Wonderful! - Roze Buddiez: Bachelor Pad Part Two

Episode Date: May 9, 2017

We're halfway through watching this season of Bachelor Pad, and boy howdy, do we feel guilty about watching any of it. It was like we were really thirsty, dying in a desert of bad television, and now we're quenching ourselves on straight-up toilet water. MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reason, right reason, being a good girl for all the right reasons. Right reason, right reason, being a good girl for all the right reasons. I'm the best rep and I'm rapping to your poolside. Here to find truth. Energy, energy. Quick prayer circle. Okay, I'm ready to go.

Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. And this is Rose Bettys. We need to do our vocal warm-ups. We did our prayer circle, we did our energy, and now we need to do our vocal warm-ups. Do you want to lead us off? Mm-hmm.

Go ahead. Lead us off. The rose, the rose above, the rose below, the rose above, the rose below. the rose above, the rose below. Is that a real one? No. Ah, shit, babe. You go.

Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather, red. I thought we would make up ones that were on theme. I made that one up. On theme. Do you remember when Erica came out and she was wearing an outfit that was all red and see? That's why we do them. That's why we do the fucking things is because I just tripped up my words

and now I'm the asshole. This is Rose Betty's. In this podcast, we talk about the bachelor pad season two and it is, um, well, we are now not forever. I feel like we might always be talking about bachelor pad season two.

I don't know. Um, I don't know how to describe my current relationship with bachelor pad season two i don't know how to explain it because there are parts of it where i can't believe it's on a television show that um we're watching and then there's parts of it that are so you actually saw me earlier today i kind of burrowed into the couch like some sort of um nesting animal like i was trying to escape by way of couch because of the very bad things that abc was making me watch on the television of bachelor pad season two yeah griffin always talks about the skeleton part but he doesn't talk about the second part

which is his fleshy remains and how they roll into themselves. This is very much just a, just sort of a diaper bag of skin. And it was a good God. We're talking about two episodes, episodes two and three. There are six episodes. Maybe we can knock out the last three.

This is in, in one episode next time. This is a fucking, it's tough to watch more money. He's bad boys, isn't it't it yeah there's no winners here there's no person that leaves this season unscathed it's just it's it's just everybody like you see somebody who's like i'm gonna go on this date i'm gonna kiss him just so i get that rose and make him think that i'm in love with them. And you're like, ugh, that's gross behavior. That's all of them, though, is the problem.

Yeah. It is all of them. I think we approached episode one with the idea that we would watch it as we had watched other seasons, where there would be some people we liked and some people we didn't like. And we kind of started to set those pieces in motion. And then these two episodes was like oh they're all terrible it is it is a blend of genuinely um like outrageous reality tv in a way that i like and it's like it represents some of the stuff that i like about sort of the sometimes like benign outrageousness

of the core franchise combined with like some oh my god very problematic sort of characterizations of typically the women in the house um combined with like i genuinely think all but maybe two of the dudes are complete fucking all-star well and i feel rat bags i feel nervous even making that assertion but defending two of them yeah that's fair um you want to get into it yeah let's get into it so so major drama points in case you get the last episode jake and vienna were engaged in jake's season of the bachelor and then they split up and now she's with Casey. Who comes in at episode two? I don't know.

You never know. This could be somebody's first episode of the podcast. And Mike and Molly. Oh, Holly. Do you think they based that show on sort of their love story? They were engaged also, but they split off. And let's see. Last week, Rated R went home and Allie went home.

Yeah, nobody really cares. Oh, and Gia was in danger. Yeah, Gia's kind of on the chopping block. Yeah. Take me away. Okay. Episode two. Okay, so episode two begins.

away okay episode two okay so episode two begins uh jake thinks that he's really gaining ground in fighting this image uh that he has created prior to the show uh we know that's not true but it is very revealing of how little jake knows about how he comes across yeah he um old Jake knows about how he comes across. Yeah, he, um, yeah, I don't really, I have a hard time. The more time I spend with Jake, the less time I want to spend with Jake. I can't imagine watching a whole fucking season of The Bachelor that this dude is in charge of. Yeah, no, I watched his season, and I remember him being bland, but in the kind of inoffensive way that most bachelors are bland. No, I found it quite offensive.

Yeah. No, he's offensive now for sure. Okay. So here's the challenge. This is a rough challenge. This is the roughest challenge i've seen on any person has a target painted on their back and the opposite sex will throw a little egg of paint on the person they think uh responds best to the question they are asked by chris harrison um so the dudes are up

first and they are all standing with their backs to the women. Each woman comes out one at a time and answers the following question. And I'm just going to go ahead and list all the questions. Yeah. And they keep it anonymous. So the dudes don't know who is throwing the eggs at them at any time. The questions are,

who are you least attracted to? Awesome. Who do you think least deserves the 250 000 easy who do you think should go home next oh man and who do you think is the dumbest that one's easy though the last one's easy maybe it's not easy just because like is there a way to sort of throw you ever see like one of those old western movies where it's like you have two bullets to shoot out these three candles and so they shoot um one bullet sort of into the candelabra to turn it sideways and then they shoot the other bullet straight through now they've got them all lined up i bet there was one at least one woman who's like

i i bet i can fucking wanted style curve this bullet so so I hit all of the men simultaneously. That would be nice. Who gets really, I mean, obviously Jake gets dunked on the who's going home next question. Yeah, I would say there aren't a lot of repeats for the other questions. But yeah, Jake gets at least five. Casey also gets a fair amount of who's the dumbest. No, Casey gets who are you least attracted to and who least deserves the money oh okay he doesn't get dumbest will and graham get dumbest i don't even know who will is i don't know who will is i barely know who graham is

i like wrote down the name will and even doubted as i was writing it that was actually a person on the show sorry well there's at least like five every season. Don't take it too hard. You're there with a lot of folks, Will, that are sucking up a lot of oxygen up out the room. Yeah, so Melissa, quote, wins the challenge, which means she hits the most guys with eggs. And so she gets the rose. But nobody wins this challenge.

It's so devastating. Well, especially when the dudes are throwing eggs at the women. It gets fucking really, really hard to watch. Yeah. So there's a little variation in the questions for the women, but not really. The first question is, who do you think is most likely to cheat on you? And it's Vienna and Ella both get eggs. is most likely to cheat on you. And Vienna and Ella both get eggs.

Jake claims that Vienna cheated on him with three men. Who would you most like to go home? This is where Erica starts getting literally hit with a lot of negativity. With more or less every egg.

She gets a bunch of the eggs for go home next. And I think basically all of them for least attracted to. No, she says a little over half. So it's not all. I mean, fuck it, whatever. It's like dudes throwing eggs at women that they're not attracted to. Holy shit.

Like literally hit. Like Michael Stagliano, in an effort to win the challenge like throws it super hard he like he like gives it like a four seam fastball and it's the whole thing sucks in michael at i mean not to forgive him or whatever but immediately he's like he like puts his head down like oh my god what the fuck did i just do and he ends up winning the challenge and like takes her on the date like i'm so sorry that was fucking i wasn't thinking i'm so sorry okay so erica after this is over is pretty upset um and i felt pretty bad for her but then she proceeds to say that she is um definitely more attractive and she really thinks that somebody like ella

would be the one who would be less attractive like basically ella's heavier than i am yeah i still feel fucking awful for her because it was really horrible i know. I know, it was sad. So Mike and... Melissa. So Mike and Melissa end up winning and each gets to take three folks on their... On like a group date. On their group dates. Yeah. Each of them also have another rose that they can hand out.

And remember, if you have a rose, nobody can vote for you in the decision chamber. So before the date happens, we get a little more detail on the Michael Stagliano and Holly story. Because we know, obviously, they've been engaged and it was broken off. But we, I didn't,

at least I didn't know a lot of the details on it. And so he said that he was with Holly for a year before he proposed. And she said yes. And then she called it off only two and a half months before the show is being taped. And then they, no, no, no, they got back together. And then they broke it, she broke it off, and then they got back together. And then he broke it off the second time a couple months before the show.

Two and a half months before, yeah, you're right. Should we talk about Holly's, like like what happens in her romantic life i feel like we didn't talk about this because we didn't like really research like what happened to these folks after they left the house i feel like this might be a good time spoiler though i mean i don't know i know it i feel like can we can we just should we we just say that Holly does end up marrying somebody from the Bachelor franchise? Yeah, but it ain't Mike. It is not Michael. And so, like, this whole time, it's just like watching a...

It's like that scene from Austin Powers. Here's a really good cultural, like, relevant reference. That scene where, like, the steamroller's, like, coming at the dude really slow, and he's just, like, he doesn't move or anything um that's like i feel like that's like mike this whole time just like he keeps asking her on dates and he keeps like it's just dude well this date is especially painful and we'll get to that yeah uh we should also talk about i feel like um v, Vina and Casey, there were some interviews that came out and Vina and Casey were on a show,

I think called relationship rehab, where they sort of hashed out. Celebrity rehab. I don't know. I don't know. Um, it's, it's,

it was like a couples therapy style show where they like got into it. And after they broke up, Vienna, um, talked about how Casey was very emotionally, um, and, and, talked about how Casey was very emotionally, um, and, and like verbally abusive.

Um, and, uh, she, I mean, she definitely said like the same stuff about, um, what's his face?

Jake. Jake. Um, I don't know. I feel like we were maybe too, uh, we kind of acted as if, um, there were, you know know they're equal because she's like

a villain because they're both bad i don't want to give anybody that that impression no because i've i've jake and casey fucking are awful they're both complete monsters especially in these two episodes like i feel like casey moreore sort of reveals himself for who he is which is to say a fucking disaster um but yeah folks were critical and i think like fair um that that we were saying like yeah you know she said that he was abusive but you know she's a she's a real villain on this reality show those two things are not even remotely fucking at all equivalent yeah no we fell victim to kind of the the bachelor bachelorette show which is like there's two types there's there's

villains you know and then there's like the the wifey or the husbandy um and and i think at least on the last episode when i was watching i was like oh um casey and vienna are both villains okay done and it's obviously no they have whole lives and whole things outside of outside of the show um it's yeah it's tough knowing like because i mean this ultimately this wasn't that long ago right this was i don't know i saw a fucking little corner advertisement for pan am coming on and i was like holy shit this was not that long ago. What is Pan Am about? It was like about the airline. It was like a

Mad Men of the Skies, but it lasted like four episodes. I didn't think it was about a man named Pan Am and his detective agency. What happened next on the TV show The Bachelor Pad Season 2? So we alluded to this already, but Mike decides to take Erica because he feels bad about beating her so hard with an egg uh michelle and holly out on the date

um and he says something like oh well because holly and i have experience dating and we have a lot of fun on dates um and they end up going to a haunted hospital sure i mean they they named the hospital but i didn't write it down um but the whole thing is they walk up and michael says this is like wizard of oz except we're going to hell instead of the emerald city uh and all four of them are walking up towards this big haunted hospital and there's flashlights and chains and hospital records and folders paperwork with medicine on it cabinets names and numbers and colored stickers and two ghosts. Erica thinks that she is the least scared and is willing to try and, quote, contact a ghost with Michael.

Hell yeah. While they are contacting a ghost, Michelle is talking to Holly. Who's contacting her own ghost of hers and Michael's relationship. Oh, you like that shit? Yeah, dude. I want some Nicholas Sparks shit right now. This is why you get the big bucks. So Michelle's like, what's going on with you and Michael? It seems like there's still something there.

And is it this the point where Holly kind of says, I'm ready to move on? Does she tell Michelle that? I don't know. I mean, constantly, every conversation she has with people that aren't Michael, she's talking about how it's not going to, including those behind the scenes interstitials. Like, I'm not interested in getting back together with Michael. It's not going to happen. I'm not going to get back together with Michael. I'm not. I i'm not gonna get back together with michael i'm not i feel like that ship has sailed and the universe is telling us not to get together and all of this stuff and yet they keep

going on dates and he keeps giving her roses oh and and so at this point yeah as he does he does give holly a rose he goes out onto the roof with her and talks about how proud he is that they're able to be friends. And that they still have a lot of love for each other as friends. And then they talk about how they want to hang out with each other all the time. And they really want each other to be happy. And this is when she starts to say,

well, I just don't understand why we broke up. It always seemed like the timing was off uh and michael says he misses her a lot and she says don't you always feel like we've been best friends and then it goes quiet for about a hundred days yeah rachel and i wasted away and turned to sand it was and then michael says no i wanted to marry you this i've watched so much fucking reality tv and a lot of it for this podcast hi um this is maybe and i don't know what this says about me the first time i've seen something on a reality show that i felt like man i shouldn't shouldn't be watching that. Yeah, this was devastating.

I shouldn't be, I feel like we talked about in the last episode, like, is that real? You know, that drama, can it be real? And it's like, the more I see of these two, like, yep, these two were, they dated for a long time and got engaged and then broke up and then kind of got back together and then broke up again. And now they're on this show together and like they are radioactive. I shouldn't, like when they are on screen together,

I am thinking about all of that stuff and it's all fucking super real and I feel like I shouldn't be party to it. Like it feels really inappropriate. I think, I don't remember who says this. I wrote this down and now I don't remember if Holly said it or Michael said it but somebody says everything about you I love what do I do with that he says I

love the shit out of you Holly like but they're not gonna get back together they they're not I Griffin 2017 Griffin Andrew McElroy Forbes 30 under 30 media luminary no like they are never never ever getting back together and and and so it's like i'm watching this like i don't know if you've ever been in like a relationship limbo before but it's like if fucking it sucks a lot it's any breakup i've ever had is always like and we're done i've had at least one relationship that like did that and it's like it really sucks a lot because pretty much always it doesn't work out and it is just a it is a slow and awful train wreck that both of you just kind of have to like chill on for a bit like it is and watching that happen on tv knowing the outcome of it is like, man, it stinks a lot. Especially because, like, I know Michael, like, I know, well, not personally, but like,

I know him from the next season of the show that I watch, and I really liked him from that. I think he's like one of the more good dudes to be on this show. And it's, geez, it's just, it's tough to watch, man. Yeah, yeah, because it seems, it's tough to watch, man. Yeah, yeah, because it seems like there's no love lost there. They just kind of couldn't make it work,

and they know that there's nothing different now, but they still have this feeling for each other, because it's only been two and a half months. It has, that's nothing. That's nothing. Anyway, he gives her the rose.

He gives her the rose. I thought he was going to give Erica the rose, because he hit her with an egg pretty hard. Very hard. It was like a Rookie of the Year, like, funky butt-loving situation. It's a great movie. You should watch it sometime. I've seen Rookie of the Year.

I can't remember. He hits the doctor in the nose really hard with his pitching arm, and then the doctor says, funky butt-loving, and then I said, that's the funniest fucking thing I'll ever hear in my life. Oh. Yeah, funky butt loving. And then I said, that's the funniest fucking thing I'll ever hear in my life. Oh. Yeah, it changed me. Okay. Melissa, it's her date.

She takes Kirk, Casey, and Blake. All three men look exactly the same to me. Y'all. How many times in your notes did you write down, like, and then Blake wrote to, I mean, fucking, no, it's Kirk, shit. I mean, i know who casey is because casey is with vienna and they are like the stars of the show yeah kirk and blake i legitimately like i have to really concentrate uh yeah pretty much all the dudes looking i mean

here's a thing i don't know we've talked about um in in the last episode uh everybody's white everybody's white oh yeah super white it's and that's not it's a it's a 100 i mean i i don't want to i don't know well we don't to be fair yeah we can't say with everybody's heritage yes but like there there are no it doesn't there's no people of color in the house like whatsoever. And this is not that long ago. Like, I can't stress that enough. This was, what, 2013? Oh. Yeah.

Was that recent? I think so. When was Pan Am on the air? It wasn't, because we were watching Bachelor and Bachelorette together. I thought it was, like, 2011. Let's see. It started in 2010, and so this would have been 2011, yeah. Okay.

Okay, six years 2011. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Six years ago. Yeah. It's just, it's, it's, it's fucking buck wild, man. I can't believe, like, I can't believe there wasn't a single person of color that you wanted to bring back. Like, on, like, I know y'all don't feature a lot of people of color on this show, especially in the, like, in the late aughts early like on before like it's just it's unbelievable so here's the thing and this

is something this the franchise is notorious for typically people that go on bachelor pad or bachelor in paradise although later in the seasons has changed uh it's people that have lasted a reasonable amount of time on the season and that was like yeah that was not really happened at this point not until the past like a couple seasons although i will say bachelor in paradise they now bring a lot of first episode people yeah they do yeah like you don't remember me i was on one episode um So Melissa's date with the three fucking multiplicity style clone boys. So the date starts and Melissa kind of unprompted. So she's going to give Casey the rose if he's willing to save her at the next elimination where she is not immune.

It's a strategy play. Yeah. And so Casey kind of goes in the date like he's the godfather. Like, oh, everyone comes to me and I, you know, make all the decisions. You know the movie The Godfather? Who did that one? Describe to me the whole plot of The Godfather starting now. Where The Godfather is like...

Opening shot. Okay, come to me. I make the decisions. That was pitch perfect can you do the line of the guy says after they kill the guy in the car and they get out of the car and he tells the guy to get something but leave something you know that line oh this is the one that you like to say yeah can you say it but in like the great accent no that would be offensive to our no not if it's like like exactly right like if you do it exactly right it's you're you're not doing like a

racially charged accent you're doing like a good impression of that actor i like cannoli stop no that's not it i'm sorry i asked I'm sorry I asked Do you want to do it, Griffin McElroy? Okay, I'll do it I like cannolis You were so close I was so close

I like cannolis, but I hate guns So leave it, but bring the cannolis Or does he leave the cannolis? Get the gun, leave the cannolis Because he's on way watchers get the gun in the cannolis i'm gonna shoot the cannolis there's a whole scene where he shoots a whole box of cannolis it's a fucking weird movie man it's like very artsy uh so this is when we learn a lot about our friend blake who looks a lot like Kirk, but is twice as evil.

He is, y'all, low-key the top five worst dude who's ever been in this entire fucking show. Greatest villain. And when I say greatest, I mean worst. And villain is even like, this is another, we need a new vernacular. He's such a little zesty boy. He's not a zesty boy. He's a fucking like real genuine grade A bastard. Yeah. He's

awful. So he, going into the state, the state is on a boat. They're all going to get on the boat together. But before they get on the boat, Blake says that Melissa is not his type, but he knows what he has to do. Uh, and you got to do what you got to do, uh, to get the rose. And so he already kind of sets himself up as like, I'm going to lead this woman on so that I can be safe.

And he does. And he definitely does. They like go in the cabin of this boat that they all have been sailing on. Yeah, he says, he says something like I can tell everything about a person by the way they kiss.

And so then they kiss and he tells us kissing her seemed like an easy way to pacify her for a moment. Fucking dude. Whoa. Yeah, I mean, tells us kissing her seemed like an easy way to pacify her for a moment fucking dude whoa yeah i mean a lot of the treatment of melissa is like oh melissa it's so hard to watch it's it's the people in this house do a lot of there's very it's weird there's very little like survivor esque like gameplay traditional like gameplay happening like taking out the threats

and like forming new alliances when your old ones don't work out for you but there's a lot of like there's a lot of like manipulation going on pretty much constantly and if you don't hang with that like you become the subject of it real fast and it gets real nasty a real quick and that is like a watching like a teen drama like it's like a wb show like the way they go after each other yeah and what what makes it especially fucked up and actually like um like genuinely tough to watch is like what you have to keep in mind is a lot of these folks are real life buddies that like got to know each other at these like bachelor reunions like a lot of these folks come into the house they weren't on each other's seasons they just got to know each other at these big ragers that they go to all the time that the

franchise puts on and so they're real life friends who come into this game and just like fucking devour each other like piranhas it is it's like man it's tough yeah uh so while this date is happening uh jake is again going to try and talk to vienna uh he really thinks that he can make some some headway with her he's basically gonna beg for his life yeah he knows that he's in danger of going home because he's not immune um and so he tries to pull her away he says that he needs to ask her a question and she's like well i don't feel comfortable talking to you without casey there and he's like oh well bring whoever you want and she's like no i would prefer not to and just refuses to talk to him and so jake just goes and walks around out on the

fucking the wet driveway for a while there are a lot of lonely jake shots yeah very like arrested development um christmas time is here style montage so with the date with um melissa and blake and kirk um and casey uh blake gets the rose casey is hurt and feels like it was shady that melissa was like hey i'm gonna give you the rose wait no never mind blake kissed me you don't get it cerebral assassin he's running this game you said i'd have it uh so kirk and casey uh leave the date in a little speedboat and it's just blake and melissa on the boat and this is when they start talking about how they're going to be partners to the end

um and this is when griffin griffin and i are talking about this partner thing so they don't have to be partners no it is a it is sort of an artificial construct of like when there are couples challenges we'll team up for each other and i've got your back and you get my back and yeah it's very it's a very loose structure yeah nobody nobody's making them do this uh this is where blake and melissa kiss some more and blake assures us the viewer that he had quote had a few drinks which is why they kissedary. So back at the house, Gia is trying to get people to vote against Vienna and Casey

because Gia understands and most of the strategic players do. Like this couple can't run the show. You can't let this couple run the show. So she goes to talk to Graham because she considers Graham a friend. Unfortunately, Graham tells on her pretty much right away. I don't fucking get this at all.

Yeah. This couple is literally running the game and making all of these decisions. How do you not go after them? It doesn't make any sense at all. These people are such dummies. And while this is happening, Holly and Blake are hanging out a lot. Oh, God.

And Melissa sees this happening, and this is just the night after her date, and she feels really upset about it, because it's Holly and Blake together all night. Everybody's seeing this. Apparently, everybody's coming up to Melissa and saying like, what's going on with those two, and she feels really embarrassed. And Melissa kind of seeks them out and finds them in a bedroom together and like goes and sits on the bed with them. To which point Blake says, this is not the threesome I had in mind.

I wish I could throw an egg very hard and fast at Blake. You know, so gross. And eventually Holly leaves and Melissa is very angry and confronts Blake. And Blake is like, well, if you want to get emotional about this, which also awful, everything out of his mouth is awful. And Melissa kind of reveals that she is also on this season to do some image repair, which I don't really remember her season. But apparently she came across as like i don't know not great and so she says that she wanted to be on this show and and make clear to everybody that she's a fun nice person um have you ever watched anybody be

on this show and then come back and then after the second time be like you know i think differently michelle money michelle money michelle money for sure michelle money i like now and she was kind of a villain on her season um i think bachelor in paradise actually has done more image repair uh than the series yeah i was gonna say bachelor in paradise for sure um but this is not the fucking program that you come on to like fix your shit up. It's a bachelor paradise is like no stakes. And so I think like it's easier to do that. And this one people will literally like stab you in the head to get an extra vote for their quarter of a million dollars.

Like this is not the show you're going to come out looking squeaky clean. And this is where Blake really seals himself as a disgusting person uh he says to the camera after this exchange with melissa it's not hard to see why she's single that kind of behavior out of a 32 year old woman is not attractive which and then he fell down a well yeah and then He fell out a window and landed in a well and nobody ever saw him again. The well got him. And then his nose did that crinkle thing and he became a vampire. You know.

We've been watching a lot of Buffy. We've been watching a lot of Buffy. Yeah. Blake sucks. Okay. So they're talking about the vote and Casey is telling us about the vote. And he says the expression and he says this a lot, Jake's kicking rocks. Yeah, deuces, deuces, dude.

Jake's time to kick rocks. Peace out, Jake. Time to kick rocks. Is this anything you've ever heard before? No, because it's not a fucking thing. It's because he's a dog person. He's half person, half dog. And he's the he's a dog person he's half person half dog and um he's he's the dumbest person okay so

so i'm i'm zooming through my notes here but i do want to say that jake again tries to approach vienna who is now sitting with casey uh and jake says you guys are the only ones who can save me and casey's like well do you think you deserve to be here? And this is where Jake says that he plans to donate all of the money that he gets. At which point Vienna immediately says, I know that you're $230,000 in debt, which kind of silences Jake for a moment. And this is when Casey kind of pounces and says,'re so messed up you don't know who you are and jake says everyone here thinks i'm a great guy and casey says no one wants you here uh and this is why other people are sitting around like like sorry like six other people

we should have set this scene up they're sitting in like some outdoor lawn furniture with like six other people it is very uncomfortable kirk kirk is there and he tells the camera that it seems like vienna and casey really enjoy humiliating jake yeah because they go and like make out immediately after this whole exchange yeah it's like part of their relationship is to go against jake uh and then Casey, for us, the viewer, does a little show where he flexes his wrist to make his little tattoo dance and says, it's guard and protect time. It's like on Pete and Pete, Petunia McDances, if like little Pete was a prick. Is this when we find out the twist? um is this when we find out the twist um sorry there's one more thing that happens chris harrison comes in and vienna is very upset that she has been made to go on this show with jake because chris harrison immediately comments on the awkward vibe in the room uh and everyone's like oh it's jake and v And Vienna's like, well, you guys forced us to go on this show right after we broke up.

To which Michael Stagliano and Holly wave like, hey, us too. You're not the only ones here. And we're making it work. But yeah, at this point, then Chris Harrison reveals this week, two women are going home. Gentlemen, you are safe. Ladies, you're voting against yourselves this is such dog shit isn't it gross it's such a dog shit because it's so obvious that they just want to keep jake in the picture for like as long as possible yeah um that is the plan it is obvious

to everyone jake is gonna go home uh so the women are voting against themselves um and i feel like pretty quickly um is when casey takes gia aside uh is that one of the first things that happens here is there yeah well first one thing that happens so after vienna has this conversation with chris harris and casey's like vienna do you want to go home if you want to go home we'll go home right now at which point vienna makes clear like no i don't want to go home Vienna, do you want to go home? If you want to go home, we'll go home right now. At which point Vienna makes clear like, no, I don't want to go home. I just want Jake to go home. Meanwhile, Michelle Money is putting the pressure on Jake. Like, why are you still here? Like, clearly, it's not going to work out for you. Why don't you just go home? But then Casey goes up to Gia says, Hey, I've talked to Graham.

But then Casey goes up to Gia, says, hey, I've talked to Graham, and it sounds like you're gunning for us, and you're in trouble. And I want you to know that. Not even that. I feel like he's like, you're going to go home tonight because you crossed us, and Graham came and told me. And Gia gets really upset. She says, well, fuck this. I'm not going to wait for the rose ceremony i'm just gonna leave but first marches up to graham and said like dude like we're friends yeah we're like actually friends outside of this show and you just fucked me over and yeah well and graham

arbitrarily is like i didn't say that you you you said Casey was going home. I just said that you were trying to make moves as if that's like going to absolve him somehow. Um, and, and G gets really upset. And Casey's just like, Casey is trying to like, um, mollify or just like, Hey, no, no, no, don't get upset. Don't get upset. And she's like, no, why the fuck would I stay here? Like everybody here sucks. Everybody here is like backstabbing and i don't trust anybody here

yeah she goes to chris harrison and says i don't think i was made for this game and she wasn't she's so she's so sweet yeah she just i mean the people here are awful and you have to have the thickest skin imaginable yeah uh so she elects to remove herself from the show, at which point there's only one woman left to be voted out. Yeah. I forget who it was. It is. Well, so there's a big thing. Is it going to be Jackie or is it going to be Ella?

I didn't even care about this drama while I was watching it. Yeah, I know. I know. Well, the thing that was gross is erica says she wants ella to go home because ella is a single mom and really needs the money and is willing to do anything these fucking people i know um and other people are talking about Jackie because they say Jackie and Ames are a couple. And Michael says if we send Ella home, we lose Kirk because Kirk has aligned himself with Ella. If we lose Jackie, we lose Ames.

Basically, whatever woman they send home they're gonna lose her partner or whatever yeah and and I honestly I don't I really understand why they chose Jackie yeah uh but they definitely chose Jackie so Jackie and Ames were like they hit it off in that first episode they're the ones who are like we shouldn't be partners because it will be a power couple and people will try and take us down but they really liked each other and they lived the ones who are like, we shouldn't be partners because it will be a power couple and people will try and take us down. But they really liked each other and they lived in the same town and were kind of fallen, kind of fallen.

And then there's this beautiful scene where Jackie gets sent home and Ames goes up to hug her goodbye and they share a long moment. And then Jackie gets in the car and starts to drive away i'm getting chills just talking about it was literally it's gonna sound so like schmaltzy but i actually did not actually see it coming um the car starts to drive away and ames turns to are you tearing up a little no i'm

not i'm just i'm literally getting goosebumps ames turns towards chris harrison and then kind of gives him a little wave and then starts chasing the car and the car stops and he gets in the car and jackie is so excited and the two of them ride off into the night it's really good and we watch this and rachel's like this was so nice and it was it was a fucking oasis in this desert of inhumanity and then i got on my phone and i turned to rachel like five seconds later i was like they broke up there's this sense of like um omniscience because as they're getting in the car michelle money's like those two are gonna have babies together and griffin looks at his phone he's like nope sorry everybody it was a nice moment though but they brought they did break

up it was like out of a movie um it was like it was like that's the goodwill hunting that i gotta see about a girl you know yes i saw that movie like once like 10 years ago i don't really remember it very well really yeah so um i would love to talk about this next episode very very quickly um but first can i steal you away i don't want to sing it this next episode very, very quickly. But first, can I steal you away? I don't want to sing it this week. Okay, then you say the thing to me. Hey, Griffin. Can I steal you away?

Oh, I like that one. Yeah, every time I did a junk, I doubled it in speed. People have been really complimentary of my home improvement stingers. You're better at it than me. But I want to take a break this week, come up with a new a new approach for next week. Y'all, she works. She like throughout the whole week, she will come to me and be like, what do you think of this? Bing, bing, bing, bing.

And I'm like, yes. Yes. Do that. Stop. You had me, pink, pink. And I'm like, yes. Yes, do that one. Stop. You had me at pink, pink. Hey, what did we eat for dinner tonight? Oh, we had a chicken and couscous meal. There was lots of good things in it.

And it was from Blue Apron. Yeah, it was a seared chicken um like a tomato sort of couscous situation it was real real good i made it but blue apron helped blue apron they send you a box every week or however often you want it and it comes with all the ingredients that you need to make uh delicious home-cooked meals right in your house. Upcoming meals include beef teriyaki stir-fry with sugar snap peas and lime rice, baked spinach and egg flatbread with sauteed asparagus and lemon aioli, three-cheese baby broccoli stromboli with tomato and oregano dipping sauce, crispy salmon and roasted potato salad with pickled mustard seeds and creme fraiche sauce.

We had that like two days ago, and it was really, really freaking good. So Blue Apron is great. What do you um so blue apron is great what do you also like what the fuck else do you need us to say about i was trying to think of a new thing oh you know what um we never really play up the romance part of it but i think we should very sensual sometimes they send like um like zucchini no griffin that's not what i was gonna say and i'll take a big zucchini I'll take a big zucchini and two little cherry tomatoes and I'll put them next to each

other okay the proportions on that are real weird but weird but unfortunately accurate okay let's say that you are inviting over a special someone and you want to make them dinner but you don't just want to make them like macaroni and cheese.

You want to make them like an exciting, fancy meal. Do you remember the first time I made you zucchini tomatoes? No, the first thing Griffin made me was shrimp tacos. It's true. There were lots of mishaps. Lots of mishaps. Lots of kitchen mishaps. And if he had made me a Blue Apron meal, there probably would not have been as many mishaps lots of mishaps lots of kitchen mishaps uh and if he had made me a blue apron meal

there probably would not have been as many mishaps no there would have been probably still some mishaps um not now though because i'm good at cooking because of blue apron thank you blue apron anyway you can check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash rose i i don't like seriously y'all do this, do this thing is very, very good. Yeah, that's great. Why did I just turn my phone off? Like I was just going to like pull the jumbotrons out of the fucking ether. Okay, this message is for Katie B.

It is from John G. Happy birthday to my lovely girlfriend who got me into this perfect silly podcast. I wish we could listen to more episodes together like when we did in our New York City hotel room. But until then, we can still imagine Rachel and Griffin are our best friends. Love you. You ain't got to pretend. It can be real.

Katie and John, we are your best friends. We are your best friends. Also, I want to hear more about that luxury New York hotel room. Do you think it was like in Home Alone 2? Do think like oh god are you gonna say cheese pizza no but i will cheese pizza but more importantly do you think rob schneider came to look at them in the shower a lot of people forget no that was tim curry also wasn't it that was tim curry i love tim curry he's had a very full and like awesome body of work except for the one part where inexplicably he worked at a hotel

and he tried to look at somebody in the shower. Katie's birthday is May 15th. So we actually got ahead of it. Great. Why would anybody working at a hotel? Oh God. I know he's trying to prove credit card fraud, right? He thought Kevin McAllister stole his credit cards.

Obviously something is suspicious. He's a child and this is a very fancy hotel right um so he thinks that kevin mccallister is stealing money from his parents or whatever and so his way to bust him is he goes into his room and he hears somebody in the shower and the next step in his thought process is, I'm going to go peek in there real quick to prove that this fraud isn't happening, is I'm going to poke my head into the shower and just look at this person's naked body

and this will crack the case. I think Tim Curry pulls it off. No, babe. I think, let's say the actors were different. Let's say that was Richard Dreyfuss. So here's a message for Sam, and it's from Mel and Austin, who say, just kidding, it's from Sam. Oh, Griffin. This is the message.

This is a message. Who is this message for? a message who is this message for sam who is it from mel and austin what is your message just kidding it's from sam hi mel sorry i showed you up on austin's b-day this is some house of leaves shit like maybe if i turn my phone upside down um okay just kidding it's from sam hi mal sorry i showed you up on austin's bday my mother loves you all more than she'll ever love me uh hope that and this message offer consolation it takes a village to fly too close to the sun and kubo was good and griffin said it so that's that um also there's a pun with austin somewhere in it olive juice wall this message just turns into did we just launch something on accident olive juice well yeah we just like manchurian candidated like somewhere just like fucking like tim kaine was just like, it's time. It's time to party. That's a great Tim Kane.

It's time to party. I'm Tim Kane. Yeah. Wow. I'm Tim Kane. I've been activated. So what was this message for? I think it was just a nice message.

Happy birthday to all three of you. Not now, but on the day on your actual birthdays happy birthday from us i'm barbara gray i'm brandy posey and i'm tess barker we're lady to lady do you want to sleep over in your ears is that a friend in your pocket or are you just podcast to see me we're a portable hangout you can bring to the gym on the subway or on an oil rig seriously we have listeners who do that. Chill with us while we get high with Margaret Cho.

Talk showgirls with Katya from Drag Race. And hear Broadway star Anthony Rapp sing Hamilton. I am not throwing away my shot. I am not throwing away my shot. Hey, yo, I'm just like my country. I'm young, strappy, and hungry, and I'm not throwing away my shot. That's Lady to Lady. Can you keep a secret?

Neither can we. Episode three. We have to move so much faster. I know, we'll move faster. Well, we talked a lot about the drums. That's true. There's a lot of drums and there's a lot of the same drums in this episode. Before the challenge, Jake outlines for us the three

strengths he brings into any challenge. Mental mental durability physical strength and problem solving cool he's so he's got so many talents this challenge though is synchronized swimming which he like laughs off and i think that you need a lot of like mental and physical durability to be good at. I'm a bad unsynchronized swimmer and I'm a not great or like dancer to like choreography.

When I'm chasing my own sort of dream like you know what I fucking do. I think you're good with choreography. When have you ever seen me do choreography? When we did the Copperhead Road. Copperhead Road and when we do Dance Central. You're right. You're 100% right.

That's definitely. You're very precise. But get me in the water and I'm just like, nothing happening. It's the resistance. You can't have anything holding you back. No, that's why I often get very nude or I wear my full body mesh when I dance. I can't wait to see that fan art. Don't need to.

Just get on my website. Oh, here we go. What's your website? It's just called Mesh. Well, I would not encourage people to go to that. No, there's no.com. I imagine there's... There's no.com or.org.

There's no suffix. Okay, so anytime that the... It's Aol keyword mesh anytime the browser tries to put in a dot com you just have to delete it delete it and then download the aol instant messenger web browser hey what was your away message on instant messenger remember those i mean do you like a song lyric i I mean, there was a lot of... I remember for a while it was a song lyric from Everclear's Father of Mine. Oh, Greg. Which is...

You have a great relationship with your dad. I have a very good relationship with my father. The father of mine definitely does not describe. But I was very into Everclear, I guess. It was like, my daddy gave me a name. People loved that. He didn't walk away though at all he didn't he didn't do the next part of the song no i just really liked everclear people

asked me like what the fuck i'm like i just like everclear a lot am radio it's a jam uh so jake is actually confident because he had done dancing with the stars so he knows that he can do choreography um vienna does something that she has done on all the Stars. So he knows that he can do choreography. Vienna does something that she has done on all challenges, which is she indicates how her previous experience will make her good. She's done, I guess, gymnastics. So she thought she would be good

at another challenge. She's played softball, I guess. I don't know. Anyway, this time she also thinks she'll be good. And we find out there will be judges that will judge their synchronized swimming. The men will do a routine. The women will do a routine. And the judges will be an actual Olympian.

A gold medalist in this very event. And then Dave and Natalie from Bachelor Pad 1. We watched the first episode of Bachelor Pad 1, and these two people walked on the screen one year after season one of Bachelor Pad, and I literally just, I don't know who either of you are. God, I'm so glad we're not watching that season. Well, for us, it was like one week. We had just watched that episode one, one week ago. We've already got people are the judges will judge their technical ability, their effort and their showmanship.

Almost immediately, the boys show that they're going to crush this challenge i was i wasn't surprised as anybody and this is like this is like this is my shit because i feel like this is the only time in this whole show that we're gonna get like uh some time with people in the house like being buds with each other uh and don't get me wrong most of them are still rat bags but watching these like these boys get excited about synchronized swimming and like mastering like working very very very hard to get their routine going right that was my favorite part so each team gets an actual coach uh and they're in the pool with the coach and the coach is giving them the routine um but we get to see the guys in the bunk bedroom like counting and practicing not with the coach just like five six

seven eight and they're like in front of all the bunk beds, like practicing their routine. The women are not quite as competent. I remember Erica was like, I'm I can't I don't know how to dive. Erica says she can't dive. And Griffin and I were like, yeah, neither can we. No, I wouldn't be good. There's so many ways in which I would be complete. I are both not good in water.

No. For these stupid ears. Well, it's my stupid ears. It's my dumb body. I just sink. I just get in the water and it's just bloop. That's just, everybody can float. I can't believe we're having this conversation again.

You know how I feel about my dumb, unboyant body. Isn't that what Hope Floats is about? It's about a man who can't float. It's a man named Hope. A man named Hope, and he's played by Spencer Breslin. He's nine. It's a weird... Who's Spencer Breslin? Yeah, exactly.

Is it Abigail Breslin's? Probably. Okay. I meant Josh Brolin. I got him confused again, babe. Which one was in No Country for Old Men? Brolin. I think it was Spencer Breslin. Okay.

Yeah. So each team gets a few hours to train. And then they come out and do their routines. The women are not good. They're, they are not in sync with each other, which is really the whole point of synchronized swimming. Uh, but we hear from the judges and we can just kind of see that Vienna and Michelle are, are probably carrying the team the most.

Uh, the guys are very, very good. And it's honestly hard to pick a standout because they're also good. Erica comments on Jake's package. And we get a close shot. We get an underwater shot. Of this like... What are you going to say? It's just like, it's while he's, like, bent over,

and it's shooting his package from underneath, and the shot lasts, like, ten frames, but it is just ten frames of just full-blown, just a big old water roast beef and some Speedos, like, fucking just, like... Slower. Hey, Griffin, slower. It was a lot slower It was a lot It was a lot

So the winners for this challenge are Michelle Money and Michael Stagliano Which immediately Jake is like Oh fuck, I'm gonna lose And also Vienna and Casey are upset because both of them are not safe

which makes them think that they could be targeted They wanted to go on a date together too also that yeah uh so at this point we start to get to see some momentum between erica and jake they start uh spending time together erica is very complimentary of jake uh they have some some touching uh it's a weird it's a weird weird thing they're literally just like talking about gameplay like can we get the votes together to go after casey yeah i think so but i think um if we go for graham the trick to that and while they're talking like just like they start touching each other's hands and it's like whoa it does not feel like a um a romance built of great future no it could not be more like is extremely transparent and that like i need your votes

so i'm gonna touch you gentle on the arm now here we go uh this is where there's some casey and vienna flare up uh and i say that like that's never happened before but definitely on this episode um casey feels like vienna is being too nice to jake we get like one shot of vienna just talking to like walking by jake and just like hey great job out there politely smiling uh but jake uh casey wants Casey wants Jake and Vienna to have nothing to do with each other. And confronts Vienna in front of all of her friends. Says that she's talking to him too much. At which point, Vienna says that he's not protecting her.

And Casey tells us, the audience, that Vienna likes to be the center of attention. And then tells Vienna, you guys broke up a year ago. You should get over it. Don't you even know what I'm going through here? The things I've gone through to protect you, and you're acting crazy.

Hey, Casey's awful. Yeah, it's really... I thought Casey was just kind of um what did i say last week guileless i thought casey i think we may have been wrong on that just right he may be actually quite full of kyle i i i said it last week and i mean it like i feel like this this this proclivity of just like i gotta protect to protect her, man, is also like hand in hand with like being a fucking piece of shit. Like being like an abusive dude. I thought, and on the season he was on, on Allie's season, he just, he presented himself anyway as this kind of like old fashioned guy who was like, you know, I just do the chivalrous things because that's how I was raised.

And so when he entered Bachelor Pad, I just kind of thought like, oh, look at him just trying to do the thing that he thinks he's supposed to do. But no, he's awful, turns out. Yeah, he sucks. So date cards. But no, he's awful, turns out. Yeah, he sucks. So date cards. Michelle's date card, she decides to give dates to Graham, Casey, and Blake. We also give a shout out to the worst date card, probably, of this whole series history.

Because it's just like, pick your three. Yeah, I know. And she's like, ooh, wow. Oh, cool. There's no fun, like, ooh, wow. Oh, cool. There's no fun like dive into love. It's just like pick three of these fucking uniform clowns. This homogenous boy pile. Just like grab any three.

It doesn't matter. So this is where we find out that Michelle is kind of into her partner, who's Graham. And she kind of is crushing on Graham a little bit. Can we speed through their date? I feel like nothing. They went to a really nice winery. Yeah, they go to a vineyard. Michelle reveals to Graham that she has a crush on him. Graham, I guess, has been hurt before.

So he's hesitant to pursue it, but they do some smooching. And then Michelle tells Blake, hey, Blake, you've hurt my friend Melissa. If you want to stay, you need to fix this or you're in trouble. I don't know how much Blake and Melissa stuff we fast forwarded through in your notes, but there's a lot of it this episode.

There's a lot of genuinely, Blake using the word crazy to refer to Melissa, no joke, 20 times in a single scene like a lot of just like because you tried to get with her to get a rose on the date and then like immediately backed off uh and started hooking up with somebody else and then she got upset about it like you have to go around and tell everybody in the house like how crazy she is and how you should everybody needs to team up and vote her off all melissa wants is an apology for being let on, and Blake doesn't feel like he should owe that to her, and so he's doing everything he can not to do it. And Michelle Money's like, hey, you need to figure something out

because the women hate you now and you're going to go home. She gives her rose to Graham, and that's their date. They have some wine. The end. Next date, Michael Stagliano again. Who does he choose? He chooses Vienna because Vienna hasn't gotten out of the house yet. He chooses Ella because he's aligned himself with Ella after last week when they decided to save her and send Jackie home.

And who does he choose again holly his ex-fiancee i don't know why they tortured themselves i don't know why they keep i mean i do know why but it still is a bad holly actually says before the date card comes out i don't want to be asked on this date i mean she didn't say to him but she this date. I mean, she doesn't say it to him, but she says it to us, the viewer. She says a lot of stuff to us, the viewer, that she does not say to Mike Stagliano.

Lima shows up, and they are going to ride horses. Vienna is not exactly happy about the date. Which, you know, riding horses is not everybody's cup of tea. No, I know, but they're in this fucking idyllic environment and she's like i can't believe they're making me wear a helmet and it stinks like

poop it's too hot yeah um and so michael and stagliano michael and stagliano no that's my favorite new cop drama this this fall on abc um michael stagliano and holly go off again to talk more about their relationship um she says that he's been very friendly with her lately um and then she kind of leads him on a little bit uh and and says like you know it just it's it's been so nice being here with you. And it seems like you want to get back together. And she ends up getting the rose. At which point I turned to Griffin and I said, like, is this a play? Yeah, it's really hard to say.

Like, I don't want to be the first to, like, obviously, like, confused feelings come with the territory here. But there's a lot. I mean, she's straight up telling the camera, like, I do not want to get back together with him. I hope he doesn't ask me out on this date. Like, I kind of just want to be back at the house hanging out with Blake. And then when she's talking to him, she's like, it's just, like, it's so good to, like, be with you. And it's so good to, and it's, like, I don't know, man. It's a bummer i think they but i think

that like the trickiest thing about their relationship and like the thing you have to keep in mind is that they each um broke up with each other once and so like i i get the feeling that maybe she because he dumped her the second time like and and she like kind of fought to ask him to take her back after she dumped him the first time like she's maybe a little bit raw i'm fucking diagnosing like relationship i know nothing about that happened seven years ago she does say that she worked really hard to try and make things happen between them and he was really distant so i mean it's a very complicated situation. But you know it's not complicated. After she gets the rose, the other women leave. She gets the opportunity of a lifetime.

Because what happens next is the most dramatic date in Bachelor Pad history. No, it's not. Bret Michaels' tour bus shows up. And he invites them on the bus, and they pretend to be very excited. Maybe they're very excited. It was 2010. I think fucking Rock of Love had just gone off the air.

2011. Whatever. So he invites them on the bus. And he's like, I just want to know about you guys. What's your story? So he's like, well, we dated for about two years and got engaged. And he's like, congratulations. And they're like, well, no.

Don't do that. Don't say that to us, Brett, please. And then he talks to them for a little bit and says, you know, if you guys don't mind, I've got a show later tonight. I want to warm up. I like to perform for you. Every rose has its thorn. If you just wait here a minute, I'll go to my guitar.

I think it's plural, thorns. Thorns. I think they have more than one. Every rose has its thorns. Yeah, there's definitely plural. Every rose has its thorns. This rose has one big sharp thorn on it. You're going to have to look it up.

We might both be wrong. Every rose has one big thorn. Just like every cowboy sings exactly one song. Oh my God, is it singular? I think it is, Griffin. It's singular. Boom. Every rose has one thorn.

Poison, that's not even accurate. Every rose has one thorn. Every rose has a thorn. rose has a thorn go sit in the wrong corner just sit in the fucking wrong corner well can i tell you the wrong corner that i made you sit in and chris and steffi it was the biggest dunk ever you know those discover card commercials this is discover card commercials you knew this story was getting told up on the show this is discover commercials where it's a person talking on the phone with another person who like works for discover and the whole thing is that they look the same everybody else in the room was like it's the

same actor and i was like no it's not the same actor and they were like griffin you're dumb and i said no and i turned my my phone at them i said you're dumb because i had a tweet from discover that said they're different actors boom yeah i actually i i in a very like sheepish way i said you know it took me forever to realize that that's the same actor on both sides and everyone like kind of giggled a swing and a miss not me i said no it was like no it's different i won't let this stand anyway brett michaels is playing in Huntington, West Virginia tonight. This is not a joke. Get there two days ago and you're gonna

have yourself a fucking great time. Yeah, so he sings about the rose and its big thorn. Each rose has multiple thorns on it. It's so dumb. Yeah, but I feel like, like, lyrically, every rose has its thorns, plural. Sounds weird. It's talking about, like, people, right?

Like, we're the roses. It's a more complicated message if there are multiple thorns. But love is complicated. People are complicated. I don't have just one problem. I have thousands. I'm a fucking mess. Sing about me sometime, Brett.

What happened next? Okay, next up. Blake says some more awful things about Melissa. I don't know if we want to get into that or not. It's just a lot, y'all. It's the same shit over and over again. Erica gets in on it too now. Yeah, well, Blake...

We'll get to Erica. Blake, I guess, kind of apologizes to Melissa. Like, doesn't really apologize sincerely. Just kind of approaches Melissa as like a I understand why you might feel the way that you do kind of apology. And so they seem to be kind of copacetic except in the behind the scenes interviews he calls her a shrew and the b word which i'm not i don't i'm not gonna say that on the show yeah but fuck dude like holy shit how is nobody holding

i'm sorry we have to talk about the relationship that comes out of this because i feel like you want to okay it's holly and blake this is the dude like holly holly ends up marrying blake this is the dude that's what makes me wonder about holly because anybody that could marry somebody who behaves like this on the television show what what are you doing holly you had michael stagliano this guy sucks out loud and yeah yeah uh anyway anyway um so jake starts working on his plan to get casey sent home uh and talks to erica erica is of course on board. They do some more fondling and making out. Nice! Jake also talks to Blake about sending Casey home. But they spend like 10 minutes like,

our names sound the same. Well, he knows that Blake is also in trouble because the women now hate Jake and Blake. And so Jake is like, hey, let's team up to get Casey out of here. Blake is not sure whether he wants to do that or not how many times by the way in this episode does Casey say Jake's a snake

you can't say that but he does say it a few times you can't first of all as a wrestler and also you just can't say rhyming words all the time go kick rocks dude deuces you fucking idiot have you ever heard this kick rocks, dude. Deuces. You fucking idiot.

Have you ever heard this kick rocks expression? You have to say that already. No. I know, but I don't think you answered me. I have not heard it. Do you just think because it's like a folksy thing and I know all the folksy? Yeah, exactly. No, you do.

You know all of them. No, mine is more sort of like arcane, deep Appalachian, like Friar and Frog's Hair Split Four W hair split four ways oh god you love that shit dude it is it is erotically charging for me oh boy no it's not oh boy uh okay so this is when we find out it is a very special day in bachelor pad because it is jake and vienna's six month anniversary oh my god it is casey and vienna's six month anniversary and casey has gotten vienna a gift um the gift is a little black box and he's talking about how important it is and how meaningful this moment is and how he wants to make her a promise that she'll never forget.

And do you remember, babe, when I proposed to you, I got down, it was in our backyard, our old house. I decorated a little bit. It was really romantic and nice. I got down on one knee and I pulled a box out of my pocket

and you said to me what Vienna told Casey, and this is not a joke, when Casey pulled this little black box out of his pocket, what did you say that also Vienna said? I don't want to see an engagement ring. I don't want that to be an engagement ring. And Casey's immediately like, why would you say that?

Why would you say that? And then he's like, it's not an engagement ring. It's a promise ring. And she's like, oh, okay, I'll wear that. Oh, and just to be clear, I did nothing like that to Griffin. No. I was very happy. She was like.

You're all like. Yes. And you're like, that's the snot coming out of your nose. You remember? You're doing like a Blake impression right now. Okay, so not... It's not just a promise ring, though. Yeah.

There's a multimedia component. Not only does Casey give Vienna a ring... I'm sorry to do this to y'all. I do this to y'all. I feel like every arc that we do of TV shows. Yeah, I apologize to the people that watched it live already. Casey has composed an original song that he sings to Vienna. And we are going to play it for you right now.

One of the ones was, like, I just love you so much. I just love you so much I know From this moment on I can carry on My love for you Tonight I gave you a promise And put it on your finger

And all I know now is that you are mine forever. So when you're feeling blue, just know that I love you. That was so sweet. I love you. Even the lyrics of that song are, like, super creepy and possessive. I put the thing upon promise on your finger and know that you are mine forever. No takesies-backsies. No takesies-backsies.

It's not an engagement ring. I know how you were upset about that. Why would you even ask that question? Yikes. That was awful. So that's their six month anniversary. I think these two kids are really going to make it. Okay.

Okay, so this is when Erica decides that she is going to join forces with Jake and get Casey sent home and then also get Melissa sent home. Because Melissa, like Erica, doesn't have a real strong partnership. Yeah, her thinking is... Her thinking is like, I'm in trouble yeah but you know who should be in trouble is melissa because then i won't be and so he tries or erica tries to kind of play up the um narrative that's going on about melissa uh so she snoops around sees that melissa and jake are talking and then starts spreading this rumor that melissa and jake are working together uh and this is when bachelor pad producers are excited to have footage of vienna breaking up something with the end of a knife uh so they make vienna look like she's they show this footage of

like vienna holding a knife like a hundred times uh they also get some great footage of erica just full-blown solid snaking all over the house. Yeah, she literally crawls hands and knees up to witness a conversation between Melissa and Michael. Melissa is talking to Michael. Michael says, oh, Erica said that you were working with Jake. And Melissa's like, I can't believe Erica would say that. I'm going to have to talk to her. And then tries to confront Erica in front of some of the other women. And she's very upset.

And Erica just kind of plays up this like, whoa, what are you? Why are you so emotional? She's not playing logically. She's using her emotion. Like, it's calm down, Melissa. It's so gross. And even Michelle, who is Melissa's friend, is like, maybe Melissa is too emotional for this game. And Erica just kind of says to us, the viewer, I'm going to manipulate Melissa.

Because then she decides to try and go up to Melissa and turn her around again to make sure that she votes Casey. So it's just like everybody pulling poor Melissa back and forth. Yeah. At one point, let's talk about this now instead of later. At one point she wants to leave. She's like, fuck this.

Like I'm going to leave this show. Um, because like she shares Gia's realization that everybody here is awful. Um, and Jake is like, no, come on, we can stay,

we can fight this and the only reason he's doing that is because he needs her to stay so that she votes for Casey yeah yeah so everybody is manipulating poor Melissa sweet Melissa that's the song I was trying to think of what it was

sweet Melissa that's beautiful I can go higher sweet Melissa that's beautiful I can go higher sweet Melissa Chris Harrison comes in because it's rose ceremony time and he says tonight the ladies are safe

one man is going home which I did oh because Ames left I couldn't put together we were confused why is it only one Ames left. Okay, I couldn't realize. Yeah, I couldn't put together. We were confused. We were like, why is it only one? Yeah, Ames went home. Forgot about that.

And so the people up for grabs on this are Jake and Casey, obviously. And then also there's a chance Blake, because the women don't like him. But no, it basically boils down to there's 13 people in the house and you need seven to vote for either. I don't want to just go in and read a bunch of names during the politicking it's not going to be interesting to anybody uh yeah casey finds out that his name is out there uh and that erica is one of the people campaigning and so vienna is very upset with erica and was just like you're one of casey's best friends and how could you do this to him which i don't I don't believe they're particularly good. Um,

Jake goes up to Casey. Jake is always like campaigning. He's like, Casey, just want you to know, you know, whatever happens tonight, you know,

I know we're both on the chopping block here, you know, and it's just, we'll just see what happens, you know, in case he's like, all right. And what ends up happening and this was

kind of confusing i thought it was gonna be a big cliffhanger the weirdest cliffhanger execution i've ever seen in my life yeah so we're looking between it's it's down to jake and casey and the camera's shooting back and forth between them and we're thinking oh it's gonna be a cliffhanger and then they shoot to chris harrison chris harrison says casey and then the episode ends and so we were like surely surely they didn't just give us the the spoiler that cliffhanger and so we watched the beginning of the next episode now casey's safe yeah casey gets the rose casey gets the rose jake goes home it's like if um what's a famous cliffhanger it's like who shot mr burns and it was like building up this cliffhanger and then it was like maggie cut to black

and the next episode was like yeah maggie did it or uh who shot jr uh which you know everybody knows that yeah who did who did you tell me who did it uh tim curry actually whoa the actor yeah this is this was his thought process there's a child who's defrauding this hotel and i'm gonna fucking get him to fess up oh i think he's in the shower well i'll just go in there it's like that's not how that's not how you solve this crime tim tim's character um that has been two episodes of bachelor pad holy shit we need to finish episodes babe i mean yeah but that we talked about today we gotta do three episodes in the next one i feel like because bachelorette's rachel's starting up yep um yeah we're very excited for well that i'm not excited to watch three episodes of bachelor I feel like because Rachel's starting up. Yep. Um,

yeah, we're very excited for that. I'm not excited to watch three episodes of bachelor pad season two in the next week. So we can finish, uh, our discussion of it before. Should we just stop now?

No, we got to finish it. We've never left a season hanging. I like it. It's just like, it is very challenging, but it is also um like a two hour long tv show that we have to watch six hours of before next week but that's fine that's our

cross to bear um thank you to everybody that recommends the show to uh a friend a loved one a family member we really appreciate it um thank you to oh to, Oh, Rose Reckoner. Uh, if you want to play along and do a fantasy league, uh, get, get up and go on, on Rose Reckoner right now.

Um, we used it last season and it was very, very, very helpful. Um, it was, we ended up in second place. So bad.

It was so brutal. Yeah. We were very close, but, um, what else? Um, thanks to maximum Fun for having us. You can go to MaximumFun.org and check out all the great shows there.

There's stuff like Stop Podcasting Yourself and Lady to Lady and the Bees and Dairies Network. One Bad Mother is a good one. Lots of good shows all at Maximum Fun. Tights and Fights. Tights and Fights is a wrestling podcast. Yeah. Lots of good shows there. If you want to see other stuff that we do, you can go to mackroyshows.com.

And I think that's it, right? Yes. Thanks to Soulja Boy for our theme song and Des. Des, yeah. Des and Soulja Boy, thank you both for this collaboration. And for the rights that you gave us to use it, that you definitely gave us. Definitely gave us to use it, that you definitely gave us. Definitely gave us. We're definitely not just like fingers crossed,

seat of our pants, hoping for the best. Until next time, I'm Griffin McElroy. I'm Rachel McElroy. When you're ready, take it away, Soulja Boy. That's how it goes. Who will get the final rose? Stay with us on this journey of joy. Spoiler alert.

She ends up with Soulja Boy! Right reasons! Right reasons! Take me to all four seasons! Hey MaxFun fans, it's MaximumFun.org founder Jesse Thorne. I just wanted to take a minute to congratulate our colleague Ben Partridge. He's the host and creator of the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, and they just won the gold award for best comedy podcast in the British Podcast Awards. It's a truly remarkable honor. If you haven't checked out Beef and Dairy Network,

It's a truly remarkable honor. If you haven't checked out Beef and Dairy Network, you are in for a very, very, very special treat. It's a really remarkable and hilarious show. I would say a perfect podcast. So congratulations, Ben Partridge, and congratulations to everyone who's contributed to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast. We're proud of you.