Wonderful! - Episode 4: The Forbidden Solo Date

Episode Date: January 26, 2016

Griffin and Rachel discuss the hidden talents of each contestant as revealed in Week 4: CAILA-001's aggro-sensuality, Lauren H.'s unique kiss texturing, JoJo's ability to track and kill a wild white rhino on the Las Vegas strip and, of course, Olivia's ability to fit four to six Nintendo 64 cartridges inside her head. MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reasons, right reasons. Me and pretty girl were all the right reasons. Right reasons, right reasons. Me and pretty girl were all the right reasons. I'm the best of it and I'm rapping to your poolside. Here to find true love. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy.

Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. And this is the Rose Buddies podcast. That's not... It's very formal. That's how you would find it if you were looking for a podcast in a library. Hello, can you direct me to where I could find the Rose Buddies podcast, please? They would say, oh, that's under TV biographies. This way.

Use the Dewey Decimal System. Biographies. Yeah, don't you think? We're like a biography of The Bachelor. Don't you think? We're also a fit in the Dewey Decimal System. Except we know almost nothing about anything. It could be a mysteryimal System. Except we know almost nothing about any of them. It could be a mystery, because we don't know

fucking anything about any of them. Can you solve the secret identity of these 18 women? I certainly cannot. I'd like to think that we're in between Roger Ebert and Leonard Maltin. I like to think that we are Gene Siskel. No, wait. Gene Shallot? I like to think that we're two Gene Shallots.

Yeah. And this rose has thorns. That's the only one you would have, wouldn't it? Yeah, that'd be it. What a fucking action-packed thrill ride of an episode. I kept thinking, they're gonna end it now. It's gonna be a cliffhanger. It's gonna end

now. And it kept going. They got a lot done. There were two solo dates, a group date, a two-on-one date, and a cocktail going they got a lot done there were two solo dates a group date a two-on-one one day and a cocktail party and a rose sesh at the end of the episode um a lot of that came at the expense of poor old jojo who's just been waiting her turn waiting in the aisles sweet jojo and she got her solo date and then that solo date was let's go through the whole solo date because we can literally do it in the span of this podcast i've picked you for the solo date and then that solo date was let's go through the whole solo date because we can literally do it in the span of this podcast i've picked you for the solo date how great i can't wait to spend time with you let's get on this helicopter oh fuck this helicopter knocked over

our table with champagne and now there's broken glass all over the ground that was pretty great okay let's get the helicopter where are we going to i think they crashed it into a building where dinner was waiting for them end of of date. Oh, fireworks. And they were in Vegas. They were in Vegas. The whole thing takes place in Vegas. They didn't go on a special Vegas date. Every single lady on that show went to Vegas this week.

But I've never seen a date, no kidding, maybe four minutes? Yeah. Start to end? Yeah. Front to back? I can't remember anything that was said on that date that was notable they kissed and there were fireworks but it was literally they do you think there was a too hot for tv actual date that happened between because you never just go fucking

mode of transportation to pretending to eat there's always like you there you try to break like the ripley's Believe It or Not record for longest on-screen kiss in there or you pretend to get married but you actually marry other people or you go bobsledding or some shit. You do some low ropes activities and then you go to dinner.

I know. Well, I think they knew they were going to dedicate 33 minutes of this episode to Olivia and they just knew that JoJo was going to have to sacrifice her time on screen. I think they had time on screen. I think they caught it because it was too hot for TV. I think they went to like a Las Vegas dick party. What does that look like?

It looks a lot like a casino. But you know, in the slot machines. Uh-huh. Dicks? Yeah, mostly. Do the dicks come out of the slot machines uh-huh dicks yeah mostly so the dicks come out yeah like the handles you pull for the slot machines and you know like the wheels go around and like they when they match up you like if you get like three bars in a row you get like a bunch of coins so only the handles are dicks right but the wheels are also dicks and the coins are dicks too how does that currency spend it doesn't it's dicks it's like really actually imagine it in your mind's eye a bunch of dicks coming out of one of those it's really really bad

and that's exactly abc like did it like why the fuck did our producers plan this date where did they find this serial killer bone collector that made this dick slot machine? Bone collector? I know. I know. That's why I said it. I think that something heinous happened on that day, and I won't rest. I'm calling a private detective.

I'm sure there's a lot in the Las Vegas, Reno area that can get to the bottom of this. Where did he take her what did they do we actually learned we had the closed captions on we learned that jojo's full name is joelle i think we i feel like we knew that her middle name her middle name joelle that's how she got the name jojo what if they hunted a white rhino they hunted and killed and collected the ivory of a white rhino. And that was just too hot for TV? Yeah, well, legally hot. Not hot.

Like, I doubt that anybody would get any sexual satisfaction. I actually, I don't want to. We're putting this on the internet. Someone who gets sexual satisfaction. You think Ben's a big game hunter? I think that's a sport, isn't it? Game is in there. He does like sports.

I think he was like, JoJojo today i'd like to take you on you know how i love sports right and she would say like yeah yes of course i do be like well there's one sport i haven't tried and it's killing an animal the size of a car and then taking the ivory and i'm gonna turn it into a necklace for you and she's like that sounds okay actually then they did it but then abc we've been watching a lot of Unreal lately. Yeah, yeah, we're maybe three episodes into Unreal. It's a show about terrible people doing terrible things, and that's typically not my jam.

But it's also a show about The Bachelor, and that is my jam. The Bachelor. And so I think that I can see Constance Zimmer pulling the strings from behind the scenes, the puppet master, behind the curtain, pulling strings as puppet masters are wont to do. Oh, you know what we're forgetting about with JoJo? What? She did say on that date that her previous relationship was a year and a half, and it ended five months before the show. She said they had trust issues, and he said, did he cheat on you? And she said there was another person that he was giving more of his time and attention to.

And one of our friends that we watched The Bachelor with was like, oh, you mean his wife that maybe? Yeah. And all of a sudden it was like, oh, JoJo was maybe a mistress? Maybe? Maybe? I'd rather be a mistress than an illegal big game hunter in the in the wilds of las vegas though no tea no shade no pink lemonade we're talking out of our asses right now i like jojo a lot yeah she makes a she makes a face when olivia tells her some garbage shit she makes a

face that i wish i could like dip uh an extra thick like you remember those like gold uh uh tostitos those tostitos gold and they're like extra thick so you can get like a hearty scoop in there i want to dip that into her sass face that she gives olivia and serve it at the super bowl um it was the shortest date ever and which is uh we don't have jojo on our fantasy team two Two other teams do, so we are doing okay. Yeah, she seems like a strong contender, but she... There's not a lot of fireworks there, although there were fireworks on the date. So I'd say literally there were some fireworks there.

I guess there were some fireworks there. Moving on, what was next? The group date? Group date. Oh, this group date. Hey, America, have you gotten enough ventriloquists and puppets on TV? Because The Bachelor has some for you. Who is the guy?

Terry Fader. I thought it was Jeff Dunham at first. We all thought it was Jeff Dunham at first. My balls shot upwards into my body. They're somewhere in my sternum right now. I'm going to have to fish them out later. Because I saw a puppet and a man holding the puppet. And I was like, dun-dun!

Yeah. But no, it was some other guy. And my balls were like, is it cool to come out? And I watched part of his thing. And I was like, no, you guys just chill in there for a bit. I'll let you know when he's gone. Because boy, howdy, it was some rough stuff. He made a joke about his puppet's breasts.

You can't. There's a sacred bond you have with your puppets. You can't sexually harass them. They have no agency of their own. I don't understand America's interest in ventriloquists. I don't get it. I can't believe it's still a viable career

in Las Vegas. Do you think and let me know if you want me to edit this out of the show. Okay. Do you think every ventriloquist, when they reach the level that, what's this guy's name? Terry Fader. Terry Fader or Jeff Dunham.

When they reach the level of fame and success, first of all, sub point, that guy's puppets look like dog shit and so do Jeff Dunham's. Your puppets look like dog shit? You're a billionaire? Make better puppets. Yeah, I know.

Second point. Do you think a ventriloquist, when they reach a certain level of success, have a special puppet that they definitely have sex with, but they don't act with it? There's no, like, they don't act with it. They don't take it on stage with them. It's their special puppet. Period.

It's their special puppet. Do you think it's still regular puppet size, or do you think they make it? Yeah on stage with them. It's their special puppet. Period. It's their special puppet. Do you think it's still regular puppet size? Yeah, no, no. It's not like a real doll. It's just like a puppet that looks like shit, like all their shitty puppets that they're too rich to have. But the only difference between these puppets and Jeff Dunham's racist-ass shitty puppets is that this particular puppet

he has set aside reserved for himself for lovemaking. I mean, I would think definitely. Yeah, okay. I don't think there's any question about that. I don't know if this is you being real with me or not. No, I think you spend enough time. It's like a workplace romance. or not no i think you spend enough time it's like a workplace romance yeah i actually never finished the office because i got really fucking conceptual there at the end and honestly hard to follow

so so group date talent show they show up jeff dunham's there my balls disappeared terry fader terry fader was there he revealed, we want all you to do talents. I have a bunch of props. This is not an uncommon group date. I feel like every season there's a talent show. But this one was for the benefit of Terry Fader's, I guess, 1200 nightly fans in Las Vegas. That's a lot of fans. That's a big show, man. Yeah. He's putting up huge numbers for a guy I've literally never heard of. He's like, come on up and take your pick of some props. And I was like, well, this is not going to be good.

First of all, Jubilee was like, I'm going to get up there. My girl Jubilee still burrowed even deeper into my heart this episode. Dropping so much realness. And that was the careful choosing of producers. There were just the right props for a lot of those women because she found a cello yeah jubilee in this grab bag of costumes found a cello she's like i play the cello it's like damn jubilee you are full of surprises uh the twins did a irish dance they did an irish river dance which i've never seen twins do a river dance before all everybody we were watching with was actually like okay that was fucking sick yeah it was like that was really tight good on you twinsies

uh lauren b juggled uh kayla did some kind of hula dance um there was a woman dressed as a clown that was on a pogo stick i couldn't tell who it was one of them was doing stunts where she was like hitting tennis balls at the girls and knocking things off their heads. And they showed that for like a fraction of a second. And I was like, hey, you dumbass editor of this show. That's literally all I want to see. Yeah. Is women hitting things off of each other's heads with tennis ball tricks.

That seems sick to me. Can you please show more of that? The highlight. And then Lauren H wore like a chicken costume and made jokes, I think, that were chicken related. Oh, no, she sang that old McDonald's song, but replaced it with. R.O.S.E. Rose. Oh, fuck. And then I would say Olivia really.

Stole the show. Really takes the cake. Oh. Really takes the cake this episode. She did a cake based thing. Yeah. We'll get to it she spent this whole date like i've got a little something up my sleeve yeah all the women were practicing on stage and olivia's pulling out these like red sequined and feathered things and everyone's like what are

you up to olivia and she's like just you wait i've got a little surprise. I've got a little something, something to show him. That's a great Olivia impression. It's not bad. It goes on like this, and it builds and builds, and she like, it's not just to the other women, it was like behind the scenes, like over the in the moment interviews where she's like, I'm just really excited

to just get out there and show them what I've got. And she's doing like little shimmies for the camera. Like, she's really teasing. Let me break off a little taste, a little teasey-tease. I'm going to do a little of this and maybe a little of that. And she's got almost her whole body out. And then they wheel out a cake.

You know it wasn't going to go good. Because in the previous, like, this next episode on The Bachelor, it showed her having a full-blown face to floor panic attack yes um so you know that's going to go yeah and she's wearing the costume you see her in so you know it happens soon um i thought she wasn't gonna go out at all yeah they made it seem like maybe she wouldn't even go on. Good God, if only. If I could turn back time. Fuck. That was the worst thing I've ever seen a person do. She pops out of the cake.

Slowly. Have you ever seen a woman come out of a cake? I haven't, except maybe in boner comedies from the 80s, when the things like that actually happened. You know, boner comedies, boner romps. Okay. They would make movies back in the 80s. They called them boner romps?

Well, not to your face, but they were boner romps. Except she did that, except extremely slowly. She climbed out of the cake and just kind of sat on the edge of the cake for a while. At one point, she tried to get back into the cake and then she said yes it which lets you know like how hard she was crushing it and she did a little shimmy shake but with the confidence of a person that like just learned how to stand up it was very baby duckling this is this is the woman who is billed as a news anchor. We know that she is used to being in front of the camera.

And it seemed like she was maybe going to crush it. And then she was the most uncomfortable. It was like a sparkle motion. Like the opposite of a boner romp. No, it was like watching a 10-year-old girl in flag corps try to do like, Oh, daddy, would you like to see my boom boom, yeah? I'm gonna shake my boom boom, yeah. Here I go, I'm gonna wiggle for you.

It was the worst thing. And Ben fucking couldn't hide his feelings like it was i this was a good ben episode for me yeah he needed one after i ain't that white he needed to come back on my good graces and i'm not saying that him like making an embarrassed face is enough for the racial travesty he committed last week, but it was a small step in the right direction. He just fucking burrowed into it. He just crashed into those hands and just disappeared. And she came out to do some crowd work.

Read the room, Olivia. They hate it. We all hated Olivia. all hated Olivia. Yeah, there's something to be said for, you know, halfway through a performance, realizing you don't have the confidence to pull this off and just bailing. Because especially on

The Bachelor, you get a lot of points for trying something, failing, and knowing you failed, and just bursting into tears immediately and getting some real good sympathy points. But she just, she follows it through, looking miserable the whole time.

He hugs her. She comments later, like, you gave me a pity hug. It was brutal. It was really rough. She has a meltdown backstage because she's like, I think I really just fucked up out there.

Immediately after the challenge, she's like, I'm having a panic attack. Yeah, she recovered very, very quickly. And then she tried to pivot in the post-humiliation group hangout, where she was like, I just did something that I never do stuff like that. And it's like, none of those women do stuff like that. None of them open up for fucking Terry Fader on the strip for 12K.

She's like, I'm not good at being showy which seems a little unbelievable you're a fucking news anchor it's you eat you eat because you're showy yeah that's that's garbage one of those women got up and dressed up like a chicken and told shitty jokes that's not her like reg actually sees a kindergarten teacher that might actually be her day but the fact remains a lot of people were outside of their comfort zone. But they didn't act like fucking babies, sexy babies. And then she's talking to the camera. And she starts putting various digits in her mouth. She's like, oh, I think I really messed this up.

And then puts her hand in there. Put a finger in her mouth. She put like three fingers in. And it's just like, what did I do? Puts another finger in. I can't believe what just happened. Another finger. It was like the most compulsive thing I've ever seen.

But it's like, you gotta put something in there, right? You gotta put something in it. Like a table lamp. You know what she should have done as her talent? How many Nintendo 64 games do you think she could fit? Like cartridges, do you think she could fit in her mouth at once? Which one's Nintendo 64? It's that one.

You see Mario Kart right there? Oh, four. I would say four to six. No, but you know what she should have done for her talent? Huh? She could have been the puppet. She should have had the Terry Fader guy sit there, and she would have moved her mouth a lot like a puppet because she's got that big puppet mouth.

God knows Terry Fader would have enjoyed that fucking creep. I think she should have gotten out there and busted out Blast Corps. I think she could have busted out GoldenEye 007. I think she could have busted out Mario Kart 64, Super Smash Brothers, and Pokemon Snap. Five. Jammed them all in there. And people were like, holy shit, she got five N64 games in there. That's amazing. What would you do as your talent?

I always think about this on the episodes when they have to do a talent. What would your talent be? We've been watching a lot of RuPaul's Drag Race. A lot of, a sickening amount of RuPaul's Drag Race. Yes yes a lot uh i would get out there and just read the other women oh i would lay them down low that's a really good call i would reduce them to cinders do you think ben would go for that ben would love that shit are you kidding me yeah i

guess you're probably right his his his bar for comedy is very low, it seems like. Yeah. I think he would have loved the shit out of my particular takedown humor. No, that was smart. And we have a lot to go on, obvs. Mm-hmm. Because we're doing this show. Mm-hmm. Who got the... Oh, Lauren B. got the rose on that date.

Put in the work. Yeah. And Kyla001 put in some moves. She's getting very aggro sexual yeah she she she brings a fierceness to the kiss game that like i've never they were like walking when when you take somebody away when the bachelor takes you away to like have a sit down talk there's like a certain like body language battle that happens between she like sat down and was inside of him she she inspired ben to say directly to the camera that she was a quote sex panther

so whatever she did in that moment to harness that energy it worked ben was buying it ben liked it but maybe she had a tennis ball in her mouth and she passed it to his mouth. And he was like, sports. We also saw little Ben on this date. There was a puppet modeled after Ben. I don't think. And then somebody kissed the puppet. Was that. That was Lauren H.

That was Lauren H. That kissed the puppet for Ben. And then Lauren H. Goes in for a makeout and feeds. Lauren H. Does a maneuver. Feeds like half of her and feeds like- Lauren H. does a maneuver. Feeds like half of her hair into his mouth. I can't-

If you didn't watch last night's episode, imagine you're holding the left side of your hair in your left hand, and you reach in to kiss somebody, and you put your hair in between your mouths so that he's just getting a big, big, big wad of hair in there. It was the craziest. Like, I know that the secret to good kissing is changing the texture and heat of each kiss. Wait, tell me more about that.

You know, you drink, like, some hot tea, and then you go in for a kiss, and it's hot. But what's that behind the couch? You have a secret bottle of ice cold Arizona iced tea. And you drink that and you're like, hey, let me get another kiss. And you confuse them. Ah, what? I was expecting another warm kiss. But no, this one was very cold.

Is this week's sponsor Arizona iced tea? No. No, this is just. These are just your kiss tips. Yeah, I figured we could give out dating tips on this show too. Oh, okay. We're still feeling out the space. You know, sometimes you let your lips get real wet.

And you give them a kiss like that. You get the wet lips. But then you purposefully go like 30 minutes without taking a drink of anything or licking your lips. And you let them get just super duper duper dry. And then you kiss them like that. Whoa, they're super dry now. It's all about adding the texture.

It's all about adding the temperature and flavor but flavor is another lesson why saying she put her hair in there to add a weird texture maybe he liked it i mean he seemed to they really they really went to smooch town was that their first kiss oh god who can say who can fucking say he has really turned into a kiss machine from night one and he was supposed to be the kiss-free bachelor. I was very excited. Let these women talk for once. Yeah. So that's the group date. And then it's Becca, right?

Yeah, Olivia stole him away a second time. And he was like, you've got to stop this. You have to stop this. Yeah, she keeps apologizing for her performance and how bad it was and he keeps telling her it really wasn't that bad which was very nice of him to say very very sweet of him that's got kindness uh i think olivia like olivia is not the villain right we can say that right olivia is just like olivia is just a fucking weird beard and that's fine like i'm usually very much into that it's just a weird position where they try to a fucking weird beard, and that's fine. I'm usually very much into that.

It's just a weird position where they try to make the weird beard be like the villain just because the rest of the women aren't getting along with her. But as we said last week, most of the women seem very mean, like very exclusionary. And so I think that that is the case. I think that Olivia is getting a rough editing treatment. I think she says a lot of whack shit, but not like mean shit. Amber was saying the most mean shit.

Yeah. No, Amber. At first, I was really I wanted to see Amber in a kind light and assume that she was being manipulated into taking these mean actions. But over and over again, chose her making little comments, just kind of little jabs here and there. And the reason she didn't get the villain treatment is because she would say around the other women. And the other women would be like, yeah, fuck Olivia. Like, all right, cool. Cool house.

Yeah. Becca's solo date. Becca's solo date. Becca's solo date. So the funny thing about Becca's date, all the women know right away that it is going to be a wedding-themed date because a big box shows up with a wedding dress. And then Jubilee says something really funny because there's this whole thing of like, oh, they're gonna go and and ben's in vegas and they're gonna have this wedding date and jubilee is talking about becca and how

she is a virgin and jubilee says well you know if she hasn't lost it in 26 years it's not gonna happen today it's not gonna she said it's not gonna happen in six hours yeah fuck yeah that's awesome i also love that becca got a big box with a wedding dress in it. And I made the joke of, wouldn't it be great if there was a note in there that was just like, Becca won. That's it, everybody. Go home. Ladies, go home. It's cheaper to fly out of Vegas.

That's why I brought you here first. Everyone, go home to your respective cities and houses, except for Becca. Of course, you are now my bride. Surprise. Surprise. This is happening today. He gets down on one knee at the chapel and says, will you marry other people

with me? Yeah. He says he's ordained and they're going to marry people today. Funny goof. Very much into it, Ben. Maybe don't do it to the person who was the runner-up in the last season of The Bachelor. Yeah, I mean, this is a show where the goal is literally to get proposed to,

so it seems a little cruel. Maybe you gave her some flashbacks to the time that that did not happen to her last year. Yeah, she rolls with it, for sure, but you can see there is that moment on her face, like, oh my god, what is happening? There was some forced stuff.

It didn't feel good. The Becca and him thing, although they did get in a motor transportation and then a thing happened and then they went to get dinner somewhere else. Supporting my theory that Jojo and him had a secret weird sex date. Yeah, I'm curious about that. I'm curious about that, too. If you're a producer on this show and you're a fan of the podcast, thank you.

But also, what they do. Big game hunting. Big game hunting. Hunting the most dangerous game, Las Vegas. Aerialists. Aerialists.

Oh, that is a dangerous game. Fucking flipping through the air. It's like, pull. I bet they're tricky to get huh they dress up in like a giant baby outfit and you don't know where to shoot them at in that thing um uh so they they um perform four to six weddings it seems like we lost track they it just wasn't popping between the two of them it didn't feel like they went in for a kiss and she was like, this will be us one day. And I don't even think she believed that shit. No.

The thing that happened Oh my god. that Griffin made sure that I made note of. There are a few couples they seem perfectly nice couples they have some kisses, they say I do. They perform a ceremony that binds

them legally for life. And then there is a couple. A young couple. A very pleasant looking couple. He looks a bit nerdy. She looks very shy. And they get married.

I don't know how to describe what happened. You know, you said it really well earlier. So he does several kisses. He does a few kisses, which, first of all, one to three. This is a marriage tip. At your wedding, one to three kisses. You may now kiss the bride. You may now kiss your.

My dad, who married us, said, Rachel, you may now kiss your husband. And she was like, all right, tight. Here I go. Our first kiss ever. No, I'm just kidding. We kissed a lot before that. A lot. A lot. It was like, all right, tight. Here I go. Our first kiss ever. No, I'm just kidding. We kissed a lot before that. A lot. A lot.

It was like, done. His shit. I don't think it was even that many. I think it may have been two. This fucking guy goes one to the left cheek, one to the right cheek, and then like 17 in the middle real quick. So you said he was calibrating, which I think was a good way to phrase it. You're like, where is the center?

Here it is. Let me kiss the nose. Triangulation. I must kiss you on the perfect parallel. She seemed really resistant to it. I think he was. As she should. He was not getting the signals.

Because he just did a whistle-stop tour of her face. It was rough. The whole date was rough. She still got that rose, though. Yeah. It was going so bad that I was, like, certain she was not going to get the rose. So after that, they go to this neon graveyard in Vegas where all the old neon signs were. Ben asks her how this time is different than last time.

She says, I care so much more. Ouch, crystals. Yeah, sorry, Chris. And then he actually, he wants to check out with her. Hey, I know you're a virgin. I'm not. Is that okay? And she's like, oh, yeah, no, it's not.

I need to find a guy that isn't, you know, the whole time, you know, thinking about, and she's like, oh, you know,

like jumping, jumping bones. And he's like, oh yeah, you know, like, like, or something,

something, there was jump their bones came into it. He said jump their bones. And then like literally in the same breath where he said jump their bones, he's like, cause God does factor into it, which is like chase your bliss, stand in your truth, whatever. Maybe not in the same breath as like jump their bones he's like because god does factor into it which is like chase your bliss stand in your truth whatever maybe not in the same breath as like jump their bones

i mean son of solomon gets pretty sweaty but i don't think my dog is like i jumped her palm her palm tree like bosom as the the olive oil of her flesh anyway read your bibles folks uh and then they make up little vows to say to each other and she says that she'll always tell him he's great uh pretty good vow yeah and that i mean that was it it it seemed like i mean she's a bad date yeah i agree like a bad date so she was on chris soul's season she seems a lot more into ben than she was into chris um that's not true. I think so. She was the fucking runner-up of that season. I know, but she never seemed into Chris.

It seemed like he was always chasing her. I guess so. She's not very interesting person. She seems perfectly lovely, but this is a show about big personalities. And it's like maybe she just has a regular personality

and it's just getting lost in the shuffle a bit but more than that it just doesn't seem like they they get along very well yeah i just don't understand why she came back i don't understand why she came i don't understand why fucking anybody comes back to she's 26 years old you know she's not at an age where it is you know less common to be single seems like she should try her hand at a less invasive form of dating there are things that happen in this show that are i can turn my brain off and just enjoy them and then there are things that happen in this show that just you see that you see those constant zimmer strings getting pulled so tight and you see like the craft of it all and it actually makes the show a little

bit less enjoyable for me because I have to pretend that some part of it is real and shit like people coming back the fact that it happens every season is fucking crazy to me because if they're trying to say this is a show where a person picks between

26 people selected from half of the world's population and it's like then you pick fucking amber and becca again from the world's population yeah is it just nobody's coming out to audition for these shows anymore like what's the fucking deal i i really think it's like uh it's like a way of cementing your audience of like did you like last season did you like be your audience of like, did you like last season? Did you like Becca? Well, she's back. Did you like Becca, who wasn't especially exciting, and Amber, who literally nobody remembered who she was until she was in Bachelor in Paradise?

Yeah. It's a weird system. Nick, I get, because Nick is kind of like that. You get that bad boy. I guess he's got a handsome face. Bring back Nick. All right, Nick's back, everybody. Ooh because Nick is kind of like that. You get that bad boy. I guess he's got a handsome face. Bring back Nick. All right, Nick's back, everybody. Ooh, Nick's back.

And you have that whole metafiction of like they met at a party once and then they had this thing going. This time it's just like, here's Amber and Becca. You know them. You love them. Do you love them? I love them. I want to stop talking about this because I want to talk about the twin state. We saw it a mile away.

I think I literally said in the last episode this exact situation was coming yeah so emily and hayley i've been complaining week after week that we don't know anything about them we just know they're twins and how do they expect to ever become close to ben if they don't differentiate themselves well ben ben listened to our episode last week he's like good point griffin and rachel i can't date siblings that's fucking crazy and they're in they Rachel. I can't date siblings. That's fucking crazy. And they're in, they happen to be in Emily and Haley's hometown of Las Vegas. Do you think they knew? And they're like, we're going to Vegas.

They're like, ah, fuck. I don't think so. I would. Hometowns is not something that happens this early ever. No, I know. But this wasn't a hometown. If it was, it was the shittiest hometown date literally ever. Their mother.

Yeah. That's pretty intense. They went, the date was, he literally got them in a whip. They drove to their house. He chilled on their beds with them, hung out with their mom's sick, sick looking dogs. Yeah, the fattest dog. The fattest, most unhealthiest looking dog since i've ever seen in my entire what if at the end of the credits is like this this episode is in loving memory of that

dog of hambone we miss you hambone um uh god those dogs look so sick oh my god these rotten terrible dogs anyway um they they went to their house. And, like, if you thought JoJo's date was, like, moved at breakneck speed, like, brace yourself for the most slapdash two-on-one, which are usually, like, these bloodsport, drawn-out battles to the death. Yeah. And I thought for sure they were gonna have a whole episode a very twins special dedicated to this and it lasted like eight minutes it seemed like housekeeping

like okay uh we gotta give it a three roses and then i don't know figure out what the twins the only thing i can figure is that they told ben like here's how it's gonna go down and ben was like fuck that no way i'm not gonna torture these women in front of their mom what the fuck's wrong with you and so they got very little usable footage can you imagine how that must have felt that must have felt like hunger games because he took each of them aside had like i don't know maybe 10 minutes and they both must have known the whole time like it showed them each one of them talking to their mom like how's it going with you like it's going bad moms yeah it's going super shitty she's like tell me about

i have two dead dogs lying on me so so prior to this all we know emily was the soccer goalie in last episode and she killed it holy shit that makes so much more sense now i was wondering what data he used yeah because we have no reason to think either of them is in the lead. But all of a sudden Emily is on the bed with Ben and talking about how, you know, I know I feel like we're getting closer than you and Haley are. You know, and I just, you know, I know it's hard for Haley and she's having a hard time. And you're like, what is she talking about? How could they be closer? This is the first solo time we've seen with either of them with ben on camera hayley's

solo time is they walked into a room and he just kind of like walks around like pointing at things like oh these are your friends is this your boyfriend your ex-boyfriend she's like oh yeah that's my ex-boyfriend and then he walks to the other side of the room is like this is also your ex-boyfriend and she's like yeah i don't know why they didn't take these down who's they it's your fucking room yeah in your mom's house i guess which seems they're 23 it's not great but it's whatever but they have little kid beds that's not like based on that data that hayley's still in love with her ex-boyfriend and that emily is fucking super good at stopping balls and going from nets going in the the nets. Well, and then he talks to their mom, and their mom says-

Emily, take her. Emily is the dominant twin. Which I thought was interesting. She said that like it was such a common expression. Like there's always a dominant one. Well, yeah. Everybody's a dominant twin that they ate their other twin. Most of us, when we come out, we're just singles.

Craft singles. It's because we ate the other person. Well, I am an only child. Yeah. Well, you were until you... I mean, you were a twin. You were a twin. You absorbed a twin in the womb. Most of us do. What about...

So the twins that both survive... Just weren't hungry. And that's why they're not winning Bachelor, because they're not hungry. They're not hungry enough. They're not putting in the work. So yeah, so the mom says, Emily's the dominant one. Haley takes a while, but once you get to know her, she really warms up. Well, Ben doesn't have that kind of time.

No, he does not. He cuts Haley. He is a man on a mission. He cuts Haley. He like sits them all down. With their sad dog. It's Emily. It's Haley. He like sits them all down. With their sad dogs. It's Emily. It's Haley.

It's Emily and Haley's mom. It's their four just decrepit dogs. Yeah, just four just grotesque ground up mutants. And he sits them down. He's like, I can't progress with both of you because I've been listening to a podcast and there's a young man on that podcast who told me how fucking crazy that is to date siblings and how gross it is

and so I can't move on unless I say goodbye to Haley just like right there, just like right in front of the dogs and the mom and the sisters and God and everyone yeah, so everybody starts crying but then Emily's kind of like they get in the lim everybody starts crying, but then Emily's kind of like, you know, they get in the limo after it's over,

and Emily's kind of like, yep. Yep, good call. It's me. But she doesn't get a rose. She doesn't get a rose on the two-on, which is fucked up. She does get a rose at the rose ceremony. What's more fucked up is she's not gonna win.

No. And they have to know she's not gonna win. He should have sent them both home. That's fucked up. Like, when they were crying, I felt emotional. I felt sad. Not because I had any, like, thought that they had any sort of romantic connection at all. But it's their sisters.

And they probably hang out constantly. And now they can't. Because she don't get a cell phone in that house. And now they're separated. Yeah. Because of Ben's selfishness. And he's just going to send her home, what, next week? Probably. Was that worth the sisterly schism? Absolutely

it was not. Well, you know, I don't know. He did say he was attracted to both of them. Good luck unhearing that. Yeah. It was a bad situation. It was a dumb idea. I get, like, why

at first blush, if I was a casting director, you know what we haven't done yet? Twins. Yes. That's a great idea. Let's do twins. And then that's the last thing you heard about it, and you didn't have a single other person there to be like, oh, no, that's actually not going to work at all. It's not even going to be good TV. It wasn't good TV.

No, it wasn't. Fucking nothing happened. They didn't talk ever. No, because they were perfectly nice women. Like, they weren't... I think the producers maybe expected them to be, like, a little more... I don't know, competitive or feisty with the other ladies. But of course they were.

Like, that's what I was talking about after that first episode. When all the women were like, we gotta compete with twins? And I was like, how is that a fucking advantage at all? Yeah. It's not. They're two human beings that have the same parents. Well, that just speaks to the contestants this season, right? They're so paranoid about anything being an advantage.

Oh, yeah. It's also, like, I could also see, it's why I don't think that the real bachelor is as mean as unreal makes it seem it's because in unreal these twins would have like you know talked shit about each other and like you know backstabbed and if the show is as uh scripted to be as horrible as as unreal would make you think then i think the twins shit would have gone down in a way, way gnarlier way. It was still gnarly, but not for the reasons I expected it to be. Just how much it petered out. And I knew that was so not worth it, gang.

Yeah, it wasn't a date. That's what was so sad. It was presented to the twins of like, he wants to spend some time with both of you. And they just go to their house and get ambushed. And then ritualistically picked apart. What happened to the cocktail party? Anything?

Almost nothing. Olivia tries again. She brings some cake and says, I'm not good at jumping out of them, but I sure can eat them. I bet you can. And she tries to apologize again for her poor cake performance. And then Ben is like, oh, no, I think it's endearing. You're cute. Don't apologize.

Please stop apologizing. Stop fucking apologizing. Yeah. She says, I'm falling for you. Yeah. To Benjamin. And Ben's like, cool. Okay.

All right. And JoJo's like, what'd you do in there how first of all jojo with a weird line of questioning how did you start in there is that something that they all say and you just don't see it on camera i'm assuming that olivia and jojo are actually relatively close and olivia's like hey hey tonight i'm gonna go back to ben i'm gonna tell him i'm really serious about him and so as soon as she got out jojo's like like, well, what did you say? How did you do it? She's like, I'm falling for you. And she's like, JoJo says some dope shit.

She's like, I wouldn't say that unless I knew it was required. Well, and she also says, like, we haven't done a lot of talking because we've had these really passionate moments. But we haven't had a lot of time to talk. JoJo, I want to dip some fucking Frito scoops in your face. Which was just like making clear, like, we're too busy making out. We haven't really talked about our relationship. Jubilee, Jubes was talking about her doubts. A lot of like necessary reassurance.

I still love Jubes. Don't get me wrong. And then he's like, no, like, I feel really, really good about us. Yeah, you're pretty, you're smart, you're funny. Like a big hug. It was a real sweet moment. Yeah. Big Jubilee fan.

Yeah. The more, the more, in the preview for next week, it makes it seem like she has a bit of a step backward. And it showed Ben, like, talking to Jubilee, like, how do you think that makes me feel? So maybe things aren't going to, you know, stay this good. But, like, for a minute there in these past two episodes i've been thinking like what if she's the next bachelorette like i'm pretty sure it's gonna be kaila 001 because she was engineered for it but if if what

that one director said that they were going to have a diverse bachelorette like it could be jubes i really like her i feel like she she plays, really well to the camera. And it's like super duper endearing. She kind of reminds me of how like when Caitlyn wasn't the Bachelorette, she was just like a contestant. And how I was endeared. Yeah. So constantly. Yeah. But if she got put through the Bachelor machine, maybe all the goodness would be juiced out.

Good point. So Amber and Rachel go home this week. Typically when women leave, you feel sorry for them. And they show Amber sitting on one of the lounge chairs by the pool, just really having a sob fest. And I like couldn't feel anything at all. Couldn't feel it, no. Because she was just like super duper mean.

And she never seemed really into Ben. She just seemed to hate the other women. I don't even think that's true. I think that another miracle of editing i i think that they just maybe just tried to make her seem that way if they did they did not do a good job i feel like you're seeing a little bit of that semblance of puppeteering happening it's just not very good like there aren't that many good characters no that's true like none of these women actually seem like villains i think that's what's so weird about this season. Usually

there's some women and they say some really awful shit and you're just really comfortable in thinking like, oh, they're just not really nice people. Right, that happened with Lace and then that happened, that lasted two episodes and Lace was like, I'm just actually super, I'm a really uncomfortable person. Bye! And I think that's part of what

feels so icky about this season is that the women aren't bad. They're just capturing their worst moments. These women are so bored. They are. Can you fucking, Chris Harrison, would you just throw a big Sudoku book in the front door and just like watch them just claw at it? They should get like a big thousand piece puzzle they get to work on. Just give them something.

Let them all have a bunch of big jawbreakers that they can suck. Give them some sort of like... Like a correspondence course. Let them learn calligraphy. Let them sort coins. Did you know inside of every coin star there's actually a bachelorette in there?

You dump all your coins in and they're like, oh good! This feeds into the Kyla 001, right? actually a bachelorette in there you dump all your coins in and they're like oh good this this feeds into the kaila 001 right yeah she's the best at it um uh it was like we've been going on a while uh it's just like so much shit happened this episode yeah it felt it felt like a lot was accomplished which i'm glad like i think that there aren't that many great characters this season. And that probably means once they whittle them down a bit, they're going to keep Olivia on forever. Rachel still was second guessing my draft choice of Olivia, despite the fact that she was our number one point getter.

Despite the fact that she didn't get a solo date and is kind of incompetent. She brought a lot of points this week. She gets a lot of face time and obviously they're gonna keep her on forever like that's a lock till at least the four or three position um but i feel like it's gonna slow down pretty bad just because you don't have you don't have those like big strong personalities so much and i think they're maybe moving through shit a lot faster than they usually would um as a result of that like well there's still some people there that i don't know anything about like jennifer is still there yeah i don't know really who she is leah is still there nothing

um and we have not seen almost any time with them so i haven't seen much amanda either yeah i think she did some stuff next week yeah yeah i mean there's still a lot of ball game left to play um i'm feeling much better about our fantasy league though yeah lauren we got three points last week it was very very bad this week we got what 59 yeah it's pretty good yeah lauren b and uh Ben really kind of cemented their relationship. I mean, he gave her that rose on the group date, and then she kind of affirms to him that was the greatest date. And he says it really in the Twitter. You juggled in front of the crowd there to see a pervert puppeteer. Well, no, she's talking about their hot tub date as the greatest.

They're still reminiscing on that. Where they chilled out in a hot tub in a post-apocalyptic nuclear wasteland. Yeah, she's going to win the show. She's going to win the show. Olivia's going to make it to four. Top four will be Olivia, Kyla, Lauren B., JoJo? Yeah. I mean, that seems solid to me.

I still am not convinced Olivia will make it that far, but... She will. I mean, I see why you would... She's at least going to make it to Destinations. That's for sure. I'm not talking about Las Vegas. Las Vegas isn't a destination. What about Jubilee?

Did you leave her out? I don't think she's going to make it to Top 4. You think she's going to remove herself? I think she's going to have a bad week next week. That's all I'm going to say about that. And I'll be heartbroken. I will be heartbroken i think she's earned more like endearment credit with the crowd than like probably anybody else this season so we know at least she'll be in bachelor in paradise

yeah but that's a double-edged sword because you can make a real boob yourself in paradise i can't imagine jubilee would want to do bachelor in paradise that seems like exactly the kind of thing that she would not like she She already hates all this, like... I think she would fucking thrive. Are you kidding me? This lady stuff. This, like, we're all ladies together. Well, yeah, that's because there's only one man.

Bachelor in Paradise, you've got yourself so many options. That's true. And you get to also, you just get to, like, chill on a beach and get drunk on the best mixed drinks ever. That's true. Are we going to do episodes during BIP? Yes. Tight.

I think we should wrap up. Yeah, that was our show this week. I'm sorry this episode of the podcast wasn't very good. I didn't have Superwater Zero, and it, like, is all that keeps me going. But we talked a lot about the scoops, the Tostitos. Can I try this Hanson sparkling lime juice? I like a sparkling water. Griffin is not as big of a fan.

It's a little too bitter. It tastes like 7-Up that somebody poisoned. A little too bitter for Griffey. I'm going to go get some sugar water. Sugar water. Pour it in there. Yucky. Why do you like that?

I like a savory beverage tastes like ceviche leavings i i feel like it has a natural kind of citrusy taste to it let me take a third drink and maybe that'll okay i actually really like that sip you just watched my palate evolve directly in front of you i'm really excited about that i still hate it and i still miss super water zero we gotta buy like a 30 pack and just like put them in the garage or like put a little mini fridge in your office here until they start sending us free super water zero and it can't be vitamin water if you buy vitamin vitamin water i'll throw it in the sewer i'll throw it in our neighbor's house as hard as I can and make them just explode like I used to do in high school.

Wait, what? This is the end of Rose Buddies. It's on iTunes now, I think. Hopefully. I submitted it to them and they were like, we gotta check it. Oh, another Bachelor show, huh? Yeah. I don't know. Not enough of these. We'll see. Yeah, it's on iTunes

now. Rose Buddies. We're Rose Buddies cast on Twitter. i haven't tweeted from that yet thanks thanks to everybody that has been tweeting it and talking on facebook about how much they like the show that's really exciting somebody tweeted at us during the episode today um apparently there was a man which advertisement yeah you weren't watching i was watching that it seemed totally out of place they were like things that are common between bachelor and man which and show women talking like he's so cute and it showed a check between bachelor and man which and show women talking like he's so cute and it showed a check mark next to man which yeah man which that's a stretch dog

give me back my fucking tie bleachable moments and then that's a good point then they showed like a banquet table with just a big old sloppy joe on it and a bunch of candles lit like here's your romance food it's a sloppy joe there's a long commercial do you think maybe that was involved in the canceled jojo date it was man which oh they ate sloppy joes together yeah and it was or they had to feed sloppy joes to each other and what else they can't or or or it was like an exclusive peek at a new flavor of Manwich that the Bachelor. Well, then they canceled it because it was so awful. It was like Cool Ranch, Sloppy Joe.

And everyone's like, this is disgusting. And they're like, well, we can't use any of this footage. Yeah. That sounds like a good date. That's it for Rose Buddies. We're going to stop the episode now. Thank you for listening. We'll be back next Tuesday with another hot wrap-up of

The Bachelor starring Ben Higgins. Don't listen to any other Bachelor podcasts. We'll know if you do. See you next week. Spoiler alert! She ends up with Soulja Boy.