You're Dead to Me - Hadrian's Wall

Episode Date: December 16, 2025

Join historian Greg Jenner for a hilarious and fascinating family adventure through ancient Britain, exploring the History of Hadrian’s Wall, one of the most iconic landmarks of the Roman Empire.Rome meets Britain When the Romans first invaded Britain, they weren’t prepared for the chilly weather, the fierce tribes or how long it would take to build their empire. From Julius Caesar’s half-hearted invasions to Emperor Claudius’s chilly conquest, Greg Jenner whizzes through the centuries of Roman rule with his trademark wit and sketches.Enter Emperor Hadrian! Then along comes the main man himself: Hadrian. The bearded emperor with a love of architecture, art, and… his boyfriend Antinous. With comedy flair, Greg tells how Hadrian rose to power, toured the empire, and decided to solve his northern problem by building a giant wall across Britain.Hadrian’s Wall stretched 80 Roman miles, from coast to coast. A monumental feat of engineering that marked the edge of the empire. But was it an impenetrable defence, or just an ancient form of border control (with a bit of extra tax collection on the side)?Behind the wall Greg and the Dead Funny History cast bring the world of Roman soldiers to life, complete with bustling forts, bakeries, temples, hospitals and toga shops! There’s even a few unfortunate emperors who discovered that visiting York didn’t always end well…With jokes, sketches and sharp historical insight, this episode turns stone and history into laughter and learning for children, families and anyone curious about ancient Britain.The afterlife of a wall From the Romans’ chilly retreat to the medieval locals who recycled Hadrian’s Wall into castles, churches and pigsties, Greg reveals how this monumental structure survived and how it later became a treasured World Heritage Site.History has never been this funny Packed with facts, puns and fast-paced fun, Dead Funny History – Hadrian’s Wall makes the Roman past lively and unforgettable. Perfect for curious kids, history-loving families, and fans of Greg Jenner’s clever storytelling.Writers: Jack Bernhardt, Gabby Hutchinson Crouch, and Dr Emma Nagouse Host: Greg Jenner Performers: Mali Ann Rees and Richard David-Caine Producer: Dr Emma Nagouse Associate Producer: Gabby Hutchinson Crouch Researcher: Dr Emmie Rose Price-Goodfellow Audio producer: Emma Weatherill Script consultant: Dr Andrew Birley Production Coordinator: Liz Tuohy Jo Kyle: Production Manager Studio Managers: Keith Graham and Andrew Garratt Sound Designer: Peregrine AndrewsA BBC Studios Production

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. I'm David Soucher, and from the Noiser podcast network comes Charles Dickens' ghost stories. This Christmas, I'll be reading a selection of the author's most chilling short works, brought to life with sound design and original music. But first, Dickens' most beloved ghost story of all, a Christmas carol. Charles Dickens' Ghost Stories, available wherever you get your podcasts. Hello and welcome to Dead Funny History. I'm Greg Jenner, I'm a historian, and I want to tell you about something cool.

If you live in the north of England or in Scotland, you might have seen it. You might even live next door to it. It is the ancient grand design that marked the northern edge of the Roman Empire. It is, of course, Hadrian's wall. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. It's me, Emperor Hadrian, and this is my mighty wall. People of Britain, marble at it. Hold your horses, Hadrian. It's not your bit yet. Fine. To explain how the wall was built, we first have to go back to when the Romans first arrived in Britain.

Almost 200 years before Hadrian was emperor. It was 55 BCE, and Julius Caesar was getting fed up with Britain's messing up his war with the Gauls. in what is now France. The Britons kept harboring Gaulish rebels and sending them aid. At least that's what Caesar said. Attention, Britain. Stop doing that.

No! Right, that's it. I'm invading. Oh, we're so scared. First time around, Caesar didn't bring enough soldiers to actually conquer the Britons, so it was a bit of a stalemate. But Caesar's second.

invasion in 54 BCE went a bit better. This was largely because the British tribes were doing what they do best, fighting amongst themselves. This time, Caesar just about managed to get north of the River Thames in southern England, and then he sort of just gave up and went back to Gaul. That's too chilly. Bye! The full-on Roman invasion of Britain only happened a hundred years later, when they had an exciting new emperor, Claudius. Hooray! Following the assassination of the previous emperor, Caligula. Oh!

I'll just take everyone's minds of that little assassination by conquering Britain. Hooray! Claudius meant business. He brought 40,000 soldiers and quickly advanced north of the Thames, and then built a military base in what is now Colchester. And he did all of that in 16 days. And then he left to go and have a victory. parade back in Rome.

Oh, it's too chilly. Bye. But conquering the rest of Britannia, as the Romans called it, was harder. In particular, the Romans struggled to occupy Caledonia, which is now Scotland. Battles with Caledonians were a regular occurrence and the Romans needed something to stop them and to mark the edge of their empire. Is it me now? Yes, Hadrian, it's you now.

Great. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. It's me. Hadrian. Hadrian was born in 76 CE in Rome. His family were Spanish nobles from a town near what is now Seville in Spain. Very different vibes to Northern Britain. But Hadrian wasn't going to go to Britain for ages yet. Sadly, both of Hadrian's parents died when he was young, but a couple of wealthy relatives became his guardians.

One of them was Marcus Ulpius Trianus, who gave Haydrianus, who gave Hadrian an education and loads of military work placements in various parts of the empire. And then, when Hadrian was in his 20s, his guardian, Marcus Ulpius Trianus, was made Emperor Trajan. Hadrian now married the new Emperor Trajan's grand niece, Sabina, and took on a load of important political roles. Okay, here's Hades' top tips for success. One, get born rich.

That's an important one. Two, have your legal guardian end up emperor. Oh, yeah. And three, that's it, sorted. But then Hadrian fell out with Emperor Trajan, which presumably made family dinners a little bit awkward. Uh-oh, a consequence, Haydine like he. Instead, Hadrian went travelling and ended up in Greece, which he really loved.

Ah, yeah, Haydi do like it. Nice weather, great art, cool hipster boo. Yeah, he really did like the Greek trend for facial hair and grew his own big curly beard, which was very unusual for clean-shaven Roman men at the time. And I tell you what Hady rally like here. The dudes are so handsome. Yeah, Hadrian may have been married to Sabina, but he had a load of boyfriends. Hey now, don't make it sound like Hady was a player.

I did have one true love. Antenuous. We'll get to Antinous in a bit. I still haven't said how you become the Roman Emperor yet. Oh, that. Yeah, fine, get on with it. But just leave plenty of time for Antenua. In the year 117 CE, Emperor Trajan fell ill. And as he was dying, his wife, Plotina, said,

Friends, Romans, my husband just secretly whispered to me on his deathbed that he wants the next emperor to be Hadrian. Hadrian, who just happens to? to be your favourite relative? Yeah, it's just one of those wacky coincidences. Not only did Hadrian have Plotina on his team, but he also had the support of the Eastern Legions of the Roman army. Super helpful.

Yay! Emperor Heddy! Right, now can we talk about Antinous? Fine. Do you want the harp? Obviously. Okay. Antinous... Oh, hi. Yeah, he was a countryside lad from a Greek colony called Bifidivis.

He was very handsome, and Hadrian was obsessed. Hey, that's not fair. I just had a few busts of him made. And sculptures. That's just normal boyfriend stuff, babe. And you dedicated noblisk to me that said I was really fit and clever. Hey, I'm just an all-powerful emperor in love. At this point, you might be wondering, what about Sabina, his wife?

Yeah, what about me, his wife? Well, they didn't get on at all. but Hadrian never dumped Sabina and he may not have treated her very well either but she had a very close pal called Julia who some historians think may have been her girlfriend Why are you talking about my wife? Get back to Antinous.

Well sadly Antinuas drowned in the River Nile in 130Ce and Hadrian reacted to this in his usual understated way. Right, I shall have Antinuos declared a god obviously and I'll start a religious cult in his name and build a whole city in Egypt called Antonopoulos in his honour. Flowers for my grave would also be fine. Hadrian really did love building stuff and was actually a very hard-working and productive emperor.

The Pantheon temple in Rome had burned down under Emperor Nero, decades earlier, so Hadrian had it rebuilt. He also built a massive library and a temple and lots of other impressive structures. Plus he travelled around the emperor, a lot more than other Roman emperors. And in the year 122 CE, he finally visited that cold and difficult northern border in Britannia.

Oof, you've had some real Caledonian cowboys in here. Haydn't know like it this cold mess. I'm going to fix it by building something absolutely massive. So Hadrian built a huge wall that ran for 80 Roman miles from Wall's End in Tyne and Weir on the east coast of northern England to Bowness on Solway on the west coast of Northern England. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. My masterpiece, Hedrian's Ward.

Okay, check out my plans. Three metres wide, four-point-five metres tall, with a huge ditch to catch any naughty and they. Every mile there will be a fortified gateway. That's 80-4th. Hey, do you really like it, 80-40? At least that was the plan. It didn't actually happen like that.

The wall had to be narrower, and they ditched a lot of the ditches as the British soil was just too stony to dig through. But it still looked great, right? Kinder? I mean, it started well, but the more they built, the worse the quality got. A bit like making a poster with a pen that's running out of ink. Oh, foo it. It wasn't as if the wall was supposed to be this big impenetrable barrier. It was more like a militarised war.

border control, stopping raids from Caledonia and creating crossing points where travellers could be searched and taxed. Tax? More money for me? He did like it? The wall itself was built by Roman soldiers. Salway? That's how Roman say a lot. But it was manned by auxiliaries. Those were foreign soldiers from the rest of the Roman Empire. Hello? That's how non-Romans in England say hello. And the forts built into the wall also housed soldiers, such as the Haustard's fort near Hexham, which you can still visit today. There you can see a huge rectangular complex, with room not just for soldiers, but also places of worship, a hospital, a granary for storing grain, a bakery, a bakery, in fact, excavations

have shown that some forts had whole towns built around them for soldiers' families and would have included houses and shops and drinking taverns. Will you be quiet? My point is they were big, bustling communities. But what happened to Hadrian's wall after Hadrian? Well, in 142 CE, the Romans built a new wall, even further north, under the orders of a new emperor called Antoninus Pius. Antenowas!

No, different guy. Aww. This was known as the Antonine Wall. and it stretched between the 4th and Clyde Rivers and represented the new border of the Roman Empire. It was a bit like a sequel to Hadrian's Wall. Hadrian's Wall too. This time, it's northerner.

It's more north. However, by 160 CE, the Romans had retreated and were back at Old Hadrian's Wall again. But undeterred, the Romans tried again to conquer Caledonia. There was Emperor Septimius Severus in 208. I will defeat those awful Caledonians once and for all. Hooray! But first I will stop off in York, because I just feel a tiny bit ill.

Yeah, despite a three-year war in Caledonia, Severus failed and died in York. Then in 305 CE, Emperor Constantine Cloris came up to take on a new Scottish enemy. I will defeat those awful picks once and for all. Hooray! But first I will stop off in York. I just feel a tiny bit ill. And he also died in York. What is it about Roman emperors dying in York?

York. Where Roman emperors come to die. Hadrian's war was fully occupied right up until the year 410, C.E. When the exhausted Romans said, Oh, it's too chilly. And after that, the wall was used by local communities. Okay, when you say used, do you mean they kept it in the pristine lovely condition that I left it here? Uh, not exactly.

Medieval people used it as a stone quarry to build castles, churches, homes and farms. Wait, so my wall was used to make pig stars. He didn't like here. It wasn't until the 18th and 19th centuries that people decided that this was a historical monument that should be preserved and studied. Now, Hadrian's wall is a world heritage site, and it's one of the most famous walls in the country. Aw, hey, do you like it? So how much do you remember from today's speedy history lesson? Let's find out. Pencils at the ready.

Question one. Who was the first Roman to invade Britain? Julius Caesar. Question two. Hadrian's wall separated the northern edge of the Roman Empire from which land. Caledonia, a.k.a. Scotland. And question three, who was Hadrian's boyfriend, who had a whole city built in his honour? Antenuous. Well done. Join us next time for another snappy history lesson. Thank you for listening. Bye. This was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4.

Dead Funny History. was written by Jack Bernhardt, Gabby Hutchison Crouch and Dr. Emma Neguse. The researcher was Dr. Emmy Rose Price Goodfellow. It was hosted by me, Greg Jenner, and performed by Malianne Reese and Richard David Cain. The script consultant was Dr. Andrew Burley. I'm David Soucher, and from the Noiser Podcast Network comes Charles Dickens' ghost stories. This Christmas, I'll be reading a selection of the author's most chilling short. Works, brought to life with sound design and original music.

But first, Dickens' most beloved ghost story of all, a Christmas Carol. Charles Dickens' ghost stories, available wherever you get your podcasts.