Wonderful! - Episode 1: My Football Mind Palace

Episode Date: January 23, 2016

Rachel and Griffin McElroy kick off their bold experiment in service journalism: A podcast in which they talk about The Bachelor family of products. In this, the pilot episode of Rose Buddies, they discuss the format for the show, their personal histories with it and the promising contestants in this season's haul. MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reasons! Right reasons! We are free girls, we're all the right reasons! Right reasons! Right reasons! We are free girls, we're all the right reasons! I'm the best of ret, and I'm rapping to your poolside. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. Hi, it's Griffin McElroy.

You may know us from... things. Well, mostly Griffin from things things and me from one thing. Listen, what we're doing right now is an experiment in service journalism. Because nobody's out there talking about The Bachelor or The Bachelorette or The Bachelor in Paradise or God Rest His Merry Soul, Bachelor Pad. I bet you haven't even heard of these shows that we're mentioning right now. Unless you are like 55 years old. That's probably the market that they shoot for, don't you think? No, no.

I think it's 20-something-year-old single girls. No, that can't possibly be true. No, because that's who's on. You're confused. That's who's on the show. But the people who are watching it are 30 years older than the people on the show. And they're looking at it going like, yeah, that's how young people do it. But young people don't watch that show and go like, yeah, that is how we do it.

Did you guys see this crazy new show? And it's like a complete replication of how we do things. All right, that's fair. We should. What should we talk about? Should we talk about our history with the show? Or we should talk about what the show is? Should we talk about our history with the show or we should talk about what the show is? Should we talk about the name of our show?

Because we were trying to figure it out when we were in the kitchen earlier and you were dropping like so many like gut busters on me that I was like, don't waste all these right now while we're in the kitchen. Nobody's hearing us except our kitty, Cecil. We'll get into more what the show is about, but it's safe to say that roses play a big role in how the show works. And so we were trying to come up with clever rose things. How about the Rose Bowl? The Rose Bowl. Of podcasts. How about a big pile of roses?

I suggested Kiss from a Rose. And then when The Bachelor is not airing, we could turn it into a Seal fan cast. Okay. Now that's fun. Can you give me a sampling of, like, let's start over, and I'll sort of take the backseat and let you take the lead on this, and you sort of break me off a piece of what the Seal summer episodes are going to taste like. Just start a podcast this is kiss from a rose the seal fan cast i'm rachel mcelroy i'm griffin mcelroy and today

we're going to talk about um you know who's he with uh because it's not heidi klum anymore okay that's one episode that's one episode. Crazy that you would start the series out like that. Here's a guy I'm really passionate about. His name is Seal. I'm sure you're wondering, who's he with? Not why he's culturally important and what he

contributed to the Batman and Robin movie. Most of what our topics would be, I think, could be solved through a Wikipedia page. Yeah, we would need to bring something more than that we would need to do our own like first-hand research like get on lexus nexus and like look up some peer-reviewed research on on seal like a layer deeper than wikipedia would provide maybe each episode seal versus seal it's we talk about whether seal the artist is better than a particular famous seal that we know in Hollywood.

Yes. A good podcast is all about segments. You got that one movie that had the seal in it, and they had the little girl, and I think the seal wore a raincoat. It was Andre, right? Andre the Seal Giant. I think they did burglaries? I don't know anything about this show. It was a movie.

I just remember a seal. It was a movie. They couldn't get a whole show And Andre So that's good I mean the name of the show and all the other stuff is bad But I feel like what we just said was funny And it lasted like three minutes We'll come up with a title later

That's what they do with all the best shows They didn't come up with a name for Cheers Until like four episodes in Before it was just called Untitled Norm Project When all the bar patrons clinked their glasses together and said cheers the show was originally come pie okay um so do you want to talk about the show kind of the structure of it's a very important show for me and for you you got me watching it a few years back you're like you check out this guy i was like that guy looks like a complete doucher. And you're like, yeah, he does.

His name's Ben Flajanek. This was 2012. I have actually been watching this show since 2010 and early in my relationship. Okay, well, that's a two-year leg up. You don't have to like. Early in my relationship with Griffin, I said, hey, there's this reality show I watch. I'm a little embarrassed that I watch it. As you should be.

As we all should be. Yes. You can watch an episode or two with me. I'm not committing you. And then you can decide whether or not we continue. Yeah. And that was the season with Ben Fuljanik. Fuljanik.

Can we call him Wine Man? Wine Man Ben. Oh, no. Better nickname, Oh My Dad. Oh My Dad. And Courtney Robertsonon who ended up winning the season um the the show works probably an unconventional first season watch right like you can't but you're probably too far removed to like appreciate that that was my first season

watching the show where like the biggest villain ever with like the biggest doucher wine boy oh my dad ever and then they ended up together at the end of it you're like hey cool romance show you know you say that but in 2010 the season i watched with jake and vienna vienna was very much the courtney of that season okay i guess it's not that uncommon well yeah i think traditionally every season there's a villain usually they don't make it as far as these girls did okay but yeah so so I'll say it started with The Bachelor. Now there's Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise and R.I.P. Bachelor Pad. Do you think there's people listening to this who don't watch the shows?

Like, I get that there are people out there who are just, like, so hungry for Internet content. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, give me the content, give me the content, give me the content. They don't care what it's about. We could be talking about stock car racing right now and people probably consume this first episode we will get people that are not familiar with the show okay um and then they will stop listening so then we won't have to do it anymore well thanks thanks for your support i guess um but yeah so the so the um oh sorry everybody media gaffe the people at abc select a person that is very attractive and very in shape usually a fucking loser bum from a previous season usually

white and this person will usually be in their late 20s yeah and they will be desperate to find a spouse and they will bring on i don't know about desperate to find us but like anybody who has been on this show in the lead role could get a a suitor anybody that goes on this show could get a suitor i think yeah i would just be careful with the word desperate you know what i mean like ben this season's been not oh my dad douche ben to take your and i'm going to use a word that's popular on the show to take your quote journey yeah on national television i would argue you have to be pretty desperate no way no way desperate maybe for to be televised desperate to be desperate to have like everything they say be broadcast to a viewership of millions. But it's not like Ben is struggling for trim.

It's not like it's going to be, I can't wait to touch a boob this season for the first time ever. Yahoo! That's fair. I wonder what they feel like. Oh, boy. I'm sorry I'm so sweaty. He was a very sweaty man that's that's just his disposition about him um and and so then they bring on what is it like 28 i think has been the most right a

slaver named chris harrison yes the host abducts uh a little bit less than 30 people from all around the country um of the opposite, which is close-minded, than the Bachelor and Bachelorette. And then they bring them all together in one just wacky house. And then they compete for love. And they get whittled down in just like a brutal bloodletting ceremony at the end of each episode. Or sometimes at the beginning of the next episode.

ABC, you fucks. Well, yes, there's a lot of carryover cliff that was all last season last season you didn't get a single in episode rose ceremony you're the worst abc but you're also the best thank you for this gift um and when you say compete i mean it is quite literally competition which is what makes it so interesting everybody lives in the same house and then they go on these either group dates or one-on-one dates and often they are calculated so that these people have to compete in ridiculous stunts yeah and it didn't used to be did that like no even in the time the few years i've been watching the show like it has gone full-blown like every episode is a fucking double dare physicalare physical challenge. Yeah, exactly.

It's like a relay race, and they have to pick things up with their mouth. I really liked Sean, because he sumo wrestled the other man so good. And he was really funny and a good sport. Like, that's how you win those challenges, by the way. Well, this is probably going to be a recurring segment in this podcast. This is a Bachelor or Bachelorette pro tip. If you're in one of those challenges, just fucking grin and bear it. Nobody wants to be there sumo wrestling.

Nobody wants to, like, have their balls all crushed up crushed up in like a, you know, a sumo towel or whatever they're called and then like get manhandled by a big old dude. But just smile about it and then you'll win the day. That's easy. Or stage a struggle. Yeah. And then pull the bachelor or bachelorette aside and say, I'm really having a hard time with this challenge.

It reminds me of a deep childhood trauma I have that I'm going to share with you. Oh, that's a slam dunk too. And then enjoy the challenge. There it is. You'll get that rose. Yes, you will get that rose. Or do what Joe did and just pop one nut out. Get one nut out of your sumo towel.

Joe that everybody assumed was funny just because he was willing to be nude. Yeah, just, I mean, you pop one nut out, that doesn't make you, you know, doesn't make you Yahoo serious. Everybody thought he was a funny party guy. Right. He was not. Put your nut away, Yakov Smirnoff. Nobody wants to see that today. You remember when he tried to be a villain in Bachelor in Paradise?

He can't be a villain. Yokel. Get that nut out. Yeah, he did not have the skill or strategy to be a villain. No, paradise he can't be a villain yokel get that nut out yeah he did not have the skill or strategy to be a villain no you're good at one thing and that's getting a nut out are you are you desperately trying to get me to say nut on this spot i specifically want you to say the string of words get a nut out joe i will not okay i'll not do that although that could be the name of our podcast and Get that. Hi, everybody. Welcome to Get That Nut Out.

Each week we discuss which Bachelor or Bachelorette contestant we would like to get a nut out. Or just has gotten a nut out. Or has. Just sort of a historical retelling of nut out. So, yeah, they whittle them down. There's a few things that are in every season once they get down to like half half the cast is gone they start going to foreign foreign countries except for uh chris chris didn't leave the country no no chris wanted a real down-to-earth girl that had no ambitions whatsoever had not left the

country yeah he thought if you left the country you were a foreigner and you you don't belong here anymore america's great if you leave it once that's it you're done i think he was nervous they leave the country they recognize more than ever before that iowa is really absolutely the last place they want to move to yeah um yes that's a good point if they had gone to like barcelona and then come back to iowa it would have been like well shit this is like this seems really rough now um so yeah they go to international destinations they go to uh once they get down to four they do hometowns yes they do hometowns at four people left three people left they go to the fantasy suites

which is where ben's gonna feel his first and excuse me i don't want to get blue but his first titty. And then they get down to two. And then whoever performed the best in the fantasy suites, as I understand it, that's the metric they use to pick the winner of the two. Well, and to be fair. Whoever did the most stuff in the fantasy suite, I mean. I mean, that is probably 70%. But 30% is they've actually already known and have known who they're gonna pick yeah for like seven weeks and they're just going through the motions to get their wedding and you know fancy

ring paid for by abc sure or they just need to get as as more often the case just looking at like the numbers of who has worked out in these shows and who has not um more likely they're just trying to get through this thing oh my god let's just get through this season because i'm not going to marry any of these people let's just finish yeah my contractually obligated episodes and then be done and then we'll do a little song and dance you know we sound really cynical about this i love this show with every fiber of my yeah and i don't think either of us is actually especially cynical i would say every season there is a particular match-up that we get really invested in yes and i'll tell you what makes me cynical is emily and jeff with one s that's that was the first time i had my heart broken because jeff

rolled into my fucking heart on a skateboard literally threw it into my fucking bushes and then he just walks away you can't just walk away she's got a kid they i've got a kid little ricky little ricky is my kid too they they went on a date it was one of their like european adventures and they both had marionettes for some reason. And they did a little puppet play. Yeah. Oh, God. They were standing in this huge ballroom with these little marionettes. And they were making their little marionettes talk to each other and be themselves. It was so wonderful. And I just thought, these two are going to make it forever.

They're so in love. That moment was so wonderful. To quote RuPaul's Drag Race, another show that we should do a different podcast about, I flooded my basement. And yeah, and they didn't work out and i would say every season part of us always thinks this time they're gonna work out when whitney rolled up to the scene in chris soul season i was like winner right there drafted her winner there she is drafted her she was the winner and and i was so happy for him now she didn't quite make it though did it you just casually said drafted her we haven't talked about the fantasy

draft which i don't know that we can get into i'm sorry i meant that in like old timey i drew her um in a like my drafting pad i did a drawing of her in my drafting pad to just try and capture her beauty uh but but yeah we also do a fantasy draft where we pick particular contestants that we think are going to be successful and or bring us a lot of points there's a whole scoring system it's not really worth going into our friend it's absolutely worth going into our friend chris plant wrote an article about this we've we've both tweeted it you can you can find all about it i facebooked it i don't know if i tweeted it god i'm a bad friend yeah i'll tweet it right now do you want to talk about the first

episode that we watched on monday i think it'd be important to do that like i think we've done a lot of good groundwork here um i think that we have a nice opportunity here to like get people on board with the bachelor right now like start start the season with us watch it experience it with us we have to yeah we should yeah you're not behind you can watch this first episode on abc's website or on hulu uh and catch up um this first episode you get to meet ben who is the bachelor who i mean already met him. I already know this dude like the back of my hand. That's the other thing about this franchise, is that they will pick their next big star from the previous season.

So they have the lock of fans already knowing who they are and being invested and already getting all over social media and saying that's who they want. So Ben is from Caitlin's season. He is very white bread. That's kind of a mean thing to say well i can't think of a single thing about him that makes him different from anybody else his name's ben i mean i'm just saying he's only like the second or third guy named ben who's been the star of the show so the last guy wasn't named ben he was named chris and the guy before him was named juan pablo and that's a far cry from ben

the first episode we go to his hometown we meet his parents we see that he was a footballman uh and i he sells software and he's 27 28 i think he's younger than me i And he's 27, 28? I think he's younger than me. I think he's 27. Ugh. And that is all we know about him. He does allude... His hair is short and dark, and the last guy's hair was kind of lighter and a bit longer.

He does allude to having been hurt before. And in the previous season, we learned that he worried at one time that he was unlovable which is ridiculous like no no dude no look at you like i don't i everybody's got their own like bag of tricks tucked away inside of them and i don't want to be like the kind of person to be like you're handsome so shut the fuck up yeah but ben no he's a very good looking man. Rachel? But not remotely funny. Babe. From what I can tell.

Oh, good. Oh, that works. So you've got that. Oh, cool. And my name's not Ben, so. Yeah, you've got a two syllable name. Got all kinds of ways to separate me and him. Yeah. But other than that, we're basically the same, right?

No, you're wonderful. Listen, I'm not crazy about Ben. But the Bachelor, has there been a good Bachelor? Other than Sean, who developed really nicely, like a nice cheese. Well, and Sean didn't even seem particularly good during his season. No, but now he's kind of a goofball. Yeah, now he's kind of publicly an interesting character maybe is there a strategic reason that abc would do that that would make their star kind of bland

except for well it blew up in their face with juan pablo juan pablo wasn't bland are you kidding me that's true juan pablo was set up to be juan pablo we were all rooting for you to be like this dynamic and exciting individual that the show had never like had before. And then you ended up being the shittiest dude. Because we had this conversation about Caitlin. We loved Caitlin. Yeah. During the previous season.

Everyone did. And then when she became the Bachelorette, at least for those first few she was she was not the person that we had come to well that was all editing like i yeah i think you can make an argument like why edit somebody to be less interesting well because her arc during that season wasn't the interesting girl it was like abc like slut shaming the hell out of her and like that was the arc of the season at that point and then like the the really poorly conceived love triangle but like you saw that like after the credit shit in every episode like she was doing goofy shit that's the caitlin i wanted not the i had sex one time during the show that was not in like the designated sex episode abc and so like

that has to be like the entire arc of my narrative for this season no that's a good point last season was gross and it almost made me stop watching the show. It was, it was, but I don't think I'll ever stop watching. And last season I ethically had like a, I should probably stop this thing. I should,

I should, I should probably hop off this wagon. Like Juan Pablo was gross cause he was like a gross dude. Yeah. Um, but it, this went beyond the like individual grossness and the, the machine, uh, revealed itself gross dude. Yeah. But this went beyond the individual grossness, and the machine revealed itself to me. Yeah.

They turned it around a little bit, but there was like a, ugh, it got kind of yucky there for a while. No, it definitely did, because this is supposed, I mean, obviously it's not the real world, but it's supposed to be real world people, but they don't allow them to exist as a normal person would exist where you would actually want to be intimate with somebody prior to getting engaged and or being the day before you get engaged. Well, you know, I keep it clean. You use that dirty talk. You know what that is. I keep it clean.

But then you follow that up. The next, the very next thing in their family of products in the schedule is Bachelor in in paradise where i watched a dude get his dong jerked off in a hot tub that was joe joe he got a nut out didn't he literally he literally got a nut out uh joe joe anyway the show can be very gross sometimes yes why did we start talking about that oh we were talking about that? Oh, we were talking about... The origins of Ben. Yeah, we were talking about Ben.

I think we'll learn more about Ben during this season. No, and I think maybe ABC sets it up that way of like, we want you to fall in love with Ben as the girls do. By which you mean like, let us learn a single thing about him, other than the fact that he's been hurt before and he's never felt abreast. So what happens that first night all the ladies come out of a limo and introduce themselves and usually have a particular gimmick so that they are memorable because after all there are over 20 of them and they could potentially get sent home that

night we mentioned roses only like sort of constant rule except for that last episode that last episode you want the ring. Every other episode, you want that rose. You get the rose, you're safe. Don't get a rose, you go home. And there's a thing called first impression rose where if you have a fun gimmick when you get out of the car or most of the time if you just have like a deep convo with the main bee, then you get to keep. You get the first impression rose and you get to stay.

It's sort of a big badge of honor right like you what what were you saying about how like the person who gets the first impression rose doesn't usually win the show yeah there was just statistically i think in the past maybe only two people in the like i don't know 30 seasons of this show that have gotten the first impression rose have ever been picked at the end. I forget the season I watch. In almost every season, everybody comes in. It's fine. They go inside. They have drinks.

They all talk to each other for 15 seconds at a time. And then the bachelor or bachelorette makes the decision, gives the rose out. I forget the season. I want to say it was Chris Soules during the limo exits. As a girl came out and said hi, he was like, wait right here, went inside, got the rose, gave it to her right there. Yeah, I think that was Chris.

Baller move. And I was hoping we would see something like that from Ben, but no such luck. No, no, not at all. Kind of dragged us heels a little bit. So let me just really quickly go through some of the gimmicks because we took notes. Yeah, some of the good characters.

And these notes were for tactical purposes. Yeah, because we had to pick our team for the year um i think i'll start with brianne who brought out the basket of bread and then like beat the shit out of a loaf of bread because she is gluten-free yeah she's a fitness enthusiast and thought the best way to make a first impression was to come up with a basket of bread that ben thought oh hey thanks for the snack and she said no no gluten is the worst i think she said gluten is the devil yeah that sounds and what and then she was like and what do we do with the devil and ben was like i don't know that's like a crazy what do we do with the devil that's like a crazy question and she was like oh we break it over a fountain We like hit the fountain with it really hard until the bread falls apart.

Yeah. And I understand wanting to be memorable, but I don't understand how this revealed anything about her personality other than she is a psychopath. Brienne went the fuck home, which is like good. She did. Yeah. And the funniest part was when she came into the mansion with her basket and everyone's like, oh, did you bring snacks?

And she's like, no, no, no. Gluten's the devil. And what do we do with the devil? We beat it? That's right. That's right, Jubilee. Oh, yeah. We'll get to Jubilee. Izzy came in footie pajamas, and she said, quote, you're the onesie for me.

I thought that was cute. She went the fuck home, too, didn't she, though? She also went home. Roseless. Roseless. Because most of these girls are wearing evening gowns. Yes. To show off that sweet, sweet treasure that Ben

has never experienced before. Yeah. And I should also say, I'm going to keep saying girls, and I'm sorry about that. That's not me. We'll try and do better about it. If I have to say women, then... I will. I'll say women. Jackie arrived... You're saying it affectionately, like, these are my girls.

Yeah. I understand that, too. That's why I call all the boys on the show my boys. No, it's like a hashtag squad thing for me. Okay. Jackie brought a wedding invite with her name on it and Ben's name on it. That was a power play. And the date, I'm guessing, of the finale, she just estimated...

I don't know where she got that date from. I remember it said march and i remember thinking holy shit did we draft jackie oh my god we drafted jackie we did well we were we were late that was our third round pick yeah not great um i don't feel especially good about our chances this season that's fine for me i like the show more than the game uh who else had a hot i had a hot exit uh laura who is the only red-haired girl this season, came out and said, quote, people call me Red Velvet. And he was like, yeah, I'll call you that. Yeah, was estranged.

Aunt Laura. Yeah. Bye. Since you packing, didn't he? Well, there were four Laurens on the show this season. Yes. And he couldn't have, like, he could track those, right? Like, if you have four Laurens, that's a nice like round number of Laurens.

Yeah. And then you toss a Laura on that and it just gets confusing because like is one of the four Laurens a Laura? Is the Laura one of the four Laurens? Yeah, not only are there four Laurens, there are two with the last initial B. So there is a Lauren this year

that has elected to go by LB. And can you imagine that conversation the producers had to have, like sit you down, like listen. Only one of you can be Lauren B. Yeah. How did they decide that? They had to, like, flip a coin, right?

There's no way this woman is called LB. Because that, you know what that means? Fucking pound. That means pound. That is short him for pounds. Oh, I didn't even think about that. Yeah. That's fucking crazy.

No way is a person going to be called that. No, she set herself up for, like, some mean jokes. Like, some mean, mean jokes. Yeah, there's no way is it gonna be called that no she set herself up for like some mean like some mean mean jokes yeah there's no way this person went by lb she was sat down like oh yeah welcome to the show by the way you're lb now good luck competing with that handicap that's a shame um one of the lauren's lauren r was the one that came up and she appeared to be a little intoxicated which is another thing you'll see a lot on this show is people being a little bit drunk but nobody acknowledging it because it is a constant in the show yeah and she kind of slurred a little bit and said come find me later

i have something special to show you and did not i think introduce herself i don't know yeah but in her defense he could have just assumed her name was lauren yeah at that point you're you're looking at a four in 28 so what is that one in seven chance that the the person you are looking at the woman you're looking at her name is lauren yeah and he had not met for lauren's up to that point so really you should have deduced and what's the thing of like the let's make a deal where like if you have three doors and you pick one of them and then one of the doors is taken away and you know the prize isn't behind that one you should change your mind absolutely when you just have the two doors left like at that point he had reduced the number of women that were there

he assumes i'm saying mathematically she's definitely 100 lauren and she was she went home though didn't she did go yeah so now we have three Laurens. Never got to find out what her secret surprise was. Did we? Yeah, I don't know. It's hard to tell. At a certain point in the night, they stop showing you the names of the contestants and they just do kind of a quick run-through of interactions that have happened

and so you don't really know if you're seeing the people again because, oh, they all look alike. Which is part of it. But same rule applies to us there's a fucking embarrassment of lauren's there's a murder of lauren's you can just assume that it was a lauren that did the thing what was her surprise what was her secret i don't know i gotta know let's hypothesize maybe she had a full cut maybe she pirated the independence day well here's a full movie on hand a clue We know her career involves something with

social media. Tumblr 2. Tumblr 2. Still tumbling. Oh, was she the one that said she stalked him on social media? That's a bad surprise. I have a note that says social media, which makes me wonder if that was the one who admitted to looking him up on Instagram and Facebook. Bad secret. That's why you came in fourth place of the Lawrence. You lost the lauren race the one i liked a lot and you weren't especially excited about was leah i thought you're gonna say rachel like really no leah came out hiked a football and when he caught it said uh i knew you were a catch and i like that i mean that was okay but what i liked most was his reaction because Because as soon as he held that football.

What fucking crazy thing did he say? He was something like this, this, this is my comfort. Or like, this is my comfort mechanism. Or like, this is when I, when I feel comfortable. This is my mind palace. And he really did look noticeably more relaxed just holding that football. My pigskin resort. And I just thought, and then later in the episode.

My, my ovular hot tub my stitch face lover uh later my security brown ball later in the episode they show him playing catch again like that was her thing she realized like we are always going to have this moment where you like football and i happen to have a football and your little pockmarked buddy it's good to see a football that's going to i mean uh uh uh lauren lee laura how many times is he gonna call a woman by the wrong name in this season and just like lauren just throw up a lauren yeah no you definitely have to throw up a Lauren. Yeah, yeah. No, you definitely have to throw up a Lauren. Although LB will know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not talking to me. You didn't say LB. Yeah, actually, if you say, if you call LB Lauren, she disappears like a genie. That's how you set her free. Yeah, I wasn't crazy about Leah. She got snatched up by our friends Cassie and Johnny in round two, which I was fine with. It was a toss-up between her or Lace, right lauren h is who we ended up with god there's so many fucking laurens on this show we even talk about lace lace lace becomes the villain in this first episode and the exciting

thing about her is that she comes out of the limo says close your eyes and then kisses him and says i wanted to be the first kiss which Which, if genders were reversed, would be like a real, real sleazy move. A really, really disastrous, illegal, bad, bad move. I mean, and still is pretty sleazy. Yeah, it sucks. Especially since his whole thing is like, I don't want to kiss any of the women this season. Which they didn't know. To be fair, the girls did not know that.

Yeah, but that's why we don't do that shit in real life. That's why I don't walk up to people and kiss them in real life and be like, you gotta fucking tell me she didn't want to kiss anybody today. God, now I feel like an asshole. No, that is true. The show, now what's interesting, I think, about the show is that people come on aware of the history of the franchise, and so they just think certain things were okay. Like, oh, you're going to want to make out with me because that's why you're here.

That's why we're all here. Yeah. And Ben makes very clear to Lace later in the night, like, hey, I'm not going to jump into that. Which is a really uncomfortable moment on this television show because everybody's expecting it. Like, you want to be among the first to get those smooches because they are going to be everywhere. Chris Soules was a fucking smooch machine, wasn't he? Yeah. Oh, boy, smooching all the time.

Women would come to his private little getaway and would just smooch him on his bed. Smooch him on his bed. Ben has never done that in his life. No. No, Ben is... Ben has never gotten a smooch on his bed except from his mommy at night-night time.

And Chris was doing that with all kinds of women. That may be how he's been hurt before maybe he's been hurt before because women have tried to smooch him in the bedtime and he's like this is just for my mommy that's a great i hadn't even thought about that so like to continue the metaphor during this last season of bachelor in Paradise, we watched Joe get a smooch at bedtime? In the hot tub? Is that just what we're going to call being intimate now? He got a smooch out.

Okay. He got a nut smooch. Oh, no. That's so much worse. That's the worst possible combination of the two. I just really quickly want to go through Megan brought a pony. Fuck yeah, she did. That pony was the MVP.

That pony was the goat. You remember that pony stepped on a woman's dress and she's like excuse me you're standing on my dress like that's a pony it doesn't know what you're saying and and megan was appropriately cocky about it because she was like oh what there's twins here whatever i got a pony talk about the yeah there's twins there's there's two girls that are all the women were like how are we gonna compete with the twins like how are you gonna that are born on the same day. And all of the women were like, how are we going to compete with the twins? Like, how are you going to, like, are you thinking like, hi, Ben, and we know you're not going to smooch anybody this season, but do you want to make love to us two sisters at the same time?

Like, is that what, like, people think twins do? They seem to be playing that up. No, no, no. They seem to be like, hey, we're twins. No, no, no, no, no. They to be like hey we're twins no no no no no they did not i disagree at no point where they're like what happens in twins stays in twins oh so then tell me about the time where one of them differentiated themselves from the other by revealing a detail that was unique to her no they definitely said we're twins what i'm saying is that when the when the other one were

like how are we supposed to compete with twins? It's like, that's two people. Like, what do you assume? Like, what is the inherent strength of we're twins? Like, if you and I weren't married and I was dating sisters, that would be like, if I had the option of dating two sisters or one not sister, I would not date the sisters because that's crazy. You guys are related. I would not date the sisters because that's crazy. You guys are related. But see, you're pretending like you're not aware of kind of the cultural enthusiasm that men have for twins.

That is a that's like a bizarre fantasy. That's like a bizarre fantasy. First of all, it's gross. Second of all, it's a bizarre fantasy because what siblings are going to be like, yeah, let's party. Yeah, let's do that thing. Like it doesn't happen. That's crazy. And why would you want that to. Like, it doesn't happen. That's crazy. And why would you want that to happen?

They're siblings. I just think if I... Fucking weirdo. And it's not going to happen on an ABC show where God knows if you have sex before the sex episode, then you're sent to the fucking Phantom Zone for the rest of the season. Unless you're in Bachelor in Paradise. Unless you're in Bachelor in Paradise, in which case, like, get your nut out. It's episode six and you haven't gotten your nut out? We're running out of time. I just think... This is why Bachelor Pad is canceled, because, get your nut out. It's episode six and you haven't gotten your nut out? We're running out of time.

I just think... This is why Bachelor Pad is canceled, because nobody got their nut out. Is that how you want Bachelor in Paradise to go? To be a nut-free failure? It's sweep-sweep. I just think if I were Emily or Hayley, one of the twins,

I would have immediately said, hey, I'm the one that likes softball and old episodes of Murder, She Wrote. And then the other one could be like, oh, I'm more interested in ice hockey and doing macrame. Wow, those sound like two cool women with a lot of neat, neat interests. But then you would know, oh, that's how these twins are different. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, you've said that there's no distinguishing, like, feature between the two of them.

I posit there is a better twin, and I want to do a count to three, and at the count of three, we both say who we think the better twin is, and I guarantee we'll say the better twin. All right. All right. I'll go one, two, three, and then after three, we say it, right? One, two, three. Haley.

Haley. Okay, I guess not. See, do you remember, what are you basing that on do you remember anything distinguishing about them haley's face is a little bit more symmetrical i thought haley was the one who we saw her picture and we're like oh she's gonna be trouble yeah and so you're excited about haley yes although that was before i knew she was a twin okay i can't say i don't know why my mind works but when we asked the room who's the better twin and like everybody was on team Hayley, I think you're being actually, I'm going to

be a little bit contrarian right now. I just think Hayley looks like trouble. You're trying to be a little bit hip? I like Emily because Hayley looks like trouble. Okay. Rachel, who is not me, who is a character on this season, came in on a hoverboard and said that she was- And it burst into flames and she died. So she didn't get a rose a hoverboard and said that she was in a flames and she died so

she didn't get a rose that week because she said she was on cloud nine which i think it's kind of a strange was that like a hoverboard like thing yeah yeah it was like i'm hovering as if on a cloud and i am on cloud nine okay well hoverboards are illegal so she didn't actually die but she should be in jail. Wait, they're illegal? Yeah. Like Amazon doesn't sell them anymore. They're little fucking improvised explosive devices.

They're really, really super dangerous. They're landmines with wheels on them. If you are out on a hoverboard, can you get arrested? Yeah. If a police officer sees you, you're endangering everybody around you, riding around on that Claymore mine with two wheels on it. It's extremely dangerous. People are dying out there.

Oh. They don't sell them anymore they're fucking illegal they're they're little crime boxes well we're lucky nothing happened to her on that wet pavement i know they wet that pavement down they get it real real slick and then they put you on the most dangerous vehicle that exists i mean it's kind of badass right like i guess if you're ben and you want like a danger lady you yeah you would be hard-pressed to find somebody i wish she had like shot for shot done what jeff did like she picked up the hoverboard and threw it and then it fucking like exploded and like leveled the second story of the bachelor mansion which looks a little rough we noticed like from the front did it i feel like it's starting to show it's where yeah i the outside, the facade of that is basically like a house that you would see at like a mini golf course. A lot of like really kind of like shoddy looking plaster work.

A lot of stuff that's just kind of fun. Yeah, it seems kind of Spanish inspired, but not in a way that was done expensively. Yes. So I think those are mostly. I mean, there are some other. There was a girl that came out and spoke Russian. Shoshana? Shoshana. I was into her, but I didn't, like, that can't be your exit where it's like, hi.

She spoke in Russian the entire time, and her name is Shoshana, which I think is a beautiful name. I think it's a beautiful name. If your name is Shoshana out there, I think it's a beautiful name. But when you speak Russian and you say the name, you say the words, hi, my name is Shoshana out there, I think it's a beautiful name. But when you speak Russian and you say the name, you say the words, hi, my name is Shoshana in Russian, it all kind of sounds like Shoshana a little bit. So it's hard. He couldn't like pick out what the name was. And he actually was like, oh, thanks.

It's nice to meet you, Shoshana. Because he didn't know where names started. No, but she did still get a rose. Or no, she didn't. No, she did. She did. She got drafted. She did.

Oh, man. Yeah. So yeah. So no, from what we know, they did not speak any English to each other. Yeah, I don't think we saw them chat. She still beat several girls. A lot of women that I actually, I, so we have a system on the fly where we, you know, put little notes down in that first episode.

We used to draft immediately after the limos. Thank God we didn't do that in this episode. Cause I had like four women that I was like crazy about during their limo exits that if we had drafted them, like we would have lost our whole team episode one. Cause he sent home some women that I thought were like, that were on point. I thought red velvet, Laura. Really?

Really? You're going to send her home? Jennifer? Who you like, dog, Jenniferifer who you ogled in the moonlight and you can say you didn't ben you can say you didn't ben wait did she not get drafted no she got no look oh she did she stayed okay she stayed like boobs stayed she got like straight up ogled by ben which is like i think that was less from like a sexual point of view and more coming just from like a curiosity like a like a boy coming just from like a curiosity, like a,

like a boy who like there's a lizard that somehow got into his classroom. And so he spent the whole day just looking at the lizard, wasn't focusing on his homework. Um, he's never seen a breast before. I meant, and then I'm not saying that to make fun of him. I'm saying he's never seen a breast before.

How can you be sure? It's just in fiction, in the fiction of this podcast. I'm a hundred percent. Okay. Ben doesn't know like what's going on in there in the shirt zone. Okay. No'm 100% sure. Okay. Ben doesn't know, like, what's going on in there, in the shirt zone. Okay. No, I think that's true.

And that's totally, totally cool. Yeah. I want to point out, that's totally, totally cool. Yeah, I mean, it's going to be a rocky road for him going forward, because I imagine there will be a lot of swimsuits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then... When do you think he starts kissing?

You know, probably first one-on-one date. I bet he'll get the smooch out. That's bullshit. I bet he'll get the smooch out on first one-on-one date i bet he'll get that's bullshit i bet he'll get smooch out on the one-on-one date do you remember when japes jp juan pablo was like i don't want to smooch anybody for a while oh because i have a daughter to that one woman who had a who had a child and he has a daughter and this woman had a child what was her name oh lulu lulu no i don't remember her name but but she's great. She was, like, everybody's favorite. And he was like, I don't want to kiss you because you have a child and I have a child, and what if our children see?

And she was like, oh, that's so sweet. And then, like, 14 seconds later. Yeah, gosh, what was her name? I don't remember. I don't remember either. She was great. This season. What a fucking horrible season, though.

What a jerk. As far as we know right now, there's only one woman, and she has two kids. Her name is Amanda, and she is a contestant. But that's a thing that happens every season. Another thing that happens every season, there are repeat contestants from previous seasons. So we have Amber and Becca, who have both been on seasons of The Bachelor before. I didn't remember Amber at all when she showed up on Bachelor in Paradise. I don't think she lasted very long. I think she on chris no she made it pretty far in bachelor in

paradise no but on chris's season oh i see i see uh yeah i didn't remember her from chris's season at all but she hung in there quite a while in bachelor in paradise um but i guess the the time tested bachelor in paradise formula did not work for her and be Becca was actually the runner-up on Chris's season. I see, and that feels like a new thing, a new piece of wet spaghetti that Bachelor is throwing against the wall because Nick was the runner-up in the last season,

and then Nick was in Caitlin's season. Nick was the runner-up in Andy's season and then was in Caitlin's season. So I'm starting to think there's a second place bonus now that they are trying to codify as an official rule, which would mean that, no, it couldn't be Nick again. Nick was the runner-up in Caitlin's season.

Nick can't come back a third fucking time. So they better not try that shit again in the next season of The Bachelorette. No. I think, I mean, imagine abc contacts these people and says hey we're going to give you the exclusive ben's the bachelor are you at all interested in coming back and then if they're not doing anything because they've all got to be buddies right yeah yeah i mean they make it sound like there's all these like exclusive events that you. Yeah. These parties they go to and they hobnob.

And. They get nuts out. There's nuts out that they snack on. Yeah. No, that time we were talking about like actual legumes. And. Okay. It's thirsty work podcasting, isn't it?

It really is. I think we can start like sort of drawing to a close. I think we got a lot of good front runners this season. Well, no, actually, it seems like kind of a bad lot of people. Like when we were drafting, we were having a real problem coming up with the women. Yeah, the woman that everybody wanted on their team was Olivia. Olivia, the Austin, Texas ATX. She got the first impression, Rose.

She's a news anchor. She came out and she, Rose. She's a news anchor. She came out and she was like, I get a little emotional. Let's talk about, she's a news anchor in Chattanooga, which is a pretty decent market. It's a pretty middle of the road market for news. And she said she was a lead anchor there. And she left her job to come be on The Bachelor. This is just like shop talk.

I don't understand the significance of this. The significance is, I forget the numbers, but I used to know that when i was in in broadcast journalism school something like 190 markets total and markets means like you know how like we don't just have like austin news like we get other counties and stuff so like each state might have a certain number of markets depending on how big it is so say there's like 190 markets how many lead anchors are going to be working at each of one of those 190 stations not a lot right like the total number of jobs for lead anchors is like 400 maybe tops and then you have like weekend anchors and shit like that it's a very small job pool to fucking bounce for that to be on the bachelor that seems crazy to me i mean you know she's probably banking and she's probably

right she'll be able to get a job like that again after this show assuming she doesn't embarrass herself and she didn't she's she's a class act everybody wanted her first draft pick went to went to yeah she got all nervous and flustered when she met him and she commented on his dimples and then she said i have one dimple and they both grinned at each other and he gave her the first impression rose uh other front runners lauren b flight attendant um i thought that her intro was just so-so but then they had seemed like had a pretty good convo and then olivia got the first impression rose not lauren b kayla i'm very much into uh i think she has a great uh attitude a very nice personality uh she did leave her boyfriend after seeing ben on caitlin's season of the bachelorette

which is one of the most bonkers things I've ever heard somebody admit to on this show. Rachel, I'm sorry. I have to leave you because... I saw RuPaul's Drag Race. I saw Mandy... I saw Milk on RuPaul's Drag Race. I saw Milk on RuPaul's Drag Race and I was like, I gotta bounce.

I'm so, so sorry. But look at Milk. Now you understand. I... I flooded my basement. I flooded my basement. I flooded my basement. She's got a great face, great personality. Yeah, she ran out and she jumped and made him catch her.

And he was like, oh, that was so nice. And I was like, that was so nice. Boy, I would like to draft her. She got snatched out from under us, though. Yeah, she seems fun. She also sells software, so they could spend a lot of time talking about software. What kind of product manager? Do you scrum? Yeah, I seems fun. She also sells software, so they could spend a lot of time talking about software. What kind of product manager are you? Do you scrum?

Yeah, I scrum. Do you scrum? Yeah, I scrum. This is what people sound like. So anyway, there are three frontrunners on this season, Kayla, Lauren, Bea, and Olivia. Oh, we drafted fourth. Pretty cool. Yeah, we did not get a tremendously good pick.

One pick we did make, though, was Lace. And you may remember from earlier in this podcast, she is the villain this season. At least that's how it seems. She was completely unsatisfied all night with the amount of time and attention she was getting from Ben. Got a rose at the rose ceremony? It was like, why don't you make more eye contact with me at the rose ceremony? Yeah. And to be fair, it was very clear that it was like five or six in the morning by the

time they were finishing that evening. She may have just been a little tired. Oh, and super drunk. And a little tipsy. That first night, I can't imagine what a gauntlet that is to get through. Because you know they don't feed you. You know that is a liquid lunch and probably liquid dinner and probably liquid breakfast. But she was talking.

They make you drink a glass of champagne at the end of that first rose ceremony at 530 in the fucking morning. It's torture. It's torture. It's really, really rough. Yeah. Well, and you're drinking in the limo on the way to the mansion. Yeah. You've got a good 18-hour drunk that you are then like coasting off of the edge of.

And you're just hoping you didn't say something super duper racist yeah yeah so i think i mean people that get trashed or kind of judged harshly but it's i mean it is all you have to that would be me i know that 100 for sure if i rolled up on that show when i get nervous i get i drink and then i would probably try and make jokes like about the nature of the show. Yeah. And when I would be drunk, like that would be, that would come off very bad.

Yeah. And then I would be probably sent home before the rose ceremony. Yeah, there's no television. There's no social media. There's nothing. You can't connect with the outside world at all. You can't speak to your loved ones.

You are sitting in that house all day and they have given you unlimited alcohol. You can swim and gotta swim that's a survival that's a survival instinct another mackerel pro tip get in that pool that cold water is going to help you sort of stay sharp yeah and also if you have a like if you are well put together you got a tight body you're gonna let the bachelor or bachelorette see you in that every single person every single person does yes definitely kept it tight yeah um so yeah i think we can talk about the like draft rules and the rules of the show maybe in a later date just like sure to keep people up to date anything else people need to know if they've never watched the bachelor before and like this podcast is sort of the midwife

for their birth and to this wonderful and occasionally kind of yucky new world i don't think so i mean what you're going to see a lot of this season you're going to see a lot of editing to have a drink to suggest to you who the what's wrong there we go that's talking juice is what i call that um you're going to see a lot of editing to suggest to you who the front runners are who the villains are um who's a good commentator but not necessarily a good contestant. It's usually pretty obvious. Like who the winner is going to be

is usually pretty obvious, except for Sean and Catherine. Wouldn't have called that from a mile away. No, that's true. Because that snowball didn't start building until like eight weeks in. And then they're still married. They're still together.

They're expecting a baby. That's the secret. That's the fucking secret sauce. Sometimes it does happen and it happens in week eight when you've gotten to know a person for two fucking months which i would say probably bare minimum you would need to decide like whether or not you wanted to marry somebody and it's like that's a bare minimum yeah and then the other thing you're gonna see you're gonna see a lot of competition between the women uh they're gonna turn on each other it's gonna happen fast they're gonna get rosie o'donnell's gonna show up and like cover him and gack at some point

and make him like dig for a flag and a giant pizza or something like run around in a giant gerbil yeah there's gonna be some bands that you've never seen but the contestants will all appear excited about to have them playing unless it's the fucking cranberries like it was last season in ireland cranberries playing in a cathedral in ireland are you kidding me of course i would have had sex with nick too of course I would have had sex with Nick too. Of course I would have had sex with Nick too. Of course I would have had sex with Nick as well. And yeah, I would say it comes across as a gross show about gross people.

But I enjoy and look forward to that show more than a lot of things in my week. More than most things in my week, I would say. Well, we've made it fun. Yeah. Because we have a big group of friends that we all watch it with, and we've turned it into love football. And also, between the two of us, we usually drink like a bottle and a half of red wine. Yes. Which, you know, I'm into that.

Yes. It helps. That's another McElroy pro tip. But this one's for the viewer, not for the contestant. Drink, just drink some red wine. Get some chocolate. Treat yourself. Treat yourself real yourself real nice you've earned it it's been a hard week on monday yeah it's like i mean it's like what i imagined in the old days was like a trip to the hair salon you know you get some good gossip having it at the end of monday yeah because

it's like that first workday usually blows but then you have like a fun thing to to to wait for that night it's like a little a little two hours a weekend by the way the show's two hours long prepare accordingly i mean at least two hours at least two hours long sometimes it now there's like an hour-long talk show afterwards which i usually can't hang with no they bring on celebrities that are fans of the show to talk about the show and sometimes it's interesting like josh molina was josh molina it's always fun to be like oh lauren lapkus like is really into this show that's really great um i love finding out that other people are really into this show but at this point they are now our competitors to this podcast yeah well and there's no structure to it

either so you're just watching a bunch of people that don't know each other sit on the couch and talk about a show they're kind of embarrassed to be watching. Yeah. And then they take callers. I wouldn't recommend watching that last hour. But if you're new, perhaps it'll give you some insight. Yeah. We got to wrap up because I'm a fucking hungy boy and we haven't started cooking dinner for each other yet. We do Blue Apron. This podcast is sponsored by Blue Apron.

It's sponsored by Audible. It's sponsored by Loot Crate. It's sponsored by DraftKings. It's sponsored by... Getting a Nut Out. Casper. Well, Getting a Nut Out. It's not like a company that sponsors every planters mix nuts they don't they are not big uh nature box has they have nuts that they sell so you're actually going to list real people that advertise on your show are you sure you want to i'm not just our show like every we've we i don't think we've done draft kings i'm worried the content of this

podcast draft kings brings you the new hit Bachelor podcast hosted by Griffin and Rachel McElroy, and the title of it is Rose Buddies. Oh, that's not bad. Oh, that's good. Wow. I really just flipped that one off the dome. Rose Buddies or Rose Buds?

We could do it like two... Rose Buds with a Z? With a Z, that's good. Oh, that sucks! All right. Rose Buds. two rosebuds with a z with a z that's good that sucks all right rosebuds with a z or rosebuddies i like rosebuddies rosebuddies okay but we're not buddies we're like spouses i mean we're buddies but like we do like fun stuff i mean we're buddies first i guess that's true thanks for listening thanks for listening to Rose Buddies. Maybe tentatively titled.

And we'll be back after the next episode airs. The next episode will probably be shorter. We had to lay down a lot of groundwork. Let's go eat some food. And so that's our story That's how it goes But who will get the final rose Stay with us on this journey of joy

Spoiler alert She ends up with Soulja Boy Right reasons Right reasons To be the fall of our season