Who Knows? Who Cares. - "I Wasn't Coached on Hot to Masturbate."

Episode Date: August 29, 2023

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This week on who knows who cares I didn't even know what sex was until I was like 13 or 14. I just acted like I did Literally I had no idea what it was I'm pretty sure the first time I saw a vagina was in health class 14 when they showed a freshman year I'm not kidding Carter. I it's not I'm not kidding, dude Yeah, he I ever watched I typed porn in on YouTube and something came up It was like Jordan and that's when when I jacked off the first time. And I didn't even know what jacking off was. I'm not even kidding.

I literally didn't know what I was doing, dude. It was just like calling me. You just grab it. Oh, that's so hard. And I'm just like, Oh my God,

this feels so good. It's crazy. Literally coached on how I wasn't coached on how to masturbate. My lady went and locked my door and I'm like, I don't know what's going to happen. But my first time I was with Garen at locked my door and I'm like, I don't know what's going to happen. My first time was with Garen at his house. I was like, dude, you're not going to believe this.

I just did it to where it feels really good. I just stopped touching it. I didn't know what just happened. Nothing came out, obviously, because we were like 12. I was like, holy shit. I thought I was going to pee. That's how you don't shit your pants, but you shit into your pants.

Okay, that's good. Don't lie. Yeah! What do you say to your bitch? I'm like, oh, are you wet right now? I didn't, I didn't. You know what Mo said? Here we go.

Are you fully bricked up after kissing? No, you're not. Not saying anything until the intro is good. And we're back. We're live. Episode 50-something. Feels good to be back. Back with the boys.

What do we normally start off with? You know, just talk about our weeks and stuff. This is the fourth intro we've taken. I'm not very good at this, I'm going to be honest. I think we let Bo do it, huh? Yeah, go ahead, Bo. We're not going to say anything until you have a flawless intro. If it's bad, just retake it.

Okay, all right, all right, all right. And we're back. Did I do it right episode 50 something now said we're gonna stop naming them um they told me to do the intro now they're putting me on the spot it's okay that's why they're quiet um but yeah we appreciate you guys for the support continual support and i'm fucking up see no and i'm nervous. Retake. Cut. Thank you. Thank you. We're going again. Okay, and we're back.

Okay, where do I go from here? What do we normally say? We're going to cut all that. We'll go back to the intro. Somebody else do this. I like that. I wanted to keep that in. I love that. I like that, too.

I'm not going to put me on the spot. I'm not good at these role plays. Weekend recap. There you go. Yeah, thank you. See, you guys are better at this. That's why I'm the third. Weekend.

I'm not the main focus of the show. I'm just here. I'm the friend that just. Recap, recap, recap. There you go. Yeah, recap. A little echo in there. So what happened?

What happened, guys? Nothing crazy for me. You know, golf as usual. Been struggling to get to the gym. We did one last week, right? No, two weeks ago. Was it two weeks ago or last week? Mm-hmm.

Two weeks ago. Because we couldn't match our days up last week. Okay, okay. So, yeah. I mean, you guys got one last week. I feel like nothing's happened to me in the past two weeks. Same. I feel the same way.

Literally nothing. Yeah. Nothing I could talk about at least. Yeah, me either. We're getting old. I had a lazy Sunday for the first time in a while like a real lazy Sunday those are the best

those are my Mondays through Thursdays he got one on Sunday this week yeah I was like did nothing all day did some things it feels so good you did one thing a bunch right that's not lazy though that's a lot of work yeah it is you were putting in work one thing a bunch, right? Yeah. Stuff. That's not lazy though.

That's a lot of work. Yeah, it is. You were putting in work. That's a lot of work, dude. Logan was fucking in case anybody was wondering. It's crazy.

It's all Logan does really if he's not working. If I'm not working, I'm just doing that. I'm working. You're working. Yeah, you're working. Nuts though?

Yeah. Still nuts, even though it's been, you know, a little bit of time. Pretty good. Still good, huh? That Still good huh That's good I'm happy for you man

My week's boring too I don't know if I'm trying to think There's nothing that comes to mind Just been working, golfing Bo got to golf twice this week It's not a bad life I live It's not a bad life I live Making money playing golf

In the gym pretty consistently not a bad life i live yeah making money playing golf in the gym pretty consistently what a good life bo yeah happy for you no bitches though so no bitches we used to have multiple i used to have multiple managers yeah they scattered huh scattered on like roaches i'll get them back i'll get them back no you won't i'll get them back all right who knows who cares breaking news i forgot about that all right this like just came out i think either yesterday or today but uh america's first gay president uh so according to some sources in 1982 uh bar, Barack Obama wrote a letter to his girlfriend that reflected on gay fantasies. The letter addressed homosexuality and unveiled his innermost fantasies involving same-sex encounters. I couldn't find the letter anywhere, so I don't know exactly what it said.

I could write one right now. I've heard a couple people commenting on that. I just thought it was kind of funny. What's so funny about that, Carter? There's a president that's writing back in 1982 there was same-sex fantasies that he was having.

There's supposed to be another president that was gay. Well, if you've ever done that, you're probably actually gay. Especially in the 80s, too. You've got to play around with it a little bit. You think so? How old was he? Was he in college in the 80s? Yeah. He was into it.

And he's probably still into it. It probably was a fantasy he got lived through. He grew up in the 70s, too. And the 70s spilling over to the 80s. Was it 82 is what you said? Oh, yeah, dude. Probably got a little bit of that out of him. A little bit of boy play?

You think he got it out of him, or you think it's still in him? Maybe the fantasy was tag teaming. Well, there's always that meme, right, that Michelle is a man. She does have kind of manly features, yeah. They find a really good back. Big Mike, that's what they call it big mic big mic yeah so maybe i mean that's a there's some truth to it it is what it is starting to line up it makes sense but i mean do you think that uh that makes you gay having the just like revealing those fantasies or like are you getting off to him i think this is fantasy dude i think if you're getting hard right to gay shit then you're probably gay no

they're wrong with that no i like i like the guys who say that they're not gay they're like no i just like it i'm not gay just like dick i'm not fucking gay no just like watching another man fuck another man I'll fuck a guy I'm not gay though what's that skater Ellis something

yeah he's gay he's like no I'm not gay I will fuck anything yeah he's so sick is he yeah

he has like a wife and everything and he's like yeah you know he's bi he was like one of the first bi skaters that ever came out he's not like but I'll just fuck dude

we'll fuck dudes together me and myaters that ever came out. He's not like, but I'll just fuck, dude. We'll fuck dudes together, me and my wife. That's what he says. That's sick. I don't know. That's nuts. Yeah, that's. That's a crazy concept. That guy gets whatever he wants.

Probably more than what he wants sometimes. I'm jealous of that. You could do it. I could, I just don't have it. Don't have the gene. Yeah, makes sense. All right. I don't know where else to go with that one. Yeah, I don't know, Carter. That gene. Yeah, makes sense. All right. I don't know where else to go with that one.

Yeah, I don't know, Carter. That's kind of more informational for me. But I never knew that. Me either. You never heard of that? You had a question, Andrew? Oh, I had something regarding body hair. Sure.

It fits in with Obama and stuff. Just how you guys feel about like body hair on women. And then also second half of how you think they see it on us. Because growing up, right? When I'm a teenager, I'm having sex. I'm bald. And now I think about it. Weird.

Looks like a baby's dick, right? Yeah. Hopefully a little bit bigger, you know, but. It does look bigger. Yeah. It's just, it's bald. And now if I were to ever see my bald meat right now i'd be like dude this is weird it's funny you talk about this i just bought a couple of vintage playboys and it's just bushy going through them and there was literally like

a bush like this tall off of 3d out of the page like off of the body so it's like a perfect like 1970s like like you know like how skinny everyone was of the body, so it's like a perfect, like, 1970s, like, you know, like how skinny everyone was, super lean. Right. And like,

so it's just like a perfect, like, everything, and then off of her in the sun is just her bush catching the sunlight. And like being lit up like a forest fire.

And I was just like, oh, I hate that. That makes me think of, like, the Halloween costumes where you have, like,

the chest hair that you stick on. Yeah. And that's just kind of, like, how it was. That's what it looked like. It costumes where you have like the chest hair that you stick on. Yeah. And that's just kind of like how it was. That's what it looked like. It was, you know, two, three inches. There's a couple different variations of bush, but some was like thick, thick bush,

but they never trimmed it since they were fucking 12. Then there was some, what was it? What made you go and buy some vintage Playboys? Well, I was just, I was going antiquing. So I went to the antique shops and I found a bunch of vintage Playboys. I was like, this would be cool for a living room. So I was like, I bought them.

For a parent's living room. Maybe kill yourself in front of them later or something. I don't know. If you wanted to come to it, you got to get Hustler. Oh, really? Yeah, Playboy is just like fucking a magazine. It's a tease? No, it's just a magazine basically

with like a couple nude. It's like Victoria's Secret. No, not the one. Sports Illustrated. It's like Sports Illustrated where there's like two or three pages of bikini models. But instead of that, it's just topless girls and a little bit of Bush. A little bit of Bush. A little bit of throwaway Bush.

Okay. I'm not a Bush guy. I don't like it. Yeah, I don't. I think that's the thing you were talking about. When you're young, you don't like it yeah i don't i think that's the like the thing you were talking about when you're young you don't like hair like i don't like hair on women right so you just assume they don't like hair on us right when you're young and that's kind of like because you don't understand how it works you're like well i don't want you to be hairy right

so that should mean that you don't want i'm gonna treat people i want to be treated exactly we're the god so that's what i would do too because i was having a lot of sex at that age so I had to keep myself nice and clean. I don't know a day you didn't have sex. Yeah. No I didn't have sex at that age

but I still kept it kept it clean which is good. Just in case. Just in case. You never knew. If I was going out you know a group of friends

and we're going to be like in a public setting with girls around I definitely was trimming up. This could be my day. 100%. And I got to be ready.

Just in case. Yeah. I think girls like men with body body hair maybe not like a fucking right i keep like a like a one a one to like a two one guard like all at all times yeah you know i i keep some some hair down there just but like it's a good presentation my go-to is the hair up here keep it trimmed and then i shave you know pretty much everything else. And I almost taper it down. I fade it in.

You do a fade. Yeah, it's like I fade it. So it's not just like a straight hair and then no hair. It's like a hair, a little bit of hair, a little bit more, a little bit less, and then no hair. When I was younger, I fucked around. It looks pretty good. Ball fade. I tried to do a little design when I was younger.

Shit was so funny. Tried to do a lighting bolt bolt. It just didn't work. It was so big. Because like my trimmer, you know, the blade is like an inch, maybe inch and a half. And it's just like a giant, it looked like a giant Z. So I had to fucking razor it all. I've never razored though. I razor my balls.

Yeah, razor the balls. And I do like base. I razored once like here and it was just the worst decision I ever made. You know what? Actually, so I've dated a girl with like, I've dated girls with like somewhat body hair. Like whether it be armpit hair or like they don't shave their legs like every single day. And like that doesn't really bother me. The prickliness doesn't bother me.

I don't want to see it though. What bothers me is girls who like who do shave their armpits and you see all the black dots coming in. That's what bothers me more than I do. You need to shave it every day or let it grow a little bit exactly one or the other but like when you're catching them and like like lacking it's like i'd rather see like actual just like a little bit of armpit hair than like prickles i don't know if i've ever seen a girl with armpit hair like that i've been with i haven't a couple of them i don't want them to the girls that he dates i can see that yeah you know no hair on the head all in the pit yeah i get it that's nice they fuck crazy though me and joe rogan are the same that way did you see that that shane gillis thing getting real close dude i don't i don't mind

i don't mind like just like natural body like if she has like like hairier forearms or like like a stomach. It's not shaved. That's fine. Whatever. Armpits are a little bit much for me. How do you feel about mustaches? Fuck no. I don't like that. I've kissed Logan before.

I don't want that again. What if it's just a light natural little... No. If it's natural then yeah. As long as she's not on performance enhancing. And then for flipping it, I still think at our age, maybe not Bo's age, you know, like the cougar age, but for our age, I still feel like there are some girls that are against hair. Literally none in my pool.

I haven't come into any. Don't know them maybe i'm wrong like the girls that are into me i think if i had no hair right what the fuck is like well that's that's the thing is they're into you because you're hairy you know but like i also think that's all you have you're hairy women are different than men they will like you if they like you it doesn't really matter because they like you it's if you have hair or not they're they might give you a little bit of shit it's just like what you just look at right there when you're you look down when you're talking about hairy you looking at my junk or logan's leg i'm looking at his his legs never

mind then yeah i could look at i'm looking at your junk now that you brought it up yeah does it see when you see it how do you see it hair wise one to ten ten being like what you think marty would be i think you keep it pretty clean like you keep yourself pretty well done up i would say you're saying lengthwise just like a one to ten i feel like what is the one ten scale of like how good it looks or how hairy it is like one being bald ten being i would say you're at like a five right in the middle not too hairy not not enough hair perfect yeah i think i don't know that it's perfect i think he's on the thicker side of hair it gets there of hair down i definitely get there i think like on the sides like you know it's like shaft and the balls are behind right

on the sides right here the crease yeah but that's out of control for him really that's a razor once a week at least good for you dude i hate it as soon as it starts to grow in it's just it catches on my underwear and it pulls and just not my favorite that's good do you like trim up your thighs too that like lead up to it or no i barely just like my inner thigh i do but you let your ass hair just go right no oh you've been trimming your ass too like like my gooch well you like you like ass play so you gotta keep it keep it clean. Got to chow down. It's only fair. Exactly. It's valid.

It's a coin toss. Who's getting it? You know, heads or tails. Nice, dude. I started trimming mine towards, you know, maybe, you know, maybe it'll come.

Maybe you should have done that early on. Yeah. Should have set a precedent early. Yeah, because if you don't do it, if you wait too long, there's always the opportunity, you know, like the offer you got.

By the end of the trip, by the end of the road, you don't have that offer. Yeah, I don't have the offer anymore. No, I don't want to. I don't need to impress you anymore. Yeah. Right. Right. Fuck.

You get it, dude. I get it. I've been there. I've been both sides. All right. Well. All right. What was the first sexual story you guys ever heard from a friend?

Remember how mind-blowing it was? I got it. I got that one in the fucking bag. So a guy, you guys know him, grew up in my neighborhood. Okay. Family, friends. Yep. Right?

Okay. He told me that he had sex with our neighbor and that they did they were doing anal and that they were like

she was they're like 11 right they're like 12 13 and like everything you kept she was like oh my god I just fucking

like just and I was like oh my I was just fucking rubbing your thighs so like I was just grabbing the fucking couch like oh my god

Are you serious You did all that crazy Oh my god And then Turns out Not that this couldn't have happened But like it definitely Didn't happen

It didn't happen It definitely didn't happen But then two She's a lesbian Like a full time lesbian Always has been And I was like Maybe that's what made her a lesbian

Right That's such a bad experience. Just because, you know, you're gay or lesbian doesn't mean that you didn't fuck someone who wasn't that at one point. But like, I was like, man, like, I fucking bought that shit for so long. Like. So you're like 23. Yeah, I guess. I probably hit me at like fucking 20.

Wait a second. That never happened. No way that happened. She's gay now. Wait, she was probably always gay. Eight to ten years of me believing it. And you were 12. Yeah.

That didn't happen, did it? You know what? 12 is crazy. That almost beats your record. I didn't even know about it. Right. I wasn't even on that level. Yeah.

You didn't know how good anal was. I was like nine or ten. Dude, I swear, I didn't even know about it. Right. I wasn't even on that level. Yeah. You know how good anal was. I was like 9 or 10. Dude, I swear, I didn't even know what sex was until I was like 13 or 14. I just acted like I did. Literally. I had no idea what it was. I'm pretty sure the first time I saw a vagina was in health class. 14.

When they showed a freshman year of high school. I'm not kidding, Carter. I'm not kidding, dude. Yeah, he knew. The first video I ever watched, I typed porn in on YouTube and something came up. It was like foreign. That's when I jacked

off the first time and I didn't even know what jacking off was. I'm not even kidding. I literally didn't know what I was doing, dude. It was just like calling me. You just grab it. It's so hard. I'm just like, oh my god, this feels so good. That's crazy that you weren't coached on how to masturbate. I wasn't coached on how to masturbate. I literally went and locked my door and I'm like, I don my God, this feels so good. That's crazy. Literally coached on how I wasn't coached on how to masturbate.

My lady went and locked my door and I'm like, I don't know what's going to happen. But my first time I was with Garen at his house and I was like, dude, you're not going to believe this. Like I just did it to where like, it feels really good. Like I just stopped touching it.

I didn't know what, what just happened. Nothing came out obviously. Cause we were like 12, but I was like, holy shit. Now you had already gone through puberty. I was like,

dude, I thought I was going to gonna pee i felt so crazy you had no idea and then after that that was just both could have told you every attachment every day on a famas though every day oh yeah call of duty up and down the list sex no idea sex no idea stopping power the first the first time like what story came to mind for me we were like i was like in first grade literally in first grade and there was like a rumor that these two kids had sex in first nobody knows what that is i had no idea what it is but somebody told me and i was spreading that shit around i was like did you know that like sex i had no idea what that was we're going around it's like recess by the end of recess

everybody knows could you imagine could you imagine like first grade bow yeah yeah i had no idea but at the end of the day the t like the teacher like hey there's something being talked about and this is not okay and whoever's talking about it and everybody just goes quiet. And I'm just looking around like, well, did they? Teacher, did they? And she was like, whoever, whoever's spreading that, who is it? And everybody's like looking around. A few people looked at me and I'm like, stop. I was so scared, dude.

I was such a good kid. I was like, don't tell, don't tell on me. Oh, dude, I was such a fucking good kid. I was so good. I was way too good. I remember we got caught like passing like origami notes, and I had to move my card to yellow You thought the world was ending that yellow card was well, I got I got a red card one time My parents never found out Found out about it

But my brother coerced me Into admitting it Because he was older But like all The cool You know the cool kids I think it was like kindergarten Or whatever it was

They're like And you're fucking five Thinking you're getting away with shit Like you're not getting away with it So we like snuck to the bathroom In the middle of class Which the teacher obviously knew She's like

We're missing three Yeah we're missing three kids She knocks on the door and the one one of the kids is like i'll take i'll take the fall just hide behind the door so she opens the door we're like hiding behind the door and she just comes in like i know you're in there we're like oh shit all right give us all a red card i don't know if they like you're kissing in there i don't know what we're doing i don't remember we're just i love the hero i remember we got it we got into the bathroom we're just like dude we made it we like slowly we're just

out of class i think there was a movie on and it was dark so we like all just like kind of like crawled away the door just closes but we're in i was in the car one day and my brother's like you ever got a red car i was like no of course not he's like dude oh you're not cool dude i used to get those all the time every day like okay i did he's like mom you know i've got a red car no stop that's fucking matt for me dude piece of shit like i was lying i was just trying to be cool we had these things called chopsticks in my class it was like a piece of paper that went one to ten and every time you got in trouble you had to rip off a block. If you got down to seven, once you get down to six,

you can't do Fun Friday anymore. Oh, no. And you remember the triplets we went to school with? Triplets? Yeah, I do. ABCs? The Martins?

Yo, I had triplets in my... No. No? I mean... It doesn't matter. Who? Courtney. Who? am i no no i mean it doesn't matter who courtney who oh yeah yeah yeah yeah stupid so me and her more we used yeah we used to flirt all the time

in first grade yeah i was a king you were just that guy all the time i was a king back then and we would go up and we we were finishing these books he's not joking i'm not i'm not i was the king okay when did that stop uh probably like sophomore year yeah middle school no not middle school yeah had your peak to middle school it's not true it's not true dude carter's sister in high school it's not true so It's not true, dude. I caught her sister in high school. It's not true. So anyway, we had like reading time, right? And there was a bunch of books in front of the class. Her and I would both finish our book every 30 seconds so we could just go up to the front and talk.

And she would talk so fucking loud. And obviously I'm funny as hell, so she would laugh really loud. And I got in trouble three times. So I had to get down to seven on my chopping stick and i thought my life was over because i thought i wasn't gonna be able to do fun friday you have to have your parents sign a slip there's this bad girl in the class that would always get a six and she would forge her parents signatures in second grade in second grade and she's like what that's my mom's signature and they're like it's literally like not even full letters

like you can't even write touching at the top it's ridiculous i learned cursive in third grade but i remember i was like my mom was like so how was school today and i was like fuck how does she know it's the same everyday question i just thought i was fucked bad i hate to get in trouble at school that's all i had that's the end of the story. You just want to talk about how cool he was in first grade. Yeah.

Yeah, I was. What was the first sexual story you ever heard? The story I heard is going to be from Garen, obviously. It was a girl we went to middle school and high school with.

She used to date... A? No, A. Okay. A city in date. No, A. Okay. City in Denver. Colorado. Or Colorado. Sorry.

Sorry. Wrong thing. Starts with an A. Aspen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Used to date like 18-year-olds in fucking middle school. Sixth grade. Literally.

Huge knockers, though. So she was 11. She was in sixth grade. Oh, you are 11. He's literally picking her up from middle school in his car. It's so fucking weird. But he would be like, dude, this girl's getting blown out. And Garen's friends with this girl, and he's like, yeah, listens to what she does.

And it's like, oh, she puts his wiener in her mouth and, you know, he grabs her boobs. And I'm just like, dude, no way. Her boobs are so big. No way anybody could grab those. He's doing that? Dude, and me and Garen are just like, just salivating as he's retelling me these stories. And all I'm thinking is like, damn, I've got to get older quick. Because obviously that was the play, right?

She wants a real man at 12. And me being a year younger than her, that's never going to happen. Oh, my God. I just remember just thinking, man, I'll never make it. I'll never be old enough for them. That was my first story that I ever heard. And after that, and then I would say within a couple weeks. Like a therapist.

Like my therapist? Could you imagine listening to that? Dude, I just never thought I was going to be good enough. I never thought it would happen. He's already blowing her back out. Me? No. I'm playing TuneTown.

He's grabbing her boobs. Both boobs in both hands. Not me. I know. The thing is I remember that same feeling where you're just like, they're having sex in the tunnel right now. I know. Like in 30 minutes they're going to go have sex in the tunnel.

I got to sharpen my pencils for class tomorrow. And they're going to go have sex in a park. park with people watching because we all want to see it too i remember that was gonna be mine i think this is probably the same girl when you told me about that when people went and watched them have sex in the park or whatever wait that's real that happened there's a public park right next to our middle school it's like seventh and eighth graders somebody showed up right and they both had to like run out of the tunnel butt naked or Wait, that's real? That happened? There's a public park right next to our middle school? It's like 7th and 8th graders. Somebody showed up, right, and they both had to run out of the tunnel butt naked or something like that. Like a teacher.

Remember that? Somebody. Yeah. Word gets around fast. We have little bows at our school, too. They're going to have sex tonight in the tunnel. Man. All right. What percentage of success would it take you guys to agree to basically try and go living on another planet?

So like the mission of Mars or whatever, SpaceX. Like what would the percentage be for you guys to want to do that? At this age? Yeah, right now, what would it be? What would I? Zero. No, yeah. I don't know if i want to do it oh i thought you were saying say a hundred percent or would you just not want to do i just wouldn't want to do it either way no i would want to just not right now i don't want to up and

leave i have it pretty good right now i would say like it's just not it's not worth it i like my life right now so i don't want to just up and leave. I'd probably do 80. I've been to like two countries. You're saying 80%? If you were given an 80% likelihood that it would work out? Yeah. Now, what does work out mean? You just won't die? No, like you go and you successfully live there.

You die on Mars, but you die when you're 95 years old or whatever. I don't know. I've been at a point in my life where I'm just enjoying my time with my friends. Yeah. Unless all the boys went. That's what I't know. I've been at a point in my life where I'm just enjoying my time with my friends. Yeah. Unless all the boys went and we're like, Oh, fuck it. Let's all go to Mars. My whole life would have to be there for that to work.

You start a new life. Nah. Nah. With aliens. You're not going to be able to golf. No fishing. Says who? No golf.

The grab. I mean, maybe you drive in like 900 yard drives. Have fun at your shitty course. That's a good point. Trying to touch 300. I've touched 300 touch 400 i'm gonna hit from my planet to the moon wait it's a par three mars has more gravity though right

uh i think it's slightly less i thought i don't know i don't know jamie pull that up i don't know no i definitely wouldn't do it like at all for for nothing but there's just no just wouldn't do it if i for nothing. There's just no... I just wouldn't do it. If I was older, I would definitely do it, and I would take a low probability of it working out. I think, yeah. If I'm like 60 plus, I roll like a 50-50.

Yeah. If I was 60 plus, I think I'd take 25-75. 70. I got to be like... 25% chance. I got to be so old that I can't do anything I want to do anymore, so I'm like, fuck it. Fuck it.

Let's go. Let's gravity be so good on the joints. Mars has 38% of the Earth's gravity. Oh, okay. Hell yeah. I'm golfing my ass off. No water. Yeah, imagine how good your joints would feel.

That's what I'm saying. No impact. You'd probably live longer. You could finally dunk on Mars. I could dunk. I just haven't tried. You'd get super small, though. Maybe.

You'd just do way more weight. You'd atrophy. No. What happens when you go to the moon and you're in space? That's all fake. Nobody's ever been there. Why would you get smaller? Because gravity is not constantly pulling down on you.

Yeah. You'd need that to keep your bones strong. Oh, really? Yeah. It's like if you let it be the opposite because it's not pulling down. No. That doesn't make any sense, Carter. I figured five pounds would be

more than ten. That doesn't make any sense. That was terrible. That sounds just like Carter. Let me break this down. Let me break this down for you. Don't believe that. 180 pounds on Earth, right?

Now on Mars, you're 38% of that. That's not what you said. Yes. Carter is saying that there's less gravity, so you think that you would be not smaller. I don't understand what you're saying. Because there's less weight. He's making less sense as he goes.

It makes so much sense in my head. You're digging yourself a deeper grave. It makes so much sense. No, never. They'll get it. It doesn't feel good. They'll understand. I know.

It's okay, dude. It does not feel good. I've realized that you guys are just too dumb to understand. That's all it is. That's what it is. Five pounds is... Five pounds is less than ten pounds.

I said more. A pound of feathers is... I said five is more than ten because that's Carter's thinking. That was good. Thank you. Thank you. I hope you guys get sick.

What kind of sick? Really sick. That's rude. All right. Polio. Hope you guys get fucking polio. I guess who's not taking care of you? Me.

Never. You're the last person I'd want taking care of me. Yeah, me too. Good. The last person. person good i'd lock your wheels up i'd pee on you too i'd hate him even more than i do now he'd be terrible andrew you had some role plays you want us to oh no you guys want to do a role play no this one's good okay i can if you guys just want to be one side i? No. This one's good, okay? If you guys just want to be one side, I'll be the other side.

I like that. No, he wants to be the other side. You would have had me, dude. I'm so easy. God, I hate that. All right, we'll alternate then, okay? I hate that. So the scenario is, right, I am your blue-collar drunk father you guys just got home from your first date with the girl that you've been talking about for weeks

and you're trying to tell me about it we're both we both well we'll go one at a time or we can alternate since i can't be the dad all the time. Okay. You want to go first? Yeah? Yeah, I'll go. Okay. So let's say I'm your dad. Okay. I'm on the couch, right?

I got my drink. You just come in the door. Are you abusive? If you get me there. Do I know that about you? I've got a... You got a short... I've got a tolerance, but it's little. All right. Yeah. Hey hey what's up dad hey how's your day going well i worked so yeah uh yeah i just got home from my date um i met a cool girl she's she's pretty cool do you fuck her

i don't know it I was like, no. No, of course not. No, we're just... We just went to the movies and like... So you got scammed? No, no. You didn't fuck her? No, we had like a good time. It was cool.

Like, she was a really cool girl. I'm excited to like see her more. She's cool. Yeah. You think your mother's cool? That's right. You don't know her. No, I don't. she's not that cool is she

no i guess not okay but i mean jessica's different i think she's gonna be like she's not like mom i don't think i didn't really meet mom though yeah she'd be a nurse yeah she's gonna be a nurse how'd you know that all the good ones are yeah your to be a nurse. How'd you know that? All the good ones are. Yeah. Your mom was a nurse. Oh. She left me. Your mom left me. I know. She left us, Dad.

Yeah. She left us. It wasn't your fault. You don't think so? No. But I think you're really going to like Jessica. Yeah. Do you want to have her over for dinner this week?

You going to fuck her? Yeah, Dad. I'll have her over for dinner this week? Are you going to fuck her? Yeah, Dad, I'll fuck her. All right. Yeah, she can come over. All right. Love you, son. Love you. Thanks.

You were getting emotional there. I tried to make myself cry so bad. I was so close. You were getting really... I know that was touching, like, really close to home for you. Dude, it was so... This is a super therapeutic episode, I think. You're getting a lot out. that was touching, like really close to home for you. Dude, it was so. This is a super therapeutic episode, I think. You're getting a lot out.

I was so close to crying. I really was. You're getting a lot out. You were excited about that. Yeah. How do you think I handled like being. You handled that so much better. That was terrible.

You didn't do a very good job. I'm going to be honest. You could have went way, way deeper into that. I was trying to play a really bad father. I feel like I hit that on the head. You weren't even drunk. You could have sounded drunk and maybe taken some abuse out on him. Why?

I vented. You know, I trauma dumped on my son. Trauma dumped on your son. Yes. So I'm drunk. Yes. It's multi-level. Both brain is.

It doesn't have to be physical. It could be I'm putting right you have to live with that now baggage on you right I see you have to tell your dad

it's not his fault that the mom left right I have to talk my dad down it's like I'm looking after my dad right and that's a bad spot to be at

you're a teenager thanks dude that was deep that was deep thanks dude that was good alright you guys go you wanna be the

the dad now and Bo will talk to you yeah we give it a shot yeah let's try it out let's try it out I didn't like how the first one went nah I'm sorry about that

cut that out I'm sorry about that I got you here Bo okay I thought I thought you were gonna you were gonna try and fuck her I thought you were going to try and fuck her. I thought you were going to take it that direction.

If he said, like, oh, she's outside. Bring her in. I already just took my own fucking thing. It's all right. I got it. We can pretend. You guys can both be my dad. I'll have two dads.

No. Yeah, I'll have two dads No Yeah let's I'll have two dads Hey dad What's up man What Nothing What's up with you Trying to get this

Fucking TV going You know I had the The date I just got back from Awesome buddy It went really well I really like her What's his name Fucking homo Awesome, buddy. It went really well. I really like her. What's his name?

Fucking homo. Jessica is her name. Yeah, I'm sure. What did you guys do, huh? What did you get into? We went miniature golfing. All right. You don't want to hear about it?

We kissed. Yeah? Yeah, on the lips. That's cool, man. It was really fun. Did you get anything else for me? Anything at all? I mean, we hugged, too.

Jesus Christ, buddy. So listen, I think it's time we have a talk. Okay, Dad. Is it about Mom? It's not about your mom mom Your mom's dead to us Alright? Okay Don't talk about mom anymore

Alright I'm sorry Don't fucking talk about mom anymore Alright? Okay I'm sorry I know I know I get it I get it

I just I miss her My buddy Don't You don't miss mom? I miss Alright I really miss her dad

shut the fuck up women are nothing I like Jessica though she reminds me of mom get the fuck out of my sight I don't want to talk to you anymore hey can you order us pizzas what's

what's sex dad and scene I didn't know my son was 12 What's sex, dad? And scene. I didn't know my son was 12. I thought I was supposed to be a kid. You're supposed to be a 16-year-old, bro. Oh, I'm 16? Yeah, kids aren't dating.

Oh, shit. I thought I was going to date by yourself. I was thinking first grade Andy right there. You would have had more than one at the house. You or me. That was better. I like that one a lot. You were way better. I like that one a lot.

That was so much better. You were more emotional. I was really just kind of locked into the character. Yeah. If you gave me a little bit to think about it, I could really take it to other spots, you know. I thought you were going to start leaning to your son. He's mini golfing.

Dude, you're such a fucking pussy. When are you going to grow the fuck up? That's what I thought you were going to go. See, if I would have just you in my ear, dude. I wanted to chime in.

I've seen cut. Call him pussy. Call him pussy. That would have been good. Kill him. Yeah, we should have done that. You guys don't love this one, huh? No.

All right. Whatever. If you guys like Andrew's role plays, let us know. Let me know. We'll keep coming at you guys with them, but that's it for this week's episode. Check out the toe Patreon. Check out the foot Patreon. Thanks for tuning in this week.

We'll see you guys later. That would have been so good. Such a fucking pussy. Really? Mini golf? Fucking.