You're Dead to Me - Witch Craze

Episode Date: December 29, 2025

Join historian Greg Jenner for a fast-paced, funny and fascinating journey through the Witch Craze, a terrifying period in European history when thousands were accused of witchcraft, and many paid the ultimate price.This episode of Dead Funny History is packed with jokes, sketches and sound effects that bring the past to life for families and Key Stage 2 learners. From the infamous Malleus Maleficarum to King James I’s witch-hunting book Daemonologie, Greg explores how fear, superstition and social upheaval led to over 45,000 executions across Europe.Discover how people were accused of witchcraft for talking to animals, having freckles, or simply being old and female. Learn about bizarre “tests” like swimming with thumbs tied to toes, and how pets named Satan could land you in trouble. There’s even a spoof gameshow, a parody beauty vlog, and a goat who’s tired of being scapegoated.The episode also highlights real historical figures like Agnes Waterhouse, England’s first woman executed for witchcraft, and Matthew Hopkins, the self-appointed Witchfinder General who tortured victims during the English Civil War. It’s a dark chapter of history, but told with humour, empathy and a clear message: justice should never be based on fear or prejudice.Expect musical parodies, sketch comedy, and a quiz to test what you’ve learned. It’s history with heart, humour and high production value. Perfect for curious kids, families, and fans of You’re Dead To Me.Written by Gabby Hutchinson Crouch, Athena Kugblenu and Dr Emma Nagouse Host: Greg Jenner Performers: Mali Ann Rees and John-Luke Roberts Producer: Dr Emma Nagouse Associate Producer: Gabby Hutchinson Crouch Audio Producer: Emma Weatherill Script Consultant: Professor Suzannah Lipscomb Production Coordinator: Liz Tuohy Production Manager: Jo Kyle Sound Designer: Peregrine AndrewsA BBC Studios Production

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. I'm David Soucher, and from the Noiser podcast network comes Charles Dickens' ghost stories. This Christmas, I'll be reading a selection of the author's most chilling short works, brought to life with sound design and original music. But first, Dickens' most beloved ghost story of all, a Christmas carol. Charles Dickens' Ghost Stories, available wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, and welcome to Dead Funny History. I'm Greg Jenner, I'm a historian, and I want to tell you about something a bit horrible, actually.

Do you have a favourite witch? Mildred Hubble? Elphaba from Wicked? Everyone deserves the chance to fly. Yeah, we love witches, much more than wizards. I bet you can't even name me more than 37 wizards. Go on. See, it's really hard. The idea of witches has been around for ages,

but I want to talk about a time when people believe they were especially dangerous. Between the years 1450 and 1750, about 90,000 people were accused of witchcraft. And one of the most famous witch trials was at Salem in America. But all over Europe, as well, suspected witches could be put in shackles, put on trial, tortured, and worse. Around 45,000 people were executed for witchcraft in those 300 years. But why? It's not as if people were suddenly flying around on broomsticks. I'll defy gravity.

Because flying brooms aren't real. Ow! My bum! But people really thought they were real. So why did people get especially worried about witches? Well, this was a period of huge social and religious change. There were huge wars, a mini-climate crisis, and bad harvests. And during hard times, people often look for a scapegoat. An escaped goat!

No, a scapegoat, an innocent person who's easy to blame for stuff. And if you believed in witches, Instead of saying something like, The socio-political situations left me economically vulnerable to the weather ruining my crops and I'm powerless against it. Bother. Instead, people could just say,

That weird old woman curse my turnips. Get her! In 1486, a book was published by the German monk Heinrich Kramer called the Malius Maleficarum. That means the hammer of witches. It was basically a witch-hunting guide for dummies. A century later, even the poshest man in Britain was obsessed with witches. King James I of England, who was also King James the 6th of Scotland,

even wrote his own book about them called Demonology, another bestseller. But then again, he was a celebrity author. At least he wrote it himself, probably. So, King James, usually when a slab pitches us a book idea, we get a ghost writer to do it? You get a ghost to write it. witchcraft burned this publishing house to the ground. So then, how, according to these official witch-finding guides, did you actually find a witch?

Well, mostly, it boiled down to this. You have reached 1-800 snitch on a witch. Dial 1. If you got sick and there's an old woman you hate. Dial 2. If your cow died and there's an old woman you hate. Or Dow 3. If there's an old woman who talks to herself, ought to animals and you hate her. For any other old woman you hate based incidents, press the Starkey.

One of the first women in England to be executed for witchcraft was Agnes Waterhouse in 1566. Her daughter, Joan Waterhouse, was also accused, but her testimony saved her by condemning both Agnes and Agnes's sister, Elizabeth. Getting both your mum and auntie executed must have made Christmas dinner pretty awkward. Joan, see if your mum and auntie want more gravy. Oh wait, you can't. You got them killed.

One reason the English authorities killed Agnes was because she said that she had a cat called Satan, who would apparently do anything for milk or a drop of blood. But pets will do anything for a treat. I know a cat that jumps up and down for salami. And if she called her cat Satan, so what? If your pets name summoned that person to be on your side in a fight, I'd get a cat named Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Hey, little Dwayne, here's a bit of salami for you.

From the start, there was a stereotype that witches were older, often unmarried, or widows, and heaven helped someone if they talked to animals, like I just did. So-called witch hunters could claim any nearby animal was a witch's familiar. And they weren't just black cat. I'm going to ask you one last time. Did Janet say good morning to you at 0,900 hours? Ribbit.

Witnesses refusing to cooperate. Get him, lads. Ribot. Ribot. Ribit. Ribit, ribbit, ribbit. Oh, ribit. Ribit. People thought witches got their powers through a diabolic pact with demons. Or even with the devilic.

level himself, the boss level demon. Oh! Although it was generally accepted that witches could be any age or gender, it was believed that women were more susceptible to evil influences. Of course, today we know that this is nonsense. Although it might explain why I know so many women who love true crime podcasts. His tongue was never found. Cool!

In the British Isles, between 75 and 80s, 85% of people accused of witchcraft were women and girls, especially women over 45. Thank goodness that group doesn't get carted off anymore whenever there's bad weather. Otherwise, Oliver Bonas would go straight out of business. However, over in Iceland, 92% of accused witches were men. At least Icelanders were ahead of their time when it came to gender inequality. What do we want to be born at the stike? When do we want it?

No! Ow! Hashtag, you're welcome! Because witchcraft was often made a criminal offence, witch trials became official legal proceedings, requiring, you know, like actual evidence. Generally, generally, European courts needed a. at least two witnesses to prove a crime had been committed. Sounds fair, right? Yeah, you can't be found guilty of witchcraft unless two people witness you're doing magic. Except, people often said...

But you see, the only reason nobody witnessed it is the devil covers up these witches' crimes using more witchcraft. Double witchcraft! So instead, the authorities would get accused witches is to, ahem, confess to these accusations by torturing them. Accused witches were stretched on the rack or had their limbs crushed or were burnt on iron chairs. It was horrible. But King James' book, Demonology, suggested a different approach to proving someone was a witch. Welcome back to Witch or Woman, the game show where we find out if a woman is a witch

by making them swim. Oh, that sounds nice. By throwing them into a river with their thumbs tied to their chores. Wait, what? Yep, if a person floated, they said the water was rejecting them, so they were a witch,

and if the lady sank, they were innocent. The bad news is, she drowned. The good news is she was innocent. Wahee! Another normal woman. Wow, we are on a one. 100% winning streak here.

Wow! What was my mom? Prosecutors would also claim that marks on the body could be from the devil's touch, even a mold or skin tag or freckle. Impossible beauty standards of women are bad enough these days. Back then, it was murder. Hey, today on beauty blog, I'm going to show you how to hide all those unsightly blemishes before an angry mob of your neighbours

ties you up and kills you. So, you take this handy stack and you poke another woman with it chatting, I got the witch right here. And then, hopefully they kill her for having a mole instead. So far, so awful. Hey, what about me? Oh, yeah.

In the 1640s, there was another awful rotter called Matthew Hopkins. I'm the witch finder general. Says who? Says me. So you just made it up. Oh, so you know my mind, do you? Like some sort of witch.

Oh, no, no, no. You carry on, Mr. Witchfinder, General, sir. Matthew Hopkins would get accused witches to confess by... Wake up. Come on. Wakey, wakey. Not letting them sleep. His first victim that we know all, was an 80-year-old lady called Elizabeth, who he kept awake for days before he claimed that he saw her summon her animal familiars.

But poor Elizabeth was probably just talking to herself, because no sleep had made her brain go funny. Matthew Hopkins tortured and killed loads of people, riding from town to town, making use of the chaos of the English Civil Wars to make money from scapegoating the vulnerable. I said scapegoating. People executed for witch crime. weren't always burned.

In England and Wales, they were mostly hanged because doing harm by witchcraft was treated as a legal crime, like murder. In Scotland, however, it was seen as a religious crime, so accused witches were burned as heretics. You're under arrest for the religious crime of witchcraft. Prepare to burn. Oh, but my feet are over the English border.

Fine. You're under arrest for the legal crime of witchcraft. Prepare to hang. You know what? That's probably not as bad. In Scotland, they weren't always burned alive. We're not monsters in Scotland. We'd strangle you first. Thanks. However, it wasn't the same everywhere. Despite the German states having very high rates of executions, one German town called Rothenberg Obde Tauber had really low numbers. Why? Well, because not only did they investigate accused witches, they also tortured the accusers to make sure they weren't lying just to ruin their enemy's reputations. And weirdly, it seems that fewer people said, That old woman, cast my bratwurst. When there was a chance that they would be treated as badly

as the person that they had accused. Oh, mate, it was in me, laid a hosen the whole time. Also, communities could sometimes fight back, especially if they really liked someone, accused of witchcraft. A historical document from Dorset in England from 1606 shows a neighbourhood signed a petition saying that a woman named Joan Guppy was not a witch. You can't kill June? Who else is going to bring jam tarts to next week's feet? I really hope it worked. Usually neighbourhood petitions can't even get potholes filled in. However, ridiculous accusations were still easy to make. In lieu in 1671, an unnamed writer claimed a woman he had arrested had used witchcraft to

Make the English Navy lose a battle Stop the Queen having babies And make an MP get killed by a bull And his proof She was seen near some bouncing cats And yeah, the poor lady was arrested Maybe the cats were just bouncing around her Because they wanted salami

Down, Dwayne the Rock Johnson Much like Gangnam style Thankfully all bad things must come to an end One of the last known people executed for witchcraft was Anna Goldie in Switzerland in 1782. That is just 126 years before they invented the Toblerone. It really makes you think. Despite having once been supported by the law, the church, and a literal king with a book deal, the witch craze thankfully petered out, as most crazes do.

And that really gives me hope that one day will all stop wearing crocs. So how much do you remember from today's speedy history lesson? Let's find out. Pencils at the ready. Here comes question one. What was the name of Heinrich Krammer's best-selling handbook on how to hunt witches? Malius, Malifakarum, which meant the hammer of witches. Question two. Roughly 90,000 people were accused of witchcraft during the European witch craze. But how many were executed? 45,000. And question three, who was the last person in Europe to be executed for witchcraft in 1782 in Switzerland? Anna Goldie

Well done, join us next time for another snappy history lesson. And if you're a grown-up, I want to learn more about the witch craze, listen to our episode of You're Dead to Me, Professor Susanna Lipscomb. Thank you for listening. Bye! This was a BBC studio's audio production for Radio 4. Dead Funny History was written by Gabby, Hutchison Crouch, Athena Kublenu, and Dr. Emma Noghous. It was hosted by me, Greg Jenner, and performed by Malian Reese and John Luke Roberts. The script consultant was Professor Susanna Lipskin. I'm David Soucher, and from the Noiser Podcast Network comes Charles Dickens' ghost stories.

This Christmas, I'll be reading a selection of the author's most chilling short works, brought to life with sound design and original music. But first, Dickens' most beloved ghost story of all, a Christmas carol. Charles Dickens' ghost stories, available wherever you get your podcasts.