We're Here to Help - WEIRD Here To Help: Eyeball-phobia & The Jammin' Man (with Johnny Pemberton)

Episode Date: May 22, 2026

Johnny Pemberton joins forces with Steve & Eric to help a caller find a cure for her full-bodied aversion to eyeballs. Then, the guys brainstorm worthy ways to show appreciation for a bongo-playing divorcée living his best life in Mexico.Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. I've not had a single guest yet. And the big reason why is I wanted a truly great guest. It's not only a hilarious, but incredible person. And he's here. I am so fired up to have one of the greatest actors on the planet, one of the funniest standups on the planet, one hell of a guy.

And the guy he and Steve Berg are kind of my North Star for getting me into new music. Ladies and gentlemen, we are so lucky to have the guest helper today, Mr. Johnny Pemberton. It's great to have you, and I think you're building. for the show because you're a guy in life that is not afraid to help. You have great advice for people and these people calling in, boy, do they need it, friend. I think I need the help, but I'm going to get the help by helping. That's why we're here. That's basically why we do it and a tiny stipend.

Really. Yeah. Tiny stipend. The word stipend is underused, isn't it? Yeah. So Johnny, when we bring people in, we ask them to give their favorite all time. You're on a desert Island, a book, a movie slash premium TV show and music. I would love for you to do that, but give us some music because everybody should see it's being edited coming out soon. Johnny has an amazing one-man show called, it's called Minnesota Reggae Colostomy Back. Did I get that right or did I get the order wrong? That's what it's called until they make me change it for some reason, but I don't think they will. But this thing was, I'm just going to say it, and I told you this, Steve, it was the best one-person

I've ever seen. And a huge reason why is the redemptive power of music that comes kicking in at the end, because you were going through a whole lot. And music kind of lifted you and boosted you. When you talk a little bit about the kind of music you love, because you have the most glorious, random, obscure taste in the good shit. Like, when you say you're a reggae fan, this ain't Bob Marley legend. Yeah, I like a lot of Jamaican music, I would say, because I mean, you can call it reggae, but some stuff was before that was a word. So like late 60s, I think reggae started to be a word of maybe 1969, 1971, something like that.

I forget exactly. But, you know, that's what we do these for us so people can correct you who have infinite time and resources to correct someone who's just speaking extemporaneously. God forbid I say the wrong year for something. Oh, go right in. Excuse me.

Oh, excuse me, actually, I believe that was re-released in October. Actually, I welcome those corrections. I really do. Because someone's got to do it. Yeah, I like a lot of Jamaican music. I mean, that's not only thing I like, but that's been pretty much my heaviest obsession in the past, I don't know, 20 years, I guess, you could say?

Yeah. And then what else are you into? Because you and Steve have some... What was the band that you guys bonded on when you were talking? Quasi. Yeah. I used to DJ this radio station at Florida State called WVFS Tallahassee.

That was the college radio station. That was like an indie rock focus station. So I learned a lot about indie rock back then. I love a lot of that stuff. I also like a lot of R&B and jazz. Who are some of your favorite indie rock bands from when you were DJing? Just curious.

God, favorite indie rock bands? I mean, it's just so hard to remember because I got into, you know what? I really like Mark Robinson, and he was in a band called Flynnflon and a band called Team Fis. He has a record label called Team B. Everything they put out is great.

I love Mark Robinson. I also like, like, I really like Quasi a lot. I do like the band Tortoise and all those. offshoots, everything on that sort of thing. I really got into Superchunk. I got into... God, I'm trying to think here.

This is really a blast backwards for me. Because it's like some of the stuff I just don't really listen to anymore, not because they don't like it, just because it's like, you know, an era of my life that I listen to a significant amount of it while doing GHB with my girlfriend. Yeah. Perfect.

Perfect. Yes. Everybody listening to H&B go hand in hand too. Yeah, also McDonald's French fries and the mall. There you go. That's all you need. Well, most lo-fi music listeners are just doing GHB at the mall. I mean, that's like a very common thing.

Yeah, I can go into it, but I probably shouldn't. That's fair. That's fair. Now, Johnny, you and I also, we really hit it off in Tulsa together. We, of course, played Berda and Blackie. But you came up with a nickname for me that the guys in the podcast, Jake and Gareth really love for the amount of older artists that I see, and I think you were originally in shock that I actually see these older artists.

Can you please tell them the nickname you gave me? Is it the Reaper? Yep. Yeah, the Reaper. Because Eric's obsessed, as you know, with anyone who's in the deepened AARP, Eric just can't get enough of it. He has like this weird sort of like vampiric relationship with old people. And they love it too because they don't get people asking them questions

they have been asked in 57 years, but it's also this thing like, I think Eric's gonna live a long time but he's just sucking the souls out of people. Tell me more about the last time you saw Janice Joplin. Reaching into their pockets and taking all their worthers original. Yes, oh my God, yeah.

Right, just the, his obsession is, I just love it, it's so much. It's so funny to me. Like, I kind of can't, I don't think I would have died a long time, ago if I spent that much time around those type of elderly people, I would have died of like sheer absolute boredom. I would have just like turned to just take my life. Please, I can't handle like the 10,000th question about Bob Dylan. Oh, I want to know it all, man. I don't know how you

do it man. Remember that part in trainspace, automobiles? Oh yeah, the people that say we create our own world, how is it that I'm now on a show with a bunch of senior citizens called the Burroughs coming out May 21st? It's nothing but vital senior citizens. You're creating your own reality. Yeah, I need to do that. Man, I got to create my own. I'm trying to think what do. I'll create something. I got to create something like that. You already are though. And everyone should watch Fallout. And Fallout was one. I probably wouldn't have seen it were it not for Johnny being on there and my buddy Dallas Goldtooth. I love it. It's so great. Cool show.

It is such a cool, stylized show. An episode gets done, you just want to keep doing it. And your guy, Thaddeus, you find that gray area so damn well in that show. Because on paper, he might be a little, you know, more of a dick, but you really make him kind of lovable while he's even doing awful things. Well, I'm not, you know, it's a very complicated show. And I just am doing, I'm just doing my best. That's all you can do, babe.

That's all you can do. All right, Johnny, are you ready for our first caller? You look really here to help today. I'm ready. Hello, caller. You are live with Steve Berg, special guest helper Johnny Pemberton, and me. Eric, where are you calling from today? And what name would you like to use while you're on air?

Oh, thanks. I'm Liz, and I'm calling from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Oh, oh. So excited to be with you guys. Oh, that's awesome. That's awesome. Well, Liz, and you're very lucky because we have a rare guest helper today and Johnny Pemberton. But Liz, to start us off and to get a little bit of a sense for you, please let us know you're on a desert island.

You can only bring one album, one book, and one DVD of a movie slash premium television show. What's it going to be, Liz? It's going to be Barton Hollow by Civil Wars album And then I'm going to go with anything by Kristen Hannah For a book And then for a show It's going to be Parks and Rec for sure Okay perfect we love it

And we love my work on there too You know I was a vital party season one Here we go Here we go here we go You know Steve you're just going to have to deal with it And then they were able to get a lot more famous people So I didn't come back so much because, you know, you got Robbie Lowe, you got Adam Scott, but, you know, I planted my flag there, dammit.

So, Liz, what can Steve Berg, Johnny Pemberton, and I help you with today? So I don't, I don't feel like this is super weird, but maybe you guys will think it's weird. We'll make it weird. Don't worry. Okay, perfect. I have an extreme phobia of eyes. And this dates back to middle school. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Steve helper. What's an eye? First off, explain what an eye. First up, Johnny doesn't know any of the human anatomy. So please if you can't,

that seems like one of those things where you can't, that's going to be a problem. Yeah. God bless you, that is weird. I'm talking about eyeballs. Wow.

Yes. Yes. So it interferes with daily life. The windows into one soul. Yeah. So the, kind of the specific part of it, though,

is back in middle school, and I'm 43 years old now. So this has been a lifetime for me here. Middle school sitting at the cafeteria table, a friend of mine flips her eyelids inside out while we're eating lunch. And that's really what triggered this whole thing. I screamed. Of course, I got in trouble.

I was a very well-behaved middle school student. So this was kind of a little surprising that I got in trouble for screaming because it was traumatic. but ever since then, I just, I can't get over the eye phobia. I need to go see the eye doctor. I'm just not sure how to get through this kind of thing. Wow. Okay. Now, is there an actual, like, you know, name for this kind of phobia?

I'm curious. Yeah. There probably is, but I've never looked it up before. I haven't checked. I just, my friends just tend to harass me. I have some questions. Johnny, go. So when you say eye phobia, you're scared of, what does that mean?

You're not scared of eyes. No, I'm, what really freaks me out is if somebody's going to mess with their eye. Okay. Like if you're going, you're going up to touch your face in some way you're anywhere near your eye, I can't look at it. You're pulling, you know, the skin around your eye around. Like, no, not going to happen. Contacts, no. But a part of it is when I go to the eye doctor, they're just really up.

in your business within your eye. And then I've had just some traumatic eye doctor visits. So I need to get my eyes examined. But I don't want anybody touching my eye. I don't want to know anything about my eye. I have pretty decent vision. Just like get it done and move on, but don't actually touch my eye to examine it. Do you need lenses?

Do you need corrective lenses? I do. Just ever so slightly. What kind? Near sighted or far sided? I am near sighted. Okay. Hmm.

And I'm, you know, I'm getting older driving at night. I can't see in the dark like I used to. Yeah, that's normal. Yeah, that's a problem. You know, yeah. The last time I went to the eye doctor, I told them, you know, don't tell me what you're doing. Just do it. And then I'll, you know, I'll react afterwards.

But eventually the doctor had to pin my head back in the chair in order to finish the exam. This is like, you were seeing Clockwork Orange. Oh. No. Actually, you probably shouldn't see it. Oh. Don't watch it. Or watch or or.

I'm forgetting. He heard that. I'm going with this. Maybe like what they were doing to Alex, the, the protagonist in that waterfall film, they were desensitizing him to violence. But maybe you need to desensitize yourself to eyeball stuff. Yeah. Yeah. That also makes my knee hurt.

Like I have a physical reaction when. Your knee. Yes. So then I have to pop my knee. So I'm even popping it right now here because. Okay. So it's man. Can you do it next to the microphone? Can we hear it?

Yeah, if we can hear that knee pop. Yes, yes. We would love to get clean audio of that. Okay. A hole for pop. Hold for pop. Hold for room. Hold for knee pop toe. I'm having had. Oh, yeah.

That's a good pop, Liz. I think I heard that. Damn. Wow, that was legit. Knowledge is power. And what you have, Liz, is a real thing. It's called amatophobia. And that is the irrational, intense fear of eyes.

including looking into them, being looked at, Johnny just popped his knee, or seeing pictures of them. And so, you know, the causes, it's all, the fear is often rooted in, ding, ding, ding, previous eye-related trauma or a fear of bodily harm. And it can also stem from a fear of seeing an eye injury or a psychological fear of being looked into. And I think this started that day in junior high,

might be a little more into it. Now I'm going to say one of the most vivid memories I have in my life. I had a friend named Robbie. He had a glass eye. And one day, his glass eye fell out on the school bus. And it was going uphill. And I can still hear the sound of that glass eye rolling back during going up a hill in Vancouver, Washington. I'll never forget it. And poor Robbie covering his eye running back to look for it. But it was harder to find it. It was harder to fine because he only had the one eye in. Also, you can't just put that dirty eye back in. You can't put it back in. I think you really

wanted to with that poor guy. I hope they've made... You got to wash any beer. Yeah, right? Yeah, or vodka. You might get a little buzz off that. Some normal people do. T.H.C. powder. Uh, but I that is, I can still hear and feel that sound, Liz. So I know where you're at.

And I think it might have been luckier had it been Robbie's glass eye for you because what you saw was a real eye. But do you have any of, other of the eye stuff associated with this disorder, which is like a fear of being stared at or other people's eyes or it's a psychological fear of being looked into. Do you think you have that? I mean, no, I don't think so.

I think it's really just, to me it seems like it's just the actual eyeball. Don't mess with it. Don't touch mine. I don't want to know about the anatomy of it. It's just gross. But this is encroaching on your life. a little bit. So I would say, and you're not going to love hearing this, I think, friend, you need some good old-fashioned exposure therapy. I think you need to talk to your optometrist

and see if you can go in there almost as like an unpaid intern and start getting busy with eyes. And it will really, really suck at first. It will not be fun. But gradually, the more you're exposed to it, the less trauma you're going to have and you're going to conquer this thing. Is that too, Is that too crazy, Stephen Johnny? Yeah. Well, no, I mean, Eric, I think a good case example of this is the wonderful movie slash documentary Rimo Williams from the 1980s, starting the great Fred Ward. Now, he was a cop who, you know, his sensei had to turn him into a super soldier.

But he was scared of heights. He was overweight. And it was all exposure therapy to get him to become a super soldier. So, Liz, I think there's a way to be. make you into a super soldier, not that you're intending to be one. However, look, we need all the help we can get right now. And I think, I think exposing you, like, the idea, I feel like it's going to be tough. There might be some kind of hippo thing with a doctor letting in some randout to look at people's eyes.

But maybe not. Maybe we can get around that. But you could just have, like, a buddy come over, flip their eyelids out, and then you just have, like, put a timer on, stare at it for 10 seconds, then like wait it at, wait like 10 minutes, take a little break, have like some cookies and maybe milk,

then do 15 minutes and then just keep on increase it from there, exposure therapy. Pretty soon you'll be loving eyeballs, loving those papers. Yeah, yeah, I've tried this in the mirror, you know,

just to my, like, you know, looking in the mirror myself, knowing I'm not going to touch anything, I'm not going to take it too far, just kind of moving the skin around. Ooh, I don't even do that. Moving the skin.

Yeah, I have. I haven't allowed anybody else to do that. So I can't say I've tried it. My knee is still hurting me right now. I'm also wondering what other physical response I'm going to have if I, if I start the exposure therapy. I think you take some psychedelics. I think you take a low amount of psilocybin and go to Mexico in a fun place and just like start

painting eyes on stuff. And that's going to just pop you through the veil and you're going to be. something like that I feel like that's the answer to everything It's interesting you said that Johnny I was just about ready to say the same thing like exactly Yeah

So there's got to be something to it Obviously you know psychedelics are all the rage right now For all kinds of different therapies And for just a good old fashioned good time But I mean And I don't know if you've ever been to Mexico I'm not sure where your finances are like

But I think they have pretty good deals In Tacbo right now Since there's a bunch of violence there You can also go to Alaska There's no violence in Cabo No violence down there I've been told by the Cabo Tourism Board. We go there regularly.

There's no violence in Cabo, but trips are cheaper. And I think the idea of you going to the Sea of Cortez is just a wee bit of a fungus. The Sea of Cortez. And just staring into people's eyes on the beach is incredibly exciting for all of us. Yeah. Yeah. That's obviously, like in a dream world, I think that is like that's a sure fire way to absolutely turn this around.

Okay. Is that feasible, though? I mean, like, are you... Do you feel like you want somebody a little easier? I mean, if I could convince my husband that this is for therapeutic reason, maybe, I think the other most immediate thing is just getting through an eye doctor appointment. You know, long term, I would love to not be afraid of eyes. But how can I just, you know, I just need new glasses?

How do I get just through that appointment? Just through that appointment? This is horrible advice, but I would take. a Xanax or something. Yeah, take a Xanax. Life sucks. Sometimes things suck. Yeah.

I hadn't even thought of that. Take a Xanax and turn it into a party, right? Johnny, what drug would you take to get through an eye doctor appointment? I mean, if I had that problem, the same thing. Xanax, right? I don't know. Yeah. I one time smoked, I got one time smoked a lot of weed before I went to the dentist.

And let me tell you, that was a terrible idea. No shit, really? That was a bad idea. Not good. Not good. Not good. It was a bad idea. I thought it was a good move.

Wait a minute. Is this an advice podcast or is this like a, what is this? What do we know? Is this the? They had to hose my mouth down and they're, Jesus, you really absorb with that lot of your gums, man. It's like the fucking Sahara in there. That's hilarious.

I'll tell you something I've done, friends. I don't know if I've told you this, Stephen. I do nitrous oxide for cleanings now. There's a guy in large mud. He will give me nitrous for cleaning. and it changed everything for me. Because I want to do drugs. Because it's allowed.

It's an extra 50 bucks and I get nitrous oxide. First of Johnny, I don't, Johnny, just warning, I'm going to do a little time out. Be careful who you listen to me when it comes to medical advice from Eric. Eric also gets a colonics from some random person. No, you don't. I thought you stopped doing that. Yeah. Do it.

And because they're not licensed, they make Eric shove the hose up his ass himself. I got a deal. No. I was going to talk to you about it because we both have stomach stuff, but I got clear to do it. You can't, colonics, whatever. I can't even. No, let loose. Let it out, buddy.

This is a safe place. Nobody should ever get a colonic. Ever, ever, ever get a colonic. There's no reason to ever do it. It's extremely dangerous. It is not medicine. there is no reason to do it whatsoever. That's like saying,

well, I'm going to go have someone drain the blood out of my heart. Eric, don't do that. Eric's like, I'm interested, buddy, I'm in. Just go on, just fast for 24 hours and you're good. That's all I got to do. All right, I like that. I like that. You should, it's dangerous.

If they perforate your colon, you'll fucking die. Right there, you'll die right there when some cat house. You know what I mean? I don't want to die. Valley Cat House? You don't, I thought you... No.

I can't believe you actually do this. If you know me... But sometimes, Eric, you behave like you do want to with these risks you take. You seriously are getting colonics on the reg? My doctor recommended it because my stomach. Yeah, my doctor. But then I found this place that was not recommended by my doctor.

And they did have a deal. Of course. What kind of... Was this a real doctor? Yeah, deep in the valley. A lot of important vital senior citizens go there. I see him in the waiting room. The winners are there.

like you're fucking with me right now. This is like you're fuck with me. No, I wish I was. I wish I was. We, we, we sidetracked. Liz, it's good Johnny knows. Johnny needed to know this. Liz, so yeah, but this is just an example of how you know, sometimes you got to be careful.

But Liz, I do think, like, you gotta go. You're going to have, this is a fear you have to face and you know it, right? Yes, yes. I think, I think, honestly, I think Johnny's example, like, truthfully with the Xanax, that is probably your best course of action. Like you'll be chill. Have someone drive you there. Does Van Nux make you weird when you drive?

Well, I think it's illegal to drive on Xanax. So there is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have your husband drive. And then I think this is a two-pronged approach. Short term, you're going to do some Xanax or nitrous or whatever it is just to get through that I appointment. Long term, I think you need some exposure therapy because it's also affecting your knee. And I think you need to start having your husband or a valued friend.

friend, fold their eyelids up. And you're going to look at it starting for 30 seconds. The next day, a minute. And then slowly. The sounds you're making, those are great. I know, friend. My knees are popping. It sounds like me when I had food poisoning three days ago.

And I was like, oh. Did you really have food poisoning three days ago? Yeah, I did it to myself. How'd you do it to yourself? Oh, I don't even know. I think I ate a bunch of a ton of herbs from my garden without washing them. And I also ate a bunch of, uh, I ate a bunch of wild rice.

I think it was uncooked, undercooked. Just a bunch of stuff. I can handle it. I bounce back so fast from that because, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I don't have the large intestine, so that's different for me. But yeah.

You don't have a large intestine? Lucky. Everybody needs to see Johnny's one-man show. It's so good. Liz, what do you think about starting to have a loved one fold their eyelids up? And you can slowly, I promise you can conquer this. Are you okay with it? Your husband or a friend?

you know, you have them, fold their eyelids up and then you watch TV and then slowly but surely, I truly think this will start to go away. I know, I know how you feel. I hear it. I hear it. It sucks. Temporarily, you're going to do the Xanax for your next doctor's appointment. Okay.

Yeah. I think that'll work. I just got to get my hands on Xanax. But what about long term? Do you feel comfortable having somebody start to show you their eyelids? Not comfortable, but you'll do it. Yeah, I got, I just got to start out slow. I think that's going to be the key of just like I can't watch my husband put his contacts in.

Maybe I start there. I don't know. Boom, that's it. I have two questions. One, you don't have to watch her husband. Do you have to watch her husband put his contacts in? I mean, no, he usually warns me that he's putting him in. So like maybe I just watch one eye.

Or just don't watch it all. Like, I don't watch my wife's shit ever. I don't, I mean, she doesn't want me. but I don't watch I'm in that club Nope Where does the passion come from? So I feel like it's like

He maybe could go in the bathroom He could probably just go in the bathroom and close the door when he does that And two I think You have This just sounds like something that's manageable It's essentially just a personality quirk

It's just who you are That's our friend Liz Who is like Has a thing about eyes And she's cool with everything else You know Yeah It's some of those things where

I think we focus too much on trying to normify people when really it's like that's just your thing it's not the best but it's not like you're not able to

it's not keeping you in the house or like keeping you from doing anything so you're just like a cool weirdo that's all. Yeah besides like if my kids get something stuck in their eye then I'm not helpful

you know like that's dad's job but Billy Bob Durton Bill about Thornton is afraid you know Billy Bob Thorne is afraid of antiques and clowns, and he still, you know, is one of our, one of our great treasures. So, like, yeah, this is like Johnny said it's, it's your quirk, you know, own it, make it your own. I think that's great.

But also, like, I think you can take some steps to get to that eye doctor so you can drive at night in case you have to. Deal, deal. I think everyone's right. Liz, I think everyone's right here. Johnny's right. This is just a fun quirk. Try a tiny bit of exposure therapy of just realizing you control it.

You say, okay, under your eyes, I'm not comfortable. my knee hurts. And temporarily, this is a very pro-medicinal drug podcast. So you take yourself a Xanax and you will be of the ocean in your head. And you're going to have a nice old time at that eye doctor. Yeah. And your doctor will help you out with that. That's like an easy script, I think.

I'd also say consider renting clock or orange, fast-forting 95 minutes into the movie. Johnny, this is part of the healing. Uh, maybe take that psilocybin, crank up the volume and watch, uh, the desensitization, uh, MK Ultra style scene that they're going to show. Do I, do Zanx with that too? Yes. Maybe. Maybe.

That might be psychedelics, Liz, but like, watch that part. I think it, Steve, Steve's on to something here. But we've given you some approaches today, but you know what I'm going to say now? You are stuck with us. Keep checking in. Find a friend to show you their eyelids. In the meantime, you get Zanax for your appointment because we need you driving around seeing on those roads.

Deal, deal. All right, Liz. Thank you so much, friend. I hope we help today. Bye, Liz. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Good luck.

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And I'll tell you why. I can wear it on the pod. I can wear it out socially to a lunch, easy. But I can also wear it to a business of it. I'm not kidding. I have a closet wrap. in my Honda Odyssey. This is getting sad, but I do, and it's just all Quince stuff. Refresh your every day with luxury you'll actually use. Head to quince.com slash here to help for free shipping on

your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada 2. That's QI-N-C-E.com slash here to help for free shipping and 365-day returns quince.com slash here to help. Hello, caller. How are you doing? Welcome to Weird Here. help with Eric Edelstein, our special guest, Johnny Pemberton, America's favorite raconteur, and your other host, Steve Berg. My friend, what is your name? And if you could tell us what your favorite album is, what your favorite movie slash premium tellbin show is, and favorite book, we would love to hear them. Oh, so cool to be here with you guys. Hi, my name is Carly. I live in Bismarck, North Dakota. Oh. Yeah. And, um,

Let's see it. My favorite movie is an 80s Tom Hanks movie called The Burbs. Oh, sure. We love the Burbs. Bruce Stern. Yeah. I feel like, uh-huh. I feel like that's most of my personality.

Cory Feldman. Cory Feldman. Great movie. Yeah, Cory Feldman. Carrie Fisher. Oh, you're right. You're right. And this...

I remember Corey Feldman had that great vision jinks skateboard, and I thought that was so cool as a kid. Oh, underrated Rick Doakman. It's a great big guy actor. So good. I wanted to be like him when I was a cat. That movie was canned by the critics. Well, they were wrong. The Burbs rules.

Okay, Carly, what about the book or album? An album? Well, I think you guys have said straight to jail for any compilations, but can I do a compilation? We'll allow it today since Johnny's here. Thank you. Do you guys remember in the 90s the now that's what I call music? Oh, sure. Yes, I have one.

Familiar, yeah. Yeah, it'd be like gooo dog dolls, blink 182, ace of base. Ew. I'm sorry. Which number though? No, that's what I thought. Yeah, which now was it? Now one?

If you can't specify, I say it straight to jail. You have to specify a number. Yeah, we need a number. We need a volume number. How about 1999? Oh, they're not yearly, though. They're not yearly. They're additions.

It's like 26, volume 5? Yeah, I totally meant volume five. You met Volume 5. And also I love Ace of Base, I will say. It's a Bays and it's a legit. Sounds like you just phone to friend. What about a book? Is there a novel or a piece of nonfiction you care for?

Hmm. Well, if I was stranded on an island, I might want the Bible. But I also love the book Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller. Okay. Very interesting thoughts on spirituality. Oh, yeah, introspective. You can go deep with it, probably read-read sentences and get different meanings. That makes sense.

That makes sense. Good choices. And it's even better when you throw on it. Now that's what I call music. You listen to spin doctors and start pondering God. I saw the sign in it open. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I mean, A's of Bass was really good, I think.

They were fun. They were like a fun Abba. It was like if Abba had little babies and then they had a band, it would be Aza Bass. Maybe I'm just saying that because we're all skating in a European. Anyways, Carly, what can we help you with today? Okay, so my husband, dog, and I are in Mexico right now. Ooh, fun. Whereabouts?

In Baja. Awesome. Awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's 18 hours south of San Diego. Damn.

What's the name of the mountain to Bahá, what's the closest city to there, or closest settlement, or you want to call it, you know? Toto Santos. Oh, that's awesome. Way to get out. That's not far from Cabo, with it. Right. It's like an hour north of Cava.

Yeah, yeah. I have heard wonderful things about that place. Are you just a little vacation? Are you guys working or what's cooking there? Well, we drove our camper from Bismarck to Mexico. Wow. What the hell? Hardcore.

You are living right. You could do that? You could do that? Yeah, it's pretty fun. God. Yeah, we left home about two or three months ago. Wow. Yeah, so we're camping on a beach in Mexico right now.

What could you possibly need help with? Yeah, you've won life friend. And you're fairly long to help us. We go to this resort in Cabo and my mom is so scared we're going to get, we're going to, I'm going to get kidnapped. Eric, what if they've seen you on television? What if, honey, please, would you please? I'm like, we're at a resort, mom. Like, we have a butler.

We're okay. It's called Las Ventanas. We Google it. Marianne is terrified. Doesn't want me leaving. In her, in her defense, you are highly kidnappable. I don't think I am. I think they'd get sick of me.

I think they get tired of talking about Bob Dylan, but. like, go. They would. They would just gag you. Yeah, for sure. I'm fucking let this guy go. Yeah, but Carly, I got to say, you're a legitimate badass. Taking a camper from North Dakota to Baja is so cool.

So yeah, I'm very curious. What do you need help with? It sounds like we should be asking you for advice. Well, come on down any time. Done. Done. But we've been at the same campground for about two months. Oh, man.

And there's an awesome guy in our campground named Frank. Brue boy. He's been camped here for like a year and a half. And he's so awesome. He's a total vibe, like the godfather of our campground. Yeah. He's about 65 and he loves to jam. Like that's his whole thing is jamming.

What's he, like a guitar? Like what kind of jam is we talking? Well, he'll blast music. Oh, he likes to jam. He jams music. Like his own, a boombox. Yeah, so it's like a boombox, but then his jamming part is he plays bongos and harmonica simultaneously. Oh, what a king.

This guy is divorced. And I want you guys to know that the harmonica. That's his worst man right there. Is Frank divorced? Johnny's fucking right. There's no way he's hooked up, man. Yeah. Is Johnny?

Johnny correct. Carly? He is divorced. That is a type of unbridled freedom from a man that's been married for like 40 years and finally got the divorce. And I was like, I'm doing whatever I want. And that is bongos on the beach. Bongo's harmonica. Talking to everybody.

Yeah. Oh, man. Well, so you seem to like Frank. You know, you like his jamming. But I'm sensing there's some coming. There's a catch, the twist. Well, he loves when people jam with him. So we've gone over to his camper

and we'll, like, sing quote-unquote karaoke with him just to have some fun. And we're leaving Mexico in two weeks, and we would like a fun way to hype up his jamming and just let him know how awesome he is for being kind of the legend of this campground and this area. Cash. Cash is always the best. Yeah, cash.

Just, you know, whatever cash, everyone loves cash, you know, just cash. 20th and 10s. A little red envelope, you know, sort of Chinese New Year's style. Well, in pesos, that's a lot of cash we can make rain. Oh, big time, big time. I mean, is somebody who hangs around with a lot of important vital seniors who are unfiltered, I want to salute you for your friendship with Frank. I know the value you've gotten out of it, even if no one else does.

I think you have to, you got to plan a goodbye party, and it's under the guise of your saying goodbye, but it's to celebrate Frank. It's to celebrate what a legend he is. It's to celebrate his divorce, that that lady who didn't understand his music is gone. And we're glad about that. And just to really, I think, I bet Frank gets a lot of attention. But give him some even more because there was too long that vital seniors were not celebrated for the legends they are. Vital seniors.

I think you need to hit. You can also go into town and get him one more musical instrument. He's only double fisting. He's got bongos and a harmonica. Yeah. But like imagine if he got him like the Bob Dylan harmonica holder, then he can bring a guitar into the equation. He can bring in even more. And like what I'm hearing from you is kind of the beginnings of a cult.

and it's a cult I'm very interested in joining here. Oh, what is that, Johnny? Is that the necronomical? This is called a Kalinga. I think it's called that. You should get in one of these things. Johnny, will you play that? What is it?

It's not in tune, but it's called like a finger piano or a Kalinga. I think that's what's called. Oh, yeah, sure. So I got this for me in South Africa. That is neat. It's kind of a xylophone energy to it. If it's in tune, it sounds incredible. It sounds good.

now, buddy? Well, it sort of does. I mean, not like harmonically, but maybe rhythmically, yeah. That'd be a fun gift. That's a cool gift for somebody. Yeah, I think, I do think, like, adding to his, you know, his arsenal of jamming equipment is probably a great idea. Like, you know, there's also those, like, little hand drums that aren't too much money. Like, what's the budget here on what you want to spend on Frank? What's Frank worth you? Oh, oh, my gosh, he's priceless, but I'd spend $100 U.S. dollars. Oh, you can get him something awesome for that. You can get him something nice.

Now, let me ask you this. Is Frank currently romantically intertwined? Does he have a, does he have himself a lady friend or a man friend or anything? That I don't know for sure, but I would say no. I mean, I'd love to, I'd love it if we can play matchmaker and hook up Frank. Eric could love to have sex with Frank. I'm offering that. I am a ticket.

I'm an airplane ticket away. I want to hear the harmonica. I want to hear the bongos. And at the end of the day, it's just skin. It is. It's just skin. Eric's body is a playground. Everyone gets to have fun with it. I think let Frank take a little turn with that and see what happens.

But in case Eric can't come, I do think adding another instrument is a great idea. Like, especially if you have a $100 budget. I mean, you could get kind of a lot for $100 bucks. Like a little hand drum. Yeah. Like a, you know, I'm trying to think what else like, I mean, I like, what is that called again, Johnny? That's called a Kalinga. You get in like one of those fish things, those little, like the,

Add the fish Yep Yep You could also Oh yeah Who doesn't love that? It's really cool African instrument

I don't know what's called But it's like a gorg That has a net Of beads around It's kind of You can shake it Oh those are great Because those are always fun

A tambourine is always great too Tambourine's cool Shout out Joel Gion Brian Jones Town Massacre A friend of the pod I think there's a Stevie five Here's

Now here's what I want to know because I do know Vital seniors quite well. There is a 100% chance that Frank will one day come to North Dakota and stay with you for a undetermined amount of time that could turn into years. This might be some burbs

going on right now. Yeah, you've manifested the verbs. It sounds like you've invited into Bruce Stern. There's no way he does not now think of himself as bicostal with a little place in North Dakota. Are you prepared for him to come up? I welcome it. Oh, you're awesome. This is

why you're on the right pod. You're a glorious weirdo accepting of seniors. Thank you. You could probably also leave him some 50 SPS because I'm Gary, I bet he does not wear sunscreen. That feels accurate. While Frank is probably a, you know, died the wool beach rat, I mean, they can still, they're not perfect in the sun either. I'll bet you money, Frank's one of those, no, no, you get the cancer from the sunscreen. Sun's fine. People live with the sun forever. You're baking in those chemicals from Monsanto. That's how you get sick. I mean, he's probably right.

Right, I know this guy. I know, I am Frank. Frank sounds like a man of science. I mean, you are Frank. Yeah, no, one day there'll be people calling in about me. Like, this guy, I guess he was like a character actor. Yeah. He's on Malibu bugging Don Johnson all the time.

Park for Don Johnson. If only, I did, I went to bug him at an elevator when he was getting his parking validated. I really did. I really did. So, Carly, how are you feeling about all this? I feel like we presented you with a dynamic swath of, options to truly honor Frank and we love your love for Frank. What do you think about that? A musical

instrument, a special party for him, and maybe just maybe playing a little bit of matchmaker. Well, the area we're in is very limited, but I can go scour the little town first. There's got to be something I can bang my hand against, right? Oh, yeah. There's some babes out there. There's got to be some babes. What about like a painting of some sort, you know? That's always a nice thing. I don't know if you're artistically inclined in that way, but anytime someone makes something for someone, it's always just, especially if it doesn't take up a lot of space,

that's always, that's always appreciated, I think. Yeah, I love anything. Anything that's personal like that is just unbelievably nice. Yeah, handmade stuff is the best. It really is. You know, I would also say, like,

you could have like a last night celebration for him, you know, maybe some fish tacos on the beach, you know, some kind of cabbage sloth. you know, a spiced black beans. Sounds good, damn. Maybe some soap of pias at the end because everyone wants a dessert and stuff of pias are really good.

But yeah, I think some kind of nice like a little banquet for Frank and they can present the instrument to him and then give him a new spare set of keys to your place in Bismarck. Yeah. Oh, yeah, we can leave a key with him for sure. Oh, that would go. Come as you want, Frank.

And he'll come up. Yeah, what the hell am I doing here? Here, there's been to Bismarck, man. I don't think that Frank's going to go to Bismarck North Dakota. I mean, people, there's a reason you've been gone for three months. You're not wrong.

I'm from Minnesota, and Minnesota is, it's better than the Dakotas. And even there, I want to get out of there. So, it's not like... We're in Minnesota. I grew up in Rochester. Yeah. Okay.

I love Minnesota. It's great, but it's also six months of the year. It's not great. It's frigid. Yeah. It's frigid. Wait, does Frank drink or smoke or do anything like that?

Both. Yes, I mean, because it's realistic, you're probably not going to be able to acquire an instrument. Let's just assume you're not to be able to acquire an instrument, but you can always get someone, like, a really nice bottle of tequila is always appreciated, especially if you like to drink. Or even if he, wherever he drinks,

like a nice bottle of something, like a really nice bottle. Yes. I have a bottle of like really nice avion we got at our wedding that I barely touch because it's just so nice. But that's like, you know what I mean? Because I'll never buy that for myself. Yeah. I think he drinks exclusively tecate, a local beer.

So imagine $100. $100 worth a tecate. Or you go 50-50. You get them 50 bucks with a tecate. You get them a nice little bag of weed. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Suddenly freaks a pig and shit.

The teacher plant. Yeah, teacher plant. Oh, yeah. teacher plant. If someone gave me a bag of teacher plant while I was living on the beach, I would be very happy. Also, if he's banging six, I guarantee Frank rolls his own. Just a nice big bag of loose leaf like drum tobacco.

I bet he'd be psyched about that. Smoking's back too. Oh, it's so punk rock now to smoke. It's so bad. Vaping's bad. It gives your popcorn lungs. Smoking, your lungs clear all that right out. God, yeah, have fun.

Yeah. And can we ask, can we get a picture? From this party of you guys with Frank that we can post on the website. Or video of a jam? Okay, we're about to see Frank jamming and I'm so excited. Thank God. Yeah, I'm nervous. Eric, just calm yourself down.

No, I can't. I might just get up everything. Eric's already on a leather. Oh, what a stud. Frank doesn't need anything. I just realized it. Yeah, no. Yeah, he's good.

He's got it. No. Are you kidding? I don't know if there's anything you could possibly get that man that he's, would use other than a ball of booze and a carton of sags and maybe god damn yeah frank's living his best life that's funny we're all like now like really like really me uh am i'm really questioning my life decisions because uh i am doing everything wrong what are we doing with our lives guys well we need to be down there with frank is a room on that beach is what i'm wondering you know

that's incredible head of hairy has the tan the bongos perfectly in tune the ladies uh i bet he He's got a catchphrase. Does he have a catchphrase? It's jamming. I mean, I hear all the time. That's it. I love to jam. The language of music.

God damn this guy. Let us take Frank Spirit with us today. Listeners, find a way to bring jamming into your life. Try to channel your inner Frank. And Carly, we want to thank you for introducing us to Frank. And we want to hear how you honor this great man who is my new guru. And I may see you down in Kabul before you know it. Oh, please.

And honestly, I think you helped us today. We're now going to be doing some soul searching and re-evaluation of our lifestyles. Mine is definitely being lived wrong. And I know that now. So thank you, Curley. Deeply appreciated. Can I just say real quick that Johnny's idea about the painting, what if we had a huge party and also invited a ton of people and had a canvas and we all just like paint the canvas

with our hands and our bodies? That's it. Oh my God, it's such a good idea. That's it. Yes. I love this. Get out of here. Oh, my God.

Oh, Charlie, that's perfect. That sounds really fun, actually. It really, I'm fucking stealing the idea. That is incredible. Yeah.

I dig it. You're helping us. You're helping Frank. You're helping yourself. Look at you. You're a gem of a human being. All right, Carly,

keep us updated. We want to see the picture. We want to see Frank. We want to see a video of all of you on your last night. He's going to love sticking his dick in that paint. Yeah, he is definitely going to stick his dick right in that paint. I mean, if I know Frank. Three o'clock in the morning, sticking that shriveled old hard on in the paint to sign his name at the bottom.

Right under a pair of tits. Okay, I'll have my husband stick his dick in first then. There you go. There you go. Don't lay Frank hanging. So to speak. So to speak. Thank you so much, Curly.

Bye, guys. We really help today. Johnny, you could not have been a better guest helper. You really spiked the ball there. We want to thank you so much for coming in. Thanks for having me. What do you want to promote? I know you got a ton of stuff coming out.

When does your damn one-man show come out? I know you're working on editing it, but the world needs to see it. TBD. TBD. TBD. Everybody watch you on Amazon on Fallout. It's on Fallout. It's on there.

And you can watch Mermaid on, Mermaid's on. Mermaid comes out May 26 everywhere. for her rental. I saw Mermaid. It's the best movie I've seen in the theater in forever. It is so incredibly good. Johnny carries a whole damn thing.

Also, I will say this, an incredible performance from Robert Patrick. Amazing. Very good. Incredible. But this movie, it is the kind of glorious movie

we need more of. It'll be on VOD starting May 26. Okay, everybody see Mermaid. Check in with us. There's a reason Johnny was our first guest. He's the best. and you will love Mermaid and everything else he's doing. Stop getting colonics if you are getting them.

All right. I'm done. Thanks, Johnny. I'm done. Thanks, y'all. Thank you. Bye, Johnny. Bye.

We're here to help. fellas, I just got to send you a little voice memo here. I'm listening to the show while I'm doing chores in the woods of eastern Nebraska, eating hogs that I raise in the woods. And I got a kick out. of the little speed bird and playing like a pig in the dirt getting ticks and I thought you guys would find it interesting

that pigs actually rarely get ticks. We raise pigs outdoors and I think one of the reason I'm watching the hog right now do it is they scratch on trees a lot so they often scratch them off. Usually the only times I find them

is they're in a real hidden spot or near their eyes So, yeah. Let's Steve Berg go hunt from Merle Mustkin. Come on. Love the show, though. Bye, bye. Weird Here to Help is hosted by Eric Edelstein and Steve Berg.

If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at weird here to help at gmail.com. That was a hate gum podcast. Hi, I am Mandy Moore. Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast. us now on Headgum. Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive from our show, This Is Us.

That's right. We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors. Are we going to cry? Yes. A little bit. Are we going to laugh? A lot.

A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify, new episodes every Tuesday.