Wonderful! - Episode 5: Just Like Teen Mom

Episode Date: February 2, 2016

Rachel and Griffin discuss the events of a pretty big snoozer of an episode, including the heartbreaking dismissal of a flawless contestant. There's also a live Superwater Zero taste test, which, buddy, that's just good radio. MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reasons, right reasons, me and pretty girl for all the right reasons. Right reasons, right reasons, me and pretty girl for all the right reasons. I'm the best rep and I'm rapping to your poolside. Here to find true love, one man for my whole life. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. And this is Griffin McElroy. And this is Rose Buddies.

Your favorite show. Now on iTunes. Now on show. Now on iTunes. Now on iTunes. Now on iTunes. It's on Podcatcher. It's on Guytoons. It's on... Spytoons.

Spytoons. I just spit everywhere. Yeah, you really did. I just spit everywhere on you. I literally gave you a face full of my... Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay. Thanks for listening to the Rose.

Let's part the kimono here. I think I take people inside the production, inside the Rose. We haven't parted the kimono yet on this podcast. Our inaugural kimono party. I missed a lot of today's episode. Griffin was cooking a fabulous meal. We hosted at our house, which I don't think we've done since we've been doing this podcast. Or maybe we have, but we haven't.

I mean, I decided, for my friends, I said. Rachel was like, our friends are coming over. I said, for my friends, I will give them the world. By which I mean a six pounds of slow roasted for 10 hours in a Crock-Bot. Yeah, he literally got this meal going at 9 a.m.? 8.30. 8.30 a.m. Oops.

Flipped my cap. My Super Water Zero. Super Water Zero. So psyched. Back again. A sidebar from the sidebar. I went to HEB to buy some essentials for this Carnitas meal. And I went to stock up on Super Water Zero.

There was a single bottle of Super Water Zero left on the shelves. So I had to get this and then like four bottles of Vitamin Water Zero, which is 14 cents more, which is fucking garbage. And not only that, I now have both of them in our fridge at the same time. And the color difference between the two of them, despite the fact that they're the same flavor is upsetting this is just darker this is much much darker much darker super water zero is maybe it's darker because the flavor is better and they've reduced it so i don't know anyway i thought you bought both of them because you were going to do a live taste test should i i don't think anybody cares oh it's too late. He's going. If you're just joining us, Griffin is

a huge fan of HEB Super Water Zero. And what he's doing right now, he is grabbing name brand Vitamin Water Zero. Okay. Alright. Alright. Do you want me to mix them up and close your eyes?

Yeah, that's what I'm saying Hi everybody, thanks for listening Today's episode is brought to you by Superwater Zero The fucking boys are back in town Welcome back, Superwater Zero, we're glad to have you For today's test, I'm gonna drink them And then say which one I think tastes better And I guarantee it's gonna be that dark stuff Close your eyes

They're closed as hell Okay, I'm gonna hand you one I can't drink with this shirt I put my shirt over my face to disguise it But I don't have a drink hole Yeah no just keep your eyes closed Okay I'm gonna hand you one Put it in my right hand that's my drinking hand

Okay Don't say anything yet just drink it Just drink it and think about it Alright next one Just drink it and think about it all right next one just drink it and think about it don't say anything okay first which you prefer oh definitely the first one okay which one the second one didn't have as much flavor to it so maybe it's a little bit healthier but the first one had like way better flavor okay do you know which is the super water zero?

It's the one that I'm... It's the one that tastes better because it's super water. That's true. Super water zero. So, anyway, I cooked carnitas for everybody. I did the works. Cilantro. Cohita.

Is it cojita or cojita? What do you think? I think it's cojita. Your pick of i think it's your pick of salsas two choices of salsas you know why for my friends i'm spending a lot of time talking about the meal i cook because i literally didn't watch the first 45 minutes so i'm gonna carry the first probably 10 minutes of this will be exciting because it's like i'm hearing about it for the first time yeah by the way we didn't touch on the oreo truffles made oreo truffles too if you want two kinds if you want the rest of his friends for my friends fucking the world anyway if you want the recipe for that cream cheese oreos

and baker's chocolate you'd figure it out from there you're you're a sharp sharp knife all right bam um what if I check this out? What did I do? Now he's mixing the super water and the vitamin water. Mexico City. Mexico City. Was it? What was the?

Who was the contestant who's asked if Mexico City was in Mexico? Who was it? You remember that? I think it was. I'm not going to remember her name. Juelia or somebody. No was it? You remember that? I think it was... I'm not going to remember her name....Juelia or somebody. No, it wasn't Juelia. It was a contestant that was notorious for making poorly educated comments.

Yeah. I can't remember. Mexico City. We're in Mexico City. And who do we have on that first date? Is this who we woke up all the women for this date? Yes. So Amanda gets selected for the one-on-one date.

And Olivia tells the camera, Amanda does have children. And I don't think that's what Ben wants. So we already know this is going to be an episode where Olivia is just, she's out in full force. I have so many thoughts about this. I'm so excited to dig into it. I have so many thoughts about this. I'm so excited to dig into it. So Ben does a questionable thing where even though he is just taking Amanda out, he goes into the hotel rooms and wakes up all the women.

Lauren H. has her retainer in, which is a little adorable. He walks into the room with Jubilee and says, Jubes, real loud, which makes us know. I heard from the kitchen, didn't he say, I also wear a retainer? Oh, I don't know. I missed that. I'm pretty sure. I was paying better attention than you. And I was slaving over a hot pan of carnitas and cojita.

And a lady's weave is on the nightstand. We don't know who. Although there was speculation in our house that it was Becca's weave. Yeah, that makes sense. Look at that. That's not, that ain't right. Amanda, who knows she's going on the one-on-one date, is wisely wearing makeup already when she is awoken. She knows she's going, she already got the card, I guess? Yeah, she knew she had the one-on-one and slept in makeup.

Here's, I barely watched this week's episode. I watched the last half of it real good. got the card i guess yeah she knew she had the one okay slept in makeup here's one here's i barely watched this week's episode i watched i watched the last half of it real good first half i just didn't i was busy for my friends um for your friends uh this shit happens every seat like yeah so much shit happened this episode that happens every season and it drove me crazy yeah like literally like step for step so be Becca, not Becca, who was it? Britt gets taken on a date with Chris. Right? Britt was on Chris' season?

Yeah. And Britt sleeps in makeup, gets woken up, goes on a hot air balloon date. Guess what? Amanda, same thing. Hot air balloon date. Even the hot air balloon thing? Did you Google that? That, same thing. Hot air balloon date. Even the hot air balloon thing? Did you Google that? That's fucking insane.

But that's not the only part. Like the talking, throwing shade at the woman with kids. That happens every, that's not just Bachelor. That's like every fucking season. No, it must be producers stick around year after year and they just kind of bait people into behavior they know works. That's what I'm saying. There has to be so much other, like, fertile ground out there for them to plow. It's just, whatever.

We're getting way off topic. So Amanda is on the date. They go to Teotitlan. I'm looking at you like you're going to know. No, because I don't know what sounds you're making with your mouth right now Teotihuacan Is there an X in there? Is it like one of those

No I didn't get to write down the spelling It's a place in Mexico with kind of ancient Temple pyramid situation Let's look it up This Fuck Teotihuacan

Teotihuacan Te Te fuck teotihuacan teotihuacan wait let's have the computer say it teotihuacan all right teotihuacan wait let's just every time we need to say it well are you sure that's loud enough i'll bump it bump that shit i want to get calls from the neighbors Are you sure that's loud enough? I'll bump it. Bump that shit.

I want to get calls from the neighbors. Okay. So while they're in... Oh, I have to restart it. Give me the setup again. So while they're in... We find out as a viewer... That we're uncultured. We find out as a viewer that Amanda is going to reveal that she has been married before.

So we know she has two kids, and she's going to reveal, I was married before and I got married to my ex-husband when I had a six-month-old. And she goes on in the... So the first child, was the first child

with the husband? It was, right? Yes. Both were with the husband. So she goes on to tell Ben that he had an addictive personality, that he had other priorities and went out a lot. He wasn't the nicest guy. And then she got pregnant with her second daughter and then after found an old phone with text from girls suggesting that he was not being faithful to her. Screaming infidelities. Yes. But she said this makes her appreciate relationships more.

And Ben says, I admire you. I can't believe that this ex-husband didn't want to, quote, wrap you up. He said some Bogota shit. And this happens a lot. Is that in Mexico? Bogota? No. This happens every season where there's, and it's always Bachelor when there's a woman contestant that has kids.

And they always play this card of, like, I can't wait to just, like, snuggle up with those beautiful babies. Yeah. And it's like, hey, homie, fucking dial it back. Yeah. We're on a television show. That's a— Like, it's a cool, sexy dress that they wear. Like, oh, you have two kids?

That's so hot. Yeah, there's a fetishizing of the kids that's like, oh, man. For me, that is when there's some skin in the game. Because there is human child skin in the game. That gave me so much respect for emily in her season of the bachelorette where she was like we're not just my kid is not gonna like meet these people and that's why i made so special when she met jeff oh god and then they didn't work out ben literally says to amanda says i can't believe someone like you would be interested in someone like me.

So he is, man, he is building her up. He is putting that mom on a pedestal. Yeah. I just... Yeah. Let's move on, because I want to talk about this group date. Yeah, so he gives her a rose and then we go on to the group date, which has

Jubes, Becca, JoJo, Kayla, Lauren B, Emily, Jennifer, Leah, and Olivia. Now, for their group date. It's a big date. Did they also go to? Dirty Wakan. No. They went to a restaurant in Mexico City, I think.

I think. What was it called? I didn't. Never mind. We didn't do the date on that one. Guys, it was a loosey-goosey episode there were fucking a hundred people in our house tonight

I had such a great time we had like so many good friends and for my friends anything only the best but we had a lot of people it's like the biggest group

of people we ever watched a show with yeah we had like maybe 12 total it was fun it was a big big crowd I love by the way

that there are people we did a poll on the Facebook Rachel did a poll on the Facebook group about how who's listening to the show who's like never watched the podcast or watched the tv show before get a big group together get a fun group together and watch it it really makes it remember

though when we first started watching it our very first season it was just the two of us we were not ready to admit to a large that's a good point yeah take it take your time so take your time take your time it's hard to stand in your truth. It's not comfortable there. I'd rather sit in my silence. Mm-hmm. So. That was also a Dashboard Confessional song. I'm going to reference four Dashboard Confessional songs tonight, and I'm going to see if anybody, like,

gets it. Go ahead. I'm not a fan, so it's going to be. Of Dashboard Confessional? Yeah, so I'm not going to. Chris Karabas? No. Okay. I guess you've just washed your hands clean of the whole going to. Chris Carabas? No. Okay. I guess you've just washed your hands clean of the whole thing, huh? Teotihuacan. Okay.

And Carabas. Let's read about the group date because it broke my heart into a billion little pieces. So it's a Spanish class date. They all go in and sit in a classroom and they have an instructor that is teaching them Spanish. And the instructor has all of them say the same set of phrases to each other. Here's where things got a little crazy in our group. One of the fantasy rules, and I love that we're just like meeting out the explanation of our fantasy league one rule at a time,

is if they say to the bachelor, I love you, that's a crazy amount of points. And like every woman said it on this date because it was like this scripted language lesson and so we had to count that yeah there was there was something about kissing there was something about i'm in love with you and then there was something where ben proposed to each woman yeah and jubilee was not having it she was like i'm not gonna get up there and do this charade after i've watched ben do it with like the five other women on this date. So she is cold to him and he is not happy with how cold she is.

Yeah. And I get it. I mean, the whole thing is so uncomfortable. The human part of my brain understands it. So the Spanish class ends and then they go to a restaurant and they're going to do the cooking challenge. Okay. And there is a scramble because it's a partner challenge.

And so clearly Ben is part of the challenge. Everybody wants to partner with Ben. It is Jubilee and Olivia just standing there unwilling to budge. Olivia, I think she literally puts her arm around ben and says hey ben want to be my partner while jubilee's standing there and olivia snatches him up well whose fault is that like i know olivia came to play but sliding doors huh sliding doors no no spoilers but just remember when i said sliding doors right now because later on you're gonna think of that and be like wow he was right sliding doors so they have to cook. The recipes are in Spanish.

Olivia is feeding Ben. She is really living this moment. She's not paying attention to her fucking cooking, that's for sure. Because the things she turned in look like a piece of performance art. We get a little hint that Emily is going to go after Olivia in this episode because there is a scene where she is holding a knife and she looks at the camera and says, adios, Olivia. Which is a suggestion like Emily is not a fan of Olivia. Yeah, because adios, that means goodbye. That does.

And if you're holding a knife and saying goodbye and then a woman's name. She also makes a comment again about Oliviaivia's breath which was something that was mentioned i think in the first episode and olivia and ben go and get mint together yeah let's let's let's unpack that because he does go look at this fresh mint do you want to eat this fresh mint with me like what i watched that only just now am i realizing like that's a crazy thing if you and i were at like a farmer's market and i was like oh and I were at, like, a farmer's market, and I was like, oh, babe, look, mint. Let's just eat some. Let's both eat a lot of mint.

Hey, come here. You and me, right now, eating this mint. Right now. Aren't you curious about what mint tastes like, just raw? Put it in your mouth and chew on it and keep it in there for a while. Yeah, that's true. That might suggest that there is something to this theory. Cooking challenge over.

Jubilee wins i don't think she gets anything for winning unless i missed it she gets a uh a cold how do you do her and her partner which i didn't even notice her partner because i am so team jubilee yeah um olivia makes benny crickets then she puts crickets on the food. She literally says something like, these people love crickets. It was not selected as the winning dish. But then at the cocktail party. She did say these people love crickets. Or they love crickets here or something.

It doesn't. Any variation on that. That's unfortunate. All right. I can't stand by Olivia now after that. Mm-hmm. So, right, they get to the cocktail party. Olivia immediately steals Ben away to reconnect, which everybody at this point, man, they are

burnt out. Olivia got Ben as a partner, and yet when they get to that cocktail party, she wants more time. Is this my time to go off on the women of this season because of how none of them came to play? Well, because this is this is when it started. This is when it I'm not crazy about this season, if we're being honest. And it's because during this group date. Yeah.

Olivia grabs him right away. And then during this group date, showed no joke four or five different times ben going to the women and then saying like all right uh uh uh jennifer come with me or hey all right jojo let's talk hey lauren b come on let's go talk he shouldn't have to come to you you go to him he's the bachelor i think what has happened is that the women are so scared of each other, and they have made such a big deal out of Olivia and the steal away, that now it's like a game of chicken. Like, nobody else wants to do it. It's not called America's Next Best Friend.

It's not called Best Friend Drag Race. They're so afraid that if I go steal him away, then I'm going to be Olivia, too. So I'll sit here, and then it's just a game of... Then none of those women love him. If that's the case, Olivia's the only person there that loves him. That's the only love. Isn't that fucked up? Not even Kyula001, who was engineered only to love.

And Lauren B., who's, I think, I'm pretty sure at this point, an angel. I'm like 95% sure is an angel. You know, that's a fair point. Nobody's like playing. Nobody's playing the game. No. That was crazy. It was literally like, because they were setting up Jubilee getting upset because she was like,

he keeps coming up to the group of women and like picking women that aren't me and I keep getting jealous. And I see that and I'm going like, why does he have to keep on coming back to this group of women? Why isn't it just like how it always is? It was a train of women like can i steal him away here's the thing though let me give you the female perspective okay they are constantly vulnerable they are always putting themselves in vulnerable positions they want some validation for ben they don't always want to be the one chasing him that's fine fine. But you have to agree that this is like a weird outlier.

We have a thing on our score sheet, which is if you steal somebody, if you steal the Bachelor away from another contestant, you get points. If you actually literally say, can I steal you away, you get bonus points. That's great. It's a great rule. We're the only ones that have gotten points for that. For Olivia. Yeah, Olivia is the only one. Olivia is the only person that's doing it nobody's even stealing other people away and in every season everybody's doing it

like nobody here came here to play and that is why olivia is getting being cast as a villain which i made the point she's like a shitty wwe heel like like three different times it cut to her and she was like smelling her rose and going like this is a direct quote shot for shot smelling her rose that she got she won the group date spoiler sorry smells the rose it goes hmm ben that's nothing what the fuck are you talking about nobody's that dumb no she hasn't ever on camera or to the women said anything deliberately hurtful. She said a lot of stupid stuff, but she's never like villainously said, you know, I think so-and-so is awful.

If we're to believe this, if it's, I shouldn't say if we're to believe producers pull the strings on a show, the extent to which the pull the strings is up to debate for debate. I might be a little drunk, but the, the casting of Olivia as the villain, like that's beyond debate like yes that's what happened and i honest to god think it's just because she's the only person that was stealing

been away from people and rubbing the other women the wrong way because it was like weirdly sacrilegious behavior in this bizarrely uncompetitive season and so like all right olivia lean into it you're the only thing going on this season. You're the bad girl. And she's like, okay, I guess I'll try. Yeah. No, there's nobody left. And I think maybe they thought they could make Jubilee that.

But Jubilee made very clear, like, I'm not going to play this lady game where we all sit around and are shitty to each other. Yeah. I'm not going to play this lady game where we all sit around and are shitty to each other. Yeah. And we all saw how that worked out for Jubes. Jubilee, from what we can tell, this date was the first time the Jubilee had been actually cold to Ben. And it shut everything down so fast.

And she, I think, realized too late. Because she, at first, was kind of, he wanted to hold her hand as they walked away from the women. And she was like, I don't want to do this in front of the other women. They set that up nicely because during this parade of Ben having

to come to the women and grab them because they're all completely uncompetitive. They're all, man. She just watched them walk away with these signs of affection, like, fuck this. And it also sort of builds on how when she was joking, being snarky to him on their solo date, all the women like gave her shit for it. And she did comment on that. Yeah. Like I'm probably just feeling a little bit insecure because of that.

Yeah. So she, so she, when they got time alone, which apparently was like 25 minutes together, which is a little unprecedented on a group date and all the women commented on that. But she says, you know, I just feel like, you know, which is a little unprecedented on a group date. And all the women commented on that. But she says, you know, I just feel like, you know, do you remember our time together?

And he says, I feel like you've pulled back. And then he references the hand grab that she wouldn't reciprocate. Literally 45 seconds before. Like, that's been really bothering me for the past year and a half. And then she says, you know, I think it really messed me up when the women took what I said as a joke and turned it into something to use against me. So now I'm really paranoid about behaving in a way they could misinterpret. And his response is like, yeah, we get it. We all get insecure from time to time. Anyway, get the fuck out of here.

And then he phrases. So all of a sudden, think she recognizes oh no oh no it's falling apart and she says you know don't give up on me you know i i i just i want to hear from you that you're interested in me and he says and i wrote this down because the construction was so peculiar he says it would be unfair of me to tell you something could exist it would be on let's stop it would be unfair of me to you to tell you to tell you something could exist i think between us which i maybe i didn't fine he's a yeah but not done well and he even he i forget what he said but he tried to like put it on her

just a little bit like especially with the stuff that's happened between us lately like yeah her telling you that she's insecure about this like that's you can't like punish her for that that's insanity uh and then he walks her out and he walks her out and that's it here's the thing i have two minds about this first of all jubilee's the fucking best and she's amazing what was her joke about the fish she said something really funny about the fish i i can't she replaced one meat with another meat fuck whatever she said something funny i laughed oh that jubilee i said oh i love that jubilee she's going you guys trust us it was hilarious i She won the cooking challenge. I won the cooking challenge

tonight with these baller-ass carnitas. Your friends? For my friends. And she gets sent home. It sucks. It's terrible. In his defense, I don't think he has any connection with anyone except for Ka'ilah 001 and Lauren B.

And Ka'ilah 001 has not made much of an appearance at all. She makes her time count. She's good at what she does. No hate. Yeah, she had Sex Panther last week. Yeah, she's deep in the paint. But, like, yeah, none of these women have, like, especially strong connections. Maybe JoJo a little bit.

She was put in some work this week. But, like, yeah, he doesn't have a connection with jubilee he doesn't like he doesn't but he doesn't have it with most of the women there but that doesn't mean you just like get rid of them out of hand jennifer's still there who who like what yeah um ben comes back it seemed like he saw an opportunity to strike and get rid of somebody who like like, he was probably going to get rid of at the rose ceremony anyway. But this was an opportunity for him to do it and have it not be 100% his fault. Hence the, like, just the stuff, you know? The stuff.

The hand thing you did hurt me. Get the hell out of here. That hand thing you literally just did to me while I'm saying this sentence to you, get the fuck out of here, Jubilee. No, that's true. She wanted him to fight for her, and he was not willing to do it. But she takes, for some, I'm in Jubilee's corner, despite she's taking this thing that I hate about this season to the extreme,

which is like, I'm not going to go after him. He'll come to me when he's ready. Hi, the show's called The Bachelor, and there's 400 of you no that's true i think she is doing a classic lady maneuver where you want the guy to make the first move but you have to throw that game out that game doesn't fucking work on the bachelor no it has never worked on the bachelor it has never worked does it work on the bachelorette sometimes i do no it doesn't work on the bachelor uh ben comes back to the ladies and he's a little broken up he starts to try and explain to the women what just happened jojo steals him away mid explanation and she tells the camera you know i just was thinking about what ben goes

through and how hard this is for him and and she takes him away i mean it's clear that he sent jubilee home i mean it's not like the women were left thinking well what what what was he gonna say like everybody knew but jojo just swoops in and pulls him aside says i just think you're doing the right thing i think you're doing the right thing. I think you're doing it so well. There were a lot of accolades. I know that was hard for you, but great job on the whole Jubilee thing. You're just handling it with such grace.

Such bullshit. All the women appreciate it and appreciate you. Well, of course you do. It's one less competitor. And then Ben just looks so relieved and he says i'm done with breaking up with people after this and they both have a little you're wicked not jojo even says like yeah just 10 more women just 10 more you're doing it 10 more times and one of those is going to be a woman expecting a proposal ben and it's going to be super duper bad he's he's a snow puff he's not ready for this

shit this is the major leagues. This is prime time. You got to break some hearts out there. He then says, good night, sleep tight. And that's the end of the date. I like when he gives those little farewells.

But he delivers a rose. Oh, and he gives the rose to Olivia. Which is like everybody we were watching. And the women are horrified. Rachel and I were doing the fucking Super Bowl shuffle. Which is like everybody we were watching. And the women are horrified. Rachel and I were doing the fucking Super Bowl shuffle because we have Olivia on our team. But yeah, like the women were blown away.

Yeah, especially after JoJo just made that cool move. I think she thought like, oh, that was it. Now I'm going to get it. But like that is like, oh, this show's edited to hell. Because like you think about it he spent all day with olivia like during the cooking stuff and then she steals them away that's time on the books uh lauren h gets the final one-on-one date i watched this day and i i remember more about the one I didn't watch. And it is Mexican Fashion Week, which is a thing, apparently. And it's Mexican Fashion Week in... Dope, you walk on.

I think it was different that time. I wrote down Dumb Sleep Olivia, and I need you to explain what you wanted to say there. Olivia was sleeping across two beds. Everybody we were watching with was mystified because her body got one bed and then her head got a separate, a second, different bed. Was she really asleep or was she just like sleeping for the camera? I think she was doing like, you remember in like my old home movies,

I would pretend to be asleep because I was like a beautiful blonde child. I'd be like, ooh, sleepy time. A little bit of that. Okay. I said right down, Olivia Domsleep, because it was the weirdest thing I've seen in a long time. But that's Olivia, right? She just does weird shit. And she says weird shit all the time.

I made the comparison to Rachel. What they've done to Olivia. Imagine if, oh shit, what was her name? Ashley S. The pomegranate onion if they tried to make her a villain just because she was like weird and said weird shit and like made people a little bit uncomfortable and they're like let's make her the villain this will be great ashley s was from the last season of the bachelor and she was notorious for just constantly saying non sequiturs she's amazing she's like one of my favorite people that's ever been in the game not a mean boner but not a mean boner body and then she rolled

up in bachelor in paradise and like fucking revolutionized the whole shit um oh man i'm such a big ashley s fan but that's what i'm saying like olivia's just a weird beard yeah and they've they've tried to this this title of like villainess is ill-fitting yeah there's so many other jojo would have been a great villain she's like assertive and like if they'd just been like hey jojo be mean i think she could have done it really well because she does she throws shade like for sure she does she does throw shade for sure i think she's the one who was like did you hear him he's like he tried to hold her hand and she was like, I'm not gonna hold your hand. And then like five minutes later, it was like, hey, guys, you hear about the hand thing?

She's like, always slinging that G, by which I mean, telling gossip to other women. Slinging that G. She would have been a better villain. Let me produce The Bachelor. I think you'd be better at it. Don't let me produce The Bachelor. I don't want to be involved in it fucking at all. I don't want you to do that ever.

Okay, so Lauren H. gets Fashion Week date. They're looking at some fine fabrics, and then it is revealed to them, unsurprisingly to us, the audience, that they're going to be walking in this fashion show. They're going to work that hallway a lot like it's a runway. A lot like it's a runway, except it's actually going to be walking in this fashion show. They're going to work that hallway. A lot like it's a runway. A lot like it's a runway, except it's actually going to be a runway. Except it'll be a runway and not a hallway at all. And Lauren H. says to the camera, almost as if she were also created specifically for the purpose of this show, the only walking I do is with my kids out to recess.

Didn't like that. I don't. Lauren H. is a kindergarten teacher. She is wholesome. But she's not a kindergartner. And sometimes she leans a little, the needle tilts in that direction a little hard. That's just like, it's like the woman at the bar that's like, oh, I don't, I mean, I don't know. I don't ever have a drink.

Is this, oh, you know, it just it's so she's like the the uh character from burning love who was uh like a kid's teacher and she annie she was like the sweetheart by the we haven't talked about burning love on this show we haven't loved that show god that show's so good there's three seasons of it we watched it all in maybe one week it It's on Hulu. It's on Hulu. It's fucking incredible. Yeah, it's incredible. Dan Marino. Not Dan Marino.

Ken. Fuck. Ken Marino. Dan Marino's in it. He's hilarious, and he throws a ball like 80 yards. Michael Ian Black plays the host. It's wonderful. It's great.

Anyway. Anyway, so they walk the runway, and Lauren H. reiterates, you know, I heard you sent Jubilee home, and I just want to tell you, you did such a great job. And then she plays up the real sweetie role, because she's like, you just have all these great people here, you know, and I just, I know how hard it must be. Again, really playing up the, like, you know, I have so much esteem for you and this brave work you're doing out there in the fields. Yeah. She also refers, she says, like, I want to keep moving things forward with you because I don't want to get stuck in the friend zone. And it's like, Lauren, that's not how any of this works. You don't get to stay.

If you don't get a rose, you're sent home. And then you go back to your home and you're not on the television show anymore. The television show The Bachelor you've been on, you're not on anymore. It's not called America's Next Ben Friend. It's called The Wife or Fucking Leave. That should be a better name for the show. It would. It'd be great. The Wife or Get the Fuck Out of Here. Craft service isn name for the show. It would. It'd be great. The wife. Or get the fuck out of here.

Craft service isn't for you anymore. The moment you don't get a rose, leave. Well, and here is the extent of Lauren H.'s deep confession to Ben. So, as we've already heard, Jubilee has no blood relatives. Amanda has two kids and is a divorcee. kids and is a divorcee. Lauren H.'s sad story is that she was in a relationship over four years

and he broke up with her out of nowhere. And she's 25 years old, so this four-year relationship at its latest. I mean, that's rough. I don't want to... Four years, that's rough. Four years is rough. Four years is rough.

And then to get dumped, like that sucks. But like, I'm a veteran and all of my family are dead. That is inarguably worse. Versus. Yeah. I was in a four year relationship.

Um, yeah, Lauren H just didn't, I don't know. She didn't do any, do anything for me. And like Ben, Ben was weirdly like aggressively like,

I had such a great time today with you, Lauren. Yeah. I love when we walked in the fashion show and neither of us knew how to fucking toot our boochies at all. And neither of us were smizing and we didn't know our angles and we weren't chasing the light. God, I miss America's Next Top Model so much. I'm sorry, baby.

Bring it back. Ben gives what I want to call from now on his, quote, incredible woman speech where he just pours on like seven compliments and then gives them the rose. And the compliments are always

over the top based on the date he's had. And then Lauren H gets choked up when she's talking to the camera, says that she's falling in love. So it makes, it was orchestrated to make her seem like she's a front runner, but I just don't buy it. I think it was,

I don't, I think Ben was just overly effusive after sending home Jubilee, who had complained that she hadn't been getting enough attention. And he probably worried, like, well, shit, what if I'm just, like, what if I'm not romancing these women enough for The Bachelor, and so now I need to, like, lay it on real thick. Yeah, I mean, he is. He's a nice guy. You know, he wants the women to feel appreciated.

But I don't feel like he's ever speaking to, like, a genuine romantic connection. He's just, he just wants them to feel good and and feel seen in those moments it's hard to say man like i still like it lauren b's gonna win the show like lauren b's gonna win the season their interactions today it's like it's not even like i'm not even coming at it from like a matchmaker matchmaker make me a match. Like, you look at the chemistry between the two of them and you're like, oh, well, that's the only legit thing on this fucking whole show. Yeah. Like, she's going to win the show.

I think so, too. So then it's cocktail party time for all the ladies. Olivia fucking dunked on Amanda. Let's just call it what it was, which was a primo A plus Kobe dunking upon. Emily was talking about her children and how the process works when she's gone and when I guess they're dividing up custody

and she's telling kind of the logistics. The the dad is supposed to happen for the weekend but really the dad gets some friday night and then saturday morning they go to grandma's and olivia delivers this line literally say saturday morning they go to grandma's oh and then saturday morning they go to grandma's yeah that's That's like an episode of Teen Mom. Literally that deadpan, that innocuous, like not even if she had said it as a joke would have been like, like an episode of Teen Mom, right guys? Or if it had been mean, it would have been like, it's like an episode of Teen Mom. It was literally just like, oh, like, it was almost as if she was saying, oh, like an episode of Teen Mom. Yeah. Oh, I get it.

Oh, like an episode of Teen Mom. Yeah. Oh, I get it. And then when everybody sits there horrified, like, I can't believe you would say this to this woman and dismiss, like, the brave thing she does by taking care of two of her children. Olivia thinks they're being quiet because they haven't seen the television program Teen Mom. And she's like, you know, the show where the women. No, it's like a teen. You don't. You don't. No, you, no, you don't understand.

They've had children and they're women, so they're moms. And they're ages 19 or younger. Emily does tell the camera in kind of a defensive moment. She's like, I was 22 and 24 when I had my children. Amanda said that. Emily hasn't had kids. She's only had dogs. She virgin birthed some sick-ass dogs.

But yeah, I mean, it was awful. It was awful. And the women quickly called her out on it. It was also amazing. It was also amazing. Because I've never seen a human interaction like that in my life. If you're only listening to this podcast and you don't watch the show, just Google the moment. You can find a video clip of it somewhere.

I've literally never seen anything like it. Because I can't understand, like, what part of her brain, what synapse is, like, fired. And she was like, oh, like Teen Mom. Like, I don't know what it was. Like, she doesn't seem like a particularly dumb person. Some of our show fans in the Facebook group said that they call her oblivia which i think is right she's just like oblivious she's just like kind of yeah her saying that she meant there was no malice behind it whatsoever which is like indicative

of like there's no malice behind anything she does like she's either trying to fill this role poorly or just like just saying shit she just can't conceive i guess of having children because she does say earlier in the very beginning of the episode when amanda gets the one on one date she says oh but amanda has kids and ben doesn't want that just like why why would this ever work like just like but she's had kids like like she just can't wrap her brain around it at all yeah anyway this teen mom comment which i which tickled me pink uh just clarify like it's not because it's not because you have any malice against amanda not at all it just made me laugh so hard and it was like watching when when we were kids blockbuster video the blockbuster video that

we lived down the street from, used to have free movie rentals. And we would game the system because if you did two movie rentals you could get a third one free. So we'd do two free movie rentals and then get a paid one for free. But the movie rentals were always like the animated Muppet special with the

NBA All-Stars talking about don't buy guns. And then there was one about an alien called Beesbo, and it was just a little boy and he would touch his ears and it would light up. It was like the shittiest practical effect basically ever. And he learned about manners from human

beings because he would like say stuff like, your mom is ugly. And he'd be like, yo, Beesbo, dial it the fuck back. That's my mom's. Beesbo, you're gonna get fucking popped one day in your big fat ears. You're saying Olivia is like Beesbo, dial it the fuck back. That's my mom's. Beesbo, you're going to get fucking popped one day in your big fat ears. You're saying Olivia is like Beesbo. Olivia is like Beesbo. She crash landed on the set of The Bachelor and they're like, hey, she's kind of pretty.

Yeah, let's get her in there. And she just doesn't know how to interact with human beings. And I find that delightful. It's like watching a baby duck has wandered onto the set and just says wonderful things things from time to time everything she said is like it's like a precious little bubble floating through the air i just want to grab it on my hands i'm a big olivia fan because i feel like i have to be super defensive of her because i don't think she is this devil person that everybody else thinks she is yeah we're saying that because after this moment this is when the tattling begins she said some she caveat she has said some bad shit.

But not like, she's not the devil. No. No, so Emily, the remaining twin, I guess they give her the opportunity to call her sister Haley. And she calls her sister Haley in tears. This is after Emily goes to Ben and tattles. Just says, Olivia is so mean. She's being so meanattles just says olivia is so mean she's being so mean to the other girls and starts crying because she's so upset and then she calls her sister and she's complaining to her sister about how olivia got the rose and and she's just really

torn up about it and then it like shows her and she's like i hate olivia i'm just gonna say it i hate olivia and she's like smiling as hate Olivia. I'm just going to say it. I hate Olivia. And she's like smiling as she says it. That shit creeps me out way more than a funny, innocuous comment about Teen Mom. Well, and with Emily, it's so clear that she is in a very vulnerable place. Her twin sister is gone. She is feeling like, well, now I better win this thing. And she has chosen Olivia

as the target for everything that is wrong with everything can I pitch a counterpoint alright I think she sees the opportunity to grasp a narrative on this otherwise completely narrative free

season of The Bachelor of just like I will be the person who stands up to Olivia, and that will be my thing. Because otherwise, like, what am I other than the remnant twin? What the fuck do they even have on her chyron now? Because it can't say twin anymore. Your twin's not on the show. Ooh, good point.

It can't say twin if your twin's not on the show anymore, because you have to have a job also. I mean, she's still a twin she's still a twin but there's they've had people who've had siblings on the show before they don't say like doug's sister um susan's son you know susan's kid after emily tattles amanda also tattles and this is when ben starts kind of keeping a catalog of everybody that has problems with Olivia.

And it seems like a parade of women decide to come forward. Like, this is the night when I stand up against Olivia. And I think it's all just because of the group date. I think that's the moment when they decide Olivia got that group date rose.

I'm going down with the ship. She can't win this whole thing. I think it's less that. I think it's more she's the only woman that's playing this fucking game the way that it's meant to be played. And so any opportunity they see to, like, try and get out another. Oh, God, getting out two competitors before the rose ceremony. That'd be delicious. That what oh man this season just like get in there if that's if that's how they're playing the game now this is going to be the most boring final four basically ever and i'm i don't want this is the first season that we've done this podcast i don't want you to think that

i'm like usually watching the show like blood Bloodsport, like, oh yeah, I love watching these women just go at each other. Yes, it's my favorite. Just go at it, Rocco. But there's some of that that has to happen, right? It's bizarre to me. No, it's that code of conduct thing we were talking about. There seems to be this unspoken set of rules that the women have all aligned themselves with. It's a weird set of rules.

Keep them from getting what they want. That is the game, though. That is getting time on the books with Ben and making every moment count and making every conversation count. That's the game. That's the game. That's the game. Yeah. That's the game. That's the only rule of the game that there is. And it seems like they've all just kind of nullified it. I don't know.

There's also a weird pack mentality. There's like a, he went off with Lauren B and they kissed in like every, every street corner. They went all over town kissing. They kissed on, in front of a church. They kissed on top of. I don't even know if that's a thing church they kissed on top of i don't even know

if that's a thing you can be on top of but i'm gonna guess it is um they kissed they kissed all over the damn place and then like i forget who said it but they were all hanging out and they were like someone should go get him and it's like you're you're holding a group vote to elect one of your herd to go and interrupt them. It's like, that's the fucking game, ladies. Do you think none of them are that interested, and that's why it's like this? I think it's what you were saying earlier, right? Like, Olivia's the only one that's in love with him, because she's the only one that's really pushing for it. Do you think it's just they're not chasing after ben and they're waiting for ben because

they're just not sure if they're that into him i don't know i don't want to i don't want to i don't want to cast this person i will say if i was a producer of this show this season would make me pull my fucking hair out like if you're trying to like if this show is about like what's the narrative of this season i'm not gonna remember fucking anything about this season i don't know about you but like i know now while i'm watching a season like caitlin i'll remember because like the nick and sean stuff was like novel enough yeah like that was the first time that like they set up like real early like it's gonna be these two boys watch them now watch them go um uh juan pablo season I'll remember just because he was such a nightmare person.

Sean's I liked because I genuinely liked the couple that came out of it. Emily's I liked because I liked the couple that came out of it. I don't really remember a whole lot about Chris Soules. I don't remember very much about Andy's. I'm certainly not going to remember anything about this one just because there's no narrative to it and that's all the producers are trying. That's their only job is to try and get these non-performers, these non-professional performers

to perform these roles on this romance show. Nobody's playing ball. I'm going to tell you the names of some women that have left the show. Oh, this will be real fun. No, no, let's do this. You name three real names of women that were on the show and make up a fourth name, and I'll see if I can guess who the fake one is.

Okay. Breanne. Shit. Megan. Oh, my God. Samantha. Tracy. Oh, my god.

Samantha I remember. Samantha's real. I literally couldn't tell you the other ones. Is Breanne fake? No, Breanne's real. Breanne was the one with the basket of bread that hated gluten. She was so good.

Tracy is fake. Tracy is fake. Okay, what was Megan? Megan had a pony. Oh, that's right. She was like, jump on in. Why didn't she do that? That would have been great.

Then I would fucking remember who she was. Oh, yeah, the one with the dope-ass Ginuwine entrance. Tell me who Laura was. She was a redhead, she was. Oh, yeah, the one with the dope-ass Ginuwine entrance. Tell me who Laura was. She was a redhead. Red Velvet. Yes, Red Velvet. I remember that. Because she called herself Red Velvet.

That's memorable enough. I don't want to sound too hard. The show is the show. And there's some stuff that happens every season, even the good ones. And you just got to roll with the punches. There's always a woman that like, all the women tattle on

and they try to make a big deal out of it. When they cut to The Bachelor Live, which, did we talk about The Bachelor Live with Paul F. Tompkins?

We didn't. Oh my God, it was so fucking great. We don't normally watch that show because at least when they've done it in the past,

it's always been people whose opinion I didn't care about. Last season was really rough. Like, everything was really rough from The Bachelor Live. This season has been some pretty good stuff. Yeah, like, they're having actual comedians come on the show, which is brilliant.

And then, yeah, so they had, in that one episode, they had Paul F. Tompkins. They had... John Mulaney. John Mulaney. They had Nick Kroll. They had Padgett Brewster. It was, like, really fucking funny. Yeah.

And by the way, it always, like, gives me a genuine thrill when I find out that, like, somebody I adore, like Paul F. Tonka, is a part of the nation. Yeah. And they'd be very, very happy. But yeah, I forget why we started talking about this. There's been some good stuff on it, like, some good behind-the-scenes stuff. We actually got spoiled on the Teen Mom stuff. Yeah, for some reason they gave us a teaser of that last week on bachelor live yeah that's weird but at the oh i remember at the

start of this bachelor live like clip uh because we were watching a little bit as our friends were leaving um chris harrison said and with that with that shocking cliffhanger finale like chris chris chris i love you a lot i think the way that you've been limited from being on this show more is criminal it is a criminal underuse out of one of the most he's hosting who wants to be a millionaire now like oh is he really yeah he's got a lot of other jobs he can't be on i know he spent a lot of plates but man his combos with the batch like meant a lot to me this came up in the facebook group everyone's's like, what's the point of Chris Harrison? And let me tell you... He used to be amazing. He used to

add something to the show. It was kind of like you had a friend on the inside, is what it felt like. Because he would have genuine reactions and ask the questions we wanted to know the answer to. Yeah. But that's not a shocking cliffhanger, my friend. It happens every fucking season.

Yeah. So I don't know if we even said, so this episode ended to be continued. Yeah. There's no rose ceremony. We don't know who's getting roses, although we probably have a pretty good guess. We have a pretty fucking good guess. The big talk was, is he going to take the rose away from Olivia, who got it at the group date, which would be unprecedented.

Yeah, it's never happened. But it's not going to fucking happen. Like, ABC, The Bachelor, you have the worst teasers ever the spoileriest teasers ever we should just stop watching them because the teaser the cliffhanger was like he walked olivia up to his room and all the women are like he he's gonna take her rose away i bet and then in the teaser it's like if he likes her i just don't know about us and it's like i wonder who her is olivia probably yeah it showed all the women in like a meltdown moment of like i can't believe this is happening and so it makes it seem like yeah he kept olivia because it showed

him experiencing the quickening on a cliffside somewhere which which is pretty great. It was like him standing on a cliffside, but the wind was like blasting him at like 75, like gale force hurricane winds blasting him. Like, yo, dude, get off that cliff. That's dangerous. And it can't be comfortable. Those are gale force winds.

Get out of there, Ben. Sweet Ben. Did any sports happen this episode? Think about it. Cooking is kind of a sport a hot air balloon our friend bristol can we put her on blast for what she called hot air balloons i can't remember now how could you not remember she said didn't they do that last? They go up in one of those sky baskets. And everybody was like, what? What are those called? Sky baskets?

No, it's sky baskets. I would love for Ben to take me up in a sky basket. Oh, man. Any thoughts? Any parting thoughts? Next episode seems like it's going to be a real barn burn. A lot of crying. A lot of tears.

This was a bad ep. This was just a shitty ep. Yeah, nothing. I nothing i mean well jubilee went home which was terrible yeah that's not a good thing that's a shitty no it's an awful thing but that's the only thing of note that really happened to this episode i just i want at least one all it would take is one of the other women to like start fucking going for it yeah just start going for it i don't i'm not even saying i don't even give a shit from a competitive standpoint it's just boring because all without unless one of them goes for it it's literally just the whole season is just going to be olivia i can't believe he she ran up and took him away again. Really? Because she's done it a hundred fucking thousand times already. Yeah. The definition of

insanity is the same thing happening over and over again and you expecting it to change without doing anything about it. These women are insane if that's the definition. They need to start playing some defense. They need to start playing some fucking offense. They need to start playing some fence. Yeah, some fence.

Any fence. Any fence will do. Yeah. It's just not a great week. Not a great week. Had me looking forward to Bachelor in Paradise because at least then you know you're going to see some hand jobs. Yeah, well, you got me to agree before you finish that sentence. You agree

though, right? I mean, yeah, you'll see some. Like, demonstrably, you'll see some hand jobs. Thanks, everybody, for being so active on the Facebook group. It's really exciting to watch and to see people and their theories and their enthusiasm. And thank you all for listening on iTunes. This is the first one where we know we're up on iTunes, which is exciting. And, oh, should we talk talk about unreal i guess we can circle

back on unreal we're out of time it's a fucking great show though wow yeah we're really enjoying it um uh oh and the facebook group is rose buddies cast if you'd like to join the conversation that's our twitter account too although it is not a very active twitter account a lot of people haven't really subscribed to our twitter account which is fine i don't well in their defense we haven't fucking said what the name of it is on the podcast yet that's true rose buddies cast go there for all your hot tweets and tips thank you for listening thank you bye final rose stay with us on this journey of joy spoiler alert she is up with soldier boy with Soulja Boy.