You're just killing it, you like her, I think her mom's getting a lot of fun out of it, it's a sweet thing.

Yeah. Maybe we should actually do, let's bring your girlfriend on the call. I love it lot of fun out of it. It's a sweet thing. Yeah, maybe we should actually do Let's bring your girlfriend on the call. I love it I don't let's do a follow-up with the girlfriend and go what a problem with engaging mom. What do you think about Lexi? Okay. Yes, I think I think I could do that. I do think Cuz then we could do a practice with Gareth where he'll talk for five minutes as her. You're bringing me back? We'll bring you back and then you and your girlfriend will, she'll see, maybe we'll role play where she's you and you're her and she'll see that like it's a tough spot.

I like that. Okay. Yeah. What do you think? I like that. I think that's a great idea. I think she'll hopefully see that I'm trying to and And maybe just give me a little bit more room to to got it

Which is really what I'm by the way at the core of it You're being nice to her mom and just like that. They threw us back in the water We're out of the boat and we're back alive with the chum and we're eating on our way down. Let's not eat the chum right away again, but yes, exactly. There's food right here. I'm eating it. Again, you got hooked last time. I'm eating it. Well, let's get back to the call. We look forward to the next one. Okay. Thanks, y'all. Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. This next segment is an edited chat with our guest after the calls.

To hear the full extended conversation as well as early access to episodes, you can go to Patreon.com slash here to help pod. Enjoy. Before we go, Andy, we're done with the calls. But you mind if we ask you a couple of questions before we get rid of you? So I told you on yours, but I'm a big fan, and I was a huge fan of everything you were doing.

Thank you. Huge. Everything? Everything. There's a lot of offscreen stuff. You probably wouldn't be a fan. Tell us, tell us, tell us. But I was reading about, because I'm a guy

who can read the internet a little bit I would just learn to read I'm realizing there's a lot of information Before I thought not worth no what I get it no Yeah, I'm 45 and guess what reading is cool. I'm looking back audio books Yeah, everybody reads his way Then you fucking Shakespeare, yeah, just watch TV, right? But what I didn't realize is you got the Conan thing kind of by accident Is that correct where I'd read that you met Smile, you did the Brady show.

Yeah, yeah. Which brought you out to New York, you then met the kind of like world of the SNL writers and artists. Yeah, because a couple of women from Chicago got hired on SNL. Like at that same time, with us like 91-ish, something like that

Melanie Hutzel and Beth Betty Cahill both got we're on SNL and and so I you know, I'd hang out with Beth and and Met smigel and we just kind of hit it off and then The Brady show came to LA. He came out here for the summer to work on the ill-fated Hans and Franz movie. Oh my Lord. That Schwarzenegger put the kibosh on.

Wow. Because Last Action Hero was a bomb and he like. He compared those two. Well no, no it was just because he was gonna be, he was like gonna be Hans and Franz's, like Odin or something, I think. Like he had a bit, the whole movie centered around him. The whole character was based around him.

But it was like, but yeah, like he was gonna be a central feature, like a supernatural character in the movie. And he said, I can't make fun of myself anymore. So it's a last action hero. Yeah, because last action hero didn't work. And what's hard for him. And it's just like, no, I don't think that.

I don't think that's some total of it. What's hard about those characters is there's nobody who, like mostly in this business, you ever thought like, everybody's replaceable? Yeah. Not him in that one. No, no, no. You can't go, I'm on them,'s replaceable? Yeah. Not him in that one. No, no, no. You can't go, I'm on them,

I'm throwing them into my muscles. Well, if you can't get Arto. Right, right, right. The oopharygno will work. Well, then it seems like they're making fun of the disabled with the accent, you know. But yeah, no, so he was here doing that and we just hung out, like, you know,

cause we had hit it off and went Conan got the job. Uh, he, Robert being a head writer was one of his conditions to do the job. And, um, and then Robert just reached out to me and I was out here. I was doing the movie or maybe I'd even finished the movie cabin boy. Yeah. Yeah. I had come, I had, Brady Bunch ended in LA, kind of Christmas time-ish, and then I was back, like,

literally sleeping on my mother's couch. Yeah, sure. Well, just like, oh boy, I wanna tell ya. Like a real high point in my life, and- Driving home drunk. Yeah. And then I got, and then I, I actually flew back out, I had already read for cabin boy, but then they had me come back and I read, you know, another like three or four times, um,

got the job, went back to Chicago, drove my Toyota pickup truck out here and was like, all right, here I am. I'm an LA actor now, you know. In a movie. In a movie, I did a movie. It's like, this is my nest egg, which turned out to be a hummingbird egg. And when Robert called me, actually the day that he called me to tell me that I got the job, I was supposed to go have like a,

you know, second interview to be the assistant manager of a movie theater in Westwood. Wow. No way. Yeah, so I was able to call him. Oh, so it was drier than you thought. Yeah, yeah, I was able to call him and say, I'm sorry. So then you could go have

that movie theater meeting with a little bit more confidence. Mistakes weren't as high. Listen, all I'm saying is I have options. So what do you got for me? So the free popcorn, what do you get in? Okay. And I put my face in the popcorn. Bottom line Andy, do you want the job or not? Sounds really cool about your talk show career.

Well, going in, like working at the movie, like I would have, it would have been, like I was like, okay, that's an okay job. Except for the fact that I was really worried that like Cabin Boy would play there. Oh man. And then I'd be like, selling fucking milk duds. You look familiar., I don't

And so then smiegel calls and then you got hired as a writer. Yeah. Yeah, he first I met Conan He said you should go meet him and and cuz Conan was out here. He is a Simpson writer, you know and He had he had done like the that he did like a little test thing that there were clips of on the internet. And he did, like they just kind of threw him in after Leno and had him interview Jason Alexander and Mimi Rogers. Interesting.

Yeah, which I think that they were just like, find us some celebrities, you know? And so he like literally had a sport coat in his trunk, threw it on, drove to Burbank. After taping of the Tonight Show, they told people, stick around, we're trying out enough. Same set. Yeah.

No way. No, just really, seriously, Leno just sat in his seat. He just came in and sat down and did his thing. To see how he would be. Yeah, yeah. And, and he just... And they put that on NBC. They released clips of it.

They released clips of it when they, when they announced like Conan is the guy. Oh, fun. And, um, and, uh, so he got the job and I had seen that and I actually sat, I, I went with, uh, Kate Flannery, who's an old friend of mine. Kate Flannery from the office and I were in our first improv classes together. And she was here and I just came back and there weren't many people around that I knew

because everybody had sort of split and there was still mostly Chicago and somewhere in New York. And so we went to a taping of a Jeff Garland pilot in which he played a cop. Like it was like his family life. And like Jeff Garland as a cop, which is just like, could you imagine Jeff Garland as a cop?

Like just be- Just give me the ticket already. Yeah, yeah, all right, all right. But it was pretty fun. But we went to the pilot taping event and I sat in front of Bob Odenkirk and Carol Leifers sat behind me and I eavesdropped on them talking about this guy Conan that got the job.

And you knew Bob from Chicago. I knew Bob from Chicago, but mainly because his then fiance was on an improv team with me. Interesting. So she was Claire's boyfriend, Claire's, you know, fiance and stuff. So I just, I knew him casually enough to go like, oh, hey Bob, oh, hi Andy. And then I just eavesdropped as they talked about

Conan getting the job and Bob talking about, and at the time Bob was like, yeah I'm gonna help him out. And Bob did, Bob and his brother came out and worked on the first three months of the show. Like just kind of. Help Billy build it. Yeah, just kind of be there to pitch the ideas and stuff. And Bill, I think Bill dropped out of MIT or something.

Bill Odenkirk to come do this, And Bill, I think Bill like dropped out of like MIT or something. Bill Odenkirk to come do this. And then, and he's been a Simpsons writer ever since. I think so. So yeah. So I, I, I had all this backstory about Conan and then Robert said, would you meet him? And we met at junior's deli. Um, and you know, like I was, and I, for me,

it's especially, I mean, I, you know, it's like, oh, fucking free lunch. Yeah. You know? Like, all right, fuck yeah, I'll meet with him. And, um. And can I get another potato salad in the jar to go? Just one pound to go.

Yeah, but, so we just hit, you know, we just hit it off. You guys have a great thing. Just stupid immediately. Like I just, like I knew, I just hit it off. You guys have a great thing. We're just stupid immediately. Like I just, like I knew, I just had a hunch. And I mean, and sometimes, I mean, I don't know how you guys are, but like you sense like a kinship. You sense like, okay, this guy is an idiot.

You know, like he's an idiot the way I'm an idiot. And there's no point in like finding out, like here we go, you know, it's like. But this is a thing. Yeah, like I hear I'm gonna say something really stupid and you're gonna go like, oh hooray, we are both idiots. So I mean, I kind of went in there and I just kind of had this feeling of like,

because I knew from knowing Robert, it was just like a really safe bet that I could be my total self. And he delighted in it and we, you know, and apparently, and Robert told me, I don't know, he didn't tell me right away, but he told me that like right afterwards, Conan got on the phone and was like, hire him,

hire him, just hire him. And Robert was kind of like, well, let him write a packet first. You know, which I did. I wrote a packet, which I didn't, you know, like they don't teach you that at Columbia College Film School. Like in case you're gonna be on David Letterman's

replacement late night show, here's how you're, and I just was like, well, I don't know, you know. And I don't, I'm gonna say, I'm not even sure I still have it anywhere, that packet. I should, of course, save it, but I didn't. Well, you didn't know. I mean, you didn't have the time, you were like, yeah, whatever.

Yeah, yeah. Well, it was amazing, and it was amazing to have you on the show. Yeah, truly. Thank you. Really, thank you. Yeah, it was fun. It was a fun show. And this is really, like, the advice that we gave today,

I feel like it was all, like... We get there. We get there. We get there. Yeah, Gareth isn't lying when he said, it's gonna be weird, but we're gonna bring you home. No, you sometimes are on a really weird journey. But you know, I mean, that's why it's low stakes. But we do, it always kinda ends,

and then with the follow-ups, people actually do it. Oh yeah. And you see like, it's working. Wow. Sometimes it doesn't. For the most part. Sometimes they'll call and they'll go like, I did the advice, it went sideways, and we're like, well, there it is. And that's when. Wow, sometimes it does this part Sometimes they'll call no go like I did the advice that went sideways. Yeah Have you guys created a monster where you both think that like you can basic, you know

Yeah, well, you're up both dr. Phil Well to be fair, we're as much of a doctor as dr. I Think the saving grace was honestly when we started this one We didn't quite know so we were taking all sorts of calls and Calls were real and so people would have issues like about depression I'd like and we were doing bits on it and early on we felt like this isn't that's not the show That's not what we want to do our advice has to be about I truly think you should dress like an Italian

Yeah, Gareth is doing a bit about curb stomping, but then like, but bring something. Not a bit. Not a bit. But then it becomes a thing. Those problems were interesting enough, relatable enough. And it's important to them. Yeah, important to them. But also like, it's like,

you know, if the guy doesn't give you whiskey. Where's KC drinks at home? Who fucking who? The pitch of this that Gareth kind of pitched me on, it took me a while to say kinda yes before I was like finally getting what he was saying, but it's we're in a bar and our friend comes and goes, I wanna fucking be at that table,

and we are just drinking, so rather than go like fuck off, we go, let's figure this one out. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, oh, when you said that, it gets like, oh, that's a lot of fun. Yeah. But Andy, we're both really big fans.

It's an honor you came on with us, man. Thank you so much, appreciate it. And we'll plug all the podcasts you're doing in our intro and all that good stuff. Yep, good, good, good. Yep, especially that food one you're hosting. Mr. Culver City! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds.

The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKee. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakiyo and our video editor is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at oliverraleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com. The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds dot com.

Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash your to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.