Wonderful! - Episode 9: The Sexpisode

Episode Date: March 1, 2016

This episode gets wet and wild, everybody. Just a heads up, here, before we get started. Adult themes are discussed, becuase it's Fantasy Suites week, which is another way of saying that it's the Doin' It Episode. Seriously, very ribald stuff, ahoy. MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe, maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. I'm the best rep and I'm rapping to your poolside. Here to find true love. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. And this is Rose Buddies.

Reunited and it feels so good. We went to the grocery store on Sunday. Yeah, we did. Slow it down. The grocery store that you know. Taylor Redemption. Sexy Taylor Redemption. H-E-B.

But Griffin and Rachel, you swore never again. I know what I swore. When I make a swear, I remember it. We're back on that Superwater Zero train, guys. I was cruising down that sports drink aisle. I was cruising down it because I had to get some cat food at the end of it. I was cruising. I was like, let me just check in on my old friend.

Hey, Superwater, it's been a while. You remember when I dumped you down the sink? I dumped like four of you down the sink? I dumped, like, four of you down the sink, you ratty-ass motherfuckers. Dirty old, old ruined old water. Let me just see what's up on this cap. You wanna read that cap for me?

14th of July, 2016. That's right! I could sit on this shit for four months! Did you have to go through a bunch to get to one that wasn't expired no they were all good to go all the same color too i was showcasing i was so proud we got home from the grocery store i took all my super my super water bounty out of the bags look at them baby i said holding them up to the sunlight baby look at them all the same color these are

fucking monochromatic homies i'm excited to drink all of them starting with this one today so you must have bought like more than one today. So you must have bought more than three or four, right? You must have just, like, let's buy a dozen since they'll last until July. I bought enough to get me through this season of Rose Buddies. I never

seen why you don't just buy like a month's worth to just keep stocked. Because they don't have a month's worth. Usually they have like seven. No. Yeah. Well, of the good flavor. I could dip into that fucking mango garbage.

That's how we can track our ratings for the show is how much Super Water Zero is on the shelf at HEB. This must have been a fresh crop. This must have been like they were bringing it out to the shelves like, ooh, ooh, hot, hot, hot. Because they baked them in the back room. Gang, welcome to the Rose Buddies sex episode. We're happy to have you. We're going to do two of these a year, I guess. Unless during, yeah, Rachel's doing a little dance.

You going to cut in some music? Yeah, I'm going to put in Amber is the Color of Your Energy by 311. Is that your doing it music? Yeah, it's got the perfect tempo. You know? Is that what you're music? Yeah, it's got the perfect tempo. You know? Is that what you're listening to in your headphones? When we go to our boudoir? Look at me in the eyes.

You know what I mean? Yeah. So, welcome to the sex episode. That's right. Ben Higgins did the damn thing. Three times. Three times in a row. Once, twice, three times.

A lady? Oh man, I had some stuff to drink tonight. I feel like the last episode I was sober as a nun. This one I'm sober as a- Is that an expression? This time I'm sober as a fun. Because it was... Maybe it's because I was watching it through the lens of knowing that we had shepherded in a new batch of viewers to the show. I had that thought too.

It was like when we have friends over. Our friend Pete came over last week and the whole time I was looking at him like, God, I hope you like this. Because we are 100% responsible for getting you here. I feel like we have a lot of internet friends who are on that same boat. And it's like, hey, it is kind of weird that he's like, he makes love to this woman. And then he's like, the next morning, like, time to go have sex two other times with other people.

See ya. Well, and you all were probably just coming into the experience of the Chris Harrison letter, which is exactly the same. And always. True to form. Always uses the should you choose to forgo your individual rooms and spend the night together in the fantasy suite. That language has not changed. Yeah. Then a room will be provided for you.

But no Jimmy hats, according to the tell all from what's her face? Courtney. Yeah. the fantasy suite that language has not changed yeah then a room will be provided for you but no jimmy hats according to the tell all from uh what's her face courtney yeah courtney's tell all said they have a strict no jimmy hat policy which i think is crude well in the fantasy suite is what she said like they were not available to her in the fantasy suite only dental dams i can't say dental dam on our program? She's nodding her head yes, enthusiastically. That doesn't protect you from... What doesn't? STDs.

I thought that was the whole idea of it. Well, I guess it protects you from STDs, but it wouldn't stop a woman from getting pregnant. It's like a Ziploc bag that you, like, jam up in there, right? I thought it just protected you from any outside illnesses you might catch in the vicinity how would it do that but not catch a sperm well because i didn't think it was necessarily for intercourse as much as it was for oral course we need to we need to listen to still buffering and get some fucking health like middle school health class lessons still buffering is sydney uh mcelroy and riley smurl talking teen talk

it's fucking phenomenal um and but a competitor to our program so let's dial back in really a competitor that's true we don't really have facts on this fantasy. Fantasy Suites, the sex episode. He goes on three dates. They were in Jamaica. What even was that? What is that accent? They were there. It was happening. There was lots of coconuts being drunk out of. There was one scene where they ate some jerk chicken that looked good as hell.

A lot of swimsuits. A lot of, oh my God, a lot of swimsuits. And a lot of like Wedoworks fucking CGI aftertouch on some bosoms. And behinds. And booties. Mm-hmm. There was a lot of weird. I don't understand why they wouldn't just blur. Why would they pixelate and add color?

It was like Andy Serkis starring as JoJo's side boob. I know who that is now because of the oscars i can't believe you didn't know who andy circus was before the oscars no he was the you remember when we saw jojo's side boot so they kept anytime you could see a little bit too much boob and butt which is like honestly abc you're playing fucking calvin ball with that shit because i saw jillian's lower intestine um like anytime you could see a little bit of that there they did like a weird fake shadow on it kind of like how they put like the yellow line on the 10 on the the uh the first down marker in football it was like that level of technology well it was like weird it just made it look like they had a giant giant

technology. Well, it was like weird. It just made it look like they had a giant, giant bruise on their bosom. It was weird. It was like, it's still a breast. Like, that's a breast. You just put like a weird fake shadow over it. But it's still a breast. Like, my eyes can... I have the cones to see

of those cones. You know what I mean? Alright. Lauren B. That was a genuine... I didn't high-five myself. We didn't start with Lauren B, did we? No, we started with Kyla. Oh, you're right. Lauren B. That was a genuine. I didn't high five myself. We didn't start with Lauren B, did we? No, we started with Kai Yula. Oh, you're right. Oh, your notes are backwards.

No. Oh, you're right. You're right. I wrote Lauren B because I thought we might still keep score, but we are not going to win this. Oh, yeah. This is a good time for us to confess that we have opted out of our fantasy league. We are in last place. Yeah. confess that we have opted out of our fantasy league we are in last place yeah which me and right now we're at the point where everybody drops down to one and all three of the women were taken so there was literally no way we could take not that there's anything we think lauren b

brings in well here's the thing she's gonna win the whole thing yeah but she's not a big smoocher and you get your points in fantasy through the the kisses I'm going to go ahead and say, after today, after that teaser, everything's on the table vis-a-vis the finale. Yeah, we're not 100% on Lauren B anymore. I was yesterday. Yesterday

I would have sworn a stack of Bibles. Yesterday we woke up, we had our morning conversation about how Lauren B was going to win. I put on my dental dam just to ready to face the day um started out with kyla 001 kyla 001 uh not much of a date honestly no i i remember when they they get on the river they got on a river which was like a long ass bamboo boat that was was piloted by a very old, sweet-looking man. And they just kind of sat there on the boat. Yeah, not a lot of talking.

Very little talking. The only thing they talked about is how they weren't talking. And how anxious she was. And how, to her, she just started being anxious last week because when they pared it down, like, it got serious for her. Yeah, and she said she's like, you know, I think I'm overthinking enjoying the moment. Just like, what does that even mean? I don't know. She was in her own head, and Ben kind of kept trying to, like, give her pep talks and be like.

Do you think it was, like, go to 20 line 20 go to 10 like it was a fucking like feedback loop in her programming oh well she's very close to water you think she's just terrified the whole time that whole river cruise just like oh no oh no i keep my batteries in my torso um yeah she oh boy i don't want i mean we're gonna talk about this episode in chronological order but kind of a disappointing like kayla was just kind of disappointing this week like kind of fizzled out like she's been such a strong competitor the whole time like she's such a strong competitor that we've whipped up an entire fiction around the fact that she's a fucking

yeah uh some sort of cyber organism that was built to be perfect at the bachelor and then just like didn't didn't didn't not only was she bad at like winning the heart of the ax man ben higgins but like she's bad at winning america's heart too like her trademark smile and like cheery disposition that he was such a big fan of yeah like she was just way too freaked out it just did not appear until too late they did eat that jerk chicken though that should look good yeah they got off the raft and stopped at like a little a little stand and he was like hey you're weirding me out yeah like big like big big time um and then oh they they did, so they did, he distributed Chris Harrison's sex invitation, which she received with, like, the least amount of, like, thought I've ever seen.

It was just like, she's just, go to your rooms, this fancy suite will be provided to you. And she's like, yep, let's go. Come on. Come on. Come on. Well, before that, she does say, she said part of the reason she's been weird is that she wanted to tell him that she was in love with him. And Ben was like, that's what I've been wanting. He seemed so relieved. Yeah. Well, he doesn't say that's what I've been wanting.

He's like, that's what I thought. That's why I thought you were being so, like, I forget the exact wording. But his point was, I thought that's why you were being so weird. It's because you're in love with me and he sounded so like he said it with childlike glee yeah like maybe now it's not going to be weird uh and so they they walk into the ocean there's fireworks um there's a good 45 minutes of fireworks it seems like they seem to continue they're in the ocean there's fireworks going off they get out of the ocean and dry off still fireworks walk back to the hotel room fireworks through the lobby fireworks up the stairs fireworks into the room fireworks they lay down on the bed

make out fireworks still happening and then a door closes uh-huh and then some other kind of fireworks if you don't talk about what elvis costello might call indoor fireworks that was a winking noise that wasn't supposed to sound like a dental dam being activated. I'll Google it tomorrow and I'll probably regret a lot of the shit I said tonight. I think it's just, it's for oral course. I don't think it's for intercourse. Are you saying that? Wait, hold on.

Do you think a dental dam goes on your mouth? No, I'm saying it goes in the lady part, but it is to protect people from mouth stuff, not sperm stuff. There's two, okay, the Wikipedia picture gentle dam is divided into two equal but opposite components, and one is about dentistry and the other is about safe sex.

Yeah, it's usually for use for cunnilingus and analingus, especially for women who have sex with women. However, they're rarely used by women who have sex with women for this purpose, and there is no good evidence that the use reduces STI transmission in this group. There you go. Like, what the fuck? It barely reduces STIs.

Yeah. All right. So it sounds like, hey, this is your first Rosebuddies. Woo! This is your first Rosebuddies. Well, congratulations, Rachel, but congratulations, America, because the more you know. Apparently, like, don't use dental deals. Like, figure out a better solution anyway if we have taught you nothing else this season anyway they

blast off and there's still fireworks going on um and they i don't want i don't know what you guys want to hear me say but they made love probably probably i don't know that's one thing we talked about this season more than previous seasons there's been more mystery i think in previous seasons they would like really heavy-handed like make it seem like and and her shirt lowers and then there's like splooshy noises what like like in the subtitles they'll'll say... Vagina friction sound. No, they make it more clear. And now they're going to intercourse. 311's Amber plays in the background.

Splooshing noises. I'm just saying this season... We have a score. This is gross. And we'll admit it right now. And I know you've all wanted us to talk about the rules of our. We can do that next week. Yeah. Well or we can even save it for the

midseason because we've still been trying to figure out how we're going to pad the like eight weeks of non-Bachelor content that we're going to have to fill. Yeah. It's going to be dark times folks. Dark times. But one of the points on our score sheet is obviously hooked up in the fantasy suite. Because sometimes you do get like the lights go go out and then that's what I'm

saying. You do get me like I was crazy. Well, it doesn't say fucking splooshing noises, but they'll like turn the lights out from outside. They're like filming up into the room and then you see the lights go out and then it remains on it for like five seconds. And then maybe you hear like a,

and that's it. Like that's usually about as far as it gets. And then sometimes it'll be like creaking noises but not splooshing noises how is your little groan soft it'll be like soft moans but it won't be like this sound of like of a vaginal wall we're getting no we're getting real this is the sex episode if we're not gonna bust this stuff out now when are we gonna bust it out i have said nothing that would be considered obscene by the by the fcc all of this is not obscenity first of all we're recording this well it's not after 10 p.m it's after 10 p.m on the east coast so i can say technically whatever the hell i want to um all i said was vaginal wall okay so that's that's basically it for for kayla's date we see them in the morning coffee in bed

shoes on the floor and then shoes on the floor well they do this every episode they like zoom in on something on the floor they did it with with lauren and jojo yeah but where the fuck else are the shoes gonna... They probably don't have a Jamaican cubbyhole. Well, with the other two women, you see clothes on the floor. But with Kayla, you just see very carefully placed shoes on the floor. Suggesting like, oh, she took her shoes off. What the fuck does that mean?

I think you took a note of that being like Harriet the Spy. Like, I've cracked it. I don't think it's anything, baby. Anyway, he leaves. We see him walk down to the ocean. She looks at him from above. They wave. And that's the end of their date.

Yeah. And Kayla's like, I think he loves me, too. He just didn't, you know, he couldn't say it. But I just felt. Let's talk about that couldn't say it, but I just felt. Let's talk about that. I felt it. Because I saw a lot of people tweeting that were confused. A lot of people who's, I can't believe there's so many people's first season.

It's like, it's kind of flattering that this is a show on board with them. But yet, typically, historically, and they're getting more loosey goosey with it now. The Bachelor or the Bachelorette cannot say i love you back to the contestants yeah i can't say it they always get it said to them like invariably like somebody busted out before the proposal that's why the contestants make such a big deal out of saying it to the bachelor bachelorette because they know they're not going to hear it back like it's it's tough it's a tough thing to do chris yeah i mean if they knew that they could say it back it would not be yeah even even from a fakey fake tv bullshit perspective i could still say it from the other

person but not knowing what they're going to say even if it's like totally fictional it's still like embarrassing because you don't want to do that shit on tv and then get smacked out um uh chris souls did it we were trying to remember who he said it to and i'm pretty sure it was chris souls um but chris souls said it to one i'm pretty sure it's chris souls um but chris soul said it to one of the women and i remember seeing that being like and my mind exploded so this time when he does say it uh when ben says it like it was less affecting but still like pretty bonkers because in the in the grand scheme of things it's only happened as far as i know just once before this episode that a bachelor bachelorette has said I love you to the woman. Well, yeah.

And for those of you that don't watch the show, surprise, Ben says I love you to two women. Yeah. On this episode. Let's get it out. And certainly by just sort of like deduction, you've figured out who did it. So next is Lauren B. Yeah. Lauren B.

And they have a super cool date. It's probably one of the best dates I've made. Certainly the best date of the season. Maybe one of the best dates I've ever seen on the show. It starts, like, very first thing they do, baby sea turtles. Which I didn't, can I say something? I did not know what I was into. There was a man named Mel.

I saw somebody in the group say that they wanted to be the Bachelor for the next season. It was just fun because he looked like, he just looked like a fun, pleasant, older man named Mel with a British accent who was, like, very into the survival of sea turtles. Yeah, they learn all about him. They, like, pull up a little, like, chicken wire thing and there's all these little babies and they have to wash them off and he's talking about the predators and how they like make sure that the little babies survive they made it sound so at first they were like we put a little cage around these little guys so they can't leave i was like fuck that no mel mel no i trusted you but then he was like but then like in the wild like one out of every thousand don't get fucked up by a crab. And it's like, all right, Mel, you do your thing. I trust you now.

Yeah, and so they take this big bucket of turtles and they, like. That sounds bad. When you say a big bucket of turtles. That's what it was. Yeah, but turtles don't do anything for me. Turtles don't do anything for me. A big grown-up ass turtle, like, I see that and I'm like, no. Oh, yeah, these were, like, silver dollar size.

They were silver dollar size little adorable little guys. Real cute. They were cute little guys, and they were flapping their flappers so much. They were just... I didn't think anything was going to beat water pigs. Yeah. These little, little, little turtles that you could hold, like... I'm holding my hands out, and I'm cupping them both.

I could probably get, like, 12 to 13 turtles in there yeah just wiggling around flipping their old flappers just trying to get to the ocean so they all go to they all the turtles go to the ocean how do they find their like mom and dad i don't think that's part of the deal they're just like bye kids i think so don't get fucked up by a crab i mean that's what was kind of confusing to me i thought usually the way it works in the wild is like the the mom turtle or some turtle will come and they'll like uncover the eggs and then the little turtles will follow yeah the parent into the ocean i don't know what this was but then the parent turtle's like, tubular, dude. Just catch the flow.

Like I'm finding Nemo. Yeah. I loved these little ass turtles. Yeah, they were great. But, uh, yeah, they put them in the sand and they go out

into the water. Wash them off, get them a little turtle bath. And they get sandy again. I don't really know why. Yeah, it was pointless. That was probably just because it was so cute. That's for my benefit. Yeah. Mel they get Sandy again. I don't really know why. Yeah, it was pointless. That was probably just because it was so cute.

That's for my benefit. Yeah. Mel knows what you like. Mel knows exactly what I like. Hello, Griffin. Would you like to see me wash off a few turtles? I'm the turtle dad. Come on, Griffin. You could be one of my turtles. You could be one of me turtles.

Griffin was calling him the turtle dad, and I thought there was a really good splinter reference in there somewhere that he could make but i don't know enough about definitely doesn't look like splinter though tm and t to make that kind of joke um no he looked like um kenny rogers but british yeah he didn't look like splinter the rat the rat ninja no but isn't splinter like kind of the turtle dad i mean he didn't produce that he didn't like no but he's like a blast off blast off and a bunch of turtles he's like a father figure yeah sure uh that was only the start of the date though and. And then it got real. Yeah. Well, they sit on a bleach blanket.

No, a beach blanket. And they have a really sweet heart-to-heart where Ben tells the story that we all saw last week where he was talking to Lauren's sister. He made sure to drop it. Yeah. I cried, by the way. Hey, by the way, these eyes here, they were juicing. Your sister was like, you're so great. And I was like, yeah, I know. And I cried.

It was cloudy with a chance of meatballs up in these eyes, crying over you, baby. That's what I was like over you. Just thought about how perfect you are. And I was just like. That's when I was like, over you, just thought about how perfect you are. And I was just like, meh. And your sister, like, went wild. Loved it.

And then Ben was like, you know, your sister was saying all these nice things about you and how great you are. And you're too good to me. Or you're too good for me. Like, it just occurred to me that you're too good for me. And you're too good for me. It just occurred to me that you're too good for me. And she's like, Ben! That's the only way that she's capable of saying his name unconvinced. Ben! Sweetest pumpkin pie. She was just blown away by that comment.

You're legitimately the man of my dreams, Ben. It was a real cute moment. I made the comment when these comments were taking place. I'm starting to feel it for these two. Yeah. And I haven't felt this. I mean, I definitely haven't felt this way since Sean and Catherine.

But I haven't really felt that deep connection like I did with Emily and Jeff with 1F. And that hurt me. So I haven't opened myself. I haven't even opened myself up to the fucking possibility. It's probably made me hard. Like, maybe I really would have gotten into andy and chris maybe i would have gotten into them but i was fucking it's hard like a turtle shell like a like an adult turtle i need to have that soft soft baby turtle shell and let

the crab of love bite into me oh that was beautiful uh here's what i will say though about lauren b and ben not particularly interesting people just really into each other yeah but like nice i think that they're both super nice people and i i mean you know sean and katherine who i adore aren't like they're not like fucking in Cirque du Soleil doing stunts all the time. Yeah, but they were kind of quirky and funny together. I think that's true of these two. Maybe not. Maybe I'm projecting.

Tell me a funny exchange they've had. Tell me a funny thing they said to each other. Or like a funny moment. There's the moment in the After the Credits today where a crab bit his toe. And he was like, a crab bit my toe. And she was like, yeah, I saw it yeah so that was pretty good um after they had their little beach blanket love chat um they go to the reggae club is that right yes yeah yeah which seems like another like cool thing that they did. You think about Kayla.

They got on a raft. They ate some food. That was it. And then they went and ate some more food in a different, a third location. But Lauren B. got, like, baby turtles. They went to, like, a dope-ass reggae concert. And some live reggae music. That looked, like, fun as hell. It did look really fun.

I would have blazed it and just, like, ate that jerk and then done the jerk right there on the floor. By which I mean the dance. I would not have jerked off in Jamaica in front of a big crowd of strangers. It is a sex episode though. We're going to be throwing a lot of challenging ideas at you. They're going to be coming fast and furious. NSFW, don't listen around your boss because he or she will know.

You should, you should edit in a warning at the beginning now. No, they know. Now they know. And now it's just going to get looter. Now it's only going to get more and more lewd. This is your warning. The next 25 minutes of this show are going to get more lewd.

It's going to be fucking wet and wild. It's going to be super water zero. But Griffin and Rachel, you talked about dental dance for like 12 minutes. Yeah, I know. Now imagine what's worse than that. Because that's what we're going to be hitting even harder. So they go to the sandals after that. Accommodations provided by sandals.

Thank you, sandals. Can we say, thank you, sandals? Well, we didn't like it to go to sandals. No, I know, but it looked like they all had a really great time. Were they all staying in the same sandals? Somebody we were watching with was like, made the comment of like, do they like change the sheets between sessions? And it's like, well, it's in three different rooms. Yeah, it's not the same room.

That would be weird. Just like getting my pig trough. Come on into my love arena. There are weird hairs all over the place. I don't know who they belong to. Just nestling. There's a half inch of standing fluid.

Just from something. You don't know what it's from. There's that lewd content. And there's definitely a smell. Definitely, definitely a smell. A rowdy smell. A permanent smell. We're burning the sandals to the ground when we leave.

Well, I guess after Kayla, though, it would just be like a WD-40 kind of smell. Rachel. A robot joke? No? Too soon? I think she's advanced beyond like needed. She's not the fucking tin man she's an advanced bio-organism whatever whatever stuff that whatever like synth fluid she leaves

behind has like amino acids in it oh god i'm saying that's how sophisticated there's nano machines what is that what do you mean what does that mean i've said too much okay uh and this is where things get real sweet between those two um i took some notes here so ben starts saying um well they start talking about their relationship and she says i'm completely in love with you. And typically that is where Ben would stop and they would make out. And that would be the end of it. But Ben starts talking, says, you know, after me and your family, especially, I know you don't jump into things. And then he says, I've known I'm in love with you for a while. Which like.

Unprecedented. Yeah. I think if if crystal i'm almost certain crystal said if he did it was just like i love you yeah not like here's some backstory the fucking axe man drops that line maybe a dozen times throughout the episode they keep saying it um and lauren b's reaction is the most, maybe the most adorable. It's like, it's on par with, like, not all the baby turtles they saw, but if you could take, like, five or six of them and, like, separate them. It's like, that's my new metric for, like, how adorable things are. And, like, her just, like, falling backwards.

Like, I think she even just said, like, what? Yeah, she did. And then, yeah, they say it back and forth a few times. And it's like, America's just like, what? Yeah, we could feel it. I could feel it. Like it's, tell me it's real. The feeling that I feel.

That's another good love jam. That it's real. Don't let love come just to pass us by. Harmonize with me. You don't know the words, do you? No, I don't. Do you know who did it? No.

Gosh! Gosh! Gosh! Casey and JoJo. I'm sorry. It's a sweet exchange yeah and then they share a wet embrace

again we don't see any closed captions flushing it's just they cut away in parenthesis thigh clapping like if I say it no it's just they cut away no like print in parentheses thigh clapping like if i say it the same way twice in a row then the curse will be broken um but that could be any that could be that like like they're like doing like a little like a little soft shoe a little bluegrass like spoons number.

Well, I mean, I'm sure there was some spooning. Hey, well. Wait, hold on, hold on. She's really dragging her heels on this one. And so this is, we come back and camera zooms in, clothes on the ground. So more than shoes. Shoes on the fucking floor, ladies and gentlemen. You know what that means. So we're, clothes on the ground. So more than shoes. Shoes on the fucking floor, ladies and gentlemen. You know what that means. So we're actually clothes on the ground.

If these shoes are flooring, don't touch the door-in. Lauren. Lauren. There's our t-shirts. If the shoes are on the flooring, don't bother Lauren. She's making love. Lauren. Don't bother Lauren. She's making love.

And Ben comes in with the room service and he's like, I made breakfast. And they're just the cutest. And then they go outside and they talk about how they love each other again. They're like sitting by a pool and he's like, I do love you. No, does he say do? Yeah, he does. Because remember, we thought maybe that was a clip from him saying it to another person yeah and then we know it's him saying it to

lauren again tricked us because they definitely did and lauren's talking to the camera after and she's like ben ben's just my person that's really sweet but she said this while he was walking away to get another woman's stink all up on and all over and inside him. Yeah. Yeah, we all were thinking, like, he just told this woman he loved her, and now he is literally leaving their love bed to go into the bed of another. Tempted by the fruit of another. Tempted by the truth is discovered.

What's been going on? Ooh, change the tempo. I don't know how to keep up. Now that you've been gone. There's no other way. You got it, baby. I know that one. You know who sang that one?

Soft Cell? No. They did Tainted Love. Oh, shoot. Squeeze. Squeeze. Squeeze. Ugh. Okay, anyway.

Not important at all. You know what it's like to be on a podcast now where you're just constantly Googling errata and interrupting the flow. Well, I mean, you are. I'm not. Yeah, but you're party to it. That's true. Jojo. Jojo.

Jojo received a lot of CGI Andy Serkis touch-up treatment. Yeah, her swimsuit was maybe the most revealing of the bunch. Yeah. So she had to get the most. The most. Like the left and right side of her right and left breasts, respectively. The outside portions of her bosom. Side boobs, I might, respectively. The outside portions of her bosom. Side boobs, I might call it.

The outside portions of her bosom. Andy was putting in a lot of really good work over there. Maybe it's not his most challenging acting challenge, because he mainly just had to stay stationary and look like solid flesh or whatever. But I thought he did just had to, like, stay stationary and look like, you know, like solid flesh or whatever. But I thought he did a great job. And that's why he brings in the big bucks. They are in swimsuits. They're walking around a waterfall.

And they get to the I love you's pretty quick on this date. Yeah, they don't fuck around. She says, I Um, she says, I mean, she just like drops it. Yeah. She's like, I, you know,

I just want you to know, I'm not just, I'm not just falling in love with you. I do love you. And do you know, do the listeners know about, I do love you. And like the really important distinction that like,

that is the only, it's so a lot of this show is watching and like being able to analyze and be like, that's bullshit, bullshit. That's bullshit. That's acting. That's bullshit. That's gameplay. that's bullshit that's acting that's bullshit that's gameplay that's bullshit and then hoping holding out hope in your heart that like there's a real connection happening here and trying to find that

shit when somebody says do in it when somebody says i do love you that's like that's how a person who's extremely uncomfortable says i love you to somebody else. I do love you. Yeah, well, there's this big understanding. I think maybe it's because of the sex that happens in the fantasy suites. Like, if you haven't said I love you, you better say it before you hook up that night. Like, there's an understanding that it happens at the latest on this episode. And it used to happen. It used to be all three of the finalists would say it in this episode invariably.

And now they've just been pushing the envelope forward and forward. And now it's like week one. It's like, I just feel it. I got to say it. Don't say it. Don't fucking say it. That's how Olivia got in trouble. Well, Olivia was in trouble long before she did that.

Yeah, but he kind of cited that as his reason. Like, oh, you're in love with me? Shoot, I better end this. I think he was looking for a dope ass easy reason yeah so jojo drops it like in her very like is i don't want to say rehearse because that sounds shitty but like she knew what she was going to say and she said it uh and she looked like she wasn't expecting really anything out of it and then he says jojo i love you too and that's like it looked like you full force just punched her right in the face and she more than lauren b like you can see it wash over her of like i've got this i've won this this is mine

and that's when like i tweeted like ben what the fuck are you doing homie because that's like that's some brutal shit like because both of them had the same reaction like yeah you summed it up like i got i won yeah this never happens the fact that like yeah you summed it up like i got i won yeah this never happens the fact that he said it must mean that i'm i i've won she has like a little panic attack and she's like starts being like she was already like pretty affectionate with him starts being like really affectionate like she says like babe i'm so happy right now that's like that that term of endearment yeah i noticed that i need that babe too like way more familiar all of a sudden yeah which is like it sucks like it's gonna oh god the finale's gonna

be fucking devastating for somebody for america definitely um but it's interesting watching that switch get flipped of like now you're like now you're feeling like now you feel like oh shit i gotta step it up and if you've just said like i love you to a person and it's it's like that's just what you say at this point in the game and then they say it back to you and it becomes very very like real and unprecedented i don't think like they can't keep doing this every season where people say it before the the proposal or whatever because then like you won't get this effect of something like oh shit is this is this casey and jojo real real do you think here's a question do you think jojo is as in love as lauren b now how do i how can i even quantify that i think lauren b has been more

on this level that it looked like jojo just got to when he like scared the shit out of her with this i felt like jojo's response was almost a little theatrical was almost a little bit like oh oh we're at this place now oh okay babe like it just it felt a little like i have a hard time judging it because i feel like she hasn't been a front runner as long as lauren b has like it wasn't for me it wasn't until the water pig date where i was like oh they actually have like a pretty good connection like i at that point like she was just sort of in the in the middle of the pack and could have gone home at any point and i wouldn't have been especially surprised but that was when she sort of started to separate herself for for lauren b it's like

from week one i was like that's gonna be the winner um and so i don't i don't know i honestly don't know which is like why i'm we can talk about this later when we talk about the teaser for the finale but like i have no fucking clue what's gonna happen up in that finale yeah uh what else did they do on this date well the one thing one thing that Ben tells us, the viewer, is after that exchange, Ben starts saying, like, you know, I just, I feel like I really need to get the support of her family. Like, now that we're at this place.

A lot of discussion about how your family is. And so they start talking about the brothers again, of like. And she acted like she didn't know what had been talked about what had been discussed which seems like you would have found out oh oh you know they're good guys they just haven't seen us together just like really in love with me like really like but not like brother sister and like like love love love like griffin loves rachel like that level of it does that make sense that's that's a thing right like two brothers just being madly in love with their younger sister um yeah it got weird uh and yeah there's a lot of discussion about that that's probably going to

weigh into whatever happens in the finale there's a lot of discussion in our group of like maybe he calls the family to like get blessing for jojo but i just can't foresee a scenario there's a lot of teasers of the final episode that we've seen at this point, where it shows Ben on the phone. He says the words, I'm about to ask somebody to spend the rest of their life with me, but how can I do that if there's somebody else I love more? And then it shows

him making a call on the phone. So it definitely seems like he doubles back somehow. We've really attached to that phone call, and I don't think it's significant as it seems. Sure. Um, did they do anything else on their date, though? They make, I don't think it's significant as it seems. Sure. Okay. Do they do anything else on their date, though? I mean, obviously they make hot, stanky love.

They get in the swimsuit, and they get in the pool. Just fucking Andy Serkis gets back out. They pop champagne, and you were very excited. She catches the cork. That was some dope shit. I missed it. No, it ricocheted around the room, and she was like, bazinga, grabbed it. It was dope.

It was sick as hell. And yeah, and then we cut away away we assume they're having sex and then morning time they're feeding each other fruit and and they're literally doing the like you're so cute no you are you're the cutest no you are the cutest so it was like one of them said what is that and. So it was like, one of them said, what is that? And the other person was like, it's watermelon. And they ate it and they're like, it's actually pretty good. Like, yeah, it's fucking watermelon. It's dope.

Like, it's really good. Maybe. It's like the biggest and best fruit that there is. Maybe watermelon's like their inside thing where they've had long cocks about how it's not good. Did you just say long cocks? You definitely, no. I said long cocks about how it's not good. Did you just say long cocks? You definitely, no. No, I said long cocks.

I'm going to run it back and I'm going to do it in like pulse stretch, like stretch out the audio like way, way long. And people are like, yeah, that was a hard C consonant sound. I said long cocks. Somebody's in the spirit of the sex episode, Rachel McElroy, you dirty bird. Where they've had long cocks about how it's not good. Long cocks. Long cocks.

Well, we'll let the listeners decide. They've decided. They're tweeting at you right now. I can't believe you've said this. Oh, God, I hope they don't tweet at me. Rachel, I can't believe you would say this. I'm scandalized. Hashtag long cocks.

Me, the mayor of the city? I've been scandalized. I was listening to my favorite podcast about my favorite TV show. And then one of the hosts, a devilish little woman, said, Henry, she said the words long cocks. I've never, I've never. Okay. So this is when we know he told Lauren, he loves her.

He told Jojo, he loves her, which is like, it's just bonkers. Like Rachel, I love you. Audience, I love you too. Superwater Zero, I love you.

Computer Monitor, I love you. I mean, that's all true. These are all true things. You do love all this. No, equally. Lamp, I love you. It's just like, if you're just gonna say shit. You don't think it's possible for a person to be in love

with two people at once that they met equally at the same time eight weeks ago that they've had like fucking maybe four hours combined interaction with hello i think maybe i can suspend my disbelief and be like love at first sight you have that shit with one person you're like bazinga i found it i found her like found her. Like, I can buy into that at, like, base level cynicism. Like, I can buy into that at that point. But for that to happen two times is, like,

it's, like, crazy. It's like opening up a clam and there's two pearls up in it. No. No. No. I think he said it to Lauren, what I said in the moment when he said it to Lauren B and I knew the other one was coming, I was like, this is so fucking real that I think he just, like, said What I said in the moment when he said it to Lauren B, and I knew the other one was coming, I was like, this is so fucking real that I think he just said it. It just came out.

And then the producers were like, well, in order to keep things spicy, say it to JoJo, too. And he dropped it. Yeah, but he says it a lot to JoJo, too. He does say it a lot to JoJo. It's not like he just says it once. Another theory is that he's the greatest ax man to ever play the fucking sport and it's just gotten too easy for him and he's trying to like add some difficulty to it by like getting deep into the log that he's about to split yeah like

creating a situation that is hard to get out of. And based on the teasers we've seen in the finale, it seems like he even kicks it up a fucking notch. And he goes, like, crazy on it. And I think even if he breaks everybody's heart, by the end of it, in the finale, after the final rose, people are going to be like, Ben, you're a number one D-bag, but you're the best that's ever played this fucking game.

And that'll be a standing ovation. And he'll get put, he'll be inducted. his jersey will raise into the air and they will never use the name ben nobody named ben will ever be allowed on the show ever again uh so we know he's in love with two women there is a third woman this is like 40 minutes left in the like as soon as he says it to jojo he says it's jojo we're not even an hour into the episode it's like well that's it for we're not even done with jojo's date yet we're just the third date we're like well kayla's done yeah yeah we know that things are going to end with kayla and uh traditionally it would happen at a rose ceremony but kayla either of her own volition or pushed by a producer, decides to go visit him.

Because it's been a while since she's seen him. And she shows up, and she is just a bubbly schoolgirl, just giggling, just running through the house looking for Ben. And running up behind him on the bench. And he is sitting on that bench, and he is looking morose. He is like, Oh, I know I have to do this. And she surprises him, puts,

she activates her like stealth. Dot. E X E puts her hands on his eyes. And, and he, he looks, the look on his face is like a little uncomfortable. Yeah.

Um, they played that. They, they, they did some weird editing there where like, she was so happy. It's kind of a shitty double standard of like when the bachelor has decided that he's done with you it's really easy for the editor the tone changes entirely to make it seem like you are like full-blown single

white female yeah like bonkers and it sucks it's like gross because it's like that's not she probably had no idea that she was going home so she was just being like she was doing happy.exe and like that's all that she's done this whole time only now with the understanding that oh this woman's going home and ben's not feeling it and she's sneaking into his house what would otherwise be like a pretty cute innocuous like yeah they make her look like like a crazy lady like running through ben's house looking for him that's just gonna fucking stab him in the brain as soon as she finds him and so she's like Yeah, they make her look like a crazy lady running through Ben's house looking for him. That's just going to fucking stab him in the brain as soon as she finds him.

And so she's like, oh, let's spend time together. You know, I'm so excited. And she runs up to him. And he's kind of stiff. And she is kind of all of a sudden like, oh, I'm sorry I surprised you. And he's like, no, it's not that. I'm glad you're here because I just wanted to talk to you. And, like, you know, you weren't able to tell me that you were in love with me.

And then as soon as he said that, like, you know, the fucking Pop-Tarts shot out the side of her robot head because she realized, like, the jig is up. Yeah, he's like, you know, the two other women here have said they loved me. And I just reacted. And it just felt natural, and I just couldn't do that with you. Yeah. And so she, like, very quick, the whole exchange was, like, real, real quick. She did not have, like, a sloppy, like, breakdown. Well, there was an interesting moment, because she's like, okay, I want to go. She gets in the car, gets back out of the car

well before that even happens she says uh he's like i've had such a good time getting to know you and it's like i i really like it's just the other two women here saying that like i wanted that for us but like i don't think it's gonna be like that and she says well that sounds like a line but thanks it's like whoa okay um she she doesn't have this, like, and this is another double standard that, like, apparently I also subscribe to, but, like, when you make it this far, when you get kicked off the show, if you don't just, like, fall to pieces, like, I look at that and I'm like, well, then maybe, like, if you say to a person, like, I love you, and then that person says, cool, let's's go on a date and then later that week is like fuck right off and you're not like devastated by that and that's why she gets back out of the car because she suddenly has this realization of like i think she's in shock and i think she gets in the car and then she realizes like wait we'll wait and she gets out of the car it's like i'm gonna use this time while i have it and then you can tell she's thinking like wait how

long have you known you know like how long like did you know before before we even had our date did you know before we like had the fantasy suite and he's like oh no no no no no no you wouldn't i wouldn't be here but you could just see this real moment where she's just like i'm gonna get some answers like i've been in the bottom this whole time you never thought yeah you know she was sad in the car no you're right how much you need really a lot apparently do you want her to like short circuit entirely? I would like to see a short circuit sequel starring KylieLizzo01. I mean, there was already a sequel to Short Circuit. Yes.

I want... She's going to be definitely throwing some fucking heat. Throwing some zangers next week. The women tell all. Yeah. We'll talk about that later. It's going to be tricky to do an episode on, but we'll figure something out. Yeah.

Yeah, she's going gonna come back with vengeance i i am not i i here's what i'm saying i didn't want to focus too much on like she didn't cry enough for me so i i just feel like she just kind of fizzled out there at the end and not just because she got sent home like caitlin got sent home in third like lots of really great contestants have been sent home in third place. It's an honorable position to be sent off in better even than I think than second place. Um, what I'm saying is like, it just kind of feels like her,

her finish on the show is not. Well, they set it up a little bit, right? Because we start seeing, I mean, for weeks now we've seen Kayla get in her own head, like they'll have dates

and he'll be like oh what are you thinking you know you're normally smiley all the time anytime that she's not but i think a lot of that was just like her trying to counter encounter the axe man and try to make him do a little bit of the chase which apparently oh see you always thought that was strategy yeah i don't think so i think this week made it clear like that's not strategy she's just like can't be in the moment yeah well one step back for ai testing i guess she she failed the turing test um what if next season like it's just because next season will be the bachelorette. What if the fucking IBM, like, Watson, like, screen is one of the, like, I can understand idioms. I don't.

Would you like to see my attachments? And then you would have, like, a variety of attachments. So you're saying he would compete for Kayla's love? Is that what you're saying? Well, no, that wouldn't be fucking fair. Because you'd be like, Watson, thank you. I will take the other robot. Thank you. It will be very easy for us to make up. No, I don't think. fucking fair because you'd be like uh watson thank you i will take the other robot thank you

it'll be very easy for us to make up i don't think i mean you got you got to go for somebody that's a little different than you two silence two silence can't make a baby with each other that's why the silence had to start like hooking up with men in the first place that's another way to say it yeah that's a good point baby i didn't think't think about that. Yeah. So, yeah, she gets sent home. They still have a rose ceremony. Yeah, Chris Harrison shows up for the first time. What the fuck, CH? Like, somebody pointed out that at some point in the episode, Ben said, like, I just wish I had a guide through all this. Like, you did, you ungrateful fuck.

Pay attention to the gifts they've been giving you. Yeah, so Chris Harrison greets both of the ladies. Like, oh, do you have a good date? And they're both like, yeah, we'reets both of the ladies, like, oh, do you have a good date? And they're both like, yeah, we're in love. And Chris is like, oh, cool. Great. Yeah. Especially Lauren B is like, yeah, he told me that he loves me back.

And he's like, oh, did he? Gang, like, if you're just now watching the show, you have missed, you missed out on the seasons where Chris Harrison was like dropping that shit like he's he's a genuinely he said that one gross thing about like having a minority uh bachelor uh but like for the most part he's been like really a genuinely good host of the show he also was not very happy about the show unreal did you ever see his comments well the character that okay i loved unreal but the way that they portrayed like the host of the fake show and unreal was like fucking garbage it was the worst thing about he like he had like a real donald trump reaction

to unreal where he was just like he's just like oh yeah it's not a very good show and nobody's watching it so that tells you all you need to know sorry chris we watch it it's fucking stellar it's on Hulu now. Yeah. It's great. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah. Chris Harrison dropped some knowledge.

But he used to be in there like every episode. He'd be like, so how's it going? Tell me about your journey. And you get to learn a little bit more about The Bachelor. Now they just deliver that shit in those like one-on-one interviews. Anyway, so the women both go down. They're like, where's Kayla? It's weird.

Kayla's not here. And then Ben shows up and is like, yeah, Kayla's gone um but anyway i'm still gonna give you roses gives jojo the first rose does that mean something i don't know yeah they both have roses they do like an awkward three-person hug ben's like i can't believe that i can touch all of you at the same time he says i can't believe i can hug all of you. That's weird. You changing that one word makes it, like, exceedingly weird. Yeah. And then they keep cheersing. Like, this is just fun.

Yeah, each person gives a toast. Yeah, it's weird. And what's weird is, like, they give toasts to love, which is, like, this weird kind of, like, we're all in love now, right? Like, all three of us are in love. What are the odds that this thing ends in a sister wife scenario zero what can you give me like 0.01 you think they'd go to sister wives before they go to diversity yes i had to think about it but absolutely i do um so let's talk about the finale first then we'll talk about what next week's gonna be like the finale teaser just looks bonkers we've talked about it pretty much throughout the whole episode

yeah i mean we know what we know is uh we meet the parents officially meet the parents we see shots of both of the women crying in different modes of transportation we see ben say the words um i'm about to ask somebody to spend the rest of their life with me when there's somebody else that I'm in love with more. And then we see him saying, I've got to do this or something like that and making a phone call. Yep. The fuck does that mean? We can't even speculate. I have no idea.

Damn it, Bachelor. You fucking got me again. You got me good. Yeah. bachelor you fucking got me again you got me good yeah i mean i think we used to think maybe there was some like third runner-up or somebody that he realized he still had feelings for there's no way he's gonna call up kayla but yeah no it's definitely between lauren and jojo and it's just a question of what if it's caitlin what if it's caitlin no it's's not Caitlyn. Caitlyn broke his heart last season. No. What if it's fucking Caitlyn? No.

It'd be scandalous. But next week is the Women Tell All, which is when all the cast-off ladies come back and they get asked a lot of questions. This will be a big Chris Harrison app, actually. This is where you'll get to see your Chris Harrison because he moderates the discussion. This is where you'll see where he's the best in the game. Typically, he'll say, actually, you know what? No, he's fucking the best in the business because there's a lot of yelling that takes place and he keeps a cool fucking head and he he he steers the conversation

back to a good place it's gonna be a lot of attacks on olivia yeah the best in the business is uh jeff probes i love jeff probes anytime they have somebody on the show who like you're that one guy who like made a lot of like gay jokes at the other dude during tribal council and then like at the at the after the survivor reunion he was like do you get you walk that back at all he's like well you know i if it walks like a duck and jeff was like shut your fucking mouth you're done you're no and the guy's like no i'm just like no you're fucking done you're done i'm jeff probes you're done yeah beautiful hog too beautiful hog on that man anyway i don't know anything about chris harrison's hog i'm sure it's great okay there it is again but yeah it's gonna be the women tell all i do not envy rachel for having to take notes during that i do want me

to take try to maybe should both take notes for women tell all yeah because it's gonna come fucking there's there's just a lot of like there'll be a lot of questions answered for example a lot of you are talking about leah's black eye i'm sure they'll ask her about that they'll ask lace you know whether she regrets leaving hopefully uh what is her name? I've forgotten it already. The military hero. Jubilee? What the fuck? Her name's Jubilee. Hopefully Jubilee will be there. She's named after an X-Man. How do you forget that?

I didn't know she was named after an X-Man. She probably wasn't named after an X-Man, but she sure is. Yeah, it's probably going to be a short episode next week, right? Well, we'll talk about the rules, I think. Could we get people to send in questions about the show? If you're confused about...

We could, but I don't know that we could answer them. Well, no, no, no. I'm not talking about who's going to win, but questions like, why the fuck do you guys watch this? Or who's your favorite contestant of all time? Or why did this person do this in this situation? Or what's a dental dam like i feel like we could really feel that no no no no um yeah no i think i think the women tell all has a lot of a lot of content yeah um i love people were tweeting about the show can we just officially say rose buddies hashtag i know other

people are using it for other shit, but Rosebuddies cast, nobody's using. If you want to hear about the show, live tweet it. We're always on Twitter looking at our phones while we're taking notes and watching the show. And the tweets are fucking amazing. Rosebuddies is the official hashtag

of Rosebuddies. And then we have the Rosebuddies group on Facebook that is fire nonstop. And thank you to everybody that responded to our call for reviews on iTunes. We got a whole bunch of them and they were all so positive. It was great. We get a lot of requests from people saying like,

you should do RuPaul's Drag Race, which if we do that we're going to have to get cable. Somebody made the point of like, hey Griffin, is this podcast like your long con to get Rachel to agree to get a cable box in your house um the answer is yes the answer is yes we have people say like you should do a survivor one like i we're trying we're already like figuring out how we can bridge the gap between this and bachelor in paradise and then bachelor in paradise yeah we're not gonna like go dark entirely in between yeah we're gonna figure out ways to like keep the thing going

because for those of you that don't know there is a short break in between seasons. Yeah, we're going to figure out ways to keep the thing going. Because for those of you that don't know, there is a short break in between Bachelor and Bachelorette that is usually about a month or two. Between Bachelor and Bachelorette? Yeah. Between Bachelor in Paradise and Bachelorette. No, it's going to go Bachelor, Bachelorette, and then Bachelor in Paradise. Bachelor in Paradise is the summer hit. No, Bachelor in Paradise doesn't start till late. It starts in August or something. No, Bachelor in Paradise doesn't start till late. It starts in like August or something.

No, lately the way it's been starting, Bachelor starts in January. Bachelorette starts in May. Bachelor in Paradise starts in August. Interesting. Okay. I trust you. So anyway, so we'll find some way to keep talking. Keep talking about things.

And you find a way to keep listening. Sorry this episode got so doity. But we had to. It was the fantasy suite. It was the sex episode. I see it and I get just all riled up. How am I supposed to resist? I'm Rachel McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy. When you're ready. Final Rose. Stay with us on this journey of joy. Spoiler alert. She is up with Soulja Boy. Right reasons. Right reasons.

Getting big. Go all four seasons.