Wonderful! - Wonderful! 176: Cunning Like an Eagle

Episode Date: April 14, 2021

In this special time-travel episode of Wonderful, Griffin and Rachel revisit an old favorite from the live show and read Griffin's elementary school HJ (Home Journal) and critique his grade-school writing talent.Music: “Money Won’t Pay” by bo en and Augustus – https://open.spotify.com/album/7n6zRzTrGPIHt0kRvmWoya Support AAPI communities and those affected by anti-Asian violence: https://www.gofundme.com/c/act/stop-aapi-hate Support the AAPI Civic Engagement Fund: https://aapifund.org/ MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

🎵 Hello, this is Rachel McElroy. Hello, this is Griffin McElroy. And this is Wonderful. You are listening to us from the past. This episode is a time capsule, a wish, a wish for a better future. Huh? What?

I don't even, it's March, it's the Ides of March, isn't it? Ooh. Yeah, I guess so. Careful about being stabbed by a friend today. That's what happens on the Ides of March. Normally I would suggest that we start over, but I feel like that's good. That's good stuff, actually.

Let's stick with that. We are recording some episodes in advance because of the baby that's going to come out soon. And we're still, and I'll be honest, I still don't understand how all that stuff works. But I know the baby's in you, in your belly, right? Not your stomach. I've been, I got that wrong once. I know.

And that was embarrassing. I know. So that's going to come out. Because of the pandemic, Griffin hasn't been able to come to 99% of my doctor's appointments. Right. And so he hasn't been able to ask the questions, you know, that would get him the answers. Right, exactly. And you may be wondering, didn't you do this once before?

I was not very involved at first. I'm not allowed to talk about it because ladies don't talk about such things. Right. My body is a mystery. Right. And I like that. It's like a puzzle box that I, anyway,

we are recording some episodes in advance so that we can not record episodes once the baby is here, because having a baby as we've learned back in late 2016 early 2017 is not conducive to a good audio recording environment yeah the constant threat of a child uh waking up makes it difficult to really be in the moment correct i will say i i have heard and i know that this is a tradition that you bring your baby on set with you. No. That you have them in the arms.

No. I wouldn't expose our new son to the challenging ideas that this show brings to the table. So we are putting out a couple episodes here that are going to be different because we don't have time to prepare like four episodes in a row. And in sort of talking about what has been successful in the past, we have decided to explore, to paint a portrait of a young artist. A young Griffin artist. A young Griffin artist. A young Griffin artist. A young Griffin artist.

If I'm getting the sort of release timing of this episode right, I believe last week we put up our live show that we did to benefit Austin Batcave, in which I read from my elementary school language arts Program journals. Yeah. And what, you know, so Griffin and I, some of you may know that Griffin and I really got to know each other through correspondence. Correct. So I had known of Griffin's writing prowess. My works. But I didn't realize how recent that ability came to him because- Oh, interesting. The early work suggests a child very uninterested in writing.

Uninterested in writing, in school, in things that aren't Japanese role-playing games on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System. Looking through these journals this morning, I flagged some entries that you, who went to school for words, I thought could give a sort of deeper literary analysis to help our listeners understand. I am very excited to break into this. Good, yeah. I will say that I have not seen this in person, so I'm not aware of the line breaks.

Sure. this in person so i'm not aware of you know the line breaks sure i mean if you want to if you go into one of the later books there's a lot of um sort of well plagiarism of mr jack handy and his deep thoughts there's one where we had to do home journals or hjs as we called them which is fucking great and literally every entry is is a like the for every home journal entry was just like i picked up the deep thoughts book that was sitting like next to our turlet so when you when you were an adolescent boy and people were like hey man when when was your first hj you were like oh home journal i'll tell you my first home journal. Yeah, so this would have been, I believe this is a fifth grade journal. So by this time. You should have been angsty.

I should have been pretty angsty. If you were like 10, 11 years old, you're like just starting to get angsty. Like this should be some really emotional, powerful stuff, like a window into Griffin today. Yeah. powerful stuff, like a window into Griffin today. Yeah, I did in my fifth grade journal, which is the one I really just kind of shit out, the one that is mostly deep thoughts by Jack Handy that I plagiarized and did not attribute.

I did at least include tables of contents for each six weeks period, which is some next level shit. And I did get a note like, hey, no one's ever done this before. All the thoughts are stolen and lazy. And there's lot of ee cummings inspired sort of form so you were reading ee cummings i think i read ee cummings once and i was like so this dude is able to fill out an entire hj with like 15 words hello ee that's good stuff So we'll start with our first grade. This is just a straight

down the middle, what do you call this, the black and white composition notebook? Yeah, the composition book. Just to give everybody kind of a heads up on the format, the plan that we have discussed is that Griffin will share some of his poems, and then I will kind of share my reactions you know maybe highlight some superior moments in the work yeah uh use my my poetry knowledge uh to kind of interpret uh the artist yeah so um i mean let's start okay this is this is uh first first grade first grade mrs hensley's class okay and this one's from september 27th 1993 so i would have been six six years old um friend is the title of this entry and i did spell it right got the i my e like in exactly the right place my friend is

chris so that's the first entry there. Okay, a nice little picture. See, this is more artistry of the visual sort. Yeah, we live in very narrow, extremely tall houses. My friend is Chris. You start out with some very front of the brain, just like primal instincts in these early works. Do you remember theris that you're discussing that would be chris milam uh we were we were road dogs back in elementary school i think he moved

away in middle school it was not like most of my elementary school friendships and i would argue most folks's elementary school friendships by middle school they had burned away like so much chaff uh i mean you get like uh candy makes me very happy so like we're not really getting especially deep yet just just a young man a little a little afraid to be vulnerable is what i'm getting from this i like to go on wirely spiny rides So I think we're talking about maybe at a carnival, a whirly spinny ride, perhaps. Oh, okay, okay. But that's kind of fun. You know, we're discovering adjectives.

We're like, we're seeing these things develop all in real time. My brother walks home with me. I like it. That's a good one. That must be Trav, right? Weirdly, I write a lot about Travis and not a lot about Justin. Well, Justin's six years ahead of you. Like, that's a good one is that i must be trav right weirdly i write a lot about travis and not a lot about justin well justin's six years ahead of you like that's a lifetime so yeah i was uh sick yeah i write a lot i went to the fire patrol parade and my brother was in it so that was also travis

uh okay so here's the first one that i've sort of flagged and the name of this entry from october 21st 1993 was i feel scared when my mom hangs clothes on the door knob when my mom hangs clothes on the doorknob i think it's medusa or somebody's gary so i was afraid of medusas back then wow six years what's six years old is like, I'm afraid of the, what is that? A Greek sort of mythological figure, Medusa. Yeah, that's interesting. I wonder how that came about. That's some, I mean, probably from Castlevania or like something like that. But what do you make of that?

Well, I mean, this is our first real example of you kind of putting your fear first you know and kind of inviting the reader into like you know your your deepest you know darkest kind of nightmares and i feel like that that's exciting it's very edgar allen poe yeah yeah and i appreciate that about you at a young age you know i appreciate that i was thinking outside of the fear box. A lot of people take skeletons. A lot of people say zombies. But here I was, tender age of six, saying I'm afraid of a woman with snakes for hair. That's gonna turn me into a big rock.

Here's a great one. This one's called, and this is a sequel to Friend. This one's called Friends. Ooh, rising up. This is December 10th, 1993. I can already tell you I was stoked for Christmas. I was like pumped out of my, like, I could not pay attention in school. And basically the whole, if it's on the advent calendar, fucking forget about learning.

Because I'm just thinking about what's going to be under that tree. Yeah, which is still the way you are today. Which is still the way I am today. Friends, I have more than one friend. Almost a rebuttal. Almost a rebuttal of my friend is Chris. It's like you open the book and you were like, I really need to update my teacher because I am moving up the social ladder. Griffin in 2021 appreciates this update because I read this and I was like, I mean, Chris Milan was my road dog and I'm not going to like deny that.

But I had to have more friends than that, right? Well, and that age too. I mean, I don't know if you remember, but for me, like when you're a kid, you're like, you're very territorial and having a best friend is very important. And the idea of having multiple friends is kind of like a complex thing to take on

when you're a kid. Don't worry, we circle back to that idea later on in Friends. So I have more than one friend. I have three friends, Taylor, Chris, and Stetson. What we all have in common is we all like Power Rangers. But my best friend is Chris. Good, good. I like that you're loyal.

I'm really intrigued by this Stetson character. Stetson. Yeah. Like I'm picturing like a little Marlboro man. He was a little Marlboro. No, he, that's a, why is that word? Marlboro. I know, it's hard.

Marlboro. I just raced through it because I didn't trust myself. That's why I'm a camel man. Easy to say. Yes, Stetson, we had the same like nanny for a little bit. Like I would go to his house to be like, to like kick it for a while after school. Yeah, because he lived across the street from the elementary school. So I would just walk after

there after elementary school and kick it there for a couple hours until my my folks came and got me oh man it's a nice setup it was a cool it's cool but then you know what happened he got good at basketball and that was the end of our friendship like so many of my friendships it went oh yeah me and me and uh martin were like best. And then he did get good at basketball. If our listeners really understand like how big a role basketball has played in your life. Yeah, it's taken everything from me. So then, I mean, there's a lot of entries just about this Christmas. It was a dope Christmas.

My favorite gift was Mega Man, Dr. Wily's Revenge, which was a Game Boy game. Now, I'm going to argue that these are not poems. Oh, I never intended you to think that these are poems. Okay, okay. I thought I was bringing my knowledge as a poetry scholar. Well, I mean, you know things about the written word. That's true. That's what I'm hoping to tap into here.

You could interpret this as a poem from January 10th, 1994, titled Fun. Yesterday I went to go see two movies, Iron Will and Sister Act Two. I went to go see two in the theaters. I went to a double header in theaters to see Iron Will. Was that the dog sledding movie maybe yeah that seems right i say that because there's a picture of what i believe is a night a sort of dog sled situation

yeah that our sister act two has a scene where a bunch of dogs jump in and attack a bunch of nuns yeah um i'm surprised a sister act two i don't i don't think was a particularly popular movie among children. Well, I was the youngest in a family of older. That's fair. Listen, I was the youngest of three. By the time I came around, everybody was old. Yeah. I came into an old-ass family where everybody just wanted to watch Sister Act.

Okay, here's another one I have flagged. And this is great. Something I dislike. I do not like lima beans. And I wrote that as big as I could possibly do it. And guess what? That's still true today. I don't know.

This is embarrassing to admit. I don't know that I've ever had a lima bean. How? How is that true? Well, I mean, I was a very picky eater. I was an only child. And there was a certain point. I mean, I was a picky eater too.

Clearly, I don't like lima beans, but I still had to eat them. There is a certain point, I think, where my parents just kind of gave up on introducing challenging vegetables. Wow. Okay. Well, I guess they weren't running a very tight ship. I don't want to criticize your parents because I know they weren't running a very tight ship. I don't want to tell, I don't want to criticize your parents because I know they listen to the show, but wow. I had a few disgusting lima beans put in my mouth

and it never took. I remember my mom would start putting an unconscionable amount of butter on the lima beans because that's like the hack to make them palatable. And I feel like it was just wasted butter because it was it was just not happening um anything else from this first grade i mean it's a lot of sort of um a lot of illustration a lot of illustration but again that's just to fill up the page it says test my aunt moved that's all that this entry says and that i guess here's a phone number it's 525 so like that's i think that's the what it's a west virginia area area code should we call it right now let me just dial it up uh okay so uh just to just to close things out this is uh

one of the last entries here um proud i was proud when i won second place in the lip sync contest oh my gosh that's incredible that's first grade okay and that was i think what we're going to appreciate about first grade as we move on is that there's very little lying that happens in it there's very little lying and i feel like the short entries are short because i was six and not smart and well and this is still a griffin that wants to please right you know that wants to to do what he's asked to do seventh grade or second grade that's all gone that's all gone completely out the window let's talk about let's start out second grade strong august 29th 1994 look at this drawing are you kidding me this is a big beautiful rainbow i mean well what it is is there's the grass and the sky and then the rainbow is just kind of hovering in the sky and it's quite small it's not touching the ground as rainbows are want to do don't laugh at me on summer vacation i saw

eight rainbows this is not this is not this is impossible summer can you place that in second grade where you oh i place it sure here i go i, and I've scratched out the number, at Tim's house. Who's Tim? I don't know. Might be your uncle, right? Maybe my uncle Tim's house, possibly. I saw four at Tom's. Yes, because I have twin uncles, Tim and Tom.

Okay. I saw two at SeaWorld. I saw one at Cedar Point and one at Kings Island. Why is it that everywhere I was going this summer, there was rainbows? Now we got some, now I can see the wheels spinning out because now you're like trying to crack this. I've created two scenarios.

One scenario is that, was this, at this point, did you have family in Florida? Yeah. Okay. Florida gets a lot of rainbows because it rains a little bit. That's true. The other scenario I've concocted is that you were sitting next to somebody talking about rainbows. And you were like, yeah, I saw like three rainbows.

And they were like, oh, three? Yeah. Okay. Well, I saw five. I saw fucking eight rainbows. And then you were like, all right, I'm going to bring it to this journal then. Clearly three? Yeah. Okay, well, I saw five. I saw fucking eight rainbows. And then you were like, all right, I'm going to bring it to this journal then. Clearly three is nothing. Any given year, how many rainbows do you think you see a year?

I would say maybe two or three. It's still at the point when I see a rainbow anywhere, it's an occasion. Do you think there's less rainbows now than there used to be wow interesting gonna write a Joni Mitchell song I'll be right back yeah I also would argue that when you're a kid you're just outside more generally you're just kind of always outside and as an adult you you really aren't in the world enough to see more rainbows yeah I'm pretty sure we did my whole sort of sports series during the live show episode where I ranked my favorite sports,

which I think I know because I just found the page that I left open for Austin St. John the Red Ranger to sign. Yes, yes, yes. Okay. I got grounded yesterday, October 5th, 1994. Whoa. Yeah, I know. I got grounded yesterday.

My brother Justin babysitted he was very very mean do you think he grounded you i don't know that he had the authority i wouldn't think so either but that journal entry suggests yeah i don't know i mean i was going through a rough time right because the one before this sept September 28th, 1994, is titled, Lunch! With exclamation point. Today was a horrible day. I forgot my lunch. And my mom had to bring it to me.

Sounds more like it was a horrible day for my mom. Yeah, but you know that feeling, right? When you have to make a parent step out of their daily life and recover something you forgot. A lot of food stuff. October 7th. Sometimes. Oh, after school snack is the name of this one. Sometimes two cookies.

Sometimes three Vienna waters. Vanilla wafers. Sometimes three vanilla wafers and a banana. Some days nothing. We were just talking about vanilla wafers sometimes three vanilla wafers and a banana some days nothing we were just talking about vanilla wafers i'm telling this is what i'm saying cradle to the grave vanilla wafers are my shit and this is where my dis my disdain with school starts in earnest and i think you can tell that from all the line do you remember this teacher mrs hensley she's incredible second grade yeah i mean she was the talented talented and gifted class these were yes in tag classes when these journals were kept i don't know i don't mean it's also where you learn to smoke a pipe

yes uh october 10th 1994 favorite time of day my fave you wrote time of day would have to be let me think there's like 50 m's and then there's uh like six ellipses in a row three o'clock because i get out of school and i get to play super nintendo oh my gosh so i am i am thinking about these journal entries. And I'm thinking about the fact that your school was like, we got to get this kid in a gifted program. Right. Because his enthusiasm. We have something to nurture here. For the written word. Yeah.

I mean, I will say your first grade language use is pretty advanced. But I am a little, I don't know. I'm just curious about second grade because it seems like you took a turn on school. For sure. For sure. And on telling the truth. Here's,

we're going to take a break here, but before we do, let's wrap, let's wrap up this segment. Yeah, that's a lot of words on that page. With a big long page. This is October 21st,

1994. This is probably the longest journal entry. And it's a nice little time capsule because some of it I read this and I go, oh, I remember that. And some of it I read it saying that's a complete fabrication. And I think it'll be pretty easy to tell which parts are which. October 21st, 1994, skating party. Yesterday I went to the skating party. It was very fun.

I skated and played aliens. I won four corners. It was hard but fun. Me andated and played Aliens. I won four corners. It was hard, but fun. Me and my friend played and had a competition. We saw who could stay in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That was the arcade game. It was a dope-ass arcade game. I won because I entered in another quarter.

I skated very fast. We also did a lip sync. No, they don't do that at the roller skating rink. We lip synced to Bad Boys, Criss Cross, and Summertime Blues. We also played Limbo. I got out, but it was my sixth time around. I was going to sneak in again, but instead Stetson, Chris, and I played and put on a show. We were doing cartwheels, And we were skating on the rails

We had a race I lost by an inch Chris won Chris was first I was second Stetson was third And I made three friends One teacher

One girl And a boy The skates gave me a big cut in the foot It was hurting and bleeding I got a pink slip for winning four corners I think it was for a free birthday. I really liked it. Last time I hit my nose on the limbo bar and it was bleeding very bad.

I had to call my mom and dad. I had to wash my nose off in the water fountain. That's all, folks. There's so much to unpack there. So is skating party, is this like a thing that your school would do yes basically every six weeks period we would have a party at rollerama and this was like bringing everybody together so not necessarily the kids just in your class but like um i think it was uh there were two classes of each grade at my school so there were two first grade classes

two second so i think this was would have been both second grade classes mrs mrs franklin who was my teacher and i don't remember the why would i remember the other second grade teacher you know but i i don't doubt that i i may have i may have by a fluke won four corners once i don't doubt that. I may have by a fluke won four corners once. I don't know what that means when you say that. It's the four corners of the rink and one will be home safe and then there's sharks in the middle and you have to skate to the other. Yeah, I know. This is not anything I know about. Nor would you assume it's something that I'd be good at. But me and my friends didn't, quote, put on a show. And we certainly didn't do cartwheels in roller skates and then skate on the rails like Tony

Hall. Who was I trying to impress with this? This was for me and Mrs. Hensley only. Was I trying to? I made three friends today, a boy, a girl, and a teacher. Well, here's the reason I asked about whether or not this was an all-school adventure. Because I remember those moments in school where you would be exposed to this whole group of kids and teachers that you did not see on a daily basis. And the rush of that, of just like, this is the whole school.

There were all these people like suddenly that i am meeting for the first time it's very exciting it is but that's not it that's not how it works it's not and it creates it begins a pattern of falsehoods that will carry us through the remainder of my i will also i will argue that the concept of putting on a show is something that you had probably heard at home several times and thought. I mean, I was doing plays at this point, but nobody goes to the roller skating rink and puts on their skates and is

like, I'm going to put on a show unless they're Christy fucking Yamaguchi. Like, do you know what I mean? A layman is not going to quote, put on a show at the roller skating rink. Why was I such a big liar? Let's reflect on that while I steal you away. Hey, got a couple Timbo slams here. This first one is for Daniel. It's from Michaela who says,

Hey, my cuddly red panda. It's been a rough 2020 not being able to travel to see each other. If there was a highway from the U.S. to Australia, you bet your cute booty I would drive it just to see you. I can't wait to move there when travel opens to start our life together and we can finally get all the puppers you want. Love, your adorable Michaela. If there was a highway between the U.S. and Australia, I feel like it would cut off a lot of oceanic shipping routes.

And it's like you didn't even think about that. And it's like you don't even think about a lot of people when they think about what they want. They don't even think about what the oceanic shipping industry needs you know what i mean so let's all just take a minute and take a deep breath before we start suggesting things that could so thoroughly devastate the oceanic shipping industry that's all i'm saying it's a great message sweet message i love it but just think about these things i really thought you were going to focus on the cuddly red panda i didn't know you were gonna no you know i mean you know going to read Michaela for the highway suggestion. You know I love that.

You know that's good stuff for me. But it's just, you know, you got to watch out on these things. Can I read the next message? Yes. It is for Jess. It is from Toby. To my wonderful Jess, I love you more than anything in the whole world, and I'm so impressed with the things you accomplished in 2020.

Thank you for a loving seven years. Much love, your Tobe. I heard about some of the stuff Jess got done in 2020. You hear about this? Jess did a... That real big robot. Built a big robot, yeah. That can like lift up... Lift up the whole. Bridges. Bridges. Lift up Jeff Bridges. Jess built a robot to lift and carry around Jeff Bridges. So that Jeff Bridges doesn't, you know, have to, you know, bother with it. And he has earned it. He's earned it.

Sure. So is Jess. Are you riddled with guilt over your TBR pile? Are you filled with shame about a book that you just can't seem to finish? Are you having regrets because grad school killed your love of reading? Wear reading glasses and we're here to help. I'm Mallory. And I'm Bria.

Let us absolve you of all your reading guilt. Stuck on a book you don't like? We'll help you dump it. Can't figure out what to read next? We'll recommend of all your reading guilt. Stuck on a book you don't like? We'll help you dump it. Can't figure out what to read next? We'll recommend something in your wheelhouse. Can't decide where to buy your books from? We'll point you in the right direction. No matter what you read or how you read it,

we'll help you do it better. Reading Glasses, every Thursday on Maximum Fun. Hey, do you want to know how I spend my money on November 30th, 1994? Yes. I sometimes spend it on video games or Mighty Maxes. And I've provided an explanation for Mighty Max. It's a monster face that transforms into horrifying places. This was to be particularly crass about it.

Do you know Polly Pocket? Yeah. This was boy Polly Pocket.ocket yeah i remember now okay once uh i had 41 and i just had to buy super nintendo games so i bought two games so i just watch out for cool toys at the toy store skull dungeon a mighty max my two games then i've drawn them i actually actually remember the Skull Dungeon. It was pretty cool. I do not know what two Super Nintendo games I could buy with $41 and still have enough left over for a Mighty Max. That's suspect to me.

Video games used to be like $70. I know, but you could get like a used one, right? Maybe. I was hitting up Babbage's, you think? These would not have been good games at all. $41, though. That that's pretty large that's the other question is where the fuck did i get 41 end of november too it's not even november right did i get thanksgiving 20s i don't you have allowance as a kid uh there is an entry that i

do about allowance where justin and travis got 15 for allowance and i got five uh and i'm pretty sure this was a monthly stipend, not a weekly one. Because the idea of my brothers making $60 a month is not anything that happened at our household. Big news. No date on this one. Probably mid-December.

Biggest letters. Blockbuster is in town. Blockbuster is now in Huntington Blockbuster And then in parenthesis I've written BB Is a neat video store BB has cool video games Videos, duh

And samples of video games The Kids Center is not for kids It's for babies Me and my brothers now have a new membership card And we checked out three things My Side of the Mountain Zardion, and Make My Video. My Side of the Mountain sounds familiar.

It does sound familiar. My Side of the Mountain. Hmm, it was, I wanna say Christina Ricci. Oh, I know. And it's like, and maybe it's like a- I think it's based on a book. It may be based on a book. It may be based on a book. I may be thinking of Return to Witch Mountain,

which anyway, Zardion. No, it has to be a video game of some sort. Make My Video. Have I talked to you about Make My Video before? Maybe. Justin, if you've heard it from somebody, it's probably Justin because it is an FMV game. And I believe they made two, one of which was Criss Cross Make My Video.

Oh, yeah. You have talked about this. And it would just play the same song and you would sort of select three video tracks that you would splice together essentially on the fly. And at the end, Criss Cross would come out and be like, great video, dude. You did an amazing job i i am so charmed by the fact that blockbuster came to huntington and it was big news it sounds like the circus came to town like y'all were pumped it was a big development for me i mean i remember blockbuster was like one of my favorite places to go as a kid yeah i mean my brother worked there for a while but also

it was like two blocks from my house. So it was a bit of a trek, but I could walk to Blockbuster Video. All right, so we're gonna move on now. 1995, third grade. Third grade, okay. Do you remember this teacher's name? Mrs. Hensley.

It was Mrs. Hensley the whole time. Oh, she taught talented and gifted all the way through? So we had two teachers for talented and gifted class, and there would be language arts, which was half of of it and then the other half was like other things like smart little shits should know so like half of it was mrs hensley and the other half was like science or computers or math or build a bridge out of toothpicks or oh my gosh i wish we could get her on the phone. Mrs. Hensley?

Yeah. Yeah, me too. She spent a lot of time with you. Yeah, absolutely. But I'm afraid, like, some of this shit is humiliating. Like, mostly the plagiarism is humiliating, because if she didn't know... What if we called her and she was like,

Oh, Griffin, yeah, I remember you used a lot of jack handy yeah used as a fun way of saying it did we talk about my band um when we did the live show well this is september 28th 1995 song favorite song living a life i don't want to live subject pop rock author ddg one i like this song because the music and the words make sense. Two, the electric piano that is in it is my favorite instrument. Three, me and my friends made it. This does sound familiar. This does sound familiar.

Okay. Yeah. I guess I wanted more details on the band, really. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you there. Okay. Let's talk about the most exciting part of my vacation. And here I feel like I really start to settle into a form of just coming at you with something straight over the plate to sort of like loosen you up, to sort of lower your defenses a bit.

And then I come at you with this tactical strike at the end. I mean, that's how you got me as a girlfriend. That's true. So it sounds like right on. The most exciting part of my vacation this was january 2nd so right after the holidays not as much fanfare about christmas in this one there's another one about holy shit actually jump back november 14th this weekend i saw and did a lot of stuff first i went to a skating party i almost Corners. So the skills are slipping up a bit.

I did get to see Ace Ventura, Pet Detective, When Nature Calls. Oh, no. Just a quote. It was great. Oh, no. And then I got to be the lead character on a puppet play that we did at church on Sunday.

Monday, it was Lego Day. The whole family were playing. I made a rocket ship and a submarine. Travis made a drawbridge castle. Justin made a jewelry box for mom. Mom and dad didn't play, but they watched us. That's a good ass weekend. Are you fucking kidding me?

Taking your child to see Ace Ventura. Yeah. And sitting there thinking like, this is the rest of my year. Yeah. Like what is happening and the lines that are being said in this movie. The terrible things he's saying. We're going to have to talk about this and I'm going to have to hear quotes from this. Forever.

Forever. But this was November 14th, 1995. Justin was 15 years old. He needed to see Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. You talk about it like it's like Back to the Future. He needed it. Like, if he hadn't seen it maybe he would be who he is today okay so now we lose a lot of work here because this is when i started writing in cursive and it's literally like complete it's just incomprehensible at this point um i think we have explored actually a majority of this journal uh i wonder if kids

still learn cursive god i hope not i remember like understanding it as a thing that you had to know if you were ever going to write a check yeah and then realizing like in college like oh i don't have to use cursive they Right. They will still take my money. So we did explore most of this journal during the live show episode. So I'm going to move on from it, except for this entry that I did draw the worst quilt. Usually quilts are a little bit more, but the story says the quilt. This quilt has been in the Smithsonian for 125 years. It was loomed by Abraham Lincoln.

It costs $50,000. smithsonian for 125 years it was loomed by abraham lincoln it costs fifty thousand dollars the idea that you can roll up to the smithsonian and be like let me get that how long has that quilt been here uh sir that quilt has been here for 125 years wow yeah it was loomed by abraham cool how much is it? $50,000. I'll take it. Also, like, a little known fact about Abraham Lincoln. That he loomed. Yeah.

That he loomed it. All right, so tell me where we are now. What grade? What year? So I believe this was fifth grade. I'm looking for a year on here, but this is way back in it. Oh, this is a good one. October 20th. I think it was fifth grade. I'm looking for a year on here, but this is way back in it. Oh, this is a good one. October 20th.

I think it's fifth grade. So this would have been 96, 97. This is when you started smoking cigarettes. This is when my cigarettes period. Stealing cars. Right, yeah. So these are a pair of entries, and the first is a printout that I've glued in here. And it's just a questionnaire. And you know me pretty well by now.

So maybe you can sort of give me some feedback on the brief. Okay? Okay. One, what kind of animal are you like? Answer, lion. Why? Because I am courageous and will try anything once. What do you think about that?

Try anything once. Uh-huh. What's up? What kind of bird are you like? An eagle. Why? Because I am cunning. Like an eagle?

Okay. What kind of fish are you like? Dolphin. Why? Because I am intelligent. I am seeing a griffin with a lot of confidence. What kind of weather are you like? Thunderstorm.

Why? Because I am loud. Okay. That's true. What kind of fruit or vegetable are you like? Thunderstorm. Why? Because I am loud. That's true. What kind of fruit or vegetable are you like? A strawberry. Why? Because I am sweet.

I feel like I am reading maybe your Match.com profile right now. What kind of plant or tree are you like? Sequoia tree. Why? Because I have much endurance. Yeah, this definitely sounds like a dating profile. I'm a sweet strawberry like a sequoia tree with lots of endurance. I would argue that it's possible to find this exact person on Match.com right now. What kind of flower are you like?

Venus flytrap. Why? I look harmful, but I'm deadly okay well that's just a typo if you see that on a match.com profile you gotta go you gotta get out of there and so now

we do have a poem and we also have a pretty sick drawing of a fusion of all these answers part lion, part eagle, part dolphin, part thunderstorm part strawberry, part lion part eagle part dolphin part thunderstorm part strawberry part sequoia tree part venus flytrap i've i've drawn this abomination with a poem body of a lion swift wings and unforgiving talons of an eagle wide knowing eyes of a dolphin loud voice of a thunderstorm brilliant red color of a strawberry standing tall like a

sequoia tree. As surprisingly viscous as a Venus flag. I wish I could get out my email inbox right now because that is exactly how I described you after we met. Yeah. And then I've drawn just sort of this red. I mean, a griffin honestly is, it is. Flying around on a cloud. It is. Red like a strawberry. That's incredible, huh? What did you think of that? That was our first actual poem. Yeah.

I mean, you have a superior understanding of the traits of all of those things you discussed, which is a good place to start when writing a poem. Here's a riddle. You want to see if you can answer it? Okay. I have two hemispheres yet i'm not a planet i have millions of eyes yet i cannot see if i belong to you you'll never see me when my shell dies i die i'm always taken for granted and nobody realizes my full potential

i'm essential for you to live what am i whoa yeah i don't provide the answer here but my teacher has taken a guess two hemispheres and then if i lose my shell i die if my shell dies i die my shell dies i die i'm confused i'm confused about this my teacher has written a brain, which I think is right. But a brain doesn't have millions of eyes. Yeah, yeah. That's, I think, why she's written a brain. She spent all night. She did not sleep that night trying to figure that out.

Here's a couple of HJs. This one's called A Quick Way to Fill Two Pages. What? That is my one word poem. seven words oops 10 words and then it goes all the way down through 85 words and then i tried it on this page just says oops 88 words and then it ends and she writes this is not an entry wow griffin bad boy yeah this one is just written sort of in the exact middle of the a lot of things actually i've also taken from brack uh from brack presents the brack show starring brack on adult swim what is that picture there on the next page that i just got a little glimpse that's a super monkey collider again i think a jack handy deep thought that i have uh let's say repurposed. Here she's actually written,

this is a funny entry from Mrs. Hensley. She's written, great, 98%, six out of seven HJs. You know what, let's wrap things up. This one's sort of just a picture and this is something we've talked about, I believe, about sort of a weird thing that

our church youth group did, and by weird, I mean hugely unethical and kind of grody, but I've written this about Free Day. Let me tell you about some cool things at my church. Our cool new youth leader let us form our own small groups, and mine is the coolest. We're called the Great Fish. our own small groups and mine is the coolest we're called the great fish we've got everything motto secret handshake song and no adult leaders what was this lord of the flies youth group what what is with this complete forfeiture of adult supervision happening at my church we even have a website formed by moi. And then there's a link to the website, which I'm not going to provide.

Another thing, but first, can we appreciate, I've included a hyperlink in my journal in like 1996, 1997. That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool shit. Another thing are these things called doer dollars. Whenever you do a good deed, you get a certain amount of doer dollars.

I've got 44. Anyway, today they auction stuff off and you use the doer dollars to get stuff. The stuff is donated by different stores and other businesses. There's a big thing every year. TV, VCR, DVD player, et cetera. And this year it's a scooter.

Yes, you have told me about this. This is fascinating. Like this commerce-driven society that you all have in your church for like- Bringing people to church? Yeah, that's the thing is that they realized if they just relied on your goodwill, that nothing would happen. So they started paying you all to bring in people. Yeah.

Oh, man. Oof, we all remember this one. Today's a very sad day in music indeed. Did you think, by the way, that you were going to get your talented and gifted teacher to come to your church with that entry? Yes, all of these are in uh in the interest of saving mrs hensley's soul today's a very sad day in music history indeed napster which i'm sure you've heard of has been shut down what may i ask you is so wrong with a downloadable program that

allows you to share music files with other people i I mean, it was good publicity for bands. I tell you what it was, that dang Metallica trying to mess it up. And then I've drawn a no symbol over the Napster logo and it says no Napster. Did you really write that dang Metallica? That dang Metallica tries to mess it up. Oh my gosh. This gives me a real context because like Napster was still around when I was in high school. Okay, this really is the last one and then we'll wrap up.

This page is called Finding Forrester. Did you ever see that movie, Sean Connery? No. Finding Forrester was a good movie, but i had to watch it a couple of times to understand it and then i've drawn a bunch of stick figures here in the middle of the page and then i write did you find him he's holding his book anyway it was okay just not my kind of movie and then i've drawn sean connery here oh is that who has a grotesque amount of hair growing out of his ears which i thought was rude and he says says, I'm Sean Connery.

You're the man now, dog. The idea of me drawing a little finite forester where's Waldo in the middle of the page. Yeah, that's charming. That movie, I feel like, was really formative for you all because I feel like I still hear you all quote that very same line. Yep. And here, I guess,

Miss Bentley has signed my notebook. Miss Bentley was a good-ass teacher. I mean, clearly, she has a lot of patience. A lot of patience. A lot of patience for my nonsense. At one point, I wrote, at one point, I wrote, put my 100% right here. And I circled a little spot for her to put it.

And she did write 100 in there because i did all my hjs so i mean that's the full picture you know taking this tour uh through your talent um i think the only year that we really kept like a an hj uh was third grade yeah because i i remember my third grade notebook because i used it to express my grievance um when my teacher uh called out one of our students as being the only real student that day whoa Whoa. I still remember this. The girl had scored the best on a math test and the rest of us did not do well. And she lifted this student up and said,

well, I guess she's the only real student today. And I remember writing in my journal, I do not think that was fair. I do not think that was appropriate. No, that's a terrible thing was fair. I do not think that was appropriate. No, that's a terrible thing to say. I was very outraged because this was not a particularly nice girl. I wish, it is, the thing that is illuminating to me, looking back through these old journals,

is that I possessed no principles like that to to lean on and when i was tat there's a lot of things i didn't read because i am embarrassed so hugely not of the quality of the writing but just like when tasked with writing about anne frank i did not possess the the the like whatever one needs to tackle that earnestly with the amount of effort that it would require. Yeah. See, this is the thing that I think, you know, I think about a lot now is that I was one of those students who I like desperately wanted to impress and like ingratiate myself to the teacher, whoever they were, you know? And maybe like when I was with my friends, I'd like play it cool. Like, oh yeah, I don't really care.

But when you look at like the work I submitted, it was always like, please, please like me. Right, yeah. So whenever you're like, yeah, it's the thing I wrote and it's not true and I didn't really care about it. I'm like, how could you do that? And we talked about this during the live show, like a somewhat politically tumultuous time.

Yeah. And I didn't bother learning about what was happening in the world around me. And so I was ill-equipped to talk about to write about the oklahoma city bomb like i why would you ask me to write about that stuff you know reading my other entries the things i care about are what game boy games i got and how i'm gonna get the fuck out of this building and go home and play super nintendo how much of that is just a reflection of you being the youngest you know interesting of of not only not having to like take responsibility for like the larger like heavier things that were happening but also like getting the impression from your

brothers that like this was not this was not a thing that you should really care about oh yeah i don't know i don't know either but hey you turned about. Oh, yeah. I don't know. I don't know either. But hey, you turned out pretty good. I did. Yeah. I don't know how, but I did. Thank you for going on this journey with me. Hey, thank you for inviting me into Lil' Griff.

Yeah. And thank you all for listening at home. And thanks to Bowen and Augustus for these for a theme song, Money Won't Pay. You can find a link to that in the episode description. And thanks to maximum fun for having us on the network. It's a great, great network with a lot of great shows on it. And we're honored to be a part of it.

That's very, very true. Well, we're going to go now. And I mean, this is in the past. So just say, just get thoughts and prayers as we,

I mean, that makes it sound like we've been through something terrible yeah it's not that i'm sure we're happy i'm sure we're fine i'm sure we're doing great right now with our our new son who sleeps 10 hours through the night and we're we're getting the best sleep of our lives baby our 12 pound newborn our 12 pound newborn popped right out no problem delivered himself this newborn. Incredible time. Gave us the peace sign.

Gave us the peace sign coming out. So dope. Okay, bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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