We're Here to Help - CAT AND RAT: Charcuterie, No Fish & Hortense Weaseldorf

Episode Date: September 11, 2026

Cat and Rat are Back! Cat Reitman and Gareth help plan a fish funeral. Then, they get all hot and bothered while doing community theatre.Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. And we are back on a Friday. Happy Friday, gear. It's a cat and gear episode, but we're doing a Stevie boy intro. just told me, what did you just say? I can't tell. I'm not at liberty to discuss it right now. You said you're investigating.

I'm investigating a cult in the state of Nebraska. This is, okay, so you have a podcast. You're on, weird here to help is on the, we're here to help Patreon. And you have your own podcast, high strangeness, but you're, you say you investigate. Oh, yeah, D. But you're just like a guy. Well, no, I'm more than the guy. So, Garrett.

Are you? Well, in life care... Is this credential in any way? I don't need credentials, brothers. I'm going to explain how I see the world. I just want an answer. We have me, Steve Berg, a phenomenal, classically trained actor, working. That last part was a shot.

Cheers. No, let's just be honest. It's just facts or facts today. But then there's also Steve Berg, the kind of person you would imagine to be. It's like, you know, like, if you imagine yourself to be a James Bond, there's no, I'm a big believer in real-life larping, Gareth. And in my life, I'm an occult detective, my lurping. Real-life larping is fully oxymoronic.

Yeah, I'll give you that. The last two letters of LARP are role-play. Sure. Oh, my God, I can't believe this. And I'm role-playing, but you know what? When I'm role-playing, baby, I'm... I'm getting things done. As Gareth leaves the frame, completely professional.

Would you have to go get a snack? Oh, my fire Cheetos throw. over there. I better go get him. I can't wait two minutes until the intro's done. Anyways, folks, I'm speaking directly to you. In life, we can't always be what we want to be. Sometimes those things don't make money. And it's just not possible to be. But I take it upon myself to look into the weird, the things that people don't want to look into. And I have recently discovered a cult that I'm not going to mention some, like I said, I'm in an investigation. but I'm hot on the trail.

I'm hot on the trail. What do you mean investigating? You're reading? I'm going to, I'm reading, doing research. I'm in the research phase. You're just studying. I'm going to do a drive-by this weekend.

Shooting? No, the compound. You don't understand anything about being a cold detective. First off, it's showing. Okay. Whatever. How are you? How are you?

I'm genuinely, I think I'm in a much more normal place based on this conversation. It sucks to be you. Yeah. No, I'm just doing, I'm doing it a lot. You're fucking Joey Milk toast over here. I'm just doing live action. I'm getting a head start of my taxes and, you know,

I'm about to go on, I'm about. I'm about to go on the road for my stand-up. So if people want that, they can go to Gerith Reynolds.com. I'm going to be on the East Coast. Our stand-up. Syracuse, Albany, Vermont, all over. Ooh, point. Ooh, Vermont.

Maybe a little cottage and a hot cup of tea. Well, I'm actually there. I'm investigating a case. Oh, you got a case. Yeah, I'm on the hot trail. Well, while you're there in Vermont... There's been a moida. Well, look, there's also a MIB,

famous MIB setting that's Men and Black. That occurred in 1967 in Vermont. We're going to look into that for me. We're going to end this in a second. Actually, I have a couple of assignments for you to... Stop talking. Stephen. You can have boots on the ground.

Stephen, men in black. is just a movie. No, the movie comes from a real-life phenomenon that mostly happened in the 60s and a little bit of 70s. Is that right? Are you an idiot? Do you know nothing about like Gareth, we have a lot to talk about off-air.

I need to educate you, my friend. I will, once this Zoom is done recording, I will be leaving it. I will send you a link to a new, brand-new discussion, which it'll be about educating my friend, Gareth, on the hidden things in reality.

Okay. All right. Well. What are you having dinner tonight? Have you thought about that? Nope. We're not going to do food stuff. We took the moratorium off your food stuff, but you really, the questions like, that's not

regular small talk. Well, I got to get, I have a bunch of zucchini from my garden that need to be getting rid of, so I'm going to make a nice stir fry tonight. Well, speaking, getting rid of, let's end the intro. Steve, do you have anything to promote? Are you just investigating and stuff like that? I can't promote my, promote, provost. Interesting.

That's a cool combination of words. Please. I can't promote my, obviously, my investigation right now because it's pending. So I will be doing a large expose, probably in the current affair or instead edition, hopefully in the spring about this. Well, let's promote Kat. Kat is on Instagram. She's got a lot of great stuff going on.

You can find her at Wright, R-E-I-T, Kat, C-A-T, and then O-U. And this is an episode with us. We're solving a couple big problems here. Who are investigating? Nope, we're not doing that. Yes, you are. No, we're not. That's called a bookend.

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Initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabyte may slow when network is busy includes up to 20 gigabyte hotspot, capable device required, availability speed, and coverage varies cementmobile.com. Caller are you there? Hi, I'm here. What's your name, please? My name is Lily. Lily. And Lily, where are you calling from today?

I am calling from New York. New York. The city? Yes, I am in the city. Where in the city are we talking about? I'm in Manhattan. Manhattan. You're on with Catherine Reitman and myself. Kat, you've spent time in New York. I have. I'm the fan of that city. Manhattan.

Manhattan, you uptown, downtown? Everybody's getting down. Where are you living? I am about as far uptown as you can get. I'm in Inwood, which is like the northern most part. Nice. What are we talking about? She's got some cheddar cat. What are we thinking?

I'm not sure. I don't know this in one. Is this just like the new, you know, these burrows that pop up, pop up? I don't know. Is it a new burrow? You had a new burrow? No, it's not. You guys making a burrow?

What's up? You guys got a burrow there? All right, listen, we, uh, Lily, we're going to ask you a question. We've been talking about how maybe we'll do some get-to-know-you questions. I'm going to let you choose. here, Lily. Do you want to tell us what your last meal would be or the title of your biography? Oh, I'll do my last meal, but it's really embarrassing.

Let's hear it. Awesome. That's good for ratings. Remember, there's no downside. It was about 10 minutes before this call. I just ate a bunch of salami and cheddar cheese. Okay. Lily. Hold on. Hold on.

Great. No, cat. Not great. What's wrong with that? This is the last meal. She's not going to shit again anyway. By the way, that's what I was thinking when we were saying that. I want mine to be delicious but have like e-coli so that when I'm gone, you know, I'm leaving something.

But hold on. Garrett's also a vegetarian. He doesn't understand the pleasure. I've incorporated. No, I've had to incorporate a little chicken here and there. Oh, yeah. Have you gnached on salam? Have you taken a drive down a salami drive?

I'm easy. Now we're talking about last meals here, Parve. You ever gear up to... You ever rid of that? You ever slid down salami drive? But this is her last meal. Lily, you could ramp it up with like a charcutory. It could be a bunch of things.

You just want some craft and salami? I mean, yeah, I probably do need to go grocery shop. I mean, this isn't like my death row meal. This is just the last meal. I'm talking death row meal. That's what we want. Your death row. Sorry, you thought I was, what did you last eat?

I mean, you're on. You thought we were just being like, hey, what would you snack on in like an hour? What do you have nearby? No, like death row last meal. That's what, that's what I'm sorry, I didn't ask that properly. No, you didn't. Lausania. What kind?

Like a, you know, like a classical, just all the meat, maybe from salami on the side. Oh, man, you're a mess. Really? You're a mess. Lily, by the way, I don't know what you did in this last meal scenario, but I think you did it. You added salami to your lasagna. And the side of salami. Her problem is that like she can't find the right kind of salami.

What's your issue? Okay. I bring up salami too much. I can't stop talking about salami. Yeah. Uh-huh. So about a bit over a week ago, My nephew, who's eight years old, his fist jumped out of the tank and died.

How? Obviously. Your eight-year-old nephew, is he like a nightmare? Is the fish like, I can't do this anymore? No. So they were on vacation. Oh, okay. Yeah.

So they were gone. And we found out that he jumped to his desk. and pretty much just dried out alone. Brutal. Yeah. So we've got a young boy's first experience with death. My sister was only, he's very sensitive. My sister was only able to kind of calm him down by promising a, like a lovely fish memorial service for him.

Cute. A fissural. Yes. So I, I do not have kids. I have disposable income and I want to go crazy with those. She's uptown.

She's in a borough we haven't heard of yet. That's crazy that you're like in maybe the fanciest part of New York and you're like, I'd like to eat salami. And cheddar. Cheddar and salami. So we're looking for a fish memorial, the likes of which New York has never seen. Sorry, a funeral.

Exactly. Well, look, you can memorialize it. I think you probably should. And we're location-wise. Have you considered that yet? Is this something you're hosting in the child's bedroom? Is it too traumatic? What do we, what are you thinking so far?

Yeah. So I only have a couple of ideas. I think, let's hear it. My sister is not, my sister doesn't live in New York. I think we would love to invite friends and family. So it'll probably, I mean, maybe be outside. I don't know. It's nice out. The only thing I can think of so far is, no.

It'll be closed casket. Sure. Of course. Yeah. Very dry. Flaky. What were you going to say, Lily? Oh, I was just going to say, so the only idea that I have that I'm like,

let's do this is bagpipes. Love it. Love it. Great. But, you know, I don't know how realistic that is. But they're everywhere. Oh, you can find them. Oh, you can find them.

Sorry, you're not suggesting like bagpipe music on your iPhone. You're talking about an actual bagpipe player. I mean, maybe. Well, you can't just go buy them and learn to play them. Yeah, they're not. No, Lily's not doing it. She's hiring a Scott and a Scott. You have, what do you do for work, Lily?

Sounds like you've got real disposable income. I work in tech. Yes. Yeah, yeah. There it is. Okay, now hold on. So if we're getting bagpipes, are we going to, like, lean into this theme? Like, how are we going with a full-on, like, everyone's in kiltz and we're serving smoked fish?

Or, no, too close. Jesus Christ. No, we're serving salami, first of all. We know that. We know that. There will be a lot of salami, yeah. I am. You know, I haven't thought of theme.

I have not thought of theme. I don't want to, like, impose a dress code. I think people to be. People to be respectful. It's a funeral. It is. Well, it's more of like, is this, are we mourning and grieving everyone in black? Or is this a celebration of the fish's life or the brightest colors that you have?

Oh, that's a really good question. I think to your question, let's go full. I mean, let's make it. This is, what we should do is we should think of this as a hang for a bunch of people to get together and have a little party. But we're going to frame it with the beginning of the first. fish funeral and take it very seriously, I would go as far as to say we should do a very tiny funeral, not with people who are attending, but everything should be miniature. A tiny wreath. I love miniature. A tiny little box for the fish, potentially a tiny book for someone to read from.

A little cross if you're religious. Yeah. And I think we should do all of these things. And I honestly think we should take the box to the water for the fish's final resting flow. Light it on fire, send it out vacuum style. Yeah, shoot a baby arrow into it. Question. This is for, the purpose of this, Lily, is to comfort an eight-year-old boy. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Okay. So I also want us to think about, I do think the bright colors, although this is also an introduction of death, which is a really interesting time at an eight-year-old's life to be like, okay, this is now death. This is the cycle of life. and this is what we do as humans to commemorate that moment. So I think colorful and making it fun and outdoors with friends there, maybe the little boy has his first chance to make a speech and say something.

And so long as far as the eyes can see. Yeah, no, we're all holding a big log of Lami. Obviously, we're not idiots. But I like that. This is what I would, okay, I'm suggesting afterwards a party with all the chakouterie, no fish. and that's where we're headed. But why don't we start with we get a few people,

we get a tiny wreath, we get a little box that we put the fish in, we stand by the Hudson or wherever you're close to, and we basically eulogize the fish, not in a dark way, but it's a celebration of the fish's life. And the little boy speaks. The little boy can say his favorite memory of his fish.

Yes. You know, and all that. And maybe, maybe, when we get back to the house where we're having the party, we've got a new fish, bagpipes and a new fish. Oh, fun. We've got a new one. A little quick. Maybe quick.

Maybe we're moving on quick. I personally, I like to fill the void. But why don't we say the next time you want a fish, we're ready to get it, whatever kind you want. But I think making it from a little bit of a sadder event where we have a tiny, We have a tiny coffin. We all get to share a memory of the fish or a memory of our own fish. And then someone... Something else you could do is you could have your nephew make the coffin.

I like that. Like, you know, he can color on it and put the name. He could put some of the fish's favorite things in there. Maybe some of the little rocks from the tank. Great. Maybe a little bit of his food. Lay that all in there. Then he doesn't need to be around for putting the fish in the box.

But if he wants to, he can. so we can, but that's what we're taking to the final resting float. And we can do that with five or six people. And then when we get back, we have an enjoyable event so that we're kind of showing him that like, hey, after this, we sort of wash the taste out and we're moving on and we have our memories. And as an alt, if you don't want to do bagpipes or if it's like hard to find someone in New York City to do that, you just get yourself a playlist and it's top to tail under the sea music. You know what I mean? You just make the music real fun and really sea based. Yes, sea-based, sea-based, yeah, I mean, I don't think we're saying shanties, but maybe a shanty.

And I'll also say, let's frame a little picture of the fish. Cute. So that he has that to put in his room so he always remembers the fish. I think this is a perfect help. Tell me you love this, Lily, because I love it. I do, yeah, and I think, I do think he's still a little raw. I definitely think he's not ready for a new fish, but I think, maybe I can get him like a tank with a lid.

Yeah, what the fuck? They were rolling with a bowl before? Little guy maybe. Yeah, let's... It's Manhattan. My dad told him they'd never jump out. Oh, God. Who told him that?

They do. Grandpa did. Well, I think at... Yeah, grandpa did. I think maybe at the funeral, you're right. I think we should maybe say, you know, turns out they sometimes can jump out. And that's why we've got you this new tank with a top.

And the next time you want to fill it, you know, we're all ready to be there for it. And don't listen to Grandpa anymore because obviously he's got problems. He's not familiar with the capabilities of a fish. But I think a tank better for the fish's life, too. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. A nice big one.

I'll, there are no expense. Obviously, Lily, enough. I feel like every turn. We get it, Lily. We get it. We get it. trying to show off that you can throw cash down. You know, maybe I'll buy a separate house that's just a tank for the fish.

Just for the fish. Yeah. We'll throw a little salami in there, see what happens. Okay, well, good for you, Lily. Not everybody can. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, some of us can afford and that sort of stuff, but whatever.

I don't know if you see the box that Gareth is working in. Come on now. He would give. It looks great, babe. It looks great. By the way, all to wall decorated. If we're incorporating babes into this relationship, Catherine, I'm not going to stop it. Now, Lily, what do you think of that?

What do you think of a fish funeral, a little wreath, a little coffin that your nephew gets to put some of the fish's favorite things in there? We get people together. We treat it like a serious event. We meet near a body of water. We, at the very end of saying some nice words about the fish, we put the fish in there. And then all back to Aunt Lily's place for pounds and pounds of deli meats. Yeah. I love it.

think I really like the idea of like tiny everything. I think that's really cute. Just like a, just a big party, but scaled down. Yeah. Caled down for the fish. My only amendment is my sister told me before I called in actually that he ordered a headstone. That's how big. So we will be, I think it's quite small.

Okay, great. Perfect. Okay. Perfect. We will be great, Matthew. So we'll dig a tiny little hole. And we'll put a little, the headstone is phenomenal. You know, so yeah, that's great.

I think that's great. Now, is it engraved? Yep, I think so. Okay. What was the fish's name? His name was Matthew Chucky Pichiklis. Sorry, one more time. Matthew, Chuck, Matthew, what?

Matthew Chucky Pichiklitz. Okay, great. It's like a hockey thing. Okay, sure. Okay. Yeah, I guess that's not leading us anywhere. But so we'll do a tiny little burial, little box, little wreath. I'm trying to think if there's any other tiny things that go along with it.

You know what else I would do? Teeny flowers. Teeny flowers is great. A little Stephanotus or something. Yep, that is great. And why don't we also get a little program printed up that sort of talks about the fish a little bit? A small little take-home program. What if you got some post-its?

Yes. Fold it in half. I'm just thinking quick and dirty here. She's got disposable income. Okay, okay. You know, she doesn't want to do that. She's like, you know. Okay, Warbucks.

Do you do what you do? Yeah, she post it. She doesn't use Post-it. She has someone standing behind her with a notebook. She calls her Post-it, okay? But something like that, a little, a little bill. I mean, I think we're thinking, and then what I would do is also just get a little picture-framed of the fish that the kid can keep in the room as a memory.

And like you said, at the end of all of it, there's a tank that's attached to whenever you want it. We're going to fill it and we're going to bring a new fish into your world. Lily, how's this all settling with you? This feels good. The tiny addition is perfect. I think it's very camp. And I think that he'll really like it. And then he can kind of hold on to the steps as long as he wants to.

And then a little party after where we are a celebration of life where you can, can really just salami out and just do what you do. Are we eating salami every day, Lily, just before we let you go? I just want to get a cholesterol check here for you real quick. No, no. It's only for a special occasion. Special occasions. Every week we're buying, exactly, every week we're, are you saying what foul play?

I hear you. Now, are we getting salami from the deli and we're doing it once a week? Yeah, we are. And what are we doing? And we're doing a pound, maybe two? No, a half a pound. Half a pound. Let me ask you this.

The butcher know your name? No. Okay, great. All right. Just checking in, just making sure you're doing okay yet. Not yet. No, there's always a way. Okay, great.

So we're real happy you're going to do a tiny funeral. You only eat about a half a pound of salami a week. You're not on a first name basis with the butcher, and that's good because that's going to be a red flag. You're going to one person for the salami, correct? Oh, yeah. Maybe she's mixing it out. Yeah, I'm a little worried that you're bouncing around, so there's no, like, connection.

She's littering it about. Yeah. Yeah, no, I'm, I'm bouncing around. It's like if I'm out and I see it, I get it. Okay. And the cheese you're doing, what are we doing? We're not doing craft slices, right? You've got a slicer and some cheese.

We're doing a point. Yeah, I don't own a deli slicer. Right. Your mouse is a deli slicer. Oh, boy. Okay. You get yourself a brick. She's getting a brick.

She's getting a brick and she's chewing it. And who cares? Look, we've all woken up on the couch and the TV's asking if we're watching the show that we're not watching, and we got a couple huge hunky bites taken out of a block of cheese. Lily, God bless. We're excited for the funeral as much as we can be. We want pictures.

Yes. And you know what I mean? The fish is in a better place because it was in a tiny little bowl. May he rest in peace. May he rest in peace. Or she? Or she. Thank you.

May they rest in peace. Or yes, maybe they're non-binary. We don't know. Right. Who knows? We don't know. We don't know how it goes. I don't even know where a fish penis is.

All right, Lily, thanks a bunch. Thanks, girl. Bye, Lil. Bye. And we are brought to you by Squarespace. You know what? I don't even need ad copy when it comes to Squarespace

because let me tell you, first of all, they're hanging in there with the promo code. They're still doing the Gill sent me and we love them for it. But Squarespace is a place where you can go and design

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You're just going to be like, well, I actually have one of those. websites. So if you're in the game, you have a small business, you're trying to promote yourself, or let's say you want to do a like a wigs and swords party or something like that, like we did on the show, and you want to make it look real, use Squarespace. So go to Squarespace.com slash Gill sent me for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's it. Get involved. Hello, caller. Are you there? Hi, what's your name? My name is, we'll go with Danny.

Hi, Danny, and where are you from? Rural Midwest. Okay, we've got a good one. When is this vague? We've got Danny from the rural Midwest. And Danny, you, of course, have got Gareth Reynolds. And I, and you're very lucky co-pilot today, Katwrightman, here to give you nothing but good advice. All right.

So, Danny, what can we help you with? All right, Danny. Okay, so I got to give some background first. Go ahead. When I was like 12, 13, me and my best friend used to write a lot of fan fiction. Cool. Great start. Yeah.

So I kind of fell off writing, and she kept going, and she actually ended up publishing some books later on in life. and I was always so jealous because she kept writing and, you know, she's getting these books published. And I'm like, man, I wish I'd continued to write. Of course. So, but I couldn't ever figure out what to write about. I think that was like my problem. I didn't know if I had anything interesting to write about, basically. Okay.

So that's the background. So now it's like 20, 25 years later. And I'm going through like, I guess my midlife crisis, probably you would, could say. And so I decided to start acting again, which was another thing that I did when I was a kid. Okay. So I went out for community theater for the first time in like a couple decades. and got a part and a pretty big part, and I was really proud of myself. And as part of it, there was a, you know, a romantic storyline in the play that I was cast in, that I was half of.

Here we go. Now go slow. Take your time. So, so the other. half of this romantic coupling is a younger guy so he's like

I don't know 12 or 13 years younger than me I went through the exact same thing so he's 12 so he's 12 not even touched puberty not touched him which I like but it's just really strange okay 12 or 13 years younger yes

so he's like in his 20s. Yeah. So a full-on adult, but, you know, still a little bit of a distance. Sure. And so we go through this play, and it's great. I make a lot of friends. We have a really great time.

And as it's coming to a close, I'm like, well, this kind of sounds like a good start of a story. You know, like a married housewife tries out for theater. She meets this younger guy. She has like all this chemistry with him and da-da-da-da-da. So I was like, this sounds like the beginning of this novel, which is what my friend writes. I should have added that. And so, yeah, so I was like, okay, now I have something to write about.

So I start writing. And at the beginning, there's some details that kind of mirror what actually happened, like how I tried out. but now I got a cast and how there's a younger guy and whatnot. But after that, it totally went off the rails. Like, I mean, it's a smart novel. So what happens? You know, we like hook up a bunch.

You know, there's some shenanigans and... Sexy shenanigans, obviously? Sexy shenanigans. Thank you. Thank you. I keep saying we... I don't hear a problem yet, Danny. Yeah, me either.

I'm hearing a problem with Gareth not being able to finish this call if you catch my drift. Come on. Come on. They'll be finishing. Oh, I can. Cod back.

Thank you. All right. Go ahead. So my problem is that the novel is now with an editor. It's like in the final stages I'm kind of shopping out, but I probably will self-publish. So probably no one will ever see it.

But my concern is what if they do? And what do I do if somebody in this new group of friends connects the dots and is like, this place sounds an awful lot like what happened with Danny? or what if I want to talk to some of my friends about being an author and stuff? So I guess my question is, how do I approach my friends who are involved, especially this guy and also my husband?

Yeah, honest to God, the guy I'm thinking about the whole time is your husband. Yeah, of course. Of course, this part. You know, just like, oh, cool. What a great story you've written about fucking the co-star. The guy I watched you on stage with everyone. Yeah, the guy, remember all those nights where I was like,

you swear to God, there's nothing because it seems like there's real chemistry and you guys had to go rehearse. You wrote a fantasy story about fucking... That's right. So, Danny, I know a thing or two about your problem. I made a TV series that was very much based off of all the flaws in my life. Working moms. You can see it on Netflix.

It's a phenomenal show. Phenomenal show. Writer. producer, director, star. This is not what we're doing right now. We're helping Danny. But thank you for the plug. All on Netflix.

All available right now on Netflix if you want to hop. Seven seasons. No bitterness or disdain. Danny, you got to get ahead of the problem. I don't know if I've told you. I'm writing an eighth season for you. A little bit of fan fiction. Yeah.

It's a whole thing. It's a whole thing. Danny, you get ahead of it. You're going to first sit down with your husband. So first of all, you've read it. an entire novel. That must have taken some time. During this process, you haven't connected with your new friends or husband about what you're

writing? No, not at all. Wow, quite the double life. So what do you say you're doing all this time? Yeah, that's a great question. Well, so... You just say you're writing? Well, no, I work for myself, so I'm just like, sometimes I just like sit in my office and write

or at my home office and write. So, I mean, nobody really asks questions. They think I'm just doing work. Okay, I think you go and you tell husband first, right? And you just say, look, I remember how it was in the play? And there was this, you know, all of a sudden it was the craziest thing. I'm acting with this guy who's half my age, which was so bizarre. And it struck me that it was a great idea for a book.

And so it was just a great jumping off point. And you explained to him just the way you just explained to us what a human experience it was to come to this. You've been so pent up sexually. No. You've had writer's book. Danny, do you have the book even unfinished in front of you? I have it on my phone. Okay, Danny, I need you to do me a favor

because what I want to show Kat right now, and while I'm telling you this, could you do me a favor? Just think of the sexiest, most erotic scene with the co-star and ready that, because Kat needs to hear this, because here's the problem. Okay.

Your husband, no matter how you caveat this, Yes. Your husband is going to read the thing that you're about to read to us, and he's not going to feel good. He's going. Now, I'm not saying, let's cater. This is not a, hey, worry about men. I'm just saying with what you just went through watching, like, Kat, when your husband would see you on set with your writing scenes where you're hooking up. Yep.

What would your husband, was your husband, how secure was fill with? with all of this. I swear to God, I got ahead of it. And I was just like, here's, you know, he would hear all the readthroughs. He would go through a thing. And I was like, what do you think of it? Do you think this is compelling as a viewer?

And you make him think of it as an audience. Can you read us an erotic? Now, I'm not talking about give us, you know, five page. Oh, you worry about him, Gareth. I'm worried. I'm a little worried. Again, I really think if it wasn't about the situation, if this was about you being a,

like a heavily bosomed woman on a buccaneer ship and you're hooking up with the main... That's total fantasy. But I'm worried about making the transition just from this show to now you're fucking that guy in a story that he's going to read. I'm like, I'm just putting myself in that position and I'm not normal, so maybe there's...

I could say that again. But Natalie, Danny, has come on screen, which is never good for me. No, no, I just have a question. I have a question. Is your main character... actually very similar to you? Does it feel like it's your life?

Or is it just this? Because if it's not, then it's just the situation and it's just a plotline. But if it's like literally you, then yeah, you're in hot water, I think. So she looks like me,

which I can still change because we're still in the editing part. She works for herself, but in a different industry. So there are things I can change To make her different than me But But the question isn't necessarily

The question is how public do you want to be? Do us a fit. Give us a read on some of Rod. Jesse's here. The whole goddamn gangs here. What's going on, Jesse? Although all I was going to say is that Daddy did send us an excerpt

If you guys want to see it Or one of you wants to read it. Maybe we can do it that way. You want me to read it? Okay. Of course. I sent a really somewhat team because I know you guys do YouTube, so I didn't want to do anything to graphic.

So this is kind of just like somewhat tame. Yeah, and it's still sexy, though. Let's have a read. All right. My nipples are hard already. So let's see what happens. What? What?

Okay. Hold on. I can't see. Yeah, okay. Okay. Oh, yeah, let's go. Oh, so you gave yourself the fake name. of the character in this call.

I did. Okay. Oh, no. That's not helping the situation, Danny. Hopefully your husband doesn't listen to this part. Okay. Danny felt her knees begin to weaken. And she slid out.

Hold on. Karras. If you're going to do it, do it with a little bit. Become the party. You want a horn? You want some horn? You want a little horn?

Deliver the goods. You got a horn. All right, here we go. Call me goat. I'll get some horn for you. I cannot wait to hear this. Fudgy Brownie. A dragon will come and beat his drum.

Danny felt her knees begin to weaken. And she split out of his grasp. What? Natalie, just don't come on. Cats, go ahead. Come on. Show us. Here we go.

Here we go. I can't believe I have to do this. HAM! Unique New York. This is an unedited. It's just, you know, somewhat of a draft, so please don't judge me too hard. That's fine.

Oh, but this is what we'll worry about this. Danny felt her knees begin to weaken, and she slid out of his grasp ever so slightly so she could turn to face him. He had her up against the table, looking down at her with those eyes, and she couldn't deny the feelings that were rushing through her body. He looked as if he wanted to devour her right then and there, and in that moment, she knew she absolutely would have let him. His hands reached up to cup her face as hers went to rest against his chest, which was slightly exposed by the half-open button.

Up he favored wearing. It's about the clothes you worse. Can I kiss you? he asked, his eyes searching her for a sign of resistance. The air seemed to rush out of her lungs, but Danny managed a meek nod. Oh, she's so meek. And that was all he needed. Eric's lips dove at her With the same level of what that Of what that of want Sorry, Eric's lips dove at her With the same level of want

That mimicked the feeling growing in her At first the kiss was surfaced level The stage kiss meant to fool an audience But ultimately remained chaste But soon Danny felt Eric's tongue Tentatively Tentatively Tentatively

Tentatively Oh that's better Dance against her parted lips Her mind only briefly chanced a moment of hesitation before letting him in. And soon they were kissing with all the fervor of teenagers. You think that her husband's not going to be able to handle this? Yeah. Do you want to continue?

There's more, yeah. Okay, okay. I mean, let's get it. Yeah, let's get to sex, I guess. Yeah. One of his hands. What? Go ahead.

Go ahead. I'm sorry. There's no sex. this being. But there is sex in it. Oh, wait. Hold on. There's great dialogue coming. Yeah, there is. Hold on. Hold on. Got it, got, got, got. Yeah, skip down. Yeah. I'll hurry. Yeah. Her hands went to dig into his tousled hair as they continued to explore each other,

which caused a groan to escape his lips. Fuck, you were so hot, Danny. At the sound of her real name, Danny snapped out of her stupor and pulled back, dropping her hands to his biceps and pushing him from her. Tom's face danced at the back of her mind as she looked with alarm at Eric, whose swollen lips were parted with shock. Oh my God, I'm sorry, he stumbled. I got carried away.

That was so not cool of me. Jesus Christ, there's so much more. Yeah, no. Wow. I'm sorry? Danny hopped down from the table and smoothed her skirt before reaching up to check her hair. Thank you for the help. She used her shoulder to push him out of the way

as she raced to the door, but she reached for her hand just as she, but he reached for her hand just as she approached it. Danny, she shook her wrist-free, which thankfully he had the sense to release immediately and threw open the door. No, no, it's okay, I'm fine, we're fine, I just need some air.

And with that, she rushed out, leaving a stunned Eric with a K behind. Pardon to put out the K. I mean... Well, not a normal Eric. No. And also she did favor with a U, the British. Canadian also.

Oh, Canadian. I mean, look, there's fucking in the cat. Okay. What do you think? Because I'm still where I was before. I kind of stand by my initial, only because the character in my show was based off of me. Literally couldn't look more like me. It was me.

And I told my husband around my friends. Your advice is she sits down with her husband. She has this conversation. and then she can tell her initial concern was that people in the production, like the real life Eric, read this. And then, so you think you open, I mean, listen, very good, very mature advice from Kat to tell the people that you think would be affected by this. I'm going to go in another direction.

It's also the truth. I'm going to say, let's pitch on ghost writing names for you. And you don't tell anybody. about this. And what I'm also going to say you do is you, on your computer, have a back fake document, a backup fake document that's all about you fucking your husband. So that if he finds out and he's like, hey, what the fuck is this? You then go, hey, babe, but I'm also writing one about you and I fucking at a six flags. Should she also learn how to speak German? This is an amazing amount of time that's going to be spent during to make all this happen. I'm saying,

Listen, that writing, first of all, Danny, that's great writing. Very sexy. Very sexy. I'm ready to get to the insertion, okay? But that's not what this is about. But I'm going to say my pitch is let's give you some ghost names. And you don't tell anyone until this becomes a bigger deal. And if it does and you start seeing some numbers and some checks are starting to show up,

then you say to your husband, look, it's good news. We got a grand extra coming in a month from a cell. published, but I want to tell you, I just wrote what I was feeling for my first one, and then you go the cat route. You're going to hit him with the reality of it and all that, but you're not going to address it until... Until caught? No, until something happens.

It's like, I won't talk about a thing that I'm doing until it's actually a thing, you know? Like, I'm not going to say, I'm writing a movie because I'm like, well, probably nothing's going to come from it. So I'm writing a movie. Why, you know, I don't need to tell someone that because it'll be a weird little private thing I'll have. But this, I think... This is different, though. This is different. This is different. Go ahead. I mean, I like the ghostwriting thing, and that was always my initial thing. And I... You want names? I'm sorry? Are you ready for your ghost name? We're going to give you... We're going to give you names. They're going to be good.

Okay, I got my pen and paper. All right, I need a minute with son. Do you have any as queued up? Here, can I? Here we go. Here we go, here we go. Hortense, Weaseldorf. It's fucking.

It's not going to lie. It's pretty good. I'm not going to lie. Her first one's really good. Okay. I don't know if I didn't be able to top that. Um, uh, uh, um, um, um. You've been,

writing for 30 seconds. What do you got? You want to hear my first few? You're going to hate my first two, but then stick with me. Because I think the third one's good. Here's my first two. Okay. Clit Titty. Nope. No one. Next. Nope. Sweat tea crack. Next. Neither. Nothing on either this. Nope. Here's my third one. Belinda Doggy. Oh, hold on. I like that. I like Belinda

Donnie, I do. I think that woman sells books. She sounds like she does, yeah. Anything there, Danny? Oh, you know what? You know what? I might pitch. I might pitch using the name Danny, because that's already kind of a fantasy name, so let's make it feel like it's kind of autobiographical about the author a little bit. So maybe it could be Danny. Oh, that really gets him off the scent, because that is who's this mysterious Danny.

she won't come out in public to talk about her book. Meanwhile, checks are showing up. You're a little bit of a lie. But sure, if you want to, if this is the approach, then we can go with Danny Wet and Fast. Danny Muster. Sure. It didn't sound like she liked that one.

Well, it's because Gareth put too much on it. Yeah, well. Do it light. Give me a light one now. Like you're finding it. Oh, yeah. Like, imagine the interview. Danny Muster.

Very good. Nine Pulitzer. You know? What's your favorite curse word? Yeah. I love it. I love it. Okay.

Danny, I think we got this one good. Danny, what do you think? Where are you at? Are you liking the name pitches? Do you like one? Do you have a pitch of your own? You're going to not tell anyone to start? That's the plan?

Yeah, I think I think I'm going to go with that. because that was my initial instinct. I just wanted confirmation. I really don't think anybody's ever going to read it, other than my friend. You can't think that way, though. But also, you don't know what's going to happen. Yeah, I read a little bit of it and I want to read more. That's right.

I wouldn't read it on a plane, if you know what I mean. No, you've got to back your goods up. Yeah, I love it. I think using a ghostwriting name, using Danny as the name, I mean, the character does already have a last name. It's not as interesting as any of the ones that you guys came up with. Wieseldorf? You know, yeah, or Titty, that was probably a really good one. I think that's the first name.

I don't know. Titty's good. I don't remember who pitched it, but everybody seems to like it pretty much. Yeah, I don't know. But yeah, I think that's what I'm. going to go with is just not saying anything. Danny Flowers. Ah.

Danny Soppy. I think she was... I think the gate is closed on pitches. Danny Gates. I think we found it. Nope. Don't just say what I'm doing. Danny Penn. Danny Climb. Danny rope.

Danny Ropes. Danny frozen ropes. Danny drive. Danny brush. Danny teeth. Danny brush hair Danny Biden Danny Nichols

I think Danny do you feel good I feel good I feel good okay so Danny you publish keep us posted

on how it's going I think how long is the book right now it's like before editing it's like 390 take care

godspeed I was gonna offer a reading or something like that but that's not going to happen it's too long Too many. Go get them, Danny. Great stuff.

Tell Eric what's up. Good luck. Oh, God. All right. Thanks, guys. I appreciate it. Bye, Danny. Bye.

Bye. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help. You can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash Here to Help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis,

Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelicki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, do stand up on the road. Go to Gareth Reynolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for any. entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

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