You're Dead to Me - History of Football

Episode Date: December 15, 2025

Join historian Greg Jenner for a funny and fascinating journey through the History of Football. A laugh-out-loud episode of Dead Funny History, the family podcast that brings the past back to life.From medieval madness to the modern game Football might be the world’s favourite sport today, but its early days were anything but beautiful. Greg takes us back to medieval Britain, when football was a chaotic town-wide scramble played on Pancake Day, complete with hundreds of players, broken windows and absolutely no referee in sight.Kings, chaos … and the rules of the game We meet monks who first wrote about the sport and kings who tried (and failed) to ban it. Then, in the 1800s, posh public-school students invented their own versions, and their many arguments eventually gave us both football and rugby.Enter the gloriously named Ebenezer Cobb Morley, the man who helped create the Football Association and the rulebook that changed the game forever.The women who made football their own Greg also features the brilliant women who played, led and loved football long before it was accepted. There’s Nettie Honeyball, who founded the British Ladies’ Football Club, and Lily Parr, the teenage superstar striker of the Dick, Kerr Ladies, famous for her unstoppable shot and trailblazing spirit.Even when the FA banned women’s matches in 1921, these pioneers kept playing, paving the way for today’s Lionesses.History meets hilarity With jokes, sketches and sound effects galore, from “Vatican VAR” to medieval mob matches, Greg Jenner and the Dead Funny History team bring the story of football roaring to life. It’s packed with fun facts, silly moments and quick-fire quizzes that make learning irresistible for children, families and football fans alike.The perfect family listen If you’ve ever wondered how football began, why kings banned it, or how women’s teams made sporting history, this episode delivers a clever mix of comedy and education. Funny, factual and full of heart, Dead Funny History: The History of Football is history with extra time and plenty of laughs.Host: Greg Jenner Writers: Jack Bernhardt, Gabby Hutchinson Crouch and Dr Emma Nagouse Performers: Mali Ann Rees and John Luke-Roberts Producer: Dr Emma Nagouse Associate Producer: Gabby Hutchinson Crouch Audio Producer: Emma Weatherill Script Consultant: Professor Jean Williams Production Coordinator: Liz Tuohy Production Manager: Jo Kyle Studio Managers: Keith Graham and Andrew Garratt Sound Designer: Peregrine AndrewsA BBC Studios Production

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. Have you ever thought about turning your side hustle into a proper business, but don't know where to start? Well, that's what we're doing on The Businessmen. I'm Ben Shepard, and with my mate, business partner and co-host, Joel Domit, we're launching a brand new venture. We're going into skin care. You can follow the highs and lows on our brand new podcast, The Businessmen, available on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, welcome to Dead Funny History. I'm Greg Jenner, I'm a historian and I want to tell you about something cool.

Football, my favourite! We can trace ball games back thousands of years. Even though modern football has only been going since around the 1850s, in medieval Europe it was less like this, and more like this. more like this. Oh, my wintems! Ow, my spine.

One of the earliest references to ball games in Britain is from the 9th century, in a book called the Historia Britonum, which means the history of the Britons, written, we think, by a Welsh monk called Nenius. It describes boys playing ball. Hello, and welcome to this coverage of a game of as I can see going on outside of my monastic cell.

It's one group of boys against another group of boys. Historians have referred to the medieval game by lots of names. Folk football. Mab football. They were big community games, usually played in towns and villages on festival days. Sometimes Christmas Day. Who, who, who, who.

Goal! Goal! Goal! But mostly on Pancake Day. Pancake Day? Yep. It's also called Shrove Tuesday. Now, these games could sometimes stretch the length of a town and could involve hundreds of players. There's some people on the pitch and by pitch. I mean the whole high street.

There were fewer rules. I, referee! He just picked up the ball. Yeah, you were allowed to carry the ball and throw it in the goal. Aye, ref, he's just punched me. Yeah, that was mostly fine too. Refere! Oh, and there wasn't a referee.

What? Don't look at me, mate. I'm just a historian. Now, this football could be really, really gruesome. In 1321, William Despalding accidentally stabbed his friend during a game of football and had to ask the Pope John the 22nd, God's referee here on earth, to let him off. It's a bit unusual getting the Pope to referee, although it might still prove more popular than VAR.

And play is stopped as we consult a VAR. That's Vatican approved review. And here comes His holiness with the result. In nominate spiritual sanctity offside. So everyone must have loved football, right? Wrong. In the 14th century, King Edward III and King Richard II tried to ban footy, telling people they should be learning archery instead.

Much handier for wars, you see. It was sort of the medieval version of your dad telling you to stop playing football in the garden and do something useful, like Wash his car. In the 1400s, football was banned by James I first, King of Scots. Stop playing football! And James the second? I said, stop playing football. James III.

Please, please stop playing football! And James the 4th. Please stop playing football, what's the point? But football remained popular. Shakespeare's plays referenced the game and even Henry VIII had a pair of. leather boots in his great wardrobe. You wouldn't want to be marking him.

Now coming on, number eight, King Henry the 8th, King of England and defender of the faith. Yeah, I'd let him score, mate. Luckily, despite all these kings shouting, Stop having fun and come die in a field for me. The games kept coming, like an overstuffed fixture list at Christmas. The Shrove Tide game in Ashbourne Darbyshire still happens today and it has goalposts which are three miles apart.

Imagine the tactics. So, what do you reckon, boss? Short passing, slow build up from the bag? The goal is three miles away. We go long, strong midfield past the bus stop, see if we can catch the 16A to get past their defence. But everything changed in the 19th century. with the coming of the Industrial Revolution.

Oh, that's enough fun, get to work, you lot. As working class people moved to cities to work in factories, there were fewer big, rowdy festival day games. Instead, posh students in elite public schools began playing football. Aha, now it's our turn to play. What how? Football was now seen as the perfect sport for the middle and upper class. to show how strong and masculine they were. So, if you posh guys are all dead strong now,

you could play against us commoners without worrying about gang here, right? Ah, well, um, uh, well, um, um, we'd simply love to. Yeah, but, um, uh, we've, we've scheduled all our games for when you have work. What a shame, what how, ho-oh, chuff, chuff. When posh people got into football, they also brought a bunch of rules with them. Gone was the free-for-all chaos of medieval matches, replaced by the chaos of lots of different rules from lots of different public schools.

I've got a day off. Now, can we play football? No, yeah, yeah, yeah, but which football, though? Eaton rules, you know, rugby rules, Sheffield rules, the kind where we play with big balls, small balls, open pitch, closed pitch, no pitch, pitch next to a wall, big goals, small goals, no goals, touchdown goals. Oh, never mind.

So how do we end up with everyone playing by the same? rules. Well, in 1863, the Football Association, the FA, was founded in England and an advert was put in a London newspaper inviting representatives from clubs and posh schools to meet and to discuss the adoption of a general code for the rules of football. Two of the main issues were around tackling and carrying the ball and people had a lot of opinions. So, when a player has possession of the ball? Oh, but, but how does he have possession? Can he hold the ball with his hands by his feet? Can he catch it, rush with it? Can other players tackle him? Haki Shin's gows out his eyes, tickle him. Oh, never mind. Some schools even left in protest, and eventually a new sport

splintered off, called rugby. Never heard of it. The FAA's founding secretary got so frustrated with everyone arguing about these rules that in 1867, he very nearly got rid of the entire FA. If you lot can't play nicely together, then you're not playing at all. I will turn this football association round and nobody will get a voo-vozella. But at least as compensation, he got to have the best name ever, Ebenezer Cobb Morley. by three ghosts who'll show you the true meaning of football turns out it's having lots of rules

Oh spirit I shall keep properly codified football In my heart all year round You boy, what day is it today? Today, Governor, why it's pancake day The best day to play rulers' 300 aside football No! This is the one One thing I didn't want to happen.

Going into the 20th century, nothing could stop football. Apart from World War I. Oh, and World War II. That aside, the game flourished and evolved into the sport we know today. Everyone has been encouraged to play and watch and love football. As long as you're a man. Although women and girls had probably been playing footy for ages, One of the first recorded women's matches was in Inverness, in Scotland, in 1888, with teams divided up by marital status.

Welcome to the Inverness Derby with the married women versus all the single ladies, all the single ladies. If they want to switch teams, they're going to have to put a ring on it. The British Ladies Football Club played their first game in 1895, captain by its founder, Nettie Honeyball. What a brilliant name for a footballer. That's like having a banker called Volta Moneybags or a sprinter called Usain Bolt. Oh, wait. Netty said,

I founded the association with a fixed resolve of proving to the world that women are not the ornamental and eustace creatures men have pictured. Mark of evictions are all on the side of emancipation. And I look forward to the time when ladies may sit in Parliament. The women's game was incredibly.

popular. And when the lads went off to war in 1914, many women swapped domestic housework for factory jobs. Not only were women doing different jobs, they were also being paid more. And they had more time off. And what did they do with their time off? Gold! Futty! They often formed factory teams and one of the biggest teams was Dick Kerr ladies. It was named after the tram manufacturing company where the women worked. They weren't all owned by some dodgy geyser named Dick Kerr. If you're looking for lady footballers, come on down to Dick Kerr's ladies. I'm Dick Kerr and I've got ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, lady goalkeepers, lady fullbacks. That's Dick Kerr's ladies. Round the back of the factory yard, Preston.

The star of the team was Lily Parr, a footballing superstar even though she didn't exactly live the healthiest lifestyle, being a big smoker. Imagine how good a player should have been if she'd had healthier habits. Lily, you've gone grey. Why don't you switch out cigarettes for orange slices? I feel invincible. Lily was only 14 when she started playing for Dick Kerr ladies as their star striker. Her teammate, Joan Wally, said,

She had a kick like a meal. She could nearly knock me out with a force shot. It was even a story that she once kicked a ball so hard it could have broken a male Goldie's arm. She kicks like a mule and breaks arms like a swan. Ow! In 1920, around 53,000 spectators came to see Lily and her team play. And not only did the team tour Britain,

they even went to America and sometimes even played against men. Lily retired in her 40s and lived to an old age with a woman named Mary, a happy ending for Lily. But a less happy time for women's football in general. Oh! Yep, in 1921, when there were 150 women's teams in the UK, the FA banned women from playing football on any FA-affiliated grounds. But some women kept playing in open defiance of the ban,

which was not lifted until 1970. Yeah, I know. Just imagine all the brilliant women's footballers the world missed out on because the FAA was scared of a little competition. Thankfully, the women's game is back big time. I hope Lily Parr would have been proud of the likes of Mary Earps and not tried to break her arm. But I love breaking goalie's arms. Stop that, Lily.

Oh, and that's full time. So how much do you remember from today's speedy history lesson? Let's find out. Pensils are the ready. Question 1. Medieval folk football sometimes involved the whole town, and it was usually played on which festival days. Christmas and pancake day. Question 2. Which game that allows carrying the ball split from football in the late 1800s?

Rugby. And question 3. Who was the Dick Kerr Ladies' Star Strikes? in the 1920s. Lily Parr. Well done. Join us next time for another snappy history lesson. And if you're a grown-up

and want to learn more about the history of football, listen to our episode of You're Dead to Me with Professor Gene Williams. Thanks for listening. Bye! This was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4. Dead Funny History was written by Jack Bernhardt, Gabby Hutchson Crouch and Dr Emma Naguice,

the script consultant with Professor Jean Williams. It was hosted by me, Greg Jenner, and performed by Malley Anne Rees and John Luke Roberts. Have you ever thought about turning your side hustle into a proper business, but don't know where to start? Well, that's what we're doing on The Businessmen. I'm Ben Shepard, and with my mate, business partner and co-host, Joel Domit, we're launching a brand new venture. We're going into skincare. You can follow the highs and lows on our brand new podcast, The Businessmen, available on YouTube, and wherever. you get your podcasts.