You're Dead to Me - Aztecs

Episode Date: December 17, 2025

Dead Funny History: The AztecsJoin historian Greg Jenner for a funny and fascinating family adventure into the world of the Aztecs, an extraordinary civilisation of gods, gold, chocolate and… the odd human sacrifice.The rise of an empire The Aztec Empire thrived in Central Mexico between the 14th and 16th centuries. Greg takes families and children back to Tenochtitlan, the stunning island city that became the Aztec capital. Home to grand pyramids, bustling markets and thousands of temples, it was four times bigger than Tudor London!The Aztecs built their empire through skill, trade and an unshakeable belief in their gods. They worshipped deities of war, water, joy, dreams and even mischief; with a few dramatic rituals to keep them happy.Sacrifice, skulls and sunshine In this laugh-out-loud lesson, Greg explains why the Aztecs offered human hearts to the gods to keep the sun shining, and how their earth goddess, Tlaltecuhtli, demanded regular blood donations. From “flower wars” to giant skull racks, Aztec religion could be extreme, but it was also deeply symbolic and full of meaning.Not all the stories are scary, though. Between the jokes and sound effects, Greg reveals a lively culture where chocolate was money, gold was “sun poop”, and weddings were celebrated with piggybacks and cocoa toasts!Life in Tenochtitlan Greg and the Dead Funny History cast bring the city to life with humour and heart - from the markets full of maize, avocados and chillies, to the matchmakers who literally “tied the knot.” There’s even a cameo from the world’s first emojis - Aztec picture writing!It’s history told with big laughs, smart facts and plenty of family fun, as Greg balances gory moments with the joyful, inventive side of Aztec life.The fall of the Aztecs Of course, not every empire ends happily. Greg tells how Spanish conquistador Hernando Cortés arrived in 1519, bringing war, betrayal and devastating diseases that wiped out much of the Aztec world. It’s a sobering but powerful story about bravery, belief and survival.Funny, factual and unforgettable With jokes, sketches and sound design that make history come alive, Dead Funny History – The Aztecs is perfect for curious kids, families and fans of Greg Jenner’s clever storytelling. Discover how one of the world’s greatest civilisations shaped modern Mexico, and how chocolate really did change the world!Writers: Jack Bernhardt, Gabby Hutchinson Crouch and Dr Emma Nagouse Host: Greg Jenner Performers: Mali Ann Rees and John-Luke Roberts Producer: Dr Emma Nagouse Associate Producer: Gabby Hutchinson Crouch Audio producer: Emma Weatherill Script consultant: Professor Caroline Dodds Pennock Production Coordinator: Liz Tuohy Production Manager: Jo Kyle Studio Managers: Keith Graham and Andrew Garratt Sound designer: Peregrine AndrewsA BBC Studios Production

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BBC World Service. Listen on BBC.com or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello and welcome to Dead Funny History. I'm Greg Jenner. I'm a historian and I want to tell you about something cool. Well, up to a point. The Aztec Empire. What's the Aztec Empire? Oh, it was an incredible civilisation which thrived in central Mexico between the 14th and early 16th centuries and was full of things like gold but also human sacrifice but also chocolate but also a teeny bit of cannibalism our story begins in 1325 with the founding of what would become the capital city of the Aztec empire it was called ten oj titlan in 1428 tenodtitlan joined forces with two other city states Teskoku and Clackopan.

And form something called the Triple Alliance. This helped them fight off the powerful Tepernex of Ascapodzalco. Tenorchtitland became the big dog though, and by 1503, its population may have been as much as 200,000 people. That is four times bigger than London was in the reign of Henry VIII. Ain't on a no. Ain't a yes. It meant that Aztec influence stretched throughout central.

Mexico, and a big part of the culture was religion. There was a massive pyramid in the capital of Tenochtitlan that was over 300 feet tall, with two grand staircases going to the top. Imagine being the priests who had to commute to the shrines up there. I chose a bad week to skip leg day. This pyramid was the main temple for the people of Tenochtitlan, with shrines to both the god of war and the god of water. two things that were really important in Aztec life. But Aztecs had loads of gods.

The god of weapons, the god of feasts and joy, the god of medicine and healing, the god of dreams, the god of starting wars for his own amusement. Oh, what am I like? I just get bored, I do. Aztecs believed that since the gods gave so much to them, it was important to give back. And how did the Aztecs give back? Was it with a bake sale?

Help the gods, darling. All donations welcome. Not quite. They chose human sacrifice. Yeah, their victim was escorted to the top of the pyramid where four priests would hold them down while a fifth priest cut out their heart with a knife made from volcanic obsidian glass. Or a small monthly donation's fine.

Aztecs believed that they had a collective debt to the gods who had created the world. and these gods needed to be sustained through human blood. One of their myths talked about Telal Tekutli, the Great Earth Crocodile, who was apparently ripped in two to create the land. Ouch! The poor thing needed to be fed fresh blood to keep her alive and to make up for that whole being ripped in half thing as well.

Welcome back to the Dirty Cathay, Great Earth Crocodile, home of the Al you can eat human buffet. May I recommend the hort of human sacrifice? for starters, paired with a litre of human sacrifice blood. Oh, yummy. How fresh is it? Very fresh, very cheeky, aren't you? Uh, mate, will you please stop cutting my heart out?

Oh, stop whining. You know, it's a huge honour to be a sacrifice. Oh, really? Some sources say that people were happy to be offered up as a sacrifice. Oh, yeah. Go on, En. Anything for the crocodile guard? And other sources say they weren't.

But some of those accounts are from Europeans, like Hernando Cortez, who we will meet later, and may not have been the most trustworthy of sources. Oh, why would you say a thing like that? I said we'll find out later. Go and wait in the corner, Hernando Cortez. Fine. One really famous part of Tenochtitlan was the Waysson Pantley, A giant rack of human skulls.

I mean, skull racks are one of the trickier racks to find at Dunelm these days. Okay, we've got spice racks, coat racks, shoe racks, but nothing from our thousands of skulls. Oh, pithy! And we haven't even got to the cannibalism. Cannibalism? Okay, yes. Some cannibalism.

But archaeologists don't think there's enough evidence to say it was very widespread. An enemy would be captured in war. You are my prisoner. Oh, no! And would then come to live near his captors for a while. After a bit of time, as part of a ritual, the captive would then say, You are as my son. And the captive would say,

Oh, he was my father. Aww. I know, really sweet, until the captive was killed on Sacrifice Day. Yeah, sorry. And then the captor would bring the body back and send the best bit off to the ruler. Thigh meat was apparently the best. Legal breast, boss.

Lag, please. And the rest of the body would be cooked, usually in a stew for the captor's friends and family to enjoy. The captor himself would skip the stew and observed the feast all dressed in white. We think this was a sign of respect. But maybe he just didn't want to get casserole on his nice white clothes.

I've got prisoner of war still all down my front. Speaking of prisoners of war, you may think that the Aztecs would be fearsome on the battlefield, and in lots of ways they were. But war wasn't really about killing their enemies. It was about wounding them so they couldn't run away. So they could then be captured and sacrificed to the gods. Aztec warriors fought with a huge three to four foot long club

covered in sharp obsidian glass, and these were really good for hacking at people's legs. Say hello to my little friend called Wheatsila Puchley, God of War and Son, and their love language is being gifted human hearts. The fact that Aztecs didn't usually fight to kill became important later when. Holla, is time to say how I ruined everything yet?

Still no, Hanando Cortez, back to your corner. Sorry about him. Sometimes there could be a big problem with the whole sacrificing prisoners of war to the gods thing. Slate problem with your order, your crocodileness. We haven't had a war lately, so we ran out of prisoners of war. And this is when Aztecs may have had flower wars. Sounds nice, right?

Hey man, peace and love. Let's please the gods with the power of flowers. Not quite. Flower wars were possibly scheduled battles just for the purpose of capturing future human sacrifices. Hey man, totally going to have to drag you back to my pyramid of peace and cut out your heart to keep the sun shining on all the groovy dudes. You're welcome. If Aztecs excelled at battle, it wasn't just pleasing the gods they could look forward to. Top warriors were also rewarded with drinking chocolate. Nice. For a second there, I was worried my reward to be something. cheap and nasty like gold. Yeah, Aztecs didn't think gold

was that fancy. They also didn't have money in the way that we know it, but instead had a barter system of swapping valuable things, like cotton capes and cacao beans. So chocolate was a bit like money.

In the Aztec language called noatl, the word for gold, teo quidlatel, meant excrement of the sun. Yes, sun poo. And who pays for things with poo anyway. That's a quick way to get thrown out of Tesco. Please tap or insert your card. Unexpected poo-poo in the bank area. Security. Speaking of supermarkets, what did Aztecs get in their big weekly shop? Well, their main food was maize, especially in tasty tortillas. They also ate

beans and avocados. Lots of stuff you'd still find in Mexican food today, actually. Oh, ho! Sounds delicious, but not as a delicious, as a piece of pizza. Actually, Mr Italian, Aztecs had tomatoes way before anyone in Europe. Mamma me! They also ate chilies long before they popped up in curries, and they had turkey before it became a fixture of Christmas dinners. Aztecs also ate squash, potatoes and fish. Delicious.

And the odd bit of lizard and some. Pond scum. Less delicious. No, you are not getting any pudding until you've eaten all your green algae. Speaking of feasts, Aztecs loved a good wedding, and to get married, they would need a matchmaker. Hi! These people were usually older women, and they would arrange marriages often with some surprising extras, including giving the bride a piggyback to the wedding venue. Oh, we should bring that back. Forget getting picked up by a limo.

newlyweds should get picked up by a granny. Well, that wraps up this wonderful wedding. It's time to say goodnight to the bride and groom. Up on then, you love birds. Oh, who tied gans to me? And at an Aztec wedding ceremony, the groom's cape and the bride's skirt were tied together to symbolise their commitment to one and one. another, literally tying the knot.

Aww. And then everyone would drink chocolate. Yay! Except the elderly people who had alcohol. The couple would then spend four days getting to know each other before emerging as a married couple. They'd have trouble writing their thank you cards, though, because Aztec writing used pictures, not letters. The Aztecs were basically using emojis way before they were cool. So, how did the war go?

Ah, thumbs down emoji. What's going to happen to you? Bif and fork emoji? What does that mean? The Aztec civilization came to a devastating end because... Is he my turn now? Yes, Hanando Cortez, it's your turn now. In 1519, Spanish colonizers led by Cortez turned up

and it all went horribly wrong for the Aztecs. At first, the emperor, Motecosoma, welcome Cortez into Tenocht-Lan. Welcome! And I took the... But personally. But Cortez, along with thousands of indigenous allies like the Tash Kalans, besieged Tenochtitlan for four months, which is pretty rude if you've just been invited into a city.

After about a year, Motecosoma died, the city surrendered, and the new emperor Quatamok was executed. And it doesn't get any better. Oh, come on! The Spanish conquistadors brought smaller invaders with them that were just as deadly. Yes, while the Spanish got gold, chocolate, tomatoes, maize and potatoes, the Aztecs got smallpox, flu, measles and mumps in return. Is that a good deal?

No. Wave after wave of disease devastated the indigenous population, until about 90% of the population of Mexico, many millions of people had been wiped out within 100 years. This is why we prefer to trade in chocolate, not foreign diseases. Yeah, pretty depressing. Sorry, they can't all have happy endings. Okay, so how much do you remember from today's speedy history lesson?

Let's find out, pencils at the ready. Question one, what was the name of the capital city of the Aztec Empire? Tenochtitlan. Question two, what yummy thing which we still enjoy today, It was used as Aztec currency, as well as a tasty snack for top warriors. Chocolate or cacao beans. And question three. What was the purpose of an Aztec flower war?

Capture enemies for human sacrifice. Well done. Join us next time for another snappy history lesson. And if you're a grown-up and want to learn more about the Aztecs, listen to our episode of You're Dead to Me with Professor Karachi. Caroline Dodds Penneck. Thanks for listening. Bye. This was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4. Dead Funny History was written by Jack Bernhardt, Gabby Hutchson Crouch and Dr. Emma Noghous. It was hosted by me, Greg Jenner, and performed by Malianne Reese and John

Luke Roberts. The script consultant was Professor Caroline Dodds Penick. World of Secrets Uncovers a network of scammers, deceiving desperate parents, searching for help for their children with cancer. I trusted him a lot, and this is what he did to me. Who say they never received the money raised in their children's names. They promised him toys and whatever he wanted if he agreed to film the video. Please help me, please. World of Secrets, the Child Cancer Scam from the BBC World Service.

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