Wonderful! - Ep. 60: The Sex Turtleneck

Episode Date: February 28, 2017

Somehow, SOMEHOW, we created a podcast episode that is just as long as the hour-long episode of television that we're recapping. Which like, at this point, I don't even know if you can call that a recap, really. I think this might actually be a remake. MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe, maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. I'm the best rep and I'm rapping to your pool sign. Here to find true love. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. And this is Rose Buddies.

Oh yes, y'all. feeling fucking fresh as heck right now i'm feeling like i just ran a half marathon when i was planning on running a marathon i feel like i have my whole night ahead of me i'm gonna eat some girl scout cookies when we're done recording this because we're gonna finish recording this and we're still gonna have a little bit of night left to party i'm feeling so good right now why can't this show always be 60 minutes runtime forever please please i i i admit that i i liked having a shorter episode but i guess yeah not a lot happened nothing happened was the only thing this is going to be probably a 14 minute long episode of rose buddies you always say that and we always make it last well i don't know that

we've ever talked about an episode where only like three things happened the whole time um i mean i guess we could fill it let's fill let's do a little bit of filler yeah let's start over hi i'm griffin mcelroy hi i'm rachel mcelroy the oscars can you even believe it a lot of the stars were out there and can you believe what all of them wore like together it was there was a lot of people made a lot of bold choices and saw a lot of dresses a lot of dresses and a lot a whole bunch of suits bunch of suits so i guess we can all agree that like everybody did really well i nobody stood out as doing like a particularly bad job seemed like for every category yeah somebody got an award somebody did get an award one time they gave an award to two people

and i was like that's unique but i had a much more fun time watching it so um and then i didn't you want to talk about the show yeah it's really the only thing i have in my life right now we can talk about elijah wood was up on jimmy fallon you watch that clip of elijah wood talking about his friendship with nick the bachelor and this did require me to be um exposed to jimmy fallon and i feel like i need to like scan myself with a fucking geiger counter every time that interaction takes place just to make sure that I haven't been permanently irradiated with sort of his brand. What do you have against Jimmy Fallon? He makes me uncomfortable to watch him do his craft.

And that might be kind of judgy to say, but I just don't really like it i think like you know what he has fun out there maybe a little too much fun like maybe sometimes you watch him and you're like maybe less games for a minute and like i'm happy for it i'm happy for him but you know just less games jimmy jack thought james kimmel did a pretty we we talk about james kimmel a lot on this show because he's such a like for ABC in the Bachelor franchise. I thought he did a pretty dang good job for Oscars. A few of his jokes were a little rote, and at least one or two of them had been done before at the Oscars. But I thought he did okay.

Griffin, you are taking a sharp eye on America's late-night men. Of my favorite late-night Jimmys? Yeah, I agree. First of all, that's a weird thing, right? Like, do they all have to be jimmy? But he handled Warren Beatty's whole fuck up in a really classy way, I thought. You know? When they got up there and started playing fucking Calvin Ball with the academy.

I was asleep already. You were asleep, yes. But it was buck wild. What are you looking at? You looking at my big toe? To explain to everybody, you've been staring at my big toe intently for like a minute now. Griffin has these MeUndies lounge pants that I bought him. They're fucking excellent. Worth every penny.

And he is looping it around his large toe. I'm doing it like stirrups, you know? I'm doing it like they're dance pants or something like that that you wear at ballet. Boys didn't wear stirrup pants in the 80s like girls did i know we saved them for the 90s see and just like that nothing there's nothing happening this episode we just got four good minutes talking about bullshit famous jimmies and really that's it seems kind of unfair to the listeners because i guess we'll have about 20 minutes at the back end talking about the elusive women's orgasm yeah i'm ready for that women's play the elusive pleasure of women's yeah i'm

ready to talk i'm really excited to dive deep that's what i i i i think that if you're candid enough i'll really open up in this conversation i'll be as candid as the raven was which means pretty fucking candid on national tv raven go get it go get it go get it go get that go get that gasm i say this isn't going to be a wild but short episode you looked uncomfortable when i said go get that gasm you can at least appreciate the alliteration no it's nice yeah is nice. It's a lot of that on the back end of the episode. You've made so many faces. I wish I could record you. I really wish you'd stay away from the back end.

Oh, we are children. We are children. Okay, can we talk about the show? We have been. No. Out of order a little bit, Memento style. Okay, so last week, as you'll recall, we did Hometowns. And at the end of Hometowns, Nick and the ladies go to New York.

And we get the cliffhanger of knock at the door. It's Andy. And she's got something to say i i was critical because i thought that this was going to be nothing and it did turn out to be nothing like the conflict or whatever turned out to be nothing but i actually really liked this conversation that the two of them had and it kind of reminded me that like back in the day i liked andy a lot yeah andy andy andy was like really real and very fierce in a way that i really i completely had forgotten about maybe i just forgot about it because she ended up with such a fucking zero

yeah um but i mean the boy crop was the fields went fallow that year it was a bad harvest um yeah she is very authentic uh which is something that i think nick really liked about her that's what america liked about her that's what america liked about her uh she shows up and nick seems a little uncomfortable it's like what are you doing here uh and offers her whiskey or wine she says i think we're gonna need whiskey for this conversation which you did you did you yeah you could have been fine with a fucking la croix for this conversation but but yeah then she basically does what we expect her to do which is like how's it going you know tell me about the women uh and he's like oh we have a we have a lot of strong women

uh this season really strong-headed and she's like oh and they they still stuck around good burn that was funny um and then nick kind of talks about how he's been kind of insecure as the bachelor and he's he's you know kind of appreciates what she went through now that he's been on this side of it can we i think we need to take a brief aside because i was i wasn't in the live feed uh convo happening in the facebook group which just hit 10 000 members thank you all so much that's so radical um a lot of folks don't know who andy is from adam so can we give like a quick breakdown she was the bachelorette three bachelorettes ago and before that she was on the dreaded juan pablo's season i thought juan pablo was on her season no you're right she was on juan pablo she was on

juan pablo season she left she bailed um because they went to fantasy suites and did not go well apparently it was just like he was really self-obsessed the entire time um it was one of the wilder fantasy suite sequences because it was them going on this date and one probably sucked like i there was never a good scene that had that dude in it but like you didn't think anything was you know uh anything anything was afoot there was anything like really bad going on and then like after a commercial break it cuts to like and Andy walking on the beach by herself. And she's like, so, last night fucking sucked. And I'm going to leave the show because this guy is a huge tool.

And that was where the famous Juan Pablo quote came in, where she was complaining to him kind of about her issues with their relationship. And he kept saying, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Which is where her book came from, which is,

it's not okay. The title of her book also comes from the fact that she got engaged to Josh, who was hugely. Yeah. So America fell in love with her. She became the bachelorette. And then she picked josh on a season where nick was also so nick was the runner-up uh in that season and again bad crop

of boys to let you josh you will remember from this last season of bachelor in paradise uh if if it came down to nick and josh you knew the boys that they beat out probably were not so awesome. And so but the big like confrontation that happened between Nick and Andy didn't happen during the show proper. It was on the after the final rose. Andy had just picked Josh. And so we're in the after show and we get one last sort of chance for nick to to face andy and nick says we had sex in the fantasy suites why would you do that to with me that's a paraphrase if you knew yes if but not that i'm not cutting out that much why would you do that if you knew you weren't going

to pick me and it was uh that sucks right like across the board that's a fucking shitty thing to say um and it was it was the thing that i feel like they've been trying to redeem nick with with the good edits during this season and during bachelor in paradise and now we get that we get that conversation to happen like right now in this room, which to a degree that I didn't really expect. Yeah. I feel like the producers kind of decided we're getting to the end. If America's really going to be happy for Nick, they have to forgive him for all his dalliances.

Yeah. I definitely think definitely. Right. Cause you can't have this dude who famously went on the after show and said, why did you have sex with more than one person during the fantasy suites if you if you knew you were going to pick this one guy and then have that person go ahead like turn around and do the same thing on their own season of of the bachelor i definitely

think there was some to it um but it was also very it was it was a really like and maybe this was just because it was andy um but it was a really like very real and very um and you may not like appreciate this if you haven't watched as much of the show as i have but i feel like for the for the tenor of this franchise it was a very sex positive conversation yeah and andy really takes the lead on it. You know, I think Andy asked him about the fantasy suite. And he says, you know, that he's not sure what he's going to do. And she says, hey, you know, you've been to their homes. You know, if you have feelings for them, you know, I think it's worth exploring. If you are both feeling it.

If you're both feeling it. And she said, you know, that's my feminist rant. Yeah. She says if you're not, if you don't see a future with them, if you don't think that anything's going to happen between the two of you, that's when you shouldn't do it. That's when you shouldn't go into the fantasy suite and be intimate. Yeah. And they recognize kind of the irony of this conversation, given what happened. And he says that it's his single biggest regret that uh things

went down the way they did on the after the final rose and uh and she she accepts his apology um and she says you know i i recognize that i hurt you and that you were just trying to hurt me back that doesn't track like you okay fine but like he fucking lost a game show and then like slut shamed you on national television i don't think it's a it's a tit-for-tat situation but it was a very it was a very mature conversation and one that fantasy suites are so fucking interesting and i feel like we have to talk about this every fantasy suites episode and guess what we're going to talk about it next week too because for some like bonkers reason they split it up by the way next week's episode is going to be three

hours long how's your fucking like podcast recording session next week that's going to end at 1 a.m with your baby crying in the next room pretty bad thank you past griffin and rachel um fantasy suites is this episode of television on on ABC where people contractually are offered the chance to have sex with each other. And I feel like we gotta say that. We gotta, like, address that every time. It's kind of wild. This is a television show where, it's a reality show where there is time penciled into the fucking Google calendar for them to, if they choose to accept it it have sexual intercourse with each other and also you're agreeing to the um the franchise of kind of like doing all this suggestive camera work

and angles and and captions of like squishing noises yeah exactly schlorping. Female orgasm sounds, whatever that is. And then like shoes on the floor. Yeah. You know, like hair tie on the nightstand. Bath robes. Bath robes. Yeah. You're, yes.

One thing we didn't say, and I want to make sure we say it, because I think it might be significant or maybe not but when nick is talking to andy um and talking about oh now i'm on this side of it and this is what it's like being in charge um and he's like yeah well now you get to break up with 29 women and nick says well maybe 30 you know i'm not just gonna propose because i'm the bachelor and i'm not going to propose just because she's the last one standing um which is like everybody always has that option but it's weird for you to like fun little poke yeah um so yeah it was a very i feel like it was a very um even if it was staged it was the type of conversation that you at least have to appreciate does not happen very often on on this show yeah yeah i i think it was a little contrived to have her show up and be like hey let's squash all of these potential you know outliers that we have in our relationship right

now before you go off to fantasy suites um but she lives in new york he was in new york i mean whatever they would have flown around i feel bad that people don't know who andy is because i saw a lot of people commenting like this is boring and i was wrapped i was i was i was i was glued to the screen there are a lot of similarities between um andy and rachel and that andy is also an attorney that and there they end um let's get to that ceremony okay so now it's time for the rose ceremony nick leads us to believe that he has left these women standing outside the entire time oh and then the commercial break before the we get a commercial break after andy's thing and before the rose ceremony, and it shows fucking Raven going on a date.

And it's like, so I guess Raven's going on through. Huh? Yeah, it's like coming up on The Bachelor. And then it shows Raven. And so you know Raven gets the rose. Okay, all right. So you know Raven gets the rose. And she does.

She gets first rose. First rose. And you're thinking, okay, Vanessa's probably going to get a rose. And she does. But then it's down to no rachel gets the second no i know i know i'm just saying when we were when we were playing this out in our head and figuring out who was going to get roses we thought we were pretty confident definitely yeah it's either Rachel or Korn. And then Rachel goes home because we know she doesn't win the show. Yeah. We've known for two weeks now.

I mean, if you think about it, we don't. We know that she's the Bachelorette. That is all we know. She could win the show. Unless they, unless. How many times does the couple break up by the time they do the. Yeah, I guess so. they do the final rose? There's no way, though.

That would be so buck-fucking-wild. I know. It would. It would. It'd almost be like they were sitting around waiting for them to break up so they could announce her as the Bachelorette. Yeah. So Corinne goes home. Corinne does go home.

And she's... It's kind of a mix of emotions it's weird her emotional mix she's very sad at first and there's lots of crying but then she's also smiling quite a bit i think there is some plying that happens in the limo because she's very upset and she gets in the limo there's a lot of corn doing corn role play in the limo like corn's greatest hits um she's got she's got a glass of champagne and she's talking she has this like self-love awakening like i think this is like after she'd been in the limo for like 25 minutes and they've been like just doing laps they've been

like plying her with some booze um she does a lot of like i'm i've got to find a uh i'm done like going after the man who i have to you know i'm done like trying to like worship these men and and it's you know if they're really interested in me they need to come to me um which is great good um yes excellent excellent excellent i hope that everybody leaves this show with that as their fucking home version parting gift um is i'll never do this again uh but then she says oh forget this i'm gonna take a nap and then she just kind of like leans her head up against the window but like still sitting up and pretends to fall asleep and it's like oh that's what like um that's like what a little kid does when they pretend to go to

sleep like i don't i hope that's not too insulting to corn who i i appreciate she has a lot of affection corn is yes she's she is problematic as as heck a lot of the time but like gosh darn it like i don't think she deserved the edit that she got i don't think she could pull off the edit that she got and i think a way more could pull off the edit that she got. And I think a way more interesting edit is just like corn the goofball, but we didn't get a whole lot of that. Yeah, one thing she says is kind of sad is when she's leaving, they're walking down this very long staircase. And Corinne says, I'm sorry if I did anything to make you upset. Which is like the saddest reaction to not being picked. upset which is like the saddest reaction it's really sad picked it was it was a genuinely um uh just behind christina it was the like most like genuinely kind of difficult to watch yeah

send home of the season because you've got you've got to feel i feel so bad for for corn because it's hard to feel like um she wasn't taken advantage of by like, she was very entertaining. And I think she, she knew that. And I think the producers definitely knew that. But I also think like the producers are more than willing to like fucking squeeze every fucking drop out of corn that they could get their hands on.

Yeah. I mean, we, we just have to hope that she had fun. Like the only way this works for me is if she genuinely had fun while she was doing i'll tell you where she's gonna have fun and you made this excellent point of she hot in the limo and she may as well just been like driver um take me to paradise quintana roo please yes yeah she she has got to be on she'll be on bit i think we actually have confirmation she's on bit we also

have unfortunately we have confirmation that Rod is on BIP, and they apparently have some sort of level of interaction, which, yeah, it's gonna fucking suck. Here's where I'm at. It stinks, and, like, I genuinely had the thought of, like, do I even want to watch this show with this fucking dickhead on it? But I also, there's a part of me that is, and maybe this is just sort of making excuses and justifying it,

but I kind of want that, I don't want that dipshit to steal my sunshine. Because I do enjoy that show. It's my favorite thing in Bachelor. And we do this Bachelor podcast. I feel like I've earned this fucking vacation, even though this piece of garbage is on the show. Yeah, I don't know. We'll have to figure out what we're going to do because I think we, we have to cover it,

but I, there's gotta be a way to do it. That won't be so upsetting. So yeah. So Rod centric. So I think Nick is kind of ready to send her home. Yeah. Because the next scene is him getting ready to go to Finland in the

airport. And the voiceover is just like, I just never really got as far with Corinne as I got with my other relationships. Like, it just seemed like. Also, it wasn't that hard. You made it seem hard. It doesn't sound hard. Yeah.

And so they're going to Finland, which we never see the big, like, toast, we're going to Finland, yay, moment. We just see him at the airport and we know they're going um and we get to see nick in uh first class just pondering had the thought and i posed it to you there's only three women left you think they get first class treatment i do not that's a shame i do not just give it just let him have it although, that is an arm and a leg. Griffin flew first class for the first time. The first time to the Mim Bam Bam premiere. And it was, it was pretty good.

I watched a, I watched Don't Breathe, a little spooky horror movie on the plane. And you told me you had some fresh fruit. I had a bowl of fresh fruit and a cinnamon roll and some yogurt with granola is what they called it it was a this was a flight to new york a polynesian dish granola and you put it in the yogurt and you eat your pineapple and your strawberry i've never flown first class before i hadn't either i probably never will again but it was pretty cool did they give you a warm towel they did yeah and i didn't i didn't know what to do with it i washed the inside of my mouth with it i tucked it in there and i scrubbed like vigorously you wiped down the seat i wiped down the seat like to get my own fucking slime off of it i'm sorry i'm sorry somebody actually

walked up to me and they're like you're a second class i actually like fucking nothing drives me crazier than like people getting on an an airplane and not understanding how groups and shit work. And this isn't just first class Griffin talking. This is group four Griffin talking where it's like, I see my group four buddies. And it's like, Platinum Diamond vice presidents can board the plane now. My group four buddies are like, here I come. I'm going to stand right in the middle of everything, right in the way. They called for first class. And I was like, here I come.

And there was this just fucking old dude that was like standing in front of the premium lane, like blocking the whole shit. And I was like, oh, excuse me. And he was like, oh, they're boarding first class right now. And I was like, oh, Griffin. Yeah, I was wearing a hoodie, I guess. But I was like, whatever, Zuckerberg, you know, he wears hoodies all the time he's probably flies zeroth class but i was like oh i'm sorry bud it was a very like pretty woman moment you know i snapped the i snapped the the necklace um thing on his hand on his fingers and he was like and he laughed wait and that's in that situation he's pretty woman we were both

pretty women okay i love i didn't feel the superiority of just like i love that book which book pretty women yeah it's a good one louise may alcott you know yeah it's a great one i didn't feel this superiority when i put that man in his place i mostly just felt like very embarrassed he was like a fucking quarterback like a linebacker just like you're not getting through here and i was like look he's like you have money i was like well no but i made a tv show so i get this one and what and what about the food on airplanes right i got fresh fruit and you can't fuck up pineapple you just can't you just can't fuck up a strawberry and those little peanuts in the bag

they're so hard to so hard to open they are i'm so proud of you what do you call this jokes i'm working on my type five it's a very tight five by which i mean there's about four seconds it's an extremely tight five minutes um there's there's about four minutes of me miming trying to open peanuts that's what takes up the time that's actually some really next level shit thank you you bust that out of bomb shelter i would fucking i would love that i don't want to get into what bomb shelter is we're doing a lot of tangents here there's nothing to talk about they go into a bar and they play darts

and then she says, I've never nutted and he's like, I eat. And then the fucking credits rolled. That's it. Thanks for listening to Rosebuddies. We'll see you next week.

Bye. That's it. Well, people like the journey. I just did a fucking rocket ship through the journey. I just went through the Stargate to the destination. Here we are.

Okay, so we're in Finland. There's only a few hours of sunlight a day now they're connecting the dots they're like how are we gonna get to her talking about not nothing get hurry rachel hurry i'm breathless with anticipation um and nick is talking about um how he's concerned where raven's heart is uh because she hasn't said that she's in love with him neither has rachel which this is a lot that two-thirds of the women have not said it and the one-third who did say it he was like well you know i've had a lot of lovers yeah well and poor vanessa is kind of falling apart under pressure she is she is having a tough time uh but we don't spend any time with her this episode it is all about raven which i am happy about because man i fucking

love raven she is so good i mean i made the point and i can't stop thinking about this if this was any other season it would be the raven show this was like strong, like, crew of women that, like, it's, it's, I feel like Raven has kind of taken a bit of a backseat. I think she's had some, she's really stood out in all the stuff she's done. She just hasn't had much time to shine, and I feel like I have not exactly been rooting for her. But fucking in Ben Higgins' season, are you kidding me? I would have been, I would have lost my mind for Raven. Yeah. She is so so so good

she's very good um mostly because like she just she just says shit like she just says the stuff that comes to her mind she's not concerned with like the narrative of the show yeah uh which is nice to watch so they're in a helicopter uh and this is where we find out as the viewer that she has never told anyone that she's loved them before. Yes. She's only, I guess, had one serious boyfriend. She's a 25-year-old woman. She's only had one serious relationship.

They dated for two years and didn't say it, which, like, that seems weird. Well, he said it when he was drunk. Yeah, which, that sucks. Yeah, and she never did because she didn't entirely trust him. So, yeah, so they're having a nice time. They go to... I don't know why I said that. They're not being mean to each other, and not pulling mean pranks on each other.

Nothing happens on this date. They don't bully each other. They go from the helicopter to a bar where they play darts. Oh, God, baby. Nick is terrible at darts. They're both not great. She is better than Nick. I think we should talk more about the darts after.

We need to go to the money zone. We do not call it the money zone what do we call it i say griffin yeah we have to have a name for that we have to have a noun for this well i don't want to call it the same thing you call it on your other show oh we need a little exclusive we were gonna call it um the fantasy suite might be good that's confusing for this episode though who gives a shit? Um, hey, Griffin. Hey. Can I steal you away?

Jank, jank, jank, jank, jank, jank, jank, jank. Jank, jank, jank. Good. Just a classic, classic movement of Tim Allen's fourth concerto. What was his third concerto? It was Jungle to Jungle. concerto what was his third concerto it was um jungle to jungle um do you want to talk about blue apron or should i do i want to talk about blue apron uh so our sponsor this week again is old favorite yours and mine it's blue apron did we do this last week yeah oh we did last week um so blue apron is a real friend of the mackler family uh and that

all mackleries use it uh it is a box of ingredients that come each week with perfectly pre-proportioned it's tough right ingredients but it's just pre-portioned not pre-proportioned see it's tough well no i'm not even reading it. It's just what Justin always says. Well, he's a goober and you know that. I love him. He's my brother. He's a goobus to the maximum. And it's enough food to put together three meals.

For two people each. Yeah. And you can set some preferences around whether you'd want, for example, a vegetarian option or not. Let me tell you about, can I tell you about some of the upcoming meals that you and I have coming potentially this week? Yes. This is food, these are dinners we're going to be eating later this week. I'm talking about salmon piccata with orzo and broccoli, pork chops and miso butter with bok choy and marinated apple. You probably can't eat that one.

Miso, right? You can't have... Miso has soy in it. I don't know if it does or not. Dang it. Vegetable chili and baked sweet potatoes with crispy tortilla strips. Spicy shrimp coconut curry with cabbage and rice. Fuck yeah, that one's going to be good. They're so good. And we do them like three times a week because we get three meals a week.

And we take turns cooking dinner for each other. And it turns out really fucking good. What was the thing we just made? The stew. The beef and lamb stew. Oh, yeah. That was really good. With like roasted potatoes on top.

Holy shit. It was exceptionally good. It was really good. And you can pick what you want based on your dietary preferences. What's the coupon code? Well, if you can check out this week's menu and you can get your first three meals for free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash rose. That's blueapron.com slash rose.

You're going to love it. We love it. It's fucking great. We've used it for like eight months or something. It's awesome. Go check it out. Uh, I want to read a Jumbotron. This is a message for Lauren.

This is from Phillip. Happy Valentine's Day. Oh, it's like, baby, you're getting your first taste. Whoops is from Phillip. Happy Valentine's Day. Baby, you're getting your first taste of disappointment. Okay. Sorry, Lauren. Happy Valentine's Day to my super smart and strong wife. We've been through so much over the past

eight or so years, and being married to you over the past four months has been a delight. I really enjoy our time together watching the Bachelor series of products, TM. It actually says TM. And being able to reminisce over episodes of Rose Buddies. Forever and always yours, Phillip. That is a really sweet message that we totally screwed the pooch on.

Sorry, Phillip. We had a lot come in there. Happy Love Day. Happy Love Day. Gather around the podcast machine with me and let's listen to the special message i believe strongly that you and lauren have survived this late message what two weeks their relationship lasted another 14 days i should hope so um i have another message here and it's for daniel and it's from brendan thanks for introducing me to my new favorite two hours of

beautiful dumpster fire television. See you next Tuesday for some good good cucumber snacks. Have we figured out sort of the preparation of what cucumber snack is? In the package for Corinne. Yeah. It looked

like it was just sliced cucumber. I think it's just sliced cucumber. But I mean there are like real cucumber salads that you can have that actually have other ingredients. I don't doubt that. I would never doubt that. But I think a cucumber snack is just when you cut up a cucumber. In which case, if you slice up an apple, is that an apple snack? I think so. What about a pudding snack pack? Again, another great question. Is a cucumber snack just sort of like a cucumber that you cut up and then you put in the...

What? What'd you say? What did I say? It sounded like you said cucumber. Did I say that? A little bit. Well, I've had one beer, so... And a glass of wine. Uh-oh. Mardi Grash the Dead Pilot Society podcast brings you hilarious comedy pilots

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I agree. Okay, so. Beautiful stuff. Clean. All right. Well, which is it? All right. Is it clean or is it nasty?

Help me out here. It just is, Griffin. It just is. That beautiful baby thank you dr ruth sex just is her famous book welcome to love lines sex just is uh so nick tells us the viewer that he loves raven's wonderful edgy craziness. Stop it. It's so much... It was funny then, and it's funnier to hear you retell it. That is the perfect combination of salty and sweet. You look like those words

just kind of grumbled out of your mouth like barf. It's like a Reese's peanut butter cup. It looked like it actually hurt you to say those words out loud, to have them come out of you. It's like a nutrageous candy bar. It's just like a 100 grand. It's just not, it's not. Raven's awesome. We're all Team Raven here.

It's also not true about her i don't know that i would ever call her outrageously cheesy or what was it extremely edgy hilariously edgy what was it wonderful edgy craziness wonderful edgy craziness to this to this young woman no she's very sweet she's very funny she's very's very real, but she's not an edgelord. Yeah, no, I wouldn't describe her as edgy at all. No. Fucking Richard Pryor is edgy. Raven's folksy.

So they're playing darts and then they're having some drinks. Nick is talking about how he likes a woman with big personality. having some drinks. Nick is talking about how he likes a woman with big personality. And then they have an adorable conversation about how she can't cook. And he hates folding clothes. But he's really good at ironing. And then they talk a lot about whether or not steaming clothes is as productive as ironing. And it's just like a nice little moment. It was really cute. He was like, no, you've got to get the crease. And she was like, you can't crease your pants.

It was really sweet and very cute. And the conversations of that caliber, I feel like have been kind of in short supply this season, like conversations that you might actually have with somebody who you were dating. It was really cute. Also, a team steam for life life right like i think if you're the type of person that's okay with steaming your clothes you are also the type of person that's not

ever going to put in the effort to iron them so really it's steaming them or nothing griffin and i don't iron ever fuck no i have wrinkly items in my closet that i just have decided to stop wearing we i used an iron really for the first time to um him some sheet some curtains for the nursery and the whole time i was doing it i was like wow this thing really puts a fucking crease in this fabric huh as if somebody else like some observer if they watched me they'd be like yeah dog that's why they do that's why people do this. The whole time I was like, this is folded as fuck. Like, this is not going to come unfolded anytime soon. And it's like, yeah, bud.

That is why you iron. We do. We have an iron, but we use it, gosh, I don't know, once every six months. Yeah. Even that seems. All of our friends are married. Full stop. Most of our friends are married. That's not even true. Most of our friends are married. Full stop. Most of our friends are married.

No, that's not even true. Most of our friends are married. Partial stop. We just aren't going to weddings every month anymore. There was a year there where we certainly were, and it was time to break out the khaki crease. Some people would iron their clothes before they went to work. That's...

No, come on. At the White House? Mr. President Obama? No. I will say that I do have pants that I would potentially iron, but I get them dry cleaned instead. That's a good look. You got that podcast money now. It's somebody else's problem.

Fly away, little bird. Come back to me. Creased. I should do that. I've got that podcast money for days. I should just dry clean it. What would you get dry cleaned? The shirt I'm wearing now says it's your griddle bone shirt my austin brewing company fucking austin beer works griddle

bone shirt it's a good ipa griffin what is it it's yeah it's an ipa griffin bought that shirt because he had a dream that people would start calling him griddle bone it's a brand of beer from the austin beer works it's good it's called griddle bone and drank it once it tasted good it's an ipa and it's a purple shirt, and it says Griddle Bone on it. And I thought, it sounds like Griffin. It's a cool name.

Call me Griddle Bone. And now that I've said it in the pocket, that was the secret. I tried to get our dumb friends to call me that, but no. Now I need my real friends. My internet friends.

Your 10,000 Facebook friends and Rosebuddies. My 10,000 Rosebuddies Facebook friends. So now it's time for dinner and Nick is in a turtleneck. Okay. It looks very itchy. You give me a look like,

what do you think, huh? You want to fucking burn this fool? You want to tear this motherfucker apart? You just threw me like a little slab of meat. He's in a turtleneck.

There's some comedy there. You got something? You got something? I don't have anything as a fine turtlene itchy it did look itchy um look like it maybe pilled well i thought maybe you had feelings about it because you don't ever wear turtlenecks no i have a beautiful fucking throat and i want people to see it look at that that's nice thank you nick does itch his neck at one point. So I'd say. God, you were fucking watching him like a hawk. Waiting for him to fail. Ready for it.

Oh, wait. Scratch. He scratched his neck. It doesn't. You scratch and itch. Yeah. Okay. You can't itch a scratch.

You're so ready for me to burn you and Nick right now that like you're like doing it for yourself. I don't blame you. No, I'm worried about our listeners saying it for yourself. I don't blame you. You say whatever. No, I'm worried about our listeners saying. I know everybody loves you, babe. Thank you. So Nick is talking about how good she is at darts. And this is when Raven. That was cute though because he was like, you did pretty good.

She was like, until the end. He was like, yeah, until the other people showed up. And then kind of stunt for a hot minute there. It's fun. It's just so fun. They talked with words and it was good. Cause it's like the words I use.

It was good. Um, so this is when, uh, Raven kind of talks about her, her history of relationships. Um, and she says that she thought she was in love with her ex

um but they she never said it and that he only said it when he was drunk uh and nick says well do you think i mean do you think you were in love with him and she says well the way i feel about you i never felt about him uh and this is when she decides she's gonna launch into kind of her big confession of feelings this fucking love actually this and her little hand is shaking and so nick tries to put the wine glass down for her because her hand is shaking so much but then she takes it she's like no i need a drink of this if i'm gonna do this on the fucking love actually ending monologue spectrum this was was fucking Colin Firth level. Yeah.

It was very good. This was good shit. She talks about how on their first one-on-one, when she was with him, she was kind of surprised because she had a really comforting feeling when she was with him. And then she starts saying that she might start crying. And then Nick says, I might also start crying, which hair trigger, but okay. And she said that she's never felt this before and that her dad specifically prayed for, quote, an easy love for her. Which I kind of

laughed at because it's like, he's dating 29 other women. This ain't the easiest way to do it. In fact, one might actually make a pretty good um empirical evidence-based argument that it may actually be the most difficult way to do this uh and she says that um you know i really i wish i would have told you last week how i was feeling but i decided that if you kept me you know the worst thing i could do would be to not tell you um and so i have to tell you now that I do love you. Oh, so close.

The rest of it was really good. I do love you. I do love you. I do love you. Is there any way to make that sound convincing? The rest of it was so beautiful. And I do not want to take away from the, like, sweet sincerity of the rest of her speech. It's just like...

I do love you that's maybe the worst you understand that right i think it's better you sound like spock just like discovering like what emotion is for the first although that would be beautiful um and so nick gets a little teary and she's a little teary. And she says, like, very sincerely, she's like, I don't want you to think that I'm just saying it to say it. And he's like, no, no, no, no, I can tell that you're sincere. And then he lifts up his plate of root vegetables, and what's under there?

Oh, the fantasy sweet? The boner card. Okay. It's like root vegetables. He had a big plate of tasty looking root vegetables that had been glazed in something. So Raven reads the card, which talks about forgoing their individual rooms. Do you think you can do the whole thing from memory right now? Oh, God.

I can't do the first part. Raven. What's the first part? uh what's the first part we hope you're i hope you're enjoying your time with nick in beautiful finland should you choose to forget your individual rooms uh you may spend the night as a couple please use this key to spend a night as a couple in the fantasy suites love your your boy forever your boy forever a boy chris harrison forever boy and then like a real ass key like a real ass real fucking skeleton key uh and raven immediately is like um two things one i've only been with one person two my last ex never made me orgasm

nick's like okay they they showed this in no more than no less than two commercial break like previews and it's still when it happened it still hit me pretty fucking hard um which i don't think i'm not saying that to be um i definitely think you know whatever talk about i think it's the type of thing you shouldn't be afraid to talk about and it's it's it is a wild thing to talk about on this like um television show i feel like but it was i mean that's raven right she's just honest she's not gonna hold back for anything yeah i think one of the big appeals of the fantasy suite is at some point the cameramen leave and you can have conversations that are not being filmed so my thought if i were in raven's place is i'm gonna wait until the

cameras leave to have this conversation but she just goes to say it whatever yeah and nick says well i wasn't expecting that um he said what does he say i don't know i i was a little stuck did we stop taking is that your last note no i have more notes well she says like oh well you're kind of at a loss for words um and i don't know what he said after that i threw the pen down and I was like done. I was, I was literally shriveled up. Like I,

my, my appendages had retreated up. Like my legs like got sucked up into my body and my arms got pulled up to like my neck. Um, and I basically, I turned into a, yeah,

I basically turned into a log while they walk into that fucking posh ass spot that had a glass ceiling, like a glass vaulted ceiling that you could watch the aurora borealis through which like boy if you're gonna have your first orgasm from sex like that would be a fucking pretty killer place to do and then they do a teaser for next week and they say will raven's date come to a fantasy or a satisfying end yamma yamma i hope he can come through, though. I made the point that maybe this is a little technique

that she uses with men of saying... It could also be very true, yes, but it could also be like, go for the gold, dog. I've just never, no one's ever done it before, so I don't know, maybe you could. I don't know, we'll see.

You said that and like my fucking stupid cage man brain was like yes probably time to pull out all the stops then and then nick feels really good about himself and she gets she gets you know the here's a little thing i came up with it's called clitoral shouting. What was that? Yes, you heard me. I can only say it once on the podcast or else we'll get the NC-17 rating. Was the second word shouting?

Yeah. Just you bellow down in there. Yabba dabba doo, you know? Oh, I hate that. You don't hate it. Yeah, I don't. I think it's just wonderful. And I think it's wonderful.

And I think we should be able to talk about these things. You're over here just like, stop, talk. You're like the preacher dad in Footloose. Like, no talking about... Yeah, but that was about dancing. Yeah. Well, it was all a fucking... Come on. The way that Wren danced.

The way that Bacon danced. It was all a very thinly veiled metaphor for lovemaking. Even way, even way more thinly veiled than dirty dancing like way way way way way more thinly veiled you know so we should be able to have these open and honest conversations you know we should all be having orgasms each time every time 100 of the time no matter what i just hope nick can like follow through this was just kind of a weird ending to an episode of television now nick does say that he may not have intercourse with the women yes he's still leaving that option on the table it's still buck wild at the end of this television show on abc before the first part of when we rise which looks looks

pretty good i wonder if it's any good um is is this woman going to get got off by this famous and now we're gonna spend all week wondering if she gets hers did she get that nut? I don't know. I don't know. One can dream. One can hope. Fingers crossed. But the next episode of The Bachelor certainly is not going to start with, like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And the fucking, like, sun rises over the Finnish hills.

And she says, I did get that nut. He's like, it's true. She got that nut. I don't like you. That doesn't work. It's just fun to say. Sploosh. Gross. That's awful though. No, it's beautiful. Sex positive. Did she get that sploosh? Did you get that

sploosh? I did get that sploosh. It's true. I shouted real good right at it. And we encountered a bear in the woods. Hi-ho. That's what it sounds like. It's true. When you do the shouting.

There's a whole Mambo No. 5. You know what I mean? Yabba dabba doo. A lot of cultural references. That's it. In this. I get bored down there. I just start shouting my favorite TV stuff at it.

We have to go back. Lost ending season four. Crazy. This is Nick, by the way. Is he still wearing the turtleneck? I always wear the turtleneck when I do my things down there. It's like a nasty bib.

What is this voice? This is Nick's sex voice. I hate it. You wouldn't in the right circumstances. It's awful. Okay. He basically turns into Tom Waits. The full moon comes out.

He gets under those blankets and, Hey, Buddha's not up in our town. He just gets wild. I would love it if, flash forward, instead of bathrobes, they're both wearing that turtleneck sweater. They both climbed inside the one turtleneck sweater? Yeah. Or, like, the turtleneck sweater has, like, cellularly divided, and now there's two of them. No, they're both in the same sweater.

Okay. She had such a powerful orgasm one arm out a sweater grew around her that's his that's his sex sweater we've been talking about fucking dirt for like four minutes now um should we thank people for gifts that we received i think we should we received a lot of we went to the p.o box for the first time in a few weeks and uh we had a lot of exciting gifts oh fucking okay so we got alexis's shirt costume yeah because on a very very old episode of my brother my brother and me we were sponsored by a company called root suit which makes like fun costume suits uh and they made the costume that alexis wore uh her dolphin outfit in the premiere episode of this season yes we just we just have that we just have a shark outfit thank you root suit that

kicks ass what about the girl scout cookies oh my god so michaela godfrey hooked us up with well hooked me up with a huge box of girl scout treats including things that i did not even know the girl scouts were making like little peanut butter bears and chocolate trail raisins and stuff um rachel cannot eat dairy or soy right now um because of the baby uh but uh yeah boy can so thank you mckay well and it's been good treats for our friends yeah but mostly me um and that's it we got a lot of uh we got a lot of stuff yeah nice letters and very very sweet save the dates and thank you so much we won't probably be attending most of the weddings just send them it's sweet it's very cute but like we are not traveling very much these days no we we have very very close friends that are

getting married in the fall and we're already having conversations about how we're going to- Get out of. How we're- No, Griffin. Anyway, thank you all so much for listening to Rose Buddies. Hey, we did actually go pretty long on this one.

Oh, another announcement. I don't know if you saw, Nick is going to be on Dancing with the Stars. Oh, who gives a shit? I'm sorry. Just thought I would share. Okay okay that's what he's doing after the bachelor now now vanessa can ask that question and he can say i'm going to be dancing with the stars a lot of people took that to mean that he was not gonna get engaged although sean

was on dudes right so was chris souls was chris souls although that didn't really turn well yeah his engagement ended right after the show um yeah uh i can't believe rachel's still on the show i love rachel it's just like come on like we know she's not gonna we're pretty sure she's not gonna win like i'm kind of in disbelief although really i think, I think it was Korn's time to punch out. I'll be curious to see where they go. Not so curious that I will want to watch three episodes, three hours of this next week. I am dreading this. One hour is going to be show. Two hours is Women Tell All.

Oh, even worse. I know. I know. Women Tell All can be a lot. And Women Tell All, they were like, Korn versus Taylor, round two. I know, nobody wants to see round two. Nobody fucking wants that on Earth. Nobody on Earth wants that.

No. On the planet Earth. There's two ABC producers, apparently, who want that. It's a bad thing you're doing here. What are you looking at now? You're always looking at parts of my body. I wanted to see what you were drinking. drinking oh it's a dogfish head uh like a um another ipa a flesh and blood ipa it's like a grape grape grapefruit ipa thing that's good yeah uh thanks griddle bone huh

thanks griddle bone you got it it's been Griddlebone's Beer Corner. It's been Griddlebone's Beer Corner telling you about all the freshest hops and barleys. Can we go? Yes. This has been The Bachelorette. No! It hasn't even been The Bachelorette! It hasn't been The Bachelor.

No, this is not how we do it. How do we do it, bud? I'm Rachel McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. When you're ready. Final Rose. Stay with us on this journey of joy. Spoiler alert!

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