Wonderful! - Ep. 52: Periodic Table of Genital Possibilities

Episode Date: January 3, 2017

AW HELL YEAH. It's a new season of The Bachelor, and to celebrate, we've joined forces with the Maximum Fun network. Welcome to our new listeners! Just a heads up: We don't usually talk about the elemental composition of vaginas as much as we do in this one. It's a very special occasion. MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. I'm the Bachelorette and I'm rapping to your poolside. Here to find true love, one man for my whole life. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. And this is Rosebuddies.

A new era, 2.0, the game has changed it's a podcast where we talk about the bachelor bachelorette and other reality dating shows it's important that we mention that at the top because there's probably some new folks listening no time for no time for goofing around at the top of this one with me doing this whole routine about how the game has changed we have 2.0 unrecognizable we have changed commercial sellout we are new members of the maximum fun network hi max fun network um if you are a rose buddies listener who doesn't know what the max fun network is you don't exist you're a fictional creation i'm betting you probably do maximum fun is an awesome community of podcasts that i have been a member of for a really long time uh my brother my

brother and me the first podcast i started doing uh joined the network in what 2010 i want to say that sounds right to me um so and and they're they're so supportive um they help uh us make money on the podcast that we do uh which we've been doing rose buddies for a year now and we've i think we realized we started to reach a point where we're putting enough work into it that um it would be cool if we if we could be supported by it yeah well yeah and plus it's such a great community like it's it feels yes the max fun community is absolutely incredible it legitimizes what we do to be part of max fun uh max fun does uh these big events called max fun con two times a year on the west coast and the east coast and we've been to both of them a few times and it is like a big and awesome

party uh where we get to meet everybody who listens to both of them a few times and it is like a big and awesome party where we get to meet everybody who listens to our shows and interact with them and have a good time um so thank thank you jesse and everyone at max fun for for bringing us on yeah and for being so supportive of our whole family for so very very long so if you're a new listener we watch the bachelor and we watch the bachelorette and then we watch Bachelor in Paradise. And then sometimes none of those shows are on the air. And we watch The Canadian Bachelorette and we watch Terrace House and we watch Please Marry My Boy. And we watch, what else do we?

Are You the One. Are You the One. Oh, we did a whole Are You the One arc. So mostly this is a podcast about The Bachelor family of products. But sometimes it's not on the air and we drop back we watch other shows where people kiss for money but we are fortunate in that a new season the bachelor starting i apologize for just the sound effects you're getting from my rude son henry um usually we record when he is sleeping he does not he's actually boycotting sleep it's a weird thing seem to want to sleep um so i'm just holding them right up against the mic isn't that right bud worthless oh there he goes there he goes um so we're gonna record for probably five minute increments and then i'll have to walk around with him while he poops into my

hand and then we're we're gonna keep going uh so yes a new season of the bachelor has started it aired last night um nick vile nick vile we've pronounced his name probably wrong every time we tried to say it but that's okay he's been on bachelorette twice fucked up there a couple times didn't quite didn't quite swing it well it depends what your measure of success is because he did make it to like the final three or whatever yeah that's true final two both times yeah um he was the runner-up both times uh but second place is first loser although some of the winners also lost if you really think about it in the grand scheme of things and then and you'll hear about this a lot uh he came back

bachelor in paradise as alumni or want to do yes and got a very good edit and everybody has talked about it as his redemption story yes and it edit and everybody has talked about it as his redemption story yes and it's weird because we talked about it like that like wow this boy's getting a really really good edit and now and now you're seeing other contestants from the show say like hey nick you really you really endear yourself to america they definitely didn't make you seem like a complete skeezoid yeah uh which is really cool for you they're also trying to sell that that it was equal in his chance at love but it was very much not no everyone's saying oh fourth time's a charm because the three times before you were so close but bachelor in paradise is more

about finding a lady to have fun with on the beach. And another weird thing they're pushing for this season is, will Nick be the first bachelor rejected at the altar? Well, not at the altar, but... Is he so unlovable? If you've never watched the show before, and this is your first episode of Rose Buddies, hi, hello! Thank you for joining us. At the end of this season, a man is going to propose to a woman,

and they will form a sacred union. And the woman always says yes right like that would be crazy for them to make it through the whole season and then at the end the gentleman or gentlewoman gets down on one knee and is like will you marry me and they say nah got you pranked you this whole season but that's what they're pushing like this lovesick man will never know happiness is there something biologically wrong with nick that makes him cosmically cosmically all women with nick is nick the puppet of cruel fates um so yeah that's another weird thing they're kind of pushing but there was a two-part surprise a two-part premiere

i swear to god the first part they just like at 4pm day of, like, what if we did another Bachelor episode today and didn't tell anybody? We have all this footage. Let's just do two nights. Yeah, so typically the show is on Monday night, but sometimes they throw in an extra night. And that's what happened this week. Sunday night was the, quote, Countdown to Nick special. Which I guess New Year, like it's a New Year's. Otherwise, Nick's not a number, you know?

Five, four, three, two, Nick! You know what they should have done is, like, in the Nick of Time. In the Nick of Time is another great one, babe. Or the Nick, and then he would do surgery in the early 1900s. And he would just, like, cut people up and they'd die. Or Nick at Night. Nick at Night. And it'd be a

black and white TV show. Or New York Knicks! And he could play basketball on the basketball court against the other basketball or saint nick saint nicholas and then you bring presents to little boys and girls oh or he steals the presents or he doesn't get presents that would be that would be nick's cruel fate or nick nolte nick nolte is another famous Nick. Thank you, babe. You're welcome. So Countdown to Nick was pretty insubstantial, I would say. Yeah, we watched it because, one, we're good journalists. Yes. We wanted all the information that is fit to print.

But also, it gives a little teaser as to some of the contestants. And then you get lots of updates on the alumni as if the Bloids aren't already doing that for you. Yeah, and this podcast doing the hard work that the bloids aren't already doing that for you yeah and this podcast doing the hard work that the bloids are afraid to do um here's the thing about nick that i think is really interesting and i don't know if he's going to be a good batch or not but i will say like this show has become so recursive and so like into bachelor nation as a concept that like it'll be interesting now that we have this bachelor who is a three-time alumni with like all of these built-in in jokes and like a built-in canon and

a bill because everything they say about him in that intro to nick where they were like talking about how he's on the bachelorette a couple times and how he's on bachelor in paradise was done with this like joking like this guy just can't get it right and we've never known this much about a bachelor or bachelorette coming in bachelors and bachelorettes are pulled from the cast of the previous season uh usually like third runner-up or something like yeah usually they spend a lot of time like showing them you know doing their job and going for long runs yeah but with nick we got a few photos a few choice photos of him yeah um and it was mostly just alumni saying like good luck this time nick fourth time's a charm which i guess is the tagline

of the season um but yeah i thought that's interesting like we know a lot about this about this dude yeah we didn't like way more than we knew about the axeman ben higgins um and and like anybody else who's ever been on the show. So I think they have a big opportunity here. But like the way they're branding it is like, look at this fuck boy. Yeah, it made me feel a little bad for Nick, I'm going to be honest.

Because the whole thing is like, him being a failure over and over again. And maybe he'll fail again this time, America. But every time he fails, he gets another fucking season of television out of it. I think this is his last one, right? No way. You think he's going to keep coming back?

I think he can juice one more. Are you kidding me? I think if he shoots, if he gets shot down, that would be the juiciest, right? That's the dream for everybody involved with this project. He gets shot down at the altar, and then he comes back. And then the next season can be like, last raw eyed starring nick vile uh he just

can't somebody please help this man somebody please put this man out of his misery uh so yeah so the countdown to nick special we took some notes it would mainly served as a stable for our lady picks. Yes. We got to see a little tease of some of the women that we think are going to be favorites. Favorites is a... Okay, well, for those that aren't familiar with our Fantasy League, you get points for... Bad behavior, good behavior. Yeah.

Really, just behavior. Anything that gets you more airtime gets you more points in our fantasy league. For the most part. So we identified Corinne. Corinne is a big player. As a pick of the week. If you can get her on the team, more power to you. Don't get me wrong.

She's going to be pretty rotten to watch, I think, for the most part. Probably a lot of problematic, troublesome behaviors. Yeah. So we mentioned Corinne on our last episode as a small business owner. She works with her family and lives with her family. In Miami. And... So many things about Corinne.

Where to start? A lot of things about Corinne. So we know a little about Corinne pre-show. And then we get some teases of Corinne during show. Yes. She says some things. This is fun. This will be like a first, like, you know how we have, like, recurring game segments on it?

Just go with it. We have new listeners. We have, like, recurring game segments. And it's, like, fun trivia. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, like, little puzzles, little brain teasers. And then the What's That Noise? What's That Noise is a fun game that we play all the time.

So here's the first one of these for the new season of 2017, and it's a spelling test. Boom, boom. It's exciting music. Rachel McElroy. Okay. Spell for me to win the world championship of adult spelling, Vagine. Vagine. V-A-G-I-N-E.

See, that to me seems more like Vagine. How would you spell it? Oh, E-E-N? I think E-E-N, and I think with a J. How would you spell it? Oh, E-E-N? I think E-E-N, and I think with a J. So the reason we're spelling this,

one of the teasers we get from her this season is that she is going to seduce Nick. Yes, going to... And she's very confident in her, quote, sex abilities. I have great sex abilities, and I'm going to show them to Nicholas tonight. But part of her confidence comes from the fact that she says that um do you remember the exact quote she's uh her heart is gold but her vagine is platinum yes and using like the

everquest currency exchange rate that's like a thousand pieces of gold so her vagina is a thousand times better than her heart is. Did you say vagina? I might have. She's poisoned the well for me a little bit, vaginally speaking. So yeah, so we think Corinne's going to be a big pick. Of course she is. Are you kidding me?

Because she said her vagine is platinum. Another reason is that when we're getting this package on who she is and where she comes from, shows her doing some work for her business. What's her business? What's her family's Miami-based secret definite mafia drug dealing business? We don't know, do we? Are you asking me to speculate? I feel like I was leading the question a little bit.

Definitely drug dealing, like Scarface fucking Havana Nights. I think that was a dirty dancing movie, but you know what I'm talking about. We get footage of her sitting on a balcony on a laptop. And a woman comes out that could be her assistant. We don't know. But she's described as an adult nanny. Yeah. Which is, I mean, the wildest and wettest thing I've heard in a very long time.

Adults don't have, this is my adult au pair. It's your what? It's my, this is my adult babysitter for me. We get a demonstration of what an adult nanny might do when Corinne asks for a cucumber snack. And the adult nanny brings out a bowl of what just appears to be sliced cucumber so this is like i don't want to which i guess corinne has never used a knife before i've never had a a baby nanny or a any sort of um service person to help me out this is a maid right like she's just uncomfortable with saying the word maid, and so she says, I have an adult. Yeah, or assistant. Somebody who waits on you and brings you food and stuff

because you're paying them to do so. They're no longer your primary caregiver. This is my nanny? What are you saying? What is this, like, crazy sound of music, like? Yeah, unless this woman, like, puts her to bed at night, I don't really understand how she's a nanny. Although I'm thinking about it. That'd be pretty sick wasn't it oh yeah i mean for henry or for us yeah i mean i like i don't think i the idea of having like a some sort of maid or or somebody to like help out on the house makes me like kind of uncomfortable um for a lot of reasons but if that person also was in charge of like you know stroking my hair while i went to bed at night and yeah you know what i mean like singing

me a sweet song i mean i wouldn't feel comfortable with that as your wife get it too you'd get that you would also get you know whatever you like that gets you down you know what i mean somebody bring rachel here's your cucumber snack baby i love you and she kissed you on the forehead no i don't like it she would smell like lavender i don't like it oh boy it's my adult nanny i don't like it i mean more power to corinne and her very successful business that allows her to have an assistant that she calls a nanny i think maybe that's it once you reach a certain amount of money once money, the billionaires that are secretly pulling the strings, they all have adult nannies. Yeah, so she's being set up as the villain of this season.

A platinum vagine. We've got to dive into this. You want to know about the characteristics? It would not be good. It would be like of all of the of all the periodic table of elements i think platinum would actually be pretty low on the list all right this begs the question then driven what element tricky right tricky right i mean that's the good thing about about vaginas is there's multiple elements sort of interacting in there, forming different compounds to create the stuff that happens.

Like you wouldn't want oxygen, right? No noble gases at all, I think. Lead would be dangerous. Yeah. Plutonium. No, also dangerous. Yeah, but like feels super good. yeah but like feels good super good there's got to be some sort of not what's the word non-newtonian fluid that's like the you know

the ferrofluid like the magnetic fluid that just like you see the facebook videos and like put a magnet in this weird creepy black fluid and it forms all these fun shapes and you see it and you just think i would love to party down on that like mercury mercury would kill you basically really fast but uh what a way to go right i mean or you become a superhero that would be a weird super marvel has lost their fucking minds on these netflix specials have you seen quicksilver ding dong i have seenilver Ding Dong. What's his power? He died from mercury poisoning. Boy, what a thing to say, though. People will just say that. Bachelor contestants say the darndest things, don't they?

That's our other segment. Yeah, that's our new segment. Who else can we talk about? We really liked Haley, mainly because Haley has a little segment in the Canadian woods with our boy Daniel. Daniel shows up and he's like, hey, what's up? It's your boy Daniel. Remember me? You loved me in Bachelor in Paradise. Anyway, if it doesn't work out on this TV show, I'll hook up with you.

And Haley's like, oh, Daniel. Daniel is a bachelorette, bachelorette, alumni. And Bachelor in Paradise. way if it doesn't work out on this tv show i'll hook up with you and haley's like oh daniel daniel is a bachelorette bachelorette alumni and bachelor in paradise who really who really knows his brand and his brand is saying crazy shit yeah he's a complete nut job um so he talks a lot about eagles when he sits down with haley uh and it just begs the question why aren't him and haley getting together or him and he's why doesn't he hasn't he settled down with a nice uh and it just begs the question why aren't him and hayley getting together or him and he's why doesn't he hasn't he settled down with a nice canadian girlfriend yet i know do you think people who live in canada when they say i have a canadian girlfriend people are still like

sure um daniel was a nut job and sort of a secondary if not tertiary villain in his season of the bachelorette but then in bachelor in paradise he revealed his true soft boy colors yeah and and now he's and now he's a franchise regular i love it i wouldn't be surprised if he's on bachelor in paradise again pretty much all the franchise regulars we saw in this little special were on this last season of bachelor in paradise this last season of bachelor in paradise like established some fucking brands dog um not much else happened though well we see kristin who is uh the wedding videographer that we thought for sure was going to get a video package little did we know little did we know the focus was not on her as a wedding videographer but her on um her faith-based virginity yes which is a turn of phrase i've never heard before oh my virgin my this virginity

it is faith-based as opposed to what like smell-based i have a platinum vagina so of course i'm still a virgin is a weird like man in the iron mask situation down there hey griffin it's time for what's that smell no babe gross i don't want to play this smell is virginity i don't want to play it now. The smell is virginity. I don't want to dive into this with you. It's some people's first episode. We got to tone it down. In the next episode, we can talk about all the metallic vaginas and virginity scents that we...

The Virgin is a notable type on Bachelor and Bachelorette. Just in that they bring it in full force. Because the show is so sexual in nature. They bring it in full force. Rarely does the Bachelor or Bachelorette, well, no, it's the Bachelor. Has there ever been a boy verge? Well, it depends if you count Sean, who was born again. That's nothing.

Sean came and said, I am not going to have sex until i am married it is a new decision i have made uh and as far as we know he he held it up okay well i'm well i'm born again 21 years old if that's how we're doing things uh the last person i want to talk about is liz so liz you find out in this countdown to Nick special knows Nick and knows Nick because she was Jade's maid of honor in the Jade Tanner wedding that was featured on ABC last year uh and she alludes to hooking up with Nick the night of the wedding weirdly like she kind of dances around it and then like in the actual episode itself is like, we did fuck. So handle it. So that's an exciting heat to bring.

It's an exciting. There's a lot of exciting heats with all of these contestants. And then we get a season long super tease. We see some familiar stuff. We see the slap. We see a lot of Rachel, who I like a lot after this first episode. Rachel is the attorney. From Dallas, I believe.

Yeah, from Dallas. And we see, jamie is that the new orleans chef yes um mentions that she tells uh she tells nick that she had a girlfriend once and i guess nick like nick was cool maybe not once like multiple i don't i don't it is left sort of unclear um uh but she she mentions it, and Nick is like, it's cool. So we don't know, like... If that's gonna be a significant thing or not. No.

But, so, like, there's some stuff going on in this, and then, of course, it hits that, like, will he be jilted at the, not altar,

final rose thing at the proposal zone. The final rose thing. But, yeah, that was the, and then we get a full thing about all the uh how all the alumni with babies are doing and all i gotta say carly and what's your evan carly and evan are

doing so good this this if you watched bip this last season you know their tumultuous start uh in paradise but they're so great and carly talks about evan's got three kids that she's sort of um uh coming coming to be like a member of the family and like a a matronly figure for not matron the mother figure you know and she's just like it feels like they're my kids and it's like carly i feel like your kid she says i feel like i found my family i feel like you're my adult nanny carly thank you so much for everything you do uh should we get to where the fuck is carly and jade's spinoff that's all that i want that is all that i want in my life right now we tried to watch lauren and ben's freeform tv show for about like 16 seconds

happily ever after happily ever after it wasn't for me because this shit starts with an like this tense in media res intro of them going on the most recent after the final rose. Where Chris Harrison checks up with them. And this season starts with this in-media res, them backstage having this fight. And it's like, I told you I hate doing stuff like this. I can't believe you dragged me into something like this. And Ben's like, you said you liked doing this. This stuff is important to me.

And then they walk out on stage. And then time fucking rewinds. And it's like seven months earlier. And it's like, no, I can't. I don't want to go here with you. Yeah, I, I do not think America really wants to know what happens to these couples in real time after the episodes over. There's a thing about the Axeman. I want to see the Axeman do one thing. Ax. And it's this really, really uncomfortable... Babe, is that the hummus we're getting? Yeah, hummus. Go.

No, stop it. Sabra? What even is... Stop it. Go home. Although I will say that I would love to spend some more time with Caitlin and Sean because those two...

There's something going on there. There's something strange there. There's something strange going on there because they're both like, they both look different. Not bad. Just like, I didn't recognize them. And their whole feature on Countdown to Nick was, we're still engaged. We might stay engaged. We saw her and, not Des, Andy, who came on Jimmy Kimmel, which I'm thinking they might start treating like the after show.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if they're still going to do it after the final, or not final rose, not final rose. But, like, Caitlin was talking about how, oh, you owe me money, Jimmy Kimmel, because you made me a bet that me and Sean wouldn't be together, and we still are. And it's like, it's a whole thing. It's a bummer. And she was also doing this right next to Andy who like her and Josh wicked didn't work out. Yeah.

It was real uncomfy to watch. Yeah. But her whole thing was like, oh, we're still really happy and we're definitely going to get married and we haven't yet, but we're real serious. Okay. Haters keep hating. We're happy.

I don't hate it. I just don't anything it. Yeah right let's let's talk about let's get into the episode the premiere of the bachelor starting off with the most gratuitous gooch shot i have ever seen on television in my life gang i am not kidding if you don't watch this show you missed out on the most gratuitous underball i have ever seen in my whole life there was a black box though there was a black box but like you saw the black box was basically perfectly goot shaped it was a little we get a lot of him working out we get some nick running around this is typical the bachelor package is always one of fitness. It is always showing how desirable this man is.

Healthy, beautiful bodies. He is doing some running. He's doing some flexing. Doing a lot of sweating, glistening. So much glistening. And what we get that's unusual this time is him getting into the shower and the camera is on the floor and it is looking up as he disrobes uh in in what griffin fondly calls the gooch region um i don't call him that the american medical association journal of anatomy calls it that so hey and shout out to

justin and sydney if you're listening let's do a sawbones episode on the gooch a lot of health related gooch things that people don't really understand um we also get a lot uh we get let's talk about nick let's get real and talk about nick for a second um he i don't know dog he's the first thing we see of Nick is him saying, Hello, I'm Nick. And then the mouth is so small. Oh, this is a fun game that I wish I could play. I wish I was there to play a new game,

which is try to fit a raisin in his mouth as he talks. Because he's just, Hello, I'm Nick, and I'm the Bachelor. I'm the Bachelor. I'm the Bachelor. And it's like, Stop trying to be so fucking cute all the time you raisin mouthed man that's always been nick's mo is is kind of this little brother like oh ain't

i a stinker i see i feel like it hasn't always been his mo i feel like it is a new and i feel like it's his like bachelor identity is like the sad man who nobody loves and also this very small mouth. And who me? It's weird to watch. So we also get to see him take some abuse. They set him up at like a little consultation booth in Chicago, we're assuming, which is where he lives. And he just takes some flack. He just gets dunked on for like 45 minutes a bunch of supposed fans of the show come up to the booth and share their opinions of him say hey i thought

you're a real shithead until you got that good edit in bachelor in paradise my friends all think you're disgusting but i'm i'm holding out hope that maybe you'll be okay i think because he he was he was entertaining in bachelor in paradise but oh my God, this intro left a sour taste in my mouth because it was just very much like, I'm the Bachelor. I'm not competing this time. I am the one they're competing for because I'm Nick the Bachelor. It's weird to say. We also get a little visit with Chris and Sean and Ben. visit with chris and sean and ben shout out to whitney winner of chris soul season of the bachelor for the hot tweet which is like why the fuck is chris here to give advice to anybody at

least with ben and sean we can assume that they are in successful relationships we know that chris and whitney broke up right after dancing with the stars don't it always seem to go yeah chris is in love with a corn woman he made out of various husks that he takes uh to all the trump rallies what is it i'm i'm not here to judge her vagine is corn husk based i don't know why that had to be specifically outlined. I went through a maze of women of corn. Oh, that's good. Oh, you know, I didn't even... It's fun when they do that. Like, it's a corn maze with an I,

and you're like, that's also the corn word. It's a corn corn. It's a corn corn is what you've said. And then after he gets the consultation from former bachelors of just like, hey, you know what? Just take the experience as it comes. It comes in just day by day. Just make sure each woman feels special and really, really love yourself and love the opportunity.

Just no day by today. Lovee bohem. You know, living in America. Then we see nick getting ready uh we get more of the what if she says no when i pick her what if i'm rejected again teases and then um more lady packages so we thought we saw all the videos we were going to see in countdown to nick we see some more videos we also see the same fucking videos that we saw last time including raven who's from hoxie arkansas a town with six people in it she's the mayor uh we get to see more corinne's packages where we meet her adult nanny uh vanessa from montreal

vanessa's going to crush it this season she is uh she is like a quad lingual special needs teacher who is just a real sweetheart. I think she's going to soar. She wears a lot of sleeveless shirts under sweaters just in case it gets cold or hot. She's always ready. She's very versatile. And then Josephine who is

a nurse and wearing a nurse costume. It looks it's the least believable looking nurse outfit I've seen. She was trying to establish like, I'm the weird one. And then the next package was for Alexis, who's like, no, dog, hold my beer. I'm about to show you how weird I can get up in here. Yeah. So Josephine is all about, I hope he can handle my energy.

I'm so wacky. And then Alexis is all about, I do really embarrassing things. I love dolphins. I like to wear sumo suits and go out in public. She wins. One time I fucking destroyed a target. Like, I am absolutely over it. We get Danielle, who is from Nashville,

a neonatal nurse, has a real nice smoky voice. We like Danielle. We like that voice. Somebody at our party yesterday which was pretty big we got a pretty big group this year said it was like asmr personified yes like yeah i can i i feel that yes and we feel really good about danielle also and then taylor has her master's from johns hopkins uh and she's studied vulnerability um and she's done all sorts of research on vulnerability.

So I can see that coming into play. Yeah, absolutely. That's like basically the fucking Prima strategy guide for winning The Bachelor is knowing the vulnerabilities of every person there. Is that what that's I'm assuming that's what it means. She knows like how to get under everybody's skin. I don't think that's what it is she goes she went to johns hopkins to learn how to just like get in your brain and like know what you're afraid of uh and then it's time for limo exits the driveway is wet as hell the pocket squares are crisp uh chris greets nick and says welcome back which you know fun which is fun yeah he's been in this house

a whole lot of times he's probably got a secret stash of tropical fruit gushers hidden somewhere that he's really excited to get back to i made the joke that he's made little prison tick marks on the wall up in the bunkhouse or like a or like a height somebody else also mentioned like a child's height measurement like oh and this in season 20 i was i was five foot eight no my hair has grown a whole inch his hair has shrank his hair used to be out there pretty wild uh and so this is when the women have an opportunity to create a memorable lasting impression when they exit the limo. And it's usually a great time for some wackiness. I'm going to say I was a little disappointed this year. I feel like there were very few.

Not a whole lot of wackiness. Not a lot of wackiness. I'd say the first wackiness is Kristen. She comes out in a yellow dress and does a little fan dance. Yeah, that's the bar we're working at this year. We're not talking about Chris the the dentist cupcake mobile no no maybe the men go harder and the men definitely go harder because men like need it more i'm just like dudes are are you dudes are always acting up and performing and like doing little dances and skits dudes are always putting on little skits for their friends and that's like

when we met and you did that that wacky that wacky exit that you did yeah i remember where i stole your purse and you're like what a weirdo i juggled your tampos oh i did remember i juggled all your tampos. Yeah. So. Real Roberto Benigni moment. It was very, you were like, stop it. But you were also like, I love him. Sorry, that image is really powerful to me. What, me juggling your tampos?

Yeah. Yeah. A lot of wind. Taylor starts the night out by kind of giggling and then saying, all my friends think that you're a complete piece of shit, but I don't. And Nick was like, I don't like this. Yeah, Nick's like, this is not funny to me. Seriously, he may as well have just explicitly said, like, I don't like what you said.

We get to see Idaie do a trust fall uh olivia is from alaska so she does an eskimo kiss that was cute wearing a big furry coat uh sarah makes kind of a fun a fun move she does not exit the limo. She runs up the driveway in tennis shoes and says, I know that you're a runner-up, and I wanted to be a runner-up to you. And it was just kind of cute. It was a good, I mean, for this season of fairly tame exits. It was pretty cute stuff. I liked it. Better than the camel entrance, which just probably left that woman smelling like camel the whole night. Well, she also said, I heard you like to hump.

And it's like, he's really sensitive about that stuff. You should know that. But then she also said, so, yeah, it's just, you know, I was thinking you like to hump. I was going to say it a second time, huh? You're afraid you're too far away the first time maybe he didn't hear you. There was also a big thing about a lot of women choosing red dresses and being really nervous about the fact that there were so many of them yes can we talk about jasmine g i believe yes jasmine g okay we've talked some we've talked some yay about these entrances because they were pretty bad this was maybe all-time best entrance

so incredible so it's not unusual for someone to get out of the limo and to bring a buddy usually it's their child or their relative or grandma when there's a grandma and it's like she's gonna be competing for your heart and i think it was chris souls was like i don't want to or their twin sometimes they bring their twin but they actually do compete there's nothing you can do about it jasmine g brings a franchise favorite and a personal favorite of ours. And an actual museum-ass mummy. Neil Lane. Neil Lane is the diamond man. Neil Lane typically comes last episode and presents

The Bachelor Bachelorette with a series of rings. Jasmine brings him out, says, hey, this is my buddy Neil Lane. These are the rings I like, and this is my ring size yeah this is i like an emerald cut it's like jasmine are you fucking kidding me with this power play it is ultimate all the women are inside like quivering in their boots like we're doomed jasmine

that's like showing up at the olympics and getting on that you know first place pedestal and saying this is what i'm gonna look like up Yeah, I brought my own gold medals, and you can just hand them back to me later. That was really great, and we loved it. Good work, Jasmine. Good work, Jasmine. Astrid shows up speaking German and says a lot of German stuff about breasts,

and Nick has no idea what she's saying. She says, have you seen the breast? Have you seen the breast? Because the breast is real and it's like can we stop this like my here's my thing it's a language you don't understand but i'm gonna say some pretty bogus stuff have you seen the excuse hey rachel i know you've had a pretty busy morning have you seen the breast uh griff, that's actually an interesting question. But before I answer, I wanted to ask you, have you seen the breasts? I actually have seen the breasts.

Yeah, it's Liz. Okay, so Liz's exit. Liz is the wedding woman that he saw at the wedding. Liz is the one that has slept with him before. Maybe we don't. Yes, yes. That's what she said yes uh and so she shows up and nick plays it real cool and both of them do this weird dance of we're gonna pretend like this is the first time we met uh this whole plan was fucked from the start because this is like this is i do this shit all the time of i think i know you

but the risk i do a quick risk measurement in my head where if I say, oh, you're this person and you're not this person, it absolutely sucks. So he's just kind of like. When they do this, it's really funny because you can tell the franchise folks, the people behind the scenes, are starting to freak out. Because they want this to be a thing. And so when they both play it cool, Chris Harrison. Chris Harrison has to come out chris harrison trots out and is like so uh she looked familiar to you maybe and nick's like yeah no she definitely did but i wanted to play it cool and chris is like oh oh interesting

but you remember her though right from that wedding but they both did like the the i tell you the the smooth i'm awful with names and faces and i can remember like six people in my mind at any like given time the oh it's nice to see you see not me that's the that's the card they both played to sort of like couch it i think i know you and i think we're acquainted but if not here's a sort of neutral expression there's a lot there's a lot of other entrances that um we could about, but I wanted to also highlight Josephine with the hot dog. Okay, so this was a nightmare. Josephine walks out, and she had a book, right?

She had, like, a book. And she says, quote, you're a wiener in my book. Opens the book. Hollowed out. In my book. Okay, I didn't know why she had a hollowed out book. Like, she was, like, trying to sneak a shiv into prison or like a gun and there is a hot dog in the book and and most people would leave it at that but then josephine says do you want a lady in the

trumpet and then they both have to eat an end of the hot dog and it's the hot and guess that's my fetish now. Specifically hot dogs in books eaten by two people. Oh my god, I'm in love with this now. Because I did I completely missed the wiener in my book thing. I completely missed why it was in a book. You wrote it down in your notes. No, I know. But I didn't think I just thought like that was her storage unit for the wiener. This is amazing, Josephine. After they they both take a bite, Nick tells us... I'm going to kick her out of the house the first chance that I get.

He says, I haven't had a raw hot dog since I was six years old. It was raw, too. Josephine, well done. I haven't had a raw ink-covered hot dog. Mmm, pulpy. Pulpy with paper. Yum. I love it.

Is there any other exit we want to talk about? No, just like everybody's wearing red dresses. Shark costume. Oh my god. Alexis, who we know from her package earlier in the evening, loves dolphins, loves to do wacky things, wear

wacky outfits, shows up in a shark costume. Obviously a shark costume. pointy teeth. It's the fucking left shark costume from the Super Bowl thing, from Katy Perry's Super Bowl thing, where there was the one shark that was dancing and everybody loved him. And everybody talked about it, despite the fact that Katy Perry, right next to this shark, was putting on like an all-star performance for the Super Bowl. Everybody was talking about this fucking left shark.

It wasn't left dolphin. When you bought it on Amazon, you went to shark dot amazon.com of course it's a shark she's the aspiring dolphin trainer that we mentioned in our last podcast episode you should know that dolphins have blowholes not gills and razor sharp teeth what the fuck are you doing the whole the whole night with nick and with the rest of the women becomes, that's not a dolphin costume, that's a shark costume. You're wearing a shark costume. Admit it. Admit it to the America.

You're wearing a shark costume. One of the women was like, yeah, the girl and the dolphin. Or was it a whale? What's wrong with everybody? She's a woman in a squid costume. A squid costume? The big sardine. You see that big carp over there it's interesting though because she has kind of a turn at first everyone's like this woman

is delusional this is clearly a shark and then there's a party animal everybody loves her there's a great scene later where the women you can tell have been hanging around for a long time yeah and they start pitching food into her big shark mouth. Which is great. They're essentially doing SeaWorld dolphin tricks. Listen to me. See, I'm part of the problem now. At another point, Alexis actually gets in the water

and is making dolphin noises. When I say the water, I mean the big pool that is behind the house. She gets in the pool, starts making dolphin noises, gets the attention of Nick, and Nick again tries to say, admit it, you're a shark. You're a shark.

You're a shark. Look at your shark costume that you bought at sharkcostume.biz. Is there a West Side Story joke we can make? Sharks and jets, yeah. We can make here? I don't know enough about West Side Story.

You know, I think it's the one where with the young boys and there's a boy called Soda Pop can make here i don't know enough about west side story you know i think it's the one where with the young boys and the soda there's a boy called soda pop and he stabs a boy named piggy to death okay and there's a big warehouse fire isn't there like a when you're a shark you're a shark it's i think it's the one with stay golden pony boy and i think it's the one oh it's the one with the little boy and he has he's in an airplane crash and he has a hatchet on the island twitter is exploding right now no no i'm remembering this correctly soda pop has the hatchet on the island he kills piggy with it that's that's all

i want to talk about with the limo exits we still have a lot we still have a lot of episodes listen this first episode is always so insubstantial it is essentially like you get six seconds with each person and you just kind of bounce around so let's talk about some great so post limo exit nick comes in says hey ladies thanks for coming uh have fun out there just treat it as try to be as normal as you can in this not normal environment like yeah you should listen to what this fucking dude says he's been on the show a hundred times he's got some hot he's probably the best person who's ever been on the show just because he somehow keeps making his way back on so this is the

cocktail party so now the 30 women that have arrived have to all push each other out of the way so they can talk to nick more about their personal lives and really endear themselves to him was rachel the first one on yes rachel the dallas tex. So. Hey, that's your name. Do you see that? And you're like, awesome. She's also in her 30s. We've talked about this before, but when you watched Friends, were you just like, that's me the whole time? No.

In Jennifer Aniston's character? Not at all. Not at all. Although I did try to get the Rachel haircut when it was very popular. You are shitting me. I do not have straight hair did not work you don't have straight hair you also have dark you have brown hair babe she's she had like blonde hair with like brown stuff going on you can still get a haircut if you don't have the same

color hair you see you didn't watch it you're just like that's me with phoebe and monica no what am i doing up there kissing joey I'm supposed to be with Ross. No. What a nice apartment I have in New York City. No, that's not what I did at all. Gunther sure is giving me a weird look over here at Central Perk. You didn't think that all the time? No. If there was a show that had a Griffin on it,

sometimes I watch Family Guy because it's so fucking funny. I'll watch Family Guy and I'll be like, all these people are me with the last name uh so the thing we liked about rachel rachel immediately knows kind of what her leverage points are so rachel has also lived in wisconsin for a few years nick has 10 siblings rachel has a huge family too her dad has 10 siblings her mom has six siblings and that's are you kidding me with that thanksgiving how are you kidding me with this thanksgiving we rented out madison square garden for thanksgiving because there's a billion of us the thing i like about rachel is that she she doesn't try and tell some weird goofy story about how she's so quirky she knows i've done my

homework nick has a big family i have a big family. I have a big family. We both have Wisconsin in common. I'm going to hit those fast. I'm going to get in, get out. I'm going to be super chill. And also get that first time. That's so important to get that first time. And wear a red dress, but wear it so right.

It was the dress, like the one from last year where everybody didn't know what color it was. And there's a lot of people that try and and talk to him that night there's a lot of angst as there usually is night one about i'm not getting enough time she's going back for a second time like corinne keeps going back and they're all mad at her for it because they haven't had time yet corinne's exit involved her giving nick a quote unquote hug token which can I take that to Billy Bob's and play skeeball with it? Because if not, it's not a token. Can I put it in a bus and get a bus trip out of it? Can you just be calling things tokens? What? I'm just I'm just resting.

I'm so tired. She hands him a hug token and then later on comes back with a big old bag of tokens. And I don't know if these are all hugs or what but then corinne does go back in to get that first kiss and he's like do i need to give you a token for this and she says no and he says these are these things you've given me are worthless then these are you've just undervalued your own currency what am i supposed to do with these tokens yeah corinne goes in for the kiss uh which makes nick a little uncomfortable i mean he likes that she's assertive but he also worries oh great now all the ladies saw he yeah he does say boy i hope nobody else saw that but you know he likes it because this is he's just a little curly haired milk-fed fuck boy oh little raisin mouth he is

he's just a horny boy and that's fine chase that but like don't don't don't try to act like the the manic pixie dream boy that you're that you're going for in this intro i'm the bachelor i just want everyone to get along who knows uh so first impression rose comes out so this this is a huge indicator of somebody's success. What it is, it's a rose that guarantees that you're going to stay another week. You don't have to do the indignity of standing there with all those women waiting for a rose. You get that rose. All those women and also a shark.

You get that rose in advance. And he gives it to our girl, Rachel. Rachel's going to do great this season i feel really really good about about her performance and i think she's gonna crush it finally after probably a lot of pushing from the producers on this show nick and uh liz have their confrontation about their previous romantic past it is so, I could not look directly at it. It was like a solar eclipse. Because she says, I didn't think you recognized me.

He said, yeah, I recognize you. I didn't want to say anything in case it didn't work. So one thing we should point out is she did not give him her number. Yeah, so we see this in the package beforehand. And she talks about it a few times. He, after their night together asked for her number and she was kind of suspicious of it because she just figured he was like a playboy and this was like a weird you know technicality of now i guess i have to ask you for your number

so she's like let's let's not do that let's leave it at this and that left kind of a sour taste in nick's mouth um he's not it doesn't seem like he's into it um and it seemed like he was in sort of an uncomfortable place after this conversation because while they were talking about it and she was like so do you think uh it's cool me being here somebody comes and steals him away well what happens is is she kind of indicates the part of the reason that she didn't give her number was she was kind of going off of the stereotype of nick but then after she saw him on paradise she kind of thought well maybe i'm wrong about nick and nick doesn't like this because nick is thinking you met me we spent time together and you could have given me your number i asked

for it and instead you relied on stereotypes that you saw on television that's pretty that he has a sick point that's pretty wild and so their conversation does not does not go well uh yeah i don't think here's the thing this is the first season in a while where we have not had a returning contestant even nick himself was a returning contestant in c Nick himself was a returning contestant in Caitlyn's season where somebody from a past season shows up and is like, hey, I saw you on TV

or hey, I met you at a Bachelor Nation themed event and I liked you. And so I showed up and thought I'd say, hey, thought I'd holler. This is the first season where we haven't had that. So I guess Liz is kind of filling this role. Like, oh, here's a person that you've met before. This is becoming like a staple.

Like all of these people who've never met you are competing with a person who does know you and you have some sort of contact with so like i i don't i bet it doesn't seem like he's into it i think he wants a fresh start fresh nick you know or maybe he's just sad maybe he was maybe she was the one i i don't think so no i don't think't think so either. Although he does keep her. He does keep her, yes. Which we don't know if that was really his decision or if, again, they are just really trying to push this narrative. She gets the last rose, the tension rose. Yeah.

So, who knows? I don't really have any other notable moments. I mean, that's the thing. Nothing really happened. What are we supposed to— A lot of freak out about multiple red dresses. There were like— Just a lot of—

There were like seven or eight people. Why would you think we're interested in this we can see everybody in the room there's a lot of red yes next subject please yeah nobody gets too drunk from what i could tell um we don't really see anything that i feel like is a big it's a big remarkable moment it's the it's a weird thing where I am probably the least excited about the season premiere of this show because it really is just nothing. Unless there's like a crazy limo exit, there's almost nothing else to talk about in this first episode.

How do you feel about this person? Well, I've seen them for 15 seconds, so I guess they're okay. Yeah, and we should say we haven't... So typically we have 25 women this time we have 30 which creates for a rough a rough amount of time environment yeah so this is a two-hour show and like the first hour and 15 minutes are just these like introduction and limo exits so we just get nothing with these women and then at the rose ceremony they only eliminate what like four or five women so we still end night one with more women than we traditionally start compared to bachelor at

canada where they started with like 20 dudes and kicked off 10 in the first episode like oh man i'm gonna we're gonna miss that pace because it's just the next episode too if there's 25 women in the next episode i'm not gonna i'm still not gonna get to know them very well at all um so yeah let's let's talk about that rose ceremony yeah so the rose ceremony um no huge surprises he does keep as we mentioned uh liz um he keeps jasmine g who we were real excited about with the neil lane power play right uh he keeps he keeps the shark keeps the shark although when he gives her the rose he demands that she acknowledge that she is a shark and not a dolphin which i liked um i mean you know vanessa danielle both daniels get to stay um both elizabeth's get to stay um Both Elizabeth's get to stay.

Just trying to make it as confusing as possible for us. Griffin, do you want to go to the website and tell us who went home that night? The website's not even updated. I'm on justjared.com to break down who got sent home. What is justjared.com? And exactly, why do I have to go to them for this information? Because the TV show showed like three women going home but like seven went home angela went home don't really remember her lauren uh olivia was the alaskan woman who did the eskimo kisses uh brianna uh ida marie who did

the trust fall she got sent home jasmine b one of the Jasmines actually did get sent home. Oh, okay. Just didn't show it. Sorry, ladies. You came out here all this way, and you made it through our rigorous tryout process, and then we made you stay up until 3 p.m. the following day for this premiere episode. It's not unusual to see women exiting the show in daylight because the night goes so long.

But this, yeah, this was like noon. This was like, this was like let's all go out to brunch after yeah uh so jasmine b um michelle and suzanna a lot of women went home i swear to god guys i had to go to just a jared.com yo abc what the fuck you see the end of the new superman movie superman i guess dies but they don't show it what yeah Superman and Batman, they both die, but they just don't show it at the end. Normally, when women get eliminated, they get the respect of getting to talk to the camera and express, you know, why they thought they went home and how optimistic they are for their future romantic trials. But in this case, I guess they just went under the cloak of daylight. I guess they just went under the cloak of daylight.

While the editor was editing this episode, they called ABC's central headquarters so many times. It was like, yo, straight up, 30 women's too many women. I can't even show the women going home. It's too many women. We're being outrageously Spartan right now with this footage. This is out of control. We cannot do this again.

Please, fewer women next time. I am dying. I'm in hell. So, yeah. So that was night one. And then we get that same season teaser that we saw last time with the slap and the vagine. My vagine hang like wizard's sleeve from Borat is a joke. Oh. You remember it?

Can we get through one episode? He's from Kazakhstan. And they do things a little differently over there. And he had the big mustache. How do you not remember Borat? I just love hearing you talk about Borat. You know why? Because you're my wife.

Okay. That was the first episode of The Bachelor. The next episode of The Bachelor, it's going to start getting wild, getting wild right like this season is good the first few episodes after the premiere the premiere is just too dense especially this one yeah where it was just it was we saw like breakout scenes with like four of the women and then they didn't even show all the women going home i had to go to just jared.com this episode sponsored by just jared um but the teaser for the season we see they get to go to finland um looks lovely there appears to be lots of travel yeah um we see some future controversy with corinne some controversy with liz we see a tearful concern

moment with nick and it's not clear kind of what spurred that i mean that is another thing that is in every single one of these season teasers which is like what if this whole thing happens and i don't have anybody at the end yeah like now you're you're you will you're gonna propose and somebody's gonna say yes or you won't propose um but there's a zero percent chance you're gonna propose and the person says no that's that's congratulations you just won who wants to be a millionaire nah i just want like 10 000 bucks and i'm good thank you regis mostly because an individual wouldn't let someone go all the way to the top of a cliff to propose with the intent of saying no unless it's some like count of money cristo style revenge plot and this is the payoff for it um so yes i'm it's a Count of Monte Cristo-style revenge plot, and this is the payoff for it.

So yes, don't get me wrong. I wasn't disappointed in the premiere. That's like, this is what it is. And it certainly seems like there's going to be a pretty dope cast of characters here. Big fan of Rachel, big fan of Jasmine. Big fan of Shark Astrid? No, the other one. Ainsley?

Aimsers? Alia? Are we talking about the shark woman? Yeah, um, um, Aimele, Aimele, Aimele. I'm gonna let you keep going for a while. It was actually Alexis. Alexis. Um, yeah, I mean, there's gonna be, it's gonna be fun, right?

And I think, I think Nick will do a good job. It was just like, this was, this was kind of a weird a weird premiere um but yeah i'm excited i'm excited for this season i think there's gonna be some interesting storylines i think he's definitely gonna fall in love with two fucking women again and i think they're definitely maybe more than two there's apparently teasers that i fall in love with nine women i don't this is the hardest choice i've ever had to make and i'll have to make it eight times i love all nine of them equally i don't i didn't know this was possible i think i'm gonna sister wife it um boy henry is just really acting a fool um thanks thanks thanks for listening this is your first episode sorry about all the baby grunts

um thanks for joining us on this journey. Yeah, it's going to be a fun voyage to go on. And thank you again to Maximum Fun for having us. Go to MaximumFun.org and check out all the cool shows there. Big thanks to Stuart and Charlene. Stuart from The Flophouse. They have a bar in Brooklyn

called The Hinterlands. It fucking rules. And last night they showed they did a premiere party uh for apparently like 30 people turned out just flooded the bar uh and it was totally rad so i was so jealous that we couldn't be there oh and sorry to folks that tried to set up the fantasy draft through the rose reckoner uh we did crash the site we did and sorry to drew who runs rose reckoner sorry about that um but yeah hopefully the kinks will get worked out for that for next time. But yeah,

I'm excited to do this season. I'm excited to be here with you. I do wish Henry would just like sleep fucking ever. But we'll figure it out. To new listeners,

we have a five week old baby that has made recording a new challenge, but we are committed to the podcast and to the baby and to the baby um yeah thanks for listening we'll talk to you next tuesday don't touch that dial it's got jam on it that's our tagline oh no i don't like it until next time i'm griffin mcelroy i'm rachel mcelroy when you're ready stay with us on this journey of joy

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